Duck Stoner! by Kilgore Trosky Trout

8/13/2019 Duck Stoner! by Kilgore Trosky Trout

1/10


2/10

In the backwoods o a swa!"# a !an with a giant beard s"ots one

Newt $ingrich# who is hunting with so!e gun lobbyists%

Setting the scene# Newt looks like El!er &udd as he drudges intight orange 'est and big boy ca!oulage "ants his wie got hi!

ro! Nei!en (arcus% )unting with !en is so!ething "ri!ordial#

but these were not ca'e !en# but !en with !oney% *ig !oney% The

!en ro! head o sales# and his 'ice "resident o "ro!otions o

S!ith + Tesson had large "iles o cash or a lobbyist as they entered

into the swa!"s o ,ouisiana%

-*oy# you guys are great gi'ing !e all that !oney or your

righteous cause% I certainly will u"hold the right to bear ar!s%.

/s they enter the swa!"# Newt is scared# as he nor!ally 'iews

wildlie ro! the co!ortable "lator! o a sae ce!ent "ad in0ront

o a 1oo window% / giant si1e ly lies into Newt2s ace# and he ires

his shotgun wildly% Chuck Norris )eston# the 'ice0"resident o

!arketing# "ees in his "ants while saying: -3esus )% Christ# Newtyou are !ore trigger ha""y than Cheney# now cool it and

stay cal!%.

-Sorry guys# I tri""ed% This re!inds o the ti!es I was ighting the

$ooks in 4ietna!%

The terrain 5ust !ade !e ha'e a lashback% .

*oth the S!ith Tesson !en shake their heads in disgust# as they

already know that Newt ne'er ser'ed a day in his lie in the (ilitary

and carries his wea"on like it was ucking rench "oodle%


3/10

Ironically# Newt would be acing an ene!y who had the Christian

$od on his side and whose con'ictions were as strong as the

4ietcong that he had a'oided !eeting in co!bat%

$od2s !ost holy o Christians6 one 7hil Robertson was taking a

break with his brothers ro! their T4 show and &actory schedule%

They were hunting or s8uirrels# which was their a'orite !idday

snack% /r!ed with shotguns and god they were led like (oses to

!ake right what was wrong with the world%

7hil was drunk on ha""iness and god% -I a! ha""y# ha""y# ha""y%

*oys# did you see how we "issed o those liberals while we still

ke"t our la!e show%

9illie looked on with disgust# as he regard 7hil as the !an whose

big !outh al!ost cost the! easy !oney%

-Shut u"# 7hil and let us 5ust get us so!e s8uirrels%. - (y wie

bitched at !e or two days about losing that T4 !oney%.

Si looks at both relati'es and tries to break the tension with one

his little sayings# -co!e on now# little doggies% Sto" chewing on

your butts like a lea ridden !utt and ha'e so!e un.

-9e are rednecks and rednecks like to ha'e un%

I dont know any redneck that ain2t into un%Thats their !iddle na!e%Red0un0neck%.

Ironically# at this "oint the s8uirrels# or !ere rodents were actually

laughing at both hunting "arties%
http://www.duckdynastyquotes.com/view/Si%20Robertson/274http://www.duckdynastyquotes.com/view/Si%20Robertson/274http://www.duckdynastyquotes.com/view/Si%20Robertson/274http://www.duckdynastyquotes.com/view/Si%20Robertson/274


4/10

I you understood s8uirrel# you would ha'e heard this co!ing

ro! the tree to"s% -3esus# look how loud and stu"id those guys are6

we could hear those )illbillies ro! a !ile away%.

It was eagle eye# 7hil# who saw the other hunting "arty tra!"ing

through the swa!"% 7hil saw the! and sto""ed dead in his tracks# as

the others wondered what was wrong%

Si now chi!ed in with his astute obser'ation o oreigners%

-It sure is getting crowded here# as look at those city slickers

trying to "lay rednecks%.

9illie looked on and notice 7hil staring into s"ace% -)ey 7hil#

!aybe we should ind another hunting s"ot6 those ;ankees !ight

shoot us by !istake%

7hil said nothing# but ke"t staring at the other hunting "arty% -)ey

7hil# what 5ew wanna do


5/10

adulteress must be put to death.

7ro'erbs B:>*ut a !an who co!!its adultery lacks 5udg!ent6

whoe'er does so destroys himself.

(atthew @:I tell you that anyone who di'orces his wie# e=ce"t

or !arital unaithulness# and !arries another wo!an commits

adultery.

(ark @?:@@/nyone who di'orces his wie and !arries another

wo!an commits adultery against her.

(ark @?:@>/nd i she di'orces her husband and !arries another

!an# she commits adultery.,uke @B:@/nyone who di'orces his wie and !arries another

wo!an co!!its adultery# and the !an who !arries a di'orced

wo!an commits adultery.

