Flagons and Foxtrots Script

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Flagons and Foxtrots by Alison Quigan and Ross Gumbley 1

FLAGONSand

FOXTROTS

by Alison Quigan and Ross Gumbley

Thevirtually-final-except-for-the-next Draft




CHARACTERS ORIGINAL CAST

Sid Jenkins Peter Hawes

Jill Jenkins Nicola MurphyJack Taylor Richard Edge

Archie Moore Ross Gumbley

Pinkie Moore Kristen Mulcahy

Auntie Ina Jenkins Alison Quigan

Rita Vincent Kate Louise Elliot

Sid Jenkins (early 50s) runs the dances every Saturday night. He is a farmer,

divorced with one daughter, Jillian.

Jillian, (early 20s) is a dental nurse. She assists her father in running the dances.

She has a boyfriend of two years, Jack.

Jack (mid 20s) is a mechanic who is also the guitarist in the Archie Moore Trio.

Wants to get out of Palmerston North.

Archie (late 20s) is the piano man and founder of the “Archie Moore Trio” Still lives athome but has dreams of making the big time.

Pinkie (17) is a butcher’s apprentice and brother to Archie. He is the drummer of the

group. Always wanted to make it out at Newbury.

Auntie Ina Jenkins (late 40s) Scottish sister in law to Sid. Widow to his brother Ivan.

She is the local telephone operator and lives next door to Sid and Jillian. She does

the catering to the dance. She is effectively the mother figure to Jillian.

Rita (early 20s) is a nurse and a friend to Jillian. She is a regular singer out at

Newbury.

Johnny King (early 40s) is a faded rock and roll singer looking for a support band.

Had a No. 7 in the late 50s. Now does the rounds in the smaller centres. Not seen in

the play but perhaps should be mentioned in the programme.







ACT ONE

SCENE ONE - THE DANCE HALL – MORNING

THE BACK DOOR OF THE HALL OPENS AND FILLS THE HALL WITH A SHAFT

OF MORNING SUNLIGHT. JACK ENTERS AND SITS. FROM STAGE LEFT THEFOLLOWING CHARACTERS SWARM ONTO THE STAGE. AT THE CENTRE OF

THIS BUNDLE IS SID JENKINS - HE IS PESTERED BY ARCHIE MOORE, JACK

AND SID’S DAUGHTER JILLIAN – THEY ALL WANT SID TO ALLOW THE ARCHIE

MOORE TRIO TO AUDITION – HE SEEMS LESS THAN KEEN. FINALLY - AFTER

MUCH PRESSURE.

SID Alright!! Let’s hear you then.

AT THAT PINKIE STARTS TO BEAT OUT A SOLITARY COMMON TIME ON THE

SNARE. JACK AND ARCHIE JOIN IN ON PIANO AND GUITAR RESPECTIVLY.

THEY ARE PLAYING ‘RUNAWAY’. ARCHIE SINGS. SID LISTENS. RITA

ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT WITH A BOX OF DECORATIONS AND QUIETLY

LEANS AND LISTENS. AUNTIE INA ARRIVES WITH BREAD IN A BOX FROM

THE KITCHEN. INA AND SID MOVE THE TRESTLE THAT IS SITTING BY THE

STAGE AND PLACE IT CENTRE. THEY LISTEN FOR A MOMENT AND INA

SUGGESTS THEY DANCE TOGETHER - SID REFUSES. JILLIAN TAKES UP

INA’S OFFER AND GRABS RITA AND STARTS TO TWIST. SID DIRECTS THE

GIRLS TO CARRY OUT SOME TASK STAGE LEFT. THEY LINGER AND HE

SHOOS THEM OFF THE STAGE. INA EXITS TO THE KITCHEN. DURING THIS

ARCHIE FRUSTRATION WITH PINKIES ATTITUDE HAS LED HIM TO SHOUT AT

PINKY TO “FILL!” BETWEEN THE MUSICAL PHRASES. IN AN ACT OF

DESPARATION HE INSTRUCTS PINKIE AND JACK TO SWAP INSTRUMENTS

MID SONG – WHICH THEY DO. THE SONG FINISHES IN CHAOS

ARCHIE What do you reckon Mr Jenkins?

SID I dunno boys … I can’t work out if you’re loose or crap.

ARCHIE Oh there’s no question: We’re loose!

SID I don’t think you realise young Archie, we have a reputation out here

you know.

ARCHIE I know.




SID There could be up to 500 people coming through that door tonight.

ARCHIE I know that.

SID And they expect the best.

ARCHIE They expect very best!

SID And they are expecting to see the Bobbin Robbins - and they’re .....

ARCHIE Sensational.

SID That’s right.

ARCHIE I know - I read the advertisement.

SID And if they weren’t stuck in Wellington, I wouldn’t even be listening to

you lot!

ARCHIE Sensational.

SID I don’t want people to think that I’m running some sort of Mickey Mouseoutfit down here.

ENTER JILLIAN

JILLIAN The dunnies are backed up again, Dad!

EXIT JILLIAN

SID Bugger. That’ll be the septic tank. You know the drill.

THE BOYS GROAN … SID STARTS TO EXIT

ARCHIE So – do we get to play, Mr Jenkins?

SID The question is: are you good enough?

ARCHIE Sid, come on … we got a Highly Commended at the Darfield Scottish

Society Talent Quest.




SID Right. Keep practicing boys.HE WALKS OFF.

ARCHIE I don’t believe it. I do not believe it!

JACK Settle down Archie.

ARCHIE Settle down, Archie? Any band worth their salt would kill for this

opportunity –Referring to Pinky And you! What the hell was all that

about?

PINKY He forgot the lead break.

ARCHIE Pinky, you are thicker than Mum’s cremota.

JACK What’s the story with the Bobbin Robbins?

ARCHIE Y’know how they went up to Wellington to play at the Astoria?

JACK Yeah?

ARCHIE They’re stuck up there. Cook Strait’s closed due to a very heavy swell.If we can play - this is our chance, boys. We could be on our way and

out of here.

PAUSE

PINKIE I reckon it’s the name.

ARCHIE What?

PINKIE Our name.

ARCHIE There’s nothing wrong with our name.

PINKIE The Archie Moore Trio?

ARCHIE It’s a good name.

JACK If you’re Archie Moore.




ARCHIE Shut up.

PINKIE It’s too old fashioned.

ARCHIE No, it’s not. It’s nothing to do with the name.

PINKIE I reckon it should be an animal.

ARCHIE What?

PINKIE The name of the band should be an animal - but spelt wrong - you

know, like – ‘The Beatles’ -or – ‘The Byrds’.

ARCHIE I’m sorry?

PINKIE How about – ‘The Cows’, ....with a K.

PAUSE

PINKIE Or ‘The Ewes’ … with a U … Na, they’ll think we’re girls.

ARCHIE I can’t believe I’m hearing this.

PINKIE Or ‘The Possums’ … with a double Z. Pozzums. Pozzums.

ARCHIE How about ‘The Prats’ with a P?

PINKIE No, because Prat is spelt with a P ...

ARCHIE EXPLODES

ARCHIE Oh Jeez!!!! - bugger off will ya! It’s got nothing to do with the name.

PINKIE I dunno.

ARCHIE Go and check the septic tank.

PINKIE Why do I have to check the septic tank?




ARCHIE You heard Sid - we have to clean out the septic tank!

PINKIE Pozzums.

ARCHIE SOFTLY You’re an idiot.

JACK What’s the story with the septic tank?

ARCHIE I knew this was coming. The young farmers clogged it up after their

knees up last night.

ALL OOH

ARCHIE Auntie Ina’s curried eggs were a bit off.

PINKIE Curried eggs!

ARCHIE Off ya go.

PINKIE Why me?

ARCHIE You’ve got the longest arms.

PINKIE Let’s measure.

ARCHIE Off ya go! Sid said we’ve gotta do it. Look I’ll give you a hand in a

minute.

PINKIE Great. .....STARTS TO EXIT...Hey what about ‘The Chooks’?

ARCHIE What chooks?

PINKIE HE EXITSLadies and Gentlemen ‘The Chooks’! How about a big

hand for ‘The Chooks’!

JACK You’re too hard on that boy, Arch.

ARCHIE Do you know how you can tell when Pinkie’s playing out of time?

JACK How?




ARCHIE His sticks are moving.

JACK He’s not that bad.

ARCHIE Yes - he is. But I expect it of him. I know Pinky’s gonna be hopeless.

But, what’s up with you? It’s not like you.

JACK Nothing.

ARCHIE Come on -spill the beans.

JACK Its nothing I can’t handle .....

ARCHIE Nothing you can’t … ?

JACK SAYS NOTHING

ARCHIE My heart bleeds for ya, you lucky bugger. I wish I had your problems.

JACK No you don’t, Arch. No you don’t.

JILLIAN ENTERS FROM SUPPER ROOM CARRYING BROOM AND BRUSH AND

PAN PLUS AN EMPTY CRATE

ARCHIE Speak of the devil. Here she comes - the lovely Jillian

JILLIAN Why is Pinkie looking for a pair of waders?

ARCHIE Hopeless. I’ll give him a hand.

JILLIAN That sounded great Jack.

ARCHIE D’you reckon? I think it sounded crap.

JILLIAN Well I think he sounded fab!

ARCHIE Look, I don’t wanna get offside with the dental nurse. See if you can

talk some sense into him Jillian. HE EXITS.




END OF SCENE 1




SCENE TWO

JILL Can you pick up these empties Jack while I sweep? JACK PICKS UP

EMPTIES WHILE JILLIAN SWEEPS Is something up?

JACK Eh?

JILL Just what Archie said.

JACK Oh, well, Jillian its.......Well you know Archie. He’s normally pretty keen

but the thought of playing out here ... He’s impossible - it’s gone to his

head. We can just knock out a few rock and roll tunes - but I wouldn’t

know how to play a Gay Gordons. And as for a Maxina...Well ....I

dunno. Its not our thing. Its just Archie, you know?

JILL We’ve got better things to think about eh?

JACK Yeah.

JILL Lets make it tonight.

JACK Do ya think?

JILL It would make me so happy.

JACK We’d have to be careful.

JILL Why? Everybody’s expecting it.

JACK Are they?

JILL Auntie Ina’s on at me all the time

JACK Auntie Ina?

JILL She can’t wait to get the sheets ready.

JACK Is that right?

JILL For my box.




JACK Your box?

JILL For my glory box.

JACK What are you talking about?

JILL Announcing our engagement.

JACK Oh right. I think I should talk to your Father first.

JILL I thought you had.

JACK Well … not properly.

JILL You can talk to him now.

JACK Jillian ... it’s all a bit sudden.

JILL We’ve been going around for two years next month.

JACK You know I want to.

JILL You’d better. You did ask me to marry you!

JACK Things are a bit tight at the moment. I don’t know how much you think

a mechanic gets paid, but its bugger all, I can tell ya.

JILL I don’t care about the money - I just want to get married!

JACK Yeah, I know.

JILL The sooner we get engaged, the sooner we can get married and the

sooner we can..........

JACK I haven’t got a ring.

JILL We could use this. I made it ages ago. At work. See.(SHE

PRODUCES RING MADE OF WIRE AND AMALGAM) I didn’t think

we’d ever use it. It was just a pattern really - for how I want the real one

to look. I just used the drills and played around with some dental




reinforcing wire. I made it during my lunch hours - it’s all I ever think

about Jack. Us being married … being together.

JACK Are these stones - gravel?

JILL No, its amalgam, from the fillings.

JACK You can’t show people this tonight - what will they think!

JILL We can get the real one next week.

JACK Let’s just wait till next week then. What can happen in a week.

JILL I want to do it tonight.ENTER AUNTIE INA

INA Do what I might ask?

