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CONTENTS
DEDICATION ... 2
OUR STORY . 4
CHAPTER ONE: A NEW WAY TO SEE YOUR RELATIONSHIP .12
CHAPTER TWO: L IS FOR LITTLE THINGS .. 36
CHAPTER THREE: O IS FOR emOtional CONNECTION ... 54
CHAPTER FOUR: V IS FOR VICTORY.... 66
CHAPTER FIVE: E IS FOR ETERNITY ... 83
CHAPTER SIX: HOW TO RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP ..96
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Our Story
I started writing this book with our children and grandchildren in mind. Jennifer and I
have an unusually good relationship; in fact, our good marriage may be the greatest legacy we
leave. So, I began writing this as a letter to our yet to be born descendents and their future
spouses. I wanted to be personal and intimate, revealing aspects of our lives and how we became
so successful in our relationship. Though the format has changed from letters to manuscript, I
still consider my words a personal message to them.
Jennifer and I are experts. But we are not experts like relationship icons Dr. John
Gottman and Dr. Phil McGraw. Their research and clinical expertise sets them in a totally
different realm than our expertise. We are familiar with experts like them because we have read
their books and attended their workshops. In fact, much of what relationship experts have written
about we have incorporated into our relationship. When I first set out to write this as a book, I
was going to include references to research done in the field of relationships. A couple of factors
made me change my mind.
First, I discovered that nearly every book written on relationships was full of statistics
and references to studies. So I thought I would be different. What if I wrote from the heart and
just shared the secrets of our success? I liked that idea.
Second, I found out that many references to statistics and studies are over generalized in
many books. For instance, a study was recently released about how married people are wealthier
than divorced people. Now that, I thought, would be a great piece to include in my book. So
I contacted my friend Dr. Cameron Lee, who is professor of marriage and family studies at the
School of Psychology of Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena. I asked him if the study was
reliable. He answered that it was a longitudinal study, which gave it more credibility. The
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congregational life. In the congregation, I work with families from cradle to grave. The context is
real life and the work is dynamic. I wish every clergy person had the counseling background I
have; I am sure they would benefit from it. A lot of what is presented here I developed from pre-
marital counseling and crisis counseling for troubled marriages. I also have a Doctorate from the
School of Theology at Fuller Seminary. This is where I developed my ideas about culture and
spirituality. My point is that while I have read widely and have plenty of experience working
with people, I claim only to be an expert of my own relationship.
Jennifer is an expert also. As a successful business woman and leader of a family
business, she brings her unique perspective to our project. People have a strong attachment to
their property and money and emotions run high in real estate transactions. Over the years she
has honed her relationship skills in the heat of raw real estate transactions. She knows about
peoples Wall of Protection. And she knows how to help them lower it. She truly is an expert in
her field and well respected as a leader in the local real estate community. She is ethical,
professional and, more than that, she knows how to relate well to her clients and colleagues.
Consequently, her insights inform every section of our book. I find her feminine wisdom to be
practical and down to earth. It is a privilege for me to watch her work with people, helping them
to buy and sell homes, helping them to realize dreams. When we present our workshop together
the audience always comments especially about her contribution. It is refreshing to see a real life
person talk about real life issues. As you will see from her contributions, she is genuine and
speaks from her heart. She speaks with practical authority, not just as a clinician.
Let me tell you how our relationship started. Jennifer and I were high school sweethearts.
She was fifteen and I was seventeen years old when a family friend suggested that we meet. I
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discovered that Jennifer was a volunteer at the hospital where I worked as a dietary aide, but we
had not yet been introduced. One day I passed by a young girl standing near the elevator. Are
you Bryan? she asked. I stopped in my tracks, realizing who this must be. Jennifer? I
responded. In that moment, fireworks went off like the Fourth of July right there in the middle
of the hallway next to the elevators. It was the beginning of our long and great love. I understand
there is a plaque there to this day commemorating that great event. Well . . . there should be one.
I was a moody teenager with little direction in life and Jennifer was a bubbly girl for
whom there were no gloomy days. She brought light to my life and I quickly fell in love with
her. She enjoyed my dark side. Our infatuation led to a pregnancy that was, as you can imagine,
untimely.
