By Eddie McPherson

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WRITING A WILL CAN BE MURDER

By EDDIE McPHERSON

CAST OF CHARACTERS# of lines

BETTY/NETTIE CRAWFORD ...twins played by one actress. 110 Betty is an aging movie star who rewrites her will; Nettie arrives after her sister’s murder

ROSE BUTTERCUP ...............Betty’s loyal maid 55JOAN DAVIS ........................Betty’s neighbor who checks on 79

her every dayDONOVAN ...........................Joan’s boyfriend who wants to 29

secretly run away with herMILDRED/CANDICE .............twins played by one actress. 130

Candice is Betty’s favorite daughter; Mildred is the not-so-favorite

ALFRED STEPHEN LUCAS .....director who made Betty a 41 movie star forty years ago

REPORTER THREE ...............reporter who keeps Betty in 35 a positive light

PRODUCER ONE ..................produced Betty’s first movie all 36 those many years ago

BARRYMORE .......................Betty’s butler; quit ten years ago 43OFFICER GARFIELD ..............library cop who arrives to serve 145

an over-due book citation, but ends up investigating the murder

FLASHBACK CHARACTERSYOUNG BETTY ......................................................................86YOUNG PRODUCER ONE. ......................................................18PRODUCER TWO .....................................................................8REPORTER ONE ......................................................................9REPORTER TWO .....................................................................8YOUNG ALFRED STEPHEN LUCAS ..........................................12NERDY ACTOR ........................................................................5YOUNG BARRYMORE ..............................................................9YOUNG MILDRED/CANDICE ...................................................34YOUNG REPORTER THREE .......................................................8YOUNG ROSE .......................................................................15

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SETTINGTime: Sometime in the 1980s, with frequent flashbacks to the golden

age of Hollywood forty years earlier.Place: The Hollywood house of a wealthy movie star of yesteryear.

SET DESCRIPTIONBetty’s living room is in a somewhat dated, yet nicely decorated house owned by a wealthy movie star of yesteryear. A sofa, a chair, and a coffee table sit CENTER STAGE. A phonograph turntable sits on a table with drawers near the sofa. A desk with several drawers sits to one side. The entrance hall doorway that leads to the unseen front door is UP LEFT; there is a coat rack standing near it. The door leading to the kitchen is RIGHT, and the door leading to the back hall and bedrooms is LEFT. Flashback characters will always enter and exit DOWN RIGHT.

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WRITING A WILL CAN BE MURDER

ACT ONEAT RISE: Betty’s living room. BETTY ENTERS LEFT dressed excessively. She crosses to the turntable sitting on a small table. On the table, next to the turntable, is an LP record in its sleeve. She pulls the record out and places it on the turntable and music begins to play. (SOUND EFFECT: Mozart’s Requiem: Dies Irae.)BETTY crosses to the middle of the room and picks up a small bell off the coffee table near the sofa and rings it. She sits in the chair next to the sofa and leans her head on the back of the chair. ROSE ENTERS RIGHT and stands at the kitchen door wiping her hands on a hand towel.ROSE: (Businesslike, looks none too happy.) You called, Miss?BETTY: Bring me my paper, Rose.ROSE: (Throws the hand towel over her shoulder, crosses to the arm

of the sofa—which is only two feet from the chair and well within Betty’s reach—picks up the newspaper, turns, and hands it to BETTY.) Will that be all, Miss?

BETTY: (Grumpy.) Yes, yes, away, away. (ROSE turns and EXITS RIGHT to the kitchen. After a few seconds, rings the bell again.)

ROSE: (RE-ENTERS and crosses to BETTY.) You called, Miss?BETTY: My glasses, Rose. I can’t read without my glasses. (ROSE

picks up the glasses off the arm of the sofa, turns, and hands them to her. Takes them, sets them on top of the newspaper and throws her head back again.) Has anyone called?

ROSE: (Like a recording.) No, ma’am. No one has called. No one has stopped by. It has been very quiet.

BETTY: Turn off that dreadful music. (ROSE removes the needle from the record. MUSIC STOPS.) I drove to the movie studio this morning, and they refused to allow me past the front gate.

ROSE: (No emotion.) That’s sad. (Sighs.) Will that be all, ma’am?BETTY: I will tell you when that is all. (Softens a little.) Sit and talk with

me a while, Rose. Ms. Crawford is feeling a bit blue.ROSE: Whatever you say, ma’am. (Sits on the sofa.)BETTY: Rose, you have worked for me for thirty-five years, and I feel

as though I hardly know you. Tell me about yourself.ROSE: (Taken aback.) Really, ma’am? You want to hear about my life?BETTY: Not really. Let’s talk about me instead. (YOUNG PRODUCER

ONE, PRODUCER TWO, and YOUNG BETTY ENTER DOWN RIGHT for a flashback. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) It was forty years ago, and

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I was at the height of my movie career. All the major movie studios were fighting for me.

YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: (To YOUNG BETTY.) I want you for my next picture.

PRODUCER TWO: (On the other side of YOUNG BETTY.) Come make a movie with me, and I will make you a star.

YOUNG BETTY: Everyone is wanting me, me, me!PRODUCER TWO: My movie is destined to become a classic.YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: If you sign with me, you will be watched by

millions of adoring fans.YOUNG BETTY: I don’t know.PRODUCER TWO: If you sign with me, you will be watched by billions

of fans.YOUNG BETTY: I’ll think about it.YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: Trillions!PRODUCER TWO: Gazillions!YOUNG BETTY: I know how I will decide. Eeny meeny miny moe—my

mother told me to pick you. (Points to YOUNG PRODUCER ONE.) You shall produce my next movie and continue to make Betty Crawford a star!

PRODUCER TWO: But—YOUNG BETTY: (Points to PRODUCER TWO.) And you get out of my house!YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: (To PRODUCER TWO.) You heard the lady, out

of her house! (PRODUCER TWO drops his head and EXITS DOWN RIGHT. Turns back to YOUNG BETTY.) I shall see you at the studio first thing in the morning. (Kisses her hand and EXITS DOWN RIGHT as YOUNG BETTY giggles. REPORTERS ONE and TWO run ON DOWN RIGHT, holding cameras.)

BETTY: (To ROSE.) All the reporters in town were constantly vying for my attention.

REPORTER ONE: (To YOUNG BETTY.) Could I get a picture of you, Ms. Crawford? (YOUNG BETTY poses. Snaps a picture.)

REPORTER TWO: Could I get a picture of you, Ms. Crawford? (YOUNG BETTY turns and poses. Snaps her picture.)

REPORTER ONE: This picture will appear on the cover of every major magazine in the country. (Runs OUT DOWN RIGHT.)

YOUNG BETTY: (To REPORTER TWO.) And where will your pictures appear?REPORTER TWO: In a little newsletter called Chewin’ the Fat published

in Dogtown, Alabama.

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YOUNG BETTY: (Dreamily.) Dogtown, Alabama. My dreams are coming true. (REPORTER TWO runs OFF DOWN RIGHT as YOUNG LUCAS and NERDY ACTOR ENTER DOWN RIGHT.)

BETTY: (To ROSE.) It’s true I was hard to work with.YOUNG LUCAS: (To YOUNG BETTY.) For this next scene, Betty, you will

say, “Oh, John, I love you ever so much.”YOUNG BETTY: I can’t say that to him. (Points to NERDY ACTOR.)YOUNG LUCAS: Why not?YOUNG BETTY: He’s repulsive.YOUNG LUCAS: This is only rehearsal. He’ll look better after makeup.NERDY ACTOR: (Offended.) I’m standing right here.YOUNG BETTY: Out of all the handsome leading men in Hollywood,

you cast him to play opposite Betty Crawford?NERDY ACTOR: I have feelings and everything.YOUNG BETTY: I demand another leading man.YOUNG LUCAS: But Ms. Crawford—YOUNG BETTY: I have spoken!YOUNG LUCAS: (Throws up his hands.) Okay, okay, we’ll get another

leading man!NERDY ACTOR: (To YOUNG LUCAS.) Look, mister, I have a contract.

(Holds up a document.)YOUNG LUCAS: (Takes it and rips it up.) Be quiet! (Shouts OFF RIGHT.)

Someone get me an Alka-Seltzer! (Storms OFF DOWN RIGHT.)NERDY ACTOR: (Points dramatically to 1980s BETTY, angrily.) This will

ruin my career—BETTY: Talk to her. (Points to YOUNG BETTY.)NERDY ACTOR: Sorry. (Turns quickly to YOUNG BETTY.) This will ruin my

career! Do you know what you are? You are… a very mean person. (Storms OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

YOUNG BETTY: (Shouts after him.) And you are an ordinary person, and ordinary people give Betty Crawford a headache!

YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: (Runs ON DOWN RIGHT followed closely by YOUNG LUCAS.) Ms. Crawford, I am the producer of this movie, and only I can fire an actor.

YOUNG LUCAS: Only he can fire an actor!YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: I won’t stand for these tirades of yours

another day.YOUNG BETTY: You won’t have to.YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: That’s more like it.YOUNG LUCAS: That’s more like it!

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YOUNG BETTY: (To YOUNG PRODUCER ONE.) You’re fired, too.YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: You can’t mean it! (To YOUNG LUCAS.) Tell

her she can’t mean it.YOUNG LUCAS: You can’t mean it! Can you mean it? I think she

means it.YOUNG BETTY: (Points dramatically.) Out!YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: Out as in…?YOUNG BETTY: Go! Flee! Vamoose!YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: In other words…YOUNG BETTY: If you don’t get out, I will call the police.YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: Ohhh, that kind of out. (Points to 1980s

BETTY.) I will get you for this, Betty Crawford—BETTY: You’re in a flashback!YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: (Quickly turns to YOUNG BETTY.) I will get you

for this, Betty Crawford, if it’s the last thing I do. (Turns and storms OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

YOUNG BETTY: You don’t scare me! And do you know why you don’t scare me? Because you’re a nobody, and nobodies don’t scare Betty Crawford! (Turns to YOUNG LUCAS.) Why are you still here?

YOUNG LUCAS: I get it, I get it, I’m fired, too. (Turns and points to YOUNG BETTY.) I will get you for this, Betty Crawford, if it’s the last thing I do! (Turns and storms OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

YOUNG BETTY: You don’t scare me! And do you know why you don’t scare me? Because you’re a nobody, and— (To herself.) Ah, he knows the rest! (To herself.) I am Betty Crawford, and Betty Crawford always gets her way. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT dramatically.)

BETTY: (Laughs.) Oh, I was the little devil, that’s for sure. Rose, are you listening to me?

ROSE: (Wakes up.) Yes, ma’am, every boring word.BETTY: You fell asleep?ROSE: I’m sorry, Miss, but I have heard that story over and over for

the last thirty-five years. Every day you sit me down and tell me the same boring drama. You once were a big star. You were hard to work with. Blah, blah, blah.

BETTY: (Stands.) What do you mean I once was a star? I’ll have you know I am still a star. Say it! Say it quickly before I fire you on the spot. Ms. Crawford, you’re a big star, say it!

ROSE: (Has clearly been waiting a long time to say this.) I can’t say it, Ms. Crawford. You’re no longer a star. (BETTY grabs her heart.) People have forgotten you! (BETTY slumps over.) You haven’t made a movie in twenty-five years. (BETTY falls back into her chair.) I think

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I owe it to you to be honest. If I hear your stories one more time, I might just jump out a window. I was hired to clean your house and serve your meals and do whatever else you need me to do. But I wasn’t hired to hear how mean you were to the world and how pathetic your life has become. You’re a bitter, lonely old woman who doesn’t have a friend in the world except for those who hang around waiting for you to die only to see if you included them in your will!

BETTY: (Jumps out of her chair.) How dare you speak to me that way. (Picks up the bell and rings it loudly.) Barrymore! Barrymore, get in here at once!

ROSE: Barrymore doesn’t work here anymore. (YOUNG BARRYMORE and YOUNG BETTY ENTER DOWN RIGHT.) He walked out on you ten years ago because you treated him just like you treat me. Don’t you remember?

YOUNG BARRYMORE: (To YOUNG BETTY.) I am walking out on you because you have treated me just as you have treated Rose for too long.

