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STEPBROTHERBASTARDAHawthorneBrothersNovelBookOne

***byColleenMasters

CONTENTS

PrologueChapterOneChapterTwoChapterThreeChapterFourChapterFiveChapterSixChapterSeven

ChapterEightChapterNineChapterTenChapterElevenChapterTwelveSneakPeak–BookTwo

PrologueJustOutsideofSpokane,WA

Thecoollightofmorninghasbarelybeguntofilterthrough

theflimsymotelcurtains,butmyloomingheadachestillthrobsatthisslightesthintofday.Icansensetheimpendinghangovercirclingoverheadlikeasinisterbirdofprey,readytodivedownandruintherestofmyday.It’snotasensationI’maccustomedto:Ihaven’thadthismuchtodrinksincegraduatingcollegeafewyearsago.Andnow,I’m

startingtorememberwhy.

Ipryopenmyeyesbyahair’sbreadthandgroggilyappraisemysurroundings.Thegrubbymotelroomlooksevenbleakerinthecoldlightofday.Butyougetwhatyoupayfor,Iguess—andthiswasthecheapestplaceIcouldfindenroutetomydestination.Besides,Ididn’tneedanythingfancylastnight.Justaplacetocrash

beforethesecondlegofmylongdrivefromdowntownSeattletomiddle-of-nowhereMontana.

Theformerhasbeenmyhomesincefinishingundergrad,thelatterwasmymother’s,whenshewasagirl.Mymom,Robin,hasreturnedtoherhometownofoldforthesummer,andsummonedmeandmytwoyoungersisterstojoinher.

Shesaysshewantstogetsomepaintingdone,fillherlungswithfreshair…butIcan’thelpbutwonderwhatelsehasmotivatedthisreturntoherroots.Thenagain,I’veneverbeenabletosussouttherationalebehindmymother’sflightsoffancy.Whyshouldthistimebeanydifferent?

Throwingoffthescratchy,questionablycleancomforter,

Iswingmylegsoverthesideofthebed,grittingmyteethasthecontentsofmyheadthrobpainfullyagainstmyskull.Brushingmydarkblonde,shoulder-skimming,andverydisheveledhairoutofmyface,Iscantheroomforacoffeemachine—caffeineisalwaysmyfirstorderofanygivenday.Myblearyeyesroveovermyunopenedsuitcase,the

singularlybadhotelartonthewalls,andthetrailofdiscardedclothingleadingfromthefrontdoortothenarrowbedI’mpercheduponnow…

Allatonce,thepoundinginmyheadevaporatesasmyhearttakesupthefrenziedbeat.Thelasttwelvehoursswimupinmyboozymemory,wallopingmewithaseriesofrealizations.Firstof

all,foralltheclothingscatteredaroundtheroom,notastitchofithappenstobeonmybody.Secondly,itisn’tjustmyclothingthat’sstrewneverywhichway—halfoftheitemsveryclearlybelongtoaman.AndasIwhiparoundtopeerovermyshoulderinthedimhalf-light,I’mremindedofwhichman,inparticular.

“Goodlord…”Iwhisper,springinggingerlyoutofthe

motelbed.Iclutchasheettomynakedbody,staringatthemanI’vebeenbunkingwithallnight.Hisfaceisturnedawayfromme,butthere’sstillplentyofhimtoseeallthesame.

SurprisegiveswaytoamazementasItakeinhisbroadshoulders,muscledarms,andheavilyinkedback.Faintredlinesstandoutamongthenumerousblack

tattoos—thosearenailmarks.Mynailmarks.Iswallowagaspasherollsovertofaceme.Hedrapesoneofthosethicklycordedarmsacrossmysideofthebed,asifreachingoutforme.Atighttwangofsensationpulsesbetweenmylegs,andIbecomeawareofthetelltale,satisfiedsorenessthere.WhileIrestmyeyesonmybedmate’ssculpted,

slumberingface,theeventsoflastnightcomebacktomeinarush.AsIrecallthecauseofthatdelicioussorenessI’mfeeling,mykneesbegintoquiversohardthatIcanbarelystand.

Pullingthesheettightlyaroundme,Idashintothemotelbathroomandsinkdownheavilyontheedgeofthetub.Iclaspmyhandtightlyovermymouth,trying

tokeepmyjawfromsmackingagainstthetileasitdropstothefloor.Butevenso,alaughofdisbeliefescapesfrommythroat.Iknowthiswassupposedtobealayoverandall,butIdidn’texpectquitesomuchemphasisonthelaidpart.

Well,Maddie…Ithinktomyself,lettingoutadeepsigh,you’vegotanasty

hangover,aday-longdrive,andasexystrangersleepinginyourbed.Whathappensnow?

“HellifIknow,”Imutteroutloud,mybaffledvoiceechoingoffthegrimytilesofthemotelbathroom.I’veneverbeenverygoodatembracingtheunexpected.Andwakingupstill-drunknexttoatatted-upbadboyonthewaytoaquietfamily

vacationisaboutthelastthingI’deverexpectfrommyself.

WhatcanIsay?I’veneverbeenverygoodathalf-measures,either.

ChapterOneThepreviousnight

Seattle,WA

MybestfriendAlisonMcCaincocksherheadatme,watchingfromthecouch

asIoverstuffmysuitcaseforthecomingtwoweeks.I’vebeenmultitasking—packingformyvacationwhilefillingherinonthedetailsofmylatestbreakup.Allie,ontheotherhand,isentirelysingle-minded,here.

“Sowait,”shesays,gesticulatingwithherwineglass,“Didyoubreakupwithhim,ordidhebreakupwithyou?”

“Itwasmutual,Allie,”Imutter,strainingtozipuptheseriouslyoverpackedbag.Thisisalaughablytypicalpredicamentforme—I’mconstantlyover-planning,over-thinking,over-preparing.I’venevermanagedtotakeeventheshortestoftripswithoutdragginghalfmyearthlypossessionsalong.Ontheonehand,thiscompulsive

trouble-shootingmakesmeexcellentatmyjobineventmarketing,wheresomethingisalwaysonthevergeofgoingseriouslywrong.Ontheotherhand,it’sobnoxiousashell,eventome.

“Maddie,Maddie…”myredheadedbestfriendsighs,takingahealthyswigofherPinotGrigio,“It’snevermutual.Ever.Youwerewiththisguyforsixmonths.It

couldn’thavejustevaporatedlike—”

“Fine,”Isigh,leaningbackonmyheels.Allieisrelentlessinherdirt-digging.Imayaswelljusthandovertheburiedtreasureofmylatestfailedrelationshipandletherhaveat.“Iwastheonewhowantedout,butIletPaulthinkitwasamutualdecision.”

“ThatsoundsliketheMadeleinePorterIknow,”Allienods,sendingherhaloofshortredcurlsbouncing,“I’mgladyoufinallypulledtheplug.Youguyshavebeenonthefritzfor…well…mostofthetimeyou’vebeentogether,actually.”

“Inmorewaysthanyouknow,”Ireply,pullingmyselfuptofetchaglassofwine.Ifwe’regoingtoget

intothenittygrittyofmylovelife,I’mgoingtoneedadrink.

“Dotell…?”Allieprods,swivelingaroundasIwalkintothekitchen…orrather,thecornerofmyone-roomstudioapartmentthat’sposingasthekitchen.Iwasluckyenoughtogetajobaftergraduating;plentyofmyclassmatesdidn’tweatherthepost-recessionmarkethalfas

well.Butat24,I’mstillnotrakinginenoughdoughtorentmorethanacouplehundredsquarefeet.Itellmyselfit’sromantic.Bohemian,even.Butreally…it’sjustmyonlyoption.

“Let’sjustsaythatthingsinthebedroomwere…lessthanelectric,thereattheend,”ItellAllie,pouringmyselfadeepglassofwhitewine.

“Really?”sheasks,genuinelysurprised.“ButPaulisgorgeous.WhatIwouldn’tdoforcheekboneslikehis.”

“One,yourcheekbonesareexcellent,”Iinformher,floppingdownonthecouchbesideher,“Andtwo,hewasgorgeous,andhe’dbethefirstonetotellyou.”

“Ugh,”Alliesays,wrinklinghernose.“Oneofthose.”

“Oneofthose,indeed,”Ireply,takingasipofwine,“It’slike,heexpectedmetogetoffonhiswell-manicuredchesthairalone.Ihonestlythinkhecould.Andhecertainlywasn’tveryforthcomingwithanyothermethodsofgettingthejobdone…”

“Wait-wait-wait,”Alliesays,eyeswideningintosaucers,“Areyoutellingmehedidn’t

takecareofyou?Heseriouslydidn’tevenmakeyoucome?!”

“Healmostdid.Once…”Isigh,avertingmyeyes.

“Butyouwerewithhimforasixmonths,”Allieexclaims,“Howinthenameofallthatisgoodhaveyousurvivedwithout—?”

“I’vebeentakingcareofmyselfinthatdepartment,

don’tyouworry,”Iassureher,“Imean,someonehasto.”

“Damnright,”shesaysfirmly,distressfadingfromhereyes.“Well,I’mproudofyouforendingthingswithhim,then.Youdeservemorethansomerich,handsome,lawyeranyway.”

“Isn’tthatthetrifectaofexcellence,wheremenare

concerned?”Iasksarcastically,takinganotherlongsip.

“Forsomewomen,maybe,”Allieshrugs,“Butnotforyou,MissPorter.Notforyou.”

“Ugh.Iknow,”Imoan,lettingmyheadfallbackagainstthecouch,“Whatisthematterwithme?ItellmyselfthatIshouldfinda

stablerelationship,witharespectable,matureguy…”

“Butthenyougetboredstiffbyeachandeveryoneofthem,”Alliecompletesmythought,hervibrantgreeneyessparkingwithinsight.“Diditeveroccurtoyouthatyoumaybegoingafterthewrongsortofguy?”

Icockaneyebrowatmybestfriend.AlisonandIwere

roommatesincollege,longbeforewewerebothrecruitedbythesamecreativeagency.AndwhileIwasholdingdowntwouneventfullong-termrelationshipsoverthosefouryears,herdormbedwasaveritablerevolvingdoorformenofallstripes.Andafewwomen,too.

“I’mjustnotasadventurousasyouare,inthatdepartment,”Itellher,“Not

thatIdon’tadmireyourinclusiveattitude,but—”

“Noone’ssayingyoushouldgosowyourwildoatsallalongtheWestCoast,”shelaughs,“ButChrist,Maddie.You’reinyourtwenties!Ifeverthere’satimetobeadventurous,it'snow.Youknowwhatyouare,myfriend?You’reaserialmonogamist.Andthatwouldn’tbeanissueifit

weren’talsodepressingtheshitoutofyou.”

Iavertmyeyes,abitstungbyherchoiceofwords.Thetruthis,Ihavebeendepressedthesepastfewyears,butnotbecauseofmylovelife.Itrynottodwelltoomuchonthedarkeraspectsofmylife,butremainingpositivetakesconstanteffort.MystrugglewithdepressionbeganjustasIwasstarting

mylastyearofcollege,whenmyfatherwaskilledinacaraccident.Collisionwithadrunkdriver,whoofcoursewalkedawayunscathed.Mydad,ArchiePorter,wasn’tjustafathertome—hewasmyidol.Myrolemodel.Losinghimwastheworstthingthat’severhappenedtome.I’llbecarryingtheweightofitmyentirelife.Nexttothatpain,abreakupis

nothingbutatoothache.Afteralltheseyears,Icanusuallymakeitthroughthedaywithoutgettingmireddowninthatpain.Butnowthatit’scometomind…

“I’msorry,Maddie…”Alliesays,hertonesofteningatonce.“Thatwassuperinsensitiveofme.Iknowhowmuchyou’vebeenthrough…But,isn’tthatallthemorereasontolookfor

whatmakesyouhappy,ratherthanplayingitsafe?”

“Sure.Intheory…”Iallow,shakingofftheshadowsinmymind.

“Maybeinpractice,too,”shesmiles,drainingherglass.“Iknowareallyeasywayyoucanstartlooking,too.”

“Ohyeah?”Ireply,“What’sthat?Potteryclass?Meditation?Tinder?”

“Notquite,”shebegins,grinningconspiratorially,“Thesenextcoupleofweeks,whileyou’reonvacation,Iwantyoutograntyourselfonerandomhookupwithahotstranger.”

Iimmediatelychokeonmywine,I’mlaughingsohard.“Haveyouforgottenwhoyou’retalkingto?”Isplutter,“Yourbestfriend,MaddieBetter-Safe-Than-Sorry

Porter.”

“Really?”Alliereplies,“IthoughtIwastalkingtoMaddieAlways-Up-For-A-ChallengePorter.What,doyouneedmetomakethisintoabetorsomething?Getthatcompetitivestreakofyoursallfiredup?”

“…No.Youcan’tswaymethateasily,”Isay,lyingbadly.

“Aha!”Alliecrows,leapingtoherfeetandpointingavictoriousfingeratme,“MadeleineAbigailPorter,Ibetthatyoucan’tbringyourselftohaveonerandomhookupbythetimeyoucomebackfromvacation.Areyougonnaprovemewrongorwhat?”

“Dammit,Allie!”Igroan,buryingmyfaceinmyhands.

“Igotyounow!”shecackles,goingtograbthebottleagain.“Nowyou’lldoitforsure.”

“We’llsee,”Ilaugh,lettingherpourmeasecondglass,“Whichwillwinout,myhateoflosing,ormyhateofspontaneity?”

“Thegameisafoot,”Alliegrins.

Iraisethereplenishedwineglasstomylips.Whatarethe

chancesthatIcouldactuallythrowcautiontothewindandhavesomefunwhilevisitingmyfamilyfortwoweeks?BreakingupwithPaulsucked,tobesure,butwewerehardlyinlove.Myheartdidn’ttaketoomuchofabeatingthistimearound.Probably,that’sbecauseIneverreallyopeneduptohim.InthewakeofDad’sdeath,Ihaven’treallybeen

abletofeelmuchofanything—leastofallpassion.Maybealittlereboundwoulddomesomegood.ButwhothehellamIgoingtomeetinthemiddleofthewoods?Idon’treallydigthegrizzledlumberjacktype,myself.Younevercantellwhat’shidinginthosebig,bushybeards…

“I’mgonnamissyouatworkwhileyou’reaway,”Alliegoeson,tuggingmytrainof

thoughtontoanothertrack.“It’lljustbeme,theDragonLady,andMr.Intriguingfinishingupthecampaignwhileyou’regone.”

Ichuckleathercheekydescriptionsofouragency’sco-founders,Carol(theso-calledDragonLady)andBrian(whoinsistsonusingtheword“intriguing”atleasttwentytimesaday,usuallytodescribethemostmundane

thingsimaginable).

“Ifitmakesyoufeelanybetter,I’mnotexpectingthetriptobealaughriot,”Ireply.“ThePorterwomendon’tdoparticularlywellinenclosedspaces.”

“Oof.Ihadn’tthoughtaboutthat…”Alliesays,“Whichoneareyouworriedaboutbuttingheadswiththistime?”

“Oh,justallofthem.As

usual,”Ireplywithawrylaugh.Whilethesharedgriefofourfather’spassingbroughtuscloserinsomeways,thelong-standingdifferencesbetweenme,mytwosisters,andourmotherhaveneverceasedtocausetrouble.

AslongasIcanremember,eachofusPorterwomenhasmarchedtoherowndistinctivebeat.Iwasalways

thebookwormofthefamily,hopingtofollowinmyfather’sfootstepsasanEnglishprofessor.Mymiddlesister,Sophia,alwaysskewedabitdarkerandmorerebellious.Ourbabysister,Annabel,isinsomewaysthemoststableoneofusall,thoughthatmakesherpragmaticandblunt,sometimestoafault.Butaboveall,it’sourmother,

Robin,who’salwayskeepingusonourtoes.

WhenmysistersandIwerelittle,wefanciedourmomtobesomekindoffairyqueen.WegrewupinanoldfarmhouseinVermont,justfarenoughawayfromDad’suniversitytowntofeellikeanotherworld;aworldspunmagicintomagicbyMom’spresence.She’salwaysbeenstunning,withvibrantblonde

hairandblueeyeswithspecksofgold—eyesmysistersandIallinheritedfromher.Butwhileshewasbeautifulandimaginative,italwaysfeltasthoughshewasfloatingjustoutofourreach.Andwheneveroneofustriedtopullherdownfromtheclouds,she’dsnapfromgoodfairytobadfairyinaninstant.She’dbecomeimpatientanddismissive,as

ifsheresentedusfortheresponsibilitywecamealongwith.

Mom’sawonderfulvisualartist,atruemaker,andhermindisalwaysonthenextinspiration,thenextpiece.Shelovedmeandmylittlesistersdearly,butshepreferredtonurtureherworksofart,ratherthanus.Itwasalwaysoursturdyfatherweturnedtoforstability.He

keptusallrootedtothegroundwhilemymotherdriftedup,upandaway;shoringupthemoonandstarsaswelookedonwithwonder.ButsinceDadhasbeengone,therestofushavescatteredtothewind.

Andthethingis,I’mstartingtothinkthatwe’reactuallybetteroffthatway.

“Atleastyouhaveanew

missiontodistractyoufromallthefamilydrama,”Alliepointsout,wigglinghereyebrowssuggestively.

“Yeah,”Ilaugh,“MaybeI’llbethankingyouforthislittledarebythetimeIgetback.”

“Weshallsee,”Alliesayssmugly,“Weshallsee.Hey,whenareyoushovingoff?”

“Assoonasthislittlewinebuzzwearsoff,”Itellher,“I

reallyshouldhaveleftrightafterwork,butIwantedalittlehangsessionwithmybestfriendfirst.”

“AndI’msurethathasnothingtodowithnotwantingtospendafewextrahourswithyourfamilytonight,right?”sheteases,nudgingmeplayfully.

“Why,Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout,”Isay,

wideningmyblueeyeswithmockinnocence.

“Sure.Right.Itotallybelieveyou,”Allielaughs.“Well,Ihopeyou’llatleasttrytohaveagoodtime.Maybethewholethingwillsurpriseyou.”

“Maybe…”Iallow,“Thoughwhenevermymotherisinvolved,anysurprisesthatcropupdon’ttendtobe

particularlygood.”

“Goodol’Robin,”Alliesays,shakingherhead,“Ican’twaittohearwhatshenanigansshe’sgotcookedupforyououtthere.”

“Thatmakesexactlyoneofus,”Ireply,polishingoffmywine.

Afterabearhugandareminderofmyhookup-relatedmarchingorders,Allie

hitstheroad.Nowthere’snothingstandingbetweenmeandtheimpendingfamilyreunionbesideseighthoursofdrivingsplitupbyonenightinthecheapestmotelIcouldfindalongtheway.How’sthatforaluxuriousgetaway?

Assoonasmybuzzhasfaded,Isteelmyresolve,grabmygiganticsuitcase,andbidadieutomyshoeboxofanapartment.MyiPodisloaded

upwithFlorenceandtheMachine,Muse,andBrunoMars.IfIhavetofacethemusic,itmayaswellbethekindIcanbeltoutonthehighway.

ChapterTwo

Theaged,blue-hairedmotelreceptionistlooksatmeskepticallyasIdobattlewithmygiganticsuitcase,tryingtogetthedamnthingthroughthefrontdoor.Smiling

throughmyembarrassment,Ifinallyrollthebehemothuptothecounterunderherheavy-liddedgaze.

“Hi.I’mjustcheckinginforthenight,”Itellher,“ThenameisPorter.Mad—”

“Andhowmanyofyouarethere?”shecutsmeoff,crossingherroundarms.

“…Pardon?”Ireply,takenaback.

“HowmanyofyourlittlefriendsarewaitingouttheretosneakinthesecondIturnmyback?”shegoesonhuffily,“Iwasn’tbornyesterday,youknow.Iknowhowyouyoungpeopletrytotakeadvantage,sneakingaroundwhenmybackisturned.Wechargebytheperson,notjustbytheroom—”

“Um.It’sjustmestayinghere

tonight,”Itellherevenly,choosingnottobeoffendedbyherassumptions.

“Uh-huh,”shedrawls,unconvinced.

“Ma’am,I’mreallyjuststoppingheretosleep,”Ipress.

“Andwhat’sasixteen-year-oldgirldoingonherown.Inaplacelikethis.Atmidnight.Withasuitcasefullofgod

knowswhat?”sheasks,narrowinghereyes.“Answermethat.”

Ahha.That’swhat’sgoingonhere.Bynow,Ishouldbeusedtoit.DespitethefactthatI’m24,my5’3”heightandpetitefiguretendtogivepeopletheimpressionthatI’mateenager.Mostofthetime,I’mmistakenfortheyoungestPortersister,ratherthantheoldest.Buthey,I’m

sureI’llgetakickoutofthatsomeday.Withoutanotherword,Itakeoutmydriver’slicenseandslideitagainstthestickycounter.

“Thisshouldputyourmindatease,”Isaybriskly,“Andasforthesuitcase,well,I’mafraidI’mjustsomethingofacompulsiveover-packer.”

Thewould-begatekeeperinspectsmyID,peering

throughthickbifocals.Atlast,sheseemstobesatisfiedthatI’mnotgoingtobethrowingakegpartyinmymotelroom.Orhidingakeginmyluggage,atthat.Butshe’snotquitedonewiththethirddegreeyet.

“Therewon’tbeanymenstoppingheretomeetyou,right?”sheasks,givingmeanot-too-subtleonceover.“Pleasetellmeyou’renot

thatkindofgirl.”

Icanfeelmybloodrisingtoalowboil.Ifthere’sonethingIhavenopatiencefor,it’sshamingwomenonthegroundsoftheirsexuality.MymothermaybespacierthanSputnik,butshetaughtmysistersandmetobefiercelyfeministinourthinking.Ibelievethateverywomanshouldhavethefreedomtomakeherown

choicesaboutherbody,whateverthosechoiceshappentobe.

“Tellyouwhat,”Isaytothewomanbehindthedesk,“Let’sjustsaythatI’mthekindofgirlwhowouldlikethekeytohermotelroomnow,please.Unlessyou’dratherIfindsomewhereelsetospendmymoneytonight.”

“Ugh.Fine,”shesays

hurriedly,thrustingasquareofscuffedplasticmyway,“Havealovelyevening,Miss.”

Igrabmykeyanddomybesttomakeadignifiedexit,onerousbaggagebedamned.Myroomisonthegroundfloorofthesplitlevelmotel,overlookingaleaf-clottedswimmingpoolandastretchofhighway.InonedirectionliesSpokane,Washington;in

theother,Montana.I’vestillgothalfaday’sdrivebeforeIreachmydestination,alakehousemymother’srentedforthesummerinheroldhometown.Atleast,shedescribeditasalakehousewhenwetalkedonthephone.ForallIknow,it’sactuallyayurt.Andcometothinkofit,shenevermentionedrentingspecifically…wecouldverywelljustbesquatting.You

nevercantellwithRobinPorter.

Nudgingthedooropenwithmyshoulder,Itrundleintomydarkenedroom.Idecidenottoinspectthespacetooclosely—ignoranceisbliss.Afteracursorysweepforcigarettebutts,condomwrappers,ordeadbodies,Iflopdownontothebedandgazeupatthewaterstainsthatblossomacrossthe

ceiling.

Thoughit’snearlymidnightafteralongdayofwork,suddenlyI’mfeelingwideawake.Thisisn’texactlyapenthousesuite,butit’sthefirstnightI’vespentawayfrommySeattlestudioapartmentinoverayear.I’vebeenworkingmybuttoffonthejob—tryingmybesttoimpressCarolandBrian.Theircreativeagency,

ReImaged,isaprettysmalloutfit,butwestillhaveourshareofhugeclients.Thoughweofferafullrangeofservices,wespecializeineventmarketing—planningpartiesandfunctionsthatdoubleasinteractiveadvertisingforthecompanyathand.AllieandIhavebecomethedynamicduooftheReImagedeventplanningdepartment.Ilovethevariety

andexcitementthatarebuiltintomywork,butit’seasytogetswallowedupbyafast-pacedjoblikemine.Thisvacationisaveryrareoccurrence,andevennowI’mfindingithardtostopthinkingaboutthetasksthatarewaitingformebackattheoffice.ThesecondIgetback,we’removingontoournextbigcampaignforthedenimcompanyAsphalt.I’m

alreadychompingatthebittogetstarted.

It’sgoingtobeastruggletostayinthemomentduringthislittlegetaway.MaybeIshouldlistentoAllieandmakethemostofit.ButwhatamIgoingtodoforfunhere,raidthevendingmachinesandwatchpornbymyself?Notreallymyideaofagoodtime.Don’tgetmewrong,Icanappreciateagooddirty

videoasmuchasthenextperson—butfallingasleeptoPayPerView,PointOfViewinacrappymotelwouldjustbetoodepressing.

AsIstareupattheceiling,asuddendashofcolorcatchesmyeye.Theglowingshadowfallsthroughthewindowabovemybed,blinkingsoftlyinthedarkness.Pullingmyselftokneeling,Itugopenthecreakyvenetianblindsto

investigate.Idon’thavetolookveryfartofindthesourceofthebrightlight.There,onthenextlotoverfromthemotel,isalowbrickbuildingfacingthehighway.TheplacewastotallyhiddenfromviewasIdroveup.Itwouldbeafairlynondescriptstructure,wereitnotfortheglaringneonsignblinkingaboveit,luringinwearytravelerslikemothstoa

flame.Thesign’sdirectiveissimple:“DrinkHere”itreads,withanarrowpointingstraighttothefrontdoor.

“Can’tverywellignorealiteralsign,”Imurmur,smilingatthekitschysignage.Maybeanightcapwouldhelpmechillout?

Theanxiety-riddenpartofmybrainreelsagainstthesuggestion,andIimmediately

questionthewisdomofbravingadivebaronthesideoftheroad…atmidnight,bymyself.Buttomysurprise,thelong-dormantcurioussideofmeinsistsonanadventurebeforeturningin.I’vehadalotoftroublegettingexcitedaboutanythingsinceDadpassedaway.Eventhisslightestsparkofinterestisoutoftheordinary.Ican’tjustletitfizzleout.

Squaringmyshoulders,Irisetomyfeetandsuitup.Andbysuitup,Imeanmakingsurethatmycanisterofpeppersprayistuckedhandilyinmybackpocket.(Hey,youneverknow.)Idon’twanttowrestlewithmysuitcaseagain,somycurrentuniformofboyfriendjeansandawhitetanktopwillhavetodo.Irunmyfingersthroughmylong,dirtyblonde

bob,dashonsomemascara,andheadoutintothewarmJunenight.

GravelcrunchesbeneathmyfeetasItryandlookcasual,strollingtowardtheroadsidebar.Thereareacoupleofcarsparkedoutside,andahandfulofmotorcyclestoboot.IhaveaboutasmuchexperiencehangingaroundwithbikertypesasIdokickingbackwithSiberian

tigers.ForallIknow,they’reequallydangerouscompanytokeep.ThemenI’vedatedhavealwaysbeenupstanding,clean-shaven,law-abidingblokes…eachonemorepainfullyboringthanthenext.I’veneverbeenonetotanglewithbadboys.Buttonight,I’llwanderintothetiger'scage.Evenifonlytoseeoneupclose.

Withadeep,steadying

breath,Istepuptothedoorofthebar.Icanhearvoicesandmusicfrominside,anappealingsortofdin.Thewidefrontwindowscoulduseagoodscrubbing,butIdon’tspotanybulletholes.That’sagoodsign,right?Wranglingmyfaceintoaneutralexpression,Ipushopentheheavydoorandcrossthethreshold.

Thesignaturesmellofliquor,

cigarettesmoke,andsawdustrollsovermeasmyeyesadjusttothelowlightofthebar.Anancientjukeboxwheezesoutaclassichardrocktune,whichunderscorestherumblingtonesofmaleconversation.Agroupofmeninleathercutsarehuddledaroundthepooltableinback,inthemiddleofagame.Thereareafewwomenhangingaroundthem,too,

rockingmicro-miniskirtsandbaremidriffs.Thebaritself,alongslabofroughhewnwood,isspottedwithsolomen,cradlingtheirbeersinsilenceandwatchingahockeygameplayingontheTVhanginginthecorner.Thereareenoughpeoplearoundtoputmeatease,butnotsomanyastobeoverwhelming.

Sofar,sogood.Nowmaybe

I’llactuallybeabletorelaxandenjoythisdrink.Isidleuptoanemptystoolattheveryendofthebarandclimbup.Thisplaceisdefinitelybuiltforbig,strappingmen,soitactuallydoesfeellikeaclimbformyshorterself.Theguysaroundmearesoengrossedintheirgamesandpints,thattheydon’tevennoticemypresence.Ihavetoadmit,I’mjusttheslightest

bitputoutbythis.Ihalfexpectedalltheirheadstoturninunisonwhenanewwomanwalkedintotheirmidst,likeinthemovies.GuessI’mnotexactlywhatyou’dcallaclassichead-turner,thoughhonestlyIdon’tspendtoomuchtimeworryingaboutit.

Ipeeraroundthestoic,handlebarmustachioedmansittingonestooldownforme,

searchingforabartender.AsIrunmyeyesalongthelongrowsofamberbottlesandstackedglasses,atoweringfigureshiftsattheedgemyperiphery.Iswingmyblue-eyedgazetowardtheendofthebarandfindthatatall,broad-shoulderedmanhasappearedthere.Hestandsfacingawayfromme,hismuscledbackripplingbeneathaplainblackteeshirt

ashereachesintothebar’scoolerforabottleofbeer.Hiswell-wornjeansarecutperfectlytohistaperedwaist,andIcan’tkeepmyeyesfromtakingagood,longlookathisfine,sculptedass.

Butit’snotuntilheturnsmywaythatIfeeltherestoftheworldfallaway.

Acrownofloosebrowncurlstumblesacrosshisforehead,

fallingtojustabovehiscollar.Longenoughtobegorgeouslyscruffy,butdefinitelynotunkempt.Hissolidjawlineisshadowedwithdarkstubble,givingwaytosharpcheekbonesandafull,firmmouththat’stwistedintoawryhalf-smile.He’sgottobeoversixfeettall,withaperfectlybalancedandseamlesslymuscledbody;abodythatstrikesmeas

evidenceofbothageneticmiracleandaruggedlyphysicallifestyle.Butwhilethismanwouldcatchmyeyeanytimeheenteredaroom,it’shiseyesthatkeepmestaringathimwithrapt,awestruckattention.

They’rethemostbeguiling,brilliantshadeofhazelI’veeverseeninreallife.Theircolorseemstoshiftwitheverymovehemakes.Yet

it’sthecontentofhiseyesthat’smostarrestingofall.There’sadepthtohisgazethat’sseeminglybottomless.Hehastheeyesofsomeonewhohasseenworsethingsthanmostpeoplecanimagine,livedthroughhardertimesthanmanycouldsurvive.Butdespitethatvastexperience,there’smirththeretoo.Thedevil-may-caredefianceofatrueadventurer.

Thoserighttherearetheeyesofawarrior.Aknight.Amanwho’swellacquaintedwithbattle.

Andrightnow,thoseeyesareswingingmyway.

Hisgazelocksontominewithasniper’sprecision,andIwatchasthatsmallsmilewidensjustahair…atmyexpense.

“Youmustbelost,”hesays

inarich,clearbaritone.

“Wh-what’sthat?”Istammer,feelingabouttwofeettall.

“Iknoweveryfacethatwalksthroughthatdoor,”hegoeson,noddingtowardtheexit.“Andyoursain’toneof‘em.”

“Oh,”Ireply,straighteningmyspine,“I’mjust,uh…passingthrough.”

Passingthrough?Ichide

myself.Whatisthis,aJohnWaynemovie?

Themanbehindthebarnods,amused,andbeginstoturnawaywithoutcomment.Ifeelheatriseintomycheeksatbeingbrushedoff.What,ishejustgoingtocompletelyignoreme?Ihaveasmuchrighttobehereasanyoneelse,evenifI’mnotexactlyhispreferredclientele.It’snotexactlyunreasonableto

expectabartendertotakeyourdrinkorder,isit?Icallafterhim,tryingtokeeptheannoyanceoutofmyvoice.

“CouldIgetadrink,please?”Iaskhim.

Hisheadsnapsbacktowardmewithalookofindignation.Hecocksaneyebrow,givingmearakingonce-overthatleavestrailsofheatallalongmyskin.A

searingpangtwistsmycore—itfeelssomethinglikelonging.Orire.Orboth?

“DoIlooklikeafuckingbartendertoyou?”themanshootsbackatme,drawingtheattentionofafewotherguysalongthebar.

“Well…Youdoseemtobetendingthebar,”Ipointout,grippingtheedgeofmystooltokeepmyhandsfrom

shaking.

Hetossesbackhishead,givinghisdarkcurlsatossasheletsoutabarkoflaughter.Inoneswiftmotion,hesetsthelipofhisbottleagainstthebarandbringshisfistslammingdown,sendingthecapflying.

“Nah.I’mjustinahabitofgettingwhatIwantformyowndamnself,”hetellsme,

takingalongswigofbeer.Iwatchthosefulllipspressupagainsttheglassbottleandfeelajoltofsensationrundownmyspine.Helowersthebeerandshootsmeanarrogantwink,“Don'tjumptoconclusions,babe.”

“Don’tcallmebabe,asshole,”IshootbackbeforeIcanstopmyself.

Thatgetshisattention.For

thefirsttime,heactuallyseemstopauseandconsiderme.Thatpanginmybellyringsouttotheveryedgesofmybodyashisgazelingersonme.HowcanIbesoviscerallyattracted,soautomaticallyresponsivetosomeonewho’sclearlyanarrogantdick?Maybeit’sjustpent-upsexualenergyfromthesepastfewmonthsoflacklusterlovemakingwith

Paul…ThoughIsuspectthisnewguywouldhavethesameeffectonmenomatterwhenhehappenedtocrossmypath.

Thosefirmlipsofhispart,lockedandloadedwithascathingcomeback,nodoubt.Butbeforehecanutterasyllable,anoldervoiceringsoutbehindhim.

“Hawthorne!”shoutsa

graying,barrel-chestedmanmarchingtowardthebarfromthestockroom.“Whatpartof‘waittobeserved’don’tyouunderstand?”

“Don’tknowwhattotellyou,Jimmy,”mysparringpartnershrugs,knockingbackhisbeer,“I’mnotrealgoodattakingorders.”

“No,that’smyjob,”grumblesJimmy,takinghis

rightfulplacebehindthebar.Hecatchessightofmesittingthereandgoeson,“Speakingof,what’llyouhave,sweetheart?”

Ispotthedark-hairedmanwatchingmeoutofthecornerofhiseye.Hisverygazefeelslikeachallenge.Adare.Andasusual,Ifindmyselfunabletopassitup.Normally,mydrinkisamojito.ButIhaveafeelingthatwouldn’tgoover

towell,here.

“Bourbon.Neat,”Itellthebartender,whoseeyebrowsraiseatmyorder.

“OK.Comingrightup,”hereplies,turningaway.

Thetallstrangerleansagainsttheroughwoodenbar,nursinghisbeer.Hesmilesatmewithmoreamusementthankindness.

“Bourbon,huh?Wasthatformybenefit?”heaskscondescendingly.

“Oh,absolutely,”Idrawlback,mywordsdrippingwithsarcasm.“I’mveryinvestedinimpressingyou.”

“Itendtohavethateffectonpeople,”herepliesnonchalantly.Itrynottonoticethewayhisbuiltarmsflexashebringsthebeerto

hislips.There’snotanounceoffatonthatbodyofhis—justmuscle,sinew,andtonsofink.He’srockingafullsleeveoftattoosonhisrightarm.Ifindmyselfwonderingwhereelsehe’statted-up.Wantingtofindoutformyself…

“Hereyougo,”Jimmysays,settingalowballglassonthebarbeforeme.Notexactlyalightpour,either.Butit’snot

likeIcanbackdownnow.

Itaketheglassinmyhand—thestrong,smokysmelloftheboozethreateningtosingemyeyebrowsrightoffmyface.Thearrogantstranger’shazeleyesarehardonmyface,hislipstwistedintoarakishgrin.ButnowthatI’mfeelingrightlycompetitive,I’mdeadsetonwipingthatsmuglookoffhisface.Bracingmyself,Ibringthe

whiskeytomylipsandknockbackalongswig—halftheglassatleast.Thepowerfulburnhitsmelikeasledgehammeratfirst,butthenthatsatisfying,fierybuzzwarmsmeallover.Ihavetosay,Igettheappeal.

Smilingtriumphantly,Ilookuptowatchthestranger’sreaction…butnoone’sthere.He’salreadyfallenintoconversationwithanother

regularatthebackofthebar,havingtotallylostinterestinme.I’mfarmoredisappointedthanmakesanyrationalsense.WhatdoIcareaboutholdingtheattentionofsomeguyatabar?Someintriguing,sexyguyIcan’tstopstealingglancesatnomatterhowhardItry…

“Pullyourselftogether,Porter,”Imutterundermybreath,settlingdowntosip

mywhiskeyandlickmywounds.MaybeI’moutofflirtingpracticeafteranentireyoungadulthoodofmonogamy.Though,cometothinkofit,Idon’tthinkIwaseverinthepracticeofflirtingtobeginwith.ThiswholerandomhookupchallengeofAllie’smightbeabithardertocompletethanIthought.

“Welllookatyou,drinkingallbyyourlonesome,”a

grainy,sneeringvoicesaysfromovermyshoulder.

Thesuddenaddressstartlesme,andIturnquicklyaroundonmystool,guardraised.Oneofthebikerguyshaswanderedoverfromthepooltabletochatmeup.Hisbodylookssolidasatank,allbulgingveinsandflushedredskin.Thickdarkhaircovershischestandarms,andIcan’thelpbutpictureagorilla

pickupartistasItakehimin.

“That’sright,”Iinformhim,tryingtotoethelinebetweenignoringandencouraginghim.Ipraythathe’lltakethehintandbackoff…butinsteadhestepsuptothebarbesideme,poppingmybubbleofpersonalspacelikeit’shisGod-givenright.

“Icanfixthatforyou,”hegrins,boozethickonhis

breathasheleersatme,“Letmebuyyouadrink,Hun.”

“Well,youknowwhattheysay,”Ireplycoolly,“Ifitain’tbroke…”

“Damn,girl!You’vegotsomemouthonyou,”helaughsmeanly,takingalongswigfromhisbeercan.“I’dlovetoknowwhatelsethatmouthisgoodfor,’sidesbacktalk.”

“Childrentalkback,”Itellhim,myfacestony,“Womenchoosenottoengageinconversationwithmenwhomakethemuncomfortable.”

