____________

A WHITE

PAPER FROM ONE OF OUR

DIRECTORS __________________________

DIVORCE FOR WOMEN:

STRUGGLING TO

DO IT ALL

No matter what the rhetoric, your parenting status, your financial health, your pre-divorce skills and capabilities, DIVORCE is an experience for which there is no true preparation for all it entails.

The reasons for this are simple and threefold and stand independent of our legal system. Firstly we plan, to varying degrees, to get married, not divorced. Secondly, the learning curve is great. And thirdly, divorcing individuals do not perform at their functional best.

These statements are true for men and women. The WHITE PAPER focuses attention however, on women. The paper describes the struggle women face in trying to “Do It All” through the process of divorce, the mainstream remedies and resources that are available, and the new way forward for women who are still struggling to do it all.

Dr Gigi Sutton

Director

SORT ORGANISE SUPPORT

The Problem

Let’s start by scoping out the problem:

The baggage of history

Guilt, shock and awe

Fantasy versus pragmatic reality

Societal expectations and gender roles

o The sandwich generation

o Money and women

o Gender stereotypes

The learning curve

Divorce parenting

The performance gap unpacked

The long road back.

THE BAGGAGE OF HISTORY We all bring our own history to marriage and are affected by the historical origins of marriage. Traditionally, marriage was; used as a way of connecting families and establishing alliances, closely linked with procreation, frequently polygamous, and also familial (seeing cousins marry each other for example) 1. Over time, monogamy of a sort gained acceptance in marriage although extramarital affairs by men were still considered part of this definition. By the mid-19th century civil marriages for love not religion had become common2, but rape was still legalised within marriage in Australia until the 1980’s3. Overall, the trend has been for marriage to become more individually and broadly defined, and more an expression of emotional connection or “love” rather than a strategic alliance or expression of ownership or dominance. Broad societal changes including increased participation in the workforce by women, reduction in gender pay inequality, reform to family law, and a more towards inclusivity and acceptance of diversity have all had an effect on both the experience of marriage and divorce.

The Problem

The marital status of our parents, cohabitation prior to marriage, marriage at a young age, birth of children in the first year of marriage and higher education levels in women, all increase the risk of divorce4. For the record, about 60% of marital separations are initiated unilaterally and 55% of these separations are initiated by women5. The average age at divorce is 42.5 years for women and 45.2 years for men5. The data for homosexual rates of divorce is equivocal but points to little difference in divorce rates. In short, the experience of divorce is widespread within the Australian community and western societies at large. GUILT, SHOCK AND AWE Part of the history we bring to marriage tends to be dichotomous: marriage is good, divorce is bad. The following emotions are often associated with an impending marriage; joy, excitement, happiness, pride, achievement, enthusiasm, contentment, uncertainty, nervousness, anticipation, and apprehension, but overwhelmingly they are positive. Marriage is an often talked about and celebrated coming event for a couple, and a chance for extended families to come together and focus their attention on something positive. In contrast, divorce is an isolating experience often associated with feelings of failure, loss, abandonment, regret, disbelief, guilt, shame, anger and hurt. These feelings cloud judgement at a time when many decisions have to be made which have the potential to effect the lives of parents and children alike, long into the future. As indicated above, marriage has a long history in society and is a vehicle to reflect our values, beliefs, prejudices, and behaviours. Divorcing women are faced with reconciling their current view of their past marriage with personal and societal expectations about loyalty, identity, gender roles, personal success, fears and failures.

The Problem

Although the majority of divorces are initiated by women, this does not remove the sense of failure, betrayal, loss and guilt that women who initiate divorce experience. Many of these emotions are seemingly conflictual and come and go without warning. The end of a long term intimate partnership is complicated, often protracted and riddled with mixed emotions. Even within abusive relationships many women are torn between the life they know and the unknown life that awaits them. In particular, abused women face a complicated set of reasons for staying with their partners:

A fear of their partner’s reactions if they leave

The effects that prior abuse have had on their self-esteem

and their view of the world

Concerns for their children’s safety

Active isolation strategies enacted by their partner

Past abusive relationships

Deep attachment and continued hope for change

A sense of guilt and failure

Economic dependency, and

Societal norms about the value of being in a

relationship.11

Certainty of the decision to leave is strongly tested and women are tempted to rely on their fantasised view of the good times-past when struggling to do it all on their own in the here and now.