YOUNG BETTY: Barrymore, if you leave me, I will take you out of my will. You will get nothing!

YOUNG BARRYMORE: You wouldn’t dare.YOUNG BETTY: (In his face.) Try me.YOUNG BARRYMORE: (Points dramatically to YOUNG BETTY.) I will get

you for this, Ms. Betty Crawford, if it’s the last thing I do. (Storms OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

YOUNG BETTY: You don’t scare me! And do you know why you don’t scare me? Because you’re a nobody, and nobodies don’t scare Betty Crawford! (Dramatically out to AUDIENCE.) For I am the greatest movie star the world has ever—

BETTY: (To YOUNG BETTY.) Yeah, yeah, flashback is over, honey. (YOUNG BETTY EXITS DOWN RIGHT dramatically.)

ROSE: Don’t you see? I’m the only one who hasn’t walked out on you. I have been here every step of the way. (Crosses UP LEFT. Grabs her jacket and purse off the coat rack.)

BETTY: (Concerned.) Where are you going?ROSE: I’m resigning, Ms. Crawford. You can mail my final check to my

home address.BETTY: You can’t leave me. Where will I go? What will I do?ROSE: Frankly, ma’am, I don’t give a—BETTY: How will I live without you? I need you, Rose. I need you!ROSE: (Stops.) Do you mean that?

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BETTY: Of course I do. Who will cook me those terrible omelets?ROSE: (Offended.) Goodbye, Ms. Crawford… forever.BETTY: If you walk out that door, you will never see another dime

from me.ROSE: (Turns quickly and points dramatically.) I will get you for this,

Ms. Crawford, if it’s the last thing I do! (EXITS UP LEFT.)BETTY: (Rushes UP LEFT to entrance hall opening.) You don’t scare

me! And do you know why you don’t scare me? (To herself.) Blah, blah, blah. (SOUND EFFECT: DOOR SLAMS from off UP LEFT.)

JOAN: (ENTERS RIGHT from the kitchen.) Hello, Betty.BETTY: (Turns and rushes to her.) Joan, thank goodness you have

come. Rose just walked out on me, never to return.JOAN: That’s the most terrible news I have ever heard.BETTY: Isn’t it?JOAN: I was hoping she’d cook me breakfast.BETTY: (Starts to cry.) You just don’t understand. (Throws herself down

on the sofa and cries aloud.)JOAN: (Crosses behind the sofa and gently pats BETTY on the back.)

There, there, Betty. Don’t be upset. I’ll just eat a Pop Tart.BETTY: Everyone in my life has deserted me.JOAN: I’m still here.BETTY: (Head pops up.) You are still here, aren’t you? Oh, Joan, you

have been my one true friend throughout my life. Will you be honest with me? Are you my friend because you love me or because of what you might get from my will?

JOAN: That cuts me deep. To think that you believe I’m only your friend because you may leave me a lot of money when you die.

BETTY: I’m sorry.JOAN: (Beat.) So, are you leaving me a lot of money when you die?BETTY: (Taken aback.) What?JOAN: (Realizes.) I said how about that Pop Tart?BETTY: All right. (Shouts to the kitchen.) Rose, please bring my

wonderful and caring neighbor a Pop— (Realizes.) That’s right, she’s gone. I’ll be back. (EXITS RIGHT to the kitchen.)

JOAN: (Shouts after her.) I’d like it toasted, if you don’t mind. Oh, and some coffee would be nice. (Makes sure BETTY’S gone, picks up the phone, and dials.)

DONOVAN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT holding his own phone receiver.) Hello?JOAN: Donovan? She’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

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DONOVAN: Never mind that. Have you found the will?JOAN: I’m at her house now.DONOVAN: You must find a copy before we can proceed.JOAN: I’ll look for it while she’s taking her nap.DONOVAN: How do you know she’ll take a nap?JOAN: (Holds up a small bottle.) Don’t worry. She’ll take a nap.BETTY: (From OFF RIGHT.) Here we are.JOAN: She’s coming now. (Slams down the receiver.)DONOVAN: Ow! (Shouts into the phone.) That hurt my ear! (Rushes OFF.)BETTY: (ENTERS RIGHT carrying a Pop Tart on a small plate and a cup

of coffee with a spoon.) Here we are, a nice, toasted Pop Tart for you and a hot cup of coffee for me. I would have been quicker, but that was my first time in the kitchen.

JOAN: Have a seat and relax, Betty dear. (Both sit. Points behind BETTY.) Is that picture hanging crooked? (BETTY turns to look. Pours the contents of the bottle into BETTY’S cup of coffee.)

BETTY: So it is. Fix it for me later, won’t you? (Turns back to JOAN.)JOAN: Better drink your coffee while it’s hot. Come on, now, drink it up.

What are you waiting for? (Beat.) Drink it!BETTY: Okay, okay. (Takes a sip.) Oh, my, but that is a good cup of

coffee. Joan, have I ever told you about my life? (YOUNG PRODUCER ONE, PRODUCER TWO, and YOUNG BETTY ENTER DOWN RIGHT and take their places.) It was forty years ago, and I was at the height of my movie career. All the major movie studios were fighting for me.

YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: (To YOUNG BETTY.) I want you for my next picture.

PRODUCER TWO: (On the other side of YOUNG BETTY.) Come make a movie with me, and I will make you a star.

YOUNG BETTY: Everyone is wanting… (Yawns.) …me, me, me!PRODUCER TWO: My movie is destined to become a classic. (Yawns.)YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: If you sign with me… (Yawns.) …you will be

watched by millions of adoring fans.YOUNG BETTY: (Yawns big.) I can’t do this right now.PRODUCER TWO: Neither can I, I’m so sleepy. (Yawns.)YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: (Yawning.) Let’s do this later. (They EXIT

DOWN RIGHT.)BETTY: My, I’ve become sleepy so fast. (Hands JOAN the cup.) Would

you hold this for me, please? (Throws her head on the back of the sofa and snores.)

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JOAN: (After a second, sets the coffee on the coffee table.) Betty? (Shakes her gently.) Betty, are you awake? (After a short pause, stands and begins looking around the room for the will.)

MILDRED: (ENTERS UP LEFT at the the entrance hall opening holding a suitcase. Stands for a second watching JOAN, who opens a drawer in the table and starts pulling papers from it, throwing them to the floor. Sets her suitcase down, crosses to JOAN, stands behind her and leans toward her.) Hello?

JOAN: (Startled, throws a handful of papers into the air and places her hand on her chest.) You startled me.

MILDRED: I’m sorry.JOAN: Who are you?MILDRED: I’m Mildred Crawford.JOAN: I’ve heard about you. (In one breath.) You’re Betty’s long-lost

daughter who walked out on her years ago after a quarrel, and you vowed never to return unless it was to attend her funeral.

MILDRED: (Smiles.) That’s me. And I’ve heard of you. (In one breath.) You’re Joan Davis, Mother’s nosy neighbor who stops in every day hoping to trick my mother into leaving her some money after my dear mother bites the dust.

JOAN: (Defensive.) I have been your mother’s trusted friend and neighbor for the last thirty years. Yes, I visit her every day. Every single day. Rain or shine. Monday through Friday.

MILDRED: I get it, geez. Why were you going through my mother’s drawers?JOAN: For your information, I was looking for a fork with which to eat

my Pop Tart.MILDRED: I didn’t come today to make small talk with you. I came to

see my mother.JOAN: (Points to BETTY.) There she is, dead to the world. (To herself.)

In more ways than one.MILDRED: Dead? (Runs to BETTY and shakes her wildly.) Mother?

Mother, wake up! You can’t be dead! Oh, Mother! (Throws herself on BETTY and sobs.)

JOAN: (Crosses, takes BETTY’S cup of coffee, stirs it with the spoon, and offers it to MILDRED.) Here, drink this. It’ll calm you down.

MILDRED: (Cries.) I didn’t get a chance to tell her I was sorry.JOAN: Your mother isn’t dead. She’s only napping.MILDRED: (Suddenly calm.) In that case, I’ll take it. (Takes the cup and

begins to roam the room, looking around but never taking a sip of the coffee though she stirs it continuously with the spoon.) Look at this dreadful house. I grew up in this house, you know.

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JOAN: What was it that caused you to walk out on your mother all those years ago?

MILDRED: It wasn’t a what. It was a who. (Shows a picture in a locket hanging around her neck.)

JOAN: A locket?MILDRED: The picture inside.JOAN: (Looks at the picture in the locket.) Why, isn’t that you?MILDRED: She’s my identical twin sister, Candice.JOAN: Your mother never mentioned that you and Candice were

identical twins. How nice that you keep her picture in your locket to show your deep love and attachment to her.

MILDRED: I hate her guts.JOAN: Or because you hate her guts.MILDRED: My twin sister Candice was the apple of my mother’s eye.

(YOUNG BETTY and YOUNG MILDRED ENTER DOWN RIGHT.) She could do no wrong, and I was jealous.

YOUNG MILDRED: (Holds up a card, excited.) Mother, Mother, we got our report cards today!

YOUNG BETTY: (Sarcastic, files her nails.) Whoopee.YOUNG MILDRED: It was a glorious day, dearest Mother. I got all A’s.YOUNG BETTY: (Grabs it from her hand.) Let me see that. (Reads.)

Math, A plus… Science, A plus… English, A plus… Gym, A plus… Theatre, A minus— What’s this? You got an A minus in Theatre? An A minus?! Your mother is the biggest movie star in Hollywood, and her daughter gets an A minus in Theatre?!

YOUNG MILDRED: But, Mother—YOUNG BETTY: (Turns dramatically away.) I can’t look at you. Go to

your room and think about the embarrassment you have brought to your family. Go! (YOUNG MILDRED takes the report card, drops her head, and EXITS DOWN RIGHT. Shouts out after her.) You don’t see your identical twin sister bringing home A minuses in Theatre. Your identical twin sister is a star like her mother! Where is my precious little Candice?

YOUNG CANDICE: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) You called, Mummy?

YOUNG BETTY: My precious, how was school today?YOUNG CANDICE: It was a great day, Mother, for we got our report

cards. (Holds up report card.)YOUNG BETTY: Let me see that. (Takes the card.) Math, F…YOUNG CANDICE: Keep reading.YOUNG BETTY: Science, F…

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YOUNG CANDICE: Keep reading.YOUNG BETTY: English, F…YOUNG CANDICE: Keep reading…YOUNG BETTY: Gym, F minus…YOUNG CANDICE: Keep reading.YOUNG BETTY: Theatre, A plus.YOUNG CANDICE: That’s the one!YOUNG BETTY: Oh, Candice, my precious, precious daughter, you have

made your mother so very proud. A plus in Theatre! (Hugs her.)YOUNG CANDICE: I also landed the lead in the school musical.YOUNG BETTY: This is the happiest day of my life. Call your sister in

at once so I might rub this in her face.YOUNG CANDICE: (Curtsies.) Oh, goody. (Runs OFF DOWN RIGHT and

speaks from OFFSTAGE.) Mildred, Mother wishes to speak with you. (Changes voice to YOUNG MILDRED’S.) What about? (Changes voice back.) You’ll see.

YOUNG MILDRED: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, still sad.) You wanted to see me, Mother?

YOUNG BETTY: (Holds up YOUNG CANDICE’S report card.) Mildred, do you see this? This is your twin sister’s report card. And do you see what grade your sister received in Theatre? She received an A plus. An A plus! And she landed the lead in the school musical again. And did you get a part in the musical?

YOUNG MILDRED: (Head still down.) Yes, ma’am, Third Girl from the Left.YOUNG BETTY: (Shouts.) Third Girl from the Left?! I can’t look at you.

(YOUNG MILDRED bows her head. Calls OFFSTAGE.) Oh, Candice, dear, what would you like for dinner? For we shall celebrate! (EXITS DOWN RIGHT, followed by YOUNG MILDRED.)

MILDRED: I cried myself to sleep that night. Just as I had so many nights before.

JOAN: That’s a terribly sad story. I can’t believe you got an A minus in Theatre.

MILDRED: That’s not the point.JOAN: Please hurry. I’m getting bored.MILDRED: The point is I tried my best, but my best was never good

enough for my mother.JOAN: Why are you here today?MILDRED: I have returned to make amends with her at last.JOAN: Or could it be that you heard she rewrote her will, and you have

come to see if you’re included?