“IsthatwhatI’mdoing?Makingyouuncomfortable?”theguypresses,leaninginclosetomyface.Acoldspikeoffearcutsthroughmyannoyancewithhim.AndthatspikeonlydrivesindeeperasIseeoneofhisbuddies—a

haggard,rangyguy—peelawayfromthegrouparoundthepooltableandheadourway.Iftheystartsomethingwithme,I’monmyowntostopthem.Theowner,Jimmy,isdownattheotherendofthebar,eyesfixedonthehockeygame.AndwhoknowsifIcouldevencountonhim,oranyofthemeninhere,tostandupforarandomwomanoveranotherlocal?

“Look.I’mjusttryingtoenjoymydrinkinpeace,”Iinformthefirstman,ashisbuddystepsuptoboxmein.“Pleaserespectthatandleavemealone.”

“Orwhat?”thehairyapegrins,crushinghisbeercanagainstthebar.“Whatthehellareyougonnadoaboutit?”

“Youneedtoworkonyour

manners,Missy,”thesecondmanadds,crackinghisyellowedteethintoamaliciousgrin.“Aroundhere,it’suptoyouladiestoshowusmensomerespect…Oratleastagoodtime,ifyoucatchmydrift.”

Myhandinchestowardmybackpocketastheygoon.I’veneverhadtousemypeppersprayonanyonebefore,buttheseguysare

pushingmewayoutofmycomfortzone.Mymindspinsdesperatelythroughtheoptionsathand.ShouldIbolt?Standmyground?Macetheshitoutoftheseassholes?

“Whatdoyousay?”thefirstmangrins,placinghishanddangerouslylowonthesmallofmyback.“Yougonnabeagoodgirlandpayyourrespects?”

Fightwinsoutoverflightforcontrolofmybody.Ileapupfrommystoolandwhiparoundtofacethemanwho’sharassingme,fingersclosingaroundmycanisterofpepperspray.ButthesurgeofadrenalineisshotthroughwithbaffledsurpriseasIwatchafirmhandfallonthehairyman’sshoulderandyankhimawayfromme.

“Thefuckdoyouthink

you’redoing,Vaughn?”snarlsthedark-hairedAdoniswhoblewmeoffnottenminutesago.Hiseyesarebrightwithcontemptforthemanhe’spulledawayfromme,forreasonsthatstillremainunclear.

“I’mjusthavingawordwiththislady,here,”themancalledVaughnsaysdefensively.

“Really?”saysmyunexpecteddefender,“Causeitlookedlikeyouwerebeingadamnedidiotandgivingherahardtime.”

“Whatthehelldoyoucare?”Vaughnwhines,“She’sfairgame.”

“Fairgame?”Iecho,myvoicedrippingwithire,“Whatthehellisthis,somekindoffrathouse?What

grownmantalksthatway?”

“Couldn’thavesaiditbettermyself,”saysmysuddenally,givingVaughnashovebackinthedirectionofhisbikerbuddies.I’mrelievedtoseethatnoneofthemrushtotheirfriend’sdefense.Maybethisisafamiliarroutinewiththisjerk.

“Youthinkyou’renobleorsomeshit,Hawthorne?”my

aggressorgrumbles,retreatingwithhisgrimypalintow.

“Notreally,”thehazel-eyedstrangerreplies,“I’mjustnotthekindofguywhoenjoyspickingonlittlegirls.”

Myreliefatbeingsavedfromthoseassholesdeflatesslightly.Isthathowthisguyseesme,asalittlegirl?Isthatwhyhesteppedintoprotect

me—becauseIdon’tlooklikesomeonewhocanstandupformyself?I’llownthefactthatIwasscaredshitlessforasecondthere,butstill,IwouldhavecomeoutswingingifI’dhadto.

“Youdidn’thavetodothat,”Isay,crossingmyarmstightlyovermychest.I’msuddenlyveryawarethatmyblackbraisshowingslightlythroughmywhitetank.“I

couldhavehandledthoseguysmyself.”

“Oh,isthatso?”hegrinsback,peeringdownatmewiththosedazzlinghazeleyes.“Whatexactlywasyourplanofaction,huh?”Iproducemycanisterofpeppersprayforhisappraisal,whichonlymakeshispatronizinggringrowwider.“Gotasidearm,huh?You’retougherthanyoulook.”

“AndhowtoughdoIlooktoyou,exactly?”Ireplyheatedly.

“Nottoughenoughtobeinaplacelikethisonyourown,”hesaysfrankly.

“Well,maybeIshouldgetoutofherethen,”Isay,reachingformywhiskeyandtakinganotherbiggulpthatdrainstheglass.Ihavetosay,Idon’ttotallyhatethatburn

afterall.

“Why?You’renotonyourownanymore,”hereplies,settlingontothenextbarstoolandgivingmineapat.“Nowthatyou’vegotmeforcompany.”

“DidIsayIwantedyourcompany?”Ishootback,thoughofcourseIdo.

“No.ButIwantyours,”herepliesevenly,takingmy

handinhis.Electricityshootsupmyentirearm,shockingmeintostillness.“AndI’minthehabitofgettingwhatIwant.Remember?”

Ifanyoneelseintheworldtriedalinelikethatonme,I’dlaughinhisfaceandwalkaway.Butcomingfromthisguy,itdoesn’tcomeoffasbravado.Actually,itsomehowhastheringofapromisetoit.Maybeit’s

becausehestoppedthoseguysfromharassingme,maybeit’shiswinningsmile,maybeit’sjustthebourbon,butIdowanttostayhereandgettoknowhim.Atleastalittle.Everycellinmybodyisscreamingtobeclosertohim,evenifit’sjustascloseasthenextbarstool.

“What’syourname?”Iaskhimquietly,lettingmyhandrestinhis.

“CashHawthorne,”hereplies,hisfingerstighteningeversoslightlyaroundmineinsomethingbetweenahandshakeandacaress.

“I’mMadeleine.Maddie,”Itellhim,pullingmyhandawayasthesensationfinallybecomestoomuchtobear.

“WellMaddie,”Cashgrins,“Youjustbecamemynewdrinkingbuddyforthenight.

Isuggestyougetcomfortable.We’regonnabehereforawhile.”

HecatchesJimmy’seyeandholdsupacouplefingers.Inamoment,twofreshglassesofbourbonhaveappearedonthebarbeforeus.Isettledownbeforemyreplenishedglass,alreadyverymuchfeelingthebuzz.Idon’tusuallytakemyliquorstraight,andthoughI’mnolightweight,Ihaveno

doubtthatCashherecoulddrinkthreeofmeunderthetable.ButIknowfullwellthatthere’snoleavingnow.Somethingaboutthisguyhassnaggedmyinterest—andIintendtofindoutwhatthatsomethingis.

“Tonewfriends,”Isay,liftingmyglasstohis.

“I’lldrinktothat,”Cashsays,knockingtherimofhisglass

againstmineasthosehazeleyesboreintome.

Anewsongcomesonthejukeboxaswesampleourfreshdrinks—it’s“ABoyNamedSue”byJohnnyCash.Thecoincidenceisn’tlostonme.

“Waitaminute,”Isay,anglingmybodytowardmysexynewcompanion.“You’renotnamedafter—”

“Iam,asamatteroffact,”hesaysproudly,“Mydadisabigfan.AllmeandmybrotherslistenedtogrowingupwasJohnnyCash,CCR,andTheStones.Couldhavebeenworsethough,right?Whatifhe’dbeenintoHootieandtheBlowfish?”

“That…wouldhavebeenunfortunate,”Ilaugh,feelingmyguardloweringwitheverypassingsecond.This

guyisdeadsexyandhasasenseofhumor?He’searningsomechecksinthepluscolumnafteraratherunimpressivestart,that’sforsure.

“Damnright,itwouldhavebeenunfortunate,”Cashsays,hisdeep,changeableeyeslingeringonme,“HowinthehellwouldIgetaprettygirllikeyoutohaveadrinkwithmewithanamelikeHootie?”

SohethinksI’mpretty.Thatshouldn’tmakemeasgiddyasitdoes.Andyet…

“Thatinterceptionyouranwiththoseassholesstillwouldhavedonethetrick,”Ireply,“Thankyouforthat,bytheway.Iwouldhavedealtwithitsomehow,butIappreciateyousteppinginbackthere.”

“Don’tmentionit,”he

shrugs,“Theirbarkisworsethantheirbite.JustabunchofwannabeMCtoughguyswhowatchedalittletoomuchSonsofAnarchy.Besides,theydon’tfuckwithguyslikeme.”

“Guyslikeyou?”Iask,takinganothersipofwhiskey.

“Vets,”hereplies,puttingawaysomemorebourbonofhisown.

“You’reintheArmy?”Iask,surprised.“Butyoucan’tbemucholderthanme.”

“I’m26,”hetellsme,ahintofhardnesscomingintohisvoice.“Plentyoldenoughtoserve.Hell,IwasrightoutofhighschoolwhenIenlisted.”

“Iguessso,”Ireply.It’ssohardtothinkofguysthatyoungfightingoverseas.Butthen,there’snothingeasy

aboutthatkindoflife.“ButIthoughtyousaidyouweren’tverygoodattakingorders?”Igoon.

“I’mnot,”herepliesbluntly,polishingoffhisdrink.“There’sareasonI’msittingherewithyouinsteadofcoughingupsandinsomefuckingdesertrightnow.”

“Oh.You’renot,uh,servinganymore?”Iaskhaltingly,

tryingtokeepupwiththepaceofhisdrinkingoutofnervousness.I’veneveractuallyknownanyoneinthearmedforces,atleastnotwell.Bothsidesofmyfamilyhavealwaystendedtowardartisticandacademicpursuits,notexactlycompatiblewithmilitaryservice.

“No,I’mnot,”Cashtellsme,flaggingJimmydownagain

andsignalingforanotherround.Ihurryanddrainmyglass,wonderingatthespeedwithwhichhechangesthesubject.Maybehismilitaryrecordhassomethingtodowiththatgravityinhisgaze.

“Andwhataboutyou?”heasksasJimmyrefillsourglasses,“What’syourstory?”

“Oh.I’m.Uh.Inmarketing,”Ireplyvaguely.Itsounds

prettyunimpressive,setnexttoactivemilitaryservice.

“Soundsfuckingboring,”helaughs,instantlydashinganytensionbetweenus…Negativetension,thatis.There’sstillplentyofanotherkindoftensionbuzzingintheairaroundourbodies.Ihavetolaughalongwithhim.He’snotwrong.

“Ipromiseit’scoolerthanit

sounds,”Isay,palmingmynewglass.“Ibasicallyjustthrowawesomepartiesforrichcompaniesandgetpaidforit.”

Inoticethathisbodyhasedgedabitclosertomine.Icanfeeltheheatcomingoffhisskin,radiatingagainstme.Whatwoulditbeliketofeelthatwarmtheverywhere?Tobeencompassedbyhim.Swallowedup…

“Thatdoessoundcooler.Foracitygirllikeyou,thatis,”hegrins,snappingmyattentionbacktothepresent.“I’mnotsureI’dbeanygoodatit.”

“Citygirl?!”Iexclaim,givinghimaplayfulshove…whichmayormaynotjustbeanexcusetolaymyhandsonthatrockhardbicepofhis.Myfingerscomeawaypracticallyachingformore.

“Well,aren’tyou?”heshootsback,lettinghisarmrestcasuallyonthebackofmybarstool.Icanfeelmyselfgettingmoreintoxicatedbythesecondwiththeclosenessofhim.Thatplusthewhiskeyhasmefeelingmoreawake,moreengagedthanIhavein…years.Withaman,atleast.Andthat’scountingthemonths-longrelationshipIjustgotoutof.Icanbarely

evenconjureupanimageofPaul,withthisguysittinginfrontofme.He’slikeaneclipse,blockingouteverythingbuthimselfinmyeyes.

“Imean,I’mtechnicallyacitygirl.Presently,”Ismileathim,“I’vebeenlivinginSeattlesinceIfinishedcollege.ButIgrewupwithmyfamilyinVermont.”

“Acitygirlandadirtyhippiethen,”Cashsays,shakinghishead,“Man,Isureknowhowtopick‘em.”

“You’vepickedme,huh?”Ireply,myvoicedippinglowinmychest.“Pickedmeforwhat,exactly?”

Cash’seyesflickuptomeetminebeforetravelingdownalongthelengthofmybody.“Fromthewayyou’re

talking,”hesays,hisownvoicegoingraggedaroundtheedgeswithsomethingthatsoundsawholelotlikewant,“Itsoundslikeyou’vealreadygotsomethinginmindforus.”

“What,me?”Isaywithagrin,“IthoughtIwasjustasweetlittlegirl.”

“Ithoughtsotoo,”hesays,lettinghisfingerstraildown

myarm,“ButI’mnotafraidtoadmitwhenIgetitwrong.”

Along,chargedmomentunfoldsbetweenus,andmyeyesflickdowntohisfulllips.Myheadisswimmingwithwantingtotastehim,butIcan’ttellwhetherhe’sgoingtokissmeornot.Finally,thepressuregetstome,andIbreakawaytodraintherestofmyglass.

“Howaboutacouplebeers?”Isuggest.

“Soundsgoodtome,”Cashsays,slippinganarmaroundmywaist.“Realgood.”

CashandIgoontalkingintothenight,lettingourconversationwanderwhereveritlikes.Hetellsmeaboutthemotorcyclerepairshopheownsnearby,the

boxinggymhefrequentsinhisfreetime,hisloveofMMAandUFC.I,inturn,tellhimmoreabouttheoutrageouseventsI’veproducedforwork,myloveofgoodcoffeeandliterature,myinextinguishablehikinghabitthat’sonlygrownstrongersincemovingtothePacificNorthwest.

We’reliketwooldfriendswhohaven’tseeneachother

inyears.Well,twooldfriendswhoalsowouldquiteliketojumpeachothers’bones,thatis.Atleast,that’sthevibeI’mgettingfromhim.CouldIbewrong?I’veneverbeenverygoodattellingwhetheraguyisinterestedinmeornot.Iusuallyneedsomeone—i.e.Allie—totellmewhenadudeisintome.I’mjustinthemiddleofastoryaboutme

andAllieincollegewhenmyloosetonguegetsthebetterofme.

“Wewereactuallyjusthangingoutearlier,meandAllie,”ItellCash,mykneebrushingupagainsthisaswecommuneoverourbeers,“Iswear,she’slikethelittledevilsittingonmyshoulder,exceptmyangelalwaysseemstobeonasmokebreak.Shegotmetoagreeto

themostridiculousbet…”

“Ohyeah?What’sthebet?”Cashasks,aloosebrowncurltumblingacrosshisforehead.

Iclapbothhandsovermymouth,eyesgoingwide.“Ohnooo,”Ilaugh,“No,no,no.I’mnottelling.”

“Comeon,”hepresses,tuggingmejustalittlecloser,“Tellmewhatthebetis,Porter.”

“No,no.Ican’t,”Iinsist,busyingmyselfwithanothergulpofbeer,“You’llthinkit’sabsolutelypathetic.”

“Well,nowyouhavetotellme,”hegrins.“I’llbethejudgewhetherornotit’spathetic.”

Ithrowupmyhands,justtipsyenoughtonolongergiveashit.It’snotlikeI’mevergoingtoseethisguy

againaftertonight,right?

“Fine,”Isay,lookinghimsquareintheeye,“AlliebetmethatIcouldn’tbringmyselftohaveonerandomhookupbeforemyvacationisover.”

Cashstaresatme.“That’sit?”heasks.

“Well,yeah,”Itellhim.

Aroaroflaughterrisesoutof

him,“Howisthatsomethingyouevenhavetobeton?”hecrows,“Isayitdoesn’tcountasavacationuntilyouhaveatleastonerandomhookup!”

“Wellexcuseme,”Ishootback,“Lookslikeoneofusisalotmorepronetoonenightstandsthantheother.”

“What’swrongwithonenightstands?”Cashasks,settinghisemptybeerbottle

downonthebar.

“Nothing…intheory,”Imutter,suddenlybashful.Ibarelyknowthisguy,butIalreadyfeellikethere’snothingIcanhidefromhim.

“Wait,wait,”Cashsays,spinningmybarstoolaroundtofacehis.“Youhavehadaonenightstandbefore,haven’tyou?”Hisfaceismereinchesfromminenow,

ourlegsinterlockedbetweenus.Betweenmybuzzandhisproximitytome,Icanbarelyputonewordinfrontofanother.Butintheend,Idon’thaveto.Hecanreadtheansweronmyface,plainasday.

“Youhaven’t…”hegoeson,anexpressionofamazementsooverwhelming,thatitlookspainfulcomingacrosshisface.

“Gotme,”Ismiletimidly.Heleansbackinhisseat,justlookingatme.Self-consciousnesswashesoverme,forcingmetoavertmygaze.“Thatdoesn’tmakemeazooanimal,soyoucanquitstaring,”Imutter.

“Sorry.Mybad,”hesays,“Ijustcan’tquitebelieveit.”

“No?”Ireply,allstockeduponliquidcourage.“Why’s

that?”

“Becauseyoumusthaveyourpickofthelitter,whereguysareconcerned,”hesayssimply,“Imean…lookatyou.”

“Well,youwouldknowwhatthat’slike,huh?”Ireply,sopleasedbythecomplimentthatIdon’tevenmindblowingmyspot.

“What,youlikewhatyou

see?”hegrins,pretendingtostrikeaposeforme.

“Obviously,”Ilaugh,restingmyhandonhiskneewithoutthinking…butdefinitelynotrushingtomoveitanytimesoon.

“Soweagreeaboutonething,”hemurmurscontemplatively,lettinghishandfallontopofmine,“Weeachthinktheotherissexyas

hell.”

“IsthatwhatIsaid?!”Ilaugh,blushing.

“Imayhaveembellishedalittle,”hereplies,“Buteventhoughwe’rebothattractedtoeachother,oneofusisalotmorepronetoonenightstandsthantheother,right?Whattodo…”

Ifeelmypulsequickenasherubshisthumbagainstmy

hand.Jokingaroundaboutrandomhookupsisonething…butthefactremainsthatI’veneverdoneanythinglikethatbefore.Idon’thaveanythingagainstsleepingwithsomeoneoutsideofarelationship,butIalsodon’tknowanythingaboutthisguy.Otherthanthefactthatthemerepressureofhishandagainstmineismakingmeclenchmythighstogether,as

pulsesofdesirerippleupthroughmybody.

“Wouldn’tthatbesomething,ifIknockedoutmybetonthefirstnight…”Isay,tryingtosoundbreezy.Buttheraginglusttwistingmycoreringsoutloudandclearthroughmyvoice.

“Isthatwhatyouwant?”Cashasks,leaningintomeashishandmovesslowlyhigher

onmythigh.

“I…Well…”Istammer,savoringthefeelofhisfingersbrushingagainstmythighthroughthedenim.

“You’reblushing,”hetellsme,eyesgleamingwithseriouswant.Upanduphishandstrays,movingclosertothatthrobbingplacebetweenmylegs.Ihavetoswallowhardtokeepfrommoaning,

hishandsfeelsogoodonme.

“Nokidding,I’mblushing,”Ibreathe,“Howareyounot?”

“I’mjustbetterathidingitthanyou,”hesmiles.Buthesetsalljokingasidetheverynextmoment,stillinghishandjustbeforeitbrushesagainstmysex.“ListenMaddie,”hegoeson,“Iknowwe’vebeenkiddingaroundallnight,butifyou’renot

intothis,oryou’vehadtoomuchtodrink,or—”

“Ihaven’t,”Isayhurriedly,“Imean,Iam…intoit.”

“Ineedyoutobeonehundredpercentsure,”hesaysfirmly,liftinghishandsawayfrommybody,“Especiallyifyou’veneverhadaone-offbefore.Hell,I’mnotevensureifyoucouldhandleme,evenjust

foranight.”

Ilaugh,thoughmybodyiscryingoutforhistouch.“I’mprettysureI’dbeabletohandleyoujustfine,Hawthorne.”

“Maybe,”heshrugs,turningslightlyawayfromme.“ButI’mtellingyourightnow,prettysureisn’tgonnacutitforme.”

He’sgivingmeanout.Ican

getupandwalkawayrightnowifIwantto,nostrings,nohardfeelings.Andeveryotherdayofmylifeleadinguptothis,witheveryotherguyI’veevermet,that’sexactlywhatI’ddo.Buttoday,Cashissittinginfrontofme.Hisscruffy,cutjawpulsingashebitesbackhiswantofme.Hishazeleyesburningwithbothneedandtherestraintofit.Hisstrong,

experthandsrestingresolutelyonhisknees,whentheyshouldbeexploringeveryinchofme.

“Fuckit,”Imutterfiercely,takinghissculptedfaceinmyhandsandclosingthespacebetweenus.

Inthesecondthatittakesformetobringmymouthtohis,he’sraceduptomeetmeinthemoment.Hecatchesmy

lipsinhis,asIopenmymouthtohim.Thefullfirmnessofhislipsnearlytakesmybreathaway.Iwrapmyarmsbehindhisneck,steadyingmyselfagainsthim,ashistongueglidesagainstmine.Thetasteofhimdancesacrossmytongue,andI’mdrunkeroffhiminasecond,thanI’vemanagedtogetallnight.Itakehisbottomlipbetweenmyteeth,biting

gentlydown.Alow,softgroanrumblesattheverycoreofhim,sodeepthatIcanfeelitwhereweconnectatthemouth.

“How’sthatforonehundredpercentsure?”Ibreathe,pullingbacktotrainmyblueeyesonhim.

“Yeah.That’lldo,”hegrowls,hisarmscirclingmyslenderwaist.

It’sonlythen,thatInoticethecatcallsrisingupfromthebackofthebar.Thegroupofbikersclusteredaroundthepooltablestartedcheeringusonaswelockedlips,andtheyhaveallkindsofdirtysuggestionsastowhatweshoulddonow.

“Weseemtohaveanaudience,”Imurmur.

“I’mnotsureIshoulddrive

backtomyplace,afterthismanyrounds…”Cashsays,grittinghisteeth.“Butdammit,I’llcarryyoubackifIhaveto.”

Iletmyhandstraildownhisbody,unthinking.Theyrunoverthefirmpanesofhischest,theperfectlineofabs,andonward.Suddenly,Ifeelmyfingertipsbrushagainstastaggeringnewdevelopment.Iglancedown,eyeswidening

asItakeinthebulginglength,threateningtotearstraightthroughhisjeans.Thatdoesit.

“I’mstayingatthemotelnextdoor,”Ibreathe,eyeslockedonhis.

“Whythehelldidn’tyousayso?”hebreathes,hisvoicehuskywithlust.

Istandupfrommybarstool,barelyabletoremainupright

fromthethrobbingbetweenmylegs.Ascasuallyaspossible,IlacemyfingersthroughCash’sandpullhimtostanding.Heplaysalongwithmynonchalance,drapinganarmacrossmyshouldersasweturntogo.Asthebikersstartroaringtheirapproval,weglanceinunisonoverourshouldersandeachgivethemthefingerwithourfreehands.Oursynchronized

bird-flippingmakesuswhiparoundtofaceeachother,smilinglikeacoupleoflunatics.Ifourbodiesarealreadythissyncedup,thatbodesprettywellfortherestoftheevening.

Thesecondthebardoorswingsshutbehindus,Cash’spowerfulhandsgrabholdofmyhips.Heswingsmearoundandpressesmeupagainstthebrickwallofthe

bar,kissingmehardasheholdsmepinnedthere.Igaspasheshiftshiships,lettingmefeelhisrigidcockrightagainstmyachingslit.OurtonguestangleasIburymyfingersinhisthick,darkcurls.Thebrickisroughagainstmybareshoulders,butIcouldn’tgivelessofadamn.

“Goddammit…”Cashrasps,brushingalockofhairaway

frommyfaceashelooksdownatmeintheredneonlight.“I’vewantedtodothatfromthesecondIlaideyesonyou.”

“Really?”Ibreathe,“Could’vefooledme.”

“LikeIsaid,Iknowhowtohidethingsbetterthanyou,”hesmiles,runninghishandsdownmysidesashebringshislipstomyneck.

Iletmyheadfallbackagainstthebrickashekissesdeeplyalongmythroat,dizzywithneedingtofeelmoreofhim.

“Comeon,Hawthorne,”Iurgewithagrin,breakingawayacrossthegravel,“Beforethecrazymotelbiddyseesus.”

“I’mnotevengonnaaskwhatthehellyou’retalkingabout,”Cashsays,takingoffafterme

acrossthelot.

Idashoutaheadofhim,feelingfortheworldlikeI’msixteenyearsoldagain.Howcansomethingsoillicitfeelsolight,soeasy?Cashcatchesuptomeinnotime,duckingdownandscoopingmeintoafireman’scarry.

“Cash!”Icryout,“What—?”

“Armytraining.WhatcanItellyou?”helaughs,racing

towardthemotel.“Thisprettydamnnearfeelslikealifeordeathsituation,afterall…”

HeskidstoastopjustoutsidemydoorandsetsmeuprightasIfumbleformykeycard.Icanbarelygetthethingin,myhandsaretremblingsohard.Butthesecondthatlockclicksopen,wetumblethroughthedoorwayandslamitshutontherestoftheworld.Ourhandsfindeach

other’sbodiesinthenearpitch-blackness,liftingofflayersofclothingaswestaggeracrosstheunfamiliarroom.

IfeelmyfeetgooutfromundermeasItripovermyhugesuitcase.ThebedrisesuptomeetmeasIfall,bringingCashdownontopofme.Welaughthroughkissingattheslapstickmoment,butsoontheonlysoundIcan

makeisalow,shudderingmoan.Ifallbackagainstthemattress,wearingnothingbutmypantiesasCashkneelsoverme.Thatsameneonglowflashesagainsthisbareskin,illuminatingeveryperfectlycutmuscle.Everylineofink.Andashetugsdownhisblackbriefs,Ifinallycatchaglimpseofhisstaggering,irresistiblecock.

“Youknowsomething?”I

gasp,reachingtorunmyhandsalongthathard,pulsatinglength.“IthinkIcouldgetusedtothisonenightstandthing…”

Butmywordscutoutasheslipsmypantiesdownovertheriseofmyassandlowershimselftome.

“Maddie,”herasps,“I’mgonnamakeyouwishforawholelotmorethanone

night…”

Iletmykneesfallapart,openingmyselftohim.Icanfeeltheswollentipofhimpressedflushagainstmywetness.I’mholdingontohisbroad,muscledshouldersfordearlife,cravingthefeelofhimdeepinsideme.Butinsteadofdrivinghiscockintomyverycore,hestartskissingalongmyneck,betweenmybreasts,overthe

valleyofmytautstomach,furtherandfurtherdown,until—

“Oh,JesusChrist,”Igasp,rakingmyfingersalonghisbackasIfeelhiswarmbreathagainstmyslicksex.

“Toldyou,”hegrowlsinthedizzyingdarkness—hislastwordsbeforeIfeelhisexperttonguerunningalongthelengthofme.

Ifthisiswhatrandomhookupsarelike,Ithinkinmyblissfuldelight,I’llsticktothemfortherestofmylife.

ChapterThreeThenextmorning…

“Shit,shit…”Imutter,asmyphonebeginschirpingincessantlyfromtheotherroom.

Stillclutchingthetangledmotelsheettomynakedbody,Idartoutofthebathroomandsnatchupthenoisydevice.I'dtotallyforgottenthatIsetanearlyalarm.Blinkingblearilyatthebrightscreen,Ihurrytosilencethethingbeforeitwakesupmyunexpectedroommate.

IholdmybreathasCashrollsontohisbackonthenarrow

bed,buthisownbreathingremainsslowandshallow.He’sstillfastasleep.MygazeisarrestedasIcatchsightofhimintheearlymorninglight.TryasImight,Ican’tlookawayfromtheriseandfallofhissculpted,ink-coveredchest.Tworowsofperfectlyformedabsrolllikehillsalonghistorso,givingwaytothemuscular“V”ofhiswaist.Andjustbelow

that…

“Ohmygod,”Isqueakinawhisper,myeyesgoingwideatthesightofhisprodigiousmorningwood,holdingupthemotelcomforterlikeatentpole.“Ohmygod,ohmygod…”

Idashbackintothebathroomandclosethedoorbehindme,chestrisingandfallinglikemad.Thefullweightofwhat

happenedbetweenmeandCashlastnightisfinallyhittingme.ThisisfarfromthefirsttimeI’vesleptwithsomeone,butitisthefirsttimeformultipleotherthings.Orrather,multiplesofoneverywonderfulthing.Whydidn’tanyonetellmesexcouldbelikethat?Iwouldhavebeenhavingmuchmoreofitthiswholetime!With,admittedly,farmoreskillful

partners.

Mycellbuzzesinmyhand,andIglancedowntoseethatIhaveanewtextfromAllie.

Iswallowalaughandtextback.

Alliepouncesonthebaitatonce…

Withmyheartlodgedinmy

throat,Ipeekaroundthebathroomdoor.CashHawthorneisstillfastasleepinmybed.AlliewillneverbelievethatI’veactuallyspentthenightwithhim…unlessIofferhersomeproof.Iraisemyphoneandsnapapicofhisslumberingform.Notexactlygoodmorning-afteretiquette,Iknow,butIcanalwayspleadignoranceoftheonenight

standrulesofengagementifpressed.IsendthepictoAllieinamessage,andreceiveanimmediate,andexuberant,reply.

Ishakemyheadatthephoneandcreepbackintothemotelroomproper.AsquietlyasI

can,IweedmyclothesoutfromCash’sandslipbackintothem.Myplanwastogetontheroadfirstthinginthemorningtoday.Iwasn’texpectingtofactoralittlemorning-afterdiscussionintotheschedule.

MystomachflipsasItryandfigureoutwhatIshouldevensaytoCashbeforeIgo.“Thanksfortheawesomefuck,seeyounever”?“Gotta

go,haveanicelifewithyourincrediblecock”?NothingIcanthinkofquitedoesthetrick.MaybeIshouldjustduckoutbeforehewakesupandspareusboththemomentofawkwardness?I’msureI’lljustsaythewrongthingandruinwhatwasanincrediblenight.WhatIreallywantistoseehimagain,butIcan’ttellhimthat.I’lljustseemneedyandclingy—anathematoa

lonewolftypelikehim,I’msure.Onethingiscertain—Ineedtodecideonacourseofactionbeforemygorgeousbedmatewakesup.

BeforeIcanoverthinkthisanyfurther,Igrabthecomplementarynotepadandpenfromthebedsidetableandscrawlthefirstthingthatcomestomind:

Cash—Itwaswonderfultomeetyou.Takecare.MP

Andwiththat,Igrabmysuitcaseandheadforthedoor.IgrantmyselfonelastlookatCashHawthorne’sgorgeoussleepingfacebeforegoing.Idon’tknowmuchaboutonenightstands,butIknowthere’snowayIshouldbefeelingthisattachedto

mine.MaybeIshouldstayafterall?Grabsomecoffeewithhim,tradenumbers?

No,Ithinkresolutely,forcingmyselfoutthedoor,Leaveitbe,Maddie.Don’ttrytomakethisintosomethingit’snot.It’lljusthurtwhenhedoesn’tfeelthesameway.

Islidemykeycardintothedropboxoutsidetheoffice,hurryingawaybeforethe

blue-hairedsentryreappears.ThelastthingIwanttodoisexplaintoherwhyhousekeepingisgoingtofindamanamongmybedsheetslatertoday.

Mysex-scrambledbraingetsturnedaroundmorethanonceonthesecondlegofmyroadtrip,addingfourwholehoursontomydrive.BythetimeI

getmybearingsandturnontothelong,dustyroadleadingofftotheaddressmymotherprovidedme,it’slateintheday.Mystomachcrampswithhungerandmyhangoverpoundsawayatmyskull.Atleastmyphysicaldiscomfortdistractsmefromthecuriouspangsthatkeeptuggingatmyheartstrings.ItmustjustbebecauseI’munusedtosexoutsideofarelationship,butI

alreadyfeelmyselfstartingtomissCash…whichisinsane,Iknow.Nottomentionlameashell.Butwhat’sagirltodo?

IsteermyancientHondadownthewindingroadastall,leafytreesarchoverhead.I’veneverseenthisallegedlakehousebefore,orevenvisitedmymom’soldhometown.Ihavenoideawhattoexpect…butit’s

definitelynotwhat’sactuallywaitingaroundthebend,that’sfordamnsure.

Myjawfallsopenasahuge,gorgeouslybuilthomeappearsinmyfieldofvision.Awide,shadedverandaencirclesthethree-storywoodenhome,andtheturquoisebluewaterofapristinelakefiltersthroughthetreelinebehindit.Asprawlinglawnhasbeen

clearedaroundthehouse,dottedwithvegetableandflowergardens,bocceandbadmintoncourts,andahottubandoutdoorshower.Greenshuttersanddarkstainedwoodlendanairofgravityandclasstotherusticparadise—alltold,thisplaceisabsolutelyincredible.

Theonlyquestionis…whatthehellismymomdoing,rentingoutapalacelikethis?

Shedoesn’texactlyrakeinthedoughasanartist.Something’soff,here.

Ispotafewcarsliningthedrivewayandparkminebehindthem,fillingmylungswithcrisplakeairasIstepoutside.Blinkingintothebright,dappledsunlight,Imakemywaytowardthefrontdooroftheimpressivehouse,climbingtheflightofwoodenstepsthatleadupto

theporch.I’mjustabouttoclosemyfingersaroundthedoorknob,whenaflutterofmotioncatchesthecornerofmyeye.

“JesusChrist!”Iyelp,fallingbackagainstthedoor.Alithe,contortedbodyispretzeledthereontheporch,halfwayhiddenbytheshadowofthehouse.Anduponsecondglance,Iseethatit’saveryfamiliarpretzel,indeed.

“Sophie,youscaredtheshitoutofme,”Igasp.

“Oh.Hey,Maddie,”repliesmymiddlesister,glancingupatmefromherelaborateposture.“Onesec,I’mjustfinishingupmypractice.”

“Whatareyoupracticing,exactly?”Iaskher,cockingmyhead,“Howtofitacorpseintoasuitcase?”

Sheuntanglesherlimbswith

asigh,andcomestosittingonamutedredmat.Herwavycaramelblondehairispulledintoabun,herlonglimbsglisteningwiththeexertionofherexercise.I’msuddenlyfeelingveryself-consciousofmysmearedmakeupandslouchyclothes—butthat’salwayssortoftheeffectthattheeffortlesslygorgeousSophiehasonme.

“It’syoga,Maddie,”shesays

now,alreadyboredwithme,“Surelyyou’veheardofit.”

Andjustlikethat,mylittlesisterandIareofftoashakystart.Asperusual.SophiahasalwaysbeenthemostseriousPortersister,andmyconstanteffortstolightenthemoodonlyeverseemtomakethingsworse.Andwhatwithmypoundinghangoverandbaffledheart,Ican’treallymusteruptheenergytokeep

ourinteractionsunny.

“Didyouknowthisplacewasgoingtobeamansion?”Iaskher,crossingmyarms,“There’snowayMomcanbeaffordingthiseasily.”

“SincewhenhasMomeverbotheredtorunanythingpastus?”Sophieshrugs,rollinguphermat.“I’msureit’sfine.”

Mymouthturnsdownatthecorners.WhyamIalwaysthe

onlyoneworryingaboutthebigpicturearoundhere?I’mabouttokeeppressingfordetailswhenaflutterofashblondehair—nearlywhiteinitslightness—appearsbetweenthetreesattheedgeoftheyard,catchingmyeye.Speakingofpictures…

“IsthatAnna?”IaskSophie,squintingacrossthegrassyexpanse.

“Whoelse?”shereplies,followingmygazeinthedirectionofouryoungestsister.“She’sbeenwanderingaroundthewoodswithhercameraforhours.Idon’tthinkshe’ssaidthreewordsallmorning.”

“Soundsaboutright,”Isay,watchingasAnnabel’swillowyformcrouchesdowntosnapashotofsomeQueenAnne’sLace.OfallusPorter

women,Anna’sthequietest.Infact,I’dsayshe’stheonlyquietoneamongus.Itisn’tthatshe’sshy,necessarily—justagirloffewwords.

“Hey,AnnieLeibowitz!”Sophiecalls,shatteringthesereneafternoonsilence,“Lookwho’sfinallyhere!”

Annalooksupwithherenormousblueeyes,lookingfortheworldlikeastartled

deer.SometimesIthinksheforgetstherestoftheworldexistswhenshe’speeringthroughhercameralens.Sheturnsandlopestowardusacrosstheyard,aplacidsmileonherface.

“HiMaddie,”shesays,climbingtheporchstepstwoatatime.Herpalelegsgoonformiles.Whendidshegofrombeingmyscrappy,scabby-kneedlittlesistertoa

grownwoman?“Didyougetlostorsomething?Theday’shalfgone.”

“Probablyjustdraggedherfeetallthewayhere,”Sophiemutters,“NotthatIblameyou.”

“Uh-huh,”Ireply,refusingtoengageinherbantering.I’mherebecauseMomaskedmetocome,andbecausemybossesforcedmetofinally

takemysaved-upvacationdays,nottobickerwithmylittlesistersfortwoweeks.

“Someplace,right?”Annasays,beamingaroundtheproperty,“Ican’tbelievewegettostayhere.”

“Thequestionishowdo,wegettostayhere,”Ireply,plantingmyhandsonmyhips.“Iknowwe’venevernecessarilybeenhurtingfor

money,butthisseemsalittleexorbitantforfourpeople.Don’tyouthink?”

Sophie’seyessparklemischievously.“Oh,it’snotjustfourofus,”shetellsme.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Ishootback.

“Youdon’tknow?”Annaasks.

“Ofcourseshedoesn’t.Mom

didn’tsayanythingaboutittous,”Sophiereplies.

“Guys.WhatisitIdon’tknow?”Iask,exasperated.

“AskMom,”Sophiereplies,“I’msureshe’llexplaineverything.”

“Sophie,what—”Ipress,butdon’tgetanyfurther.Rightoncue,thefrontdoorswingsopen,andIfindmyselfwrappedupintheairybut

ardentembraceofmymother,RobinPorter.

“Finally!Allmygirlsarehere,”shegushesinherlight,bell-likevoice.Thickgoldenblondecurlsflyeverywhichwayasshegreetsme,thegold-fleckedblueeyesshepassedalongtoherdaughtersshiningwithhappytears.

