Courageous Conversations COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS: When and How for the ANDSOOHA Public Health Nursing Management Facilitated by : Janet P. Schmidt

Courageous Conversations

COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS: When and How

for the ANDSOOHA Public Health Nursing Management

Facilitated by:

Janet P. Schmidt


CASE STUDY

Identify one particular challenging situation at work. Reflect on a recent unsatisfying conversation that you had

with this person. Could be with a colleague, person who reports to you

or someone who you report to.


CASE STUDY Reflection #1

• Share a ‘snap shot’ of the context, highlighting the one conversation

• What did the other person do that was not helpful (be specific) i.e. raised voice, rolled eyes, said…

You will be given 2 minutes each


• What impact did the conversation have on you at the moment, that night, during the week….




Imagine that the other person is sitting in your place. How would they answer the following question:

• What did you do in the conversation that was not helpful?

Take 1 minutes each


• Who started this situation?

• Who has more organizational power?

• For those of you with less organizational power, does power effect impact?



Mapping the Relationship

Gather information

Disruption of Expectations

Stability/Productivity

Commitment

PinchCrunch


Follow my instructions

Be informed about what is happening

in organization Be respected

Be listened to

Be consulted on decisions that

effect me

Enough time to complete

tasks

Opportunities for

advancement

Be allowed to do tasks in my

way

Be treated

fairly

More face time, less

email

Clear, timely feedback

Be spoken to with

appropriate tone

More email

Use my expertise


CASE STUDY Reflection #3• Map out your relationship using the Relationship

Map• Was the conversation a ‘pinch’ or a ‘crunch’?• What are the expectations that they are not

meeting (pinches)?• What ‘paths’ have you explored on this map in your

relationship to date?• Were there initial ‘pinches’ (early warning

indicators) you experienced in the relationship?Take 3 minutes each


When someone does not meet your expectations (pinches) you can…

1. Let it go2. Complain to someone else3. Pinch back4. Hold on to it5. Crunch back6. Talk about it


Three Steps to Creating a Culture

When someone is not meeting your expectations and you stay silent….

• The first time you give consent• The second time you give permission• The third time you have lowered the

standard.



EXPECTATIONSDISAPPOINTMENT = ---------------------

REALITY


“The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes”

By Marcel Proust



1. How have you made sense of why the person is not meeting expectations?

2. What have you done to address the situation? Think of as many different strategies as you can remember that you have used over time. (pinch options)


Private

Action

Effect

Intent

Public

MeaningMaking

Words – 7% Tone –

38% Body Language – 55%

TOTAL -100%


Utube Clips:

The Hospital Incidenthttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItG-U8OpVz4

The Surprise Dinnerhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaP0aIsSINo



How we make meaning….

Edward Muzio on

The Ladder of Inference Creates Bad Judgement

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9nFhs5W8o8



Meaning Making…

We are meaning making people. We are constantly creating stories about the

motivations and intentions of other people (and they are doing the same). We quickly believe our stories to be true and repeat them in our heads and to our closest colleagues, not to mention our friends and family members.


The Problem….

All too often we analyze the situation, carefully considering why they are behaving in that way. Ultimately we come up with some theory that we believe to be true and often our own actions make it true and make it worse.

The Reality: What you believe will greatly impact what you do and how you will do it.


• George Zimmerman – self appointed neighbourhood watch captain, focused on law and order

• Trayvon Martins – walking home with a hoody


A question that opens the possibilities…..

Why would a reasonable, rational person do this?

Albeit it imperfect….


SURVEY OF 64,000 WORKERS WILLING NOT WILLING

AB

LE

NO

T A

BL

EEmployees were unclear about supervisors expectations and have insufficient support to accomplish those

expectations – 89%

Employees understand supervisors expectations but are not committed to

accomplishing them – 1%

Employees have in- adequate knowledge or

skill – 9.5%Employees are incapable of learning to achieve or physically incapable of achieving expectation

- .5%

UNKNOWN – likely a small percentage of above


Partnering with Employees: A Practical System for Building Empowered Relationships by Duke Nielsen

Jossey Bass, 1993



1. How have you made sense of why the person is doing what they are doing?

2. What thoughts have you had about the other person recently?

3. How has your behaviour changed towards that person? What have you noticed? What may be happening that you are not noticing?


Speculate on a reason that is more positive? A possibility that makes them reasonable and rationale with positive intent.


The Set-Up-To-Fail Syndromeby Jean-Francois Manzoni and Jeau-Louis Barsoux, HBR, 1998

• “an employee’s poor performance can be blamed largely on his boss.”