JACK Nothing.

INA I hope you’re not getting up to mischief, young lady.

JILLIAN Of course not, Auntie Ina.

INA And why not - you’re only young once. Not that you need to be young

to have fun - eh Jack? GOOSING HIM.

JACK Ah, That’s right Mrs Jenkins.

INA Ina, please. We’re all family here aren’t we - or soon will be.

JILLIAN Were you listening, Auntie?

INA Well it’s no secret. How was I to know it was a private conversation?

JILL Auntie Ina, you’re so naughty.

INA Naughty but nice, eh Jack? SHE GOOSES JACK AGAIN!

JACK Oooh. Whatever you say, Mrs.....




INA Ina, please.

JACK (flustered)Mrs.....Ina, please. Thank you. Ina! .... Ina. Thank you.

INA Well, I think it’s marvellous. I’m sure you’ll both be very happy.

JILL Thanks Auntie Ina.

INA I’m hoping its catching - with you flying the nest I can get fresh with

your father.

JILL You’re naughty.

INA Well Its time I made an honest man of him.

JILL Have you and Dad......?

INA No! Pigs might fly first. But without you to chaperone us, people will

be starting to talk. Now, help me with these sandwiches. I’ll slice - you

butter.

JILL Where’s Rita got to?

INA She’s out the back looking for pins for the streamers. We go through

them like nobody’s business. She’d better be careful up that ladder

though. So, did you have a good week Jack?

JACK Pretty good, yeah.

INA Oh great. You’ll never guess who’s had a bad week?

JILL Who?

INA Oh I don’t know if I should -

JILL Come on Auntie Ina, you no you want to, tell us who?

INA Oh I don’t know - it’s more than its more than my jobs worth.

JILL Auntie Ina...who’s had a bad week?




INA The Connolly boy.

JACK Which one?

INA Spud. Spud Connolly.

JACK What about him?

INA Well this is a story from the dark end of the car park behind Jelly park -

if you know what I mean.

JILL No?

JACK Go on.

INA It turns out that Spud Connolly and one of the Tweedie girls were

getting overly familiar in the back seat of his car. And Spud, the poor

fool, thought his luck was in. Well, I say in - because right at the

moment of .......... of um of ......you know...

INA Tap tap tap

JILL Sorry?

INA They hear a tap tap tap on the window of his Morrie Minor.

JACK The Police?

INA Yes.

JILL But isn’t his father Constable Connolly.

INA Yes

JILL Oh No.

INA Oh yes. He shines his torch in and sees his own pride and joy giving

him the one eyed salute.




JACK Bloody hell! That would make you lose your enthusiasm.

INA Well with most people yes. But not with Spud Connolly.

JILL How do you mean?

INA Well, he remained (erect)........ he remained.

JILL No!

INA Aye, for a week!

JACK A week!

INA Seven whole days. And I mean whole!

JILL So what happened?

INA Doctor Cameron took care of him.

JACK Is that right?

INA He told him to use his imagination and handed him a damp cloth and a

copy of the Women’s Weekly.

JACK No, you're pulling my leg.

INA Well Spud very nearly was.

JACK Really.

INA Without a word of a lie.

JACK With all respect Auntie Ina, even if it was true how would you know?

JILL She’s the telephone operator - she knows everything.

SID ENTERS ALL STEAMED UP

SID Look what I found in the Mens? Tucked into the cistern.




JILL What is it?

SID Smells like gin.

INA Oh that’s terrible, Sid. They now they are not allowed to.

SID No wonder the bogs are on the blink.

INA Give that to me Sid, I’ll get rid of it.

JILL Come on Auntie Ina we need some more bread.

INA No we don’t. We’ve got plenty.

JILL Come on Auntie Ina. Jack wants to talk to Dad.

JACK No I don’t

JILL Yes you do. Doesn’t he Auntie Ina?

INA Does he?

JILL Like a good member of the family.

INA What family?

JILL Our family.........

INA Oh that family - so he does. Lets get more bread.

JACK I’ll get it.

INA No you won’t. THEY EXIT

PAUSE

SID Have you got something to tell me?

JACK Who me?




SID Yes you.

JACK No.

SID Well, what were they talking about?

JACK Who?

SID Don’t play dumb with me boy. Is this about my daughter?

JACK Oh right ..... I’m glad you asked me that. ...........um .... well ....its

SID Spit it out!

JACK She’s a lovely girl.

SID Whar are you saying?

JACK I like her a lot.

SID A lot? Are you telling me that you’ve already......

JACK No! We haven’t.....No. I’m just saying - Ilike her.

SID Now listen up boy. I think you’re a passable sort of bloke and I

appreciate the work you do out here every Saturday but when all is said

and done, you’re an idiot. And quite frankly I think she could do better. I

don’t mind you knocking around with her - providing you keep your

hands to yourself.

JACK I do. I will. I am.

SID You better. But you’re not marrying her. Now, where’s Archie?STARTS

TO EXIT

JACK Sid!

SID Yip.




JACK You know I’d never mean to hurt Jillian.

SID … I know.

SID EXITS

THE PHONE RINGS OFF STAGE AND JILL AND INA ENTER AND INA RUSHES

OFF TO ANSWER PHONE

INA I’ll get it. Coming .....coming - SHE EXITS TO OFFICE

JILL Well?

JACK Well?

JILL Did you ask him? Did you have a chat?

JACK Oh yeah - did we ever.

JILL About our engagement?

JACK Oh Yeah … yeah … we had a chat.

JILL Wonderful! Then we’re all set!

JACK Jill, look we’ve got to talk.

INA It’s for you Jillian. CALLING FROM OFF

JACK Jill, we’ve got to talk.

JILL I know Jack, there’s so much we have to talk about and we will we will.

SHE GIVES HIM A BIG KISS AND EXITS

JACK Great!

END OF SCENE 2




SCENE 3

RITA ENTERS FROM BEHIND STAGE.

RITA Hello Jack...........I found the pins.

JACK Oh yeah, that’s good. Don’t want the streamers coming down in the

middle of the night.

RITA No, that would be a bit of a tragedy.

SHE STARTS TO PUT THE STREAMERS UP OVER THE ARCHWAY

JACK These are good streamers - nice colour.

RITA Yeah, I made them myself

JACK Did you?

PAUSE

JACK Look, Rita…

RITA Yes Jack.

PAUSE

JACK Have you seen the balloons?

RITA They’re out the back.

JACK STARTS TO LEAVE

RITA Jack. We are going to have to face this.

JACK I know. How long … have you been …?

RITA You know. You were there.

JACK Can they tell after three weeks?




RITA Yes.

JACK Look, Rita … I gotta say this … it should never have happened … it

was a mistake … I mean I’m prepared to … but … I’m … I’m with … um

… Y’know … I’m with … I’m with…

RITA Jill.

JACK Exactly. And … y’know … and … that’s kinda the way it is.

RITA What about us.

JACK Look … don’t get me wrong … I think you are … I really do. And I

know I have to … and if things were different … but they’re not … I can’t

see … I don’t think there can be an us.

RITA I meant me and my baby.

JACK So, youare going to?… you’renot going to…?

RITA What … disappear for a few months. Have my mother tell all her

friends that … “Rita’s just at way at the convent, for the moment”“Renewing her vows of chastity”. Or “Thank you for asking - but she’s

just visiting my sister in Wanganui”. “Really – it’s been awhile” And

then when I come home … ignoring all the talking behind my back …

JACK No.

RITA No.

JACK Did the Doctor give you anything for it?

RITA I haven’t got a cold. I’m pregnant.

JACK I know. Did he give you any advice … anyother options.

RITA He gave me a peppermint when I paid.

JACK So, what are we going to do?




JILL BURSTS IN.

JILL Guess who’s getting married?

RITA Who?

JILL Denise and Kevin!

RITA Aahh..!!

JILL She wants me to be the bridesmaid!

RITA Do you think it’s because she has to.

JILL Rita!!!

JACK Better give the boys a hand.

JILL Jack!.......SHE MAKES KISSY SOUNDS - HE KISSES HER AND

THEN JACK EXITS

RITA So do you? Do you think she’s got into trouble?

JILL Rita!!!

RITA They’ve been going together for 6 months he must be bored with

snogging by now.

JILL Oh Rita!

RITA What!?

JILL She’s not like that.

RITA She can’t hold him off for ever.

JILL At least some of us try.

RITA Oh come on Jillian, they’re all after a bit.




JILL No they’re not.

RITA Don’t you think Jack’s like that?

JILL Jack’s a gentlemen

RITA But he’s still got a dick.

JILL Rita!!

RITA Well hasn’t he?

JILL No!

RITA What!

JILL I suppose he has.

RITA Have you seen it?

JILL Rita!

RITA Have you?

JILL No. Of course not.

RITA He might not have one.

JILL Oh Rita.

RITA How long have you been going out?

JILL That doesn’t matter.

RITA How long?

JILL You know.

RITA Two years.




JILL Yes, two years.

RITA And you don’t know whether he’s got a dick.

JILL I’m sure he’s got a dick. Oh Rita, you made me say it.

RITA Well how far have you gone?

JILL Far enough.

RITA Have you done it?

JILL Well .... yes.

RITA Yes!!

JILL Well ..... sort of

RITA What do you mean sort of?

JILL He took me up the summit road last week after the dance.

RITA And?

JILL I thought there must have been a restaurant up there or something.

But there’s not.

RITA No.

JILL There was a lot of cars up there, though. We had trouble getting a

park. You could see the lights of the city. It was really pretty.

RITA I’ve never noticed the lights.

JILL We talked for ages. It was really nice in the car. Jack had borrowed

his parents Austin Healey and it was nice. Nice upholstery. Plush. It’s

got bucket seats and they’re really close together which was handy cos

Jack slid his arm around me. And then we did it.

RITA You didn’t?




JILL We did. We tongued.

RITA And then what?

JILL He touched my breast!

RITA And then?

JILL And then we went home. Jack wasn’t feeling well.

RITA Is that all?

JILL Well, yes. I had to drain an infected bicuspid first thing in the morning.

I knew Dad would be waiting up. Besides we’re going to save

ourselves until we’re married.

RITA I hope he can wait that long.

JILL He won’t have to.

RITA Why?

JILL We’re announcing our engagement.

RITA When?

JILL Tonight. Jack’s spoken to Dad and everything.

RITA Has he? Good old Jack.

END OF SCENE 3




SCENE 4

SID STORMS BACK IN FOLLOWED BY ARCHIE, PINKIE AND JACK

ARCHIE Come on Sid, give us a chance.

SID Look, boys I’ve decided. You’re not going to like this but I’m going to

do away with a band tonight – I’m just going to play records.

ALL REACT IN DISBELIEF

ARCHIE Records?

JILL You’re going to play records at a dance?

RITA That’s crazy.

ARCHIE You’ve gotta support new talent, Sid.

SID When it turns up I will!

JILL Jacks really talented.

ARCHIE We could play some Beatles numbers.

JILL Jack sings – ‘Love me Do’.

SID Not on your life - you can’t dance to ‘The Beatles’.

ARCHIE How do you know? You don’t dance anyway!

SILENCE – EVERYBODY IS AWARE THAT ARCHIE HAS GONE TOO FAR.

JILL Can’t buy me love!

ARCHIE When was the last time you danced out here!

SID I don’t want any Beatles.

ARCHIE You never dance.




JILL Dad, you can dance to ‘Twist and Shout’!

SID Stay out of this Jillian,

ARCHIE You let Rita sing out here

SID That’s cos she’s talented.

ARCHIE No question.

SID And she looks good.

JILL Jack looks good. Let them play - they’ll be great.

SID This is nothing to do with you Jillian. Get this stuff into the kitchen.

JILL But, Dad.

