MOJO IN THE MORNING’S “GAY BILLY”MOJO IN THE MORNING’S “GAY BILLY”

Billy Dixon

cocktail chatter

The Caiprinha

soundcheck

bex: whaT you are

dorothy checks out

pain and gain+ iron man 3

PUBLISHERpeter rayespeter@flame-mag.com

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CONTRIBUTORSrobert brunoalysha CalamiaJai FerrickKelly garciarichard Klaiss Jr.Jim o’ConnollSteven palmered SikovJai Skydorothy “Joan” StevensonZack Zakar

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Copyright © 2013. Flame, LLC.all rights reserved. printed in the u.S.a.

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may 2013

8BEx: wHAT YOu AREsoundcheck

Bex wrote “What You Are” while battling a personal struggle with confidence. she was trying to produce the follow-up to her debut club track, “Life of the Party”; a song that climbed the Billboard club charts and rocked gay dance floors across the nation last summer …

16pAIN & GAINAt the Movies With dorothY

Who would have known that Michael Bay, director of “Pain and Gain”, actually had a sense of humor? For the better part of the past twenty years, his high-budget produc-tions like “Armageddon,” “Pearl harbor,” and the “transformers” films have always …

18IRON MAN 3At the Movies With dorothY

tony stark (robert downey Jr.) is unlike superman or the dark knight; for those heroes the suit is their true person. so you know how Bruce Wayne is caught up inside his own alter ego Batman - the dark knight is Bruce Wayne, not vice-versa. the same is the case for superman, who hides and blends in among us as …

20THE CAIpRINHAcocktAiL chAtter

“Portuguese is easy,” chipper explained. “All you do is speak spanish through your nose.” hilarity ensued. “that’s so bogus,” craig managed to get out through heaves of laughter. the other boys – dan, Paolo and me – were too convulsed to say any-thing. “no, really!” chipper insisted, and he proceeded to …

mmichigan’s Premier LGBT Lifestyle & Entertainment ichigan’s Premier LGBT Lifestyle & Entertainment mmagazineagazine

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Ton

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we

contents12BILLY dIxONMoJo in the MorninG’s “GAY BiLLY”

Let’s start with basics, Where are you from? And how many years young are you? i’m born and raised in royal oak. A true Lady never tells her age, but if you really wanna know, i’m a fabulous 29, as of March 2. Pisces are the best! …

may 2013 may 20134 5

may 2013

8BEx: wHAT YOu AREsoundcheck

Bex wrote “What You Are” while battling a personal struggle with confidence. she was trying to produce the follow-up to her debut club track, “Life of the Party”; a song that climbed the Billboard club charts and rocked gay dance floors across the nation last summer …

16pAIN & GAINAt the Movies With dorothY

Who would have known that Michael Bay, director of “Pain and Gain”, actually had a sense of humor? For the better part of the past twenty years, his high-budget produc-tions like “Armageddon,” “Pearl harbor,” and the “transformers” films have always …

18IRON MAN 3At the Movies With dorothY

tony stark (robert downey Jr.) is unlike superman or the dark knight; for those heroes the suit is their true person. so you know how Bruce Wayne is caught up inside his own alter ego Batman - the dark knight is Bruce Wayne, not vice-versa. the same is the case for superman, who hides and blends in among us as …

20THE CAIpRINHAcocktAiL chAtter

“Portuguese is easy,” chipper explained. “All you do is speak spanish through your nose.” hilarity ensued. “that’s so bogus,” craig managed to get out through heaves of laughter. the other boys – dan, Paolo and me – were too convulsed to say any-thing. “no, really!” chipper insisted, and he proceeded to …

pho

ToS

by

Ton

y Lo

we

contents12BILLY dIxONMoJo in the MorninG’s “GAY BiLLY”

Let’s start with basics, Where are you from? And how many years young are you? i’m born and raised in royal oak. A true Lady never tells her age, but if you really wanna know, i’m a fabulous 29, as of March 2. Pisces are the best! …

may 2013 5

07.26.2013 - 07.28.2013Events: www.redemptionparty.comTickets: redemptionparty.eventbrite.com

Pocono Mountains, PA

07.26.2013 - 07.28.2013Events: www.redemptionparty.comTickets: redemptionparty.eventbrite.com

Pocono Mountains, PA

FLAM

E //

soun

d ch

eck

bexwhat you are

written by Jim O’Connoll

pho

ToS

by

miK

e r

uiZ

How do you deal with the pressures of the spotlight?

