Episode 3

When Hailey Met

Stanley

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INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM

STAN is sitting in SAM's living room with her little

boy, JAMES. They are watching Noddy In Toyland.

TV (theme tune): Hey, hey, hey Noddy. Noddy's on his

way…

JAMES: Why does he have a bell on his hat?

STAN: To stop him creeping up on people.

JAMES: Why does he…

STAN (squints at TV): Is that a robot? How long has

Noddy had a robot?

JAMES: Ages.

STAN: Really? Not sure I approve of that.

JAMES (points): What's that?

STAN: That is a goblin. They represent working class people.

JAMES: I don't like them.

STAN: You're not supposed to.

TV: 'Hello Noddy…'

STAN: What's this thing now?

JAMES: Tessie Bear!!

STAN: Never seen him before.

JAMES: That's Noddy's wife.

STAN: Wife?! What happened to Big Ears?

SAM (enters): Operation Yewtree. (STAN laughs) Right

James, come on. Gonna be late for school.

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EXT. SAM'S DOORSTEP

STAN and SAM are waiting on the doorstep. JAMES appears

in his school tie and blazer.

SAM: Where's your bag?

JAMES runs back inside and comes out holding a satchel.

SAM: Right, come on then, let's go.

JAMES skips along in front.

STAN (looking at JAMES): Poor bastard. Five years old

and he's already got a tie and a briefcase. What a

terrible world this is.

SAM: I know, bless him. I never wanted to send him to

this posh school. It was only because Darren got the

hump with the last lot after they went on strike.

STAN: He seems happy enough.

SAM: Yeah, he is, but the other kids know he's not one

of them… and the mums, Christ, you should see the way

they look at me.

STAN: Ah, to hell with them. You don't want to be in

their gang anyway.

SAM: No, I guess not. (pause) So, what's your news then?

STAN: What news?

SAM: The news that was so important it brought you to my

house at 8 o'clock on a Thursday morning.

STAN: Nothing much, Fred and I met a girl, that's all.

SAM (smiles): Oh, yeah?

STAN: Yeah, and as Fred is my official wingman…

SAM: I thought I was your wingman!

STAN: No, you're more of a cheerleader. You're there

mostly for moral support. The wingman's job is to get me

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laid at all costs, even if it means sacrificing his own

life. If I don't get laid, the wingman's failed.

SAM: He must be a pretty crappy wingman then.

STAN: Yes, he's terrible. He has one of the worst

wingman records in history, actually, but last night he

was really on his game. He told this girl that I was one

of his writers… you know, for the sitcom. Which is kind

of true… in a way.

SAM: Except it's a complete lie.

STAN: Not really. I've written for TV. I wrote a sketch

for Up The Gary! that got on the air.

SAM (laughs): Oh, yeah, about the drunk man.

STAN: Yeah, the drunk man who tripped on the step trying

to sneak into his house quietly and started a chain

reaction that destroyed the entire universe.

SAM: That was funny.

STAN: And I've written stuff for Fred.

SAM: Like what?

STAN: I wrote that whole series about the crime-fighting snooker player. Not my fault it didn't get picked up.

(pause) Ok, it's a white lie, but it was told for the

right reasons.

SAM: The reasons being you wanted to get into this

girl's pants.

STAN: Exactly.

SAM: Did it work?

STAN: Well… I walked her home.

EXT. ROAD; NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

As STAN talks we see the two of them walking home the

night before. They are drunk and holding hands and

wandering erratically all over the pavement and road.

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SAM (off-screen): And?

STAN (off-screen): Now, the thing you've got to remember

is she was very drunk.

We see the girl fall over in the road, laughing

hysterically. STAN tries to pick her up and falls on top

of her. They stop laughing and stare into each other's

eyes.

SAM (off-screen): Come on, what happened?!

STAN and SAM are back on screen.

EXT. ROAD (CONT.)

STAN (shrugs): We had a little snog.

SAM: No way!

STAN: Yep.

SAM (overjoyed): I can't believe it!! Wow! This is so

exciting!

She dances around a bit and hugs STAN.

STAN: Alright, it's no big deal.

SAM (sings): Stan kissed a girl and he liked it!

STAN: I reckon I could have done a lot more too… if I'd wanted to. But I'm a gentleman.

SAM: So when are you gonna see her again?

STAN: Oh no. I'm not gonna push my luck.

SAM: What?

STAN: I'd rather leave it as something perfect.

SAM: Don't be stupid. Did you get her number?

STAN: Yes, but I'm not gonna call her.

SAM: Why?

