Do no harm but take no s&*tthe overpriced divorce is understanding your financial situation. ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES DIVORCING WOMEN MAKE IS FIGHTING OVER MONEY THEY DON’T ACTUALLY

How smart women divorce

Do no harm but take no s&*t

** The information in this Ebook is for general purposes only. It is not intended as legal advice and should not be

considered legal advice. There is no attorney client privilege between the reader of this book and Lori Barkus,

Esq. or Sustainable Family Solutions.

Lori Barkus has practiced law since 1998. She has tried

and settled divorces, been appointed as a mediator and

guardian ad litem and is trained in collaborative family

law. This combination of experience lead her to create

Sustainable Family Solutions because no other way to

divorce seemed to work. Sustainable Family Solutions

it’s the first ever method of divorce that focuses on you

as a whole person and not just as a client. Lori combines

her extensive experience with proven techniques for

avoiding or reducing expensive divorce battles to help

you get what you want and need out of the process.

In this free e-book, learn from an experienced divorce attorney how to: 1. Stand up for yourself and get what you want out of divorce 2. Protect your kids 3. Avoid getting ripped off by an aggressive family law attorney I will also share with you the biggest mistakes divorcing women make and how to avoid them.

D O N O H A R M B U T T A K E N O S & * T - H O W S M A R T W O M E N D I V O R C E / w w w . b a r k u s l a w . c o m / 0 1

When thinking about divorce

Women generally think about:

• Their kids (will they be ok?)

• Their spouse (See above)

• Their family (what will they think?)

• Friends, coworkers, community

What you SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT:

• Your kids (their future depends on how well you navigate divorce)

• Yourself (it’s about time you made YOU a priority)

• Your finances

• Your values and goals

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If you’re like most women, you are probably thinking of everyone but yourself. Your

kids, your family (what will they think?) and even your spouse. ONE OF THE BIGGEST

MISTAKES DIVORCING WOMEN MAKE IS THINKING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE BUT

THEMSELVES. If this is you, then full stop right here and read the next part very

carefully. You may want to highlight it and read it again and again. Turn it into

a meme, your personal mantra, or whatever works best for you. Ready? Here it is:

This is the time to focus on you.

As you begin this process, take a deep breath and tell yourself you are going to focus

on what YOU need and what YOU want out of this divorce process and your life in

general. You may have been in a long marriage. You may have raised kids who are now

out of the house or close to it. Maybe you’ve spent your whole life thinking about what

everyone else wants and needs.


Your husband is going to do just that- focus on himself, that is. Trust me. I’ve been a

lawyer for more than 20 years and a divorce lawyer for most of that time. Women are

constantly shocked by this, get angry and start to feel that they never really knew their

husbands. This shock leads to sadness, anger and fear, which can lead to bad decision

making. But now you are prepared for it. Once you and your husband go down this

road, he will put himself first in negotiations and decision making. He likely loves your

children and may still love you, but this is the way it will go for him and for you.


Simply put, you can’t take care of yourself if you are depleted. I meet many women at

the initial consultation stage who are burned out from being caregivers, breadwinners

and basically everything everyone else needs from them. You know the standard

airplane safety line about putting your own oxygen mask on first? You will need to do

that with the divorce process. Not necessarily an oxygen mask, but you have to make

sure you are supported and resourced so you can handle this process and make good

decisions throughout.


Kids cope with divorce best when

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There is little or no conflict between parents

They maintain a relationship with both parents

1 in 3 children lose contact with a parent (usually their father) within

3 years of divorce or separation

You keep things similar as much as possible

D O N O H A R M B U T T A K E N O S & * T - H O W S M A R T W O M E N D I V O R C E / w w w . b a r k u s l a w . c o m

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Everyone knows that divorce is hard on kids. And most of us know a couple who

went through one of those terrible divorces (I’ve handled quite a few) and completely

messed up their kids. You definitely don’t want that to happen. And, if you decide to

go forward with this process, we can work with you to help you make this easier on

your kids.

Some people decide to stay together because of the kids. I’m not here to tell you to

divorce or not. Many people ask me that question during consultation and I’ve always

told them the same thing: that is a decision only you can make. I’m here to advise

you. But I will tell you that, if you believe staying together for the kids will make things

better for them long term, you might be making a mistake. Studies show that conflict

between parents is the biggest predictor of how kids will turn out after divorce. If

there’s conflict in your home, it’s hurting your kids. If you have that Cold War silence

going on, your kids know something is wrong. If you and your husband have been

distant for years, but think your kids don’t know something is up, you are wrong. Kids

know.