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MILDRED: That is not true! (Protests too much.)JOAN: I wouldn’t count on getting any of her money if I were you. Your

mother never spoke very highly of you. Watch, and I’ll demonstrate in a quick flashback scene. (Plops down beside BETTY, who quickly sits up.) Betty, do you ever talk to Mildred?

BETTY: Who?JOAN: Mildred Crawford. Your daughter.BETTY: Oh, her. No, but I do have a sweet and beautiful daughter

Candice whom I love dearly and speak with on a daily basis. She’s the apple of my eye, the cream in my latte.

JOAN: (To MILDRED.) Anytime I brought up your sister’s name, Betty would light up like the sun. (Back to BETTY.) Candice. (BETTY sits up straight and smiles.) Mildred. (BETTY slumps and frowns.) Candice. (Sits up and smiles.) Mildred. (Slumps and frowns.) And scene. (BETTY falls back on the sofa and closes her eyes as JOAN returns to MILDRED.) You see, your mother—how do I put this nicely?—hated your guts.

MILDRED: (Starts to cry.) Why must you torture me so? (EXITS RIGHT to kitchen [and changes to CANDICE, crossing backstage to UP LEFT entrance]. JOAN rushes to the phone and dials.)

DONOVAN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with phone receiver.) Hello?JOAN: Donovan, it’s me.DONOVAN: (Sarcastic.) And here I thought it might be the queen. Have

you found the will?JOAN: I’m getting close. Listen, I was thinking. Even if Betty has left

me something in her will, I can’t get the money until she dies.DONOVAN: (Smiles ominously.) Exactly.JOAN: You’re not implying…DONOVAN: Shhh. I’ve got to go. Keep me posted. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.)JOAN: Hello? Hello? (To herself.) Surely, he can’t be serious.CANDICE: (OFFSTAGE from the main entrance hall UP LEFT.) Hello?

Anyone home? (ENTERS UP LEFT carrying a suitcase.)JOAN: (Aloud to herself.) What is this, Grand Central Station? (Rushes

to CANDICE.) Wait, didn’t you just go into the— (Points to the kitchen, then turns back to CANDICE.) I get it, you must be Candice, the identical twin sister.

CANDICE: You forgot to mention I’m the favorite twin.JOAN: My name is Joan Davis. I’m your mother’s neighbor who has

dropped in to check on her every day for thirty years just to make sure she is all right.

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CANDICE: (Sets the suitcase down.) I don’t really care. (Looks around the room.) Where’s Mother?

JOAN: (Points to the sofa.) Taking a nap.CANDICE: (To BETTY.) Wake up, Mother, for I have returned.JOAN: (Shakes BETTY’S shoulder.) Betty, wake up. There’s someone

here to see you.BETTY: (Stirs.) What? Where am I? (Sees CANDICE, rises, and stares at

her.) Candice? You have come home at last? (Gives her a big hug.) Mother has missed you so.

CANDICE: Mother, please, you’re wrinkling my blouse.BETTY: (Straightens CANDICE’S blouse.) I’m sorry, dear.CANDICE: I’m not here for long. I only dropped in for the night.BETTY: Can’t you stay for a few days and spend some time with me?

I get so lonely.CANDICE: I said I’m here for the night, and that’s what I meant.

(There’s a SCREAM from the kitchen.)BETTY: (Turns sharply.) Oh, my!JOAN: What was that? (BETTY and JOAN EXIT to the kitchen. CANDICE

makes sure they’re gone, then begins looking around as though she were searching for something important.)

CANDICE: (To herself.) It must be around here somewhere. (There’s a KNOCK from OFF UP LEFT.) Come in!

LUCAS: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Excuse me, but could you tell me if Miss Crawford is home?

CANDICE: (Continues to look around.) She’s in the kitchen.LUCAS: (Follows CANDICE around as she continues to search.) Allow

me to introduce myself. I am Alfred Stephen Lucas, the great movie director of yesteryear. Your mother and I had a falling out at first, but then made up, worked together, and the rest is cinematic history!

CANDICE: (Not looking at him.) I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m a little busy to make small talk. If you’ll excuse me, I will look in here. (EXITS RIGHT to kitchen.)

LUCAS: (Shouts after her.) But I needed to see your— (Pauses, to make sure she’s gone, then begins frantically looks around.)

JOAN: (ENTERS RIGHT with BETTY, helping a hobbling MILDRED.) Careful, dear, that was a nasty fall.

BETTY: Someone could have at least told me she was here.LUCAS: (Throws his arms out, smiling big.) Miss Crawford, it is I. Your

favorite Hollywood movie director who made you a star!

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BETTY: (Stops in her tracks and rushes to him, dropping MILDRED to the floor.) Alfred! I knew it was only a matter of time. You have returned to ask me to star in your next hit movie?

LUCAS: Yes, I have returned, but no, I am not asking you to star in my next hit movie. (Crosses to JOAN.) Are you Rose? I would like a cup of coffee, please.

JOAN: I am not the maid!BETTY: (To JOAN.) For crying out loud, it won’t kill you to get the man

a cup of coffee.JOAN: (Bitterly sarcastic.) Yes, your Majesty. (EXITS RIGHT to the kitchen.)BETTY: Mildred, get off the floor this minute, you are not a rug.

(MILDRED pulls herself upright by the arm of the sofa, then plops onto the sofa as the conversation continues. To LUCAS.) If you didn’t come to put me in a movie, then what is your purpose here?

LUCAS: I wanted to stop by to see how my old friend is doing, that’s all.BETTY: Hogwash! You’re after something, and I want to know what it is.LUCAS: I’m offended, I’m insulted, I’m hurt! I’m overwrought!

I’m overwhelmed!BETTY: And you’re overacting. (SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGS.) Get

out of my way. (LUCAS gives a mischievous look behind her back then EXITS UP LEFT to the hall.)

MILDRED: Mother, you haven’t even said hello to me.BETTY: (To MILDRED.) I know why you’re here, you little hussy. (Answers

the phone.) Hello?REPORTER THREE: (Steps IN DOWN LEFT with a phone receiver.) Is

this the once famous Betty Crawford?BETTY: I am still famous.REPORTER THREE: Whatever helps you sleep at night. Our weekend

edition is a little short on news, so we were wondering if you would mind giving an interview.

BETTY: (Flattered.) I knew my fans hadn’t forgotten me. Of course I will give you an interview. When can you be here?

REPORTER THREE: I’m just across town. Goodbye. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.)BETTY: (Takes a hand mirror off the coffee table and looks into it.

MILDRED flops off the sofa onto the floor and begins crawling to the kitchen.) What can I say? You still have it, Betty Crawford! (Kisses the mirror. There’s a KNOCK from OFF UP LEFT.) Come in!

REPORTER THREE: (Rushes ON UP LEFT and throws out his arms.) Just me.

BETTY: (Rushes to him.) What took you so long? Won’t you have a seat?

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REPORTER THREE: Thank you. (Steps over MILDRED.) Are you all right, ma’am?

MILDRED: (Sarcastic.) I’m just dandy!BETTY: (To MILDRED.) Get up from there. Those bony knees will

scratch up my hardwood floors.MILDRED: (Sarcastic.) I love you too, Mother. (Crawls OFF RIGHT.)REPORTER THREE: (Turns quickly back to BETTY.) Ms. Crawford, if we

can get started…BETTY: What is it you would like to know exactly?REPORTER THREE: It’s the question that’s on everyone’s mind.BETTY: When will I make my next hit movie?REPORTER THREE: Did you rewrite your will?BETTY: (Taken aback.) What?REPORTER THREE: (Shouts as if she were deaf.) DID YOU REWRITE

YOUR WILL?BETTY: I’ve never been so insulted in all my life. Get out of my house

at once!REPORTER THREE: I’m only trying to give the people what they want.BETTY: You’re just like all the rest! I will see to it that you never

work again!REPORTER THREE: (Stops at the entrance hall opening, points

dramatically at her.) I will get you for this, Ms. Betty Crawford, if it’s the last thing I do! (Runs OFF UP LEFT as PRODUCER ONE ENTERS.)

BETTY: (Shouting OFF to REPORTER THREE.) You don’t scare Betty Crawford, and do you know why? Because you’re a— (To herself.) Forget it, I don’t have the strength.

PRODUCER ONE: Ms. Crawford, I need a word with you.BETTY: Take a number.PRODUCER ONE: I know we have had our differences in the past, but

all that is water under the bridge. I have come here today to say I forgive you.

BETTY: You forgive me?PRODUCER ONE: If you don’t make amends with me today, I will tell

the whole world the truth about us.BETTY: You wouldn’t.PRODUCER ONE: I will tell everyone that we were once secretly

married. Flashback!YOUNG BETTY: (ENTERS quickly DOWN RIGHT with YOUNG PRODUCER

ONE.) Why must we hide our love from the world?

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YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: Every young bachelor in America is in love with you. If they found out you’re dating someone, they would stop coming to see your movies.

YOUNG BETTY: I don’t care anymore. Forget fame! Forget fortune. It’s love that really matters! (Starts to throw her arms around him.)

YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: Stop! No! Bad Betty! Baaaaad! Fame and money may not mean anything to you, but they mean plenty to me, doll.

YOUNG BETTY: How can you say such a cruel thing? You can have every penny I ever make if only you will marry me.

YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: Will you put that in writing?YOUNG BETTY: Yes, I’ll get my pen. (They run OFF DOWN RIGHT.)PRODUCER ONE: (To BETTY.) I’m sorry our secret marriage didn’t last.BETTY: We kept making our millions, but then one day you flew to

Vegas and gambled all your money away.PRODUCER ONE: I was humiliated, so I disappeared.BETTY: Get out of my house!PRODUCER ONE: (Holds up a document.) I don’t think so.BETTY: What is that?PRODUCER ONE: The contract you signed promising you’d give me

every penny you’ve earned.BETTY: (Grabs the paper.) Give me that.PRODUCER ONE: Hey!BETTY: (Rips up the paper.) Out!PRODUCER ONE: I’ll get you for this if it’s— (EXITS UP LEFT to the

entrance hall.)BETTY: (Shouts after him.) If it’s what?PRODUCER ONE: (Runs back ON.) —the last thing I do! (EXITS.

BARRYMORE ENTERS UP LEFT carrying a baby wrapped in a blanket.)BETTY: (Rushes to him.) Barrymore, what are you doing back here?BARRYMORE: I was babysitting for the Hendersons and heard you

rewrote your will.BETTY: So?BARRYMORE: I was wondering if you were leaving me anything after

all those faithful years of service I gave you.BETTY: Barrymore, are you sure you aren’t back because you missed

me? Because you loved me as your generous boss all those years ago?

BARRYMORE: No, ma’am, it was the money.

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BETTY: You’re just like the rest!BARRYMORE: The rest, ma’am?BETTY: It’s all making sense to me now. No one ever loved me for me.

It was only for the money they came around… only for the money they pretended to love and take care of me. Only for the money!

BARRYMORE: I’m leaving now, ma’am.BETTY: Why, are you afraid to hear the truth?BARRYMORE: No, ma’am. I’m afraid your shouting will wake the baby.