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STAN: Because, for once in my life I got in and out

clean. I did everything right. Nothing humiliating happened. I was funny, I was smooth, the whole thing was

flawless. I'd have to be mad to see her again.

SAM: Just call her.

STAN: She probably wouldn't even want to see me anyway.

There's no need to call her up just for the sake of

getting rejected.

SAM: If she'd wanted to reject you she'd have done it last night, but she didn't, did she? She accepted you.

So stop being a dick and call her.

STAN: She was probably just using me to get close to

Fred, now that I think about it. Everyone always wants

to sleep with Fred, and it's even worse now he's on the telly. And I don't think you realise quite how drunk she

was. I've never seen anything like it, even from you!

SAM: Me? How dare you!

STAN: Yep, even worse than you at Barry's New Year's Eve party. She was totally gone. In fact, she might even

have thought I was Fred.

JAMES: Bye, mummy.

We are suddenly reminded that JAMES is still there. Cut to reveal they have arrived at the school, JAMES

waves at SAM and skips inside.

SAM: Oh, bye darling. Have a lovely day at school.

STAN: Go get 'em James. Do it for the goblins!

A few of the parents are now staring at STAN. SAM looks

confused.

EXT. BUS STOP

SAM and STAN are sitting at a bus stop. KEVIN, an old

friend, is talking to them.

KEVIN: And how's little James?

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SAM: Not so little now actually. We just dropped him off

at his new school.

KEVIN: Not St Stephen's?

SAM: Yeah, he's only been there a couple of weeks.

KEVIN (impressed): Wow, well done. You must be doing

pretty well if you can afford that place.

SAM: Darren just got a couple of big contracts on the

new railway development so, yeah, we're ok for the next

couple of years.

KEVIN: Oh, that's great. And what about you, Stan? How's the writing going?

STAN: Good mate, yeah.

KEVIN: I think I read one of yours the other day

actually.

STAN: What was it?

KEVIN: Toaster. Morphy Richards.

STAN: Yeah, that's one of mine.

KEVIN: Thought I recognised your hand in it. No-one

writes manuals like you.

STAN: You know, I've just recently started doing the

back of cereal boxes. It's a bit more creative. Gives me a lot more freedom to express myself.

KEVIN: Super.

SAM (grinning): And he's got a girlfriend.

KEVIN (excited): No! You haven't!

STAN: No. I haven't.

SAM: Yes, he has. He met her last night and he kissed her on the lips and now she's gonna have his babies.

KEVIN: That's great, man. I'm so pleased for you.

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STAN: It's… really nothing like that.

KEVIN: That's really given me a boost, that has. God

knows, I needed some good news today.

SAM: Why? What's up?

KEVIN: My dad's not been well. I'm just on my way to the hospital now to see him.

SAM: Oh no, what's wrong with him?

KEVIN: Something to do with his eyes. He's having an operation today, but there's a small chance, if it goes

wrong, he could end up blind.

SAM: Oh, Jesus, Kev. I'm so sorry.

KEVIN: No, no, no need for that. He's not blind yet. I'm staying positive, we all are.

SAM: Good. That's the best way.

KEVIN: I'm going to that hospital now and I'm not taking even one atom of negativity in with me.

STAN: Good for you, Kev. Don't worry about a thing.

We've got the best doctors and nurses in the world, you

know.

KEVIN: Oh, I know. And it's a relatively simple

operation.

STAN: Exactly. It's no big deal. They'll wheel him in, scratch around in his eyes a bit, a little snip here, a

little snip there, pop a pair of sunglasses on him,

bring him back round and touch wood…

STAN briefly looks around, but there is no wood to touch

so he leaves it and carries on talking; KEVIN seems to

notice this.

STAN: Everything will be fine. I bet he'll be home in

time for tea. And that would be a special tea, too.

Anything he wants, I reckon. Burgers, chips, beans, ice

cream.

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KEVIN (seems upset): Sure. Well, I best be going now.

STAN: Ok. I'll see you soon?

KEVIN (distracted): Yeah, see you soon. Give my love to

Fred and Janet, yeah?

STAN: Yep, will do.

KEVIN: Bye, Sam. Nice to see you again.

SAM: You too, Kev. We'll have to go for a drink soon, catch up properly, yeah?

KEVIN (distracted): Yeah, sure… soon. We'll do that…

(pause) soon.

KEVIN walks off, seemingly on the verge of tears.

SAM: What was all that about? He was fine one minute,

then he just freaked out?

STAN: He's upset about his dad, isn't he? It's

understandable. God, I'd hate to go blind, wouldn't you?

SAM: Yeah.

STAN: You wouldn't be able to see anything!

SAM: No.

