e Book Motivating Ver 3

8/10/2019 e Book Motivating Ver 3

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M O T I V AT I N G Y O U R

I N T E L L I G E N T B U T

U N M O T I VAT E D T E E N A G E R

M O T I VAT I N G Y OUR

I N T E L L I G E N T B U T

U N M O T I VAT E D T E E N A G E R

By Dennis Bumgarner,

ACSW, LCSW

www.be havi or -c oa ch .c om

www. kids ra is ed right. co m
http://www.kidsraisedright.com/http://www.kidsraisedright.com/http://www.kidsraisedright.com/http://www.behavior-coach.com/http://www.behavior-coach.com/http://www.kidsraisedright.com/


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Like most of us human beings, when what we do isnt

wor king, our tendency is to do mor e of it, or do it

with mor e inten sity, or do it lou der. You think, Ifthe one-millionth time hes heard this hasnt worked,

maybe the one-million-and-first time will do the

trick. You believe that your persistence will result

in your teenager finally getting it through his head

that he must do better in school. Even when it

doesnt.

There are, virtually without exception, two directions

paren ts tak e when trying to motivate a recalci trant

adolescent:

! the application of external consequences

(incentives and punishments)

!wo rd s, wo rd s, an d mo re wo rd s, de li ve re d wi th

increasing emotion

You have proba bly utilized one or a combination of

these effort s. When one punis hment hasn t worked,

you ve tried another and perhaps another , hopingthat youll find just the right punishment delivered

with just the right amount of adversity that the

motivati onal light will go on. And youve talked,

Lord knows youve talked: lectur ed, sermoni zed,

prodded , cajol ed, exh ort ed, plead ed, exp lained,

threatened, scolded, reprimanded, badgered, painted

pictures of dire futures , spoke of fl ipping burgers all

to no avail.

I have come to believe that parents punish and

lecture in this fashion because they dont know what

else to do. They dont actually expect that it will

wor k (al though they hope it might), but they cant

abide the notion of doing nothing in the face of their

teenagers failures.

MOTIVATING YOUR INTELLIGENT BUT UNMOTIVATED TEENAGER

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When you r efforts are nt wor king (an d yours arent,

or you wouldnt be reading this) whats called for is a

change in course. That is what this book provid es.Grounded in both research and common sense

regarding motivation, we will explore:

!wh y yo ur ef fo rt s ar en t wo rk in g

!wh y te en ag er s ar en t mo ti va te d by re wa rd s,

pu ni sh me nt s, or pl ea s to lo gi c.

!wh y te en ag er s de ci de to ch an ge

!wh at yo u ca n do to en co ur ag e th is ch an ge

!wh at yo u ne ed no lo ng er do be ca us e it wo n t

wo rk

!how to never argue with your te enager about

school (or for that matter, anything) again.

Lets get started.

MOTIVATING YOUR INTELLIGENT BUT UNMOTIVATED TEENAGER

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T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S

Six Fundamental Facts

1Motivation and Change

14

Key Concepts of Motivation

27

The Doing of Motivation: Empathy 31

The Doing of Motivation: Goals

35The Doing of Motivation: Exploring Discrepancy

42

The Doing of Motivation: Disarming Resistance

49

Wh en All Else Fails . . .

57 www.behavior-coach.com

MOTIVATING YOUR INTELLIGENT BUT UNMOTIVATED TEENAGE R
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!Chapter One"

Six FundamentalFacts

Mo st pa re nt s mi su nd er st an d mo ti va ti on . They

know (or think they know) what motivates them and

bel ieve, in a one -si ze-fi ts- all fashion, that it will work

for their teenagers, and are puzzled when it does not.

They have a strong but unfounded faith in the power

of incentives and/or punishments to motivate their

adolesce nts. They place much emphasi s on logical

thinking, believing that an appeal to common sense

and reason will help their children see the light.

And they bel iev e it is essen tial to be positive and

encouraging.

While all of this con ven tiona l wisdom mak es sense, it

actually flies in the face of what we know about

motivati on. Lets look at six funda mental notion s

about this concept:

1 . Mot ivat ion is n ot a mat t e r of

r a h - r a h .

When you want to mot ivate peo ple, you r ten dency is

to get behind them with a lot of enthus iasm. You

may give them a pep talk, or try to rouse them with

I-know-you-can-do-it or Get-in-there-and-make-

it-hap pen sort of cheerle ading. You might decide to

compliment them, list their skills and positive

attribu tes, or tell them how smart they are. Perhap s

you tell them what you hope will be inspirational

stories, or relate a personal anecdote describing how

you preva iled in a similar circums tance.

1


MOTIVATING YOUR INTELLIGENT BUT UNMOTIVATED TEENA GER
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These efforts rarely work. Have you ever listened to

a motivational speaker? Were you inspired? How

long did that inspiration last? Did that inspiration

turn into goal-ori ented behavio r? And did those

beh avi or changes last? If you are like mos t peopl e in

this regard, your motivation was likely short-lived.

Why? There are sev eral reaso ns, some of which will

be discussed later in this boo k. For our presentpurposes, it is usefu l to know this: the rea ction to

this kind of over-enthusiastic cheerleading,

especially for people who are demoralized or

disheartened, is actually demotivating. It produc es

the opposite result of that which you intend. Because

the person you are trying to motivate with these

efforts doesnt believe the positive things being said

about him, it is not only not motivating, it makes him

feel guil ty. He feels unworthy of your praiseful

wor ds. Therefo re your well-in tention ed effor ts have

a doubly negative effect: the person is now less

motivated than before with the added bonus of guilt.