I live for it! Truthfully, it is totally what feeds me. As much as I rehearse on my own time, once in front of an audience, something changes. I do things instinctively that I never would have come up with otherwise. I also find it important to appreciate life outside of the spotlight. I make sure I have time to do normal things like grocery shopping, watching trashy reality TV, spending time with family and friends. Living my life outside of my music makes me feel a part of a bigger picture.

What’s the meanest thing that has been written about you?

(Laughing) There’s been a lot! Believe it or not, someone posted on my video for “Life of the Party” that they hope everyone in the video dies! Clearly, they were not a fan.

How did you react to that?

I was really shocked because it was completely out of left field! So psychotic.

Do you read all of your comments?

I do end up seeing a lot of comments people write, and it is what it is. Not everyone’s gonna like you. Some people don’t like you and they haven’t even heard your music or watched a video. They are just out to hate. The initial shock of some of the more vicious comments does actually hurt, but eventually I’m able to find a way to laugh it off and come back to reality. All part of the fun of having a job where you put yourself out there!

Still, being a celebrity shouldn’t mean you have to be subjected to bullying.

The web can be mean but it can also be a platform for so much good, such as bringing major issues to the forefront and supporting charities.

What’s your message to gay fans struggling with their own idea of ‘what they are’?

I cannot begin to pretend to know what it’s like to struggle with sexuality. I do know what it’s like to feel different, and to feel like you don’t fit in. Truth is, I like feeling that way. I think we should all take pride in our own identities, and enjoy not being like the majority or not being what others expect us to be. Sticking with like-minded people is the way to go for us. I tell all

my friends and fans to surround yourself with people who respect you for you.

Because being different is cool today, wouldn’t you agree?

Yes, if being different is “what you are”, then you are one of the lucky ones. The world is craving uniqueness today, so bring it!.Visit BexMusic.com

facebook.com/bex

@TweetBex

@BexMusic (instagram)

youtube.com/BexWorldVideos

Bex wrote “What You Are” while battling a personal struggle with confidence. She was trying to produce the follow-up to her debut club track, “Life of the

Party”; a song that climbed the Billboard club charts and rocked gay dance floors across the nation last summer. It did so well, Bex became a victim of her own success. She wanted her next track to be even better than the first, yet wasn’t sure she could accomplish it. She focused so much on the end result; she became crippled on how to begin.

Then a friend, noticing Bex’s conflict, off-handedly mentioned how striving for perfection is “just so boring”. Bex found it funny and painfully true. She wrote her friend’s thoughts down and then began drafting lyrics about how being put on a pedestal from her debut track felt phony. From there, “What You Are” was born. It releases to radio and dance floors this month.

While writing your new track, did you discover who you are, Bex?

I learned I’m just a New York girl with a mind that won’t quiet and a body that spontaneously dances.

What do you love most about being Bex?

I love that question. We spend so much time criticizing each other and dwelling on the negative; it’s good to consider what you actually like about yourself. So, let’s see… I love that I’m creative and imaginative.

As a club artist, are you expected to fit a certain mold?

Definitely. There are times I wish I were taller. Those tall girls get to wear really chic, fashionable clothes that look dumb on me. Sadly, though, I’m not gonna grow anymore, so it is what it is. At the end of the day, my looks shouldn’t matter. What matters is that my music makes people dance.

may 2013 may 20138 9

FLAM

E //

soun

d ch

eck

bexwhat you are

written by Jim O’Connoll

pho

ToS

by

miK

e r

uiZ

How do you deal with the pressures of the spotlight?

I live for it! Truthfully, it is totally what feeds me. As much as I rehearse on my own time, once in front of an audience, something changes. I do things instinctively that I never would have come up with otherwise. I also find it important to appreciate life outside of the spotlight. I make sure I have time to do normal things like grocery shopping, watching trashy reality TV, spending time with family and friends. Living my life outside of my music makes me feel a part of a bigger picture.

What’s the meanest thing that has been written about you?

(Laughing) There’s been a lot! Believe it or not, someone posted on my video for “Life of the Party” that they hope everyone in the video dies! Clearly, they were not a fan.

How did you react to that?