The Problem

Warring Hypocrisy

I toss the coin anxiously For both sides perturb and dazzle me… The first side, well, it is a beauty to say the least It is clear, crisp, like fresh pages of a favorite book Peace offers a stronghold in its rhythmic and quiet composure It is unassuming in all that it is…it is truth, with open arms Like droplets of rain against my neck, It is refreshing to caress its cooling pages, Best of all, it heals when I choose to feel it and live it… This side is strong, and often shames my desire for the other… The other side, I gaze upon it often, its presence so shocking I often doubt it even exists as much as I sense in my life Then I remember that it surrounds me, A universe of glow aching to crawl into my night Wishing to embrace me, so it may reveal its secrets to me I am drawn to its perplexity, its grand design… Its fiery resilience silences my prayers to puddles of pleasure It is a hard-heated side becrossing all sides… stopping all resistance… I toss the coin high, mindful of its landing, Though as it does it spins furiously upon my heart and mind, Caught in the blurry winds of dissonance and rivalry How distressing it is to see them collide together in all that they are… For I want them both to win…I want them both desperately But only one side will dominate in the end And only I know who will win, As I set this silent war of hypocrisy Free… Free into the stars, where that unknown wisdom will be revealed in future days I had to set it free… For there are still other sides we must struggle to let go of Touched by so many hands before us… We must choose the side to say goodbye to As we fight to focus our fleeting attention Upon the one and only side that will touch the face of Providence

Laura Breidenthal

The Problem

The shock of divorce is further exacerbated by combative and competitive behaviour of one or both parties to the divorce. Furthermore, at least until a financial settlement and custody agreement have been obtained, men’s earning potential often continues to be higher while their costs of living lower. While this adds to the immediate stress faced by many women, the thought that a settlement will equitably account for past inequities and future responsibilities is more of a concept than a forgone conclusion. Early career choices that have benefited the family and are now financially detrimental to women are not easily remedied by the court system. In summary, because of the ‘guilt, shock and awe’ experienced during divorce, women should not expect to be at the top of their game. Performance is affected by the basics of life which are often compromised as a result of the emotional distress of divorce: sleep, nutrition, exercise, security, and social contact. Anxiety, depression, poor concentration, distractibility, anger, grief, fear, loss of confidence, physical ill health and destructive behaviours can all serve to cloud judgement, reduce motivation and attention to detail, all of which are required to make sound decisions during the process of divorce. This performance drop will be explored in more depth below. FANTASY VERSUS PRAGMATIC REALITY There are many clichés surrounding divorce that, coupled with the historic baggage that we bring to marriage and divorce, influence our beliefs and behaviours, and more importantly our expectations about our ability to ‘cope’ with divorce. These expectations are applied by divorcing women to themselves, their ex-partner, their professional advisors, the “system” and their concept of what is fair, just and achievable.

The Problem

For example:

It’s not about the money

We’ll both have to get our own lawyer

Things can only get better

Time heals all wounds

You’ll be better off without him/her

It’s not about the kids

Always take the high road

There’s someone else out there for you

My kids will get me through

I’ll get half of everything

I’m the mother so I should get full custody

I deserve …

We can do this amicably

The justice system will ensure a fair settlement.

When expectations about divorce are not met and women are faced with unpleasant realities, the sense of rage, injustice, impotence and frustration generated by this mismatch between fantasy and reality results in poor decision making, reduced overall competency with familiar tasks and routines, risks to mental and physical well-being, reduced feelings of self-efficacy, confidence, motivation, and the frequently referenced 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance6 (which although originally discussed in terms of death and dying, have a certain relevance in all grief, the category in which the experience of divorce firmly sits for many women).

