Effective Communications Styles:

Learning Outcomes

As a result of this seminar, you will be able to:

1. Understand barriers to effective communication2. Explore some of the generalizations about men and

women in relationships. 3. Identify your personal withdrawal techniques by

reviewing the “Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers.

4. Develop a better understanding of your partner’s way of communicating.

5. Identify some of the common “power plays” that are used by couples in a relationship.

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6. Understanding some of the “Do’s and Don’ts” of couples communication

7. Demonstrate empathic listening

8. Construct “I” messages

9. Rate your “People Skills” and identify areas for improvement

10. Explore the reality and the value of marital conflicts11. Explore the concept of a “couple’s time out”12. Identify some of the “red flags” in relationships11. Where to turn when your relationship needs help

Learning Outcomes con’t.

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Effective Communications

Barriers to Effective Communication1. Different ways of viewing world can lead to honest misunderstandings2. Expecting other person to be a mind reader3. Taking other person’s words personally and either getting defensive or withdrawing4. Getting stuck in rut – having the same interactions

again and again, nothing ever gets resolved

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What do you see?

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Barriers to Effective Communication con’t.5. Thinking of response or daydreaming

6. Not understanding different ways men and women typically view “talking”

7. Ignoring importance of non-verbal communication

8. Not taking the time to communicate

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Differences between Men and Women

Women: Understanding How Men Communicate

KIS- “Keep It Simple” Stay on one topic at a time: men think in a linear and

sequential manner Do not be offended if he does not maintain eye contact Expect interruptions: this is his way of showing interest in the

topic Expect distracting behavior: walking around and talking Men have a strong need to be “right” Avoid directing a man: instead ask, “have you considered …” Avoid nodding: to a man it means you agree and not just that

you are listening Keep a sense of humor

Differences between Men and Women

Men: Understanding How Women Communicate

Women speak twice as many words as a man Set a time every day to communicate for at least 15 minutes Try to make direct eye contact Try to not interrupt Ask her to stick to one subject at a time Respect the versatility of the female mind: women tend to

wander and this makes no sense to men Her “guiding the relationship” is not meant as bossiness:

women tend to be more directing and guiding If you feel she is nagging, do some self checking: Ask her to

talk with you and not at you with an “I” statement Keep your sense of humor

Communication

Body55%

Voice 38%

Word7%

55%--Body Body language, facial expressions, hand gestures, use of space, movements

38%--VoiceTone, pitch, rate, volume

07%--WordActual words spoken

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JUDGING Criticizing Name-Calling or Labeling Diagnosing Using “Loaded” Words

SENDING SOLUTIONS Ordering Threatening Moralizing Probing or Quizzing

“Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers

AVOIDING THE OTHER PERSON’S CONCERNS

Advising Diverting or “Me, Too--ing” Arguing Logically Reassuring

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1. Listen and understand the individual2. Attend to the little things3. Keep commitments4. Clarify expectations5. Show personal integrity6. Apologize sincerely when you make

a relationship withdrawal7. Establish Win/Win relationships

Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships

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8. Be assertive and use I-messages 9. Practice effective communication

skills.

Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships con’t.

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Habits of Effective People

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Stephen CoveySeven Habits of Highly Effective People

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Common Power Plays

Giving advice but not accepting it.Having difficulty reaching out and asking for support and love.Giving orders: demanding and expecting too much from others.Being judgmental, PUT-DOWNS, fault finding, persecuting.Holding out on others; not giving them what they need or want.Making and then breaking promises.Smothering or over-nurturing your partner.Patronizing/condescending behavior/one up and one down.Making decisions for others.Putting others in a “no-win” situation.Attempting to change the other.

Listening

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We have been given two ears and one mouth.

We should listen twice as much as we talk!

Ancient Proverb

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Effective Communication Techniques

Reflective Listening Techniques Mirroring: The process of accurately

reflecting back the content of a message from your partner.

