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Curb Your Enthusiasm "The San Francisco Tweet"
By
Jarred Hodgdon
Jarred Hodgdon
5706 Fair Avenue #216
North Hollywood, CA 91601
(510) 816-1414
FADE IN
EXT. HIGHWAY 5 - DAY
A black Mercedes SL AMG 500 speeds through the dry farmlands
along miles of straight road.
INT/EXT. MERCEDES - CONTINUOUS
A MAN lies unconscious in the backseat, covered in a pile of
clothes- there appears to be a gag in his mouth.
Tossing and turning--he jerks up into consciousness, it is
Larry David.
LARRY
Ah! Ah, ah ah.
Jeff turns back from the drivers seat.
JEFF
What, what is it?!
LARRY
This stupid eye cover...it got into
my mouth, nearly choked me!
JEFF
What did you even need the stupid
thing for?
LARRY
To sleep! To stimulate the darkness
of a pleasant night by covering my
eyes!
JEFF
It’s eleven AM, you got a good
nights sleep already.Whadda you
need to nap for?
LARRY
Eh, car rides make me sleepy.
JEFF
If you’re so sleepy from a car
ride, you should fall asleep
naturally, you don’t need the
stupid eye cover!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
LARRY
What are we driving for anyways?
JEFF
You agreed to this Twitter
fundraiser for Groats disease two
months ago!
LARRY
But that’s a thing on the computer,
I didn’t think I’d have to go to
San Francisco.
JEFF
It’s a live tweet thing- a big
deal.
LARRY
We shoulda flown.
JEFF
It was your new Assistants idea to
drive.
We see Leon in the front passenger seat- pulls off his
headphones.
LEON
This wasn’t my idea mothafucka. I
said we gotta go Greyhound.
JEFF
Oh yeah, me and Larry on a bus.
LEON
Greyhound! Lemme tell you
something...
LARRY
--I’m not taking a bus.
LEON (CONT’D)
These buses got wi-fi, air
condition, plush seats,
an muthafuckin’ outlets. I coulda
got all my shit done in there.
JEFF
All your shit, huh.
LEON
Yeah all my shit! Lots to do
working for Larry goddamn David.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
JEFF
Explain it to me, Leon. What’s it
like?
LEON
You should know! I tole him to fire
your ass, you a lot of dead weight!
JEFF
Fire me!?
LEON
Hell yeah. Manager?! What do you
even manage? I’m a personal adviser
to this muthafucka. He doesn’t need
no Manager. He’s Larry muthafuckin’
David. Larry Seinfeld David!
JEFF
I used to like you Leon. Now I’m
not so sure.
LEON
Dead weight. Lots of extra L B’s on
the payroll.
JEFF
You advised against flying, that’s
all I need to know about your
expertise.
LEON
You two always complainin’ about
flyin’. Every single time I hear
it! The waiting. The lines. The pat
down.
LARRY
(to Jeff)
Don’t act so innocent. You signed
on to this, romanticizing the road.
Talking about the beautiful views
along the coastline.
JEFF
I like a good drive now and again.
LEON
--This road is some desolate shit
right here.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
LARRY
You didn’t even take Highway 1?!
Where’s the ocean? Big Sur?
JEFF
Highway 5, it’s quicker. A straight
shot.
LARRY
What’re we doing anyway?! Going to
San Francisco. Who cares!?
JEFF
You were on board, one hundred
percent.
LARRY
You’re dragging me along because
you can’t stand your stinking life.
I’m kidnapped on your return to
youthful abandon.
JEFF
Oh. Like my youth in San Francisco,
huh?
LARRY
Yeah, a flower child, I can see it.
(singing)
"If you’re going to San
Francisco..."
JEFF
I went to Harvard.
LEON
Ha Ha! Larry David with some
flowers in his hair.
(to Jeff)
But yo, this Twitter shit is some
good managing shit right here. You
Props on this one.
Leon initiates a fist bump with Jeff.
LARRY
I can’t believe I agreed to this.
JEFF
It’ll be great. The live tweet, and
they’ll verify you while we’re
there. Publicity all around.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
LEON
First work I ever seen you done.
Good job my man.
JEFF
Thank you.
LEON
Get me verified while yer at it.
JEFF
Verified?! You’re not famous.
LEON
What are you talkin?! You know how
many bitches I get offa Twitter?
