CLASS 12EWRT 1B

AGENDA

0Surface Revision: Essay #2 0Discussion: QHQ SBB 0In-class writing: SBB0Review: Kaizena

SURFACE REVISION

EDITING YOUR REVISED ESSAY

WordinessA sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains

only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.

Omit familiar expressions that add words but not meaning!

0There is/There are0I feel0I think0It seems to me0All things considered0Without a doubt0It is important to note0In my opinion0The reason why0In conclusion

Hint: omit the filler phrases "it is," "there is," and "there are" at the beginning of sentences; these often delay the sentence's true subject and verb.

0Wordy: There were many factors that influenced his decision to become a teacher.

0Concise: Many factors influenced his decision to become a teacher.

0Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade computer systems.0Concise: Upgrading computer systems is expensive.

Omit "which" or "that” when possible.

0Wordy: Because the fluid, which was brown and poisonous, was dumped into the river, the company that was negligent had to shut down.

0Concise: Because the brown, poisonous fluid was dumped into the river, the negligent company had to shut down.

Wordy: They played a softball game that was exhausting.

Concise: They played an exhausting softball game.

Eliminate or replace vague nouns and adverbs denoting degree

Vague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree0Thing (something,

anything, everything)0Situation0Kind0Type0Aspect0Sort 0Area

0Basically0Very0Definitely0Quite

PunctuationUsing commas and semi-colons

Checking the Details

Drag picture to placeholder or click icon to add

Miscellaneous Questions0Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?0 Is the page length within assigned limits?0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?0Does the Header follow the assignment guidelines?0 Is the professor's name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore0 Is your name spelled correctly?0Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in

the appropriate location?0Have you italicized book and movie titles and put stories,

articles, and poems in quotation marks.

Writing Tips0Write about literature in present tense0Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and

“anything.”0Avoid writing in second person.0Avoid using contractions. 0Cut Wordy Sentences0Fix run-on sentences0Check for misused words0Put commas and periods inside quotation marks

The Works Cited Page

A Work in an Anthology, Reference, or Collection

0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this sort of citation is as follows:

0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.

0 Example:0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A

Tutor's Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth. Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.

Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of original publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.

A Work in a Collection or Anthology

Toni Morrison“Recitatif”Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of African American WomenPublisher: MorrowEdition: 1983Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina BarakaPlace Published: New YorkPages 243-260Print

Langston Hughes“Passing”The Ways of White FolksNew YorkVintage 1990 1934No Editor in this casePages 51-55Print

Langston Hughes“Who’s Passing for Who?” The Collected Works of Langston Hughes: The Later Simple StoriesEditor: R. Baxter Miller USAUniversity of Missouri Press1952 2002Pages 163-66Print.

Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of original publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of

Publication.

An Article in a Scholarly Journal

0Always provide issue numbers, when available.0Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal

Volume. Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.

0Example: Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The

Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devi's Bashai Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Women's Literature 15.1 (1996): 41-50. Print.

Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in PrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.

Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to the Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases 6.6 (2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.

Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication): pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.

Randall Kennedy“Racial Passing”Ohio State Law JournalVolume 62Issue 114520011-28Web8 Feb. 2013

William Pickens“Racial Segregation”Opportunity: Journal of Negro LifeDecember, 1927364-367Web.8 Feb. 2013

Hughes, Langston.Passing (the poem)Phylon Vol. 11Issue 1(1950)15Web

Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in PrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.

Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication): pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.

Project SubmissionsAll out of class essays are to be submitted to me electronically before the

class period in which they are due.

1. Before you submit your essay, please save your file as your last name and the number 2, like this: Smith 2. This will help me keep your essays organized. Make sure it is saved as either a Google document or a pdf File.

Smith 2

2. Submit your essay through Kaizena, a Google Drive add-on, at https://kaizena.com/palmoreessaysubmissiongmail. Or simply use the link on our class website home page.

This system allows me to respond to your work with both voice and written comments and to insert helpful links. 

3. Sign in to your Google Account,

and allow Kaizena access to your Google Drive.

4. Click on the submission link.

5. Choose your document from your Google Drive (If you don’t see your paper here, make sure it is saved as either a Google doc or a pdf).You will be directed to a new page to choose a delivery box from a drop down menu.

