EvilDead:TheMusical

BooksandLyricsbyGeorgeReinblatt

Musicby

FrankCipolla,ChristopherBond,MelissaMorris,GeorgeReinblatt

MusicSupervisionby

FrankCipolla

AdditionalLyricsbyChristopherBond

AdditionalMusicby

RobDaleman

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Characters

Linda

Cheryl

Shelly

Ash

ScottEd

Annie

Moose

Jake

FakeShemp/SpiritofKnowby

Trees

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MusicalNumbers

ActICABININTHEWOODSHOUSEWARESEMPLOYEEITWON’TLETUSLEAVELOOKWHO’SEVILNOWWHATTHEFUCKWASTHATJOINUSGOODOLDRELIABLEJAKEHOUESWARESEMPLOYEE(reprise)I’MNOTAKILLERActIII’MNOTAKILLERBITPARTDEMONALLTHEMENINMYLIFEKEEPGETTINGKILLEDBY

CANDARIANDEMONSODETOANACCIDENTALSTABBINGDOTHENECRONOMICONIT’STIMEWEWILLNEVERDIEBLEWTHATBITCHAWAY

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ACTONE

SCENE1AlonespotlighthitsagiantNecronomiconatthetopofthestage.Thebookopensonitsown,asthetext,writteninblood,fillsthepage.PROFFESSOR:(voiceover)LegendhasitthatitwaswrittenbytheDarkOnes.NecronomiconexMortis,roughlytranslated,“BookoftheDead”.Thebookservedasapassagewaytotheevilwoodsbeyond.Itwaswrittenlongago,whentheseasranredwithblood.Itwasthisbloodthatwasusedtoinkthebook.Intheyear1300AD,thebookdisappeared.Thebookslamsshut.LightsuponAsh,Linda,Scott,ShellyandCherylinacar.SONG:CABININTHEWOODSALL:We’realljammedinthecarAndwe’regoingreallyfarDrivingdeepintothetreesWithhotdogs,chips,andcheeseTomaketheweekgoquickerWepackedatonofliquorRyeandTropicanaWe’llgototallyBANANAS!SpringbreakvacationisjustblingblingCausesomethinginthismustyairmakesuswanttosingCabinintheWoods(oooh)ACabinintheWoods(yeah)We’refivecollegestudentsonourwaytoanoldAbandonedcabininthewoods(ooohyeah)SpokenASH:Wellkids,afterathree-hourdrive,Icanofficiallysay,we’rehere.SHELLY:Idon’tseeanycabininthewoods.

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ASH:That’sbecauseit’sinthewoods.Thewoodsjustupthere.Butthisisasfarastheroadgoes.Inordertogettothecabin,wehavetocrossthefootbridge.Itistheonlywaytothecabin.Theonlyway.LINDA:OhAsh,asmuchasIloveworkingwithyoueverydayatS-Mart,Ithinkthisvacationwillbeevenbetter.ASH:Icouldn’tagreemore,Linda.Sometimesit’shealthyforaboyfriendandgirlfriendtoleavetheirplaceofemploymentandjusthavesomefunasacouple,inanon-S-Martrelatedsetting(Lindacrossesthebridge).CHERYL:Thanksforbringingmealong,Ash.ASH:Please,Cheryl.WoulditbespringbreakvacationifIdidn’tdragalongmylonelysister?(Cherylcrossesthebridge).SHELLY:HeyAsh,thanksforlettingmecomeonthistrip.ASH:Well,Shelly,ifyouweregoodenoughforScotttopickupdrunkinabarthreedaysago,thenIjustknowyou’regoodenoughformetospendmyonlyholidayoftheyearwith(Shellycrossesthebridge).SCOTT:Thiscabindealbettergetmelaid.ASH:I’msureitwillScotty.I’msureitwill.SCOTT:(tothegirls,whilecrossingbridge)Hey,waitforme!Shit!ASH:AllmyfriendsarehereForthebestspringbreakoftheyearAwayfromschoolandfromS-MartForaweekwayoffthechartsLINDA:AholidaywithAshAllthatI’deveraskHe’ssocuteandthinAndthat’swhyIlovehimSCOTT:ThiswillbejustlikecampButwithasluttytrampInafewhoursyouwillseeme

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DoingthenastyinatreeSHELLY:Scott’slookingtogetbusyButfreshairmakesmedizzyI’msohisperfectgirlOhlook,theregoesasquirrel!CHERYL:AweekupinthewoodsofpuretranquilityAchanceformetorestinanicefacilityIcameuptothiscabintoreadandsleepandbakeSCOTT:Hopeoutheadboardrattlin’don’tkeepyourprudeassawake!ALL:CabinintheWoods(oooh)ACabinintheWoods(yeah)We’refivecollegestudentsonourwaytoanoldabandonedcabininthewoods(ooohyeah)SpokenLINDA:HeyAsh!What’sthisplacelikeanyway?ASH:Well,it’sanoldplace.Alittlerundown,butit’srightupinthemountains.Andthebestpartis,we’restayingthereforfree.LINDA:Yeah,whyarewegettingthisplaceforfree?CHERYL:Whatkindoflandlordrentscabinsforfree?SCOTT:Nolandlordrentscabinsforfree.That’swhywe’renotrentingit.LINDA:What?ASH:Yeah,Iforgottotellyougirls.We’renotexactlyrentingthiscabin.SCOTT:We’rebreakingin.CHERYL:No!ASH:Don’tworry.Noonewillfindout.Atthistimeoftheyear,theownerswon’tbethere.

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SHELLY:Youmean,we’rebreakingintoanemptycabininthewoods?Idon’tlikethesoundsofthis.SCOTT:Whatcanpossiblygowrongwithfivecollegestudentsbreakingintoanabandoned,secludedcabininthewoods,wherenooneknowswhereweare?SHELLY:Well,whenyouputitthatway!ASH:ThistripwillbewackyfunLINDA:SevendaystosnugglemyhunnybunSHELLY:AweekofdrinkingSCOTT:AndpremaritalsexCHERYL:Andtonight,I’llmakesomesnacksoutofHersheybarsandChex!ALL:ListentousnowandmakenomistakeWe’regonnahavefuncauseit’sspringbreakWe’llpour,we’llscore,we’llfallflatonthefloor.We’lldoallthisandawholelotmore---InourCabinintheWoods(oooh)ACabinintheWoods(yeah)We’refivecollegestudentsonourwaytoanoldabandonedCabinintheWoodsASHANDLINDA:We’refivecollegestudentsonourwaytoanoldabandonedCabinintheWoodsSCOTTANDSHELLY:We’refivecollegestudentsonourwaytoanoldabandonedCabinintheWoodsCHERYL:We’refivecollegestudentsonourwaytoanold

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abandonedCabinintheWoodsExitall.

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SCENE2Insidethecabin.Thegroupenters.ASH:So,thisisthecabininthewoods.Isn’titgreat?EVILFORCE:Joinus.CHERYL:Didyouhearsomething?SCOTT(flickinglightswitch):No.Scottrunsbacktothebedrooms.LINDA:Lookatthisplace.Oh,it’sfantastic,Ash.ASH:Sureis,Linda.SHELLY:Ohhwindows…fancy.Scottreturns.SCOTT:Wow.Youshouldseeallthebedroomsbackthere.They’refuckin’awesome.MeandShellycalltheonewiththebigbed.SHELLY:OhScotty!Goodthinking.SCOTT:WellShelly,whenI’mwithyou,oneofushastobedoingthethinking.CHERYL:Ifeelfunnyaboutbeinghere.Whatifthepeoplewhoowntheplacecomehome?ASH:They’renotgonnacomeback.Eveniftheydowe’lltellthecarbrokedownorsomethinglikethat.LINDA:Withyourcar,they’dbelieveit.SCOTT:StopworryingCheryl.Whydon’tyougoreadorsomething?CHERYL:MaybeIwill.CherylpullsourBruceCampbell’sbook,“IfChinsCouldKill.”SCOTT(toShelly):What’sherproblem?SHELLY:Iknow.Shethinksshe’ssosmartjust‘causeshecanread.

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ASH:Thisisthelife.Alltheimportantpeopleinmylifeheretogether.Mygirlfriend.Mysister.Mybestfriend.AndofcourseyouShelly,whoIonlyjustmet.Butstill,Icouldn’toffourotherpeopleintheworldI’dratherspendmyvacationwith.Iwouldverymuchliketomakeatoastforallthisevening.(holdingupaglass)AsaGreekfriendofmineoncesaid,“Ohnisnstututarine.”LINDA:Whichmeans?SCOTT:Partydown!Suddenlythecellardoorflingsopenonitsown.ASH:Whatwasthat?LINDA:Whateveritis,it’sstilldownthere.CHERYL:Idon’tlikecellars.Let’sjustcloseitup.It’sprobablyjustsomeanimal.SCOTT:Ananimal?Ananimal?(laughs)ThatisthestupidestthingI’veeverheardof.JesusChrist.Whatastupidbitch.CHERYL:Wellthenmaybeitwasthewind.SCOTT:Thewind?Ithoughwhatyousaidbeforewasstupid.ButnowthatisthestupidestthingI’veeverheard.Whatastupidbitch!LINDA:There’sdefinitelysomethingdownthere.Anditprobablyisjustsomeanimal.Ash,rememberwehadthatracooninthebasementatS-Mart?ASH:Remember?Ihadtouseabroom,alaundryhamperandaSwifterjusttogetridofit.Butdon’tworryloyalS-Martshoppers,weremovedtheanimalandS-Martwasonceagainrodent-free.SCOTT:Wellyouguysareprobablyright.Probablyisjustsomeanimal.HereCheryl,whydon’tyougodown‘ncheck,makesure?CHERYL:Scotty!I’mnotgoingdownthere!SCOTT:Hahaha!Whatastupidbitch!ASH:ComeonScott;let’sgoseewhatthatwas.SCOTT:Okay,okay…thislookslikeajobfortheguywiththebigballs.

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SHELLY:Becareful.ASH:Backinaminute.ScottandAshclimbdownintothecellar.LINDA:HeyAsh!Scotty!Youfindanything?Ash.Scotty.Ash!Scotty!SHELLY:They’rejustkiddingaround…aren’tthey?CHERYL:Guys,stopscrewingaround.Areyouokay?Saysomething.LINDA:Ash!SHELLY:Scotty!Scottjumpsupandscareseveryone.SCOTT:BOO!!Hahaha,youdumbassholes.Goddamnwhatabunchofpansies.ASH:Lookatallthecoolstuffwefound.Helpmeupwithit.SCOTT(takingitemsfromAsh):Checkitout.Anaxe,agun.ASH:Ibetitstillshoots.SCOTT:Probablydoes.Shellyholdsthebarreluptoherface.Scottpullsitaway.SCOTT:HeydoyouguysselltheseatS-Mart?Scottholdsupadagger.ASH:Ancientdaggers?No.LINDA:Whatelseyougotthere,Ash?ASH:(Ashlooksinthebasketandseesthebook)OhGod.Lookatthisbook.LINDA:Creepy.SHELLY:Supercreepy.