SID Just do it.

JILL Come on Rita. JILL AND RITA EXIT TO BOX OFFICE AREA.

ARCHIE You’ve gotta let us play - We’re a class act.

PINKIE ENTERS WITH GUMBOOT ON STICK

PINKIE I’ve found what’s blocking the septic tank. Its my size and I’m keeping it.

ARCHIE Alright, fair enough Sid, we’ll just play one bracket.

SID Bugger ya. The toilets are stuffed, the place is a shambles and I don’t

need you belly aching. You’re not playing! HE EXITS

ARCHIE Not even one song!

SID Not even one bar!!

PAUSE

ARCHIE Are you happy now?




PAUSE

PINKIE How about ......’The Dromedaries’?

ARCHIE What??

PINKIE Yeah, yeah, ‘The Dromedaries’.

ARCHIE Pinkie its nothing to (do with the name).........What’s a dromedary?

PINKIE Its like a camel with two humps. What about ‘The Camels’ with 2 ks?

ARCHIE Pinkie shut up about the bloody name.

PINKIE Suit yourself. What about the Eagles?

ALL CONSIDER THIS

ALL Nah.

ARCHIE Sid’s right we’re crap.

JACK We played alright at the talent quest.

ARCHIE We didn’t even get a place we just got a highly commended.

PINKIE That kid was bloody good with the hoola hoops, though.

ALL AGREE

JACK Are you coming out for the dance tonight, Archie?

ARCHIE Na. Stuff that. I thought we’d be playing. Mind you, be good to hear

Rita sing.

PINKIE She only sings one song.

ARCHIE She seems very quiet today. Not her usual bubbly self.




JACK Hadn’t noticed.

ARCHIE How about you Jack. Jill will be keen.

JACK Keen is not the word, mate.

PINKIE Be good to hear the Bobbin Robbins.

ARCHIE Yeah … they are sensational.

PINKIE I’m coming out.

ARCHIE No you’re not.

PINKIE I’m gonna find me a bird and fill me boots.

ARCHIE Pinkie, You better not let Mum hear you talk like that. She’ll wash your

mouth with sunlight.

PINKIE I’m 18 and I’m coming out here tonight and you can’t stop me.

ARCHIE Are you 18?

PINKIE I’ve got my own job and I can do what I like.

ARCHIE Don’t get cockie - Mr butcher’s apprentice. You’re not coming.

PINKIE I’ll tell Mum what you’ve got under your bed.

ARCHIE How do you know what I’ve got under my bed?

PINKIE I’m on the bottom bunk.

ARCHIE BEAT Alright then you can come.

PINKIE Woohoo. Yeah. Good on ya Archie. Now you’re talk’n.

ARCHIE If a brother of mine is gonna make a fool of himself at the Ohoka

Country Club - he’s gonna do it properly. So what do you reckon Jack.

What can we do for him?




JACK Can you dance?

PINKIE Yeah - course.

ARCHIE Show us then - show us your ‘Maxina’.

PINKIE Dont be dirty

JACK He doesn't know what it is.

PINKIE We learned Morris Dancing at school.

JACK Morris Dancing?

ARCHIE What do you reckon goes on out here you fool. Its not a bunch of nancy

boys waving handkerchiefs and wacking sticks together.

PINKIE Morris Dancing is a fertility dance. Its not about nancy boys.

ARCHIE You soft jube. Now pay attention, Pinkie. Dancing is the vertical

expression of horizontal desire.

PINKIE Is the what?

JACK Its sex standing up.

PINKIE PINKIE EXHALES Ooh.

ARCHIE If you pay attention we’ll see you right. Now Pinkie, I want you to listen

to this man here. He’s the master.

BEAT

JACK Alright. You said you wanted to find a bird and fill your boots. Well if

you want to do that at the Ohoka Hall, there’s some rules you have to

follow. Picture it now Pinkie, there’s gonna be 200 lads stacked all

along this wall.

ARCHIE All wanting the same thing that you want.




JACK Now, Pinkie there’s a bloke up there called the compere. Now he calls

the dances. When you hear the call - you gotta be fast. Because

there’s gonna be a stampede - a cattle rush of blokes from this side of

the hall - to this. Because this is where the sheilas are. Can you see itPinkie. More Sheilas than you can shake a stick at. There’s the pretty

ones. There’s some not so pretty ones, and some Lincoln students .

Now you’ve gotta be quick and make your pick..

ARCHIE Because you don’t wanna end up with an ugly one.

PINKIE Is that what happened to Dad?

ARCHIE Don’t be cheeky.

JACK It helps if you pick a couple of reserves too - close together. Girls are

funny you know. You never get a whole group of good ones - there’s

always a couple of charity cases. And you don’t wanna end up with

them.

ARCHIE Oh no not the charity cases.

JACK Its all in the eyes Pinkie. Isn’t that right, Archie? You’ve got to make

eye contact with the one you’ve picked. There’s the ones that look at

you and hold your eyes and that’s good. There’s the ones that look

you in the eye and when you’re almost there they look away and that’s

bad; and then there’s the ones that don’t look at you at all and that’s

hopeless. Forget them. Got that?

PINKIE Yip yip. Good, bad, hopeless. Forget em.

JACK Good. Now......

PINKIE Hold on. How do I know a good one?

ARCHIE If they’re breathing and wearing a skirt - they’ll do.

PINKIE Right, right so I’ve made me pick - I’ve got across to her double smart -

she’s looking me in the eye...... and then what?




ARCHIE You ask her to dance, you prune.

PINKIE But what do you say?

JACK You just ask her to dance

ARCHIE Politely

PINKIE I don’t know what to say.

ARCHIE Jeez Pinkie, you don’t have to be Oscar Wilde.

JACK Just keep it simple. Don’t try anything fancy. Learn to walk before you

can run.

ARCHIE You’ll be right.

JACK They hardly ever say no.

ARCHIE The first time.

JACK Have you told him about the underwear?

ARCHIE Oh yeah. No I haven’t.

JACK You better.

PINKIE What underwear?

ARCHIE You better wear some tight underwear.

PINKIE Why?

ARCHIE It has been known for some of the boys - their first time out here. To

get a bit over excited.

PINKIE Eh?

ARCHIE You know, a bit over inflated?




PINKIE Eh?

JACK Barred up!

PINKIE Oh.

ARCHIE So if it hits you on the cattle rush. You can brazen it out and risk taking

an eye out or you have to do the double over, make a bolt for the Mens

and think about cricket.

PINKIE What’s that got to do with tight undies.

ARCHIE Well if you wear those old Y fronts of yours - the ones with the gaping

flap. - You might have percy poking his head out thumbing a ride.

PINKIE Oh No!

ARCHIE So make sure your cut lunch is well packed.

JACK Right, you’ve got your girl. Can you do the gay gordons?

PINKIE I thought I might sit that one out.

ARCHIE No way.

JACK You’ve got to be kidding me.

ARCHIE Not on your life.

JACK That’s the most important one.

PINKIE What’s so special about the Gay Gordons?

JACK The gay gordons is your opportunity to size up every sheila in the

place.

ARCHIE To separate the wheat from the chaff.

PINKIE But I can’t do the Gay Gordons.




JACK Its easy - its like this - you grab a partner - and stand in a circle - girls

on the outside - lads in the centre. You walk forward side by side with

your partner three steps and a kick and then back three steps and a tap

and then side together side together walking away from your partner -

grab your new partner, step to the centre and back, then big twirl andyou start again. Got that.

PINKIE No.

JACK Its easy.

ARCHIE Come on Pinkie. You’re gonna have to get this. Because there’s two

sorts the girls go for. There’s the good dancers and the good looking

fellas. You’re gonna have to be a good dancer.

PINKIE How does it go again.

ARCHIE Come here. Watch and 1 2 3 kick back 2 3 tap. Got it? Call it Jack.

ARCHIE GRABS HIM. THEY DANCE SIDE BY SIDE

JACK Right - forward 2 3 kick, back 2 3 kick.PINKIE STANDS STILL

ARCHIE Pinkie, move your feet.

PINKIE I can’t I’m frozen.

ARCHIE Eh?

PINKIE My feet are frozen!

JACK Try again - from the top. forward 2 3 kick,PINKIE RUSHES

FORWARD AND DOES A KICK FOR TOUCH

ARCHIE What are doing?

PINKIE You said to kick

ARCHIE You’re not kicking for touch.

JACK Right try again from the top and then go into the side togethers




ARCHIE Call it Jack.

JACK And forward 2 3 kick, back 2 3 tap, side together side together

THE BROTHERS GET THE FIRST MOVE RIGHT BUT IN THE SIDE TOGETHERSTHEY MOVE TO THE SAME SIDE

ARCHIE What are you doing?

PINKIE He said side together side together

ARCHIE He didn’t mean side together side together to the inside - you’re

supposed to go side together side together to the outside.

PINKIE He didn’t say side together side together to the outside, How am I

supposed to know which way the side togethers go...........

JACK Cut it out. One more time! Now you stand next to me.

ARCHIE Call it Jack.

JACK From the top .. forward 2 3 kick, back 2 3 tap. Side together sidetogether - now grab new partner - and twirl.

PINKIE Got it - I’ve got it. So when do we get to the girls.

ARCHIE Eh?

PINKIE When do we dance with the girls?

ARCHIE You are the girls - that’s where the girl stands.

PINKIE Oh no you’ve taught me the girls part.

ARCHIE Its the same as ours - the same as the boys.

PINKIE No its not its back to front.

ARCHIE Eh?




PINKIE Its back to front.

ARCHIE Jeez Pinkie. Look I’ll be the girl.

PINKIE That’d be right. UNDER HIS BREATH

ARCHIE Call it Jack

JACK Right - forward 2 3 kick, back 2 3 kick. Side together side together -

now grab new partner -

ARCHIE Where are you going?

PINKIE That’s what you taught me. I told you’d taught me the wrong part.

ARCHIE Oh its pretty simple Pinkie.

PINKIE You’ve taught me the outside part. I need to learn the inside part.

ARCHIE They’re both the same you just turn in instead of out. Got it? Call it

Jack

JACK forward 2 3 kick, back 2 3 kick. Side together side together - now grab

new partner - and twirl.

ARCHIE No no its one of those -, Aagh don’t grab my hand so hard - it clicked -

did you hear it click.

PINKIE Y’jube!

ARCHIE Don’t be so tense - RELAX!.

JACK So have you got that.

ARCHIE Its pretty simple. You just follow the guy in front.

JACK Now, the waltz.

PINKIE Oh not the waltz.




JACK Pinkie, you are going to need to learn the waltz. Cos, there are two

dances out here that you can’t afford to bugger up - the supper waltz

and the Last Waltz.

PINKIE Supper ? Great!

JACK The supper waltz as you would imagine, is played just before you go

into supper. Now, if she likes your waltz, you’re in - she’ll stay with you

all through supper - and you’re set up for the rest of the night.

ARCHIE And the Last Waltz is the last roll of the dice. If you’re not in then you’re

buggered for the week.

PINKIE So how does it go?

JACK Its just like the drums - three four time - like this - come on Archie we’ll

show him.

ARCHIE Who’s leading.

JACK I will.

ARCHIE Why am I always the girl?

PINKIE If the cap fits.

ARCHIE Shut it!

THE PHONE RINGS AND IS ANSWERED OFF – AUNTIE INA ENTERS FROM

THE KITCHEN WITH A LARGE MIXING BOWL AND EXITS TO THE FRONT OF

THE BUILDING

ARCHIE AND JACK DANCE -

JACK You’re light on your feet. Very good.

ARCHIE You hold me nicely.

JACK Well you have to.




ARCHIE Nice and firm. That’s peachy.

PINKIE Do you two want to be left alone.