The Problem

SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS AND GENDER ROLES As we begin 2016, the focus on domestic violence, gender pay gaps, diversity and inclusion, is evident because of a broad range of gender stereotypes and inequity within Australian society, and more broadly, that do not favour women. These negative phenomena affect not just the quality of life of women, girls and families, but the productivity of a nation that is 50% compromised of females. The sandwich generation7 For women going through divorce and struggling to do it all, the effect of the sandwich generation looms large. Far more affected than men, women in their thirties and forties, conveniently coinciding with the mean age of divorce for women (42.5%), are often tasked with simultaneously raising their children and caring for their ageing parents. This role, like divorce, is one that women do not prepare for. Women still perform the majority of domestic and child rearing tasks in their immediate family, irrespective of work status, and often seemingly seamlessly take over the role of parental care as expressed in tasks such as cooking, shopping, self-care, organisation of appointments and services, and medication monitoring. This ‘privilege’ and ‘burden’ continues unabated in the face of the divorce process. Money and women All partners, marital/de facto/same sex/heterosexual, divide the domestic, financial and child rearing duties, either consciously or without much discussion. But they are divided one way or another. The partners will share an accountant, family lawyer, bank manager, doctors and maybe a financial planner. Money matters are rarely discussed outside the partnership and their immediate advisors, and this can conceal a range of inequities and power differentials within the relationship8.

The Problem

Divorce means that both parties to the relationship are tasked with taking over all the responsibilities that were previously held by their ex-partner. For many women their financial knowledge and pre-divorce level of participation in taxation, financial planning and relationship management of advisors is suboptimal. This presents the divorcing woman with a new learning curve, added relationships and tasks to manage, and a further burden to her sense of struggling to do it all. This is just the time when many women over rely on the clichés and expectations they hold about fairness and equity in divorce as a passive and inevitable outcome. While it is true that most day to day financial decisions and money management such as bill paying is carried out by women within marriage, this phenomena is more evident in low income families and in situations where money management is associated with higher levels of stress rather than power8. It does not represent a preparedness for financial dependence post-divorce. Gender stereotypes Much has already been said above about gender stereotypes with respect to money management, care responsibilities and skill base. However gender stereotypes extend to the expectations that society holds with respect to divorcing women. The same behaviours or actions taken by men and women are often viewed differently by society, family and friends. For example women are expected by many to be nurturing, to prioritise their children over earning a maximum income and job security or promotion opportunities. With respect to negotiations, women are expected to be more yielding, less aggressive, more passive and less self-confident than men. This can affect their actual and perceived power at a time when decisions made are critical to their future financial security and emotional recovery.

The Problem

THE LEARNING CURVE I have introduced the idea that women (and men) going through divorce are struggling with a new situation, one that they are uniquely unprepared for in terms of skill base and experience. Consider the following tasks:

1. Finding a lawyer – Given that social taboos are attached to divorce and privacy issues generally, who does a woman ask for a recommendation to a solicitor?

2. Concerns over safety – Given the increasing publicity surrounding domestic violence rates and tragic outcomes, how do women conquer their fear and place their trust in a system that is struggling to cope with existing demand?

3. Learning to put yourself first – Given the gender stereotypes in both personality and role, how quickly can a woman learn that meeting her own needs in the short and long term will likely be of benefit not only to her but all other parties concerned?

It is under the greatest adversity that there exists the greatest

potential for doing good, both for oneself and others.

Dalai Lama

The Problem

4. Managing grief – It is not just those who do not initiate

the divorce proceedings who experience grief and loss associated with divorce. How does a woman, experiencing a sudden loss of income and increased expenses, allocate money to caring for her essential physical, emotional and social needs to ensure good health and well-being throughout the grieving process and avoid “getting stuck” in the maze of divorce?

5. Learning to let go – Things are going to change with divorce. How does a woman/wife/mother let go of her previous roles, her control over an ex-partner, anger, and the short-term gain that can come from decision making without purpose and sound data?

6. Financial planning and independence – Whether women like it or not, have a solid foundation or not, they need to be actively engaged and responsible for planning and managing their own finances. How do they find the time, confidence and direction to appoint appropriate advisors, evaluate their performance, feel empowered and avoid common traps?

7. Prioritising – How do women struggling to do it all,

– care for kids, go to work, communicate with their ex, deal with the solicitor, understand their home accounting and filing system, collate their disclosure documents, attend parent-teacher nights, appoint new financial advisors, eat, shop, cook, sleep –

decide what is urgent, within their capacity, needs additional resources, or requires further thought?