Congratulations.

An additional unwel come eff ect of this enthusiasm is

that you have now lost all credibility with this person

you are trying to pump up. Since his bel ief abo ut

himse lf is that he is muc h less cap able than you think,he views you as someon e who doe snt understand him

or his circums tance. And if you dont understand

him, why should he listen to you?

A fundame ntal error mad e by paren ts using this

approach is that they are not listeni ng to their

children. If you are not listening, you cant

conceivably understand. When you dont

understand, your fulminating praise comes across not

as positive but patroni zing. And if you have ever

MOTIVATING YOUR INTELLIGENT BUT UNMOTIVATED TEENAGER 2

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bee n patroni zed , you know that is doesnt feel good.

The motivating relationship has been crippled before

it has ever gotten off the ground.

Now, to say that you shoul d not engage in ove r-t he-

top enthusiasm is not an invitation to be negative or

pes simistic. Poi nting out negat ive imp lications of

you r tee nager s beh avi or is als o not mot ivating

(especially because they are already well-aware ofthese implication s). But there are options other than

bei ng all sweet nes s-and-light on the one hand and the

bearer of ugly tidings on the other . This will be mad e

clear as we continue.

2 . C arrot s an d st icks are rare ly

m o t i v a t i o n a l .

Our culture has long had an abiding faith in the

ability of externally-applied consequences to alter

beh avior . We bel ieve that if the con sequences are

sufficiently unpleasant, people will change their

beh avior to avoid that discomf ort . We hol d this bel ief

even though there is little evidence to support it.

Now , there are cer tainly peo ple in this world who will

act to avoid pain, this writer included. I am not

saying that no one responds to external

consequences. Punishment, when effective, issimple, straight-forward, and easy. But in your case,

you r adole scent is not one of those peo ple or you

wou ld not current ly be engag ed in rea ding this book.

Our collective faith in the power of consequences

reflects the one-size-fits-all approach to motivation

that characteri zes so many of our efforts. Lets look

at a few examples:


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The recidivism rate in this countrythat is, the

rate at which criminals return to jail after release

from incarcerationhas hovered around 70% for

decad es. Now, I unders tand that time in jail is an

unpleasant experience. Despite that fact, seven of

ten people released from jail behave in such a way

as to return, the unpleasantness notwithstanding.

T h e U n i t e d S t a t e s , t h r o u g h n u m e r o u s

administrations both Republican and Democratic,

have maintained economic sanctions against the

country of Cuba for almost fifty years in an effort

to change the behav ior of that government . The

be hav io r re ma in s unc ha ng ed .

In a well-known experiment that you may have

read about in school, frogs were placed in a beaker

of warm water from which they could easily escape.

The temperature of the water was gradually

increased until the frogs boiled to death even

though they could, with little effort, avoid that

unpleasant outcome.

While these exa mples describe the efforts of

criminals, governments, and frogs, they also apply to

teenager s. Change does not occur only for the

purpose of avoid ing pain or ach ieving a rewardit is a

more complex process than that. There are

complicated considerations that do not simply

respond to outside influences. And that is especially

true of durable motivation, the type that endures.

The effectiveness of these external influences is

especially diluted when the teenager is demoralized,

dishea rtened, or depres sed. It is not uncommon for

unmotivated adolescents to feel overwhelmed or

anxious regarding their school work but mask these

emotions behind a faade of ennui or disinterest.


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When dem ora lized , tee ns ten d to fol d up in place

rather than move to avoid the discomfort, which is

why such efforts ten d to be ineffec tive.

As a tee nager I saw the fi lm Co ol Hand Luke.

Luke, played by Paul Newman, was a prisoner on a

chain gang. He escaped , was caught, and placed in

handcuffs. He escap ed aga in, was again caugh t, and

leg irons were added. He escaped a third time andwas bru tal ized by camp gua rds. The warden,

addressing the assembled convicts, explained that

this treatment would continue until Luke got his

mind right. Luke never did get his mind right, and

was event ually killed by those trying to change his

beh avi or.

I often think of this movie when Im working with

paren ts who use punishmen t ineffectually to motivate

their teenager s. Their approac h, while not as

extreme, follows the same concept: Were going to

keep doing this until you grades improve, even in the

face of evidence that it is totally ineffective.

We ll discuss this con cep t in gre ater len gth when we

examine why teenagers decide to change their

beh avior . Unt il then, ref lec t on a notion of which

you, through expe rience, are all- too-aware:

punishmen t is unlikel y to get the motivational jobdone.

3 . O u r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e

r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n m o t i v a t i o n a n d

p e r f o r m a n c e i s b a c k w a r d s .

You , like mos t of us, have mad e some var iation of the

followi ng statemen t: When I get motivated , Im

goi ng to ___ ___ ___ ___ __ (e.g., los e ten pou nds,

clean the basement, read War and Peace). This


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statement contains within it a fundamental flaw in

thinking that marks many approaches to motivation:

that one must become motivated in order to perform.

When we think this way, we have unnec essar ily ove r-

complicated the change process by taking a one-step

proce sspe rforman ce and turning it into a proce ss

that requires two stepsmotivation fol lowed by

per forma nce. And in doing so, we have surrenderedto the delusion that we kno w how to motivate

ourselves, that somehow, sitting in the easy chair, we

engage in some manner of psychic effort that results

in us getting up and, say, cleaning the garage.