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ASH:It’snoteveninEnglish.CHERYL:Guys,weshouldn’tbegoingthroughthisstuff.It’snotours.SCOTT(mockingly):Weshouldn’tbegoingthroughthisstuff.It’snotours.ShutyourpieholeCheryl!Goddamn.You’realwaysruiningourfun.Heylook–ataperecorder.Ok,shhhh…let’sseewhat’sonit.Scottplaysthetaperecorder.PROF(Ontape):ThisisProfessorRaymondKnowby,DepartmentofAncientHistory,logentrynumbertwo.IbelieveIhavemadeasignificantfindintheCastleofCandar,havingjourneyedtherewithmydaughterAnnieandAssociateProfessorEdGetly.Itwasintherearchamberofthecastlethatwestumbleduponsomethingremarkable;NecronomiconExMortis,roughlytranslated,the“BookoftheDead.”Thebookisboundinhumanfleshandinkedinhumanblood.IbroughtthebooktothiscabinwhereIcouldstudyitundisturbed.ItwasherethatIbeganthetranslations.Thebookspeaksofaspiritualpresence;athingofevilthatroamstheforestsandthedarkbowersofman’sdomain.Itisthroughtherecitationofthebook’spassagesthatthisdarkspiritisgivelicensetopossesstheliving.Includedherearethephoneticpronunciationsofthosepassages.Cundaastrattamontoseeargretsguttnosveratooscandaamantoscanda–CHERYL:Shutitoff!PROF:CandaCHERYL:Shutitoff!PROF:CandaCHEYL(screaming):Shutitoff!!!Atreesmashesthroughthewindow.Cherylscreamsandexitstobedroom.LINDA:Cheryl,don’tgo!Itwasjustthewind.Scott,howcouldyou?LindafollowsCherylintothebedroom.ASH:Scott,whydidyoukeepplayingthetape?YousawitwasupsettingCheryl.Youjustdon’tknowwhenyou’retakingsomethingtoofar.SCOTT:It’sjustajoke!JesusChrist.Iwasjustscrewingaround.

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ASH:Still,youscaredherhalftodeath.SCOTT:Sothewindblewatreethroughthewindow.Ohhhh,scary.Geez,noonearoundhereknowshowtohaveanyfun.Comeon,ShellyletsgoscareCherylsomemorebymakingthewindowsrattleinourbedroom.AndwhenIsaymakethewindowsrattle…Idon’tmeanbysomeunstableweatherpattern…Imeanwe’llmehavingsex.SHELLY:OkayScotty.ScottandShellyexit.

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SCENE3Lindaenters.ASH:IsCherylallright?LINDA:Yeah,she’sfine.Shewasjustabitfreakedoutbythattape.ASH:That’smysisterforyou,alwaysrunningscaredofoldaudiorecordings.LINDA:Ash,Iknowshe’sbeenactingupabit,butitwasstillveryniceofyoutoinviteyoursisterupthisweek.ASH:Honey,youtalkedmeintoit.LINDA:Iknow,butstill.Itwasveryconsiderateofyou.You’reakindandsweetandgenerousperson,andCheryl’sluckytohaveyou.ASH:Listen;let’sforgetaboutCheryl.We’rehereinthiscabin.Alone.Thisshouldbetimeforus.LINDA:You’reright.Itisprettyromanticuphere.ASH:Whatdoyousaywehavesomechampagne,huhbaby?Afterall,I’mamanandyou’reawoman…least,lasttimeIchecked.LINDA:Okay.ASH:Ihavesomethingelseforyoutoo.AshgivesLindaajewelrybox.Lindaopensittorevealanecklace.ASH:Whatdoyouthinkkid?LINDA:OhAsh,Iloveit.Wouldyouputiton?ASH:Ohyeah,sure.Iwasgoingtogiveittoyoubeforewecameuphere,butthingsgotsohectic,thisisreallythefirstchancewe’vehadtobealone.LINDA:OhAsh!It’sbeautiful.Ireallyloveit.IpromiseI’llnevertakeitoffaslongasIlive.WhoeverthoughtwhenItookthatjobatS-MartthatIwouldmeetthemanofmydreams?ASH:Well,Ididn’tthinkI’dfallinlovewithoneofmyco-workerseither.NothingaboutthatintheS-Martemployeemanual.

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SONG:HOUSEWARESEMPLOYEEASH:LittledidIknowthatdayWhenIdroppedoffmyresumeAtthelocalS-MartstoreThatanotheremployeeI’dfallforLINDA:MyjobwasinthecheckoutaisleS-MartservicewithasmileIhatedwork,itwasaboreButallthatchangedwhenyouwalkedthroughthedoorASH:Iwasassignedtoaislethree.LINDA:Andthatiswhereyoufellforme.ASH:AlovesostrongithadtobeLINDA:Perfectretail…ASHANDLINDA:HarmonyIhavetoaskaquestiontothegodsaboveHowwerewedeemedworthyofthisperfectlove?I’llaskthetrees,I’llasktheskyI’llaskthewholewideworldASH:HowdidaHousewaresEmployeelandtheperfectgirl?LINDA:HowdidtheperfectgirllandaHousewaresEmployee?IcouldbarelyfocusonmycheckoutlineYourpolyestershirtalwaysonmymindFantasiestookovermeI’dforgettoscanitemsandgive‘emawayforfree

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ASH:HowcouldIconcentrateonhousewares?Whocaresaboutblenderswhenyou’rerightthereOurrolesreversedthereisnodoubtCauseIwastheonewhowascheckingyououtLINDA:IhadamajorcrushonyouASH:WhenIwasnearyoumylovegrewLINDA:Findingloveatwork,musthavebeenfateASH:It’sbetterthanmeetingatElimidateASHANDLINDA:IhavetoaskaquestiontothegodsaboveHowwerewedeemedworthyofthisperfectlove?I’llaskthetrees,I’llasktheskyI’llaskthewholewideworldASH:HowdidaHousewaresEmployeelandtheperfectgirl?LINDA:HowdidtheperfectgirllandaHousewaresEmployee?ASH:StockingtheshelvesWasallIthoughtwouldbeButfindingmytrueloveatS-MartThatmakesthisjobsogroovyLINDA:IhavetoaskaquestionASHANDLINDA:tothegodsabove.Howwerewedeemedworthyofthisperfectlove?I’llaskthetrees,I’llasktheskyI’llaskthewholewideworld

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ASH:HowdidaHousewaresEmployeelandtheperfectgirl?LINDA:Howdidtheperfectgirllanda…ASHANDLINDA:HousewaresEmployee?ASH(Spoken):Gimmesomesugarbaby.AshandLindakissandexittogether.Cherylenters,passesthecouple,andheadstowardthekitchen.

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SCENE4EVILFORCE:Joinus!Joinus!Cherylpopsherheadupfrombehindthecounter.CHERYL:Hello?EVILFORCE:Joinus!Sheknowsthesoundiscomingfromoutside.Shegoestothedoor.Shepausesandthengoesforthedooragain.CHERYL:Nowmotheralwayssaidthatwheneveryouhearastrange,frightening,andpotentiallylife-threateningghostlychantcomingfromthedarkwoodsthatthere’sonlyonethingyoushoulddo…notwaketheothersandgoinvestigateitalone!Cherylexits.CHERYL:Hello?Isthereanyoneouthere?AllIseearethesetrees.EVILFORCE:JoinUs!CHERYL:Hello?EVILFORCE:JoinUs!CHERYL:Iheardyou.Iheardyoubefore.EVILFORCE:JoinUs!CHERYL:Iknowsomeoneisouthere.EVILFORCE:JoinUs!CherylisattackedbytheEvilTrees.BLACKOUT

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SCENE5Insidethecabin.Ash,Linda,ScottandShellyareeatingbrownies.Cherylbangsonthedoorfromoutside.CHERYL(offstage):Ashley!Openthedoor!Ashley!Ashley!Ashopensthedoor.Cherylenters,beatenandbruised,withherclothesrippedtoshreds.ASH:Cheryl?SCOTT:Whatthehellhappenedtoyou?ASH:Areyouokay?LINDA:What’swrong?SHELLY:Hername’sCheryl,right?ASH:Cheryl,didsomethinginthewoodsdothistoyou?CHERYL:No!Itwasthewoodsthemselves!They’realiveAshley!Thetrees!They’realive.LINDA:Ash,whydon’tItakeherinthebackroom,soshecanliedown.CHERYL:I’mnotlyingdown!Iwanttogetoutofhere.Iwanttoleavethisplacerightnow.RightnowAshley!SCOTT:Waitaminute.Isureashellain’tleavinganyplacetonight.SHELLY:Cheryl.LINDA:Cheryl.SCOTT:ComeonCheryl;isnowreallythetimetobeactinglikeastupidbitch?ASH:Cheryl,there’snothingoutthere.Treesdonotattackpeople.CHERYL:Ashley!Willyoudrivemeintotownornot?ASH:What?Rightnow?Look,sure,sure,I’lltakeyouintotown,butjustlistentowhatyou’resaying.CHERYL:Idon’tcarehowitsounds.Iwannagetoutofthisplacerightnow.

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ASH:Okay,maybeyoucouldstaysomewhereintowntonight.Comeonlet’sgotothecar.ScottandShellygroaninprotest.ASH:Don’tworryeveryone,I’llgetherinamotelandbebackinnotime.Ourvacationwillresumeasplannedmomentarily.LINDA:ThisisverysweetofyouAsh.Whenyougetback,I’llbakeyousomecookies.ASH:Soundslikeaplan.ComeonCheryl.AshandCherylexit.Seeingthattheyarealone,Scottmotionstothetwogirlsforamenage-a-trois.LINDA:No.BLACKOUTOutsidethecabin.AshandCherylarewalkingthroughtheforest.ASH:Don’tworry;you’llbeinasafehotelinnotime.Andmaybethenyoucancalmdown,purchaseafilmonSpectravision,raidthemini-bar,stealasmanylittlesoapsandshoehornsyoucanfitinyourbag…CHERYL:Youbelieveme,don’tyouAshley?Youbelievethatthere’ssomethingouthere.ASH:Wellitdoesn’tmatterifIbelieveyou.I’lltakeyoutotownandleaveitatthat.Wejusthavetocrossthisbridge…Thelightscomeuponthefootbridge,coveredincautiontape.CHERYL:Thebridge!ASH:Howdidthishappen?It’sbeendestroyed.There’snowayoutofhere.SONG:ITWON’TLETUSLEAVECHERYL:Can’tyouseeWhydon’tyoubelieveItwon’tletusleave,Itwon’tletusleave.