(Runs OFF UP LEFT.)BETTY: (Shouts after him.) Get out of my house! Why do I want you

out of my house? Because you’re a nobody, and nobodies are not welcome in Betty Crawford’s house! (Finds herself in the room alone. Shouts to the walls.) Is everyone really so concerned about the changing of my will? Is that really what everyone cares about any more? Is it the money you want? Then come and get it! (Goes to the desk, brings out a stack of papers from a drawer.) Here’s my new will! I made plenty of copies! (Holds up both hands full of papers.) Come on, don’t be shy! A copy for everyone! (Throws the stack of papers up in the air. As soon as the pieces hit the ground, EVERYONE but MILDRED runs ON frantically, grabs a copy of the will, and runs OFF again. BETTY sits sadly on the sofa, weeping. After a beat, MILDRED crawls ON, grabs a piece of paper off the floor, and crawls OFF again.) That’s all I am to any of you. Miss Money Bags. Go ahead! Read my new will! Some of you will be so happy at what I’m leaving you that you will be willing to murder me just to get your greedy hands on it more quickly!Others of you will be so angry for being left out of the will that you will probably want to murder me out of a fit of rage! Go ahead and read! Read to your heart’s content.(She wipes her eyes with a handkerchief. SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.) Come in! (Pause. DOORBELL again.) I said come in! (Pause. DOORBELL again.) For crying out loud! (Stands and crosses and disappears OFF UP LEFT. From OFFSTAGE.) Oh, it’s only you. Why did you ring the doorbell? What’s that in your hand? No, don’t! Please don’t hit me over the head with that heavy object that could be anything! (SOUND EFFECT: BONK!) Ha, that didn’t hurt! (Another BONK, but louder. ENTERS holding the top of her head as she stumbles around.) Okay, that one really hurt. (Stumbles in front of the sofa.) My vision is going fuzzy. The room is spinning. I think I am going to… I think I am… going… to… (Falls dead onto the sofa. Raises her head.) This just kills me. (Her head goes down again. SOUND EFFECT: Mozart’s Requiem: Dies Irae. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of ACT ONE

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ACT TWOLIGHTS UP: A few minutes later in BETTY’S living room. “BETTY” is dead on the sofa. (See PRODUCTION NOTES.) JOAN ENTERS RIGHT from the kitchen holding a snow globe, followed by CANDICE, who is holding a large can of peaches.JOAN: What was that noise?CANDICE: (Sees and runs to BETTY.) Look, it’s Mother. She’s been hit

on top of the head. (Feels for a pulse.) She’s dead.JOAN: Dead? As in…?CANDICE: Kicked the bucket.JOAN: Bought the farm?CANDICE: Went belly up.JOAN: Poor Betty. (Realizes and gasps.) Candice, what are you doing

with that extra-large can of sliced peaches in heavy syrup?CANDICE: I was preparing myself a snack when I heard the commotion.

(Points to the snow globe.) And what about you and that thing in your hand?

JOAN: It’s a snow globe. I always play with it to calm my nerves. Betty keeps it in the kitchen.

CANDICE: We should hide these heavy objects. If someone sees us, we’ll be accused of Mother’s murder.

REPORTER THREE: (Runs ON UP LEFT holding a fist-sized rock.) Excuse me.

JOAN: (Jumps.) You startled me.CANDICE: What are you doing back here?REPORTER THREE: I was returning for my pad and pencil.JOAN: What are you doing with that rock?REPORTER THREE: Oh, this. I collect heavy rocks, and I found this

beauty just outside the door.JOAN/CANDICE: Likely story.REPORTER THREE: (Sees BETTY.) Ms. Crawford! Is she…?CANDICE: Dead? Yes.JOAN: She bought the farm.CANDICE: She kicked the bucket.JOAN: Went belly up by a blow on the head.CANDICE: (Points dramatically.) And you did it with that rock.REPORTER THREE: I didn’t.CANDICE: You’re holding a heavy object!REPORTER THREE: And so are you.

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CANDICE: Touché. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)CANDICE/REPORTER THREE/JOAN: Come in!LUCAS: (ENTERS UP LEFT holding a dumbbell while REPORTER THREE

crosses to the desk and makes a brief phone call, unnoticed by the OTHERS.) And another thing, Ms. Crawford! I’ll have you know— (Sees BETTY.) What’s going on?

JOAN: Ms. Crawford is dead.CANDICE: Hit over the head with a heavy object.JOAN: Like, for instance, that dumbbell in your hand.LUCAS: (Looks at dumbbell.) Wait one minute. Hold the phone. Not so

fast. Hold your horses. Just settle down. Hang on there! I am innocent.CANDICE: Then why are you carrying that around?LUCAS: I don’t have time to go to the gym, so I carry weights with me

throughout my day. You don’t get arms like this by lying around. (Flexes his arm.)

JOAN: Those are the scrawniest arms I have ever seen.LUCAS: (Offended.) I’ve been busy, okay?! (REPORTER THREE hangs

up the phone.)ROSE: (Runs ON UP LEFT holding a candlestick. Grabs BETTY around

the neck in a hug.) Oh, Ms. Crawford, say it isn’t so. Please, please, please say it isn’t so.

JOAN: She’s dead, Rose.ROSE: (Sobs.) Yes, I know. I just heard it on the news.CANDICE: She was hit over the head. Perhaps by that candlestick

you’re holding.ROSE: (Looks at the candlestick.) Oh, my, I was so upset, I must have

picked up the candlestick instead of my purse by mistake.JOAN: How could you have heard it on the news? It only happened

five minutes ago.ROSE: (Confused.) I don’t know.CANDICE: (Looks hard at ROSE.) It looks as if we have found our murderer.ROSE: Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will make

me cry. (Cries into a handkerchief.)CANDICE: Stop your blubbering.ROSE: I promise I saw on the news about the murder.REPORTER THREE: Of course you saw it on the news. I just called my

editor at the TV station, and they took the story live in order to get the scoop on all the other stations.

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DONOVAN: (ENTERS UP LEFT holding a monkey wrench and runs over to JOAN, grabs her elbow, and pulls her aside.) I just heard on the news. Did you find the will?

JOAN: (Hands him the copy of the will.) Read it for yourself.DONOVAN: (As he reads it to himself, but we can’t tell from his reaction

if he’s excited or upset.) What? Wow! Are you kidding? Unbelievable. Astonishing. Holy moly! Va va va voom! Shaving cream and rice.

JOAN: Why are you holding that monkey wrench?DONOVAN: I was working on my car when I heard the news.JOAN: Because of the change in her will, I’m afraid all fingers are

going to point to me. (Turns and everyone is pointing at her.) What? You all think I murdered Betty Crawford?

CANDICE: No, there’s a spider on your back!JOAN: What?! (Dances around.) Get it off! Get it off!DONOVAN: I’ll get it! (Raises the monkey wrench into the air and JOAN

screams and faints into a nearby chair.) Why did she faint? I said I got it.

REPORTER THREE: Shouldn’t we call the police?DONOVAN: (Starts to cry.) I didn’t hit her.REPORTER THREE: I mean about the murder.LUCAS: I don’t think so. Don’t you see? We’re all mentioned in Ms.

Crawford’s will, and we’re all standing here with heavy objects in our hands. Remember, she was hit with a heavy object.

CANDICE: (Heads RIGHT towards the kitchen.) I will be right back.REPORTER THREE: Where are you going?CANDICE: (In one breath.) To check on my identical twin sister and

see if she wants to join you while I fetch myself a refreshing glass of water and drink it in the kitchen until she’s finished visiting all of you in here. (EXITS RIGHT.)

BARRYMORE: (ENTERS LEFT from the hall holding a suitcase in one hand and pushing the baby in a stroller with the other.) I’m sorry, I thought everyone had gone.

ROSE: Barrymore, what were you doing in the back of the house, and what do you have in the suitcase?

BARRYMORE: I only returned to collect a few of my belongings that I left behind. I came through the back door.

REPORTER THREE: (Takes the suitcase.) Let me see that. (Opens the suitcase and pulls out a small brass lamp.) Aha! You just happened to forget your lamp, and you just happened to return the day Ms. Crawford just happened to be murdered by a conk on the head with a heavy object.

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ROSE: You murdered her with that lamp, didn’t you, Barrymore? (In his face.) Didn’t you?!

BARRYMORE: (Remains calm.) You have a choice. Either step back, or—

ROSE: (Closer to his face.) Or what?BARRYMORE: Pop a Tic Tac.JOAN: (Heads for the phone.) This is insane. I’m calling the police.LUCAS: No! Now, everyone just remain calm until we figure out what

we’re going to do.DONOVAN: I agree with Joan. I say we call the authorities.MILDRED: (From OFFSTAGE.) What do you mean Mother has been

murdered? (Changes her voice to CANDICE, from OFFSTAGE.) Go see for yourself while I remain here in the kitchen and drink a refreshing glass of water. (ENTERS RIGHT with a folded hand towel and sees BETTY on the sofa. Reacts in a way that is overly dramatic and not very convincing.) Mother-oh-Mother-please say-it-isn’t-so.

REPORTER THREE: You don’t seem very upset that your mother has just been murdered.

MILDRED: Of course I’m upset. Didn’t you hear me? I said, “Mother-oh-Mother-please say-it-isn’t-so.”

ROSE: It’s not what you said—ALL: But how you said it.JOAN: (To MILDRED.) What do you have wrapped in that hand towel?

(Takes it and unwraps an iron. EVERYONE gasps.)MILDRED: What? I found it in the kitchen. I did. Stop looking at me

that way! I don’t know what an iron was doing in the kitchen. Perhaps the killer hit Mother over the head with it, wrapped it in this hand towel, and left it in the kitchen knowing I would find it and cause everyone to suspect me.

DONOVAN: Where’s your sister?MILDRED: (Crosses RIGHT to the kitchen door and KNOCKS on it.)

Candice, are you all right in there? (Nothing.) I’ll go check to see if she’s all right.

BARRYMORE: (Moves to the kitchen.) I’ll check on her.MILDRED: (Steps in his way.) I said I will check on her. (Gives him

a hard look then EXITS RIGHT to the kitchen. SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)

LUCAS: I’ll get it. (EXITS UP LEFT to the entrance hall. Yells from OFFSTAGE.) It’s her! She’s alive! Ms. Crawford is alive! (Runs back ON, pointing back at the door.) Look! (NETTIE ENTERS UP LEFT. She is played by the

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same actress as BETTY, but with a different hair color [See PRODUCTION NOTES]. ALL gasp. She holds a leaded glass ashtray.)

JOAN: Betty, is that really you?CANDICE: (ENTERS RIGHT from the kitchen and shouts back to

MILDRED.) Why don’t you just stay in there and rest while I come in here and see what’s going on. (Turns to the room.) So, what’s going on? (Sees NETTIE and reacts nervously.) Mother?

NETTIE: (Haughty.) I am not your mother.LUCAS: (To NETTIE.) If you’re Betty, then who is lying dead on the sofa?NETTIE: Are you deaf? I’m not Betty, I’m her identical twin sister Nettie.ROSE: I never knew Ms. Crawford had a twin sister.LUCAS: Nor did me. Sorry. Nor did I.NETTIE: We kept it a secret. Betty and I had a quarrel when we were

children. I went off to college, and we haven’t spoken to one another since. After she became famous, I had to dye my hair and change my looks to keep away the busybodies and troublemakers.

LUCAS: She’s Betty’s sister, all right.CANDICE: What’s that in your hand?NETTIE: (Holds it up.) You mean this thing that looks like an ashtray?

It’s an ashtray.JOAN: How do we know you’re not the one who murdered your

twin sister?NETTIE: Murdered? My sister has been murdered?LUCAS: As if you didn’t know.NETTIE: I only showed up today to make amends with my sister once

and for all.ROSE: It’s funny that you showed up carrying an ashtray on the same

day your sister was murdered by a conk on the head.CANDICE: I bet you came today just to see if you were mentioned in

her revised will. (Holds up the will.)NETTIE: She was my sister, and I loved her unconditionally. I couldn’t

care less if she left me anything in her will.CANDICE: (Starts to fold the will.) If you say so.NETTIE: (Snatches the will from her.) Give me that. (Reads it to herself

with no emotion, then folds the paper.) Well, what do you know about that?

BARRYMORE: You never explained why you’re carrying an ashtray.NETTIE: I carry it for protection. Someone comes at me in a dark alley,

I pull out the ashtray, they run away.BARRYMORE: I find that hard to believe.

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NETTIE: That I carry an ashtray?BARRYMORE: That someone would come at you in a dark alley.PRODUCER ONE: (Runs ON UP LEFT holding a bookend.) I heard the

news! Where is she? (Sees NETTIE and hugs her.) Betty, Betty, Betty, I can’t believe you have left this world. (Looks at her.) You look really good to be dead.

NETTIE: I’m not Betty, you imbecile. I’m Nettie, her twin sister. Betty is on the sofa. (Points to the sofa.) Betty. (Points to herself.) Nettie. (Points.) Betty. (Points.) Nettie. Got it?

PRODUCER ONE: (Like a child.) You’re mean. (Runs to CANDICE.) I heard the tragic news on TV. I was about to surprise her with a starring role in my new movie. But, alas, she’s dead.

