Rear-view

In high school my girlfriend and I had the day off, so we decided to grab some lunch and head over to Lake Redman to eat. It was about eleven in the morning, and we didn’t see any-one on our drive in. We pulled into the empty lot and grabbed a spot right in front of the still, murky water. We had planned on going on a hike and eating our lunch at the peak overlook-ing the lake, but it began to rain just enough for us to have to cancel our lunch plans, so we had to eat our sandwiches in my car. We were having a good time listening to some ‘rainy day’ tunes looking over the now rippling waters. Let me remind you that I was in high school, and I’m not proud of this, but

Arthur C. Robertson | 23 | Class of 2016

Curse word of choice | Jiminy Christmas

we began to take some selfies. We snapped a few pictures and finished our lunch. My girlfriend decided to review our pictures as we were getting ready to leave, and that’s when things got weird. There was a truck parked behind us in the pictures and you could see the truck with a shadowy figure in the drivers seat. Both of our hearts started beating out of our shirts, and as soon as he noticed we saw him, the truck drove away. Who knows how long he was parked there watching us.

The following activity requires you to think of some of your shining moments of failure, or your highlight reel, depending on how you like to look at it. You will be given ten scenarios and you must respond with a moment when you said some-thing bold, nasty, or downright tasteless. For exam-ple, think of something you “said to a waitress”. We aren’t looking for a response like, “I’ll take the chicken tacos please”. Dig deep. Think back to a time when you may have been very upset or said something embarrassing.

Pro tip: If you’re a perfect angel baby and can’t think of anything, make it up!

Did you know that swearing can physiologically affect your body?

Hearing and saying swear words can make your palms sweat. Swearing also helps you get your mind off physical pain. Which is nice to know for the next time you injure yourself, just start swearing like a sailor and claim it to be your therapeutic remedy. Think of all the foul phras-es you could get away with!

Exercise 1

been there, said that.

yelled during a video game broken toaster

nasty letter written lyrics sung

written on social media phone call

said to an elder while under the influence

said on camera I wouldn’t save ________ if they were drowning.

parental dependence.

• • • I call home…

Yearly +0 | Monthly +1 | Weekly+2 | Daily+ 3 | Hourly+4

• • • On a scale of 1-10 , how much do you fear disappointing your parents?

+| 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

• • • Do you talk about your love life with your parents?

No +0 | Yes+3

• • • Of the last 10 important decisions you’ve made, how many were your parents a part of ?

+| 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

• • • If your parents do not approve of something, do you still do that thing?

It’s my life +0 | I’ll consider it but, it’s my call +2 |Mom’s word is king +5

• • • How much do you agree with the following statement? “What Momma’ don’t know won’t hurt her”

+| 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

• • • When do you move out of your parents house?

As soon as I could/can +0 | Still here but I’m in school +1| In my Twenties +2 | Move out?... I never left +3

• • • Who does your laundry?

No one -3 | Significant other -1 | Myself +0 | My Mommy does +5

• • • Do you have a framed photograph of your parents?

My walls are for people I love -10 | No, I feel bad about it though +3 | Duh! What Rock Stars! +5

• • • Your gut reaction to the phrase “Dinner at mom’s” is...

Run!! -3 | Meh +0 | I’m there +2 | I’ll bring the kids +3 | Down in a minute +5

Our test is scientifically proven to provide you with an erroneous conclu-sion about your relationship with your parents. Its all in good fun. Our studies have shown that as a man, it is important to have an outstanding female figure in your development. The same is true for women.

Take our test to find out the severity of your relationship with your mom or dad. If you are a male, be thinking about your mother during this test. If you are female, when you read ‘parents’ in the quiz below, be thinking about your father. Don’t skip any questions and keep a running score in the space provided. Be honest. Momma’ didn’t raise no liar.

your score

An impactful caring father is key for self improvement. After all, Freud tells us that we grow up to date our parents, or at least someone who exhibits their qualities. So be loud, be proud. Love your parents. They brought you into this world and they can take you out of it!

Are you a Momma’s Boy or a Daddy’s Girl?

parental dependence.

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

BFF

LAND BETWEEN

SAFE ZONE

DUDE, CALL HOME

RAISED BY WOLVES

Mommy’s Cell Phone... ( ) -

Last time I called we talked about...

Daddy’s Cell Phone..... ( ) -

Last time I called we talked about...

DO NOT RESUSCITATEYour situation with your parents is so severe that you are incapable of performing rudimentary tasks such as whipping your own a**. You in-cessantly call your parents to com-plain about petty topics like how the

“cash register lady” asked for ID, but since you used Mommy’s Credit Card you couldn’t buy your precious mi-crowavable cheesy chicken tetrazz-ini. You’ve passed the point of no return. Why learn how to take care of yourself now, right? Have another Oreo you free-loading parasite.

BFFWhen you were growing up, your mother constantly warned you about the dangers of the other kids on the block. Your mom and dad made claims that everyone else your age was “on the drugs”. Through this over-bearing parenting method, you grew up loving your Mommy and Dad-dy. You have yet to make one true friend and you have obviously never been laid. Don’t worry though, my little Forest Gump, there is still time to shake off those leg braces! Get out there and see your first PG-13 film. You deserve it!

LAND BETWEEN

So, you’re out at the grocery store buying essentials for your new apart-ment kitchen, when suddenly you walk past the spatulas. You catch yourself reaching for your phone to speed dial Mom. You’re over-whelmed by the mediocre selection because your brain has hit fast for-ward to the first time your mother comes to visit and inspects your kitchen. She opens every drawer and then there it is… a George Foreman BBQ grill spatula. You know you’ve made a mistake, and like a dog you hang your head, scur-ry into the living room, and pee in the corner. Hang up that phone and make your own decisions, you scab of a Young Adult.

SAFE ZONE

You’re in luck! You call home to check in on your parents to make sure they haven’t become cat people, or worse, hoarders. You may forget to call home for several weeks, but when you finally do you catch your parents up on your life and tell them that you can’t wait to see them at Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, you moved away from home to take that dream job in Charlotte N.C. Your game of life is on point and you just adopted a rescue shelter dog named Doug like the champ your parents raised you to be. Go you!

DUDE, CALL HOME

Home is that place you showed up at to eat dinner occasionally and slunk your curfew breaking hind-quarters up to bed. The thought of calling home scares you because you know your parents will have a mil-lion questions to ask you, since the last time you called was six months ago and your Instagram has been flooded with dimly lit rooms since then. You aren’t a bad person, and you get along with your parents from time to time, if not all the time. You just need better communica-tion skills. Call your parents and see what they’re up to. However they probably won’t answer you because they’re in cancun spending your col-lege fund, you drop-out junkie.

RAISED BY WOLVES

Your lack of discipline and respect for your parents is unmeasurable. In fact, your parents may lack the same respect for you. They view you as an economic bottom feeder because you never left your dead-end job at Chili’s. Or, the polar opposite is true. You’ve gone on to make millions but forgot who and what got you there. Your parents are those peo-ple you read about in the newspaper and you’ll be attending the funeral on Tuesday, you prick. Now head back into the wild, you wildebeest. When you’re there, you’ll strip off your cloths and run free only to be shot in the a** by a drunk hunter. If you even scored this low may God have mercy on your soul.

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