Content resource:“35 Dumb Things Well-Intended

People Say”

Developing Skills to Engage Diverse Populations

10 Core Concepts

If your ultimate goal is to build better connections with people of varying

viewpoints, then using these 10 concepts will provide effective

strategies to be successful.

If your goal is to be “right” or to “win” the debate, then your results will be very different.

Intent vs. Impact

Even well-intended people can cause harm.

Apologize . . . Accept responsibility

#1

“I know exactly how you feel!”

Intent: to find some common ground and to demonstrate your empathy and compassion to the other person.Impact: will shut the person down because you cannot know exactly how anyone else feels.

“I know exactly how you feel!”

Best Bet: Instead of saying “I know exactly how you feel,” you might have more success if you ask them questions to further clarify their experience, or to simply acknowledge the feelings they are expressing.

Pile on Principle P.O.P.

You’re only seeing a snapshot.

Demonstrate empathy.

#2

“It was only a joke! Don’t take things so seriously.”

Intent: attempting to lighten up a tense situation by using humor following an inappropriate remark or joke.

Impact: first you make an inappropriate remark, then you insult them again for not laughing at your ignorance.

“It’s only a joke Don’t take things so seriously!”

Best Bet: When it is clear that the other person has been offended, don’t go on the defensive. Perhaps saying you are sorry is a good start.

Explain Aways

You don’t always need to comment.

Listen without trying to fix.

#3

“It is so much better than it used to be. Just be

patient.”Intent: to decrease the level of stress and to relax the person who is upset.

Impact: condescending and belittling. Paint a picture of the person who is addressing the injustice as a whiner who is never satisfied with all the changes.

“It is so much better than it used to be. Just be

patient.”Best Bet: Acknowledge the person’s comment’s, but don’t try to fix it. Offering sincere statements such as “Some days it must feel like very little progress has been made” will most likely be well received.

In group/out-group language

If you are in the group you can say what you want

If you are outside the group, don’t go there!

#4

Asking people of another culture about their hair or

hygiene.Intent: said out of simple curiosity or to demonstrate interest.

Impact: an invasion of privacy and objectifies and dehumanizes them. If attempting to touch without permission, it can imply disrespect for a person’s personal boundaries.

Asking people from another culture about their

hair or hygiene.Best Bet: The fewer times people are asked the less likely P.O.P. occurs. Use your allies to obtain the information, or google it!

Advantaged and Disadvantaged

Group identities – dynamics of difference and inequality

Whatever group you have been identified with will determine some of your status in power and privilege.

#5

When white men say, We are the ones who are being

discriminated against now!”Intent: frustration by the lack of

acknowledgement that discrimination has an impact on all people.Impact: this statement will quickly stir the pot for most people with disadvantaged identities. It appears that the spoiled child is whining.

When white men say, We are the ones who are being

discriminated against now!”Best Bet:

This experience should be used to gain insight as to how it feels to be marginalized. This demonstration of empathy and understanding will forge relationships that are built on trust and mutual respect.

Privilege

Access to resources based on status as a member of the

advantaged group.

Privilege is usually given, not earned.

#6

“Why do ‘they’ always have to sit together? They

are always sticking together.”Intent: feels like they are part of

some exclusive group or club that others have not been invited to.

Impact: Define who “they” are. People who are in the majority are rarely accused of clumping. This comment is usually given in an accusatory tone.

“Why do ‘they’ always have to sit together? They

are always sticking together.”Best Bet:

All people “clump” – it is part of the human condition. The problem is when we begin to pass judgment as to who is allowed to clump together.

Being Consistent is not always fair

This concept can strike quite a bit of adversity when discussing

issues of diversity and difference.

In order to be fair, does one need to be consistent?

#7

“I Don’t See Difference. We’re All Part of the Same Race, the Human Race.“

Intent: reinforces the idea that I treat all people the same and do not discriminate.

Impact: dismisses and denies the reality of race, privilege and discrimination. It is easy to avoid these conversations.

“I Don’t See Difference. We’re All Part of the Same Race, the Human Race.”

Best Bet: To acknowledge that even though we are all part of the same race, the Human Race, that we do not treat everyone with respect.

Allies

A member of the advantaged group who takes action against injustice with the belief that all

will benefit.

Taking immediate action disrupts the cycle of ignorance and bigotry.

#8

“(not commenting)”

Intent: To not condone what the person is saying.

Impact: The disadvantaged group thinks that you do not care.

“(not commenting)”

Best Bet: Take immediate action to break the cycle of ignorance and bigotry.

Raising the B.A.R.

Breath-Acknowledge-Respondvs.

Breath-Attack-React

Acknowledge does not mean we have to agree.

#9

“Racism happened long ago so it is time to let it

go.”Intent: said out of frustration because many whites feel they are unjustly accused of being the sole reason racism exists.

Impact: alienates and angers people of color – seen as a way whites avoid acknowledging that racism exists today.

“Racism happened long ago so it is time to let it

go.”

Best Bet: Use a conversational tone to open a dialogue, e.g. Here’s what I’m frustrated about, what are you frustrated about?” (Breath-Acknowledge-Respond)

Bystander Behavior

“The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to

do nothing.” Sir Edmond Burke

Betrayal is the byproduct of bystander behavior.

#10

Intent: to not get involved, due to e.g. fear of knowing what to do, not being liked.

Impact: betrayal of trust, a feeling of being left out there by yourself.

“It’s Not My Problem”

“It’s Not My Problem”

Best Bet: Find the courage and the time to take action despite some of the consequences.

Six Small Steps forWell-Intended

PeopleStart With the End in Mind

Shift Your Thinking from “me” to “we”

Name It – Claim It – Act On It

We Are All Different – We Are All the

Same

We Are All “Multi-Clumpable”

Have and Maintain a Sense of Humor

Back PageIdentify how you will incorporate these tips into your everyday working relationships to

make them more effective.

“35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say”:Surprising Things We Say That Widen the Diversity Gap

By

Dr. Maura CullenISBN 978-1-60037-491-3