• “The Pygmalion effect is when individual lives up to great expectations.”

• “Set-up-to-fail syndrome explains the opposite.”




“a dynamic that usually creeps up on the boss and the subordinate until

suddenly both of them realize that the relationship has gone sour.”


“…up to 90% of all managers treat some subordinates as though they

were members of an in-group, while they consign others to membership in

an out-group.”


“We judge ourselves by our intentions.

Others judge us by the impact/effect of our actions.”

- A client at end of mediation process


Setting Clear Expectations….


The Perspective Check

Gather Information

Stability/Productivity

Commitment

Pinch


Perception Check Preparation:• Observe behaviour• Identify and suspend judgment; put your

parrot in your pocket (you might be right you might be wrong, I don’t know)

• Become curious; of other’s intent• Become calm; wait until your emotions have

gone to neutral


The Perspective Check1. Introduce the conversation

“Do you have a minute, I want to check something with you”

2. Name the action (pause momentarily)“I noticed that you interrupted Joan a number of times during the meeting.”

3. Invite the person to clarify their understanding.“What was going on for you?” OR “Are you aware of the policy?”

4. Clarify the Expectation

5. Problem solve (if necessary)

6. End Conversation


Private

Action

Effect

Intent

Public

Make Meaning

Words – 7%Tone – 38%Body Language – 55%

Requesting a Different Action


FEEDBACK

Traditionalist – “No news is good news”Baby Boomer – “ Feedback once a year, with lots

of documentation!”Gen Xer’s – “Sorry to interrupt, but how am I

doing”Millennials – “Feedback whenever I want it at

the push of a button.”


“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been

accomplished.”

George Bernard Shaw


Frequent Strategies…

1) hope it goes away or 2) trust that they will figure it out.

The Problem: It often doesn’t resolve itself, and they interpret your silence as endorsement/ agreement.


OR….

3) Wait until you are frustrated and then talk to the person.

The Problem: Your frustration will invariably impact your delivery. The end result is that you will come across stronger than you think and people will be hurt, embarrassed, defensive, etc. and will either shut down (flight) or power up (fight).


OR

4) Give them subtle messages like look away when they are doing something displeasing or not be as friendly, so they can self correct.

The Problem: Often people don’t know what they are doing that needs to change and will interpret your distancing as disrespectful or that you don’t care about them.


TOPunitive

WITHAccountability

Neglectful

NotPermissive

For

HIGH

LOW

Con

trol

(pr

ogre

ssiv

e di

scip

line)

Support (encouragement, nurture) HIGH

Adapted by Janet Schmidt from Ted Wachtel (1999, February). RestorativeJustice in Everyday Life: Beyond the Formal Ritual.

Social Discipline Window


Views on Discipline1. Identify a recent time when you used each of the

strategies (neglectful, permissive, accountability, punitive)

2. Are there certain strategies that you gravitate towards?

3. What are your beliefs and values that support your preferred discipline strategies. Are they the same or different than those that raised you or taught you?


Punishment ApproachAn offence is viewed as a violation of the institution (state, school, workplace, association) defined by rule breaking and guilt. Justice determines blame and administers pain in a contest between the offending party and the institution generally directed by systematic rules.

Typical Questions:•What rule has been broken?•Who is to blame?•What do they deserve?


Participatory Approach

An offence is a violation of people and relationships. It creates obligations to make things right. Justice involves the person that has been hurt, the offending party, and the community in a search for solutions which promote repair, reconciliation, and reassurance that the situation will not occur.

Typical Questions:•Who has been hurt?•What are their needs?•Who is obligated to address these needs?


TOPunitive

WITHAccountability

Neglectful

NotPermissive

For

HIGH

LOW

Con

trol

(pr

ogre

ssiv

e di

scip

line)

Support (encouragement, nurture) HIGH

Adapted by Janet Schmidt from Ted Wachtel (1999, February). RestorativeJustice in Everyday Life: Beyond the Formal Ritual.

Social Discipline Window


Your contribution….

1. You didn’t do something you should have or you did something you shouldn’t of.

2. Process• Avoided until now• Been unapproachable/unavailable

3. Intersections (differences colliding)• Background, preferences, communication style

4. Unclear Role Expectations5. Reactions to others behaviour


CASE STUDY Reflection #6What has been your contribution?

1. Have you been silent?2. Have you acted it out rather than talked it out?3. Have you been defensive in previous conversations?4. Did you miss asking them why it happened?5. Have you been punitive in the past with this person? 6. Have you used the best ‘volume’ level?7. Have you provided support for the person? Do they

feel supported?(How would they answer this question?)


