feats.eufeats.eu/foh/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/featsskit2014.docx · Web viewFEATS 2014 – FUNKING IN THE FOREST. Co-written by Conrad TOFT (ECC) and Martin KIRK (ITG) with contributions

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FEATS 2014 – FUNKING IN THE FORESTCo-written by Conrad TOFT (ECC) and Martin KIRK (ITG)

with contributions from all cast, this is the script (largely) as performed from 4:30 pm to 5 pm on Monday 10 June 2014 at the FEATS fringe

Dramatis Personae

Slides - with some music and heckling stage right, the PowerPoint maestroConrad TOFT (ECC)

Cinematographer - unexpected (for skit) high quality photographs and video plus skit performance filmed by:

Daniel PLAPPERT (Entity)

Narrator - Someone who looks and sounds like Martin KIRK (ITG)

Dick a 200-year-old fossil of a man, remarkably preservedDaniel PLAPPERT (Entity)

Fall - a young, gothic prostituteSarah ZIENER (ACTS)

Kenneth (Ken) - a harassed out-of-work actorMartin JELONEK (ACTS)

The Adjudicator - no prizes for guessing who that was (Jan Palmer Sayer), the brave volunteers playing her were: Blair GAULTON (Entity) + blond wig (BATS)

Lord Muck Nigel HARVEY (Stockholm Players)

Count of Monte CarloJohn BRIGG (NWTC)

Euro Bogdan TABACARU (Entity)

Video head of deathRoxey LAU (Entity)

Monk RatingsBlair GAULTON (Entity)

Disciple Clare AUSTIN (Semi Circle)

Mary Susan AESCHBACH (Semi Circle)

ConJesus Blair GAULTON (Entity) + blond wig (BATS)

Dyne Bar Bogdan TABACARU (Entity)

Jeffrey Nigel HARVEY (Stockholm Players)

Kender Daniel PLAPPERT (Entity)

Victor Blair GAULTON (Entity)

Daphne Bogdan TABACARU (Entity)

Dobbs Daniel PLAPPERT (Entity)

Henry John BRIGG (NWTC)

Alice Sarah ZIENER (ACTS)

Orca the GoldfishNigel HARVEY (Stockholm Players)

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FEATS Skit 2014

SLIDE Muscial introductory montage starts with Luxembourg stock photo of cityscape with train, Fade into Kinneksbond photos by Daniel PLAPPERT (Entity) FEATS sign outside Kinneksbond fade to Kinneksbond exterior wall fade to Square outside theatre with trees fade to Fountains in square Fade to applause and FEAT Logo

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, techies and thesps, it is with great reluctance that we invite you to join us for the FEATS skit 2014. And this year, in a change from tradition, we will not be presenting you with an original script due to the sheer volume of them this year (six and a half). Instead we have delved into the archives of Luxembourg City museum and found this classic script written in electronic format only by a young, relatively unknown novelist, poet and playwright who lived in the city back in 1862, a young Frenchman by the name of Victor Hugo. Obviously, we've had to take a few liberties with the text to bring it up-to-date. Especially given that the original version was so bad that it was even rejected by Mills and Boon. We present for your delight and delectation: Les Miserably Sleep Deprived, or Love and Life in Luxembourg (or at least somewhere within 20km, GPS coordinates permitting).

SLIDE Les Miserables

SCENE ONE (= FRIDAY PLAY 1)Anglophone Collaborative Theatre of Stuttgart (ACTS); ‘Dance With Winter’

[Pinteresque - I.e. Painfully long pauses between each line]

NARRATOR: Our play begins in a spooky, old house, untouched by the years.

SLIDE front page of Ikea catalogue

NARRATOR: Well, close enough. [long pause] (aside) okay, you can start now!

DICK: (offstage) We're building the atmosphere and letting the audience admire the set. Besides we haven't heard the amazing off-stage sound effect yet.

Sound (from cast): footsteps, creaking, groaning, a door slamming, a cat being strangled.

