Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog Script

DR. HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG BLOG

Music

Joss Whedon Jed Whedon

Book and Lyrics

Joss Whedon Jed Whedon

Zack Whedon Maurissa Tancharoen

Property of

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Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

Cast of Characters (14 actors: 10 male, 4 female)

Dr. Horrible / Billy Penny Captain Hammer Moist Bad Horse Chorus* Groupie Chorus* Newsman Newswoman Moving Guy* Other Moving Guy** Miscellaneous

Musical Numbers #1. Horrible Theme……………………………………………..Instrumental #2. My Freeze Ray………………………………………………..Dr. Horrible #3. Bad Horse Chorus…………………………………….Bad Horse Chorus #4. Caring Hands……………………………………………………..….Penny #4a. Heist Incidental………………………………..…………..Instrumental #5 A Man’s Gotta Do………….…Dr. Horrible, Penny, Captain Hammer #6. My Eyes………………………………………………Dr. Horrible, Penny #7. Bad Horse Chorus (Reprise)……………….………..Bad Horse Chorus #8. Penny’s Song…………………………………………………………Penny #9. Brand New Day……………………………………………….Dr. Horrible #10. So They Say…………………………………………………….Ensemble #11. Everyone’s a Hero…………………………………….Captain Hammer #12. Slipping………………………………………………………Dr. Horrible #13. Everything You Ever……………………………………….Dr. Horrible #14. Horrible Credits (Bows)..……….………………….……..Instrumental

Script Transcribed by J. Benedict

* Indicates a character whose gender can be changed.

3


ACT ONE

The stage is dimly lit in red light. Visible in the dim lighting are two rooms. On Stage Right is Dr. Horrible’s lab, with a camera set up on a desk. Against the wall sits a couch, and on the other wall is mounted a dry erase board with a table underneath it. On Stage Left, a Laundromat is seen, with two washers in the center of the room, and a bench against the wall. A screen is seen hanging above the stage. As the house lights dim, the red light grows more intense, and then fades to black.

#1 – Horrible Theme Instrumental

When the theme finishes playing, the lights in Dr. Horrible’s lab come up, and the screen comes to life with a live video projection of DR. HORRIBLE. He is making another entry for his online blog.

SCENE 1-1

DR. HORRIBLE (immediately as lights come up, evil laugh) AAAHHHH HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! So that's, you know... coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach; strengthening the "AAHHH". A lot of guys ignore the laugh, and that's about standards. If you're going to get into the Evil League of Evil, I mean you have to have a memorable laugh. What do you think Bad Horse didn't work on his whinny? His terrible death whinny. No response, BTW from the League yet, but, my application is strong this year; a letter of condemnation from the deputy mayor. That’s gotta have some weight, so, fingers crossed. (awkward silent pause) EMAILS! 2sly4you writes: “Hey Genius” Wow! Sarcasm. That’s ORIGINAL! (pause) “Where are the gold bars you were supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your trans-matter ray? Obviously it failed or it would be in the papers.” Well no, they’re not going to say anything in the press. But, BEHOLD. Transported from there to here.

(DR. HORRIBLE reaches off camera and brings into view a Ziploc bag with a metallic looking liquid inside. He pokes at it)

The molecules tend to shift during the trans-matter... um... event, but they were transported IN BAR FORM and they clearly were...

4


DR. HORRIBLE (cont.) (DR. HORRIBLE suddenly changes topic, becoming indignant) And by the way it's not about making money. It's about TAKING money. Destroying the status quo because the "status" is NOT "quo". The world is a mess and I just need to RULE it. I'm gonna... (sniffing at the bag) That smells like cumin. So, Trans-matter is 75% AND more importantly the Freeze-Ray is almost up. This is the one. Stops time. Freeze-ray. Tell your friends. We have... OH! Here's one from our good friend Johnny Snow. "Dr. Horrible. I see you are once again afraid to do battle with your nemesis. I waited at Dooley Park for 45 minutes..."Ok, DUDE you're NOT my nemesis. My nemesis is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer, Corporate TOOL. He dislocated my shoulder... again... last week. LOOK! I'm just trying to change the world, OK? I don't have time for a grudge match with every poser in a parka. Besides, there's kids in that park, so... Here's one from DeadNotSleeping. "Long time watcher, first time writing." Blah blah blah blah... "You always say on your blog that you will 'show her the way, show her you are a true villain'. Who is 'her' and does she even know that you're”... #2 – My Freeze Ray Dr. Horrible

As DR. HORRIBLE is reading the letter, he trails off. As this happens, the Laundromat becomes illuminated, and we can see Penny doing laundry.