“Mom,Hey,”Ireply,returningherhug,“Sophie

andAnnawerejusttellingme—”

“Justlookatyou,”shecutsmeoff,holdingmeatarm’slengthforinspection.“Ilovetheshorthair!Sobecoming,Maddie.HaveyoulostalittlebabyfatsincethelasttimeIsawyou?Oh,youmusthave.Andthere’ssomethingelsedifferent,too.Asortofglow.Ican’tputmyfingeronit…”

Istepawayfromher,hopingthatthe“somethingelse”isn’tthelingeringsexed-upflushoflastnight’sescapades.Justincase,IchangethesubjectasquicklyasIcan.

“Mom,Sophiejusttoldmeitisn’tjustusstayinghere.”Icuttothechase,“Whatisshetalkingabout?”

“Comeinside,letmeshow

youaround,”mymomtrills,seemingnottohaveheardme.Iswallowdownmyannoyancewithherhabitofnotlisteningwhenotherpeoplespeak.After24years,I’mprettyaccustomedtohertalkingrightovereveryoneelse.Likelittleducklings,mysistersandIfallinbehindourmotherassheglidesintotheimpressivehouse.

Ahugegreatroomopensup

beforeus,itsfarwallanenormouswindowthatlooksoutontothedeckandlakebeyond.I’mstruckdumbbythegorgeousnessoftheview,andthefinecraftsmanshipthat’sgoneintoeverydetailofthehome’sdecor.Midcenturymodernfurnitureandfixturespopulatethehigh-ceilingedspace,whichincludesafullystockedkitchen,breakfastnook,and

fireplace.Thecombinationofrusticandsleektouchesistrulystriking.Theremustbeatleasthalfadozenbedroomsupstairs,judgingbythesizeofthisplace.Butthen,who’soccupyingthembesidesus?

“Don’tyoujustloveit?”Momasksrapturously,doingalittlespinaroundthegreatroom.Herlongbohemianskirtsfansoutaroundher,the

banglesaroundherwristsjangling.“Everysingledetailwashandpicked.Johnreallydoeshaveincredibletaste.Andnotjustindesign,either.Youshouldseethewinecellar—”

“John?”Icutheroffsharply,“Who’sJohn?”

“Oh!”sheexclaims,herhandflyingtoherchest,“Youhaven’tmetJohnyet!Hewas

herejustasecondago…”

“OK,butwhoishe?”Iaskagain,trailingmymomasshepeersaroundthegroundfloor.

“Heownsthehouse,”Momrepliesdistractedly.“Hebuiltit,actually.Incredible,right?”

“Yeah.Sure.So,whatisthis—likeahouseshareorsomething?”Iask,exasperated,“Isherunninga

B&B,or—?”

“Hereheis!”Momcriesout,clappingherhandstogetherasthedoortotheporchswingsopenintothekitchen.

Themanwhostepsinsidehastostooptokeepfromsmackinghisheadonthedoorframe.He’sabsolutelyhuge—atleast6’5”,andbuiltlikeanox.Hisarmsandlegsarebulkywithmuscle,his

stancecombative.Hisfaceishalfwayhiddenbeneathathickbrownbeard,fleckedwithwhite.Hisdefinedbrowisdeeplycreased,andhisrestingexpressionisastandoffishscowl.ButthesecondheseesthefourPorterwomanstandingaroundthekitchen,hiseyescrinkleintoabenevolent,ifreserved,smile.

“Thewholebroodisfinally

here,”saystheenormousman,shuckingoffhisgreenbaseballcapnowthathe’sinside.

“Yep!”myMomchirpshappily,“Maddie,thisisJohn.John,Maddie.”

“Nicetomeetyou,Maddie,”hesays,extendinghisfreehandtome.

“Andyou,”Ioffer,asJohn’splowshareofahandswallows

minewhole.“It’sapleasureIwasn’texpecting.Iactuallydidn’trealizetherewouldbeanyonebutusPorterladieshere.”

Johnletsmyhanddrop,glancingbackatmymother.“Didn’tyoutellthem?”heasks.

“IcouldhaveswornImentionedit…”Momdrawls,herfreckledforehead

furrowingslightly.“Atleast,Imeantto.”

“It’stotallycool,”Igoon,“Ijustdidn’trealize,isall.Mom’sneverbeenahugesticklerfordetails.”

“That’sourRobinforyou,”Johnsayswithashortlaugh,lookingwarmlyatmymom.Shegiveshimalittlebumpwithherhip,cluckinghertongueathim.Iglanceatmy

sisterswithraisedeyebrows,buttheydon’tlookassurprisedasIfeel.WhydoIgetthesensethatI’mstilllackingsomeinformationhere?

“So.Howdidthishousesharingarrangementcomeabout?”Iask,asmymomgoestothefridgeandproducesapitcheroflemonade.

“Well,”Johnsays,sittingdownatthelongkitchentableandkickingoffhisboots,“YourmomandIgowayback.Webothgrewuphere,youknow.Wentallthewaythroughhighschooltogetherbeforeshepissedofftothebigcity.”

“Ihardlycallgoingtoartschool‘pissingoff’,butthat’sthegistofit,”Momlaughsairily,settingthepitcher

downbeforeJohn,whohelpshimselftoaglass.“WhenIdecidedtocomebackhereandgetintouchwithmyroots,JohnwasoneofthefirstpeopleIreachedoutto.He’soneofmyoldest,bestfriends.”

“That’sonewaytoputit,”Johncutsin,wipinghismouthwiththebackofhishand.“Totellyouthetruth,yourmomherewasmyOne

WhoGotAway.”

“Huh,”Isayflatly,asSophietriesnottolaughatmysurprise,“That’s…interesting.Andnowyou’re,uh,rentingoutpartofthishousetoher?Tous?”

“Renting?”Johnsays,lookingalmostoffended,“I’dnevertakemoneyfromafriend.Especiallynotthis

one.Yourmother’sbeenstayinghereatthehouseasmyguest.Andnowyougirlsare,too.”

Thereitis.Thelittlepieceofinformationthatchangestheentirenatureofthisgetaway—theless-than-pleasantsurpriseIknewwouldbewaitinginstoreforme,courtesyofmymother.Shehasn’tjustbeenvisitingherhometownthesepastfew

months—she’sbeenlivingherewithanenigmaticmountainman,whoseemstohavequitethethingforher.Andfromthewayshe’sbeamingathimacrossthekitchentable,Icanonlyassumethefeelingismutual.

“There’sonelastfreebedroomwaitingforyouupstairs,”Momtellsme,completelyoblivioustomydispleasurewithher.

“BetweenyoursistersandJohn’sboys,we’reatfullcapacitynow!”

“Oh…Youhavekids,too?”IaskJohn,tryingtokeepupwithallthenewdevelopmentsgoingofflikefirecrackersaroundme.Ontopofeverythingelse,therearegoingtobeabunchofrugratsunderfoot?

“Yeah,”Johnsays,heavinga

deepsighashesettlesbackinhischair,“They’reallaroundheresomewhere.Couldneverkeeptrackof‘em,tobeperfectlyhonest.”

“Right,”Ismileweakly,tryingtokeepcalm,“I,uh…I’mjustgonnastepoutbackandgetsomeair,OK?Seetherestoftheproperty.”

“Takeyourtime!”mymomsayscheerfully,“You’reon

vacation,afterall.Relax.I’llgetstartedondinnerinabit.”

“Thanksfortheheadsup,”IhissatSophieasIpassheronthewaytothebackdoor.

“Yougotasmuchwarningasanyofus,”shereplies,followingmeoutside.Anna’salreadydisappearedsomewhere,asshealwaysdoes.

Ishutthepatiodoortightly

behindmeandshoveahandthroughmydarkblondehair.

“Whatthehellisgoingon?”Iwhisper,glancingbackatMomandJohnmooningovereachotheratthekitchentable.

“Mom’shavingalittleloveaffair,Iguess,”Sophieshrugs,“Ididn’tparticularlylikefindingoutthisway,but—”

“Withhim?!”Icutheroff,“Imean,lookathim!He’slike,alumberjackorsomething.He’snothertypeatall.”

“He’sacontractor,notalumberjack,”Sophiecorrectsme,“Andwedon’tknowwhathertypeis,ifshehasone.WeonlyeversawherwithDad.”

“Exactly,”Ireplyfiercely,feelingsuddenlycloseto

tears,“ShelovedDadmorethananything.Smart,funny,put-togetherDad.Thisguyisnothinglikehim.”

“Maybethat’spartoftheappeal,”Sophiesays,walkingaheadofmedownthepatiostepsthatleadtowardthelake.“MomobviouslycamebackheretotakehermindofflosingDad.Itmakessensethatshe’sdrawntosomeonetotallyunlikehim.”

“Howcanyoubesocalmaboutthis?!”Iexclaim,catchingherslenderwristinmyhandandturningheraroundtofaceme.“Dadjustdied,Sophie.Thisis—”

“Daddiedthreeyearsago,”shesaysfirmly,dolingoutthetoughloveIalwaysneedandneverwantfromher.“WeneedtosupportMomintryingtomoveon.Weneedtotryandmoveonourselves

too,Maddie.Especiallyyou.”

“It’snotlikeIhaven’tbeentrying,”Isaysoftly,myvoicecrackingwithemotion.Ifeelthefightgooutofmeasangergiveswaytoupset.Fat,saltytearsstarttorolldownmycheeks,andIfeelSophie’sarmsencloseme.

“Heynow,”shesays,hervoicewarmandsoothing,“Iknowyou’vebeentrying.I

know.Justbreathe,Maddie.”

“God,Imisshim,”Iwhisper,lettingmyheadrestonmylittlesister’sshoulder.

“Wealldo,”shesays,brushingthehairawayfrommyface.“Andweprobablyalwayswill.Butwe’vestillgottotryourbesttobehappy,right?”

“Whendidyougetallrationalandwiseandshit?”I

askher,laughingthroughtears.

“Dramaschoolisbasicallyonecarefullycontrollednervousbreakdown,”shesays,matter-of-factly,“I’veworkedthroughalotofshit.Youshouldtrytakingaclownclass—itdoeswondersforyourworldview.”

“Ihavenoideawhetheryou’rejokingornot,”Isay,

shakingmyhead.

“Meeither,”shesmiles,brushingatearoffmycheek.“Nowpullyourselftogether.Ithinkwehavecompany.”

Myearsperkupasthesoundofarevvingenginefloatsacrossthelawn.SophieandIlookovertowardawidepathleadingoffintothewoods—thesoundseemstobecomingfromoverthere.As

wewatch,acloudofduststartsadvancingonusfromafar,atthecenterofwhichisablackATV.

“Betthat’soneofJohn’sboys,”Sophiesays,narrowinghereyes.

“That’shardlyaboy,”Ipointout.I’dbeenassumingthathissonswouldbekidsforsomereason,butthepersonatopthatgrowlingmachineis

agrownman.Andthathardlyputsmeatease.“Haveyoumetthemyet?”

“No,”shesays,rollinghereyes,“Iguesstheydon’tcaremuchforthecompanyofwomen.They’vebeenmakingthemselvesscarcesinceIgothereyesterday.Thisoneshowedupjustbeforeyou,hoppedonanATV,andtookoffintothewoods.”

“Charming,”Imutter,crossingmyarmsastheATVroarsourway.

“Hedoesn’tseemtobeslowingdown…”IhearAnnasayfromovermyshoulder.Ijumpathersuddenappearancebehindme.

“Weneedtogetyouacowbellorsomething,”Itellher,watchingastheloudmachinecomeschargingout

ofthewoods,headedourway.

“Ishegoingtostop?”Sophieasks,backingawayastheATVbearsdown.

“Ihavenoidea,”Ireply,grabbingAnna’shandandyankingheroutofitspath.Shemaybealegaladult,butI’llneverstopthinkingofherasakidIneedtoprotect.

Thethreeofusletouthigh-

pitchedshrieksasthevehicleturnssharplyinourdirection.Itskidsoutinacleararc,tearingupthecultivatedgrassinitswake,sendingpebblesanddirtflyingatusaswecoverourfaces.Iglareupheatedlyastheenginecutsout,displacedbitsoflawnsettlingallaroundus.

“Whatthehellwasthat!”Icryoutasthetoweringfigureswingshimselfdownfrom

theATV.“LastIchecked,runningoveryourhouseguestsisn’texactlygoodmanners.”

John’ssonturnshishelmetedfaceinmydirection,thoughIcan’tseehiseyesthroughthevisor.He’snearlyastallashisdad,andwearsasimpleblackteeshirtwithdarkjeans.Foralongmoment,hestandsperfectlystill,juststaringatme.Whatisthis,

somekindofintimidationtechnique?Tryingtoshowmewho’sbossaroundhere?Iliftmychindefiantly,unwillingtogiveanyground.Heraiseshisarmstoliftoffthehelmet…andit’sonlythenthatInoticehisfullsleeveoftattoos.BeforeIcanprocessanotherthought,heremovesthehelmetandshakesouthisdarkcurlyhair,backlitbythecrystalblue

lake.Hisunmistakablehazeleyesboremercilesslyintomine.

“Youwannatalkaboutmanners?”Cashgrowlsatme,hisgorgeousfeatureshardandunreadable.

“Ohshit,”Iwhisper,feelingthebreathrushoutofmylungs.JustwhenIthoughtthisvacationcouldn’tgetanymoretwisted…

ChapterFour

IgapeupintoCashHawthorne’sstonyface,attemptingtowrapmymindaroundwhatthefuck,exactly,ishappeninghere.

“What…Howare

you…What?”Istammer,asthefigmentfromlastnight’ssalaciousdreamtakesaswingingstepmyway.

“Didn’tmeantospookyou,”hesays,lipstwistingintoanunconvincingsmile.“Youcitygirlsareawfullyjumpy.”

“Andyoucountryboysarehardtotrackdown,”Sophiesaysfromovermyshoulder,“WhichofJohn’sboysare

you?”

“I’mCash,”hereplies,hishardeyesstilltrainedonme.

“I’mSophia,”shetellshimflatly,“Thedoe-eyedoneisAnnabel.Andtheshortonerightthereis—”

“Madeleine,”Isaysoftly,holdingoutmyhandforCashtoshake.I’membarrassedtoseethatit’strembling,“MadeleinePorter”.

Cashglancesdownatmyhand,thenbackupatmyface,hiswrysmileunflinching.EvenI’mbaffledbymyoutstretchedhand—pretendingnottoknowhimwasmyfirstinstinct.ButdidIjustdosomethingegregiouslywrong?

“Right,”Cashsays,ignoringmyhandcompletely.

“Let’s…goseeifMomneeds

anyhelpinthekitchen,”Annasuggests,loopingherarmthroughSophie’s.

“Godyes,”Sophiemutters,turningtogo,“Hell,wecoulduseaknifetocutthroughallthismaleegoclogginguptheair.”

Mylittlesistershurrybackintothehouse,leavingmesquaredoffagainstCash,themanIspentlastnightfucking

everywhichway.Themanwhoalsohappenstobethesonofmymom’sone-time—andlikelypresent-day—fling.ThemanwhoiscurrentlylookingatmeinsuchawaythattellsmeIseriouslymissedthemarkwithmymorning-afteretiquette.

“IthinkIneedtositdown…”Isayquietly,feelingmykneesturntowater.

“Suityourself,”Cashshrugs,shakingouthissweat-slickedcurls.“You’reourhouseguest.Apparently.”

“Thisisyourhouse…”Iecho,tryingtomakeanyofthissinkin.“Butthenwhat…whatwereyoudoingatthatbarlastnight?Ifyoulivehere,Imean?”

“Idon’tlivehere,”Cashsaysimpatiently.

“Butyoujustsaid—“

“MydadaskedmybrothersandItocomeouthereforacoupleofweeks.Bitofmalebondingorsomeshit,”hecutsmeoff,“IwasonmywayherewhenIstoppedforadrink.Sameasyou,Iimagine.”

“So…Didknowanythingaboutthis?”Iaskhim,sinkingdownontotheporch

steps.“Aboutusbeinghere?Aboutme—?”

“Whatdoyouthink?”Cashshootsback.

“Idon’tknowwhatIthink,that’swhyI’maskingyou,”Ireplytersely,“Couldyoudroptheassholeactandtalktome?”

“Whatact?”helaughsshortly,settinghishelmetdownontheseatoftheATV,

“Thisisjustme,babe.Don’tknowwhattotellyou.”

“Youcantellmewhyyou’reactinglikeajerkallofasudden,”Isay,wrappingmyarmsaroundmyknees.“I’msorryifIdidn’thandlethismorningwell.YouknowIdon’thavemuchexperiencewiththewhole—”

“Ihonestlycouldn’tcareless,”hesaysevenly.Idon’t

knowhimnearlywellenoughtotellifhe’slyingtome.“Buthey,let’smaybenotmentionthefactthatwefuckedlikeanimalsalllastnightaroundourfamilies,yeah?Mightmakethemalittleuncomfortable.”

Istareupathim,mindreelingalongwithmyheart.“So,what…You’resayingwejustforgetiteverhappened?Pretendwe’venevermet?”

“Isn’tthatwhatyouwant?”heasks,eyeshardonmyface,“Imean,wasn’tthattheplanwhenyouleftthismorning?”

Ibitemylip,willingmyselfnottostartcryingagain.TheonlyreasonIleftwithoutsayinggoodbye,wasthatIdidn’twanttogetmyhopesupofsomethingmorewithCash.Ididn’twanttoruinwhathappenedbetweenusby

makinganassofmyselfthenextmorning.Butwouldyoulookatthat?Iseemtohavedoneitanyway.

“I’mreallysorry,Cash,”Isayimploringly,“Please,letmeexplain.Idon’twantyoutohateme—”

“Maddie,fortheloveofChrist,don’tturnthisintoafuckingsoapopera.Idon’thateyou,”hesnaps,

exasperated,“Itoldyou.Idon’tcare.Justdropit,OK?”

Iholdmytongue,tryingtoseepastthesteelymaskofindifferencehe’swearing.Wemaynotknoweachotherverywell,butthisisn’tthemanIspentalloflastnightwith.He’sicingmeout.HethinksIbailedthismorningbecauseIwasn’tintoit,andhedoesn’twanttolookbad.Whatwehavehere,asthe

moviessay,isabigol’failuretocommunicate.Butsomethingtellsmethatcommunicationisn’tgoingtobeCashHawthorne’sstrongsuit.

“Goddammit,Cash!”Johnroarsfromthekitchendoorway.Ispinaroundtoseehimtoweringaboveusonthepatio,fistsclenched.

“HeyPop,”Cashnods,

producingapackofcigarettesfromhisbackpocket.

“Don’t‘heyPop’me,”Johngrowls,“Whatthehelldidyoudotomyfuckinglawn?”

CashglancesbackatthesemicircularskidmarkstheATVcutthroughthegrass.“Ohyeah.You’reright,”hesays,lightingupasmoke.Itrynottofixateonhislipsastheycradlehisfreshcigarette.

“Fixit,”Johnsnaps,“Andputthatfuckingthingout.Thathabitwillkillyouoneday.”

“What?”Cashreplies,feigningamazement,“Smokingisbadforyou?!”

“Maddie,”Johnsaystome,forcingadeepbreathintohislungs,“Ican’tslughimwithouthavingtofootthebillforadecadeoftherapy.Youdoitforme,OK?”

“Littlelateforthat,”Cashmuttersunderhisbreath,takingalongdragonhiscigarette.

Forasecond,Johnfixesalookofpurerageonhisoldestson.Mybodygoesstiffwithapprehension,andIhalfwayexpectJohntolaunchhimselfoffthepatioandrightatCash’sform.Butthankfully,theeldestHawthornemanagestotakea

breath,turnsonhisheel,andmarchesaway.BeforeIcansayanotherword,CashhopsbackontheATVandracesintheotherdirection,towardthegarage—cigarettestillheldbetweenhislips.I,formypart,standrootedtotheground,lookingplaintivelyafterhimashegoes.

“Well,”Imutter,eyeingthedeeptirerutsleftinthefresh-cutgrass,“Itwouldn’tbea

Porterfamilyvacationifitwasn’ttotallyfucked.”

Ispendtherestoftheeveningintentlychoppingupvegetablesandherbsfordinner,tryingmydamnedesttogetaholdofmyrunawaymind.Ofallthemenintheworld,Ihadtohavemyfirstonenightstand—andbestsexofmylife,Imayadd—with

thesonofmymom’snew“manfriend”?Whatarethechances,even—abajilliontoone?Now,IgettospendthenexttwoweeksunderCash’switheringgaze,pretendingitdoesn’thurtlikehellthathe’sactinglikewe’restrangers.Iknowweonlygottospendonenighttogether,buthedoesn’tfeellikeastrangertome.IfeltmoreconnectedtoandengagedwithhimthanI

havewithanyoneinyears.Thatcan’tjustmeannothing,canit?

MaybeifI’djusttoldhimallthat,insteadofleavinghimanotelikeanasshole,wewouldn’tbeinthispredicament.Ofcourse,there’sthewholeweirdnessofourparentsmaybebeinganitem,butIhonestlydon’tbuythatmymomcanstayinterestedinthisnewguyfor

morethanacoupleweeks.Tops.Bythetimewe’rereadytohittheroad,she’llhavemovedontohernextflightoffancy.That’salwaysbeenherway.

“Maddie,”mymomtrills,liftingahugetrayofbakedpotatoesfromtheoven,“Whydon’tyougorounduptheboys?Everything’llbereadyinasec.”

Iletthekitchenknifegoclatteringtothefloor,lookingupatherwithstartledeyes.

“Oh.Idon’t.Imean—”Istammer,“Idon’treallyknowwheretheyare…”

“Ithinkthey’redownbythelake,”Annareplies,droppingadozengoldendinnerrollsintoabasket.

“What,doyouneedachaperonetofacethebigbad

boys?”Sophieteasesme,sippingaglassofMerlotatthetable,“Comeon.I’llgowithyou.”

IgiveinandtrailSophieoutthedoor.Imayaswellacceptthefactthatthisweekisgoingtobeawkwardashell.Nousefightingit.

“Istillhaven'tmettheyoungerguys,”Sophiesaysoverhershoulder,traipsing

downtowardthedockinherbarefeet.“They’vebeenmakingthemselvesprettydamnscarce.NotthatIhavehighhopes,havingmetCash.”

“Yeah,”Ilaughnervously,crossingmyarms,“Heseemslikekindofadick,right?”

“Totaldick.Prettyhotthough,”sherepliescasually.

“S-sorry?”Isputter.

“What?Heis,”shereplies,“Didyouseethosetattoos?Andthathair?Godlord.It’slikeifJonSnowandThorhadasupersexy,tatted-uplovechild.Notsurehowthatwouldworkbiologically,but—”

“Imean,yeah,he’sprettyattractive…”Iallow,“ButImean,he’skindofoff-limits,right?Alltheboysare.WhatwithMomandJohn’shistory

andeverything?”

“Whoa,whoa.Iwasn’tplanningonjumpinghimoranything,Maddie,”Sophielaughs,“Unlessyouthinkhe’dbeintoit,thatis.”

Ibitemytongue,feelingmyheartclenchpainfullyinmychest.There’snodenyingthatSophieistherealbeautyofthefamily.Withherlong,wavyhair,bigblueeyes,and

slender,gracefulframe,she’severybittheconventionalknockout.Whenwewereinhighschooltogether,IhadfellowseniorguysaskingmetosetthemupwithSophie,thenafreshman.She’snevergivenherbeautyasecondthought,ormademefeelinferioronpurpose,butshe’salsoneverfailedtogetanyguyshewanted.SoifsheturnshersightsonCash…

“Christ,Maddie.I’mkidding,”Sophiegoeson,aswedrawupbeforethedock.

“Oh.Right,”Ireplyflatly.“Iknewthat.”

“WeneedtogetyoudrunkASAPtonight,”Sophielaughs,“Theratraceisturningyouintosomethingofadowner,mydear.”

Iputonmybestattemptatacasualexpressionandfollow

Sophietowardtheendoftheplatform,whereabroadshoulderedyoungmanIhaveyettomeetstandslookingoutacrossthelake.Thismustbeanotheroftheguyswe’resupposedtoberoundingup,thoughtheothertwoHawthornebrothersarenowheretobeseen.

“Heythere,”Sophiecallstohim.

Buthedoesn’tacknowledgethegreeting.

“Maybehedidn’thearyou?”Iwhisper,stoppingshort.

Sophienarrowshereyesatthebuiltyoungmanstandingbeforeusandmarchesonahead.“Hey,”shesays,tappingtheguyonhiscutshoulder,“What’sup?”

Heshrugsoffherhandandraisesitinagesturethat

clearlysays,“Shutup.”Sophie’sfacegoesredwithembarrassmentandanger,butitsoonbecomesclearwhathe’sfocusingsointentlyoninsteadofher.

Straightaheadofus,twosveltebodieschurnandchopthewaterastheyracetothedock.Powerful,preciselimbspropelthemforwardtowardus.Theirpaceismatched,andthetwoareneckand

neckastheyapproach.SophieandIleapbackastheybarreltowardthedock,sendingasoakingsprayoflakewaterourway.Aswelookon,Cashandanotherofhisbrothersgrabholdofthewoodenplatformandhoistthemselvesupoutofthewater,andIforonefeelasifI’mbeingsweptaway.

WatercoursesinrivuletsoverCash’simpeccablymuscled

body,andIcan’ttearmygazeaway.Ashestraightensup,Irunmyeyesalonghiscuttorso,downtowherehisswimtrunksrestdangerouslylowonhiswaist.Mycoretwistswithlongingasherunsahandthroughhissoakingwethair,eachmuscleripplingwiththesmallestofmotions.

AndI’mnottheonlyonestaring,either.

Sophiehasgonestockstillbesideme,hereyeshardandfastnotonCash,butonthebrotherheemergedfromthewaterbeside.Thecolorhasgonecompletelyoutofhercheeks,andmynormallyebullientsisterissuddenlysilent.What’sthatabout?

“Well?Whohadthebesttime,Finn?”Cashdemandsofthebrotherwefirstencounteredonthedock.

“Couldn’ttell,lostcount.Butitlookedlikeatie,”Finnreplies.

“Nosuchthing,”scoffsthebrotherSophie’sgothereyestrainedon.“Doover.”

“Maybetomorrow,Luke.Ifyou’reareallygoodboy,”Cashlaughs,reachingforthepackofcigaretteswaitingforhimonthedock.Turning,hecatchessightofSophieand

I…anddoesn’tevenblink.

“What’reyou,afraidtolosetoyourlittlebrother?”theothermanreturns,thoughhecertainlydoesn’tlooklittletome.He’satleastastallasCash,thoughmoreclean-cut—withonlyacoupleoftattoosandclose-croppeddarkhair.

“Nah.We’vejustgotguests,”Cashreplies,practically

spittingthelastwordashewhipsoutandlightsacigarette.

TheothertwoHawthornebrotherslookup,asifnoticingusforthefirsttime.TheonecalledLukebarelygivesmeasecondglance,buthecatchesSophie’seyeatonce.Aflickerofsomethinglikecuriositypassesthroughhisdeepbrowneyes,thoughitpassessoonenough.The

thirdbrother,wholookstobetheyoungest,can’tevenbebotheredtoacknowledgeourpresence.

Lookslikequestionablefirstimpressionsruninthefamily.

“Whatcanwedoforyougirls?”Cashasks,takingalongdragofhiscigarette.He’sdoingaparodyofbeingcordial,andit’sgettingonmylastnerve.

“Dinner’sready,”Iinformhim,“Momsentusdowntogetyou.”

“Wedon’treallydofamilydinnersaroundhere,”Cashgoeson,condescendingly.

“We’remoreofapizzaandbeerfamily,ourselves,”Lukeputsin.

IwaitforSophietomakesomekindofsnappycomeback,asshealways

does…butthecathasyettoreleasehertongue.Idrawmyselfuptomyfullheight—which,granted,isn’tmuch—andtrytosoundassertive.

“Well,we’renotdoingthingsyourwaytonight,”Itellthetrioofstrappingyoungbucksstandingbeforeme,“We’vegoneoutofourwaytomakeameal,andyouthreearegoingtojoinus.Soundgood?”

“Christ,”theyoungestbrotherspeaksatlast,tossinghissweepofashbrownhairawayfromhiseyes,“Ididn’tknowweweregonnagetthefullJuneCleavertreatment.”

“Don’tbeanass,Finn,”Lukesnaps.Apparently,he’sthemoralcompassofthislittletribe.“Comeon.I’mnotgoingtocomplainaboutahomecookedmealforonce.”

Hestridespastustowardthehouse,andSophiegoeswelloutofherwaytoavoidhisgazebeforefollowing.Finnshrugsandfollowssuit—Igetthefeelingthathe’smoreofanihilistthananasshole.ThatjustleavesmeandCash,aloneagain.Iwatchashenurseshiscigarette,innohurrytomove.

“Youcoming?”Iaskhim,watchinghisfulllipsclose

aroundthefilterofhiscig.

“Inaminute,”hesays,lookingoutacrossthelake.

“Yourbrothersseem…Uh…Charming,”Ioffer,notveryconvincingly,“Ididn’tknowyouweretheoldest.Iguesswehavethatincommon,huh?”

“Youdidn’treallystickaroundlongenoughtofindout,didyou?”Cashreplies.

Clearly,he’snevergoingtoletmelivedownmyexitthismorning.ButinsteadofgushingabouthowsorryIam,Idecidetogivehimatasteofhisownmedicine.

“Yeah,”Idrawl,droppingmyvoiceanoctaveandgivinganexaggeratedshrug,“Mypolicyhasalwaysbeenhit‘emandquit‘em.Yougetme,bro?”

“…What?”Cashrepliesflatly,raisinganeyebrow.

“Youknow,man,”Igoon,“Can’tbelettin’bitchesgetallattachedandshit.I’mnotaone-mankindofgirl,youfeelme?”

ThecornerofCash’smouthliftseversoslightlyasmybroimpressionpicksupsteam.It’satinycrackinhisarmor,aslightwarmingof

hisoh-so-coldshouldertreatment.

“Shitthough,”Igoon,“Ilandedmeonesweetpieceofasslastnight.IfIwasn’tatotalidiot,Iwouldhaveboughtthatboybreakfastinthemorning…Maybelethimknowthathewasrightaboutmewantingmorethanonenight.”

“Isthatso?”Cashreplies,his

voicelowandrasping.

“Itis,”Itellhim,myactevaporatingatonce.

“Well,”hegoeson,thatcrookedsmilewideningever-so-slightly.“That’sgoodtoknow.”

Iholdmybreathashetakesasteptowardme,flickinghiscigaretteintothelake.Heclosesthespacebetweenus,catchingmychininhishand.

We’rehiddenfromsightbythegatheringtwilight,andIfeelmykneesstartgoweakwithanticipation.

“Yourealize,though…”hegrowls,asIletmyhandsfallonhiswater-slickedchest,“Thatifanythingelsehappensbetweenus,youstillwon’thavehadaonenightstand?”

“IthinkIcanlivewiththat,”

Iwhisper,tiltingmyfacetowardhis.

Hishandsslidedownmyback,tuggingmehardagainsthisbody.Everyinchofmethat’spressedtohimisscreamingwithdelight,bothpresentandremembered.

“Well…We’lljusthavetoseewhathappens,then,”hemurmurs,slidinghishandsdownovertheriseofmyass.

Hislipsbrushagainstmyneck,sendingashudderdownmyspine—

“Maddie!Cash!”IhearSophiecallfromthedeck,hervoicehighandstrangled,“Comeonalready!It’stimetoeat.”

ItakeastumblingleapawayfromCashashelooksoninamusement.

“Coming!”Icryout,

scramblingupthedock.

“Already?”Cashteases,“Ibarelyeventouchedyou.”

Iletmyselflaughathiscrudejoke,gladthattheremightbehopeforourrelationshipyet—whateverthehellthatrelationshipmaybe.

“Youhavetoadmit,”hegoeson,throwingabrotherlyarmovermyshouldersaswetrudgetowardthehouse,

“Thiswholethingisprettyfuckinghilarious.”

“Ohyeah,”Idrawl,rollingmyeyes,“It’sareallaughriot.”

ChapterFive

AsalleightPortersandHawthornessettledownaroundthedinnertable,Idon’tthinkanyoneisoblivioustohowbizarreourlittlegatheringis.Anyone,

thatis,besidesmymother—whoservesoutgeneroushelpingstoeveryonewithacontentedsmileonherface.RobinPorteristheepitomeofadaptable.Iswear,shecouldgetcomfyinanudistcolony,cultishcommune,orpost-apocalyptichellscapeifshehadto.She’sawomanwhoknowshowtogowiththeflow,evenifeveryonearoundherisflailinginthecurrent.

“Sonicetohaveeveryonehereatlast,”shebeamsaroundthetable.“Haveallyoukidsgottentoknoweachotherbynow?”

“Moreorless,”Cashgrins,lettinghiskneebrushagainstmineunderthetable.Iswallowhard,tryingtoignorethejoltofsensationthateventhislittlecontactsendsthroughme.CashandIhavegottentoknoweachother,all

right.Atleastinthebiblicalsense.WhatwouldtherestofthisbizarroBradyBunchthink,iftheyknewthetruthaboutus?

“Gladyoukidsareallacquainted,”Johngrumbles,diggingintohisheapingplatefulofmeatandpotatoes.

“Yourdadisamanoffewwords,”Robinlaughs,lookingfondlyoveratJohn,

“Areallyouboysthestrongandsilenttypesaswell?”

IrememberthewayCashpickedmeupinhisarmsasifitwerenothing,lastnight.Flippingmeover,takingmefrombehind—

“Idon’tknowifI’dputitthatway,”Lukechuckles,“Weallhavemorethanourfairshareofdifferences.”

“Soundslikemygirls,too,”

Robinnods,“Annabeltakesafterme,withherphotographyandall.Maddie’sourlittleworkinggirloverinSeattle.AndSophia’sstudyingdramaanddanceatSheridanUniversity.”

“Yeah,Iknow,”Lukereplies,asSophiepromptlychokesonherthirdglassofwine.Orisitherfourth?I’velostcount.

“Youknowwhat,dear?”MomasksLuke.

“LukehereisaSheridanboytoo,”Johnsaysproudly,“Finishedundergradjustlastyear,andhe’salreadybacktherenowforhisbusinessdegree.Theycan’tgetridofhim!”

“Yep.Luke’sourcollegeboy,”Cashsays,none-too-sweetly.“Theonlycollege

boyamongtheHawthornes,actually.”

“Iwouldhavebeenmorethanhappytosendyoutocollegetoo,”Johnsaysgruffly,shootingCashalook,“Youknowthatfullwell.”

“IfIhadn’tbeenwastingmytimefightingawarandall?”Cashshootsback.

“You’reinthemilitary?”Annaasks,speakingupfrom

herplacenexttoFinn.

“Hewas,”Finnreplies,rippingadinnerrollintwo.

Along,heavymomentofsilenceswellsup,enclosingusall.AllfouroftheHawthornemenretreatintothemselves,leavingusPorterwomenataloss.Sincenooneelseisgoingto,Itrymybesttodispeltheawkwardness.

“So,youandSophieareat

thesameschool?”IsaytoLuke.“I’msureundergradsandgraduatestudentsdon’tseemuchofeachother,though.”

“Oh,IthinkSophieandIhaveseeneachotheraroundschoolonceortwice,”Lukesayscasually,helpingmesteertheconversationbacktowardcivility.

ThatexplainswhySophiehas

beenactingsostrangelyaroundLuke.Runningintoaschoolmateinsuchtightquarterswouldbeprettyawkward.Ifeelherpain,thoughIthinkCashandIstillhavetherecordforstrangestoriginstorysofar.

“Sophie,youdidn’ttellmeyouknewLuke!”Momgushes.

“Well,Ididn’texactlyknow

wewerefamilyfriends.OrthatI’dbeseeinghim—them—here,didI”Sophierepliesshortly,facehalfwayhiddenbehindherglass.“Besides,Idon'tknowhim.Wejustgotothesameschool.Withthousandsofotherpeople.It’snotthesamething.”

“IguessSheridanisamuchbiggerschoolthantheonemeandJohnmetin,”Momlaughs,cluelessabout

Sophie’sdiscomfort.“LittleFlatheadCountyHighwasnotexactlyahoppingplace.Whatdidwehave,ahundredkidsperclass?”

“Westillhadourfunthough,didn’twe?”JohnsmilesbroadlyatMom.

“Wesuredid,”Momgigglessuggestively.

Thesixofusadultchildrentradeuncomfortableglances

acrossthetable.We’vebeenskirtingthesubjectofourparents’relationship,butourquestionscan’tbeputoffanylonger.

“So,what,youtwodatedinhighschoolorsomething?”Annaasks.

“Orsomething…”Johnrepliesvaguely.

“Actually,”Momgoesonconspiratorially,“JohnandI

wereengaged.”

SixheadswhiparoundthefacetheeldestPorterandHawthorne.

“Well,that’saconversationwehaven’thad,”Isaytersely.

“Youwereengaged?”Sophieexclaims,jawhangingopen,“What…When?!”

“Allthroughsenioryearof

highschool,”Momsays,somewhatwistfully.

“ButIcouldn’tkeepthisonepinneddowninPodunk,Montana,”Johnputsin,withalingeringedgetohisvoice.

“Myscholarshiptoartschoolcamethrough,andIcouldn’tpassitup,”Momsighs,“Besides,weweresoyoung…”

“Isn’tartschoolwhereyou

metDad?”Annaaskspointedly.

“Itis,”Momreplies,herbenignsmilefalteringforthefirsttimeasDadisinvoked.

“Soifthatscholarshiphadn’tcomethrough,youwouldhavestayedhereandmarriedJohn…”Annadriveson,herimaginationreeling.Therestofusreturnhastilytoourplatesoffood,feelingnone-

too-comfortableaboutthislineofquestioning.

“Thatwastheplan,”Johnsayswithatightsmile.

“Soifyouthinkaboutit,”Annacontinues,lookingbackatforthbetweenJohnandourmother,“Johnissortof,like,ouralmost-dad.”

InearlyspitoutmymouthfulofwineatAnna’sassessment.God,whenyouputitlike

that,mydalliancewithCashsuddenlysoundswayweirderthanithasanyreasonto.Ifourparentswereengagedonce,thenwhatdoesthatmakeustoeachother?AndwhydoIsuddenlyhavetheincredibleurgetocrawlunderthekitchentableandneveremerge?

I’mcertainlynottheonlysiblingatthetablelookingalittlesqueamishatthislittle

revelation.SophieisstaringintentlyintoherwineglassasLukeshovelsfoodverydeliberatelyintohismouth.EvenCash’sfacehasgoneabitstony—maybewithtryingtofigureoutwhatthistwistmeansforthetwoofus.

