1sEP . O . B o x 2 2 I L 3

February, L992

s . F . c A 9 4 L 2 2

Happy LeaP Year!

Hey, keyboard punchers, hope yourre wearing rubbergl-oves fnen you- grau that floppy because it may have

5e"r, doused-wit6 Michelangelo 's v i rus, the latest;;;[y aui" disease aimed at annihirating.your l?tddisk. what? You havenrt heard about this innovativemicro megabyte demolition? Better put a condom overy""i rnoa6n 6ecause come March 6 a nation of computer'""ia"-.i"

going to get a big surprise^ as RAMs andROMS go foriferJ under the influence of a massivelydisseriinated ai=f offensive. Whors downloading thisDemon Seed algorithm onto your seagate@ 40? Itrs not

some campus hacker iL's a tie'naisfr righ! fultn cabal of enter-media

moguls intent on control l ing-tne. n_ationts netw5rk of Cetecommunication l ines

foi purposes of extort ion and rnind control 'i ' -=it" iding the fear of contaninated circuitry, these nefarious schemers are

using the dread of data destruction as a ratioiale for bleaching the nationrs

phone Lines "rra instal l ing an enter-media phone police' Say bye bye to old

fashioned concepts of censorship and reguiation^.- This band of reactionary

technocrats wirr soon contror the passagL of information under the ' thealth

and safetyrr guise of defenders of €ne communication highways'

The computer virus mania is the culrnination of a plan that conmenced with the

divestiture of AT&T@ and was fueled by the gradual addict ion of conm-crazy

conned-sumers incited by cordless phones, anJwering rnachines, modems, faxes,

9OO numbers, voice naii and a noJt of unnecessary bogu.s services aimed at

purnping information throuqh y""i coaxial cable. Bt turning phone users into

data dependeni-;; ; ;"- j""rI"r, ""t"r-media power brokers enslaved a nation -

and then threat6ned the addicted masses with a plague of telephone blackouts,

power surges, computer viruses and security breakdowns.-u;e;; in"-grri=" "i keeping our phone rines- free frorn poisonous source codes

and rogue tecnno-nerasl t f is ca6a1 of schemers wil l soon force us to swallow

;-A;k- ; i teg is la t ion establ ish ing te lecommunicat ion secur i ty systems ( i 'e ' '

communication checkpoints and data control lers) and teleconm purging (i .e',

in"-"r""nsing of ou-r phone l ines by destroying 4ny_uncert i f ied data')

The result - technocrats will control our phone lines the way government

controls our highways, regulating conmerce, charging toIls, abating nuisances

and detaining-;;t-i"i- rii"n apipears to chalre-nge tne status quo. The biq

compnt"r vir is stare of Lgg2 i; nothing more_than^a smokescreen for data

diddlers and telephone abusers to trad6 freedom of communication for therhealth and safetlit, of the ptrone lines. The only way to end this tyranny is

for conned-sumers to r ise ui, throw off their receivers and . Hey' can

you hold on a second? I rve got another cal l wait ingo 1992 a&r

d/vic

llru f11, '"'

f6;! ly' ̂ t,,,t,[ 1 ,, ll-i*l;+* I\2,"Jr;:,'fi;" \fli..,r,;L'

r;U:"'?ov' € D,i"oo**$a- .

Don Ciccone t:*r t,s wndshield t

W/ t:-:o''t..5.fli'r jr;r'ii!|:"*B.It.satr�avel'*o.lI$lf..F-l*{.'.''-}l$fx;'ffi,;ff5,tfii.',.lll//and a blow dryerlYou'll never again have toattend a breakfast meetinf

- =

rour clothes or iust got outrI the shower! This cleverlllesigned unit is a travel

-

f ,T ol:yp"., f f \ l ra,& W goodorhiG36,r: :

:J;lhT#' f A,d,R'*'ff#ffiffi!:*' 6c'ati ;;tu bes'td"s*r Iace'rwlr'

onchu z5+te-\ dc this,l lt

i:il'ffi',,q^"!3tW lffi

''lorX'i#; ^')t u*i /fftii,#,Lif,th'i:'fr

'^lT'l su(e loltr .rnda,a ho't,a priurtit relebrchiri t(6f,

,zpotice were *;*-$;[ I $:tSItr l!-bJnd,r ,; n]flg,::ttff*neighborhood on a nneignborbodonarepor tof l

__--1. =! I . r t .d__ | r^ r | ,wrrv ' ' - - - , * i6 'u , s l r . * I ,

iJ il,H#iir*;f*T | ;ffiA:*tioo-ffit**;ir ti*-rr*,':t"" rlrou"o'l sumcaine out of the back of an^L ..-ae; *-^- ,, ,t- ^ ...