CANDICE: (Points to it.) And what about the bookend?PRODUCER ONE: The bookend’s not dead.CANDICE: Why are you holding a bookend?PRODUCER ONE: (Holds it up.) It’s a prop for a scene we were shooting

when I got the news. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)ALL: Come in!GARFIELD: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Excuse me, I’m Officer Garfield of the

Remington County Library and I’m looking for a… (Looks at a card he’s holding.) …Ms. Betty Crawford.

DONOVAN: (Points to the sofa.) She’s right there.GARFIELD: (Crosses to the sofa and reads off the card in his hand.)

Ms. Crawford, you have the right to remain citated… anything you say can and will be held against you in a reference section of your local library…

CANDICE: Ms. Betty has been murdered.GARFIELD: So that’s why she looks so tired. (Turns to the room.) Then

who, may I ask, is going to take care of this? (Holds up the card.)PRODUCER ONE: What is it?GARFIELD: A library citation. Years ago Ms. Crawford failed to return

a book to the library. We have given her ample opportunities to either return the book or pay the fine. She has declined to do either, so now she must pay the price.

LUCAS: (Sarcastic.) She can’t pay any library fine, you imbecile. She’s dead.

GARFIELD: Drat. There goes my dream of ever getting promoted from Apprentice Library Police to just plain simple Library Police.

BARRYMORE: Wait a minute, did you say you were a police officer?GARFIELD: Apprentice Library Police, yes.

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ROSE: We were wondering if you could help us with something. You see, Ms. Crawford was murdered by a blow to the head with a heavy object and all of us are holding heavy objects and we would really like to know who committed the murder. So do you think you would mind…

LUCAS: Hold on, you’re not suggesting he investigate the murder?ROSE: Why not? He has police in his title.CANDICE: I refuse to allow some penny-ante security guard from the

local library to try and solve the mystery of the murdering murderer of my magnificent mother.

GARFIELD: Nice alliteration.CANDICE: (Smiles.) Thank you.GARFIELD: (Turns sharply.) I appreciate the fact that some of you think

I am the man to solve this mystery.LUCAS: I won’t hear of it.PRODUCER ONE: Neither will me. Sorry. Neither will I.BARRYMORE: (Sings this line to a tune he has made up.) I’m just a

man of modest means, but I think that he could never solve the mystery of the mad maniac who murdered my master….

ROSE: Shut up, Barrymore, this is not a musical. (BARRYMORE straightens up, embarrassed.) Listen everyone, if… if… (To GARFIELD.) What’s your name?

GARFIELD: Apprentice Officer Erving Garfield of the Remington City Library Branch, Incorporated. Established 19—

ROSE: That’s enough. (To OTHERS.) If we can’t get Officer Garfield to help us, the real police will investigate and put us all in the slammer. Send us up the river. Throw the book at us. Heave us in the big house. Lock the door and throw away the—

PRODUCER ONE: Rose may be right. (Turns quickly to GARFIELD.) Okay, the case is yours.

GARFIELD: (Shrugs.) Okey dokey. Before I get started, I need to be brought up to speed on everything that has happened prior to my arrival, and by “prior,” I mean “preceding” or “before.”

BARRYMORE: We know what “prior” means. I’ll fill you in. (Whispers in GARFIELD’S ear. GARFIELD giggles.) I didn’t say anything funny.

GARFIELD: That tickles. (Becomes official again and begins pacing back and forth.) Being an apprentice library cop and spending hours and hours inside a public library, I have had the time to read many books. And my most favorite genre just happens to be murder mysteries.

DONOVAN: (Sarcastic.) That’s convenient. (ALL shush him.)

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GARFIELD: (Picks up a copy of the will and looks it over.) Aha, first clue. A copy of Ms. Crawford’s revised will.

CANDICE: How did you know it was the revised will?GARFIELD: It says so right here on the top. Did you all know that

approximately ninety percent of murders occur as the result of a will left by the victim?

PRODUCER ONE: Really?GARFIELD: Yes, I read it in a book once, titled “Ninety Percent of

Murders Occur as the Result of a Will Left by the Victim.” The following names are listed on her will. Please say “here” when your name is called. Joan Davis…

JOAN: Here.GARFIELD: Candice Crawford…CANDICE: Here.GARFIELD: Porter Ames…REPORTER THREE: Yo.GARFIELD: Cutter Hector, film director…LUCAS: Here. (Smiles.) That’s my stage name.GARFIELD: Rose Buttercup…ROSE: Here. (Smiles.) That’s my maid name.GARFIELD: Donovan Dandy…DONOVAN: Middle name Handy. Here.GARFIELD: Your name’s Donovan Handy Dandy?DONOVAN: My father was a poet.GARFIELD: Barrymore Winfield Applegate Chesterfield Junior the Third.BARRYMORE: (Sings.) I’m heeeeeere.GARFIELD: Picasso the Producer.PRODUCER ONE: My name is Picasso because I create great

cinematic art.GARFIELD: Nobody cares. And Mildred Crawford. (Pause.) Is Mildred

Crawford here?CANDICE: Hold on. (Runs to the kitchen and sticks her head through the

door.) Mildred, the nice officer needs to know you’re here. (Changes her voice.) Here! (Changes her voice again.) Thank you. (Changes.) Don’t mention it. (Steps back into the living room.) She’s here.

GARFIELD: As I look over the details of Ms. Crawford’s will, I see that some of you were left millions while others of you were left nothing at all. (Crosses RIGHT.) As I call your name, step to this side of the room. For entertainment value, please choose a funny walk as you do so. Candice Crawford… (She glides over.) Porter Ames…

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(He walks like a chicken.) Rose Buttercup… (Dances across like a ballerina.) and Nettie Crawford… (She crosses like a gorilla.). From this point, you will be Suspect Group A. It seems you four have been left millions of dollars. (They clap.) This unfortunately also means your motive to murder Ms. Crawford is clear—you desire to get your greedy little hands on said money as soon as possible. (REPORTER THREE claps. EVERYONE gives him a sharp look. He stops, embarrassed.)

(Turns to the others.) The rest of you comprise Suspect Group B. You just found out today that you were left absolutely nothing. Zilch. Zip. Zero. Nada. No dinero. You were surprised and upset and perhaps one of you became so distraught that, in a fit of rage, you murdered Betty Crawford.

CANDICE: (Holds up a finger.) Could you please hold on while I update my sister in the kitchen? (Runs over and sticks her head through the kitchen door.) Sister, dear, your motive would be anger because she didn’t leave you anything in the will. (Changes her voice.) Okay, thanks. (Changes.) You’re welcome. (Steps back into the room.)

GARFIELD: (To CANDICE.) I need you to ask your sister to join the rest of us, please.

CANDICE: She can’t.GARFIELD: Why not?CANDICE: She’s making smoothies for everyone. (ALL react, ad lib.

“Oooo,” “Ahhh, “That sounds good,” “That’s nice of her,” etc.)GARFIELD: In that case… (Yells to the kitchen.) …I’ll take a strawberry!

(Back to business at hand.) To continue the investigation, we have established motive for everyone in the house. Now, to the “how” of the case. As I look at the victim, I see Ms. Crawford was conked on the head with a heavy object. So, all we do now is find one of you who has a heavy object on his or her person. (EVERYONE holds up his or her object. GARFIELD is taken aback.) I see everyone is holding a heavy object, which means everyone had the means to murder Ms. Crawford.I will begin my questioning with Suspect Group A. Group B will exit to the back of the house. (As GROUP B EXITS UP LEFT to the hall, they speak to one another. BARRYMORE leaves behind the baby in the stroller.)

JOAN: This is ridiculous.LUCAS: Downright embarrassing.DONOVAN: Waste of my time.JOAN: You can say that again.PRODUCER ONE: Waste of his time.

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BARRYMORE: (Sings.) Old McDonald had a farm. (They’re OUT.)GARFIELD: Candice Crawfish, we shall begin with you.CANDICE: Crawford.GARFIELD: I beg your pardon?CANDICE: My name is Crawford, not crawfish.GARFIELD: Whatever.CANDICE: You’re rude.GARFIELD: According to this revised will, your mother left you a very

large sum of money.CANDICE: (Excited.) Yaaaaaay! (Suddenly becomes somber.) I mean…

I will miss my sweet mother.GARFIELD: However, you cannot collect on this money until your mother

bites the dust, goes belly up, kicks the old proverbial bucket.CANDICE: I guess so.GARFIELD: So, in order to collect on the money while you’re still young

enough to enjoy it, you murdered your mother.CANDICE: No, no! I loved my mother.GARFIELD: What you mean is you loved her money!CANDICE: Mother!GARFIELD: Money!CANDICE: Mother!GARFIELD: Money!CANDICE: Mother!GARFIELD: Mother!CANDICE: Money!GARFIELD: Mother!CANDICE: Money, money, money. I loved her money! (ALL gasp.)GARFIELD: Aha!CANDICE: That’s not fair, you tricked me.GARFIELD: (Shouts OFF DOWN RIGHT.) Prepare for flashback! (Paces

again as YOUNG BETTY and YOUNG MILDRED ENTER DOWN RIGHT.) Tell us about the relationship you had with your mother.

CANDICE: She was so good to me as a child. But my beautiful twin sister—you know, the one making the smoothies—was extremely jealous of Mother’s love for me.

YOUNG BETTY: Candice, oh, Candice. Where is my sweet, sweet child?YOUNG MILDRED: (Runs over.) I’m right here, Mother.YOUNG BETTY: You’re not Candice. I called for Candice. I need her to

mail this letter. (Holds up an envelope.)

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YOUNG MILDRED: I will be glad to mail the letter, Mother.YOUNG BETTY: This letter is too important for you to touch. I simply

don’t trust you. Get Candice at once.YOUNG MILDRED: (Drops her head.) Yes, Mother. (EXITS DOWN

RIGHT and speaks OFFSTAGE.) Candice? (Changes her voice.) Yes, beautiful sister? (Voice change.) Mother wishes to see you. (Voice change.) Okay. (Makes a simple costume change and RE-ENTERS as YOUNG CANDICE.) You called, Mother?

YOUNG BETTY: There’s my beautiful and sweet little girl. Mail this letter for your mother.

YOUNG CANDICE: Okay, Mummy.YOUNG BETTY: (Hands her the letter.) You are a precious, precious

child. Hurry back, for I had Rose make your favorite dish for lunch.YOUNG CANDICE: Mother, you are so good to me. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT

and speaks OFFSTAGE.) Goodbye, twin sister, I am off to mail a letter. (Voice change.) Okay, twin sister, do be careful. (Changes to YOUNG MILDRED and RE-ENTERS holding a small bowl containing a dark liquid.) Here you go, Mother.

YOUNG BETTY: What is this?YOUNG MILDRED: The poison I cooked from the herbs in my garden.

You asked me to make it to kill the rats around the house.YOUNG BETTY: That was last week. I’ve had the house fumigated

since then. What am I going to do with you?YOUNG MILDRED: I’m sorry, Mother.YOUNG BETTY: Leave my presence at once before I say something

I’ll regret.YOUNG MILDRED: What shall I do with this bowl of poison?YOUNG BETTY: I don’t care. Just do something useful for once in

your life!YOUNG MILDRED: (Bows her head.) Yes ma’am. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT

as YOUNG BETTY FREEZES.)GARFIELD: (Approaching CANDICE.) Wait a minute. How do you know

what your mother and sister talked about after you left the house to mail the letter?

CANDICE: Mother told me later that day over hot tea and vanilla wafers.GARFIELD: I’m not too sure about that.CANDICE: I’m sure.GARFIELD: Not sure.CANDICE: I’m sure.GARFIELD: Not sure.

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CANDICE: I’m sure.GARFIELD: You’re sure.CANDICE: Not sure!GARFIELD: You’re sure.CANDICE: Not sure! I’m NOT sure!GARFIELD: Aha!CANDICE: Stop doing that!GARFIELD: (To himself, writing in a small notebook.) Hmmm, very, very

interesting. All right, you may have a seat. Porter Ames?REPORTER THREE: (Approaches, snickering.) Yes, sir, Mr. Library Cop?

