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Educational Approaches to Educational Approaches to Self-Control:Self-Control:
Jewish and Psychological Jewish and Psychological Approaches Towards Approaches Towards Managing SexualityManaging Sexuality
Benefits of Self-ControlBenefits of Self-Control
Mischel, Journal of Personality & Social Psych. 1988, 687-696
A Worthy Goal: Importance of Self-A Worthy Goal: Importance of Self-control for Success in Lifecontrol for Success in Life
Preschool children offered Preschool children offered choice between an choice between an immediate small reward immediate small reward and a larger delayed and a larger delayed rewardreward
Those able to wait Those able to wait became adolescents and young adults whose parents rated them as more academically and socially competent, verbally fluent, rational, attentive, planful, and able to deal well with stress
High Self-Control Linked to:High Self-Control Linked to:
Better overall personal adjustment, Better overall personal adjustment, less psychopathologyless psychopathology
Ability to get along with others betterAbility to get along with others better Better family cohesionBetter family cohesion More trustworthy and consistent More trustworthy and consistent
leadershipleadership
Benefits of ControlBenefits of Control
קהלת פרק ג פסוק הקהלת פרק ג פסוק ה עת עת עת להשליך אבנים ועת כנוס אבנים עת להשליך אבנים ועת כנוס אבנים
: :לחבוק ועת לרחק מחבקלחבוק ועת לרחק מחבק Every month can be difficult to “Every month can be difficult to “ לרחק לרחק
so man must learn even so man must learn even “ “מחבקמחבקbefore he gets married how to before he gets married how to create non physical intimacycreate non physical intimacy
Rav Tzvi Yehudah Hacohen Kook:Rav Tzvi Yehudah Hacohen Kook: אהבה אחוה שלום וריעותאהבה אחוה שלום וריעות There is a time with a focus on the There is a time with a focus on the
physical and a time to focus on the physical and a time to focus on the companionship aspect of the companionship aspect of the relationshiprelationship
Impediments to Self-Impediments to Self-ControlControl
Secrecy Breeds Shame and Secrecy Breeds Shame and PowerlessnessPowerlessness
Secrecy breed shame, shame breeds Secrecy breed shame, shame breeds powerlessnesspowerlessness
Guilt that is characterized by Guilt that is characterized by pathological levels of self-blame is pathological levels of self-blame is likely to paralyze- guilt that focuses likely to paralyze- guilt that focuses on behavioral self blame is likely to on behavioral self blame is likely to energizeenergize
Perspective: Nothing TougherPerspective: Nothing Tougher
רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה יחיח
אין לך דבר בכל התורה כולה שהוא קשה לרוב אין לך דבר בכל התורה כולה שהוא קשה לרוב העם לפרוש אלא מן העריות והביאות העם לפרוש אלא מן העריות והביאות האסורות, אמרו חכמים בשעה שנצטוו ישראל האסורות, אמרו חכמים בשעה שנצטוו ישראל על העריות בכו וקבלו מצוה זו בתרעומות ובכיה על העריות בכו וקבלו מצוה זו בתרעומות ובכיה . .שנאמר בוכה למשפחותיו על עסקי משפחותשנאמר בוכה למשפחותיו על עסקי משפחות
Need to be Doubly Need to be Doubly Cautious When Overcoming Human Cautious When Overcoming Human
NatureNature שולחן ערוך אבן העזר סימן כא סעיף אשולחן ערוך אבן העזר סימן כא סעיף א צריך אדם להתרחק מהנשים מאד מאדצריך אדם להתרחק מהנשים מאד מאד Even Haezer 21:1 uses the term “Even Haezer 21:1 uses the term “מאד מאדמאד מאד ””- -
in cautioning us to the need to distance in cautioning us to the need to distance ourselves greatly from inappropriate ourselves greatly from inappropriate intermingling with the opposite sexintermingling with the opposite sex This double language seems to be reserved for This double language seems to be reserved for
situations where it is human nature to be drawn situations where it is human nature to be drawn towards such activities- e.g. arrogance and lust towards such activities- e.g. arrogance and lust for money (same lashon used for humility and for money (same lashon used for humility and bribery)bribery)
Rabbi Ari Kahn, Aish
תלמוד בבלי מסכת יומא דף כט עמוד א
הרהורי עבירה קשו מעבירהFantasy is more injurious than the sin itself Rashi understands this teaching to mean that thoughts
of sin are more difficult to control than actually committing the sin itself.
הרהורי עבירה - תאות נשים, קשים להכחיש את בשרו יותר מגופו של .מעשה
It is more difficult to control something which is not considered to be a problem in the first place.
One conclusion of Rashi's analysis might well be that the reward for controlling one's thoughts would be greater than the reward for avoiding an "actual" sin, following the principle taught in the Ethics of the Fathers:
In accordance with the difficulty is the reward. (Mishna Avos 5:26)
Rabbi Ari Kahn, Aish
Rambam on Rambam on הרהורי עבירה SANCTITY OF THE MINDSANCTITY OF THE MIND Maimonides, in the Maimonides, in the Guide for the PerplexedGuide for the Perplexed, has a , has a
radically different understanding:radically different understanding: You already know the teaching "Thoughts of sin You already know the teaching "Thoughts of sin
are kashe, more difficult, than sin." (Yoma 29a) I are kashe, more difficult, than sin." (Yoma 29a) I have a wonderful explanation: If a person sins, it have a wonderful explanation: If a person sins, it is generally due to circumstances which result is generally due to circumstances which result from his being a physical creature -- that is, a from his being a physical creature -- that is, a person will sin due to the animal side of himself. person will sin due to the animal side of himself. But thoughts are the treasure of a person which But thoughts are the treasure of a person which follow his "form" (his image of God) and if a follow his "form" (his image of God) and if a person sins with his thoughts, then he has sinned person sins with his thoughts, then he has sinned with his greatest asset ... [because] the purpose with his greatest asset ... [because] the purpose of the mind is to cling to God, not to slip below [to of the mind is to cling to God, not to slip below [to the animal level]. (the animal level]. (Guide for the Perplexed Guide for the Perplexed 3:8)3:8)
On the Importance of Controlling On the Importance of Controlling " הרהורי עבירה““
