There's a reason why newspapers exist, and it's far beyond the fact that they give you some-thing to do in the middle of class. Newspapers, if they're doing their job, provide truth and information about the world around us. In many parts of the world, this truth and informa-tion is controlled by the government. The First Amendment allows the Loyolan to print news without censorship and print opinions even when they are unfavorable. The freedom to speak without censorship about ideas and events all stems from the right that Americans enjoy; because the Constitution allows us this right, people such as Karl Rove, Seth MacFarlane and Bill Maher, all of whom have spoken at past "First Amendment Week" events, are allowed to openly and freely voice their opinions. Because of the First Amendment, The Onion news organization is able to poke fun at the president of the United States without punishment. In order to celebrate that freedom, the Loyolan has hosted a series of events for one week in each of the last 10 years. This year, Editor in Chief Joe Randazzo and Sta� Writer Dan Mirk from The Onion news organization will speak on Feb. 7 at 6 p.m. in Burns Back Court about the freedom to publish stories that, without the freedom of speech, might cease to exist.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people to peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

President David W. Burcham

Dr. Linda McMurdock, Dean of StudentsFrancesca Piumetti, Associate Dean of Students

Conference and Events Service (Mark Johnston and Gary Bolton)Campus Recreation (Abel de Loera and Trey Duval)Mane Entertainment (Josie Ahlquist)Facilities Management (Al Tipon)Fresh Brothers PizzaLaser Squad Bravo

would like to thank:

AboutFirstAmendment

WeekThe First Amendment:

Loyolan Staff Contributors To This Issue:

Dol-Anne Asiru, Melanie Bolanos, Angelica Cadi-ente, Joseph Demes, Kasey Eggert, Tierney Finster, Michael Goldsholl, Alberto Gonzalez, Adrien Jarvis, Margo Jasukaitis, Casey Kidwell, Kenzie O’Keefe, Kevin O’Keeffe, Zaneta Pereira, Laura Riparbelli, Jackson Turcotte, John Wilkinson and Ian Zell.2

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Particularly pungent, casually tear inducing and, yet, still favored by many, The Onion news organization shares many similarities with the vegetable from which comes its name. Sta�ers from The Onion, which refers to itself as “America’s �nest news source,” are the keynote speakers for this year’s First Amendment Week.

The Onion has a big satirical mouth that tends to be full of lies, making the humorous and self-proclaimed “omnipo-tent” news outlet the subject of much free speech contro-versy. The Bush administration attempted to ban The Onion from using the presidential seal in 2005, and it was subject to criticism earlier this year for the headline, “Con-gress takes group of school children hostage.”

The comedy news outlet began as a student-targeted satirical publication at the University of Wisconsin-Madison in 1988. Eventually, The Onion expanded its print publica-tion and launched theonion.com in 1996. Today, The Onion reaches more than 2 million readers in print and 10 million online each month. Many others tune into the “Onion News Network” series, both online and on the Independent Film Channel (IFC), which features the perfectly perky “Today Now!” morning show.

The Onion will be serving up its signature blend of shock-ing and outrageous humor for the LMU community on Feb. 7 at 6 p.m. in Burns Back Court. Onion Editor in Chief Joe Randazzo and Sta� Writer Dan Mirk will be delivering the presentation and Mirk promises all of you “a laugh a minute.” If you miss this one, the joke’s surely on you.

- Tierney Finster, News Editor

First Amendment Week 2012 Keynote:

Editor in Chief Joe Randazzo

Sta� Writer Dan MirkThe Onion

The Onion

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Bobblehead Giveaway

Open Mic Night

Food for Freedom

Attend the men’s basketball game Thursday, Feb. 2 and you can walk away with a limited edition 2012 Loyolan bobblehead.

Hold on to it for a couple of years and undoubtedly, the unique subject matter and impeccable workmanship will ensure that you can revel in the sweet rush of memories that a fantastic night and epic victory for the Lions will undoubtedly conjure up for you many years down the line.

Gersten Pavilion, 7:30 p.m., free limited edition bobbleheads and a basketball game against the-school-who-shall-not-be-named-from-Malibu – why on earth wouldn’t you be there?

The members of Laser Squad Bravo, LMU’s incredible improv collec-tive, will be out to show all of you what a Convo without the First Amendment is like. Sign away your rights for a Fresh Brother’s lunch and see how long you can stomach the mayhem. Check it out on Tuesday, Feb. 7 at Sunken Garden during Convo hour.