DR. HORRIBLE

LAUNDRY DAY, SEE YOU THERE UNDERTHINGS, TUMBLING WANNA SAY, LOVE YOUR HAIR HERE I GO, MUMBLING WITH MY FREEZE RAY, I WILL STOP THE WORLD WITH MY FREEZE RAY I WILL FIND THE TIME TO FIND THE WORDS TO TELL YOU HOW, HOW YOU MAKE, MAKE ME FEEL, WHAT’S THE PHRASE? LIKE A FOOL, KIND OF SICK SPECIAL NEEDS, ANYWAYS WITH MY FREEZE, I WILL STOP, THE PAIN IT'S NOT A DEATH RAY OR AN ICE BEAM THAT'S ALL JOHNNY SNOW, I JUST THINK YOU NEED TIME TO KNOW

5


DR. HORRIBLE (cont.) THAT I'M THE GUY TO MAKE IT REAL THE FEELINGS YOU DON'T DARE TO FEEL I'LL BEND THE WORLD TO OUR WILL AND WE'LL MAKE TIME STAND STILL THAT'S THE PLAN, RULE THE WORLD YOU AND ME, ANY DAY LOVE YOUR HAIR PENNY What?

DR. HORRIBLE No, I, I, I love the, uh, air. Heh heh. ANYWAY, WITH MY FREEZE RAY I WILL STOP... SCENE 1-2

As the song is ending, the lights on the Laundromat fade out. MOIST, Dr. Horrible’s evil henchman, enters the lab, interrupting and ending DR. HORRIBLE'S song.

MOIST

Hey Doc.

DR. HORRIBLE Moist! My evil, moisture buddy. What's going on?

MOIST Life of crime. Got your mail.

(MOIST hands DR. HORRIBLE a stack of soggy mail. He goes and sits on the couch.)

DR. HORRIBLE

Hey, didn't you, uh, didn't you go on a date last night? Conflict Diamond told me you were doubling with Bait'N'Switch.

MOIST Yeah...

DR. HORRIBLE Yeah?

6


MOIST

It was alright. I kinda thought I was supposed to end up with Bait, but...

DR. HORRIBLE I hear ya. I saw Penny today.

MOIST You talk to her?

DR. HORRIBLE (rifling through his mail) So close. I'm just a few weeks away from real, audible, connection. I'm gonna ask... Oh my god!

MOIST Is that from the League?

DR. HORRIBLE It's from him! That's his seal, isn't it? (At this, DR. HORRIBLE holds up a letter with a seal of a horseshoe on the back)

MOIST The leader! Oh my god…

DR. HORRIBLE I got a letter from Bad Horse.

MOIST That's so hardcore. Bad Horse is legend, he rules the League with an iron hoof, are you sure you wanna... #3 – Bad Horse Chorus Bad Horse Chorus

MOIST is suddenly cut off by the appearance of the BAD HORSE CHORUS. They are dressed in western attire, and the form a group around DR. HORRIBLE and sing the contents of the letter. BAD HORSE CHORUS

BAD HORSE, BAD HORSE, BAD HORSE, BAD HORSE, HE RIDES ACROSS THE NATION, THE THOROUGHBRED OF SIN, HE GOT THE APPLICATION THAT YOU JUST SENT IN, IT NEEDS EVALUATION, SO LET THE GAMES BEGIN, A HEINOUS CRIME, A SHOW OF FORCE, A MURDER WOULD BE NICE OF COURSE.

7


BAD HORSE CHORUS (cont.)

BAD HORSE, BAD HORSE, BAD HORSE, HE'S BAD. THE EVIL LEAGUE OF EVIL, IS WATCHING SO BEWARE THE GRADE THAT YOU RECEIVE WILL BE YOUR LAST WE SWEAR, SO MAKE THE BAD HORSE GLEEFUL, OR HE'LL MAKE YOU HIS MARE. YOU'RE SADDLED UP, THERE'S NO RECOURSE IT'S HI HO SILVER! SIGNED BAD HORSE SCENE 1-3

As the BAD HORSE CHORUS is finishing the song, they are exiting through the door. They say their last line and the abruptly close the door. There is an awkward silence before MOIST continues.

MOIST

It's not a "no"...

DR. HORRIBLE Are you kidding? This is great! I am about to pull a major heist. You know the Wonderflonium I need for the Freeze Ray? It's being transported tomorrow.

MOIST Armored car?

DR. HORRIBLE Courier van. Candy from a baby.

MOIST You need anything dampened, or made soggy, or...?

DR. HORRIBLE Thanks, but the League is watching. I gotta go this alone. SCENE 2-1

The stage goes dark. SCENE 2-1 and SCENE 2-2 are all pre-recorded, and so are projected on the screen. When the screen illuminates, we see PENNY on the sidewalk, holding a clipboard and attempting to hand out fliers, though no one takes them.

8


#4 – Caring Hands Penny

PENNY

WILL YOU LEND A CARING HAND, TO SHELTER THOSE WHO NEED IT? ONLY HAVE TO SIGN YOUR NAME DON'T EVEN HAVE TO READ IT. WOULD YOU HELP? No? How 'bout you? #4a – Heist Incidental Instrumental SCENE 2-2

The scene shifts, revealing DR. HORRIBLE in his BILLY persona. He has a duffel bag and looks down the alley to see a van parked outside a building. He pulls out a receiver that will allow him to remote control and throws it towards the van. The receiver attaches itself to the van. BILLY pulls out the remote control and activates the receiver. As he's looking at the remote control, PENNY walks up behind him, singing a bar from “CARING HANDS”.

PENNY

WILL YOU LEND A CARING HAN-...

BILLY (startled) Ah! Aaah!

PENNY (startled from BILLY’s reaction) Oh, oh!