ARCHIE We’re doing this for you Pinkie.

JACK Once more round?

ARCHIE Why not?

AUNTIE INAArchie Moore, you’re wanted on the.... What are you two playing at?

PINKIE They’re teaching me to dance.

INA Are they just? Archie, there’s a toll call for you.

ARCHIE Toll call - For me?

INA Is there another Archie Moore here?

ARCHIE Who is it?

INA What am I - a mind reader? Go and ask them yourself.

ARCHIE Good on ya. Thanks Ina ARCHIE EXITS.

AUNTIE So you’re learning to dance are ya? INA PUTS DOWN HER MIXING

BOWL Well you’ll not learn anything standing on the sidelines. Thank

you Jack. Come on then. JACK GOES TO THE DRUMS

PINKIE Its alright I’ll wait for the others.

INA Nonsense. JACK PLAYS A WALTZ Now the waltz is it? Modern or

Viennese?

PINKIE Whats the difference?

INA Well Viennese is just a simple jiggin up and down and the modern has

far more sweep and is much more romantic.




PINKIE Viennese.

INA Suit yourself. Right put one hand here and the other hand on the small

of her back. Lovely. Now we’ll get the rhythm first . 123 123 123 now

a little bit closer - 123 and 123 and 123 a little bit closer and a little bitfaster Jack, HE GRADUALLY GETS TOO FAST AND PINKIE LOSES

HIS STEP

PINKIE Are you sure this is Viennese?

INA New Zealand Viennese. 123 123 123 Just let yourself go.

SID ENTERS CARRYING A MILK BOTTLE AND EXPLODES

SID What the hell are you playing at?

INA It’s alright Sid,

SID There’s work to be done and what do I get - Come Dancing!??

INA We’re just teaching the boy to dance. Would you like to cut in?

SID No I wouldn’t. Look what I found in the spouting!

INA Oh dear. dirty water?

SID That’s whiskey - pure malt whiskey

INA Give that to me. I’ll dispose of that.

ARCHIE ENTERS EXPLODING.

ARCHIE YeeeeeeeeHoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Na na na na na Nah na Nah na na

na na na na Nah! Na na na na na Nah na Nah na na na na na na Nah! TEQUILA!!!!!

JACK What is it Arch!?

PINKIE Archie?!

INA Good news Archie.




RITA AND JILLIAN ENTER FROM KITCHEN

RITA What’s going on?

SID You silly bugger!!

JILLIAN What’s up Archie?

ARCHIE Na na na na na Nah na Nah na na na na na na Nah! TEQUILA!!!!!

Guess who that was on the phone?

JACK I dunno.

INA Who?

ARCHIE You could never guess not in a million years you could never guess.

SID Who?

JILL Tell us!

ARCHIE None other than Johnny King?

JACK Johnny King!?

SID THE Johnny King!!??

PINKIE Who?

ARCHIE The bloody Johnny bloody King!!

INA Who’s Johnny bloody King?

SID He had a song in the charts years ago.

ARCHIE Summertime Fun. It went to Number 9 in 1957.

INA I remember that.




SID What’s he want with you?

ARCHIE Mr King wants the Archie Moore Trio as a support act on his

forthcoming national tour.

JACK You’re joking! etc etc

PINKIE Bloody Hell! etc etc

JILL Woohoo

RITA SCREAMS

SID Codswallop!

ARCHIE It’s true. Its true Sid, we can’t be so bad after all. He wants us to go on

tour.

JACK Shouldn’t we talk about this Archie?

ARCHIE What’s to talk about? Do you wanna play rock and roll for a living ornot.

SID How would he know about you lot?

PINKIE Yeah, how does he know about us lot?

ARCHIE There was a talent scout

JACK Eh?

ARCHIE At the Darfield Scottish Society Talent Quest.

SID You’re joking.

ARCHIE Na. Its true. He’s been trying to get hold of me all week.

SID I don’t believe it.




ARCHIE Well, you might believe it when he turns up here tonight at the dance -

JACK He’s coming here?

JILL Tonight?

RITA Johnny King?

ARCHIE Johnny King!

PINKIE Who is he again?

ARCHIE There’s just one thing, Sid.

SID What?

ARCHIE Its not a done deal. He wants to hear us play. Tonight. Here tonight.

BEAT

SID Not a chance.

ALL JUMP ON SID

ARCHIE Sid. Come on....

JILL Dad - you’ve gotta let them play.

SID Look we’ve talked about this.

ARCHIE Oh come on Sid, just a couple of songs.

PINKIE Please Mr Jenkins.

JILL Come on Dad - its their big chance.

INA What have you got to lose Sid?

SID Look Boys, this sounds like a load of bollocks to me.




ARCHIE No it’s not Sid. It’s not bollocks. It was him, I tell you, it was Johnny

King.

SID Alright Archie. This is how its gonna go. I want Rita to sing, so you

can back her … and … If he turns up, I’ll let you play.

THEY ERUPT

ARCHIE He’ll turn up alright.

PINKIE Thanks Mr Jenkins.

JILL Thanks Dad.

ARCHIE We’re gonna be big stars boys. I’m gonna be the next Ray Columbus.

INA Good luck to you boys.

SID Yeah, good on ya. Unfortunately, fame and fortune hasn’t smiled on all

of us and we still have a dance to put on tonight and time is marching

on. Come on you lot look lively.

JILLIAN Tonight is going to be so exciting. I can hardly wait.

THEY EXIT REPRISING SHE’S A MOD.

END OF SCENE 4




SCENE 5

INA Finish folding those napkins for me, will you, Rita?

RITA STARTS TO FOLD THE NAPKINS – INA RETURNS TO BEATING HERMIXING BOWL

INA You’re quiet today?

RITA Am I?

INA You normally give those boys a good run for their money. But, not

today.

RITA No.

PAUSE

INA I wish I had sixpence for every Dundee Cake I’ve made for this place.

I must have made one of these a week for coming up to twenty years.

It is … it’s nearly twenty years. That’s a lot of currents.

RITA One a week for twenty years?

INA Yes. By and large. I’ve missed the odd week or two every now and

then. There was that time I had complications with my gall stones.

PAUSE And during the war I did go and stay with my Mothers sister …

for a number of months.

PAUSE

INA But I’m sure nobody noticed. My Dundee Cake is memorable but it’s

not that memorable.

PAUSE

RITA I’ve finished the napkins.

RITA HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN




INA If you ever need to talk. I’m always here.

BURST OF BOYS SHOUTING AND SINGING FROM OFFSTAGE

RITA Thank you Aunty Ina.

RITA EXITS TO THE KITCHEN – SID ENTERS WITH PORTABLE RECORD

PLAYER AND CARD TABLE

SID They’ve all gone loco?

INA They’re young. You were too once.

SID I was born middle aged.

SID HEADS TO THE STAGE AND SETS UP THE RECORD PLAYER ON THE

CARD TABLE

INA That’s not the way I remember it. I recall the Jenkins boys cutting quite

a swathe through the country girls.

SID Is that right?

INA Oh yes, Sid and Ivan Jenkins - everybody wanted to dance with them.

SID Ivan was pretty good on his feet wasn’t he?

INA He could make you twice the dancer you were. He had that magic

touch. He could convey the step just with the way he held you. A

glance, a look, the slightest suggestion and you were moving as one.

Oh yes he was good on his feet - he was pretty good off them too.

SID Ina!!

INA You’re no mean dancer yourself.

SID I don’t dance.

INA I know you don’t dance, but you should.




SID I don’t have time for dancing.

INA You and Tessa made a great couple.

SID Oh yeah.......

INA You were happy then, Sid you just don’t want to admit it.

SID She didn’t like farming and she didn’t like children, after that there

wasn’t a lot to talk about!

INA Come on, every woman likes children!

SID No they don’t Ina. Some don’t. When she got the chance to shoot

through she took it. I’m glad she did, I wouldn't have trusted her with

my little girl any way.

INA What a pair - spouseless - both of us.

SID Ivan didn’t run away.

INA No. I know that. I still miss him.

SID Yeah. Well you can thank Hitler for that.

INA Oooh, we mustn’t be maudlin on a day like today.

SID No, it’s not every day a star is born.

INA Or your only daughter announces her engagement.

SID Her what!?

INA Her engagement....

SID That little bugger ....

INA Didn’t he ask ya.......?

SID He’s asking for it alright.....Where is he? I’ll bloody kill him.




JILLIAN AND RITA ENTER LAUGHING CARRYING A PAIR OF BLOOMERS AND

BOTTLE OF GIN.

JILL Look what we found in the cloakroom?

RITA Are these yours Ina??

SID Jillian! What’s all this about you announcing your engagement?

JILL What?

SID You heard!

JILL Jack spoke to you and I thought....

SID Thought what? That you’d get engaged.

JILL Yes but......

SID Well you’re wrong.

JILL He did ask you, didn’t he?

SID Yes. And I said no!!

JILL You said No?

INA Sid!

JILL Dad!!!

SID No!

JILL I don’t believe it.

SID Don’t you go turning on the water works girlie.

JILL But Dad we were going announce it at the dance. It was going to be

perfect - the gang were gonna be here and.......




SID Didn’t you hear me? I said no. HE EXITS

JILL Oh Dad – you’re so fifties!

INA Rita put the zip on. Now Jillian listen to me,

JILL He always does this to me......

INA I know, he does - - he thinks he’s doing the right thing. Don’t worry

about your Father, I’ll sort him out.

JILL Thanks Auntie Ina

INA I won’t be long. SHE EXITS

RITA These things all work out for the best.

JILL How can you say that?

RITA Got to listen to your Dad, eh? SHE EXITS

JILL Not this time I don’t.

END OF SCENE 5




SCENE 6

THE ARCHIE, PINKIE AND JACK CRASH IN THE BACK DOOR.

ARCHIE I’ll tell ya … when we’re big … we won’t forget the little people.

JILL Jack I want to talk to you.

PINKIE/ARCHIE Ooo!

ARCHIE Here’s trouble!

PINKIE Why are they called the Bobbin Robbins?

ARCHIE Because they wear Robin Hood hats and when they play their heads

bob.

PINKIE Oh!

JACK Jillian, I talked to your Dad and.....no go.

JILL I know he just told me.

JACK I tried my best Jill, but I can’t marry you without his permission, can I?

JILL Yes you can, I’m over the age of consent. We could just do it

ourselves.

JACK What in a Registry Office?

JILL Auntie Ina and Uncle Ivan did.

JACK That was during the war - a lot of people were in a hurry then.

JILL Well I’m in a hurry now. I want to run away with you, get married and

never come back.

JACK You don’t mean that.

JILL I do mean it. I want us to elope.




JACK Elope?

JILL Lets do it tonight - after the dance.

JACK Look Jill, it’s not a good idea. You can’t do this to your Father.

JILL Yes I can, he doesn’t care and neither do I.

RITA ENTERS

RITA Did you want anything Jack?

JACK Eh?

RITA From the Zip.

JACK The Zip?

RITA Zips boiled - did you want a cuppa?

JACK Oh, Yeah thanks. White. With three. RITA EXITS

ARCHIE Come on Jack - even the lead guitarist of the Archie Moore trio has to

pull his weight.

JACK We’ll talk about this later

JILL There’s nothing to talk about. JILL EXITS

END OF SCENE 6




SCENE 7

THE BOYS PUT UP DECORATIONS

JACK What needs doin’ then, Arch?

ARCHIE Nothing. I was just getting you out of Jail, mate.

PAUSE

JACK Jill wants to tie the knot.

ARCHIE That’s great. Congratulations, Jack.

JACK No its not as simple as that Arch.

PINKIE Good on ya Jack. Can I come to the Stag night?

ARCHIE Eh?