British journalist Allan Jenkins once said, “Censorship in any form is the enemy of creativity, since it cuts o� the life blood of creativity: ideas.”

Privileged as we are to have our freedom of speech upheld by law, it is all too easy to forget the fact this is not a privilege everyone in the world shares.

Take advantage of your position to say what you want and come out to the First Amendment Week edition of Open Mic night, co-sponsored by Mane Entertainment and the Loyolan. Go ahead: Complain about some-thing, rave about someone, try a haiku, do some improv or just surprise us. We like surprises!

Take advantage of your freedom of speech and let the creativity �ow, unhindered by censorship.

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When asked to name the freedomsof the First Amendment

FirstAmendmentFactsWeek

62%of Americans could namethe freedom of speech,

followed by 19% who could say the freedom of religion,17% mention the freedom of press, 14% say the right to assemble and 3% named the right to petition.

of Americans could not list any of the rights guaranteed by the First Amendment.30%

In 1997, the First Amendment Center conducted a national survey that asked Americans whether they agreed or disagreed with the statement: Students should be allowed to report on controversial issues in student newspapers without the approval of school authorities. Originally, 45 percent of Ameri-cans agreed while 52 percent of Americans disagreed with this statement. Over the years, Americans have come to agree more with this statement and this year, the majority (51 percent) agree that students should be allowed to report without permission while 45 percent disagree with the statement.

This year, a new question was introduced to the study, inquiring as to which sources of news Americans trust the most. Forty percent of responders trust television, followed by 21 percent who chose newspapers. Sixteen percent of people trust online news sites the most, while 12 percent stated they trust the radio, and 9 percent said they do not trust any source of news.

There has been a small change in the percentage of Americans who think broadcasters and others should be allowed to televise the proceedings of the United States Supreme Court since the question was introduced in 1997. Seventy-eight percent now agree, and this is the highest it has been over the years. The percent who disagree is the second lowest it has been at 19 percent.

Since 1997, Americans have increasingly agreed that musicians should be allowed to sing potentially o�ensive songs. In 1997, 51 percent agreed and 47 percent disagreed with allowing musicians to sing o�ensive lyrics; today 67 percent agree and 30 percent disagree.

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All Facts from the First Amendment Center

LOYOLANLos AngeLes

Your Home. Your Voice. Your Newspaper. www.laloyolan.comLoyola Marymount University

SPEECH RELIGION ASSEMBLY PRESS

FRI SAT SUN MON

ESTABLISHED 1921

February 6, 2012Volume 90, Bluff Issue

SPECIAL BLUFF EDITION:

The following four pages are

satirical in nature. Absolutely nothing

on the pages is true.

THUR

PETITION

Kenzie O’Chief | Loyolan

Between fraternity chapter and community service, freshmen Joey Bills and TJ Detwiler (pictured above left to right) say they “just don’t have the time or energy” to eat outside their dorm rooms.

For the first time in the University’s 100-year history, LMU crowned a homecoming king and queen at Saturday night’s basketball game against the University of Portland Pilots. During halftime, it was announced that LMU’s 2012 Homecoming King and Queen are none other than President David W. Burcham and Senior Vice President of Student Affairs Lane Bove.

According to several students in attendance at Saturday’s game, the audience seemed more engaged during those 15 minutes than during either of the evening’s 20-minute halves of basketball that bookended the announcement.

“I’m actually pretty surprised Burcham won,” said senior political science major Catherine Sullivan. Sullivan, whose senior thesis consists of analyzing exit poll data from meaningless, small-scale elections, explained that the preliminary data she gathered during Convo in the week leading up to Saturday’s big announcement indicated write-in candidate In-N-Out led the race for Homecoming King by a large margin.

ASLMU has concluded that an overwhelming majority of student voters mistakenly thought In-N-Out was campaigning for Homecoming King when it stationed itself right next to the polling center and began handing out complimentary burgers. The votes for In-N-Out were discarded by the ballot counters.

“I thought in order to get a free burger I had to vote for In-N-Out,” said freshman nutrition major Lynsi Snyder. “I didn’t mind writing in In-N-Out’s name because it’s definitely been a big part of my college experience so far – more so than any of the other candidates, anyway,” Snyder said.