Nothing I said above is meant to make you feel guilty. I suspect you’re carrying around

a lot of guilt, and possibly shame, over contemplating divorce. That is common and

you’re not alone, although I’m hoping you work through the guilt and shame part

with your support system. What I want you to understand is that you can get through

this without screwing up your kids. It is not the divorce that will harm them. It will be

how you behave around them and your ability to make clear decisions for yourself.

And these are things we can help you work on with our Sustainable Family Solutions

process.

The key takeaway here is that conflict is the most harmful thing for kids. CONFLICT

BETWEEN PARENTS IS EVEN WORSE FOR KIDS THAN HAVING THEIR PARENTS DIVORCE.

Our goal is to get you through this process without messing up your kids. In order to

do that, we need to make sure you experience less conflict. Notice I said “experience”

conflict. There will be conflict. Your ex may even be a “high conflict” person. But you are

going to work on the one and only thing that you control in this process: you.


Let’s get your house in order: financial

planning and divorce

/ 0 6

Know your expenses and your budget

Take stock of your assets and liabilities

Create a financial plan:

• What assets do you want to keep?

• Can you pay off your debts?


/ 0 7

We’ve talked about how important it is to think clearly and make good decisions

during this process. Not so easy is it? Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in a

person’s life. It is similar to and sometimes even worse than the death of a loved one.

There’s a whole funeral industry that makes quite a lot of money over people’s grief

and their lack of clear decision making when navigating the details of a loved one’s

death. Some internet sites claim that divorce is a $50 billion dollar industry. Much like

the funeral industry, many divorce professionals- lawyers, accountants, experts, and

even mediators- are making a lot of money from the grief and poor decision making

of divorcees. People are spending tens, even hundreds of thousands of dollars, getting

divorced. That’s not the path you want or that I want for you. The first step to avoiding

the overpriced divorce is understanding your financial situation.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES DIVORCING WOMEN MAKE IS FIGHTING OVER MONEY

THEY DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE. Yes, you read that right. They are so afraid of looking

at their financial situation that they allow themselves to believe that they must have

more money. I’ve seen it so many times, especially when it comes to maintenance/

alimony, which we’ll talk about soon. It might be hard to look at your financial

situation. Kind of like going to the dentist after you’ve put it off for a while. But

understanding your finances is a step that you must take.

You might be feeling overwhelmed or anxious about this step. Don’t worry- you are

not alone. Most people are uncomfortable with budgets and finances. It seems so

confusing. Many people feel they just can’t do it, or they are afraid to look because they

don’t have enough or feel they should have more. All of this is quite common. But, in

order to help you make the most important decisions of your life, we need for you to

understand your finances and to understand what a realistic settlement looks like.

Like most family lawyers, I used to hand clients a financial affidavit/statement during

the consultation and tell them to fill it out to the best of their ability. When creating

Sustainable Family Solutions, I realized that you need more guidance at this stage of

the process. It’s not enough to just fill out a statement of what you currently spend.


/ 0 8

Knowing this information tends to make people afraid, if not completely panicked.

And no one makes good decisions when they are afraid. We need to do something

with this information. Working together, we need to do some careful evaluating and

planning at this point so that you can make some of the most important decisions of

your life.

As part of our consultation process, we offer a preliminary financial audit. This gives

you a better idea of the realistic amount of money you will have to live. It also helps

identify assets and liabilities so we can start planning for your post-divorce future. We

have also teamed up with financial professionals who can work one on one with you to

help you understand your finances and make decisions about them.

Remember, many people are afraid of their money situation. This is natural, but we

know that fear leads to bad decision making so we need to do something here. We

can work with you so that you understand your current financial situation and where

you want to go with it. Using that information, we can then make strategic decisions in

the divorce process to help you get there.


Let’s talk about maintenance

/ 0 9

• How does it work?

• Do I have to pay maintenance?

• No really, do I have to pay maintenance?

• Is there any way to avoid paying maintenance?


Alimony. Spousal support. Maintenance. No matter what we call it, no one wants

to think about having to pay it. Women are especially surprised when they learn that

they will have to support their husbands if they get divorced. I say “have to” because, if

you are earning more than your husband and have been for some time, this could very

well apply to you.

This is where people get angry. So if you’re feeling p^&&ed off right now, that’s ok and

pretty common. Divorce is not a fun or fair process. I can’t make it either of those things.