I was really shocked because it was completely out of left field! So psychotic.

Do you read all of your comments?

I do end up seeing a lot of comments people write, and it is what it is. Not everyone’s gonna like you. Some people don’t like you and they haven’t even heard your music or watched a video. They are just out to hate. The initial shock of some of the more vicious comments does actually hurt, but eventually I’m able to find a way to laugh it off and come back to reality. All part of the fun of having a job where you put yourself out there!

Still, being a celebrity shouldn’t mean you have to be subjected to bullying.

The web can be mean but it can also be a platform for so much good, such as bringing major issues to the forefront and supporting charities.

What’s your message to gay fans struggling with their own idea of ‘what they are’?

I cannot begin to pretend to know what it’s like to struggle with sexuality. I do know what it’s like to feel different, and to feel like you don’t fit in. Truth is, I like feeling that way. I think we should all take pride in our own identities, and enjoy not being like the majority or not being what others expect us to be. Sticking with like-minded people is the way to go for us. I tell all

my friends and fans to surround yourself with people who respect you for you.

Because being different is cool today, wouldn’t you agree?

Yes, if being different is “what you are”, then you are one of the lucky ones. The world is craving uniqueness today, so bring it!.Visit BexMusic.com

facebook.com/bex

@TweetBex

@BexMusic (instagram)

youtube.com/BexWorldVideos

Bex wrote “What You Are” while battling a personal struggle with confidence. She was trying to produce the follow-up to her debut club track, “Life of the

Party”; a song that climbed the Billboard club charts and rocked gay dance floors across the nation last summer. It did so well, Bex became a victim of her own success. She wanted her next track to be even better than the first, yet wasn’t sure she could accomplish it. She focused so much on the end result; she became crippled on how to begin.

Then a friend, noticing Bex’s conflict, off-handedly mentioned how striving for perfection is “just so boring”. Bex found it funny and painfully true. She wrote her friend’s thoughts down and then began drafting lyrics about how being put on a pedestal from her debut track felt phony. From there, “What You Are” was born. It releases to radio and dance floors this month.

While writing your new track, did you discover who you are, Bex?

I learned I’m just a New York girl with a mind that won’t quiet and a body that spontaneously dances.

What do you love most about being Bex?

I love that question. We spend so much time criticizing each other and dwelling on the negative; it’s good to consider what you actually like about yourself. So, let’s see… I love that I’m creative and imaginative.

As a club artist, are you expected to fit a certain mold?

Definitely. There are times I wish I were taller. Those tall girls get to wear really chic, fashionable clothes that look dumb on me. Sadly, though, I’m not gonna grow anymore, so it is what it is. At the end of the day, my looks shouldn’t matter. What matters is that my music makes people dance.

may 2013 may 20138 9

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Let’s start with basics, Where are you from? And how many years young are you?

I’m born and raised in Royal Oak. A true Lady never tells her age, but if you really wanna know, I’m a fabulous 29, as of March 2. Pisces are the best!

What’s your home life like?

My Home life is awesome. Coming out was never a problem for my parents. They knew I was gonna be fabulous and gay since I was born and support me no matter what!

Are you dating? What’s your type?

I’m always open to dating a cool laid-back guy. I really don’t have a “type” per se, but I do like a guy that’s as cute as me and can make me laugh.

Funny, I’m currently a “twintern” on Mojo in the Morning, which you’re on... Now how did they nickname you “Gay Billy?”

First off, I love that you’re a “twintern.” I heard about you and your brother

through Producer Rachel, and I can’t wait to come into studio when they give me another segment to do, so I can meet the both of you. “Gay Billy” started when I got nominated last year to be in the segment “Find Producer Rachel’s Next Gay Hairdresser.” To be honest, I almost didn’t do it but I came in and slayed the other competitors. Then after I won, They loved me so much that they continued using me for opening day of the Tigers, reading passages of “Fifty Shades of Grey” on air, they also let me be apart of the Misfit Olympics, Halloween Show and many other fun on air round-table topics to be a part of the discussions. They opened so many doors for me and made me a fun character and name on the show. I really thought I was gonna get bashed for being coined “Gay Billy,” but listeners have really liked me and write the nicest things on social media! It was such a blessing.

Besides me, who’s your idol?