Therefore, if a person sins with his body, Therefore, if a person sins with his body, it is understandable because the body is it is understandable because the body is physical, and therefore has all sorts of physical, and therefore has all sorts of physical urges and animal instincts. The physical urges and animal instincts. The mind, on the other hand, is the mind, on the other hand, is the manifestation of the image of God. To manifestation of the image of God. To sin with one's mind is therefore a sin with one's mind is therefore a greater desecration than sinning with greater desecration than sinning with one's body.one's body. Rabbi Ari KahnRabbi Ari Kahn
Recommendations: Recommendations: Effective Ways of Thinking Effective Ways of Thinking
About Self-ControlAbout Self-Control
Mind-set:Mind-set:
Goals, Monitoring, AttitudeGoals, Monitoring, Attitude
Struggle as an Engine of GrowthStruggle as an Engine of Growth
Struggle as an Engine of Growth: Struggle as an Engine of Growth: Vilna GaonVilna Gaon
משלי פרק ד פסוק יגמשלי פרק ד פסוק יג
: : : :החזק במוסר אל תרף נצרה כי היא חייךהחזק במוסר אל תרף נצרה כי היא חייך
Take hold of instruction; let her not go; Take hold of instruction; let her not go;
keep her; for she is your life. keep her; for she is your life. כי מה שהאדם חי הוא כדי לשבור מה שלא שבר עד הנה כי מה שהאדם חי הוא כדי לשבור מה שלא שבר עד הנה
אותו המדהאותו המדה
לכן צריך תמיד להתחזק ואם לא יתחזק למה לו חייםלכן צריך תמיד להתחזק ואם לא יתחזק למה לו חיים
How Goals are Framed MatterHow Goals are Framed Matter Better performances are observed when peopleSet themselves challenging, specific goals as comparedWith challenging but vague goals Goal-proximity effect (proximal goals lead to better performances than distal goals Goal attainment is also more likely when people
frame their good intentions as learning goals (to learn how to perform a given task) rather than performanceGoals (to find out through task performance how capable one is
Focus on the presence or absence of positive outcomes rather than focusing on the presence or absence of negative outcomes
Power of Specific Goal SettingPower of Specific Goal Setting
Implementation intentions:Implementation intentions: Whenever situation Whenever situation xx arises, I will arises, I will
initiate the goal-directed response initiate the goal-directed response yy!”!” Being induced to think about when and Being induced to think about when and
where to write an essay as opposed to where to write an essay as opposed to simply being asked to write an essay simply being asked to write an essay dramatically increased compliance (from dramatically increased compliance (from 33% to 75%)33% to 75%)
Gollwitzer Gollwitzer Implementation Intentions Strong Effects of Simple Plans Implementation Intentions Strong Effects of Simple Plans American American Psychologist 1999 Vol. 54, No. 7, 493-503Psychologist 1999 Vol. 54, No. 7, 493-503
MonitoringMonitoring
It is exceedingly difficult to control It is exceedingly difficult to control behavior that is not carefully monitoredbehavior that is not carefully monitored
Breakdowns in self regulation are often Breakdowns in self regulation are often associated with ceasing to monitor associated with ceasing to monitor one’s own behaviorone’s own behavior
This can be done with regular This can be done with regular “cheshbon hanefesh”“cheshbon hanefesh” activities or activities or asking others to actively remind you of asking others to actively remind you of your goalsyour goals
Threat vs. ChallengeThreat vs. Challenge
When a task is viewed as one that can be a threat to one’s self image or very essence the result is often not productive.
In contrast, viewing a task as one to be taken on, deemphasizing objective evaluation and encouraging people to do their best can result in challenge-related appraisals and physiology.
Thus perceiving an issue as a challenge rather than a threat results in: Greater persistence More productive thoughts and problem-solving
strategies More efficient physiological responses
Tomaka, J. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1997, Vol. 73,63-72, Cognitive and Physiological Antecedents of Threat and Challenge Appraisal
Rechanneling: Going from Passive Rechanneling: Going from Passive to Activeto Active
Standard teshuva must give way to Standard teshuva must give way to change in character some methods change in character some methods for doing this suggested by the for doing this suggested by the shulchan aruch are:shulchan aruch are: Learning TorahLearning Torah Acts of chesedActs of chesed
רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה כארמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה כא וכן ינהוג להתרחק מן השחוק ומן השכרות ומדברי וכן ינהוג להתרחק מן השחוק ומן השכרות ומדברי
עגבים שאלו גורמין גדולים והם מעלות של עריות, עגבים שאלו גורמין גדולים והם מעלות של עריות, ולא ישב בלא אשה שמנהג זה גורם לטהרה ולא ישב בלא אשה שמנהג זה גורם לטהרה
גדולה מכל זאת אמרו יפנה עצמו גדולה מכל זאת אמרו יפנה עצמו יתירה, יתירה, ומחשבתו לדברי תורה וירחיב דעתו בחכמה ומחשבתו לדברי תורה וירחיב דעתו בחכמה שאין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב פנוי שאין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב פנוי
, ובחכמה הוא אומר אילת אהבים , ובחכמה הוא אומר אילת אהבים מן החכמהמן החכמהויעלת חן דדיה ירווך בכל עת באהבתה תשגה ויעלת חן דדיה ירווך בכל עת באהבתה תשגה תמידתמיד
Regarding Change: Regarding Change: The Beginning The Beginning is Toughestis Toughest
תלמוד בבלי מסכת סוכה דף נב עמוד בתלמוד בבלי מסכת סוכה דף נב עמוד ב אמר רבי יוחנן: אבר קטן יש לו לאדם, מרעיבו - אמר רבי יוחנן: אבר קטן יש לו לאדם, מרעיבו -
שבע, משביעו - רעבשבע, משביעו - רעב Regarding controlling sexual Regarding controlling sexual
appetites: if he feeds it he will remain appetites: if he feeds it he will remain hungry, but if he starves it, it will be hungry, but if he starves it, it will be satisfiedsatisfied
Each time you restrain yourself, the Each time you restrain yourself, the tendency to act will be lessenedtendency to act will be lessened
Controlling ThoughtsControlling Thoughts
Self-Control Resembles a Muscle: Self-Control Resembles a Muscle: It Gets TiredIt Gets Tired
Self-control may consume a limited resource. Exerting self-control may consume self-control strength, reducing the amount of strength available for subsequent self-control efforts.
Coping with stress, regulating negative affect, and resisting temptations require self-control, and after such self-control efforts, subsequent attempts at self-control are more likely to fail.
Continuous self-control efforts, such as vigilance, also degrade over time.
The executive component of the self—in particular, inhibition—relies on a limited, consumable resource.
