FOSTERING THE DEVELOPMENT OF FREELY-GIVEN RELATIONSHIPS

PRESENTED BYTOM DOODY

OUTLINE OF TOPIC AREAS• The Problem—Why Don’t People Have Friends?

• A Definition—Relationships For Today’s Presentation

• Obstacles to Freely-Given Relationships

• Setting the Stage

• Agency Based Strategies

• Studying the Ordinary

• Roles and Qualities of Effective Supporters

THE PROBLEM IS DEVALUATION

• Different in Ways Seen as Significant• Person or Group Defined by Difference• Differentness is Valued Negatively• Person or Group is Valued Negatively• Leads to Negative Responses from Others

DEVALUATION, NOT DISABILITY,IS THE PROBLEM

WHAT “WORKS” FOR PEOPLEWhat works best for people in general also works

best for people with disabilities. For example, it works best when disabled people:

• Live in real homes – homes like those where most non-disabled people live.

• Live, work, volunteer, learn, shop, contribute, and play in community.

• Spend most time with non-disabled people—family, friends, and age peers.

• Keep medical and other specialized services in the background.

SOME ELEMENTS OF FRIENDSHIP

• Freely-Given/Unpaid• Presence/Sufficient Contact• Enduring• Flexible• Caring/Heartfelt• Trust• Help in Times of Need• Mutually Rewarding—Perhaps Not Equal

ALL KINDS OF GOOD RELATIONSHIPS ARE PART OF THE GOOD LIFE

• Enduring, Good, Loving, Supportive Families Are Wonderful

• Enduring, Good, Loving, Supportive Staff Are Wonderful

• Enduring, Good, Loving, Supportive Disabled Friends are WonderfulALL ARE IMPORTANT, BUT EVEN IF ALL ARE

PRESENT, THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH

FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT, BUT…

• Focus on More Prevalent, and Easier to Support, Relationships Drives Out Efforts to Foster Freely-Given Relationships

• Need Not Seen or Addressed• If Need Known, Not Seen as Important Priority• Usually Not an Explicit Part of Staff Role• Possibilities of Other Relationships Not Seen• Little or No Action to Foster and Support Freely-Given Relationships

SOME MAJOR ELEMENTS OF CURRENT SITUATION

• Societal Values Mediate Against Freely-Given Relationships—Negative Attitudes

• Devaluation Continues—Rejection is Real• Long History of Segregation—Little Experience• Great Dependence on Paid, Expert Services• Lack of Consciousness of Natural Ways

Relationships Begin and Develop• Lack of Experience Supporting Others’

Relationships in Background Roles

SETTING THE STAGEConvenience of Contact

•Close to Others’ Home and Jobs•Close to Places People Meet•Good Transportation•Good Access

SETTING THE STAGEMaking Impressions That

Invites Contact and Interaction

• Image Enhancing Physical Settings• Positively Valued Personal Associations

*Staff *Others Served *Other People

• Image Enhancing, Inviting Activities• Positively Valued Appearance & Mannerisms• Image Enhancing Language and Stories

SETTING THE STAGEActivities Inviting Contact

• Others Actually Present• Interaction Natural• Repeated Contacts Possible• Good Match for the Person *Interests *Competence *Contribution• Opportunity for Shared Participation• Opportunity for Valued Roles

AGENCY-BASED STRATEGIES• Change the Person• Stimulate Existing/Potential Network• Involve Person in New Groups• Agency-Based Volunteer Program• Workers’ Personal Networks• Urge Others to Reach Out• Broker Through Specially Committed

Other Person• Semi-Independent Program• Independent Program

CONSIDERATIONS FOR DESIGNING & EVALUATING AGENCY APPROACHES

Likely Effectiveness and Convenience of:•Recruitment•Orientation•Naturalness•Relationship Growth/Value•Support•Independence•Further Integration•Duration of Relationships

CULTURALLY-VALUED ANALOGUE LESSONS FROM THE ORDINARY

“A societal practice (a) which can be encountered with at least reasonable frequency in the valued sector of society, (b) with which most members of the society would be familiar, (c) of which most members of the society would hold positive expectations and images, (d) which constitutes a valued parallel to a practice performed by or with devalued people.”—PASSING: Wolf Wolfensberger & Susan Thomas

BRINGING ORDINARY LESSONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS TO CONSCIOUSNESS• For People in General• For Different Age-Groups• For Different Subcultures• For Different Situations• For Different Kinds of Relationships

Asking Ourselves—Interrogating Our ExperienceAsking Others—Interrogating Their Experience

LESSONS FROM THE ORDINARYWHAT DO SISTERS DO?