But I can help you avoid contributing to the $50 billion divorce industry by making

mistakes. I’ve seen women go to trial because they make ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES

DIVORCING WOMEN MAKE- BELIEVING INEXPERIENCED OR UNSCRUPULOUS ATTORNEYS

WHO TELL THEM THEY WILL NOT HAVE TO PAY SUPPORT TO THEIR HUSBANDS WHO EARN

A LOT LESS MONEY THAN THEY DO. And I have represented very intelligent women who

refused to believe that a Judge would make them support their ex husbands, because it

just wasn’t fair.

It is easy to believe what you want to hear. It’s also easy to find out general information

about alimony/maintenance laws in your state (a simple google search will provide this

information). We’ve talked about how we make bad decisions when we are afraid. We

can also make bad decisions when we choose to believe what we want to hear. It is

better to get the facts upfront than be surprised by them later after spending a lot of

money on legal fees. I’ve seen this happen to many women in the divorce process.

Here’s the basics of alimony and maintenance. Some states have guidelines, which are

a formula for how much will be paid and for how long. The amount is based on both of

your incomes and the how long is based on the number of months you’ve been married.

Other states do not have official guidelines. But I can tell you from doing quite a bit of

alimony litigation that, formula or not, what you pay will be a percentage of your income.

There is also a concept called permanent or indefinite alimony, which does not have an

end date. If you live in a state that still has permanent alimony, you should NOT agree to

pay permanent or indefinite alimony without a thorough and detailed consultation with

a divorce lawyer.


This is the 30,000 foot view of alimony. Your personal situation plays a role in the

alimony equation. This is not something you should agree to on your own without

legal advice. If you are the breadwinner in your marriage, you will want to have a very

detailed and strategic conversation with a family law attorney about alimony. Just

because a Judge will award alimony does not mean you cannot get your soon to be ex

to waive it. This may or may not be possible depending on your situation (and your ex).

This is why it is so important to have a thorough and detailed review of your situation.

Any lawyer that tells you generalities- No Judge will award alimony to a man (simply

untrue) or even Yes you have to pay alimony- without fully understanding your financial

information and your ex’s personality is wasting your time.


/ 1 2

Will your strategy really work? It sounds too nice. Maybe you are too

nice. After all, you are smiling in that picture. If my lawyer is too nice,

my husband will walk all over us. And I’ll lose everything that

I’ve worked so hard to build. I can’t let that happen. Maybe I do need

that aggressive “pitbull” lawyer.

Sound familiar? It might even sound like a good idea. Because you’re

afraid of what will happen. And, when we’re afraid, we do what we

think will protect us. But, as we’ve talked about,

we also make bad divorce decisions when we’re afraid.

Do I need an aggressive divorce attorney?

Here’s why ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES DIVORCING WOMEN MAKE

IS HIRING AN AGGRESSIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY.

Do I need an aggressive divorce attorney?


/ 1 3

That’s the cold harsh reality. I’ve dealt with many of them in my 20+ years of practice.

They will yell, file a lot of documents and charge you a lot of money. They will tell you

that they are going to pressure the other side into agreeing to what you want. And they

will charge you a lot of money. After all, this is a $50 billion industry.

If you hire an aggressive divorce attorney, guess what your husband will do? He will

also hire an aggressive divorce attorney. His attorney will yell, file a lot of stuff with the

court and charge you a lot of money. Notice I said “charge you” because, if you are the

breadwinner, you may have to pay your husband’s attorneys’ fees in addition to your own!

How is this working for you so far? Not great. But you might still be thinking, I have the

better attorney- the more expensive, better yeller and better at filing the most stuff

attorney. Surely my aggressive divorce attorney will “win” for me?

Really? You have a plan for that win, right? You and your yelling attorney. You have

outlined what a win looks like and the exact steps you need to get there. Probably

not. Your aggressive attorney is too busy yelling and filing stuff to create a strategy for

getting this done. And forget about negotiation, even though over 90% of divorces

settle. Pitbulls do not negotiate. You are in this until the bitter end, which is usually the

night before trial when you have spent even more money than you are fighting over and

can’t even remember what you wanted at the beginning or late at night at a mediation

where you sign an agreement without understanding what it says because you are just

so tired and want this over with.

We’ve talked about how people make bad decisions when they are afraid. The

aggressive attorney route is another example of that. You are so afraid that they idea

actually makes sense. Until you see how it actually plays out.

You don’t need aggressive. You need determined, realistic and strategic.

Aggressive Divorce Attorneys do not protect you.