“Almost-dad,”Momgigglesairily,“Whatathingtosay,Anna!You’vealwaysbeentheinventiveone.”

“She’sgotapointthough,”Johnshrugs,“There’snowayofknowingwhatmighthavebeen,ifonly…”

“Norealneedtowonderaboutwhatmighthavebeenthough,isthere?”Isnap,surprisingevenmyselfwithmyheatedtone,“Seeingaswehadadad,andall.Agreatdad.”

“Maddie,”Sophiemurmurs,

tryingtostaunchmyverbaltorrent.

“Hadadad?”Finnasksfromacrossthetable.

“Yeah.Had.Hedied,”Isayshortly,“ButIguesssomeoneforgottorelaythatinformation,too.”

Atensesilencecomesdownhardoverthetable,andIfeelCash’shazeleyesswingmyway.There’satingeof

somethinglikepityinhisgaze,andthatdoesmein.Allatonce,thesituationbecomestoomuchformetohandle.BetweentherevelationsaboutmymomandJohnHawthorne’spast,mygriefatseeingMomwithanothermanatall,andtheintenselyconfusingfeelingsI’mhavingforCash,IfeellikethewholeworldasIknowitisfallingawaybeneathme.

“Excuseme,”Imutter,pushingbackmychairandrisingshakilytomyfeet.“Ijust…Idon’tseemtohavemuchofanappetite.”

Iturnandhurryawaybeforeanyonecanseethetearswellingupinmyeyes.NoonesaysawordtostopmeasIdashthroughthehouseandoutthefrontdoor,dewygrassclingingtomyanklesasIbeatafastretreattomycar.I

plantmyhandsonthedriver’ssidedoor,steadyingmyselfagainsttheheavingsobsthatthreatentoovertakeme.

Mysuitcaseisstillwedgedinthebackseat.Icouldtakeoffnowandleavethisallbehindme,gobacktothelifeI’vecarvedoutformyselfinSeattle.Itmaybehectic,thankless,andmorethanabitlonely,butatleastthatlifeis

entirelyinmycontrol.Ifnothingelse,Iknowthatmyheartwillbesafethere.

ButhereamongtheHawthornemen?I’mnotsosure.

Beforemywilldesertsme,Igrabthehandleofthecardoor.ButbeforeIcanyankitopen,afirm,decisivehandlandsabovemine,keepingthedoorsealedshut.

“Maddie,wait,”Cashsaysurgently,steppingbetweenmeandmygetawaycar.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Iask,myhandsballingintoanxiousfists.

“I’mkeepingyoufromrunningaway,that’swhat,”hesays,layingthosestrong,steadyinghandsonmyshoulders.

“Getoutofmyway,Cash,”I

say,grittingmyteethtokeepfromcrying,“WhetherornotIrunawayismycall.Notyours.”

“Iknowthat,”hesaysfiercely,hiseyesfixedonmine,“Youhaveeveryrighttobefreakedoutaboutthiswholething.Fuck,youhaveeveryrighttobepissedashellatthewayitgotsprungonus.IknowIam.Ourparentsareacoupleofselfish

assholes.I’mguessingthisisn’tnewstoyou.”

“Sowhydon’tyouleave,too?”Iaskhim,desperateforsomeanswersthatwillsetthiswholethingstraight.“IthardlyseemslikeyouandJohnareenjoyingyourqualitytimetogether.”

“That’sfordamnsure,”Cashlaughsroughly,runninghishandsslowlydownmybare

arms.“Idon’tknowwhyIkeepgivinginandcomingbackhereatall.HeandIarenevergoingtogetalong.Trustme,ifthiswasanyotherHawthornefamilyreunion,I’dalreadybehittingtheroad.Butthisisn’tshapinguptobejustanyfamilyvacation,isit?”

“Whatareyousaying,Cash?”Idemand,goosebumpsspringingupalongmyskinas

hishandstracedownmyarms.

“IguessI’msayingthatIwantmorethanonenightwithyou,too,”hegrowls,takingmyhandsinhis.“I’msayingthatIdon’tgiveafuckaboutwhatelseisgoingoninthishouseaslongasyou’reinit.”

“Seriously?”Iask,withanervouslaugh,“You’renot

theleastbitweirdedoutaboutthefactthatourparents—?”

“Istoppedcaringaboutwhatmyfathersaysanddoesalongtimeago,”Cashcutsmeoff,“Hedoesn’tcontrolmeanymore,Maddie.Mylifeismyown.Sofuckno,I’mnotweirdedout.AndI’mnotgoingtoletanythinghedoesstandbetweenmeandwhatIwant.”

“Andwhatisityouwantnow?”Iask,myvoicebarelyaboveawhisper.

IgaspasCashcatchesmyfaceinhispowerfulhands,raisingittohis.Inanswer,hebringshismouthtomine,kissingmehardinthegatheringdarknessofthenight.Iletmymouthopentohisatonce,pressingmybodytohimasIfeelhistonguesweepagainstmine.We’ve

scarcelyknowneachotheraday,butmyeverynerveisalreadyhard-wiredtohim.Mybodycomesaliveasthetaste,thesmell,thefeelofhimenvelopsme.Ifeelmyselfawakeningwithanurgencythatonlyhecansetoff.

“Iwantyoutostay,Maddie,”hegrowls,circlingmywaistwithhisthicklymuscledarms.“Idon’twantyouto

disappearfrommylifejustlikethat.”

“ButCash…”Ibegin,headswimmingasIpeerupathiminthedark.

“Don’tworryabouttherestofthem,”hetellsmefiercely,brushingtheblondehairoutofmyface,“Justanswermehonestly:AmIsomeoneyouwanttoknowformorethanaday?”

“Ofcourseyouare,”Itellhimresolutely.

“Thendon’tgo.Notyet,”hesays,holdingmecloseasIrestmyhandsonhisfirmchest.“Stay,andletmemakeitworthyourwhile.”

Ipause,bitingmylip.AslongasIcanremember,I’veputmyfamily’sneedsanddesiresbeforemyown—especiallymymother’s.

Myinstinctasadaughteristogetoutofherway,letherhavethisaffairwithJohnHawthorne,evenifitonlylastsacoupleofweeks.Evenifitstandsbetweenmeandthemostengaging,sexy,fascinatingmanI’vemetinmylife.Butshe’saskedmeandmysistershereforareason.Iknowthatdeepdown,shewantstofindawaytohavearelationship.

AndifI’mhonest,Iwantthattoo.SoifIdostay,Iguesseverybodywins…

“Comeon,”Cashurges,asmallsmileliftingthecornerofhismouth,“RememberhowIfollowedthroughwiththelastpromiseImadeyou?”

Theimageofhimloweringhismouthtomyachingsexcomesroaringintomymemory.I’mgonnamakeyou

wishforawholelotmorethanonenight,he’dtoldme,beforeunleashingatorrentofunimaginablywildpleasureinsideofme.Ifeelmythighsclenchinvoluntarilyjustthinkingofit,andknowinthatmomentthatIcan’tdeprivemyselfofthismanjustyet.

“OK,”Iwhisper,circlingmyarmsaroundhisbuiltshoulders.“I’llstayherewith

you,Cash.ButI’mholdingyoutothatpromise.”

“You’dbetterholdontight,then,”hetellsme,grinwidening.

“Why?”Ireply,anticipatorybutterfliescareeningaroundmystomach,“Whathaveyougotinmindforme?”

“You’llsee…”hesays,grabbingholdofmyhips,“You’llsee.”Iletoutalaugh

ashespinsmearound,givesmeasmackontheass,andsays,“Nowmarch,soldier.”

“Yessir,”Ireplycoyly,relishingthewayhiseyesskirtdownmybodyasIwalkoutinfrontofhim.Iletmyhipsswayjustalittle,andhearCashgroaninresponse.

“Ifyou’renotcareful,I’mgonnahavetotackleyourighthereonthefrontlawn,”

hewarnsme,catchingup,“Whatwouldourdearparentsthinkaboutthat?”

“Domeafavor,Cash,”Ireplywithashudder,“Aslongaswe’rehere,don’trefertothemasourparents,allright?We’retoeingthecreepylineenoughasitis.”

“Fairenough,Porter”helaughs,scalingtheporchstepsintwoeffortlesslylong

strides,“Fairenough.”

ChapterSix

Overthenextfewdays,theunderlyingtensionsamongourmixed-familypartybegintodiedown.Oratleast,theydipbackbeneaththesurfaceforthetimebeing.Everyone

seemsabletorelaxintothespiritofvacation,spendingtheirdaysastheywishwhilegivingeachotherplentyofroom.Eachofusfallsintoourownroutine,comingtogethermaybeonceadaytocheckin.Thelesstimeweallspendinthesameroom,itseems,thebetterthingstendtogo.

Butthen,it’snotlikefamilialtensionisnewtoeitherofthe

presentfamilies.TherelationshipbetweenusPortergirlsandourmotherisrightfullystrained.Despiteherimaginativeandexpressivepersonality,hertendencytobeflighty,absent-minded,andself-absorbedhavemadeheralessthanidealmother,attimes.Iknowthatnoone’sperfect,andIdon’texpecthertobeeither.Buther

shortcomingshavestuntedherdaughters’abilitytotrustandrelyonher,especiallywhenwe’veneededitmost.IknowI’llkeeptryingmyentirelifetohavearelationshipwithher,butsofar,ithasn’tgottenanyeasier.

What’sinteresting,though,isthatthereseemstobeaverysimilarcoldnesstotheHawthorneboys’

relationshipswithJohn.Lukeseemsthemostdeterminedtokeepthingscivil,buthetreatshisdadwithmorerespectthanaffection.Finn,theyoungest,seemstohavepulledanAnnabelandfosteredaself-sufficiencythatmakesarelationshipwithhisdadallbutunnecessary.Ofallthreebrothers,Cashseemstobetheonewhobuttsheadswithhisdadthemost

fiercely.There’sabitternesstotheirfightingthattellsofdeep,unresolvedstrife.

ButseeingasCashHawthorneisn’texactlya“talkaboutyourfeelings”kindofguy,I’mprettyinthedarkabouthisfamily’spast.Idon’tknowanythingaboutthecircumstancesofhisenlistinginthearmy,orwhat’sbeneaththerivalryhehaswithLuke,orevenwhat

thestoryiswithhisabsentmother.MaybeI’llfindoutintime,thoughIgetthefeelingthatCash’semotionalsideisn’tgoingtobeaneasynuttocrack.

Despitehispersuasivepromisestomakestayinghereatthelakehouseworthmywhile,Cashplaysaverycoolgamewithmeasthefirstweekwearson.Thoughweseemedtoendupaloneat

everyturnthatfirstday,it’snotapatternthatholds.Sure,Iseeenoughofhim—Ijustneverquitecatchhimalone.Aroundthehouse,downbythelake,andevenonsomeexcursionsintothewoods,there’salwayssomeoneelsekeepingusfromgettingsomealonetime.Hedoesn’tseemtooperturbedbytheconstantcompany—Iwonderifhe’slettingmesquirmlikethison

purpose?Tryingtobuilduptheanticipationorsomething?

Whatevertheplanis,Ihopethisphaseofitisoversoon.Ican’tgomuchlongerwithoutanothertasteofhim.

Oneafternoonhalfwaythroughtheweek,IfindmyselfloungingonthedockwithAnnaandSophie,catchingsomemuch-needed

rays.Myoffice-boundbodyissuperpale,evencomparedtomysimilarlyfair-skinnedsisters.I’mrockingmyfavoritebikini—aredbandeautopwithmatchingbottoms—andhavemyhairpulledupintoawhitebandana,RosietheRiveterstyle.Sophie’swearingasuperskimpyblackbikiniandhugeJackieOsunglasses,herlongcaramelhairwoveninto

amermaidtailbraid.Anna’sclassicwhitehaltertopbathingsuitcomplementshernearlyplatinumlocks,whichhanglooseoverherfreckledshoulders.It’sarareeventindeedthatallthreePortersistersareinthesameplace(andgoodspirits)longenoughtohaveagoodoldfashionedgabsession,butthat’sexactlywhatwe’reuptonow.

“Igiveyoualotofcredit,”ItellAnna,lettingmytoesdangleinthecoollakewater,“Iwouldn’thavehadthewherewithaltotakeagapyearbeforecollegeatyourage.”

“Well,youknewwhatyouwantedtogotoschoolfor,”mylittlesistershrugs,lyingonherstomachbesideme,“I’mstillfeelingitout.”

“Ijustcouldn’twaittogetoutofthehouse,”Sophieputsin,“Don’tgetmewrong,IlovemyprogramatSheridan.Butmorethananything,gettingawayfromMomwasthepriority.”

“Yeah,well.ImaginebeingtheonlyoneinthehousewithherafterDaddied,”Annasayswithararehintofcondemnation.

SophieandIexchangeanuneasylook.AnnawasonlysixteenwhenDadwaskilled.WithmeawayatschoolalreadyandSophieonthecuspofleaving,AnnawasonherownwithMomintheaftermathoftheaccident.AsflakyanddistantasourMomwasatthebestoftimes,Anna’sexperiencewithherinthethroesofgriefwasonawholedifferentlevel.Inalot

ofways,ouryoungestsisterhadtofinishraisingherselfonherown.Anditshows,too.She’sfarmorematurethanSophieandIwereatherage…Orevennow,forthatmatter.

NowthatIthinkofit,IthinkthatAnna’seven-keelednatureisthetraitshemostclearlyinheritedfromourdad.ArchiePorterwasentirelyunflappable,utterly

dependable,andstraightforwardatalltimes.Heneverliedtous,evenwhenwewerelittlegirls.Irememberhimthatway—withhislean,long-limbedbody,sandyhair,andhornrimmedglasses—layinghishandsonmyshouldersandgivingittomestraight.Imayhavegottenhisloveofliteratureandlearning,butAnnabelabsolutelygothis

insistenceontellingthetruth—whetherornotanyonewantstohearit.

“So,uh…haveyougivenanythoughttohowyou’llspendtheyear?”IaskAnna,somewhatawkwardlychangingthesubject.

“Mostlyjustbuildingupmyphotographyportfolio,”shereplies,rollingontoherbackonthewarmdeckboards.“I

wanttogetsomemoreportraitsandeventphotography.”

“IcouldhireyouforthenextReImagedparty!”Iofferenthusiastically.It’snotoftenthatAnna’sworldandmineintersect,andIcan’thelpbutleapattheopportunity.

“Yeah,maybe,”sherepliesnoncommittally,puncturingthebubbleofmyexcitement,

“Iwasthinkingofheadinginalesscorporatedirection,though.Finn’slettingmetagalongtohisband’sshowtonighttotakesomeshotsofthem,actually.”

“Finn’sinaband?!”Sophieexclaims,sittingboltupright.

“Yeah.He’stheleadvocalist,”Annarepliesplacidly.

“ButI’vebarelyheardafull

sentenceoutofhim,”Isayincredulously.Ican’tdenythatIfeelalittlepangofjealousythatFinn’sworkismoreinterestingtoAnnathanmine.

“Yeah.Ididn'trealizehespokeinfullsentences,”Sophieadds.

“Maybethat’sbecauseneitherofyouletsanyoneelsegetawordin.Everthink

ofthat?”Annashootsback,thathintofheatrisingintoherusuallycoolvoiceoncemore.

“Whoa,Anna…”Sophiereplies,stung.“That’salittleharsh.”

“Yeah,well.Thetruthcanbeabitch,”Annashrugs,pullingherselftoherfeet.

“Didwedosomethingwrong?”Iaskmylittlesister

asshegathersherthings,“Youseemreallypissedoffatus.”

Annalevelshergold-fleckedeyesatme,withafranknessthatreachesdowntothecornersofmysoul.

“Ijustwishthetwoofyouwouldthinkaboutsomeonebesidesyourselvesonceinawhile,”shesays,swinginghergazebetweenmeand

Sophie.Shedoesn’tsoundangry,orevensad—justterriblydisappointed.It’sthesortoftonethatmakesyoufeelabouttwoinchestall,especiallywhenit’scomingfromsomeonewho’ssupposedtolookuptoyou.

“Anna,whatareyoutalkingabout?”Sophieasksher,lookingaswaryasIfeel.

“Comeon,”Annasays,

shakingherhead,“Youcan’tplaydumbwithme,youguys.Iknowyoutoowellforthat.”

Beforewecanutteranotherword,Annaturnsonherheelandmarchesaway.Asshegoes,aknotofuneasetwistsinmystomach.WhathaveIdonetomakehersoupset?Coulditbepossiblethatshe’ssomehowcaughtwindofwhat’sgoingonbetweenme

andCash?She’salwaysbeencrazyperceptive,andthatwouldcertainlyexplainherdisapprovalofme.ButthenwhatthehellcouldshehaveonSophie?

“Doyouhaveanyideawhatshe’sonabout?”IaskSophie,tryingtokeepmyvoicelight.

“Nope,”Sophiereplies,alittletooquickly.“Noidea.”

“Huh.YouknowAnna.Alwaysthesensitiveone,”Ioffer,convincingnoone.“Weshouldprobablyjustlethergooffanddoherownthing.Closequartersdoweirdthingstopeople…”

SophieandIfallintoanuneasysilence,anglingourbodiesawayfromeachother.TryasImight,Ican’tthinkofanythingneutraltosaytoher.We’vealreadyburned

throughalloursmalltalkaboutworkandschool,andtheonlythingweseemtohaveincommonthesedaysisourdysfunctionalfamily.

WhatIwouldn’tgivetohavethatclosenessthethreeofussharedaslittlegirls.Irememberbeingnineyearsold,withsix-year-oldSophieandfour-year-oldAnna,livingonoursprawlingfarminVermont.We’droamthat

landforhoursonend,makingupgamesandlanguages,sharingstoriesandsecrets.Threetow-headed,rough-and-tumblegirls,unitedinthekindoflovethatonlysisterscanknow.God,howImournthelossofthatcloseness.ThoughthisisthefirsttimeinalongwhilethatallthreeofusPortersistershavebeeninthesameplace,I’veneverfeltfurtherawayfromthem

both.

Aflashofbrightredcatchesmyeyeupbythehouse.AsIturntogetacloserlook,myeyeslandsquarelyonthefine,perfectlybalancedformthat’soccupiedmyeverywakingdaydreamthesepastfewdays—thatofCashHawthorne,ofcourse.AndashirtlessCashHawthorne,nonetheless.

Hisdefinedpecsandgloriouslycutabsaregettingtannerbytheday,herebythelake.He’sgotoneendofaredkayakbalancedonhisshoulder,holdingitupeffortlesslywithhisthick,powerfularms.Hislongdarkcurlsarepushedbackfromhissculptedface,andhislightbluejeansareridinglowonthemuscular“V”ofhiships.SoentrancedamIby

thesightofmytattedup,scruffyparamourthatIbarelynoticeLukeholdinguptheotherendofthekayak.WhenitcomestotheHawthornebrothers,Ican’thelpplayingfavorites.

“JesusChrist,”Cashcrows,trundlingtowarduswiththekayakintow.“Ishouldhavewornsomeshadesdownhere—thatpaleassskinofyoursisgonnamakemegoblind.”

“Ha,ha,”Sophiereplies,tossingherlongbraidoverhershoulder,“Justwaituntilyou’reanold,sunbaked,wrinklydudeattheageofthirty,andthenwe’llseewho’slaughing.”

“He’salreadyagrumpyoldassholeontheinside,”Lukeputsinastheguyslowerthekayakontothedock,“I’msuretheoutsidewillmatchbeforelong.”

SophiezipsherlipsthesecondLukejumpsintotheconversation,turningbacktowardthelake.Whatthehellisthedealwiththesetwo?LukemusthaveseenherpullaGirlsGoneWildatacollegepartyorsomething,forallthetensionthatseemstohangbetweenthem.Hell,maybetherewasevensomekindofill-advisedhookupbackatSheridan.Thatwould

certainlyexplainthings.ThoughthechancesoftwoPorter-Hawthornehookups—makethatthree,includingourparents—seemprettyslim.

“Yougotthekeystothetruck?”CashasksLuke,brushingoffhishands.

“Whatdoyouneeditfor?”Lukereplies,handingCashasetofkeystotheancient

blackpickuptruckthatlivesontheproperty.

“Needsomemoresmokes,”Cashsays,laughingatthegrimacethatcrossesLuke’sface.“Sackup,man.It’snotmeth.”

“Oh,right.Iforgotthatlungcancerisrealfuckingmanly,”Lukeshootsback.“Forgetsackingup—whenareyougonnatrygrowingup,Cash?”

“WhatwouldIdothatfor?”Cashshrugs,“You’realreadyplayingmanofthehousearoundhere,isn’tthatrightlittlebrother?”

“I’mnotplayingatanything,youfucker,”Lukesnapsback,squaringoffagainstCash,“AllI’mdoingispickingupyourslack.”

“Whatagoodlittleboy,”Cashgrins,punchingLukein

theshoulder—justhardenoughforitnottobeajoke.

“Don’ttouchme,asshole,”Lukespits,hishandsballingintofists.

“Comeon,lil’guy,”CasheggsLukeon,givinghimafirmshove,“Youstillafraidtotakeonyourbig,badbrother?”

SophieandIexchangenervousglancesasLuke’s

eyesflarewithanger.

“I’vealwayspreferredfairfights,Cash.Cleanfights,”Lukeshootsbackathisbrother,“Notexactlyyourspecialty.”

IwatchCash’sjawpulsewithrageasLuke’sbarbcatcheshim.It’sthesamelookthatcameoverJohnyesterday,whileheandCashwereonthevergeoffighting.Forall

theirdifferences,itlookslikethere’sonethingCashinheritedfromhisfather—awillingnesstofight,andfighthard.Thoughmaybethiswasn’tsomuchinheritedasbeatenintohim.Myheartaches,justthinkingaboutwhatmighthavebefallentheseboyswhentheyweresmall.

“Guys,comeon.Chillout…”Isay,risingtomyfeetasthe

Hawthornebrothersfaceoffonthedock.

“Seriously,you’rebeingidiots,”Sophieadds,hurryingtostandbesideme.

“Yougirlsjustaren’tusedtothewayguyssettlethings,”Cashsmilescoldly,hiseyesfixedhardonLuke.

“Thewaysomeguyssettlethings,”Lukecorrectshim,liftinghischindefiantly,“No

mattertheconsequences.Right,Cash?”

Allatonce,theplayfulnessgoesoutofCash’seyes.Hisgazebecomessteely,thatsharpjawpulsingevenharderwithrawanger.

“Cash…”Isaywarily,takingasteptowardthem,“Couldyoupleasejustdropthis?You’refreakingmeout.”

“YeahLuke,”Sophieadds,

joiningmeasIinchforwardtodiffusethebrewingfistfight,“Thisisnuts.Youguysarebrothers.”

“Inname,maybe,”Lukegrowls,lookingatCashwithpurecontempt,“Butthankfully,that’sall.”

“That’sthegoodol’Hawthornenameforyou,”Cashgrins,pullinghimselfbackfromthebrinkoflosing

it,withnothingshortofHerculeaneffort,“It’llsticktoyoulikeamotherfucker,evenifitdoesn’tmeanshit.”

LuketurnsawayfromCash,lookingfortheworldlikehisbrother’sjustspatinhisface.There’sabadstreakinthebloodthesebrothersshare—andI’mstartingtogetthefeelingthatitrunsvery,verydeep.

“Well,”Cashgoeson,hisrippedbodystillhumminginthewakeofthebarely-avoidedbrawl,“I’moff.Youwannaridewith?”

Myheartthrillsforjustasecondathisoffer…untilIseethatI’mnottheonehe’sextendeditto.Instead,hiseyesarefixedonSophie,wholooksjustassurprisedasIfeel—thoughnotasgutted,I’msure.

“Oh.Uh…OK,”shesaysuncertainly,hereyesdartingfirsttowardLuke,thentowardme.“Yeah,whynot.Ihaven’treallyseenmuchofthetownhere.”

“Great,”Cashreplies,noddingatthetruckwaitinginthelongdriveway,“Thoughfairwarning,there’snotmuchofatowntosee.It’skindofashithole,tobehonest.”

“Well,nowIhavetoseeit,”Sophielaughs,followingCashupthedock.

Istandonthegentlyswayingboards,watchingthetwoofthemwalkingawaytogether.It’saperfectlyinnocuousouting,nottheleastbitcharged—sothenwhydoIfeellikeI’vebeenslappedintheface?

“Ididn’tknowthosetwo,uh,

gotalongsowell…”IsaytoLuke,myvoicehollow.

“Mhm,”hegruntsback,hisjawclampedshut.HestaresasCashleadsSophietothepickup,andtriesinvainnottolookfurious.Hedoesn’tseemtoothrilledabouttheirlittleadventure,either.

“ButyouandSophie,”Ibaithim,takingfulladvantageofhisdistractedstate,“Youtwo

alreadyhaveahistory…”

“What?”hesnaps,whippingaroundtofaceme.

“Youknoweachotherfromschool,Imean,”Igoon.LookslikeI’vehitanerve,here.Andnotaveryconcealedone,either.

“Right,”Lukereplies,shovinghishandsintothepocketsofhisjeans.

He’sgoneshirtlessthisafternoon,aswell.HisbodyisjustassculptedasCash’s,thoughwithouttheinkandoccasionalscar.ButwhereasCash’sbodyseemstohavebeenbuiltupfromcombat,boxing,andMMAbrawls,Luke’sismorefinelyhoned.He’sanathleteandaCrossfitbuff,I’velearned.AstarrunnerfortheSheridantrackteam,whenhewasan

undergrad.Infact,that’showheearnedhisscholarshipthere.Whenmyartsysisterwouldhaveeverbeeninthesameroomasajockisbeyondme,though…

“Howdidyouguysmeet?Atschool?”Idecidetopresshim,sittingbackdownattheedgeofthedock.

“Shenevermentioned?”heasks,movingtostandbeside

me.Isenseanoteofdisappointmentinhisvoice.

“Nope.Wedon’treallytalkmuch,onaregularbasis,”Iinformhim,lettingmyfeetdangleintothewater.

“Huh,”hesays,crossinghisarms.

“So,doyouguyshavemutualfriends,or…?”Iprod.

“Actually,”hesays,looking

downatme,“Iwasherteacher.Well,TA.”

MyjawfallsopenasIabsorbthisinformation.“Youwereherteacher’sassistant?”Iaskhim,agog.

“That’sright,”hereplies.“Don’tlooksoshocked.NotalltheHawthornemenarehulked-outneanderthalslikemydearbigbrother.”

“It'sjust…That’snotwhatI

wasimagining…”Ireply,shakingmyhead,“Abouthowyouguysmet,Imean.”

“Whatexactlywereyouimagining?”heasks,aslowgrincreepingacrosshisface.

“I’msureyoucanguess,”Isay,smilingback.

“Nottoohardto,”helaughs,rollinghiseyes,“Butyou’rewayoff.SophiewasintheeconclassIwasassistinglast

semester.

“Thenwhyhaven’tyoumentionedthattoanyonehere?”Iaskhim.“Soundstomelikeyou’rehidingsomething…”

“I’mnothidinganything,”heshrugs,“TAsonlyhaveacoupleone-on-onemeetingswiththeirstudentsduringthesemester.Ijustgradedacoupleofherpapers.That’s

it.”

“Yousurethat’snotaeuphemismforsomething?”Iteasehim.

“Christ.Someone’sgotaone-trackmind,”hereplies,nudgingmewithhisfoot.

“Youdidn’tanswerthequestion,”Iremindhim,enjoyingthecamaraderiedespitemyself.

“YouPorterwomenarerelentless,aren’tyou?”hesays,“Idon’tknowwhichoneofyouisthemoststubborn.”

“It’safourwaytie,”Isaylightly.

“Soundsfamiliar,”hereplies.

Asilenceunfoldsbetweenus,thejocularmoodfadingawayaswehearthepickuptruckstartwithawheezeandtake

offdownthedriveway.It’sridiculoustobejealousofSophieforgettingsomealonetimewithCash;ridiculoustobesuspiciousofhismotivesfortakingheronalittlejoyride…yethereIam,alljealousyandsuspicion.Whatacharmingcombination.

“I’mgonnatakethisthingout,”Lukesaystersely,walkingovertothesingle-seatkayakandlowering

himselfin.“Enjoythepeaceandquiet.”

“Thanks,”Isaywistfully,drawingmykneesintomychest.

Lukegrabsthepaddleandpusheshimselfawayfromthedock.Hechopsatthewaterwithstrong,determinedstrokes,andsoonhe’sdisappearedfromsightaroundanoutcroppingof

trees.Forperhapsthefirsttimesincearrivinghereatthelakehouse,I’mallalone.

Ishouldbeusedtothefeelingbynow,havingspentmuchofthesepastfewyearsbymyselfintinyapartments,tinycubicles,theprivateworldofmyowngriefthatopenedwidewithinmytinyselfafterDaddied.But,surroundedbyallthishugeopenspace,myown

lonelinessisamplifiedtenfold.Sittingbesidetheexpansivewatersofthelake,underneaththearchingsky,amongancientrocksandtrees…Ifeelsmallerthanever.Morealonethanever.Butevenso,Irealizethere’sonlyonepersonwhocouldfillthemassivevoidofmylonesomeness.Andmylittlesisteriscurrentlyridingshotguninhistruck.

Perfect.Justperfect.

ChapterSeven

Iretiretomybedroomabsurdlyearlythatnight,claimingtohaveaheadache.What’strulyachingisthatbruised,beatingmuscleinmychest,butnooneelseneeds

toknowthat.Thislittlevacationisalmosthalfwayover,sowhydoIfeelmoretenseandexhaustedthanwhenIarrived?Ilaywideawakeinmyguestroomasthehoursslipby,andbeforeIknowitthenightisnearlyover,withoutmyhavingsleptawink.WhatIwouldn’tgiveforalittlestressreliefofthekindCashandIenjoyedthatfirstnightatthemotel…

Despitehisavowedpledgeto“makemystayworthwhile”,I’vebarelyseenhideorhairofCashsincethatfirstnightwespenthere.Andtrustme,I’dliketoseeallofthathideifIcouldgetanotherchance.Hesaidhimselfthathedoesn’tgiveashitaboutwhatourparents’relationshipis,sowhatthehellgives?Didhejustloseinterestinmeovernight?Idecidetoconsult

theexpertonallmattersconcerningmylovelife.Inotherwords,IgiveAllieacall.

“MaddieMaddieMaddie!”shesquealsuponpickingup.

“What’reyou,happytohearfrommeorsomething?”Iask,floppingdownontotheguestroom’stwinbed.

“Justalittle,”shereplies.

“IhopeIdidn’tcalltoolate,”Igoon,glancingatthedigitalclockpulsing3:00aminbigreddigits.“Iwasreallyjustgoingtoleaveyouamessage…”

“It’snevertoolateformybestfriend,”shesayscheerfully.Ihearafarlessperky,verydistinctlymalevoicegrumbleinthebackground,despiteAllie’sshushing.

“Gotavisitor?”Iask.

“Somethinglikethat,”shereplies.“Brian.Or…Ryan?Idon’tremember.Hejustwenttogetaglassofwater,soIcan’tevenfactcheck…”

“God,I’vemissedyou,”Ilaugh.

“What,haven’tyouhadaslewofhookupssinceyoubrokethesealacouplenightsback?”sheasks

mischievously.“Istillcan’tbelievemylittleMaddieisallgrownupandscrewingrandomhottiesinmotels…”

“Justtheonehottie,”Ireminderher,rollingontomyside,“And,uh…Notsorandomeither,itturnsout.”

“Excuseme.Whatdoesthatmean?”Alliedemands.

Ibitemylip—animpressivefeat,givenhowfarmyfootis

jammedintomymouth.I’mtornbetweenwantingtotellAllieeverythingaboutCashandwantingtogiveherasfewdetailsaspossible.Shewasmorethansupportiveofmysexyonenightstand,butwhatifshe’sweirdedoutbywhat’scomeafter?Itdoesn’tbothermethatJohnHawthorneandmymomare…whatevertheyaretoeachother,butIcan’tcount

onanyoneelsefeelingthesameway,evenifthatsomeoneisAllie.Imayjusthavetogetalittle…creativewiththedetails.

“You’llneverbelieveit,”Ilaughdryly,“ButtheguyIsleptwiththatfirstnight?TheoneIsentyouapictureof?He’s…uh…alocal.”

“Getout,”Alliebreathes.Icanpracticallyhearherbig

greeneyeswideningintodinnerplates.“Helivesinthatmiddle-of-nowheretownyou’restayingwithyourfamily?”

“Hedoes,yeah,”Itellher—notexactlyalie.“I’veevenbumpedintohimafewtimes,”also,moretruethannot.

“Hasanythingelsehappenedwithhim?”Allieasks

breathlessly.

“Therewasanotherkiss,”Iallow,myentirebodyrecallinghowitfeelstolocklipswithCashHawthorne,“Butnothingelsesofar.”

“Whatthehellareyouwaitingfor?”Allielaughs,“Gojumpthosecountryboyboneswhileyoustillcan!”

“Whataboutourlittlebet?”Ichallengeher,“Itwon’treally

havebeenaonenightstandifIsleepwithhimagain,right?”

“DoyouhonestlythinkIgiveasingleshitaboutthatstupidbetwhenthebestsexofyourlifeinontheline?!”Allieallbutscreeches.“WhatkindofashittyfrienddoyouthinkIam?”

“SoItakeitIhaveyourblessing,then?”Ilaugh.

“Youhaveallofmyblessings.Everylastone,”shetellsme,“Whoknows?Maybethisonenightstandofyourscouldturnintoyourfirstrelationshipwithaguythatactuallyturnsyouon.Atall.”

“Whatanovelidea,”Isaysarcastically.Buthersuggestionsticksinmyheart.I’vehardlydaredtoletmyselfthinktheword

relationshipsincemeetingCashHawthorne.Itdoesn’tevenseemtoexistinthesameuniverseashim.That’sthemainreasonIdidn’tinsistonthetwoofusjustleavingthisplacetogetherandcarryingoutourlittleaffairsomewhereelse.Ifweweretocontinuethingsoutsideofthisplace,we’dberiskingrushingintosomekindofrelationship.Andknowing

me,I’dmessitupimmediately.Aslongaswestayhere,unitedbycoincidence,there’sfarlesspressure.Cashhardlyseemslikearelationshipsortofguy.ButifI’velearnedonethingthisweek,it’sthatanythingispossible…whynotCashandIasapair?

Ifhehasn’talreadystakedhisclaimonanotherPortersister,thatis.

Asoft,rhythmictappingcatchesmyearasAlliemutterssomethingtoBrian-or-Ryan.Thisbigrustichousehasavocabularyoftaps,clangs,andstirringsallitsown.I’vebeentoldtoignorethem,butasthisnewtappingreassertsitself,Isitupinmymodesttwinbed.Myheartstartshammeringinmyears,muchmoreloudlythanthenoisethat’ssetitoff.

Someone’sknockingatmybedroomdoor.

“Allie,holdon,”Iwhisperintothereceiver,swingingmylegsoverthesideofmybed.

“What’shappening?”IhearmybestfriendsayasImakemywayacrosstheroom.

Withmyheartlodgedfirmlyinmythroat,Itwistthehandleandpullthedooropen

aninch.Thewarmlightfrommybedsidelampfallsthroughthenarrowopening,illuminatingavibrantsetofveryfamiliarhazeleyes.

“Maddie,areyouOK?”Allie’stinnyvoiceasksasIstareupatmyearly-morningvisitor.

“Ihavetocallyouback,”Imutterfaintlyintothephone,hangingupabruptlyasCash

pushesthedooropentorevealhimself.

“Fancymeetingyouhere,”Cashgrinshisvoicehushed.Heleansagainstthedoorwayandlettinghiseyestravelupanddownmyscantly-cladbody.I’msuddenlyveryawareofhowtinymycottonshortsandtanktopreallyare,andcrossmyarmscompulsivelyovermychest.

“Whatdoyouwant,Cash?”Iwhisper,thoughmyeverynerveralliesatthesightofhim.

“What’swiththeattitude?”heasks,cockinghishead.Asinglecurlfallsacrosshisforehead,andIhavetoforcemyselftokeeptakingdeepbreaths.

“It’sthreeinthemorning,”Iinformhim,“Normalpeople

areasleepatthishour.”

“Andyet,hereweare,”hesmiles,takingasteptowardme.

Apprehensionandanticipationwarforcontrolofmybody.ThisisthefirsttimeCashandIhavebeenalonesinceoursultrykisstheothernight.Butwe’realsosurroundedbyseveralsleepingfamilymemberswho

coulddiscoverusatanyminute.ImayhaveonlyspentonenightwithCash,butIknowthatIcan’tkeepquietoncehishandsareonme.

“Youshouldn’tbehere,”Itellhim.“It’snot…Youknow…”

“What?”heasks,layinghishandsonmybarearms,“Proper?”

“Fuckproper,”Isnap,“It’sjustnotcoolofyou,Cash.You’vebeenstraightupignoringmeeversincethefirstnightwegothere.Youcan’tjuststrollonintomyroomandexpectabootycallafter—”

“Whoa,whoa,”Cashsays,holdingmefast,“Slowdown,Maddie.WhatdoyoumeanI’vebeenignoringyou?”

Istareathim,unspeaking.CashHawthornemaybehandsomeashell,butheismightyslowontheuptake.

“You’vebarelysaidawordtomeinthepastfewdays,”Ispellitoutforhim,“Youkeepavoidingbeingalonewithme,orevenbeinginthesameroomwithme.Andthisafternoon,youjustranoffwithSophie—”

“Wellyeah,”hesays,stillnotseeingtheproblem.

“Wellyeah,”Iecho,tryingtoignorethewarmthofhishandsagainstmyskin.

“Maddie,I’vebeenmakingsuretothrowtherestofthemoffourtrail,”hetellsme,asifI’mthecrazyone.

“…What?”Iaskfaintly.

“Imean,Idon’tgiveashit

aboutwhatourfamiliesthink,butIstilldon’twantthemalloverus,youknow?”hesays,runninghishandsdownmyarms,“Playingitlikewe’renotcool,takingSophieoutforadrive,itwasalljustthescramblethesignal.Youdidn’tthinkI’dactuallylostinterestorwhatever,didyou?”

“I…No…”Ilie,badlyasever.Ifeelahotblushrising

tomycheeks,whichonlygrowsinintensitythelongerCash’shazeleyeslingeronmyface.

“You’readorablewhenyou’rebullshitting,”hegrinsatme,circlingmyslenderwaistwithhisinkedarms.

“Shutup,”Imutter,thoughIcan’tkeepmyfacefrombreakingintoasmile.