JEFF
You meet bitches on Twitter?
LEON
I get the baddest bitches on there.
LARRY
Oh, oh! So there’s bitches to be
had on Twitter? Well, sign me up!
JEFF
Just try it out, Larry! Twitter was
made for you. All it is is snide
and angry observations.
LEON
And bitches, lotsa bad bitches.
JEFF
It’s where the business is headed,
people get deals off of Twitter
nowadays.
LARRY
Deals!? Oooo, I can get a deal.
What am I supposed to do, tweet at
some exec now if I want a meeting?!
JEFF
No, not you. You just ask me and I
make a call.
LEON
-- Yo, I need to get somethin’ to
eat. I’m hungry as fuck.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
LARRY
We could have been there by now if
we flew! I’m stuck in your Kerouac
hobo fantasy.
JEFF
Hobo?! Like a riding the rails
hobo?!
LARRY
Like a hobo, with the bindle and
the stubby cigar just traveling
around wherever the dusty road
leads you!
JEFF
It’s a 6 hour drive!
LEON
--Lets get some food muthafuckas.
LARRY
Yeah 6 hours. Oh yeah. that means
10 hours with bathroom stops. Two
ways, that’s 20 hours. All because
you hate your wife.
JEFF
I don’t hate my wife!
LARRY
Really? Willing to go on record
with that?
LEON
Yo. We need to eat!
LARRY
Sure. Let’s stop at one of these
fine, local dining establishments
on our journey here. Let’s see, we
just passed a Taco Bell, Wendy’s
and McDonald’s. But maybe if we’re
lucky there’ll be a Wendy’s,
McDonald’s or Taco Bell at the next
exit!
Jeff’s cell phone is ringing.
JEFF
Speaking of...quiet guys.
Jeff clicks the phone to come through car speakers.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
JEFF (CONTINUED)
Hey, hunny.
INTERCUT INT. GREENE HOME/ FAMILY AREA - SAME
Susie is on her cellphone.
SUSIE
Where the fuck’s your car?
JEFF
I told you I’m going to San
Francisco with Larry.
SUSIE
I know, why’s the car gone?
JEFF
We’re driving.
SUSIE
Okay, San Francisco. You’re in Palm
Springs right now with some fucking
bimbo I’m sure!
JEFF
(to Larry and Leon)
Help me out here?
LARRY
Hey, Suze.
SUSIE
Larry, if you two are chasing tail,
I swear to God, Larry.
LEON
Yo, Susie, it’s all good girl, we
just on the 5, making good time.
SUSIE
Oh, hi Leon. You keep an eye on
those two for me okay?
LEON
You got it, baby. Pussy police
right here, whoop whoop.
JEFF
See hunny, all is well. A working
trip.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
SUSIE
What did you drive for, you stupid
fat fuck? I told you, I signed you
up to be chaperon at Sammy’s dance
Friday night.
JEFF
The dance, I forgot! We’re not
going to make it back in time.
Jeff pulls into a truck stop/gas station/Wendy’s.
SUSIE
Goddammit! How many times have I
told you. You can be a shitty
husband all you want, but you can’t
be a shitty father!
JEFF
I’m sorry, Suze. I’m sorry!
SUSIE
Thanks a lot, you fuck! I gotta go,
you better fix this.
LARRY (IN UNISON)
Bye, Susie.
LEON (IN UNISON)
Later, baby.
SUSIE
Bye, Leon.
Susie hangs up.
Jeff’s phone BEEPS. Jeff, Leon and Larry stare straight
ahead at the Gas Station/ Wendy’s they are parked in front
of.
LEON
Yo playa’s, lets eat.f
LARRY
All I ask, is that before we leave
San Francisco, I get a bowl of clam
chowder.
JEFF
I promise you a bowl of clam
chowder.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
LEON
Get yo ass on Twitter. I’ll show
you how to get all the clams on
there.
INT. WENDY’S/TRUCK STOP - MINUTES LATER
Larry and Jeff are picking at their combo meals.
JEFF
Nothing tastes better than some
road junk food.
LARRY
Really? Nothing?
JEFF
It’s guilt free. Lack of options,
so it’s guilt free.
LARRY
Mmmm. I think there’s some space
for guilt. They do have salads on
the menu at these places.
JEFF
You don’t get a salad at a Wendy’s!
