EXPOSED! (Eight 10-Minute Tales About What Really Happened)

By Sean Abley, Michael Beyer, Jenny Kirkland-Laffey, Amy Seeley Copyright © 2013 by Sean Abley, Michael Beyer, Jenny Kirkland-Laffey, Amy Seeley, All rights reserved. ISBN: 1-60003-676-7 CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this Work is subject to a royalty. This Work is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention and the Berne Convention. RIGHTS RESERVED: All rights to this Work are strictly reserved, including professional and amateur stage performance rights. Also reserved are: motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information and storage retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into non-English languages. PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock performance rights to this Work are controlled exclusively by Brooklyn Publishers, LLC. No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this play without securing license and royalty arrangements in advance from Brooklyn Publishers, LLC. Questions concerning other rights should be addressed to Brooklyn Publishers, LLC. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Professional and stock fees will be set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances. Any licensing requests and inquiries relating to amateur and stock (professional) performance rights should be addressed to Brooklyn Publishers, LLC. Royalty of the required amount must be paid, whether the play is presented for charity or profit and whether or not admission is charged. AUTHOR CREDIT: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this play must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production of this play. The author’s billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line where no other written matter appears. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the play. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s). PUBLISHER CREDIT: Whenever this play is produced, all programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Brooklyn Publishers, LLC COPYING: Any unauthorized copying of this Work or excerpts from this Work is strictly forbidden by law. No part of this Work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means now known or yet to be invented, including photocopying or scanning, without prior permission from Brooklyn Publishers, LLC.

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SYNOPSIS Presented like an investigative TV show, EXPOSED! is a collection of eight 10-minute scenes exploring what might have really happened. What if Rumpelstiltskin wasn’t a bad guy? What if Charles Dickens was a frustrated stand-up comic? What if Dr. Jekyll turned into Miss Hyde? What if Hansel and Gretel just made up the story about the witch? What if Peter Pan just wasn’t that into Wendy? These stories plus Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Robin Hood and a very famous candy maker whose name rhymes with “Billy Bonkers” are all exposed as having very different back stories than the ones we think we know. Written as a collection of one-acts that can be either presented as a full evening of theater, or broken out for drama festivals and competition, EXPOSED! is chock full of great roles for up to over 30 actors.

CHARACTERS (Male 1-21, Female 1-16, Either 1-2,

2-35 total {depending on scenes chosen}) WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #1-#9 WARREN PIECE (or EILEEN DOVERANDFELL) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: MY STORY RUMPELSTILTSKIN KING BEATRIX NIKOLETTE CHARLES DICKENS: KING OF COMEDY GEORGINA CHARLES DICKENS CINDERELLA, SLEEPING BEAUTY AND THE BIG SWITCHEROO! CINDERELLA SLEEPING BEAUTY

Exposed!- Page 3 INSIDE THE CORNER OFFICE: THE REAL STORY OF THE BONKERS CANDY FACTORY BILLY BONKERS CHARLES GRANDPA HANSEL AND GRETEL: A TALE OF SIBLING RIVALRY HANSEL GRETEL WITCH DR. JEKYLL AND LITTLE MISS HYDE ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON MRS. CALLIWELL JEKYLL’S ASSISTANT DR. JEKYLL MISS HYDE THE ADVENTURES OF ROXIE HOOD: ROBIN'S ANNOYING SISTER ROBIN HOOD MR. SULLIVAN FARMER GUARD ROXIE HOOD WENDY & PETER: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE NURSERY WENDY JOHN MICHAEL PETER TINK

DURATION 10-80 minutes (depending on how many scenes chosen)

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PRODUCTION NOTES EXPOSED! was written to be either an evening’s worth of entertainment, or broken out in to separate one-acts for festivals and competitions. If you choose to present all eight one-acts together, you may use the wrap around written for this collection, or just present the pieces one after another. You may also use fewer than all eight pieces if your production has time restrictions. Many of these pieces were written to be performed as a quick-change exercise for two actors. Some of the transformations are lightning fast, and humor should be found in the changes themselves. For these plays, as imagined by the playwrights, each actor wears a basic costume that fits the one-act in question, then adds and removes pieces to represent each character. However, casting a separate actor in each role is perfectly acceptable.

PROPERTIES – PERSONAL NOTE: Many, if not all, of these props may be mimed.

WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #1 Photo RUMPELSTILTSKIN: MY STORY Diary Quill “Help Wanted” flyer Straw (can be imaginary) Pile of gold (can be imaginary) Baby in blanket Drivers license CHARLES DICKENS: KING OF COMEDY “Arrow thru the head” gag Microphone (can be imaginary) Newspaper Writing paper Quills (2) Cup of tea Pages of writing Box of chocolates

Exposed!- Page 5 CINDERELLA, SLEEPING BEAUTY AND THE BIG SWITCHEROO! Pillow Invitation INSIDE THE CORNER OFFICE: THE REAL STORY OF THE BONKERS CANDY FACTORY Pen (2) Paper Contract (2) Piece of Candy (Charles) Notebook Smart phone Candy bar (Billy) Soda Glasses (2) HANSEL AND GRETEL: A TALE OF SIBLING RIVALRY Piece of paper Map Pizza Sticks and twigs Candy DR. JEKYLL AND LITTLE MISS HYDE Quill Writing paper Invitation Beaker filled with fluid Drink umbrella Shopping list Box of tea cakes WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #7 Book – “Britney Spears, My Thoughts On Math” THE ADVENTURES OF ROXIE HOOD: ROBIN’S ANNOYING SISTER Pool noodle sword (2) Communication headset (2) Chicken Jewels (can be imaginary) WENDY & PETER: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE NURSERY Shadow

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EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #1

(LIGHTS UP. THEME MUSIC plays.) WARREN PIECE (or EILEEN DOVERANDFELL): Hello, and welcome to

tonight’s edition of Exposed exclamation point! My name is Warren Piece, and I’ll be your host for this evening.

Here in the Exposed! studios, we’re on a mission to uncover the truth beneath all the insidious lies we’ve been fed by the mainstream media for far too long. You might remember we uncovered the truth behind Jack Sprat. According to our sources, and this photo… (Holds up photo.) Mr. Sprat actually ate fat as part of a fraternity initiation stunt in college. Exposed! Nice try, Mr. Sprat. And FYI, we have our eye on your wife as well.

Tonight we have eight truly shocking tales of what really happened to some very famous people. Get ready to have your mind blown with the horrifying details behind stories you thought you knew. We’ll give you all the details, and by the end of this episode they will all be exposed!

First up, the true story of one Rumpelstiltskin…

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: MY STORY By Sean Abley

CAST ACTOR ONE: RUMPELSTILTSKIN and KING ACTOR TWO: BEATRIX and NIKOLETTE (LIGHTS UP. RUMPELSTILTSKIN is on stage, speaking directly to the audience.) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hello everyone, welcome to Germany. The year

is 1812, and my name is Rumpelstiltskin. No, you don’t have to guess. I’ll tell you right now – Rumpelstiltskin. No one has to guess my name. That wasn’t a thing. That story you heard, about the spinning straw into gold and stealing a baby and splitting myself in half because I was so mad? Not true. I get a super bad rap for that whole thing, and about the only true part of it is I know how to spin

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straw into gold. But anyone can do that, honestly. You just have to pay attention in Home Ec. So let’s set the record straight. First of all, there was this girl. Let’s just call her Beatrix… because her name was Beatrix and I want everyone to know what a nightmare she was!

(BEATRIX enters holding her diary and a quill.) BEATRIX: OMG 1812 is super boring! Everything is totally dusty and

smells like a barn. Lame. (Opens her diary and starts to write.) “Dear Diary, Every day is the same here. I wake up, eat some breakfast strudel, go to school, then go to cheerleading practice where we have, like, one cheer. Yes, Germany invented gymnastics, but seriously, how many words rhyme with “gymnastics?” I don’t have a boyfriend so I’m totally going to die alone, and the humidity is making my hair frizz. How am I going to get famous with frizzy hair and no boyfriend?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: One day Beatrix, the total nightmare, decided to take matters into her own hands and start being famous.

(BEATRIX is now in a crowded outdoor area, trying to get the crowd’s attention.) BEATRIX: Hey everybody! Guess what? I … uh… I… I met Immanuel

Kant, the philosopher who wrote “Inquiry Concerning the Distinctness of the Principles of Natural Theology and Morality.” Okay, that might be a tad specific. Hey everyone, my great, great, great grandparents were Anthony and Cleopatra! Anyone an Egypt fan? Hmmm…. And… I… uh… can spin straw into gold!

(The crowd has stopped to listen.)

Yeah, that’s right! Totally spin straw into gold. See this ring? It was a bale of hay just this morning. So, yeah, it would probably be awesome to be friends with someone who can spin straw into gold.

(The KING enters.) KING: Hello, I’m the King of Everything. (SFX: Royal trumpets) BEATRIX: (Curtseying deeply.) Oh, my goodness! Your Highness! KING: I heard through the grapevine that you can spin straw into gold.

Is that true? BEATRIX: Uh, well…

Exposed!- Page 8 KING: I sure hope so, because it’s the law of the land in the Kingdom of

Everything that people who lie on their resume are flogged in the public square –

BEATRIX: Yikes! KING: – then thrown off a cliff into a pool of quicksand filled with sharks

and knitting needles. BEATRIX: Harsh! KING: So, straw into gold? BEATRIX: Absolutely! Not a problem. I can totally do that for you. KING: Good! You have twenty-four hours. We’ll be in touch! (BEATRIX curtseys as the KING exits. SFX: Royal trumpets.) BEATRIX: Great! Now what am I going to do?! I can’t really spin straw

into gold! I’m totally going to get flogged then eaten by sharks in quicksand! This is so unfair! (Throws herself on the ground, kicks her heels and generally has a hissy fit. Then SHE suddenly sits up straight with an idea.) Wait a minute! I have an idea! I can’t spin straw into gold, but someone must be able to. This is a fairy tale, after all. I just have to find him or her.

(BEATRIX jumps up, grabs a piece of paper with a “Help Wanted” ad and tear-off tabs at the bottom from off stage and tapes it to the wall.)

Somebody in the Kingdom of Everything will see this and come to my rescue. (Exits.)

(RUMPELSTILTSKIN enters and immediately sees the sign.) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What’s this? (Reads.) “Wanted – Spinner with the

golden touch. Required skills – spinning straw into gold. Immediate opening. Good pay with generous benefits package.” This sounds right up my alley! (Tears one of the tabs off the bottom of the ad.) “See Beatrix at 5 Cobblestone Lane.”

(BEATRIX enters.) BEATRIX: That’s me! And you are? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Rumpelstiltskin at your service. (To audience.)

Please note that I just told her my name. Straight up, right to her face, told her my name was Rumpelstiltskin. (Back to scene.) I saw your “Help Wanted” ad.

BEATRIX: Excellent! So, you have all the qualifications I listed? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yes, all one of them. I can spin straw into gold. BEATRIX: You’re hired!

Exposed!- Page 9 RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Not so fast. Before I accept the job, I need to

know what the “good pay with generous benefits package” is. BEATRIX: W-e-e-e-l-l…. It’s sort of a commission situation. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So I get a percentage of the gold I spin? BEATRIX: W-e-e-e-l-l… How about I give you something even better? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Like what? BEATRIX: W-e-e-e-l-l… I’m just sort of speaking off the top of my head

here… How about my first-born child? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Your first-born child?! BEATRIX: Sure! RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How long am I going to have to wait for that? BEATRIX: Well, I’m not even married yet, so it’s going to be a little

while. But I think the King of Everything has his eye on me, and when we get married we’re going to have, like, twenty kids. So I can totally give you my first one and I’ll barely even miss it.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hmmmm… I don’t know… BEATRIX: (Turning on the flirty charm.) Oh, come on. Can you please

do me this one favor? You’re so awesome and cool. I bet you could totally spin an entire bale of hay in, like, five minutes.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well… BEATRIX: I don’t even know how to work one of those… yarn maker

things… RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You mean a spinning wheel? BEATRIX: See? You’re totally better at this than I am! Can you help

me? Please? (Makes flirty sad face.) If you don’t, the king will totally throw me off a cliff into quicksand. Please…?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Okay, yes, I’ll spin straw into gold for you. BEATRIX: Yay! RUMPELSTILTSKIN: But at the commission you agreed to. One first-

born baby in exchange for straw spun into gold. BEATRIX: Oh, absolutely! Totally. You’re the best, seriously. (Leads

him over to a pile of straw.) Okay, here’s the straw. I guess you can bring your spinning wheel thingy over here and just get to it, right?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Sure. BEATRIX: Okay, so I’ll see you in the morning. And… uh… (A beat.)

