95 J A N U A R Y 2 015

QU I Z HOW

DRUNK ARE YOU?

Take our test, devised by sports scientist Dr Greg Whyte, to determine how

much strife you’re in

SCOR E1-2 G O T O STAGE ON E 3 - 4 G O T O STAGE T WO 5 -7 G O T O STAG E T H R E E

8 -10 G O T O STAG E F OU R 1 1-13 G O T O STAG E F I V E 14 + G O T O STAGE S I X

01 Have you drunk more than one

drink an hour for more than

three hours?

Y: 4 units N: 0 units

02 Can you touch

the end of your nose with your index finger

at the first try?

Y: 0 units N: 2 units

03 Can you

run through the alphabet backwards?

Y: 0 units N: 1 units

04 Lift one foot

15 centimetres off the ground. Can you

balance for 30 seconds?

Y: 0 units N: 2 units

06 Would you

introduce Kim Kardashian to your mother?

Y: 3 units N: 0 units 05

Wanna fight?

Y: 4 units N: 0 units

T H E GIG GL E S The functioning of

your frontal lobe, which controls inhibitions, has been

suppressed. You’re louder than you think. To remedy it, the University of Indiana

suggests eating around 2000 kilojoules.

y a h o o7. c o m . a u / m e n s h e a l t h96

STAGE 01( M E R RY )

SOBER UP AT SPEED

When a “quick beer” after work makes you

late for a date, this recovery meal will

restore sobriety

CROQUE MONSIEUR2 slices white bread 3 tbsp béchamel sauce 3 slices ham 2 handfuls grated cheddar By Vincent Menager of The Balcon

CHEESY DOES ITBefore being interrogated, destroy

the evidence with this pimped-up

cheese toastie. Alcohol makes

you crave the umami goodness

of melted cheese, which is handy

because it also clears your head.

Research at the University of

Maine found dairy foods prevent

cognitive impairment, disguising

any telltale slurring. Toast the

bread, spread on the béchamel,

and add the ham and cheese.

MELT YOUR MEALPop your cheesy salvation in the

oven at 200°C for eight minutes.

As it cooks, have a few extra

shreds of ham and a glass of

lemonade – this gives you a dose

of re-energising glucose and helps

your stomach process the alcohol.

As a bonus, the ham’s protein

lowers your risk of a headache

the next morning, say Newcastle

University researchers.

97 J A N U A R Y 2 015

STAGE 02(S L OW I NG

D OW N )

KEEP YOUR HEAD

Your brain is literally shrinking

– rescue a neuron or two and cancel your headache with a slice

of bright thinking

PITA PIZZA1 wholegrain pita 8 slices chorizo Handful parmesan Handful rocket 1 tbsp pesto 1 dollop low-salt tomato purée 1 dollop hummus By Charlie Nelson

of Fundi Pizza

A TIME TO GRILLThe average takeaway pizza

delivers 12g of brain-shrinking

salt. It’s the last thing your body

needs, as it dehydrates you

further, even if your taste buds

are in denial. At home, make

your own low-salt version with

toppings that pre-empt your

hangover. It’s also much simpler

than your average homemade

pizza, so your ailing grey matter

should manage. Lay an open

pita on a grill rack. Spread

the tomato purée and scatter

on the chorizo – its amino

acids will restore depleted

neurotransmitters. Add the

parmesan and grill for four

minutes. Try not to nod off.

ROCKET SCIENCEOnce the cheese has melted

and the chorizo’s crispy, take it

out and plate up. Dump on the

rocket, drizzle the pesto and

smear on your secret weapon,

the hummus. Its huge vitamin

C, iron, folate and vitamin B6

content is exactly what you

need to start repairing the

damage. Vitamin C rehydrates

you, while research in the

American Journal of Clinical

Nutrition suggests that the

folate will help restore your

cognitive function. Now do the

smart thing: scoff it down and

go to sleep.

T H E BR A I N DR A I N

After 2-3 drinks, your hippocampus is disrupted, says the journal Alcohol Research & Health. New memories won’t be fully

encoded, so expect a few black spots. Eat promptly to rescue brain function.

CO OK BO OKCO OK BO OK

T H E

98 y a h o o7. c o m . a u / m e n s h e a l t h

STAGE 03( HOR N Y )

SEDUCE OVER

SUPPERStumble home with

somebody special and boost your late-night

performance

EGG EN COCOT TE2 eggsHandful mushrooms2 handfuls cheese (ideally gruyère) Handful spinach100ml cream½ glass white wine1 garlic cloveBy Daniel Doherty

of Duck & Waffle

BE THE FUNGISure, it has a fancy name,

but even your cocktail-addled

brain can tackle this dish. And

if you have procured a house

guest, she’s guaranteed to

love it too. Grab a couple of

small oven-proof dishes, butter

the bottoms and throw in the

spinach. Set your oven to 180°C

and, while it heats, fry the

mushrooms in a pan with the

garlic and white wine for five

minutes. Mushrooms are loaded

with B vitamins, including niacin,

which improves bloodflow,

according to the University of

Maryland. That’s not only good

for your mental faculties – it can

also combat the, um, droopier

effects of alcohol.

SHROOM SHROOMAdd the mushrooms to the

dishes, crack an egg into each,

then sprinkle cheese on top.