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ListentomeWhydoyoureyesdeceiveFinallybelieveItwon’tletusleave,Itwon’tletusleave.AshhugsCheryl.BLACKOUT

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SCENE6Theairport.AIRPORTANNOUNCER:Flight86AthehourlyshuttlefromCairohasjustlandedinTerminalOne.Onceagain,that’sFlight86A,thehourlyshuttlefromCairo.TerminalOne.Annieenterscarryingluggage.Ediswaitingforher.ANNIE:Ed!ED:Annie!Howwas–ANNIE:Howwasmyflight?Notgreat.Spidermanwasthein-flightmovie.Andyeesh!Let’sjustsaythatwaspoorlydirected.Butletmetellyouaboutmyexpedition.IfoundthemissingpagesfromtheBookoftheDead.ED:Whatcondi–ANNIE:Whatconditionaretheyin?Takealook.Theyhaven’tagedadayin3000years.Maybelonger.ED:Whendo–ANNIE:Whendowebeginthetranslations?Tonight.Ihopeeverythingisallsetwithmyfather.Ihaven’tspokenwithhiminaweek.There’snophoneinthecabin.We’lltakeyourcar;it’lltakeusaboutanhourtogetthere.ED:Youhinted–ANNIE:Yes.Ididhintinmytelegramthatmyfatherwasontosomethinginthefirstpartofhistranslations.ED:What–ANNIE:WhatwasithefoundintheBookoftheDead?Probablynothing.Butjustpossibly,adoorwaytoanotherworld.ED:There–ANNIE:ThanksforpointingthatoutEd.Theredoesappeartobeaslighttearinmysleeve.ED:You–

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ANNIE:You’reright.Wecanfixitwhenwegettothecabin.(AnnieandEdbegintoexit).ED:I–ANNIE:Oh,ImissedyoutooEd.ED:G–ANNIE:No,I’mgladwefinallyhadachancetotalk.AnnieandEdexit.

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SCENE7Nighttime,inthecabin.Ashisplayingthetaperecorderbyhimselfinthecorner.Cherylislookingoutthewindow.Lindaisholdingaboardgame.PROF(Ontape):It’sonlybeenafewhourssinceI’vetranslatedandspokenaloudthefirstofthedemonresurrectionpassagesfromtheBookoftheDead.MayGodforgivemeforwhatIhaveunleasheduntothisearth.IhaveseenthedarkshadowsmovinginthewoodsandIhavenodoubtthatwhateverIhaveresurrectedthroughthisbookissuretocomecalling…forme.LINDA:Ashhoney,whydon’tyoustopplayingaroundwiththattape.Whydon’tweplayagame?ASH:Inalittlebit,baby.LINDA:Okay.Scott,Shelly,youguyswannaplayagame?SCOTT(offstage):Coming.Scottenters,followedbyShelly.SCOTT:Whatareweplaying?LINDA:Let’splayGuesstheWord.SHELLY:Howdoyouplaythat?LINDA:Well,I’llgiveyousomecluesandyoutrytoguesstheword.Shellylooksconfused.LINDA:Okay,firstword.It’sbig.It’sgreen.Itgoesinthewater.SHELLY:Toaster.LINDA:Close.Ummm…BlankDundee.Itrhymeswithrockodile.Startswitha“C”.SHELLY:Coaster.LINDA:No.No,thewordwasCrocodile.Okaynextcard.It’swhenyou’replayingfootballandyouscore,it’sa–

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SHELLY:Arouge!CHERYL:Atouchdown.LINDA:Right,Cheryl.Okay,whenyoueatlunchonablanketinapark,it’sa…CHERYL:Picnic.LINDA:Okay,whenIgo–CHERYL:Butcher.LINDA:Right.Okay,it’sa–CHERYL:VitaminC.Theyalllookateachotherstrangely.Lindagoesthroughthecardsquickly.CHERYL(continuing):Muscle,porridge,dentalfloss,quintuplets,hamster.SCOTT(buzzingagain):She’sbeenstudyingthecards.Nobody’sthatgoodatGuesstheWord.LINDA:Cheryl,iseverythingokay?(Hornhits.)Cherylturnsandrevealsshe’sademon.SONG:LOOKWHO’SEVILNOWCHERYL:Whyhaveyoudisturbedoursleep?Awakenedusfromourancientslumber?Youwilldie!Nightmareisbeforeyou.Likeothersbeforeyou,you’regonnatumble.OnebyoneWe’regonnatakeyou.OnebyoneNothingyoucandoOnebyoneYou’llsurelyfallOnebyoneWe’regonnakillyouall.

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NowI’llaskyouaquestion,notwhereorwhyorhow!ButWHO?Lookwho’sevilnow?PossessedCherylcollapsesonthefloor.SCOTT:Whatthehellhappenedtoher?Imean,I’veseengamesofGuesstheWordbringouttheworstinpeople,butthat’sfuckingridiculous.ASH:Guys,Ithinkthatwhenweplayedthattape,someevilforcemusthavebeenawakenedthattookoverCheryl’ssoulandmadeherademon.SCOTT:Thanksfortheupdate,CSIMiami.Ithinktherestofusfiguredthatoneoutalready.LINDA:Didyouseehereyes?OhAsh,I’mscared.What’swrongwithher?ASH:I’mnodoctor,butshelookssick.Let’sputablanketonher.AshpustheblanketonherandjustlikeJamesBrownshehopsupandthrowstheblanketoff.Themusickicksinagain.(hornhits)CHERYL:Whooaaaaaaaaa!!Sockittomebaby!Lookwho’sevilLookwho’sevilLookwho’sevilnowIsaidlookwho’sevilLookwho’sevilLookwho’sevilnowIheardyousuckersmockingmeandcallingmeaprudeLet’sseeifyou’restilllaughingwhenIripoutyourfallopiantubesI’lltwistyourfunbagsandbeatyourbrowneyeblueThenI’llsmashyoursackandmaketesticlefondueJusttryandfuckwithmeI’llshowyouwhereyourgraveisIfbeingevil’scoolConsidermeMilesDavisNowI’llaskyouaquestion,notwhereorwhyorhowButWHOLookwho’sevilnow?

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(spoke)NowItoldyouearlierIwouldtakeyoualloutonebyone,andI’mnotonetomakefalsepromises,sokids,let’skickit!FirstAsh,I’llwhoopyourassThenScott,I’llbustyournutThenShelly,I’llslashyourbellyThenLinda,I’llstickapencilinya!CherylstabsLindaintheanklewithapencil.LINDA(spoken):Myankle!Ican’twalk.ASH:Takehertothebedroomandmakesureshe’sokay.CHERYL(sings):Youcan’tstopmeYoucan’tstopmeYoucan’tstopmenowIsayyoucan’tstopmeYoucan’tstopmeYoucan’tstopmenowScottandAshgrabCherylasshesingsandthrowherinthecellar.AshandScottstayonthetrapdoortoholditdown.CHERYL:Youdidn’tstopme.Youdidn’tstopme.Youjustdelayedmemomentarily.Who’sthestupidbitchnowScotty?Who’sthestupidbitchnow?Theyslamthetrapdoorshut.SCOTT:ThisisfreakingmeoutAsh.ASH:Metoobuddy.Metoo.Imeanmysisterjustturnedintoademon.SCOTT:Andaprettyfuckin’foulmoutheddemonaswell.ArewegonnabeokayAsh?CHERYL:(poppingup)Deadbydawn.You’llallbedeadbydawn!

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ASH:Uh.YeahScotty.We’regonnabefine.Perfectlyfine.Well,wewillbefinejustaslongasnooneelseinourpartyturnsintoademon.SHELLY:(screamsfromthebedroom)AHHHHHHHHHHH!ASH:Fuck!(hornhits)SHELLY:Lookwho’sevilnow!SCOTT:(spoken)NotShellytoo!SHELLY:Ohmygod,likelookatmeandmyevildemonbodNowwatchmejamthishighheelstraightupyourloverodI’lltearyourbodyintoshreds,andbeatyouwithhisballsThenI’llswallowupyoursoulwithoutgaggin’atallI’msexyI’mcuteAndsoeviltobootI’dkillyouwiththeseguns,butIdon’tthinktheyshootNowI’llaskyouaquestionCHERYL:(spoken)Singit!SHELLY:NotwhereorwhyorhowButWHOLookwho’sevilnow?SHELLY:NowScott,sinceyouweresokindastotakemeonthistrip,I’vegraciouslydecidedthatyou’regoingtobethefirstoneIwilltakewithme!CHERYL:Doyourthinggirl!SHELLYANDCHERYL:Joinus,Joinus,Joinus,Joinus…SCOTT:Dude,grabthefuckinggun!Shoother!Shootit!AsShellygetscloserandclosertoScott,Ashpicksupthegunfromthecorner.ASH:Ican’tshootShelly.She’safriendofours.

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SCOTT:GoddammitAsh,Ipickedupthatskankdrunkinabarthreedaysago…AshthrowstheguntoScott.ScottshootsShelly.SONG:WHATTHEFUCKWASTHATASH&SCOTT:Whatthefuckwasthat?SCOTT:YoursisterhasturnedintoazombieASH&SCOTT:Whatthefuckwasthat?ASH:YourgirlfriendwasademontooASH&SCOTT:Whatthefuckwasthat?SCOTT:Shejustrippedmypre-rippedAbercrombieASH&SCOTT:Whatthefuckwasthat?ASH:IgotsomeShellyonmyshoe.ASH&SCOTT:WhatdarknesslurksbeyondthiswoodedsanctumWhatthefuckwasthat?SCOTT:Dude,thesehoe’sbeenzombified!Icannotstayhereanymore.I’mgettingoutofhere.ASH:No,wecannotleave,Linda’sanklewon’tmakeitIfear.SCOTT:Icannotstay–Ikilledmylay!Imustgonow.

