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READERS LETTERS

STAR LETTER RECEIVED BY E-MAIL.

My unspecified prize for the weeks most stimulating letter goesto Miss Emma Royd of Webington, who writes...

Dear CharlieCan any of your readers suggest a quick solution to myirrational fear of spiders?

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I offered this missive to my (limited) readership in the hopethat it would stimulate some debate. I was delighted with the

response.

After much deliberation, I feel that the following two letters

offer the best solutions to Emmas problem. I publish themhere in the hope that they might also help other readers who

have similar phobias.

***

The following extract is from the letter sent by Jack Ittin. It is,I feel, a heart-rending account of how one man stumbled on a

neat solution to the problem after being let down by themedical profession.

For this, Jack also qualifies for an unspecified prize.

***

Jack writes...

My answer is, Attack!

... I had the same irrational fear of spiders as Emma Royd. So,after some very expensive consultations with my local shrink, I

came to the conclusion that the best defence againstmarauding spiders was attack!

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Being terrified of the beasts, I didnt want to tackle them atclose quarters. So I opted for a long-range strategy. Cunningly,I decided to overpower them from a distance by spraying them

with my wifes hairspray.

Then came the day of my first confrontation with a real lifespider. The beast suddenly appears before me while I amsitting in my armchair reading the latest copy of theWatchtower. I whip the canister from the holster that my wife

has crocheted with the wool rescued from grannys Cashmere.(The London to Swansea Express ruined the shawl when theold lady failed to make it across the line while taking a short

cut on her way home from Tesco.)

I take aim and give the spider a blast of spray. The beastpanics and gallops across the carpet, I follow with the gas. Allfear has gone. The killer instinct is in charge. Im invincible!

The swine runs across the space in front of the log fire. The gasignites. The can explodes. Theres a searing scald to my hand.

I drop the spray and flee to the kitchen where I ram my handunder the coldwater tap. Oh joy. Relief...

My wife, fresh from the bedroom to investigate the commotion,screams uncontrollably. I dash back to the living room. Theplace is a mass of flame and smoke. We flee to the garden andstand, helpless, watching from behind the wheelie bin as theblaze engulfs our home.

At some stage I see a spider scurrying along the path anddisappearing into the long grass of the lawn and wonder if...

My fear of spiders disappeared overnight but I now have an

irrational fear of women who wear hairspray and have divorcedmy wife. Can any reader offer advice on...

***

OK Jack. Well done. And thanks for that little peep into afascinating episode in your life.

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***

An unspecified prize also goes to

Ms Donna Givadam for her equally inspiring solution to thespider problem.

Charlie, my answer is, Courage!

Courage...? Oh yes... About spiders? The spiders letter. Thats

it, spiders. I can remember as clear as day, how I learnt thesecret of overcoming my fear of spiders. Oh yes.

Courage... thats what Im saying. It only takes a little bit ofcourage to overcome anyon... spiders. And do you know who

told me that? Well it was my granny told me that. And she wasa wise woman, my granny. Very wise. She used to drink methslaced with ethanol, which she bought off a bloke who worked in

the chemical works. And she wasnt scared of spiders... norwas the bloke from the chemical works.

Anyway... what was I saying... oh yes... ethanol... no...spiders. Well it takes courage doesnt it. And I get my couragefrom gin. Gins full of courage. I have a little tipple before I getout of bed in the morning. Then I have little tipples at regularintervals all through the day. And Im not afraid of spiders. Imlike my granny, I am. She was a wise woman, my granny. Sheused to drink meths laced with etha... Nope! Were not afraidof spiders... me and granny. Grannys not scared of anyone.

Shes dead.

Smatter of fact I keep spiders as pets. Ive got millions ofthem. Millions and millions and millions. Theyre all over the

floor... and walls... and windows... all different colours. Theworld is a big rainbow, made of spiders... Lovely spiders... And

elephants... all these different coloured elephants...

What was I saying? Oh yes... gin... gin takes away the fear of

granny... eh...? Wassat...?

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***

OK Donna. We get the gist.

So there are your answers folks. If you have an irrational fearof spiders just follow the advice given by our two unspecified

prizewinners, Donna and Jack.

***