Bye! (Exits.) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To audience.) So I spend all night spinning this

straw into gold. And I have pride in my work, so this isn’t just gold-plated junk, this is fourteen carat gold. And I made an assortment – gold coins, gold bars, gold leaf. I even threw in some gold teeth because I knew the King of Everything could use a new grill. So the next morning….

(BEATRIX enters.)

Exposed!- Page 10 BEATRIX: Whoa! This is amazing! I can’t believe it! All that straw into

gold in one night! You really out did yourself, uh – (Gestures to RUMPELSTILTSKIN, can’t remember his name.)

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Rumpelstiltskin. BEATRIX: —you! Wow, this is outstanding. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (To audience.) Full name reveal Number Two for

those keeping track. BEATRIX: (Starts ushering RUMPELSTILTSKIN out the door.) So

thanks a bunch. I’m totally grateful. Your work has exceeded our expectations.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Thank you. Now, about the fee… BEATRIX: Of course, just submit an invoice for the total amount due – RUMPELSTILTSKIN: An invoice for a baby? BEATRIX: – and the King’s accounting department will issue payment in

full within one hundred years. We wish you success in your future endeavors. Bye!

(BEATRIX shoves RUMPELSTILTSKIN out the door.)

This is so exciting! The King is going to lose his mind over this. Hey, King! I’m done! I totally spun straw into gold!

(KING enters. SFX: Royal trumpets.) KING: All hail me! BEATRIX: (Curtseying deeply.) Consider yourself hailed, Your

Highness. KING: Is this a pile of gold I see before me? BEATRIX: Yes, Your Highness! I spun it from a pile of straw last night. KING: That is one serious bling pile, fo sho! BEATRIX: Oh, well, you know, it’s no biggie. Just a little talent I have. KING: You are one beautiful – (Turns to the pile of gold.) – pile of gold.

I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you, Pile of Gold. I wish I could marry you, but alas, I can’t marry an inanimate object. So I guess I’ll marry – (Halfheartedly gestures to BEATRIX.) – her instead.

BEATRIX: Yay! KING: Pack your things, fair maiden. You’re about to become the

Queen of Everything! (Exits.) (BEATRIX curtseys. SFX: Royal trumpets.) BEATRIX: I win! Queen of Everything! I’m so stoked! I can’t wait to say

stuff like, “Off with his head!” and “Bring me a fig!” and “Off with her head!” This is going to be awesome! (Exits.)

Exposed!- Page 11 (RUMPELSTILTSKIN enters.) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So Beatrix became Queen of Everything and

moved into the castle. And it looked like I was going to collect on my debt of her first-born child.

(BEATRIX enters, carrying a baby.) BEATRIX: Ah, motherhood! What a beautiful experience giving birth to

my first child! RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’ll take that! BEATRIX: (Startled.) What?! Who are you?! How did you get in here? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You don’t remember me? After all I’ve done for

you? BEATRIX: Oh, wait, are you the maid? I’m so sorry. Electricity hasn’t

been invented yet, so it’s kind of dark in here. Fetch me something to drink, maid!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I’m not the maid! BEATRIX: Your voice totally sounds like the maid. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It does not! (Lowering his voice.) It does not!

Now look here, I helped you and we had a deal. So hand over that child!

BEATRIX: What deal? I don’t remember any deal. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You hired me to spin straw into gold so the king

wouldn’t toss you into a quicksand-shark-knitting needle pit, and you promised to pay me in first-born children.

BEATRIX: I don’t remember that at all. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well that’s not my problem. Gimme that baby! BEATRIX: No! (RUMPELSTILTSKIN chases BEATRIX around the stage, demanding the baby, as SHE flees and refuses. Finally -- )

Stop it! Now look, can’t we come to some sort of agreement? You can chase me all day, but you’re small and weird, and I’m faster than you are. How about I pay you a gajillion dollars? Wouldn’t that be nice?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I can spin straw into gold. Why would I need a gajillion dollars?

BEATRIX: (Flirty.) But you’re so awesome and stuff. Couldn’t you let me off just this once? Pl-e-e-e-a-s-e? I’ll never offer you my first-born child again. Promise.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Nope. You owe me a first-born child. Hand it over!

Exposed!- Page 12 BEATRIX: Please, whatever your name is, isn’t there something we can

do to work this out? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You still don’t know my name? BEATRIX: Of course I do. It’s… Sam… Joe… Bill… Bob… RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You have no idea what my name is. BEATRIX: Look, I have a lot to remember! Which crown do I put on for

formal dinners? Which of the royal food tasters is allergic to peanuts? Did I feed the baby yesterday? I don’t have time to remember every single person’s name who spun straw into gold for me!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Okay, I have a deal for you. And just to make sure you don’t try to get out of it – (Calls out to the crowd.) Everyone! Can I have your attention please! Gather round! The Queen of Everything and I have a deal to make, and we need witnesses!

(RUMPELSTILTSKIN gestures for people to gather around.)

Okay, the Queen promised me her first-born baby as payment for a business arrangement. Naturally, she’s not excited about paying off that debt. So I propose the following: If she can guess my name, she can keep her baby and consider the debt paid. (To BEATRIX.) I’ll give you three guesses. Fair enough?

BEATRIX: Oh… sure. Yes. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Excellent! Alright everyone, guess number one! BEATRIX: Your name is… (Mumbles something into her hand.) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That is not my name. BEATRIX: Sure it is, (Mumbles something into her hand.) You told it to

me when we first met. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Untrue! (Pulls out a drivers license and shows it

to the crowd.) See, right here on my chariot license, absolutely not (Mumbles something into his hand.) Guess number two!

BEATRIX: I need a hint! RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Fine. It rhymes with “crumple milk tin.” BEATRIX: Your name is Nikolaus! RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You’re the dumbest person alive. My name is

Rumpelstiltskin! BEATRIX: I need another hint!

************END OF PREVIEW OF THIS SEGMENT****************

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EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #2

(LIGHTS UP.) WARREN PIECE: Well that was enlightening, wasn’t it? Rumpelstiltskin

exposed! We followed up with Rumpelstiltskin, and today his daughter is making the rounds of reality television shows. Her latest appearance was on Celebrity Amazing Race, where she fell into a volcano on the third episode. So that’s a happy ending for everyone.

Our next segment is about author Charles Dickens. Well known for his incredibly descriptive depictions of Victorian England, Dickens was the author of many books you pretend you’ve read.

Dealing in the poor, the wretched, the lower class, you would assume Dickens to be a sad, pale, little man. You would be wrong. Let’s all learn a little something about Charles Dickens.

CHARLES DICKENS: KING OF COMEDY By Jenny Kirkland-Laffey

CAST GEORGINA CHARLES DICKENS (LIGHTS UP. Our scene opens with GEORGINA speaking to the audience.) GEORGINA: Hello, my name is Georgina Hogarth. No, I’m not

surprised that you have never heard of me. You have, I’m sure heard of my brother-in-law Charles, Charles Dickens. Yes, I see your smiles of recognition. No doubt memories of his stories are now racing through your mind. I have a little secret to share with you. Charles was not so great. No, really. He was a frustrated stand up comedian. Don’t look so shocked. It’s true! I should know, I lived with him all my life and helped my sister raise their ten children. I dare say I was his muse. Let me tell you all about it.

(GEORGINA fades to the back and CHARLES turns to walk forward. HE faces the audience with an arrow through his head ala Steve Martin. If props aren’t allowed then pantomime this.)

Exposed!- Page 14 CHARLES: Hey nonny nonny, it’s great to be here in West Minster, but

what’s with the uptight chicks in the Abbey? Am I right? How about that traffic on London Bridge this morning? After two hours I wished I was falling down. (CHARLES taps the top of his “microphone”) Is this thing on?

(CHARLES turns his back to the audience. GEORGINA comes forward.) GEORGINA: It goes without saying that Charles wasn’t a very good

stand-up comedian. He claimed it was his passion in life to “bring laughter to the slums of England.” Rather than crush his dreams I tried to re-direct his energy.

(GEORGINA and CHARLES now face each other. CHARLES has his head in his hands obviously upset. GEORGINA pats his back to comfort him.) GEORGINA: Now, now Charles. You mustn’t let the critics get you

down. CHARLES: It’s not the critics, it’s this newspaper. (Reading from a

paper.) “Mr. Dickens couldn’t coax a chuckle from a barrister even if he were to bribe him with a bag full of shillings.” Why must you be so cruel, newspaper?

GEORGINA: Perhaps comedy isn’t your calling. Have you considered taking a stab at being a writer?

CHARLES: Writing? Writing I’ve always seen myself as an entertainer. A clown for the common folk, but I suppose I could write my jokes as easily as tell them.

GEORGINA. Or a whimsical story. Here, I shall fetch you some paper and a quill.

(GEORGINA hands CHARLES the paper and quill. As HE writes and cracks himself up GEORGINA turns to the audience.) GEORGINA: That first day Charles wrote with a fury that near frightened

me. And yet, he seemed so happy. Somehow as though a heavy burden had been lifted from his heart.

(GEORGINA turns back to CHARLES. HE stands up pacing and excited.) CHARLES: Yes! Yes, Georgina, I think this will do. This will do nicely!

Might I bend your ear a bit, get your opinion of my little jokes? GEORGINA: Oh Charles, I’d be honored. Truly.

Exposed!- Page 15 (GEORGINA sits and CHARLES reads her some of his jokes in a very animated manner.) CHARLES: Four Pickwickians walk into a pub… no, no it needs more of

a set up. (Starts again.) A philosopher, a ladies man, a poet, and a bad sportsman walk into a pub… no, no that’s too much set up. (CHARLES throws his script on the ground and begins to pull out his hair.) Comedy! She is a wicked mistress!

GEORGINA: (Rushes to his side.) Charles, you mustn’t abuse yourself so.

CHARLES: Perhaps I do need abuse myself. Perhaps comedy is born of pain and I have not suffered enough. Fetch me a hammer Georgina!

GEORGINA: Charles, I beg of you. This is madness! CHARLES: Fine! If you won’t aid me in my hour of need I shall take

matters into my own hands. (CHARLES proceeds to bite his own hand.) “Owww! Yes, I can taste the comedy seeping from my veins already!”

GEORGINA: (Pulls his hand out of his mouth.) Charles, please! You have suffered. As much as any in England. What with your father thrown into debtors prison and your work as a child in the factory.

CHARLES: My God, Georgina that’s it! You brilliant girl! I’ll write of my time in the factory! (CHARLES fades back to write.)

GEORGINA: (Comes forward to again address the audience.) Charles’ faith in himself seemed renewed. He worked late into the night with the fury of a thousand orphans forced to make lace collars for the royal family. In the morning when I came to bring him his breakfast tea he was exhausted, yes, but with a spark in his eye.

(CHARLES walks toward GEORGINA. SHE offers him his tea.) CHARLES: Not now, please, sit. I think I’ve finally struck upon the

comic chord I seek. Lend me your ear. GEORGINA: I’d be delighted. (Sits down.) CHARLES: (HE straightens his tie in a nervous manner. Fidgety ala

Rodney Dangerfield.) I say, I get very little respect. Once, in the workhouse I asked for more gruel and the overseer said, “More? You want more!” And denied me sustenance! I say I get very little respect. (Smiles at GEORGINA.)