My Idol will always be the late Steven Anthony, who was one the greatest hairdressers around Detroit. He trained me and I assisted him for 2 years at the salon until he passed. There was a point where no one wanted to hire me but he did and never gave up on me! He became a 2nd dad and I miss him everyday!

What do you do with your free time?

Drink Jack Daniels…Travel, and I just love art! I have also worked on Community theater shows around the area, which is pretty fun!

What do you do for a living? What’s that like?

I currently work at 6 Salon in Downtown Royal Oak. It’s a great atmosphere and my bosses George, Jonny, and Tommy treat me great and I’m learning something new everyday there. My co-workers keep such a friendly surrounding and clients that come into 6 are the best!

What was your best moment on the job?

I used to do Miss Michigan, Lindsey Tycholiz’s, hair in 2009. When she came in people would go crazy. I also was a part of the hairdressing team for the Pistons Dancers for 5 seasons. I loved those girls, so that was pretty neat. I pretty much feel like I go to art class every day and that in its own is always a great feeling!

Is there anything the readers don’t know about you?

My Bark is a lot harder than my bite. People tend to say their first impression of me is a little standoffish or bitchy, which is so ridiculous because I’m just a funny jackass! I’m always down for great surroundings and great people to be around me! I’m really not the Phi Phi O’hara (villian of “Rupaul’s Drag Race” Season 4) that people make me out to be!

Who are the biggest celebrities you’ve met? Do you have a dream celebrity you’d like to meet?

I met Perez Hilton in LA. He actually is really quiet and more “show” when he’s in the light. Really subdue and not what you would think at all when you meet him. I also met Sean Kingston, when I was in studio one day at Mojo in the Morning and he was really cool. I would love to meet Russell Brand one day because I think he is just brilliant!

What’s your philosophy?

“Intimidation is my motivation.” Don’t let anyone make you feel less than who you are. Be yourself and that will take you far!

Thank you Billy! .

Billy Dixon

MOJO IN THE MORNING’S “GAY BILLY”written by: Zach Zakar

pho

ToS

by

Ton

y Lo

we

may 2013 may 201312 13

Let’s start with basics, Where are you from? And how many years young are you?

I’m born and raised in Royal Oak. A true Lady never tells her age, but if you really wanna know, I’m a fabulous 29, as of March 2. Pisces are the best!

What’s your home life like?

My Home life is awesome. Coming out was never a problem for my parents. They knew I was gonna be fabulous and gay since I was born and support me no matter what!

Are you dating? What’s your type?

I’m always open to dating a cool laid-back guy. I really don’t have a “type” per se, but I do like a guy that’s as cute as me and can make me laugh.

Funny, I’m currently a “twintern” on Mojo in the Morning, which you’re on... Now how did they nickname you “Gay Billy?”

First off, I love that you’re a “twintern.” I heard about you and your brother

through Producer Rachel, and I can’t wait to come into studio when they give me another segment to do, so I can meet the both of you. “Gay Billy” started when I got nominated last year to be in the segment “Find Producer Rachel’s Next Gay Hairdresser.” To be honest, I almost didn’t do it but I came in and slayed the other competitors. Then after I won, They loved me so much that they continued using me for opening day of the Tigers, reading passages of “Fifty Shades of Grey” on air, they also let me be apart of the Misfit Olympics, Halloween Show and many other fun on air round-table topics to be a part of the discussions. They opened so many doors for me and made me a fun character and name on the show. I really thought I was gonna get bashed for being coined “Gay Billy,” but listeners have really liked me and write the nicest things on social media! It was such a blessing.

Besides me, who’s your idol?

My Idol will always be the late Steven Anthony, who was one the greatest hairdressers around Detroit. He trained me and I assisted him for 2 years at the salon until he passed. There was a point where no one wanted to hire me but he did and never gave up on me! He became a 2nd dad and I miss him everyday!

What do you do with your free time?

Drink Jack Daniels…Travel, and I just love art! I have also worked on Community theater shows around the area, which is pretty fun!

What do you do for a living? What’s that like?

I currently work at 6 Salon in Downtown Royal Oak. It’s a great atmosphere and my bosses George, Jonny, and Tommy treat me great and I’m learning something new everyday there. My co-workers keep such a friendly surrounding and clients that come into 6 are the best!

What was your best moment on the job?