Bake for eight minutes for an

irresistible hangover one-

two. Eggs are loaded with

cysteine, which helps your

liver remove one of the key

toxins produced after drinking,

while the mushrooms contain

pantothenic acid, which the

Journal of Food Science found

reduces hangover symptoms.

Ask her how she likes her eggs

(yes, she’s heard the joke) and

add a minute if she prefers

them well done. We’ll leave

dessert up to you.

T H E HOR N Goggles on: the

University of Bristol found alcohol does

make others appear more attractive. But beware:

while your libido will rise, booze has a bad effect

on performance.

CO OK BO OKCO OK BO OK

T H E

99 J A N U A R Y 2 015

STAGE 0 4(C LU M SY )

SWEET DREAMS

If you can’t afford a boozy aftermath, dilute the alcohol

in your system and enjoy a restful sleep

COCA-COLA CHICKEN6 chicken thighs 1 can of Coke60ml soy sauce2 tbsp five spice powder1 onion, roughly chopped4 garlic cloves, smashedBy Thomasina Miers

of Wahaca

SUGAR HITHeat the oven to 200°C

and put the chicken in an

ovenproof dish. Have a swig

from the Coke if you’re

seeing double. Fructose

isn’t normally MH-approved,

but right now it’s just what

you need. The American

Medical Association found

it can lower the alcohol

concentration in your blood

by 43 per cent. This will

drastically cut your hangover

symptoms and start the

sobering-up process. Even

if you’re stumbling, all you

have to do is splash the Coke

on the chicken with the other

ingredients and cover the

dish with foil. You can handle

that, right?

ENTER SANDMANBake for 35 minutes – do

not fall asleep – then bring

the dish out of the oven.

The skin will be crispy and

better than anything you

were going to pick up from

the bacteria trap otherwise

known as your local kebab

joint. Fresh meat is a great

source of tryptophan,

which University of

Maastricht researchers

found aids sleep, ensuring

you wake up alert. Drunk

logic that works.

T H E WOBBL E Booze is affecting your occipital lobe. Hand-eye

co-ordination and vision are deteriorating, but a hangover isn’t inevitable. A high-protein

meal will take the sting out of tomorrow.

y a h o o7. c o m . a u / m e n s h e a l t h100

STAGE 05( NAU S EOU S)

GO WITH YOUR GUT

Stomach a peaceful night’s sleep with the only kebab that quells

nausea and settles your constitution

LAMB KEBABS1 pack minced lambAny spice (cumin, paprika, chilli powder, oregano, tarragon)1 tbsp mint sauce1 small tub yoghurt¼ lettuce1 pita breadBy Nicky Foley of Rotunda

ON THE LAMBYou wanted a kebab, so here

it is. If you’re worried about

keeping your drinks down, take

heart: this comes without the

side of guilt and 2am nausea.

Lamb is the best meat to quell

queasiness (although that

doesn’t go for the elephant

leg in the takeaway shop). The

protein means it’s digested

slowly, while research from

Iowa University found that

the meat’s B vitamins prevent

nausea. Lamb also comes with

amino acids that help fight

acetaldehyde, the chemical

that’s causing all your trouble.

SET TLE DOWNAdd the spices to the mince and

shape it into sausages, then grill

for five minutes on either side.

Tear up the lettuce with your

hands (probably best to steer

clear of knives at this point)

and mix the mint through the

yoghurt. This is your porcelain

protection: mint sauce calms

stomach acid, according to the

University of Maryland, reducing

the risk of a midnight dash. Stuff

the lettuce in the pita bread,

layer the lamb and douse in

minty yoghurt. Intoxicated eating

doesn’t have to be a retch.

T H E NAUS E A By now acid reflux is

making you feel ill. Worse, a toxin called acetaldehyde

builds up as you process your eighth beer. This increases the risk of vomiting. The

fix: down this kebab.

STAGE 0 6(A N N I H I L AT E D)

EAT UPAND

PASS OUTFor a man teetering on

the edge of oblivion, this no-brainer of a

midnight snack pulls you back from

the brink

SALT BEEF SANDWICH2 slices thick bread 1 pack salt beef or pastrami 2 tbsp tartare sauce4 gherkins, slicedBy Mike Denman of Plum & Spilt Milk

TARTARE FORCEThis recipe is reserved for big nights

and seriously compromised motor

skills. You should be able to throw it

together even after committing the

gravest of drinking misdemeanours.

Spread the bread with tartare sauce

– the fat will help your liver work

through the alcohol. Stay with us

– this will be worth it.

GHERKIN, NOT BURPIN’Now add the meat and the gherkins

– that’s it, tuck in. Although it sounds

simple, this is a nutritional slap in the

face. The gherkins will re-animate

you instantly. The journal Medicine

and Science in Sports and Exercise

found they rehydrate you 40 per cent

faster than water (lowering the risk

of a head-splitter in the morning)

while the bread protects against the

acid reflux that would have been

inevitable five minutes ago. You can

thank us in the morning.

WOR L D’S E N D Your reflexes are almost

nonexistent and your senses are dulled. Now is not the time to turn on the stove. Limit tomorrow’s damage by tucking into this while you’re still fully conscious.

CO OK BO OKCO OK BO OK

T H E

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