LARRY
Some people...some people get a
salad at Wendy’s.
JEFF
See, that’s a tweet right there.
LARRY
If something that banal constitutes
a tweet, I’ll have no part of it.
JEFF
Really? You’re a highfalutin
purveyor of culture are you?
LARRY
When it comes to what comes out of
me? Banal, crass observations all
day. What I choose to consume? High
class cultural products my friend.
JEFF
That’s true, I’ve seen your DVR-
It’s all MSNBC and PBS.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
LARRY
What’re we doing when we get there
anyway? Where are we staying?
JEFF
That’s a surprise my friend. I got
a nice surprise.
LARRY
Just a nice normal hotel, with
decent room service, okay? I don’t
even want to have to take the
elevator down to the restaurant.
JEFF
No, no. I did one better.
LARRY
Then door to door service to this
Twitter thing, and that’s it! Don’t
ask anything else of me.
JEFF
What happened to Leon?
LARRY
I don’t know. That guy, he’s like a
distracted child. A place like
this? Snacks, road stop
bric-a-brac, it’s like an exotic
bazaar out of Ali Baba to him.
JEFF
Why’d you make that guy your
Assistant?!
LARRY
Smartest thing I’ve ever done.
JEFF
The smartest? Really?!
LARRY
The. Smartest...Let me tell you.
That guy is mooching off me
anyways. But you give him something
to do? He’s like a pitbull. Dry
cleaning, grocery shopping,
answering e-mails, nobody fucks
with me since I got this guy on the
payroll. And he can work an excel
spreadsheet like nobodies business.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
JEFF
Huh. Ya don’t say.
LARRY
Yeah I say. But you changed the
subject. Where are we staying?
JEFF
Robin’s house.
LARRY
Robin Williams?!
JEFF
Yep. Robin Williams.
LARRY
No!
JEFF
What?!
LARRY
I don’t want to stay with him! It’s
always a production with that guy,
he never shuts up!
Leon strolls up, wearing new sweatpants and a truck stop
tee, a wet towel over his shoulders, carrying a black
shopping bag.
LEON
Who never shuts up?
LARRY
Robin Williams.
Leon begins to eat Larry’s chicken tenders.
JEFF
We’re staying at his place Leon.
LEON
Fer reals? Robin Williams? Right
on, I love that muthafucka. That
movie Jack? That’s my shit right
there.
JEFF
Where were you?!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
LEON
Shower.
LARRY
You took a shower?!
LEON
Fuck yeah I took a shower. They got
em out the back for the truckers.
Two quarters! Best fuckin’ water
pressure in the goddamn world. My
ass sweaty out here. Gotta have a
truck stop shower.
JEFF
A truck stop shower!
LEON
You mutchafucka’s need to get you a
shower. It’s gettin’ musty up in
that car. We don’t wanna show up
all funky to Patch Adams spot.
Jeff and Larry look to each other, shrugging with
consideration.
PRE-LAP- a doorbell CHIMES
INT. ROBIN WILLIAMS HOUSE/ FOYER -DAY
ROBIN WILLIAMS (62), opens the door.
There on his porch are Larry, Jeff and Leon- all wearing
sweatpants and truck stop tee’s with weekend bags in hands.
ROBIN
Jeff, Larry come on in!
LARRY
Robin, so good to see you.
Robin shakes Leon’s hand.
ROBIN
And you are?
LEON
Leon. Carpe Diem my man!
ROBIN
Come on in. You can set your bags
down in the living room.
13.
INT. ROBIN WILLIAMS HOUSE/ DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Everyone is well into their meal and wine, now joined by
Robin’s friend, PENNY MARSHALL (70). Leon has the
conversation locked down.
LEON
--Now, Mrs. Doubtfire isn’t my
favorite Robin Williams movie, but
it’s got my favorite Robin Williams
line.
ROBIN
Really, what’s that?
Leon stiffens his body and face, with gaping mouth.
LEON
Look I’m a hot hog.
Everyone LAUGHS uproariously except Larry, throwing his
napkin on the table- unimpressed.
LEON (CONT’D)
(to Robin)
Do that shit for me man! You gotta!
JEFF AND PENNY
Yeah! Come on!
Robin stiffens his body and face, with gaping jaw.
ROBIN
Hey look I’m a hot dog.