The Problem

DIVORCE PARENTING Firstly, although as parents we might often say that things are easier when our partner is away for the weekend because there is just one voice, this does not describe the situation of divorce parenting. In divorce parenting children have all the expected needs of childhood plus those brought on by divorce. Children are good at exploiting the differences in parenting styles and lapses in parental communication. Depending on the age of children, expected stages of rebellion, distancing, boundary renegotiating and emotional intimacy can easily be attributed to the divorce and associated dislocation.

Figure 1: Odds ratio for adverse outcomes of children of divorce, adjusted for the

complexity of other significant adversities9

A large body of research evidence across developed countries has

demonstrated significant long-term disadvantages for children

from divorced compared with intact families of origin. These

disadvantages range across family, social and psychological

outcomes, and poor outcomes are roughly 50 to 100 per cent more

likely for those from divorced families. 9

The Problem

Drawn from research commissioned by the Federal Department of Family, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous affairs (2011) figure 1 above demonstrates that children of divorced parents are at greater risk for a range of adverse outcomes including an earlier transition into adulthood as evidenced by a range of behaviours. This research also demonstrated that when a range of other significant adversities (such as parental drinking, depression and abuse) are taken into account, the risk for adverse outcomes for divorced children is weaker and in the case of suicidal thoughts is no longer significant. No doubt children have a lot of adjustment to do during and after divorce and are at higher risk of a range of adverse outcomes. But it’s a bit like putting on your own oxygen mask in the plane before you can help others. After the provision of a safe haven, the first order of priority for women struggling to do it all is to stop and prioritise themselves as the bedrock upon which everything else stands.

The challenges include:

Co-parenting

Consistency in communication

Routine, timetabling and scheduling

Renegotiation of roles and responsibilities

Establishing realistic expectations

Setting and maintaining boundaries.

THE PERFORMANCE GAP UNPACKED At the same time that women going through divorce are struggling with parenting, finances, changes to accommodation, and challenges to their mental and physical health, they are also likely to be experiencing a concomitant drop in their performance. Divorcing women frequently identify a gap between their capacity to perform, take on new tasks and deal with existing routines and responsibilities; and their view of their “normal’

The Problem

operational self. In other words, they can’t keep all the balls in the air with the same finesse and sense of mastery and competence that they did prior to the experience of marital separation and divorce.

This is not a criticism but a description of observed phenomena. To forge the argument for this performance gap let’s start with something familiar: The effect of stress on us at work. Our own experience tells us that when we are experiencing higher levels of stress we are less effective, less efficient, and less tolerant at work, manage time poorly, are more irritable, more distractible and have higher rates of workplace accidents10. One of the modern workplace health and safety responses to this reduced level of performance are the provisions surrounding stress leave. But this is only timeout from work. How then do women struggling through divorce cope with the increased physical, cognitive, social, psychological and emotional demands, in other words the stress, brought on by divorce? The fight or flight response that stress produces can be good for managing an immediate threat but does not prepare women for the process of divorce or the long road back from it. It takes something more to perform at a functional level for long periods of time. Shortly we will discuss the current solutions for women struggling to do it all and examine why they are problematic. THE LONG ROAD BACK Recovery from the trauma of divorce is not a diary date. It is a process which can be supported and obstructed. The long road back from mistrust, hurt, over reliance on self, and isolation, is not a straight line path but one that moves at different paces, often with long pauses.

Current

Solutions

One of the challenges for women moving through the stages of divorce and into their new iteration of life, is to maintain perspective. In most human interactions there is no absolute reality but an individual interpretation of events. Our values, beliefs, experiences, emotional, mental and physical states all influence our perspective and the meaning that we assign to others’ actions.

Recovery is of course individual but with characteristics, milestones and challenges that are common to many women. It is a fine line to acknowledge the “mistakes” of the past whilst not dwelling on them; to acknowledge and sit with the isolation that comes with divorce, before being ready to forge new meaningful relationships; to maintain effective communication with an ex-partner whilst setting one’s own boundaries and above all finding one’s new self and the things that will become important to each woman as they exercise the freedom and responsibility to chart their own course.