Getting a girl pregnant throws a boy into a world of confusion, like being caught up in a
Kansas tornado but landing in a Grimms-fairy-tail. Initially, I suffered from undying optimism
with my wanna-be-hippie sub-culture idealism. Its all cool. Dont freak out, man. This has
happened before and people make it. You know . . . plenty of families have started under worse
circumstances and have done just fine. Its really no problem, man, everything is cool, man. I
was certain that Jennifer would be a great mother and that together we would not only survive,
we would thrive . . . somehow. But I hadnt thought about the little things like how I would
provide for my new family, how I would pay for the medical expenses, how my parents would
respond, how Jennifers parents would respond, how our pregnancy would effect my education,
what about Jennifers education, where would we live? As I look back now I just shake my head
in disbelief about how nave and idealistic I was. I was brave and hippy cool, but ignorant.
The reality was not cool at all.
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Our families immediately went into crisis mode. When Jennifer told her mom about the
pregnancy, her mom didnt speak to her for days. Jennifer was virtually isolated and I was
strictly off limits. We had to sneak phone calls. My parents were against us getting married.
They didnt offer any financial support and my dad threatened to stay away from the wedding.
(On the day of the wedding I wasnt sure he would show up.) On top of that, I had to appear in
court. Jennifer was underage and we needed the permission of her parents and a judge to marry. I
had never experienced the solemnity and formality of court before and I was tail-between-my-
legs intimidated. I could barely give one word responses to the judges questions.
There was no money for us, period. We had no savings, no checking account and we had
to scrounge for funds for an apartment. We had to negotiate public assistance for medical
coverage. I had to quit college and work full time for meager hourly wages as a Nursing
Assistant. (I had to shove my long hair under a short hair wig per hospital regulations rather than
submit to the tyranny of the authority.). It was embarrassing, humbling and Grimm like. I was
scared, but more than that I was completely oblivious of the awesome and onerous task of caring
for a baby. Reality was setting in faster than Jennifers belly grew. If it hadnt been for the
practical faith and help of Jennifers parents, I dont know what we would have done.
Before we could be married, premarital counseling was required by the church. To their
credit, the church had a counseling center staffed by a licensed psychologist. After a grueling
afternoon of compatibility testing, the psychologist sat us down and delivered some bad new. We
were not compatible. Our temperament analysis revealed that Jennifer was too assertive and I
was too passive. He recommended that we not marry. Actually you did not have to be a rocket
scientist to figure out that we had little going for us. We were both teenagers; we had next to no
financial resources; our families were less than supportive; we were pregnant; and now the
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psychologist said we were incompatible. The odds were against us; in fact, I would say that our
situation was a prescription for a disaster!
And that is how it all began. Now, all these years later, Jennifer and I are a statistical
oddity; we are still married. But our longevity is not the main point here. No, lots of couples
have been married a long time, but miserably. We actually have deep love for each other. . . and
we are best friends.
So we write this book as a testimony to what is possible in what seems like an impossible
relationship. This book is a story of hope and some good strategies too. We hope that you may be
encouraged and inspired by our practically perfect relationship.
Essentially the book is divided into five parts and a conclusion. The first chapter sets
forth a paradigm that many people enjoy and see in their own relationships. I introduce the four
pressures that every relationship faces, including an interesting view about culture. I also
introduce The Wall of Protection and the need that every individual has for personal safety. Then
I state that people only feel genuinely safe in the presence of love. I use the acronym LOVE to
fill out the rest of the book.
Next is the L chapter. The L stands for little things. Here I include a brief exposition
on the three-fold nature of love and how little things and affection are the epitome of love. The
O chapter is about how couples can develop a deep emotional connection by sharing their
dreams. The discerning reader will recognize John Gottmans work in our discussion about
sharing dreams. The V chapter is about being Victorious as couple battle lifes problems
together. Here I often speak frankly, in the voice of Phil McGraw. . . You know what to do . . .
just do it. The E chapter (E stands for Eternity) is a wonderful essay about how to share a
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meaningful life together. It is chock-full of ideas for you. The final chapter contains some humor
and a serious tone about how to ruin a perfectly good relationship and summarizes our book in
one-fell-swoop.
Each chapter has exercises to do, and let me say that you would be a fool to use this book
without the exercises. They are all tried and true -- so just do them. A neat feature of our book is
the dialogue between Jennifer and me at the end of each chapter (except the summary chapter).