LAUGHTER erupts...Except for-
LARRY
Oh yeah! That’s so funny. You’re a
hot dog. But no wait you’re not
really a hot dog, you’re a regular
man! Oh my god, that’s hilarious.
Let me try.
Larry stiffens his body and face, with gaping jaw.
LARRY (CONT’D)
Oh! I’m a hot dog.
Laughter subsides - smiles fade.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
ROBIN
Larry, I think it’s great you’re
doing the "Tweet for Groats" thing.
LARRY
Yeah, I’m really excited.
ROBIN
You’ll see. It feels really good to
give back. Even with small things
like this.
LARRY
Oh, yeah. Small things. We drove 10
hours up here, having this
wonderful meal...it feels more like
a priveledge than charity.
ROBIN
Still, no need to be humble. Every
little effort helps.
LARRY
Believe me, I know. This isn’t my
first rodeo pal. I did quite a lot
of work for the NRDC.
ROBIN
That’s right. Your wife was very
involved in that wasn’t she?
LEON
Ex wife. She left that muthafucka.
LARRY
It was my work too. I did quite a
lot. If you really want to get down
to it, it was my house for all the
functions, I paid for the hors
d’oeuvre’s. I was very involved!
Very involved!
ROBIN
I’m sorry Larry, I hadn’t heard
your marriage dissolved, if you
want any--
LARRY
Comic Relief, huh?
ROBIN (IN UNISON)
Well not just--
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
LARRY (CONT’D)
That’s your big calling card?
ROBIN (IN UNISON)
I’ve done a lot of work since--
LARRY
Yeah, Comic Relief. Such a
sacrifice. You have to get up
there, on stage, on HBO, and do
exactly what you normally do
anyways. That’s such a sacrifice.
ROBIN
Well. We’re both noble guys, let’s
leave it at that.
LARRY
No. You’re noble, so noble--
JEFF
--Hey! So, Penny what are you doing
in Frisco?
PENNY
(looking to Robin)
Can I?
ROBIN
Go ahead, tell em- We’re working on
something of a...legacy franchise.
PENNY
We’re doing Mork!
JEFF
No way!
LARRY
Mork? Like "Mork and Mindy" Mork?!
LEON
--Nanoo nanoo, that’s my shit right
there!
LARRY
No offense, but who wants to see an
old Mork?
PENNY
Actually, it would be a young Mork.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
LEON
They age backwards an shit Larry,
not like us.
ROBIN
"Mork Of Ork" - working title. It’s
actually a coming of age story of
Mork’s teenage years on Ork.
LEON
--He had a Jonathan Winters baby.
LARRY
You’ve been quite successful you
know. You can do nearly any project
you want.
ROBIN
Larry. Come on, we were going over
the look book in the living room
earlier, come see.
LARRY
Eh.
Robin and Penny rise, dragging Larry along. Jeff gets up-
LEON
(to Jeff)
Yo, hold back.
Everyone else exits.
LEON (CONT’D)
You don’t think I’m up to this
Assistant shit, but I got this
locked down. Got a plan to make
shit right with Suze.
JEFF
What’s that?
LEON
You take a plane back tomorrow,
right after this Twitter thing, an
me and Lare drive your car back.
Then you can chaperon that dance
shit.
JEFF
I don’t care about the dance.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
LEON
I’m lookin’ out for you despite
yoself. Beside, you wanna be in a
car with that muthafucka? You know
he’ll be real worked up after that
Twitter shit.
JEFF
Alright, you’re right.
LEON
I’ll get you a cab, a flight, all
that shit.
JEFF
You are a good Assistant.
LEON
Damn straight.
Jeff and Leon fist bump.
INT. ROBIN WILLIAMS HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Robin and Penny stand in front of a screen, upon which is
projected concept art- everyone else sits on the couch.
ROBIN
(indicating screen)
3D renderings of what Ork will look
like.
He clicks through.
INSERT: Concept sketches of Orkan creatures.
ROBIN (CONT’D)
You can see, the world of Ork will
be magnificently rendered.
LEON
This some Avatar shit right here.
ROBIN
ILM is involved actually.
Robin clicks.
INSERT: Ridiculous illustration of Mork hatching from an
egg.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
ROBIN (CONT’D)
As a Producer Larry, I’d love your
thoughts on all this.