GEORGINA: Oh. Well, um it seems like a start. CHARLES: Then I take out a huge watermelon and smash it with a

sledgehammer. Yes? GEORGINA: Ahh, perhaps. Just thinking that idea of the workhouse

might play out best in a short story rather than a joke.

Exposed!- Page 16 CHARLES: You hate it. I’m a failure! I truly do not get any respect!

Perhaps I shall just become a cobbler! GEORGINA: No, no! I don’t mean to crush your dreams. It’s just that I

want to find out more about the life of a child laborer and one antidote is not enough. Perhaps you could take a stab at writing a novel.

CHARLES: A novel, eh? But, that takes so much time. I do so love my connection with the audience and having a posse.

GEORGINA: Yes, well. If, rather, when you are a successful author, you can perform staged readings and book signings.

CHARLES: Yes, yes… I shall begin at once. (HE fades back to write.) GEORGINA: It was at this time I began to realize that Charles was a

talentless oaf. But my station in life depended on his success. And my need for chocolates and a desire to stay out of the poor house. With Charles’ energies channeled into a new direction he seemed happy. He stayed out of the limelight for a while and I was able to construct my plan for survival. I realized I would need to guide his hand.

(CHARLES hands GEORGINA a pile of papers. SHE paces and reads. HE follows her like a puppy. SHE takes a pen and begins to make changes to his manuscript and hands it back to him.) CHARLES: I see. So you think it best that Oliver learn to be a

pickpocket instead of going to clown school. Hmmm, I do so love clowns though. The red noses and over sized shoes! How can they walk without tripping?

GEORGINA: Focus, Charles, please! (SHE hands CHARLES his papers. HE begins to write again. THEY each walk in a circle to depict time passing. As THEY meet again HE hands GEORGINA a new stack of papers.) GEORGINA: Hmmmm, so this Scrooge character is visited by three

ghosts? CHARLES: Yes, yes the paranormal is fascinating is it not? GEORGINA: Yes, I just don’t quite understand who these “Ghost

Buster” characters are. CHARLES: Oh, they are a misfit bunch of rouges bent on protecting the

city of London from demon destruction. I especially like the giant fellow named Tiny Tim. Get it? He’s big, yet his name is Tiny Tim. (Long pause) Big fellow, Tiny Tim… is it me?

GEORGINA: No, no, but let us say, just for fun’s sake, that instead of a giant, Tiny Tim is a child. He’s weak and infirm, unable to walk without the aid of a cane.

Exposed!- Page 17 CHARLES: That’s not funny. GEORGINA: Well, no. But this story could, just could mind you, become

a tale of redemption. CHARLES: Oh. Like a lesson? GEORGINA: Yes, of sorts. Here let me show you. (GEORGINA begins to sketch an outline for CHARLES. HE watches her, looses interest, starts to find activities to distract him like a yo-yo etc. GEORGINA writes furiously. SHE hands him the pages.)

Here Charles. What do you think? CHARLES: (Flips through the pages.) It’s long. Kind of sad. I guess it’s

O.K. What if Tiny Tim were to use his cane to trip the ghosts before he captures them and saves the city? I find it ever so hilarious when people fall. (Starts to giggle).

************END OF PREVIEW OF THIS SEGMENT****************

EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #3

(LIGHTS UP.) WARREN PIECE: I think you’ll all agree with me when I say Charles

Dickens was a complete hack! Exposed!

Our next story is the tale of a charming, shoe-loving slob and a beautiful narcoleptic with a mild germ phobia and OCD. You may think that Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty never met, but you’d be wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s almost impossible to tell you how wrong you are, and to be honest I don’t care enough about you to even try. Just trust me on this one – you’re wrong. Exposed!

Exposed!- Page 18

CINDERELLA, SLEEPING BEAUTY AND THE BIG SWITCHEROO!

By Amy Seeley CAST CINDERELLA SLEEPING BEAUTY (LIGHTS UP. CINDERELLA enters the stage and sits on a chair, stage right. SHE is obviously weary.) CINDERELLA: (To herself) It's so very hard to be Cinderella. Clean this!

Organize that! Dust these glass figurines on an unusually high shelf. Ugh! Such oldie-tymie drudgery! (SHE looks up at an invisible waitress.) I'll have a non-fat, soy, caramel latte with extra whip and just a dash of nutmeg, please.

(SLEEPING BEAUTY enters the stage. SHE yawns loudly and sits on a chair a few feet away from CINDERELLA. SLEEPING BEAUTY rubs her eyes and looks around.) SLEEPING BEAUTY: (To herself) It's so very hard to be Sleeping

Beauty. Sleep on your left side! Cuddle on your right side! Adjust your silk pillow filled with the most delicate of swan feathers! Oh, my! Such oldie-tymie drudgery! (SHE looks up at an invisible waitress.) I'll have a double shot of espresso, a Red Bull, and a large Coke, no ice.

CINDERELLA / SLEEPING BEAUTY: (In unison) Nothing interesting ever happens to me! I'd give anything for something different. (THEY each gasp and turn to face each other. In unison.) Because I'm bored out of my mind. (THEY each gasp and stand, looking at each other with surprise. In unison.) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (THEY gasp and look out to the audience.)

CINDERELLA: It's like she can read my mind! SLEEPING BEAUTY: She totally gets me! (THEY grab their chairs and drag them closer together. THEY sit.) CINDERELLA: I'm Cinderella. My step-mom is a real meanie, my

stepsisters are jerks and I clean our castle from dawn to dusk every day of my life.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, hello! I'm Sleeping Beauty and I... um... well...

CINDERELLA: You sleep all the time?

Exposed!- Page 19 SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Nods shyly.) Yeah. There was a curse or a hex

or an evil queen. I sleep so much that my brain chemistry is all out of whack and I don't even remember how it all started.

CINDERELLA: Did you mean what you said about wanting something different?

SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Nods vigorously.) Oh, yes! Indeed. I'm so tired of sleeping all day. The villagers don't realize how hard it is to sleep in such a way that you always look absolutely beautiful.

CINDERELLA: (Looks to the audience and rolls her eyes.) Yeah. Sounds really difficult. Listen, Sleepy--I've got an idea.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Ooh! I love ideas! I mean I think so. (SLEEPING BEAUTY yawns loudly. CINDERELLA looks away in disgust.) CINDERELLA: If we change places, you could get a break from sleeping

and I could take a really long nap. What do you think? SLEEPING BEAUTY: Hmm. I don't know. Would I have to clean

things? CINDERELLA: Yeah, but-- SLEEPING BEAUTY: I'll do it!! I love to clean, and dust, and organize!

(Jumps up and begins pacing with excitement.) I'll need a new mop, a bucket, a bottle of Mr. Clean, lots of rags. Oh, I should make a list! This is gonna be so much fun! Wait! What if we get caught?

CINDERELLA: My evil stepmother and stepsisters haven't made eye contact with me since I was a child. Just throw on my old dirty dress and you'll blend right in. Wait! What if someone notices you're missing?

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, just pull the covers over your head. That's what I do when I get tired of people admiring my stunning beauty.

(CINDERELLA pauses to consider that. SLEEPING BEAUTY starts to exits but turns back.) SLEEPING BEAUTY: Wait a second. How do you know which castle is

mine? CINDERELLA: It's the one across the town square with the big sign out

front that says: "Sleeping Beauty can be viewed from 8AM until 5PM. No flash pictures." In fact, I'm there right now.

(CINDERELLA snaps her fingers. SLEEPING BEAUTY gasps.) CINDERELLA: Yeah. I'm pretty cool. SLEEPING BEAUTY: Have a nice nap! (Exits.)

Exposed!- Page 20 CINDERELLA: Ha! That was easy. And now for the best nap in all of

the kingdom. (Looks around.) Hmm. She sleeps in a glass coffin? Creepy.

(SHE pantomimes opening a coffin. SHE slowly lowers herself into the coffin and attempts to get comfortable. SHE uses her arm as a pillow but can't seem to settle down. SHE's clearly frustrated. SLEEPING BEAUTY enters carrying a pillow.) SLEEPING BEAUTY: Here's your pillow! (Tosses the pillow to

CINDERELLA.) CINDERELLA: Thanks! SLEEPING BEAUTY: You're very welcome! Nighty-night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite. (CINDERELLA glares at SLEEPING BEAUTY.) CINDERELLA: Okay. Goodbye. SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Whispering) Goodbye! Pleasant dreams. CINDERELLA: Less talking, more leaving. (SLEEPING BEAUTY exits.)

Finally! (CINDERELLA puts her head on the pillow and instantly falls asleep. SLEEPING BEAUTY quietly returns and looks to the audience.) SLEEPING BEAUTY: And Cinderella fell fast asleep. She dreamed of

unicorns, rainbows, kitten parties, and giant-sized snow-cones. CINDERELLA: (Wakes up. SHE's clearly annoyed.) Sleepy? SLEEPING BEAUTY: Yes? CINDERELLA: What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY: I'm narrating. CINDERELLA: What? SLEEPING BEAUTY: I'm narrating. I cleaned the entire castle so I

thought I'd help out with a little narration. CINDERELLA: Wait a minute. You're done? You've finished cleaning

the entire castle? SLEEPING BEAUTY: Yep! CINDERELLA: Even the dungeon? SLEEPING BEAUTY: Um... uh... I gotta go! (SLEEPING BEAUTY exits quickly. CINDERELLA puts her head on the pillow and starts to fall asleep.)

Exposed!- Page 21 CINDERELLA: (Sighing) No interruptions, no evil stepsisters, no talking

to enchanted mice. Finally. The perfect nap. (CINDERELLA closes her eyes. SLEEPING BEAUTY enters on her tiptoes.) SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Whispering) Cinderella? (CINDERELLA tosses in her sleep.) CINDERELLA: Mmmph... mernuff... mmmm.... SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Whispering) Are you asleep? (CINDERELLA's eyes open. SHE sits up.) CINDERELLA: What?! What is so important that you had to wake me

from my nap?! SLEEPING BEAUTY: I just wanted to know if you like chocolate cake or

gooseberry pie because me and the enchanted mice got together and we're gonna surprise you with something sweet but never mind. You go back to sleep.

(SLEEPING BEAUTY frowns and starts to leave. CINDERELLA sighs dramatically.) CINDERELLA: I'd love chocolate cake with gooseberry filling. (SLEEPING BEAUTY laughs as SHE exits.) CINDERELLA: Am I the only sane princess around here? Geez! (SHE

puts her head on her pillow. SHE adjusts the pillow by punching it. SHE settles down. SHE sits up and flips over onto her other side, facing away from the audience. SHE sighs loudly. SHE sits up.) Great. Now I can't stop thinking about that chocolate cake with gooseberry filling. Oh, swizzle sticks! (Sits up straighter. SHE has an idea. SHE smiles. To the audience.) And in the middle of her nap, Cinderella was interrupted by Sleeping Beauty carrying a piece of chocolate cake.

(SLEEPING BEAUTY enters looking confused.) CINDERELLA: Where's my cake? I just totally narrated for it. SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, it's been eaten. CINDERELLA: What? SLEEPING BEAUTY: A bunch of dwarfs came over, there was a

magical cow and he ate like ten slices. A really handsome prince stopped by but he couldn't eat any cake.

Exposed!- Page 22 CINDERELLA: Why not? SLEEPING BEAUTY: Enchanted cake allergy. CINDERELLA: You know what? Just keep cleaning. You clean, I'll nap.