Muraven & Baumeister, Muraven & Baumeister, Self-Regulation and Depletion of Limited ResourcesSelf-Regulation and Depletion of Limited ResourcesDoes Self-Control Resemble a Muscle? Does Self-Control Resemble a Muscle? Psychological Bulletin.2000 Vol. 126, No. 2, 247-259Psychological Bulletin.2000 Vol. 126, No. 2, 247-259
Practice Builds Up The MusclePractice Builds Up The Muscle
Like a muscle, In the short run, exertion makes self-Like a muscle, In the short run, exertion makes self-control tired and diminishes its power; in the long control tired and diminishes its power; in the long run, exercise makes self-control stronger and run, exercise makes self-control stronger and increases its power.increases its power.
The inner resources required for thought-The inner resources required for thought-suppression was less readily depleted after 2-weeks suppression was less readily depleted after 2-weeks of exercising self-control strategies.of exercising self-control strategies.
It is good to exert self-control on a regular basis It is good to exert self-control on a regular basis because in the long run, these exercises will because in the long run, these exercises will strengthen self-control and make a person less strengthen self-control and make a person less susceptible to the depleting effects of a single susceptible to the depleting effects of a single exertion. exertion.
Muraven, Baumeister & Tice (1999) Longitudinal Improvement of Self-Regulation Through Practice: Building Self-Control Strength Muraven, Baumeister & Tice (1999) Longitudinal Improvement of Self-Regulation Through Practice: Building Self-Control Strength Through Repeated Exercise.Through Repeated Exercise., Journal of Social Psychology, Vol. 139, Issue 4 , Journal of Social Psychology, Vol. 139, Issue 4
Question:Question: In order to avoid looking unnecessarily at an improper sight, In order to avoid looking unnecessarily at an improper sight,
concernconcernand vigilance are needed. It seems that in order to maintain thatand vigilance are needed. It seems that in order to maintain thatconcern and vigilance, one has to enter a mindset of 'be on concern and vigilance, one has to enter a mindset of 'be on guard',guard',whenever walking outside, and certainly in the summer. whenever walking outside, and certainly in the summer. However, canHowever, canentering such a mindset backfire on the person, in that when anentering such a mindset backfire on the person, in that when animmodest image inevitably does appear, the impact on him will immodest image inevitably does appear, the impact on him will bebestronger--for the worse--given his concern for avoiding such stronger--for the worse--given his concern for avoiding such images?images?And if so, how then can a person strengthen himself so as not to And if so, how then can a person strengthen himself so as not to looklookat the inappropriate images in the street, which requires at the inappropriate images in the street, which requires overcomingovercomingthe natural tendencies that draw him to look at such things?the natural tendencies that draw him to look at such things?
Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self-regulation
Trying To Control Sexual ThoughtsTrying To Control Sexual Thoughts
When a person tries to suppress an unwanted When a person tries to suppress an unwanted thought a psychological system is established thought a psychological system is established that serves two purposes:that serves two purposes: (1) Monitoring process: automatically searches the (1) Monitoring process: automatically searches the
environment for indications of the unwanted thoughtenvironment for indications of the unwanted thought (2) Operating Process: uses controlled responses to (2) Operating Process: uses controlled responses to
override the responses that follow from detection of the override the responses that follow from detection of the unwanted thoughtunwanted thought
Dieter trying to suppress knowledge that there Dieter trying to suppress knowledge that there are tempting foods in the kitchen will watch are tempting foods in the kitchen will watch television to distract himself- the monitoring television to distract himself- the monitoring system will scan the TV show for tempting foods system will scan the TV show for tempting foods while the operating system will actively override while the operating system will actively override the temptation to go to the kitchen to eatthe temptation to go to the kitchen to eat
Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self-regulation
Role of Stress on Control of Role of Stress on Control of ThoughtsThoughts
When one is tired, fatigued, or burdened When one is tired, fatigued, or burdened the monitoring system is automatically the monitoring system is automatically engaged but there may not be enough engaged but there may not be enough effort available to engage the operating effort available to engage the operating functionfunction
As a result the stressed individual will As a result the stressed individual will have greater sensitivity to environmental have greater sensitivity to environmental cues of the undesired thought but will not cues of the undesired thought but will not have enough energy to control these have enough energy to control these thoughtsthoughts
Role of DepressionRole of Depression When a person does not feel positive about When a person does not feel positive about
themselves they often need to excite themselves to themselves they often need to excite themselves to trigger their endorphins to feel bettertrigger their endorphins to feel better
A common cycle is that when a person feels bad with A common cycle is that when a person feels bad with what they do they try to escape from the behavior to what they do they try to escape from the behavior to make themselves feel good again they do the same make themselves feel good again they do the same behavior which made them upset in the first place. behavior which made them upset in the first place.
Depression can be a cause or a reaction to Depression can be a cause or a reaction to MasturbationMasturbation
Gemora in Eruvin: after Adam’s sin he spent the Gemora in Eruvin: after Adam’s sin he spent the next 100 years engaging in HZLnext 100 years engaging in HZL
When a person cannot deal with what they have When a person cannot deal with what they have done they fall further into the problemdone they fall further into the problem
Is the “Refuah” Worse than the Is the “Refuah” Worse than the “Machala”?“Machala”?
The natural impulse to suppress exciting thoughts, may not serve us well. From the outset, thought suppressionmay be difficult because the thought may remain consciouslyaccessible even as we try to suppress it, and we therefore becomeexcited in the very act of suppression. Even if the thought is removed from our conscious attention, we
may thus put ourselves in a position to be disturbed by the thought's recurrence.
An exciting thought seems more stimulating after suppression(when we are idly thinking of other things and it suddenly intrudeson our minds) than when we are purposefully dwellingon it and know it is coming. There is thus the ironic prospectthat the suppression of exciting thoughts can intensify the veryexcitement that we hope to avoid through suppression.
Wegner, The Suppression of Exciting Thoughts, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1990, Vol. 58, No. 3,409-418
Don’t Think of a Pink ElephantDon’t Think of a Pink Elephant
Suppression of thrilling sexual thoughts found to be physiologically more stressful than purposeful thinking about sex
Suppression of exciting thoughts might be involved in the production of chronic emotional responses that heighten the intensity of the problem - such as obsessive preoccupations.