LARRY
Yeah. It looks like you’re working
hard. It looks like...a Mork movie.
PENNY
Show him the costume.
ROBIN
This will bowl you over- a
prototype.
Robin retrieves a bag (located near Leon, Larry and Jeff’s
bags). He pulls it out and holds it up- Mork’s costume,
looking like the classic red jumpsuit with silver triangle,
except modernized with material like out of The Amazing
Spider-Man.
LEON
That’s legit right there.
JEFF
That’s amazing!
ROBIN
Larry, what do you think?
LARRY
It’s great, you got a hit. Soooo
amazing. It’s such a coincidence
though. I was thinking of a
developing an ALF reboot, is that
too similar?
ROBIN
Alright, Larry. Apparently you
don’t see it.
PENNY
Some of us are creatives, Larry
David.
Penny carefully folds and puts the costume back in the bag.
ROBIN
I work for something more than what
Seinfeld residuals can provide.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.
LEON
Don’t even listen to Larry, this
shit’s dope!
PENNY
It’s vision! We want to make
something about something.
LARRY
Okay, okay! Good luck with that.
ROBIN
Fuck you, Larry.
LARRY
Oh yeah? Well Shazbot to you!
ROBIN
Shazbot to you!
LARRY
Shazbot you! Shazbot you!
ROBIN
You know what...go! Just get out, I
had the guest beds made up and
everything, but just leave.
Jeff, Larry and Leon start picking up the bags and moving
towards the door. Larry is seething.
JEFF
Robin, I’m so sorry.
LEON
Hey, I love you Robin Williams!
ROBIN
You’re cool, Leon. You can come
back.
On his way out the door-
LARRY
Kicking us out on the street?! Good
move, Mr Comic Relief!
20.
INT/EXT. JEFF’S MERCEDES - MORNING
Larry sits in the passenger seat, looking tired and
miserable. Jeff drives with Leon in the backseat, tweeting
on his phone.
LARRY
I can’t do this. Let’s just go
home.
JEFF
Don’t be stupid. It’ll be quick and
easy...and fun. It’ll be fun.
LARRY
I didn’t get any sleep. That hotel
you found, Leon, was terrible.
LEON
Well you shoulda let your Assistant
know earlier that you needed a
muthafuckin hotel room before that
shit was all booked up. Don’t go to
your Manager for that shit. You go
to your Manager you end up gettin’
kicked the fuck outta Robin
Williams house.
LARRY
Whatever, I’m not doing this
Twitter thing.
JEFF
As your Manager, I say your doing
it.
LARRY
As my Manager, you don’t have the
authority to tell me what to do so
I’m not!
LEON
As the muthafucka that manages your
muthafuckin calendar I say we are
Larry. You ain’t fuckin’ this shit
up for me right now. Ladies be
buckwild up on Twitter, Larry.
LARRY
Fine. Let’s go! But then we’re
getting clam chowder.
21.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET - DAY
Larry, Jeff and Leon amble towards the Twitter offices as
normal downtown city life bustles around them.
LARRY
Okay. So you can only say things in
144 characters?
LEON
Lemme show you Lare...here, I
installed that shit for you.
LARRY
This is on my phone now?
LEON
It’s on your phone!
JEFF
You can use the same account on
your desktop.
Leon shows Larry the phone.
LEON
Got your picture up in the profile
on there.
LARRY
That picture?!
LEON
It was the only one in your phone.
INSERT SCREEN - A pic Larry took of himself on accident- not
flattering.
LARRY
And that’s my name? @LarryDavid4 ?!
LEON
There was at least three fake Larry
David’s in there and they was
sayin’ some fucked up shit.
LARRY
Fake Larry David’s?! Saying fucked
up shit?!
JEFF
See, that’s why we gotta get you
verified, get you out front of this
thing.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
LARRY
Fine, but this whole thing’s
creepy. I’m not going to be
tweeting.
LEON
Yo, I’m already on it. I’ll take
care all that.
LARRY
What, tweet for me? You can’t do
that!
JEFF
Sure he can! Most the celebrities
have Assistants and staff handle
Twitter.
LARRY
No kidding? That’s great. Just keep
it professional.
LEON
No shit, I already got a few out
the pipe, check this.
Larry grabs the phone.