Yes, I get what you are saying. Your husband is the most aggressive, the most difficult,

the most unreasonable person you’ve ever seen. Aggressive is the only language

he understands. He will fight for everything. The only thing that will work is to be

aggressive with him. Or he’ll just bully me until he gets his way.

These are some of the main reasons why people hire an aggressive divorce attorney. It

seems to make sense. And it’s a popular choice. After all, this is a $50 billion industry

so those aggressive divorce attorneys must be doing something right? For themselves

maybe, but not for you. Here’s why hiring an aggressive attorney doesn’t work.

What you need is strategy. Successful divorce takes planning and preparation. Part of

that planning is how to manage your ex’s emotions, aggressive behavior and bullying.

And you can’t manage emotions when both sides are acting or behaving emotionally.

Your aggressive ex will only get more aggressive if you do the same things back to him.

He will also feed off of getting this reaction out of you. As will his attorney because your

husband will hire an attorney whose personality is just like his.

One of the questions I ask in my initial intake is, “What are the potential roadblocks to

getting this divorce done”? I then ask a series of questions about how your husband

behaves when dealing with something difficult and what type of behaviors he does

that concern you. I do this because I am mapping out a comprehensive strategy. It’s not

enough to help you figure out what you want and need from the process. I also need to

help you get there. So I need to know what challenges we will face.

In consultation, we discuss in detail what makes your husband difficult. We look

at situations where he has behaved aggressively and unreasonably. The goal is to

understand as much as possible about what makes your ex feel cornered or afraid,

which is what causes the aggressive behavior. We can then plan around it.

But my spouse is crazy, a jerk, determined to fight me for everything.


/ 1 5

Walk softly and carry a big stick

Aggressive divorce lawyers don’t do any of this. Their goal is to yell, scream and

charge you a lot of money. If you hire your own aggressive attorney, you will pay for a lot

of yelling and angry emails to be exchanged. Hiring an aggressive divorce attorney will

not help you in the long term. What you are looking for is an exit strategy that gets you

what you want and need. Once we have that, there’s no need for yelling because we

know exactly where we are going with this, including going to Court if needed. That is

the plan we will create and execute.


Let’s talk strategy

/ 1 6

We now have the lay of the land- kids, assets and support.

How do we even begin to figure out what will work for you,

and then figure out what your husband will agree to? It’s such

an intimidating process. No wonder some people hire an

aggressive lawyer and just let him/her take over the process.

It would be so much easier than dealing with all of this.

But now you know that would be a huge mistake. So let’s go

over what you need to do to get yourself through this process.

Remember what we said just a few short pages ago:



/ 1 7

ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES DIVORCING WOMEN MAKE IS LETTING THEIR EMOTIONS

DRIVE THE PROCESS UNTIL THEY BURN OUT AND GIVE UP. As part of our extensive

consultation process, we go through an exercise that I call staying resourced. First,

we look at who and what are your sources for support. These can be family, friends,

a religious or social group. Or you may feel that you do not have this at this time.

That’s ok, you’re not alone. Now is the time to figure out or create for you resources for

support. You will need them for going through this process.

Then we’ll talk about what I like to call your “pause”. A pause is any activity that allows

you to lose yourself or create space from negative thoughts, emotions or events.

If you’re a fitness type like me, your pause may be your workout class, run or hike.

Spiritual types may use meditation or yoga. For others, it may be knitting or even

cleaning your house. It’s not important what the activity is (as long as it’s a pause, and

not an escape involving substances or potentially harmful activity). What matters is that

you have some way or decompressing from the stress and emotions of divorce.

Here is a little emotions 101 for you. Emotions and feelings have a way of taking on a

life of their own. This is especially true when we act on everything we believe in a given

moment. I have seen this happen with divorcing clients more times than I can count.

Just like fear, emotions make for bad decision making in this process. And I’ve seen

people who are normally very calm and in control have emotional meltdowns.

I’m not telling you not to be emotional or that we are trying to get rid of your emotions.

Neither of these is possible. I’m here to help you get results and not to give you empty

promises. What I’m talking about is learning to work with and manage the very strong

emotions you will feel during this process. Different things work for different people.

So our objective is to help you identify what works best for you and help you seek out

support or carve out time for your emotional outlet activities.

So, first we take care of you.


Let’s talk strategy part II: how to prepare

/ 1 8

So now that you are calm and focused, it is time to get

prepared. I’m dividing this into two categories, financial

and legal.


We talked about the importance of getting your house in order. This is such an

important component that was need to revisit it here, and in greater detail. You need

to understand your budget and financial resources (savings and assets). Some people

handle the family finances and know these numbers. But some of you do not handle

the finances and may have no idea about these numbers. In fact, you might be afraid of

this part, which is a fairly common reaction.