There are six traditional areas of support, advice and assistance for women struggling to manage the multidimensional task that is divorce:

Legal advice

Medical care

Psychological support

Other professional advisors

Family

Friends.

For women and children experiencing domestic violence in Australia, additional resources are available through the police and online domestic violence web links in each state such as qlddomesticviolencelink.org.au/ and www.dvrcv.org.au.

Current

Solutions

Across all six areas, problems exist with the timing of engagement of support, appropriate allocation and application of resources to individual challenges and tasks, conflict of interest, and affordability/costs. As noted above, divorce presents women with a steep learning curve without the opportunity for a do-over. While many errors or poor decisions can serve as learning points, there are some decision points which are critical to financial security and emotional well-being. The solutions that women have traditionally applied to the problem of divorce increase allow for many suboptimal outcomes, some of which are not open to remedy.

1. Legal advice Although women are frequent instigators of marital separation this does not mean that they have the tools and the current performance capacity to successfully source, evaluate and appoint legal counsel. Many women presume that both parties will be motivated to appoint a legal advisor, will meet deadlines, and will ensure that the children are well catered for. Furthermore, many adults have little contact with solicitors outside of conveyancing and are unclear about the extent of the services that their solicitor can provide. Internal referral networks can be advantageous to women seeking a range of providers, such as accountants and financial planners, but can prove to be an expensive and inconvenient option. For example every trip to the city to see a recommended accountant is expensive and timing consuming and for some women a local accountant may be a better choice. 2. Medical care In the past many communities were well served in pastoral care from their religious advisors and extended family members. With geographical dislocation of families and decreasing involvement in church and fewer community affiliations, divorcing women frequently look towards their general practitioner as a source of counselling, advice and grief management.

Current

Solutions

The family doctor is increasingly involved in the management of anxiety and depression and has become an important gatekeeper in the on-referral of patients to a range of other professionals. For some patients, care from a psychiatrist is seen as threatening and attached to negative stigma whereas continued care by their family doctor may be more familiar and comfortable. 3. Psychological support For women struggling to multitask through divorce, counselling sessions for themselves can be difficult to prioritise. Perseverance to find a good match between patient and counsellor is needed. However a negative experience can increase the barriers to seeking future care. Just as family law solicitors are not experts in succession planning, wills and trusts, counsellors are not all alike and specialise in different modalities and diagnostic areas. Expectations need to be clarified and roles defined for a successful therapeutic relationship.

4. Other professional advisors In many instances women need to establish their own suite of advisors and service providers not only for financial issues but also if they move residence or take over responsibility for tasks that were previously carried out by their spouse. Both parties to divorce need to establish independent relationships with bankers, accountants, mechanics, maintenance and security personnel, mortgage brokers, teachers and a range of other professionals as appropriate.

5. Family In the past, families were more often co-located and intergenerational involvement in day to day family life was common. Fewer women worked outside of the home and divorce was also less common. Now, many family resources are stretched, or non-existent, to assist in the day to day management of the fallout from divorce that women and mothers suffer. Furthermore, reliance on family can be complicated by concerns over privacy, judgement and embarrassment.

Current

Solutions

The Better

Solution

6. Friends When relationships dissolve, friends of the couple often fall to one side or the other and may even be expected to, or demanded to, by the divorcing individuals. It is hard to maintain relationships as they were before. Friends do not always bring an unbiased and constructive perspective to the issues that divorcing women are dealing with. Their true value lies in their social support and not the physical, financial or advisory roles that they may be called on to fulfil. There are overt and hidden costs involved in applying all the traditional resources described above. Rather than the execution of a series of disconnected tasks completed at random without specificity, purpose and planning, women going through divorce and struggling to do it all benefit from a clear project management or case management approach. This is not to say that the emotional turmoil of divorce can be boiled down to a spreadsheet complete with Gantt charts and contingencies. Figure 2: SOS stages of divorce management (2016)

The Better

Solution

I discuss below the five stages that women need to move through during their separation and divorce depicted above in figure 2. The speed at which women can progress through the stages of divorce management is affected by the support, guidance and assistance that they receive and invest in.

