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Failed Marriages A Perspective with Solution

By Khalid Baig

Material development and urbanization over the years has came up with an alarmingincrease in ratio of failed marriages along with other issues. To tap the solution for the

same, this issue needs a holistic autopsy.

It is no denying the fact that for most of the marriages ending in divorce or separation

mostly the wives and usually the children are at the losing end. Despite this being obvious

that no sane person likes it this way, the ratio is growing continuously like ever-soaring

debt of the Third world countries.

In countries and societies where divorce rates are high, Saudia being one of such places

unfortunately, the general social order and peace is always at stake both in long term andshort term perspective. This in no way supplements the goals and objectives of a society

and country at large.

The best way to deal with a problem is to solve the problem, and no result oriented and

sustainable solution is possible unless the issue at hand is screened and analyzed fully with

all its respective socio-cultural facets.

Failed marriages is something linked to the institution of marriage, and to identify

sustainable solutions - both long term and short term, to this problem, let us see what Quran

says impliedly and expressedly about marriage:

And Allah has given you wives of your own kind, and has given you , from your wives,

sons and grandsons, and had bestowed for you good provision. Do they then believe in

false deities and deny the favour of Allah (by not worshipping Allah Alone) (16:72)*

And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that

you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, inthat are indeed Signs for a people who reflect.(30:21)*

These verses immaculately mention that the rationale of marriage as an institution is to livein peace and love with spouses, multiply reproduce, and be grateful to the Creator.

Love is the key word here, as fountain head of mutual trust and respect, which actuallyleads to peaceful living as a couple but only if we can differentiate between love and lust,

as when lust is misidentified as love, the result is lewdness, which can never be lasting. The

lasting bond is guaranteed by love (as reflected in above mentioned verses), which isharmony of minds that can be achieved by expecting and respecting the mutual difference,

caring, confiding and communicating with each other.

Despite marriage being such a desirable relation, still the ratio of disturbed marriages isvery high, and the reason (to quiet an extent) for this can be found in non-compliance of the

following verse (especially the last part of this verse) of Quran:

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O you who believe! you are forbidden to inherit women against their will, and you should

not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the Mahr (bridal money

given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) you have given them, unless theycommit open illegal sexual intercourse. And live with them honorably. If you dislike them,

it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings through it a great deal of good. (4:19)

*

Defiance of the clear injunctions of Quran lead to the disturbance, and roots of this fact canbe traced back to the environment, one is exposed to at his or her early age . It not onlyshed light on attitudes as adults in different relations, but also hints a Long Term solution

to the problem.

Addressing the issue of failed marriages, a two prong strategy viz. Short Term Strategy andLong Term Strategy is required. Both the strategies are epitomized below:

Short Term Strategy

In this context following points may entail in some good results:

1. Steps like Pre-Marriage training (as proposed in the 23rd May 05 edition of Saudi

Gazette) may prove quite handy. In addition to this, post marriage counseling is

equally important.

2. The result from these steps can further be cemented by introducing some case

studies and thesis work at university level for both males and females, who not only

are spouses of tomorrow, but also are mature enough to take the input in rightperspective.

3. Introduction of sex education at right rung of academic ladder with proper home

work for at junior levels it may ignite unwanted excitement, which would haveserious repercussions for society at large.

The short term strategy has the potential to increase the survival rate of marriages

considerably, as if either of the partner is empowered to handle the rough patches of

married life, s/he would possibly think and act rationally.

Since problem is not only of immediate nature, it is a matter that has roots deep in the very

psychology and biology of both males and females, thus the whole society, which is further

supplemented by some stereotype perceptions nurtured from early ages, so thesustainability of the short-terms results (as stand-alone strategy) may not be guaranteed.

For sustainability of the same, we need to focus on long term strategy vis--vis the shortterm, which is discussed below.