“Thereitis,”hemurmurs,

pullingmetohim.Instinctively,Ilacemyarmsaroundhisneck.It’scrazyhowfamiliarhisbodyalreadyfeelsagainstmine.

“Youcouldn’thavejusttoldmewhatyouwereupto?”Ichidehimgently.

“Idon’tknowifyou’vefiguredthisoutyet,”hesays,raisinganeyebrow,“Butthewholeexplainingmyselfthing

isn’treallyforme.”

“Youdon’tsay,”Ilaughsoftly,savoringthefeelofhishardbodyagainstmine.Asmyapprehensionsfallaway,mybodyriseswithrenewedwantofhim.I’mkeenlyawareofthetwinbed,standingjustpacesawayfromus.WhatIwouldn’tgivetobebentoverthatthing,withCashpoisedoverme—

“Comeon,”hesays,cuttingoffmysteamytrainofthought.Hetakesmyhandinhisandtugsmetowardthedoor,“Let’sgo.”

“G-go?”Isplutter,diggingmyheelsintothehardwoodfloor,“Gowhere?”

“What’sthematter?”Cashgrins,lookingatmeoverhisbroadshoulder,“Youscaredofalittleadventure,Porter?”

Thereitisagain:achallengeIcan’trefuse.IhavenoideawhatCashhasinstoreforus,butIcan’tverywellbackdownnow.

“Ofcoursenot,”Itellhim,playingitcool,“Leadtheway.”

Wepadthroughtheenormous,slumberinghome,silencingourfootfallsasbestwecanatthisearlyhour.I’m

convincedthattheloudestnoiseonhandismywreckingballofaheart,butstillwemakeitoutofthehouseundetected.Cashleadsmeoutthroughthekitchendoor,ontothedew-slickedpatio.Anearlyfullmoonhangsintheskyoverthelake,lightingourpathacrossthesprawlingbacklawndowntowardthelake.Amillionstarscareenoverheadinadizzying

canopy,andIalmostlosemyfootingtryingtotakethemallin.Luckily,IhaveCash’shandtosteadyme.

“Thisplaceisamazing,”Iwhisper,aswestepoutontothedarkeneddock.“Ican’tbelieveyougottogrowuphere.”

“Yeah,”heallows,lettinghisgazefollowmineuptotheheavens,“Asbadasthings

evergot,atleastIalwayshadthis.”

“Didthingsget…reallybad?”Iasktentatively,asCashdrawsmealongtheplanks.

Hedoesn’tanswermeforalongmoment.Icansensethatwe’vereachedthethresholdofwhatmostpeopleknowabouthim.Whatheeverdarestoconfideinanotherperson.Icanfeelthemassive

effortittakesforhimtocontinue,seeitinhisverybearing.

“Theydid,”hefinallysays,drawingtoastopbeforeme.“I’dfeelfuckingstupidcomplainingaboutit,withwhathappenedtoyourfamily—”

“Don’t,”Itellhim,restingmyhandsonhistaperedwaist,“Therearedifferent

kindsofbad.Iknowthat.”

Cashdrawsadeepbreath,bracinghimself.“Well.Wesortoflostourmom,too.Only,nottoanyfreakaccidentorillnessorwhatever.Just…becausethat’swhatshedecidedshewanted.Shebailedonuswhenwewerekids.Didn’tdigthewhole‘cabininthewoods’vibemydadsetup.Wantedmorethings.More

money.Jokewasonher,though—Dad’sbusinesstookoffrightaftershehittheroad.Hebuiltthisplace,letthethreeofusrunwildalloverit,justusguys…”

Iholdmytongueashegoeson.Suddenly,theHawthorneboys’aversiontofemalecompanyisstartingtomakesense.

“She’slivingontheEast

Coastnow.Boston.Marriedsomerealslicklawyertypeandpoppedoutanothercouplekidswithhim.Girls,likeshealwayswanted.They’reteenagers,bynow.Andhopefullygivingherallkindsofhell.”

“Igrewupinafamilywiththreegirlswhowereallteenagersatthesametime,”Iremindhim,“Trustme,yourmomhadherhandsfull.”

“Shit,listentome…”Cashmutters,laughingroughly,“Spillingmygutslike—”

“Iwanttoknowthesethingsaboutyou,Cash,”Iassurehim,circlinghiswaist,“Ifyou’llletmelisten…youcanspillyourgutsallnight.”

“Fine,”hesays,withacrookedgrin,“ButI’mnotdoingitondryland.”

“What…?”Iask,ashetugs

metowardtheedgeofthedock.

Bobbingonthewaterisalongwoodencanoe,withbenchesfortwo.Theboysmusthavemoveditdowntothewaterwiththekayaksthisafternoon.AndfromthelookonCash’sface,Iimaginethisiswhathehadinmindallthewhile.

Myhandsomecompanion

hopsdownintothesleekvessel,offeringuphishandtohelpmein.I’mfarmorenervousthanIhaveanycausetobe.Isittheglassyblackwatersofthelakethathasmyheartracing?OrthedepthofwhatCashisrevealingtomeabouthimself?Orsimplythefactofbeingclosetohim,outtherewherenooneisboundtostumbleuponus…

“Youcomingorwhat?”Cash

asksme,hisbrightsmileshiningintheblacknessoftheearlymorning.

“You’redamnrightIam,”Ibreathe,grabbingholdofhisfirm,stronghandandsteppingdownintothecanoe.

ChapterEight

Thevesselpartsthewater’ssurfacelikesilkaswecoastalonginthemoonlight.Cash’spowerfularmsworktheoars,propellinguseasilytowardourdestination

—whateverthatmightbe.Theexertiondistractshim,giveshimanoutletashetellsmemoreaboutthelifethat’sledhimtothismoment.

“Dadwantedmetogotocollegemorethananything,”hesays,pullingtheheavywoodenoarsalonganotherarc,“Hisplanwasformetotakeoverthecontractingbusiness,astheoldestsonandall.ButIcouldnever

picturemyselfwastingfouryearsofmylifethatway.Ithought,itwaseasyforhimtowantthatforme—he’dneverbeenthroughithimself.TherewasnowayIwasgoingtodowhathewanted,butIdon’tthinkeitherofuscouldhaveknownhowfarI’dblowbythemark…”

“Byjoiningthearmyinstead?”Iaskgently.

“Exactly,”Cashgoeson,“ItwasthelastthingDadwantedforme.Healreadyfelthe’dlostpartofhisfamilywhenMomleft.Hethoughtitwasmyresponsibilitytostayandoverseethings.ButwhenIlookedatthestateoftheworld,then…Everythingthathadhappenedtoourcountry,intheMiddleEast,farbeyondourlittlelakesidebubble…IknewIcouldn’t

justplantmyfeetandstayhere.Ineededtoseewhatcouldbedone.WhatIcoulddo.GuessIthoughtIwasrealhotshitwhenIwaseighteen,imaginingIcouldgooffandsavetheworld.”

“Wereyou…Didyou…”Istammer,unsureofhowtoproceed.

“YouwanttoknowaboutmytimeintheArmy?”Cash

asks,“There’snotawholelottotell,tobehonest.”

“Somehow,Ifindthathardtobelieve,”Ireply.

Hegivesawrylaugh.“Ijustmean,Iwasn’tthereforlong.Truthbetold,I’dbarelyseencombatwhenIwasdischarged.”

“Wereyouinjured?”

“ThatIwas,”hesays,his

eyeshardening,“Butnotlikeyoumightimagine.”

“Youdon’thavetotellme,”Isaysoftly,restingahandonCash’sknee,“Butyoucan.Ifyoulike…”

Forthefirsttimesincesettingout,hebringshismuscledarmstoastop.Theconstant,lullingsoundoftheoarstokesdiesawayaswecoastalongtheclearlakeinsilence.In

thismoment,itfeelslikewe’retheonlytwopeopleintheworld,thatnothingthisremarkablehaseverhappenedtoanyonebefore.ItakeinthesightofCash,hisprofilecuttingasharplineagainstthebackdropofthelake,andknowthatI’llrememberthismomentforaslongasIlive,whateverbecomesofusnow.

“Iwasinjured,”hesays

slowly,hiseyescastoffacrossthelake,“Butnotincombatwiththeenemy.Inafightthatbrokeoutinourquarters.AfightIstartedto…becauseI…”

Hespeaksthroughgrittedteeth,fightingforeverywordhemanagestospitout.Igetthefeelinghe’snevertalkedtoanyoneaboutthis—atleastnotinaverylongtime.

“Whatwasthefightabout,Cash?”Iaskquietly,mynear-whispercarryingoutacrossthestilllake.

Cashdrawsadeepbreathintohislungsandlevelsthoseintensehazeleyesonme.

“Therewasthisguyinmyunit.AnassholejocktypenamedRick.Hewasoneofthoseguyswhoruledhishometown,arealgoldenboy

prick.Thoughthewasentitledtoanythinghewanted‘causenoonehadbeenabletotakehimdownbefore.

“RickandIwerestationedinIraqtogether.Usandahandfulofotheryoungnewrecruits.Therewasoneguyinparticularwhoseemedyoungerthanalltherestofus—Drew.Reallyquiet,greatwithcomputers,playedthe

guitar.HeremindedmealotofFinn…ThiswasbackwhenFinnwasstillfourteen,beforeheshotuplikeadamnweed.

“Anyway,weallgotourasseshandedtousthefirstcouplemonthsinIraq.Trainingisonething,butnothingcanprepareyouforbeingoverthere.You’realwaysonguard.Onefalsemoveandyou’redone.Andit’snotjustthestressof

constantdanger,it’sfuckinglonely.Nottomentionthatwithabunchofyoungguysspendingeverywakingmomenttogether,there’sgonnabesomefuckeduppowerplaysandshitgoingon.Rickwastheworstwiththat.Alwaystryingtoone-uptherestofus,provethathewasinvincible…”

“Isthathowyourfightstarted?”IaskCash,“Some

sortofpowerstrugglewiththisguy?”

“Iwishthatwasit,”Cashsays,shakinghishead.ForthefirsttimesinceI’veknownhim,Ihearsadnesscolorhisvoice.Regret.

“Then…what?”Ipress.

“ItoldyouthatRickwasaguywhowentafterwhateverhewanted,”Cashsays,tearinghiseyesawayfrom

mine.“Icouldlooktheotherwayaslongaswhathewantedwasthebestbunk,orthemosthigh-profilemission,orevenfirstdibsongrub.Butacouplemonthsintoourtour…hedecidedthatwhathewantedwasalittlehumancontact.Andsinceourbasewasn’texactlycrawlingwithladies…hedecidedhewanteditfromtheonepersononhandwhocouldn’tfightback.

HedecidedtogoafterDrew.”

MystomachturnsoverasIcometounderstandCash’smeaning.

“Holyshit,”Iwhisper,feelingthecolordrainfrommyface.

“Yeah,holyshit,”Cashgrowls,remembering.“Peopleareonlyjuststartingtorealizehowmanywomengetassaultedwhileserving.

Butthemen?Ithappenstomoreofthemthanyou’deverbelieve,andthey’reevenlesslikelytotalkaboutit.IhadnoideagoingintotheArmythatthiskindofthingcouldhappen.Iwassofuckingnaive.Ithappensallthegoddamntime.Ithappened…onmywatch.

“IpickeduponRick’smotivesearlyon,thewayhe’dtearDrewdownaround

therestofus,tryandmakehimfeelpowerless.IstartedkeepinganeyeonDrewonthesly—wewerenearlythesameage,buthestillfeltlikeakidbrothertome.IhadtolethimoutofmysightforafewhoursonenightwhileIwasonpatrol,butthesecondIgotbackIknewsomethingwasup.RickandDrewwerenowheretobeseen,andtherestoftheguyswerebarely

speaking.Everyoneknewwhatwasgoingon,butnoonewasgoingtostopit.Maybetheythought—hey,betterhimthanme.

“Ifoundthetwooftheminoneofthedesertedbunks.RickhadDrewcornered,pinnedupagainstthewall,and…Idon’twanttoupsetyouwithaplay-by-play.I’llneverforgetthatmoment.Itwasn’tjustfeelingterriblefor

Drew,itwasknowingthatwe’dallfailedtoprotecthim—I’dfailed.”

“Itsoundslikeyouweretheonlyonewhodidn’tfailhim,Cash,”Isay,tearsprickingmyeyesatthethoughtofDrew.Ofalltheotherguyswhosufferthissametormentinsilence.“Anditshouldn’thavefallentoyou,tosavehim.”

“Butitdid.Icompletelyblackedout,”Cashgoeson,“ThenextthingIremember,I’mpoundingtheshitoutofRickwhiletherestoftheguystrytopullmeoff.Ididafuckingnumberonhim,butIdidn’tcomeouttotallyunscathed.Couplebrokenribs.Fuckerevenpulledhisknifeonme—he’dalreadybeenusingittokeepDrewquiet…Longstoryshort,we

werebothdischarged.Dishonorablydischarged.”

“But…butthat’ssuchbullshit,”Iseethe,“Youdeserveamedalforwhatyoudid,not—”

“Idon’t,isthething,”Cashcutsmeoff,“WhatIdidforDrewwasbasichumandecency.That’sit.”

“Youdon’thavetodownplayit,”Itellhim,studyinghis

stonyface,hispainedeyes.

“Totellyouthetruth,Maddie…”Cashgoeson,reachingformyhand,“That’sallI’veeverbeenabletodo.WhenIgotkickedoutoftheArmy,allItoldpeoplewasthatI’dgotteninafight.Icouldn’ttellthemaboutwhythefighthadreallystarted—Drewhadalreadybeenthroughenoughwithoutmyusingtheworstmomentof

hislifetogetpeopleoffmycase.”

“Youmean…nooneknowsthetruth?”Iask,astounded.

“Noonebutyou,”hesays,rubbinghisthumbagainstmyhand.“AndacoupleofArmyshrinks,but—”

“Notyourbrothers?”Ipress,“Notevenyourdad?”

“No,”hemurmurs,closing

hisfingerstightlyaroundmine,“Especiallynotmydad.IfI’dtoldhimwhyI’dgotteninthatfight,hewouldhavejusttoldmethatIshould’vemindedmyownbusiness.Keptinline.He’dneverunderstand.He’sneverunderstoodanythingaboutprotectingyourown.Butyou,Porter…Somethingtellsmethatyou’retheonlypersonwhocouldeverunderstand

this.Aboutme.”

“Ido,Cash,”Iwhisper,staringdeeplyintohistroubledeyes,“Truly,Ido.”

“ThenIhopeyoualsounderstand,”hesays,hisvoicerasping,“ThatwhenIcareaboutsomeone,I’ddofuckinganythingforthem.Nomatterwhattherisks.Nomatterwhattheconsequences.Nothingcan

stopmefromdoingrightbythepeopleIcarefor.ThepersonIcarefor.YouunderstandwhatI’msaying,don’tyou?”

“IthinkIdo,”Iwhisperback,myheartthreateningtoburststraightthroughmyribcage.

“Think?”Cashgrowls,“Ineedyoutoknow…”

IgaspasCashwrapshisarmsaroundme,scoopingmeup

asifIweighednothing.HepullsmeintohislapasIclaspmyhandsbehindhisneck.Brushingthedarkblondehairoutofmyface,Cashpullsmeflushagainsthim,bringinghismouthtomine.Iopentohimatonce,tremblingatthepassion,theferocityripplingbeneathhismuscledsurface.Cashworksmymouthopenwide,lettinghistonguesweeppowerfullyagainst

mine.Iswingmylegsaround,hookingmyanklesbehindhisbackandstraddlinghimrightthereonthecanoebench.

AlowgrowlvibratesfromhimcoreasIgrindmyhipsagainsthisalready-stiffcock.Cashgrabsholdofmyasswithbothhands,squeezinghard.Hepullsmeeventightertothatirresistiblelength,pressinghardinthe

exactplaceIneedtofeelhim…Allofhim.

“Ilovehowmuchyouwantme,”Cashgrowls,runninghishandsupalongmyback.

“LookslikeI’mnottheonlyone,”Ibreathe,pressingbackagainsthisrigidmanhood,“OrshouldIsay,feelslike…”

“Believeitornot,”Cashlaughsroughly,drawingback

totakemein,“Fuckingyoudirtyinthisboatwasnotmyplan.”

“Idon’tbelieveyou,”Itease,rakingmyfingersdownhischest.

“Ifyoucanwaitjustalittlewhilelonger,”hesays,“I’llshowyouwhatIactuallyhadinmindforus.”

“Youexpectmetowait?!”Ilaughincredulously,“What

kindofcruelandunusual—”

“Ipromiseit’llbeworthit,”hesmiles,circlinghisstronghandsaroundmywaist.

“Youandyourpromises…”Imurmur,wantingnothingmorethantofeelhimnow.

“Ialwaysmakegoodonthemintheend,don’tI?”hechallengesme.“Comeon.Beagoodlittlegirlandkeepyourhandstoyourselfforjust

—”

“Callme‘littlegirl’againandI’mswimmingbacktoshore,”Iwarnhim,pickingmyselfupoffhislapandmakingabigshowoffoldingmyhandsinmylap.It’sabluff,ofcourse.There’snowayIcouldtearmyselfawayfromhimnow.Itrytoignorethethrobbingneedthatringsoutjustbeneaththem,poundinginsistentlybetween

mylegs.

“Dulynoted,”Cashgrins,grabbingholdoftheoarsoncemore.

Inasilencepulsingwithdesperateneed,wesoaracrossthelake.Ibarelynoticeastheskylosesitsinkyblacksheen,givingwaytoarichcharcoal,thenaheathergray.Thesunmustbeabouttorise.Ican’tthinkof

abetterwaytogreetanewdaythanthis,allaloneattheedgeoftheworldwiththemanI…ThemanIwhat?Want,certainly.Need,perhaps.Butwhatelse?

DoIevendareputawordtohowIfeelforhim?

“Here,”Cashsays,hisvoicealowrasp.

Ilookpastthebowofthecanoeandspotasmallstretch

ofshoreline.It’sentirelyhiddenfromsight,thisspot—obscuredbyoverhangingtreesanddeepwoodsonallsides.Thenarrowbeachlooksunreachable,remote,andentirelyprivate.Akickdrumofanticipationstartsupinmycoreasweglidetowardtheshore.Inonemasterfulmotion,Cashswingshislegsintotheshallowwater,towingustherestoftheway.

Mykneesaretremblingbythetimewe’vereachedtheshore.I’msurethattheveryedgesofmyformmustbevibratingwithbarelycontaineddesire.

Fromunderhisseat,Cashproducesathickgrayblanket,tightlyrolled.Tuckingitunderhisarm,heextendshishandtome.Ilacemyfingersthroughhis,pullingmyselftostanding.Atonce,Cashfeels

myshakiness,andstopstosteadyme.

“AreyouOK?”heasks,traininghisgazeonme.

“Ofcourse,”Ismilegamely,willingmyselftocalmdown.

“You’reshakinglikealeaf,”hemurmurs,concerned.

“It’snothing,”Itellhim,layingmyhandsonhisfirmchest,“Just…alittle

overwhelmed,Iguess.”

Hisbrowfurrows.“DidIdosomethingwrong?”heasks,“Ididn’tmeantoscareyouwithallthat—”

“No,Cash…”Icuthimoffearnestly,“Youdidn’tscareme.”

Cash’sstoryofvalorandsacrificedidn’tscaremeintheslightest.Nordidknowingwhathe’scapableof

doing,whenpushed.Whatdidscareme,though,wasthefeelingtheserevelationsinspiredinme.Orrather,thedepthofthatfeeling—theextenttowhichI’vefallenhardforthisgorgeous,passionate,steel-willedstranger.ThismanIknowIcanneverhaveforlong.Ipushthethoughtofourimpendingseparationfaroutofmind.Iwon’tletitruinthe

momentathand.

“That’sgood,”Cashmurmurs,takingmyfaceinhishands.“Ineverwantyoutobeafraidofme,Maddie.Youneverhavetobeafraidofme.Iknowhowtocontrolmyself.I’vehadtolearn.Andgoddamn,hasthatcontrolbeentested.

“Iknow,Cash,”Iwhisper,wrappingmyfingersaround

hiswrists.

Andit’sthetruth,too.Theremaybenothingbutrawpowercoursingbeneathhissculptedexterior,butIknowwithoutneedingproofthathewouldneverturnitagainstme—oranyoneelsewhodidn’tdeserveit.Didn’theholdhimselfbackfromfightingLukejustyesterday?Didn’theriseabovethoseassholebikersthenightwe

firstmet?HisDadmayhavepasseddowntherecklessimpulsetodoharm,butCashhastrainedhimselftobebetter.Thisisamanwhoturneddownaprofitablebusinesswhenitwasofferedonasilverplatter,simplybecauseitwastherightthingtodo,byhiscode.AndthatisamanItrust,implicitly.

IrestmycheekonCash’sshoulderashepullsmeintoa

swiftembrace.Hekissesthetopofmyhead,agesturethatsomehowfeelsmoreintimatethananythingwe’veyettoshare.Ifeelmybodymeldtohis;fluid,eager,andso,soready.Mybodyhasceasedtotremble,now.I’veneverfeltmoresteadyinmylife.

Cashpeelshimselfawayfrommejustlongenoughtosnapoutthegrayblanket,spreadingitoutacrossthe

sandy,pebble-studdedshore.Ashesmoothsoutthewell-wornfabric,Ikickoffmysandalsandstepuptohim,runningmyhandsdownhisbroadback.Heturnstome,eyesgleamingasIkneelontheblanketbeforehim.Slippingoutofhismuddyshoes,helowershimselftohiskneesaswell,runninghishandsdownalongmysides.Iplantmyhandsonthepanes

ofhischestashecirclesmywaistwithonearm,lettinghisotherhandcontinueitsjourneydownmybody.

AlowmoanescapesmypartedlipsasCashslideshishandbeneaththebandofmycottonshorts.Ipressmyforeheadtohisshoulder,mybackarchingasheslideshishandbetweenmythighs,lettinghisfingertipsbrushagainstthethinmaterialof

myunderwear—theonlyscrapoffabricseparatingusnow.MybreathcatchesasCashpushesasidethescantpanel,restingtwomasterfulfingersagainstmythrobbingsex.

“Christ,”Cashgroans,runninghisfingersallalongthelengthofme,“You’resowetforme,Maddie…”

“Whatdoyouexpect?”I

breathe,lettingmyheadrolltothesideasCashstrokesmyachingsex.

“I’vebeenthinkingaboutthisallweek,”hegrowls,holdingmesteadyasmybodygoesliquidunderhisexperttouch,“Thinkinghowfuckingsexyyouarewhenyou’returnedon.HowmuchIlovemakingyoucome…”

Igasp,clutchingontoCash’s

shouldersashelaysthosetwofingersfirmlyagainstmytenderclit.EverywordI’veeverknownfallsawayashetraceslong,slowcirclesoverthatachingnub.Warm,blissfulpleasureradiatesthroughmybodyathiseverystroke,mymusclesclenchingecstaticallyaroundthedelicioussensation.

“Relax…”hemurmursauthoritativelyinmyear,

rubbingthatexcitablebuttonwithswift,firmloops.“Justletgo,Maddie.Letmemakeyoufeelgood…”

“Itdoes.Youdo,”Ibreathe,mykneesgoingweakassearingpleasuremountsinmycore,readytospilloutthroughmyentirebody.“Itfeelssogood,Cash.Iloveyourhandsonme…”

Butmywordsgivewaytoa

throatycryashistwostrongfingersslideback,drivingupinsideofmeasheworksmyclitwithhisthumb.Hisfingerscollidewiththatlusciousspotjustbehindmynavel,flexingdeliciouslyasunrelentingpulsesofsensationringoutthroughmybody.Icanfeelmyselfspeedingtowardtheedgeoforgasm,unabletokeepmyselffromtumblingover

thecliff.

“I’msoclose…”Igasp,buckingmyhipsagainstCash’sexperttouch.

“Letgo,”heurges,bearingdownonmyscreamingclitashisfingersslideevendeeperinsideofme,“Comeforme,Maddie.Iwanttofeelyou…”

Athiscommand,Iletdownmydefenses,giveintotherushofsensationthatbursts

throughme.Myeverycellisinfusedwiththatrollingwaveofblissasitcoursesthroughme,carriesmeawayonaseaofecstaticpleasure.CashlowersmeontomybackasI’movertakenbythisfeeling,pinningmyhandsabovemyheadandkissingalongmyneck.Icanfeelhiscockragingwithdesireagainstmytremblingthighastheorgasmpassesthroughme,leaving

mychestheavingandmouthspreadwithinarapturousgrin.

“Youandyourpromises…”Imanagetogasp.

“WhatdidItellyou?”hegrins,kissingthevalleyjustbelowmycollarbone.

“Justkeepyourhandsonme,”Iplead,grindingmyhipsagainsthis.

“Oh,Iintendto,”hemurmurs,loosingmywristsandpushingmytinytanktopupovermybreasts.

Ipulltheflimsygarmentovermyshoulders,castingitasideasCashpalmsmymodestbutfirmbreasts.Helowershislipstothem,takingonenipplebetweenhisfulllipsashelightlypinchestheother.Thewarringsensationsmakemyheadspin—inthebest

waypossible.Igrabtheedgeofhist-shirtandpullitupoverhishead.Theteefallsaway,revealingCash’sgorgeouslycuttorsoinallitsinked,ripplingglory.Butthat’snotallIwanttoseeofhim.

Withsurehands,Igrabholdofhisbeltbuckleandwhipitopen,loosingthebuttonandzipperasfastasIcan.CashkneelsbeforemeasItugthe

briefsandjeansdownoverhisfirmass,myeyestransfixedbythestaggering,pulsatingcockstandingatattentionbeforeme.I’veneverfoundaman’smanhoodtobebeautifulbefore…butofcourse,Cash’sistheexception.Irunmyhandsalongthesmooth,rigidlength,tracingtheflushedbellheadwithmythumb.CashgroansasIworkmy

handsalonghisshaft,hisbackarchingwithpleasure.Iwanttofeelevenmoreofhim.Allofhim.

“Goddammit,Maddie…”hemoans,asIlowermymouthtohiscock,rubbingalongthelengthofhimallthewhile.

IletmyblueeyesflickuptomeethisasIpartmylipsand,ever-so-deliberately,taketheswollentipofhimintomy

mouth.AshudderofblissrunsdownmyspineasIrunmytonguealongtheridgeofhishead.Lowonmyknees,IgrabholdofhisfirmassandpullasmuchofhimintomymouthasIcan.Icanfeelhimpulsingagainstmytongue,tastehisdesireasitmounts.Heburieshishandsinmyhair,tuggingjusthardenoughformetofeelit.

“You’vegotmerightonthe

edge,”herasps,asIrunmytonguefromthebaseofhisshafttotheverytipofhim.

“Maybeit’stimeyouletgo,too,”Igrinupathim,workingmyhandsfirmlydownhisthrobbingcock,slickwheremymouthhastraversedit.

IcryoutindelightedsurpriseasCashgrabsmebythehipsandflipsmeontomyhands

andknees.Mybackarchesasherunshisfingersalongmyspine,lettingmefeelhisslickcockpressingrightupagainstmyslit.Iglancebackathimovermyshoulder,marvelingatthesheerenormityofhisform.Atthismoment,attheheightofdesire,heseemslargerthanlife.Anancientgodvisitingthemortalworldforthebriefestofmoments.Buthisgodlinessdoesn’t

makemefeelsmallorbase.Itelevatesme.No—weraiseeachotherup.Andnow,Iwanttoseejusthowhighwecansoar.

“Youwanttofeelmefrombehind?”hemurmurs,runninghishandsovertheriseofmyass.Icatchmybreathashetrailshisfingersbetweenmycheeks,lettingthepadofhisthumbbrushagainstthattightcircleof

musclenomanhasevertouched.Surprisegiveswaytodeepsatisfaction,akindI’veneverknown.Howcanbeingtouchedtherefeelsogood?

“Y-youmean…?”Istammer,mypulsequickening.That’sanotherthingI’venever,evertried.NotthatI’mopposed,intheory…but—

“No,no,”hemurmurs,

trailingkissesdownmyback,“We’renotexactlyequippedforthat.Today,thatis.Ijustwanttotakeyou,justlikethis.Watchmycockslideintoyou.Watchyouwritheunderme…Soundgood?”

Myimaginationspinsoutofcontrol,imaginingallthenewthingsCashisgoingtoteachme…Someday.Butfornow—

“Godyes,”Igasp,feelingmythighsbegintoquake.

Ihearthesoftripofawrapper,andwatchovermyshoulderasCashrollsacondomdownhismassivecock.ThatmustbeanXXLrubber,toaccommodatesuchanimpressivepiece.ButmyspeculationsstopintheirtracksasIfeelthetipofthatgiganticmemberpressedfirmlyagainstmywet,eager

sex.Igrabholdofthegrayblanket,bunchinghandfulsofthefabricinmyshakingfingersasCashsetshishandsfirmlyonmyhips.Foramomentsuspendedintime,Iraisemyeyesandlookoutacrossthelake.Thesunishoveringjustbelowthehorizon,sendingtendrilsoforangeandpinkoutacrossthesky.It’sbeautiful.Perfect.Andthat’sevenbefore—

Ourvoicesriseuptogether,towardthecanopyofleavesoverhead,asCash’scockpartsmysilkyflesh.Hepressesintomewithpowerful,measuredforce,andmymouthfallsopeninanamazed“o”asIfeeltheunthinkablesizeofhim.Frombehind,hefeelsevenbigger,drivesevendeeper,butIdon’tshrinkawayinresponse.Instead,Ipress

backagainsthim,sendinghiscockevenfurtherintomyreadybody.Heworkshimselfinsideofmeinchbyinch,untilfinallyIfeelthefulllengthofhimdriveupintomyverycore.Hisfingerstightenaroundmyhipsashesinksallthewayin,fillingmeupcompletely.

“You’resogoddamntight,”hegroans.

“No—you’rejusthungasfuck,”Ilaughbreathlessly,buckingagainsthispowerfulrod.“I’msurprisedIcanevenfityou.”

HemeetsmypassasIpressfirmlybackagainsthim,andwecryoutinunisonagain.Ourvoicesarelow,guttural—absolutelyprimal.I’veneverheardthesesoundscomingoutofmymouthbefore,butIdon’tfeelself-

conscious.Ifeelmorelikemyselfthaneverbefore.NowthatI’vefeltthefullmassivenessofCash,I’mhooked.Fasterandfasterwethrusttogether,ourbodiesmovingwithharmonious,fervidpurpose.MyheadfallsbackbetweenmyshouldersasIbounceonCash’srigidcock,savoringthefeelofhimcollidingwiththeverycoreofme.Iswear,itfeelslikehe

couldtearmerightintwoifweweren’tcareful.

“I’mrightthere,babe.I’mrightthere,”Cashgrowlsthroughgrittedteeth.

“Come,”Itellhiminahoarsewhisper,“Iwantyouto—”

Theskysplitsopenbeforemeasthesuncrestsoverthehorizon.MyeyesopenwideasCashpoundsintomewithonelastlevelingthrust,

drivingsodeeplythatthenewlybrokendayitselfseemstospinwildlyallaroundus.IfeelhimcomehardasIpushbackagainsthimwithallmymight,mymusclestighteningaroundhim.Foramomentthatfeelslikeanhour,wefloattheretogether—balancingbetweenonesecond,oneday,andthenext.Timeitselfstepsasideforus,beforerushingbackin

andlevelinguscompletely.

Spent,Cashlowershimselftome,closingthespacebetweenourbodies.Hishardchestpressesagainstmybackasourbodiesriseandfallwithferventbreath.Rollingontohisside,Cashpullsmeagainsthim,enclosingmewithhisarmsaswelookoutoverthecrystallinelaketogether.Ourbreathingslowsasthesunbeginsitsascent

intothesky,rollingwhitecloudsreflectedinthestillwater.

“Sohere’sanidea,”Imurmur,burrowingagainstCash’ssturdyform,“Let’sjuststayrighthere.Forever.OK?”

“Soundslikeaplantome,”helaughshuskily,pullinghimselfontooneelbowandrestingahandonmyhip.

“Wecanbuildalittlelean-to,andforsakeourentirelives,andjustscrewonthebeachforeternity,”Igoon,pullingmyselftositting.“I’mgameifyouare.”

“Ican’teventellifyou’rekidding,”Cashmuses,runninghishandalongmynakedthigh.

“Meeither,”Ismilebackathim.AndthoughobviouslyI

don’tliterallyhaveforeverinmind,Ican’thelpwonderinginthismomenthowlongCashandIactuallyhavetogether.Thefirstweekofourvacationisdrawingtoaclose,anditalreadyfeelsliketimeismovingfartooquickly.I’veresistedthinkingaboutwhathappenswhenthistripisover,becauseIcan’tbearthethoughtofonlyhavingonemoreweekwith

thisman.

“Christ,you’rebeautiful,”hemurmurs,hiseyesfixedonmynudeform,backlitbythebreakingday.

AlotofguystellmeI’mcute,orevenpretty…butbeautiful?Reallybeautiful?Notsomuch.Howmanytimesdoesanyonegettohearthatinherlifeandfeelit’ssincere?

“What’sthesaying?‘Takeapicture,it’lllastlonger’?”Ilaughgiddily,alittlebashfulathispraise.

“Gotacamera?”Cashasks,adevilishgrinspreadingacrosshisface.

Ifeelmyselfblushingatwhathe’sproposing.I’mnoprudeaboutnudepicsintheory.I’vejustneverpersonallybeenonefortradingnaked

pictures,notevenwithmylong-termboyfriends.Italwaysjustseemedlikearecipefordisaster—especiallywiththenatureoftheinternetthesedays.Inevertrustedanyofmyexesenoughtosharesuchintimatematerial.Whatifoneofthemwasasecretrevenge-pornenthusiast?ButCashisadifferentstory.NotonlydoIfeellike—no,knowIcan

trusthim,buthealsomakesmewanttoliveatfullvolume,trythingsIneverhavebefore.

“Myphone’sinmyshortspocket…”Igrinback,cockingamischievouseyebrow.

Cashstaresatme,jawwideopen,lookinglikeamanwho’sjustwonthelottery.“Areyoufuckingserious?”

heasks,sittingupright.“You’dletme—?”

“Goahead,”Itellhim,daringly.

Inaflash,Cashgrabsmycellandturnsbacktome.Myownjawswingsdangerouslyclosetothegroundashestraightensup,notastitchofclothingonhim.Histall,perfectlybalancedformisasgorgeousasI’veeverseenit

—whichmakessense,asI’mgettingtoseemoreofitthaneverbefore.Lasttimewewerenakedtogether,wewereafewdrinksinandlitbyaneonlightonthefritz.Butnow,intheclearlightofearlyday,he’salmosttooperfecttotakeinallatonce.

“OK,”Cashsmiles,loweringhimselfbackontotheblanketbeforeme,“Youready?”

Iunlockthephoneforhimandsitcross-leggedontheblanket,unsureofwhattodonext.I’mnotreallywellversedinthegrammarofsexypoutsandposes.

“IguessyouprobablycantellthisisanotherthingIdon’thavemuchexperiencewith,”Ilaughnervously.

“Really?”heasks.“Youneversentnudepicstoanyof

yourboyfriends?”

“Nope,”Ishrug.“Notthattheydidn’task.”

“Nokidding,”helaughssoftly.

“Isthere,like,somekindofprotocolforthis?”Ikidinmybestpornstarvoice,flutteringmyeyelashesridiculously.ButCashdoesn’tseeminterestedinanyofthat.

“Ilikethatyoudon’tknowtheprotocol,”hesays,“You’redon’thavetoplayatbeingsexy.Youjust…are.”

Iletmyjokingfallaway,trulytouchedbyCash’sresponse.I’vealwaysbeenprettyconfidentwithmyownsexuality,butIhaven’tbeencompletelyimmunetotheideaof“beingsexy”.There’ssomuchpressureonwomentoperformsexiness,rather

thanfeelgoodintheirownskin.CashisthefirstpersonI’vebeenwith,whodoesn’tmakemefeellikeI’mfallingshortofsomepredeterminedmarkbyjustbeingmyself.Isitbeforehim,calmandcomposed,ashetrainsthecameraonme.

“Perfect,”hemurmurs,glancingupfromthescreen.

“Justlikethis?”Iask.My

blondehairissex-tousled,mymakeupnexttonon-existent.

“Justlikethat,”hesayssoftly,focusingtheshot.

Itrainmyeyesonthecamera,handsrestingonmyknees.It’snotaglamorous,practicedshot—butitisreal.Andisthismoment,IabsolutelybelievethatI’masbeautifulasCashtellsmeIam.Nowthat’ssomething

that’sneverhappenedtomebefore.

Hetakesafewmoreshots,smilingdownatthescreen.“Gotit,”hesays,scrollingbackthroughthehalfdozenshots.“NowI’vejustgottopickthebest…”

Cashtrailsoffmid-sentence,browfurrowingashepeersdownatthescreen.Hisexpressiongoesfrom

confused,todisbelieving,tocompletelyblankinthespaceofasecond.Atfirst,Ihavenoideawhathe’sreactingtosostrongly…until,thatis,IrememberthelastpictureItookonthatphone.

“Ohshit…”Isqueak,handsflyingtomymouth.Themorningafterwefirstslepttogether,IsnappedthatpictureofhimforAllie.Ineverthoughtitwouldcome

backtobiteme.Butisn’tthatalwaystheway?

“Caretoexplainthis?”Cashasks,turningthephonetofaceme.

ThereonthescreenisthepictureIlookofCash’ssleepingformthemorningafterour“onenightstand”.TheoneIsenttoAllieasproofofmymakinggoodonourbet.Eveninthemoment,

Iknewitwasashadymove.AndthatwaswhenIthoughtI’dneverseetheguyagain.Butnow…

“Iamso,sosorryCash,”Isputter,scramblingontomyknees.

“Youtookanakedpictureofme?Withoutmyknowing?”heasksevenly,thoughofcoursehealreadyknowstheanswer.Hehastheevidence

rightthereinhishand.

“Iknow.Itwasstupid,”Ihurryon,grabbingforthephoneandmissing,“Iwasn’tthinking,atall.Itwasanimpulsive,reckless—”

ButCash’sroaringlaughtercutsmeoffmid-babble.Hethrowsbackhisheadandcrowstotheheavens,clutchinghisperfectstomachatthehilariousnessofmy

gaff.

“Youlittlecreep!”hecackles,lungingforwardandscoopingmeupinhisarms.

“Youwerejustmessingwithme?!”Ishriek,poundingplayfullyathischestwithmyfists.“Goddammit,Cash!”