I used to do Miss Michigan, Lindsey Tycholiz’s, hair in 2009. When she came in people would go crazy. I also was a part of the hairdressing team for the Pistons Dancers for 5 seasons. I loved those girls, so that was pretty neat. I pretty much feel like I go to art class every day and that in its own is always a great feeling!

Is there anything the readers don’t know about you?

My Bark is a lot harder than my bite. People tend to say their first impression of me is a little standoffish or bitchy, which is so ridiculous because I’m just a funny jackass! I’m always down for great surroundings and great people to be around me! I’m really not the Phi Phi O’hara (villian of “Rupaul’s Drag Race” Season 4) that people make me out to be!

Who are the biggest celebrities you’ve met? Do you have a dream celebrity you’d like to meet?

I met Perez Hilton in LA. He actually is really quiet and more “show” when he’s in the light. Really subdue and not what you would think at all when you meet him. I also met Sean Kingston, when I was in studio one day at Mojo in the Morning and he was really cool. I would love to meet Russell Brand one day because I think he is just brilliant!

What’s your philosophy?

“Intimidation is my motivation.” Don’t let anyone make you feel less than who you are. Be yourself and that will take you far!

Thank you Billy! .

Billy Dixon

MOJO IN THE MORNING’S “GAY BILLY”written by: Zach Zakar

pho

ToS

by

Ton

y Lo

we

may 2013 may 201312 13

written by Richard Klaiss Jr.

Who would have known that Michael Bay, director of “Pain and Gain”, actually had a

sense of humor? For the better part of the past twenty years, his high-budget productions like “Armageddon,” “Pearl Harbor,” and the “Transformers” films have always strained to give audiences an excess of bang for their buck, but you never got the sense that he could tell a joke. This smart, scaled-down new direction feels fresher than his usual cocktail of fireballs and bombast. With “Pain & Gain”, this surprising true-crime comedy, Michael Bay has finally decided to lighten up a bit. “Pain and Gain” is Michael Bay’s lowest-budgeted film since “Bad Boys” (2005). He, Mark Wahlberg,

and Dwayne Johnson all took pay cuts to keep the budget down, but you could not tell in

Based on the stranger-than-fiction true story of the Sun Gym Gang of Miami, Pain & Gain is the surreal story of three Florida gym rats that hatch a scheme to kidnap and shake down one of their wealthy personal-training clients, Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub). The ringleader of this scheme ringleader of this scheme ringleader of this scheme ringleader of this scheme ringleader of this scheme is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel Lugo, an ambitious Lugo, an ambitious Lugo, an ambitious Lugo, an ambitious Lugo, an ambitious Lugo, an ambitious bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression own personal expression of the American dream of the American dream of the American dream of the American dream of the American dream of the American dream of the American dream of the American dream of the American dream made flesh. It’s the kind made flesh. It’s the kind made flesh. It’s the kind made flesh. It’s the kind made flesh. It’s the kind made flesh. It’s the kind made flesh. It’s the kind made flesh. It’s the kind made flesh. It’s the kind of character that’s right of character that’s right of character that’s right of character that’s right of character that’s right of character that’s right in Mark Wahlberg’s in Mark Wahlberg’s in Mark Wahlberg’s in Mark Wahlberg’s in Mark Wahlberg’s in Mark Wahlberg’s in Mark Wahlberg’s in Mark Wahlberg’s wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming pounds for the filming of this film.of this film.of this film.of this film.of this film.of this film.of this film.of this film.

You would have to be a moron to buy anything that the delusional dreamer has to sell, but this is Miami in the 1990’s. Anything sounds plausible if you have got enough cocaine in your system, running through your bulging veins. Daniel finds a couple of willing thick-necked co-conspirators in his fellow trainer Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie, who actually manages to make shriveled-testicle and erectile-dysfunction jokes funny) and the Jesus-freak ex-con Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson). Together they plot this scheme, which quickly backfires thanks to a string of idiotically bad decisions. The three body builders eventually realize their dream for a moment in time, then in a surprising turn of events things go from bad to worse.

Ed Harris shows up about halfway into the movie as Ed Du Bois, a retired private detective, who is the only person who believes Victor Kershaw’s insane story, and he lends a nice addition to the picture. With the outrageous nature of the story it almost seems impossible, so we are reminded a few times that this really is the true story. By sticking so true to facts, the film ends up feeling a bit unbalanced, a little too long and eventually wearing the audience out.