But we know where fear gets us- to poor decision making. Working together, we will get

a handle on your family finances. We work with some excellent financial professionals

who have experience helping you identify and understand your financial picture.

The financial piece is so important that I insist that clients begin working on this right

away, sometimes even before they meet with me. Our goal is to help you make the

best decisions possible, and the only way we can do that is with accurate financial

information. So financial preparation must be part of your initial planning and

preparation in this process.

Financial preparation


If you were to hire a divorce lawyer for the bare minimum amount of time (and I’m

not recommending this at this stage of general information), I would tell you to have a

consultation at the beginning of the process to understand your rights and a review

of any divorce agreement before you sign it.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES DIVORCING WOMEN MAKE IS WASTING TIME

ON A “FREE” CONSULTATION RATHER THAN GETTING DETAILED AND SPECIFIC

INFORMATION ABOUT THEIR OWN CASE.

Before you accuse me of self-interest in that advice, let’s look at why I’m telling you this

is not only a bad idea, but one of the biggest mistakes you can make.

So many lawyers are offering free consultations. This is because there are so many

lawyers and most are competing to get your case and your money. And also because

many people seem to want or expect this service. So why not just go for it? There are

a couple of reasons why not. One is that nothing is free. And the other is that you get

what you pay for (especially when you don’t pay for it).

No one is really offering you free legal advice. Lawyers are human (believe it or not) and

have bills to pay too. A lawyer offering you a free consultation is looking to get you to

hire him/her. This is the whole purpose of the consultation. Its not about helping you.

Its not about giving you specific advice. No, THIS lawyer is trying to “sell” you. Generally

in this time limited approach you will get general information that you could have

looked up yourself and a bunch of empty promises. Because the lawyer did not take

the time to get to know your case and is trying to sell you. If you are a busy professional

like the client’s I represent, you would be wasting your valuable time with this free

consultation.

Legal Advice


Putting it all together- How to Divorce

Without Getting Screwed

/ 2 1

Focus on you

This is not the time to think about everyone else but yourself. Remember that

you cannot do anything for your kids or anyone else if you are depleted. This is

the time to focus on what you need from this process in order to move forward.

Create your support plan

Before diving into the kids, finances, support, etc., make sure you are

resourced. Build your team of support resources- family, friends, community,

support groups- it doesn’t matter which you choose as long as your support

resources help you stay positive and focused.

In addition to the people that support you, it is important to also have your

“pause”- that activity or place you can go to take a break from everything

that is going on both in this process and in your own head. Your pause

is your activity that allows you to get some space from your emotional

overload and get back to thinking clearly.


/ 2 2

Create your financial plan

Get a handle on your finances as early on in the process as you can.

If budgets and numbers aren’t your thing, find a financial professional

who can help you understand your monthly spending, budget and the

assets and liabilities that you have.

Figure out your game plan

Get very clear on what you really want and need from this process.

It may be helpful to ask yourself these three questions.

a. What do I really need?

b. What do I really want?

c. What can I live with?

It may feel impossible to get to the answers. But keep asking yourself

these questions, especially in the moments when you are feeling more

calm and less emotional. This is a really good exercise to go through

with your support team or in a supportive environment.


What do I do now?

Still have general questions? Attend one of our workshops

(https://barkuslaw.com/events/)

Need specific advice? Set up a comprehensive consultation with asset audit and audit of

circumstances. We offer several types of consultations. All of these services include pre-

meeting review of documents and information that you provide, in depth discussion about

your specific circumstances and specific strategy and recommendations for proceeding.

We believe so strongly in our signature service- the comprehensive consultation with asset

and circumstances audit- that we offer a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE IF YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED

WITH THE SERVICE. No other divorce attorneys (that I know of) will make such a claim or

provide a money back guarantee. But we do that because we believe so strongly in our

approach and these services. And because we value you as a client and are committed to

helping you find solutions to one of the most difficult events in your life.

Since your time is valuable, we make it easy and convenient to set up a consultation. Just

access our online schedule in the drop down menu on our website (https://barkuslaw.com/)

We hope that you have found this information to be informative

and we look forward to helping you find Sustainable Family Solutions.

Documents

Do no harm but take no s&*tthe overpriced divorce is understanding your financial situation. ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES DIVORCING WOMEN MAKE IS FIGHTING OVER MONEY THEY DON’T ACTUALLY