PINKIE You know the stag night. The big party the night before they announce

the engagement.

JACK Archie!

ARCHIE The Stag party is the night before the wedding.

PINKIE The stag party?

ARCHIE Yeah.

PINKIE The one where we cover him in golden syrup and shave his nuts.

ARCHIE Yeah.

JACK Arch, I’ve got a problem.

PINKIE It’s a good name for a band though.

ARCHIE What is? ‘The Nuts’?




PINKIE No. ‘The Stags’.

ARCHIE Pinkie shuttup about the name ...’The Stags’! That’s not bad.

PINKIE Yeah, ‘The Stags’.

JACK Jill wants to elope.

ARCHIE I thought you said she wanted to get engaged!

JACK Sid doesn’t want me.

PINKIE He might do if we were called The Stags.

JACK Sid doesn’t want me to marry Jill. That’s why she wants to elope.

ARCHIE I see.

PINKIE My word

JACK It gets worse Y’see there’s this...aaahhh.....has a woman ever..... has

she ever told you.....y’know.... ......that you’ve.........have you evermade .......

ARCHIE Spit it out, Jack, you’re killing us.

JACK Pregnant. Have you ever........

ARCHIE NO! No. Have you? .......You have!

JACK Have you?

ARCHIE No! Not that I know of. Mind you that Johnson kid is looking a bit

familiar.

JACK Eadie Johnsons’ little one?

PINKIE Did you do it with Eadie Johnson?

ARCHIE Just once. It was dark. I was pissed.




PINKIE You desperate beggar!

ARCHIE At least I’ve done it, you virgin!

PINKIE I’ve done it before.

ARCHIE I’m talking about with somebody else.

PINKIE Be better than Horse Face Johnson.

ARCHIE Don’t call her Horse Face.

JACK Cut it out, you two.

ARCHIE Does Sid know?

JACK What about?

ARCHIE Come on Jack, about getting........

JACK No!

ARCHIE Just as well! What are you gonna do?

JACK What do you think I should do?

ARCHIE Look, Jack, you’ve gotta do the right thing. You’ve gotta marry her.

BEAT She can come on the road with us. Anyway you’re made for

each other.

JACK D’you reckon?

ARCHIE Mate, You’re Jack and Jill.

JACK Jill!

PINKIE Eadie Johnson - BRAYS LIKE A HORSE She’s a paper bag job.

Ooh Archie....Ooooooh Archie......Give it to me Archie. ....




ARCHIE Come here you little toerag. Now not a word of what Jack told us to

anyone.

PINKIE Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ok Archie.

RITA ENTERS

RITA Teas up you boys - we’ve got raspberry buns!

PINKIE Woohoo! HE EXITS

ARCHIE You’re a good girl Rita - you’ll make some man a good wife, one day.

HE EXITS

RITA You coming Jack?

ARCHIE Come on mate, cup of tea will sort you out.

JACK Ta.THEY EXIT TO SUPPER ROOM

PINKIE Eadie Johnson ooooo SLAP!

END OF SCENE 7




SCENE 8

SID ENTERS LOOKING FOR JACK.

SID Jack, Where the hell are ya? Jack!

PINKIE ENTERS

PINKIE Somebody call? ... HE MAKES SURE HE IS ALONE - THEN SETS UP

A CHAIR AND MEASURES OUT THE DISTANCE FROM DOOR TO

WHERE THE WOMEN SIT, DURING THE DANCE. HE GETS

HIMSELF READY -Relax!...... ......eye contact......3 2 1..fast .... fast!!!!!!

HE PRACTICES CATTLE RUSH THEN TRIES OUT HIS OPENING

LINES Yeah! Right.......Would you like to......na. Would you care

to .......na na..... would you like for the next dance with me? What?

Would you like me to .........oh no .......Oh no......umm umm - just get up

and dance will ya. STARTS WITH THE GAY GORDONS MOVES

RITA ENTERS UNSEEN BY PINKIE.....forward 2 3 kick, back 2 3

tap .....PAUSE. what’s next? - I’m never going to get this.

RITA What are you doing?

PINKIE Rita!

RITA Practising your steps?

PINKIE I’m never gonna get this.

RITA Is this your first time.

PINKIE Yeah.

RITA It’s really easy.

PINKIE I know, my brain tells me it is but my feet aren’t so sure.

RITA Your brother been coaching you has he?

PINKIE How’d you guess?

RITA What’s he taught you?




PINKIE Well this one’s the Gay Gordons and Auntie Ina taught me the waltz.

RITA How’d you get on with the waltz?

PINKIE Quite good, but I don’t think my feet were actually on the floor.

RITA That’d be right. She’s a strong girl.

PINKIE These dances are alright but is this all they play?

RITA They play the twist - you can do the twist?

PINKIE No!.

RITA Pinkie, If you’re gonna be a rock and roll star you gotta know how to

twist. Follow me. Now imagine you’ve thrown a cigarette butt onto the

floor. Now you’re putting it out with your foot.

PINKIE Like this?

RITA Yeah. Now change to the other foot. that’s good. You’ve got therhythm already. Better than your brother. Now imagine you’re drying

your bum with a towel.

PINKIE Pardon?

RITA Like this. PINKIE WATCHES RITA TRANSFIXED BY HER HIPS

-Pinkie, why’ve you stopped?

PINKIE No reason DANCES AGAIN.

RITA That’s it. You’ve got it.

PINKIE No kick 2 3 - or counting or anything?

RITA No, You’ve got it.

PINKIE Thanks Rita.




RITA My pleasure.

PINKIE You’re much better at this than Archie or Jack. BEAT Hey guess what?

RITA What?

PINKIE No I can’t

RITA What?

PINKIE No I can’t - I said I wouldn’t

RITA Oh come on, Pinkie

PINKIE Jack’s knocked a girl up.

RITA Has he?

PINKIE Guess who?

RITA Who.

PINKIE Who do you think? - Jill.

RITA Jill?

PINKIE Who else?

RITA Is that right?

PINKIE Yeah,

RITA How do you know?

PINKIE Jack told us,

RITA Jill’s pregnant!?

PINKIE But don’t say anything.




RITA The bastard.

PINKIE Nobody else knows.

SID (OFF) Jack!! Where are ya?

RITA Are you sure nobody else knows.

SID ENTERS LOOKING FOR JACK

SID Where’s Jack? I’m gonna send him into next week. Pinkie - have you

seen Jack?

PINKIE He’s.......he’s......No.

RITA He’s in the kitchen.

PINKIE No no no! He came out of the kitchen. He’s up the ....... up the .....ah

up the duff.

SID What? Where is Jack?

RITA He’s in the Kitchen Sid.

PINKIE Oh Jack? Yeah he’s in the kitchen - he’s having a cup of tea. SHOUTS

Jacks!! having a cup of tea, Sid! And a bun - not in the oven. The bun

is definitely not in the oven.

SID What did you say?

PINKIE Nothing. I didn’t say nothing. Not a word.

SID Up the duff? Bun in the oven? What are you saying?

PINKIE Nothing!

BEAT

SID JACK!!!!!!! SID EXITS TO SUPPER ROOM




PINKIE Whoops!

ENTER JACK FOLLOWED BY SID

JACK Settle down Sid!

SID I’ll settle you down. SID THUMPS JACK

JACK Sid let me explain.........

SID I’m gonna chop your bollocks off, you bugger.

JACK Look you don’t understand......

SID I understand alright..

THEY EXIT FAST AS ARCHIE, AND JILL ENTER

JILL What’s going on?

PINKIE Nothing. I didn’t say nothing. Not a word.

ARCHIE Have you let the cat out of the bag?

PINKIE He squeezed it out of me.

ARCHIE Pinkie you fool!

JILL Squeezed what out?

ARCHIE Jack’s told us.You sit down and put your feet up. You want to take iteasy.

PINKIE Shall I boil some water?

JILL What are you talking about?

ARCHIE We know about your passenger!

JILL My what?




ARCHIE Your half fare.

JILL What are you saying?

RITA They know you’re up the duff!

JILL What?

ARCHIE Jack told us.

JILL No I’m not. I can’t be - I’m saving myself.

RITA What?

ARCHIE Look Jack definitely said he got a sheila up the duff.

JILL Well its not me!

ARCHIE Oh shit! BEAT If you’re not then who?

INA ENTERS

INA Did you boys leave the top off the septic tank?

ARCHIE Why?

INA Sid’s fallen in.

PINKIE If he finds the other boot its mine!

INA He’s drowning! Come on! - THE BOYS EXIT - THE GIRLS GO TO

FOLLOW.....Not you Rita - not in your condition.

ALL FREEZE - BEAT

PINKIE I didn’t tell her.

JILL She’s the telephone operator - she knows everything.




SQ CHAPEL OF LOVE

INTERVAL.




ACT TWO

SCENE ONE - THE DANCE HALL AT NIGHT

AS THE LIGHTS ESTABLISH WE FIND SID ONSTAGE

SID Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the Ohoka Country Club. Please

take your partners for a foxtrot and enjoy the silky stylings of Mr Fred

Astaire.

SID PLAYS THE RECORD OF “CHEEK TO CHEEK” – HE HOLDS THE

MICROPHONE THE SPEAKER BOX OF THE PORTABLE RECORD PLAYER.

THE ACTORS ENTER FROM STAGE LEFT AND ENTER DANCING WITH

silhouettes. THEY DANCE FORMALLY AND IN UNISON. AT SOME POINT JILL

AND RITA EXIT. THEY RETURN WITH JILL PURSUING RITA THEY WORK

THERE WAY THROUGH THE DANCERS. THE SET CHANGES AROUND THEM

AND THEY ARE REVEALED IN THE CARPARK. THE DANCERS HAVE MADE

THEIR WAY OF STAGE RIGHT. AS THE SET CHANGE CONCLUDES THE FRED

ASTAIRE FADES OUT UNDER THE NEW SCENE




SCENE 2 – CARPARK

JILL You cow! How could you do that to me?

RITA Why don’t you ask Jack?

JILL Don’t you talk to me about Jack.

RITA What, you think Jack didn’t want to?

JILL Don’t you mention his name, you vixen.

RITA Don’t you call me a vixen- You prude -

JILL You harlot!

RITA You snob.

JILL You tart.

RITA You fridge!

JILL Fridge?!!

RITA Its not my fault that you don’t come across to your boyfriend. You’re

made of ice!

JILL You trollop!! Just because I don’t spread my legs for the first pair of

trousers I see.

RITA Wake up Jillian - If he doesn’t get it at home - he’s gonna shop around.

JILL Yeah and he got a real bargain with you didn’t he?

RITA Are you calling me cheap?

JILL You’re cheaper than cheap - you’re a giveaway.

RITA Oh, You dried up spinster! - why don’t you just sew it up?




JILL Ooh! You’re evil! You’re an evil tramp.

RITA I don’t know what Jack sees in you. He must have the patience of a

saint.

JILL I know you, I bet you threw yourself at him.

RITA I didn’t have to. He was beggin for it.

JILL He wouldn’t do that to me. He wouldn’t.

RITA He did.

BEAT

JILL I bet it’s not his.

RITA Of course it’s his. There’s no one else.

JILL Who are you kidding? When you die they’ll bury you in a Y shaped

coffin.

RITA There’s no one else.

JILL Oh come on slut face. Everyone knows you give it away.

RITA I’ll give it to you. I’ll tear your throat out you cow!

THEY FIGHT. STYLISED FIGHT USING LIPSTICKS, HANDBAGS AND SHOES AS

WEAPONS. FINISHES WITH JILL SMEARING LIPSTICK ON RITA’S FACE AND

RITA RETALIATING. PINKIE AND ARCHIE ENTER AND THEY BREAK THEM UP.

ARCHIE Hey, Hey that’s enough! Calm down. Settle down.