The film, written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, is cleverly told from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get from shifting points of view, so that we get voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters voice-overs from each of the characters recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn recounting what crazy and absurd turn of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even of events are happening next. Even they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own they cannot seem to believe their own stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of stupidity, at times. For the first half of the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated the film; this has a fizzy, kicky, caffeinated energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with energy, this works beautifully. But as with the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the steroids and blow that fuel the film, the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & the high eventually subsides. “Pain & Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Gain” proves that once again, Michael Bay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliverBay can deliver.

4 / 5 stars

IN THEATERS ApRIL 26, 2013

Mark Wahlberg aS danieL Lugo

dWayne Johnson aS pauL doyLe

anthony Mackie aS adrian doorbaL

rebel Wilson aS ramona eLdridge

ken Jeong aS Johnny wu

pain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gainpain and gain

ayne Johnson

nthony Mackie oorbaL

ebel Wilson eLdridge

en Jeong Johnny wwu

nthony Mackie oorbaL

ebel Wilson eLdridge

ayne Johnson

nthony Mackie

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oorbanthony Mackie

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and Dwayne Johnson all took pay cuts to keep the budget down, but you could not tell in the least bit.

Based on the stranger-than-fiction true story of the Sun Gym Gang of Miami, Pain & Gain is the surreal story of three Florida gym rats that hatch a scheme to kidnap and shake down one of their wealthy personal-training clients, Victor Kershaw clients, Victor Kershaw clients, Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub). The (Tony Shalhoub). The (Tony Shalhoub). The (Tony Shalhoub). The (Tony Shalhoub). The (Tony Shalhoub). The (Tony Shalhoub). The ringleader of this scheme ringleader of this scheme ringleader of this scheme ringleader of this scheme is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel is Mark Wahlberg’s Daniel Lugo, an ambitious Lugo, an ambitious Lugo, an ambitious Lugo, an ambitious bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his bodybuilder who sees his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his ripped physique as his own personal expression of the American dream made flesh. It’s the kind of character that’s right in Mark Wahlberg’s wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had wheelhouse. He had bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 bulked up to 212 pounds for the filming of this film.of this film.of this film.

You would have to be a moron to buy anything that the delusional dreamer has to sell, but this is Miami in the 1990’s. Anything sounds plausible if you have got enough cocaine in your system, running through your bulging veins. Daniel finds a couple of willing thick-necked co-conspirators in his fellow trainer Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie, who actually manages to make shriveled-testicle and erectile-dysfunction jokes funny) and the Jesus-freak ex-con Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson). Together they plot this

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IN THEATERS ApRIL 26, 2013

Mark Wahlberg aS danieL Lugo

dWayne Johnson aS pauL doyLe

anthony Mackie aS adrian doorbaL

rebel Wilson aS ramona eLdridge

ken Jeong aS Johnny wu

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written by Richard Klaiss Jr.

“Iron Man 3” is exactly what the “Iron Man” franchise needed; this film

gave the franchise a badly needed kick.

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is unlike Superman or The Dark Knight; for those heroes the suit is their true person. So you know how Bruce Wayne is caught up inside his own alter ego Batman - The Dark Knight is Bruce Wayne, not vice-versa. The same is the case for Superman, who hides and blends in among us as Clark Kent, but being mankind’s savior is actually his true destiny. On the other hand, Tony Stark has a different story; the suit does not define him, but we all know who he is. During “Iron Man 3,” Stark is faced with a few personal issues of his own. Basically, whenever he hears the words New York (referring to last

summers box office hit “The Avengers”) it puts him into a nervous panic attack. He thoroughly relies on his Iron Man suit to save him during these situations. But when the suit is stripped away by The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley), he is forced to face things both physically and mentally, and is set out to fix himself. He then once again becomes exactly what he truly is – a mechanic.