STAN: That's the worst thing about it. Being deaf isn't all that great either. But at least you can still see

stuff.

SAM: Can't hear anything though.

STAN: That's true. That's the problem with that one.

SAM: If you could lose any of your senses what would it be?

STAN (thinks): Probably my sense of humour. People

always say: at least you've still got your sense of

humour, like that's such a great thing, but I don't

know, I think mine causes as many problems as it solves.

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SAM: Yeah.

STAN: It's an overrated sense, I think. I could

definitely get by without it.

As they are talking, STAN's phone starts ringing. STAN

looks confused and even a little frightened by this turn

of events.

STAN: What the hell is that?

SAM: It's your phone.

STAN (confused): Who's calling me? At this hour?

SAM: At 10 o'clock in the morning?

STAN: The only person who ever calls me is that payment protection guy. And he calls in the evenings.

STAN eventually pulls his phone out of his pocket and

answers it.

STAN (suspicious): Hello? (pause) Who is this? (pause)

Oh… hi Hailey. How are you? (SAM smiles) Sure, I

remember. It was a good night. Very good. A fun time was

had by all. (pause) Listen, I think you might have the

wrong number… (SAM sighs and shakes her head) This is Stanley. (pause) Ok, you must have us confused then, there were two of us, remember? The blonde one was Fred,

that's the guy you want, I'm the other one, the rubbish

one. (pause) Really? Well, I had a good time talking to

you too. (SAM smiles) Saturday night? Um, can I think

about it? (SAM throws her arms in the air in

exasperation) Ok, I'll call you back. (pause) No, no,

I'll call you. Bye.

STAN hangs up and notices SAM staring at him pointedly.

STAN: What?

INT. SAM'S HOUSE

SAM: I don't understand. What exactly are you worried about?

STAN: I don't know. She's very young.

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SAM: How young?

STAN: Like… ten. (STAN and SAM laugh) No, she's 20.

SAM: That's not that young.

STAN: Not that young? She doesn't know what Noel's House Party is!

SAM: Why were you talking about Noel's House Party?

STAN: We weren't talking about it, it just came up, as

it often does, and she didn't have a bloody clue what I

was on about! How can I go on a date with her? All my

witty pop-cultural references will fall flat. What if I

want to make a joke about The Crystal Maze?

SAM: Right. That's the stupidest worry I've ever heard. What else?

STAN: I don't know what to wear.

SAM: Like it matters! Just wear what you've got on now.

STAN: This? This isn't gonna cut it.

SAM: Women aren't as superficial as you think, you know. If I like someone I don't even notice what clothes he's

wearing. He can turn up in a dress for all I care.

STAN: Yeah, you're different though.

SAM: And don't get a haircut either. Men always make the mistake of getting a haircut before a date and it

makes them look cowed and nervous. Like a shorn sheep.

STAN: No, it makes us look smart and clean.

SAM (laughs): It makes you look like a little boy on

school-photo day.

STAN: Hmm. (thinks) The other thing I've got to decide

is what personality to use.

SAM: I don't even know what that means.

STAN: Well… which of my many different personalities

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is the best for a first date? Should I go dangerous

bad-boy; romantic poet; fun-loving party animal; world-

weary cynic; wise-cracking joker; tortured genius or

crazy bastard?

SAM: Stan…

STAN: The last date I went on I ended up using all of them. It was a right mess.

SAM: Just be what you were last night…

STAN: Dirty old man?

SAM: Yourself, you idiot! Be yourself.

INT. PUB

FRED, STAN and DIRTY JOHNNY, a fat, disgusting-looking

man, are sitting in a pub discussing the date.

FRED: Are you mad! You can't be yourself on a first date! It's suicide.

DIRTY JOHNNY: He's right, Stan. Only an idiot goes as

himself.

FRED: You need to be way better than yourself. You need

to be kinder than yourself, wittier than yourself, more

interesting than yourself.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Taller than yourself.

FRED: And you definitely need to be better looking than yourself.

STAN: And how do I do that exactly?

FRED: First thing tomorrow: haircut.

SAM: But Sam said…

FRED: It doesn't matter what Sam said. You wanna look smart and shiny and clean so… haircut and shave. (beat)

You should probably wear a suit as well.

STAN: You know I hate wearing suits.

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FRED: Listen, a first date's like a job interview: you do what you have to do.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Or you could be brave and wear something

that shows her you're not afraid of her. I've got a t-

shirt that says: Keep calm and suck…

STAN: Suck my dick, yeah. I've seen it. You wore it to

Sam's wedding.

DIRTY JOHNNY: That's the one. Wanna borrow it?