These are actual discussions that Jennifer and I had about the chapters. I recorded our
discussions, edited them for the book and had Jennifer approve the final content. These are some
of my favorite parts of the book.
I can tell you honestly that the material in this book is the stuff that Jennifer and I actually
do. I can also honestly tell you that we are not the only ones who think we have a practically
perfect marriage. My mother-in-law will also testify that we have one heck of a good marriage.
Now, if you can get your mother-in-law to validate your marriage, then yours must be practically
perfect too.
Jennifer and I wish you great love. May Gods love flow through your heart to your
world.
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Chapter One: A New Way to See Your Relationship
This chapter requires your participation. You will need paper to write on and a pencil with an
eraser. Believe me, you will need the eraser.
Your Relationship Circle
I could tell you, but showing you is better. So, on the space provided draw a small upside
down V (like this /\) about near bottom/center of the space.
Next draw a large circle so that it rest on top of the /\. It should look like a ball resting on
a point, sort of like the earth spinning on its axis, or a basketball spinning on a players finger.
This is your relationship sphere.
Now draw a smaller square inside the circle in the upper left quadrant. Similarly, draw a
smaller circle next to the square in the upper right quadrant. These represent you and your
partner; men are squares (just ask the women), and the circle represents women. This is the
picture of your relationship. It should look something like this:
Your relationship circle is trying to remain balanced on that point. Loving is fun when
there is a good balance in the relationship. If only it was that simple.
Spin and Balance
But it is not that simple. The basketball player can keep the ball on his finger as long as
the ball keeps spinning. When the ball losses its spin, it starts to wobble and, if the player doesnt
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give it more spin, the ball will fall to the ground. The fallen ball is a victim of gravity, the force
that is constantly pressuring the ball.
Your relationship is like the spinning ball: as long as it keeps spinning then it keeps
balanced. What keeps the relationship spinning? Love! Love acts like the energy that flows
between the two of you and provides the balance you need. When you have fun loving, your
relationship is spinning like a top.
Jennifer and I have had a lot of fun loving in our relationship. Early in our relationship
we lived in southern California while I finished college and graduate school. Like most of our
friends, we were poor students, but we found inexpensive ways to entertain ourselves. In those
days, there was a dancing water show at the Disneyland Hotel. We could not afford to go to the
Disneyland Park, but we could go and watch the free dancing water show at the hotel. We also
enjoyed walks along the beach at Corona Del Mar, strolling through the malls hand in hand,
basically going on cheap dates. In spite of the pressure of school and being short of money, we
were very affectionate. I am sure that the flow of love between us, including the fun things we
did together, helped to keep our relationship balanced.
The Four Pressures
But, like the never ending force of gravity, the pressure was constantly on us. When the
pressure got too bad, weird things happened in our relationship. Those weird things forced me to
try to understand them. After all these years, I have simplified the pressures of life into four
categories. These are pressures from outside our relationship that are constantly pushing on us.
They never end. They will always be there, and they have the potential to completely knock our
relationship off balance unless we figure out ways to keep the spin going. Every relationship in
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the world is subject to these pressures no one escapes them. In spite of the pressure we know,
by our own experience and that of many others, couples not only can manage the pressures, but
by working together and having fun loving, can keep balanced spinning like a turbine engine!
Let me tell you what these pressures are.
Go back to your drawing and draw a bold arrow pointing to the relationship circle from
the upper left. We are going to make four such bold arrows one in the upper left, one in the upper
right, one in the lower right and one in the lower left, each representing an outside pressure
bearing on the relationship circle. Your drawing should look something like this:
Culture
Label the lower left squiggly bold arrow Culture. Culture is the most insidious
pressure, yet it has the most potential to be used and benefited from. Here is what I mean by
culture: it is how meaning for life, from a specific perspective, is transmitted to others (and
generations) over time in ways that affects beliefs (including values and priorities), behaviors
(including practices and rules), and the things (including rituals and artifacts) of specific groups.