It is hard to tell what the bad guy, The Mandarin (Ben guy, The Mandarin (Ben guy, The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley), and his sidekick Kingsley), and his sidekick Kingsley), and his sidekick Kingsley), and his sidekick Kingsley), and his sidekick Kingsley), and his sidekick Aldrich Killian (Guy Aldrich Killian (Guy Aldrich Killian (Guy Aldrich Killian (Guy Aldrich Killian (Guy Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for the human race, creating the human race, creating the human race, creating the human race, creating the human race, creating the human race, creating the human race, creating the human race, creating the human race, creating the human race, creating advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, advance human beings, although to what exact although to what exact although to what exact although to what exact although to what exact although to what exact although to what exact although to what exact although to what exact although to what exact end I’m not sure. There end I’m not sure. There end I’m not sure. There end I’m not sure. There end I’m not sure. There end I’m not sure. There end I’m not sure. There is talk about “owning is talk about “owning is talk about “owning is talk about “owning is talk about “owning is talk about “owning is talk about “owning is talk about “owning the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey goes on a journey that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and

what he is, even when he is stripped of his hardware and his home.

The spectacular start of the film is when Starks’ cliff-top mansion is destroyed, forcing Stark to go solo on what is a very personal quest: to avenge the near-death of his top security chief (Jon Favreau), hospitalized in an explosion caused by non other than The Mandarin.

Letting the world believe he is dead, Stark heads to snowy Tennessee to follow a lead, with being deprived of any support, both physical and emotional; this could be due to a fight he had with now live-in girlfriend Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) that took place moments before his mansion was destroyed.

With all of his characters protective layers shown – literally since he has lost his suit – he starts to face up to his vulnerabilities, finding help from unexpected quarters, mainly in the form of a lonely eight-year-old boy and Iron Man fan, Harley (Ty Simpkins).

This strong cast also includes Rebecca Hall as a scientist with back history with Stark and just like almost everyone in this film she has an ongoing fight with an identity issue, a theme that gives an intelligence and coherence to the movie that was entirely lacking from “Iron Man 2.”

As a spectacle, the picture delivers the goods with some very well choreographed action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try action, although wisely it does not try and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the and top the mayhem as seen in the “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man “Avengers.” Needless to say Iron Man saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in saves the day, although it is not exactly in the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.the way you might have expected.

“Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in “Tony Stark will return,” but how and in what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and what possible way is all left up to my and your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely your imagination. However, it is unlikely to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron to be as breathtakingly original as “Iron Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as Man 3,” which leaves it being defined as the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very the perfect superhero movie that is a very entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” entertaining addition to the “Iron Man” franchisefranchisefranchisefranchisefranchisefranchisefranchisefranchisefranchise.

5 / 5 stars

IN THEATERS MAY 3, 2013

robert doWney Jr.aS Tony STarK /iron man

gWyneth PaltroW aS pepper poTTS

rebecca hall aS maya hanSen

guy Pearce aS aLdriCh KiLLian

ben bettany aS JarviS (voiCe)

iron man 3iron man 3iron man 3iron man 3iron man 3iron man 3iron man 3iron man 3iron man 3

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/iron manney Jr.

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summers box office hit “The Avengers”) it puts him into a nervous panic attack. He thoroughly relies on his Iron Man suit to save him during these situations. But when the suit is stripped away by The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley), he is forced to face things both physically and mentally, and is set out to fix himself. He then once again becomes exactly what he truly is – a mechanic.

It is hard to tell what the bad It is hard to tell what the bad It is hard to tell what the bad It is hard to tell what the bad It is hard to tell what the bad It is hard to tell what the bad guy, The Mandarin (Ben guy, The Mandarin (Ben guy, The Mandarin (Ben guy, The Mandarin (Ben guy, The Mandarin (Ben guy, The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley), and his sidekick Kingsley), and his sidekick Kingsley), and his sidekick Aldrich Killian (Guy Aldrich Killian (Guy Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying Pearce), are really trying to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves to achieve, but it involves a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for a DNA “upgrade” for the human race, creating advance human beings, although to what exact end I’m not sure. There is talk about “owning the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but the war on terror” but how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not how and why is not explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man explained. Iron Man goes on a journey goes on a journey that forces him to that forces him to that forces him to confront who and confront who and confront who and confront who and

what he is, even when he is stripped of

The spectacular start of the film is when Starks’ cliff-top mansion is destroyed, forcing Stark to go solo on what is a very personal quest: to avenge the near-death of his top security chief (Jon Favreau), hospitalized in an explosion caused by non other than

Letting the world believe he is dead, Stark heads to snowy Tennessee to follow a lead, with being deprived of any support, both physical and