STAN (thinks): Well… it is bold.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Very bold.

STAN: But I'm not sure if it's right for a first date.

DIRTY JOHNNY (shrugs): I'm not saying there's not an

element of risk involved. It could backfire, for sure.

The shirt is very hit and miss, no doubt about that, but dating is all about taking risks. Nothing to be gained

from playing it safe.

FRED: No, sorry, I couldn't disagree more. Never take risks on a date. Never! Play it safe: wear a suit.

DIRTY JOHNNY (shakes head): That's called playing not to

lose instead of playing to win. It never works. Any

sportsman will tell you that.

FRED: This is a date we're talking about here, not a

tennis match.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Same thing, mate. Same thing. Why do you

think they call it match-making?

FRED: Because you're matching two people together…

DIRTY JOHNNY: Exactly! Man Vs Woman. That woman isn't on

your team, she's your opponent. If you win the match,

you get to sleep with her. If she wins, she gets to go

home and never see you again. That's why you have to go

on the attack, no point being passive and letting her

dictate the rallies. She isn't going to beat herself.

STAN: I could grind her down. That's my usual tactic.

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DIRTY JOHNNY: No! You go out there and you beat her!

DIRTY JOHNNY bangs the table with his fist.

STAN: It sounds bad when you say it like that.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Don't literally beat her, but… you know

what I mean.

FRED: So where are you gonna take her? Movies?

STAN: I don't know.

FRED: Movies is a safe and reliable option.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Yeah, take her to see some romantic

bullshit. Show her your sensitive side.

FRED: Love, Finally. That's still showing. You can't go wrong with that.

STAN: No, it's not a good idea. Romantic comedies have too powerful an effect on me. I always end up crying.

FRED: Crying?

DIRTY JOHNNY: Jesus. That's too sensitive.

FRED: Yeah, that'll make you look weird.

DIRTY JOHNNY: It'll make him look insane.

STAN: Rom-coms are hard for single people. They make us feel like we've wasted our lives.

FRED: Maybe you should just take her for dinner instead. That's an easy one.

STAN (shakes head): I find restaurants pretentious.

DIRTY JOHNNY: How about a club then? Take her clubbing. (FRED laughs) What's wrong with that?

STAN: The music's too loud and there's never anywhere to

sit down.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Jesus, Stan…

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STAN: You know what, forget it. I'm not gonna go. I

remember why I got out of the dating game in the first

place now. It's more hassle than it's worth.

FRED: Stan, get this date right and you might never have

to go on another date again. Don't you get it? This girl

could be the one. She could be Barbie to your Ken, Lois

Lane to your…

STAN: Jimmy Olsen.

FRED (laughs): I was gonna say Superman, but…

STAN: No, I'm always Jimmy Olsen. That's as good as it

ever gets for me.

DIRTY JOHNNY: He's right. He is naturally drawn to the

friend zone.

JANET enters.

JANET: Hi guys, what's happening?

FRED: We're preparing Stan for tomorrow.

JANET: Oh, yeah, the big date. So where are you taking

her?

FRED: That's the problem.

DIRTY JOHNNY: He can't take her to the movies because he

cries like a pussy.

JANET: Ah, that's sweet.

DIRTY JOHNNY: It's not sweet, it's lame.

JANET: So you've never cried at a movie?

DIRTY JOHNNY: Only The Phantom Menace and loads of

blokes were crying in there. I think the enormity of the disappointment was just too much for us.

JANET: The movies is a cliché anyway. No woman ever

wants to go to the movies for a date.

FRED: I took you to the movies for our first date!

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JANET: Yeah.

FRED: And second!

JANET: I know, I remember: Spider-Man 3 and Pirates of

the Caribbean.

FRED: At World's End.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Good movie.

JANET: The point of a date is to get to know someone. You wanna go somewhere you can talk to them, look at

them, laugh with them. Not sit in silence in a dark

room, staring at a screen for two hours.

STAN: I think she's right.

JANET: Of course I'm right. Just take her to a nice bar…

STAN: Yeah, I'll bring her here.

JANET: No, not a pub, a bar. There's a really nice wine bar just opened in town, it's called Rosewater's. I

think you should take her there.

STAN: A bar? Yeah, I can handle that. Cocktails, wine, conversation. That could work.

JANET: And you want to know the best thing? Kevin is the manager.

STAN: Kevin Johnson? No kidding.

JANET: Maybe he gives you a bit of special treatment,

you know what I mean? A few complimentary drinks, the best table in the house.

STAN: You know, I just bumped into him yesterday. He was on his way to the hospital. His dad's gotta have an

operation on his eyes. Says there's a chance he could go

blind.