30

ASH:Youcan’tgonow!SCOTT:Imust!ASH:Youcan’t!SCOTT:Bitchesoutforblood–Ican’ttakethisanymore.SingingsimultaneouslyASH:Wedon’tevenknowifthere’sawayback,Exceptforthatdamnbrokenfootbridge!JustlistentomeLindacan’twalk.Cannothike.Can’tevenstand!SCOTT:Gottago!!Rightnow!I’llfindaroadWhereI’llflagdownavan!NoIwon’t!It’stimetogo!Thenwe’llleaveher,that’sourbrand-newplan!!ASH&SCOTT:Whatthefuckwasthat?ASH:Scottdon’tleavemeallaloneASH&SCOTT:Necronomicon.TheBookoftheDead.ASH:Thechant–

31

SCOTT:Acurse–ASH:Thechicks–SCOTT:I’mgone!ASH&SCOTT:Whatthefuckwasthat?It’stheEvilDead!ExitScott.Slammingdoor.

32

SCENE8CHERYL:Ican’tbelieveyoulethimwalkoutonyoulikethat…Scottfree.ASH:ShutupCheryl.CHERYL:Where’sherushingto?Iguesshe’sScott’stogo.ASH:Shutup.CHERYL:ThatScottsuremadelikeatree…andleft.ASH:Stopit.CHERYL:Iwaslookingforwardtobitingintohisflesh.ThecommercialssayScott’sisthesoftesttissue.ASH:Ohcomeon,that’sawful.CHERYL:I’mawful?You’reawfulAsh.Lookwhatyou’vedone.Justkilledagirl.Youlockedyourownsisterinthecellar.Yourgirlfriendissohurtshecan’tevenwalk.Yourbestfriendabandonedyou.Andyou,Ashley.Lookatyou.You’regoingmad.ASH:I’mnotgoingmad.I’mnot.I’mnotgoingmad.CHERYL:Whydon’tyoujustacceptyourfateandjoinusAshley.Joinus!SONG:JOINUSCHERYL:Don’tyouwannajointhecrewYou’llbedeadandeviltooThecoolestthingtodoIsjoinusYourlifesucksyouknow,WorkingS-Mart’sgottablowDon’tbejustafuckin’schmoAndjoinusYou’llbedeadwithnoremorseAndbehunglikeahorseYoucanevenbangacorpseIfyoujoinus

33

ImagineallthefunIftoevilyousuccumbSojustlaydownthatbiggun(Satanicallyspoken)andjoinourdarkarmyofevilCandarianDemonsasweconquerthislandandtakeovereachandeverysouloftheliving!ASH:No.No.I’mnotgoingtojoinyou.Never!CHERYL:What’stheproblemAsh?Don’tyouwanttolookbeautiful,likeme!ASH:Beautifullikeyou?Please.I’dratherlooklikethismoose!AshpointstotheMooseHeadonthewallwhichspringstolife.MOOSE:Whythankyou!!ASH:Thedeadmoose!Themoosebiteshishand.ASH:Ahhhhhh!MOOSE:(laughing)ActuallyI’maCandarianDemonMoose,andI’mheretotellyouallaboutallthefunandexcitementyou’llexperienceifyoutakeusuponourofferandjoinus!(sung)Can’tyouseewe’llhaveascreamEvil’sfunnerthanitseemsYou’llplayonoursoftballteamIfyoujoinusSuddenlyallofthecabin;thepictures,thebooks,thefridge…prettywelleverythinginthecabin–comestolifeandmoveswiththemusic.HOUSESPIRITS:Joinus!We’llallhaveaballOrganizeabigpubcrawlAndspendSunday’satthemallIfyoujoinusCHERYL:Youcanspeakourevilslang

34

EvengrowsomeevilfangsYou’llscoresomeeviltangIfyoujoinusMOOSE:BeingevilisdivineYou’llbedeadbutsorefinedPartylikeit’sninety-nine(Satanicallyspoken)Ifyoujoinourevilforcesasweenslaveallmankind,chewontheirtinybrainsandbatheintheirhot,bubblingblood!!!ASH:AHHHHHH!Allofyoushutup!Especiallyyou,Moose.Shutup!CHERYL:Someonehasn’tbeenwatchingtheDiscoveryChannel.EveryoneknowsonceMoosegetsinging,theynevershutup.MOOSE:Wenevershutup.ASH:That’sit!I’mGettingLindaandwearegettingoutofthisplace!Thedoorofthecabinslamsshutandlocks.CHERYLANDMOOSE:YoucantryandtakeastandButwehavegotyourhandASH:Whatareyoutalkingabout?CHERYLANDMOOSE:It’snotquitewhatweplannedButnowwe’vegotyourhand.ASH:Whydoyoukeepsayingthat?CHERYLANDMOOSE:We’vegotyourhand,Yesit’struewe’vegotyourhand,Yeswe’vefinallygotyouhandTojoinus.ThestuffedBeaveronthecounterspringstolife.BEAVER:Haha!

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ASH:What?You’vegotmyhandtojoinyou?Noyoudon’t,youbastards.Whydoyoukeepsayingyougotmyhandtojoinyou,huh?Whydoyoukeepsayingthat?HandattacksAsh.CHERYL:(childishly)We’vegotyourhand!We’vegotyourhand!ASH:Youbastards!Youdirtybastards!Givemebackmyhand!Givemebackmyhaaaaand!!!Ashandhishandgetintoanelaboratefight.Thewallsandcontentsofthecabinstartmovingnon-stop.Afteralongbattle,Ashleadshishandtothekitchenwherehegrabsachainsawandcutshishandoffasbloodgushesintohisface.ASH:Who’slaughingnow,eh?Who’slaughingnow?!?

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SCENE9Thewoods.AnnieandEdarewalking,lost.ANNIE:Itshouldberightaroundhere,Ed.ED:Maby–ANNIE:You’reright.Maybeweshouldaskfordirections.(toJake)Excuseme,strangemanwanderingthroughthewoodsalone.IsthistheroadtotheKnowbycabin?JAKE:Firstly,Iwasn’tsupposedtobewanderingthesewoodsalone.IwassupposedtobewithmylovelywifeBobbieJo.ButIfiguredwiththatCherylgirlgettingattackedbytreesandall;BobbieJowouldhaveappearedabituselessandredundant.ANNIE:Whatdidyousay?JAKE:Nothing.ANNIE:Well,gettingbackontopic,isthistheroadtotheKnowbycabin?JAKE:That’sright.Andyouain’tgoingthere.(toED)Youneither.ED:(givingupwithoutafight)Okay–ANNIE:Andwhynot?Jakelightsamatch,whichridiculouslylightstheotherhalfofthestage,revealingthedestroyedbridge.JAKE:Thebridgeisout.ED:(quitting)Itseems–ANNIE:Ed’sright.Theremustbeanotherwayin.There’sgottobeanotherroadorsomething.JAKE:Sureashellain’tnoroad.(toED)Whythehelldoyouwanttogoupthereforanyway?Huh?ED:(abouttotellhim)Well–ANNIE:That’snoneofyourbusiness.

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JAKE:Hey!Ijustremembered.Well,yeah…that’sright.Thereisatrail.Youcouldfollowme.Butit’llcostya.ANNIE:Howmuch?JAKE:(toAnnie)FortyFi–(toED)Hundredbucks.Edmakesforhiswallettogladlypay.ED:Here–ANNIE:YourrightEd.Howdoweknowifthisguy’sevenreliable?JAKE:(toEd)Reliable!Whyyounogood,city-slicking,over-cologned,V-necksweater-wearingson-of-a-gun,withyourflappin’lipsandpompous-assattitude!HowdoyouknowifI’mreliable?!?SONG:GOODOLDRELIABLEJAKEJAKE:Who’stheworld’smostreliablehumanbeing?Who’stheonefolkscallforhelpwitheverything?Who’stheonemanyoucountonwhenyourlifeisatstake?It’sgoodoldreliableJake.Whocanhelpyouwhenyou’velostyourkeys?Orwhenyouneeddoubleby-passsurgeryWhocanbeyourpartnerinthetwo-manluge?Andwhocansneakadeadhookeroutyourhotelroom?Wo’severyseniorcitizen’sfavoritemimeAndwhocanpassCourvoisiertoBustaRhymez?WhowastheinspirationfortheShamrockShakeIt’sgoodoldreliableJake.WhoinventedtheformulaforCrazyGlueAndwho’snailedallthechicksontheViewWhowasthelastmantowalkonthemoonAndwhowontheirfourthOscarfordirectingPlatoon?Who’sthepointguardfortheMemphisGrizzlesAndwhocoinedthephrase,“ForShizzleMyNizzle”Itwasmecan’tyousee,Iain’tnofakeI’mgoodoldreliableJake!

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DoyoubelieveIcangetyoudownthatpath?ANNIE:IbelieveJAKE:AnddoyoubelievethatIcangetyoutothecabin?ANNIE(overED):IbelieveJAKE:YouneedaguidetogetyouthroughthemwoodsAndIknowthattrailandIknowsitgood.Youcantrustinmethere’snomistakeI’mgoodoldreliableJake.Youcantrustinme,there’snomistakeI’mgoodoldreliableJake.ANNIE:ReallyEd?Afterallthat,youstilldon’tthinkhe’sreliable?JAKE:Goddammint!!!(abouttopummelEd–Annieholdshimback)Nowyounogoodcityslickersfollowme.I’lltakeyoutothatdangcabin.

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SCENE10WereturntothecabintofindAshduct-tapinghisstub.Hisseveredhandisonthemantle.ASH:Hand,we’vehadsomegoodtimestogether.Ineverthoughtitwouldendlikethis.Ashturnsandthehandpopsupandrunsacrossthecountertop.Ashturnsbackthinkingsomethingisdifferentbutcan’tfigureitout.ASH:LikeIwassayingHand,yougotmethroughmoreFridaynightsthenI’dliketoadmit.Thehandgivesamasturbationmovement.ASH:DamnyouHand!Ashtriestohitthehandandinsteadpainfullybangshisstump.Thehandrunsoff.Ashputsatrashcanoverit.ASH:Thereisyournewhome.Thetrashcanrunsaway,Ashliftsit,holdsituptohisfaceandthehandgrabshisface.Hethrowsthehandsaway.CHERYL:You’retougherthanIthoughtAsh.Gottahandittoyoubrother.ASH:Shutup.CHERYL:Let’shearitfortheboy.Let’sgivetheboyahand.ASH:Stopit.CHERYL:What’syourfavoriteanimalatthezoo?Thehandabear?ASH:Enough!CHERYL:Okay,then…who’syourfavoritecastmemberonWho’stheBoss?TonyHand-za?ASH:TonyHand-za.Thatdoesn’tevenmakesense!Ashjumpsonthecellardoor.Scottbargesinthedoor,bloodied.SCOTT:Ash!Ash!ASH:Ohmygod!