Here is how we actually motivate ourselves to clean

the garage: We decide, somehow, to clean the

gar age , we start doi ng so and, in the cle aning of it,

we discover some val ue in the t ask we are performin g.

Or . . . the garage is a mess, we cant find something

we re sea rching for, we begin to cle an to find it, the

corner of the garage starts to look good and the effort

feels satisfying, and we continue. Or . . . we have ten

minutes to kill, we sweep a small area, we like what

we see, and we con tinue sweep ing. Or . . . your

partner mak es you an offer like Wh at do you say we

get up Saturday, clean the gar age , and then go to

lunch? Or. . . you get the picture.

The crucia l notion is this: we dont get motivate d

and then do somethi ng. Instea d, we do something

and then get motivated. Motivat ion does not precede

per for man ce. Rather it is just the oppos ite:

Per for mance prece des mot ivation. It is in the doing

of the act that we discover the motivation.

Thus the key is not to try to get your teenager

motivated (which has previously involved ineffective

consequences and useless verbiage) but to instead do


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som ething diffe rent to try to get him to perform.

You r con cer n is to get the des ired beh avi or started ,

not to change the mind of your teenager (a difficult if

not impossiblebut thankfully unnecessarytask).

And a com mon bon us is this: when beh avior changes ,

minds change.

The following anecdote illustrates two of my favorite

aphori sms: You never know where change maycome from and Its often a matter of toppling that

first domino.

Jason was a 14-year-old eighth-grader who was

doing no homewo rk. Conseq uently , he was fail ing

all of his clas ses. His parents were besid e

themselves with exasperation and anxiety, and the

family interaction was marked by the usual

arguments and punishments with the occasional

screa ming match thrown in for good measure . The

only result of the parents efforts to motivate

Jason was increased acrimony.

In talking with Jason I discovered that he was veryinterested in gambling and games of chance. I

ga ve hi m th e fo ll ow in g as si gn me nt : at th e en d of

each school day, he was to roll a playing die and,

wh at ev er num be r ca me up, he wa s to do th at cl as s

pe ri od s ho me wo rk and th at ho me wo rk on ly . He

seemed intrigued by this task and agreed to do it.

His parents were dismayed by the assignment

be ca us e th ey wi sh ed hi m to do all of his

homework, but my interest was in getting

something started in the direction of the

overall goal.

Wh en th e fa mi ly re tu rne d fo r th ei r su bs eq ue nt

appointment in two weeks, Jason had very

dutif ully done one assignment each night. When I

asked if he might be interested in adding an

additional assignment, he reported that he was

conte nt with compl eting just one. His parent s

we re mi ld ly en co ura ge d but st il l uns at is fi ed af te r


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all, completing only one assignment per night

gu ara nt ee d co nt inu ed fa il ure .

Upon their return two weeks later, he had stilldone one assig nment per night. But when we met

two weeks thereafter, he was doing all of his

homew ork. His parents were pleas ed but

understandably skeptical. The nightly harangues

had stopped, although the parents could not

restrain themselves from prompting him to do

even more. When I asked Jason how he had

accomplished this improvement, he introduced

his explanation with the following statement:

Well, you see, there is this girl . . .

This girl had noticed Jason submitting completed

homework assignm ent s and said to him, I alw ays

thought you were kind of a loser until I saw you

taking your homework seriously. From that point

forward , he couldn t do enough homework. As a

consequence of increased homework completion,

others related to him differently, especially his

paren ts and tea chers , as well as his peers . He beg an

to see, for himself, the value of diligently doing his

hom ewo rk.

Not ice in this exa mpl e that no one set out to mot ivate

Jason . His improve men t was not the result of

punishmen t, reward, or rah-rah. He was neither

coerced nor incent ivized into improvem ent. But hisper for man ce res ulted in a change in his world. This

per for man ce seeme d to be promp ted by a non-

punitive, see min gly random sugge stion that resulted

in his discovery of his own motivation that was

inherently valuable to him.

This is clearly not a solution for all kids in his

circumstance, nor is there any way that I could have

predicted this out com e. But it does il lustrat e the key

maxim that perfo rmanc e pre ced es mot ivation. The


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change came from a source that was totally

unpred ictable. And one small behavior (the rollin g of

dice) led to a cascade of positive events.

So, rather than attempting to change your teenagers

mind, try instead to change his behavior.

4 . Mot ivat ion is n ot an in dividu al

c h a r a c t e r i s t i c .The language that is commonly used when talking

about motivation suggests that motivation is typ ically

viewe d as a per sonal trait of an individual. He is not

motivated or She lacks motivation or He is

highly mot ivate d indicat e the bel ief that mot ivation

lies somewhere within the individual. Increasingly,

research on motivation suggests that this is not the

case.

If, like most parents, you hold this belief, then you

will attem pt to inject your teenager with motivation,

to get it inside of him by any means necessary . These

efforts are typically met with unsatisfying results.

This is what happens when you try to get it into the

hea d of you r teena ger throu gh incessant lectu ring, or

when you use punishmen ts to attempt to trigg er the

motivati onal button inside him. Since motivation is

not a characteristic of an individual, these methods

are virtually guaranteed to fail.

