Strategies For Coping With A Suicidal Parent

Suicide prevention starts with recognizing the warning signs and taking them seriously.

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, you might be afraid to

bring up the subject. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and

feelings can save a life.

Understanding A Suicidal Parent

Anyone with someone potentially suicidal in the family lives constantly on edge.

Living with a parent who may be suicidal can make a son or daughter feel like he or she isn't doing enough to prevent disaster.

Suicidal parents may neglect a child , abuse, threaten them and make the child responsible for making them feel bad--and that it's somehow the child's job to make them better.

Sometimes, a suicidal parent may act completely "normal" and simply hide away their problems.

How To Deal With A Suicidal Parent

Ask if s/he is truly thinking about hurting him/herself. It seems counter to good sense to come right out and ask, but do it.

The most important thing you can do for your parent is to let him/her know that you hear the pain.

Knowing that s/he is actually being heard and taken seriously can be Step One to recovery, believe it or not. 

So, kindly and gently say something like, "Dad, it really hurts me to see you in such pain. When you said 'I feel like killing myself,' did you really mean that?“

 If Dad says, "I was just so frustrated..." that means you can probably exhale. It does not mean he won't feel worse later, but it does mean he wasn't serious. If Dad says, "I'm just tired of everything," that is much more serious.

Steps You Can Take If A Parent Is Threatening Suicide

It's natural and common to want to do everything you can to help your parents. Keep in mind you are not a parent (even as an adult) and what you can do is limited. You cannot deal with this alone.

Are Your Parents Your Responsibility?

Rarely are people suicidal without severe depression, or other mental health issues such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or the like. They are coping with mental illness. 

They are affected by problems that are not caused by you, even if you acted out, misbehaved, or otherwise acted less than perfect.

Recognize The Real Problem

There are many people and services who can and WILL help you cope with this challenging time. Some of the places you can go to are:

If you are a student, talk to your guidance counselor, school psychologist, social worker

Tell a senior teacher that you trust. Tell your doctor, or your parent’s doctor

Tell a clergyman or clergywoman, even if you don't attend a place of worship.

Check your phone book for hotlines in your area--they can help you out immediately.

Tell a friend or close relative of your parents.

Get Immediate Help And Support

If you believe a suicide attempt is imminent, or someone has made an attempt, call 911.

Go to a neighbor's house, safe location, or any place you can get help if you are in danger, or think your parent is out of control.

This is particularly important when a gun is involved. No matter how scared you are to leave your parents, get out to a safe place.

Tell someone what’s happening ASAP.

If Your Parent Has Made A Suicide Attempt

While you will obviously be concerned for your parent, it’s essential you get help and support for yourself. Your own self-care is absolutely essential.

You will also need someone to help you sort through whatever the aftermath of this time is.

If your parent is still alive, it's likely he or she will have to step away from a parental role for a while.

Get Help For Yourself

Given the circumstances it will be normal and natural to experience a wide range of feelings. Some of these will be: Anger Confusion Frustration Fear Numbness Uncertainty

Accept Your Feelings

Even if you are in your later teens and exceptionally mature, everyone needs a parent. You can’t be expected to parent yourself.

Don’t try to parent younger siblings. They will require love and support from an adult, but that shouldn’t be your.

It’s appropriate to seek out an older relative, or family friend to help you during this difficult time.

Do Not Try To Parent Yourself

You have every right to ask questions about what happened and what will happen now -- especially details like where you will live, what treatment you and your parent will get, and so on.

But realize that some details may not be given to you. Some facts, like specific details about the incident, may not be given to you immediately, if at all.

Some details will not be useful to you and may not give you answers you want. In some ways, it's very likely that whatever answers you are finally given will not satisfy you completely, so be prepared for a feeling of being unsettled that lingers.

Ask Questions - Seek Understanding

When children experience the sudden death of a parent, they go through what we call traumatic grieving.

This kind of death is not just a painful thing to assimilate; it triggers an emotionally complicated or conflicted process.

a suicide generates horror, anger, shame, confusion, and guilt—all feelings that a child can experience as overwhelming.

The biggest risk to a child's emotional health is not being able, or encouraged, to express these feelings, and get an understanding of what happened that he or she can live with

The Aftermath Of A Suicide

First, they require simple and honest answers to their questions.

