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FAMILY FEELING :
The Language of emotional experience in families
Tania Zapparoni
Family Therapy Conference
20/10/2016
WHY FAMILY FEELING?
Giving voice to emotional experience has
been long thought to be an individual
endeavour.
Thinking systemically however about the
language of feeling and emotions has
offered invaluable opportunities for
individuals, families, and therapists.
THE ROLE OF CURIOUSITY My curiosity about family feeling began when
listening to the way individuals within individual and family therapy described their histories of emotional states.
My curiosity first began in my work with young people and their families and wondering about the language that they chose to describe how they were feeling.
I wondered why they chose the particular words to describe what they were grappling than others.
PARALLEL JOURNEY
I sought to give voice to my musings and
curiosity as clients struggled to give voice
to what they were feeling.
As I read and wondered a simple question
became illuminating : What is the family
story about this? to unlock something for
individuals and families.
CONTEXT AND LANGUAGE
My curiousity led me led to a consideration
of a post modern or post structuralist
approach to language.
This is particularly reflected in the
collaborative approach of Harry Goolishan
and Harlene Anderson (Anderson,
2001;2012).
LANGUAGE IS : In this approach language is : relational,
generative, and fluid (Anderson, 2001 ; 2012).
Influenced by external systems and constraints.
The words used or not used are significant and entering into family conversations about who talks: when, why, and how and having conversations about conversations can offer new opportunities.
CONVERSATION PARTNERS
The therapist and family in this view are
conversation partners.
Family members are also then,
conversation partners with eachother.
NOW AND THEN There is also a role of considering current
and intergenerational influences on family stories of feeling.
The work of Bozormeniy-Nagy (in Le Goff, 2001) highlights the legacies and dilemmas left over from one generation to the next.
John Byng-Hall also highlights (1979) the idea of family myths, about experiences, events, and history can yield a powerful influence over subsequent generations and can be sought to be understood.
TO ILLUSTRATE :
Dan : “True Love = Pain All gain”
A 20 year old man whose girlfriend broke
up with him unexpectedly
Intense distress over the loss of the
relationship exhibited some suicidal
behaviour
Couldn’t accept the end of the relationship
Was constantly engaged in attempts “to
get her back”
DAN CONTINUED
Dan was convinced that he needed to be
in pain and suffer and keep trying to win
his girlfriend back and this was beginning
to cause a number of difficulties
Introduced the concept of the family story
around love and pain in relation to lost
love
Talked with parents around this and
explored this narrative over time
DAN CONTINUED
Eliciting information about the “language in
love” in the family and invoking also
conversations with grandparents helped
Dan move to a more reflective position.
It didn’t completely resolve the concerns
but facilitated a different way for Dan and
his parents to look at his situation and
reduced some conflict.
“THE PAIN ESCAPE”
A Family with a highly traumatized background where members across three generations had experienced abuse, the loss of parents through violent crime, and unexpected and isolating migration.
All family members were engaged in substance use of some kind
The presenting issue was the daughter’s problematic heroin use
THE PAIN ESCAPE CONTINUED
It emerged that all family members were engaged in problematic substance use of alcohol of pain medication or of cannabis
Problematic substance use was evident across three generations of the family
The family story of escaping emotional pain, fear, and distress was entrenched but as the pain escape was articulated ,discussed, and shared.
THE PAIN ESCAPE
The family’s way of coping as in many was to locate all the pain, shame, within their oldest daughter and to rationalize other addictions and trauma.
In the complexity of this family story and the concern of all members for the very real risks that existed for their daughter there had been no opportunity for a conversation of the pain escape.
THE PAIN ESCAPE
Beginning a conversation around this was
only a small component of a complex focus
and long term piece of work that involved
many different exchanges and crisis
situations that emerged.
Allowing space despite the difficulty was a
way of beginning an opportunity to look
differently at the family’s history and the
coping mechanisms of individual members.
“ANGRY SONS AND FATHERS”
Alan and Alisa
Alan was 21 and in a very difficult situation
Community Based Order, anger difficulties
and a commitment to change but unsure
how
Alisa very worried about Alan, and who
was terrfied that Alan “was just like his
father”
ANGRY SONS AND FATHERS
Father was estranged from Ailsa and Alan
Ailsa had a family history of a father and
brother who very angry and explosive
Articulating the family story of anger and
fear of anger and who this impacted on
Alan and Ailsa allowed different
perspectives and sharing to occur
ANGRY SONS AND FATHERS
Once again an element in a bigger piece
of work , but an opportunity for reflection,
and beginning to position oneself
differently to another family member.
FOR SUPERVISEES? The consideration of family feeling may be helpful
for supervisees.
In my current role, I’m working with a number of trainee counsellors and provisional psychologists who work with schools with children in schools and their family and teaching systems.
The idea of considering the role of stories of family feeling and conversations about conversations between children and parents and grandparents have assisted the supervisees to have a different frame and produce in some cases different results.
INVITATION FOR PARTICIPANTS
Consider your own family story about
sadness, anger, and happiness.
Imagine having a discussion with a family
member in this way.
What do you anticipate this might be like?
INVITATION CONT
Now consider a client
family/couple/individual and their family
story of feeling.
How you might elicit it?
Do you think it would help?
If so, why?
If not, why not?
THANKYOU
Any questions?
REFERENCES
Anderson, H. (2001). Postmodern and
collaborative and person-centred
therapies: What would Carl Rogers say?
Journal of Family Therapy, 23,(4),339-360.
Anderson, H. (2012). Harlene Anderson
and not Knowing.
www.you.tube.com/watch?
REFERENCES
Byng-Hall, J. (1979). Re-editing family mythology during family therapy. Journal of Family Therapy, 1, (2), 103-116.
Le Goff, J.F. (2001). Fundamentals of theory and practice revisited : Bozormenyi-Nagy and Contextual Therapy an overview. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 22, (3), 147-157.