There are clearly exceptions to this rule, but they are

rare. You have probably known individu als who are

temperamentally goal-oriented in a methodical way,

peo ple who can set an obj ect ive and wor k tow ard it in

a dilige nt fashion. But this is not your teenager, or

you wou ld not be rea ding this book.


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This findingthat motivation does not lay within the

individualis enlightening, and has significant

implications for your efforts in helping your

adolesce nt achiev e more success in school. You will

not successfully install motivation in your adolescent.

But you now know that, along with being unlikely, it

is unneces sary. So, if motivation is not an individual

trait, what is it? Read on . . .

5 . Mot ivat ion is a f u n ct ion of

r e l a t i o n s h i p .

This findingthat motivation is a matter of

relationshipis eye-opening. It is also fraught with

meaningful implications regarding your efforts inmotivati ng your teenager. It means that you will no

longer try to get motivation into your child but

instead trying to develop it in the relat ionsh ip

between the two o f you.

It also requires a re-examination of your relationship

with you r teena ger to det ermin e if your relat ionship

is indeed motivational. Truly motivational

relationships are not those in which one of the

members is in a one-upposition, as when an authority

directs the behavior of a subord inate. Relatio nship s

which are mot ivation al are gen uine par tne rships,

where n either member lor ds power ove r the oth er.

Lets use an example. When I consid er this concept ,

I think of the bicycl ist Lance Armstrong. People who

are aware of his accomplishmentswinning seven

Tour de France titles after recovering from testicular

cancer that had metastasized to his brainwould

likely describe him as a highly motivated individual.

They may picture his determined ascents up

mountains and think of the hours spent turning the

cranks of his bicycle in steely isolation.


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When I think of Lance Armst ron g and his motivation ,

I think of all the people in his life with whom I

presu me he enjoy s mot ivating r ela tions hips. He has a

coach, a trainer, a masseuse, a nutritionist, a

dietician, several oncologists, and numerous

teammates who served the purposeintentional or

otherwiseof providing the necessary motivation for

his prodi gious accomplishme nts. He may wel l be

intrinsically motivated, but he has the benefit of

numerous relationships of a motivating nature.

A friend of mine, until relatively recently, had

be en ob es e fo r mo st of he r ad ul t li fe . Sh e is no t

temperamentally or physically inclined toexercise, and the many diets she has used have all

event ually fail ed. Over the past two years after

twenty years of tryingshe has lost sixty pounds.

Wh at fi na ll y wo rk ed wh en ma ny ot he r ef fo rts ha d

failed?

She made a new friend who invited her to join her

and other friends in lap-swimming in the local

po ol . He r li fe st yl e ch an ge d fr om on e th at wa s

sede ntary to one marked by physi cal exercise. She

didnt especially enjoy swimming, but she enjoyed

the camaraderie and socializing that accompanied

the activity. And when tempted to not swim by

fatigue, or poor weather, or other excuses that

often derail solitary ventures, she went to the pool

be ca us e of th e re la ti on sh ip s sh e en jo ye d th er e.

Her friends did not rah-rah her into losing

we ig ht . Th e we ig ht lo ss wa s es se nti al ly a by -

pr od uc t of th e re la ti on sh ip s sh e en jo ye d at th e

po ol . So me ti me sh e sw am to be wi th th em ,

sometimes she swam so as not to disappoint them,

and sometimes she actually came to take a bit of

pl ea su re fr om th e sw im mi ng . But th e ke y fa ct or

that started and maintained the behavior was the

relationship.


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Therefore, the critical questions are not Is my

teenager motivated? or How do I find the right

mot ivational button insidemy chi ld? but rather Do

I have a motivating relat ionsh ip with my adolescent ?

You have tried to est ablish one, but have thus far

failed. No critic ism intend ed; but read on to learn

how to dev elo p the kin d of rel ationship that can hel p

you r tee nager discove r the neces sary mot ivati on.

6 . On e pe rson doe s n ot mot ivat e

a n o t h e r .

A maj or focus of my profess ional wor k is helping

peo ple enh ance their performan ce, wheth er those

peo ple are students who wish to raise their gra des,

small-business owners who want an improved bottom

line, athletes, or anyone desiring to do better in their

chosen endeavor . Over the more-than -thirt y years

that I have been doing this, I have had the pleasure of

watch ing man y people exp erience the sat isfacti on of

enhanced performance. And I have nev er mot ivated

one of these individuals.

When success ful, I bel ieve that what I did was help

them discover their own motivation. I was able to

hel p them tap into what was truly mea ningful to them.

I was instrumental in eliciting their intrinsic

inspiration for change. I helped them clarify whatthey wanted . I assist ed them in assess ing, in a

straightforward, honest, yet respectful fashion,

wheth er what they were doing was act ually in ser vice

of their stated goals or whether they were merely

deluding themselves. But I did not motivate them.

Durable motivation is intrinsic. People connect the

desire to change with something that is internally

importa nt to them. This is why punis hments and

rewards seldom work. It is also why your efforts to


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try to inspire your teen to improve have failed. You

have tried to motivate her rather than helping her get

in touch with her own motivation.

So while the relationship component is crucial in the

motivation process, one person does not motivate

another . Rather , one can, in ways that will be

detailed as you read on, evoke anothers personal

motivati on. I dont motivate you or you me, but it isin the synergy developed within the relationship that

motivation can be found.

S U M M A R Y

Lets review the major lessons of this first chapter.

!Dial back on your enthusiasm, lest you

actually de-motivate your teenager.

! If rewards or punishments arent working,

dont keep expecting that suddenly they one

day will.