DICK: Welcome to my humble abode. I haven't used this room since my wife passed out building our Billy shelving unit.

FALL Did she recover?

DICK: No, she's been in an MDF induced coma ever since. That's why I've paid you to come here and banish the "nothing noise".

FALL: Ah, yes, I lie back and do nothing, while you make a noise.

DICK: That's about it. We can probably skip the rest of the scene and go straight upstairs.

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FALL: Not so fast, Grampsie-O

Sound (from cast) Hawaii Five O theme tune plus bad canoe paddling

FALL: First I need to insult you a bit while we wait for my accomplice. So, should I call you Richard?

DICK: No, Dick's not my real name.

FALL: Really, What is it Grampsie-O?


Dick: It's a nickname from my army days, I don't want to talk about it.

FALL: Sounds interesting, I will move seductively whilst counting forwards to 53. I'm sure I can make it worth your while.... Upstairs.

DICK: Well, when I was a soldier in the War of the Roses, the other soldiers caught me in the barracks without my red pyjamas and...

FALL: Oh!

DICK: I really don't want to talk about it. And what about your name?

FALL: I've had four sets of foster parents and each gave me a different name. The first ones kept me outside in the snow, they called me Winter. I jumped out of a window to escape from them so the second lot called me Spring. When I went to the third set of parents, I realised that I'd better get an education, so I studied really hard at school. Especially maths. They called me...

DICK: Summer.

FALL: You're good at this, Grampsie-O.


FALL As for my fourth set of parents, well...

DICK: Let me guess, you started eating a lot of spinach in your iron-rich diet and so they called you...

FALL: Ore-Tum. Yes, but my friends call me Fall for short.

DICK: Well, I hope that I count as one of your friends...

FALL: Let's go upstairs and find out...

[Dick and Fall exit]

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Sound (from cast): bed creaking and major orgasm.

[Kenneth comes on stage and does strongman poses during the creaking. When it stops, he lights a cigar and gives a satisfied "arrrrr!"' Then walks offstage. Dick and Fall enter. Dick looks no different but Fall looks like she has been through a major struggle!

FALL: Wow!

DICK: Hmm... Not too bad, I suppose.

FALL: Oh, Grampsie-O!


Kenneth re-enters and knocks Dick on the head with a safety triangle.

FALL: Oh! Ah, well. Hello, darling!

[Kenneth pulls Dick offstage – get your mind out of the gutter]

Sound (from cast): body falling downstairs

Kenneth reappears with a box

FALL Look I’ve found the treasure box, with the float from the bar.

KEN: Yes, finally we'll be rich(ish). I saw him kneeling by the bed looking in this box, it's almost certainly filled with gold coins and not paper drinks tickets this year. Let's break it open.

FALL: Surely, it would be better to just take it with us.

KEN: No we can’t because it is unfeasibly small and too portable and also it would ruin the dramatic tension. Let's break it open, or we could just use this convenient key. What? Just pictures of.... Oh![They look at the pictures with growing shock]

KEN: Oh!

FALL: Oh. Is that even legal?

KEN: Well, I... Hmmm.... I think I'd better keep these.

Stuffs some pictures in his pocket.

SCENE TWO (= FRIDAY PLAY 2)Frankfurt English Speaking Theatre (FEST); ‘The Worker’’

NARRATOR: Our scene moves forward nine months, and all is not well in the Fall household.

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SLIDE: A different page of IKEA catalogue A HOME DOESN’T NEED TO BE BIG JUST SMART

Sound silly bird noises, quack, quack

Kenneth walks on stage; he keeps bringing more things on including a box full of stuff that I'll think of later.

KEN: Darling, I'm home. You can tell because of the pointless red spot appearing down stage left. Is dinner ready?

Fall appears, heavily pregnant.

FALL: You’re late. What’s all this stuff doing here?

KEN: I’ve got a job, a real acting job.

FALL: Why, Honey, that’s great. We won’t have to burglarise and murder any creepy old men any more.