PINKIE There’s no need to........

ARCHIE Hey that’s nasty -

PINKIE Its all fun until someone loses an eye.




ARCHIE Pinkie, pick that girl up. PINKIE GRABS JILL - THE GIRLS ARE

PULLED APART BUT WITH DIFFICULTY.

JILL Let me at that poxxy slut!

PINKIE Now, now.

RITA Come here, you bitch!

ARCHIE Now we don’t want to say something we’re going to regret later.

JILL You pus ridden tart!

ARCHIE Like that.

RITA Come here, Shirley Temple I’ll tear your frigging eyes out. FINAL

LUNGE AT EACH OTHER AND THE BOYS HAVE DIFFICULTY IN HOLDING THEM

APART.

ARCHIE Pinkie, take her inside, get a cup of coffee. PINKIE AND JILL LEAVE

JILL You whore -

PINKIE Come on Jill,

JILL Rita’s a whore - get it for free here.

PINKIE You don’t mean that..

JILL Yes I do. She’s a whore. She’s a whore. She’s pox ridden whore.

THEY HAVE GONE.

RITA GRABS JILLS SHOES AND BAG AND THROWS THEM OFF AFTER HER.

YELLING TO HER. RITA STNDS PANTING AND BEDRAGGLED.

ARCHIE My word … The sights you see when you haven’t got ya gun! ... You

alright?

RITA Oh, you know. I’ll be fine.




ARCHIE Course you will. Course you will. Do ya want to go back in?

RITA In a minute. I’ll let her cool off.

ARCHIE Let her cool off - Yeah, very wise. I need a drink. Do you want a tipple?

RITA Eh?

ARCHIE Yeah, I’ve got a little mothers ruin in the boot of my car.

RITA You’d better not let Sid catch you with that.

ARCHIE What do you mean officer - its only orange! You in?

RITA I’d love one.

PAUSE HE OPENS BOOT AND GETS DRINKS

ARCHIE Good old Jack eh?

RITA Yeah.

ARCHIE Dark horse.

RITA He is a bit.

ARCHIE So. PAUSE When does he shoot the coop?

RITA Pardon?

ARCHIE You know, when is the ball out of the scrum?

RITA The what?

ARCHIE When does the first five join the back line?

RITA Are you asking me when I’m due?

ARCHIE Am I? Yes. When are ya .......due?




RITA December

ARCHIE December. Capricorn. Like, Jesus. Nice.

RITA What do you mean nice?

ARCHIE Well, I dunno. Help me out here. You’ve put us all in a bit of a

situation, haven’t ya?

RITA It’s not just me. Its Jack too you know. Its not gonna be a virgin birth.

ARCHIE I never thought it was.

RITA Don’t you start. Does everybody think I’m a slut?

ARCHIE No no.

RITA Do they?

ARCHIE No. ......... not everybody.

RITA Oh God.

ARCHIE I think you’re alright.

RITA Good.

ARCHIE I don’t care if they do think you’re a slut. I think you’re alright. SHE

LOOKS AT HIM. What did I say?

RITA Do you think that Jack’s alright? Does everybody talk about Jack

behind his back. Do they all say that he’s loose?

ARCHIE It’s different for him.

RITA Why?

ARCHIE Cos he’s a joker.




RITA Oh I see. So he sleeps around and he’s one of the boys and I sleep

around I’m a slut!!

ARCHIE What are you saying?

RITA My reputation gets ruined and his reputation thrives - he’s one of the

boys - the big hero. Good on ya Jack. Got you some on the weekend

did ya? Got your end away did ya? You beauty! But if I do it -

everybody’s whispering .... There goes the slut, there goes the whore.

She’s loose - she’ll do it with anybody. It pisses me off.

ARCHIE You feel quite strongly about this don’t ya.

RITA I don’t do it with everybody.

ARCHIE I can testify to that.

RITA I haven’t done it much at all. It’s just that I have done it.

ARCHIE So - the big question is......are you gonna keep um ..ah yeah, tricky,....

are you gonna keep the.... are you gonna keep the ball after the match?

RITA Mind ya business.

ARCHIE Fair enough.

RITA I should get rid of it. Be done with it. Why not? What the hell does Jack

care? He wants to marry Jill.

ARCHIE Well, I dunno, eh. His John Thomas might have wandered on this

occasion - but he’s a good bloke. I think he’ll do the right thing.

RITA What ever that is. I’m surprised he’s even here tonight.

ARCHIE Sid’s told him he’s gotta sort it out. Besides he’s gotta be here to play

for Johnny King.

RITA Well he wouldn’t miss that.




ARCHIE Look, the two of you have got into a bit of trouble. The two of you. But

Jack, And you’re not gonna like this, Rita. Jack’s the one. Jack’s gonna

have to choose. I know what I’d do.

RITA What?

ARCHIE Well, if I got you .......... I’d marry you.

RITA No you wouldn’t.

ARCHIE Yes I would! I’d be happy to. I want to - In fact, even if you weren’t … I

might … y’know … I could be persuaded.

RITA Archie, I didn’t want this to happen.

ARCHIE I’ve seen the way look at him. I’m no mug. I’d watch you dancing while

we played. Try and catch your eye. But you always have your eye on

the guitar man.

PAUSE

RITA It wasn’t supposed to happen. He offered to drive me back into town. Itwas after one of these dances. It was late. Everyone else had gone.

Jill had left with Sid. You know what it’s normally like when you drive

back - everyone’s laughing and saying what went on. Who

disappeared into the carpark with who?

ARCHIE Yeah.

RITA Well, it wasn’t like that. It was quiet. We hardly spoke. I think we both

knew. We pulled up outside the nurses hostel and just sat there. Not

speaking. But not leaving either. He kissed me. I kissed him back.

And before we knew it.

ARCHIE I’m with ya.

RITA Well anyway that was it. You know the rest. We’ve hardly spoken

since. I couldn’t face Jill at first. We knew we shouldn’t but it just felt

right.




ARCHIE Do you want another?

RITA Pardon?

ARCHIE Do you want another gin?

RITA Better not.

ARCHIE How about a pint of gin and a hot bath?

RITA You’re wicked.

ARCHIE Not wicked enough though eh?

WE HEAR FROM THE HALL SID’S MUFFLED VOICE

RITA I’d better clean myself up.

ARCHIE Yeah you look a real mess! SHE HITS HIM - Come on I’m going in for

a dance. THEY EXIT TO HALL -

END OF SCENE 2




SCENE 3 - DANCEHALL

JACK AND PINKIE ENTER FROM SUPPER ROOM - JACK LOOKS ANXIOUSLY TO

REAR DOOR

PINKIE Jack, you’ve gotta help me.

JACK Haven’t you got that bird yet?

PINKIE I can’t even get across the floor.

JACK Have one of mine. I’ve got more than I can handle.

ARCHIE ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT

ARCHIE Hey boys. Pinkie. Casanova.

JACK What’s going on out there Arch?

ARCHIE They’re baying for your blood mate. Gee its filled up in here. Any sign

of Johnny King?

PINKIE Not yet.

ARCHIE How’re you going Pinkie?

PINKIE No good.

ARCHIE Haven’t you had a dance yet?

PINKIE Not as yet.

JACK I thought you had your eye on that......blonde bird DESCRIBES

SOMEONE IN AUDIENCE

PINKIE No. I saw this big guy get there first. So I sat that one out.

ARCHIE Who’s your reserve?




PINKIE I’ve got me eye on the brunette with ..........DESCRIBES SOMEONE

ELSE IN AUDIENCE.

ARCHIE Really? I prefer it when they shave their legs.

PINKIE No. she’s shaved, that’s a rash.

ARCHIE Oh yeah! I’ve got my eye on the one with...........ETC ETC

PINKIE Oh right.

JACK Do you remember the drill?

PINKIE I’ve written it down.

JACK Yeah, good on ya.

PINKIE No I have. Right READING FROM A PAPER - Quick pick, eyes, fast,

don’t be cheeky, not the charity cases. That it?.

ARCHIE You’re adopted aren’t ya?

SID Ladies and Gentleman - Please take your partners for the Supper

Waltz.

SID PLAYS THE RECORD OF DORIS DAY’S “QUE SERA SERA”

ARCHIE Here we go!

THE MUSIC PLAYS AND THE BOYS GO INTO SLOW MOTION MOVING ACROSS

THE FLOOR AND APPROACHING THE PEOPLE AS MENTIONED. HALF WAY

ACROSS PINKIE GETS AN ERECTION WHICH HE TRIES TO PUSH DOWN AND

THEN DOES THE INVERTED BANANA FOR THE MAIN DOOR.

PINKIE Aaarchieee!!!!!

ARCHIE WHAAAAT!

PINKIE NOOOOOO!!!!!!




ARCHIE Pinkie!!!!!

JACK Pinkie!! JACK AND PINKIE EXIT TO CARPARK.

ARCHIE Pinkie...........Oh bugger ya. HE THEN GOES AHEAD AND ASKS THEWOMAN HE DESCRIBED TO DANCE. THEY DANCE - IMPROV. -

THE DANCE ENDS AND ARCHIE TAKES PARTNER BACK TO SEAT.

ARCHIE Thank you very much, Josie. You must be a really good dancer

because they’re all gonna give you a round of applause.

.......AUDIENCE CLAPS WE HOPE.

SID Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen we will now take a break while

supper is served.

JACK ENTERS FROM CARPARK.

JACK Archie, he’s not coming back.

ARCHIE I think I’m in there mate. Who?

JACK Your brother. He’s outside.

ARCHIE Aah He just needs a little dutch courage. I’ll sort him out. I tell you I

think I’m in. EXIT ARCHIE

INA ENTERS FROM SUPPER ROOM

INA Jack, Are you wanting any supper? You’d better quick. Those

Rangiora boys are ripping into those sausage rolls.

JACK No I’m not too hungry Ina.

INA Lost your appetite. About time. How’s your eye now? You took quite a

thumping there.

JACK Yeah, Sid was quicker than I thought.

INA Well he did train as a boxer.




JACK I wish I’d known that this morning.

INA So, what are you going to do?

JACK I wanna do the right thing. I really do. But was is that? Do I marryRita? But, if I do that - I hurt Jill - but I’ve already done that. And on

top of that there’s bloody Archie Moore. The Archie Moore Trio. I’m

screwed.

INA Why did you do it?

JACK Bloody hell, Ina … I don’t know.

INA I’m not judging you Jack. But if you can answer that - you’ll know what

to do. SHE EXITS BACK TO SUPPER ROOM

JACK EXITS TO CARPARK. THE CURTAINS CLOSE

END OF SCENE 3




SCENE 4 - CARPARK

ARCHIE ENTERS LOOKING FOR PINKIE

ARCHIE Pinkie! Where are ya. You little toe-rag.

PINKIE I’m not here.

ARCHIE Oh Pinkie.

PINKIE I’m not coming out.

ARCHIE Don’t be so hard on yourself.

PINKIE I’m definitely not coming out.

ARCHIE I’m sorry.

PINKIE I’m not doing so good, Archie.

ARCHIE Yeah. I can see that. Its alright though, because in a few weeks when

we are jamming on stage with Johnny King, you’re gonna have to beatthe sheila’s off with a big stick.

PINKIE Is that right, Archie?

ARCHIE That’s right Pinkie, a big bloody stick. Pinkie, we are going to the

moon, we are gonna play them all: The Laredo Nitespot – New

Zealand’s mecca of dancing, the Del Rio Ambulance Hall. And, the big

one…

PINKIE No.

ARCHIE Yes – the Timaru Sound Shell.

PINKIE Oooh.

ARCHIE I tell ya, Pinkie, if we play our cards right, we could end up with our own

radio show on 3ZA.