(Tries to hold in a laugh but isn’t very successful. This causes the OTHER SUSPECTS to snicker.)

GARFIELD: Do you find something funny?REPORTER THREE: (Snickering still.) No, sir, nothing is funny at all. I

like your badge. (Laughs, causing OTHERS to follow suit.) What did Detective Duck say to his partner? Let’s quack this case. (ALL but GARFIELD laugh.)

GARFIELD: Are you quite finished?REPORTER THREE: I’m sorry, go ahead with your questioning.GARFIELD: Mr. Ames, it seems that you, too, receive a large portion of

money upon Ms. Crawford’s death. Why would this be?REPORTER THREE: (As YOUNG REPORTER THREE and REPORTERS

ONE and TWO ENTER DOWN RIGHT.) Any time I did a story on Ms. Crawford, I made sure that I put her in a good light with the public. Watch, and I will show you with this quick flashback.

YOUNG REPORTER THREE: (Holds a microphone and speaks to YOUNG BETTY as she UNFREEZES.) Ms. Crawford, it is so very nice to see you again.

YOUNG BETTY: Porter, my darling reporter, how in the world are you?REPORTER ONE: Ms. Crawford, the world is wanting to know why

you’re getting so big in the hips.REPORTER TWO: The good folks of Dogtown, Alabama, was wonderin’

when you’re gonna make a movie worth seein’.REPORTER ONE: They think your hips are too big.REPORTER TWO: They think yur actin’ is plum awful.YOUNG REPORTER THREE: Ms. Crawford, you just wrapped up your

latest picture, and the buzz around Hollywood is that it will be another big hit.

YOUNG BETTY: That’s right, and making this movie was ever so much fun.

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REPORTER ONE: I heard it was going to bomb.REPORTER TWO: I heard a pig could act better than you.YOUNG REPORTER THREE: I see one of your daughters has come to

visit you on your last day of shooting.YOUNG BETTY: My lovely, lovely Candice, who has and always will

be the apple of her mother’s eye. (YOUNG CANDICE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.)

YOUNG REPORTER THREE: Ms. Candice Crawford, nice to see you.REPORTER ONE: Candice Crawford, have you gained weight?REPORTER TWO: Candice Crawford, have you thought about

plastic surgery?YOUNG REPORTER THREE: Candice, tell us how you feel about your

mother’s success.YOUNG CANDICE: I’m ever so very proud of my mother. She is the

most talented and big-hearted person I know.YOUNG REPORTER THREE: And I understand you have another

daughter, Ms. Crawford.YOUNG BETTY: (Short.) Who cares? (Big again.) I must run off to my

dressing room and change. Ta ta, my adoring public. (Blows a kiss to the AUDIENCE then EXITS DOWN RIGHT, gracefully.)

YOUNG REPORTER THREE: (To YOUNG CANDICE.) It’s refreshing to see a daughter so proud of her mother’s success.

YOUNG CANDICE: (Fake smile.) Oh, yes. Mother is a dear.REPORTER ONE: We understand your mother thrives on the attention

of others.YOUNG CANDICE: Well, I guess just a little—REPORTER TWO: And that she is arrogant—YOUNG CANDICE: Well, I guess just a little—REPORTER ONE: And that she’s mean and rude and thinks only

of herself.YOUNG CANDICE: (Breaks.) Yes! Yes! Yes! (Becomes angry.) Sometimes

it makes my blood boil just to know how entitled and vain she really is. (Snaps back to herself.) Oh, my! Did I say all that?

REPORTER ONE: Sure did, and I can’t wait to print it. (Runs OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

REPORTER TWO: The folks of Dogtown are goin’ to eat this story up like biscuits ’n’ gravy. Bye, y’all. (Runs OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

YOUNG REPORTER THREE: (To YOUNG CANDICE.) I must say I’m a little surprised you would say those things about your mother, who has given you everything.

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YOUNG CANDICE: Please don’t put that on the air. I beg you. (Runs OFF DOWN RIGHT, followed by YOUNG REPORTER THREE.)

REPORTER THREE: (To GARFIELD.) I didn’t air that part of the interview, because I didn’t want to give Ms. Crawford any bad publicity.

GARFIELD: (To CANDICE.) Why did you react that way toward a mother who always gave you your heart’s desire?

CANDICE: It had been a stressful day, and I wasn’t myself.GARFIELD: (Writes in his notebook.) I see… very, very interesting.CANDICE: Please don’t say that.GARFIELD: Don’t say what?CANDICE: (Mocks his tone.) “I see… very, very interesting.” As if you

don’t believe me. It stresses me out.GARFIELD: I won’t say it againCANDICE: (Calms herself.) Thank you. (Sits nervously.)GARFIELD: Thank you, Porter, the TV reporter. Rose Buttercup, would

you step forward, please?ROSE: I’m right behind you.GARFIELD: (Turns.) How many years did you work for Ms.

Crawford exactly?ROSE: Exactly? I don’t know.GARFIELD: How about approximately?ROSE: Thirty-five years, two months, six days, three hours and twenty-

seven minutes, Your Honor.GARFIELD: I’m not a judge.ROSE: And I’m not a flower. (Laughs at her joke but no one else does.)

Get it? My name is Rose Buttercup, but I’m not really a—(Stops laughing.) Anywhoooo...

GARFIELD: Ms. Crawford must have been very pleased with your work.ROSE: I went above and beyond the call of duty. She often said she

would take care of me, so I took for granted that I was in her will.BARRYMORE: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Excuse me, I forgot the baby.GARFIELD: (To ROSE.) And you surely are in the will.ROSE: I surely is. Sorry. I surely am.GARFIELD: Did you and Ms. Crawford ever quarrel?ROSE: Define “Ms. Crawford.”GARFIELD: Your boss.ROSE: Never.BARRYMORE: That’s not true! (ALL gasp.) I overheard Rose and

Ms. Crawford fighting on several occasions. I’ll prove it to you in another flashback.

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YOUNG BETTY: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with a Christmas gift bag, followed by YOUNG ROSE.) Rose, I wanted to give you your Christmas gift before I left for my ski trip in the Alps.

YOUNG ROSE: Miss, you didn’t have to do that.YOUNG BETTY: Well, if you don’t want it.YOUNG ROSE: (Takes it.) I’ll take it. (Pulls out a whisk. It’s clear she’s

disappointed, but she doesn’t want it to show.) A cheap whisk from the dollar store. How… nice.

YOUNG BETTY: Now perhaps your omelets will come out nice and fluffy instead of… well, lumpy.

YOUNG ROSE: I thought you loved my omelets.YOUNG BETTY: I lied.YOUNG ROSE: (Offended.) But I use my grandmother’s recipe, and

everyone loves my grandmother’s omelets.YOUNG BETTY: Your grandmother probably used a whisk.YOUNG ROSE: You’re so cruel! I wish I could get back at you for all

your terribly cruel cruelty.YOUNG BETTY: Is that a threat?YOUNG ROSE: Maybe.YOUNG BETTY: You’re fired.YOUNG ROSE: Just kidding, it wasn’t a threat.YOUNG BETTY: That’s better. Well, it’s off to the Alps. See you in

January. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)YOUNG ROSE: (To herself.) I’ll get you for this, Mum, if it’s the last

thing I do! (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)GARFIELD: (To BARRYMORE.) You actually heard her say she would

get her for that?BARRYMORE: I did, Your Honor.GARFIELD: I am not a… (Heavy sigh.)ROSE: He’s wrong, wrong, wrong. That wasn’t how it happened at all.GARFIELD: How do you know?ROSE: I was there.GARFIELD: Oh, yeah. Very well, what is your version?ROSE: I’ll show you. Action!YOUNG BETTY: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with the Christmas gift, followed

by YOUNG ROSE.) Rose, I wanted to give you your Christmas gift before I left for my ski trip in the Alps.

YOUNG ROSE: But, Miss, you didn’t have to do that.YOUNG BETTY: I insist.

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YOUNG ROSE: (Takes it.) Only because you insisted. (Pulls out the whisk and is genuinely pleased.) A whisk. (Starts to cry.) You got me a whisk. (Hugs it.) It’s something I have always wanted.

BARRYMORE: (To himself.) Oh, brother.GARFIELD: (To BARRYMORE.) No talking during flashbacks.YOUNG BETTY: Now perhaps your omelets will come out nice and

fluffy instead of… well, lumpy.YOUNG ROSE: Yes, yes, yes. You are so right. I’ve never been able

to get my omelets nice and fluffy… but now… (Cries again.) But now… Oh, Ms. Crawford, I don’t know what to say.

YOUNG BETTY: Stop your blubbering, child. Well, are you going to thank me for the whisk or not?

YOUNG ROSE: Thank you, Ms. Crawford. Thank you a million times over.YOUNG BETTY: What am I?YOUNG ROSE: The most wonderful boss anyone could ever wish for.YOUNG BETTY: Be more specific.YOUNG ROSE: You’re generous, kind, thoughtful, and humble.YOUNG BETTY: And don’t ever forget it. Well, it’s off to the Alps. See

you in January. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)YOUNG ROSE: (Shouts off to her.) Goodbye, Ms. Crawford. Have a safe

trip! (Turns and hugs her whisk again.) I love you, Mr. Whisk. I love you, I love you, I love you. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

BARRYMORE: (To GARFIELD.) She is making up that story just to make herself look good.

ROSE: (To BARRYMORE.) Excuse me, but you’re not even supposed to be in here.

BARRYMORE: It’s a free country! (They stick their tongues out at each other.)

GARFIELD: Quiet, you two, or I’ll make you kiss and make up.ROSE/BARRYMORE: Yuck!GARFIELD: Barrymore, please rejoin your own group. (BARRYMORE

sticks his nose in the air and EXITS UP LEFT with the baby stroller as GARFIELD turns to NETTIE.) That leaves only you, Ms. Nettie Crawford, Ms. Betty Crawford’s long-lost identical twin sister. You gained a lot from your sister’s murder. And I do mean a lot.

NETTIE: That’s ridiculous. I don’t need her money, because I made more money in my lifetime than she ever dreamed of making.

GARFIELD: So, are you saying you’re filthy rich?NETTIE: I am.GARFIELD: What are you doing tonight?

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NETTIE: Are you asking me on a date?GARFIELD: Maybe.NETTIE: Not gonna happen.GARFIELD: Never hurts to ask. Back to the case. Here’s my next

question. So, you are rich.NETTIE: That’s not a question.GARFIELD: Not finished.NETTIE: Sorry.GARFIELD: The question is, have you left Ms. Betty anything in your will?NETTIE: I don’t see how that is any of your business.GARFIELD: You’re not going to answer my question?NETTIE: That’s right.GARFIELD: What if I said… (Turns dramatically to her.) …please?NETTIE: (Shrugs.) All right. (Stares out over the AUDIENCE.) I did not

leave my sister anything in my will.GARFIELD: And why is that?NETTIE: Because of something she said to me on the last day I saw

her forty-five years ago.GARFIELD: Flashback!NETTIE: Excuse me, but would you mind if I performed in my own

flashback scene?GARFIELD: That’s a little unorthodox.NETTIE: What if I said… (Turns to him dramatically.) …please?GARFIELD: (Shrugs.) Okay.YOUNG BETTY: (Runs ON DOWN RIGHT and crosses to NETTIE, who

has put her purse on her shoulder.) Nettie, my sweet sister, where are you going?

NETTIE: Away from here. Away from you.YOUNG BETTY: But you’re my identical twin sister, even though we

look nothing alike in this flashback.NETTIE: I’m tired of trying to measure up to you, Betty. Tired of

everyone reminding me how talented you are. Reminding me that I will never be as successful as you.

YOUNG BETTY: It isn’t my fault that you have no personality, talent, or beauty.

NETTIE: You’re right, Betty, but it isn’t my fault either. So, just go shoot your movies. Go to your Hollywood parties. Make your millions. Do what you have to do, and I’ll do what I have to do.

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YOUNG BETTY: (Demeaning.) And what is that, identical twin sister Nettie who looks nothing like me in this flashback? What is it that you have to do?

NETTIE: You’ll find out soon enough. One day down the road, you will know exactly what it is that I have to do.

YOUNG BETTY: Stop it, Nettie. You have no plans. You’ll always be the nobody you are right now. So, go, while I stay and enjoy my fame and fortune. One day you’ll come crawling back to me.