All will be well. Okay? SLEEPING BEAUTY: Okay. Oh, I have one question for you. CINDERELLA: What? SLEEPING BEAUTY: Where's your label maker? I wanna label the

poisonous potions, the eyes of newt, and the stepsisters' ugly outfits. CINDERELLA: It's in the label maker room just to the left of the never-

clean fireplace. SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, I cleaned it. See ya! (SLEEPING BEAUTY exits. CINDERELLA holds the pillow to her chest. SHE's upset.) CINDERELLA: She cleaned the never-clean fireplace?! She probably

cleaned it wrong, too. And I bet she forgot to shake out the carpets. They need to be shaken on a daily basis or they don't look all tidy. Oh, and I'm sure she didn't blow out the ten thousand candles on the candelabra. The wax will just build up and she'll end up wrecking everything!! Sleeping Beauty!

(SLEEPING BEAUTY enters looking concerned. CINDERELLA stands and walks toward SLEEPING BEAUTY.) SLEEPING BEAUTY: You called for me? CINDERELLA: We need to switch back. SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, but why? I'm having so much fun cleaning

and organizing. The enchanted mice formed a rock band and I'm gonna be their manager.

CINDERELLA: I can't sleep!! You keep interrupting me, you make me think about cake, the pillow is uncomfortable, and you're probably cleaning everything all wrong! I wanna switch back right now!

SLEEPING BEAUTY: But I don't wanna switch back. (SLEEPING BEAUTY yawns. CINDERELLA points at her.) CINDERELLA: Aha! You just yawned! You're getting sleepy, Sleepy! (SLEEPING BEAUTY stifles another yawn. CINDERELLA points at her.)

Ha! There was another one! SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Sits and frowns.) I suppose I'm only meant to

sleep and be very, incredibly beautiful. (CINDERELLA sits next to her and pats her shoulder.)

Exposed!- Page 23 CINDERELLA: Don't be sad, Sleepy. Today was a good one. SLEEPING BEAUTY: Truly? CINDERELLA: Totally for truly. You got to clean a dusty old castle,

make chocolate cake with a group of talking mice, and handle some very specific narration.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Smiles) And what did you get to do? CINDERELLA: I got to almost sleep which is more sleep than I've had in

a really long time. Plus, I think we both learned that it's fun to sometimes take a vacation from your regular life. And I got a break from my wicked stepsisters which was super nice.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, you won't be hearing from them for a few weeks.

CINDERELLA: Where did they go? SLEEPING BEAUTY: They didn't go anywhere. I put a silence spell on

them so you won't be hearing their voices for the three weeks that the spell will last.

CINDERELLA: Cool! Thanks. (SLEEPING BEAUTY hands CINDERELLA an envelope.) SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oops! I forgot to give you this. Because I was

organizing the mail, I found this pretty invitation. CINDERELLA: (Opens the envelope and reads aloud.) “You are invited

to a grand ball hosted by the prince. Fancy clothing required.” (Sighs.) This is clearly meant for my wicked stepsisters. I can't attend a ball. Besides, I don't have anything fancy to wear.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, you should totally go, Cinderella! You'll have fun! I can send my fairy godmother to help you. She's great at using her magic wand to make enchanted dresses. I'll even let you borrow my glass slippers!

CINDERELLA: Well... Okay. Thanks, Sleepy. Oops! I forgot to tell you something. Because I couldn't sleep while hiding under the covers, I noticed that a really, really handsome prince visits me, I mean you, every single day. I think he's in love with you.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: (Laughs) Ha! Like a handsome prince could ever love someone absolutely beautiful like me.

************END OF PREVIEW OF THIS SEGMENT****************

Exposed!- Page 24

EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #4

(LIGHTS UP.) WARREN PIECE: Little known fact – glass slippers weren’t the first

glass apparel. Glass pantaloons were introduced in France in the early 1600s. They swept the country, becoming the first clothing fad. The fad lasted for approximately thirty-seven minutes, at which time someone discovered glass pantaloons were ridiculous. Exposed! Literally!

For our next story, we take on big business. Specifically, big candy business. We answer the question, “Who can take a rainbow, do some stuff to it, and make it edible?” Due to the nature of this extremely revealing exposé, the true identities of our subjects have been changed. Let’s just say, the CEO of a candy empire has invited a select group of children to tour his delicious factory made of pure sugar. Things have gone horribly awry, resulting in the near-deaths of all but one of the visitors. Happily, a young man named Charlie…er, Charles has survived until the very end. We pick up our story as he enters Willy…er, Billy Bonkers’ office.

INSIDE THE CORNER OFFICE: THE REAL STORY OF THE BONKERS CANDY FACTORY

By Mike Beyer CAST BILLY BONKERS CHARLES GRANDPA (LIGHTS UP. AN EMPTY OFFICE. A desk and chair can be seen. Suddenly BILLY BONKERS strides in with a brisk pace. HE takes a seat and begins writing furiously. It is clear that this is BILLY’s office. After a time, CHARLES and GRANDPA stick their faces into BILLY’s office cautiously.) CHARLES: There he is, Grandpa! There’s Willy Wonk – I mean, Billy! GRANDPA: Huh? CHARLES: Nothing. Stupid lawyers. The tour of his candy factory has

taken us to his private office at last! All the other naughty children

Exposed!- Page 25

have met a nasty end, and we’re the only ones left. But why isn’t he inviting us in?

GRANDPA: What? CHARLES: (Much louder) I said, we’re the only ones left on this tour,

and I – never mind. I’m going in. (CHARLES enters the office, and GRANDPA cautiously follows.) GRANDPA: Where you going, Charles? CHARLES: (To BILLY) Mr. Bonkers, sir? (No answer from BILLY.) Sir? BILLY: (Unpleasant, business-like) May I help you? CHARLES: Well, my Grandpa and I are the only ones left on the tour, so

we were wondering what happens now. BILLY: (Not looking up) Yes. Well. The exit door is down the hall,

second door on your left. CHARLES: Oh. That’s it? BILLY: Good day. Thank you for visiting the Bonkers Candy Factory. CHARLES: We have to go now, Grandpa. GRANDPA: Speak up, boy! CHARLES: (To BILLY) Sir, what about the five pounds of candy per

day? BILLY: Excuse me? CHARLES: It says that everyone who completes the tour gets five

pounds of candy every day for the rest of their lives. BILLY: (Produces contract from drawer.) Ah. So it does. HOWEVER, it

does NOT allow for little thieving boys and their elderly thieving grandpas!

GRANDPA: Eh? CHARLES: We didn’t steal anything! BILLY: Really? Then you deny going into the Belchy SugarBlast Drinks

room and helping yourself to a taste? Even though such tasting is strictly forbidden?

CHARLES: (Head down) No. We drank it. BILLY: Aha! I knew it. Well then. If there is nothing else you require,

please show yourselves OUT. CHARLES: We almost died in that room. We got such a sugar rush

from that drink that I almost had a heart attack. I still have a pounding headache. Look what your drink did to Grandpa.

GRANDPA: (To the wall) Hello there! BILLY: Then I trust you have both learned a valuable lesson today. And

that lesson is: DON’T TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE’S STUFF! You don’t get the five pounds of candy! You get NOTHING! NUH-UH! Now goodbye-bye!

CHARLES: But- BILLY: I SAID GOODBYE-BYE!

Exposed!- Page 26 (Pause. BILLY and CHARLES look at each other. GRANDPA stares at the wall.) CHARLES: Let’s go. (HE turns, takes GRANDPA by the hand, and

together THEY prepare to exit.) GRANDPA: Where we going now? CHARLES: Home, and the bread and water that waits for us. Hold on a

second. (THEY stop at the door, and CHARLES looks back at BILLY. HE reaches into his pocket, goes back to BILLY’s desk, and places a piece of candy on BILLY’s desk. CHARLES turns to leave. BILLY places his hand on the piece of candy.) BILLY: The honesty of a child. Returning that which he could have

easily kept…. (HE whirls around.) Charles! CHARLES: Yes? BILLY: Don’t go. Please. CHARLES: But you said the tour was over- BILLY: I know what I said, but don’t you see? This was the test! You

were told to get a piece of my Molarcrusher Rock Candy, and give it to my main competitor.

CHARLES: Yes. Mr. Vanilla Fudgerton told me to get a piece of this candy and give it to him, and he would pay me a million dollars and all the chocolate bacon Slurpalicious Shakes I wanted.

BILLY: Yes, and all the other children gave the pieces to Fudgerton, who secretly works for me. But not you! Don’t you see what that means?

GRANDPA: What’s that? BILLY: It means you’ve won! I congratulate you! CHARLES: But- BILLY: But nothing! I have so many more secrets to share with you!

More opportunities to display my terrifying, almost homicidal genius and of course to sing cheesy songs! But here’s the upshot: All this will one day be yours.

CHARLES: You mean… I’ll be president and CEO of Bonkers Candy Factory? Oh my goodness! You don’t want to do that!

BILLY: Oh but I do. You see, Charles, a child is the only one who can truly love fantastic items like the Oreo Cookie/Ranch Dressing cream puffs, which I provide at fantastic prices. A child is also more open to new ideas – and by open, I mean he’ll run it exactly my way.

GRANDPA: I’m sleepy. CHARLES: This is a dream come true! BILLY: So you’ll do it? CHARLES: Ha ha! When do I start?

Exposed!- Page 27 BILLY: No time like the present! (HE produces a contract and signs it.)

Charles, when you sign this, you will be the unquestioned boss of the world-famous Bonkers Candy Factory. You’ll be responsible for manufacturing and distribution, as well as the care of the small orange people downstairs who actually make everything happen.

CHARLES: What will you do? BILLY: Oh, don’t worry. I’ll still be around. But I think it’s high time I

took a vacation! I can provide advice, of course. But the factory will be all yours. (Hands the contract and pen to CHARLES)

(GRANDPA leans over CHARLES’ shoulder and reads the contract. HE gasps.) GRANDPA: Do it, Charles! CHARLES: I will, Grandpa! (HE signs it.) BILLY: Excellent! Fantastic! Splendid! Adjectives! Let’s get into my

rocket-powered elevator and grab the rest of your family! CHARLES: Let’s you have a seat and let the new boss do his thing! BILLY: Excellent plan – wait a minute, what? CHARLES: You heard me. (BILLY sits down in his old chair.) CHARLES: You’re sitting in my seat, Mr. Bonkers. BILLY: Haha, you’re already taking to the job! I like that. Want to go

back down to my strawberry lake and eat some mango-flavored orchids?

CHARLES: No thanks. But thank you -- I have plans for that room! Grandpa, pull up a chair and take a memo.

(GRANDPA moves smartly to an open chair, and takes a notebook and pen from CHARLES.) GRANDPA: Go, Charles! CHARLES: You know, Billy, I’m not feeling the name “Bonkers Candy

Factory”. I think a new name is needed. BILLY: Have you lost your mind? The name of Bonkers is known from

Kalamazoo to Timbuktu! Why, children everywhere look forward to consuming my creations!

CHARLES: Yes, and thanks to your creations, obesity is at an all-time high!

BILLY: Well, that’s not MY fault! It’s the parents who are responsible! Children today are so SPOILED!

Exposed!- Page 28 CHARLES: Yes, but I plan to change everything inside your company.

For starters, your Bonkers Cherry Cake Batter and Double Caramel Ice Cream will now become just Bonkers Cherry Yogurt.

BILLY: Ridiculous! No one will eat it. GRANDPA: I’m hungry. CHARLES: I think the name “Bonkers Organic Healthy Creations Farm”

has a nice ring to it, don’t you? BILLY: Sacrilege! How dare you! GRANDPA: You let him sign it! BILLY: Silence, old man! This is an outrage! I hereby declare this

contract null and void! (BILLY goes for the contract on the desk to try and tear it up. CHARLES grabs the contract from the desk and BILLY jumps on his back to try and grab it from him.) BILLY: My contract! My contract! (GRANDPA takes contract from CHARLES’ hands and takes out his smart phone. HE takes a picture of the contract while BILLY tries to reach him. GRANDPA then turns the phone on “video” and starts filming BILLY.) GRANDPA: Go ahead and tear it up now, Mr. Bonkers! Say hello to the

interwebs while you’re at it! BILLY: That won’t hold up in court, you old coot! GRANDPA: Go ahead, then! And smile while you’re at it. CHARLES: I think I’ve got you over a barrel, Mr. Bonkers! Don’t worry --

I’ll let you brew my green tea every morning. I take it with honey. BILLY: (Spluttering with rage.) You… you… CHARLES: The Bonkers Organic Healthy Creations Farm will help

children around the world reach their true nutritious potential -- through healthy snack offerings!