! Instead of trying to change what your teenager

thinks, try to start some behavior in the

direction of the desired goal.

And as you rea d on, you will discove r what goe s into a

motivating relationship so that your teenager can

discover the motivation that works for him.


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!Chap ter Two"

Motivation and

Change

There are a number of definitions of motivation.

For our purposes, we will use the following one:

M o t i v a t i o n = C h a n g e - O r i e n t e dM o v e m e n t

This is a definition I favor because it is accurate while

bei ng con cise. It emp hasizes that motivation is a

matter of change and that the change is directed

toward behavior rather than thinking. And as

indicated earlier, when behavior changes, changes in

thinking often follow in their wake.

W h a t m a k e s t e e n a g e r s c h a n g e ?

Since motivation is all about change, it begs the

question: Why do people change? Which

circumstances need to come together so that a

per son , espec ially a tee nage per son, decides to do

somethin g differ ent? What set of condit ions need to

be in place so that an individual decides to aba ndon a

particular cou rse o f act ion and take up another ?

Conventional wisdom would suggest that teenagers

change to avoid discomfort. This does not seem to be

the case. Instea d, it appears that just the opposite is

the case. Bad feelings and unpleasant experiences

tend to immobilize teenagers rather than spur them to

action. This is partic ularly true if the teenager is

discouraged, overwhelmed, or otherwise in a negative

state of mind. Thus, the efforts of parent s who

punish their under-per forming tee nager s oft en


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2 . The t e e n age r is able, wil l ing, and

r ea d y t o c h a n g e .

This seems too obvious to need to be said, but it is

likely central to the frustrations you have been

experiencing.

The ideas in this book assume that your child has the

intellectual and cognitive ability to perform the

wor k. If you r child has a significant learn ing

disability or other cognitive impairment, then it is

simply unfair to expect her to perform beyond her

ability . Likely you have already invest igated the

existence of learning difficulties but, if not, contact

you r childs schoo l to beg in the p roc ess.

The readine ss and willingness components of this

second condition of change come down to this simple

notion: the change that you desire will not be

compelled. You may have been operati ng under the

illusion that you could make your teenager do better

in school. I hope that your experience over the past

months (or years) has led you to abandon this notion .

When you push your adolesc ent to mak e a change he

is unwilling or unprepared to make, he pushes back.

This is to be expected from people of all ages, but

from not-yet-mature teens it is virtually guaranteed.What then ens ues is the parent/child version of

trench warfare during World War Ilots of noise,

explosions, and damage, while the front lines remain

unmoved.

You mig ht be willing to toler ate this uproar if it

produced the change you were see kin g, but the irony

is that it usually results in no change (at best) or the

opposit e of what you intended. It is the worst of both

wor ldsarguments, yelling, rec riminations , and


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hea ted unpleas antness combined with even worse

academic performance.

The lesson to be taken from this research finding is

that change in another will not be forced, no matter

how impor tan t it is, how much you wish that it wou ld,

or how much sense it makes. So recognize that this is

likely what you have been doing and stop it. Read on

to discover what to do differently.

3 . The t e e n age r is in an e n viron me n t

that is marked by s a f e t y, a c c e pt a nc e,

a n d em pow er m ent .

In Chapter One I presented the notion thatmotivati on is a functi on of relation ship. When

reading this third condition for change, substitute

the word relat ionship for the word environment.

Since the primary component of your teens

environment is her relationship with you, the

questi on for you is this: Is my relation ship with my

child one that is safe, accepting, and empowering?

What, you may be thinkin g, mak es a relat ionship

safe, accepting, and empowering? Probably the

single most important component of such a

relationship is that your child can express any

thought or emotion to you and you will accept itwithout eva luation or criticism. And this is an

enormous challenge for most parents of teens.

First of all, for these thoughts or emotions to be

accepted by the parent they must be expressed in civil

terms. Accepta nce does not mean that you will

tolerate any behavior of your child; it simply means

that you will not automatically and immediately

challenge their thoughts. You are happy to discu ss


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matters with your adolescent, but you have no

obligation to tolerate verbal abuse.

What you desire is com mun ication bet ween you and

you r teena ger . Contesting, disputing, debat ing, and

criticizing their point of view kills this

communication before it has a chance to flourish. An

open, non-judgmental conversation about the issues

is a first (and sometimes only necessary) step in themotivati onal process . This is soooooo difficult for

paren ts, because you want to teach , to instruct, and

to guide. But if your child is not open to your

teaching, instruction, or guidance, they will not hear

you. What might create this opennes s is their

experience of you both listening to them and

accepting what they have to say.

One of the rarest of human experiences is to be truly

listene d to by another person. As rare as this is for

peo ple at large, it is that much mor e rare for tee nage

peo ple. And few adole scent s have exp eri enced this

with adults, who are oh so quick to tell kids what they

need to do, thereby inadvertently killing the very

motivation they are trying to promote.

Second, a fundamental paradox of human relations is

contained in the following saying: acceptance

fac il itates chang e. If you want someone to change,begin by accep ting them preci sel y as they are. It is

this acceptance that frees people to be able to

change. Conversely, if you wish someone to continue

doing what they are doing, criticize their every effort

and condemn their conduct. This is a sure-fire way to

gua rantee, esp eci all y with an adolesc ent , that their

current behavior will continue.

