Family Guy Spec- To Beer or Not to Beer

To Beer Or Not To Beer

By

Christopher Connell Taylor

Family Guy Spec

www.christopherconnelltaylor.com

[email protected]

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Chris, Meg, and Stewie at the table. Lois cooking.

STEWIE

Say mother, I’ve been sitting here

for what seems to be a damn

fortnight, and the pancakes have

yet to appear on my plate.

LOIS

Patience, Stewie. Breakfast is

coming.

STEWIE

Very well, if I am to suffer one

bloody hemorrhoid you will be first

to experience impetuous doom by the

SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION DEVICE!

Lois serves WAFFLES.

STEWIE

What the hell is this...?

LOIS

Eat your breakfast, Stewie.

Stewie knocks his plate off the table: SHATTER!

STEWIE

Damn you, woman! Only one kind of

fried cake enters this mouth and

that’s BLOODY PANCAKES!

Peter strolls through the kitchen with a KEG.

LOIS

Peter, what are you doing?

PETER

Camping, Lois.

LOIS

Camping? Peter, you never told me

you were camping this weekend?

PETER

Lois, there’s lots of things I

never tell you... like that time I

lost my ring.

2.

FLASHBACK: INT. BATHROOM

Brian hangs over the sink with a straightened wire hanger,

maneuvering it down the drain. Peter under the sink.

PETER

Oh God, Brian, can you get it?

Brian gives up and pulls up the hanger.

BRIAN

I can’t Peter, it’s too far. I

don’t think you’ll get it back.

PETER

Damnit, I’ll never forgive myself

for this. Wait, wait I... I think I

got it.

Peter comes up with an ONION RING!

PETER

That was a close one.

Peter tosses it in his mouth. The soggy thing doesn’t even

crunch.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Lois giving Peter "the look."

LOIS

Exactly where are you camping this

weekend? Peter, you know I made

plans to visit my parents this

weekend. You’re supposed to watch

the children.

PETER

Relax Lois, I’m camping in the back

yard.

LOIS

What’s the beer for?

PETER

Lois, camping isn’t camping unless

everyone is drunk all the time. And

as an American taxpayer it is my

God given right to walk out of here

without explaining anything.

Peter leaves.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

LOIS

I swear that man can never give me

a clear answer.

BRIAN

Ha, yeah. I bet that’s what cost

him the Miss Teen USA Pageant.

FLASHBACK: MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT

Peter onstage wearing a blue, formal evening gown. A South

Carolina sash around his shoulder.

HOSTESS (O.S.)

Recent polls have shown a fifth of

Americans can’t locate the US on a

world map. Why do you think this

is?

PETER

I, personally, believe that US

Americans, such as Miley Cyrus and

Bugs Bunny, are unable to attain

enlightenment because they lack

certain God fearing qualities that

make businesses such as McDonald’s

and Starbucks equally competitive

in the final minutes of the NBA

Finals giving our students in Iraq

the

(ding)

nuclear arms they need to blow up

America.

EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT

Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland and Peter. Quagmire holds a beer

bong.

QUAGMIRE

Hey, Peter. You want to take a hit

off this beer bong I had sex with

last night.

PETER

Did you wash it?

QUAGMIRE

Nope.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

PETER

Great! Fill it up.

Peter kneels.

PETER

Good thing I ate all that pizza Cuz

last time I did this on a empty

stomach and I felt like crap.

Peter puts the tube in his mouth. Quagmire fills the funnel

with beer. Peter immediately upchucks everywhere: twice.

PETER

Ah, much better.

Lois comes into frame.

LOIS

Peter, I’m going to let you have

your little slumber party on one

condition, promise me you won’t buy

more beer.

PETER

Lois, as God as my witness, I

promise not to buy more beer; and,

as an act of good faith, I will

give you my wallet.

Peter hands it over.

LOIS

Good, and remember, keep an eye on

the children.

Lois stomps off. Passes Brian.

LOIS

Brian, look out for Peter.

BRIAN

Great, I hope this goes better than

last time I babysat Peter.

FLASHBACK: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Brian watches TV. Peter enters inconspicuously. He waves

someone in. Through the door comes LANCE BASS.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

BRIAN

Not in the house, Peter.