Elements of Effective Conflict Resolution/Management

1. Caring/Compassion/Support (being kind)2. Honesty/Clarity (being clear)

What are you good at? What do you sometimes miss?

(Their perception not yours)


Lunch!


Elements of Effective Conflict Resolution/Management

1. Caring/Compassion/Support (being kind)2. Honesty/Clarity (being clear)

What are you good at? What do you sometimes miss?

(Their perception not yours)


Why is this not easy….


DEFENSIVENESS

• Defensiveness is a behavioural response to a perceived threat or attack to ones face or self-esteem.

• Result of what and how something is communicated.



Two Pathways of the Brain

1. The first path is connected to thought; our consciousness allows us to become aware, feel the emotion, comprehend its meaning, and ultimately choose an appropriate action.

2. The second path (much faster) is designed to take immediate defensive action, focusing on bodily responses. This happens unconsciously.


Three Core Identities1) I am competent! Am I Competent?

2) I am a good person! Am I a Good Person?

3) I am worthy of love! Am I Worthy of Love?

Which identity do you feel challenges at moments like this?

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen Penguin, 1999


Cognitive Dissonance

Self Justification

Mistakes Were Made (but not by me), Carol Travis and Elliot Aronson, Harcourt, 2007


Frequent Trigger for Defensiveness

Evaluation – You are evaluating or judging the other person.

Description – You describe what is going on rather than evaluating it.


Example

Evaluation: •“You don’t know what you’re talking about!”•“That would never work.”•“You are a bully, sexist, racist, mircro- manager…

Utube by Jay Sooth on Racism


“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human

intelligence.”By J. Krishnamurti

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion Marshall B. Rosenberg p. 29


Feedback Often Includes

• Description

• Interpretation

• Evaluation



Describe without evaluation the expectation gap(s). Also clearly name a number of things the person does well.

“Exaggerating things or minimizing things can lead to problems so we need to do our best to see things the way they really are.”


Feedback Pitfalls1. Exaggeration of frequency2. Judgmental – inferring

negative intent3. Blaming4. Vague5. Rambling6. In Public7. Aggressive8. We don’t give any


Note: Defensiveness lingers…

That energy surge from our heightened state of readiness (adrenalin) takes 20 minutes to 1 hour to dissipate. During that time, people will not be able to think clearly. The time becomes even longer if someone does something to keep it going.

You can’t talk someone out of being defensive!


Cognitive Dissonance

Taki

ng R

espo

nsib

ility Self Justification


Courageous ConversationsResolution Skills Centre, Winnipeg, Canada

“The truth is that many confrontations fail not because others are bad and wrong but because we handle them poorly.” p. 46

Crucial Confrontations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, McGraw Hill, 2005


Options

• Being defensive is our primary strategy to self-protection.

• What are other options?

“To be open is to be vulnerable and to be vulnerable is to be weak.”


PinchCrunch

Recovering from the negative impact of our actions:post pinch or crunch


Three things to Accept about Yourself

1. You will make mistakes.2. Your intentions are complex.• Conscious• Less conscious• Unconscious3. You have contributed to the problem.


Reasons to admit your mistakes

1. You will probably be found out anyway.2. You will learn and grow.3. You undoubtedly did something that resulted in

making the situation worse.4. You can lead by example.5. People will like you more.


The irony

“The mind wants to protect itself from the pain of dissonance with the balm of self-justification, but

the soul wants to confess.” (p. 217)



Remember a good apology is rarely the end of the conversation. Most often it removes the conversation barrier and

allows for the critical conversation (renegotiation) to take place.


Balancing the Head and the Heart


Beliefs about Conflict

Others typically respond to me in the way I invite them to the table. The kind of

space I create for others is the way they will show up to me.


CASE STUDY: Reflection #8

As you reflect on your case study, what is your next step?

What are one or two other ideas you want to incorporate from this workshop?


HAPPINESS = Reality - Expectations


And they also have expectations of you…

Two questions to discover their expectations of you.

1)What do you need me to do more off?

2)What do you need me to less off?


Four Things Every Employee Wants to Know

1. What am I supposed to do?2. Will you let me do it?3. Will you help me when I need it?4. Will you let me know how I’m doing?

Remember: Performance is impacted the most by frequency and timeliness of feedback

www.allthingsworkplace.com


“Life shrinks or expands in proportion of one’s

courage.”


Anais Nin

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion of one’s

courage.”

Email: [email protected] Coming Website: www.janetschmidt.ca

Documents

Courageous Conversations COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS: When and How for the ANDSOOHA Public Health Nursing Management Facilitated by : Janet P. Schmidt