Excrete (Eastwood)

ContentsPoop

UrineGas

Behind Stall Doors

What does your pee say about you? Light your

fireYellow like the sunshine It will blow

you away

Caught mid-poop by a bear — a face-to-face encounter one man won’t forget. Submit your stories or jokes to WEBSITE

Shits and Giggles

Coffee makes me poop

A quick guide to your first colonic

Dear Readers,This magazine was born out of observa-

tion and curiosity. At a dinner party one night, the kind with food piled on paper plates and conversation overlapping and weaving into one cacophony of noise, I had a conversation about poop.

After dinner and during even more wine, I found a seat by the outdoor fire pit where my friend’s mom, Janet, began discussing her problem at work. Her com-pany had recently moved to a new build-ing, huge and modern with lots of open space—which was the problem. Janet’s desk can be viewed from every angle and from several different levels in the build-ing.

The walk to the bathroom is arduous because Janet knows that everybody is thinking the same thing as she makes that trek: she drank a thermos of coffee, twenty minutes have passed, and by god it’s time for her to take a shit. Yes, every-body is thinking that.

So she sneaks to the bathroom, but not the one on her floor, no she slinks to the one three floors up on the other side of the building. But that creates another prob-lem in and of itself. If somebody sees her

in the bathroom farthest from her desk, they will wonder and know that she went there specifically to poop.

One work day Janet clenched her bowels from her morning coffee until she made it to her house because every time she escaped to the bathroom some-one was already there. And pooping with people in the same room? Forget it. Jan-et would rather cause internal intestinal damage before pulling down her pants for a poop while a coworker is within a two-mile radius.

This got me thinking. Why does it mat-ter if people know you’re pooping? Why do people care if someone can hear splat, splash, plop in the adjacent stall? Every-body poops, everybody pees, and every-body farts, so I wanted to provide a forum for the discussion that rarely leaves the bathroom. Feeling awkward yet? Don’t. Do you think anyone is judging you for the cover of this magazine? Maybe. Are you reading this on the toilette? Yes? Well shit, I sure hope you have a nice poop.

Thanks for reading,Natalie EastwoodExcrete Editor

Hello, my fellow poopersI write to you from my porcelain thrown with a laptop warming my legs. Shit, I’m out of toilet paper. Hand towel? Roommate’s towel? Cat’s tail?

I have a fettish for Bic Round Stic pens —not sure why.

I have two younger sisters, both with red hair.

If you eat dark chocolate with a cup of mint tea, it’s like a Peppermint Patty

I always eat the perimeter of a sandwich first, starting with the bottom-of-the-bread crust.

I always go on the ferris wheel at carnivals, but I’m terrified of heights.

I love to go running, espe-cially at night when the dark-ness gives me wings.

That’s me on the left with my friends Margeux and Reynah Spence as we try to escape the clutches of either a pair of plush lips or pink colon. Send your goofy pictures to facebook at Excrete Magazine.

ExcreteEditor: Natalie Eastwood

Staff Writer: Analiz Suarez

Publisher: Liz Kemmery

Facebook: Excrete Magazine

Twitter: theshit

Mobile App: How to H2O

Website: excretemagazine.com

When coffee becoms a necessity and an inconvinience, go to the poop doctor for some help. We did, and here is what we

found. First of all, timing is everything —from your 6:00 a.m. run that’s more like a trot to your morning bagel to that glorious

first cup of coffee.

POOP Department

To drink or not to drink coffee becomes a question of to poop or not to poop.What will you choose?

Maybe you don’t have to.

John Doe Writer

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consec-tetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo li-gula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturi-ent montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem.

Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate eget, arcu. In enim justo, rhoncus ut, imperdiet a, venenatis vi-tae, justo. Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pretium. Integer tincidunt. Cras dapibus. Vivamus elementum semper nisi. Aenean vulputate eleif

end tellus. Aenean leo ligula, porttitor eu, consequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Ali-quam lorem ante, dapibus in, viverra quis, feugiat a, tellus. Phasellus viverra nulla ut metus varius laoreet. Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet. Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue.

Curabitur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhon-cus, sem quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luctus pulvinar,

hendrerit id, lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincidunt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis faucibus. Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci eget eros fauci-bus tincidunt.

Duis leo. Sed fringilla mauris sit amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget bibendum sodales.

Augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleif-end sapien. Vestibulum purus quam, scel-erisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, me-tus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui. Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendrerit fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in fauci-bus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In ac dui quis mi consectetuer lac-inia.

Nam pretium turpis et arcu. Duis arcu tortor, suscipit eget, imperdiet nec, imper-diet iaculis, ipsum. Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a,

consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing. Phasellus ullamcor-per ipsum rutrum nunc. Nunc nonum-my metus. Vestibulum volutpat pretium libero. Cras id dui. Aenean ut eros et nisl sagittis vestibulum. Nullam nulla eros, ultricies sit amet, nonummy id, imperdi-et feugiat, pede. Sed lectus. Donec mollis

hendrerit risus. Phasellus nec sem in justo pellen-

tesque facilisis. Etiam imperdiet imper-diet orci. Nunc nec neque. Phasellus leo dolor, tempus non, auctor et, hendre-rit quis, nisi. Curabitur ligula sapien, tincidunt non, euismod vitae, posuere imperdiet, leo. Maecenas malesuada. Praesent congue erat at massa. Sed cur-

sus turpis vitae tortor. Donec posuere vulputate arcu. Phasel-

lus accumsan cursus velit. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Sed ali-quam, nisi quis porttitor congue, elit erat euismod orci, ac

Maecenas malesuada. Praesent congue erat at massa. Sed cursus turpis vitae tor-tor. Donec posuere vulputate arcu. Phasel-lus accumsan cursus velit. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Sed ali-quam, nisi quis porttitor congue, elit erat

“Coffee is the Bissell of vaccuume cleaners for the

body’s intestines.” — Dr. John Doe

As I stood in front of my executive board with an empty coffee mug in one hand, I realized with a dread that the pressure in bowel was building

like valcano. That’s why I switched to herbal tea.” — John Doe

POOP Department

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum so-ciis natoque penatibus et mag-nis dis parturient montes, na-scetur ridiculus mus.

Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate eget, arcu. In enim justo, rhoncus ut, imperdiet a, venenatis vitae, justo.

Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pretium. Integer tincid-unt. Cras dapibus. Vivamus el-ementum semper nisi. Aenean vulputate eleifend tellus. Aene-an leo ligula, porttitor eu, con-sequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapibus i

n, viverra quis, feugiat a, tel-lus. Phasellus viverra nulla ut metus varius laoreet.

Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet. Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabitur ullam-corper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimen-tum rhoncus, sem quam sem-per libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luc-tus pulvinar, hendrerit id, lor-em. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincidunt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis fau-cibus.

Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci eget eros faucibus tincidunt. Duis leo. Sed fringil-la mauris sit amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget bibendum sodales, augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi

a libero. Fusce vulputate eleif-end sapien. Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nul-lam accumsan lorem in dui.

Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendrerit fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In ac dui quis mi consectetuer lacinia.

Nam pretium turpis et arcu. Duis arcu tortor, suscipit eget, imperdiet nec, imperdiet iacu-lis, ipsum.

Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing. Phasellus ullamcorper ipsum rutrum nunc. Nunc nonummy metus. Vestibulum volutpat pretium libero. Cras id dui. Aenean ut eros et nisl sagittis vestibulum. Nullam nulla eros, ultricies sit amet, nonummy id, imperdiet feugiat, pede. Sed lectus. Donec mollis hendrerit risus. Phasellus nec sem in jus-to pellentesque facilisis. Etiam imperdiet imperdiet orci. Nunc nec neque. Phasellus leo dolor, tempus non, auctor et, hendre-rit quis, nisi.

Curabitur ligula sapien, tin-cidunt non, euismod vitae, po-suere imperdiet, leo. Maecenas malesuada. Praesent congue erat at massa. Sed cursus tur-pis vitae tortor. Donec posuere vulputate arcu. Phasellus ac-cumsan cursus velit.

Vestibulum ante ipsum pri-mis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Sed aliquam, nisi quis porttitor congue, elit erat euismod orci, ac amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat,

leo eget bibendum sodales, augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sapi-en.

Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui. Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendre-rit fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubil-ia Curae; In ac dui quis mi con-sectetuer lacinia. Nam pretium turpis et arcu.

Duis arcu tortor, suscipit eget, imperdiet nec, imperdi-

et iaculis, ipsum. Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Prae-sent adipiscing. Phasellus ulla-mcorper ipsum rutrum nunc. Nunc nonummy metus.