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SCOTT:Helpme!ASH:Scotty!SCOTT:Dude,where’syourhand?ASH:Don’tworryaboutit.Scotty!You’regoingtobeokay.You’regoingtobejustfine.You’llsee.Whathappenedtoyou?SCOTT:Ash.It’snotgoingtoletusleave.We’reallgoingtodiehere!ASH:No,we’renotallgoingtodie!We’regoingtogetoutofhere.Now,thesunwillbeupinafewhoursorsoandwecanallgetoutofheretogether.You,me,Linda,Shelly.Hmmm…Well…notShelly,youshotherthroughthedoor–NowlistentomeScotty.Isthereawayaroundthatbridge?Scotty!ListentomepleaseforGod’ssake!Scott!Isthereawayaroundthebridge?SCOTT:There’saway.Atrail.Butthetrees,Ash.Theyknow.Don’tyouseeAsh?They’realive!Itwon’tletusleave.Ash–deathisabitch.Astupidbitch.Scottdies.ASH:Scotty.Scott!NOOOO!!!CHERYL:Ash,inallthatcommotion,itlookslikeIaccidentallyscratchedyourfavoriteRayParkerJralbum.ASH:NOOOOOO!!!MOOSE:Andbytheway,Ash.Iwasn’tgoingtosayitearlier,butyourpantslookliketheyhaveaprettynastymustardstainonthem.AndifIknowmustardstainslikeIthinkIdo,thatain’tcomingout.ASH:NOOOOOOOO!!!Whatelsecangowrongtoday?(hornhits,Lindaentersademon)LINDA:Lookwho’sevilnow!ASH:NOOOOOO!CHERYL:Wegotyourgirlfriend!Wegotyourgirlfriend!ASH:Shutup,willyou?Shutup!(indisbelief)No,notyouLinda.Linda.Linda!

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AshshakesLinda.Itdoesn’tfazeher,shestartslaughingmaniacally.ASH(continues):Linda,comeback.Comeback.Scottspringsbacktolife.SCOTT:Ash!Killher!Killherdude!She’sfuckin’evil.Hediesagain.CHERYL:Killherifyoucan,loverboy.ASH:Now,forgivemeLinda.IguessIgottadowhatIgottado.AshdrawsthegunonPossessedLindaandshereturnstonormal.SONG:HOUSEWARESEMPLOYEE(reprise)LINDA:IhavetoaskaquestiontothegodsaboveASH:Howcanthisbereal?LINDA:Howwerewedeemedworthyofthisperfectlove?I’llaskthetrees.I’llaskthesky.I’llaskthewholewideworld.ASH:AlovesotrueandpureAlovetolastforsureLINDA:Howdidahousewaresemployeelandtheperfectgirl?LINDAANDASH:HowdidtheperfectgirllandahousewaresemployeeASH:IloveyouLinda.LINDA:PleaseAsh…pleasedon’thurtme.Youswore–yousworethatwe’dalwaysbetogether.Iloveyou.

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ASH:No,Iwon’t.Iwon’t.Ipromise.IloveyoutooLinda.AshhearsCheryl’sregularvoicethroughtheclosedcellardoor.CHERYL:Ashley.Ashley,helpme.I’mallrightnowAshley.ASH:Cheryl?CHERYL:Unlockthischainandletmeout.ASH:Cheryl?Scottspringsbacktolifewithevenmoregutshangingoutofhim.SCOTT:Don’tdoitdude.She’sstillademon.Bothofthosebitchesare.(noticinghisgutsstickingoutofhisstomach)Shit.Scottdiesagain.ASH:SorryScotty.Thatisstillmysisterdownthere.I’mafraidI’mgoingtohavetoignoreyourdyingwishandopenthatcellardoor.ThepossessedCherylopensthecellar,grabsAsh,buthegetsawayandclosesthecellaronheragain.SCOTT:(springingbacktolife)DUDE!ITOLDYOUSO!(lookingatmoreguts)Fuck!(diesagain)CHERYL:(mockingly)I’mallrightnowAshley!ComeunlockthischainandletmeoutHahaha!Dumbass!ASH:Ahyoubastards!Whyareyoutorturingmelikethis?Why?(hornhits)LINDA:Lookwho’sevilnow!ASH:Nooo!AshturnsandrealizesthatLindaisademonagain.LindajumpsonAsh’sback,attackinghim.LINDA:We’regoingtogetyou.We’regoingtogetyou.Notanotherpeep.Timetogotosleep.We-hahahahahahaha!AshdragspossessedLindaintothekitchen.

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LINDA:YourloverismineandnowsheburnsinHell!SCOTT:(jumpsupagain)Dude!Fuckinglistentome!Chopoffherhead.Fuck!(diesagain)ASH:I’msorryLinda,I’vegottodothis.I’vegottochopoffyourhead.LINDA:We’regonnagetyou.We’regonna–Ashtakesanaxeandchopsoffherhead.Heexitskitchenholdingtheheadinonehand,thenecklaceintheother.ASH:IgottaadmitLinda,thisisn’tthetypeofheadIwasexpectingfromyouthisweekend.(hanginghernecklaceonthewall)Iguessyouwon’tbeneedingthisanymore.LINDA:Notmuchofanecklacewhenyoudon’thaveaneck.ASH:You’restillalive?LINDA:Aliveandbiting!ASH:Myhand.You’rebitingmyonlygoodhand.Owwww!Isaidforyoutodiealready.Don’tmakemeaxeyouagain.Ashwrestleswiththisheadbitinghishand.Finally,heputsitonthecountertop.ASH:You’regoingdown.Chainsaw.LINDA:It’suseless.Useless.Linda’sheadlessbody(alargeguywholooksnothinglikeher)runsinwiththechainsaw.LINDA:Mybodywillgetyou.Mybody!IalwaystoldyouIhadakillerbody!ThebodychasesAshwithhechainsaw.AshjumpsoverScott–thebodytriestofollow,buttriponScott.ASH:Nowit’stimetodie,youoldhag.LINDA:Youfoundmebeautifulonce.ASH:Honey,yougotrealugly.Ashshootsthebodywiththegun.

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SONG:I’MNOTAKILLERASH:I’mnotakillerI’manS-MartemployeeAndtokillaco-workerIsagainstcompanypolicyButyoutriedtokillmeSonowImustsaygood-byeI’msorryLindaButnowyoumustdie.DiediediediediediediediediediediedieOh,die.Oh,die.Ashtakesthechainsawtoherhead.Bloodsplatterseverywhere.Annie,EdandJakeenter.ANNIE:Daddy,I’mhome.ASH:Thisisn’tabadasitlooks.CURTAIN

ENDOFACTONE

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ACTTWO

SCENE1Inasceneidenticaltothepreviousone,AshischoppingLinda’sheadwiththechainsaw.Butunliketheendofthelastact,Linda’srealheadisreplacedbyamannequinheadandthebodiesinthecornerarenotthereanymore.SONG:I’MNOTAKILLER(reprise)ASH:DiediediediediedieOh,die.Oh,die.Annie,EdandJakeenter.ANNIE:Daddy,I’mhome.ASH:Thisisn’tasbadasitlooks.JAKE:Howinthefuckcouldthisnotbeasbadasitlooks?ASH:Wellsure,there’sonebloodydismemberedhead.Butatleastthere’snotahugepileofbodiesinthecorneranymore.ANNIE:OhmyGod!Whereismyfather?EdgoesforAsh.ED:Whatdid–AnniecutshimoffandlungesatAshinstead.ANNIE:Whatdidyoudotohim?Wherethehellishe?Oh,andnowyourippedmyshirtsleeve.(Annieripsoffapartofhersleeve)Youheathen!(SheturnstoJake)Getthismurderousbeastoutofmyfather’scabin!JAKE:Willdo.ASH:Waitaminute,Chief.Let’stalkaboutthis.JakeknocksAshoutwithonepunch.

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ASH:(halfunconscious)Wait.Pleasedon’t.Thetrees.Wait.Please.Thetrees.ANNIE:Ihopeyourotoutthere.TheythrowAshoutthedoorandputachainonit.ANNIE:Daddy?Daddy?Ohmygod.Daddy?Myfatherisn’there.Butthesearehisthings.Wherecanhebe?Annieplaysthetape.PROF:(ontape)It’sonlybeenafewhourssinceI’vetranslatedandspokenaloudthefirstofthedemonresurrectionpassagesfromtheBookoftheDead.ANNIE:(toED)Shhh…Listenup.Thisismyfather’svoice.PROF:(ontape)NowIfearthatCandarianDemonshaveovertakenthesegrounds.MayGodforgivemeforwhatIhaveunleasheduntothisearth.ANNIE:CandarianDemons?ASH:Wahhhhhhhhhh!Ashslamsonthewindowtryingtogetbackin.Treebranchesarevisiblyhittinghim.JAKE:Whatthehellisthat?ANNIE:Something’souttherewithhim!ASH:Ah!Ah!Letmein!Thetrees!They’realive!Thetreesarealive!JAKE:Thetreesarealive!ANNIE:Wellofcoursethetreesarealive,Jake,theyareautotrophicorganisms.Butthisisnotimeforasciencelesson…ThetreeskeeppoundingAshintheface.ASH:Letmein.Helpmeplease!ANNIE:Lethimin.JAKE:It’satrick,Iknowit!

47

ANNE:Lethimin.Annieopensthedoor,Ashrunsin,wrestleswiththetreesabitmore,andshutsthedoorbehindhim.ASH:(outofbreath)Allright,noonegoesoutthatdoortonight.Also,whateveryoudo,don’tgonearthecellar!ED:Thecella–Edwalksbythetrapdoor,Cherylopensthedoor.CherylattacksEd,andhefalls.CHERYL:I’llgetyouAsh.I’mlikealiteralHulkHogan.I’llgetyoubrother!ASH:Shutup!CHERYL:We’relikethatColumbiaHouse10CDsforapennyclub.Soonerorlater,you’lljoinus!ASH:Shutup!CHERYL:I’mlikeDomDelouiseatanallyouaneatfishhouse–I’llswallowyoursoul.ASH:Shutup!CHERYL:It’llbelikeyouwerekilledbysomeguywhosefirstnamehappenstobeDon–you’llbedeadbydawn!!!ASH:That’sit!Ashslamsthecellarshutagain.JAKE:Whatinthegoddamnisgoingonaroundhere?ASH:It’sanoldtale.You’veprobablyhearditahundredtimes.Boyandhisfriendsgoonaweek-longvacationinthewoods.ThreefriendsturnintoCandarianDemons.Onefriendiskilledbyaforestofeviltrees.Twodemonsarekilledbytheirboyfriendsrespectively,whileonestaysinthecellartryingtokilleverythinginsight.LikeIsaid,prettystandardstuff.ANNIE:Anddoallthesedemonsonlyspeakinbadpuns?ASH:No,asfarasIcantellshe’stheonlyonewhodoesthat.ANNIE:Yetshe’stheonlyoneyouletlive?