INSERT SCREEN AND TWEET
LARRY
(reading)
"Gettin verified today like a real
G. Lookin at all you punk ass fake
Larry Davids. @LarryDavid
@LarryDavid3 @FakeLarryDavid"
(looking up)
Perfect! Leon, you’re amazing!
LEON
F’sho, brotha!
JEFF
What about @LarryDavid2 ? You left
him out.
LEON
Yeah, he just looked like a
Chiropractor Larry David. His shit
checked out.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.
LARRY
(re : Twitter App)
No, no! Who keeps track of this
thing?! They’re saying goddawful
things on here?!
INT. TWITTER OFFICE - DAY
Larry storms into the large, open floor plan office - Jeff
and Leon folowing behind. HIP YOUNG TECHIES buzz about.
LARRY
Hey, hey, excuse me?!
Larry grabs a YOUNG LADY (25) by the shoulders, holding up
and reading off his phone.
LARRY (CONT’D)
"Confused about something and I
scratched my balls. Because my
balls look like my head"?
Up in the woman’s face.
LARRY (CONT’D)
I didn’t say that! What’s wrong
with you people?!
Jeff and Leon pull Larry off of her.
JEFF
I’m sorry ma’am.
Leon checks her out up and down. She scurries off, while a
Twitter VP, GABRIEL STRICKER (45) bounds up to them-
grabbing Larry’s hand.
GABRIEL
Larry, good to meet you. I’m
Gabriel Stricker, marketing here at
Twitter.
LARRY
Hi, Gabe.
Gabriel starts walking, Larry, Jeff and Leon follow.
GABRIEL
Thanks so much for coming out and
taking part in this campaign. We’re
going to do some great work. We’ll
settle in here, go over a few
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.
GABRIEL (cont’d)points, get you something to drink,
and it’ll be a great day. How was
your flight up, guys?
Gabriel halts in a corner lounge area. Everyone follows his
lead and sits down.
LARRY
The flight. How was the flight?
Hmmm, lemme think...How was the
flight. Pretty good. Pretty.
Pretty. Good.
GABRIEL
That’s great. So we’ll get started
around 1, live tweeting, with a
live stream on the web. We were
thinking you could answer fan
tweets for awhile, we have a number
of Groats related hashtags that
have already rolled out, so feel
free to to start using some of
those.
LEON
--This muthafucka needs to get
verified too.
LARRY
Can we go to your office to talk?
GABRIEL
I usually just like to set up and
work right here.
Larry looks around, the office bustling with TECHIES walking
around.
LARRY (CONT’D)
(disbelief)
You don’t have an office?
JEFF
Open floor plan, Larry.
LARRY
Alright. You don’t have an office.
GABRIEL
I like working just like this.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.
LARRY
Where’s the computer?
GABRIEL
I’ll often sit right here, in this
seat, with my laptop.
LARRY
Your laptop? In your lap?
GABRIEL
In my lap.
LARRY
You lap it.
GABRIEL
I lap it.
Larry starts to stare intensely at Gabriel.
LARRY
Okay. Okay. You don’t have an
office.
Larry and Gabriel size each other up, staring into each
others eyes, cocking their heads about. Jeff and Leon watch
the exchange.
Leon holds up Larry’s phone and takes a picture.
INT. TWITTER OFFICES/ LARGE OPEN AREA - LATER
Larry sits awkwardly on a stool, Gabriel sits near him. A
CROWD of TECHIES and JOURNALISTS watch. A large, slick LCD
monitor features the graphic "#GroatsNoMore".
GABRIEL
We have the creator of Seinfeld,
comedian in his own right, Larry
David with us everyone.
CHEERS all around.
GABRIEL (CONT’D)
And you’re joining us here today
for a great cause aren’t you Larry?
We’re here today to fight Groats
disease, and raise some awareness
aren’t we?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.
LARRY
I think so. I dunno, you tell me? I
thought I was here to get verified,
but I’ll show up anywhere for
Groats.Not to contract Groats of
course, that would be terrible. But
to educate, spread, awareness--
GABRIEL
--Yeah, and we--
LARRY (CONT’D)
And, I’ve had friends who have been
afflicted by this terrible...
IN THE BACK AGAINST THE WALL
Leon and Jeff are spectating.
JEFF
The guys enjoying himself now, see?
LEON
Fuck yeah, Lare’s down. He loves
this attention shit.
Leon’s checking Larry’s phone.