Culture determines what is important and meaningful for people. It tells you how to be
within your particular group. It includes the rules, what is right and wrong conduct, and what
roles have priority. Cultures have systems that regulate group functions. Examples of culture
include religions, ethnic heritage, business groups (including the culture at your job), regional
distinctives (like being from the south is different than being from the north and being from the
east coast is different than being from California), political parties, as well as sub-cultures like
lifestyle groups. People learn culture formally in schools and training programs and informally at
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or religion of origin, these cultural identities carry a tremendous amount of meaning that are
often regarded as God given or eternal truths and mandates of how to live.
Ethnicity and culture related to national heritage prescribe your distinctive sense of
belonging or your roots. In the United States of America being of Irish, Italian, German,
English, Scottish, African, Latin, Russian, or one of many other ethnic or national origins is full
of cultural significance. Many of these groups also have religious roots as well.
Sub-cultures also have power, especially youth oriented sub-cultures. As young people
forge a sense of individual identity and group belonging they feel strongly about culture. Some
sub-cultures have gender or sexual specificity. Many sub-cultures are characterized by distinctive
music, fashion, body art, language, and a powerful need and pressure to conform to the cultural
expectations of the sub-group.
Business and professional cultures function the same way. Business cultures often
emphasize the need to be a team. There is a lot of pressure to conform to the culture of the
organization. Those who know how to work the system, to use the culture, are the ones who
thrive.
The pressure to conform to culture is titanic and irresistible. Even if you are a monk
living in the desert you will be influenced by the prevailing culture. Culture tells you what is
meaningful in life and how to achieve satisfaction and significance in a particular context or in
society in general. Culture defines success, dictates how you dress, where you live, the career
you choose, the kind of car you drive, the life mate you choose, how you will raise your children,
the schools you and your children attend, even how to grow old! Most of your shoulds and
oughts originate within your culture. It dictates your conduct and thinking at home, at work,
and at play.
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Many good souls are lost in the matrix of man made culture. This happens when people
take on and hold to cultural mandates at the expense of their own unique identity. It is like they
try to emulate culture to the nth degree. They are obsessed with the driving need to conform to
the cultural stereotype. You see this in popular culture, sub-cultures (from gothic to jocks), even
religions and sub culture in religions. There are specific and certain ways to be in every
cultural and religious group. If we let it, our very identity can be swallowed up by culture.
Early in my spiritual life I was immersed in the neo-Pentecostal movement in Southern
California. It powerfully directed many aspects of my life, some of it was positive and some was
not so positive. I let it influence me, though, because it was important to fit in and belong, to do
the right thing, according to the culture. Now I am more discerning about my spiritual life. I
consider the wisdom of my faith and make my own judgments rather than blindly accepting
cultural mandates.
Of the four pressures listed in this book culture is perhaps the most treacherous because it
is largely unseen, yet it will demand your very self! On the other hand, because all culture is man
made, it is a merely a tool. Those who understand the toolness of culture skillfully use it and
forge great achievement and personal success by using culture. Keeping abreast of the ever
changing nature of culture is like riding an exhilarating wave, fast and exciting. Nevertheless,
managing culture is very stressful on the relationship circle.
Next, I will ask you to complete a very important exercise. On your drawing list the
culture settings that you find your self in and next to each one place a + on the positive culture
settings and a - next to the negative culture settings. Here is a hint about what is positive and
what is negative. Positive cultures affirm your unique contribution, give you a sense of belonging
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to something bigger than yourself, and contribute to the greater well-being of all. The negative
factors add a significant amount of pressure to your relationship sphere.
Culture Exercise
1. Tell your partner which is the most influential culture (positive or negative) in your life.
2. Share how you use culture for your benefit.
3. Share how your culture uses you.
4. Tell your partner about one person who uses your culture well.
5. Share two ways that your cultural setting puts pressure on you and your relationship.
6. Brainstorm what you can do in your cultural context to enhance your unique identity and
benefit your relationship.
The Economy
Label the upper left bold arrow with the $ sign. This represents the economy; your
personal economy and every economic factor affecting you. This includes everything that
contributes to your personal economy (your work, income, property, liabilities, debts, your
personal and family financial dreams and goals, etc,) and the world economy (national and world
markets and trends and every factor that affects them).