This adage states acceptancefac il itateschange, not

acceptance guarantees change. Accepta nce is not


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the answer or solution in and of itself; rather, it is the

necessary underlying component of all the efforts you

will be mak ing to motivate you r child for academi c

success.

A diff iculty some paren ts have with this con cep t is

that they believe that acceptance equates with

agreement. Accepta nce does not mean that you agree

with you r tee nager or that you con done his beh avior .It simply means that you are withholding judgment

and forgoing criticism in the interest of establishing

true communic ation. Useful critic ism is indica ted

when the time is right we ll talk abo ut when that is

later in this book.

I n d e c i s i v e n e s s

A hallmar k of the change proce ss is ambivalence.

Ambivalence is the coexi stence of opp osi ng attitudes

or feelin gs. Ambival ence is a matter of uncert ainty,

hes itancy, and if finess.

Since all change has both positive and negative

implications, it is very normal for people to both

want to change and not want to change at the same

time. What seems to you to be an unequ ivocall y

sound course of action is cause for massive mixed

feelings for your teenager.

For example, while enhanced academic performance

seems to be an unalloyed positive development

(improved grades, more privileges, better

relationship with parents), this improvement comes

at a cost (more time spent studying boring material,

less time for fun). The teen may determine that the

cost outweighs the potential benefit.


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Therefore, it is useful for you to know that kids both

want and dont want to do better in school, at the

same time. And they are probably unaware that they

are ambival ent about this. Until the indeci sivene ss is

resolved, your child will probably not show much

improvement, because they remain undecided about

the value of that change.

Sometimes the only requirement for improvement isresolution of the indecisiveness. When this occurs,

it is a gorgeous process to witnes s. Through non-

judgm ent al convers ation with a paren t, the tee nager

reflects upon his situation, his goals, and his current

sense of satisf action. As a consequ ence, one of the

more motivational things you can do as a parent is to

hel p your child res olve her ambivalence.

T h e S t a g e s o f C h a n g e

Change is not a binary process . It is not that your

child is eitherforor againstchange, or opposed to or

in favor of change, or that he desires change or

doesnt want change. It is not an on/off or either/or

proposi tion. It is more complicated than that. There

is interplay among numerous competing thoughts,

attitudes, preferences, values, and desires, some

stronger than others at any particular moment. Your

role in the motivational relationship is to explore

these concerns with your adolescent.

But if instead of exploring you have been trying to

for ce a specific resolution, you are likely reinforcingthe unwant ed behavior . It is human nature for a

per son to come dow n on the oth er side of the

argument someone is making to implore us to

change. And this is more so the case when a teenager


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feels that his parent is trying to compel a particular

course of action.

So, instead of trying to force your solution, help your

child address and resolve their ambivalence about

academic performance. The former is not

motivational while the latter has the potential to be.

The change that you desire in your teenager unfolds

in phases. The change does not go from off to on ,

but rather evolves ove r time. In his research on the

change process, James Prochaska has identified the

following five stages of the change:

1. Pre-Contemplation

2. Contemplation

3. Preparation

4. Action

5. Maintenance

Lets examine each stage individually.

1 . P r e - C o n t e m p l a t i o n .

During this stage, your teenager is giving no

consideration to change. The idea of changing has

not entered his consci ousness . He curren tly sees no

advantage of change nor does he see a downside to

his current situation.

Trying to force change with a pre-contemplating

teenager is futile at best and counter-productive at

wor st. They will cou nter your argum ent s with

opposing arguments of their own, offering Yes,

but . . . res ponses. I find the mos t usefu l thing to do

with these kids is ask them questions of the What

If? variety.

What would be different if your grades improved?

What wouldnt be different?


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What will happen if things continue in their current

direction?

How would improved grades change our

relationship?

How do you expect things will be around home if

you don t improve ?

What will be different if you do improve?

What would your friends think?

How would your girl/boy friend respond?

Do you think your state of mind would change?

How?

These questions are designed to move your teen from

his current pre-c ontemplation status to that of

contempl ation. Your role is to prompt his curiosi ty.

It is not your role to take a particular position on the

questio ns or his answers . Ask the questio ns while

avoiding commentary on the responses. This is hard

but , in you r rel ation ship with your tee nager ,

differ ent. But difference is what is called for because

what you have bee n doing has not w orked .

2 . C o n t e m p l a t i o n .

In this stage, your adolescent is beginning to

consider the implications of change, both positive

and negative. She is starting to think, Maybe my

current situation isnt so great. Perhaps I could think

about doing somethin g differ ent. When you hear

you r child think this way, you are enc ouraged . Don t

allow your encouragement to steer you into the

looming trap awaiting you.

You r ten den cy at this point wou ld be to jump in with

bot h fee t with a good bit of rah-rah. You mig ht

wish to commen d her for the maturity of her

thinki ng. You might express your relief that she has

finally come to her senses and decided to do the


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right thing (as defined by you, of course). You may

start planning with her the steps she could take to

assure her success.

Resist these impulses. At this point, your teenager is

merely considering change; she has not decided that

she will undertake any. Coming on with a lot of rah-

rah will likely push your child to the other side of

the ambival ence scalei ts just human nature . Sohow instead should you respond to this

contemplation?

Avo id the urge to mak e a bunch of encou raging

statements, commend her for her new-found wisdom,

or talk about next steps. Instead , ask her a questionfor which she is totally unpre pared. Throw her off

bal ance while supporting her con templ ation by

saying:

Gee, I dont know. What do you think about that?