KEN: Especially after considering what happened last time (pointing at her stomach).

FALL: I thought we had agreed not to talk about that, Grumpsie-O! So what’s the new job?

KEN: I’m playing the Scottish Lord in the Scottish play!

FALL: You mean Macbeth?

KEN: Arrgh! Don’t say it! It’s bad luck.

FALL: So why do you need all this stuff here?

KEN: Well, theatre is suffering a bit with the current economic crisis, so I’m having to do a couple of other things in the show…

FALL: Such as?

KEN: I’m also playing Lady Mac…The Scottish Woman.… and all the other characters… and I’m stage manager… and sound… and lighting… and publicity… and set construction… and theatre technician… and Madame Pis-Pis

FALL: So, it’s basically like a FEATS production?

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KEN: Exactly, except that the theatre is a little closer to home

FALL: Well it wouldn’t be harder to be closer to home than the Kinneksbond. This is the Ryanair airport of FEATS theatres, or Luxembourg West as we like to call it.

SLIDE KInneskbond theatre with Ryanair jet landing

KEN: In fact, the theatre is home, that’s why I’ve brought all these chairs because they don’t have chairs in Luxembourg.

SLIDE IKEA Home doesn’t need to be big just smart

FALL: No way, José! The Adjudicator insists we have wheeled chairs Anyway what about the baby!

KEN: I thought we had agreed not to talk about that!

FALL: Well, we have to at least some time. It’s due anytime n…. Ow!Fall goes into labour and a large cuddly soft toy ostrich is delivered from under her skirt/apron.

KEN: OMG! It’s a… (whatever it is)

FALL: Isn’t she beautiful?

KEN: She? It’s a stuffed animal for G’s S!

FALL: Don’t say that, she’s sensitive. Look, she can even put on a little puppet show for you.

KEN: Well, at least that should please the Adjudicator.

FALL: Baby says no more theatre in this household.

KEN: Well, “baby” can just F off! That’s it, I want a divorce.

SFX: Bell rings (sound effect)

FALL: Are we expecting someone?

KEN: OMG! What if it’s… the Adjudicator?

All cast (shocked): The Adjudicator?

KEN: Yes, with all the cuts in arts funding these days, they’re culling out-of-work actors!

FALL: But, you have a job now.

KEN: But is it enough? OMG, I hope they don’t throw me an “end-of-show” party!

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FALL: That doesn’t sound too bad.

KEN: No, end of show is really end of show.

SFX: Bell rings (sound effect)

FALL: Perhaps baby could answer it!

The Adjudicator bursts into the room.

Sound and FX (from cast) thunder and lightning

ADJUDICATOR: Where’s Kenny?

KEN: OMG! She’s come for me!

ADJUDICATOR: Scots, Irish or Welsh?

KEN: What?

ADJUDICATOR: Scots, Irish or Welsh?

KEN: I don’t understand what you mean!

ADJUDICATOR: (waves hands a lot randomly) It’s time for your final audition piece before your end-of-show party: You should push it a little more. Do you want to do a Scots, an Irish, or a Welsh accent?

KEN: I don’t know - I can’t do any of them.

ADJUDICATOR: Nor can most actors, but they still do. You have to choose: Scots, Irish or Welsh.

KEN: How should I know? I need some more time, to be sure!

ADJUDICATOR: Irish, it is then. Your final audition will take place this time tomorrow, unless you can come up with some funding before then. Muwahahahaha!

The Adjudicator leaves.

FALL: What are we going to do?

KEN: There’s nothing for it, you’ll have to visit your uncle, the evil financier in Luxembourg.

FALL: Not that! Anything but that!

KEN: I’m sorry, dear, there’s nothing else for it.