*t IJ^, pla,1"d l*e +-tl'*fpgUt' r'E Yr or *""t;;:;

!;frffitl"Add qrace,' lfir. Gotti replted. . Jgn l rfr|,

I"d,'ls '9*t;.;-,; A J o u f n

T€abJfln4 adMl- Bd .hp.on

- -= ; - - - , [ ] , = 1 ;_ - , -

J J .^ . - -o n lnde - E^your clothes or iust got ouoI the shower! This cleverlydesigned unit is a travel

0at rn o0llu tfui. Plus drg l ! J - - v w v " ' ' t v 3

I urorP, nvi'tc'lnvndlrclrrt d,ti

uru'l'n,ffip*.-Ui iff{4h#-u{ffi

* * * *

ffi:r*1*'9s9"

RoCk Dtecrms:

I ' < ) J . . --J tm mu D(o$5I

h drgameo 5^a_ 34w. .J lmm\ | n ' l4 l D Iou5TD P\2nt7r5 q uur t ) rv ( : -

wo^.f, douun Ifu g+r€et u,iid h rvro*or bike. Jfu b'ile w45 brcnrng up+ {'he lira 0n +I\e car were 5rnovang.llue wL, a lot of norse *

? :ld ..?eo* lord Jrpn*y ." Jo, ,y'*r[,^q this ca,r Mr.] * Jlmmlrtd {-^ sonopv hndt le$* '* 'm -6,c_ ut Ais house + it^a+ no

1

[f^,i't'-d ,{ b.'\':3,11;*, ^* la-",ar'Fd 'rua o{'/-i" .+",--,t. 1nJ.,^*l ?-H A + ed:t " r+''A J r s|i z ir,;;: ..';i;-u" J.

fl* beor-h ! " t1*n A woLe v? .

-

i-b

e"ja corPus gtf

$;tq

r-{htr

.Fl

trIEb0

.r{!

€tr

.F{

D-b0Ho@

N

q)

h0tr'd

F{

hFi

.Fl

trIg$!

6tr

.F{

l-h0HoQ

N

,l

III

tiI

I

II| 'Angel Comus Christi is maybe the most brilliant female

poplrock anist in America at ihis time. iusr because she hast ih6 guts and brains to break free so sirirplv and completelv.I It's sbmerhing you just have ro hear." SOt/wpS Od'gO'

"Angel Corpus Christi is maybe the most brilliant femdepoplrock anist in America at'this time, just because she hasihi zuts and brains to break free so simplv and comoletelv.It's something you just have to hear." SOUIVDS Od'gO'

Z.song ?.inch big.hole vinyl single

P.O. Box 22113 Ssn Frsnclsco CA 94122

m'THAT rNrlrct $ NoI ' 'rhelf?it release 0n \irgin shvtt bu+:l.J

th'^f whir,h t5 -ry I+'e \tq hella notstl + rx ittig$ u^sho,rld \a* leait ou\o 3W And l\,.{iind a{ orcies-1rd..., iv^ A ean lrtiiee }td |?utfrn

'€qeg Londvttlnq these eon45 + lvrnry trp fl*

,la6/- ! fu o/,k(s'+ bass sone-fl,ars plat /,itis -l"qe+hnie lhe, r r ibots r " loud *) ros l "1 / 0n '6d ' rh tn4J ' " , * heara b laLg',1 wailn4 + stignl;l'0ni, lih +1' fvrq*in-,u, + JoUyl 6oy'si,nn,i,g ,s

'5TtrL "nf€ 6es{'t/ wor/d. br#rr thai (ve/ A'hos'

nevo( lwert uP on Jrh^ 4d* r ,rrJt w'dll ( -fhan*

whb ,fi,r, {^t' advan: + ,,ry frp, ,,T w/64/'r ttr I Yovca*t'+ bl an* I"rn Ll e\1g ilt',fnq /| | )