BILLY Ah! Ah! Hah! What?

PENNY I, I was wondering if I could just... Hey, I know you!

BILLY Hello. You know me? Cool. I mean, yeah, you do. Do you?

PENNY From the Laundromat?

BILLY (absentmindedly, and then flustered, and then “suave”) Wednesdays and Saturdays, except twice last month you skipped the weekend. Or, if that was you. It could have been somebody else. I mean, I've seen you. Billy is my name.

9


PENNY I'm Penny. (PENNY notices that BILLY doesn’t really look up from his “phone”) What are you doing?

BILLY Texting. It’s very important or I would stop. What are you doing?

PENNY Actually I’m out here volunteering for the Caring Hands Homeless Shelter. Can you spare a minute?

BILLY (glancing at the van) Ummm... OK, go.

PENNY

OK, umm, we’re hoping to open up a new location soon, expand our efforts. There’s this great building nearby that the city is just going to demolish and turn into a parking lot, but if we get enough signatures...

BILLY (condescendingly) Signatures? *pfft*

PENNY Yeah.

BILLY I'm sorry, go on.

PENNY I was saying, um, maybe we could get the city to donate the building to our cause. We would be able to provide 250 new beds, (BILLY starts becoming distracted by the beeping on his remote control) Get people off the streets and into job training so they could... buy rocket packs and go to the moon and become... florists... You’re not really interested in the homeless, are you?

BILLY No, I am. But they’re a symptom. You’re treating a symptom and the disease rages on, consumes the human race. The fish rots from the head as they say. So my thinking is why not cut off the head?

10


PENNY

Of the human race?

BILLY It's not a... perfect... metaphor. But I'm talking about an overhaul of the system. Putting the power in... DIFFERENT... hands.

PENNY I'm all for that... this petition is about the building...

BILLY I'd love to sign.

PENNY Thank you.

BILLY Sorry I... I come on strong.

PENNY But you signed.

BILLY Wouldn’t want to turn my back on a fellow laundry person...

PENNY Well if WE can’t stick together I don’t... I’ll probably see you there.

(As PENNY is speaking, BILLY notices that the Wonderflonium is being transported to the van.)

BILLY

No, I will, I'll...

(BILLY turns around and notices that PENNY has gone.) She talked to me. Why did she talk to me now? Maybe I should...

#5 – A Man’s Gotta Do Dr. Horrible, Penny, Captain Hammer

BILLY considers whether or not he should go talk to PENNY, but his need to join the Evil League of Evil overpowers his want of PENNY, and he decides to carry out his plan. Partway through his lines, BILLY stoops down, and a second later remerges as DR. HORRIBLE.

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BILLY

A MAN'S GOTTA DO WHAT A MAN'S GOTTA DO, DON'T PLAN THE PLAN IF YOU CAN'T FOLLOW THROUGH ALL THAT MATTERS IS TAKING MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS SOON I'LL CONTROL EVERYTHING MY WISH IS YOUR COMMAND...

CAPTAIN HAMMER STAND BACK EVERYONE, NOTHIN' HERE TO SEE JUST IMMINENT DANGER, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ME YES, CAPTAIN HAMMER'S HERE, HAIR BLOWING IN THE BREEZE, THE DAY NEEDS MY SAVING EXPERTISE. A MAN'S GOTTA DO WHAT A MAN'S GOTTA DO, SEEMS DESTINY ENDS WITH ME SAVING YOU, THE ONLY DOOM THAT'S LOOMING IS YOU LOVING ME TO DEATH SO I'LL GIVE YOU A SEC TO CATCH YOUR BREATH.

DR. HORRIBLE You idiot!

CAPTAIN HAMMER Dr. Horrible. I should have know you were behind this.

DR. HORRIBLE You almost killed her!

CAPTAIN HAMMER I remember it differently.

DR. HORRIBLE Is she... *ugh*

CAPTAIN HAMMER seizes DR. HORRIBLE by the throat.

CAPTAIN HAMMER It's curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.

DR. HORRIBLE Whuh?

12


PENNY

THANK YOU HAMMER MAN, I DON'T THINK I CAN EXPLAIN HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS THAT YOU STOPPED THE VAN I WOULD BE SPLATTERED, I'D BE CRUSHED INTO DEBRIS THANK YOU SIR FOR SAVING ME

CAPTAIN HAMMER Don't worry about it.

Dr. Horrible: Balls! END ACT I

CAPTAIN HAMMER A MAN’S GOTTA DO WHAT A MAN’S GOTTA DO SEEMS DESTINY ENDS WITH ME SAVING YOU WHEN YOU’RE THE BEST, YOU CAN’T REST, WHAT’S THE USE? THERE’S ASS NEEDS KICKING SOME TICKING BOMB TO DIFFUSE THE ONLY DOOM THAT’S LOOMING IS YOU LOVING ME TO DEATH SO, PLEASE GIVE ME A SEC TO CATCH MY BREATH

PENNY YOU CAME FROM ABOVE I WONDER WHAT YOU’RE CAPTAIN OF MY HEART IS BEATING LIKE A DRUM MUST BE IN SHOCK ASSUMING I’M NOT LOVING YOU TO DEATH SO, PLEASE GIVE ME A SEC TO CATCH MY BREATH

DR. HORRIBLE ARE YOU KIDDING? WHAT HEIST WERE YOU WATCHING? Stop looking at her like that. DID YOU NOTICE THAT HE THREW YOU IN THE GARBAGE.? I STOPPED THE VAN. THE REMOTE CONTROL WAS IN MY HAND WHATEVER

13


ACT II #6 – My Eyes (On the Rise) Dr. Horrible, Penny

The stage becomes lit with BILLY in his lab.