SCENE THREE (= FRIDAY PLAY 3)

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Tagora (Strasbourg); ‘The Virtue of Pretty Penny or, A Vile Murder Foil’d’’

NARRATOR: And so Fall sets off to visit Luxembourg, That town with end syllable no easy rhymeBecause the writer hadn’t the timeIn that fabled city of money and greed, where evil financiers our savings do bleed.And Tagora in grand costumes do pranceTo give the FEATS audience a chanceTo boo and hiss at baggy pantsAnd clever puns of high finance

SLIDE Huge dripping with gold place. Basically, rich. (Fancy Gold painted ceiling plus cha- ching cash register / money sound)

The two financiers, Lord Muck and Count of Monte Carlo and come and sit opposite each other at chairs.

MUCK: Eee eck, life in Luxembourg bucks the trendNo crisis ‘ere, and billions to spend.It’s reet grand wi’ all our dosh and loot,Wi’ “otel maids to chase an’ peasants to shoot!

COUNT: Well, yes, Lord Muck, you’ve got it right,The ECB has seen the light.Now there’s a negative interest rate,All that lovely money’ll end up on our plate.

MUCK: Question is, where to spend it allWell, stone the crows, it’s my poor niece, Fall.She is a low denomination minxA romantic plot-device, she Is me-thinks

FALL (Penny) I shall just balance this book on my headPrettily til it falls off, the director saidBut who is that currency so dripWearing loud clothes not hip

EURO I am dressed in Euro gold and spewWith shiny buckles and sniffs too few

FALL I need funding quick, so you Euro no useI want the treasury with a golden gooseWho can give me the cash for our mis en sceneAnd cover the fees for Jan’s views to pen

COUNT If money’s your plan for urgent need I can give you the readies if you pleadTo the devil himself your vote must sell

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So UKIP can hear the Euro-division bellTheir minister of unilateral disengagementHerr Farrage de Nigel from hell is sent

FALL: Right. Errmm… My dear Kenneth’s life is at stakeIf I can’t fund his theatre, his life they’ll take.

MUCK: All the better for you, with that yob dead, I’m sure we can find you some man to wed.

COUNT: Yes, I put myself forward for that, Lord Muck,I’d love to give this girl a marriage proposal..

Double take

FALL: But Kennie’s my sweetheart, my one true love.I can’t let him die, Heaven’s above.

MUCK: Heaven’s above, but Hell’s below,And listen up chuck, that’s the place we know.

COUNT: Well if you won’t take us up on our generous offer,Then, screw you, dear, no funds we’ll proffer.

MUCK: Arts funding is far from our heartsYou’re better off trying the Ministry of for Farts

SLIDE applause fade to FEATS LOGO that changes colour

Friday Interlude: adjudicator

ADJUDICATOR Thanks , those yellow jackets don’t come cheap. I just need more push, bigger slap and a well presented old man. Well that was a nightmarish exploration of the underbelly of modern existence, but enough about Deborah’s driving. I just felt in her overtaking she should go for more, really push it still further I though Steve’s car could have been a smashing filler for a Friday sandwich between bend and lorry. Still must dash, Deborah has to give Fall a lift to the Ministry of This Is The Next Scene

SCENE FOUR (= SATURDAY PLAY 4)Entity Theatre (Munich); ‘The Ribbon’

SLIDE Ministry of Silly Walks FArtsFade to VIDEO of silly Latin‘Cucurri de subligacula’ fades into correct translation ‘I ran out of underpants’

FALL (looks at Latin Slide admiringly) Ken those Romans are very wise, I always wanted to learn Latin.

VIDEO more silly Latin:

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‘In ludo odio adjudictor’ fades into toned down translation ‘The Adjudicator is being rather critical’ (Correct translation would be ‘The adjucator hates your play’)

FALL (looking at second Slide) Stupid language I hate Latin, what have the Romans ever done for us

KEN Well Monty Python jokes?

VIDEO Roxy’s head politely explaining the death penalty for mobile phone use

Mobile phone goes off (cast) Narrator is murdered and dragged off stage

KEN What did the announcement say, I’ve gone deaf. Let’s ask these dumb mime characters in unflattering black leotards. Perhaps they can help us with a misleading mime.