“Yeah,well,that’swhatyougetforbeingasneakylittleperv,”heteases,holdingthephonejustoutofmyreachas

Itryandmakeagrabforit.Whatwithhisbeinganentirefoottallerthanme,it’snotmuchofacontest.

“Ithoughtyouwereseriouslymadatmeforasecond,”Isay,standingonmytiptoestoreachmyphone.

“Nah,”hesays,“Idon’tblameyouforwantingtogetthissexybodofmineonrecord.”

“You’resuchadick,”Ilaugh,jumpingtomyfeetasCashgiveschase.Wedartaroundtheclearingintheall-together,belly-laughingallthewhile.ThewayCashcangofromserioustoplayful,solemntosoulful,isincredible.Hisever-changingmoodisthemostenticingthingsabouthim,andthemostchallenging.Buthey—challengesaremything,

right?

“Truce!Truce.Youcankeepthepicture,”hefinallyallows,comingtoastop.“JustaslongasIgettosendthisoneofyoutomyself…”

“Fine,fairisfair,—”Ireply,holdingupmyhands.Cashtapsafewkeysandraisesavictoriousfistintotheair.

“Thereitgoes!”hecrows,handingmyphoneoverat

last,“Thatsuckerisallmine.”

“Ohgod,”Igroan,clutchingmyphonetomybarechest,“NowtheNSAhasseenmeinmybirthdaysuit.”

“Luckymotherfuckers,ifyoudon’tmindmysaying,”Cashgrins,givingmeaplayfulpatontheassbeforegoingtofetchhisclothes.

“Ha,ha,”Idrawl,rollingmy

eyes,“Whatever,it’sfine.Nowyouhavesomethingtoremembermeby,Iguess.”

“What’reyou,swimmingbacktoSeattlefromhere?”helaughs,pullingonhisjeans,“Whatdoyoumeanrememberyou—”

“Sincewewon’tbeseeingeachotherafterthetrip,Imean,”Iblurtoutunthinkingly.Theblunt

certaintyofmystatementcomesoffwayharsherthanImeantitto.Fiddlingwithmyownclothes,Istammeron,“Imeanttoremembermeby…after.”

Cash’sbodytensesforafractionofasecond,butthat’sallittakesforthespellofourgorgeousmorningtobeshattered.Iinvokedourrelationship’sinevitabledeadline,hereofallplaces.

NowIfeelasthoughI’veruinedeverything.

“Right,”Cashsaysgruffly,pullinghisteebackoverhishead.

“Ijustmeant,youknow,thatI’mnotexpectinganythinghere,”Isay,steppingintomyclothesasquicklyaspossible.

“Yeah,Igotit,”hegoeson,tuckinghishandsintohispocketsasIfinishdressing.

“AreyoumadthatIsaid—?Ididn’tmeanto—”

“It’sfine,Maddie,”hetellsme,hisexpressionneutral,“Iwasn’texpectingyoutorideoffintothesunsetwithmeeither.”

“No…Iknow,”Ireply,givingmyhairanervoustousle.

“You’vegotawholelifeofyourownbackin

Washington,”hegoeson,rollinguptheblanket.Ihopoffquicklytoavoidbeingrolledupwithit.“AndI’vegotmyownshitbackhome,too.Nothingasimpressiveasyourjob,butstill.I’vegotagoodthinggoing.”

“Noone’ssayingyoudon’t,”Ireply,crossingmyarmstightly.

“Coursenot,”hesmiles

placidly,tuckingtheblanketbackunderhisarm.

We’resquaredoffacrosstheclearing,ourclosenessofamomentagoscatteredtothemorningbreeze.There’ssomuchthatwe’renotsaying,somuchofourselvesthatwe’restilltryingtoprotect.Atleast,that’swhatI’mdoing.Cashhasretreatedbackbehindhisunreadablemask,soIcan’tevenguessat

whathe’sthinking.

“Weshouldheadback,”hesaysshortly,turningtowardthecanoe,“Beforeeveryoneelsewakesup.”

“Right,”Isay,followinginhisstride.

Everyoneelse:therealreasonwhywecouldneverbetogetherpastthiswonderfulcoupleweeks.

ChapterNine

Thoughmentioningtheinevitableconclusionofourflingrightafterhavingincrediblesexwasabitofafumble,mymisstepisn’twithoutitsupside.Knowing

thatweonlyhavealittlemorethanaweekineachother’scompanyaddsamajorexponentontomineandCash’swantofeachother.Allofasudden,we’relockedinaracetoseejusthowmuchmind-blowingsexwecanhavebeforedistanceandcircumstanceseparateus.

Anditseemsthattheansweris:quiteabit.

MysecretexcursionswithCashbecomearegularoccurrence.Idon’tthinkIsleepforthenextfewdays,I’mtooexcitedtohearhistelltaleknockonmybedroomdoor.Atfirst,wecontainourliaisonstothedeadofnight,whenweknoweveryoneelseinthehousewillbesleeping.Butsoonenough,itbecomesclearthatafewhoursofthedayjustwon’tcutit.Cash’s

earlyeffortsatthrowingtheothersoffourtrailpeteroutasourdaystogethertickaway.We’restillcarefularoundourfamilymembers,feigningindifferencetoeachotherduringgroupmealsandactivities.Butthesecondwefindourselvesaloneagain,it’sawholeotherstory.

Westealawaywheneverwecan,ourhungerforeachotheronlyincreasingeachtimeit’s

sated.Noplaceissafefromtheurgencyofourneed.Wehaveeachotherinthebedofthefamily’spickuptruck,inremotecornersofthewoodsaccessedbyATV,evenintheoutdoorshowerstallononeratherrecklessoccasion.Webothknowthatit’srisky,thatoneofourparentsorsiblingscouldverywellcatchon(orcatchusintheact),buttheawkwardnessofthatoutcome

doesn’tcomeclosetooutweighingevenasecondCashandIgettospendtogether.Besides,we’redoingourduediligencenottogetcaught.Gettingcaughtwouldmeanbeingforcedapart—andthat’snotanoption.Notnow.Notyet.

Asthefirsthalfofmytwo-weekvacationdrawsnearer,IfindthatI’vecompletelyacclimatedtothisstrange

domesticarrangement.WhereastheideaofJohnHawthorneandmymomhavingalittlesummerflingtotallyfreakedmeoutatthebeginningoftheweek,givenmyfeelingsforCash,Icanhardlymusteruptheenergytocarebynow.Lifeoutherebythelakeplaysoutwithitsownsetofrules.It’seasyenoughtoimaginethattheeightofusaretheonly

peopleontheplanet.

We’resoisolatedoutherethatIfeelmyanxietiesaboutanytaboosCashandIaretoyingwithfallingbythewayside.SowhatifmymomandJohnwerehighschoolsweethearts?Sowhatifthey’vebeenallmoony-eyedduringourweekhere?Iknowmymotherwellenoughtobecertainthatitisn’treallyserious.Theonlythinginher

lifethatshetendedwithanyconsistencyatallwasherrelationshipwithmyfather.There’snochanceinhellthatshecouldreplicatethatwithanyotherman.EspeciallynotJohnHawthorne.

OnthesecondSaturdaynightofmystayattheHawthornelakehouse,IfindmyselfwithacouplehourstokillbeforemynextrendezvouswithCash.Heandhisbrothersare

helpingJohnwithasmallcontractingjobintownthatneededafewextrahands.EvenafewhoursofseparationfromCashismakingmecrawlupthewalls.ItrytodistractmyselfbydivingintoLoveintheTimeofCholera,oneofmyfavoriteGabrielGarcíaMárqueznovels.Buteventheabsorbing,magicrealismofhisproseisn’tenoughtotear

mythoughtsawayfromCash.

Butwouldn’tyouknowit,adifferentsortofdistractionoffersitselfuptome(whetherIlikeitornot).Forthefirsttimethisweek,it’sjustusPorterladieshangingaroundthehouse,withoutthecompanyoftheHawthornemen.Andmymotherpouncesontheopportunityforalittle“girltalk”.

“Maddie!”IhearhercallupthestairsasIrootthroughmysuitcaseforsomesexyunderthings,“Comeondowntothefrontporch,honey!”

“Inaminute,”Icallback,holdingupabrightredthongforconsideration.Abittooon-the-nose,Idecide.CashandIareplanningonvisitingsomelocaldivebarlater,aplacehefrequentswheneverhe’sbackinhishometown.

Thisisthefirsttimewe’llbeinpublicasapairsincethatfirstnightattheroadsidebar.Idon’tknowwhy,butI’msuperturnedonbytheideaofbeingseentogetherinthe“realworld”.It’llmakeitfeellikethisisn’talljustsomecrazydreamI’vewanderedinto.ButseeingasI’malreadyexcitedtospendsomemorealonetimewithCash,Iwanttobepreparedforwhat

mightcomeafter.Punabsolutelyintended.

IhearthewarmsoundoffemaleconversationasImakemywaydownthestairsandstepoutontothefrontporch.FourwoodenAdirondackchairsarearrangedalongtheverandahandoccupiedbymymomandsisters.Setonalowwickertablebetweenthemisquiteafeast—fruit,cheese,

chocolate,andfourbottlesofwine.IraiseaneyebrowatMom,watchingasAnnaandSophiepourthemselvesgenerousglasses.

“What?”shesays,wavingoffmyskepticallook,“Can’tweindulgealittleforonce?HowoftendoIgettohaveallmygirlsinthesameplace?Comeon.Letmespoilyoualittle.”

“I’mnotcomplaining,”

Sophielaughs,pilingaplatewithfreshstrawberriesandrealwhippedcream.

“Justdon’tnarconlittlenineteen-year-oldme,”Annasmiles,“Thisbeingmyfirsttasteofalcoholever,obviously.”

“I’msure,”Momreplies,rollinghereyes.

Iwavemysuspicionaside,neveronetocomplainabout

freeboozeandsnacks.Isinkdownintothelastavailablechairasmyfamily’sconversationresumes.

“Ithinkit’sverysmartofyou,gettingsomeextracreditsoverthesummer,”MomsaystoSophie,proppingherfeetupontheporchrailing.

“Ijustwanttheoptionofgraduatingearly,ifanything

goodcomesup,”Sophiereplies,sippingherwine,“Actingapprenticeshipsareprettycompetitive.IfIsnagagoodoneinthemiddleofsenioryear,Iwanttobeabletograbit.”

“Campusmustbeprettyquietinthesummer,”Momgoeson,“I’msureit’llberelaxingtogetsomealonetime.”

“Notthatyou’llbeentirely

withoutcompany,”Annaremarks,hervoicepurposefullycasual.IcatchSophieshootingheranevilglare.

“Oh!Willsomeofyourfriendsbedoingthesummersessiontoo?”Momaskscheerfully.“Howfun.”

“Uh.Kindof,”Sophiesaysvaguely,lookingasthoughshewantstodiveheadfirst

intoherglassofwine.“It,uh,turnsoutthatLukeisgoingtobeTA-ingsomemoreclassesthissession…Andhe’sgoingtobeanRA,too.”

“RA?What’sthat?”Momasks.

“Aresidentassistant,”Sophiesays,hervoicepained,“Itmeanshe’llbelivinginthedorms,too.Makingsureuskiddosdon’tgetintoany

trouble.”

IhavetotryhardnottogiggleatSophie’sdiscomfort.I’vebarelyseenherlookatLukeallweek.I’msurehavinghimaroundheroncampusallsummerisn’texactlyadreamcometrue.ThoughfromthewayLuke’sbeenlookingather,Idoubthemindstoomuch.I’vebeensowrappedupinmyflingwithCashthatI’vedropped

theballongettingtothebottomoftheirdrama.ImakeamentalnotetogetthetruthoutofSophiebeforetheweekisup.

“Getout,”Mombreathes,grabbingSophie’shand,“Thatisso,sowonderful.AndhereIthoughtallyoukidsweregoingtogoyourseparatewaysafterthisweek.I’msogladyoutwowillgettokeeponbeingfriends.”

“Uh-huh,”mymiddlesistersays,ahotblushrisinginhercheeks.

“IguessSophieandLukewillhavetobetheoneskeepingintouchforallofus,huh?”Annagoeson,hertoneunreadable,“Sincetherestofuswillbegoinghomeafterthis?”

“Seemsthatway,”Iadd,tryingtokeepmyvoiceas

neutralashers.

AsmallsmileliftsthecornerofMom’smouth.“Well,actually…”shesaysconspiratorially,“Iwantedtotalktoyougirlsaboutjustthat.”

MysistersandItradeuneasyglances.Momhasthatbrand-new-schemeglintinhereye.Andthat’sneveragoodthingfortherestofus.Isurveythe

bountyofboozeandtreatswithafreshwaveofwariness.Hasshejustbeentryingtobutterusupwiththis“girlsnight”?Andifso,whatissheabouttospringonusnow?

“What’sup,Mom?”Sophieasksuneasily.

“Well,”Mombegins,takingabigswigofherwine,“IknowItoldyouthatmyplanfor

thissummerwastospendalittletimegettinggroundedinmyhometownbeforegoingbacktoVermont.Really,Ijustwantedacoupleofweeksawayfromitall.Atfirst.”

“Areyoustayingforlonger,then?”Annaasks,“Didyoufindanotherplacetorentintownorsomething?”

“Orsomething,”Mombeamsatus.“Actually…God,Ifeel

likeateenageragain,dishingwithyougirlslikethis.Butactually,thingshavebeengoingsowellformeandJohnherethathe’s…he’sinvitedmetostay!”

MysistersandIstareblanklyatourmother,unmoving.

“Youmeanlike,foranothercoupleofweeks…?”Iask,myvoicehollow.

“Andanother,andanother,”

Momgrinshappily,sinkingbackinherchair.

“Mom,justcuttothechase,OK?”Sophiesaysheatedly,“ExactlyhowlongareyougoingtostayhereplayinghousewithJohn?”

“Watchyourtone,”Momscoldsher,takenabackbyherreaction,“Butsinceyouask,I’mplanningonstayingindefinitely.”

Thatword,indefinitely,echoesacrossthewidefrontlawnasmysistersandItrytocomprehendit.

“But…Youdon’tlivehere,”Annasays,eyeswide,“YouliveinVermont.Inourhouse.Thehousewe’vealwayslivedin.”

“Yes,dear,”Momsays,hervoicehardening,“Iknow.Ihavebeenlivinginthathouse

muchlongerthananyofyou.Andsinceyou’replanningtomoveouttogo‘findyourself’,Anna,I’dsoonbelivingthereallalone.OrIwouldhavebeen,ifJohnhadn’toffered—”

“Areyou…Sellingourhouse?”Iasksoftly,knowingthatIsoundfortheworldlikeawoundedchild.

“Iamplanningtosellthe

house,yes,”Momsayscoolly.

“Butthat’s—youcan’t—wereyouevengoingtotalktousaboutit?!”Sophiecries.

“That’swhatI’mdoingnow,”Momexplains.“NotthatIneedyourpermission,butI’mtakingmytimeweighingthedecisionto—”

“Really?Becauseitseemstomelikeyou’vealreadymade

yourchoice,”Sophieshootsback,“Welovethathouse,Mom.Ourwholechildhoods,ourentireliveswithDadwerethere.Thatplaceisallwehaveleftofhim.Wecan’tlose—”

“Don’ttellmeaboutloss,”Momsnapssuddenly,hervoicehighandshrill.Ifeelmybodygoutterlystill.Iknowthischangethatcomesoverhertoowell.Oneminute

it’ssunshineandhappiness,thenextit’sresentmentandrage.Shegoeson,uninterestedinpullinganypunchesnow.“Iknowallaboutloss,thankyou.Yourfatherwastheloveofmylife,fromthetimeIwasjustagirl.You’llneverbeabletofeelthelossofhimthewayIhave.”

“Christ,Mom…”Ibreathe,staringatheraghast,“Are

youseriouslymakingourgriefintoapissingcontestrightnow?”

“Ofcoursenot,”shesnaps,swiggingherwine,“Becauseit’snocontestwhatsoever.Yourfatherisapartofyourpast.Youcanallmoveonandleadlong,happylivesnow.Buthewasmyfuture.Myentirefuture.I’velostmorethanyoucanpossiblyimagine,losinghim.”

Herwordshitmelikeapunchtothegut,andIhavetosteadymyselfagainstthearmresttokeepfromfallingover—orelsethrowingmyselfather.SophieandAnnaarerootedintheirseats,lookingappalled,disappointed,butmostofallhurt.Thatdoesitforme.Noonegetstohurtmylittlesisters,evenifthatsomeonehappenstobeourmother.I

drawmyselfupandfixmyeyesonher,finallyputtingvoicetothewordsI’vewantedtothrowatherforsolong.

“Whatwouldyouevenknowaboutwhatwe’veallbeengoingthroughsinceDaddied?”Iaskher,theevennessofmyvoicesurprisingevenme.“Inthepastthreeyears,youhaven’tbotheredtocheckinwithanyofusabout

howweweredoing.Notonce.Youdon’tknowthefirstthingabouthowhisdeathhaschangedourlives.”

“Please,”Momscoffs,“IthinkIknowmyowndaughters—”

“DidyouknowI’vebeenseriouslydepressedforthelastthreeyears?”Icutheroff,myhandsballingintofists,“DidyouknowthatI

barelymadeitthroughthefirstsemesterbackatschoolafterhedied?ThatIalmostdroppedoutjustbeforegraduating?Italkedaboutbeingaliteratureprofessorlikehim,formyentirelife.DidyoueverwonderwhyIsuddenlychangedmymindandpuntedtomarketing?It’sbecausereadingthebooksheloved,followinginhisfootsteps,wastoopainfulfor

meoncehewasgone.Hisdeathhaschangedmyentirelife.Myentirefuture.NotadaygoesbythatIdon’tthinkofhim.Andallthat'stosaynothingofyourothertwodaughters.”

Mom’smouthstraightensintoahardlineassheglancesatSophieandAnna.“Isthishowyougirlsfeelaswell?”sheaskscrisply,“ThatI’vebeen‘negligenttoyour

needs’sinceArchiepassedaway?Hmm?”

“Idon’tknowifyoucansay‘negligent’…”Annareplies,fixingMomwithacoolstare,“Sinceyouneverconsideredourneedsinthefirstplace.I’dsayindifferent,ifanything.”

“That’sridiculous!”Momcries.

“Whybotheraskingifyou’re

justgoingtoshootusdown?”Annasnapsback.“Thetruthis,Mom,thatwe’vebeentakingcareofyousinceDaddied.”

“EspeciallyAnna,”Sophiejumpsin,“Igottorunofftodramaschoolanddealwithshitonmyown,butshewaslefttopickupthepieceswhileyoucollapsed.WeknowthatDad’spassingwashardonyou.Ofcourseitwas.

Buthowcanyousaythatwedidn’tfeelittoo?Howcanyouknowsolittleaboutyourownkidsandnotevencare?”

“Well,”Momsays,settingherwineglassdownontheporchandstandingtogo,“Ifthisisthewayyoufeel,thenI’dthinkyou’dbehappytoberidofme.I’llstayherewithJohn,andtakemyselfoffyourhandsforgood.”

“Forgood?Mom,beserious,”Sophiecries,exasperated,“You’vehadplentyofflingssincedaddied.Howisthisoneanydifferent?You’reputtingourfamily,ourhome,everythingatstakeforhim.Please,justtakeasecondtoconsider—”

“You’vegivenmeplentytoconsidertonight,”Momcutsheroff.“I’veapparentlyfailedyouasamother,isn’t

thatright?You’dbebetteroffwithoutme?”

“That’snotwhatwe’resayingatall,Mom,”Itellher,ahardknotfinallybeginningtoforminmythroat,“WhatI’vewantedmorethananythingelsesincedaddiedwasmymother.I’vealwayswantedyoutobeapartofmylife.Pleasedon’tmakethatimpossible.”

“Isee,”Momreplies,lookingaroundatallofusdisdainfully,“Well,girls.Thankyouformakingthisdecisionsoeasyforme.SinceI’mapparentlyincapableofbeingagoodmothertoyou,I’lljustgoaheadandbowout.SeeingasI’mimpossible.Anna,you’remorethanwelcometostayattheVermonthouseuntilit’ssold.ThoughIsuggest

findingotheraccommodationsquickly.I’msurethatpropertywillgetsnatchedupquick.”

Andjustlikethat,sheturnsonherheelandmarchesawayfromus.Turningherbackjustlikeshe’sdoneathousandtimesbefore.Icanfeelmyheartstrainingatthefaultlineswhereit’salreadybeenbroken—byDad’sdeath,thedissolutionofour

family,thedistancethat’sbuiltupbetweenmeandmybelovedsisters.Eventhoughourmother’saliveandwell,IfeellikeI’mabouttolosehernow,too.Althoughjudgingbytheeasewithwhichshewalksawayfromusnow,maybethatalreadyhappenedalongtimeago.

“Ijust…Ican’tbelieveher,”Sophiesays,silenttearsstreamingdownhercheeks.

“Ican,”Annarepliesflatly,takingabigsipofwine,“AsfarasI’mconcerned,thisisprettyin-characterforgoodol’Robin.”

“Doyouthinkshe’llreallystayherewithJohn?”Iaskthem,heartrattlinginmychest.“Maybeshe’sjustbluffing.”

“Nowshe’llstay,justtospiteus,”Sophiescoffsthrough

hertears.“Wheredoyouthinkyougotyourcompetitivestreakfrom,Maddie?We’vedaredtochallengeher.Nowwe’retheoneswhoaregoingtopay.”

Ileanheavilyagainstthechair,feelingpanicgrowinginthepitofmystomach.Againstmyowngoodsense,I’dletsomelittlepartofmyselfstarttobelievethatthistripdidn’tneedtobethe

endofmeandCash.Ifourparentsweresimplygoingtopartwaysafterthis,maybetherecouldhavebeensomefutureforus.Strangerthingshavehappened,right?ButsolongasMomandJohn’srelationshipismovingforward,harboringfantasiesaboutafuturewithCashisjustaskingforheartbreakdowntheline.

Andifthiswell-wornheartof

minebreaksonemoretime,I’mnotsuretherewillbeanyputtingitbacktogetheragain.

“Fuckher,”Sophiespitssuddenly,“Ifshecaresthatlittleaboutus,whydon’twejustfollowherlead?Whatifwejusttookastandandcutheroutofourlives,rightnow?Ifthethreeofusbrokeofffromher,thinkofhowmuchhappier—”

“Ifanyofuscouldstandtoabandonhercompletely,wewouldhavealready,”IcutSophieoff,“Nomatterhowbadlyshehurtsus,she’sstillfamily.That’snotsomethingyoucaneverforget.”

Alongsilenceengulfsus.Icanseeinmysisters’painedeyesthattheyknowthistruthaswellasIdo—familyisn’tsomethingyougettochooseforyourself.Evenifyou

estrangeyourself,disownyourroots,runasfarawayasyoucan,youcanneverentirelyseverthatbond.Didn’tthethreeofuscomerunningtothislakehousetheminuteourmothercalled?Didn’ttheHawthorneboysflockbackheretoo,despitetheirtoxicrelationshipswithJohn?Likeitornot,weareallourparentschildren.

Thequestionnowis,howdo

welearntolivewiththat?

ThegrowloftheHawthornes’pickuptrucksoundsoutinthenight,rumblingupthedrivewaytowardus.Throughthemud-speckedwindshield,IcanseethatCashisridingshotgunwhileJohndrives.LukeandFinnareridinginthetruckbedwithsomeleftoverconstructionmaterials.OnelookatJohn’ssolemn,

weatheredfaceisallittakestosendAnnadashingoffintothehouse.Shecan’tevenbearthesightofthemanwho’shelpingourmotherdisassembleourpast.Sophiegoesstockstillasthepickuppullstoastopinthedriveway.ButthesecondtheHawthornemenstartwalkingourway,sheboltsaswell.

I’mthesolesentryguardingJohn’spathasheapproaches,

flankedbyhissons.Myarmsarecrossedtightlyacrossmychest,barelyreigninginmyclamoringheart.Itakeinthesightofthisupstanding,beardedwoodsman,conflictingemotionschurningthroughmyblood.Ontheonehand,I’mgratefulthatmymother’sfoundsomeoneshecaresabout,assumingthatshedoes.Ineverexpectedorwantedhertobealoneforthe

restofherlife.Truly,I’dbethrilledifshefoundagoodmantolove.

Butatthesametime,I’mhavingtroublebelievingthatJohnisthatman.AftereverythingCashhastoldmeabouthisfather—theabuse,thedistrust,thecoldness—Ican’timaginehowhecouldbegoodformysensitive,flightymother.Imean,Johnmustknowthatsellingthe

Vermonthousewouldcrushmeandmysisters.Theonlythinghe’strulyignoranttoiswhatelseaunionbetweenhimandmymotherwouldruin.Namely,anychanceofCashbeingpartofmylife,inthewayIwanthimtobe.

“Heythere,Maddie,”Johnsaysfromthebottomstep,turninghishandsome,ruggedfacetowardme,“Youholdingdownthefortfor

us?”

“Somethinglikethat,”Ireply,huggingmyarmseventightertomychest.IwatchCash’sbrowfurrowashepicksuponmydistress.Ican’thideadamnthingfromhim.Notever.

“Where’sRobinandthegirls?”Johngoeson,noticingthearrayofuntouchedfoodandwineontheporch,“I

thoughtyouweregoingtohaveyourselvesagirlsnightorsomething?”

“Girlsnightwaskindofabust,”Itellthem.

“Oh.Whathappened?”Lukeasks,tuckinghishandsintohispockets.Hetriestosoundunattached,butI’msurehismindisonSophie.He’sprotectiveofher,forwhateverreason.AndwhileI

maynotknowthespecificsoftheirrelationship,Ican’tsayI’mnotgladthatthere’ssomeonelookingoutforher.

“Well,”Isayshortly,“Mombrokethenewsaboutmovinginherewithyourdad.Permanently.Andsellingourchildhoodhome.Sothatkindofputadamperonthings.”

Allthreeboys’whiparoundtofacetheirfather,whose

facehardensintostone.

“Dad…What?”Lukeaskshisfather.

“Ah,shit…”Johnsighs,rubbinghisjaw,“Imeanttotellyouboysmyself,but—”

Withoutsayingaword,Finnwalksoffaroundthehouse,hisfaceunreadable.Lukestaresathisfather,rightfullyindignant.ButCash’seyesswingbacktomyface

instead.HeknowsaswellasIdothatourparentsgettingmoreseriousmeansanendtous.Forgood.Andtheangrysorrowroilinginhiseyesisenoughtodomein.Itryandblinkbackthetearsthatgatherinmyeyes,butIknowtheleveeswon’tholdforlong.

“Dad,Ireallydon’tknowaboutthis,”Lukesays,tryingtoremaindiplomatic.

“There’snothingforyoutoknowabout,”Johnshootsbackgruffly,“RobinandIdecided,andnowit’sdone.”

“OK,but…It’sourhometoo,”Lukesaysslowly,hishandsclenching.

“Isit?”Johnlaughsinhismiddleson’sface,“Ididn’trealize.Doyoubuildthisdamnplaceupoutofnothing?Haveyoueverpaid

acenttolivehere?”

“AllImeanis,thisplaceisimportanttoallofus,”Lukegoesonheatedly.“Youcouldhavedoneusthecourtesyofasking—”

“Asking?”Johngrowls,roundingonLuke.“YouwantmetoaskyouforyourblessingtodoasIpleaseinmyowngoddamnhouse?”

Ajoltofrealfearpiercesme

asJohnlosescontrolofhistemper.Cashhastoldmestoriesabouthisdad’sangerissues,thewayhecanbetotallycalmoneminuteandthrowingpunchesthenext.Sofar,I’veneverseenithappen…butIgetthefeelingthat’sabouttochange.

“Ofcoursenot,Dad,”Luketellshisfather,“But—”

“Butnothing,”Johnshouts,

takingaloomingsteptowardhisson.ThoughtheHawthorneboyseachclearsixfeeteasily,Johnisstillthetallestbyacoupleofinches.Hisshouldersaresquaredasheallbutsnarlsdownathismiddleson,“Youmaypullyourweightaroundhere,Luke,butdon’tgettothinkingthatIneedyoursay-sotodoanythingIgoddamnplease.”

“Don’tgetinmyface,Dad,”Lukewarnshisfather,holdinghisground.

“What’sthat?”Johnsnarls,givingLukeahardshoveinthechest.

“Hey!”Cashsnaps,takingaquicksteptowardthem.

“Stayoutofthis,”Johntellshisoldestson.

Lukeliftshischindefiantly,

unwillingtobackdown.Igrabholdoftheporchrailing,adrenalinecoursingthroughmybody.I’veneverbeenaroundthissortofraw,physicalaggressionbefore.AndIcertainlydon’twanttobenow.

“YouthinkIoweyousomekindofexplanation?”Johngoeson,backingLukeacrossthelawn,“I’veputaroofoveryourheadsandfoodon

yourplatesfortwenty-sixgoddamnyears.I’mhandingovermybusiness—thebusinessIbuiltfromscratch—rightonovertoyouwithoutyouhavingtoliftafinger.Don’ttellmeIoweyouanything.”

“Withouthavingtoliftafinger?”Lukesnaps,stoppingdeadinhistracks,“I’vebeenbustingmyassforthatbusinesssinceIwasakid.

I’vedevotedmywholelifetothisfamily.Doyouhaveanyidea—”

“Don’tyouraiseyourgoddamnvoicetome,”Johnsnarls,jabbingafingerintoLuke’shardchest.

“Don’tyoulayafuckingfingeronme,”Lukeshootsback,knockinghisfather’sarmaway.“Haven’tyouhadyourfillofbeatingupon—”

IleapbackasJohnthrowshimselfatLuke,tacklinghimtotheground.Theyrollacrossthegrass,atangleoflimbsandflyingfists.Cashlungestowardthemattopspeed,throwinghimselfintothefray.

“Getthefuckoffhim,Dad!”heroars,dragginghisfatherawayfromLuke.

JohnloseshisfootingasCash

getsholdofhim.LukescramblestohisfeetashisdadroundsonCash,swingingwildly.Cashdodgeseveryblow—andIcanseenowthathe’susedtocounteringhisfather’sattacks.Johnmovesthroughthesemotionswithoutremorse,withoutsurprise.It’ssomethingtheHawthorneboyshavebeentrainedtoexpectalltheirlives.Butasmanytimesas

JohnswingsatCash,Cashrefusestostooptohislevel.Hefinallymanagestopinhisfather’sarmsbehindhisback,thoughtherestrainingholdonlyseemstomakeJohnangrier.

“Letmego,”heroars,writhingfuriously.

“Notuntilyoustanddown,”Cashanswers,hisvoicesurprisinglycalm.Irealize

thatitwasn’tjusthischildhoodthatpreparedhimtotakeonhisdad,itwashisArmytrainingtoo.CashcouldprobablylevelJohnwithwhathelearnedinthemilitary,butherefusestopickonaweakerman…whetherweakerofbodyorweakerofcharacter.

“Nowyouwanttobefuckingnoble,”Johngrowls,pullingfreeofCashatlastand

pacingawayfromhissons,“AfterthrowingawayeverythingIgaveyou,wastingeveryopportunity,andfuckinguptheonethingyoueverdidcommitto,youwanttocomebackhereandsavetheday?Notgonnahappen,kid.”

“Don’tworryDad,”Cashsaysthroughgrittedteeth,“Igaveupontryingtosaveyoualongtimeago.”

WordlessragesmothersJohn’sresponse.Theweatheredoldmanspitsonthegrassathisfeetandturnsaway,stormingoffintothehouse.Icringeawayashebrushespastme,mywholebeingrepulsedbyhim.Hedoesn’tknowthefirstthingabouthisoldestson.Hownoblehereallyis.Andtothink,heandmymotherarethereasonwe’llneverbe

togetherthewaywewant.

Maybetheyreallydodeserveeachother.

“Thanks,”Lukesaysgruffly,rubbinghisshoulder,“Fortheassist,Imean.”

“Ofcourse,”Cashsays,matter-of-factly,“Youmaybeabigdumbjock,butyou’restillmybrother.”

Lukeletsoutashortlaugh

and,tomysurprise,throwshisarmsaroundCash.Theyhugquickly,fiercely—poundingeachotheronthebackbeforebreakingaway.Lukedoesn’tevenlookatmeashetakesoffaroundthehouse.Ihavethefeelinghismindisotherwiseoccupied.Asheroundsthecorneranddisappearsfromsight,thefearandanxietythatI’vebeenholdingbackcome

floodingthroughmybody.Isinkdownontotheporchsteps,lettingmyfacefallintomyhands.Tearsstreamthroughmyfingers,unabletobecontained,asCashrushestome.

“It’sallright,”hemurmurs,wrappingmeupinhisarms,“It’sallright,Maddie.”

“H-howcanyousaythat?”Isob,curlingagainstthe

shelterofhisbody,“Everything’sgoingtoshit,Cash.”

“LasttimeIchecked,”hereplies,smoothingthehairoutofmyface,“Everything’sshitmoreoftenthannot.GuessI’mjustusedtoit.”

“Butwhy,”Iinsist,pullingbacktolookupathisgleaminghazeleyes,“Whygetusedtoit?Whysettlefor

beingmiserableyourwholelife?”

“Ididn’trealizeIwaslivingsuchamiserablelife,”hesays,jawpulsing.

“YourdadjusttriedtobeattheshitoutofyouandLuke,”Icry,“He’sinvitedawomanyoubarelyknowtoliveinyourhome—”

“Thisisn’tmyhome,Maddie,”Cashtellsme

firmly,“AndthatmanIjustkeptfrompunchingLuke’steethin?Hemaybemyfather,butIgaveuponhimactinglikeadecentdadalongtimeago.”

“Soyoujustdon’tcare?”Ipresshim,pullingawayfromhistightembrace,“Ourparentsareruininganychanceofusbeingineachothers’livesoncethistripisover,andthat’sjustfineby

you?”

“LastIheardfromyou,thatwasoutofthequestionanyway,”heshootsbackangrily,sittingbackawayfromme.“Youmadeitprettyclearthatyoudidn’twanttoseemeagainonceweleavehere,Maddie.”

“Ithoughtthat’swhatyouwanted,”Itellhim,“Shit,Cash.Thisthingbetweenus

wassupposedtobeaonenightstand.Nostringsattached.HowwasIsupposedtotellyouthatIwasstartingtofallforyou?”

HisgazeishardonmyfaceasIrealizewhatI’vesaid.WhatI’veownedupto.

“Youshouldhavejusttoldme,”hesaysfirmly,“That’swhatyoushouldhavedone.Insteadoftryingtoguessat

whatIwanted,orjustassumingthatIwantedaquick,easyfuck‘causeI’maguy.That’swhereyoufuckedup,Maddie.”

“I-I’msorry,”Itellhim,blinkingbackthenextwaveoftears.

“I’vealwaysbeenhonestwithyou,”heshootsback,hisfacestony,“I’vebeenmorehonestwithyouthananyone.

Ever.Whydon’tyoutrustmeenoughtodothesame?”

“Ididn’tknowI’dbeabletotrustyou,Cash,”Isayaroundtheknotinmythroat,“Youwerejustahandsomestrangeratabar.Ididn’tthinkyou’dturnouttobe…you.”

“Andnow?”hedemands,plantinghiselbowsonhisknees,“Doyoutrustme

now?”

“Ofcourse,”Ibreathe,placingmyhandsonhisarm.Buthetugsawayfromme;myfingersclosearoundair.

“Thenwhydon’tyoutellmewhatitisyouactuallywanthere,Maddie?”hesays,histonecoolandmeasured,“Nogames,foronce.Givemethetruth.Doyouwanttocutthisthingoffwhenweleavehere

ornot?”

“Evenifwebothwantedtoseethisthrough,”Ibeginshakily,“It’soutofourhands,now.Ourparentswillbelivingtogether,Cash.Asacouple.Don’tyouknowwhatthatmeans?Wecan’tkeepseeingeachother,letalone—”

“That’snotwhatIasked,dammit,”hegrowls,shoving

ahandthroughhisdarkcurls,“Iaskedwhatyouwanted,Maddie.”

“HowcanIknowthat?”Icry,exasperated,“ThethingIwouldreallywantisn’tevenpossibleany—”

“Justsayit,”hepresses,handsclenchedangrily,“Whatdoyouwant.”

“Iwantyoutohavebeenastranger,”Isayinarush,

reachingforhishardenedfists,“IwantyoutobeanythingbutaHawthorne.IwanttobeanythingbutaPorter.Butthere’snothingwecandotochangethat,Cash.Nothing.”

“It’snotascutanddryasthat,”hesays,grabbingholdofmyhands,“Wedon’thavetogivethemthatpoweroverus.Youcan’tchooseyourfamily,Maddie.Butyoucan

choosetoleaveitbehind.”

“What?”Ibreathe,“Whatdoyoumean,leaveitbehind?”

“JustwhatIsaid,”hegoesonfiercely,“Wedon’towethemanything,Maddie.Ourparents.We’vehadtofendforourselvesallthistime,keepafloathoweverwecould.They’veonlyeverweighedusdown.Whynotcastthemoff?”

“Youreallythinkyoucoulddothat?”Ichallengehim,“Cutyourfatheroutofyourlife,justlikethat?”

“Hecuthimselfout,”Cashsaysfirmly,“Idon’tmindreturningthefavor.”

“Andyourbrothers?”Idemand,“Youcouldturnyourbackonthem,too?LukeandFinn,themenyou’vebeenprotectingyourwhole

life?”

“Idon’t—Iwouldn’t—”Cashstammers,hisvoicefalteringforthefirsttimesinceI’veknownhim.“They’renotapartofthis.”

“Weallare,”Itellhim,myvoiceheavywithremorse,“Youcan’tjustcarveoutpartofyourfamily,withouthurtingthelotofthem.Youknowthat,Cash.”

“Idon’tknowanysuchgoddamnthing,”hesnapsback,“ButatleastI’mwillingtofigureitout.I’mwillingtotryforyou,Maddie.”

“Yousaythat…”Isaysoftly,“ButIcan’tshakethefeelingthatIknowhowthiswillend,Cash.Ifwetrytokeepgoing.It’sgoingtoendinusgettinghurt.Bad.”

“Soyou’djustassoongive

up,”hesays.It’sastatement,notaquestion.AndastatementIhaveabsolutelynoresponseto.

“Cash,”Iplead,“Please,tryandunderstand.Thisthingbetweenus…it’shuge.Thekindofhugethatcouldmakeorbreakalifetime.Andrightnow,we’retoeingthepointofnoreturn.Ifwetakeonemorestep,wecouldruineachother…”

“Or?”hesays,hisvoicelowandrasping.