48

ASH:Yeah–sorryaboutthat.ANNE:(overlydramatic)Thequestionnowis…howdowestopthis?ASH:Ihavenoidea.JAKE:Wellthat’sgoddamngreat.ANNIE:Myfatherwouldknowhowtostopit.ASH:Wellhoney,yourdaddyain’there.So,theonlythingwecandoisstayputandridethisout‘tildawn.JAKE:That’sashittyidea.I’mnotstayinginthisshittyshithole‘tilmorning.I’mgoing.I’mgoingtogetonthattheretrail–ASH:Nobody’sgoingoutthatdoor,nottilldaylight.JAKE:Nowyoulistentome–ASH:No,youlistentome.JAKE:No,ifoneofusisgoingtobedoingthelistening…it’syou…listeningtome.ASH:No,no,no!Whenitcomestolistening…

49

SCENE2(hornhits)ED:Lookwho’s–ANNIE:Ohmygod–Lookwho’sevilnow!ED:Fuck!JAKE:Goddamnit–runforyourlives.AnnieandJakescreamandrunforthedoor.ANNIE:Ash,run.ASH:Idon’tthinkso.ANNIE:You’renotscared?ASH:Notatall.Yousee,wheneveryouencounteraflockofdeadites,youhavetorealizethereisahierarchyaboutthewholething.ED:Grrrrr!ASH:Simmerdownthere,buddy.There’sthebig-timedemonswhoposeaseriousthreatandthenthere’swhatIliketocall‘bitpartdemons.’ANNIE:‘Bitpartdemons?’ASH:Yes,yes.Bonafideextras.Nothingspecialaboutthem.Theyprettymuchwaitaroundforyoutokillthem.They’dneverkillaguylikeme…themainman…thehero,ifyouwill.It’sjustnothowthesestoriestendtogo.Andthat‘swhoyouarebuddy,abitpartdemonSexcusemefornotbeingscared.CHERYL:(openingcellardoor)AndI’mnotonetoagreewiththeliving.ButAshisright.Youareabitplayerinthiswholething.You’dneverkillaguylikehim.Never.ASH:Right.Yousee?ANNIE:That’snotfair.He’snotabitpartdemon.

50

ASH:Comeon.Hehasn’tevenspokenmorethanthreewordsallnight.Wedon’tevenknowhisname.ANNIE:Hisnameis–ED:It’sEd.Well,EvilEdnow.Andyoudon’thavetodefendmeAnnie–they’reright.They’recompletelyright…SONG:BITPARTDEMONED:I’mthatguyyouseeIneveryhorrorflick,Youwouldn’tremembermeIcomeandgotooquick.Youwouldn’tknowmynameIhardlyevenspeakaline;Iftheherokillsahundreddemons,I’dbetheforgettablenumberthirty-nine.CauseI’mabitpartdemonAsmall-timemisfit;I’dsayyou’llbedeadbydawn;ButIdon’treallymeanit.I’mathreattonoone,TheotherdeaditesmakefunOfme–EvilEddy,Thebitpartdemon.ANNIE:(spoken)Butdon’tyousee,Ed.We’vebeenlisteningtoyoutalkforthepasttwominutes.You’vesaidawholelotjustnow…justyou.You’renotabitpartdemonanymore.You’realeadplayer.Astar.ED:(spoken)You’reright!(sings)NowIseeThatthistrendhasbeendisruptedI’vesaidmorethanfivewordsWithoutbeinginterruptedI’mabitpartnomore

51

MycharactershadaswingNowit’stimeforthisdemonTosing,sing,SING!Edgrabstophatandcane.I…Beforehecanrockout–EdisshotdeadbyAsh.Hefallsonthesideofthestageandremainstherefortherestoftheshow.ASH:Nowyou’llhaveabitpart…inhell.

52

SCENE3ANNIE:Ed!OhEd!(wailing)ED!!!ASH:Areyoustillmourningoverthathalf-wit?Getoverit,woman.ANNIE:Myboyfriendjustdiedthreesecondsago.ASH:Iknow.It’stimetomoveonwithyourlife.That’swhy–ANNIE:Buthewas–ASH:Hey,don’tinterruptme.ANNIE:Buthe–ASH:Isaiddon’tinterruptme.Listenbaby,I’mnotsomepreppyboytoymonkeyboyyoucanjustpusharound,see.Ikilledthatguyalready.ANNIE:Howcanyoubesoheartless?Sobad?ASH:Good…bad…I’mtheguywiththegun.ANNIE:Istilldon’tknowwhatyou’reevendoinghereinthiscabin!ASH:Icouldaskyouthesamequestion.ANNIE:It’smyfamily’scabin.ASH:DidIask?ANNIE:AreallmenfromMichigansuchloud-mouthedbraggarts?ASH:Nope.Justmebaby…Justme.Jakeisignoringthisargument,staringoutthewindow.JAKE:That’sfunny.ASH:What?JAKE:Thattrailwecameinhereon.Itjustain’ttherenomore.Like,likethewoodsjustswallowedherup.

53

ASH:HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyou?Thosewoodshaveamindoftheirown.They’reevil.That’swhywecan’tgooutthere.Not‘tildawn.ANNIE:Listentohim,Jake.JAKE:Whatthe…youmeanyoubelievethispsychoandhishoohajibberjabber?ANNIE:Sure,hemighthavebrokenintomyproperty,killedmyboyfriend,andpossiblykilledmyfather…butforsomereason,Itrusthim.JAKE:(underhisbreath)Ohforfuck’ssake!SFX:Crickets.ANNIE:It’ssoquiet.SFX:Loud,crazysounds.JAKE:Whatinthebluehellwasthat?ASH:Maybesomethingtryingtoforceitswayintoourworld?ANNIE:That’sexactlywhatIthinkeverytimeIhearaweirdnoise.JAKE:Itcamefromoverthere.ASH:We’llallgotogether.JAKE:Hellno,you’rethecuriousone.Ashheadstowardsthedoor.ANNIE:Hey.I’llgowithyou.AnniejoinsAsh.Jakefollowsbehind,notwantingtobealone.JAKE:Shit,Itoldyouthereweren’tnothingouttherenohow.Thenaspiritappearstobeabiglightingeffect,whichthenbuildsupto…theghostappearingwithaflashlightunderhischin.JAKE:HolyMothero’Mercy.It’saghost.ANNIE:It’smydad.

54

ASH:It’saghostdad!ANNIE:Daddy!!SPIRITOFKNOWBY:Annie.Thereisadarkspiritherethatwantstodestroyyou.Yoursalvationliesthere.Inthepagesofthebook.Recitethepassages.Dispeltheevil.Savemysoul.Andyourownlives!Theghostdisappears.

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SCENE4ASH:Thatasweird.ANNIE:Myfather…he’s…he’sdead.ASH:Yeah,sureseemsthatway.ANNIE:He’sdead.Gone.He’s…he’s…Ican’tbelievethisishappeningagain.Ijustcan’tbelievethisishappeningagain.ASH:What’shappeningagain?ANNIE:Wellifyouinsistonprying,lately,I’vebeennoticingsomewhatofatrendinmylife,andeverytimeIthinkit’sabouttogoaway,itcreepsinagain.ASH:Whatcouldpossiblybewrong?ANNIE:Well,allthemeninmylifekeepgettingkilledbyCandariandemons.ASH:Whatwasthat?ANNIE:Isaid…SONG:ALLTHEMENINMYLIFEKEEPGETTINGKILLEDBYCANDARIANDEMONSANNIE:AllthemeninmylifeKeepgettingkilledbyCandarianDemons.ASH:AllthemeninyourlifekeepgettingkilledbyCandariandemons?ANNIE:FirsttherewasEdAreallyniceguyDidn’ttalktoomuchButIdidn’tmindIwasallsetTomarryhimButbeforewecouldconsummateEdwaskilledByaCandarianDemon.

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ASHANDJAKE:Candariandemon,Candariandemon,Candariandemon.ANNIE:ThentherewasdaddyASHANDJAKE:DaddyANNIE:WhoIcouldcountonASHANDJAKE:Ah-oooANNIE:HelovedtoreadtheNecronomiconASHANDJAKE:BookoftheDeadANNIE:HealsoenjoyedASHANDJAKE:Ah-oooANNIE:PlayingboardgamesASHANDJAKE:GoodfamilyfunANNIE:Buthecan’tsinkmybattleshipnowCauseDadwaskilledByaCandarianDemonASHANDJAKE:Candariandemon,Candariandemon,CandariandemonANNIE:Theysayloveiscruel,AndIbelievethem

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Myheart’salwaysbroh-hoho-kenCausethemeninmylifeKeepgettingkilledbyCandariandemons.ASH:Annie,baby,Iknowitseemsbadnow.Italwaysdoes.ButIthinkyou’reexaggeratingatouch,sugarbee.Imean,sureyourfatherandfiancéewerekilledbyCandarianDemons,butthat’sonlytwomen,isn’tit?Imeanthere’snowaythatALLofthemeninyourlifecouldhavebeenkilledbyCandariandemons.ANNIE:Ohno?ItwasHighSchoolASHANDJAKE:HighSchoolANNIE:SeniorPromASHANDJAKE:OhyeahANNIE:GoingwithmysteadyHowieBrahmASHANDJAKE:HowieBrahmANNIE:AperfectnightASHANDJAKE:HowieBrahm?ANNIE:LikeIalwaysdreamedASHANDJAKE:Littlegirl’sdreamANNIE:ButwhenStairwaytoHeavenbeganHowiewaskilledby

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ASHANDJAKE:DamnANNIE:ACandariandemonASHANDJAKE:Candariandemon,Candariandemon,CandariandemonANNIE:Allofmycollegeboyfriends,andmyone-nightstandsMymaleco-workers,andplatonicgayfriendsEverydateIgoonendsindemonbloodshedAndnowthatI’vemetyoutwoguys,Iknowyou’llASHandJAKE:Whatthefuck!?!ANNIE:Theysayloveiscruel,AndIbelievethemMyheart’salwaysbroh-hoho-kenCausethemeninmylifeAndImeanallthemeninmylifeEverysinglemaninmylifeKeepsgettingkilledByCandariandemonsASHANDJAKE:Candariandemons.