6. Add your essay to the appropriate EWRT 1B box (Essay 2) from the drop down menu. Then, click the “Ask for feedback” button again.

7. Once I have commented on your project, Kaizena will automatically share with you the link to the Google document in the comments section — located on the top-right corner of the Google document.

Then you will get the box pictured below. Clicking the link will take you to your graded paper.

8. Click on the highlighted sections of the paper to find both audio and written comments concerning your essay and links to materials that will help you improve your writing.

Stone Butch Blues

Group Discussion

“I’m sick of people asking me if she’s a boy or a girl,” I overheard my mother complain to my father.

“Everywhere I take her, people ask me.” (Feinberg 19)

0 I guess these lines stood out to me because if it were my child I’d tell people to mind their own f$#$# business and why does it matter what gender my kid is. I would stick up for my child so it just irks me that they didn’t stick up for her.

“I saw the woman I was growing up to be staring back at me. She looked scared and sad. I wondered if I was brave enough to grow up and be her.” (21)

0 Jess trying on her father’s was an act of courage. It symbolizes that even though she is scared for what the future may have in store for her she is ready to become the woman she knows she wants to be.

“Two huge men in white uniforms took me off the elevator. My parents stayed on. Then the men turned and locked the gate barring the elevator. I read for my parents but they wouldn’t even look at me as the elevator

door closed……….A nurse explained the rules of my stay: I must get up in the morning and stay out on the ward all day. I must wear a dress, sit with my knees crossed, be polite, and smile when I was spoken too”

(Feinberg 21).

0 When I was in high school, for a brief moment I entertained the idea that I was a homosexual. One day, while I was watching the news, I heard something about behavioral treatment for homosexuals and what was happening to those people who went through treatment. My fear of what happened to Jess in the above quote would have happened to me, if I decided to come out to my parents at that time. During that time I immediately suppressed the thought that I was a homosexual and didn’t think much about it until I was 18, then again at 20.

“Just when it seemed like it couldn’t get worse I noticed my breasts were growing. Menstruation didn’t bother me .

Unless I bled all over myself it was a private thing between me and my body. But breasts!” (Feinberg 23).

0 I went through that phase once in my life and its hard. I liked what I saw in the mirror when I cut my hair and wore tomboy clothes, but the judgment surrounding me made me scared. I was scared of myself because I thought I was doing something wrong.

“Bobby unlaced my uniform pants and jammed his penis into my vagina. The pain traveled up to my belly, scaring the

hell out of me. It felt like something ripped deep inside of me. I counted the attackers. There were six.” (41)

0 Jess was raped by six different football players at the same time. It was so difficult for me to comprehend what she was going through, and how she was able to continue on with her day after this. It exemplified how strong of a person Jess can be.

“I made a vow to myself before I fell asleep. I promised myself I would never wear a dress again, and I’d never let anyone rape me again, no matter what. As it turned out, I

could only keep one of those promises” (51).

0My heart hurt for Jess as I read this, over and over again. I cannot imagine the kind of pain and trauma that Jess has been going through. I always find myself thinking of these lines as Jess’ life continues to unfold.

“It was almost a year before I got up the nerve to call telephone information for the address of Tifka’s. Finally I stood on the street in front of the bar, scared to death. I

wondered what made me think this was the place I could fit. And what if I didn’t” (Feinberg 27).

0 It must [have] been hard for the young Jess not have anyone to identify with or even communicate with. Her family does not understand her and pretty much think she is crazy. Finding this place was just the start for Jess to get the questions she has been wondering about all these years answered.

Suck my cock, bulldagger.” Someone hit the side of my knee with a nightstick. My knees buckled more from fear than pain.

Mulroney grabbed me by the collar and dragged me several feet away to a steel toilet. There was a piece of unflushed shit floating in the water. “Either eat me or eat my shit, bulldagger.

Its up to you.” I was too frightened to think or move. (62).

0 These lines to me when reading them made me feel disgusted about how police men acted. They used their men and law power to take advantage of female.