LEON (CONT’D)
Hashtag’s blowin the fuck up too,
everyones tweeting for Groats now.
JEFF
You have his phone still? He’s
supposed to tweet up there.
LEON
Huh? Whazzat?
JEFF
He needs his phone to tweet up
there?
LEON
His phone? Naw he don’t need it.
JEFF
Of course he does.
LEON
This is Twitter, they got ipads and
shit here. All kindsa shit.
BACK TO LARRY AND GABRIEL
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.
GABRIEL
I understand you’ve been tweeting
today? And it’s your first time
too!
LARRY
That’s right. It’s great!
GABRIEL
And the Twitterverse couldn’t be
more excited to have you. Lets pull
it up and see what you’re saying.
Gabriel uses an ipad that sync’s with the TV, now showing
his screen.
LARRY
Oh, you have it up there.
Gabriel navigates and opens Larry’s profile page with the
bad pic, opens a tweet.
INSERT TWEET ON LCD SCREEN
GABRIEL
(reading tweet)
"All up in Twitter today, fly
bitch-" -- okay I’m not reading
this one.
LARRY
(reads)
It says "All up in twitter today.
Bad bitches everywhere. Dem
titties! Silicone Valleys!".
GABRIEL
Well, you’re the comedian right?
Let’s see another.
Gabriel clicks to the next tweet--
INSERT TWEET - Picture of Larry and Gabriel locked in
intense stare. The caption reads, "This muthafucka right
here better verify me".
GABRIEL (CONT’D)
Okay, this ones kinda nice, funny.
I remember that.
LARRY
That was earlier today.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.
GABRIEL
We’ll get to that verification.
LARRY
You better...muthafucka.
GABRIEL
Okay, let’s check in with the
Groats hashtag, and see who’s
tweeting at Larry David here.
Gabriel is clicking and bringing up the hashtag.
GABRIEL (CONT’D)
I’ll remind everyone, the hashtag
"GroatsNoMore" is trending, raising
awareness for the American Groats
Foundation, and generating
donations now. So let’s see here...
INSERT TWEET from Robin Williams.
GABRIEL (CONT’D)
Oh, it looks like a top tweet is
from Robin Williams himself here.
(reading)
" #GroatsNoMore indeed. Groats is
terrible and needs to GTFO. But
@LarryDavid4 ? He can SMD. "
LARRY
What?! Get him off here. What’s SMD
mean.
INTERCUT WITH LEON
LEON
It means suck my dick!
LARRY
What?! What did that shithead say
to me?!
Larry points at Gabriel’s ipad wildly.
LARRY (CONT’D)
Say something back to him. Lemme
say something.
GABRIEL
This isn’t logged to your account.
Don’t you have your phone?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.
LARRY
Leon, I need my phone!
LEON
They got a swag bag for you Larry.
They got ipads.
GABRIEL
We don’t have any swag, Larry.
Confused looks throughout the crowd.
LARRY
Bring me my phone!
Leon fights through the crowd- gets up on the stage.
LARRY (CONT’D)
You got that tweet, Leon?!
LEON
I got that shit right here.
LARRY
Tell Robin Williams I’m gonna get
all up in his ass!
LEON
This bitch gonna get it Larry. We
gonna fuck his ass up!
GABRIEL
--Okay, okay lets bring this back
now.
The crowd is in complete UPROAR.
EXT. TWITTER OFFICES - DAY
Leon stands outside, waiting. Larry comes out the front
doors.
LARRY
Hey! That wasn’t so bad.
He holds his phone out to Leon.
LARRY
I’m verified!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 30.
LEON
You ain’t verified till Leon shows
you how to holla at some females on
there.
LARRY
Okay, okay. Where’s Jeff?
LEON
He peaced out.
LARRY
Peaced out? Whadda you mean he
peaced out?!
LEON
He peaced the fuck out. Got in a
cab to the airport so he can go to
the school dance!
LARRY
That stupid piece of shit! What are
we supposed to do?
LEON
Relax Larry. I arranged it all. I’m
your Assistant right? So I help
that muthafucka by proxy. He’ll
make it to the school dance, and
we’ll drive the car the fuck home.
LARRY
You know what...fine. But I’m not
leaving this city without a bowl of
clam chowder.
LEON
Cool shit. I’ll drive, Larry.