BILLY: My candy is nutritious! Look how fit I am! (Gets down on the floor and attempts to do a pushup. HE fails. A beat.)

CHARLES: So as I was saying, we’ll make smoothies that will cause children to do jumping jacks! Our chewing gum will actually remove plaque and whiten teeth! Our glazed donuts will contain more vitamins than spinach!

BILLY: You’re mad! GRANDPA: What? BILLY: He’s ruining everything I’ve helped to create! I knew I should

have picked the fat kid who got sucked through the tubes. CHARLES: His Type 2 diabetes is probably irreversible. But I’ll have

him work for me. He can help me convert the chocolate eggs into

Exposed!- Page 29

low-calorie egg whites. He’ll also lead the Bonkers Marathon Training Team!

BILLY: Charles, Charles, Charles. Before you go completely crazy and send us all to ruin, let’s just talk this out first. My whole mission in life has always been to bring a smile to children’s faces! To make the world taste good!

GRANDPA: Do we even need Bonkers anymore? CHARLES: Nah. Send him down to the old Exploding Room. We’ll

make him a test taster of our Quinoa Brownie Delights for Hollywood movie producers.

(GRANDPA gets up, seizes BILLY, and drags him away.) BILLY: OK, OK, I get it! Candy equals bad! I understand now. But let

me help you – I know how this factory works, and I can help you achieve your dreams!

(GRANDPA looks at CHARLES.) CHARLES: I’m listening. (GRANDPA releases BILLY.) BILLY: OK, I promise to get rid of the High-Fructose Corn Syrup and

Artificial Sweetener Room. CHARLES: Good. BILLY: But it helped my chocolate bars taste so delicious! Don’t you like

flavor? CHARLES: Not when kids can barely climb the stairs and develop more

pimples than there are stars in the sky! BILLY: But those candy bars keep those kids from developing bad

habits in life. Parents actually DEPEND on me to keep their little brats in line.

CHARLES: I’m not sure I follow you. BILLY: You see, children need rewards to work for. What better reward

than candy? No one will clean their room or eat their broccoli if the incentive is just a stupid apple.

CHARLES: Apples are not stupid! Besides, my new orchards will produce apples as big as your head. Not only that, they give you the ability to do long division problems in your head the minute after you eat them!

BILLY: Whatever! It’s still an apple! They don’t comfort anybody! Who’s going to sit down on a lonely Saturday night for a good cry, a couple of movies, and a tub of kiwis and carrots?

Exposed!- Page 30 CHARLES: Plenty of people, if they know they have to get up the next

morning and run eight miles! We’ll have Bonkers Nutrition Clubs set up worldwide!

BILLY: But can’t we at least give the lazy people some Bonkers Sticky Stomach Taffy, just to give them a little break from this terrible world?

GRANDPA: Sorry, Bonkers. The jig is up. BILLY: Grandpa? Could I perhaps interest you in a Bonkers Nut-tastic

Dark Chocolate Toffee and Peanut Butter Avalanche? A parting gift from me. You won’t be seeing these anymore.

GRANDPA: Well, thank you, Mr. Bonkers. (Takes a bite) CHARLES: Grandpa! GRANDPA: Yes? CHARLES: DON’T EAT THAT – (THEY fight over the candy bar. GRANDPA tries to eat the candy bar while CHARLES tries to take it from him.) GRANDPA: (During the entire fight.) My candy! My candy! (The struggle continues until….) GRANDPA: Look out behind you, Charles! Billy’s got a 64-ounce drink

headed straight down your back! (CHARLES breaks free and whirls around to face nothing. GRANDPA enjoys his candy bar.)

Sorry, Charles. But… wow! I forgot how GOOD this tastes! CHARLES: For your information, those three bites just put about 12,000

calories on your frame, and will keep five dentists employed for at least a year scraping all that toffee from your teeth!

GRANDPA: Maybe we can have one room here in the factory for candy, and the other 7,000 for your health food and juice products!

BILLY: One room seems reasonable. CHARLES: I don’t believe what I’m hearing! BILLY: Listen to your Grandpa, Charles. Maybe you should let him run

the factory for now, until you get a little bit older. I’ll help him out. Maybe we can draw up a new contract that explains this all in more detail.

CHARLES: No deals! Now, Grandpa PLEASE! Step away from the candy!

GRANDPA: But Charles, I haven’t had one of these in years! Do you know why?

CHARLES: The last of your teeth fell out?

Exposed!- Page 31

************END OF PREVIEW OF THIS SEGMENT****************

EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #5

(LIGHTS UP.) WARREN PIECE: I think we all learned a good lesson from that last

story – Carrots are boring. Exposed!

Sibling rivalry has been the center of many famous stories throughout the ages. Who can forget Cain and Abel? Or Orville and Wilbur Wright, arguing over who was their mother’s favorite? Or that episode of The Brady Bunch where Jan tried to back over Marsha in the family station wagon?

You probably thought Hansel and Gretel were the innocent victims of a horrible witch. Well, let’s take a look at the real story, shall we?

HANSEL AND GRETEL: A TALE OF SIBLING RIVALRY

By Jenny Kirkland-Laffey CAST ACTOR ONE: HANSEL ACTOR TWO: GRETEL and WITCH (LIGHTS UP. HANSEL and GRETEL are walking along a path. SHE is looking at a piece of paper with an address written on it. HANSEL follows her chewing on a piece of pizza.) GRETEL: I am going to so kill Maria when I see her! I can’t figure out

where this party is! HANSEL: (Grunts) GRETEL: Whatever. Forget it. Let’s go home, Hans. I just hope Papa

and Stepmonster are asleep or we’re never going to hear the end of it.

Exposed!- Page 32 HANSEL: (Finishes eating and then burps.) ‘Kay. GRETEL: ‘Kay genius. You said you’d leave a trail, so lead us home. HANSEL: Ummm. Well, my “plan” was to use my pizza crust and mark

our trail with breadcrumbs, but… um… I ate it. S’good. (Smiles sheepishly.)

GRETEL: What! Are you kidding me! I don’t know where we are! How are we going to get home? You idiot! (Punches HANSEL in the arm).

HANSEL: (Rubbing arm where HE was punched.) In my defense I did say, before we left, I might become a bit peckish and need a snack. And you insisted we leave “pronto”. I’m a growing boy and I need my strength.

GRETEL: Oh, you’ll really need your strength when I get done with you! (GRETEL makes a grab for HANSEL’s arm to give him an Indian Burn. HE reacts as though a fly has landed on him - unphased.) GRETEL: (Very frustrated.) Poop! Poop! Poop! (Thinks SHE hears a

sound.) What was that? HANSEL: Wolf maybe. GRETEL: Wolf! I can’t be eaten by a wolf! That’s so gross! And

unoriginal. Little Red was almost eaten by a wolf and everyone is so sick of hearing about it.

HANSEL: I’m sure we’re fine. It’s too dark now to try and make our way back. Let’s try to build a fire and keep warm while we wait for daylight.

GRETEL: O.K., O.K., sure that’s a good idea. I’m sorry I tried to kill you. I just panicked.

HANSEL: Really? Hadn’t noticed. (HANSEL and GRETEL start to gather sticks to make a fire). GRETEL: O.K., this looks good for now. Nice dry sticks. Now what? HANSEL: Now we get some matches and light this baby. GRETEL: (Hands on hips.) Well, I don’t have any matches. Do you? HANSEL: Nope. Not a one. GRETEL: ARRR! I’m back to thinking of ways to plot your death! HANSEL: Calm down Gretch! O.K., let’s see… all we need are two

sticks to rub together and we’ll be all set. (HANSEL grabs two sticks and attempts to create a spark. HE is very clumsy, but determined. After a few seconds attempt HE collapses on the ground. Exhausted HE cries.) We’re gonna die out here!

GRETEL: (Sits next to HANSEL with her arm around him.) Well, it is July. So maybe we were a little hasty in forcing the fire thing.

HANSEL: Good point. Why’d we have to go to this dumb party anyway?

Exposed!- Page 33 GRETEL: Well, only because everyone who is anyone will be there. It’s

about being seen in the right crowds when you’re in high school, Hans. Appearances are everything.

HANSEL: Do you even know this Maria girl who gave you the directions? I’ve never heard you mention her before.

GRETEL: Well, we’re not friends yet, but I’m sure we will be as soon as she stops running away from me in the halls at school. I over heard her talking in the library to some people about this party. After she wrote down the directions she left to go to the bathroom. I caused a diversion by telling the librarian, Mr. Laffey, that Maria’s friends were using Wikipedia as a primary source for their research paper. Then I grabbed the directions and made a photocopy in the library office, which I have access to since I’m a library student aid.

HANSEL: (Pause) You do need friends. Let me see the map. (GRETEL hands the map to HANSEL.)

O.K., we went over the river, through the woods, past Goldilocks School for Precocious Girls and onto the road paved with good intentions. You’re right. The party should be right around here. Let’s just walk a little further.

(HANSEL and GRETEL begin to walk on. As THEY walk GRETEL becomes more and more exhausted. SHE starts to pant and falls to her knees.) GRETEL: (Clutching her throat.) I… I… can’t breath! Water, I need the

sweet gift of life… WATER! HANSEL: Gretel, we only went about five meters (Aside to audience.)

When you convert to the English system that’s roughly fifteen feet. (Gives a thumbs up.)

GRETEL: I know, but it feels like a mile, I mean kilometer. Wait. (GRETEL points off stage.) What’s that up ahead?

HANSEL: Hey! It… it looks like a house made of candy? GRETEL: I don’t remember anything about a candy house on my stolen

party map directions. HANSEL: Wait, there’s someone standing outside. Is that Madonna? GRETEL: No! It’s an old witch with frighteningly toned arms. HANSEL: Like I said, Madonna! GRETEL: (Hides behind HANSEL.) Oh no! I think she sees us. Hide! HANSEL: Why? Maybe she can give us directions home. I’ll go talk to

her. GRETEL: O.K. I’ll just cower over here behind this tree. HANSEL: (HANSEL walks over to the WITCH played by GRETEL.)

Excuse me, Ma’am, do you think you could help me? I’m lost.

Exposed!- Page 34 WITCH: Why of course dear. You’re not from around here are you? HANSEL: No Ma’am. My sister and I were on our way to a party and we

lost our way. We need to go back to Grimm Avenue. WITCH: No problem. Just head down this path, hang a right at Sleepy

Street, then a left at the frog pond with the golden ball floating in it and straight past Humpty’s House to Grimm Avenue. Can’t miss it.

HANSEL: Gee thanks. You’re the nicest old lady with a candy house that I’ve ever met.

WITCH: Aren’t you a dear. Here, break off a piece of my house to bring you strength during your journey. And one for your sister as well.

HANSEL: Wow, you are the best person with NO ulterior motives ever! WITCH: Safe travels.

************END OF PREVIEW OF THIS SEGMENT****************

EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #6

(LIGHTS UP.) WARREN PIECE: And the lesson we’ve learned? Children are awful

creatures who can’t be trusted. Exposed!

Next we have Robert Louis Stevenson, the author of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You’ve no doubt heard of this very famous novel, but what you probably don’t know is that it was based on real events witnessed by the author himself. Many books we’ve come to regard as fiction were actually nonfiction tales altered by the publisher for legal reasons. Books like The Count of Monte Cristo, Cat Fancy magazine, and Green Eggs and Ham. All true, but so shocking the public wouldn’t have been able to handle them.

You may want to ask more sensitive members of your household to leave the room, as this next Exposed! tale is quite shocking.

