Daring Greatly with ADHD

Developing Shame Resilience when ADHD

Gets You Down

Presented by Mary Ann Lowry, M.Ed.

www.adhdsupportcoaching.com

Master Certified Coach Daring Way Facilitator

What is Shame? According to Dr. Brene’ Brown “Shame is the Intensely Painful

Feeling or Experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of Love and Belonging.

Reasons why individuals with ADHD may be at risk for ongoing shame messages:

Dr. Russell Barkley sited that the symptoms of ADHD are dimensional in that they reflect the extreme end of a continuum of normal

or typical human ability.

Individuals with ADHDHave a Neurological Disorder That:

• Is beyond their own choice or making

• Is intrinsic to their psychological and physical nature.

• Differs from the behavior and abilities of other students in the dimensions as a matter of degree (quantitate) not of kind (qualitative).

• Will become evident sometime during childhood development

(before 16 in 98% of cases)

• Many adults above age of 40 and above weren’t diagnosed in childhood. Learned through a child’s diagnosis or through relational and/or depression issues that the core issue behind their life struggles is ADHD effectives.

• Is likely to be persistent across development for many but not necessarily all cases.

Russell Barkley, PhD Managing ADHD in School: The Best Evidence-Based Methods for Teachers2016, PESI Publishing and Media.

Executive Functions and Shame Issues Based on Research of Dr. Russell Barkley and Dr. Thomas Moore

• Goal Directed Persistence (Inattention) and Resistance to Distraction: Avoid getting started, feel task will take hours, “hijacked” by emotional issues. Dr. Barkley notes the issue is failing to inhibit reacting to these distractions, as well as others.

• Shame Message: Not Responsible Enough, Not Committed Enough, Not Trustworthy, Compared to others I’m a flake or failure, etc.

Executive Functions and Shame Issues Based on the Research by Dr Russell Barkley and Dr. Thomas Moore

• Working Memory: Remembering what is to be done and persisting it until it is so. Children won’t remember what they were supposed to be doing. Adults may forget what they promised a spouse or supervisor to complete by a deadline.

• Shame Message: Not Competent, Not Motivated, Mentally Lazy, Self-Absorbed

Executive Functions and Shame Issues Based on the Research By Dr. Russell Barkley and Dr. Thomas Moore

• Planning and Problem Solving: One with ADHD might be emotionally “hijacked by feelings of overwhelm and anxiety. In school settings this difficulty in planning is often related to writing in verbal narrative form or answering questions in class.

• Shame Message: I’m so stupid, so I can’t do this. I’ll act out and lash out to hide my ignorance.

Impact of Executive Function Issues In Daily Life According to Dr. Barkley

• Self-Restraint: Limited Ability to Delay Gratification, Poor Self-Control

• Self-Management in Regards to Time: Difficulty setting time to achieve goals and organize time to plan what hope to accomplish.

• Self-Motivation: Difficult to sustain attention to what appears to be “boring” Emotionally painful for some to maintain focus on tasks which appear to be tedious or lengthy. “Dopamine Deficient Effect”

Impact on Executive Function Issues on Daily Life According to Dr. Barkley

• Self-Organization: Difficulty with organizing one’s personal space is often evident. Their lockers, backpacks, desks, etc. are often messy. Forget to write things downs. Some individuals with ADHD are quick to judge themselves as a “hopeless mess”and that there are “no solutions to their unique issues.”

• Self-Regulation of Emotions: Struggle to inhibit the expression of impulsive emotions in reaction to emotionally charged events. Any Response that appears judgmental will hijack their thoughts or ability to control behaviors.

WHAT SHAME DOES TO THE BRAIN???

• Research from Studies of Neuroscientists Based on Rating Scales, PET Scans, and other valid measures indicate that the Reptilian Brain is activated during a shame storm. This produces a message to the body that danger is lurking, so survival responses of fight/flight or freeze take over the thinking.

• According to Dr. Dan Siegel, Dr. Shauna Shapiro the Dorsal Prefrontal Cortex Shuts Down during this process. The higher level thinking isn’t available. Primitive Responses take over. Bad News for Individuals with ADHD. This explains difficulty with response inhibition and emotional regulation when anyone with or without ADHD is triggered with a “shame storm response”.

Why Are Individuals with ADHD especially at risk for “shame storms”?

• Influential adults and peers see ADHD as a character flaw and refuse to see it as a hidden neurological difference. Hidden biological challenges are all at risk for judgement misinterpretations. (With fibromyalgia, a hidden chronic pain condition, they will hear that you’ll feel better if you get up and do something. No one would suggest that to an individual, who is paralyzed.)

• Adults, such as parents, teachers, grandparents, or supervisors, still feel that shame is the best way to change behavior. According to Shame Researcher, Brene’ Brown, there is no data to support that shame produces long lasting change in the behavior of any human being. Yet, people have life experiences and are convinced that shaming people produces great results.