Wegner, The Suppression of Exciting Thoughts, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1990, Vol. 58, No. 3,409-418
26 Randomized Clinical Trials of Primary Prevention 26 Randomized Clinical Trials of Primary Prevention Strategies Aimed at Delaying Sexual IntercourseStrategies Aimed at Delaying Sexual Intercourse
BMJ (2002) 324 (7351) 1426-1434BMJ (2002) 324 (7351) 1426-1434
Failed to delay initiation of sexual Failed to delay initiation of sexual intercourse in young womenintercourse in young women
Did not improve use of birth controlDid not improve use of birth control Four abstinence programs and one Four abstinence programs and one
school based sex education program school based sex education program were associated with an were associated with an increaseincrease in in the number of pregnancies among the number of pregnancies among partners of male participantspartners of male participants
בראשית פרק כא פסוק יא בראשית פרק כא פסוק יא על אודת בנועל אודת בנווירע הדבר מאד בעיני אברהם וירע הדבר מאד בעיני אברהם ::
On the Importance of Not Completely Pushing On the Importance of Not Completely Pushing Away Negative InfluencesAway Negative Influences
Rav Hirsch says that “Rav Hirsch says that “בנובנו“ “ refers to refers to Yitzchak, not Yishmael- Avraham was Yitzchak, not Yishmael- Avraham was worried that without exposure to the worried that without exposure to the real world negative influences of real world negative influences of Yishmael – Yitzchak’s pure character Yishmael – Yitzchak’s pure character would not be inoculated against such would not be inoculated against such negativitynegativity
ינענע לו ראשוינענע לו ראשו Yevamoth, 121a, relates an incident where Rabbi Yevamoth, 121a, relates an incident where Rabbi
Akiva survived a shipwreck. When Rabbi Gamliel, Akiva survived a shipwreck. When Rabbi Gamliel, who witnessed the event asked Rabbi Akiva how who witnessed the event asked Rabbi Akiva how he survived, Rabbi Akiva answered:he survived, Rabbi Akiva answered:
מסכת יבמות דף קכא עמוד אמסכת יבמות דף קכא עמוד א דף של ספינה נזדמן לי, וכל גל וגל שבא עלי נענעתי לו ראשי; דף של ספינה נזדמן לי, וכל גל וגל שבא עלי נענעתי לו ראשי;
מכאן אמרו חכמים: אם יבואו רשעים על אדם, ינענע לו ראשומכאן אמרו חכמים: אם יבואו רשעים על אדם, ינענע לו ראשו "The plank of a ship came my way, and I bent my "The plank of a ship came my way, and I bent my
head to every wave that approached". head to every wave that approached". The lesson learned from this, says the gemorah, The lesson learned from this, says the gemorah,
is that if a man is confronted with a force that is that if a man is confronted with a force that threatens to engulf him, “let him bend his head” threatens to engulf him, “let him bend his head” and not fight it. and not fight it.
Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991
Changing the Ways you Obsess: Changing the Ways you Obsess: Riding the WaveRiding the Wave
Mentally Mentally step backstep back and acknowledge that you and acknowledge that you have just started to obsesshave just started to obsess
Notice your emotional response to the obsession. Notice your emotional response to the obsession. Are you anxious? Scared? Ashamed?Are you anxious? Scared? Ashamed?
Remind yourself that it is o.k. to have a Remind yourself that it is o.k. to have a momentary obsessionmomentary obsession
Reassure yourself at this moment that the Reassure yourself at this moment that the obsessive content is irrational. obsessive content is irrational. Don’t analyzeDon’t analyze
Change your emotional response to the obsession Change your emotional response to the obsession by by taking specific actionstaking specific actions Write it down; sing it, change the pictureWrite it down; sing it, change the picture
Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991
Letting go of Your Worries and Letting go of Your Worries and TensionsTensions
Decide to stop the intrusive thoughts Decide to stop the intrusive thoughts or imagesor images
Reinforce your decision with positive Reinforce your decision with positive statements to yourselfstatements to yourself
Practice some brief anxiety reducing Practice some brief anxiety reducing relaxation techniquesrelaxation techniques
Shift your attention toward a new Shift your attention toward a new activityactivity
Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991
Supportive Statements to Help End Supportive Statements to Help End ObsessionsObsessions
That thought isn’t helpful right nowThat thought isn’t helpful right now Now isn’t the time to think about it. I can think about it laterNow isn’t the time to think about it. I can think about it later This is irrational, I’m going to let it goThis is irrational, I’m going to let it go I won’t argue with an irrational thoughtI won’t argue with an irrational thought This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly
about what I needabout what I need This feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’tThis feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’t I don’t have to be perfect to be OK.I don’t have to be perfect to be OK. I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do
is just drop itis just drop it I already know from my past experiences that these fears I already know from my past experiences that these fears
are irrationalare irrational I have to take risks in order to be free, I’m willing to take I have to take risks in order to be free, I’m willing to take
this riskthis risk
Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self-regulation
Antecedent Focused Strategies for Antecedent Focused Strategies for Regulation of EmotionsRegulation of Emotions
Situation selectionSituation selection:- selecting :- selecting aspects of the environment- people aspects of the environment- people or settings best suited for obtaining or settings best suited for obtaining better self-controlbetter self-control
Situation modificationSituation modification: actions aimed : actions aimed at altering the environment to modify at altering the environment to modify the likelihood of the problematic the likelihood of the problematic responseresponse
Antecedent Strategies: ContinuedAntecedent Strategies: Continued
Attentional deploymentAttentional deployment: attention : attention and effort are directed at aspects of and effort are directed at aspects of the environment that help achieve the environment that help achieve the desired emotional statethe desired emotional state
Cognitive changeCognitive change: reappraisal of : reappraisal of meaning from setback to feedback if meaning from setback to feedback if efforts at control have failedefforts at control have failed
Questions to Ask:Questions to Ask: 1. What exactly is the major PROBLEM 1. What exactly is the major PROBLEM
BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing?BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing? Vulnerability -> Prompting event -> Links-> Vulnerability -> Prompting event -> Links->
Problem Behaviour ->Consequences Problem Behaviour ->Consequences Possible type of links:Possible type of links: Actions, Body Sensations, Actions, Body Sensations,
Cognitions, Events, and Feelings Cognitions, Events, and Feelings 2. What PROMPTING EVENT2. What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment in the environment
started me on the chain to my problem behaviour?: started me on the chain to my problem behaviour?: Start Day/hour:___Start Day/hour:___
3. 3. What things in my environment and myself What things in my environment and myself made me VULNERABLE?made me VULNERABLE? Start Day/hour___ Start Day/hour___
4. LINKS: List actual and specific behaviors 4. LINKS: List actual and specific behaviors and eventsand events
5. LINKS: List new and more skillful behaviors5. LINKS: List new and more skillful behaviors
Dealing with SetbacksDealing with Setbacks
Response Focused StrategiesResponse Focused Strategies
Actively changing an emotional Actively changing an emotional response after the undesired response after the undesired behavior has occurredbehavior has occurred From setback to feedbackFrom setback to feedback From threat to challengeFrom threat to challenge From “characterlogical” self-blame to From “characterlogical” self-blame to
behavioral self-blamebehavioral self-blame
Mistakes as Learning ExperienceMistakes as Learning Experience
What does this failure teach about What does this failure teach about future coping plan?future coping plan?