JANET: Oh, poor Kev. I'd better give him a call.

FRED: That guy doesn't get much luck, does he?

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JANET: It's always been the same. He's one of the nicest guys you could ever wish to meet and yet everything

always seems to go wrong for him. You know what we

used to call him at school? Calamity Kevin.

JANET gets her phone out of her bag and goes outside.

STAN (sighs): I wish I had a nickname.

DIRTY JOHNNY: Why don't you?

STAN: Because no-one's given me one. You can't give yourself a nickname, can you? Other people have to give

them to you. You should have given me one really. You

never even called me Stan The Man.

DIRTY JOHNNY: That's because you're clearly not The Man.

STAN: I'm a man.

FRED: Technically, yes. (laughs) You're Stan, A Man.

STAN (laughs): Great. A nickname with a comma in it.

Fantastic. Just what I've always wanted.

FRED: Tell you what, if you seal the deal with this girl you can be Stan The Man from now on.

STAN: You promise?

FRED: Promise. Now don't screw it up.

INT. STAN'S BEDROOM; NIGHT

MUSIC: CRIMSON AND CLOVER by TOMMY JAMES & THE SHONDELLS

STAN is in bed dreaming about Hailey. As the music plays

we see romantic flashbacks of the two of them talking,

walking home together and kissing from the other night.

As the song fades, STAN's dream becomes interrupted by

visions of SAM, FRED and DIRTY JOHNNY and we hear

snippets of their confusing, contradictory advice

echoing around STAN's mind.

SAM: Be yourself… FRED: You can't be yourself on a first date. It's

suicide…

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DIRTY JOHNNY: Go out there and beat her! SAM: Stan kissed a girl and he liked it… DIRTY JOHNNY: Dating's all about taking risks. FRED: Play it safe… DIRTY JOHNNY: Keep calm and suck my dick… SAM: Be yourself… FRED: You should probably wear a suit… DIRTY JOHNNY: Keep calm and suck my dick… SAM: Don't get a haircut… FRED: First thing tomorrow: haircut… SAM: Turn up looking like a kid on school-photo day… DIRTY JOHNNY: Keep calm and suck my dick… FRED: First thing tomorrow: haircut… SAM: Turn up looking like a kid on school-photo day… DIRTY JOHNNY: Keep calm and suck my dick…

The last three lines repeat over and over again, faster

and faster, building to a huge crescendo of madness. We

see STAN sit bolt upright in bed, screaming and covering

his ears.

INT. FRED'S HOUSE

There is a knock on the door, FRED opens it to see STAN

looking panicked. He is wearing a suit and tie, has had

a very severe haircut and is carrying a huge bunch of

flowers.

FRED: Wow.

STAN: It's too much, isn't it? I knew it was too much. I started off nice and casual and it just got more and

more insane. Look how shiny my shoes are!

FRED looks at STAN's shoes.

FRED (laughs): I can see my face in 'em.

STAN: I need to change. I can't go like this… I look like a politician!

FRED: No, it's good. She'll like it. It shows you're keen. Where are you meeting her?

STAN: Rosewater's. I'm pinning all my hopes on Kevin, really. He's gotta make me look good. (FRED grimaces)

What?

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FRED: I'm not sure what kind of mood Kev'll be in, to be honest. Janet spoke to him earlier; his dad's

operation failed. They think he'll be blind for life.

STAN: Oh… shit.

FRED: Yeah.

STAN: That's too bad.

FRED: And he's saying it's your fault.

Pause.

STAN: What are you, kidding me? My fault? How the hell can it be my fault?

FRED: Apparently you didn't touch wood. (STAN looks confused) You said: 'touch wood, your dad will be fine'.

And then you didn't touch wood!

STAN: There was no wood around.

FRED: There's always wood!

STAN: I looked. I looked for wood. I did a full 360°. There was no wood within touching distance. What am I

supposed to do? Drop everything and go off hunting wood?

FRED: You're supposed to touch your head.

STAN: What?!

FRED: That's what you do. If there's no wood you touch your head.

STAN: Well, how's that gonna work? My head's not made of

wood!

FRED: That's just what you do.

STAN: No, no, that's not gonna work.

FRED: What do you mean, work? It's not a scientific

thing. It's a superstition.

STAN: It's stupid.

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FRED: Well… Kev's very upset about it. He's got it in his head that you cursed the operation.

STAN: Tell you what, that's the last time I say anything

to anyone. No good ever comes of it. I'm serious, I'm

out of the talking game. The next time someone tells me

their dad might go blind, I'm not gonna say a damn

thing.