[I] had to stop reading for a moment to process what I had read. This is the most explicit book that have ever read and just by reading this it just made me think that is just sad how many women have to go through the nightmare of being abused by higher authorities.

“”You know”, Duffy added, “I don’t think I really realized how hard it is for you. I know what jerks the guys at work can be sometimes.”……..”But when I went to the

hospital with you, I saw how they treated you, how they talked about you,” he rubbed his face. When he looked back at me, I saw tears in his eyes. “ I felt so

helpless you know? I kept yelling at them that you were a human being that you mattered, and it was like they weren’t listening to me.”” (Feinberg 93)

0This post really stood out for me. Why? It was sad; it is unbelievable how people are so cruel and selfish. Duffy was right, Jess was a human being like everyone else, but the doctors didn’t help Jess just because of the appearance. And was a butch. I liked how Duffy stood up for Jess, it was brave and a show of friendship towards Jess. Also how he cried while he was saying it was touching. I believe that everyone deserves the right as everyone else; we all should have equal rights. This as many other parts was sad.

“No matter how painful it was to be a he-she, I wondered what kind of courage was required to leave the sex you’d always known, or to live so

alone.”(Feinberg 95).

0 I believe this isn’t a necessity in being a he-she and she should attempt to love herself the way she is man or female because at the end of the day the only persons opinion that truly matters is her own. It pains me to see this woman thinking about changing who she is to essentially better fit the social norms set that would make her seem more like a male then a female personality wise.

“I brought Theresa daffodils. When I handed them to her, her eyes filled with tears. I had a feeling nobody had treated her like someone special before. I silently vowed to always

make her feel that way.” (122-23)

0 I survived off the romance that Jess finds. Particularly with Theresa. I don’t know, maybe I am the romantic type with a cold and “stone” exterior, but these lines really got me to feel feelings. Very few stories, or even books get me to feel these feelings.

“Theresa sighed, ‘I’m a femme, Jess. I want to be with a butch’”(Feinberg 159).

0When I read this, I felt really irritated at Theresa. Why is it such a big deal that Jess be a butch and not a ‘man’?

“I took a hot, soapy shower, enjoying the feel of my hands on my skin. It had been so long since I’d been at home in my

body. Soon that was going to change” (Feinberg 171).

0 Jess is now on hormones and she is feeling good about herself and her body. This change, even though it cost her a relationship, was helping her to cope with her identity.

“At first, everything was fun. The world stopped feeling like a gauntlet I had to run through. But very quickly I

discovered that passing didn’t just mean slipping below the surface, it meant being buried alive. I was still me on the

inside, trapped in there with all my wounds and fears. But I was no longer me on the outside” (Feinberg 173).

0This part stood out to me because it pretty much sums up all the pain that those who passed have to endure.

“I didn’t regret the decision to take hormones. I wouldn’t have survived much longer without passing. And the

surgery was a gift to myself, coming home to my body. But I wanted more than to just barely exist, a stranger always

trying not to get involved. I wanted to find out who I was, to define myself. Whoever I was, I wanted to deal with it, I

wanted to live it again. I wanted to be able to explain my life, how the world looked from behind my eyes.” (Feinberg 224)

0 Throughout the book Jess had the internal struggle with herself, trying desperately to seek any sense of identity. Was she a woman? Was she a man? I really liked this thought from Jess as it summed up her characterization exceptionally well. Jess is a tragic character that suffered more then anyone can imagine and yet she perseveres.

In-Class Writing

0Explore a moment when Jess intentionally passes. How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know?

0Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same way? How do you know?

Teams for Thursday

0Get into four teams of seven.0These will be your teams for Thursday.0We will be playing a game of sorts. Arrange your

desks so that you can talk to each other in your rather large group.

0Remember, we will have a visitor, so get here early!0Remember, this is an opportunity to earn 15 extra

participation points!

HOMEWORK0Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay through Kaizena before Friday, week 7, at noon. 0Read: Stone Butch Blues (196-End) 0Post #14: Finish in-class writing on Jess’s passing. Use textual evidence to support your assertions. Post #15: Explore an experience Jess has with

a medical professional. Does her gender identity influence the treatment she receives or doesn’t receive? Include a quotation with a citation. Study: Terms