NETTIE: I’ll never crawl to you! Never. Besides, I have bad knees. But just know this, Ms. Movie Star. One day when I make my fortune, I will never share any of it with you. Never. (Turns and runs OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

YOUNG BETTY: (Shouts after her.) Don’t make me laugh. You’ll never amount to anything more than you are right now! Which is nothing! (YOUNG BETTY EXITS DOWN LEFT as NETTIE RE-ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and crosses to GARFIELD. ALL applaud her performance, and she takes a bow.)

GARFIELD: You told your sister you were planning to make a fortune.NETTIE: That’s right.GARFIELD: Apparently you did make that fortune?NETTIE: I did. In real estate. I sold houses.GARFIELD: I know what real estate is.NETTIE: I made more money than my sister ever dreamed of making.

I came back today to make things right with her. To tell her I was including her in my will after all… that I was willing to let bygones be bygones. Apparently, she forgave me somewhere along the way and decided to leave me some moolah. Sorry. Leave me some money.

GARFIELD: With her being dead, you don’t have to leave her anything, and furthermore, with her being dead and including you in her will, you will gain even more riches than you have now.

NETTIE: I did not kill my sister!GARFIELD: Stop shouting in my ear!NETTIE: (Starts to cry, moves to the “corpse.”) I’m so sorry, Betty. I

waited too long. I’m so very sorry.GARFIELD: Well, there you have it. Each of you has much to gain from

Ms. Crawford’s death. You each have a motive for wanting Ms. Crawford dead. You each had the means in which to murder Ms. Crawford, seeing that all of you are holding heavy objects for some odd reason. I thank you all for revealing as much as you have. All

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of you may leave now. (SUSPECTS EXIT UP LEFT out the front door. GARFIELD shouts to the hall.)

Suspect Group B, please join me in the living room. (GARFIELD crosses to the “corpse” that is still lying on the sofa.) Don’t worry, Ms. Crawford, I am here to assure justice is done. (Pulls out the card he held up before from his pocket.) And because you’re dead, I won’t require you to pay this fine for the book you checked out all those many years ago. (Looks at the card as his eyes grow wide.)

Wait a minute, the title of the book… I never paid any attention... Well, well, well. (JOAN, LUCAS, DONOVAN, BARRYMORE, and PRODUCER ONE ENTER UP LEFT. As soon as the first one ENTERS, GARFIELD shoves the card back inside his pocket.)

That’s right, come in, come in. No shoving, that’s it. Wait a minute, where is Mildred Crawford?

PRODUCER ONE: She’s still in the kitchen making smoothies.GARFIELD: (Shouts to the kitchen.) Ms. Mildred, could you join us, please?MILDRED: (ENTERS from the kitchen wiping her hands on a hand

towel.) Those smoothies are almost done.JOAN: (To GARFIELD.) Look, we know what you’re going to say. We all

know that Ms. Crawford didn’t remember us in her will, but that doesn’t mean we murdered her.

GARFIELD: However, you each have a motive for murder. You’re angry that Ms. Crawford didn’t remember you in her will, though you feel that you deserved to be remembered. So, you simply murdered her for revenge. Each of you had the means to murder her, seeing that each of you is carrying a heavy object, and Ms. Crawford was conked on the head with a heavy object.

BARRYMORE: I broke my back for that woman for thirty years. There’s no reason in the world why she should have written me out of her will.

GARFIELD: You can’t think of a single reason?BARRYMORE: Well—GARFIELD: There’s always one reason. Please go on.BARRYMORE: Once she became upset with me and asked me to

leave and never come back.MILDRED: Hold on, if you’re doing another flashback, I’ll go to the

kitchen to check on those smoothies. (EXITS RIGHT to the kitchen.)GARFIELD: (To BARRYMORE.) Go on.BARRYMORE: Well… it went like this… (Shouts OFF.) I said, it went

like this!

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YOUNG BETTY: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with YOUNG BARRYMORE.) Barrymore, I have a question for you.

YOUNG BARRYMORE: (Polishes a drinking glass.) Yes, ma’am?YOUNG BETTY: Did you take the car out last night?YOUNG BARRYMORE: Your car, ma’am?YOUNG BETTY: Yes, Barrymore, did you take my car out last night?YOUNG BARRYMORE: No, ma’am.YOUNG BETTY: I don’t believe you.YOUNG BARRYMORE: Then why did you ask? I mean, you must

believe me, ma’am.YOUNG BETTY: (Holds up a red garden glove.) You left this behind in

my car last night, Barrymore. Do you know what this is? It’s a red garden glove. Your red garden glove. Something else you need to know about my car, Barrymore. It was wrecked last night. The front windshield was smashed to pieces. And because the mate to this glove was found at the scene of the accident, I’m afraid I have caught you red-handed. No pun intended.

YOUNG BARRYMORE: You have it wrong, Ms. Crawford. I was in my room last night waxing my eyebrows. I never left the house.

YOUNG BETTY: I’ve packed your bags, and they’re by the door. I want you off these premises, and if you return I shall call the police. (YOUNG CANDICE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) And I don’t mean the library police.

YOUNG CANDICE: What’s going on, Mother?YOUNG BETTY: Barrymore took the car last night and wrecked it, so

I’m firing him on the spot. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)YOUNG CANDICE: (Shocked, to YOUNG BARRYMORE.) This explains

why I saw you sneaking out of your room last night.YOUNG BARRYMORE: But I didn’t.YOUNG CANDICE: I’ve told Mother all along you couldn’t be

trusted. Shame! Shame! Shame! (EXITS DOWN RIGHT, followed by YOUNG BARRYMORE.)

GARFIELD: (To BARRYMORE.) So, did you, in fact, wreck her car?BARRYMORE: I did not… but I know who did. Someone in this house.MILDRED: (ENTERS with an apple.) Did I miss anything good?BARRYMORE: (Points dramatically to MILDRED.) It was her evil twin

sister! She wrecked the car and made it look as if I did it.MILDRED: Car? What car? I just walked in.GARFIELD: Come now, Mr. Barrymore. You’re not suggesting Ms.

Crawford’s favorite daughter wrecked her mother’s car just to make you look bad.

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BARRYMORE: I most certainly do.GARFIELD: You wrecked the car!BARRYMORE: She wrecked it!GARFIELD: You wrecked it!BARRYMORE: She wrecked it!GARFIELD: You wrecked it!BARRYMORE: She wrecked it!GARFIELD: She wrecked it!BARRYMORE: You wrecked it!GARFIELD: She wrecked it!BARRYMORE: (In GARFIELD’S face.) You wrecked it! You wrecked

the car!GARFIELD: Wait, that didn’t go right. (To BARRYMORE.) Sit down!

(BARRYMORE sits quickly as MILDRED EXITS RIGHT stealthily to the kitchen unnoticed by the others. Crosses to LUCAS as YOUNG BETTY, YOUNG PRODUCER ONE, and YOUNG LUCAS ENTER DOWN RIGHT.) What about you, Mr. Film Director? You and the producer here made Ms. Crawford a star. Why weren’t either of you included in her will?

LUCAS: Ms. Crawford said she would take care of us.YOUNG BETTY: I will take care of you.LUCAS: And we believed her lies.PRODUCER ONE: Lies, all lies!LUCAS: No one would know her name if it weren’t for Worldwide Studios.YOUNG LUCAS: No one would know your name.LUCAS: Investing time and money in her career.YOUNG PRODUCER ONE/PRODUCER ONE: Lies, all lies!GARFIELD: Why did she change her mind and leave you out of her will?LUCAS: The last two films she made were flops.YOUNG BETTY: The last two films I made were flops.LUCAS: She had become too old and just wasn’t as good as she used

to be.YOUNG LUCAS: You have become too old.PRODUCER ONE/YOUNG PRODUCER ONE: Lie, all lies!LUCAS: Guys, we’re past that part.PRODUCER ONE: (To GARFIELD.) She blamed her failing film career

on us.YOUNG BETTY: I blame my failing film career on you.LUCAS: So, she took us out of her will.

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PRODUCER ONE: But we didn’t know that until we read the revised will today.

GARFIELD: Let me make sure I understand. You two made her a star.LUCAS/PRODUCER ONE: Right!GARFIELD: Then her career declined.LUCAS/PRODUCER ONE: Right!GARFIELD: She took you out of her will.LUCAS/PRODUCER ONE: Right!GARFIELD: You came today and murdered her.PRODUCER ONE: Right!LUCAS: Wrong!GARFIELD: Aha!LUCAS: Wait!PRODUCER ONE: You tricked us!GARFIELD: Sit down!LUCAS: You sit down!GARFIELD: Sit! (They sit quickly as FLASHBACK CHARACTERS EXIT DOWN

RIGHT. Turns quickly to DONOVAN.) And what about you, Mr. Donovan Handy Dandy? Why were you left out of Ms. Crawford’s will?

DONOVAN: I was never in the will. Ms. Crawford didn’t know who I was. You see, Joan Davis and I were planning to be married and run away to Aruba with the money that she inherited from Ms. Crawford.

GARFIELD: May we see that conversation?DONOVAN: (Shrugs.) Sure. (To JOAN melodramatically.) Joan, Joan,

Joan, will you marry me?JOAN: (Also melodramatically.) Yes, oh, yes, for I love you so! As soon

as Betty kicks the bucket, we can take the money she leaves me and be married at last.

DONOVAN: Oh, Joan, it makes me want to burst out in song. (Sings.) I will always love yoooooou!

GARFIELD: This is not a musical. Mr. Donovan, you had the perfect motive to murder Ms. Crawford. You couldn’t marry Ms. Davis without the money from the will, so you showed up today and murdered Ms. Crawford. Murdered her in cold blood. And blood is red, which just happened to be your favorite color.

DONOVAN: Huh?GARFIELD: Admit it!DONOVAN: Admit what?

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GARFIELD: Your favorite color is red, red, red!DONOVAN: It’s not, not, not!GARFIELD: But you said earlier— Wait, it wasn’t you.DONOVAN: Huh?GARFIELD: (Has an epiphany.) Aha!LUCAS: (Shouts.) I have wasted enough of my day listening to this cop-

wannabe rattle on about motive and means. Are we contacting the real authorities or not?

PRODUCER ONE: Someone who will give us a decent flashback scene?GARFIELD: I have two very important things to say. First of all, that

hurt my feelings. Second of all, I have just solved the mystery. (ALL gasp.)

LUCAS: There’s no way.PRODUCER ONE: Lies, all lies!GARFIELD: (Shouts.) May I have everyone off the front porch, please?

And if everyone can please pick up the heavy object they were carrying when Ms. Betty’s murder was discovered. (ALL except CANDICE/MILDRED ENTER and spread out over the stage, some sitting, some standing. ALL retrieve their heavy objects.)

ROSE: How much longer is this going to take?REPORTER THREE: I need to get back to the TV station. (EVERYONE

ELSE also murmurs their disgruntlement.)GARFIELD: Don’t worry, this isn’t going to take long, because I know

exactly who murdered Ms. Crawford. (EVERYONE laughs.) I’m serious! (They straighten up quickly.) You see, one advantage that a library cop has over a regular cop is the fact that he spends his days around books. And a good library cop loves books. Especially books that tell him who murdered an aging movie star.

PRODUCER ONE: What are you rambling about?LUCAS: Get on with it.GARFIELD: As you all know, I showed up here today to serve this

fine (Holds up card from pocket.) to Ms. Crawford for an overdue library book.

BARRYMORE: So?ROSE: What does that have to do with the murder?GARFIELD: Everything. The revelation started a moment ago when

I realized the title of the book that Ms. Crawford checked out all those years ago.

REPORTER THREE: The title?

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GARFIELD: Yes. (Reads the card.) “How To Murder Your Identical Twin and Take on Her Identity.” (ALL gasp as CANDICE ENTERS stealthily from the kitchen, carrying an iron, and EVERYONE’S attention shifts to NETTIE.)

NETTIE: (Approaches GARFIELD.) So, are you telling me my twin sister, Betty Crawford, was plotting to murder me?