Neurosurgeon study Neurosurgeon study
Harm Reduction: Overcoming Harm Reduction: Overcoming Tendency to Give UpTendency to Give Up
Violating a zero tolerance rule can lead to greater Violating a zero tolerance rule can lead to greater disinhibitiondisinhibition
קהלת פרק ז פסוק יזקהלת פרק ז פסוק יז : :אל תרשע הרבה ואל תהי סכל למה תמות בלא עתךאל תרשע הרבה ואל תהי סכל למה תמות בלא עתך תלמוד בבלי מסכת שבת דף לא עמוד בתלמוד בבלי מסכת שבת דף לא עמוד ב דרש רב עולא: מאי דכתיב אל תרשע הרבה וגו', הרבה הוא דלא דרש רב עולא: מאי דכתיב אל תרשע הרבה וגו', הרבה הוא דלא
לירשע, הא מעט לירשע? אלא: מי שאכל שום וריחו נודף, יחזור לירשע, הא מעט לירשע? אלא: מי שאכל שום וריחו נודף, יחזור ? ?ויאכל שום אחר ויהא ריחו נודףויאכל שום אחר ויהא ריחו נודף
Does this mean that it is permitted to be a little Does this mean that it is permitted to be a little evil? No, it is like someone who eats garlic and evil? No, it is like someone who eats garlic and gives off an offensive smell. Should he eat more gives off an offensive smell. Should he eat more garlic and give off even more of a smell?garlic and give off even more of a smell?
Dr. Yitz Schechter
Sefer ChasidimSefer Chasidim
Sefer Chasidim- if is a person is Sefer Chasidim- if is a person is at risk of doing a worse aveira at risk of doing a worse aveira like sleeping with a nida then it like sleeping with a nida then it is preferable to do a smaller sin is preferable to do a smaller sin like HZLlike HZL
6. What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in the 6. What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in the environment:environment:
7. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________7. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________ 8. 7. What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in 8. 7. What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in
myself:myself: 9. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________9. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________ 10. Ways to reduce my VULNERABILITY in the 10. Ways to reduce my VULNERABILITY in the
future:future: 11. Ways to prevent PROMPTING EVENT from 11. Ways to prevent PROMPTING EVENT from
happening again:happening again: 12. What HARM did my PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR 12. What HARM did my PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR
CAUSE:CAUSE: 13. Plans to REPAIR, CORRECT, AND OVER-CORRECT 13. Plans to REPAIR, CORRECT, AND OVER-CORRECT
the harm:the harm: 14. MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT 14. MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT
THIS (THAT I WANT TO SHARETHIS (THAT I WANT TO SHARE
Chain AnalysisChain Analysis In the course of a typical behavioural analysis a In the course of a typical behavioural analysis a
particular instance of behaviour is first clearly defined in particular instance of behaviour is first clearly defined in specific terms and then a 'chain analysis' is conducted, specific terms and then a 'chain analysis' is conducted, looking in detail at the sequence of events and looking in detail at the sequence of events and attempting to link these events one to anotherattempting to link these events one to another ..
In the course of this process hypotheses are generated In the course of this process hypotheses are generated about the factors that may be controlling the behaviour. about the factors that may be controlling the behaviour.
This is followed by, or interwoven with, a This is followed by, or interwoven with, a 'solution 'solution analysis' in which alternative ways of dealing with analysis' in which alternative ways of dealing with the situation at each stage are considered and the situation at each stage are considered and evaluatedevaluated. .
Finally one solution should be chosen for future Finally one solution should be chosen for future implementation. Difficulties that may be experienced in implementation. Difficulties that may be experienced in carrying out this solution are considered and strategies carrying out this solution are considered and strategies of dealing with these can be worked out. of dealing with these can be worked out.
It is frequently the case that individuals will It is frequently the case that individuals will attempt to avoid this behavioural analysis attempt to avoid this behavioural analysis since they may experience the process of since they may experience the process of looking in such detail at their behaviour as looking in such detail at their behaviour as aversive. aversive.
However it is essential that not to be side However it is essential that not to be side tracked until the process is completed. In tracked until the process is completed. In addition to achieving an understanding of addition to achieving an understanding of the factors controlling behaviour, the factors controlling behaviour, behavioural analysis can be seen as part of behavioural analysis can be seen as part of contingency management strategy, applying contingency management strategy, applying a somewhat aversive consequence to an a somewhat aversive consequence to an episode of targeted maladaptive behaviour. episode of targeted maladaptive behaviour.
CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR (DBT)BEHAVIOUR (DBT)
1. VULNERABILTY FACTORS1. VULNERABILTY FACTORS): ): What environmental events or "states of mind", What environmental events or "states of mind",
affective/mood states or biological factors) make the affective/mood states or biological factors) make the person more vulnerable to engaging in problematic person more vulnerable to engaging in problematic sexual behavior?sexual behavior?
INTERVENTIONS: Contingency management, self-INTERVENTIONS: Contingency management, self-management skills management skills
LEADS TO: LEADS TO: 2. THE PRECIPITATING EVENT:2. THE PRECIPITATING EVENT: Environmental Environmental
Precipitants, Triggers, Cues, Antecedents: Precipitants, Triggers, Cues, Antecedents: Environmental events that precipitate the chain Environmental events that precipitate the chain that leads to the problematic sexual behaviorthat leads to the problematic sexual behavior Being alone- too much time on hands, feelings of Being alone- too much time on hands, feelings of
boredom, sadnessboredom, sadness
3. THOUGHTS /ACTIONS, FEELINGS BEFORE, 3. THOUGHTS /ACTIONS, FEELINGS BEFORE, FEELINGS AFTER, CONSEQUENCESFEELINGS AFTER, CONSEQUENCES
Self Invalidation ---- "I can't stand this!" Self Invalidation ---- "I can't stand this!" INTERVENTIONS: Increase self-validation, distress tolerance INTERVENTIONS: Increase self-validation, distress tolerance
skills,skills, LEADS TO: LEADS TO: Emotion Dysregulation:Emotion Dysregulation: Shame/Panic, Sea of Shame/Panic, Sea of
Dyscontrol/Active Passivity INTERVENTIONS: Active Problem Dyscontrol/Active Passivity INTERVENTIONS: Active Problem solving, exposure and response prevention solving, exposure and response prevention
A) DYSFUNCTIONAL LINKSA) DYSFUNCTIONAL LINKS (Each thought, emotion, action, (Each thought, emotion, action, and event that linked the vulnerability factors and precipitants and event that linked the vulnerability factors and precipitants to the targeted behavior. A link is dysfunctional if it moves the to the targeted behavior. A link is dysfunctional if it moves the client away from their long-term goals. Dysfunctional links client away from their long-term goals. Dysfunctional links might include any of the following: might include any of the following:
Skills Deficits:Skills Deficits: Skill deficits in mindfulness, emotion Skill deficits in mindfulness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance related to problem behavior. regulation, and distress tolerance related to problem behavior.