FALL I’m not sure I better turn on my i-phone to access the subtitle features. I need to complete these UKIP forms, to confirm I’m dressed properly to be allowed to entry the UKIP ministry of unilateral disengagement from reality to apply for arts funding (Romanians need not apply).

A lone figure “Ratings” sits in a chair with head bowed counting backwards

MONK RATINGS Five and twenty jokes a plenty, five one nine, give me a sign five eighteen, what’s height is the bloody screen, Hawaii 5-0. Beverly Hills 90210.

FALL He’s a mad monk in a cloak in a meaningless grouping, counting down to Saturday night being bingo and raffle night.

KEN No, although your FEATS party ticket appeared to have a raffle number attached, this was in fact to indicate the number of different ways you would get lost on the way to the venue.

SLIDE Scout hut labelled in Blood ”FEATS FUNK IN THE FOREST’’

FALL Or for the wolves to raffle off your bones as you trudged through the woods on the way to FEATS Funk in the Forest.

KEN Well Yes I heard the wolf eyes as obviously with no street lights seeing them was out of the question. But luckily I could defend myself with the blade of boredom.

FALL Don’t lead the skit audience down the garden path, except to the party venue obviously when you lead them up the wrong path, this was a plot diversion.

MONK RATINGS Excuse me do you mind I am trying to count here and the bloody adjudicator expects me to lip sync as well as remember my cues. Five and twenty jokes a plenty, five one nine, give me a sign five eighteen, what’s height is the bloody screen, Hawaii 5-0. Beverly Hills 90210.

KEN Didn’t he just repeat the same set of numbers on the same night.

FALL Yes but don’t worry he is used to it, as he works for the box office.

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KEN I’m hungry let’s grab our dim birthday present of cash and something to eat before the next scene.

FALL But not at the Kinnesbond bar after 6 o'clock or in the morning when people are here obviously.

KEN So this will be our last supper

SLIDE SUBWAY / Burger Joint

SCENE FIVE ( = SATURDAY PLAY 2)British American Theatrical Society (BATS, Antwerp); ‘The Last Supper’

NARRATOR This is a brief announcement to announce that there will be an announcement. For those wanting to take the bus home, why? You can’t: the bus driver’s gone home to wash his Porsche. SLIDE LAST SUPPER (as Leonardo da Vinci painting with Daleks)

DISCIPLE We worship you O Eurovis, Euro pop to sound over us all.

MARY Con Jesus is not the messiah he is just a very naughty boy sorry girl, or was the boy, no girl.

DISCIPLE Only a true diva phoenix can get both Ukraine and Russia to vote for them.

NARRATOR (hopefully) did someone say Seagull

ALL No!

SLIDE Conchita Wurst (2014 Eurovision song contest winner) in bath of red rose petals

MARY sings a few bars of the Eurovision 2014 winning song ‘Rise Like a Phoenix’)

CONJESUS Thank you FEATS you have proved yourself to be a true haven of tolerance

DISCIPLE Well with that script we would have to be really tolerant.

SLIDE LAST SUPPER (as Leonardo da Vinci painting with Daleks)

NARRATOR The stage direction states. ‘’Various bizarre and irrelevant Cabernet acts take place’’. Points to cast who (remarkably) followed those directions!

Sound effect Silly trumpet blast

NARRATOR OK we have got the nonsensical blast for me (pause for audience to get joke) out of the way now we can get on with the next scene, though we have to wait five months from June until a night in November , so just talk amongst yourselves

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SLIDE Calendars counting up from June to NovFade to SLIDE of Falls Road, Belfast, Northern Ireland

SCENE SIX ( = SATURDAY PLAY 3)The Irish Theatre Group, (ITG, Brussels); ‘Night in November’

KEN I am speaking in tongues: I am possessed suddenly with split personalities a bit like the FEATS committee.

FALL I’ll just switch my iPhone to translate Irish brogue to something more easy to understand, Albanian perhaps.