“It’s an honor just to be nominated,” said the manager of the In-N-Out on Sepulveda between Westchester Parkway and Lincoln Blvd. “Well, I guess not so much nominated as written in. Regardless, we’re excited LMU students wanted to acknowledge us for contributing to their college experience.”

The votes are in: President Burcham and Lane Bove are crowned winners.By Margo GazuntiteAsst. News Editor

Homecoming King and Queen announced

Perfectly manicured grounds, complimentary valet parking and the Crimson Lion’s wine pairings; many students say that elements of the LMU experience echo those of a luxury resort. According to Ajang Armirezami, LMU Hospitality’s Director of East Quad Operations, this comparison will soon become even more of a reality. LMU will launch Dorm Delivery Services (DDS), an evening meal delivery service, at the beginning of the Fall 2012 semester.

The final decision to launch DDS was announced at yesterday’s on-campus community forum, co-hosted by Student Housing and Dining Services. Alyssa Scott, a sophomore political science major, attended the meeting, and was pleased with the news.

“I live in McKay right now, and even getting to Iggy’s is just too annoying sometimes. The elevator is disgusting, and it sounds like it’s going to break at any moment. The stairs are a little better but I still hate that a lot of the time I need to study and be productive is spent waiting in line for food,” Scott said. “I think DDS is necessary because I’ve gone to bed hungry a lot this semester ... and

wished I had time or a place other than Iggy’s to get food.”

Senior English major Summer Kopencheck believes that DDS will encourage reflection, a key part of the Jesuit education.

“The evenings are a great time for reflection, something we don’t always have time for as college students. Ordering in one’s late-night dinner or midnight snack will allow the time spent in those moments walking to the C-Lion, or even worse, World of Wings, to be repurposed for a greater good,” Kopencheck said. “I’m happy for any service that gives students more time to consider the Ignatian values that guide this University.”

Fernando Contrereas, President of the Students for Labor and Economic Justice (SLEJ) club, also believes that DDS will reflect LMU’s Jesuit identity.

“The University partners behind DDS are committed to creating positive career experiences for their delivery staff. In the proposal, they included that all DDS staff members will be offered a number of benefit packages, and a living, rather than minimum, wage,” Contrereas said.

Senior Vice President for Administration Lynne Scarboro has confirmed that DDS will cater to all dormitories on campus, and that its operating hours will be solely in the evening. Scarboro expects the University to announce further details by the end of this semester.

University to implement Dorm Delivery Services due to high demand.

By Tierney FinSTARNews Editor

Where luxury and education collide

Kevin O’KeithA&E Editor

February 6, 2012

Page 2 www.laloyolan.comOpiniOnStudent Editorials and Perspectives

Board Editorials represent the voice of the Loyolan. They are written in collaboration by the Executive Editorial Board.

Free from the freeze

Board Editorial

Angelica CalientePublic Editor

Kenzie O’ChiefEditor in Chief

Laura RiparhorniManaging Editor

Michael SilvershollAsst. Managing Editor | Sports Editor

Tired of walking across campus during the win-ter? LMU has heard the

complaints of its students and is taking responsive action. As announced by University President David W. Burcham in a campus-wide University Communications email, the school “will be implement-ing an underground subway system that will be modeled after the New York City under-ground below LMU’s campus.”

The Loyolan is highly sup-portive of LMU’s actions, which are expected to produce a fully operational underground by Spring 2013, as the transpor-tation system will keep stu-dents out of the 70-degree fro-zen tundra and give them a quicker way of making the pil-grimage between U-Hall and Seaver.

On a campus as large as LMU – and in a climate that reaches chilling temperatures as low as 65 degrees dur-ing the months of December, January and February – action needed to be taken to create a safer environment for the University’s population.

Although the Loyolan is unsure of where the funds will be allocated from, rumors indi-cate that they will likely be pulled from those set aside for financial aid. The Loyolan is highly supportive of this action. Following an extensive check on the average income of the families of students at LMU, it is obvious that a sig-nificant amount of available financial aid is of less impor-tance to the students of the University.

Adrien BalboaIncoming Editor in Chief

Re: “The Onion set as First Amendment Week key-note” (January 26, 2012, Page 1)

Dear Editor,

There are times, I will admit, that LMU fails to live up to my expectations and disappoints me. I can overlook the ruckus and debauchery of College Fest, and the ques-tionable and often immature content that the University allows to run in the Loyolan Opinion section (How dare that short charlatan criticize a service organization?). But this year, words cannot express my utter shame of being a Lion. I’m talking, of course, about allowing The Onion’s Editor in Chief Joe Randazzo and Staff Writer Dan Mirk to be the keynote speakers of First Amendment Week.