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IN THEATERS MAY 3, 2013

robert doWney Jr.aS Tony STarK /iron man

gWyneth PaltroW aS pepper poTTS

rebecca hall aS maya hanSen

guy Pearce aS aLdriCh KiLLian

ben bettany aS JarviS (voiCe)

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The Caiprinhawritten by Ed Sikov

the Caiprinha

1 whole Lime 1 1/2 tsp Sugar 1 tsp Lime Juice3 tbsp cachaça

slice the lime into quarters, and place the quarters pulp side up in a wide glass. add the sugar and lime juice, the mash the lime quarters down with a pestle or other similar muddler. add the cachaça and crushed ice and stir. do not remove the lime pieces from the drink; this cocktail should have a rustic quality.

“Portuguese is easy,” Chipper explained. “All you do is speak Spanish

through your nose.”

Hilarity ensued. “That’s so bogus,” Craig managed to get out through heaves of laughter. The other boys – Dan, Paolo and me – were too convulsed to say anything.

“No, really!” Chipper insisted, and he proceeded to demonstrate: “¡Buenos dias!” he cried while “¡Buenos dias!” he cried while “¡Buenos dias!”holding his nostrils shut. It was certainly adenoidal, but Portuguese it wasn’t.

“I happen to know a bit of “I happen to know a bit of Portuguese,” Paolo announced, Portuguese,” Paolo announced, “and that’s not the way you say “and that’s not the way you say ‘good day’ in Portuguese. It’s ‘bom dia.’”

“That’s what I said!” Chipper “That’s what I said!” Chipper protested to no success. “Comeme!” “Comeme!” he snarled, once again pinching his he snarled, once again pinching his nostrils and sending the rest of us nostrils and sending the rest of us into spastic fits of amusement.

We were enjoying this We were enjoying this especially inane especially inane

discussion on the Saturday evening of a lovely spring weekend at Fire Island Pines; we’d all gotten together to open the beach house and launch another glorious season of hot sand, hot men, and – as far as Chipper was concerned – hot air.

The particular topic suggested itself because I’d stopped at the amazingly well-stocked Pines Liquor Store and picked up a bottle of cachaça, the Brazilian firewater distilled from sugar cane. In Rio they practically give it away, it’s so cheap. The Pines Liquor Store charged a bit more, but it was worth it.

Cachaça is very, very strong. Drinking it neat would be asking for trouble – big-time trouble. It really must be mixed with something else to be palatable. Thus the Brazilian national cocktail, the caiprinha. (It’s pronounced KYE-pa-REEN-ya.)

To make a round of great caiprinhas, you need a lot of very juicy limes. This can be a problem in most of the United States and Canada, because in all but the warmest locations, limes are shipped to stores on the basis of their appearance, not their taste. How many times have you grabbed what looks like a perfectly ripe lime and sliced it open only to find desiccated, lifeless pulp? For this reason, I recommend that you augment your fresh limes with bottled lime juice. You’ll get whatever fresh flavor your limes will yield – and the rind is actually full of flavor and aroma – but you won’t be dependent on the probably low quality of the on the probably low quality of the fruit inside.fruit inside.

Another peculiarity of the caiprinha is Another peculiarity of the caiprinha is the fact that it’s better when the sugar the fact that it’s better when the sugar you add doesn’t dissolve entirely, you add doesn’t dissolve entirely, thereby giving the cocktail a slight thereby giving the cocktail a slight

crunch. Usually I recommend using superfine sugar when mixing drinks. (And to really milk the experience for all it’s worth, you have to say “superfine” the way the guy says “Super Fly” in the theme song from that great blaxploitation film from 1972.) But superfine sugar dissolves completely, and you don’t want that in your classic caiprinha. There should be a granular quality in each sip, if for no other reason than to remind you that you’re drinking sugar can liquor. Here’s the classic caiprinha recipe, modified to increase the lime juice by way of a bottle:

Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys’ and Girls’ Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.

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The Caiprinha

the Caiprinha

1 whole Lime 1 1/2 tsp Sugar 1 tsp Lime Juice3 tbsp cachaça

slice the lime into quarters, and place the quarters pulp side up in a wide glass. add the sugar and lime juice, the mash the lime quarters down with a pestle or other similar muddler. add the cachaça and crushed ice and stir. do not remove the lime pieces from the drink; this cocktail should have a rustic quality.

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