KEN I’m a Belfast wannabe you know, we can only afford the one chair but the several names. But I am stuck waiting on this chair and the crew have gone to the pub.

KEN speaks with a random splurge of Irish and then kicks a chair over.

SLIDE FEATS Logo more fuzzy effects, with applause

Saturday Interlude: adjudicator

ADJUDICATOR I want more Harrison Ford eye candy perhaps as a surreptitious birthday present. But don’t lead the Adjudicator up the wrong path as my high heels don’t like grass. But I want more titters from this skit, though it is difficult to get the laughs given the material

SCENE SEVEN (= SUNDAY PLAY 1)Lucerne World Theatre Company (LWTC); ‘It’s On You John’

SLIDE Unimpressive plane (Beechcraft) in hanger with Ryanair jet landing next to it

DYNE BAR We paid for a proper play with a silver set, silver lighting and silver haired actors speaking silver tongued RP and all we got was a replacement from Northern Ireland.

JEFFREY At least I think so as we can’t understand a word he says, perhaps he was from Norway.

DYNE BAR No, I nobbled them already.

KENDER Well it wasn’t me, I was too busy fixing my hair.

JEFFREY And it wasn’t me as I was lugging a petrol can onto stage for no discernable reason

DYNE BAR And it wasn’t me as I was unpacking a picnic hamper to pad out the time.

SLIDE Very complex logic diagram

DYNE BAR Well you see by the power of theatre logic (or black and white balls as we like to call it) we can deduce that logically some of the audience have lost the will to live.

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KENDER Well, clearly we can see from the diagram that both of you were talking a load of balls. No one had the white answer, so we’re black to the result that logic dictates that it is Dyne Bar that is to blame for world-wide tooth decay. He should now drag himself off to be murdered by my miniature guard and inappropriately dressed chauffeur.

JEFFREY Yes it must be you, Dyne Bar, as such poor whistling on stage cannot go unpunished - it was out of tune. I guess that is the cue for the next scene

SCENE EIGHT ( = SUNDAY PLAY 2)Anglo American Theatre Group (AATG, the Hague, pretending to be from Norway);’Out of Tune’

SLIDE Posh flat

VICTOR Well Darling

DAPHNE (in outrageously bad French accent throughout) Yes Darling

VICTOR Herr Farrage would certainly approve as we are correctly dressed up for the theatre,

DAPHNE With proper English accents,

VICTOR But Darling

DAPHNE Yes Darling

KEN There was a young actor from FEATSNot wanting some trophy defeatsA vehicle was chosenMuch better than FrozenFor all his best actor repeats.

VICTOR It’s our actor, he is broken I just get this Irish craic and interference from lots of strange vowels and obscure cultural references.

DAPHNE Well Darling

VICTOR Yes Darling

DOBBS Yes Darling

DAPHNE We must call in some lower class theatre techie to fix him.DOBBS (when he remembers his cue and isn’t taking photos) Fix him

SLIDE Photo by Daniel Plappert of (Skit) Techies in theatre cafe Monday morning from L to R: Martin Kirk (ITG), unknown person interested in blinds, Conrad Toft (ECC), Louise Nugent (ECC), Nigel Harvey (Stockholm Players)

KEN There were several old techies called Fred

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Who always wore black, never red.They all shunned the lightWere seen only at nightLike vampires, the sun makes them dead.

SLIDE Posh flat

VICTOR And remove the animal infestation in the skitDOBBS in the Skit

DAPHNE Stop repeating everything we say

DOBBS I say, sorry I am an echo from last year’s FEATS and anyway the jokes are repeat each year. I’ll just slide along this carpet to fix your actor

Ken lies on floor, Dobbs fixes him amusingly

KEN This actor is now being fixedHis insides are all being mixedThey take out his heartAnd put in a partAll his public will sit there transfixed.

DOBBS I just needed to improve the rhyming and stage whistling.