Financial pressure is significant, even if your finances are well managed. Many people
consider money to be the biggest issue facing them. Jennifer and I struggled for years about our
finances. It seemed we never had enough money. We raised four kids, mostly on a ministers
salary. It was always tight at our house. Jennifer used to boast that she was the only one in the
world who could feed a family of six for three meals with one chicken. On top of being poor, we
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over the stage boldly stating, Welcome to the Annual Meeting of People from Functional
Families? There are a host of family problems including, controlling parents, money hungry
siblings, declining elderly parents, shared family money problems, as well as dependency and
co-dependency problems.
Jennifers family values closeness. They stay connected and involved in each others
lives. Some relationship experts call this enmeshment because the family is constantly
enmeshed in each others emotional life. My family (FOO) values more distance and
separateness. Consequently, we only check in with each other several times a year. Some family
experts call this disengagement because there is very little emotional connection. It seems like
when a serious problem confronts us, we automatically revert to what we learned in our family
of origin. Jennifer would circle the wagons and solicit help from family members and I would
slip into my leave me alone, I can figure this out without your help mode. You can probably
guess that we have had more than a few fiery moments.
Many FOO problems are handed down from generation to generation; problems like
poverty, teen pregnancy, family violence, drug and alcohol abuse, learning problems, and so on.
I have heard so many outrageous FOO and Friend stories, and have so much personal
experience, that it makes me wonder how people are able to get along as well as they do. Not all
families are dysfunctional. Yes, there are some fine families out there. If your family is or was
functional then give thanks. For the rest of us, in the upper right corner write down some of the
FOO and Friend problems you face.
Disease
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Finally, label the lower right squiggly bold arrow Disease. I categorize three kinds of
disease that put an incredible amount of pressure on couples: Physical, Mental, and Addictions.
Physical disease relates to a host of medical and injury problems from heart disease and
diabetes to injuries due to accidents. If your family has ever had to suffer through disease or life
threatening accidents then I dont need to tell you about the pressure. Sooner or later you will
face some physical disease. Childhood diseases, like cancers or congenital problems, create huge
pressures for couples. The death of a child is unfathomable. The pain creates such chaos that
many couples simply cannot tolerate it and the marriage also dies.
Jennifers sister and brother-in-law, Norma and Dave, were nearly killed in a motorcycle
accident on Easter Sunday, April 15, 2001. Our local paper actually printed that Norma had died
in the accident. Their injuries were so bad that The Learning Channel heard about it and wanted
to chronicle their case in a special TV feature about medical emergencies. Norma and Dave
required months in the hospital, much of that time in ICU. We did not know from day to day if
they would live. Jennifer had to quit her job so that she could attend to Norma and Daves estate.
Our lives were suddenly thrown into a chaotic blur of the literally daily struggle of life and death.
The emotional stress of dealing with the unknown consequences of their accident was
completely unlike anything we have every experienced in our lives. We lived in a virtual
Twilight Zone. Miraculously Dave is now able to walk, though he often uses a hiking pole for
assistance, and Norma is mobile as well, but both are significantly disabled. Our lives have
never been the same since then. What amazes me is the vast number of people that we have met,
known or heard about who have suffered even worse tragedies. In some cases, like ours, the
event actually deepened the connection between couples, yet in others the stress literally drove
them apart. I am not sure what makes the difference. I am sure that I would not want to judge
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couples who didnt make it. My point is simply this: the stress from physical illness and injury is
devastating, often beyond measure and understanding.
Mental disease includes mood disorders, like depression and anxiety, and other
debilitating mental illnesses like Bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, even character disorders;
disorders that you might find in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders.
Millions of families struggle with the pressure of mental disease, from the stigma of it to the
social, financial, and legal ramifications. News reports about individuals with mental disease
appear daily. Behind each story is a family attempting to manage with the consequences of the
disease. One of our children has a learning disorder that required constant management through
his school years. Once again, if your family has ever had to deal with the consequences of mental
disease, you know the stress of it.
Addiction problems are ubiquitous and many are not acknowledged. The number of
people with alcohol and drug problems is staggering. Problem drinkers alone, those who are still
able to function at work, but who drink nearly everyday, put incredible stress on their
relationships. Drug problems and obsession also affect millions of families with horrendous
pressure.