B) EFFECTIVE BEHAVIOR:B) EFFECTIVE BEHAVIOR: Secondary Secondary Targets to increase: emotion modulation, Targets to increase: emotion modulation, self-validation, realistic judgment, self-validation, realistic judgment, emotional experiencing, active problem emotional experiencing, active problem solving, accurate expression and non-solving, accurate expression and non-mood dependency mood dependency
Variables Specific to this Person (in Variables Specific to this Person (in addition to above) Any specific emotions addition to above) Any specific emotions AND/OR cognitive patterns, AND/OR action AND/OR cognitive patterns, AND/OR action sequences that precipitate/support the sequences that precipitate/support the targeted problem behaviours or targeted problem behaviours or inhibit/punish effective behaviours that inhibit/punish effective behaviours that could replace problem behaviours. could replace problem behaviours.
Adolescent Sexual Activity: Adolescent Sexual Activity: Challenge for Educators Challenge for Educators
and Parentsand Parents
Adolescent Sexual Activity: Adolescent Sexual Activity: General ConsiderationsGeneral Considerations
Poor family relationships predict Poor family relationships predict premature sexual activitypremature sexual activity
Early sexual activity among teens is Early sexual activity among teens is associated with early use of alcohol, associated with early use of alcohol, and drugs and poorer social and drugs and poorer social adjustment several years lateradjustment several years later
Grades fall significantly the year Grades fall significantly the year after the first sexual experienceafter the first sexual experience
National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent HealthNational Longitudinal Study on Adolescent HealthJAMA 278:10, 823-832 N=12,118JAMA 278:10, 823-832 N=12,118
Predictive of onset of risky sexual Predictive of onset of risky sexual behaviorbehavior Perceived school connectednessPerceived school connectedness
Study of top 20 vs lowest 20 schoolsStudy of top 20 vs lowest 20 schools Parent-family connectednessParent-family connectedness Parental expectations regarding school Parental expectations regarding school
achievementachievement
Parental disapproval of early sexual Parental disapproval of early sexual behaviorbehavior
Key Predictors: Opportunity and Parental Key Predictors: Opportunity and Parental ValuesValues
Time alone with member of Time alone with member of opposite sex Adolescent personal opposite sex Adolescent personal values- in part shaped by values- in part shaped by parental valuesparental values
Parental monitoring in context of Parental monitoring in context of good relationshipgood relationship
DatingDating
As the amount of time invested in a As the amount of time invested in a particular relationship increases the particular relationship increases the expectation that sexual involvement expectation that sexual involvement will occur increaseswill occur increases
Sexual Content on TelevisionSexual Content on TelevisionKaiser Family Foundation Report , February, Kaiser Family Foundation Report , February,
20012001 Frog in beaker analogyFrog in beaker analogy 75% of prime time shows contain sexual 75% of prime time shows contain sexual
content (up from 67% two years earlier)content (up from 67% two years earlier) 84% of sitcoms contain sexual content (up 84% of sitcoms contain sexual content (up
from 56% two years earlierfrom 56% two years earlier 10% of shows depict or strongly imply 10% of shows depict or strongly imply
sexual intercoursesexual intercourse 16% of such scenes involve couple who just met16% of such scenes involve couple who just met
95% of sitcoms do not make even a passing 95% of sitcoms do not make even a passing reference to the risks and responsibilities of reference to the risks and responsibilities of sexual activity sexual activity
Protective FactorsProtective Factors
Parent-child relationship Parent-child relationship characterized by ability to turn to characterized by ability to turn to parents first for any problemparents first for any problem
Belief that parents value abstinence Belief that parents value abstinence Time: parental availabilityTime: parental availability Peer group that supports abstinencePeer group that supports abstinence
Seeking Social Support: The TalkSeeking Social Support: The Talk
Embarrassments shouldn’t paralyze Embarrassments shouldn’t paralyze it should act as a clue, helping detect it should act as a clue, helping detect what you are afraid ofwhat you are afraid of
Ask teen for their opinions don’t only Ask teen for their opinions don’t only share yoursshare yours
Questions to ask about Sexual Questions to ask about Sexual ReadinessReadiness
1.1. Are you doing this for yourself?Are you doing this for yourself?2.2. Do you feel rushed by your partner, the situation, Do you feel rushed by your partner, the situation,
or yourself?or yourself?3.3. Do you trust your partner, can you talk freely with Do you trust your partner, can you talk freely with
him/her?him/her?4.4. Do you only engage in sexual activity when drunk Do you only engage in sexual activity when drunk
or high?or high?5.5. Would you be comfortable saying no even at the Would you be comfortable saying no even at the
last minute?last minute?6.6. Have you thought about the impact on your life Have you thought about the impact on your life
and whether it matches your valuesand whether it matches your values7.7. Sexuality can provoke larger questions about the Sexuality can provoke larger questions about the
nature of existence, the meaning of lifenature of existence, the meaning of life
Multiplicity of reasons behind Adolescent Multiplicity of reasons behind Adolescent Sexual ActivitySexual Activity
To prove lovabilityTo prove lovability Proof of adult statusProof of adult status Physical pleasurePhysical pleasure Intimacy, expression of true loveIntimacy, expression of true love Status in peer groupStatus in peer group Relief from boredom, stress reducerRelief from boredom, stress reducer
www.thelockers.net
Public School vs YeshivaPublic School vs Yeshiva I came from a public school…I came from a public school… Once I got to yeshiva, it all Once I got to yeshiva, it all
changed. the guys were *** holes. until the comments.changed. the guys were *** holes. until the comments.since our school has 100 kids, its impossible not to know since our school has 100 kids, its impossible not to know everybody. pretty quickly everybody. pretty quickly i was getting lots of attention i was getting lots of attention in regards to my body- even though we dress sniutly in regards to my body- even though we dress sniutly and all of that. i've had guys ask me to flash them, and all of that. i've had guys ask me to flash them, do jumping jacks, they grab my butt... comments do jumping jacks, they grab my butt... comments upon comments of "wow, you look really-" pause, upon comments of "wow, you look really-" pause, stare at the chest "-good today". stare at the chest "-good today". when i was in public school, i NEVER had to deal with when i was in public school, i NEVER had to deal with any of this.any of this. granted, i didn't look the same as i do now, granted, i didn't look the same as i do now, but whenever i see my old guy friends i never get but whenever i see my old guy friends i never get comments or anything, and comments or anything, and when i told my best guy when i told my best guy friend who is still in public school about this, he friend who is still in public school about this, he flipped out and went all "sexual harassment" on me. flipped out and went all "sexual harassment" on me. that is what this is, after all.that is what this is, after all.