Shame Resilience • What you want to grow practice! Dr. Shauna Shapiro

• Practicing “not enough” or “comparison” mindset cultivates more of the same. Dr. Brene’ Brown

• Mindfulness works…research studies site this finding again and again

• Dr. Daniel Siegel reported that “The Wheel of Awareness” Guided Meditation improved the Focusing and Response Inhibition of Individuals with ADHD

Steps for Developing Self Compassionate Mindset in Individuals with ADHD Dr. Shauna Shapiro at

www.shaunashapiro.com highlights the IAA Model: Intention, Attention, Attitude

Intention: (What do we want or hope to accomplish? )

(Why Do I Want to Pay Attention?)

Attention: (Staying in Present Moment.)

(Remembering Our Intention) According to the research the neurologically typical mind wanders 47% of Time)

(Mindfulness is about how we pay attention)

IAA Model: Intention, Attention and Attitude as Developed by Dr. Shauna Shapiro

Attitude: How we pay attention?

Jon Kabat-Zinn 2003 study “The attitude one brings to attention is essential.”

Shaming, Comparing, Judgmental Attention floods the Brain with Neurotransmitter Norepinephrine (Stress Response) and Hormone Cortisol (Stress Response)

Shauna Shapiro and other neuroscientists have found that this robs our brain of the energy to learn and transform.

SHAME Never Works for Anyone and Plays Havoc in the Lives of those Diagnosed with ADHD

Coaching our ADHD Clients to Develop Shame Resilience

• Mindful Self-Compassion based on the Research of Kristin Neff, Shauna Shapiro, and

• It’s a form of kind loving attention and brings on the Neurotransmitter Dopamine (Pleasure Response)

• Leads to True Lasting Positive Transformation as the Result of Kind Attention.

• Heartfelt…..Leads to Secure Attachment or Earned Secure Attachment, Recovery from Trauma

Daring Greatly and Rising Strong Theme

• “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.”

• “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood…….who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly….

• Theodore Roosevelt

Attributes of Self-Compassion-Kristin Neff, Ph.D.

• Self-Kindness: “When I mess up, do I talk to myself like I talk to someone I love?” “Can I give myself permission to make a mistake and be okay with it?”(Clients write themselves permission slips on post-it-notes.)

• Common Humanity: Our struggles are everyone’s struggles. We are not alone. The emotions we feel have been felt for many civilizations of mankind. You are not alone.

• Be Mindful of Self-Kindness and Our Need for Self-Compassion. Don’t confuse with selfishness or part of the positive self-esteem movement. (Coach Your Clients in Taking a Self-Compassion Break)

See www.self-compassion.org There are many self-compassion practices and guided self-kindness meditations available.

• Intention: Practicing Loving Kindness to Self and Others. Attention: Am I in a “Shame Storm”? “Am I getting emotionally hijacked?” Attitude: Heartfelt Response…Curiosity, Understanding that Suffering is happening due to a Shame and Critical Attitude of “I am bad”

• Recognize how you feel and Respond when in Shame. How do you feel? What’s that like for your body?

• Connect with someone who has earned the right to hear your story? Who will listen to you with empathy? Who will withhold judgement? Who will validate my emotions or tell me that “This is hard?” Sit in your own “self-compassion chair”.

Developing Shame Resilience Wisdom from Research of Brene’ Brown

• Practice and honor your values. www.viame.org Values light the way in dark times. Values help us recognize our strengths. (What behaviors support my values? Who are the people to put around you to support your values? )

• There are no guarantees in the arena. We will struggle. We will even fail. But if we are clear about our values that guide us in our efforts to show up and be seen, we will always be able to find the light. We will know what it means to live brave.” Brene’ Brown

More Wisdom from Brene’ Brown

•Shame can’t survive in a petri dish if one is aware of it and then connects to an empathetic listener to share what it was like to have a “shame experience” or “facedown moment” Brene’ Brown

Thoughts on Shame

• Recognize shame shields based on our “not enough” or “comparison stories.

• Moving Away: Avoidance, Not turning in work, Trying to mask ADHD by hiding

• Moving Toward: People Pleasing

• Moving Against: Verbal or Physical Aggression or Passive Aggression)

Thoughts on Shame

• Are you armoring up to protect yourself from shame and feeling vulnerable? Numbing, Perfectionism, Substance Abuse, Overuse of Video Games,

Too Much Retail Therapy, Overeating, Watching Netflix or Television)

Thoughts on Shame

• Recognize shame shields based on our “not enough” or “comparison stories.

• Moving Away: Avoidance, Not turning in work, Trying to mask ADHD by hiding

• Moving Toward: People Pleasing

• Moving Against: Verbal or Physical Aggression or Passive Aggression)

Thoughts on Shame

• Practice Mindfulness: This is not pushing away emotion because it’s uncomfortable, but feeling it and moving through it.

It takes practicing courage over comfort to recognize and feel a negative feeling.

If we intend to live a fully integrated life, it takes the practice of recognizing the whole self: Doing (Behavior) Thinking (Cognition) and Feeling (Affect) with the attitude of loving kindness.

Thoughts on Shame