My extended family has experienced all three of the disease pressure problems. I
mentioned my wifes sister and her husbands motorcycle accident and my sons learning
disability. We also have several family members who have struggled with mental disease. Twice
I have experienced the pain of a major depressive episode (not just the moody for a couple
days kind, but the O my God, I am a worm, my world is coming to an end, just let me die for
a couple of months kind). Some of my family members have struggled with the negative effects
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of alcohol and drug abuse over the years. I can tell you from first hand experience; the disease
puts a tremendous amount of pressure on a relationship.
Now, what about your relationship sphere; which disease related problems does your
relationship endure; physical, mental, addiction? If you can, write down the disease pressure that
your relationship experiences.
These four pressures exert varying degrees of pressure on individuals and relationships
(not to mention businesses and organizations). You and your relationship can tolerate them well,
most of the time. But when the pressure becomes too intense another phenomenon happens.
The Wall of Protection
Here is a story I like to tell to introduce The Wall of Protection.
A man was fishing at the lake one day enjoying the warmth, the beauty of the day,delighting in his catch, when he felt as if he were being watched. When he turned to seewhat might be watching he saw a large bear gazing at him. He immediately dropped hisfishing pole and started running, the bear close behind him. As he ran he was not thinkingof certain things. He was not thinking about his well-deserved pay raise at work. He wasnot thinking about his next mortgage payment. He was not thinking about stopping by tovisit his mother after fishing. He was not thinking about the problems his wife washaving with her sister. He was not thinking about his scheduled medical exam and hisborderline diabetes. He was not thinking about that hot little red convertible that he wasdreaming about. In fact, he was not thinking about his wife and family, other thanwondering if he would ever see them again. But he was thinking. He knew of a smallcave, too small for the large bear, just up the path. He was thinking about getting to safetybefore the bear got him. He was running as fast as he possibly could. When he got to thecave he barely squeezed through the long narrow opening and found safety in the smallcave just out of reach of the bear. He stayed there a long time before venturing out of thecave and finding his way home.
This story illustrates our most basic human need: safety. While there are a few
exceptions, we will do just about anything to save our selves. So, when the pressures of the
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culture, economy, our family of origin, and/or our disease become too intense and our personal
world feels unsafe, The Wall of Protection rises. The Wall of Protection creates a cave like
experience until we feel safe enough to lower the Wall of Protection.
The Wall of Protection is a natural God given gift and every person has one. This is one
of the most important concepts in Jennifers and my relationship success, so let me say it one
more time: The Wall of Protection is a natural human function; it is a gift of God which
automatically protects our emotional/spiritual self. The composition of The Wall varies from
person to person due to a variety of factors (genetics, environment, life history, personality, brain
chemistry, etc.). Some have applied the negative, pejorative term defense to this mechanism,
as if it existed to actively ward off an enemy. In fact many people consider The Wall of
Protection a weapon, but this is far from the truth. The Walls main function is to provide
personal safety for the owner of The Wall. Safety is the main issue.
Jennifer and I used to frequently argue about money issues, we still do sometimes, but
not with the same intensity because we are more aware of how our Walls work. But here is a
typically financial situation where The Wall would go up.
Honey, there are a couple checks missing in the check register. Do you know what they
were written for?
How should I know? Youre the one that keeps the check book. I wish you would stop
trying to blame me every time you cant handle our money.
Hey, wait a minute! Im just trying to do my part here. If you dont like the way Im
doing it, then you can have the stupid job. Just dont screw up like you did last time.
That wasnt my fault! You are the one who. . . .
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And the argument could continue on with blaming, defensiveness and accusations for
what seems like hours! It usually starts quite innocently, about pressure at work, money
pressures, family pressures or disease issues. When one or both of us lose our safe feeling, The
Wall of Protection goes up.
Here is an autopsy of Jennifers and my argument.
First, it is really important to me that I kept good accounting. In my sub-culture, being a
good husband means that I provide well for my family, keeping the family books is a key part of
that. So there is more to this argument than just bookkeeping. Bookkeeping, after all, is just the
emotionless task of record keeping, right? Not for me. A key part of my self is at stake. You
were not able to hear the tone in my voice in my written words, but it would be a safe bet to say
that it might have been a tiny bit accusatory. Okay, it was very accusatory. The point is, before I
even started this conversation, my Wall of Protection was rising because my self was feeling
threatened by not conforming to my cultural role of provider and record keeper.
Jennifer, on the other hand, has a strong need to be responsible, to be the good-guy.