www.thelockers.net
if you are a very attractive girl do something about if you are a very attractive girl do something about it, or just let it go cuz unfortunately its bound to it, or just let it go cuz unfortunately its bound to
happen.happen.
this does sound like a bunch of unnecessary this does sound like a bunch of unnecessary crap that you are getting, but you cannot crap that you are getting, but you cannot compare how your friends treat you to how compare how your friends treat you to how guys who think you are hot (attractive) treat guys who think you are hot (attractive) treat you. it sux that they do this, but, sorry to say, you. it sux that they do this, but, sorry to say, if you are a very attractive girl do if you are a very attractive girl do something about it, or just let it go cuz something about it, or just let it go cuz unfortunately its bound to happenunfortunately its bound to happen. .
i recently dropped a ton of weight cuz of i recently dropped a ton of weight cuz of college tennis, and i got the same ….so college tennis, and i got the same ….so dont think anything of it.dont think anything of it. it sux, it sux, but it is but it is part of the 14-19 culture.part of the 14-19 culture.
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my parents yell at me alot and make me feel worthless,my parents yell at me alot and make me feel worthless,and he [my boyfriend]actually makes me feel loved and like im and he [my boyfriend]actually makes me feel loved and like im
worthsomething to someone in the world.worthsomething to someone in the world. My point is, i love him and without him i would be sad all My point is, i love him and without him i would be sad all
the time and like miserablethe time and like miserablemy parents yell at me alot [especially my dad]my parents yell at me alot [especially my dad]and make me feel worthless,and make me feel worthless,and he [my boyfriend]actually makes me feel loved and he [my boyfriend]actually makes me feel loved and like im worthsomething to someone in the and like im worthsomething to someone in the world.world.now based on that,now based on that,do you think i was wrong to go behind my parents back do you think i was wrong to go behind my parents back and go out with him anyway, when they say no?and go out with him anyway, when they say no?he makes me happy when im sadhe makes me happy when im sadmakes me feel loved when i dont.makes me feel loved when i dont.makes me laugh when i frown.makes me laugh when i frown.
www.thelockers.net
my bf left me after we had sex! omg! i feel so my bf left me after we had sex! omg! i feel so dumb..dumb..
I dont get the whole 13 years old shouldnt be dating thing. I I dont get the whole 13 years old shouldnt be dating thing. I dated a guy at 14 and fell in love. So i get wat your saying... dated a guy at 14 and fell in love. So i get wat your saying... Prove your parents wrong, show them you're responsible Prove your parents wrong, show them you're responsible enough to handle a relationship. Make them understand enough to handle a relationship. Make them understand that you really do love him... ;)that you really do love him... ;)year later.. we see a post year later.. we see a post
my bf left me after we had sex! omg! i feel so dumb..my bf left me after we had sex! omg! i feel so dumb..
THAT SUCKS!! But i no the feeling.. when the boy i lost my THAT SUCKS!! But i no the feeling.. when the boy i lost my virginity to left me, i felt like ****, i couldnt believe i bought virginity to left me, i felt like ****, i couldnt believe i bought into his **** about the future.. ger.. i get mad thinking into his **** about the future.. ger.. i get mad thinking about it.. Like y do all the guys i seem to get with just want about it.. Like y do all the guys i seem to get with just want to get in my pants (well with the exception of one..) no wat to get in my pants (well with the exception of one..) no wat i mean!?i mean!?
www.thelockers.net
Virginity?Virginity?
I know in the Christian religion, your supposed I know in the Christian religion, your supposed to stay a virgin until you are married, but are to stay a virgin until you are married, but are their any laws in the Jewish religion like that? their any laws in the Jewish religion like that? Lately I've been thinking a lot about waiting Lately I've been thinking a lot about waiting until I'm married, but on second thought, when until I'm married, but on second thought, when im just a little bit older, i might be in love, and i im just a little bit older, i might be in love, and i might want to lose it to my first real love, even might want to lose it to my first real love, even if we're not married. So i don't know whether to if we're not married. So i don't know whether to wait until I’m married, or just until im ready, wait until I’m married, or just until im ready, and in love. and in love. Is there something like this in the Torah? And Is there something like this in the Torah? And what are you going to do?what are you going to do?
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I don't actually think there is anything in the torah I don't actually think there is anything in the torah about waiting until you're married to have sex (but about waiting until you're married to have sex (but don't qutoe me on that). In fact, sex is considered a don't qutoe me on that). In fact, sex is considered a mitzvah. On the flip side, I believe that mitzvah. On the flip side, I believe that contraceptives are prohibited because it says "Be contraceptives are prohibited because it says "Be fruitful and multiply" (this is why sex is a mitzvah). fruitful and multiply" (this is why sex is a mitzvah). Personally, I feel that if the time is right, you should Personally, I feel that if the time is right, you should just do it (and please use contraceptives if you do). just do it (and please use contraceptives if you do). Sometimes you just shouldn't let religion get in the Sometimes you just shouldn't let religion get in the way of love. Just because it's prohibited to marry a way of love. Just because it's prohibited to marry a gentile doesn't mean that you shouldn't do this if gentile doesn't mean that you shouldn't do this if you love that person, and just because it may be you love that person, and just because it may be prohibited to have pre-marital sex doesn't mean prohibited to have pre-marital sex doesn't mean that you shouldn't if you really ARE in love.that you shouldn't if you really ARE in love.