Vestibulum volutpat pre-tium libero. Cras id dui. Ae-nean ut eros et nisl sagittis vestibulum. Nullam nulla eros, ultricies sit amet, nonummy id, imperdiet feugiat, pede. Sed lectus. Donec mollis hendrerit risus. Phasellus nec sem in jus-to pellentesque facilisis. Etiam imperdiet imperdiet orci. Nunc nec neque. Phasellus leo dolor,

POOP Department

“Mom, Dad, I gotta say my butt has never felt cleaner. Those wipes are like a squeege for my soft, delicate buns. Thanks guys. I’ll repay you for everything you’ve done for me — after college that is.”

AnAliz SuArez

Sally Garber, the founder and owner of Sally’s Colonics Therapy, is a certified co-lon hydro therapist, a certified nat-ural health professional and a cer-tified body ecologist preforms each procedure. Garber has been a hydro therapist for 14 years.

Colonics therapy is a method of removing waste from the large in-testine without the use of drugs by introducing filtered water, with or without essential oils, into the co-lon. The waste is softened and loos-ened, resulting in natural release. This process is repeated several times during a session.

At Sally’s Colonics Therapy, sessions last 45 to 50 minutes and are private. For her practice, the first session is $65 and $50 for additional colonics.

During the session, a gown is provided and any upper body clothing can be kept on. A person can choose whether or not to have the hydro therapist in the room during the procedure and there is always

the option to call the therapist back into the room with a bell. There is no odor during the procedure because all waste is deposited through the tube into the drain.

Garber uses disposable rectal nozzles

which are the size of a pencil. The filtered water with essential oils flows into the rec-tum and waste releases naturally around the nozzle which almost always stays in for the entire session. Waste is released down a drain below the patient and pass-es through a view tube and then into to the sewer.

A major question that most people have

when they think about the procedure is ‘does it cause any discomfort?’ The answer is no, the reason for that is because the client is in control of the water flow. The prerequisites to the therapy are to stay

hydrated and do not to eat two hours before the procedure.

“The best way to know what it’s like is to actually experience it for oneself,” Gar-ber said.” Everybody is unique in their experiences, so I can’t describe how it will be for ev-eryone.”

“I’m 27 years old and a pro-fessional marathoner. Doctors and others say I’m a healthy person, but I must say I have not experienced true health

until I tried colonic hydrotherapy. More than massage, a good run, or even a ‘good’ American diet, working with Sally and learning about how my body works has helped me feel stress-free, energetic, cleansed and light. My next hope is to in-spire others-like my closest family-to ex-plore true health.”(Emory Mort, helpmy-gut testimonial)

POOP Department

“The best way to know what it’s like is to actually experience it for

oneself. Everybody is unique in their experiences, so I can’t describe

how it will be for everyone.” — Sally Garber

“I have been using colon hydrotherapy for about six weeks and it is just amaz-ing how much better I feel overall. I sleep better, have a great deal of energy when I wake, and have regular bowel movements without medicine. I would recommend this type of treatment to anyone looking for better health in general.”(Jason Lew-is, helpmygut testimonial)

Sally Garber wrote an article for the website ‘Be Well World,’ and in that ar-ticle she gives her professional opinion on the topic of the colon health.

“It has been nicknamed the body’s ‘sec-ond brain’ for the fact that over (one) half of the body’s nerve cells are located in your gut,” Garber wrote.

For more information about colon hy-dro therapy please refer to www.helpmy-gut.com. The address for the hydro ther-apy clinic is 13451 Sunrise Drive, Blue Ridge Summit, Pennsylvania 17214. The owner of ‘Sally’s colonics therapy’ is Sally Garber and her contact number is 717-794-2144.

POOP Department

“[The colon] has been nicknamed the body’s ‘second brain’ for the

fact that over (one) half of the body’s nerve cells are located in your gut.”

— Sally Garber

Excret’s Mobile App How to H2O tracks your daily water intake. 75% of Americans are dehydrated. Join the 25%

People are talking about what happensBehind Stall Doors

Behind Stall Doors

nAtAlie eAStWooD

There’s something going on behind bathroom stall doors. That’s right, some-thing unspeakable, rarely mentioned, embarrassing even, is taking place every day—people are pooping. Of course, not everyone is self-conscious, but to those who are, I can’t help but ask, “why?”