Close on Lance Bass.

LANCE

Damn.

EXT. BACKYARD - DAWN

Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Peter around a campfire,

passed out in sleeping bags. Peter wakes up in a cold

drunken stupor.

He picks up a beer: empty.

PETER

Ah!

Joe wakes up.

JOE

Peter, is everything Ok?

PETER

Must have more beer.

JOE

Well, you should have thought of

that before you gave Lois your

wallet.

Peter doesn’t respond. He totters off in a drunken sway.

EXT. BACKYARD - LATER

Everyone still asleep. Peter saunters back with a

twenty-four pack of beer. He barely reaches the campfire and

passes out.

DAWN BREAKS AWAY TO DAY

Peter wakes up. He rubs his eyes, blurs become the beer.

PETER

Sweet!

He cracks open a cold one. Everyone wakes up.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

QUAGMIRE

Yay! More beer!

JOE

Peter, where’d you get money for

that?

PETER

I don’t know. I must have sold

something.

INT. HERBERT’S BASEMENT

Chris dangling with his hands tied up to ceiling. Herbert

right behind him in dominatrix, holding a whip.

HERBERT

Say Chris, would you like to meet

Mr. Peeples?

CHRIS

Who’s Mr. Peeples?

HERBERT

He’s old an friend of mine and

he’ll only come out if you scream.

CHRIS

Uh, gee Herbert, I don’t know if I

want to meet Mr. --

Herbert flogs him.

CHRIS

AHHHHHH!

EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

Brian strolls up to Peter.

BRIAN

Peter, have you seen Chris around?

PETER

Nope.

Brian notices the beer.

BRIAN

Peter, where’d you get money for

beer? Didn’t Lois take your wallet?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

PETER

Sold something.

BRIAN

Like what?

PETER

Wait... it’s coming back to me.

Something from Chris’s room that’s

really dumb and fat--with a

baseball cap--Oh my God, I sold

Chris!

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Peter on the couch, glum. Brian pacing.

PETER

What am I going to do? Lois is

gonna kill me.

BRIAN

Relax Peter, she won’t kill you,

she’ll divorce you.

PETER

Great, then what will I do? Pick up

girls at the bar?

FLASHBACK: INT. DRUNKEN CLAM

Peter sits at the bar next to a hot chick who flirts with

her eyes.

HOT CHICK

Hey there big boy, I’m getting

kinda thirsty--could use a HARD,

STIFF drink.

PETER

Oh, geez ma’am, I’m sorry about

this.

(to Horris)

Hey, Horris! Lady wants a drink!

(to hot chick, whisper)

Between you and me service around

here kinda sucks.

8.


Back to Peter and Brian.

BRIAN

Do you have any idea who you sold

Chris to?

Peter is spacing out. Brian smacks --

BRIAN

Peter!

PETER

Huh, what?

BRIAN

Who did you sell Chris too?

PETER

Sell Chris who...? Where am I?

Brian grunts in angst.

BRIAN

There’s only one way to solve this.

Brian sniffs Peter. He follows a sent leading to --

EXT. FRONT YARD - DAY

Peter behind Brian as he tracks a scent.

BRIAN

Hey... Hey, I think I got

something. Smells like...

Jergins... and... tapioca pudding

and.... Poligrip...? Herbert!

An unmarked vehicle swerves up to the Griffin’s house. Chris

rolls out the back door, gagged and bonded.

INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - DAY

Brian and Peter at Chris’ bedside. Chris mutters to himself

while in a quasi-unconscious state.

CHRIS

Please, no more popsicles Mr.

Herbert.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

PETER

(sigh)

This would have never happened if I

wasn’t a drunk. From this day on,

Peter Griffin will live a life of

sobriety.

BRIAN

(sarcastic)

That’s wonderful, Peter. Hope it

goes better than the last time you

quit drinking.

FLASHBACK: EXT./INT. BATHROOM

Brian holds a glass of wine. He saunters by the bathroom

door. Stops.

Peter next to the toilet, passed out. Green fluid oozes down

his cheeks. Next to him an empty bottle of Listerine.

Brian takes a sip of his wine and continues on.

EXT. JOE’S BACKYARD - EVENING

Joe grills burgers. Bonnie comes out and tosses him a

six-pack.