Overwhelmed - If not before, then during and post-divorce most women will experience periods when they feel overwhelmed as depicted in the SOS model above. It is this first level that needs to be recognised and contained in order to prevent women getting stuck and failing to progress through the many changes that divorce brings.

Operational - The second stage in divorce management is to provide operational support to meet urgent needs, where consequences are grave or timing critical.

Optimistic - The third stage depends on the ability to generate and recognise success in task completion as a basis for empowerment, motivation, and rational mobilisation of scarce resources (that is time, energy and money). It is during this stage that successful referrals and alliances without outside parties are critical. Open - The fourth stage allows for the beginnings of personal recovery and growth through planning, establishing and practicing new habits, routines, skills and the confidence to forge new bonds in trusting oneself and relationships with others. Optimal - The final stage is the realisation of the vision that must be given some consideration even at stage one in order to maintain hope and resilience. Supporting, mentoring and educating women through this stage is bespoke. The importance of goal setting in concrete form is understood.

The Better

Solution

SOS: Our role

As with many long projects, moving through the stages of divorce requires the application of a wide range of resources; monetary, time, physical and emotional. Rather than apply seemingly ready resources such as friends and family, or fail to apply the appropriate professional service to the relevant task, the better solution is to help divorcing women identify and decide, how and at what stage to tackle;

The quick wins

The low hanging fruit

The major projects and

The hard slog.

Sort Organise Support was formed in 2014 in response to the yawning gap in services for people managing personal change. High on the agenda was support for women moving through marital separation and divorce. The cost to the individual, their family and society as a whole is significant in terms of emotional turmoil, lost productivity, adverse social outcomes and inefficient application of resources. The traditional approach to managing personal change that occurs throughout the process and as a result of divorce has historically been piecemeal, home-grown, ineffective and passive.

SOS: Our role

SOS advocates and practices a model of service that will promote a range of benefits including good health, economic security, relationship building, and the rational application of resources. We help our clients to ACT in a planned and effective manner.

We support our clients to re-organise their life in a systematic way. We help them to move through the five stages of divorce management and thereby achieve better outcomes for all.

Our message to divorcing women is that:

You can end an unhealthy, unhappy partnership

You can do this efficiently while still caring for yourself

and your family

You can re-establish who you are, what you want and

how you are going to get it

You can sleep well, eat well, make future plans ... and

breathe.

References

1. Stephanie, C. (2006). Marriage, a history: How love conquered marriage, Penguin books.

2. Ghose, T. (2013). History of Marriage: 13 Surprising Facts, June 26, 04:26pm ET - http://www.livescience.com/37777-

history-of-marriage.html, accessed 28.1.2016. 3. Easteal, P., & Feerick, C. (2005). Sexual Assault by Male Partners: Is the Licence Still Valid? 8 Flinders Journal of Law

Reform 185, 186, n 6.

4. Hewitt, B. (2008). Social Policy Research Paper series Number 35: Marriage breakdown in Australia: social correlates,

gender and initiator status, June.

5. ABS 3310.0 - Marriages and Divorces, Australia, 2014 LATEST ISSUE Released at 11:30 AM (CANBERRA TIME) 25/11/2015.

6. Kubler Ross, E. (1997). On death and dying, The MacMillan Company.

7. Abaya, C. in George James in A survival course for the sandwich generation, New York Times, Jan 17, 1999.p.1-2

8. Waseem, S. (2004). Social Policy Research Paper series Number 23: Household monies and decision making June

9. Rodgers, B., Gray, P., Davidson, T. & Butterworth, P. (2011). Social policy research paper No. 42: Parental divorce and

adult family, social and psychological outcomes: the contribution of childhood gamily adversity. Department of Family,

Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs pp. 1,6,28.

10. Danna, K., & Griffin, R.W. (1999), Health and well-being in the workplace: A review and synthesis of the literature,

Journal of Management, Vol 25. 3, 357-384

11. http://www.domesticabuseproject.com/get-educated/compelling-reasons-women-stay/, accessed 28/1/2016.

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