I don’t know if you, gentle reader, have perused the online pages of this publication, but the blatant lack of serious, professional writing that runs rampant on this website makes a mockery of our first amendment rights. With such articles as “I’m More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself,” or “NHL’s Critics Find No Evidence That Pentalty Box Reforms Play-ers,” it seems as if Randazzo and Mirk are laughing in the face of what American journalism stands for. If you’re a true patriot, you’ll avoid this disgusting event and write a concerned letter to Congress, and then go to the social event your R.A.’s so generously put on. Shame on you, Loyolan, for promoting these men and their filthy, filthy words.

Mort RoseCommunication studies major and eighth-year senior

Letters to the Editor

Solutions to LMU’s parking problemsValet parking? I don’t know, man.

Fees? I have alcohol to buy. These are among the most important

and valid concerns that many LMU students have about the current and newly proposed park-ing plan. However, I’ve devised a couple of alternates that the University should consider implement-ing instead. For one, the administration could give each stu-dent a smaller, alter-native vehicle that would take up less

parking space. And no, not a Prius.I’m talking, of course, about the

Segways that Public Safety uses. It’d be like having a convertible but with

three wheels and a sweet bike hel-met. Plus, every guy on campus would finally have a reason to grow a wal-rus mustache. If that doesn’t get your motor running (I am so, so sorry; the editors made me put that in), then maybe go-karts will. At least then the competition of finding parking would be fun. Nothing says: “That’s MY spot, ‘LMU girl’” like whiplash.

There’s also the possibility of hav-ing alternative payment methods. You know those freshmen girls who buy the biggest meal plan and then somehow have 1,000 LION dollars left? You could always just use (steal) their leftover money and use that to pay for parking.

This is the opinion of Sailor Joey, a super senior nautical studies major with a minor in AVAST, YE SCURVY DOG! from somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Please send comments to sailorj@theloyolan.com.

Boats ‘N’ JoesBy Sailor JoeyFirst Mate

Loyolan Archives

If the University follows Sailor Joey’s suggestion, students would receive Segways like the ones Public Safety uses.

SPECIAL BLUFF EDITION

None of the following

content is true

www.laloyolan.com Arts & EntErtAinmEntFilm, Literature, Music, Restaurants and Theater

February 6, 2012

Page 3

As part of its initiative to feature more LMU

talent in the LMUsic concert series, Mane Entertainment (ME) has booked President David W. Burcham to perform this Friday in The Living Room. He will be playing acoustic guitar and singing a medley of girl-power hits.

Following last month’s tribute to hair-metal bands by Chief of Public Safety Hampton Cantrell, ME’s Spotlight Events Manager Dan Fromhart actively worked to book Burcham. The president was reportedly reticent to sign on at first, but Fromhart said he had a change of heart.

“I think he was maybe worried about his stage fright,” said Fromhart. “But eventually he came around once he learned he could have his trusty guitar Rambo on stage with him.” Fromhart also confirmed that Burcham would be performing a

medley of anthems by his favorite “divas,” but wouldn’t spoil any other potential songs or artists other than a powerful acoustic rendition of “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” that is going to open the show.

“I’m really excited for his performance,” said senior business major Devin Sixt, also a photographer for the Loyolan. “I’m a fan of both diva singers and President Burcham, but I haven’t really had an outlet for these loves to intersect before. I hope he breaks out the Willow Smith.”

“We’re expecting a big turnout for this,” said Fromhart, who will personally introduce Burcham, along with backup vocalist and Assistant Chief of Public Safety Patricia Coffelt. “I think it’s going to be the event that everyone will be talking about for the rest of the semester.”

LMUsic featuring Burcham will be hosted in The Living Room this Friday at 8 p.m. Doors open at 7:30 p.m. Admission is free.

Burcham set as next headliner for LMUsicEvent PreviewBy Kevin O’KeeffeA&E Editor, Not Kenzie’s Brother

Loyolan Archives

President Burcham is set to perform this Friday in The Liv-ing Room. He’ll be performing a medley of diva anthems.