The answer is buried in history. “It’s a really interesting, kind

of long history how we have be-come ashamed of our bodies,” said Allison Carey, sociology professor at Shippensburg Uni-versity.

The importance of privacy comes from the idea that to have privacy is to be civilized and proper, Carey said.

When Europeans began to develop and take over what was then unchartered wil-derness in the United States, Carey said that Europeans justified their authority to take over the Native American peo-ples with the fact that they had a power attributed to the control of their personal bodies.

“The whole idea of manners is about control. You can control how you react, you can control how you put your fingers on a teacup, you can control the way you

control your body,” Carey said. “This got equated with being civilized and being su-perior.”

Then, with industrialization people packed into cities and it became more important to distinguish between private and public places because the small-town community was lost and neighbors be-came strangers, Carey said. “There be-came much more enforcement of privacy. And having privacy was associated also

with wealth. Wealthy people could afford more privacy,” Carey said. “They could af-ford indoor bathrooms rather than outdoor bathrooms.”

Eric Hertzog, SU junior, said that for him, the bathroom is definitely a place of privacy. Peeing at the urinal is one thing, but pooping is a whole other ball game for Hertzog. When he was in elementary school, Hertzog said that he didn’t like pooping with other people in a public bath-room—something that holds true today. Even if there’s only one person in the stall,

Hertzog said he will just walk out of the bathroom.

“I’m just afraid of people judging me. I’m just uncomfortable around people. That’s my place to be private—the bathroom. I want to be by myself. I want to not feel rushed. I want to take my time… You just want to be by yourself, relax, take a load off.”

On campus, Hertzog said he has a secret bathroom that people rarely frequent and

this is where he goes “number two.”

Shayna Jansen, Shippensburg Univer-sity senior, also said that she would not poop public bathrooms when she was in el-ementary and mid-

dle school. If she could wait until she got home, Jansen said she would because she was more comfortable using a bathroom in her house.

“It was just one of those weird quirky things,” she said.

Once she reached high school and joined the track and field team, Jansen was at school from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., and that was just too long for her to hold it.

“It was more by force that got me used to it. And I’ve been fine ever since,” Jansen said.

“I’m just afraid of people judging me. I’m just uncomfortable around people. That’s

my place to be private—the bathroom.” — Eric Hertzog

POOP Department

“What we’re comfortable talking about, everything we do, what we will reveal, the space that we give, is all shaped by gender.” — Allison Carey

Of course, not everyone is self-conscious about pooping. Several men and women, who were mostly college students, said that pooping in public places did not both-er them—their repeated mantra, “If you gotta go, you gotta go.”

Even though just as many women as men said that they didn’t mind pooping in public restrooms, I still questioned if gender plays a role in bathroom habits. This past summer at my job, I probably analyzed the bathroom traffic too much, because it led me to wonder how gender differences play into people’s habits when it comes to public bathrooms. From my desk, I could see both the men and women’s bathrooms, which were for one person at a time.

The contrast between men and women was strikingly different. The women in the office almost snuck to the bathroom, walking quietly and efficiently, and then rapped softly on the door before entering. The men however, ambled over, talking to the rest of the office members as they went. Then, oftentimes they would open the door and pause halfway between the office and the bathroom where they might have a five minute conversation with

someone.“What we’re comfortable talking about,

everything we do, what we will reveal, the space that we give, is all shaped by gender,” Carey said.

Gender roles go beyond pink and blue, she said. Even when a fetus is in the womb, parents use a different tone and language based on the gender of their child, she said. Parents continue to treat their children differently based on pre-prescribed norms.

“Even as a sociologist I was flabber-gasted to realize the difference between clothing. Boys’ clothes are much more comfortable, much more durable, and girls are put in tight, body fitting things even from really young ages,” Carey said. “They are put in skirts and things that make it hard for them to move around, so girls become much more conscious of their bodies, which is going to relate to the bathroom behavior.”

When she talks about gender roles, however, Carey said it is a general pat-

tern that does not apply to everyone. So as a general rule, women are taught to be pretty and nice and learn from an early age that their appearance is important in their status. Whereas men have histori-cally held economic and political power, women have not, and so they rely more heavily on their appearance as a source of power, Carey said.

