TBASeminarCreatingandManagingProductiveRelationshipsinMediations-

PracticalandEthicalConsiderationsByStephenL.Shields

Jackson,Shields,Yeiser&HoltRule31GeneralCivilMediator

sshields@jsyc.com

November2,2016

Trust

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the mostessential ingredient in effectivecommunication. It’s the foundationprinciple that hold all relationships.”

-Stephen Covey

• Mediationcreatesanexpectationoftrustworthiness.

• Howdoesonegoaboutbuildingtrustneededtoform

workingrelationships?

• Andthequestionofbuildingtrustbecomesanethical

question

RelationshipIsBuiltOnTrust

• SelfDetermination

• Doyour“interactions”supportitorundermineit.

It’sAboutEthics

EthicalInterventions• Promoterationalthinking

• Promoteunderstandingoftheirmatter

• BalancedInterventions

• EmotionalBrain• RedZone

• RationalBrain• BlueZone

• MovefromtheRedZonetotheBlueZone

• Reducethenegativeemotionalcharge!

• GainClarity

Brain

• Whoisintheroom?• Prose– ProSe• Attorney/Client– ProSe

• Attorney/Client– Attorney/Client• Others

• Whatstageofdispute?• Pre-lawsuit(earlydisputeresolution)• Lawsuit/Early(priortodiscovery,priortoMotionforSummary

Judgment)• Lawsuit/Late

• Relationship(s)– whowillbeintheroom

ContextAffectsMediator’sActions

SomeObservationsAboutHumanNature

• Weareemotional

• Wewanttobeheard

• Wewantitourway

• Weresistbeingcoercedorpushed

• Wewanttobejudgedbyourintentions

• Wedon’ttrust“them”

• Wewantanally

Thinkofaconflictyouareinvolvedinorawareof.

Didyouseekoutathirdperson?

TRIANGLE

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT OF THISPERSON?

WalkingtheLine

Ally Adversary

YouNeedToBuildATrust/RapportAccount(becauseyouwillneedtomakewithdrawals)

• ProbingQuestions• Abouttheircase• Costofpursuing• Andpossibilityoflosing

• Beingaskedtotakeless(orpaymore)thantheirinitialgoal

OverviewoftheMediationProcess

• Prior• Opening• During• Agreement/After

PODA2

OR

HOWDOYOU BEGINTO BUILDRAPPORTAND TRUST?

KeystoGoodOutcomes• ProceduralInterests

• Tohavesufficienttimetotelltheirstory• Tobeheard/understood

• Tobetreatedwithrespect

• Tobetreatedfairly

• SubstantiveInterests (whatyou“getattheendofnegotiations)

• Objective

• Intrinsic

ProceduralInterest

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

AllThingsBeingEqualProcessCompetent

SubjectMatterCompetent

Prior• SendInformation

• ReviewPre- MediationStatements

• ContactAttorneys

• DiscussProcessandOtherImportantInformation

• OutlineCase/ReviewtheLanguageoftheCase

• ManageExpectations/NoSurprises

• Facetoface

• Touch

• Food

Oxytocin

Opening/ManageExpectationsandCreateaHopefulEnvironment

• YourRole

• RoleofAttorneys

• Today’sObjective

• WhatmakesitSuccessful• Optimistic• Communication• Confidentiality• PerspectiveTaking

• WhatcanbeFrustrating• Time/Perceptionitwon’tSettle• Patience• AppearanceofPartiality(Realism)

Voices• Mediator’svoice

• Otherattorney’svoice

• Adjuster’svoice

• Client’svoice

• Judge’svoice

• Juror’svoice

• Other

DuringNegotiations• Goslowtogofast

• UseKeyMediationCommunicationSkills

• [1]Attending:• Non-verbal• Listen• Labeltheemotion• Pickupafewwords• Mirror

• [2]Reflecting• Restating• Summarizing• Reframing

CommunicationSkills:KeySkillsfortheMediator

• [3]Following:

• Activelistening

• Askingquestions

[1]ATTENDINGCOMMUNICATION SKILLS:KEY SKILLS FOR THE MEDIATOR

Non-Verbal• Attire

• Personalspace

• Eyecontact

• Facialexpression

• Gestures

• Calmpresence

• Food

• Physicalsetting

• Mirroring

ListeningIncludesManyElements:60-80%NONVERBAL©Zweibel,E,Goldstein,R,Manwaring,J.ConflictResolution:CommunicationUnit.https://maestro.uottawa.ca

• Goodlisteningishelpfulinandofitself– ifyoudonothingelseinmediation...