JOE

Thanks, Babe.

Bonnie exits frame. Suddenly --

MAN VOICE

Dad.

KEVIN appears like a ghost from the past.

JOE

Kevin... I thought you died in

Iraq.

KEVIN

No, Dad! I made it out alive. It’s

the most amazing story. I was held

captive and tortured for months and

--

Bang! Joe shoots Kevin.

10.

ON QUAGMIRE, CLEVELAND, AND PETER.

Joe wheels into frame.

JOE

Hey boys, how ’bout a brewski?

Cleveland and Quagmire take one.

JOE

Peter?

PETER

No, thank you. Boy’s, I have an

announcement to make: Peter drunk

is dead. Meet Peter sober.

Awkward silence.

JOE

Uh, alright. So... would you

like some juice?

PETER

Apple would be nice.


Peter, Brian, Stewie, Meg and Chris on the couch watching

tube.

Lois enters with luggage and a bag.

LOIS

Hey, I’m back, and I got gifts for

the whole family. Stewie --

She hands him a small gift-wrapped package.

STEWIE

Thanks, but honestly, anything

could be better than what Brian got

me for my birthday.

FLASHBACK: INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT.

A large cake sits on table.

Through the door enter Stewie and Brian. Brian holds his

paws over Stewie’s eyes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

STEWIE

Oh, what is it, Brian? I can’t take

the suspense.

BRIAN

OK, OK. Now!

He uncovers Stewie’s eyes.

BLONDE FEMALE STRIPPER explodes out cake.

BLONDE STRIPPER

Happy Birthday, Stewie!

Stewie cringes like he just saw Jocelyn Wildenstein.


Stewie opens the package --

STEWIE

Bubble gum cigarettes? Wow, Mother.

What a great way to get me started

on a life-long habit that may

eventually kill me.

Lois hands a gift to Brian. Brian rips it open --

BRIAN

The Twilight Saga Collection....

Uh, thanks Lois. This is... this is

nice.

Next up, Meg.

LOIS

(nervous)

And for my daughter, Meg... I got

this...

She reaches in her purse. Pulls out lipstick.

Meg takes it. Opens the top --

MEG

Mom, someone used this...

A round gift for Chris --

LOIS

Chris, here’s a can of cheese.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

CHRIS

Yay, cheese!

(bites can)

Owe... my tooth hurts.

Lois moves on to Peter.

LOIS

Peter, this is for doing such a

wonderful job watching the

children.

Lois gives Peter a 5th of Vodka.

BRIAN

Lois, I don’t know if that’s what

Peter wants.

We move so Peter is out of frame. We track Brian and Lois.

BRIAN

Because, uh, he kinda made a

resolution... Well, I’ll let him

tell you.

They glance over to Peter who is passed out, holding the

empty bottle.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Lois cooking. Everyone at the table except Peter.

LOIS

Brian, did anything happen while I

was away? I have this feeling.

BRIAN

(nervous)

Yeah. Uh, Yankees lost... Haha.

Which is a shame because--

LOIS

--Brian, is there something you’re

hiding from me.

BRIAN

Hiding? No, everything went great.

Peter did an excellent job taking

care --

Lois saunters over to Brian and bends over so her cleavage

is showing.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

LOIS

Are you sure, Brian?

BRIAN

Peter got drunk and sold Chris.

LOIS

WHAT!

Peter totters into the kitchen, dazed and hung over. He

takes a seat.

PETER

(sigh)

The last time my head hurt this bad

was when I watched an episode of

"Fraiser."

FLASHBACK: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Peter and Brian watch Frasier.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Niles, in my opinion, you’re

psychiatry claims are nothing but

Floccinaucinihilipilification.

NILES (V.O.)

Again, Frasier, you leave me

nonplussed by your degradations.

Studio audience LAUGH.

Brian bearing a smile. Peter stupefied.

PETER

... What?

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Lois approaches Peter with her arms folded.

LOIS

Peter, did you sell Chris?

PETER

Lois, many respectable people have

sold their kids.

INSERT: Photo of BILLY RAY CYRUS.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

LOIS

Peter, that’s no excuse. If it

wasn’t for your drinking problem

none of this would have happened.