This question has two criti cal componen ts. One is

the notion that you, the parent, are not the expert (I

dont know). You are not now going to dictate

preci sel y what she needs to do now that she has

finall y begun to see the light. You are not going

to lay out a course of action for her to follow or a

study plan to adopt. You, at this point, simply dontknow.

The second crucial component of this response is

that you want to know what she thinks. You are

interes ted in her view of the situation. You have a

gen uine curiosi ty regar ding her perspec tive on theissue at hand. And youre going to shut up, listen,

and resist the urge to offer your opinions.


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Contained within this response lie the seeds of true

motivati on. You are not dictating to her but instead

eliciting her intrinsic inspiration for change. This is

the inside-out phenomenon that is at the core of

gen uine mot ivation . And you are responding as

someone does as one-half of a motivating

relationship.

So encourage rather than shut down contemplationby ask ing questions instead of mak ing state men ts.

Avo id exu ber ant cheer leadi ng. Offer no plans or

advice. And listen.

3 . P r e p a r a t i o n .

At this stage your child, with you r assistance, has

wor ked out most of her ambivalence. She has

decidedat least for nowthat she will make the

necessary changes, or at least begin some of them.

She might have looked into after-school tutoring, or

talked with a possible study buddy, or purchased an

organizational folder. Preparation has begun.

As with the Con templation stage , you mus t avoid

suggestions, direction, or guidance (unless requested

by you r childmor e on that later ). Con tinue drawing

her out reg arding her thought s on her academi cs.

Inqui re, but not too much. Show interes t andcuriosity, but stop short of interrogation. Let her

continue with her preparations without comment or

criticism.

B e w a r e ! Know this: the Contempl ation and

Preparation stages are the most important phases in

the change process. This is also where you are most

likely to derail the change that your teen is

considering, by falling back on all of the old habits

that hadnt worked before. It is exceedingly common


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for teens to move back and forth between the

Contemplation and the Preparation stage. When this

happensa nd it inevitabl y willvi ew it as a nor mal

part of the change proce ss. Do not thinka nd

certainly dont saythat it is evidence that she has

lost her motivation or is no longer serious about

change.

When peopl e change, they don t mov e on a straigh tline from their current status to their new behavior.

It rarely occurs immediately, primarily because of

ambivalence and the time required to resolve that

ambivalen ce. It is not a Ready . . . Aim . . . Fire!

propo sition. It is mor e like a Read y, Im not sure

Im ready, okay I think Im ready, let me get a little

more ready, okay, aim, aim a little lower, oh, now a

little higher, now to the right, Im not sure Im on

target, I think Ill go back and get ready a little

more . . . process.

Let your adolescent prepare without commentary,

evaluat ion, or judgment on your part. Your

involvement at this point will likely only serve to de-

motivate her, especially if your previous efforts have

produced estrangement b etw een the two o f you .

4 . A c t i o n .

This stage is marked by actual change in behavior.

You r child is now studying, or starting homework, or

actually completing homework, or calling friends for

assist ance, or meeting with teachers for help. She

may (again, normally) frighten you by reverting to

one of the previous stages, but for the most part she

is moving forward.

This is a remarkably gratifying stage for parents.

There will be an urge to engage in rah-rah.

Restrain it. This kind of cheerleading is really about


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you and your pleasure, when the discussion needs to

be about her. Its about how pleased you are with

her, rather than how pleased she may be withherself .

You r role is to inquire as to what this succe ss has

bee n like for herthat s all you need to do. And

thats a lot.

She will make efforts that are inefficient or

misguid ed. You will want to move in and offerhel pful sugge sti ons . But while logical and sen sible ,

they wont work because they are coming from you.

Recogniz e this and avoid this impuls e. It is puttin g

you r stamp on the efforts which are hers. Al low them

to be hers, as illogical as they may be to you.

5 . M a i n t e n a n c e .

When the change has bee n mai ntained for six

months, your teenager is in the Maintenance stage.

You , on the oth er hand, are in Nirvana. Six mon ths

of no arguments about school, no ugly scenes, no

raised voices, and only the normal disagreements.

Congratulations, you have obviously done well in

you r eff ort s to mot ivate y our child.

S U M M A R Y

Kids tend to be ambivalent about change and

indecisivein its implementation.

Change is a fluid, ongoing proce ssrather than an on/

off proposition.

Change is more likely to be seen when kids:

!Are able, willing, andre adyto change

!Connect the change with something of valuet o

them

!Are in a relationship with someone who is

saf e, accepting, and empowering




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!Chapter Three"

Key Concepts of

Motivation

Wh en it co me s to mo ti va ti on , there are no tactics,

gimmicks , strategie s, or too ls. Becau se, as you

learned in Chapter One, motivation is a function of

relationship, the key concepts are those of

gen uinenes s and sincerity. It is a mat ter of bei ng

with you r tee nager in an authent ic way. You will not

deceive, manipulate, or psychologize your child into

differ ent behavior. Your teenager will not be tricked

into improved performance.

There are, however, approaches you can take that

increase the likelihood of success, just as there are

approaches that you have taken that have contributed

to failure and frustration. These approaches are as

much as matter of mindset as they are conduct,

attitu de as much as perform ance. Lets take a look at

three of these concepts, pair them with their

opposites, and then discuss how to act them out in

relationship with your adolescent.

1 . C o o p e r a t i o n i n s t e a d o f C o n f l i c t .