BILLY ANY DOLT WITH HALF A BRAIN, CAN SEE THAT HUMAN KIND HAS GONE INSANE, TO THE POINT WHERE I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL UPSET THE STATUS QUO IF I THROW POISON IN THE WATER MAIN. LISTEN CLOSE TO EVERYBODY'S HEART AND HEAR THAT BREAKING SOUND HOPES AND DREAMS ARE SHATTERING APART AND CRASHING TO THE GROUND I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY EYES HOW THE WORLD'S FILLED WITH FILTH AND LIES BUTS IT'S PLAIN TO SEE, EVIL INSIDE OF ME IS ON THE RISE

(Up stage left becomes lit and PENNY is visible, a homeless shelter can be discerned from tables and homeless people eating at them. PENNY is sitting with CAPTAIN HAMMER.)

PENNY

LOOK AROUND, WE'RE LIVING WITH THE LOST AND FOUND JUST WHEN YOU FEEL YOU'VE ALMOST DROWNED YOU FIND YOURSELF ON SOLID GROUND AND YOU BELIEVE THERE'S GOOD IN EVERYBODY'S HEART KEEP IT SAFE AND SOUND WITH HOPE, YOU CAN DO YOUR PART TO TURN A LIFE AROUND I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY EYES IS THE WORLD FINALLY GROWING WISE CAUSE IT SEEMS TO ME, SOME KIND OF HARMONY, IS ON THE RISE

14


SCENE 1-1

The lights go to blackout on the bump at the end of “My Eyes”. Stage left becomes lit; BILLY and PENNY are doing laundry.

PENNY It is so dumb that we have been coming here for so long and never spoke.

BILLY I know, all those months doing a stunningly boring chore.

PENNY I'm a fan of laundry.

BILLY Psyche! I love it!

PENNY The smell of fabric softener.

BILLY MMmmm.

PENNY The feel of warm clothes in your hands.

BILLY

So good.

BILLY ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAIN COULD SPEND THEIR WHOLE LIFE HOWLING IN PAIN CAUSE THE DARK IS EVERYWHERE AND PENNY DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE THAT SOON THE DARK IN ME IS ALL THAT WILL REMAIN LISTEN CLOSE TO EV’RYBODY’S HEART AND HEAR THAT BREAKING SOUND HOPES AND DREAMS ARE SHATTERING APART AND CRASHING TO THE GROUND I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY EYES HOW THE WORLD’S FILLED WITH FILTH AND LIES BUT IT’S PLAIN TO SEE EVIL INSIDE OF ME IS ON THE RISE

PENNY TAKE IT SLOW HE LOOKS AT ME AND SEEMS TO KNOW THE THINGS THAT I’M AFRAID TO SHOW AND SUDDENLY I FEEL THIS GLOW AND I BELIEVE THERE’S GOOD IN EV’RYBODY’S HEART KEEP IT SAFE AND SOUND WITH HOPE YOU CAN DO YOUR PART TO TURN A LIFE AROUND I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY EYES HOW THE WORLD’S FIN’LLY GROWING WISE AND IT’S PLAIN TO SEE RAPTURE INSIDE OF ME IS ON THE RISE

15


BILLY gets a bag of frozen yogurt and reaches in and pulls out two frozen yogurts.

BILLY

Hey, this is weird. I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?

PENNY I love it.

BILLY You're kidding? What a crazy random happenstance! Here.

PENNY Thank you.

BILLY So how was your weekend? Did you spend the whole time hunting wild signatures?

PENNY Um, actually, I went on a date...

BILLY Get right outta town. How was that?

PENNY Unexpected. He's a really good-looking guy, and I thought he was kinda cheesy at first...

BILLY (Interrupting) Trust your instincts

PENNY But, he turned out to be totally sweet. Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface.

BILLY And sometimes there's a third, even deeper level and that one is the same as the top surface one.

PENNY

Huh?

BILLY Like with pie. So are you gonna see him again?

16


PENNY

I think I will...

BILLY Huh

PENNY Billy?

BILLY Yeah?

PENNY You're driving the spork into your leg.

BILLY So I am. Hilarious. Heh heh heh heh. SCENE 2-1

DR. HORRIBLE is sitting at his computer blogging. He is not visible on stage. This part is pre-recorded in order to give the actor time to change (he underdresses in his Billy persona). DR. HORRIBLE All right. The wait is over. This, my friends, is my Freeze Ray, which, with the addition of the Wonderflonium I obtained at my famously successful heist last week... I say successful in that I achieved my objective. It was less successful in that I inadvertently introduced my arch-nemesis to the girl of my dreams, and now he's taking her out on dates, and they're probably going to French kiss or something. She called him sweet. How is he sweet? RIGHT. Freeze Ray. SO as of tonight I am in the Evil League of Evil if all goes according to plan; which it WILL because I hold a PhD in Horribleness. See you at the aftermath. PEACE!