ROSE: And take on Nettie’s identity?BARRYMORE: (Points to NETTIE.) If that’s true, how do we know that

you’re not really Betty Crawford, who murdered Nettie Crawford (Points to the sofa.) and took on her identity?

ALL: Yeah! (ALL mumble.)LUCAS: Or perhaps Nettie Crawford murdered Betty Crawford, took

on her identity pretending to be Nettie—I mean Betty… I mean—GARFIELD: No, no, no, you have it all wrong. (Turns to CANDICE.)

Excuse me, Ms. Candice Crawford, could you please ask your sister Mildred to come into the living room?

CANDICE: Of course. (Moves toward the kitchen.)GARFIELD: No, call her from here.CANDICE: (Nervous.) From here?GARFIELD: Please.CANDICE: (More nervous, but manages a smile, turning again to the

kitchen.) Oh, Mildred, dear. The kind, nerdy librarian would like to see you. (Pause.) I believe she said something about running to the store to pick up more pickles for the smoothies.

GARFIELD: You don’t put pickles in smoothies.CANDICE: Y… you don’t?GARFIELD: Perhaps your sister Mildred isn’t coming out of the kitchen

because she’s already here.CANDICE: (More nervous, but still smiles.) Wh… what are you saying?GARFIELD: You were your mother’s favorite daughter, weren’t you?CANDICE: That’s right.GARFIELD: She loved you more than she loved your twin sister,

Mildred, right?CANDICE: Yes.GARFIELD: Why didn’t she love you as much as she loved your sister?CANDICE: She did love me more.GARFIELD: Are you sure she didn’t love your sister more?CANDICE: Yes… I mean, no… I mean, you’re getting me confused.

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GARFIELD: Why are you confused? Is it because you’re trying to confuse us? You’re trying to trick us into thinking you’re Candice Crawford when, in reality, you’re Mildred Crawford? (ALL gasp.)

LUCAS: Whaaaaaat?ROSE: But how can you know that?GARFIELD: Several ways. Everyone hold up his or her heavy object.

(EVERYONE holds their objects in the air. To CANDICE.) Everyone is holding a heavy object, Ms. Candice.

CANDICE: So?GARFIELD: Including you. You, Ms. Candice Crawford, are also holding

a heavy object. An iron to be specific.CANDICE: So?GARFIELD: So, when I stepped up on the porch earlier, I noticed this

small tube with marks indicating water-level. (Holds it up.) It was lying in the grass.

CANDICE: I repeat… So?GARFIELD: It’s a simple deduction. This sort of tube doesn’t belong

on a snow globe, a monkey wrench, a dumbbell, or any other of these heavy objects held by the other suspects. You—I said you, Ms. Candice Crawford—are the only suspect who is holding an iron! An iron that just so happens to be missing its water-level indicator tube which apparently fell off during the impact of the iron and Miss Betty’s noggin. (Loud gasp from the room.)

CANDICE: That tube could have fallen off the iron at any time!GARFIELD: I don’t think so. You—I say you—are Mildred Crawford,

and you have been masquerading as Candice Crawford for years. You murdered your twin sister by poison years ago because of all the attention your mother paid to her. You took on her identity in order to claim her inheritance. It was you who checked out this book in your mother’s name. Earlier when you were pretending to be Candice, you slipped up and said your sister Mildred was beautiful when you were speaking to me. Candice would never have called her rival sister beautiful.

JOAN: That explains why she’s holding the iron. Earlier, Mildred had the iron, and Candice had the can of peaches.

REPORTER THREE: That also explains how she knew what Mildred and Ms. Crawford talked about after Candice left the house to mail that letter years ago.

ROSE: And why Candice said all those terrible things in that interview about how her vain mother made her blood boil.

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GARFIELD: Right, because it wasn’t Candice who was saying it, it was Mildred pretending to be Candice. The night Candice left for the post office, Mildred followed her with her cup of poison in hand. Poison she made from plants in her very own garden. You forced her to drink said poison, then you placed the dead body in the trunk of her mother’s car, drove to a remote area, and buried the body. Upon her return, you somehow wrecked the car and blamed it on Barrymore—

BARRYMORE: (High-pitched voice.) Whaaaaaaat?GARFIELD: Mildred, what is your favorite color?MILDRED: Define “Mildred.”GARFIELD: That would be you.MILDRED: In that case, my favorite color is red.GARFIELD: Aha! And your favorite hobby?MILDRED: Gardening.GARFIELD: (Finger in the air.) Double aha! You heard it, folks. Her

favorite color is red, and she loves to work in the garden.DONOVAN: And gardeners work in the garden with gloves—ROSE: Because Mildred’s favorite color is red, she would own—ALL: Red garden gloves.JOAN: (Points to the floor.) But when I was here in the living room with

Candice, we heard Mildred scream in the kitchen when she fell.BARRYMORE: That wasn’t Mildred who screamed, it was Candice

working her ventriloquism skills. (To MILDRED.) Show them, Ms. Crawford.

MILDRED: Well, okay, but I’m not that good. (Clears her throat and stands with her lips almost together. There is a SCREAM from the kitchen.)

ALL: (Ad lib.) Wow, how’d she do that? Impressive. Amazing! etc.ROSE: But wait a minute. Are you saying that she killed her sister

Candice all those years ago and has been pulling this charade all along? Passing herself off as two sisters for forty years?

GARFIELD: Who says she had to pass herself off as two sisters? Only one sister ever got any attention. Right, Ms. Crawford?

MILDRED: It was a simple thing, really—most of the time. It was Mildred who disappeared. Nobody really missed her anyway. For years, the world has only known me as Candice.

GARFIELD: Well, Ms. Mildred Crawford, what do you have to say for yourself?

MILDRED: (Breaks, starts to cry.) She hated me! Mother hated me, but loved Candice. It wasn’t fair! Wasn’t I deserving of being loved just

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like anybody else in this world? (ALL move away from her, leaving her all alone on one side of the stage.)

PRODUCER ONE: The girl is a crackpot.MILDRED: (Holds the iron above her head and faces the group.) Okay,

everyone just stay calm.PRODUCER ONE: See what I mean?MILDRED: (Shouts.) I need the flashback people out here! (They

ENTER also with their hands up.) So, you found me out. But no matter, because I am Candice Crawford, the beloved daughter of my mother, and my wonderful mother has left me my millions.

ROSE: You’re not Candice Crawford, you’re still her pathetic twin sister.MILDRED: I know that and you know that, but the world doesn’t

know that.REPORTER THREE: The world will know just as soon as I get back to

the TV station.MILDRED: No! You’re not going anywhere!REPORTER THREE: And how do you plan to stop me?MILDRED: I’m going to bonk you on the head with my iron.REPORTER THREE: (Hands go back up.) That would do it.GARFIELD: Don’t worry. She isn’t going bonk anyone on the head.LUCAS: How can you be sure?GARFIELD: Because of a little trick I learned from a book in the library

once, titled How to Force Someone to Hand Over an Iron Against Their Will. (Calmly as though speaking to a child.) Mildred? Hello, Mildred. Hand Officer Garfield the iron.

MILDRED: (Breaks down.) Take it! Take the stupid iron! (Hands him the iron.)

ALL: (Ad lib, overlapping while applauding.) Wow! Amazing! Unbelievable! He is one smart cookie, etc.

NETTIE: (Crosses to MILDRED.) I have one thing to say to you. You took my sister away from me before I had a chance to make amends with her. I will visit you in prison, sneak into your cell, and make you pay dearly for this, my dear little niece.

LUCAS: Ooooo, I smell a movie.VOICE: (OFFSTAGE, through a megaphone.) We have the house

surrounded. We need everyone to exit the house with their hands in the air while the murderer remains and performs a sad monologue.

MILDRED: (Crosses slowly to CENTER STAGE as EVERYONE ELSE shakes their heads and slowly EXITS UP LEFT.) I wanted to know

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what it was like to be somebody who people envied and respected. My mother constantly showed my sister her love, and I wanted to know how it felt.Doesn’t everyone want that in their lives? I wanted—no, needed—it so badly I was willing to murder for it. Now my sister is gone, my mother is gone, and even worse, my money is gone. Here I stand delivering a sad monologue while the real police surround the house waiting to take me to the big house, throw me in the slammer, take me up the river, et cetera, et cetera.

VOICE: (OFFSTAGE.) Come out with your hands up!MILDRED: (Shouts impatiently.) I’m not finished!VOICE: Sorry.MILDRED: So, I will say my goodbye. Forgive me, world, for taking a

chance… forgive me, world, for stepping outside my comfort zone to fulfill a life-long dream. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.) I said I’m not finished! (Back to AUDIENCE.) Robert Frost once wrote… (DOORBELL.) Two roads diverged in a wood and I— I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the— (DOORBELL sounds three times.) I give up. (Rushes and disappears UP LEFT into the entrance hall. From OFF.) I said I was coming when I fin— Oh, it’s only you. What do you want? (SOUND EFFECT: BONK. ENTERS, stumbling around holding the top of her head.) Oh, so that’s what you wanted. (Stumbles to the sofa.) Move over. (The CORPSE scoots over [or MILDRED shoves aside the dummy playing the corpse]. MILDRED falls beside it then weakly raises her head.) I took the road less traveled by… and that… has made… all… the… difference. (Drops her head. SOUND EFFECT: Requiem: Dies Irae. Weakly lifts her head again.) This just kills me. (Her head drops again as the MUSIC CONTINUES and the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGESofa, chair, coffee table holding hand bell and hand mirror, table with drawers containing papers, phonograph turntable (real or one you make yourself, since it doesn’t have to work), LP record and sleeve, desk with several drawers containing papers, telephone, coat rack with jacket and purse hanging, newspaper and pair of eyeglasses.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONACT ONE:

Hand towel (ROSE)Document (NERDY ACTOR, PRODUCER ONE)Cameras (REPORTER ONE, REPORTER TWO)Telephone receiver (DONOVAN, REPORTER THREE)Small bottle of liquid (JOAN)Pop Tart on a plate, coffee cup with spoon, handkerchief (BETTY)Suitcases, photo locket (MILDRED/CANDICE)Report cards (YOUNG MILDRED/YOUNG CANDICE)Nail file (YOUNG BETTY)Baby wrapped in a blanket (BARRYMORE)

ACT TWO:Snow globe, copy of the will (JOAN)Large can of peaches, copy of the will, iron, hand towel, apple

(MILDRED/CANDICE)Fist-sized rock (REPORTER THREE)Dumbbell (LUCAS)Candlestick, handkerchief (ROSE)Monkey wrench (DONOVAN)Suitcase containing a small brass lamp, stroller holding baby doll

(BARRYMORE)Leaded glass ashtray, purse (NETTIE)Heavy bookend (PRODUCER ONE)Index card, small notebook, pen, small tube (GARFIELD)Addressed envelope, Christmas gift bag containing a whisk, red

gardening glove (YOUNG BETTY)Small bowl containing a dark liquid (YOUNG MILDRED)Microphone (YOUNG REPORTER THREE)Drinking glass, hand towel (YOUNG BARRYMORE)

SOUND EFFECTS AND MUSICMozart’s Requiem: Dies Irae, phone ring, doorbell, door slam, bonk.

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DOUBLE CASTINGThe NERDY ACTOR in Act One could be played by the same actor as YOUNG REPORTER THREE.

COSTUMING AND FLASHBACKSSeven of the characters are portrayed in both “young” and 1980s versions. To maintain clarity for the audience, the costumes for the young versions should have elements in common with the costumes for the 1980s versions, e.g. both Barrymore and Young Barrymore could wear red bowties.

Twins: There are three sets of identical twin sisters in the show (Betty/Nettie, Mildred/Candice, Young Mildred/Young Candice). Each set of twins is played by one actress. The costume changes between the characters of Candice and Mildred (and their young versions) should be minimal since some of the changes happen in a matter of seconds. Since Betty is only in Act One and Nettie only in Act Two, this actress has it somewhat easier. Betty should wear a wig in a color different from the actress’s natural color, whereas Nettie is played without a wig. Young Betty can wear a similar wig, helping establish the character in the audience’s mind.

After Betty Crawford is murdered, a stand-in (or dummy) lies on the sofa all of Act Two, so that the actor playing Betty can now double as her twin sister Nettie. Again, the wig can help establish that it is Betty lying on the couch.

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