They need to know that their feelings are acceptable: anger at a mother or a father who committed suicide is normal, and it doesn't mean a betrayal of the love

you have, or the terrible loss you may be feeling. If the person who died has been mentally ill for a

long time, a child might actually feel relieved at the death, and that, too, he or she needs to be allowed to

feel. After a suicide, children need to know that they're

not to blame.

What Do Children Need?

If a child's sadness and withdrawal from normal activities don't dissipate over time, and they begin

to cause impairment—refusal to go to school, changes in sleep habits, a decrease in appetite,

irritability—they can be cause for concern. The biggest sign that someone is not grieving in a

natural way is a disturbed relation to the memory of the loved one. This can include avoiding places

or situations that might remind a child of the parent who died, emotional numbing, or selective

amnesia about the traumatic loss. 

The Recovery Process

Children with avoidant personalities or extreme anxiety will more easily fall into an unhealthy

coping style. Children who have experienced other traumas are

also more likely to respond poorly, given the "practice" they have had. 

Kids who lack strong support networks—both within the family and within the community at

large—suffer more.

Who Is Most At Risk?

From the Mayo Clinic:Keep in touch. Reach out to loved ones, friends and spiritual leaders for comfort, understanding and healing.Grieve in your own way. Do what's right for you, not someone else.Be prepared for painful reminders. Anniversaries, holidays and other special occasions can be painful reminders.Don't rush yourself. Losing someone to suicide is a tremendous blow, and healing must occur at its own pace.

Expect setbacks. Some days will be better than others, even years after the suicide — and that's OK. Consider a support group for families affected by suicide. Sharing your story with others who are experiencing the same type of grief might help you find a sense of purpose or strength

Coping With The Loss

Strategies For CopingWith A Suicidal Sibling

Sometimes people will lament that they are going to kill themselves, but they are kidding and do not literally plan on doing so. Check for signs of depression:  This is often how the

train of suicidal thoughts begins. 

 Notice if your sibling has stopped seeing the fun in things they used to enjoy, stays in their room/in bed more than usual, or is simply "down".

 It is rare that someone will admit their suicidal thoughts out loud, so you may have to dig a little deeper to see if depression is the root cause of this.

Are The Feelings Genuine?

Your sibling may need to talk it out with someone- step up to be that person.

One of the strongest relationships you will ever have is with your brother or sister, so be there when you're needed the most.

Listen and show you care (because you do). Be sympathetic and understanding to what they're

saying, and don't blow anything off or take any statement lightly.

If they are elaborating on thoughts of their death, consider what they're saying and take note of important points.

Offer Your Support And Love

Your sibling may order, threaten or even beg you not to do so, but a very important step here is telling someone immediately.

Alerting a parent is best, as this is someone who lives with and loves you and your sibling.

Also consider telling a close relative (grandparent, another sibling, etc.) or a school counselor.

Get Advice From An Adult

Show your sibling that they will be missed. 

People suffering from depression may fantasize about their funerals and claim that nobody would miss them if they died.

Let them know that this is not true, and that taking their lives would only hurt everyone else.

Emphasize How Important They Are To You

You can help the most by just listening to what she has to say

Avoid trying to solve their problems, or come up with solutions – that’s for a professional therapist or

doctor Show that your are concerned enough by spending

time with them, and really listening. Let them know you care, and they’re not alone

If there is immediate danger, don’t leave them alone Do what you can to remove any items that could

facilitate a suicide

More Things You Can Do

Changes or behaviours that may indicate a personal crisis for someone are:

Sudden changes in their usual pattern of relating to others

Withdrawing from family and friends, or not wanting to be left alone

Not wanting to be touched Loss of interest in usual activities

Loss of humor, or unusual change to acting the clown

Warning Signs

Decline in school or other work, disinterest in studies or future

Apathy about dress or appearance and self neglect Changes that suggest depression or other mental health problems, e.g. lack of concentration, changes

in sleep pattern, delusions, or hallucinations Sudden happiness after lengthy period of depression

Marked weight increase or decrease Increased use of alcohol or drugs

Self-mutilation such as cigarette burns, or cutting oneself

Look For Personal Changes

“I wish I were dead” “You won’t have to bother with me any more”

“I think dead people must be happier than when they were alive”

“I’d like to go to sleep and never wake up”

Things A Sibling Might Say

It is absolutely imperative to get help and support for yourself as well. The RETHINK MENTAL

ILLNESS SIBLINGS NETWORK is a great resource. You can reach them at:

WWW.RETHINK.ORG

A great downloadable fact sheet:http://

www.rethink.org/media/465803/Siblings%20Network%20How%20to%20help%20someone%20who%20is%20suicidal.pdf

Rethink Mental Illness' Siblings Network

Strategies For Coping With A Suicidal Friend

Someone to listen. Someone who will take time to really listen to them. Someone who

won't judge, or give advice or opinions, but will give their undivided attention.