Validating: Let your partner know that the information being sent make sense.

Empathy: The process of reflecting or imaging the feelings the sending partner is experiencing about an event or situation.

“I” messages

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“I” MessagesDescribes objectively how you feel.Focuses on your feelings.Does not assign blame.Specific behavior is described.Non-verbal elements such as tone of voice and body language are critical.Requires a non-judgmental attitude.Can include a state of change and consequence.

“I” MessagesConstructing an “I” message Describe the behavior objective.

When… Expresses your feelings about the behavior.

I feel… Describe the effect on you.

…because… Make a statement of change.

I want you to… Statement of consequences.

If you do/do not … I will...

How do your people skills rate?

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Are you a Passive, Aggressive, Aggressive, or Assertive Communicator?

PassiveTheir View Typical

ResponsesProductiveResponses

I am okayVictimMartyr“You” messageLose-Win

Do not knowwhat they want.Feel responsiblefor theirhappiness.Feel we aredoing their parttoo

Ask open-endedquestions.Do not rescue.Give feedbackon how theirbehavior affectsyou.Encourage themto communicate

Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont.

Aggressive

Their View TypicalResponses

ProductiveReponses

You are notokay.BullyPut Down Artist“You” messageWin-Lose

Feel hurt,defensive, orhumiliated.Becomeargumentativeor withdrawn.

Be reality-basedwith facts.Be prepared.Avoidconfrontation.Let them vent.If they verballyattack you,stand up foryourself.

Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont

Passive Aggressive

Their View TypicalResponses

ProductiveResponses

You are not ok,but I’ll let youknow you are.CunningConnivingHardest to dealwith becauseyou never knowwhere you standwith them

ConfusedFrustratedManipulated

Ask for specificdetails.Focus on realityTake notes.Try to hear thereal messageand confrontthem.

Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont

Assertive

Their View TypicalResponses

ProductiveResponses

I’m ok, you’reokMutual respectMutual benefit“I” messageWin-Win

Confident.Trustworthy.Empowered.Appreciate theirhonesty.Value therelationship.

Establish anopen, honest,and healthyrelationship byassertingyourself.

Assertive Communicators:

Best communication style.Basis for a healthy interpersonal relationship.Have a positive reserve in their relationship bank account.

7 Signs of Communication Problems:

HelplessnessAnxietyHostilityFrustrationCynicismLoss of Self-EsteemHopelessness

Do’s and Don’ts of Communication

Don’ts:Criticize“Hit below the belt”Threaten to end the relationshipJust complainAssume the other person knows what you are thinkingInterruptBe sarcasticGeneralize with “always” or “never”Make vague requestsBe more concerned with winning or being rightQuestion excessivelyRaise your voice or lose emotional control

Do’s and Don’ts of Couple Communication

Do’sKnow each gender’s different ways of communicatingTake time out to think about the problem and clarify your positionBe specificBe honestAsk for and give feedbackDiscuss one issue at a timeStay on topicTry to understand your partner’s positionConsider a compromiseStick to the presentRetire your score boardPractice effective communication techniques such as “I” statements and reflective listeningCall a time out when necessary

Marital Conflict

It should not be: Hurtful   Rejecting   Insulting   Humiliating Manipulating About winning and losing

Marital Conflict 2

It should be: Necessary   Natural   Inevitable   Just a difference in what you and your partner

want, need, or think.   A sign that your relationship has great

potential for growth.   An opportunity to try something different.  

Time Outs

Partners agree to come back to an issue after spending time awayYou come back together after a period of time to attempt to settle the differencesOptions for settling a disagreement: agree, compromise, disagree, or agree to disagree peacefully

Where to Turn When the Relationship is in Trouble?

EAPIndividual and/or Marital CounselingRelationship Building ActivitiesFriendsSupport GroupsChurch

If it’s to be,It’s up to me!

Dennis WaitleyPsychology of Winning

Conclusion

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