Well, you’ve had your last chance

Peter Griffin. Either sober up or

find a new family.

Lois stampers off.

PETER

(to Brian)

Man, she’s pissed. I don’t think

I’ve seen her that upset.

(sigh)

Maybe I should meet up with the

guys at The Drunken Clam, get my

mind off all this.

BRIAN

I don’t know if that’s the right

thing to do, Peter. Have you

thought about confronting your

problem?

PETER

How?

BRIAN

Well, why don’t you go to an AA

meeting?

INT. AA MEETING ROOM

Peter enters, finds a seat among fellow AA goers.

INSTRUCTOR

My speaker didn’t show up tonight.

Is there anyone who would like to

speak?

A scuffle in the corner of room between JESUS and GOD.

Jesus grabs at a beer in God’s hands.

JESUS

Give it to me, Dad.

GOD

No.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

JESUS

Give it to me.

GOD

Not until you go up there and tell

them what you just told me.

JESUS

(sigh)

God damnit.

Jesus marches to the front of classroom.

JESUS

Uh, some of you probably know me as

Messiah.

CROWD

Hi, Messiah!

JESUS

And... some of you probably know me

as The Word.

CROWD

Hi, Word.

GUY IN CROWD

Don’t forget about Redeemer.

JESUS

My real name is Jesus.

CROWD

Hi, Jesus.

JESUS

And uh, I am not an alcoholic. OK,

I uh, actually received my one year

chip about a year ago.

(applause)

About a week after that, I left it

in the bottom of a shot glass, in a

bar across the street from a

theater where I watched the three

o’clock showing of "Brokeback

Mountain." See, I’m the Savior of

Mankind and I was there... that

day. I’ve seen some shit on the

job. But uh, that day I saw some

shit that I... never expected to

see. So I drank more than I usually

did and uh, anyways my dad...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

(points to God)

...told me about this. I started

going to these meetings and I gotta

be honest, I thought I would get

something out of it, like an

epiphany... Instead, what I got was

a bunch of whining assholes. You

people wanna bitch about somethin’,

try lookin’ at two dudes in a tent,

humpin’ each other on a 30 foot

screen...

(to Peter who looks disgusted)

...Hey, hey don’t look at me that

way. Tell you what, the next time

you’re stuck in a theater watching

a gay movie, you better pray

someone like me, someone with

balls, saves your ass. And if I do,

if I happen to save your ass, or

your ass, you know what I’m going

to do? I’m going to go home and

pour myself a nice tall glass of

Vodka.

(crowd speechless)

You guys got nothing for me? That’s

what I got for you. That’s my

little message. I’m going to spend

the rest of my time on this planet

drinking and liking it. My

suggestion to you, try doing the

same.

(as Jesus leaves)

Bottoms up, folks.

Awkward silence.

Peter jumps off his seat with one arm in the air.

PETER

Yeah!

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lois on the sofa reading a book. Peter strolls in.

LOIS

Hey, Sweetie. How was your AA

meeting?

We stay on Brian as Peter cruises into the kitchen.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

PETER

Good. I learned a lot of good

things.

LOIS

Like what?

Peter comes back with a beer.

BRIAN

You’re drinking?

PETER

Yup.

LOIS

Well that’s it, Peter. If you can’t

kick the habit, I’m moving in with

my parents...

Lois stampers off.

LOIS

...And I’m taking the children with

me.

EXT. SOFTBALL GAME - BLEACHERS - DAY

Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland in the bleachers. Peter strolls

in, depressed. He takes a seat.

CLEVELAND

Peter, I must say, you look like

you could use a cold one.

Cleveland grabs a beer from a cooler.

PETER

No thanks, Cleveland. Lois left me

because I’m a drunk.

JOE

I’m sorry to hear that, Peter.

Summer Nights music starts: da dada da daaaaa.

PETER

(sigh)

All this after such a great summer

at the beach.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

QUAGMIRE

Hey, I want to hear what

Peter did at the beach.

JOE/CLEVELAND

Yeah!

PETER

Eh, it was nothin’.

QUAGMIRE

C’mon Peter. You got in her

drawers, right?