Long Term Strategy

The objective of this strategy is to steer the social thinking/psychology as a whole, to such

maturity level that it can serve as social pressure to check failed marriages effectively. The

possible action plan for this could be:

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1. Right from early age, parents should teach & demonstrate respect towards opposite

gender to their children i.e. by being a role model in domestic environment. Most of

the mindsets are result of early childhood experience and exposures!

2. Education at School / High School level in context of approach towards opposite

gender should based on EQUALITY as hinted in the Quran as:

And whoever does righteous good deeds, be he a male or a female, and is truebeliever in the Oneness of Allah (Muslim), such will enter Paradise and not the

least injustice, even to the size of a speck on the back of a date-stone, will be doneto them. (4:124)*

3. The concept that males have one degree over females needs to be put in rightperspective, at all platforms of social interaction e.g. home, school, college,

university etc, again Quran tells us about this issue as :

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made the

one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their

means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and theirhusbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard

(e.g. their chastity, their husbands property etc). As to those women on whose part

you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and

last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek notagainst them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most

Great.(4:34)*

This verse epitomize the rationale of men being one degree over as follows:

1. Men areprotector of women, because Allah has made them stronger physically, so

they can excel the women, and all ranks agree that enduring realities of practicallife earning livelihood is the reason.

2. Men are maintainers of women, because they support women from their (men)means from what they earn using the strength Allah has blessed them (men) with.

It is also pertinent to mention here that the middle part of the same verse highlights conduct

of righteous women based on this very rationale, and the last part of the same verse laysdown condition i.e. ill-conduct(disloyalty to husbands) , to justify maltreatment of women

by man (which should be light and with a clear potential of being useful), which is not

allowed out rightly, but only after having admonishedand refusing the bedwith her. One

wonders then how brutal beating of a wife by husband could be justified, which is

anything but Islamic!

So a question arises here that if a man is neither protecting a women, nor supporting her

from his means, on what ground should he demand devotion & obedience!, or what logic is

left at his disposal to wrongfully exploit a women just by misappropriating this verse?

This is something for elders of the society to ponder upon and help the younger generationwith a rationale solution its a matter for all our brothers and sisters!

Furthermore, but for this logically conditioned difference of status (between men andwomen), both men and women are equal in every aspect, as per the Quran i.e.

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Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true

believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in the world withrespect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in

proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter) (16:97)*

Verily, the Muslims (those who submit to Allah in Islam) men and women, the believer

men and women (who believe in Islamic Monotheism), the men and the women who areobedient (to Allah), the men and the women who are truthful (in their speech and deeds),

the men and the women who are patient (in performing all the duties which Allah hasordered and in abstaining from all what Allah has forbidden), the men and the women who

are humble (before their Lord Allah), the men and the women who give charity

(obligatory i.e. Zakat, and non-obligatory i.e. alms, etc), the men and the women who fast(the obligatory fasting during the Month of Ramadan, and the optional Nawafil fasting),

the men and the women who guard their chastity (from illegal sexual acts) and the men

and the women who remember Allah much with their hearts and tongues (while sitting,standing, lying etc. for more than 300 times extra over the remembrance of Allah during

the five compulsory congregational prayers, or praying extra additional Nawafil prayers

of night in the last part of night etc.) Allah has prepared for them forgiveness and a greatreward (i.e. Paradise) (33:35)*

It manifest the logic that men and women are equal in eye of Almighty, and in a specific

relation if a degree is granted to men over women it is conditioned with protection and(support) maintenance!

All the members of a Muslim society, and ummah at large, should consider the fact thatIslamic Code of Conduct both individually and socially, is determined by Allah and HIS

messenger Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, and family norms, clan binding,

cultural patterns or customary mores should only be the means to this end, not the end

itself!

An across the board employment of both short-term and long-term strategies as detailedabove, has a solid potential to effectively curb the problem of failing marriages in our

society, InshallahIndeed Allah is All - Knower!

* Translation of the meanings of Quranic verses by Dr Muhsin Khan & Dr Taqiuddin

Hilali, published by Darussalam & approved by late Sheikh Abullaziz bin Baz