Ronald Ortega-Smith | Loyolan

SPECIAL BLUFF EDITION

None of the following

content is true

The annual tryouts for the two walk-on spots on the women’s water polo team took a tragic turn on Monday when freshman Sophia Vergesh brought a living horse into the pool at the Burns Aquatic Center. The mistake did not result in any casualties, but did displace much of the water in the pool and force tryouts to be postponed as well as the horse to be put down.

Vergesh, a native of Argentina, claims to have heard about the team’s open spot through a friend who did not explain the difference between the water sport “water polo” and just “polo,” which is widely popular in Argentina.

“I thought it was just a Californian way to mean polo, which I am very good at, so I was excited,” Vergesh said. “I am deeply sorry for the mistake.”

Even though the water sport is derived from the equestrian version, horses have never played a part in water polo. At this

time, it is still unknown where Vergesh obtained the horse, named Fair Rift, and whether or not she stored it on campus at any time, although photos have since surfaced of the horse wandering about the bluff.

“While I admire Sophia’s enthusiasm to be part of our program, this was a terrible incident,” Head Coach Kyle Witt said. “So I guess this is as good of a time as any to clear up for all the out-of-state or international kids that water polo does not involve any horses.”

Some good has come from the tragedy, however, as the LMU Office for International Students and Scholars (OISS) has created a new program aimed at making foreign students familiar with American sports.

OISS Director Denise Folga said that the new initiative, called “Building American Leaders and Learners through Sports” or “BALLtS,” helps students who may have never had a hot dog at a baseball game or who think Americans can’t play soccer. “Seeing their faces when we explain a balk or five-second violation is just priceless,” Folga said. “That is why you get into this business: to help kids and see those faces.”

www.laloyolan.com

February 6, 2012

Page 4Lion SportS

Polo tryouts breed much confusion, student apologizesInternational student brings real horse to women’s water polo tryouts.By John PaulAsst. Sports Editor

Appearance of fans brings tennis loss

Kenzie O’Chief | Loyolan

Some became suspicious when a horse was seen grazing on the bluff before tryouts.

Men’s tennis is blind sided by fans and the opposing team.By @jwilks26Follow me on Twitter

The LMU athletic department’s continuing effort to celebrate the centennial season with giveaways and promotions backfired on Tuesday when the men’s tennis team, shocked by all the students in attendance, was swept 7-0 by the University of San Diego.

“Sure we’re a team, but tennis is all about individual focus, and with all those people watching us, how were we supposed to concentrate on winning?” junior Anders Marcos said.

Inspired by the most extravagant promotion yet – three free units to apply towards any core requirement – a crowd of over 500 students packed into the LMU Tennis Center, stuffing the sidelines. At first, the crowed wandered around quietly, wondering why they hadn’t known there was a tennis team before Tuesday.

“I think it’s pretty cool that LMU has a tennis team. I had no idea,” senior finance major Zach Trenton said after watching the ugly match. “That one guy is in my acting class, and he’s a nice guy, but I would have never guessed he was a real athlete. solid actor too.”

Despite the unprecedented fan support, LMU did not record a positive result in a single match and surrendered a record number of service aces.

“I couldn’t follow the ball for more than a couple seconds without getting caught staring at one of the fans,” Marcos said. “Knowing that our peers were watching was just too much. It’s not something we’re used to and not something I hope we have to deal with in the future.”

LMU Head Coach Brad Sceney echoed Marcos’ concern and said, “We appreciate the students and the administration, but performing in front of that big of a crowd is just not something we prepare our kids to handle.”

The Lions are back in action next weekend when they host nationally-ranked University of Southern California at noon on Sunday. With the enormity of the match, Sceney encouraged students to stay away, saying, “If we hope to succeed, we can’t have this problem again.”

SPECIAL BLUFF EDITION

None of the following

content is true

First Amendment Week Games

Across:4. The First Amendment speaker at LMU in 2011. 7. The name of this year’s bobblehead.9. The number of amendments in the Bill of Rights.10. The first amendment is a part of this.

Down:1. The Bill of Rights is a part of this.2. The Loyolan staff can express their opinions in the newspaper because of this freedom.3. We can practice whatever beliefs we want because of this freedom.5. We have the right to operate in groups and organizations because of this freedom.6. The First Amendment applies only to laws enacted by ...8. We are allowed to say what we think because of this freedom.

11**Answers on laloyolan.com

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