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5 Qualities To Look For In AMentor

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Over the past decade or two, the idea of mentoring has become increasingly

popular. Lots of companies now offer mentoring programs, where executive-

level professionals support their younger colleagues’ success. Mentoring

programs have been created specifically for women, people of color, the

disabled, and other groups for whom having a supportive and knowledgeable

advisor might be especially helpful. Youth mentoring has evolved as a means

to help young people understand how to operate in the grown-up world.

However, the tradition of having someone to support you with his or her

wisdom and experience is probably as old as the human race. In any tribal

society, younger members depended upon the older members to pass on their

hard-won knowledge and insight about how to stay safe, find food and shelter,

understand the world around them.

The word “mentor” as applied to such a person has its roots in Greek

mythology. In the Odyssey, Mentor was a character who advised and protected

Odysseus’ son Telemachus. Then, in 1699, a novel called Les Aventures de

Télémaque, (“The Adventures of Telemachus”), included the character of

Mentor as Telemachus’ tutor. He was the hero of the story, and the modern

usage of the term “mentor” seems to have arisen from that book.

So, finding and having a mentor isn’t just a modern fad; it’s a time-honored

practice that has served us well for many thousands of years. And as with

most things, there are good mentors and there are not-so-good mentors.

What can you do to make sure you’re getting one of the good ones?

Over the years, as I’ve observed mentoring relationships of various sorts, and

have been asked by others to mentor them, I’ve noticed some qualities that

seem to distinguish truly good and helpful mentors from those who are

indifferent – or even harmful. Based on that experience, here are five core

qualities to look for in a mentor:

Erika Andersen Contributor

I cover how people & organizations work, and how they can work better.

Opinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own.

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Self-reflection: If you want someone to share their wisdom with you, they

need to have wisdom to share. Some people simply don’t spend much time

thinking about their own experience; a person can be quite knowledgeable and

successful without having reflected much on how they got where they are

today. However, just hearing about what someone has done is much less

valuable than hearing about why they did it, and about their understanding of

why it worked or didn’t work. My father, one of my most important mentors,

was great at seeing the key patterns and principles in his own experience, and

passing those on to me. His insights about his life have helped me avoid

innumerable pitfalls in my own life.

Discretion: In a good mentor relationship, you need to be able to be honest

about your own life and circumstances – and you need to be confident that

your revelations won’t go beyond your mentor. If he or she can’t be trusted to

keep confidences, your relationship will be superficial at best – damaging at

worst. I know of one mentee who shared with his mentor, in confidence, his

frustrations about his boss’ poor delegation — only to discover, when he was

later called on the carpet, that the mentor had told his boss. The mentor said

that she’d done it to “create more openness between them” – but,

unfortunately, that strategy backfired, and the mentee was left with a worse

relationship with his boss than before.

Honesty: If you’re brave enough to ask your mentor for advice, he or she

needs to be brave enough to give you a straight answer. If you’re

contemplating taking a new job, for instance, and you explain the situation

and ask for your mentor’s point of view – he or she should give it to you,

unvarnished. I was in that situation a few years ago, and told my mentee that

it didn’t sound like a great opportunity; I thought she was overqualified, and

would soon be bored with the job. She responded that, while she agreed, she

believed she could quickly get promoted. I encouraged her to look more

closely at that part of the organization and decide whether that was a realistic

expectation, or wishful thinking on her part. She ultimately chose not to go for

the job, because on deeper exploration it looked as though there was actually

very little possibility for advancement.

Curiosity: This one may seem counter-intuitive – isn’t it the mentee’s

responsibility to be curious about the mentor? Yes. And…if the mentor isn’t

curious about you: who you are, how you’re wired, what’s important to you,

what you’ve done so far and how it’s working for you – it’s unlikely his or her

advice will be very helpful. It will more likely be generic wisdom that won’t be

targeted to you at all. One mentee was thrilled to be connected with a very

senior, very experienced executive in his organization. But after the first few

months of being dazzled by the big names and big experiences the mentor

threw around, the mentee realized that she knew nothing about him, and

wasn’t sharing anything much that he could apply to his own career.

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Generosity of Spirit: This is essential. A great mentor wants you to

succeed, and he or she will actively support your success with words and

action. The great mentor will never be envious or feel threatened by your

growth; he or she will congratulate you on your triumphs and help you recover

from your setbacks. The generous mentor will make connections or offer

resources that could be useful to you whenever he or she can. Most important,

a generous mentor believes in your potential, and communicates that to you

freely and with hope. The generous mentor supports you to become the person

you want to become.

Having a mentor can be helpful; having a mentor who is self-reflective,

discreet, honest, curious, and generous can be life-changing.

I’d love to hear about any experiences you’ve had with a mentor, good or bad,

and any other advice you might have for choosing a great one.

How To Find And Use A Mentor

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What’s leader readiness? Find out here.