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SCENE5ANNIE:Don’tyouthinkit’sabitinappropriatetobetouchingme“there”rightnow?ASH:Baby,Iain’ttouchingnothing.AnnielookstoJake.Heholdsuphishandstoshowherit’snothim.Anniethenturnsandlooksdowntoseetheseveredhandislatchedontoherass.ASH:Goddammit,myhandagain!Ashgrabsthehandandtossesitthroughthekitchenbaywindow.Itappearsonthewindowledgeandgivesherthefingerandrunsoff.ANNIE:Ew.Gross.Whoknowswherethathandhasbeen.ASH:Luckily,Idoknowwherethathandhasbeen…butit’sstillprettygross.JAKE:That’sit!I’mgettingouttahere.Andwithallthisweirdshitgoingon,Iain’tgoingalone;youtwoarecomingwithme.ASH:Ifyou’retalkingaboutgoingbackoutinthosewoods,youcanforgetit.Youheardtheghost.Annie’sgottotranslatethosepassages.JAKE:Dammit.ANNIE:Okay,asfarasIcandeciphertherearetwoseparatepassages.Onetomanifesttheevilforcesintheflesh,andanothertotransportthemthroughariftintimeandspace.ASH:Itsueisluckyyounotonlyshowedupwiththesepagesimperativeforoursurvival,butyoualsoknowthelostlanguagerequiredtotranslatethemaswell.ANNIE:WellAsh,ifit’sanyconsolation,Ithinkwe’reprettyluckyyou’reheretoshootthingsforus.Iguesstogetherwemakeaprettygood—Astheygetcloser,Jakeshootsthegunintheair.JAKE:That’srightlovebirds!I’mrunningtheshownow.Andguesswhat?We’regoingtogooutthereinthemwoodsandheadhome.AndItoldyouIwasn’tgoingalone.ASH:Youidiot.Thosewoodsmutilatedmysister,killedmybestfriend,andwithyourowneyesyousawthembrutallyattackme.Whydoyoukeepinsistingongoingoutthere?JAKE:I’vegotnotimeforyour“commonsense.”We’regettingthehelloutofhere,allofus.

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ANNIE:Don’tyouunderstand?Withthesepages,atleastwehaveachance.JAKE:Bunchofmumbojumbobullshit!Thesepagesdon’tmeansquat.JakegrabsthepagesfromAnnieandthrowstheminthecellar.ANNIE:Nowthatwasjuststupid.JAKE:Besides,nowyoucityslickersain’tgotnochoice.Nowmove!Move.ASH:Look.You’renuts.JAKE:Isaidmove!ANNIE:No,youstupidfool.JAKE:I’llblowyourfuckingheadoff.I’myourleadernow.ASH:WellhelloMr.Fancy-Pants.Igotnewsforyoupal;youain’tleadin’buttwothingsrightnow.Jackandshit…andJacklefttown.JAKE:Ohreally–ya’bastard!JakeslamsAshwiththegun,knockinghimtothefloor.ANNIE:Nowwhatdidyoudothatfor?Andlook,nowIhaveanotherripinmyoutfit.(Annieripsmoreofheroutfitoff)JAKE:Boohoo.GuessyouandthisjackasswilljusthavetogodowntoOldNavyandbuyyourselfanewone.(hornhits)Ashpopsup,possessed.ASH:Lookwho’sevilnow!JAKE:Shit!AshattacksJake,puttinghiminaheadlockanddragginghimoutside.Annieputsthechainonthedoor.Ashpopsthroughthedoortryingtoreachher.ASH:Joinus!

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Annieslamsthedooronhim.Thedoorslamsthenbeginstoslamopen,butitisunclearwhoisslammingit.ANNIE:Youwon’tgetmeAsh!You’llnevergetmeAsh!Anniethenseesthedagger,picksitup,unlocksthechainandstabsthroughtheopendoor.ANNIE:Takethat…Jakethenwalksinthedoor,asittursoutAnnieaccidentallystabbedhiminthestomach.SONG:ODETOANACCIDENTALSTABBINGJAKE:GoddamnyouwomanYoufuckingstabbedmeGoddamnyouwomanDoIlooklikeafuckingzombie?ANNIE:ItwasamistakewhatcanIdotoproveIamsorryJAKE:Well,inthefutureI’dappreciateitifyoucould(yelling)notfuckingstabme!SingingsimultaneouslyJAKE:GoddamnyouwomanYou’rereallygotmepissedGoddamnyouwomanThishurtslikeasonofabitch.ANNIE:Ididn’tmeantohurtyouOrmakeyoubleedI’llmakeyoufeelbetterWouldyoulikesomeTylenolPepcidAC?JAKE:Womanlookwhatyou’vedoneI’mbleedingalloverthefuckingroom

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ANNIE:Thentakethiscloth(rippingherclothes)AndapplypressuretoyourwoundJAKE:Bitch,getmesomewheresafeThatthing’sstilloutthereinthemtreesANNIE:NoonecanhurtyouhereCHERYL:(poopingoutofthecellar)Well,noonebutme.Comeherefatty!JAKE:Goddamnyouwoman!Jakeisdraggedintothecellar.Cellardoorslamsforthebigfinishofthisnumber.ANNIE:Jake…ThecellarfliesopenagainandbloodshootsoutandalloverAnnietoabigmusicalhit–thenslamsshutagain.EvilAshburstsbackintothecabin.ANNIE:PleaseAsh–no!Please.No.AshstalkstowardsAnnie,andthenseesthenecklaceonthewall.Heisdrawntoit.SONG:HOUSEWARESEMPLOYEE(pianoreprise)Anniepicksuptheaxe.Ashweepsthenreturnstohisoriginalhumanstate.ASH:Oh,Linda!(Annieswingstheaxeathim)No!Nowait!Listentome!I’mallrightnow.Thatthingisgone!Sheswingstheaxeathishead.ASH:Dammit!IsaidIwasallright!Areyoulisteningtome?DoyouhearwhatI’msaying?I’malright!I’malright.Seeingmygirlfriend’snecklacemademealright.

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ANNIE:ButyourgirlfriendworethatnecklaceandshewasstillaCandariandemon.ASH:Iknow,itseemsabitinconsistent.Buttrustme.I’malright.ANNIE:Okay,maybeyouare.Butforhowlong?Ifwe’regoingtobeatthisthing,weneedthosepages.

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SCENE6Thecellardoorswingsopen,andit’sCherylholdingthepages.CHERYL:Thesepages?Youneedthesepages?I’llkillyoubeforeyouevergetyourhandsonthem.I’llkillyouAsh.I’llkillyou.ASH:Cheryl,I’mgettingsickofyoutryingtokillme.Seethis?Thisismyboomstick!It’satwelve-gauge,doublebarreledRemington,S-Mart’stop-of-the-line.Youcanfindthisinthesportinggoodsdepartment.That’sright–thissweetbabywasmadeinGrandRapids,Michigan.Retailsforaboutoneo’nine,ninety-five.It’sgotawalnutstock,cobaltbluesteelandahairtrigger.That’sright.ShopSmart.ShopS-Mart.Yagotthat?!CHERYL:I’llswallowyoursoul.ASH:Swallowthis.Ashshootsherandshefallsdown.Hepullsthepagesfromherhands&slamsthecellardoorshut,astriumphantmusicswells.

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SCENE7Annietriestoruntohim,butasshetriestomove,hershirtgetsstuckinthedoor.ANNIE:Myskirtisstuck.Ohscrewit.Sheforcesherselfthroughrippingaridiculousportionofheroutfitandleavingherinafinelyperfectlycutveryrevealingoutfit.Theygoinforthekiss…ANNIE:Areyousurethisisappropriate?Imeanmyboyfriendjustdiedtwentyminutesago.Andyourgirlfrienddiedonlytenminutesbeforethat.ASH:Wecan’tgrieveforever.ANNIE:You’reright.Theygoinforthekiss,andseparatebeforetheydo.ANNIE:Ash,wait.Ithinkit’stimewereadthepassagesfromthepagesIfound.ASH:Ofcourse.Inhisdisappointment,Ashphallicallyun-cockshisguntothesoundofaslidewhistle.ASH:Dispelthisevilonceandforall.ANNIE:Okay,therearetwoseparatepassages.Recitationofthefirstpassagewillmakethedarkspiritmanifestitselfintheflesh.ASH:Whythehellwouldwewanttodothat?ANNIE:Becausewehaveto.Butbewarned,onceawakenedtheevilwillconductaceremonialwarritualtohonortheNecronomicon.ASH:Aceremonialwarritualfromhell…notlookingforwardtothat.That’sgoingtobehellish…guaranteed.ANNIE:Aftertheritualiscomplete,recitationofthesecondpassagewillcreateariftintimeandspacethatwewilltryandforcetheevilbackthrough.ButAsh,ifanythinghappenstogoawryduringthereadingofthesepassages,wehavetobeprepared…That’swhyyou’llneedthis.

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Anniehandshimthechainsaw.ASH:Groovy!ANNIE:Okay…heregoes.“Nosveratosalamemnonconda.”Thecabinbecomesdarkasthedemonsreturn.Demons:Conda…Conda…SONG:DOTHENECRONOMICONCHERYL:NowwehonortheNecronomicon.CHERYL,LINDA:NowwehonortheNecronomicon.CHERYL,LINDA,ED:NowwehonortheNecronomicon.CHERYL,LINDA,ED,JAKE:NowwehonortheNecronomicon.SCOTT:NowwehonortheNecronomiconwithourveryownspecialdance.ASH(spoken):Howthehelldodemonsdotheirveryownspecialdance?SCOTT:InhellwedanceourownspecialwayLet’sshow‘emhowyadancewhileyourbodydecaysLINDA:Dowebouncelikebackstreet?SCOTT:Notwithoutaheartbeat.JAKE:DowegrindlikeMichaelBivens?SCOTT:BellBivDevoebefortheliving.