Exposed!- Page 35

DR. JEKYLL AND LITTLE MISS HYDE By Sean Abley

CAST ACTOR ONE: ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON, MRS. CALLIWELL, and

JEKYLL’S ASSISTANT ACTOR TWO: DR. JEKYLL and MISS HYDE (LIGHTS UP. ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON is writing at his desk.) ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON: (As HE writes.) “The strange case of

Dr. Jekyll began one evening in downtown London. A dear friend, one Mrs. Edgar Calliwell, wrote to me of an incident of shocking impropriety.” (Exits.)

(MISS HYDE enters, carrying an invitation.) MISS HYDE: (Referencing the address on the invitation.) Mr. and Mrs.

Edgar Calliwell, 1214 Overcast Lane. This is the place. (Rings doorbell.) Mr. and Mrs. Calliwell! Hello!

(MRS. CALLIWELL enters.) MRS. CALLIWELL: One moment! You caught me in the middle of

boiling a steak for dinner. Can I help you? MISS HYDE: I have an invitation for you. MRS. CALLIWELL: Yes? From whom? MISS HYDE: A dear friend. Good evening! (Exits.) MRS. CALLIWELL: (Reads invitation.) “Your presence is cordially

requested 19 June 1886. Salon begins 4 P.M., with dinner to follow at 8 P.M. RSVP regrets only. Sincerely, Sir Phillip McCracken, Esq.” (Shocked.) Dinner four hours after salon? How is one to survive four hours without nourishment?! Sir Phillip McCracken, you are a monster! (Exits.)

(DR. JEKYLL enters.) DR. JEKYLL: (Distraught.) Oh, what have I done? What have I done?! (STEVENSON enters.) STEVENSON: What have you done?! JEKYLL: (Startled.) What have I done? STEVENSON: Henry, I apologize for barging in like this. But Mrs.

Calliwell, an acquaintance, notified me of this – (Holds out the invitation.) After receiving this horrid missive, Mrs. Calliwell’s

Exposed!- Page 36

husband followed the young lady from whom it was received to this very residence. Dr. Henry Jekyll, explain yourself this instant!

JEKYLL: (Falls into a chair and weeps, saying the words.) Boo hoo hoo! Oh, Mr. Stevenson, a horrible fate has befallen me! But I swear to you, it’s over and done with! It ‘tis no more!

STEVENSON: And what fate was that, pray tell? JEKYLL: No doubt you are aware of my scientific curiosity. STEVENSON: Ah, yes. I believe “nerd” is the correct term for those of

your persuasion. JEKYLL: Correct. So, a fortnight ago, I was trying to create a serum… (LIGHTS CHANGE. STEVENSON exits.)

(Speaks to the audience.) A serum that would divide a person into two halves – one all good, one embodying all that is base and horrible. After extensive research, my assistant gathered all the ingredients, and combined them into one mixture.

(JEKYLL’S ASSISTANT enters with a beaker filled with fluid.) ASSISTANT: Here you are, doctor! Precisely mixed and heated as you

asked. JEKYLL: (Takes beaker.) Thank you, nameless assistant! And now, to

advance science by decades, nay, centuries, with just one sip! (JEKYLL raises the beaker to his lips, but the ASSISTANT stops him and places a drink umbrella in the beaker.) ASSISTANT: Ooh wait… JEKYLL: What are you doing?! ASSISTANT: I just wanted to make it festive. (JEKYLL takes out the umbrella and tosses it off stage. HE begins to drink.) ASSISTANT: It was almost impossible to find your final, semi-secret

ingredient. But in the end, I managed to locate some Parfum de Pamplemousse Toilette.

(JEKYLL does a spit take.) JEKYLL: What?! (Tries to wipe the liquid off his tongue.) Parfum de

Pamplemousse Toilette wasn’t an ingredient on my list! ASSISTANT: (Shows JEKYLL the list.) Here it is, right after “Rose

Water” and “Extra Translucent Face Powder.”

Exposed!- Page 37 JEKYLL: (Snatches the list out of the assistant’s hand.) That’s the list of

Mother’s Day gifts! (With emphasis.) For my mother! ASSISTANT: My bad! Well, the good news is you spit it out before – (JEKYLL is suddenly wracked with pain.) ASSISTANT: Oh. Oops. JEKYLL: (In pain.) Something is happening! (JEKYLL lurches off stage. We hear him, and see the ASSISTANT’S reaction, as HE transforms.)

(Off) I can feel myself changing! What’s happening to my body?! (Unintelligible sounds of someone in pain that suddenly transform to a woman’s voice. Finally -- ) Oh, my goodness!

(MISS HYDE enters.) MISS HYDE: What’s happened to me? ASSISTANT: Dr. Jekyll! It worked! Sort of! MISS HYDE: Dr. Jekyll? Certainly not! My name is Miss Hyde. I’m a

British woman of the Victorian era with a whimsical mind. (Lifts her skirt to reveal her ankle.) Take that! (Laughs.)

ASSISTANT: (Horrified.) Exposing your ankle to a total stranger? You’re a monster! I must flee! I must flee! (Exits.) Madness! There is madness here!

MISS HYDE: Oh, my, that was très scandalous! I wonder what other Victorian era female trouble I might get up to? (Exits.)

(STEVENSON enters.) STEVENSON: (To audience.) That was the beginning of Dr. Jekyll’s

horrible descent into depravity, but it certainly wasn’t the end. Dr. Jekyll tried to convince me otherwise the evening of our meeting.

(JEKYLL enters and the scene of their meeting resumes.) JEKYLL: The transformation only happens when I take the serum. And I

only took the serum one or a dozen times. As a side note, I must say, the chatter in the lady’s toilette would make a sailor blush. But as of tonight, this failed experiment comes to a close. I’ve learned that man should not dabble in what only the Almighty may control. And that corsets are way too tight and scratchy.

STEVENSON: I admire you for your genuine curiosity, and your common sense. As this matter has concluded, I will take my leave. Good evening, Dr. Jekyll.

Exposed!- Page 38 JEKYLL: Good evening, Mr. Stevenson. (Exits.) STEVENSON: (To audience.) Unfortunately, this horrible set of

circumstances was far from over. JEKYLL: (Off. Unintelligible moans and screams, transforming into the

sounds of a lady in pain.) STEVENSON: Dr. Jekyll’s transformations continued, and to his horror

he found that he needed neither the serum, nor the will to do so. His alter ego had taken over, and soon found herself immersed in British society where she quickly wore out her welcome after multiple acts of heinous… ocity… (Exits.)

(MISS HYDE enters, carrying a box of tea cakes.) MISS HYDE: I find myself back at 1214 Overcast Lane. Not recognizing

me from my earlier visit, Mrs. Calliwell has invited me for afternoon tea, and requested I bring tea cakes. (Rings bell.) Mrs. Calliwell!

(MRS. CALLIWELL enters.) MRS. CALLIWELL: Yes? Oh, hello Miss Hyde. MISS HYDE: Mrs. Calliwell, thank you for the invitation. I’ve brought the

tea cakes you requested. MRS. CALLIWELL: (Takes box, looks inside.) Thank you. Wait, these

are chocolate tea cakes, and I requested berry! And they’re slightly dry! (As if someone were trying to murder her.) Why have you attacked me in this manner?! This is a monstrous act! (Exits.) Run, ladies, run!

MISS HYDE: I swear, London is full of very nervous people! No matter. Off to my next appointment!

(STEVENSON enters.) STEVENSON: Stop this instant! MISS HYDE: Mr. Stevenson, what are you doing here? STEVENSON: You assured me these transformations were at an end,

Dr. Jekyll! And yet, here you stand, smugly terrorizing the good citizens of London with your lady antics. I will not stand for it, nor will the police when I inform them of your dastardly deeds! You are a fiend, Miss Hyde! A proper fiend!

MISS HYDE: Oh, Mr. Stevenson, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m finished with my daily appointments, and now I’m going to go demonstrate in the public square for the right to vote.

Exposed!- Page 39 STEVENSON: (Outraged, grabs MISS HYDE.) This campaign of terror

has got to stop! (Shakes her.) Show yourself, Dr. Jekyll! Show yourself!

MISS HYDE: (Breaking away.) Unhand me, Mr. Stevenson! I’m a lady and I will not be shaken! (Runs away, exits.)

STEVENSON: (To audience.) Miss Hyde escaped my clutches, and I gave chase throughout London. (HE runs in place as HE describes where HE’s going.) Down Mockingbird Lane, (Turns.) then the long and winding road to Penny Lane past Strawberry Fields, (Turns.) then turn right onto Sesame Street, (Turns.) and a left on Avenue Q, (Turns.) then a quick three blocks on Wisteria Lane, (Turns.) then Easy Street, (Turns.) turn on Elm Street, (Turns.) and finally arriving at his home on Abbey Road. (Stops running. Bent over with exhaustion, barely able to shout.) Dr. Jekyll! Dr. Jekyll, reveal yourself!

(JEKYLL pokes his head in from his window.) JEKYLL: You have to help me, Mr. Stevenson! Hyde has taken over! I

no longer need the serum! I transform at the will of my evil, other lady half! (Convulses in pain, exits.)

STEVENSON: You must fight it, doctor! You must steel your will! (MISS HYDE pokes her head in.) MISS HYDE: Perhaps you’d like to come in for tea? But I’m afraid I’m

out of sugar! (Convulses in pain, exits.) STEVENSON: Do not let her win, doctor! Polite society depends on

you! (JEKYLL pokes his head in.) JEKYLL: She has a steely grip on my mind! (Convulses in pain, exits.) STEVENSON: Pry her fingers off your brain! (MISS HYDE pokes her head in.) MISS HYDE: I think white after Labor Day is perfectly acceptable!

(Convulses in pain, exits.) STEVENSON: Blasphemer! (JEKYLL staggers in, drops to the ground, exhausted.) JEKYLL: Stevenson! I fear I may be lost forever. Please, I beg of you,

do me this one favor. STEVENSON: Anything, my good man. Name it!

Exposed!- Page 40 JEKYLL: You are a novelist. When you write of me, and you will, craft a

tale of a good man ensnared in a web of villainy, rather than a good man ensnared in a web of tea cakes and lady things.

************END OF PREVIEW OF THIS SEGMENT****************

EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #7

(LIGHTS UP.) WARREN PIECE: I know – it’s hard to believe a writer would incorporate

lies and half-truths into a biography. Exposed! Thankfully we’ve entered an era of journalistic integrity, where celebrity biographers rarely use falsehoods or misleading prose to get their point across. That goes for celebrity autobiographies, too. One of my favorite celebrity books is this – (Holds up a very thin book.) Britney Spears, My Thoughts On Math. It’s a quick read – just twelve pages long. Basically just one trip to the bathroom. But if you read it, you’ll know instantly that Ms. Spears wrote every word. And a bargain at $1.99.

Speaking of getting robbed, the story of Robin Hood is one that we all think we know. Stealing from the rich, giving it to the poor. Socialism at its best. But I bet you didn’t know he was as dumb as a bag of hammers that didn’t even have its G.E.D. Let this story be a lesson for all you bags of hammers out there – stay in school! And I also bet that you didn’t know Robin Hood had a sister. That’s right. A sister in crime! Let’s all learn a little something about what really happened with Robin and Roxie – the Hoods!

