Excerpt 4 - Boss, Boss, De Pain, De Pain!

7/31/2019 Excerpt 4 - Boss, Boss, De Pain, De Pain!

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Excerpt ofRadical Sabbaticalby Glen Tibaldeo and Laura Berger

Copyright 2012, Berdeo LLC. All rights reserved.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to

quit going to those places. ~Henny Youngman

It was time for Laura to get better. Our queue was a

response from a picture of us we showed from a hike with no

shirts. Please remember to eat and other such comments

were returned.

They were talking about both of us, but I felt fine. One day, I

went to grab a bottle of Coke Light from one of the coolers atthe grocery store, and my pants fell right to my ankles. A

few people saw, but the heck if I cared. I just couldnt stop

laughing.

That was part of the magic of our lives. Any complexand

we certainly had a fewwas made up in our heads. There

were no norms, no standards, and no pretenseand those

who had them would never fit in and were on their way out

anyway.

In hindsight, we were almost translucent, with Laura at 59

and 120 pounds and me the same height and 138.

Depending on the ranking organization, Costa Rican

healthcare hovered around that of the United States, but it

was a heck of a lot more affordable, so we were in luck. On

the Ballena Coast, we could get Laura better quickly and

without fanfare if there had been doctors. In fact, there was

only one doctorDoctor Nando.


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Doctor Nando was the most energetic and passionate

practitioner we ever met.

However, as Laura worked through regimens of Rhino pills

of every shape, size, and girth and four of five visits with

Doctor Nando, we became skeptical. When the esteemed

doctor jammed a medicated joust into Lauras right buttock,

giving her a left-leaning sitting position for three weeks to

no effect did we glean that Dr. Nando needed of a little bit of

coaching. We spent hours at the intermittentnet caf

becoming cyberchondriacs, pouring over countless accounts

of death-by-diarrhea to find the information to get Laura

better.

We had already postulated to Dr. Nando that Laura had

Giardia Lambliaa parasite colonizing the small intestine,

and reducing the bodys ability to absorb nutrients. The end

result? Well, with respect for my lovely bride, lets just say

that theres a very distinct pun in the term end result.

We built our Giardia case for Dr. Nando. Dr. Nando did

reluctantly send us for a test he said would rule out

Giardia but when Laura tested negative, we learned on the

intermittentnet that this gastric creepy-crawly was evasive

and required three of the same test to rule it out.

One day in late December, ILaura was so weak, deflated,

and humiliated about the topic that she wanted little to do

with itmarched in to convince Dr. Nando that Laura

indeed had Giardia.


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Doctor Nando was our age and from San Jos, practicing in

the area a few days a week. His office was in a little stripmallagain, a loose termbetween surf shops, motels, and

restaurants. Incidentally, most of the main town was never

zoned. The biggest commercial center in a 40 miles, the

structures were built makeshift and sometimes shanty-

stylethis because everyone found it likely the government

would bulldoze the entire thing one day.

We sat in the little waiting room, which was really a small

hallway with no windows and a door on either sideone

leading to the dirt road outside and the other into Nandos

office. Incidentally, this little waiting room was the only

place on the Ballena Coast to get frozen out by an air

conditioner.

Dr. Nando opened the door, escorting a patient out. Oooh.

Ms. Laura, Mr. Glen. How are you today? He spoke very

good English, but with a pronounced accent.

We sat down in front of Nandos desk. Behind him hung a

host of diplomas and certificates, like Bernie Madoff

showcasing his Asset Manager of the Year awards.

I started. Doctor, we have been here four or five times.

Laura is not any better. In fact, shes worse.

I am very sorry to hear this, he said in a fading voice. Dr.

Nandos countenance drooped like three-week old papaya.

He was clearly heartbroken. As frustrated as we were, I felt

bad for him.


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I began my case. Laura has a sore stomach and cannot ride

in a car without almost crying, I said.

Aaaaah. DEEs is a vEry impOrtant fact, he said, rubbing

his beard. When Dr. Nando was in diagnosis mode, he would

inflect his words like a cross between William Shatner and

Ricardo Montalban. The two being in a movie together is

something I noticed later.

He had already heard these symptoms before.

Laura and I rattled off more of symptoms and with almostevery one he would take notes and say, DEEs is a fAct we

nEver consEEdered in de pAst, or some such revelatory

reaction.

And gEEven the rUling out of de GiArdia LAmblia and

Oder bactEria tEEpically cOlonisssing in de digEstive trAct,

and wEEth dEEs new facts, we can Only conclUde de

extrEmely rAre contrAction of the bactEria

[fibrobroccovegetabIllis]! he exclaimed. Brackets indicate

my lack of memory of the true name.

No, thats not it! I said, now rather heated.

Nandos face changed. We shot each other the two-thousand-

yard stare, no more than 100 inches apart. He was taken

aback.

I have to go to the restroom, Laura said, a wince on her

face. She exited the room.


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Nandocan I call you Nando? I asked. He had to think

about it.

Yes, he said, still defeated, but a bit on guard of my

demeanor.

Nando, we left big jobs and family to come here. We left our

identities. We are in a completely different place with

different customsstrangers in a strange land. Were

stressed out and beaten down. Dont get me wrong. Everyone

is so niceyou includedand its paradise. But its change.

And this illness is going to sink us if we dont figure it out.Weve completely thrown our lives upside down in pursuit of

a dream, and us getting through it will very much depend on

your help. Whats the downside of assuming its Giardia?

There are people all over Pair-o-Dice Village who have had it

at one time or another with those pipes always breaking.

How is it that far-fetched? I asked.

Laura came back, head down, not a word, and sat. So as I

said, dEEs has got to be a cAse of de rAre

[fibrobroccovegetabillis].Aw, Nando! For the love of Moon

Pies and all that is holy!

Can you guys give me a minute? I have to go to the

bathroom, I said. I just had to take a two step walk. I

entered the bathroom.

Now, Laura and I deliberated ad nauseumno pun

intendedwhether to be truly revealing for sake of the

story. There were no windows or ventilation, and lets just


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say we were graced by weak water pressure as there was

evidence left behind, and Magnum P.U. was on the case.

I marched back to Dr. Nandos office, throwing the door open

for effect. Nando, our discussion has been rich, but we need

to try something else. With apologies to Laura, please walk

into your bathroom. I challenge you to come back and tell me

that Laura does not have Giardia.

He perked up like a deer hearing a twig snap. Hot shit!

Something to investigate! He opened his drawer and pulled

out a set of latex gloves. Whats he going to do with that? Itsnot a homicide, doc.

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Excerpt 4 - Boss, Boss, De Pain, De Pain!