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CHERYL:DowewhoomplikeTagTeam?SCOTT:Notwithoutabloodstream.ED:Let’sMacarenalikethatgroupdid.SCOTT:No–that’sjuststupid.ALL:DeaditesalwaysliketogettheirfreakonAndwhenwegettogetherwedotheNecronomiconDotheNecronomiconDotheNecronomiconComeoncomeonanddotheNecronomiconSCOTT:YougottafollowthemovesrighttotheletterIt’sjustliketheTimeWarpOnlybetter!DEADITES:FirstwejumpThenwesinkdownThenwegetbackupAndlassoallaroundThenwespinClapourhandsAndtakeabriefmomenttoacknowledgethebandDotherobotAndthesprinklerAndfinishitoffwithOurbestHenryWinkler(hey)DeaditesalwaysliketogettheirfreakonAndwhenwegettogetherwedotheNecronomiconDotheNecronomicon

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DotheNecronomiconComeoncomeonanddotheNecronomiconLINDA:Canwekillthesesuckasyet?SCOTT:JustwaitalittlebitJAKE:Canwebeat‘emwithashoe?SCOTT:Not‘tilwe’redonethetuneCHERYL:Canwemutilatethesefools?SCOTT:No,followtherules.ED:Isayattack.SCOTT:Whatareyou,oncrack?Afterourdancewe’llattackouroldfriendsButbeforewedothatlet’sNecronomiconagainDEADITES:FirstwejumpThenwesinkdownThenwegetbackupAndlassoallaroundThenwespinClapourhandsAndtakeabriefmomenttoacknowledgethebandDotherobotAndthesprinklerAndfinishitoffwithOurbestHenryWinkler(hey)

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DeaditesalwaysliketogettheirfreakonAndwhenwegettogetherwedotheNecronomiconDotheNecronomiconDotheNecronomiconComeoncomeonanddotheNecronomicon.ASH:Howdowestopthishorribledance?Ican’ttakeanotherbadHenryWinklerimpersonation.(todemons)That’syourBESTHenryWinkler?ANNIE:Ionlycompletedthefirstofthepassagesandthatwastomaketheevilathingoftheflesh!They’redancingnow,butsoonthey’llattackandtakeoverallofmankind.ASH:Thenfinishit!Quick!ANNIE:There’sstillthesecondpassage.TheonetoopentheriftandsendtheEvilback!ASH:Wellstartrecitingit!Now!Finishthepassages!Getridofit!ANNIE:Condanostrt–AHHHHH!Ash’sloosehandstabsAnniewithadagger.ASH:No!!!Myhandagain.Damnyouhand.ANNIE:I’mdyingAsh.ASH:NoAnnie,don’tdie.Ican’tdestroythisevilwithoutyou.ANNIE:YoucanAsh.Youcan.It’stimeforyoutostandonyourown.It’stimeforyoutofight.It’stime…Anniediesinhisarms.SONG:IT’STIMEASH:It’sTime,TofulfillmypurposeInLifeWearebornwithadestiny

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It’sTimeToacceptmycallingToGoOnaravenousdemonkillingspree!It’sTimetofinallytakeastandFightwithmystumpandmygoodhandStoptalkingtrashAndkicksomedemonassItistimeSCOTT(spoken):Oh,it’stimeAsh,butnotforwhatyouthink…DEADITES:It’sTimeforyou,AshtodieIt’sTimeforus,ZombiestoriseIt’sTimeforyoutosaygoodbyeIt’stimefor…ASH:Oh,It’sTimeTimetohurtdemonfeelingsInsideTheseherewalls,therecanbeonlyoneSingingsimultaneouslyASH:It’stimeToincreasedemonbleedingTonightYouwilldiebythesaworthegunTimetoharassTimetowhoopsomeassTimetokilldemonsenmassOhit’stimeDEADITES:Timetofight.TimetobrawlTimetokill.Timetomaul.Kickyousquareintheballs.

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It’stimetoripyoutotattersTimetomakeyourbloodsplatterThroughtheshedJointheevildeadItistimeASH:YouknowthatI’mright!I’mnotdyingtonight,it’saHoliday!WhenI’mindespairIadjustmyhairandmakeevilpayAttheedgeofthenight,There’snotadeaditeIcan’thandle!DEADITES:Handle!ASH:Whendangercalls,Youmusthavetheballsofanox,orabear,oranyLargemammal!DEADITES:Anylargemammal!Yeah!!SingingsimultaneouslyDEADITES:It’sTimeforyou,AshtodieIt’sTimeforus,ZombiestoriseIt’sTimeforyoutosaygoodbyeIt’sTimefor…Oh,it’stime.ASH:Isthatso?Ithinkno!Alright,letsgo!Oh,It’sTime!!!Ashthengoesontheattack,onebyonetakingoutallthedemonsandkillingtheminmethods,onebloodierthanthelast.AfterAshhaskilledthemallheistriumphant,andthenthemusicturnsevilandallofthedemonswhoAshjustkilled,comebacktolife.

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ASH:What?Itcan’tbe.You’recomingbacktolife?No.Ikilledyou.Ikilledyouall.You’redead.SONG:WEWILLNEVERDIEDEADITES:YoumustrealizeWewillneverdieWe’realreadydeadWe’vediedtwicebeforeBut,we’rebackformoreYoucan’tstopthedeadYoucan’tkillthekilledandyoucan’tpassonthepassedNowwe’lltakethatchainsawandwe’llshoveitupyour…ANNIE(springingtolife):ASH!!!!!Annie’sscreambringsthemusictoascreechinghalt.ASH:Annie,you’resprungbacktolife.Seemstobehappeningalotaroundherelately.FinishrecitingthepassagesAnnie.Sendthesedemonsbacktohell!ANNIE:CondaCondaNosperoto…DEMONTO!!!!!(Anniedies)Thedemonsthenstartgettingsuckedthroughthedoor.ASH:Youdiditkid.Youdidit!!!Annie!(realizingshe’sdead)Annie!Annie!No!!!!BLACKOUT

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SCENE8ASH(voiceover):So,withherdyingbreath,Anniereadthepassages,senttheCandariandemonsbacktohell,andtogetherwefinallyputastoptothisunspeakableevil.ThecurtainopenstorevealAshisnowatS-Martsurroundedbyrandomcustomers(thepreviousactorsinbadwigsandmoustaches.)ASH:AndthatloyalS-MartcustomersishowIsavedallofmankind.MAN1(JAKE):AndaftersavingallofmankindyoucamedirectlytoworkhereatS-Mart?ASH:No,Ididn’tcomedirectlytoworkhereatS-Mart.TherewasabriefperiodwhereIwassentbacktoMedievalTimesandthepeopleworshippedmeastheirking…butthat’sanotherstory.WOMAN2(LINDA):Wait,ifAnniediedinthemiddleofreadingthepassages,areyousureshesaidallthenecessarywordstodispeltheevilcorrectly?ASH:Wellmaybeshedidn’tsayeverysingletinylittlesyllable,no.But,basicallyshesaidthemyeah…basically.MAN2(SCOTT):WellallIcansayis…wow…thatstory…isthebiggestcrockofshitI’veeverheardinmylife.MAN3(ED):IcomeheretobuyablenderandIgottalistentothiscrap.Theyallstartcrackingup.MAN1(JAKE):Isayweignorethisassholeandgetbacktooursavings.ALL:Yeah.WOMAN2(LINDA):Youknowthatstoryabouthowyousavedtheearthfromdemons?ASH:Yeah?WOMAN2(LINDA):I…ah…thinkit’skindacute.ASH:Oh,yeah?POSSESSEDWOMAN(ANNIE)turnsaroundandISademon.(Hornhits)

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Ahugeburstofwindnearlyknocksoverallthecustomersinthestore.POSSESSEDWOMAN(ANNIE):Lookwho’sevilnow.MAN2(SCOTT):Holyfuck!Thecustomersinthestorefreakout.Thepossessedwomangrabsababyandattemptstospikeit.WOMAN1(CHERYL):That’smybaby!Ashgrabsagunofftheshelfinthecommotion,stillwiththepricetaghangingfromit.Ashshootsthegunintheair.ASH:Lady,I’mafraidI’mgonnahavetoaskyoutoleavethestore.POSSESSEDWOMAN(ANNIE):Whothehellareyou?ASH:NamesAsh…housewares.POSSESSEDWOMAN(ANNIE):I’llswallowyoursoul!ASH:Comegetsome.AshshootsthePOSSESSEDWOMANthreetimes.Shegoesoffstageandfliesintheair.MAN1(SCOTT):Thatbitchisflying!Ashshootsheragainandthebabylandsinhishands.ASH:So,doyouscrewheadsbelieveIcansaveyoufromCandariandemonsnow?SONG:BLEWTHATBITCHAWAYSCOTT:WethoughtthatyouwerefuckingwithusJAKE:WethoughtyouwerealyingprickCHERYL:Allthatjiveaboutyoukillingdemons

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ED:ItsoundedlikebullshitSCOTT:Butapparentlyyouweren’ttalkingsmackCHERYL:CausewesawthatevilchickLINDA:ShewasgoingtoeatusJAKE:AndseverelybeatusSCOTT:TilyoushotherinthetitsJAKE:That’srightyousavedusALL:YousavedourlivesCHERYL:Yousavedme,andmybabyandtheseGinsuknivesALL:YousavedusallED:You’rethebaddestmotherfuckerinthiswholestripmallALL:WethoughtyouwereaphonyonsomemadtiradeButnowweseethatyou’reaheroandyousavedthedayBecauseyoublewthatbitchawayASH!ASH:WellItoldyouIcouldkillthesedemonsAndnoneofyoubelievedme

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ALL:NononoyeahASH:That’swhyyou’remerelycustomersWhileI’manS-MartemployeeALL:YeahyeahyeahohyeahASH:CauseIkillwhatlooksevenslightlyevilWhoknowswhothenextvictimwillbeALL:NotmeASH:CauseIshootALL:ShootASH:AndkillALL:KillASH:AndsawALL:UntilASH:Weneedaclean-uponAisle3ALL:YouarethemanASH:Ibitchslapevilwithmyonegoodhand

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ALL:You’reourheroASH:IshakedowndeaditesliketheyowemydoughIsawthatdemontryingtoruinyourshoppingdayALL:ShoppingdayASH:SoIgrabbedmytwelvegaugeandblewherawayALL:BlewthatbitchawayJAKE:That’srightyoublewALL:BlewthatbitchawayJAKE:YoublewthatbitchawayALL:BlewthatbitchawayJAKE:YoublewhertosmithereensALL:BlewthatbitchawayJAKE:YoublewherlikeadrunkteenALL:BlewthatbitchawayALL&JAKE:Blewthatbitchaway

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ALL:WeusetofuckinhateyouandyourlyingwaysButnowwe’vechangedourmindsandthinkyou’reokayBecauseyoublewthatbitchawayBlewthatbitchawayYeah!BLACKOUT

THEEND