(DR. HORRIBLE makes a peace sign) But not literally... SCENE 2-2

The stage goes dark. When the lights come back on, DR. HORRIBLE'S lab is visible, along with DR. HORRIBLE. He is disheveled.

17


DR. HORRIBLE

*cough* ahem. The Freeze Ray needs work. I also need to be a LITTLE bit more careful about what I say on this blog. Apparently the L.A.P.D and Captain Hammer are among our viewers. They were waiting for me at the Mayor's dedication of the Superhero Memorial Bridge. The Freeze Ray takes a few seconds to warm up and I wasn't... Captain Hammer threw a car at my head. Not to worry though, because I'm…

(Cell Phone Rings with the “Bad Horse Chorus” theme) Oh, one second. #7 – Bad Horse Chorus Reprise Bad Horse Chorus

BAD HORSE CHORUS HE SAW THE OPERATION YOU TRIED TO PULL TODAY BUT YOUR HUMILIATION MEANS HE STILL VOTES "NAY" AND NOW ASSASSINATION IS JUST THE ONLY WAY, THERE WILL BE BLOOD, IT MIGHT BE YOURS SO GO KILL SOMEONE, SIGNED BAD HORSE. SCENE 3-1

Blackout, and then the lights fade back up. In DR. HORRIBLE'S lab. MOIST is trying to open a jar.

MOIST Kill someone?

DR. HORRIBLE Would you do it? To get into the Evil League of Evil?

MOIST Look at me man. I'm Moist. At my most badass I make people feel like they wanna take a shower. I'm not E.L.E. material.

DR. HORRIBLE Killing's not elegant or creative. It's not my style.

MOIST You've got more than enough evil hours to get into the Henchman's Union.

DR. HORRIBLE *PSSH* I'm not a henchman. I'm Dr. Horrible; I've got a PhD in Horribleness.

18


MOIST

Is that the new catchphrase?

DR. HORRIBLE I deserve to get in; you know I do. But killing?

MOIST Hourglass says she knows a kid in Iowa, grows up to be President. That'd be... big.

DR. HORRIBLE I'm not gonna kill a little kid.

MOIST Smother an old lady!

DR. HORRIBLE Do I even know you?!

SCENE 4-1

Blockout. The screen lights up and we see DR. HORRIBLE practicing his evil laugh; this will give the actor time to change from DR. HORRIBLE to BILLY. BILLY and PENNY are sitting on top of the laundry machines eating frozen yogurt.

BILLY I just, you know, really think I'm qualified for this job, and, I just can't get my foot in the door.

PENNY I'm sure you will.

BILLY I wanna do great things, you know? I wanna be an achiever, like Bad Horse.

PENNY The Thoroughbred of Sin?

BILLY I meant Gandhi.

PENNY Well, I've gotten turned down from plenty of jobs. Even fired a few times.

BILLY I can't imagine anybody firing you.

19


PENNY

Neither could I. Now I can visualize it really well. But you know, everything happens...

Billy: (interrupting) Don't say for a reason.

PENNY No, I'm just saying that, everything happens.

BILLY Not to me. #8 – Penny’s Song Penny

PENNY

HERE'S A STORY OF A GIRL, WHO GREW UP LOST AND LONELY, THINKIN' LOVE WAS FAIRY TALE, AND TROUBLE WAS MADE ONLY FOR ME. EVEN IN THE DARKNESS, EVERY COLOR CAN BE FOUND, AND EVERY DAY OF RAIN BRINGS WATER FLOWING TO THINGS GROWING IN THE GROUND.

(PENNY gets up and walks to the bench; BILLY follows.) GRIEF REPLACED WITH PITY, FOR A CITY BARELY COPING, DREAMS ARE EASY TO ACHIEVE IF HOPE IS ALL I'M HOPING TO BE. ANYTIME YOUR HURT THERE'S ONE WHO HAS IT WORSE AROUND AND EVERY DROP OF RAIN WILL KEEP YOU GROWING SEEDS YOU'RE SOWING IN THE GROUND. SO, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, BILLY BUDDY. SCENE 4-2

By this point, BILLY and PENNY are both seated on the bench. They go for a kiss, but then PENNY decides against it.

PENNY It's like Captain Hammer's always saying.

20


BILLY

*Pssh* Right. Him. How are things with Cheesy-On-The-Outside?

PENNY Good. They’re good. He's nice. I'll be interested to know what you think of him; he said he might stop by.

BILLY Stop by here?

PENNY Yeah.

BILLY Oh, goodness, look at my wrist. I gotta go.

PENNY But, but what about your clothes?

(BILLY goes to the washer, looks inside.)

BILLY I don't love these. See ya!

(BILLY turns around and runs into CAPTAIN HAMMER, who has just walked in the door.)

CAPTAIN HAMMER

Oh! Pardon.

BILLY Pardon.

PENNY Um, Billy, this is Captain Hammer.