FRED: Yeah, I think that's probably for the best.

JANET enters.

JANET (aggressive): Oh, here he is, the man of the

moment.

STAN: Oh, Christ.

JANET: I hope you're happy, Stan, you selfish prick!

Kevin's dad is blind now, thanks to you! What have you

got to say for yourself? Huh?

STAN: There was no wood!

JANET: So touch your head, you piece of shit!! It's not

rocket science.

STAN: It's confusing.

JANET: Like this: 'your dad will be fine, touch wood'.

As JANET says 'wood' she hits STAN unnecessarily hard on

the top of the head.

STAN: Ow!

JANET: And you didn't pass on the love! What have you

got to say about that? (STAN, confused, shrugs) Don't play dumb with me, you know what I'm talking about!

Kevin asked you to send us his love, but you never did

it!

STAN: Oh…

JANET: Too much trouble for you, wasn't it? To pass on a

simple, kind message like that.

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STAN: No-one actually sends the love…

JANET: Of course you send the love.

STAN: No, it's just something you say. People have asked me to send love hundreds of times. I've never actually

done it. It's meaningless.

JANET: I've passed on love to you. When Jenny Lakeman

said: 'send my love to Stan', I made sure you got it, didn't I? (pause) Well? Didn't I?

STAN (sighs): Yes, you sent me the love. (pause) I

didn't really know what to do with it… but I got it.

JANET: You got it. Exactly! Christ knows why she wanted

to send it to you in the first place, but you got it.

Unlike us. Our love was never delivered.

STAN: You got the love in the end.

JANET: No thanks to you.

STAN: In fact, it's better this way because you cut out the middle man and got the love direct from the… lover.

That's got to mean more than getting it from me.

JANET (suspicious): When you went with Sam to visit her

mum in hospital and I asked you to pass on my love…

(STAN looks nervous) Well?

STAN: What?

JANET: Did you do it?

Pause.

STAN: Did I do what?

JANET (scary): Did you pass on my fucking love!!

STAN (scared): Yes.

JANET: Really?

STAN: Yes, of course I did.

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JANET: You sure?

STAN (meekly): Yes.

JANET: LIAR!!

JANET storms upstairs. STAN looks at FRED.

STAN: Sorry.

FRED (opens front door and sees STAN out): No worries.

Just another wonderful day being married to her and

friends with you.

STAN: Bloody Kevin. What's wrong with this guy? Checking up on me, making sure you received the love. What sort

of person does that? (FRED nods in agreement) Now look

at all the trouble he's caused.

FRED (sympathetic): I know, I know. It's ok.

STAN: I don't know if I want to go on this date now.

FRED: Yes, you do. Go on.

STAN: I'm not in the mood.

FRED (assertive): Just go! Get out of here.

STAN (mumbles): Alright.

STAN eventually trudges off.

FRED (laughs): And send my love to Hailey!

STAN: Fuck off.

EXT. ROSEWATER'S; EARLY EVENING

STAN and HAILEY have arrived at the bar. They walk in

and KEVIN is there to greet them. He does not smile.

STAN: Alright, Kev?

KEVIN (cool): Stanley.

STAN: How's your dad doing?

23

KEVIN: Uh… he's blind, so not too good really.

STAN nods sympathetically, clearly not knowing what to

say.

STAN: What a… bloody annoying thing to happen.

KEVIN: Yes, he's very depressed.

STAN: Because he can't see anything?

KEVIN: Yes.

STAN (nods): That would be depressing.

Pause.

KEVIN: Table for two, is it?

STAN: Yes, please. This is Hailey, by the way.

KEVIN (looks up briefly): Hi, Hailey. Nice to meet you.

KEVIN leads them to a a little table at the back, next

to the toilets. They sit down and KEVIN walks away

without saying anything.

HAILEY: This is nice.

STAN (distracted, looking around the room): This is the

worst table in the house. We're right next to the

toilets.

HAILEY: It's ok.

STAN: We should be up there.

STAN points to a nicer row of tables by the window.

HAILEY: I think that's the VIP section.

STAN: Exactly. (STAN stands up) And you should be in it. Let me have a word with Kev.

HAILEY: You don't have to do that.

STAN: It's fine. He's a close personal friend of mine.

24

HAILEY: I don't think he likes me very much.

STAN: Nothing to do with you. He's annoyed with me

because I made his dad go blind, that's all.

STAN walks off to find KEV, then, realising what he just

said, comes back.

STAN: Accidentally, you understand.

HAILEY: Ok.

STAN: I didn't actually blind him, I just cursed him…

(walks away again, then turns around) Accidentally. It

was an accidental curse. Purely accidental.