“And part of the expectation of ap-pearance is that it’s supposed to look effortless, because if it looks like a sign

of oppression, then you’re not doing it right,” Carey said. It’s a sign of status for someone to be able to com-plain and reveal

weaknesses, Carey said, because it means they have the power to do so.

“It’s a sign of power that men are al-lowed to work out and sweat and smell … Just that freedom to just be in their natural bodies and have their natural bodies be more excepted, that’s power,” Carey said.

POOP Department

Since men have been responsible for matters of economy and politics histori-cally, Carey said that they are given mor-al leeway. Women, however, have been charged with the responsibility of main-taining a morals and keeping control over their appearance and bodies.

“Even in the bathroom, women don’t want to make noise when they’re doing something natural,” Carey said.

Although she has no qualms about pooping in public restrooms, Lauren Leh-man, Shippensburg University senior, said that it seems like girls are embar-rassed to admit that they poop. Teenag-ers and young girls in particular proba-bly feel that they’re going to be judged whereas men embrace that unclean side of themselves and it’s not an issue, Leh-man said.

“It’s not a part of a girl’s social struc-ture to talk about [bathroom habits], or at least doesn’t happen often, so they see it as something that shouldn’t happen, if that makes any sense,” she said.

There is so much pressure for girls to be “doll-like” Lehman said. This is part of the reason she said that most her friends were boys growing up—it was too hard to be around that specific girl mindset, so she surrounded herself with fart jokes and a sense of ease that accompanies boys.

“Not to say social pressure isn’t on boys as well. I think they expected to act a certain way as well, but as far as that goes I think they’re more free to act the way they want to and no one judges them for talking about … fart bathroom jokes, talking about what they did in the bath-room,” she said. “Whether it’s a bowl movement or urinat-ing, it’s not a big deal for them.”

The fact that men have two separate places to pee and poop—the urinal and

the toilette—may contribute to the ease that they have when it comes pooping in public places, Jansen said.

“I think it makes it less of a deal be-cause there’s no guessing about it,” she said. “Even though it’s behind a stall, it’s

open knowledge that that’s what you’re doing.”

In comparison to the women’s bath-room, everything is in a stall, so it’s easi-er to keep your private business private, she said.

Despite the fact that people may pre-tend it doesn’t happen, there’s no deny-ing that everybody poops. No amount of sneaking into an empty bathroom or spraying Hawaiian scented breezes will change the fact that brown sludge will slide from between two cheeks, small pel-lets will rocket themselves to a porcelain landing, or a gas-propelled slop will splat-ter white walls.

“It’s not a part of a girl’s social structure to talk about [bathroom habits], or at least doesn’t happen often, so they see it as something

that shouldn’t happen, if that makes any sense.” — Lauren Lehman said.

I think [boys] are more free to act the way they

want to and no one judges them for talking about what they did in

the bathroom.” — Lauren Lehman

Why aren’t some people talking about their poop? Who is silenced by the social norms of bathroom habits?

POOP Department

Your urine tells a story just like the lines on your hands show the future

What does your pee say about you?John Doe Writer

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consec-tetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo li-gula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturi-ent montes, nascetur ridiculus mus.

Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellen-tesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla conse-quat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate eget, arcu. In enim justo, rhoncus ut, imperdiet a, venenatis vitae, justo.

Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pre-tium. Integer tincidunt. Cras dapibus. Vi-vamus elementum semper nisi. Aenean vulputate eleifend tellus. Aenean leo ligu-

la, porttitor eu, consequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapibus i

n, viverra quis, feugiat a, tellus. Phasel-lus viverra nulla ut metus varius laoreet.

Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet. Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabi-tur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhoncus, sem quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luctus pulvinar, hendrerit id, lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincid-unt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis faucibus.

Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci eget eros faucibus tincidunt. Duis leo. Sed fringilla mauris sit amet nibh. Donec

sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget bibendum sodales, augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sapien. Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui.

Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendrerit fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In ac dui quis mi consec-tetuer lacinia.

Nam pretium turpis et arcu. Duis arcu tortor, suscipit eget, imperdiet nec, imper-diet iaculis, ipsum.

Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing.

Your urine tells a story just like the lines on your hands show the future



Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pre-tium. Integer tincidunt. Cras dapibus. Vi-vamus elementum semper nisi. Aenean vulputate eleifend tellus. Aenean leo ligu-la, porttitor eu, consequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapibus i

n, viverra quis, feugiat a, tellus. Phasel-

lus viverra nulla ut metus varius laoreet. Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet.

Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabi-tur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhoncus, sem quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luctus pulvinar, hendrerit id, lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincid-unt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis faucibus.

Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci eget eros faucibus tincidunt. Duis leo. Sed fringilla mauris sit amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget bibendum sodales, augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a

libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sapien. Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui.



Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing. Phasellus ullamcorper ipsum rutrum nunc. Nunc nonummy metus. Vestibulum volutpat pretium libero. Cras id dui. Aene-



Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pretium. Integer tinci-dunt. Cras dapibus. Vivamus elementum semper nisi. Aenean vulputate eleifend tellus. Aenean leo ligula, porttitor eu, con-sequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapibus i


Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet. Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabi-tur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget

dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhoncus, sem quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luctus pulvinar, hendrerit id,

lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincid-unt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis faucibus.

Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci eget eros faucibus tincidunt. Duis leo. Sed

fringilla mauris sit amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget biben-dum sodales, augue velit cur-sus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sapien. Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, me-tus. Nullam accumsan lorem

in dui. Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendrerit

fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In ac dui quis mi consec-



Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pre-tium. Integer tincidunt. Cras dapibus. Vi-vamus elementum semper nisi. Aenean

vulputate eleifend tellus. Aenean leo ligu-la, porttitor eu, consequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapibus i


Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet. Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabi-tur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhoncus, sem quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luctus pulvinar, hendrerit id, lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincid-

unt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis faucibus.

Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci eget eros faucibus tincidunt. Duis leo. Sed fringilla mauris sit amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget bibendum sodales, augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sapien. Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui.

Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendrerit fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis

“Most hunger pains are actually your stomcah asking for water. People just need to drink more. Drink more water that is.” — John Doe

URINE Department

Light your fire

John Doe Writer

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consec-tetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo li-gula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridic-ulus mus.

Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, ali-quet nec, vulputate eget, arcu. In enim justo, rhoncus ut, imperdiet a, venenatis vitae, justo.

Nullam dictum felis eu pede mol-lis pretium. Integer tincidunt. Cras dapi-bus. Vivamus elementum semper nisi. Aenean vulputate eleifend tellus. Aenean leo ligula, porttitor eu, consequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapibus i



Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci eget eros faucibus tincidunt. Duis leo.

Sed fringilla mauris sit amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget bibendum sodales, augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sapien. Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut,

mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui.



Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing. Phasellus ullamcorper ipsum rutrum nunc. Nunc nonummy metus. Vestibulum volutpat pretium libero. Cras id dui. Aene-an ut eros et nisl sagittis vestibulum. Nul-lam nulla eros, ultricies sit amet, nonum-my id, imperdiet feugiat, pede. Sed lectus. Donec mollis hendrerit risus. Phasellus nec sem in justo pellentesque facilisis.

Etiam imperdiet imperdiet orci. Nunc nec neque. Phasellus leo dolor, tempus non, auctor et, hendrerit quis, nisi.

Curabitur ligula sapien, tincidunt non, euismod vitae, posuere imperdiet, leo. Maecenas malesuada. Praesent congue

erat at massa. Sed cursus turpis vi-tae tortor. Donec posuere vulputate arcu. Phasellus accumsan cursus velit.

Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices po-suere cubilia Curae; Sed aliquam, nisi quis porttitor congue, elit erat euismod orci, ac amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed conse-quat, leo eget bibendum sodales, au-

gue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sa-pien.

Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui. Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendrerit fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In ac dui quis mi consectetuer lacinia. Nam pretium turpis et arcu.

Duis arcu tortor, suscipit eget, imperd-iet nec, imperdiet iaculis, ipsum. Sed ali-quam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing. Phasel-lus ullamcorper ipsum rutrum nunc. Nunc nonummy metus.

Vestibulum volutpat pretium libero. Cras id dui. Aenean ut eros et nisl sagittis vestibulum. Nullam nulla eros, ultricies

“My gas is practically flam-mable. And I wish I was joking.

Give me a match and I could start a fire.” — John Doe

GAS Department

This is my farting face. Hot right?



Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pretium. Integer tincidunt. Cras dapibus. Vivamus elemen-tum semper nisi. Aenean vulpu-tate eleifend tellus. Aenean leo ligula, porttitor eu, consequat vitae, eleif-end ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapi-bus i


Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet. Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabi-tur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhoncus, sem

quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luctus pulvinar, hendrerit id, lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincid-unt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero

venenatis faucibus. Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci

eget eros faucibus tincidunt. Duis leo. Sed fringilla mauris sit amet nibh. Donec so-dales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo

eget bibendum sodales, augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vul-putate eleifend sapien. Vestibu-lum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui.

Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendrerit fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In ac dui quis mi

consectetuer lacinia. Nam pretium turpis et arcu. Duis arcu

tortor, suscipit eget, imperdiet nec, imper-diet iaculis, ipsum.

Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consec-tetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum so-ciis natoque penatibus et magnis dis par-turient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus.

Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pel-lentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate eget, arcu. In enim justo, rhoncus ut, im-perdiet a, venenatis vitae, justo.

Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pre-tium. Integer tincidunt. Cras dapibus. Vivamus elementum semper nisi. Aenean vulputate eleifend tellus. Aenean leo ligu-la, porttitor eu, consequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapibus i




Cras ultricies mi eu turpis hendrerit fringilla. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In ac dui quis mi consec-

“So my gas was getting so bad that my girlfriend started leaving

the room. It was bad—I won’t deny that, but I just didn’t know what to do about it.” — John Doe

GAS Department

It will Blow You AwayJohn Doe Writer


Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellen-tesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla con-sequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringil-la vel, aliquet nec, vulpu-tate eget, arcu. In enim justo, rhoncus ut, imper-diet a, venenatis vitae, justo.

Nullam dictum felis eu pede mollis pretium. Integer tincidunt. Cras dapibus. Vivamus elementum semper nisi. Aenean vulputate eleifend tellus. Aenean leo ligula, porttitor eu, consequat vitae, eleifend ac, enim. Aliquam lorem ante, dapibus i


Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet. Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabi-tur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhoncus, sem

quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luctus pulvinar, hendrerit id, lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincid-unt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis faucibus.

Nullam quis ante. Etiam sit amet orci eget eros faucibus tincidunt. Duis leo. Sed fringilla mauris sit amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat,

leo eget bibendum sodales, augue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sapien. Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut, mollis sed, nonummy id, metus. Nullam accumsan lorem in dui.


Nam pretium turpis et arcu. Duis arcu tortor, suscipit eget, imperdiet nec, imper-

diet iaculis, ipsum. Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer

ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing. Phasellus ullamcorper ipsum rutrum nunc. Nunc nonummy metus. Vestibulum volutpat pretium libero. Cras id dui. Aene-an ut eros et nisl sagittis vestibulum. Nul-lam nulla eros, ultricies sit amet, nonum-my id, imperdiet feugiat, pede. Sed lectus.

Donec mollis hendrerit risus. Phasellus nec sem in justo pellentesque fac-ilisis. Etiam imperdiet imperdiet orci. Nunc nec neque. Phasellus leo do-lor, tempus non, auctor et, hendrerit quis, nisi.

Curabitur ligula sa-pien, tincidunt non, eu-

ismod vitae, posuere imperdiet, leo. Mae-cenas malesuada. Praesent congue erat at massa. Sed cursus turpis vitae tortor. Donec posuere vulputate arcu. Phasellus accumsan cursus velit.

Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in fauc-ibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubil-ia Curae; Sed aliquam, nisi quis porttitor congue, elit erat euismod orci, ac amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget bibendum sodales, au-gue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sa-

“Any stronger and it would blow Dorothy and Toto back to Oz.” —

John Doe

GAS Department





Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet. Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabi-tur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhoncus, sem quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc,

blandit vel, luctus pulvinar, hendrerit id, lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincid-unt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis faucibus.




Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing. Phasellus ullamcorper ipsum rutrum

nunc. Nunc nonummy metus. Vestibulum volutpat pretium libero. Cras id dui. Aene-an ut eros et nisl sagittis vestibulum. Nul-lam nulla eros, ultricies sit amet, nonum-my id, imperdiet feugiat, pede. Sed lectus. Donec mollis hendrerit risus. Phasellus nec sem in justo pellentesque facilisis. Etiam imperdiet imperdiet orci. Nunc nec neque. Phasellus leo dolor, tempus non, auctor et, hendrerit quis, nisi.