Consequently, she really is attentive to details. If something, like something I said, makes her
feel like the bad-guy in an interaction, then you can bet that her Wall of Protection will go up.
When I asked about the missing checks it was as if I was accusing her of being irresponsible, a
bad guy in our relationship. Part of being safe for her is not being the bad-guy, so when it is not
safe, pop goes The Wall of Protection.
It didnt take long, when we first began our relationship, for me to realize that Jennifer
had a Wall of Protection. It took longer for me to see, know and own my own Wall. It took even
longer for Jennifer and me to figure out what to do about it. We hope that our experience will
help you honor and understand The Wall of Protection.
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It is amazing how easily The Wall goes up. That is because it is a natural God given part
of who we are as human beings. I am sure that this information about The Wall of Protection
rings a bell with you. You probably can see it in your life and in your loved ones, not to mentions
colleagues and co-workers. As you reflect on The Wall of Protection, take a moment to draw a
Wall between the circle and the square in your drawing. Here is an example:
You will immediately notice that, in spite of The Walls positive function of protecting, it
creates a problem with the flow of love and energy between the couple. When The Wall of
Protection is up, the flow of love slows. So The Wall feels like emotional distance. It is like a
bad phone connection or a dropped cell phone call. You can be sitting right next to your partner
and she seems a million miles a way, The Wall is at work.
The Wall has more than bad feelings associated with it -- The Wall can have negative
behaviors associated with it. You have heard the saying she is as mad as a mother bear. The
fact is that a mother bear will fight viciously to protect her young. The same is true regarding
protecting your self. A perceived threat can and often is met with hostility, even if it is just
passive aggression. Much has been written about the Flee or Fight response. We often engage
in the battle or flee the scene in an act of self protection. These negative behaviors simply mask
The Wall owners need for personal safety.
The Wall of Protection Exercise
What does your Wall of Protection look like? For me The Wall is withdrawal. I will
clam-up, get real quiet, and stop participating in the conversation. Jennifer, on the other hand,
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becomes more assertive, almost in-your-face and then the yous start flowing. Take a
moment now to share with your partner what your Wall of Protection looks like.
What Does Safety Look Like?
Now that you know what The Wall of Protection looks like, what does safety look like?
Personal safety varies from person to person depending on a variety of factors; genetic
predispositions, family of origin, body chemistry, environmental factors, health and diet issues,
personality type, cultural influences, and more. The best indicator of personal safety is Well-
being. Well-being is the subjective feeling that ones world is relatively safe. Well-being varies
in intensity, duration and from person to person. When you are at your base-line level of Well-
being, you can say, without reservation or qualification, It is well with my soul, and you can
say it in spite of the problems and chaos of the world around you.
One day Jennifer and I trekked to Glacier Point overlooking Yosemite Valley. Beautiful
North Dome and Basket Dome were across the valley; it seemed as if I could reach out and touch
them. To the east was Half Dome, the majestic symbol of Yosemite, jutting out, rugged and
enduring for millennia. As I leaned over the railing the firm gentle cool breeze from the Valley
whooshed against my body, and as I closed my eyes, it was if it had lifted me over the valley and
I was soaring. While I was there, I was fully aware of the struggles and episodes of human life,
nevertheless, it was well with my soul. That is just one example of what Well-being feels like.
Another example is sitting quietly with Jennifer in the morning, having a cup of coffee, reading
together, as the peace of the moment flows. Another example is just knowing that I am in the
flow of life, busy, productive, contributing, and connected to the important people in my life.
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Well-being is subject to the factors mentioned above and the pressures of life. Love flows
freely when you are in a state of Well-being. I have read widely, talked with many people, and
have plenty of experiences, enough to know that there are many pictures and metaphors for
Well-being. What is Well-being like for you?
Well-being Exercise
With your partner share how you experience Well-being. What are the times and occasions that
generate Well-being?
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
Thank God! The Berlin wall came down. For many years we lived with the constant
threat of the cold war. The dread of a nuclear World War III and total destruction was always in
the back of our minds. Our Wall of Protection can cause the same feelings of dread. So the
question that naturally arises is: How do you get The Wall down? Certainly not by shear will or
force.