CAPTAIN HAMMER Ah! Billy, the laundry buddy. Well, it is very nice to meet you.

BILLY We're meeting now for the first time.

CAPTAIN HAMMER You look horribly familiar.

BILLY One of those faces I guess.

21


CAPTAIN HAMMER

Have I seen you at the gym?

BILLY At the gym...

CAPTAIN HAMMER I don't go to the gym; I'm just naturally like this. Oh well. Who wants to know what the mayor is doing behind closed doors? He is signing over a certain building to a Caring Hands group as a new homeless shelter.

PENNY

Oh my god!

CAPTAIN HAMMER Yep. Apparently the only signature he needed was my fist. But with a pen in it, that I was signing with...

PENNY I— I can't believe it.

BILLY Congratulations.

PENNY Thank you! Thank you!

(PENNY kisses CAPTAIN HAMMER in thanks. The buzzer for her laundry goes off.)

Oh!

(PENNY goes to retrieve her laundry)

BILLY Well, this is great. I wish I could stay and chitchat.

(BILLY attempts to leave, but CAPTAIN HAMMER grabs him by the shoulder and spins him around)

CAPTAIN HAMMER

Well, it sure was nice to meet you, Doctor. You got a little crush, don't you Doc? Well that’s gonna make this hard to hear. See, later I'm gonna take little Penny back to my place. Show her the command center, Hammer-cycle, maybe even the Ham-Jet. You think she likes me now? I'm gonna give Penny the night of her life, just because you want her. And I get what you want. See, Penny's giving it up, she's giving it up hard. 'Cause she's with Cap'n Hammer.

22


CAPTAIN HAMMER (cont.) (CAPTAIN HAMMER raises his fists)

And these are not the hammer.

(CAPTAIN HAMMER starts to walk away, and then returns after a second) The hammer is my penis.

(CAPTAIN HAMMER and PENNY walk out together) #9 – Brand New Day Dr. Horrible

BILLY stands in place. An evil grin comes across his face as the song begins.

BILLY THIS APPEARED AS A MORAL DILEMMA CAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS WEIRD THOUGH I SWORE TO ELIMINATE THE WORST OF THE PLAGUE THAT DEVOURED HUMANITY IT'S, TRUE. I WAS VAGUE ON THE HOW SO CAN IT BE THAT YOU HAVE SHOWN ME THE LIGHT? IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY, AND THE SUN IS HIGH ALL THE BIRDS ARE SINGIN' THAT YOU'RE GONNA DIE HOW I HESITATED NOW I WONDER WHY, IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY

(Clips of CAPTAIN HAMMER beating up DR. HORRIBLE appear on the screen) ALL THE TIMES THAT YOU BEAT ME UNCONCIOUS I'LL FORGIVE ALL THE CRIMES IMCOMPLETE, LISTEN HONESTLY I'LL LIVE MR. COOL, MR. RIGHT, MR. KNOW-IT-ALL IS THROUGH NOW THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU WHO SHOWED ME THE LIGHT. IT'S A BRAND NEW ME, I'VE GOT NO REMORSE NOW THE WATER'S RISIN', BUT I KNOW THE COURSE I'M GONNA SHOCK THE WORLD, GONNA SHOW BAD HORSE IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY

23


AND PENNY WILL SEE THE EVIL ME NOT A JOKE, NOT A DORK, NOT A FAILURE AND SHE MAY CRY, BUT HER TEARS WILL DRY WHEN I HAND HER THE KEYS TO A SHINY NEW AUSTRALIA IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY, YEAH THE SUN IS HIGH ALL THE ANGELS SING BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA DIE GO AHEAD AND LAUGH, YEAH I'M A FUNNY GUY TELL EVERYONE GOODBYE IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY. END ACT II

24


ACT III SCENE 1-1

On-screen, the NEWSWOMAN and NEWSMAN are finishing a news report.

NEWSWOMAN Looks like we're finding out what a true hero is.

NEWSMAN The mayor himself will be on-hand to dedicate the new homeless shelter and unveil the statue of Captain Hammer.

NEWSWOMAN It's a good day to be homeless.

NEWSMAN Ha ha ha! It certainly is. #10 – So They Say (Perfect Story) Ensemble

The lights come up on stage. The lamppost is pre-set for the groupies. DR. HORRIBLE is working in his lab on a Death Ray, and PENNY and CAPTAIN HAMMER are in the homeless shelter.

MOVING GUY

SO THEY SAY CAPTAIN HAMMER'S BECOME A CRUSADER POLITICAL, HE'S CLEANING UP THE STREETS

OTHER MOVING GUY

ABOUT TIME

GROUPIE #1 SO THEY SAY THAT IT'S REAL LOVE

GROUPIES SO ROMANTIC

GROUPIE #2 HE SIGNED THIS

PENNY

SO THEY SAY WE'LL HAVE BLANKETS AND BEDS WE CAN OPEN BY MONDAY, THANKS TO YOU

25


CAPTAIN HAMMER

THANKS TO ME! NEWSMAN AND NEWSWOMAN IT'S THE PERFECT STORY

NEWSMAN SO THEY SAY

NEWSWOMAN A HERO LEADING THE WAY NEWSMAN AND NEWSWOMAN HAMMER'S CALL TO GLORY

NEWSWOMAN LET'S ALL BE OUR BEST

NEWSMAN NEXT UP, WHO'S GAY?