Curabitur ligula sapien, tincidunt non, euismod vitae, posuere imperdiet, leo. Maecenas malesuada. Praesent congue erat at massa. Sed cursus turpis vitae tor-tor. Donec posuere vulputate arcu. Phasel-lus accumsan cursus velit.

Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in fauc-ibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubil-ia Curae; Sed aliquam, nisi quis porttitor congue, elit erat euismod orci, ac amet nibh. Donec sodales sagittis magna. Sed consequat, leo eget bibendum sodales, au-gue velit cursus nunc, quis gravida magna mi a libero. Fusce vulputate eleifend sa-pien.

Vestibulum purus quam, scelerisque ut,

GAS Department

“I was mid-poop when I looked up to face a full-sized bear.”

Dear Pooper in the Woods,I just wanted to say that I’m

sorry for interrupting such a private moment the other morning when your pants were around your ankles and you had this expression of intense concentration. I swear it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I myself was headed to the same tree for my morn-ing dump. If anything, you should be apoligizing to me. You came into my home, crapped on my tree, and didn’t even have the decency to burry your poop under some leaves before running away. Speaking of which, you didn’t even say hello when I stood up and waved. Where were your manners? Well, I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much from your human-kind, so I’m willing to put all of this behind us. Let’s love and let go. If you come to poop by my tree again, bring some wet wipes to share. I have some major clumping issues involving very thick fur and very sticky poop. Maybe you could help me. We’ll call that our truce. A bonding experience. Okay, I can’t wait. I’ll meet you by the tree, our tree now, tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. sharp. See you then! With love, Wally





Quisque rutrum. Aenean imperdiet.

Etiam ultricies nisi vel augue. Curabi-tur ullamcorper ultricies nisi. Nam eget dui. Etiam rhoncus. Maecenas tempus, tellus eget condimentum rhoncus, sem quam semper libero, sit amet adipiscing sem neque sed ipsum. Nam quam nunc, blandit vel, luctus pulvinar, hendrerit id, lorem. Maecenas nec odio et ante tincid-unt tempus. Donec vitae sapien ut libero venenatis faucibus.




Sed aliquam ultrices mauris. Integer ante arcu, accumsan a, consectetuer eget, posuere ut, mauris. Praesent adipiscing. Phasellus ullamcorper ipsum rutrum nunc. Nunc nonummy metus. Vestibulum volutpat pretium libero. Cras id dui. Aene-an ut eros et nisl sagittis vestibulum. Nul-lam nulla eros, ultricies sit amet, nonum-my id, imperdiet feugiat, pede. Sed lectus.

From John Doe

Shits and Giggles

Sometimes bodily functions are dirty. That’s just the way it is.

Post your own jokes on our facebook at Excrete Maga-zine or twitter at theshit. Seriously, we want to hear every gritty detail. Let ‘er rip loud and clear.

The skipper caterpillar can propel its stool more than five feet in the air. Thought to be a defence mechanism against predators that track caterpillar excrement, this remarkable feat is the euivalen of a human being launching his or her stool more than 200 feet!

An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. “How’re you doing?” asks the doctor. “Pretty good,” answers the old man. “I’m eating well, and I’m still in con-trol of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me.”

The doctor decides not to com-ment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man’s wife. “How’re you feeling?” he asks. “I’m doing well,” answers the old woman. The doctor says, “That’s nice. It sounds like you and your hus-band are both doing well.

One thing though - your hus-band said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?” “Oh No,” says the woman, “He’s pee-ing in the refrigerator again.”

Farting Pick Up Lines: Mind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted? Did you fart....Because you are blowing me away! Hey, somebody farted. Let’s get out of here.

An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The husband replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—

waiting for the bathroom.” —Bob Hope

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word “ definitely “ in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?”

The Teacher says, “Of course not Johnny.”

To which Johnny replies, “Then I have definitely s**t my pants.”

A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly, with the Waiter right behind her. Shocked, she sits back up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop That!” To which the Waiter replies “Sure, Which Way Did It Go?”

Q: What’s the defini-tion of bravery? A: a man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Q: What is the sharpest thing in the world? A: A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn’t even leave a hole.

Shits and Giggles

I pooped Dad! Like seriously, I pooped!

Documents

Excrete (Eastwood)