A motivating relations hip is a col labor ative one, with

paren t and teen worki ng as partner s tow ard a

common goal. It is not an adversa rial relationshi p. If

you are punishing, gro unding, yel ling at, or

criticizing your child, then by definition the

relatio nship is not a cooperat ive one. Rather, itinvolves you acting as the authority in a one-up

relationship with your teen.




33/66

There are times when authority is clearly called for

from a parent . Some occasion s requir e you to

confront your teenager and define and enforce

expectat ions and limits. As essential as this may be at

times, it is not motivat ional. It is plain old-fashi oned

authori ty, and it has its place. When it works, it is

simple, straightforward, and efficient. But dont

confuse it with motivation.

The inherent message in conflict is Im right and

you re wrong. One member of the rel ationship

attempts to convince the other of the superiority of

their point of view and the misguided position of

their adversary. In a truly motivating relationship

there is no room for persua sion. One does not

attempt to convin ce the other of anythi ng. This

mentality on your part has been the major contributor

to the arguments that have marked your relationship

with you r tee n around the issue of sch ool

per for man ce. This confrontati on is evi den ce of the

lack of collaboration that is the essence of

motivation.

2 . E l i c i t a t i o n i n s t e a d o f D i c t a t i o n .

I like to describe motivation as an inside-out process

in contrast to one that is outside-in. By this I mean

that your role is to elicit your teens own motivation

fro m him, not impose it upon him or inject it into

him. It is not a mat ter of educati ng him abo ut his

shortcomings or dictating the wisest course of action

for him to take.

Over the years of listening to people in both my

profess ional and persona l life, Ive obs erved that

many people know what everyone else needs to do to

resolve their problems and improve their lives. We

are full of advice for others: Well, all she needs to




34/66

do in this situa tion is _________ ______. Our

culture is filled with highly-publicized advice-givers

who d ispen se their wisdom while audiences listen and

nod in agreement . What is not seen is whether the

recipients actually act on or benefit from this advice.

I suspect they dont.

If simple advice-giving worked, no one would have

any problems because there is no shortage of advice

in the world. Merely dictating what your teenager

needs to do is almost guaranteed to be ineffective if

not totally counter-productive. You know that

because you ve alr eady tried it numer ous times and

seen it fail.

One reason that dictating fails is that it overlooks the

individual and personal considerations of the specific

per son to whom one is dicta ting. Dic tating is a one -

size-fits-all formula that cannot take into account

you r tee ns issues that, if youve bee n dicta ting

instead of listening, are unknow n to you. In contrast,

elicitation demands that you know those issues and

cannot be done without an increased understanding

of what is going on with your teenager.

My father, a member of the Greatest Generation and a

man who valued practicality above all, couldnt

bel iev e I could mak e a living helping people find

solutio ns to lifes problems. You tell them what

theyre doing wrong, you tell them what to do

instead , and they do ithow hard can that be? Why

wou ld anyone eve r mee t with you mor e than once?

But the art of this work is injoiningpeople in the sort

of relationship that evokes from them what they want

and what theyare willing to do to get it.

A critical shift in your thinking about your tee nager

is to move from the question What is he is motivated




35/66

by? to What is he mot ivated for? If you wish to

discover what he is motivated by, you will remain in

the trap of looking for externa l inspi ration. But if

you use you r relations hip to try to evoke from him

what he is mot ivate d for, your entire orientation

toward him and motivation will change.

3 . S e l f - d i r e c t i o n i n s t e a d o f O t h e r -

d i r e c t i o n .

Remember our discussion regarding why people

change? One of the necessar y condit ions for this

change is that one makes a connection between the

change and somethi ng of intri nsic value. Therefo re

the goal for you is to help your teenager developintrin sic motivati on. It is not that you coerce a

parti cular cou rse of action, or that you all ow or

per mit cer tain beh avior.

Rather, you acknowledge that change is up to your

childwhat could be clearer at this point?and you

can facilitate that change by tapping into your childs

goals, bel iefs, and values. You will support all of the

change that comes from your child, who ultimately is

the only author of that change.

S U M M A R Y

To have a motivating relationship with y our teenager,

you nee d to mak e s ure t hat you:

!Are a cooperativepartner rather than an

authoritative adversary

!Evokeyour childs own motivation rather than

pr od th em wi th yo ur s

!Have the change be directed by yo ur chil d

rather than you




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!Chapter Four"

The Doing of

Motivation:

Empathy

Thus far our discussion has revolved around the

conceptu al view of motivati on. From this pointforward we will focus on practical steps you can take

to give life to those conceptual notions. To suppor t

cooperation, elicitation, and self-direction (thereby

avoiding conflict, dictation, and other-direction),

below you will find four fundame ntal approac hes:

E m p a t h i z e .

Recall the mantra from Chapter Two: accepta nce

facili tates change. To accept where your adolesc ent

is, you must know where she is, and you cant know

that withou t empathi zing. There are two types of

empathy : affect ive and cogniti ve. One is helpfu l, the

other is not.

Affecti ve emp athy is all aboutfee lings. A synonym for

affective empathy is sympa thy. Sympathys message

is Oh, your poor dear, that must be awful, how can

you pos sibly stand that, I fee l so bad for you.Research indicates that this type of empathy is not

hel pful in assisti ng people tow ard change. Its mor e

likely result is to hinder it.

Cognitive empathy, on the other hand, is aboutfacts.

When you are cognitivel y emp

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