CLEVELAND

Tell us about that girl.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. PEWTERSCHMIDT MANSION - DINING ROOM - DAY

Griffin family, minus Peter, at the dinner table with

Barbara and Carter Pewterschmidt. They will be referred to

as "The Ladies."

CARTER

So what did you do over summer,

Pumpkin?

LOIS

Oh, I spent most of it at the

beach, with Peter.

CARTER

Why waste your time at the beach

with Peter?

LOIS

He was really romantic.

Peter cornered by Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. They will be

referred to as "The Guys."

JOE

We want to hear.

QUAGMIRE

Give it to me.

CLEVELAND

Yeah, tell us.

PETER

C’mon, you don’t want to hear all

the horny details.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

They become ecstatic.

PETER

Alright, I’ll tell you.

(sings)

Summer lovin’ had me a blast.

LOIS

Summer lovin’ happened so fast.

PETER

I met a girl crazy for me.

LOIS

Met a boy cute as can be.

BOTH

Summer days driftin’ away, to uh,

oh those summer nights.

EVERYONE

Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh.

THE GUYS

Tell me more, tell me more.

CLEVELAND

Did you get very far?

THE LADIES


BARBARA

Like does he have a car?

EVERYONE

Uh-huh dodo uh-huh dodo uh-huh

uh-huh.

PETER

She swam by me, she got a cramp.

LOIS

He ran by me, got my suit damp.

PETER

I saved her life, she nearly

drowned.

LOIS

He showed off, splashing around.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

BOTH

Summer sun, something’s begun, but

uh-oh those summer nights.

EVERYONE

Uh well-a well-a well-a huh.

THE LADIES


CARTER

Was it love at first sight?

THE GUYS


JOE

Did she put up a fight?

EVERYONE

Uh-huh-dobeedo-huh-uh-dobeedo-uh-huh.

PETER

Took her bowling in the arcade.

LOIS

We went strolling, drank lemonade.

PETER

We made out under the dock.

LOIS

We stayed out ’till ten o’clock.

BOTH

Summer fling, don’t mean a thing,

but uh, oh those summer nights.

EVERYONE

Uh well-a well-a well-a huh.

THE GUYS


CLEVELAND

But you don’t gotta brag.

THE LADIES


(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

MEG

Cuz he sounds like a drag.

EVERYONE

Shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop,

shoo-bop bop,shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop

bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop,

Yeah.

LOIS

He got friendly, holding my hand.

PETER

While she got friendly down in the

sand.

LOIS

He was sweet, just turned

fourty-three.

PETER

Well she was good, you know what I

mean.

EVERYONE

Whoa!

BOTH

Summer heat, boy and girl meet, but

uh, oh those summer nights.

EVERYONE

Woo, woo, woo.

THE LADIES


CHRIS

How much dough did he spend?

THE GUYS


QUAGMIRE

Could she get me a friend?

LOIS

He got drunk, that’s where it ends.

PETER

Thank God, I still have friends.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

LOIS

I still think that he’s such a cow.

PETER

Wonder what she’s doing now?

BOTH

Summer dreams ripped at the seams,

but oh, those summer nights...

EVERYONE

Tell me more, tell me more!

Music stops.

PETER

Crap, I need to get Lois back.

INT./EXT. PEWTERSCHMIDT MANSION - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT

Lois in bed, crying. A FAINT ACOUSTIC GUITAR RIFF: Extreme -

More Than Words.

PETER

Saying ’I love you’ is not the

words I want to hear from you...

Lois peers out the window. Peter serenades with an acoustic

guitar.

PETER

...It’s not that I want you not to

say, but if you only knew how easy

it would be to show me how you

feel..

Lois wooed. She’s eating this up.

PETER

...More than words is all you have

to do to make it real. Then you

wouldn’t have to say that you love

me, cuz I’d already know.

Lois runs outside.

LOIS

Oh, Peter.

They embrace.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

PETER

Lois, I’m sorry--

LOIS

--Peter, I don’t want to hear an

apology. I want you to take me

home.

They promenade into darkness.

PETER

What about the kids?

LOIS

Eh, leave ’em here. Maybe, it’s OK

to be irresponsible with the

children every once in while.

PETER

Uh, OK.

FADE OUT.

THE END

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Family Guy Spec- To Beer or Not to Beer