- t J

R-GO TO HEALTHAimed at prooidios information and advieedesigned to mnintain and enhanee theqgntality of your health

left it in the swimsuit mini dryer near the shower. R went to the club'sIost & Found Department, a large carton behind the check-in desk. Rcouldn't find his Speedo but he saw some fashionable unclaimedworkout clothes including a pair of Mossimo shorts and a Srassy baseballhat. R reahzed that all of the items in the I-ost & Found had been putthrough the club's laundry. As an experiment, R left his socks, shortsand Hard Luck Cafe t-shirt in an open locker. The next day, he went tothe lost & Found and recovered his clean shorts and t-shirt. But therewere many white socls and R could not positively identiff his pair.HEAL'TII TIP: If you'r€ going b use the club's Lost & Found to cleanyour gym clotres, nab sure you sew your ntme in your socls.

I}IN{IMIZING THE CLAB'S LOST & FOT]I{DR was in a bad mood at the club because his gym clothes were smellyand he lost his black Speedo for the second time this year. R must have

t&RWTTl{

? .O l

- ^e lA ,? t

lfrlt,-7,- '

REPORT

He Iflonders About Breath

Dear A&R: I would rather die than have badbreath. If I think I have a problem, I keep mymouth closed and breath only through my nose.But now I wonder, does your breath smell whenit comes through your nose? It seems like it'sthe same air so it would smell as bad. I'm tooshy to ask someone. When I'm out in public Iget dizzy because I don't inhale and exhaleproperly. What's wrong with me? Hocks Bent-ley, Strawberry Falls, N.D.

Dear Hocks: There's nothing wrong with you.Many people are concerned about the effects ofrotten respiration. However, scientists havedetermined that the pungency of the odor isreduced materially as a result of exhalingthrough your nose. In order to guarantee zeropotency, you may want to pack your nasalcavities with mint flavored filters. Remember,it's better to maximize the prevention methodsthan risk the debilitating emotional strain ofwatching friends and loved ones fighting to getout of your breathing range.

She Sees Car Auras

Dear A&R: Some people can see auras aroundpeople. I can see auras around cars. It started aweek ago. I saw the aura around my Volvo.Later, I saw the aura around my boyfriend'sChevy Malibu. Now, I see them all over. Eachcar has a distinct vibration and special colors. Iunderstand cars much better now and I under-stand why there are so many car accidents. Theauras of the cars have an effect. My boyfriendsays I'm sick. What's wrong with me? CeceliaWillis, Sanda, WA.

Dear Cecilia: There's nothing wrong with you.Reports of auto-auras have existed since theinvention of the Model T. Carsonna.r are be-lieved to be one of the factors in the frequencyof auto mishaps. [f you are gifted with theability to perceive these frequencies, you mayqualify for a career in traffic regulation or lawenforcement. Best wishes.

He Dreams He's Awake

Dear A&R: I am plagued with insomnia. Buteven when I do manage to sleep, I have a recur-ring dream - that I'm awake. This leaves mevery confused, especially, when I wal<c from thedream. It seems, sometimes, like it doesn'tmatter if I'm asleep or awake. What's wrongwith me? C.D. Washington, Washington, D.C.

Dear C.D.: There's nothing wrong with you.Instead of sleep, you are experiencing super-consciousness, an ultra transcendent state oftenbrought on by the heightened stress of modernlife. Rather than try and sleep, may we suggestyou take up a trade such as computer program-ming or deposition transcribing.

She Hates Long Greetings

Dear A&R: Lately, whenever I call a business,the receptionist won't shut up. Yesterday I calledthe gas company and the woman answering thephone said, "Good afternoon. You've reachedPG&E. This is Michelle in Reception. How mayI help you today?" Couldn't she have just said'PG&E.' Try calling any business and you'llsee what I mean. It drives me qazy. What'swrong with me? Maleska U. Geene, Summer-hummin, Colorado.

Dear Maleska: There's nothing wrong withyou. Many phone callers are disturbed by theunnecessary waste of verbiage propounded by afalsely friendly business environment. Businessesbelieve that callers will be worn down by theseinterminable. mandated utterances. In order toavoid such insincere geniality, you may want totry using a warning transmitter - a small devicewhich emits a piercing tone once the phone iaanswered. This will cause temporary confusionand allow you to bypass the opening statement.Another method is to ask the receptionist torepeat everything (i.e., "What was your name,again'! Where have I called? Is it the morningor afternoon?") This approach reverses the effectand wears down the receptionist rather than thecaller. Good luck.