LARRY
Jeff say that’s okay?
LEON
No, that muthafucka said you had to
drive. Fuck his fat ass.
INT/EXT. JEFFS MERCEDES / PARKED AT PIER 39 - DAY
Leon sits in the driver seat- Twittering. The door swings
open, Larry pops in with two bags of food.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 31.
LARRY
Hey, I got the clam-erinos!
LEON
Alright, my man.
LARRY
You are gonna love San Francisco
clam chowder.
LEON
I’m from Lousiana, it’s hard to
impress me when it comes to
seafood.
LARRY
We’ll see.
LEON
Lemme pull out this red zone. I’ll
eat on the road.
INT/EXT. JEFF’S MERCEDES - CONTINUOUS
Leon pulls out into the street and turns,entering the bottom
of a steep San Francisco hill. Larry begins to pull out the
awkward clam chowder bread bowl.
LEON (CONT’D)
This some steep shit right here.
LARRY
My god! This clam chowder bread
bowl is delicious, you gotta try
it!
Larry tries to spoon some to Leon.
LEON
Naw Larry, just tip the bowl up to
me. I’ll sip from the bowl.
Leon is driving up the steep hill as Larry tips a sip from
the bowl into his mouth.
LEON
Oooh that’s hot....Pretty damn good
though.
LARRY
Right?!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 32.
LEON
It ain’t no Crawfish though, Larry.
LARRY
Right. It’s a completely different
dish than crawfish.
LEON
Yo, what’s this muthafucka doing?!
Leon indicates to the car right in front of them. It’s
parked at the crest of the hill- at a green light.
LEON
Yo, what the fuck?!
Larry and Leon are stopped at a sharp incline, a few spare
feet behind the car. Leon pumps on the pedal, making the car
jolt a few feet forward. The clam chowder bowl spills all
over Larry.
LARRY
Agh! What the?!
INTERCUT INT/EXT. ROBIN WILLIAMS CAR - SAME
Robin sits in his car- tweeting on his phone and not
noticing the green light. He looks back at the car behind
him.
LEON
Sorry Larry, I was tryna give that
muthafucka the sign to move his
ass.
LARRY
Why not just honk!
LEON
Yo that’s some passive, pussy shit!
A man jolts his car.
LARRY
Wait... Is that?!
INTERCUT EXT. HILL STREET - SAME
Larry sees Robin Williams in the car ahead of him. Gets out
of Jeff’s car and starts walking towards him. Larry is
covered in clam chowder.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 33.
LARRY (CONT’D)
Hey! Hey, Robin. you made me spill
all my lunch!
LEON
Oh shit! It’s Popeye.
Leon tries to put the car into park, and hops out.
The car starts rolling backwards down the hill-- speeding up
rapidly.
The drivers side door is swinging open -- clips a parked
car-- the door flies off-- Leon’s black bag tumbles out.
The car hits the bottom of the hill-- flies backwards across
the street -- narrowly misses cross traffic and
pedestrians--hops the curb and flies off the boulevard,
CRASHES into the bay.
LARRY
Leon?!
LEON
Damn. I tried to put that shit in
park, musta been neutral.
Larry and Leon look towards the carnage--aghast. They turn
around and look up to Robin Williams. He has his head out of
the car window, smirking at them.
LARRY
Can we get a lift?
ROBIN
Lol hashtag "fuck you Larry". TTYL.
Robin’s car accelerates and drives away, just as the light
turns red.
Leon and Larry are walking down the hill.
LEON
If I see that muthafucka again,
it’ll be nightmares instead of What
Dreams May Come.
LARRY
Everything was in that car! My
bags! Wallet! And I have to get out
of these filthy clothes!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 34.
LEON
I got like a hundo...And my sweaty
road clothes right here.
Leon picks up his black bag from the street.
LEON (CONT’D)
You could wear this shit. Ain’t
funkier then clams.
Leon looks into the bag.
LEON (CONT’D)
Hold up. This shit ain’t mine.
Larry leans in and peeps into the bag.
INT/EXT. GREYHOUND BUS - NIGHT
Throngs of people from all walks of life are crammed into
the bus seats.
We see Leon and Larry sitting close beside each other. Larry
has changed--into the Mork costume.
LEON
I tole you Lare. Greyhound come
through! Gotta go Greyhound!
CUT TO BLACK