An Absent CurriculumAn Absent Curriculum
Girls seem to be confused and Girls seem to be confused and pressured in sexual areaspressured in sexual areas
A number of rabbis and educators in A number of rabbis and educators in coed day schools have told me that coed day schools have told me that girls complain that to the extent that girls complain that to the extent that the number one need of an adolescent the number one need of an adolescent is to “fit in”- they feel that they can’t is to “fit in”- they feel that they can’t really be accepted by the boys in their really be accepted by the boys in their school if they aren’t sexually activeschool if they aren’t sexually active
A kallah teacher of large numbers of A kallah teacher of large numbers of graduates of coed day schools graduates of coed day schools reports that the young women she reports that the young women she counsels seem “jaded” about sex- as counsels seem “jaded” about sex- as she told me “they aren’t particularly she told me “they aren’t particularly looking forward to the physical looking forward to the physical aspect of their relationship with their aspect of their relationship with their future husbands”future husbands”
Physical Self-concept: Anorexia and Bulimia Physical Self-concept: Anorexia and Bulimia Much More of a Problem in Our Community Much More of a Problem in Our Community
At least two of the leading treatment At least two of the leading treatment programs for anorectic or bulimic programs for anorectic or bulimic girls in the NY metropolitan area girls in the NY metropolitan area have had to provide a kosher kitchen have had to provide a kosher kitchen as part of their clinical services as part of their clinical services because the proportion of their because the proportion of their population that keeps kosher hovers population that keeps kosher hovers at around the 50% markat around the 50% mark
Contextualizing from the Secular Contextualizing from the Secular LiteratureLiterature
A survey reported in JAMA found that A survey reported in JAMA found that a substantial percentage of young a substantial percentage of young adults wish they had waited longer adults wish they had waited longer before becoming sexually active as before becoming sexually active as adolescentsadolescents
Adolescent Sexual Activity: Adolescent Sexual Activity: General ConsiderationsGeneral Considerations
Poor family relationships predict Poor family relationships predict premature sexual activitypremature sexual activity
Early sexual activity among teens is Early sexual activity among teens is associated with early use of alcohol, associated with early use of alcohol, and drugs and poorer social and drugs and poorer social adjustment several years lateradjustment several years later
Grades fall significantly the year Grades fall significantly the year after the first sexual experienceafter the first sexual experience
Forces such as sexual Content on television (Kaiser Family Foundation Forces such as sexual Content on television (Kaiser Family Foundation Report , February, 2001) have become increasingly potent in recent Report , February, 2001) have become increasingly potent in recent
years. The following statistics provide just a sampling of recent years. The following statistics provide just a sampling of recent changes in external influences.changes in external influences.
Power of internetPower of internet 75% of prime time shows contain sexual content (up 75% of prime time shows contain sexual content (up
from 67% two years earlier)from 67% two years earlier) 84% of sitcoms contain sexual content (up from 56% two 84% of sitcoms contain sexual content (up from 56% two
years earlieryears earlier 10% of shows depict or strongly imply sexual 10% of shows depict or strongly imply sexual
intercourse- this has been found to predict age of intercourse- this has been found to predict age of initiation of sexual activity in adolescents.initiation of sexual activity in adolescents.
16% of such scenes involve couple who just met16% of such scenes involve couple who just met 95% of sitcoms do not make even a passing reference to 95% of sitcoms do not make even a passing reference to
the risks and responsibilities of sexual activity the risks and responsibilities of sexual activity A study done in 2004 documented that heavy television A study done in 2004 documented that heavy television
sitcom watchers are more likely to engage in sexual sitcom watchers are more likely to engage in sexual activity at earlier ages and are more likely to regret their activity at earlier ages and are more likely to regret their early sexual experimentation once they reach young early sexual experimentation once they reach young adulthood. adulthood.
National Study of Youth National Study of Youth And ReligionAnd Religion
N=3,370N=3,370Soul Searching: The Religious and Soul Searching: The Religious and
Spiritual Lives of American Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers,Teenagers,
Smith & Denton, Oxford, 2005Smith & Denton, Oxford, 2005
Across denominations, Across denominations, are Jews more or less are Jews more or less likely to convey clear likely to convey clear messages about messages about sexuality? sexuality?
Job Congregation has Done Helping Better Job Congregation has Done Helping Better Understand Own Sexuality and Sexual MoralityUnderstand Own Sexuality and Sexual Morality
0
5
10
15
20
25
30
35
40
45
U.S. PROT CATH JEW
EXCELLENT
FAIRLY
OKAY
NOT GOOD
DONENOTHING
As Bettelheim As Bettelheim (1984)commented,(1984)commented,
"what cannot be talked "what cannot be talked about can also not be about can also not be put to rest”put to rest”
Lighting up Broca’s AreaLighting up Broca’s Area
Discussing SexualityDiscussing Sexuality Parents tend to consistently underestimate their Parents tend to consistently underestimate their
children’s concerns about sex as well as their children’s concerns about sex as well as their child’s desire to talk to them about these child’s desire to talk to them about these concernsconcerns
Make your values clear and explicitMake your values clear and explicit Empathize but be clear about Do’s and Don’t’s Empathize but be clear about Do’s and Don’t’s
“while it can be hard to say no, I want you to say “while it can be hard to say no, I want you to say no. The longer you wait to have sex the better off no. The longer you wait to have sex the better off you will beyou will be
I will always want you to talk to me if you are I will always want you to talk to me if you are tempted to have sex. I will not punish you for tempted to have sex. I will not punish you for those feelings, but I will help you resist them those feelings, but I will help you resist them because it is safer for you to resist thembecause it is safer for you to resist them
The “Talk”The “Talk”
Is not an event but a process and a mode of Is not an event but a process and a mode of interaction with adolescentinteraction with adolescent
If adolescent is restless and inattentive take If adolescent is restless and inattentive take this as a sign that they are not taking in your this as a sign that they are not taking in your message- schedule another timemessage- schedule another time
Adolescents understand less then you think- Adolescents understand less then you think- main source of their information is often main source of their information is often equally ill informed peersequally ill informed peers
If uncomfortable discussing sex, say that up If uncomfortable discussing sex, say that up front: “my teachers didn’t talk to me about sex front: “my teachers didn’t talk to me about sex so I’m a bit uncomfortable ; bear with me, I’d so I’m a bit uncomfortable ; bear with me, I’d still rather discuss this than say nothing”still rather discuss this than say nothing”
The talk (continued)The talk (continued)
Embarrassments shouldn’t paralyze Embarrassments shouldn’t paralyze it should act as a clue, helping detect it should act as a clue, helping detect what you are afraid ofwhat you are afraid of
Ask teen for their opinions don’t only Ask teen for their opinions don’t only share yoursshare yours
General Considerations: General Considerations: ContinuedContinued
NormalizeNormalize Sex out of commitment versus fun; Sex out of commitment versus fun;
pull of culture vs individuality and pull of culture vs individuality and meaningmeaning
Early relationships and risks for Early relationships and risks for premature foreclosure: power of premature foreclosure: power of early sex to distract you from who early sex to distract you from who you really areyou really are