“It’stoohardtothinkabout‘or’,”Iwhisper,“BecauseIknowthat‘or’couldbethebestthingthateverhappenedtome…butI’llnevergettoknowforsure.”

“SoIdon’tgetasayinthis,”hesnarls,tearinghiseyesawayfrommyface,“You’rejustgoingtodowhateverthe

hellyouwant,isthatit?Whateverkeepsyoufromfeelinganounceofpain?Jesus,Maddie.Gettinganythingatallworthhavingisgonnahurtlikeabitch.Iknowyou’restrongenoughtotakeit.Whycan’tyoujusttrustyourselftobe—”

“Idon’tknow,”Icryout,leapingtomyfeet,“AllIknowis…ThatIneedasecond,here.Ineedtothink.

Ineed…Ineedtogetoutofthisplace.”

“Youwanttoleave?Justlikethat?”Cashasks,takenaback,“Maddie—”

“Ican’tstay,”Itellhim,pacingthedew-soakedgrass,“Whatjusthappenedwithmeandmymom,everythingshesaid…Andyourdad,Christ—Idon’tevenknowifIfeelsafearoundhim.Ican’tthink

aboutsomethingasimportantandyouandmewithallthisshitgoingon—”

“Ifyouleavenow,”Cashsays,catchingmebythearms,“HowdoIknowI’lleverseeyouagain?”

“Youdon’t,”Iwhisper,keepingmyeyestrainedonhis,“Ican’tgiveyouanycertainty,Cash.Ican’tleaveyouwithanythingbutyour

ownfaithinus.I’m…I’msosorry.”

Hestaresatmeforalong,hardmoment,searchingdeepintomysoulforananswer,anexplanation…butthere’snonetobefound.Ihavenoideawhat’sgoingtohappennext;tome,tohim,toourfamilies.ButI’mcertainthatIhavetogo.Rightnow.I’mdrowning,here.Ican’tclearmyheaduntilI’mbackon

dryland,backinmyreallifethatI’vebuiltinSeattle.Thelifethatdoesn’tincludeCashHawthorne.

Hiseyeshardenasherealizesthatthere’snothinghecando.Heletshishandsdropfrommyarms,takesastepawayfromme.Thefirststepofmanythatwillcarryusbothbacktothelivesweknow.Theacheinmycoreasthisnew,irresolvable

distancespringsupbetweenusiswrenching,nearlyintolerable.Icanonlyhopethateachstepgetsalittleeasier…whethertheyleadusbacktoeachotherornot.

“Fine,”herasps,rubbinghissharpjaw.“Dowhatyou’regoingtodo,Porter.Justdon’texpectmetoshowupbeggingatyourdoorstep.I’mnotthetypetogetdownonmyknees.”

Andwiththat,heturnsawayfromme.Hestridesacrossthewidelawnwithcoldpurpose,rippingopenthedriver’ssidedoorofthepickup.Theengineroarstolifeasblindingheadlightstearthroughthegatheringtwilight.Withoutapartingglance,Cashpeelsoutofthedriveway,tearingoffattopspeed.Asthesoundoftheracingtruckfadesaway,

nature’snighttimeorchestraswellstofillthesilence.

AhollowchasmtearsopeninsideofmeasIgotocollectmythings…Ihaveafeelingthatnothingwilleverfillthatspaceagain.

ChapterTen

NooneeventriestostopmeasItakemyhastyleavefromthelakehouse.Mymom,John,theHawthorneboys,andevenmysistershaveallscatteredforthenight.

Everyoneisbusylickingtheirwoundsbehindcloseddoors.Buthey—that’salwayshowwe’vedonethingsinthePorterhouse.Everywomanforherself.MaybewehavemoreincommonwiththeHawthornesthanIthought.

Byrights,Ishouldbeawreckrightnow;sobbing,screaming,andtearingoutmyhair.ButasIhaulmysuitcasebacktomycarand

settleinbehindthewheel,Ijustfeel…nothing.Nothingbutanindifferentnumbness.AsIpullawayfromtheHawthornehouse,IhavethefleetinghopethatCashmightinterceptmeonthewayout.Maybehe’llhavecomeupwithsomebrilliantsolutiontoourquandary.Maybehe’llblockmyway,refusetoletmego.Maybehe’lljustholdme—nothingcouldseem

hopelesswithhisarmsaroundme.

Butofcourse,Cashdoesn’tmiraculouslyappearasIfleefromthelakehouse,cuttingourtimeheretogetherinhalf.Isetofftoretracemyroutehomeunimpeded.ThemanI’vefallenforthisweekisn’tamirage,afterall.He’snotanideal,unattainablefantasy.He’saperson.Areal,complicated,deeplyflawed

personwhoIdesperatelywishcouldbeapartofmylife.

Here’shopingIdidn’tjustruinthechancesofmakingthatwishcometrue.

Idriveuntilmyeyesareblearywithsleeplessness.AsIhitthehalfwaypointinmyjourneyandcrossthestateline,afamiliarneonsigncatchesmyeye.“Drink

Here,”itcommandsfromthesideoftheroad.Iletmylipsopenasalaughrisesinmythroat—butthesoundcomesoutasaraggedsobinstead.AsIspeedpastthebarwhereIfirstlaideyesonCash,theplacewherewespentourfirstnighttogether,mynumbnessfinallygiveswaytosharp,slicingpain.

AndhereIthoughtIwasgoingtogetawaywithalittle

caseoftheblues.

Iblowpastthenow-familiarmotel,unwillingtotakemyfootoffthegas.Icouldn’tbeartorevisittheplacewhereIfirstlaideyesonCash.Theroomwherewespentourfirstnighttogether.It’sstupidtokeepdrivinginthisstate—reckless,even.Butatthispoint,I’mracingmydespairhome.IfIcanjustmakeitthroughthenexteighthours,

Icanfalltopiecesinthefamiliarmouseholethatismylonelyapartment.ThecomfortofprivacyisallIcanhopefornow.

It’searlySundaymorningbeforeIeaseopenthefrontdoorofmySeattlestudioonceagain.MybodyachesfrommydesperateflightasIwranglemysuitcasethroughthedoor.EverythingisjustasIleftitaweekago,downto

theemptybottleofwineonthecounter.Butthenormalcyofthisplacedoesn’tstabilizemethewayIthoughtitwould.It’sallthemoredisorienting,steppingbackintotheflowofmyreallife.Goingfromthewhirlwind,breathtaking,full-throttlespreeofthispastweektothemind-numbinglynormalisgivingmeseriousemotionalwhiplash.Forlackofabetter

idea,Ileavemysuitcasebythedoorandsprawloutonmynarrowbed.Ican’tmusterthewilltodomuchelse.

ThesecondIhearmyphonechirp,however,aboltofenergylightsmeupfromtheinside.Ispringacrosstheroom,prayingthatCashhassentsomeword,anywordatall.ButmyhopedashesitselfontherocksasIlookdownat

thescreenandseeSophie’sname.

Swallowingasigh,Itapoutashortreply.

Ican’tthinkofwhatelsetotellmylittlesister.IalmostwishIcouldconfideinheraboutwhat’sbeengoingonwithCash.ButdoingthatwouldmeantellingherhowI’vebeenconsideringallbut

cuttingmyselfoutofthefamilyforhissake.Ourrelationshipisstrainedenoughasitis.Idon’twantittosnapbecauseofabadlytimedtext.ButbeforeIcanworkoutareply,Sophiegoeson.

Ismilesadlyinmyemptyapartment.Despiteherhardedge,Sophie’salwayshada

secretsoftspotformeandAnna.Thethreeofusarelikewarbuddies,inaway—havinggonethroughthetraumaofourfather’sdeathandourmother’scollapsetogether.Eventhoughourbattlesaredistinct,nowthatwe’readults,we’llalwaysberootingforeachotherfromourrespectivefronts.

TheonlywayIknowhowto

takecareofmyselfatatimelikethisiswithagood,longsessionofgirltalk,sometrashytakeout,andabottleofsomethingfermented.AndIthinkIknowhowIcangetaholdofallthree.

IpullupAllie’snumberfrommycontactsandwaitforthehealingtocommence.

It’sonlybythegraceofAllie

thatImakeitthroughmyfirstdaywithoutCash.SheracesovertomyapartmentthesecondItellherI’mhomeearly,andthatIneedher.It’sonlywhenshearrivesthatItrulyletmyselffalltopieces.She’smybestfriendintheworld,theonlypersonwhowasthereformewhenInearlydroppedoutofschool,aftermydaddied.AsIletloosethetorrentofmy

conflictedpain,shedoesn’tevenaskfordetails.I’lltellherwhatIcan,intime.Butfornow,Ijustneedafriend.

Thecomingweekloomsbeforeme,dauntingforitsemptiness.Istillhaveaweekofvacationtimeleft.Mybossesaren’texpectingmebackuntilthefollowingMonday.ThatmeansIhavenothingtodoforthenextsevendaysbutwallowinmy

ownself-pityandloneliness…Andthat’sjustnotsomethingIcanbear.

Ashardasitis,Itrytokeepmyselfbusy.Idriveouttomyfavoritehikingspotsoutsidethecity,walkingalldaytodrivethoughtsofCashfrommymind.Itearthroughallmyfavoritebooks,willingthemtosweepmeawaytoworldsfarawayfrommyown.Butsomepartofme

alwaysstaysanchoredinthinkingofhim—wonderingifhe’scalled,hopingthathehasn’twrittenmeoff,andwishingthathe’dshowupundermywindowwithagoddamnboomboxlikeinthemovies.

Butasthedayswearon,there’snosignofCashHawthorne.Nocalls,notexts,nosuddenappearances.Hewasn’tkiddingaboutthe

ballbeinginmycourt,now.IfonlyIknewwhatmynextplaymightbe.

***

“Heythere,Mads!Longtimenosee.”

Iglanceupfrommyofficelaptopwithatightsmileformyboss,Brian(i.e.Mr.

Intriguing).It’smyfirstdaybackatReImaged,butmybrainstillfeelsamillionmilesaway.TheonlyactivityI’vemanagedtodothismorningisrunendlesslythroughallthereasonsIshouldn’tcarethatIstillhaven’theardfromCash.It’sbeenmorethanaweeksincewepartedways,andI’veyettohearaword.IkeeptellingmyselfthatI’vemovedfrom

despairtobegrudgingacceptanceofourseparation…MaybeifIthinkitenoughtimes,it’llsomehowbecometrue.

“Hopeyou’refeelingniceandrestedafteryourtrip,”Briangoeson,rappingonmydeskwithhisknuckles.He’sinhismid-thirties,tallandlankywithaneagersmileandaSiliconValleybro’swardrobe.Brian’sthegood

coptohisbusinesspartnerCarol’sbadcop,butI’mhavingalittletroublematchinghisenthusiasmthismorning.

“Ohyeah.Montanawasveryrelaxing,”Itellhim.

“Hmm.Montana,”Briansays,noddinghishead,“Ineverconsidervacationingthere.Veryintriguing…”

Acrosstheroom,Allie

glancesupfromhercomputerandcocksaneyebrowatme.IactuallyfeellikesmilingasBrianuttershisbuzzwordforthefirstofmanytimestoday.Maybethiswholeassimilatingbackintomyreallifethingwon’tbesoimpossibleafterall.

“Teammeetinginfive,”saysano-nonsensevoicefromthedoorwaytotheconferenceroom.IlookuptoseeCarol

there,hereyesgluedtohersmartphone,asever.

“Great,”Briansmiles,“Allie,Maddie,we’regonnaneed100%frombothofyouforthisnextcampaign,sogetreadytodivein.”

“Oh.Maddie.You’reback,”Carolsays,glancingupatmeforhalfasecond.

“Yep,”Ireply,“Ijustgotbackfrom—”

Butshedisappearsfromviewwithoutanotherword,completelyblowingmeoff.Afewyearsago,I’dbemiffed.ButI’vegottenprettyusedtoCarol’scompletelackofpeopleskillssinceIstartedworkinghere.There’sareasonAllieandIhavetheclient-facingjobsatthisbusiness.Youknow—thejobsthatactuallyrequirespeakingwithrealhumans.

AsIstartgatheringmythingsforthemeeting,Isneakanotherlookatmycellphone.StillnomessagesfromCash—justanendlessstreamofpassiveaggressivetextsfrommymother.Asperusual.Allie’shandclosesaroundmywristasIstarewistfullyatthescreen,andIlookupbashfullyatmyredheadedpartnerincrime.

“Whydon’tyoujusttexthim

first?”sheasksme,“It’sbeenawholeweek,forChrist’ssake.Youhavearighttoknowwhereyoustandwithhim,Maddie.”

Istuffmycellbackintomydeskdrawer,atinytwingeofguilttuggingatmyconscience.Alliehasbeenasaintallthroughmymoping/movingonefforts.Fromthemomentsheshowedupatmyapartmentthatfirst

SundaywiththreekindsofOreos,agiganticbottleofSauvignonBlanc,andaveryabsorbentshouldertocryon,she’sbeenmysavior.ItoldheralmosteverythingaboutthesituationwithCashwhilewebinge-watchedaboutaseasonandahalfofGilmoreGirls.Emphasisonthealmost.Ifilledherinoneveryaspectofourrelationshipapartfromthe

wholealmost-kinda-relatedthing.I’mstillwrappingmyheadaroundhowIfeelaboutthat—Ididn’twanttospringitonheroutofnowhere.Icouldn'tbearitifshethoughtmyfeelingsforhimwerestrange,pervertedeven.Butnottellingheriswearingonme,too.

“Idon’twanttomakethingsanyworse,”Itellher,snappingmylaptopshut.

“Besides,IstillneedtofigureoutwhatIactuallywant.”

“Youwanthim,”Allierepliesbluntly,“Thatmuchisabundantlyapparent.Idon’tseewhyyou’renotwillingtogivelongdistanceashot.Skypesexisactuallykindoffun!”

“Youneverceasetoamazeme,MissMcCain,”Icuttheconversationshortasweset

offfortheconferenceroomtogether.God.IfonlythesingleobstaclestandinginmyandCash’swaywasalittledistance.

CarolandBrianarealreadysittingatoppositeheadsoftheconferencetablewhenAllieandIarrive.SheandIwillbetag-teamingthisnextcampaignforAsphaltdenim,anundertakingthattotallyslippedmymindwhileIwas

inCash’sorbitthispastweek.Anotherreasontokeepmydistancefromhimforthetimebeing—I’vegotsomeseriousworkaheadofme.Myjob’sbeenthemostimportantthinginmylifeforyears.It’sbafflingtohavefoundsomethingthatevenremotelychallengesitsholdonme.Butthenagain,plentyofthingsaboutCashbafflethehelloutofme.

“OK!”Briansays,clappinghishandstogetherasAllieandIsitdownatthetable,“Let’stalkdenim,ladies!Thiscampaignisgoingtobeabigoneforus.We’veneverhadaclientinfashionbefore,andAsphaltwantsthefullReImagedtreatment.Ifeverythinggoeswell,thiswillbequitethefeatherinbothyourcaps.”

“Well,youknowhowIlove

toaccessorize,”Alliesmilesbackathim.“I’lltakeanextrafeatheranyday.”

“Right,”Carolsaysdryly,tappingafewkeysonherlaptop.Athercommand,aprojectionscreenlowersdownfromtheceiling,apresentationaboutournextclientallqueuedup.“Asphalthasbeenveryspecificabouttheirneedsforthiscampaign,”shegoeson.

“We’regoingtohelpthemplanseveralliveeventsthatunderscorethemoreruggedsideoftheirprofile.Theirnewmen’slineislesshigh-fashion,morerough-and-tumble.”

“So…Livehardrockbands,industrialspaces,partneringwithsomeliquorcompanies…”Ispitball,imaginingpossibleanglesforAsphalt’srebrandingefforts.

“That’sexactlyright.Greatinstincts,Maddie,”Briansays,bobbinghishead,“Asyouknow,theclient’scurrentreputationskewsabitelite.Theywantustohelpbringthemdowntoearth.Lettheconsumersknowthat‘realmenrockAsphalt’.”

“Oof.Ihopethat’snotthefinaltagline,”Carolwinces.

“Realmen,huh?”Allie

echoes,hervoicetakingonastrange,agitatedtone.Shemakesashowoftappingherfingertipsonthetable,playingatthinkinghard.Iknowherwellenoughtoknowwhenshe’suptosomething.“Whydon’tweleanintothatangle?”shecontinues.

“Goon,”Carolallows,sittingbackinherleatherchair.

“Whatifwecouldfindwaystoincorporatesomebrandambassadorsintotheevents?Maybeevensomeinthegeneralmarketingcampaigniftheclientisintoit,”Alliegoeson.“Asphaltisawestcoastbrand.Whatifwefoundlocalguys—smallbusinessowners,workingmen,cowboytypes—tofeatureintheadcampaignforthenewline?”

“Huh…Guysyoucouldmeetonthestreet,insteadofprofessionalmodels,”Carolsays,pickinguponherwavelength.

“Orguysyoucouldmeetatabar,”sheshootsback,amischievousglintinhereye.

Mystomachflipsoverasagrinspreadsacrossmybestfriend’sface.

“Uh.Yeah.IthinkIsee

whereyou’regoingwiththis…”Isay,shootingheralookthatclearlyasks,Whatthehellareyouupto,lady?

“I’mlikingthisdirection,”Briansays,“Veryintriguing.”

“HowdoyouseethisplayingoutintheAsphaltcampaign?”CarolquizzesAllie.

“Alotofvideocontent,mostly,”Alliegoeson

withoutmissingabeat,“Wecanproduceshortdocumentary-stylespotsofallthemenwefind,showthemintheirplacesofworkwearingthenewAsphaltline,havesomeinterviewfootagewheretheytalkabouttheirsuper-manlyjobsandwhatnot.Wecanhavethevideosrunningallthroughouttheeventspaces,giveguestsandinvestorssomethingto

interactwith.”

“Somoreatmospheric…Isee…”Carolsays,noddingslowlyassheprocesses.

“Whatkindofmanareweimagininghere,exactly?”Brianpileson,handsclaspedonthetable,“Whocanweuseasapointofreference?”

“Actually,”Alliereplies,swinginghergreeneyesmyway,“IthinkMaddiehasa

greatleadonthisone.”

BrianandCarolturntofacemeasIfeelthecolordrainoutofmyface.WhatthehellkindofschemedoesAlliehaveuphersleeve?BeforeIcandiffusethesituation,Allie’smadeherwayaroundtoCarol’slaptopandpulledupanewscreen.IswallowagaspasCashHawthorne’ssculpted,wrylygrinningfaceappearsrightthereonthe

projectionscreen.Areal,painfulpangoflongingtwistsmycoreatthesightofhim,andforalongmomentI’mrenderedspeechless.

“Anacquaintanceofyours?”Carolasksme,herowngazelingeringhardonCash’sgorgeousface.

“Inasense,”Isayfaintly,shootingAllieahelplesslook.

“ThisisCashHawthorne,”myfriendcontinues,“MaddiemethimwhileshewasinMontana.Ipulledthisphotofromhisbusiness’swebsite.Hefixesmotorcyclesatashopheownsnearthestateline.He’sanArmyvet,atattooandMMAenthusiast,andanoutdoorsman.Ithinkhecouldbeexactlythekindofguywe’relookingfor,here.”

“Youforgottomentionthefactthathe’ssexyashell,”Carolsaysappreciatively.

Youhavenoidea,Ithinktomyself,blushingastheimageofCashstandinginthealtogetheronthelakethatmorningofoursunrisefuckspringstomind.

“Isaywemoveonnailingthisguydown,”Briansays,“He’dbeperfectforthis

campaign.Tough,authentic,utterlyintriguing.Howsooncanwemakethishappen?”

“Whoa,whoa…”Icutin,layingmyhandsonthetable,“Noneedtobehasty,here.Wecanatleastdiscusssomeothercandidates—”

“Whybother?”Carolsaysbluntly,“ThisCashpersonisagreatfit.Wecan’taffordtodawdlehere,Maddie.Asphalt

hasusonatightdeadline.Youknowthisbusinessisaboutcreatingaballsycampaign,notaperfectone.Besides,Alliesaysyouknowthisguy.Wealreadyhaveanin!”

Alliesmilesatmeacrossthetable,shootingmeawinkbehindourbosses’back.Ican’tbelieveshemanagedtopullthisoff.Morethanthat—Ican’tbelieveshe’dgo

throughallthistroublejusttogetmebackonspeakingtermswithCash.Ontheonehand,she’sgoneaboveandbeyondbestfriendduty,here.Ontheother,she’salsoseriouslycrossedthelinebytakingthereinsonthis.Shedoesn’tevenknowthefullstory,allthetroublingcomplications,allthewaysinwhichthisrelationshipcouldruinCashandIboth.

ButIcan’tthinkaboutthatnow.Rightnow,mybossesarebothlookingatmeexpectantly,pleasedaspunchthatIjusthappentoknowtheexacthunktheywanttohire.Ihavenolegitimateexcusenottofollowthrough,norecoursetobackdownorpawnthecampaignoffonsomeoneelse.Allie’splanwasflawless.Ihavenochoicebuttogowithit.

“Iguessyou’reright,”Ismilethroughgrittedteeth,“Mr.Hawthornewouldbeanexcellentfitforourcampaign.”

“Iknewyou’dthinkso,”Allierepliesacrossthetable,foldingherhandscontentedlybehindherback,“That’swhyItookthelibertyofreachingouttoseeifhe’dbeavailableforameetingthisafternoon.”

Theconferenceroomspinsmadlyaroundmeaspanicandexcitementbattleforcontrolofmymindandheart.Goodgod,thiswomanworksfast.

“LovetheinitiativeAllie,”Briansays.

“Isheavailable,then?”Carolasks.

“Heis,”Alliereplies,“Heworkslongdaysathisbike

shop,buthesaidhecouldtakeafewminutestoansweracoupleofinitialquestions.He’sexpectingarepresentativefromouragencylaterthisafternoon.”

“Ishelocal?”Brianasks.

“Notquite,”Allieshrugs,“Buthe’sworththetrip.Wecouldjustdoaphoneinterview,butifyouguysarealreadysold,Ithinkaface-to-

facemeetwouldbepreferable.”

“Agreed,”Carolsays,“That’swhatyoutwoexcelat—face-to-faceinteraction.Maddie,youshouldtakethisfirstmeeting,sinceyoualreadyknowMr.Hawthorne.”

“Oh.But,”Istammer,lookingbackandforthbetweenmybosses,“Alliecouldtotallytakethisone,

too.She’stheonewhoreachedout,afterall—”

“No,no,”Carolcutsmeoff,“Itshouldbeyou.Taketheafternoonandpayavisit.”

“Butit’sthemiddleofaworkday,”Iprotestweakly.

“WhichiswhyI’maskingyoutoworkonthisassignment,”Carolreplies,outofpatiencewithmypussyfooting.“What’sthe

problem,Madeleine?”

“Noproblem,”Irushtoassureher,myhearthammeringagainstmyribs,“I’lljust…goandpayMr.Hawthorneavisit.Seeifhe’sinterestedin…workingwithus.”

“Super,”Briansmiles,clappinghishandstogether.“Whatastrokeofluckthatyouhappenedtorunintothis

guy!Howdidyoutwomeet,anyway?”

“He’s…Uh…”Isplutter,searchingfortherightwords,“Afriendofthefamily.”

“Excellent,excellent,”Briangoeson,noddinghishead,“Youknowwhattheysay,‘Keepitinthefamily!’”

Iwranglemyfaceintoaplacidsmile,despitethefactthatIwantnothingmorein

thismomentthanforatrapdoortoopenupbeneathmychairandswallowmewhole.

“Youcanheadoutrightaway,Maddie,”Caroltellsme,“Allie,whydon’tyoukeepresearchingpotentialcandidates?BrianandIwilldiscusssomemorelogisticswhileyoutwogettowork.”

“Soundsgood!”Alliechirps,walkingaroundthetable

towardme.“Comeon,”shesays,“Wecanchatonthewaytoyourcar.”

Ipullmyselfnumblytomyfeet,feelingasthoughI’vestumbledintosomealternatereality.Myreallifeandthebackwoodsfantasyoflastweekareracingtowardeachother,setforacollisioncourse.WillIevenbeabletohandlethesetwoseparatepartsofmylifecoming

together?OrwillIbeleveledbythewrecktheirmeetingissuretocause?

“Allie,whatthehellareyoudoing?”Ihisstomyevilgeniusofafriend,thesecondwe’reoutofearshot.

“Atthemoment,I’mwalkingyoudirectlytoyourcartomakesureyoudon’tbolt,”sherepliessmoothly,takingmebytheelbow.

“YouknowwhatImean,”Ishootback,hurryingtowardthefrontdoorsoftheoffice.Alittlefreshairsoundsprettygoodrightaboutnow.

“Oh,youmeanthewhole‘makingsureyoudon’tblowitwiththeoneguyyou’veactuallycaredforinyears’thing?”Alliereplies.

“Yes,”Ibreathe,pushingopenthefrontdoorand

rushingoutintotheovercastafternoon,“ThatisexactlywhatImean.”

“Maddie,IadmitthatwhatIdidbacktherewas…unorthodox,”mybestfriendallows,layingherhandsonmyshoulders.“ButIcouldn’tjustletyouwatchasyourchancewiththisguyslippedaway.Ihadtostepin.”

“Youshouldhaveaskedme,”Ireply,exasperated,“Oratleastwarnedme.NowIhavetodrivehalfwayacrossthestateandconfrontthemanI’vebeenpiningawayfor—”

“Aha!Youadmitit!”Allieroarstriumphantly,“Youhavebeenpining.”

“I’mnot—Ididn’t—”Istutter,“Goddammit,Allie.Thisisn’tfunny.Thisismy

wholelifeyou’reinterferingwith,now.Mycareer,myfamily—”

“Whatdoesyourfamilyhavetodowithit?”shecutsmeoff.“Ithoughtyourparentswerefriends?Sowhatifit’satinybitawkward,they’llgetoverit.Istilldon’tunderstandwhattheproblemis.”

“Let’sjustsay

there’s….somehistory,”Ireply,avertingmyeyes.

“Well,fuckhistory,”shesaysadamantly,takingmebythehandandleadingmeovertomycar.“Youcan’tchangeanythingthat’shappenedtoyouoryourfamily,Maddie.Youonlyhavecontroloverwhathappensrighthere,rightnow.Youonlygettomakesomanychoicesinyourlife.Usually,thingsareoutof

yourhands,andyoujusthavetotakewhatyou’regiven.ButyouhaveachoicewithCash,Maddie.Youcanchoosetogogethim,orchoosetolethimgo.Now,Imayhavegonetoofar,gettingintouchwithhim,butit’sonlybecauseIcanseehowmuchyouwanthiminyourlife.Youcanbemadatmeallyoulike,butIwon’tletyouspendtherestofyour

lifebeingmadatyourselfforfuckingthisup.Ican’t.Iloveyoutoomuch.”

“Allie…”Ibreathe,restingmyhandsontheroofofmycarinanattempttosteadymyself,“HowcanIbesurethathe’llevenwantmenow?”

“Youcan’t,”shesaysgently,layingahandonmyback,“Butyoucanatleastbesure

thatyoutried,thisway.”

“Iknowyou’reright,”Iwhisper,“Iknow,but—”

“Nomorebuts,Missy.You’reontheclock,”shesays,pullingmycarkeysoutofmypurseandplacingthemfirmlyinmyhand.“Sogobagastud,wouldyou?We’vegotsomedenimtohock,andyou’vegotafuckbuddytogetreacquainted

with.”

“I’msureI’llthankyouforthissomeday…”Isaybemusedly,“OrelseI’llneverforgiveyou.Itcouldgoeitherway.”

“Youknowwhat?I’lltakemychances,”shegrins,“It’sbetterthanriskinghavinganotherPaulonourhands.Onemoreboring,lameassboyfriendfromyouandI

wouldhavehadtotossyourassanyway.”

“Yourconfidenceisever-so-touching,”Idrawl,yankingopenthedriverssidedoorandslidinginside.“I’llletyouknowhowthisgoes,Iguess.”

“Takeyourtime,”shetellsme,turningtowardtheoffice,“Trueloveandcontractnegotiationsbothhappenintheirowntime.”

“Whataromantic,”Imutter,startingtheengineandpeelingoutofmyparkingspace.Alliewavescheerfullyfromthefrontdoor,totallyunawareofhowhighthestakesareforthislittlevisit.

Withmyhandsclampedfirmlyonthesteeringwheel,IturntheradioupfullblastandsetoffoncemoretowardCashHawthorne’sturf.IguessIwasboundtoseehim

againonewayoranother…Ourparentsarecohabitatingnow,forgod’ssake.What’stherealharminspeedingupourreunion?Therealquestionis,whatwillhehavetosaywhenIarrive?Willhescoopmeupinhisarmsandshowermewith“Imissedyou’s?”Ortellmetogetbackinmycarandleavehimthehellalone?AtleastI’llknowonewayoranother

beforethedayisout.That’sonetinyshredofcomfortinthisotherwisebonkerssituation.

I’vebarelymadeitontothehighwaywhenthesprawlingmid-dayskygoesdarkwithstormclouds.Heatlightningcracklesalongthehorizon,heraldinganastydownpour.Sureenough,theskycracksopenwithashatteringpealofthunder.Bucketsofrainslosh

againstmywindshield—andI’vegothourstogobeforeImakeittomydestination.

IwonderwhatCashthinksaboutmyimpendingdrop-in?DoeshethinkI’mtotallypathetic,havinghadmybestfriendreachouttohiminsteadofdoingitmyself?Icanseehowthisstuntcouldcomeoffastotallypathetic.Ican’tshowupwithoutknowingwherehisheadisat.

Ireachintomypurse,huntingformyphonesoIcanshoothimapreemptivetext…butIcan’tseemtofindit.MystomachsinksasIremembershovingmyphoneintoatmydeskdrawerbeforetheteammeeting.Ihavenowayofgettingintouchwithhimbeforeoursurprisereunion.

“That’sit,”Imutter,pullingontotheshoulderofthehighwayasthemenacing

forcesofnaturetearatmybeat-upcar.Irestmyforeheadagainstthesteeringwheel,mymindreeling.Ican’tdrivehalfwayacrossthestatethroughacrazythunderstormforamanwhohasn’tevensaidhestillwantsme.AmanIshouldn’tevenbewithinthefirstplace.I’mactinglikeacrazyperson.Acrazy,recklesspersonjustlookingforheartache.IfIhad

evenanounceofsense,I’dturnaroundandheadhomerightthissecond.

JustasIfliponmyturnsignal,preparingtomakeaU-turn,atwangingguitarriffsoundsoutfromthespeakerasafamiliar,unmistakablevoicecroons…

“Assureasnightisdarkanddayislight

Ikeepyouonmymindbothdayandnight

AndhappinessI'veknownprovesthatit'sright

Becauseyou'remine,Iwalktheline…”

MymouthfallsopenasJohnnyCashgoesonsingingabouthiswillto“WalktheLine”forthepersonheloves.

Allatonce,awild,ringinglaughripsoutofmythroat.

“Allright,universe,”Icrow,slappingatthesteeringwheelasamazed,excitedtearswellupinmyeyes,“Igetit.Ithinkyoumayhavejustjumpedtheshark,butIgetit.”

Pullingcarefullybackontothehighwaythroughthetorrentialdownpour,I

maintainmycourseforthesmallWashingtontownthatCashcallshome.Thisvisitcouldbeatriumphoradisaster,butatleastI’llalwaysbeabletosayIthrewcautiontothewind…andalltheotherelements,too.

Iwon’tcomebeggingtoyourdoorstepeither,CashHawthorne,Ithinktomyself,peeringthroughtherain-splatteredwindshield,Butat

leastI’mgonnashowup,foronce.

ChapterEleven

Icutmyheadlightsandforceadeepbreathintomylungs.Thoughthestormhasletupsomeinthepastfewhours,theragingtumultinmyhearthasonlygrownwilder.This

isthelastremainingmomentbeforeI’mforcedtomakemyfinaldecision;thelastchanceIhavetoturntailandrunawayasfastasIcan.

Butasbruisedandbaffledasmyheartmaybe,itwon’tletmebetraymyselflikethat.Notafterallthis.

Withtremblingfingers,Icuttheengineandsinkbackintothedriver’sseat,staring

straightaheadatamodestbrickbuildingfilledtothebrimwithmotorcyclesinvariousstatesofdisrepair.AndasIkeepmyeyestrainedontheopendooroftheshop,afamiliarfigurestridesintoview.

MybreathcatchesinmythroatasIlayeyesonCash.Thoughit’shardlybeenmorethanaweek,mybodyralliesasthoughwe’vebeenapart

foradecade.He’saloneintheshop,workingmethodicallyonabikeastherainpoursdownoutside.Hiscollar-skimmingcurlsareevenmoredistinctintheheavysummerair,fallingacrosshisforeheadasheworks.Themusclesinhisarmsflexwitheachturnofhiswrench,andeverycellinmybodyrememberswhatit’sliketobeworkedoverby

him.

ButalthoughI’mcatchingaglimpseofCashinhiselement,theoneplaceonearthwhereheshouldbemostatpeace,Ican’thelpbutnoticethetightnessofhisjaw.Thefurrowinhisbrow.Somethingistroublinghim,weighingdownhismindeveninthismomentofsolitude.Itmaybepresumptuous—conceited,even—to

imaginethathemaybethinkingofme.Ofus.Butifhe’saswreckedbywhat’shappenedasIam,atleastwecanoffereachotheraspotofcomfort,justbybeingfacetofaceonceagain.

Beforemyrationalmindcanstopme,Ipushopenthecardoorandstepoutintothedownpour.Iraceacrossthelot,thewarmsummerrainsoakingmeinseconds.My

heartbeatsoutmymarchingorders,sendingmeflyingtowardCashasfastasmyfeetcancarryme.

“Cash!”Icryout,hisnameswellinginsideofme,unabletobecontained.

Helooksupfromhiswork,hishazeleyesblazingwithrecognition.Iwatchhismouthfallopenasherises,alookofamazementcoming

acrosshisgorgeousface.Iskidtoastopbeneaththetinawningoftheshop,mysoakingwetbodyframedbytheopendoor.Foralong,silentmoment,CashandIstareateachotheracrossthethreshold,entrancedbythesuddenpresenceoftheother.

“Maddie,”hebreathes,testingmynameintherain-scentedair.

“H-hi,”Istammer,atentativesmileplayingacrossmylips,“It’ssogoodtosee—”

“How—What—”hesays,takingasteptowardme,“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

Mystomachflipsoverashestaresatme,clearlytakenverymuchoffguardbymysuddenappearance.Nowit’smyturntobeconfused.“I,uh…Myjobsentme,”Ireply,

tryingtojoghismemory,“Aboutthecampaign?Theinterviews,or—”

“Wait,”hecutsmeoff,cockinghishead,“Justwaitasecond.You’rehereforwork?”

“Yes,”Itellhim,tryingtokeepfromquivering.Idon’tthinkit’sjustmywetclothesthathavemeshaking.It’stheuncertaintyaboutwhether

Cashisevenhappytoseeme.

“Thatwasyouragencythatcalledthismorning?”hegoeson,shovingahandthroughhishair.“Whydidn’tyoujust…Whydidn’tyoutellmeyouwerecoming?”

DidAllieconvenientlyfailtomentionthatI’dbetheonearrivingonCash’sdoorstepthisafternoon?Typical.

“It’sareallylongstory,”I

breathe,steadyingmyselfagainstthedoorframe.

“Soundsit,”Cashsays,hisexpressionunchanging.“ButletmeseeifI’vegottheshortversionright.You’renotherebecauseyouwanttoseeme.You’reherebecauseyouthinkI’dlookgoodinadenimad?Isthataboutthegistofit?”

“No!”Iexclaim,hurtbyhis

assumption.“YouhonestlythinkI’mjusthereforwork?”

“Whatelse?”heasks,crossinghisarms,“It’snotasthoughI’vehadanywordfromyou,sohowshouldIknow?”

“Ihaven’theardfromyoueither,”Ireplyheatedly.

“Offuckingcoursenot,”heshootsback,“Youmadeitprettydamnclearthatwhat

youwantedwastimealone.Tothink.Imaynotbethebrightestmanaround,butevenIknowwhatthatmeans.”

“Cash,please…”Imurmur,bracingmyselfagainstthedoorframe.“Justlistentome.IknowIshouldn’thaveleftyoulikethat,withoutanyexplanation.Withoutanyanswers.ButIdidneedtothink.BecausewhatIfeelfor

you…itdeservestobethoughtthrough.It’stooimportanttoleaveuptochance.Wehavetochoose,Cash.Ifwewanteachother,thenwehavetochooseeachother.Weoweourselvesthatmuch.”

Heletshiseyestraildownalongthelengthofmybody,hisinkedchestrisingandfallinghard.Myheartswellsdangerouslywithhope.One

harshwordfromCash,andIknowitwillshattertopieces.Whenhespeaks,hisvoicerakesalongthebottomofhisregisterinanimpassionedgrowl.

“Ichoseyouthefirstnightwemet,”hetellsme,bringinghissearinghazeleyestomine.“So.Whatdoyousay,Porter?Doyouchooseme,too?”

“Cash,”Ibreathe,mykneesgoingweakbeneathme,“You…Youmustknowtheanswertothat.”

“Idon’tknowadamnthing,”herepliesfirmly,“Notanymore.Ineedananswer.Whyareyouhere?”

Mylipspartasmybrainreelsthroughpossibleanswers.I’mherebecauseIdon’tknowhowtoleavewellenough

alone.I’mherebecauseIheardasongontheradioandthoughtI’dtakemychances.I’mherebecauseeventhoughIknowbetter,Istillhaveanastyhabitofcourtingdisaster,Iguess.

ButIknowthatnoanswermymindcanproducewillbegoodenoughforhim,inthemoment.Hewantsthetruth.Mytruth.Andthatissomethingthatonlymyheart

canprovide.

“I’mhere….”Ibegin,myeyesstingingwithsuddentears,“BecauseIneedtobe,Cash.BecauseIneedtobe…withyou.Ichoosetobewithyou,ifyou’llhaveme.”

Hedrawsadeepbreathintohislungs,drinkinginmyanswer.Iwatchthetruthwashoverhim,fillinghimwithcertainty.

“Iwashopingyou’dsaysomethinglikethat,”hegrowls.