GROUPIE #3 SO THEY SAY HE SAVED HER LIFE

GROUPIE #1 THEY SAY SHE WORKS WITH THE HOMELESS AND DOESN'T EAT MEAT, WE HAVE A

GROUPIES PROBLEM WITH HER

GROUPIE #2 THIS IS HIS HAIR

CAPTAIN HAMMER THIS IS SO NICE, I JUST MIGHT SLEEP WITH THE SAME GIRL TWICE, THEY SAY IT'S BETTER THE SECOND TIME, THEY SAY YOU GET TO DO THE WEIRD STUFF.

GROUPIES WE DO THE WEIRD STUFF.

26


PENNY

THIS IS PERFECT FOR ME, SO THEY SAY, I GUESS HE'S PRETTY OK, AFTER YEARS OF STORMY SAILING HAVE I FINALLY FOUND THE BAY?

GROUPIE #2

THIS IS HIS DRY-CLEANING BILL

GROUPIES FOR A SWEATER VEST!

SCENE 1-2

As "So They Say" ends, the light fades on the GROUPIES, and they carry out the lamppost. The main curtain comes down, and the stage is set for the dedication. As the light fades back up, the MAYOR starts to speak at the podium. A “statue” is covered on stage left.

MAYOR

And in just a few minutes, we'll unveil the statue of the man himself. Thank you. Thank you. Justice has a name, and the name that it has, besides Justice, is Captain Hammer. Ladies and Gentlemen, your hero!

CAPTAIN HAMMER Thank you. Thank you Mayor for those kind words.

(CAPTAIN HAMMER begins to read his speech off of cue cards, causing his words to be cut off)

DR. HORRIBLE THERE’S NO HAPPY ENDING SO THEY SAY NOT FOR ME ANYWAY STOP PRETENDING TAKE THE CHANCE TO BUILD A BRAND NEW DAY

PENNY THERE’S NO HAPPY ENDING SO THEY SAY SHOULD I STOP PRETENDING OR IS THIS A BRAND NEW DAY

27


CAPTAIN HAMMER (cont.)

I hate the homeless... -ness problem that plagues our city. Everyone should have the basic... You know what? I don't need tiny cue cards. When I fell deeply in love with my serious, long-term girlfriend Penny. Wave your hand Penny. There she is! Cute, huh? Sort of a quite, nerdy thing. Not my usual, but nice. Anyway. She turned me on to this whole homeless thing, which is terrible, and I realized, I’m not the only hero in the room tonight. I'm not the only one who's fighting. #11 – Everyone’s A Hero Captain Hammer

CAPTAIN HAMMER IT MAY NOT FEEL TOO CLASSY, BEGGING JUST TO EAT. BUT YOU KNOW WHO DOES THAT? LASSIE. AND SHE ALWAYS GETS A TREAT. SO YOU WONDER WHAT YOUR PART IS, CAUSE YOUR HOMELESS AND DEPRESSED, BUT HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS, SO YOUR REAL HOME'S IN YOUR CHEST. EVERYONE'S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY, EVERYONE'S GOT VILLIANS THEY MUST FACE, THEY'RE NOT AS COOL AS MINE, BUT FOLKS YOU KNOW IT'S FINE TO KNOW YOUR PLACE. EVERYONE'S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY, IN THEIR OWN NOT THAT HEROIC WAY. So I thank my girlfriend Penny. Yeah, we totally had sex. SHE SHOWED ME THERE’S SO MANY DIFFERNT MUSCLES I CAN FLEX THERE'S THE DELTOIDS OF COMPASSION THERE'S THE ABS OF BEING KIND, IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO BASH IN HEADS, YOU'VE GOT TO BASH IN MINDS. EVERYONE'S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY, EVERYONE'S GOT SOMETHING THEY CAN DO, GET UP, GO OUT AND FLY, ESPECIALLY THAT GUY, HE SMELLS LIKE POO. EVERYONE'S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY, YOU, AND YOU, AND MOSTLY ME, AND YOU.

28


CAPTAIN HAMMER (cont.)

I'M POVERY'S NEW SHERRIF, AND I'M BASHING IN THE SLUMS. A HERO DOESN'T CARE IF YOU'RE A BUNCH OF SCARY ALCOHOLIC BUMS! EVERYBODY!

(As CAPTAIN HAMMER is saying this line, DR. HORRIBLE comes out from under the sheet that is supposed to be the statue, and he shoots CAPTAIN HAMMER with the Freeze Ray)

#12 – Slipping Dr. Horrible

DR. HORRIBLE Mmhmhmhmhmhahahahaha.

(DR. HORRIBLE jumps off of the platform) LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE, AMAZING HOW SHEEP WILL SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER, NO ONE CONDEMMING YOU, LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS, YOU'RE LED TO THE WATER. WHY CAN'T THEY SEE WHAT I SEE? WHY CAN'T THEY HEAR THE LIES? MAYBE THE FEE'S TO PRICEY FOR THEM TO REALIZE, YOUR DISGUISE IS SLIPPING. I THINK YOU'RE SLIPPING.