Do not think that I F3esusG ha'e co!e to abolish the ,aw Hthe Old

Testa!ent or the 7ro"hets6 I ha'e not co!e to abolish the! but to

ulill the!% I tell you the truth# until hea'en and earth disa""ear# not

the s!allest letter# not the least stroke or a "en# will by any !eans

disa""ear ro! the ,aw Hthe Old Testa!ent until e'erything is

acco!"lished% H(atthew J:@0@

Then 3esus said to the crowds and to his disci"les: 2The teachers o

the law and the 7harisees sit in (oses2 seat% So you !ust obey the!and do e'erything they tell you% *ut do not do what they do# or they

do not "ractice what they "reach%2 H(atthew >:@0


6/10

The whole Robertson clan were now staring at 7hil thinking that

he had gone back to "o""ing "ills and s!oking wacky tobakee%

Ne=t thing 7hil dro""ed to his knees%

,ike !an talking in tongue# 7hil started shouting% -7R/ISE 3ESUS#

I NEED ;OUR )E,7%.

-O)# ,ORD INSTRUCT (EL.

-3ESUS# TE,, (E 9)/T TO DO# /S I SEE T)IS SINNER%

;es ,ORD# IT IS T)E &/T /DU,TER N/(ED NE9T%.

Now 7hil begin reciting Newt list o "artial sins# while the

Robertson gang stared in a!a1e!ent%

-;ES ,ORD# IT 9/S IN T)ENew York Times# JMM@@G

Si# looked !ore conused than e'er% -9hat the hell is he talking

about


7/10

"resident o'er inidelity while engaging in it hi!sel with (s% *isek#

who was a Congressional aide%

O#ay $ord, shall % smite the sinner.& % 'ill blast him 'ith

my shotgun.& (ust then a roc# rolled off the surrounding hill and landed at

)hil*s feet.

- IT IS / SI$N# O) T)/NK ;OU ,ORDL.

9hile the Robertson clan looked on# 7hil "icked u" the stone and

lung it directly at Newt% 7hil being e=cellent !arks!an hit his

!ark# a direct hit to $ringrich big at head%

The &at !an went down with a blood dri""ing down his head% )e

was ali'e but only $od knew that 7hil had ailed%

Newt2s cohort2s at irst thought he had 5ust tri""ed o'er his own at

eet until they so Newt got u" !oaning and crying% 7hil saw that he

ailed his test so scra!bled around or another rock%

-7hil# sto" you cra1y bastard%. 9illie shouted

-The ,ord wants !e to ollow his instructions# not get !e so!e

!ore stones%. Now the lobbyistMhunters seeing the rocks co!ing

were "anicky% -3esus# I think we !et the cast o deli'erance%.

-,ET2S $ET OUT O& )EREL.

Chuck Norris )eston screa!ed this to his "artners &rank and Newt%


8/10

Chuck and &rank now looked at Newt and thought this &at

guy would !ost likely ha'e to be let behind or the )illbillies to do

what they will with hi!% Newt was co'ered in !ud# blood# and hewas crying% It was grade0school all o'er again or a "oor

"udgy kid%

-$ET U7 NE9T /ND ST/RT RUNNIN$L.

Newt was breathing hea'y and only e=ercised his ingers and

!outh as a lobbyist% )e was certainly a sad sight%

Newt# tried to raise but his bulk body was stuck in the !ud% Chuck

and &rank then reali1ed that Newt was still a needed connection# as

they needed to bribe congress!en%

-CO(E ON# &R/NK ,ET2S $ET T)IS &/T /SS OUT T)E

(UD%.

*oth !en tried and "ulled# "ulled and "ulled% &inally# they got

Newt on his eet%

7hil now was screa!ing !ore stones# -I C/N2T &/I, T)E,ORD%.

Now the rest o the Robertson2s were trying to hide stones ro!

their !anically leader# 7hil%

7hil only had little stones# and he saw as Newt and the gang

were running away%

7hil wanted to started to chase the!# but now all the Robertson

tackled 7hil to sto" hi! ro! ulilling his religious duties%/s the )illbillies struggled with each other# they were biting and

"unching each other with abandon% This was the !o!ent that the

,obbyists needed to get out o the way o the wrath o $od%


9/10

The terrain was rough and Newt was alling and tu!bling down the

trail% &rank knew they had to get to their car% ,ucky or the! the car

was "arked on the side o the entrance to the trail%

Newt was running or his lie6 this is the closest he would get to

ighting in 4ietna!% The lobbyists inally !ade it to the trailentrance% 9hile they were esca"ing the Robertson2s clan was still

rolling and tu!bling with each other% The s8uirrels were

laughing that it was they who turned out to be the winners% Nobody

could shoot $od2s little creatures% /ll see!ed better in their world%

/s Newt and his "artners got into the car# they gunned the engine

and s"ed away% The Robertson2s inally ga'e u" their ritual o

)illbilly wrestling% 7hil looked around and saw that Newt esca"ed%

)e ailed $od and not stoned Newt to death%

7hil sat on a big rock and cried like (oses when he reali1ed he was

getting to the "ro!ised land% 9illie the !ost sanest o the Robertson

was "leased that 7hil2s religious orders were not co!"leted% )is

!ind knew that killing a white ellow hunter would not be looked at

a'orably e'en by &o= News%Can you i!agine the bad "ress o killing so!e at white guy with a

rock

Documents

Duck Stoner! by Kilgore Trosky Trout