Intwolongpaces,he’sclosedthespacebetweenus.Hestridesacrosstheshop’sthresholdandenfoldsmeinhisarms.Igivemybodyovertohimatonceashebringshismouthtomine.Hespinsmearound,pushingmeagainstthebrickwallbesidetheshop’sdoorway.Thetaste

ofhimashekissesmeharderanddeeperthaneverislikearevelationtome.Iburymyfingersinhiscurlsasheholdsmyfaceinhiswork-roughenedhands,pinningmeagainstthewallwithhispowerfulhips.Raincoursesdownovertheedgeofthetinawningasthunderrattlesoverhead.Butafteraweekoftormentandheartache,IfinallyfeellikeI’vereached

theeyeofthestormhereinCash’sarms.

“Imissedyousomuch,”Igasp,ashepinsmyhandsovermyhead,kissingalongmythroatwithardentneed.

“Youhavenoidea,”hegrowls,asalowmoanrisesfrommythroat.

Icanfeeltheraw,searingneedforhimcoursingthroughmyverybloodasmy

heartpumpswildly.HowcouldIhaveeverdoubtedmybody’sresponsetothisman?Thisgorgeous,singularman?Iarchmybackashiskissesalongmycollarbone,pressinghislipstothesoftriseofmybreast.

“Ihopeyou’retheonlyoneworkingheretoday,”Ibreathe,grinningwickedlyasrivuletsofrainwatercoursedownmyskin.

Cashraiseshiseyestomine,fierywantsmolderingthereinhishazel-tintedgaze.Inresponse,hegrabsmebythehipsandpullsmeupintohisarms.Iwrapmylegsaroundhim,pressingmylipstohisasmyshortpencilskirtbunchesaroundmyhips.Withoutanotherword,hecarriesmeoverthethresholdoftheshop,slammingthedoorbehindus.

***

“HowdoIlook?”IaskCash,steppingbackintotheshop’sprivatebackofficefromtheadjoinedbathroom.

Heturnsaroundtofaceme,bucklinghisbelt.Hisrippling,shirtlesstorsoisstillflushedfromourvigorous

reunionontheoffice’swell-wornleathercouch.Asmilespreadsacrosshisfaceashetakesinthesightofme,standingbeforehiminnothingbuthiswhiteteeshirtandapairofnavybluecottonpanties.

“Verynice,”helaughs,asIdoalittlespinforhim,“It’sagoodlookforyou,Porter.”

“Whythanks,Hawthorne,”I

reply,settlingbackdownonthetrustyleathercouch,“It’snice,havingsomethingdrytowear.”

“Youwereprettyeagertogetoutofthosewetclothesinthefirstplace,”heteasesme,sittingdownandpullingmeontohislap.

“Excuseme,”Ilaugh,“ButIseemtorecallthatyouweremorethanhappytogetme

outofthem.”

“Iguesswe’rebothacoupleofsexfiends,”hegrins,circlinghisarmsaroundmywaist.

“Mightaswellacceptourselvesforwhoweare,”Isigh,brushingthecurlsawayfromhisface.ThestubblealonghisjawisdarkerthanI’veeverseenit.Asifhecouldn’tbringhimselftobe

botheredwithselfcarethesepastseveraldays.Theemptywhiskeybottlesittingonhisdeskonlyfuelstomynotionthathe’sbeenachingeverybitasmuchasIhave.ButIgetnosatisfactionfromknowingthatwewerejoinedinourmisery.AllIwantisforhimtobehappy.

“Whydoyoulooksoconcernedallofasudden?”Cashasks,givingmea

playfultug.

“IjustfeelsobadlyforhowIleftthings,”Imurmur,“Itwaswrongofmetoleaveyoubackthereatthehouse.Therewasjustsomuchgoingon—”

“That’sforfuckingsure,”hesays,shakinghishead,“Butyou’reherenow,aren’tyou?Wedon’tneedtodragallthatshitbackup.”

“I’msorry,isall,”Itellhim,

“Ineedyoutoknowthat.”

“Well.I’msorrytoo,”hesays,“Theultimatums,thebigtalk…youdidn’tneedthatfromme.Notafterthebombourparentsdroppedonusthatnight.”

“Haveyou,uh…heardanythingelse?Abouttheirplans?”Iaskhim,tracingmyfingertipsabsentlyacrosshischest.

“Ileftthatplaceabouttwosecondsafteryoudid,”Cashtellsme,“Haven’theardawordsince.Luke’sbackatSheridan,now.AndFinn’spissedoffbacktoPortland,orsoIhear.Younevercantellwithhim.GoodoldMomandDadareontheirowntofucktheirshituphowevertheylike,now.”

“God.Howdideverythinggettobesomessy?”Iask,

shakingmyhead.

“Maddie…we’reoutofthere,”Cashsayssoftly,runninghishandsdownmyarms,“Let’sjustputitbehindus.Iliketheviewrightinfrontofmemuchbetter.”

“Ican’tjustforgeteverythingthathappenedatthathouse,”Itellhim,“Everythingthat’sstillhappeningbetweenourfamilies.Ourparents.Imean,

they’realreadymovingintogether.Whatifthingsgoevenfurther?Whatiftheywanttogetmarried,or—”

“Slowdown,wouldyou?”hecutsmeoff,“Firstofall,takeabreath.Nothinglikethatisgoingtohappen,Maddie.”

“Howcanyoubesosure?”Iaskhim.

“Becausethere’snowaymydadisgoingtogetmarried

again,”hesayssimply,“That’stheonethingIknowtobetrueinthisworld.Hell,he’sbeendrivingitintomyheadsinceIwasinthesingledigitsthatmarryingmymomwasthebiggestmistakeofhislife.MybrothersandIwereraisedtobelievethatmonogamyandmarriagearebullshit.”

“That’sencouraging,”Iscoff,raisinganeyebrow.

“Isaidwewereraisedtobelievethat.Notthatweactuallydo,”Cashlaughs,“DoIseemlikeamanwhocanbetoldwhattothink?”

“Notintheslightest,”Ireply,loweringmyselftothecouchnexttohimandcurlingupagainsthisside.“IjustwishIcouldputthewholethingoutofmymind.Focusonthis.Onus.”

“Whydon’tyoutryit?”hesays,puttinghisarmaroundme.“Don’tthinkofmeaspartofthatwholeHawthorne-Portershitshow.Thinkofmeasasexystrangeryoumetinabar.Asexystrangeryouhadyourcoworkertrackdownlikesomekindofcreepsoyoucouldgetalittlemoretail…”

“Thatisnotwhathappened,”Ilaugh,givinghimalittle

shove.

“Ohno?”hegrins,“‘Causeitsureseemslike—”

“Allietrackedyoudownallonherown,”Itellhim,“Andtobehonest,shewasactingmoreasmybestfriendthanmycoworkeratthetime.”

“Ah.Sothebestfriendalreadyapprovesofme?I’mknockingthisoneoutofthepark,”Cashsays.“Doesshe

knowaboutour,uh,situation?”

“Notreally,”Iadmit,“Imean,Itoldheraboutthatfirstnight.Shehasphotographicevidence,forgod’ssake.”

“Ohh,”Cashsays,“She’stheonewhomadetheonenightstandbetwithyou?RemindmetothankherwhenImeether.”

Isitupstraight,lookingatCashwithsurprise.

“Whenyoumeether?”Iaskhim.

“Wellyeah,”hesays,settlingbackontheleathercouch,“Forthisadcampaignorwhateverthehellyou’reworkingon.”

“Youmean…you’dactuallybeinterestedintakingtheAsphaltjob?”Iaskhim

incredulously,“Forreal?”

“Whynot?”heshrugs,“You’regonnapayme,right?”

“Ofcourse,but—”

“Andfromwhatyourfriendsaid,allIhavetodoiscometosomepartiesandletyoufilmmedoingthejobI’malreadypaidtodoanyway?”hegoeson.

“That’s…thelongandshortofit,yeah,”Ismileslowly.

“ThenIdon’tseewhyIwouldn’ttakeit,”hesayssimply,lacinghisfingersbehindhishead.“Thisismyshop.It’snotlikeIhavetoaskforpermission.Besides,howcouldIdeprivethegooddenim-buyingpeopleofAmericaalookatthiskisserofmine?”

“YouknowthatmostoftheeventswillbeinSeattle?”Iaskhimtentatively.

“Howconvenient,”hesays,“I’mprettysureI’vegotaplacetocrashthere.”

Ilookawayfromhim,shockedatthisturnofevents.Iadmit,Ihaven’thadachancetothinkpastthisafternoon.IfiguredI’dgettousethis“interview”asan

excusetoseeCashagain.Butpastthat…isitreallyagoodideatoinvolvehiminmyworklife?Whatifthataddedstressjustbringsthisthingcrashingdown?AcreasecropsupbetweenhiseyebrowsasIfallintosilence.

“Whatisit?”heasks,cockinghishead.

“I’mjust.Iwasn’t—”

“Doyounotwantmetocomeorsomething?”heasksbluntly.

“What?No!Imeanyes,Ithink,”Iblather,“Itjustneveroccurredtomethatyouwould.”

“YouneedtostoptryingtofigureoutwhatI’mgonnadonext,”helaughs,standingupandstridingtowardthefridgeacrosstheoffice.“You’llbe

wrongninetimesoutoften.”

“Yeah,I’mstartingtogetthatimpression,”Isay,asCashpopsopenthefridgeandpullsouttwobottlesofbeer.

“Let’ssaythatI’mdowntotakethislittlejobofyours,”hegoeson,openingthebeerswithhisbeltbuckle.“Whathappensnext?”

“Well…Iwassupposedtocomeheretodaysolelytoget

a‘yes’fromyou,”Ilaugh.“Andyoursignatureonthedottedline,ofcourse.”

“Guessyougotalittlemorethanyoubargainedfor,”hegrins,handingmeabeer,“Noshameinthat.You’rea,uh…shrewdnegotiator.”

“Orsomething,”Ilaugh,takingaswigofbeer.

“So,you’vegotmeonboard,”Cashgoeson,“Now

what?”

“Now…IguessyoucometoSeattleandmeettheReImagedteam,”Itellhim.“Thatis,thepeopleIworkwith…”

“Youdon’tsoundtooexcitedaboutthat,”Cashobserves,raisinganeyebrow.

“It’snotthat,”Irushtoassurehim,“Iguessitjustfeelslikeaskingfortrouble.We

alreadyhaveplentyofbaggagebetweenuswithourfamilysituation.”

“ThewayIseethat,mecomingtoworkforyoucouldsolveallthat,”hereplies.

“Howdoyoufigure?”

“Because,”heexplains,“Workingtogetherwouldgiveusawholenewcontextofknowingeachother.Ourfamilieswouldn’tbeouronly

connectionanymore.Wecouldjustpretendwereallydidmeetatabar,andforgettheresteverhappened.”

“Youmean…hidethefactthatwe’resecretlyalmost-step-siblingsfromeveryonewe’veevermet?”Iask,marvelingathowordinarythisbizarreconversationfeels.

“Prettymuch,”heshrugs.

“Whilealsolyingtoourfamiliesbypretendingwe’renotsecretlyscrewinglikerabbits?”

“Well,yeah.”

IstareupatCashacrosstheroom,mymindreeling.DoIreallywanttospendtheforeseeablefutureleadingsomekindofcrazydoublelife?LyingtoeveryoneIknowinsomecapacity?How

canahealthyrelationshippossiblyemergefromsuchatangledwebofdeceit?HellifIknow.ButsittingherealonewithCash,tuckedawayfromtherestoftheworld,istheonlythingthattrulyfeelshonest.Sowhatifwehavetolieforawhile,inordertoliveourtruth?

“So,whatdoyousay?”heaskssoftly,“Thinkyoucanhandlemecrashingyourreal

life?”I’mnotsureifhe’skiddingornot.

“Ihavenoidea,”Itellhimhonestly,“ButIthoughtyousaidIwasn’tsupposedtobethinkingahead?”

“Youaren’t,”hewinks,“Itwasatrickquestion.Goodjob,Porter.Theremaybehopeforyouyet.”

“You’rearealsonofabitch,youknowthatCash?”Isay,

tuckingmylegsunderme.

“Yeah,I’vegottenthatbefore,”heshrugs,“Butyouknowwhatthatmakesyou?”

“Outofmygoddamnmindforbeingcrazyoveryou,”Ireplyinallseriousness,takinginCashinallhisshirtless,beerslingingglory.

“Thataboutcoversit,”hesmiles,lettinghiseyesrakedownmybarely-clothed

body.“Youknow…Idon’tthinkthisstormisgonnaletupanytimesoon,Maddie.”

“Ohno?”Iaskinnocently,peeringupattherain-splatteredofficewindow.

“Nope,”Cashsighs,stridingacrosstheroomtowardme,“ThatmeansIprobablywon’thaveanymorecustomerstoday.Icancloseupshoprightnow.AndIdon’tthink

youshouldbedrivingallthewaybacktoSeattletonight.”

“Itprobablywouldn’tbeaverygoodidea,”Iagree,swingingmyfeetaroundtothefloor.Iletmykneesfallever-so-slightlyapartasCashapproaches.“DoyouknowanyplaceImightbeabletostaytonight?”

“Thereisamoteloverbymyfavoriteroadsidebar…”he

grins,drawingtostopbeforeme.“Maybeyouknowit?”

“Oh,IbelieveI’mintimatelyacquaintedwiththatplace,”Ismileupathim,takinganotherlongsipofbeer.

“Hmm…”Cashmurmurs,trailinghisfingertipsdownmybareleg.“Wantmetojogyourmemoryanyway?”

“Yesplease,”Ibreathe,ashesinksdownontohisknees

beforeme.

MyheadfallsbackagainsttheblackleatherasCashsetsdownhisbeerandplaceshiscoolhandsonmythighs.Loweringhisfulllipstomyskin,hekissesmejustabovetheknee.Trailinghiskissesslowlyupmythigh,hepullsmyhipsforward,drawingmetotheedgeofthecouch.Thatspotbetweenmylegsbeginstothrobashepressesmy

kneesapart.Justmomentsago,Ithoughtthatferviddesirewasfullysatedbyourenthusiastic“helloagain”…butI’mstartingtorealizethatwhenitcomestoCashHawthorne,I’llalwayshaveanappetiteformore.

Iholdmybreathashecloseshisteetharoundthebandofmypanties,glancingdevilishlyupatme.Hetugsthecottongarmentwithhis

mouth,easingitdownovertheriseofmyass,theslenderlengthsofmylegs.Tossingmyunderwearaside,heturnshisgazetome.AlowgroanrisesinhisthroatasIletmylegsfallapart,openingevenmoreofmyselftohim.

LookslikeI’mnottheonlyonewhohasn’thadtheirfillquiteyet.

Withoutaword,Cashlowers

hismouthtomyachingslit.MybackarchesasIfeelhiswarmbreathagainstmywetness.Mylong,lowmoanrisesabovethesoundoftherainpoundingagainsttheroofasCashrunshistongueallalongthelengthofme.Hisexperttonguestrokesmypulsing,eagersex,sendingshockwavesofpleasureupthroughmywholebody.Igasp,grabbingholdofthe

sofafordearlifeashepushesbackmyflushed,pinkfleshandexposesmyraw,achingclit.

“Oh,fuck,”Icryout,asheflicksthattendernubwiththetipofhismasterfultongue.“Ohmygod,rightthere…”

“Oh,Iknow…”hegrowls,slidingtwothickfingersinsideofmeashetracesquick,firmcirclesaroundthat

exposedbutton.

MycrieseruptintheotherwisequietroomasCashbearsdownonmyclitwithhisexquisitemouth,thrustinghisfingersdeepinsidemeallthewhile.Icanfeelmyselfhurtlingtowardtheheightsofbliss,totallyatthemercyofCash’sardentattentions.I’moutofcontrol,unabletoformasinglethought,acoherentplanofaction.Now,asever

whenI’mwithCashHawthorne,Icanstopoverthinking—stopthinkingatall—andbeinthemomentwithhim.Andashewrapshisfirmlipsaroundmythrobbingclit,suckshardandfastenoughtomakemecomelikemad,Iknowthere’snotanothermomentI’dratherbelivingin.

Asmybodyandmindcomefloatingbackdownfromthe

heightsofbliss,IlookdownatCashashelicksthetasteofmefromhislips.

“Ihavetosay,Maddie…”hegrinswickedly,“It’salreadybeenapleasuredoingbusinesswithyou.”

ChapterTwelve

Therestofmy“workday”fliesbyinarushofardentlovemakingandshatteringbliss.Cashclosesupshop,andwehaveeachothereverywhichwaybeforefinally

fallingintoadeep,satisfiedsleep.Hisapartmenttakesupthesecondflooroftheshop—amodestbachelorpadroughlythesamesizeasmySeattlestudio.Wetumbleintohisbedjustaftermidnight,spentfromourday-longfuckfestofareunion.

Myeyesflutteropenatthefirstsignofday,andI’malmosttakenabackathowpeacefulIfeel—comfortable,

warm,andsafe.CashandIarewrappedupinawell-wornquilt,totallynaked,ourlimbsentwined.Coulditreallybepossibletobegineverymorningthisway?Couldtwopeopleeverbesolucky?

MovingaslittleaspossiblesoasnottodisturbCash,Ireachdowntowherehisphoneislayingonthefloor.Rollingontomybelly,Inotethe

time.It’sonlyfiveinthemorning.Iguessmybodycouldn’twaittogetbackupandat‘em…andby‘em,ImeanCash,ofcourse.Itisn’tuntilInotethedatebeneaththetimedisplayedonthephonethatithitsme.

It’sTuesdaymorning.I’mexpectedbackatReImagedat10a.m.

“Ohforfuck’ssake,”Igroan.

“Hmm?What?”Cashmutters,wakingatonceashehearsthedistressmyvoice,“What’swrong,babe?”

Iglanceoverathim,thegearsofmymindspinninglikemad.Ifwe’regoingtosetoffonthisnextcrazyadventuretogether,wemayaswellgetamoveon.There’snotamomenttolose.

“Howwouldyoufeelabouta

littleroadtrip,Hawthorne?”Iaskhim,amischievousgrinspreadingacrossmyface.

Aftertwoverystrongcupsofcoffeeandashowerthatonlyletsusindulgeourdirtysideonemoretime,CashandIhittheroad.IleadthewayinmybeatupcarwhileCashfollowsonhisbelovedbike.Allalongtheway,Ican’t

helpstealingglancesathiminmyrearviewmirror.Withhisleatherjacket,sleekhalf-shellhelmet,anddarkjeans,he’severybittheprototypicalbadboybiker.Arealheartbreaker.Butthenwhydoesmyheartfeelsaferwithhimthaneverbefore?MaybeI’mmakingahugemistake,thinkingIknowthefirstthingabouttanglingwithamanlikeCashHawthorne.

Butit’stoolatetoturnbacknow.

WeswingbymyfavoritevintageshopinSeattlejustafteritopens,andIgrabthefirstfewarticlesofclothingIsee.Can’tshowuptoworkwearingyesterday’sclotheswithasexystudintow,canI?Ishedmyrain-washedclothesinthedressingroomwhiletheshopkeeperseestome,eyebrowsraisedatthe

motorcycle-straddlinghunkwaitingformeoutside.

“Theremustbeaprettygoodstorythere,”theyoungwomanobserves,ringingmeup.

“Youhavenoidea,”Imutter,smilingatCashthroughtheshopwindow.

ThusattiredtoappearlikeIhaven’tbeenfuckingforthepast24hours,Isetofftoward

ReImagedwithCashtrailingbehind.CarolandBrianaregoingtobeprettypleasedwiththislittlesurpriseI’mbringingthem.Hell,I’mpleasedtoo,knowingthere’sanewplaceforCashinmyreallife…evenifthatplaceis“eyecandy”formylatestmarketingendeavor.

Hey,it’sbetterthannothing.

CashandIstandside-by-sidebeforethefrontdoorsofmyagency,pausingtocomposeourselvesasbestwecan.Heshootsmeasidelongglance,chucklingathownervousIam.

“It’snotlikeyou’rebringingmehometomeettheparents,”hepointsout,“Thatshiphasalreadysailed,remember?”

“Thisisabsolutelyinsane,”Ibreathe,smoothingdownmynewlypurchasesyellowsundress.“Doyouseriouslythinkwecanpullthisstuntoff?”

“Ifanyonecan,it’sus,”heremarks,“Andit’snotlikewedon’thavethemotivation,right?Theonlyquestionis,howamIgoingtokeepmyhandsoffyoulongenoughtogetthroughthismeeting…?”

“You’reterrible,”Ilaugh,steppingquicklyawayfromhimashereachestogivemyassalittlesqueeze.

“Andyou’reblushing,”hesmiles,steppinguptothedoors,“Getittogether,Porter.Thisisaplaceofbusiness.”

Inunison,westepthroughthefrontdoorsofReImaged.Athalfpastten,theplaceis

alreadybuzzingwithactivity.Adozenemployeesmillabouttheopenworkspace,collaboratingandgeneratingnewideas.Allieissittingatherdeskacrossfrommine,alreadyhardatwork.ButashereyesflickuptowardmeandCash,shegoesabsolutelystill,openlygapingaswemakeourwayacrosstheroom.

“Allie,I’dlikeyoutomeet

CashHawthorne,”Ismile,morethantickledatherutterlybaffledexpression.

“Heythere,”Cashsays,extendinghishand,“Ihearweoweyouone,Allie.”

“Oh,itwas…notrouble…”shesaysdreamily,shakingCash’sfirmhand.Evenwithallherexperiencewithmen,AllieisstillstruckdumbbythesightofCash,hereinthe

flesh.Andhonestly,whowouldn’tbe?

“Whydon’tIgowashtheopenroadoffmyfacebeforeImeetyourbosses?”Cashsuggeststome,lookingaroundmyofficeasifitwereanalienplanet.SomethingtellsmethisisthefirsttimeCashhassetfootanywherethatcouldbeconsideredcorporate.

“Bathroom’sjustthroughthere,”Itellhim,pointingtheway.

Hetuckshishelmetunderasturdyarm,nodsatAllie,andleavesusaloneatherdesk.Thesecondhe’soutofearshot,mybestfriendspringsupoutofherchairwithanelatedshriekandthrowsherarmsaroundme.

“Who’syourbestfriendin

theentireworld?”shegrinsexcitedly,redcurlsquiveringwithvicariousexcitement.

“You,andthensome,”Igrinback,“Ican’tbelieveyourlittleschemeworkedout,butI’vegottosay…You’reagenius.”

“Soyouguysworkedeverythingout?”shepresses,hergreeneyeswidewithglee.

“Inasense…”Itellher.

“Whatdoesthatmean?”sheasks,cockingherhead.

“Itmeans…CashisgoingtotakethisjobasareasontobeinSeattleforawhile,”Iexplain,“Andwe’llseehowitgoes.”

“I’msurethatyou’remorethanenoughreasonforhimtocomehere,”Alliepointsout,“Butthejobisanicecover

foryoutwo.”

“Whatdoyoumean,‘cover’?”Iaskher,tryingandfailingtosoundinnocent.

“Imean,youtwohaveaconvenientexcusetodowhatyoudesperatelywantedinthefirstplaceandmakeagoatbeingtogether,”shereplies.“So.You’rewelcome.”

“Allie,I…actuallyhavenoideawhatIwoulddowithout

you,”Itellher,inaweofherinsight,“Seriously.”

“You’dbehavinglacklustersexwithPaul2.0andkickingyourselffornotlivingalittle,”sheshrugs,“Nobigmystery,Maddie.”

Cashreappears,freshenedupandgorgeousasever.It’smind-blowing,seeinghimhereinthisfamiliarplace.Butit’snotjarring,likeI

expected.Ifanything,hisbeingheremakesmefeelevenmoreathome.Allie’sright—it’slikeweneededsomekindofpermissiontogiveintowhatwereallywanted.

Toher,itmustseemincomprehensiblethatwe’dneedanexcuse,beinggrownadultsandall.Butifsheknewtheunderlyingcircumstances,I’msureour

hesitancywouldmakealotmoresense.Tobeperfectlyhonest,Istillhavetoactivelyforcethefamily-orientedworriesfrommymind.InthewakeofmymomallbutdisbandingthePorterclan,Istillcan’tshakethefeelingthatI’mbetrayinghersomehowbystickingitoutwithCash.Ijusthopethatbeinga“baddaughter”inhereyeswillgeteasierwith

practice.It’snotasthoughI’veeverbeenabletochangehermind.

“Well,well…”Carol’shuskyvoiceringsoutacrosstheroom.“Whodowehavehere?”

Allie,CashandIlookaroundtoseethetwofoundersofReImagedheadingourway.IsmilegamelyatCarolandBrian,playingitcoolthough

myheartispoundinglikeasledgehammeragainstbrick.

“Carol,Brian,thisisMr.Hawthorne,”Itellmybosses,“Ihopeyoudon’tmindIinvitedhiminthismorningforameeting.HewassoenthusiastictojumponboardthiscampaignthatIfigured,whywait?”

“NoreasonIcanthinkof,”Carolgoeson,hereyesglued

toCash’ssculptedfeatures.I’veneverseenanythingrufflemyboss’sfeathers,buttheverysightofmyhandsomenewrecruithashergobsmacked.EvenBrian,thestraightestwhitedudeanyone’severmet,staresatCashwithsomethingapproachingreverence.

“He’sperfect,”Brianbreathes.

“He’sreadytotalksometerms,iswhatheis,”Cashgrinsrakishly,tuckinghishandsintohisjeanspockets.

“Ofcourse,ofcourse,”Briansputters,sweepinghisarmtowardtheconferenceroom.“CarolandIcanwalkyouthroughthewholething.Itissuchapleasuretohaveyouworkingonthis.Ifindyourwholestoryincrediblyintriguing,Ihavetosay…”

CashcocksandeyebrowatmeoverhisshoulderasBrianleadshimofftotheconferenceroom.Alliemovestofollowthem,freshlyprintedcontractinhand.Carolturnstomeastheymaketheirleave,admirationandexcitementshininginhereyes.

“Excellentwork,Maddie,”shesays,layingahandonmyshoulder.“Ican’tbelievehow

quicklyyouwereabletomoveonthis.”

“ThanksCarol,”Ismile,surprisedbyherpraise.Approvalisn’texactlysomethingsheregularlydispenses.

“He’stheidealcenterpieceforthiscampaign,”shegoeson,eyesgluedtoCash’sretreatingform.“Rugged,manly,no-nonsense…and

sexyasthedayislong.”

“I’minclinedtoagreewithyou,”Iallow,watchingmybossstraight-upoglemylover’ssculptedass.

“IwishI’dknownhe’dbeworkingforussomedaybeforeimplementingthatworkplacesexualharassmentpolicy,”shesighswistfully.

Ifixmyeyesonher,alarmbellsclanginginmyhead.

“Whatpolicyisthat?”Iask,tryingtosoundcasual.

“Maddie,”shereplies,crossingherarms,“Thisisamodernworkplace.BrianandImadesuretowriteprotectionsforallouremployeesintothecompanycharter.Didn’tyoureadthefineprintinyourcontract?”

“Oh.Right.Ofcourse.Thefineprint…”Ireply,my

voicestrained.“Butjusttorefreshmymemory…?”

“Wehaveazerotolerancepolicyforofficesexualharassment,”Carolinformsme,“Andjusttomakesurethere’snochanceofanyconfusioncroppingup,intra-officerelationshipsarestrictlyforbidden.We’vehadtoletmorethanacouplepeoplegoovertheyearsfortryingtopairoffonthesly.”

“…Youdon’tsay,”Ireply,feelingthecolordrainoutofmyface.

“Ohyeah,”shenods,“You’dbeamazedwhatpeoplethinktheycangetawaywith.Butyouknowsomething,Maddie?Thetruthalwayscomesoutintheend.Always…Anyway!We’vegotCashHawthorneintheReImagedwebnow.Weshouldmakesurethere’sno

wayforhimtowiggleout,yes?”

Istareatherforalongmoment,atalossforwords.Butasusual,Carolcan’tspareasecondtogagemyreactiontoherproclamation.Sheclapsherhandstogetherandsetsofffortheconferenceroom,leavingmeinthedust.Istandperfectlystillasthechaoticofficewhirrsaroundme,rootedto

thespotastheweightofthislatestrevelationcomescrashingdownonme.JustwhenCashandIthoughtwewereintheclear…

Asurgeofemotionrisesinsideofme,andI’mshockedtofindaburstoflaughterescapingmylips.Iclaspahandovermymouth,tryingtocontainapealofgigglesattheabsurdityofthistwistinevents.Notaweek

ago,ablowlikethismayhavesentmereeling.Butnow,aftereverythingCashandIhavebeenthroughalready,Ican’tevenworkmyselfuptobeingdistressed.Sowe’reofficiallyforbiddenfrombeingtogethernotonlybythelaw,shouldourparentsevermaketheirrelationshipbinding,butalsobyoursharedplacedofwork.Themovethatwassupposedto

solveallourproblemshasonlydoubledthem.Byrights,Ishouldbefreakingout.

Buthey,what’sonemoreinsurmountableobstaclewhenyou’vegotamanlikeCashHawthorneasapartner?

Pullingmyselftogether,Isquaremyshouldersandmarchofftowardtheconferenceroom.CashandImaynotbethemost

traditionalcouple,orevenanofficialcoupleatall,butlackofatitlehasnobearingonhowdevotedwearetoeachother.I’malwaysupforagoodchallenge,butI’veneverbeenascommittedtoseeingonethroughthanIamrightnow.Ihavenoideawhatthefutureholdsforthetwous,orevenwhetherthatfuturewillencompassaweekoralifetime.ButIknowthat

I’driskeverythingtofindout.

Andifthatisn’tanactoflove,Idon’tknowwhatis.

THEEND…fornow

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EXCERPT

StepbrotherBastard(AHawthorne

BrothersNovel)(Book

Two)

PrologueTheBearTrapBarMontana,USAAdrenalinespikesthroughmy

alreadyboozybloodasIslamthebathroomdoorshutbehindme.Flatteningmybackagainstthe

flimsywoodenbarrier,Iturntofacemyunexpectedcompanionfortheevening.Hetowersabovemeinthedimlylitspace,hissculptedfeaturesrenderedallthemoreintensebythelowlight.Hisclosecroppedchestnuthair,darkstubble,andeffortlesslycoolstylecaughtmyeyefromtheveryfirstsecondIsawhimafewweeksago.Butinsuchtightquartersasthese,everyenticingaspectofhimis

amplified.ThesheerpitchofmyfascinationwithhimrendersmeallbutspeechlessasIdrinkinthesightofhim,alonewithmeatlast.

He’seasilysixfeettall,witha

balanced,controlledbodywellconditionedbyalifetimeofathleticsandhardwork.Hiscut,perfectlyshapedmusclesareripplingwithbarelycontaineddesire.Andasvisceralasthis

momentis,it’sstillhardtobelievethatwhathedesiresisme.GodknowsI’vebeenfantasizingaboutfindingmyselfalonewithhimforweeksonend.Butnowthatwe’reheretogether,I’malmostoverwhelmedbythehugenessofhiswant.Thestaggering,powerfulpresenceofhim.Mybreathcatchesinmythroatasheplantshishandsonthedoorabovemyshoulders,cagingmeinwithmereinchesof

spacebetweenus.“Yousureyou’reupforthis?”

hegrowls,hisdarkgreeneyessmolderinginthedimlightofthebarbathroom.

Idrawmyselfupwitha

defiantstare,keepingmyeyestrainedonhisface…nomatterhowoverpoweringlygorgeousitis.Reachingaroundbehindmyback,

Islidethedoor’sheavyboltintothelockedposition.Thesatisfying,metallicclickringsoutloudandclearinthesmallroom,despitethecacophonyofmusicandvoicesroaringinthebarproper.It’sthelastnightofclassesattheuniversitynearby,whereI’mjustfinishingoffmyjunioryear.ThankgodIdecidedtoditchthefrat-sponsoredschool-spiritshitshowoncampusinfavorsomethinga

littlemoreexciting.Orrather,someonealittlemoreexciting.

“Doesthatansweryour

question?”Ibreathe,allbutvibratingwithanticipation.

Hecocksaperfectlysculpted

eyebrowatme,keepingmepennedbetweenhispowerfularms.

“Notquite,”helaughs,his

voiceraggedaroundtheedges,“Tryagain.”

“Wh-what?”Istammer,trying

tokeepup.At21,I’mhardlyinexperiencedwiththeoppositesex.Buteventhoughthisguyonlyhasafewyearsonme,he’smakingtheothermenI’vebeenwithlooklikelittleboys.It’sbeenalongtimesinceIhaven’tbeenthemoredominantpartnerinthe

bedroom…or,uh…bathroom,asitwere.Butwherethisparticularmanisconcerned,Ihardlymind.Infact,Iactuallyfindmyselfwantingtolethimtakethelead.Andthatisabsolutelyafirst.

“Ineedayesorno,”hegoes

on,easinghisperfectlybalancedbodytowardme.Myverycellsarescreamingtofeelhimagainstme.Ifhewouldjustcomealittle

closer…“WouldIhavecomeback

tonightifIdidn’twantthis?”Ipointout,resistingtheurgetothrowmyselfintohisthicklymuscledarms.

“Tobehonest,”hemurmurs,

eyesflickingdowntomyalmost-quiveringlips,“I’mhavingtroublegettingareadonyou.Andletme

tellyou,that’snotsomethingI’musedto.You’regonnahavetotellmeoutrightwhatitisyouwant,here.”

“Whydon’tyouletmeshow

youinstead?”Ishootback,lettingmyhandstraildownhisrock-hardchest.

“Comeon,”hesays,hisfull

lipsspreadingintoarakishgrin.

“Youalreadyputitintowriting,didn’tyou?Whatdidthatnoteofyourssayagain?”

“You’resuchanasshole,”I

mutterbreathlessly,tryingtofighttheblushthatrisesinmycheeks.

“Oh,that’sright…”hegoes

on,lettinghistorsobrushdeliciouslyagainstmine.Heleansinclose,hisbreathwarmagainst

myneck.Thosefirmlipsbrushagainsttheshellofmyear,sendingashiverdownmyspine.“Youwantmeto‘Nailyoutothewallandfuckyoudirty’.Wasn’tthatit?”

“That…Uh…Thatwasthegist

ofit,”Igasp,mythighsclenchingtogetherasathunderingrushofneedcoursesthroughme.

“Sayitthen,”hedemands,brushingalockofcaramelblondehairawayfrommyface,“Tellmewhatitisyouwant,Sophia.”

“I…Ijust…”Isputter,

loweringmygold-fleckedblueeyes.

“You’lltellme,won’tyou,”he

saysfirmly.It’snotaquestion.

Iforceadeepbreathintomylungs,gatheringupeverybitofcourageatmydisposal(liquidorotherwise).I’mnotusuallyonefornerves,havingconqueredmystagefrightattheripeoldageoffour.Usually,thatsteadinesscarriesoverintomyromanticlife…butnotnow.Notwithhim.Forthefirsttime,Idon’tfeellikeI’mperformingdesire,I’mexperiencingit.Turnsout,there’sa

prettybigdifference—adifferencesobigthatitalmostfrightensme.ButifI’velearnedonethingfrommylifeasaperformer,it’sthatsometimesyou’vegottofollowthefearifyouwanttofindthetruth.

“Luke,”Istartsoftly,myvoice

lowinmychest,huskywithlust.“Yes?”hereplies,his

smolderinggreeneyeshardonmy

face.Itakehisfaceinmyhands,my

fingersrestingagainsthisscruffy,razorsharpjaw,andlockmygazeontohis.

“Iwantyoutonailmetothe

wall,”Iwhisper,“Andfuckmedirty.”

Ablazeoffieryneederuptsin

hisemeraldgazeashetakesmein.Forjustasecond,helooksgenuinelyamazedthatI’verisentothemoment.Imayhaveneverhadamanlikehimbefore,butmaybehe’sneverhadawomanlikemeeither.

Iletmylipspart,asnarkyjab

atthereadytodefusetheachinglyintensemoment.ButbeforeIcanutteranothersyllable,he’spinned

metothewoodendoorwithhispowerful,taperedhips.Agaspescapesmythroatashesnatchesmyhandsfromhisfaceandholdsmywristsfirmlyabovemyhead.Myentirebodylightsuplikeaflareashebringshismouthtomine,kissingmehardandfastashepresseshisincredibleformagainstme.

MybackarchesasIopenmy

moutheagerlytohis,lettinghistonguesweepagainstmine.Ourmouthsmovetogether,hungryandsearching.I’mstretchedouttautlybeforehim,andheexploresmydancer’sfigurewithhisfirmfreehand.Mynipplesgohardasherunsahandslowlydownmyside,memorizingthelitheshapeofme.Hegrinsashebrushesathumboveroneofthoseerectpeaks,pleasedathowquicklyhe’sturned

meon.“Howlonghaveyoubeen

waitingforthis?”hegrowls,freeingmywristsashekissesdownalongmythroat.Hislipsleavesparksofsensationintheirwakeastheytrailalongmyskin,andit’sallIcandotokeepputtingonewordinfrontofanother.

“Howlong?Oh…Onlysince

yourveryfirstclass,”Ilaughbreathlessly,writhingunderhisintoxicatingtouch.

“Hmm,”hereplies,grabbing

mefirmlybywaist,“I’venevermetsomeonewhowassoturnedonbypersonalfinances.Kindakinky…”

“Itwasn’tsomuchthesubject

matterastheitwastheperson

deliveringit,”Ismile,tryingtocatchmybreath.

“That’sgoodtoknow,”he

grinsback,hisvoicestrainingwithneed,“It’dbearealshameifyoujustwantedmeformybrain.Therestofmewantsinontheaction,too.”

Heshiftshishipsever-so-

slightly,andIfeelthehard,

unbelievablelengthofhimpressfirmlyagainstmythigh.MyeyesgowideasIstareupathim,amazedbytheenormityofhisdesireforme.

“Yeah…Igetthat,”Ibreathe,

lettingmyhandsslidedownhiscuttorso,“ThoughIhavetosay,Iwouldn’tmindgetterabetter…feelforit.”

“WellMs.Porter,”hegrins,asIwhipopenthebuckleofhisbelt,“I’dbemorethanhappytogiveyouonelastlesson.”

Thedinofthebarisentirely

drownedoutbythefranticpoundingofmyheartasLukeslipshishandsupundermytanktop.

“Goahead,Prof,”Iwhisper,

“I’mafastlearner.”

“Myfavoritekind,”hegrowls

back,asIslidemyhanddownthefrontofhisbluejeans.

Soconsumedaswebyour

impromptustudysessionthatwedon’tevennoticeassomeonestartspoundingonthebathroomdoor.We’vegotalotofmaterialtogetthrough,afterall.AndIhavethefeelingthatI’vejustdiscoveredmy

newfavoritesubject:LukasHawthorne.

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