HAILEY looks confused but smiles as STAN walks over to

KEVIN.

STAN: Kevin, my man! (STAN enthusiastically pats KEVIN on the back, KEVIN doesn't respond) This place looks

great.

KEVIN (curt): Thanks.

STAN: Listen, you wouldn't object to us sitting up

there, would you?

KEVIN: I'm sorry, that section's reserved for VIPs.

STAN (laughs): VIPs? What, do you think the Rolling

Stones are suddenly gonna turn up?

KEVIN: Maybe.

STAN: Or Willie Thorne? Is Willie Thorne gonna walk in here with a load of Page 3 girls on his arm, demanding

his usual table?

KEVIN: We don't know who's going to turn up, that's why we keep it open.

STAN: Maybe Geoff Hurst might show up with all the

surviving members of the '66 World Cup winning squad.

KEVIN: Lee Hurst has been in.

25

STAN: The bloke who used to be on They Think It's All Over?

KEVIN: He's a VIP.

STAN: He's the least famous person in the world. I'm more of a VIP than him.

KEVIN: You write manuals for toasters!

STAN: Alright, keep it down. (whispers) She thinks I'm a hotshot TV writer so less of the toasters, ok? (beat)

Anyway, I have written for TV.

KEVIN: You wrote one sketch for one TV show…

STAN: And that makes me a TV writer. Come on, mate, I need you to make me look good. How about you let us sit

in the VIP section and I'll promise you that the second,

the very second, that Pat Sharp or Bananarama or the

bloke from the Halifax adverts walk in, we'll move. No

questions asked. What do you say?

KEVIN (smiles): No.

STAN (angry): Oh for fu– I bet you'd let Fred sit in

there!

KEVIN: Well… Fred's a VIP.

STAN (scoffs): VIP! That bloke barely gets recognised in

his own house!

KEVIN: He's on the television.

STAN: He'd be nothing without me. You hear me? Nothing!

We see the end of this scene from HAILEY's point of

view. She can't hear what's being said, but from the way

STAN is shouting and waving his arms about, it is

obvious it's not going well. When STAN returns to the

table, smiling but clearly unsuccessful, she speaks

before he has a chance to say anything.

HAILEY: Stan, I know you've sorted it all out and everything, but would you mind if we just stayed down

here? You know, in the cheap seats?

26

STAN: Well… we can. If that's what you'd prefer.

HAILEY: I wouldn't feel right up there. I'm no VIP. I'm

not even an IP. Just a P.

STAN (laughs): Well that's perfect, because we're in the

P section!

STAN indicates toilets and they both laugh.

MUSIC: CHILLS by GERRY & THE PACEMAKERS

A brief montage of STAN and HAILEY talking, laughing and

drinking a series of increasingly outlandish cocktails.

HAILEY (laughs): That was my big fantasy when I was a

kid: that my pictures would come to life.

STAN: Sure, like Penny Crayon.

HAILEY: What?

STAN: Penny Crayon! It was a TV show about a girl who

had a magic crayon and everything she drew became real.

HAILEY: Never heard of it.

STAN: You're kidding me.

HAILEY: Bit before my time, I think.

STAN: You know, the funny thing about Penny Crayon is

she could draw anything, literally anything, and yet all

she ever drew was buckets and keys… and occasionally a

ladder. She never once drew money.

HAILEY: Was she a crime fighter?

STAN: Sort of. She was always very keen to do the right thing, I remember that.

HAILEY: They should make a movie.

STAN: They should make a movie. There's a lot of

possibilities there. In fact, I'm gonna write that down.

27

STAN pulls out a notepad and writes down: Penny Crayon –

The Movie? Also on the pad is Roy Of The Rovers: The

Movie and Marvel vs Beano.

HAILEY: I really envy you, Stan. Doing something

creative for a living.

STAN: What are you talking about? You're a painter. What could be more creative than that?

HAILEY: I might have stretched the truth just a teeny

bit there.

STAN: You're not a painter?

HAILEY: Oh no, I paint. I love to paint. I just don't

get paid for it.

STAN: So what do you do then?

HAILEY: I work in a building society.

STAN (taken aback): Oh… well, that's creative. In a way.

HAILEY: I hate it. I hate it so much. Every second I spend there I can feel my soul bleeding.

STAN: Jack it in then.

HAILEY: What? Just like that?

STAN: Why not?

HAILEY: You're right. Life's too short to spend it doing a job you hate.

STAN: Not too short, baby. Too long. Life's too long to spend it doing a job you hate. If life were short it

wouldn't be a problem. If we only lived for a day, like

butterflies, it wouldn't matter a toss what job we did.