CAPTAIN HAMMER EVERYONE'S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY, EVERYONE CAN BLAZE A HERO'S TRAIL DON'T WORRY IF IT'S HARD, IF YOU'RE NOT A FRIGGIN' 'TARD YOU WILL PREVAIL. EVEYONE'S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY EVERYONE'S A HERO IN THEIR...

CROWD AAH. WE’RE HEROS TOO. WE’RE JUST LIKE YOU. OOOOOOHHHHH AAAAHHHHHH WE’RE HEROS TOO.

29


DR. HORRIBLE (cont.) NOW THAT YOUR SAVIOR IS STILL AS THE GRAVE YOU'RE BEGINNING TO FEAR ME. LIKE CAVEMEN FEAR THUNDER, I STILL HAVE TO WONDER, CAN YOU REALLY HEAR ME? I BRING YOU PAIN, THE KIND YOU CAN’T SUFFER QUIETLY. FIRE UP YOUR BRAIN, REMIND INSIDE YOUR RIOTING SOCIETY IS SLIPPING, EVERYTHING'S SLIPPING AWAY. SO,

(DR. HORRIBLE grabs his Death ray from the platform and fires it into the air.) GO AHEAD, RUN AWAY, SAY IT WAS HORRIBLE SPREAD THE WORD, TELL A FRIEND, TELL THEM THE TALE, GET A PIC, DO A BLOG, HEROS ARE OVER WITH, LOOK AT HIM! NOT A WORD. HAMMER MEET NAIL! THEN I WIN, THEN I GET, EVR'YTHING I EVER. ALL THE CASH, AND THE FAME AND SOCIAL CHANGE. ANARCHY, THAT I RUN! IT'S DR. HORRIBLE'S TURN YOU PEOPLE ALL HAVE TO LEARN, THIS WORLD IS GOING TO BURN! BURN!

(DR. HORRIBLE turns to a reporter) Yeah, it's two R's. H-O-R-R, yeah. BURN! NO SIGN OF PENNY, GOOD, I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING NOT TO HAVE HER SEE, IT'S GONNA BE BLOODY, HEAD UP BILLY BUDDY, THERE'S NO TIME FOR MERCY. HERE GOES: NO MERCY!

30


SCENE 1-3

As "SLIPPING" finishes, the Freeze Ray audibly powers down.

DR. HORRIBLE That's not a good sound.

(CAPTAIN HAMMER punches DR. HORRIBLE, sending him and the Death Ray flying back. CAPTAIN HAMMER walks over and picks up the Death Ray, puts his foot on DR. HORRIBLE, and finishes "EVERYONE'S A HERO")

CAPTAIN HAMMER

WAY! A Death Ray. Looks like Dr. Horrible's moving up. Let's see if this one works any better than your others.

DR. HORRIBLE Don't…

CAPTAIN HAMMER (Interrupting) I don't have time for your warnings. You give my regards to Saint Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell.

(CAPTAIN HAMMER fires the Death Ray, but it backfires and sends him flying backwards. The Death Ray shatters.)

AAAGGGHHHH! I'm in pain! I think this is what pain feels like. Oh mama! Someone maternal! Get out of my way!

(CAPTAIN HAMMER exits DR. HORRIBLE gets up and looks around. He looks over to see that PENNY has been struck by the shrapnel of the Death Ray. DR. HORRIBLE runs over to her.)

DR. HORRIBLE

Penny! Penny! Penny.

PENNY Billy? Is that you?

DR. HORRIBLE Penny, hold on. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

PENNY Billy? Are you alright?

31


DR. HORRIBLE

Hold on.

PENNY It's ok. It's ok. Captain Hammer will save us.

(PENNY dies. DR. HORRIBLE tries to speak, but incoherent starts of words come out. He stands up, and reporters come up to him with cameras.)

CROWD (all struggling to get DR. HORRIBLE’s attention)

Dr. Horrible! Why did you kill her? Dr. Horrible! (ect) #13 – Everything You Ever Dr. Horrible

DR. HORRIBLE

HERE LIES EVERYTHING, THE WORLD I WANTED AT MY FEET, MY VICTORY'S COMPLETE, SO HAIL TO THE KING. ARISE AND SING. SO YOUR WORLD'S BENIGN, SO YOU THINK JUSTICE HAS A VOICE, AND WE ALL HAVE A CHOICE, WELL NOW YOUR WORLD IS MINE, AND I AM FINE.

(DR. HORRIBLE leaves stage to change back into his Billy persona, the lights grow dim, and the following is the on screen: when Dr. Horrible is at the party, changing his outfit, and going into the conference room of the E.L.E.)

NOW THE NIGHTMARE'S REAL, NOW DR. HORRIBLE IS HERE, TO MAKE YOU QUAKE WITH FEAR, TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD KNEEL, AND I WONT FEEL,

(BILLY is sitting on a washing machine when the lights come on suddenly for the last line)

BILLY A THING. #14 – Horrible Credits (Bows) Instrumental CURTAIN

Documents

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog Script