Someone to trust. Someone who will respect them and won't try to take charge. Someone

who will treat everything in complete confidence.

Someone to care. Someone who will make themselves available, put the person at ease

and speak calmly. Someone who will reassure, accept and believe. Someone who will say, "I

care."

What Does A Suicidal Friend Want?

You may have heard that people who talk about suicide won't actually go through with it. That's not true. People who talk about suicide may be likely to try it.

As a friend, you may also know if the person is going through some tough times. Sometimes, a specific event, stress, or crisis — like a relationship breaking up or a death in the family — can trigger suicidal behavior in someone who is already feeling depressed and showing the warning signs listed above.

My Friend Is Talking About Suicide:What Should I Do?

To be alone. Rejection can make the problem seem ten times worse. Having someone to turn

to makes all the difference. Just listen. To be advised. Lectures don't help. Nor does a

suggestion to "cheer up", or an easy assurance that "everything will be okay." Don't analyze, compare, categorize or criticize. Just listen.

To be interrogated. Don't change the subject, don't pity or patronize. Talking about feelings is difficult. People who feel suicidal don't want to be rushed or put on the defensive. Just listen.

What Does A Suicidal Friend Not Want?

75% of people who commit suicide tell someone about it in advance.

Sometimes those contemplating suicide talk as if they are saying goodbye or going away forever.

Between 20-40% of people who kill themselves have previously attempted suicide.

Although most depressed people are not suicidal, most suicidal people are depressed.

Serious depression doesn't always look like obvious sadness. Often it is expressed as irritability, or as a loss of pleasure or withdrawal from activities that

were once enjoyable.

It Helps To Know This

If you have a friend who is talking about suicide or showing other warning signs, don't wait to see if he or she starts to feel better.

Talk about it. Most of the time, people who are considering

suicide are willing to discuss it if someone asks them out of concern and care.

What You Can Do

Starting the conversation with someone you think may be considering suicide helps in many ways.

Get The Conversation Started

Allows you to get help

for the person

Talking helps the person to

feel less alone

Discussing the situation

generates options

Listen to your friend without judging and offer reassurance that you're there and you care.

If you think your friend is in immediate danger, stay close — make sure he or she isn't left

alone. Don’t assume responsibility for their happiness

– but help them reach viable support (like 911, a suicide hotline, etc).

Find out if they have THE MEANS to commit suicide – if so try to remove this/these (such as

guns).

The Importance Of Listening

Even if you're sworn to secrecy and you feel like you'll be betraying your friend if you tell, you should still get help.

Share your concerns with an adult you trust as soon as possible.

You can also call the toll-free number for a suicide crisis line (like 1-800-SUICIDE) or a local emergency number

(911).

The important thing is to notify a responsible adult. Although it may be tempting to try to

help your friend on your own, it's always safest to get help.

Tell Someone!

Sometimes even if you get help and adults intervene, a friend or classmate may attempt or

die by suicide. When this happens, it's common to have many different emotions. Some teens say they feel guilty

— especially if they felt they could have interpreted their friend's actions and words better. Others say they feel angry with the person for

doing something so selfish. Still others say they feel nothing at all — they are

too filled with grief to process their emotions.

Sometimes Things Happen

If you are having difficulty dealing with a friend or classmate's suicide, it's best to talk to an

adult you trust. Feeling grief after a friend dies by suicide is

normal. But if that sadness begins to interfere with your

everyday life, it's a sign that you may need to speak with someone about your feelings.

In The Aftermath Of Suicide

There are few personal tragedies that affect our lives more deeply than suicide.

We are often left with unresolved issues and unanswered questions.

Sometimes, irrespective of the best and most determined efforts, someone close to us will still commit suicide.

Utilize the resource section in this course to help you find the support you need to understand this challenging topic.

Final Thoughts

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US

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