PINKIE But, hasn’t Jack buggered all that up?

ARCHIE No, no he hasn’t. I’ve waited too long for this. Even if he does end up

marrying one of them he can still come on this tour. I’ll make him. And

that’ll give us enough time to find someone else. But I don’t want to talkabout it - we’ll jinks it. Let’s celebrate! We’ve got gin, sherry,

blackberry nip…

PINKIE I like blackberries.

ARCHIE That’s for the Sheilas, mate.

PINKIE Oh?

ARCHIE They drink it with lemonade. You’d better start off slow. You just need

enough to settle your nerves. You’ll be wanting a Wards. Liquid Gold.

POURS BEER FROM FLAGON

PINKIE A big stick eh?

ARCHIE A big bloody stick. Hail Hail Rock and Roll. Cheers.

PINKIE Cheers.

ARCHIE Don’t tell Mum.

THEY DRINK.

JILL ENTERS

JILLIAN Can I have one of those?

PINKIE Jill!

ARCHIE You won’t want a beer though -

PINKIE Would you like a blackberry and lemonade........

JILL I want a beer.




PINKIE Fair enough.

SILENCE AS JILL DOWNS THE BEER IN ONE GO.

PINKIE Nice night.....

JILL D’you reckon?

PINKIE No I didn’t mean that......

ARCHIE I think Pinkie was referring to the weather.

JILL I know that. Give me another drink.

ARCHIE Fair enough.

JACK.ARRIVES

JACK Jill. Good, do you know where Rita is?

JILL Why are you feeling randy?

JACK Jill......I just wanna sort this out. Have you seen her?

JILL Why don’t you stand in the middle of the carpark and look for the one

that’s rocking.

JACK Do you know where she is? TO THE BOYS

ARCHIE She said she was going in for a dance.

JILL Oh, I remember now I saw her in the coffee lounge chatting someone

up .

PINKIE Who was it?

JILL The Glenmark forward pack.

ARCHIE Steady on Jill.




PINKIE Oh bugger I didn’t bring my autograph book.

JILL I don’t know where she is Jack. Have you looked down your pants.

BEAT

ARCHIE What about them All Blacks eh? I don’t fancy the Springboks chances

in the next test.

PINKIE No. ......Manawatu nearly knocked them over.

ARCHIE They did .......yep.....they did......

BEAT

JACK I’m so sorry Jillian.

JILL Oh, that makes it alright then.

JACK I didn’t want this to happen.

JILL Why did it then?

JACK It just happened.

JILL Is that it?

JACK What?

JILL Aren’t you supposed to say it meant nothing. It was a one off. It’ll never

happen again. I still love you..........Well go on.

PAUSE

JILL You’re not gonna say that, are ya?

PAUSE

ARCHIE I wouldn’t be surprised if they beat them by 20 points.




PINKIE At least 20.

ENTER RITA.

JILL Well look what the cats dragged in.

RITA Archie are you gonna be leaving soon?

ARCHIE No, no I can’t. Johnny King hasn’t arrived yet.

JILL Rita, your dress is all creased at the front. What is that? Carpet

burns? You been on your knees?

RITA Jill. You’re still up! Isn’t it past your bedtime - God knows you need

your beauty sleep.

JILL That’s it you cow......

JACK Right that’s enough. Cut it out. This is hard enough as it is. Look, I’ve

screwed things up.

JILL We all know that.

JACK When Rita rang me yesterday I froze. I didn’t know what the hell I was

going to do. But everybody else seems to know. Everybody’s been

telling me to do the right thing. And the right thing is to face up to your

responsibilities. I made a mistake, and now I’m gonna put it right.

PINKIE Cos, its the putting right that counts.

ARCHIE Shut it, Pinkie.

JACK So. I’m sorry Jill … but I can’t marry you. I have to marry Rita. It’s the

right thing to do.

JILL No, Jack.....we can still … you don’t have to do this.

JACK Yes I do.

JILL What about me?




JACK I’m sorry Jillian.

JILL What about all our plans?

JACK Jill, they were your plans.

JILL No, they were our plans. You don’t have to do this. We have our whole

future mapped out.

JACK I’m sorry Jillian.

JILL You love me.

JACK I’m sorry Jillian. I have to do the right thing.

JILL Alright. Alright. I forgive you. We’ll never mention it again. We’ll run

away from here. We’ll elope. We’ll run away. Won’t we Jack?

SILENCE

JACK No, we won’t Jillian.

JILL Nooooo!!! SHE EXITS

ARCHIE Pinkie, keep an eye on her will you? PINKIE EXITS - BEAT -

I think you handled that quite well. That could have gone a lot worse.

JACK Could it?

ARCHIE Oh yeah. Well done mate.

JACK Thanks Arch. It wasn’t easy.

ARCHIE No. I’m impressed. You took it on the chin and sorted it all out. Good

on ya.

JACK Ta.

ARCHIE Hey!




JACK What?

ARCHIE You did get engaged after all. Just not to the one you thought.

JACK It’s a funny thing, life.

ARCHIE Very funny. Do you want a beer.

JACK Don’t mind if I do.

RITA Excuse me!

ARCHIE Oh sorry … do you want a beer?

RITA Are you gonna ask me?

JACK What?

RITA Are you going to ask me to marry you?

JACK I thought I had.

RITA No.

JACK Well, didn’t you just hear me now.

RITA You still have to ask.

JACK TURNS TO ARCHIE

ARCHIE Cor. Women!

JACK So will ya marry me?

RITA No.

JACK Eh? We have to. You’re pregnant. I’m the father. You’re the mother.

We have to get married.




RITA No, we don’t .

JACK Yes, we do.

RITA I’ll bring it up myself.

JACK Why? Why won’t you marry me?

RITA I don’t want you to marry me because you made a mistake. It didn’t

feel like a mistake for me. Oh, to hell with ya. I’d sooner bring it up

myself.

JACK I’m just trying to do the right thing!

RITA Well, its not the right thing for me.

JACK Make up your mind!

RITA I have. Bugger off.

SHE LEAVES

ARCHIE Didn’t see that coming. Did you see that coming?

JACK I can’t win.

ARCHIE Jack, If you married Rita. Would you have come away with the band?

JACK I don’t think I could, Arch. I’d be raising a family.

ARCHIE Yeah. That’s what I thought. Its an ill wind that blows no good, then.

JACK Well, yeah.

ARCHIE You’ll just have to settle for being a rock and roll star, mate.- She’s a

Mod - She’s a Mod - She’s a Mod - yeah yeah yeah.

THEY EXIT - ARCHIE SINGING -




END OF SCENE 4




SCENE 5 - THE DANCE HALL

SID ENTERS FROM BACK DOOR CARRYING A CRATE OF FLAGGONS

INA ENTERS WITH THE TICKET BOX AND SUPPER FOR HIM

INA Where did you get that lot?

SID They think I don’t know about the pond.

INA Will it never end Sid. I’ve kept this aside for you. Sandwiches and

Dundee cake. Your favourite.

SID You shouldn’t have.

INA Your welcome.

SID No really - you shouldn’t have. What’s in these sandwiches?

INA Fish paste. Just eat the cake.

SID Any sign of that Johnny King lad?

INA Not that I’ve seen.

SID I’ll be surprised if he even shows. Probably a good thing too.

INA How do you mean?

SID Johnny King is a ‘has been’ one hit wonder. He’ll have them playing

run down flea pits to bugger all crowds and they’ll never get paid. He’ll

rip them off blind. Are these raisins?

INA Yes?

SID Well, this raisin’s got wings.

INA Show me!

SID No I can’t - he’s just flown off.




INA Sidney Jenkins....you’re wicked!

SID Gotta keep you on your toes.

INA What a night eh? I’ll be glad to put my feet up.

SID It’s been a bit of a night alright. I knew it was going to be a bad one

when I fell in the septic tank.

INA Yes, that was a bit of an omen.

SID And what with Jack’s shenanagans.....I’ll be glad to see the back of it.

INA Yes.

SID How’s Jill?

INA She’s taking it very well.

SID They’ve broken it off - have they?

INA Oh yes, I saw Jillian in the Ladies.

SID I was right all the time. I’m not one to say I told you so. But I did.

INA You’ll have to let her go one day, Sid. She’s a pretty girl. She won’t be

long on the shelf.

SID Still there’s no need to rush these things.

INA No one could accuse you of that.

SID What do you mean?

INA You could have married again.

SID And make the same mistake twice.




INA It isn’t always a mistake. Some people can be happy. Those that want

to be.

SID What are you saying?

INA You’re a miserable bugger, Sid Jenkins. I think you enjoy being

unhappy.

SID I do not.

INA You do. You love it.

SID Well that’s got to do with Jillian getting married?

INA You don’t want Jillian to get married - Its not because you don’t like

Jack. No one will be good enough for her. You don’t want her to leave

home because you don’t want to be lonely.

SID Be buggered, woman - I’m not lonely! I lead a very rich and fulfilling

life.

INA Oh yes, so tell me about your rich fulfilling life?

BEAT

SID Alright. I will. I’m on the committee of the Amberley Drainage Board.

I’m a life member of the Sefton Lion’s Club. I’m up for Treasurer next

year!

INA And?

SID I’m thinking!

INA You’re lonely

SID I’m not lonely.

INA You are but you don’t have to be. BEAT The answer is right under

your nose. SHE EXITS




ARCHIE ENTERS FROM THE SUPPER ROOM AND IS CROSSING TO THE

WOMAN HE DANCED WITH

ARCHIE Gidday, Sid.

SID Archie, can I have a word.

ARCHIE Sure

SID Archie would you describe me as miserable?

ARCHIE Eh?

SID Tell me, am I miserable??

ARCHIE No Sid, you’re the sweetness and light in all our lives.

SID SID STARTS TO LOSE IT Why can I never get a bloody straight

answer from anyone around here. So, what are you saying: I am

miserable!?

ARCHIE No. I wouldn’t say miserable.

SID What would you say.

ARCHIE Cantankerous.

SID Cantankerous?

ARCHIE Yeah cantankerous. Blunt, surly, obdurate.

SID Obdurate. What’s that?

ARCHIE You know obdurate, blunt, surly, cantankerous.

SID Obdurate, eh. But not miserable?

ARCHIE Oh no. No, not miserable. Why do you ask?

SID Something Ina said.




ARCHIE Oh right.

SID What do you mean oh right?

ARCHIE Well that’s women for ya isn’t it, they always want to change the blokes

they’ve got their eye on.

SID Eh?

ARCHIE Oh yeah, like my dad says, all the clues are in the wedding ceremony:

Everyone turns up they sing a hymn, you go up to the altar and you say

I will. I will ... altar ... hymn, I will alter him. I tell ya, we're buggered!!

SID So you reckon Ina’s got her eye on me do ya?

ARCHIE HE LAUGHS Too right, you know that. We gave up years ago taking

sweep stakes when you two were going to get together.

SID Yeah, of course you did.

ARCHIE We all know you're playing hard to get.

SID That’s right I’m playing hard to get.

ARCHIE Beg pardon Sid, I have to deliver this supper.

SID Right.

ARCHIE You see that little filly over there the one with the ......DESCRIPTION

OF AUDIENCE MEMBER

SID Yeah.

ARCHIE She’s a dead cert.

SID Is that right.

ARCHIE Ooo yeah, I’m well in there.




SID Archie?

ARCHIE Yes Sid.

SID We’ll start with Rita’s number when they come back fromsupper.

ARCHIE Okay.

SID And, Archie?

ARCHIE Yes, Sid?

SID Thanks boy.