Exposed!- Page 41

THE ADVENTURES OF ROXIE HOOD: ROBIN'S ANNOYING SISTER

By Amy Seeley CAST ACTOR ONE: ROBIN HOOD, MR. SULLIVAN, FARMER, and GUARD ACTOR TWO: ROXIE HOOD NOTE: All swords should be represented by styrofoam pool noodles. (LIGHTS UP. ROBIN HOOD enters the stage. HE carries a sword and slices through the air with it. HE's "fighting" an unseen opponent.) ROBIN: Ha, ha!! You dare to challenge me, Robin Hood? I'll slice your

gullet into smithereens, you ghastly mongrel! Take that! And that! (HE continues to slice the air with his sword as a young woman, ROXIE HOOD, enters from behind him. SHE pulls out a sword and places it in ROBIN'S back. ROBIN holds up his arms and freezes in panic.) ROXIE: (In a deep voice.) Hold it right there, Robin Hood. You've stolen

apples from me for the last time. (ROBIN looks suspicious.) ROBIN: Lord MacCafferty? ROXIE: (In a deep voice.) Uh. Well, yes! Yes, indeed, you sniveling

rock snake! (ROBIN lowers his arms for a moment.) ROBIN: Rock snake? What's a-- ROXIE: (In a deep voice.) Silence! These forests are filled with rock

snakes! And tree snakes. Just yesterday, I was bitten by a horrible flower snake.

ROBIN: (Drops his arms and turns to face ROXIE. HE laughs.) Flower snakes?

ROXIE: (Lowers her sword and looks at the ground.) There is such a thing as flower snakes, Robin Hood! I've seen hundreds of them. And my knowledge of all types of creatures will surely be of great use to you and your jolly men.

ROBIN: (Swats her on the shoulder with his sword.) There not "jolly" men. They are "merry" men. Plus, we don't require your services, Roxie. No little sister of mine is going to be tramping about

Exposed!- Page 42

Sherwood Forest getting caught up in all manner of crazed adventures.

ROXIE: (Gasps in delight.) Crazed adventures?! That sounds totally super-fun!

ROBIN: (Stands tall and puffs out his chest.) It's not fun, I can assure you. It's hard work. Hard, filthy, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants work and it's no place for annoying little sisters. And that's final.

(THEY stand nose-to-nose, glaring at each other.) ROXIE: Give me a chance. ROBIN: No. ROXIE: Yes. ROBIN: No. ROXIE: Yes? ROBIN: (Mocking her.) No? ROXIE: (Throws her arms up in triumph and laughs.) Everyone knows

that a "no" followed by a question mark means "maybe." ROBIN: (Shakes his head.) My dear sister, I said "no" and I actually

mean "no." ROXIE: But I heard a question mark! ROBIN: Your ears are filled with daffodils. (Begins to perform a series

of physical stretches.) ROXIE: Why are you stretching? ROBIN: (Looks away but continues to stretch.) Oh, no reason. Trying to

stay in shape for the big... uh... ROXIE: (Gets close to ROBIN and tries to make eye contact with him.)

The big what? ROBIN: (Sighs loudly.) The big heist of the sheriff's precious jewels. ROXIE: (Shrieks with delight as ROBIN winces.) A heist! I've always

wanted to take part in a heist! ROBIN: Well, you cannot. So there. In fact, you wouldn't know what to

do if you did join the heist. ROXIE: (Glares at ROBIN and aims her sword at him.) Oh, really? ROBIN: Yes. Really. A heist involves a complicated series of perfectly

timed movements. Plus, we all made our own costumes. It would be far too-- (Looks at his watch.) Would you look at the time. I gotta run. Much heisting to do and whatnot.

(ROBIN exits quickly. ROXIE chases after him but stops. SHE looks at the audience.) ROXIE: Two hours later.

Exposed!- Page 43 (ROBIN enters the stage limping and holding his side. HE is in pain. ROXIE rushes to help him sit.) ROXIE: Robin! What happened? ROBIN: Oh, just feeling a bit of excruciating pain is all. Nothing to worry

about. ROXIE: Did you get the jewels? ROBIN: (Looks away from her.) There were complications. ROXIE: Whaaa? ROBIN: Well, first I completed a series of menacing poses but they

weren't menacing enough to scare the guards. Then the merry men did a beautifully choreographed dance to the music of Little John's lute. He's a fine lute player, you know. After about thirty minutes of lute tunes, we barely snuck into the sheriff's castle but then we faced our greatest challenge.

ROXIE: What? A dragon? Giant attacking falcons? Witches? Warlocks? I love warlocks!

ROBIN: (Sighs loudly.) I couldn't fit through the window of the sheriff's jewelry room, okay?

(ROXIE stifles a giggle. ROBIN glares at her.) ROBIN: It's not funny! ROXIE: Yes. Yes, it is. The notorious Robin Hood of Sherwood Forest

unable to wiggle himself into a window? Oh, it's hilarious. ROBIN: Right. Keep making cracks. If only I were as narrow as my

annoying sister I could have been in and out of that room in a matter of seconds.

(ROXIE pauses and stares at ROBIN. HE stares at her.) ROXIE: What did you just say? ROBIN: Oh, no! No, no, no! You're not going in there. It's far too

dangerous, Roxie. ROXIE: But you said yourself that I'm the perfect size to fit through the

window. ROBIN: It was a guess-timate! The window was about this big. (ROBIN holds up his hands to indicate the size of the window as ROXIE steps between them, fitting perfectly. ROBIN sighs.)

Okay. You can do it. (ROXIE squeals. ROBIN winces.) ROXIE: I won't be alone, Robin.

Exposed!- Page 44 (ROXIE hands him a headset. ROBIN examines it. HE's clearly confused.) ROBIN: What pray tell, is this contraption? ROXIE: It's a device that will allow us to communicate to each other

from two different locations. ROBIN: These Middle Ages are getting more advanced every day. (THEY BOTH look at the audience and wink.) ROXIE: Put this on and I'll wear mine, too. When will the sheriff be

away from his jewelry room? ROBIN: (Looks at his watch.) He's still out getting his suit of armor

polished and waxed. You've only got twenty minutes, Roxie! (ROXIE puts on her headset, gives ROBIN a "thumbs up" and runs off stage.)

Be careful! (ROBIN puts on his headset and waits intently. In a split scene, ROXIE enters the stage, opposite ROBIN.) ROBIN: Roxie? Can you hear me? ROXIE: Ten-four, Robin. You're coming in loud and clear. ROBIN: Where are you? ROXIE: (Looks around.) I'm in front of the sheriff's castle. Quiet!

Someone's coming! (ROBIN puts on a hat, slumps like an elderly man and becomes MR. SULLIVAN. He approaches ROXIE.) MR. SULLIVAN: Good day, Miss Roxie. ROXIE: Good day, Mr. Sullivan. MR. SULLIVAN: It feels like rain today, do you think? ROXIE: Um. Sure. Okay. MR. SULLIVAN: I can always feel it in my knees. Indeed. It should rain

in a matter of days. Well, have a lovely afternoon, Miss Roxie. ROXIE: Goodbye, Mr. Sullivan. (MR. SULLIVAN turns to the audience as HE exits.) MR. SULLIVAN: (To himself.) What a lovely and totally innocent young

lady. (MR. SULLIVAN exits and becomes ROBIN.)

Exposed!- Page 45 ROBIN: Who was that? ROXIE: Oh, just old Mr. Sullivan. He's so sweet and kind. He wouldn't

hurt a fly. (Gets an idea. SHE points her finger in the air.) That's it! ROBIN: What's it? ROXIE: I can't explain. Just listen. (ROXIE slumps low like MR. SULLIVAN and crosses the stage. ROBIN puts on a different hat and becomes the FARMER. ROXIE approaches the FARMER.)

(Using scratchy voice.) Oh, hello, dear farmer. I'm so old and kind. Would you please give a sweet, old and kind lady a chicken?

FARMER: Why, certainly, old lady. You're so sweet and old and kind and I have plenty of chickens. Take this one.

(The FARMER hands ROXIE a chicken. The FARMER exits and looks to the audience.) FARMER: (To himself.) What a lovely and totally innocent old lady. (The FARMER exits and becomes ROBIN.) ROBIN: Roxie? A chicken? Are you mad? ROXIE: Trust me, Robin! (ROXIE crosses the stage holding her chicken. SHE appears nervous. ROBIN changes hats and becomes the sheriff's GUARD. HE approaches ROXIE.) GUARD: Halt! Who goes there? ROXIE: (Using scratchy voice.) Oh, it's only me. I'm a sweet and kind

old lady-- GUARD: (Waves her in.) Right! You seem harmless enough. Walk past

all of my fellow two hundred armed guards and take the chicken to the cook.

(ROXIE crosses past the GUARD. The GUARD exits and looks to the audience.) GUARD: (To himself.) What a lovely and innocent and completely non-

suspicious old lady. ROXIE: Robin? I did it! I made it in! Whoa! I'm in a diamond-covered

hallway. (ROBIN has become ROBIN. HE listens intently.)

Exposed!- Page 46 ROBIN: Nicely played, Roxie. Now, listen--just take two steps forward

and look up. ROXIE: (SHE does and smiles.) I see the window! ROBIN: Now, Roxie--be very, very careful. There could be traps,

explosions, giant spiders, you never know. It's best to proceed with caution. Move very, very slowly. You have plenty of time.

(As ROBIN speaks, ROXIE ignores him as SHE begins to pantomime wriggling into the window, filling her pockets with jewels, wriggling out of the window, and exiting the stage.)

Pick up the jewels gently and with great caution. Resist the urge to study each gem. I know, they are quite captivating. I remember my first jewel heist.

(ROXIE runs on stage, panting and gasping for air. ROBIN does not notice her.) ROXIE: I got 'em! ROBIN: Yes, yes. I'm sure you think that. Now, about getting into that

window-- (ROXIE taps him on the shoulder. ROBIN turns.) ROXIE: Robin! I got them! All of the jewels! (HE laughs and hugs ROXIE. THEY "high five.") ROBIN: You actually did it! I don't believe it. Well done, indeed. Now

that we have the jewels, I'll need to calculate the amount divided by the number of merry men minus my personal fee for extraction minus the care and feeding of one live chicken, plus the cost of the headsets. Where's my calculator?

ROXIE: Oh, you won't be needing it. ROBIN: Why not? ROXIE: I gave the jewels away. ROBIN: What?! You gave them away?! ROXIE: As I was heading back, I noticed sweet, old Mr. Sullivan. I gave

him a handful of emeralds so that he could buy elixirs for his knees. ROBIN: (Sits and covers his face with his hands.) No! ROXIE: Then I ran into the delightful O'Brien family and they could sure

use a few new cows and goats. I gave them three sapphires, two rubies and a dozen diamonds. I gave away the rest to dear Mrs. Hughes so she could buy herself new socks.

ROBIN: I'm ruined! I was supposed to divide the jewels evenly among my merry men!

Exposed!- Page 47 ROXIE: You were going to keep them? That's silly. Why keep them

when you can help others? You're not ruined, Robin. The entire village wants to hold a festival in your honor.

ROBIN: (Looks at her in shock.) Whaaa? ROXIE: I told them that stealing from the rich to give to the poor was all

your idea. And now you're going to allow me to join your merry men.

************END OF PREVIEW OF THIS SEGMENT****************

EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #8

(LIGHTS UP.) WARREN PIECE: Robin Hood wasn’t just a socialist – he was bad at it!

Exposed!

Our final story for the evening may sound quite familiar. But let me assure you, and all the copyright lawyers out there, it is a completely different story than the one you think you’re hearing.

This true-life tale is about a girl named Wendy, a very common name not connected in this case to a fast food chain or a children’s story, and a boy named Peter Pa- … Let’s just call him Peter P. And he visits Wendy from Never- … er, Nadaland, where he lives and has many adventures, and tries to avoid a horrible pirate named Captain…uh, Hook-for-His-Hand. You might think you know this tale, but I assure you – you don’t.