• Buildstrustandrapport

• Deescalates/calms

• Calmhelpscreateclarity

• Listeningisaprecursortoproblem-solving

• Feelslikea“gift”– everyonewantstobeheard

ListeningIsImportantAndPowerful

• I=Interruptions

• D=Distractions

• Minimizeboth

NoID’s

• ListenforContent

• ListenforEmotion

Listening

• Labeltheemotion(affectlabeling)

• Thesciencebehindlabeling

LabelTheEmotion

• Labelingtheemotionalcontentofastatement,expression,gesture,orothercommunication

• Thatis,“namingit”:

AffectLabeling

Anger ResentmentSadness HurtFrustration GriefDisrespect AnxietyBetrayal SurpriseHumiliation PrideLoneliness Satisfaction

• fMRIstudiessuggestthataffectlabeling:• May diminish the response of the amygdala, other limbicregions sensitive to negative emotions

• May produce increased activity in the right ventrolateralprefrontal cortex (a more rational part of the brain ...)

• Lieberman et al., Pyschol Sci. 2007 May; 18(5):421-8

• Result: The person feels “truly heard”, can calm down

• Result: The calming occurs because the use of languageneurologically helps the person transition from theemotional part of the brain to the rational

AffectLabeling

• Reflect/repeatthelastfewwords

• Lastword

Or

• Pickupafewwords

MinimalEncourager/PickUpAFewWords

• Reflecttheirbodylanguage

• Reflecttheirtoneofvoice

• Reflecttheirwords

OtherKeyTechniquesForBuildingRapport(Mirror)

TheArtofPeopleBy:DaveKerpen

HisThreeActionSteps

• Listen

• Mirror

• Validate

“Empathy is best described as a genuine understanding and appreciation of another’s feelings. Thepeople around you need to see that they are important to you. Mary Kay cosmetics founder MaryKay Ash said that everyone has an invisible sign around their necks that reads, “Make Me FeelImportant.” When people feel important, they will be empowered to do their best for you. Leaderswho lack an empathetic face usually find it difficult to get others to cooperate with them or theiragendas.

People will trust you once they know you have a genuine concern for them. Empathy connects withanother person because you find common ground, whether in pain, joy, sorrow, or celebration. Toshare in another person’s moment in an empathetic was creates a bod that goes deeper than youmay ever realize. Think about those times of extreme personal loss. Be it a job, a parent, a spouse,or a child- you felt pain and loneliness in your search for answers. Your greatest aid likely came fromthe people you knew well but had never known they had also suffered the same loss until theyshared with you while wearing an empathetic face. People want to know you care. Every daysomeone is looking for another person to simply listen and feel what they are feeling. When youlisten, people realize they are important to you. Without saying a word, your face can express deepconcern for them.”

From:ToyBoxLeadershipBy:RonHunter,Jr.andMichaelWaddell

AlwaysPackanEmpatheticFace:

[2]REFLECTIVESKILLS

COMMUNICATION SKILLS:KEY SKILLS FOR THE MEDIATOR

• Restating

• Summarizing/Coremessage

• Reframing

[2]ReflectiveSkills

Restate

“WordforWord”

Summarizing2

Purpose

• Ensureyouhavecorrectlyunderstood

• Permitparty/partiestoreflect,correctwhattheyhavesaid

• Buildrapport

Technique

• Conciselyparaphrasetheparty'sessentialcontentinyourownwords.

• Listenfortheemotionalcontentandintensityandaccuratelyexpressitbacktothespeaker.

• Pulltogetherandorganizedisparatefacts,ideasandthemes,usingneutrallanguage.

1

Reframing

• When• How

• Change the View- effect a new focus

• Demands to Needs

Reframing

[3]FOLLOWINGSKILLS

COMMUNICATION SKILLS:KEY SKILLS FOR THE MEDIATOR

• Open-endedquestions

• Close-endedquestions

• Clarifyingquestions

• Option-generatingquestions

• Realitytestingquestions

ActiveListening/AskingQuestions

• Listenwithfullattention

• Acknowledgetheirfeelings

• Givetheirfeelingsaname

• Askquestions

• Mirror

SumUp

Success

Allofthesemicro-interventionsadduptogoodmediation.

There is no single magic bullet