SID EXITS

ARCHIE TO AUDIENCE MEMBER Gidday, I got you some supper. I didn’t get

you the curried eggs cos they’re a bit dodgy eh? And the sausage rolls

- go straight through ya. I got you a little fish paste sandwich that

should be safe enough. I might see you in the carpark later? Careful

of the Dundee Cake - you don’t want to lose a tooth.

ENTER RITA

ARCHIE Rita, are you still up for your song?

RITA I don’t know.

ARCHIE I’ve always wanted to back you.

RITA Okay, Arch.

ARCHIE Can we go over it before they all come back in?

ARCHIE PLAYS AND RITA SINGS “ You don’t own me “ AS THE SONG

ESTABLISHES SEVERAL ACTORS DANCE WITH DUMMIES.

DURING THE SONG JACK WALKS IN FROM THE MAIN ENTRANCE HE

WATCHES RITA AS SHE SINGS. HE GOES TO LEAVE BUT STOPS THE LIGHTS




STEAM IN FROM THE OPEN BACK DOOR AND CATCH RITA AND JACK IN A

SHAFT OF LIGHT - HE TURNS AND REALISES HE IS IN LOVE.

THE SONG ENDS RITA WALKS OUT OF THE HALL FOLLOWED BY JACK.

END OF SCENE 5




SCENE 6 - CARPARK

JILL SITS ON AN EMPTY CRATE WITH PINKIE NEAR BY. ARCHIE’S BOOT IS

OPEN – BOTH ARE TEETERING DRUNK

JILL All men are bastards.

PINKIE D’reckon?

JILL They think with their dicks.

PINKIE I’ve done that.

JILL Bastard!

PINKIE No, I’m not.

JILL Yes, ya are.

PINKIE D’you want another drink?

JILL I’ll have another gin.

PINKIE You can’t. The gin’s bin.

JILL The gin’s bin?

PINKIE It’s all gone. Do you want a Wards.

JILL Alright.

PINKIE Oh no. that’s gone too. It’ll have to be a Blackberry Nip.

JILL Ok. Got lemonade?

PINKIE Na. HER SOBS INCREASE Just sherry.

JILL HE POURS DRINKS I tell ya. I did everything right, Pinkie. By the

book.




PINKIE What book?

JILL You know! The book! The right way book.

PINKIE Oh yeah. The right way book. THEY BOTH DRINK - AND REEL ATTASTE - ITS STRONG!! That’s alright.

JILL Why me? I’m a good girl. This isn’t supposed to happen to good girls.

I’ve done everything right. I’ve been to sewing classes, I’ve been to

cookery demonstrations, I’ve got an account with the DIC, and I know

how to crochet! I was going to keep working after we got married so

we could save up for our house. I think Bishopdale’s nice. And then

when the house was perfect, we were going to have our first child. And

then we were going to have our second child. And then we weren’t

going to have anymore. That was it. Just, Janet and John. We were

going to have it all, Pinkie. We were, I would have been a bloody good

little wife.

PINKIE Don’t cry, Jill. He’s the one that’s losing out. He’s thrown it all away.

JILL Everybody hates me. It’s no fun being the dental nurse. The kids at

school all hate me. They hide when I walk through the playground. Ilove children but I always make them cry.

PINKIE Don’t, Jill. You’ll start me off.

JILL I do - I make them bawl.

PINKIE I don’t hate you.

JILL You don’t?

PINKIE No.

JILL Jack hates me.

PINKIE No he doesn’t.

JILL He does, he hates me. Why is this happening to me?




PAUSE

PINKIE Roger Hack!

JILL PAUSE What?

PINKIE You sound like Roger Hack.

JILL Who’s Roger Hack?

PINKIE Rodge. Rodge, is Bert’s boy. The butcher I work for? Bert has got this

flash van. You’d have seen it round town.

JILL Hack’s Meats and Small goods?

PINKIE That’s the one. The Anglia. Its pretty flash eh? All the mod cons.

Ashtray, rear view mirror. But the problem is you see, it’s not very big -

you can only get a couple of sides of beef in there and that’s at a

squeeze. So, Bert, reckoned the shop needed a bigger one. Well,

Rodge, was over the moon. Not so much because we were getting a

new van, but because he’d have first dibs on the old one. It’d be his.

And seeing as it was his old man’s, he’d get it really cheap.

JILL Pinkie why are you telling me this?

PINKIE Hang on. Patience. Rodge, bought steering wheel covers. Car seat

covers, Cleaning wax, the works. In his head he was already driving it

around. He’s was driving it out to the beach, he was picking up his

mates, and, seeing as it was a van he thought it would make a pretty

handy shaggin wagon. SHE SOBS beg pardon. Anyway one day, out

of the blue, when Rodge and I were grinding up the off cuts for the

sausages, Bert announces the business isn’t doing so good and I

thought, that’s it, I’m out of a job but I wasn’t out of job - Bert says, “We

can’t buy that new van. We’re hanging on to the old one.” Well.

Rodge was gutted. In his head, he already had that van. He was

buggered. And I thought, Pinkie there’s a lesson to be learned

there........?

JILL What?




PINKIE O well, I dunno. But there’s something in it.

JILL But I’ve never wanted a van!

PINKIE No I’m thinking of the whole caboodle. Something about chickens andhatching and not counting em?

JILL Is that what I’ve been doing?

PINKIE I dunno. You just reminded me of Roger Hack.

ARCHIE ENTERS

ARCHIE Hey Pinkie. Any sign of Johnny King?

PINKIE Who?

ARCHIE Johnny King! What’s wrong with you two?

JILL Nothing!

ARCHIE Hey! This Blackberry nip’s half empty! Are you two pissed?

THEY GIGGLE

JILL Blotto.

PINKIE Guilty

ARCHIE Get this stuff away - you know, we’re not supposed to have booze within

a mile of this place. And you! We’ll be playing any minute.

PINKIE I’ll be fine.

JILL He’ll be fine. VERY DRUNK

ARCHIE I thought you were looking after her.

JILL He’s doing a great job.




ARCHIE I can see that. Jeez, you’d better not let Sid see you like that. He’ll

have our guts for garters.

INA Archie, there’s a toll call for you!

ARCHIE For me?

INA No, the blonde standing behind ya - who else?

ARCHIE Yeah,good on ya - Thanks Ina. HE EXITS

INA SNIFFS What’s that smell? Is that alcohol?

PINKIE No no no its blackberry......blackberry .......yeah it is.

INA Is there sherry here too?

PINKIE Yeah yeah sorry Ina, I’ll tip it out.

INA Not before you pour me one you won’t.

JILL Auntie Ina! You’re naughty.

INA You’re pie eyed you are.

JILL I am a bit.

PINKIE Me too.

INA Aye, well, I suppose you have reason. Its not every day your future

turns to custard.

PINKIE That’s a bit hard!

JILL That’s alright Pinkie. You see, Auntie Ina, I don’t think I really wanted

that van in the first place!

INA You are pie eyed!

PINKIE No no You see Roger Hack is the butcher’s son and........




INA Shuttup Pinkie. Now get that lot into my office, I’ll deal with it later and

you young lady are going straight into the Ladies to get cleaned up - if

your father catches you - we’ll all be in trouble - now move it.

THEY EXIT

RITA ENTERS FOLLOWED BY JACK

JACK Rita, wait up!

RITA What?

JACK You were right to say no.

RITA I know I was. I’m going home, I’m tired. SHE GOES TO EXIT

JACK Rita, wait......I made a mistake.

RITA You’ve told me that!

JACK No you don’t understand.

RITA I understand alright.

JACK Look, why won’t you listen to me?

RITA I’m going home.

JACK I love you.

SILENCE!!!!!

RITA What?

JACK You heard.

RITA No I didn’t

JACK Yes, you did




RITA Say it again

JACK No.

RITA Say it again

JACK I love you(under his breath)

RITA What?

JACK I love you(under his breath)

RITA What did you say? (she copies him)

JACK Shuttup. You heard.

RITA You’ve changed your tune.

JACK No. I’m just a bit slow, that’s all.

RITA I noticed.

JACK When I saw you sing, I ...well it became clear that....you know?

RITA Yeah, I do.

JACK Will you marry me, Rita.

PAUSE

RITA Not yet. I hardly know you Jack. BEAT But I might.

THEY KISS

END OF SCENE 6




SCENE 7 THE DANCE HALL

THE HALL CHANGES AROUND THEM. WE HEAR THE LAST FEW BARS OF A

SONG. ENTER INA, PINKIE.

SID Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all for coming to the OhokaCountry Club - I trust you’ve had a good time and hope see you all here

again next Saturday night. Please take your partners for the ...........

(Last Waltz.)

ENTER ARCHIE

ARCHIE Bastard! The bloody bastard!

JACK Archie what is it?

ARCHIE I don’t believe it.

INA Bad news Archie?

ARCHIE The stinking bloody bastard.

RITA Who is?

ARCHIE Johnny King! That was him on the phone

PINKIE Where is he?

ARCHIE Waiting for the ferry at Picton.

PINKIE Did he see Bobbin Robbins?

ARCHIE Oh yeah - he saw them alright. They got really friendly. Got their

instruments out and played there in the ferry terminal. What was it?

Rocked the house out, according to Johnny.

PINKIE Wish I heard that!

ARCHIE Oh yeah. He was so impressed with them he asked the Bobbin

Robbins to support him on his forthcoming national tour.




PINKIE So, we’ll get to play with the Bobbin Robbins.

ARCHIE No you pillock. The Bobbin Robbin’s are in and we’re out.

PINKIE Out?

ARCHIE Out. Out of a job mate.

RITA Oh Archie!

INA Oh Pinkie!

ARCHIE This is typical Pinkie - just when I think I’ve finally got somewhere - old

man fortune drops his pants and farts in my face.

JACK Don’t worry Arch, she’ll be right.

SID Never mind boy, I’ve got an idea. Come up here. OVER THE

MICROPHONE Ladies and Gentlemen as a special treat the last

waltz will be a snowball waltz played by that master of the keyboards

Archie Moore.

ARCHIE MOORE PLAYS MOON RIVER. AS THE OTHER CHARACTERS STAND

AROUND THE PERIFERY SID CROSSES AND ASKS INA TO DANCE. JACK AND

RITA TAKE THE FLOOR. JILL COMES BACK AND SID CROSSES THE FLOOR TO

COMFORT JILL FOLLOWED BY PINKIE. BUT INA GETS JILLIAN AND PINKIE TO

DANCE SO SID DOESN’T SEE THE EXTENT OF JILLIAN’S DRUNKEDNESS

AT THE END ARCHIE ANNOUNCES THE SNOWBALL.

ARCHIE Ladies and Gentlemen - the Snowball! The couples on the floor will

now split and find new partners. ACTORS SPLIT UP AND SELECT PARTNERS

FROM AUDIENCE … MUSIC PLAYS Now when I shout out Snowball again - the

new couples will split and find new partners. ....Snowball etc.

AT THE END OF THE SONG ARCHIE ANNOUNCES THE GAY GORDONS

ARCHIE Before you go back to your seats - take your partners for the Gay

Gordons.




THE AUDIENCE IS PERSUADED TO DANCE THE GAY GORDONS WITH HELP

FROM ACTORS ON THE FLOOR AS WELL AS ARCHIE OVER THE MIC.

ARCHIE Ladies and Gentlemen thank you for coming out tonight – and before

we all head out into this Canterbury night - Lets Twist!!

BAND PLAYS TWIST AND SHOUT AND IN THE FIRST INSTRUMENTAL

ARCHIE We hope to see you back here sometime and if you are driving home

tonight - make sure you’ve got a car! Remember the bar is open and

medical treatment is available for any of you that had the Dundee Cake.

And hey Josie - I’ll see you in the carpark!

THE BAND FINISHES TWIST AND SHOUT - AS CURTAIN CALL

THE END

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Flagons and Foxtrots Script