Exposed!- Page 48

WENDY & PETER: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE NURSERY

By Mike Beyer CAST WENDY JOHN MICHAEL PETER TINK (LIGHTS UP. WENDY is putting JOHN and MICHAEL to bed. SHE is almost done telling them a bedtime story.) WENDY: …and Peter forced all the pirates off the plank where they

were swallowed by the ticking alligator all in one gulp! The end. JOHN: Hooray for Peter! MICHAEL: That’s how these stories always end. JOHN: Wendy, we don’t want you to leave us for your own room! MICHAEL: Whatever shall we do without you and Nana to help us get

dressed? WENDY: Maybe you’ll learn to tie your shoes without my help. That’s

the proper thing for a ten-year-old. JOHN: Oh, I should like to learn that! Perhaps I could brush my teeth by

myself, too! WENDY: Don’t get crazy. That’s how pirates get hurt. JOHN: Pshaw, Wendy! Last night I squeezed toothpaste onto the brush

with no mess! Mother was ever so proud of me! WENDY: (To herself) What teenager shares a room with her two little

brothers? JOHN: It’s a nursery, Wendy! MICHAEL: You told Mother you never wanted to grow up! WENDY: Who wants to do grown-up things? Things like holding a job

and paying rent? I want to remain in the bosom of Father, his bank account and his personal chef.

MICHAEL: Me too! WENDY: Growing up is so overrated. We can live at home forever and

just make Father get a better job. My new room will need an entire closet makeover. Why, this blue dress alone is so 1897.

MICHAEL: Who will tell us stories about Peter once you’re gone? WENDY: (Indicating JOHN.) Four-Eyes here will. JOHN: Wendy! I’ll do no such thing. MICHAEL: This is madness! JOHN: I don’t think Peter even exists. It’s some folly on your part!

Exposed!- Page 49 WENDY: Oh he’s real, all right. He sneaks out every night from his own

private island just to see me. So romantic! He totally wants to kiss me.

MICHAEL: Gross! WENDY: Plus he’s got a BOSS aerodynamic system that allows him to

cross dimensions and times! He doesn’t need to throw rocks at that window like boring old Oliver Closeoff does.

JOHN: Oliver rather fancies you! WENDY: Can Oliver fly around all by himself, and cross dimensions and

times? No. I can just leave the window open and Peter can fly right in. I’ll bet he’s got almost as much money as Father. Oh, he’s so delicious!

MICHAEL: Wendy, can you tell us about the time when Peter- WENDY: And he’s got a big old knife that I bet he can throw from all

angles. Dangerous! JOHN: I wish I could fly. MICHAEL: You’ve seen him?!? WENDY: Please. He’ll be here pretty soon. He left something here the

other night. Something he needs. I have to tell him about my change of address, though. Or should I not even tell him, and keep him guessing? (Gets up and opens window for PETER.)

JOHN: Preposterous! A flying boy. He isn’t even real. I’m ever so tired…. (Nods off to sleep.)

(Both JOHN and MICHAEL drift off to sleep. WENDY lies down and pretends to sleep as well. Without warning, the window flies open, and in jumps PETER. HE looks troubled. TINK follows closely behind.) PETER: (To TINK) Dude. We’re going commando on this. TINK: I’m not a dude. I’m a fairy sprite. PETER: No talking. TINK: I didn’t even want to come here. I was all wrapped up in my

orchid with a good mini book and a muffin crumb until you showed up.

PETER: OK, get in, get the package, get out. I got things to do tonight with the boys.

TINK: (Mimicking PETER) “Hey! Tink! I know… let’s go to England tonight! It’s gonna rule! Uh, but first could you help me break into this house guarded by a huge fairy-eating dog?” You need new friends. For reals.

PETER: Now where is that shadow? TINK: It’s your own dumb fault for leaving it here in the first place. PETER: Shut it! Get to work! WENDY: (Popping up out of bed.) Hi Peter! PETER: Ugh. I mean, hi Wendy.

Exposed!- Page 50 WENDY: You’re late. Don’t you like me anymore? PETER: Listen, I left something here last night and I know you have it.

Quit playing your little games and hand it over! WENDY: I’m sure I don’t have the slightest clue what you’re talking

about! PETER: Look. Wendy. I really think you’re awesome, and totally cool.

But I need my space, OK? I got this gang back home that needs me, and we have these mermaids for friends, and I’m kind of seeing this Native American princess whose dad is really powerful, so… you know.

WENDY: I’m getting my own room, starting tomorrow. PETER: C’mon, Wendy! You have my shadow. Just give it to me. WENDY: La la la. Father says we’re going to the Cotswolds this

summer. We get our own rowboats. You can row, and feed me grapes, and give me ideas for the super best-selling novel I’m going to write.

TINK: Peter says you’re psycho. WENDY: (Pouting) Why don’t you ever ask me over to see your private

island? I’m sure the beaches are pristine. PETER: Uh, well, I think Princess Tiger wouldn’t be cool with that. WENDY: (Sharply) Who’s that? PETER: She’s that friend of mine who lives in a tepee and I was trying

to tell you about her… never mind. Besides, you can’t fly, and if you lived there you would have to stay thirteen years old forever.

WENDY: Hmm. Your offer intrigues me. Are there beach huts on your private islands, with maids and butlers to serve me as your girlfriend?

PETER: I didn’t offer! You’re not my girlfriend! WENDY: Are you breaking up with me?!? PETER: (Sighing) I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I’m sure

I don’t need a shadow for much of anything, you know? TINK: You don’t need a shadow! PETER: I mean, it seems weird not to have one, and people are already

saying, “Hey! Freak! You don’t even have a shadow!” So that’s awkward. But it could come in handy the next time I fight Captain Hook-For-His-Hand. The better to sneak up on him!

WENDY: (Suddenly changing demeanor.) The children are asleep, aren’t they?

TINK: I guess so. WENDY: (Her character suddenly acting much more adult.) We need to

discuss your little pirate problem. PETER: No offense, but it’s really annoying when you demean my

troubles. A little pirate problem? No. I gotta deal with this pirate

Exposed!- Page 51

captain who could RIP ME IN TWO with his sharp coat hanger. Even Long John Silver is afraid of this guy!

TINK: He’s the fiercest captain who ever lived! WENDY: Got a big ship? PETER: Huge, with a crew full of bloodthirsty buccaneers. TINK: You already know this. WENDY: Oh, you’re right. In fact, I know everything about you and your

gang. We’ve been tracking you for a couple years now. PETER: No kidding. In some cities that’s known as stalking. No

offense, but we won’t be coming back anymore. I mean, your stories rule, and this room is awesome —

WENDY: It’s called a nursery. PETER: Right, sorry. Like I said, keep the shadow. Time to go, Tink! WENDY: Actually, I think we’ll be going back with you to your island this

time. (SHE looks back at JOHN and MICHAEL.) TINK: What is this? WENDY: (To TINK.) The name isn’t Wendy, wee fairy girl. (Flashes ID.)

I’m Moira Angela, Scotland Yard. I’ve been on this Nadaland case for a long time, after none other than Sherlock Holmes himself referred this case to our chambers more than 15 years ago.

PETER: OK, Wendy. (Laughs.) This is a new level of crazy, even for you.

WENDY: I know about the diamonds, Peter. (PETER and TINK look nervously at each other.) TINK: I have no idea what you’re talking about! (Flees the room

suddenly.) PETER: (Trying to stay cool.) What diamonds? WENDY: C’mon, Pete. You think Hook is after you just because your

pranks are annoying? PETER: No! He’s after me because I dumped him into the mouth of that

alligator and got his hand chomped off! Now where’s that shadow? (PETER suddenly strides to look under JOHN and MICHAEL’s bed for the shadow. WENDY moves alongside him.) WENDY: Well, yeah, now he is! But why were you guys fighting in the

first place? PETER: (Shrugging) He doesn’t like my style. We’ve just been minding

our own business, playing games, building campfires. He’s jealous of my crew – and my hat!

WENDY: There’s nothing you have that might belong to him. PETER: Nope! WENDY: Nothing at all?

Exposed!- Page 52 PETER: I’m just a boy who hasn’t grown up. I’ll bet the shadow is in

your walk-in closet! (PETER continues to search in the closet, WENDY trailing closely behind.)

What would he want with me? WENDY: According to intelligence, about ten years ago a large bag of

diamonds went missing from a three-masted brig called the Queen Anne’s Revenge. The captain of the ship? Blackbeard himself. The boatswain? A pirate lord named Mr. James No-Hook-For-His-Hand-Yet.

PETER: So? I was in Nadaland at the time. WENDY: Curious that nobody can place you there on that night. PETER: (Crossing to go look in dresser.) Tink will vouch for me! WENDY: Witnesses at the pirate cove report seeing unusual amounts of

pixie dust littered throughout the ship. The diamonds were under the boatswain’s charge.

PETER: Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t! WENDY: Boatswain No-Hook-For-His-Hand-Yet was blamed for the

theft of the diamonds. He escaped Blackbeard’s furious clutches by the skin of his teeth. Of course, he was nearly captured and fed to alligators.

PETER: What is a boatswain, anyway? WENDY: Trusted security. You were warm for a second, now you’re

cold again. In the right spot, though. PETER: Huh? Oh, you mean the shadow. (Goes through dresser

drawers again.) WENDY: Now being blamed for such a crime probably made your

nemesis a little surly. I can’t say I blame our one-handed friend. PETER: Whatever! He’s a jerk. WENDY: After escaping, our agents followed the boatswain to the

infamous Pirate’s Cove, where he soon rounded up a group of drifters, roustabouts and thieves. He put them on a new ship: the Jolly Roger.

PETER: Is this exposition almost through? AHA! (HE produces the shadow from a drawer, and begins to try and put it on his feet)

WENDY: The boatswain appointed himself Captain. Six months later, the Jolly Roger set up shop in the pirate village/harbor of Nadaland, where they’ve been ever since.

PETER: How the heck did your agents get into Nadaland? WENDY: We’re that good, Peter. It isn’t hard to find. Second star to the

right, and straight on until morning. Dude, you’re killing me with that shadow. Let me help you.

Exposed!- Page 53 PETER: I got this! WENDY: I can have that on for you in like two minutes, good as new! PETER: I don’t trust you! WENDY: Give it to me! (PETER darts away from WENDY, who gives chase.) PETER: Well this is quite a story you’ve concocted about these

diamonds, Wendy. I mean, Special Agent Wendy. Now, if you’ll just excuse me -

WENDY: We also know where the diamonds are hidden, of course. They’re with your little Princess Tiger.

PETER: (Stops dead in his tracks. Silence.) Prove it. WENDY: Should we have a talk with Princess Tiger’s dad? (PETER doesn’t move. HE stands face to face with WENDY, regarding her.) PETER: OK, you got us. What are you going to do, arrest us? WENDY: What if I could get Hooky-pants out of your hair once and for

all? PETER: That would totally rule! WENDY: Let me rephrase the question. What are you going to give me

so I DON’T tell Captain Cranky to stage a full-on pirate raid on Princess Tiger’s village and take back what’s his?

PETER: I’m sure some of those diamonds could find their way to you. WENDY: Some? PETER: Half? WENDY: Better. (TINK suddenly dashes back in from the open window.) TINK: Jeez, Peter, could you cave any more to this extortion artist? I

am not going to sit around while a bunch of derby-hat wearing, funny-talking mustachioed agents ruin our Nadaland gig! We get out of here NOW, Peter. We get the diamonds and the Lost Boys, toss this meddling child out the window, and hightail it down to Tahiti!

PETER: No. I’m tired of watching over my shoulder for Hook-for-a-Hand. You win, Wendy. Let’s just go to Nadaland.

************END OF PREVIEW OF THIS SEGMENT****************

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EXPOSED! WRAP AROUND SEGMENT #9

(LIGHTS UP.) WARREN PIECE: Now you know what really happened in that nursery.

So parents – beware! Keep those windows locked tight or you might find yourself with a diamond smuggler befriending your tween daughter!

Thank you for watching Exposed! tonight. Tune in next week when we find out the real story behind a certain doctor’s poetry. Did the cat really wear a hat? And if so, was he forced to wear this hat in some sort of blackmail scheme? This story and more on the next episode of Exposed!

Thank you for reading this free excerpt from EXPOSED! (EIGHT 10-MINUTE TALES ABOUT WHAT REALLY HAPPENED) by Sean Abley, Michael Beyer,

Jenny Kirkland-Laffey, and Amy Seeley. For performance rights and/or a complete copy of the script, please contact us at:

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