• Shop• Meals and Coffee—Home and Out• Entertainment—Movies, Plays, Concerts, Etc.• Support Other Family Members--Children• Discuss (Complain About) Others in Family• Family Celebrations and Traditions

LESSONS FROM THE ORDINARYDEEPENING ROLES & RELATIONSHIPS• School—Classmate and School Friend• Work—Coworker and Work Friend• Home—Neighbor and Neighbor Friend• Church—Fellow Parishioner and Church

Friend• Formal Group—Member and Colleague• Informal Group—Presence and “Regular”• Family—Weddings/Funerals and Closest Ally

INTEROGATING THE ORDINARY

• What Do: Neighbors, Church Members, Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and Others Do Together?

• How Do: Neighbors, Church Members, Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and Others Meet?

• How Do: Neighbors, Church Members, Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and Others Get to Know Each Other?

INTEROGATING (CONTINUED)

• How Do Neighbors, Church Members, Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and Others Grow Closer?

• How Do Neighbors, Church Members, Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and Others Become Friends?

• How Do Friends Become Close Friends—Even Enduring and Intimate Friends?

LESSONS FROM THE ORDINARY:FROM FRIEND TO CLOSE FRIEND

• Making Time for Each Other• Openness and Sharing• Genuineness and Mutual Vulnerability• Honesty and Trust• Profound Understanding and Acceptance• There for Each Other—Presence High PriorityHow? Time Passing, Responding in Hard Times,

Making Sacrifices, Forgiveness, Acknowledging Each Other, Proving the Caring

INDIVIDUALIZED SUPPORT PLANSLEVELS OF SUPPORT

• None—Get Out of the Way• Minimal—Suggestions and Encouragement• Guidance—Ideas and Coaching• Behind—Background Presence and Help• With—Presence and Active Assistance• For—Inviting, Arranging and Doing• To—Create and Structure Good Opportunity

PRINCIPLES OF THE SUPPORTER ROLEPREPARING ONESELF

•Maintain Clarity of Purpose•High Expectations and Positive Assumptions for All Involved Parties•Consciousness of Obstacles and Facilitators•Truly Respecting and Valuing People•Modeling Desirable Patterns of Interaction•Plan and Prepare Thoughtfully for One Person

PRINCIPLES OF THE SUPPORTER ROLEENGAGING WITH OTHERS

•Follow Image Enhancing Practices•Use Natural and Typical Means as Much as Possible •Act and Adapt with and for Individuals•Welcome and Engage Openness•Encourage Interaction•Explore Possibilities for Repeat Contact•Adequate Support and Minimal Presence

PRINCIPLES OF THE SUPPORTER ROLEONGOING EFFORTS

• Openness to Opportunities• Persisting Through Inevitable Rejection• Avoiding Paralysis• Sacrificing Ones Own Opportunities• Learning—Always—From Experiences in Own

Relationships and Supporting Others in Theirs• Maintain Consistent and Persistent Effort

CONCLUSION—GETTING STARTED

• Embrace Importance of Friendship & Belonging

• Know Community Belonging and Freely-Given Relationships are Possible for Everyone

• Know That Each of Us—No Matter Our Current Role—Can Take Positive Action

• Live Inclusive Friendship & Belonging in Your Own Life First—Legitimate Invitation to Others

Contact Information

North Quabbin Citizen AdvocacyPO Box 362, Orange, MA 01364, USA978-544-7794 nqca@verizon.net

The Doodys94 Michael Lane, Orange, MA 01364, USA978-575-0152 tpdoody@excite.com