FALL Ken you are fixed

KEN (with posh accent) Yes Darling

SCENE NINE ( = SUNDAY PLAY 3)Semi-Circle (Basel); ‘The Extraordinary Revelations of Orca the Goldfish’

SLIDE Goldfish and bubbles

NARRATOR Ken is now fixed and fully funded he can afford to buy the rest of his set from Ikea like the other groups. But meanwhile Fall’s fantasy has moved to the exotic she has fallen in love with another actor and so goes undercover as a Goldfish in a nice frock. Due to a shortage of female actresses in this year’s FEATS they had to import one from New Zealand.

HENRY My name is Henry and I am a figment of a fishy fantasy. I have made the ultimate male sacrifice missing the world cup build-up to be at FEATS. Still I know interesting facts about Jan’s husband’s paisley shorts. Madame how would you like my accent today?

ALICE I fantasise that I’m a member of the Eastenders cast. I will have to use my Wonderbra of power. It is solar powered and is currently connected to the lighting rig and Sony dishwasher.

HENRY But the sexy power was too much and it blew all the fuses so we had to eat our fish pasta in a blackout and were forced to change our mobile provider from Orange to banana,

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VIDEO Shower of crisps

Orca tries to eat crisps amusingly

SLIDE Goldfish and bubbles

ORCA I only have one line and whilst I do like a streaky bacon crisp shower, I am not sure about those suspiciously shaped bubbles, are they mine?

ALICE Yes. Not very round, more of a semi-circle.

SLIDE Applause and FEATS logo with migraine inducing silly transitions

Sunday Interlude: adjudicatorADJUDICATOR Well that was a confusing little piece, I didn’t get the black and white circles on my back, but then the red herrings would have clashed with my floral dress. Not all the dresses this FEATS have had such a satisfactory structure. Zoom, zoom. Not asking for people to zoom around. I like my comic pace like my lettuce: crisp. But deckchairs are ripe for plundering. The first half was better than the last quarter which was better than the third in between and my grasp of fractions.

NARRATOR Due to a lack of time machine, we are unable to justice to tonight’s performances. I therefore present our main characters for a résumé.

SCENE TEN (= MONDAY PLAY 1)Anglo American Theatre Group (AATG, the Hague); ‘La Franco’

FALL Disillusioned by misshapen bubbles and being unable to buy a FEATS T-shirt this year, Fall is reunited with Posh Ken, who invites her to a Masked venetian ball SLIDE Venetian blind (pause) I said ballSLIDE Venetian ball

at La Franco with some god awful poetry. Where they dance romantically in period costume. Unfortunately Posh Ken discovers the 16th Century Venice is Catholic and is he won’t get to join the golf club as that game hasn’t been invented yet. Broken hearted he sneaks off to watch the world cup but the bus is cancelled and he drowns trying to walk back to his hotel.

SCENE ELEVEN (= MONDAY PLAY 2)New English American Theatre (NEAT, Stuttgart); ‘Death’

KEN Overcome by grief and fleeing the period costumes, Fall exits pursued by a teddy bear SLIDE Very scary teddy bear

where she is overcome by excess of cuteness, resulting in Death. SLIDE Mini skull

But a doctor was on hand so that is neat.

SCENE TWELVE (= MONDAY PLAY 3)Hamburg Players; ‘Amateurs’

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DICK In the after FEATS life, Fall meets up with pre-posh Ken who decides to elope to Hamburg to train for Olympic FEATS of amateur acting. SLIDE Five hamburgers arranged as Olympic rings logo

But it is too dark and sad so they give UKIP their money back and decide to raise stage animals instead.

SLIDE Animal sanctuaryCast have crazy Animal fun

SLIDE Sunset / The end

NARRATOR And so we reach the final line, The skit is over, let the sun shine we’re out of time!

SLIDE Credits for all those involved

THE END (Thankfully)

© FEATS community 2014

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Documents

feats.eufeats.eu/foh/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/featsskit2014.docx · Web viewFEATS 2014 – FUNKING IN THE FOREST. Co-written by Conrad TOFT (ECC) and Martin KIRK (ITG) with contributions