The problem is we've got to do it for the best part of

50 bastard years! And you're, what, two years in?

HAILEY: That's depressing.

STAN: Isn't it ever? (beat) Life's too long, way too

long.

28

STAN takes a sip from a ridiculously flamboyant

cocktail.

STAN: You know, I paint a little bit.

HAILEY: Really?

STAN: Yeah.

HAILEY: What sort of stuff do you paint?

STAN: People mostly. I could paint you.

HAILEY (laughs): I never let anyone paint me on a first

date. Maybe I should paint you.

STAN: Tell you what, I'll let you paint me if I can

paint you.

HAILEY: Deal.

Just then KEVIN approaches with two more insane-looking

cocktails on a tray. As he is putting them down he

stumbles and drops one all over STAN. It is tomato-based

and makes STAN look as though he is covered in blood.

KEVIN: Whoops… sorry.

STAN: Jesus, Kev!

KEVIN: Honestly, I'm so clumsy today, I don't know

what's wrong with me.

STAN: Look… I know what's going on here. This is because

I didn't touch wood, isn't it?

KEVIN: I don't know what you're talking about.

STAN: I didn't touch the wood and now you're trying to sabotage my date in some petty act of vengeance.

KEVIN: Stanley, I'm not trying to sabotage anything. I'm maybe a little distracted. In case you've forgotten, my

dad is blind!!

STAN: I know. And I'm sorry about that. Truly, I am.

29

KEVIN hands him a towel.

STAN: But you know as well as I do there was no wood by that bus stop. (KEVIN sighs) There was a brick wall,

glass window… (thinks) plastic seat. But no wood.

KEVIN: So touch your head!! How hard is it to just touch your head?!!

STAN: I didn't know about the head thing! If you'd told me, I'd have happily touched my head. Here, I'll touch

it now. (STAN taps head) I'll do it twice. (STAN taps

head again) There. One for luck.

KEVIN: That's great, but it's a bit late now, isn't it?

My daddy's blind.

STAN (shakes head): Oh, you can't really believe in all

this superstitious bullshit!

KEVIN: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe in it and you must believe in it too or you wouldn't have said

'touch wood'.

STAN: It's a figure of speech!

KEVIN: Oh yeah, like send them my love.

STAN: Exactly!

KEVIN: Everything's just a figure of speech to you,

isn't it, Stan? Some of us actually mean the things we say, you know?

STAN: You trying to say I'm insincere?

KEVIN: Yes.

STAN: Because if that's what you think, just come out

and say it. No need to sugar-coat it.

KEVIN: Yes Stan, I think you're insincere.

STAN: Fine. (pause) So when I say you're a total

arsehole I don't really mean it, right?

Pause.

30

KEVIN: I guess not. (KEVIN walks away) Enjoy your

evening.

STAN: Yeah, don't worry, we will! (shouting across bar) Oh… and Kev? (KEVIN turns around) Don't worry about your

dad, I'm sure he'll be fine. Fingers crossed!

STAN stands up and waves sarcastically with both hands,

making it obvious his fingers are not crossed.

Eventually he becomes aware of HAILEY again and sits

down.

STAN: Well, there it is. You've seen the real me now.

I'm guessing you want to go.

HAILEY: Yeah.

STAN (resigned): Fair enough. Can't say I blame you…

HAILEY: Let's get out of here. That guy is an arsehole.

STAN (brightens): He is, isn't he?

HAILEY: Total arsehole.

STAN leaves some money on the table and they get up and

walk out together.

STAN: So where do you wanna go?

HAILEY: I know a place.

EXT. PARK; MOONLIT NIGHT

END CREDITS ROLL AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN

STAN and HAILEY are sitting in a deserted park

overlooking the town. She has set up an easel and is

painting the view.

HAILEY: I love painting at night.

STAN: Yeah. You don't need so many different colours, do

you?

HAILEY (laughs): All the best painters paint by

moonlight.

31

STAN: Shall we do a selfie?

HAILEY (smiles): Yeah.

STAN: A selfie-portrait.

STAN and HAILEY each pick up a brush and hold the canvas

in front of their faces.

STAN: Ready… smile.

STAN and HAILEY smile and paint quick pictures of each

other's faces.

HAILEY (looks at picture): Ah… that's sweet.

STAN: I don't like it.

HAILEY: Why not?

STAN: I always look stupid in paintings.

HAILEY: You look fine. I look a bit weird.

STAN: That's what you look like!

HAILEY: My eyes are closed.

STAN (shrugs): You must have been blinking. Why are my

eyes red?