Before I answer that question, let me tell you this: you cannot lower another persons
Wall. The owner of The Wall is the only one who can lower The Wall. Reason will not lower
The Wall. Manipulation will not lower it. Force and violence will not lower it. In fact it is
impossible to lower another persons Wall, more than that, any attempt to lower some one elses
Wall by any means will only increase the height, depth and density of The Wall. The only way
to lower The Wall of Protection is when the owner of The Wall feels safe enough to lower it.
The owner has to lower it! He or she will only lower it when it is relatively safe to do so.
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What follows now is another one of the key points of this book: The best way to create
safety for the owner of The Wall is to love them! Furthermore, Fun Loving is a dynamic,
consistent way to keep it down. When the owner of The Wall feels, knows, and experiences love
then The Wall will begin to come down. The Wall will come down in the presence of love. Then,
with The Wall lower, the flow of love between the two will increase and the relationship sphere
will spin and balance will be restored.
That is what the rest of this book is about; keeping the flow of love flowing, so that, in
spite of the pressures of the world and The Walls that we own we can have a balanced
relationship, enjoy personal Well-being while having Fun Loving.
LOVE
Write the letters L O V E vertically above The Wall on your page like this:
L.
O.
V.
E.
Let me introduce you to Fun Loving. In fact, lets have some fun while we are learning about it.
Each of the letters of love stands for one of the four principles of Fun Loving. Here they are.
The L stands for little things. I believe that little things, more than anything else, will
quickly improve the flow of love and the quality of your relationship. The more affection you
share, the greater the flow of love.
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O stands for your emotional connection. O is a picture from above of two people
standing face to face, gazing intently into each others eyes, holding hands. It is what I call Gods
view. Imagine that the parenthesis on the left is you ( and the one on the right is your spouse )
now watch what happens when they join ( ), ( ), () or O. It represents your emotional
connection. Your emotional connection is where the depth of your relationship is created and
sustained.
V stands for Victory. Battling the Four Pressures of life is a never ending war. They
are as relentless as barbarian invaders. If these diabolic entities were actually people or gods their
main tactic would be to divide the two of you and have you fight each other. Lovers fighting
each other is the greatest irony on earth. On the other hand, lovers fighting together is the key to
managing all the pressures of life. Victory is achieved each time the two of you manage these
ongoing pressures well, with fun and humor, respect, flexibility, and a willingness to be
influence by your partner.
E is the spiritual part of your relationship. I am not speaking about religion here,
though studies point to many health benefits for religious people. What I am referring to is
having meaning for life together. Frankly, many couples just seem to exist together. Some
merely have material goals together. I believe that life consists of more than just living together,
acquiring things. In fact, couples who share meaning in life, what I call spirituality seem to do
better, studies indicate.
This is love; doing little things, maintaining an emotional connection, managing life
problems together, and having a sense of meaning and purpose in life together.
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The rest of this book is about LOVE and Fun Loving, how it sustains the energy that
keeps your relationship balanced and how it created safety for people to keep The Wall down or
to lower it when the pressure is too intense.
This relationship circle, trying to balance under the pressures of the world, with love
flowing and generating sustaining energy is a picture of your relationship. Now, stick with this
and keep reading to learn more about love.
An Interview with Jennifer
Bryan: How does culture affect our relationship?
Jennifer: I think culture and finances have been tied closely together for us. The Christian sub-
culture that we were in emphasized a poverty mentality; not to acquire much, not to have
much. That poverty mentality conflicted with my desire to have more and that created a tension
in our relationship. The culture said to have nothing, but the desire was to have something.
Bryan: How did we manage or change that problem?
Jennifer: Eventually we changed our culture, we moved out of that sub-culture group and out of
the poverty mentality.
Bryan: You just touched on an interesting point; that the four pressures often overlap.
Jennifer: I think that FOO and Disease overlap often in our extended family. FOO and Finances
overlap, too. I see that in Real Estate as families deal with inheritance and what they see as
family entitlements. Culture and Disease overlap when sub-cultures advocate recreational drug
and alcohol abuse. For instance the culture at work may demand or pressure going out for drinks,
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encouraging or tolerating abuse. That creates tension at home, Well, I have to go out and have
drinks with the guys (or girls), it is part of the job.
Bryan: Of the four pressures mentioned in this chapter, which one put the most pressure on our
relationship, from your point of view?
Jennifer: The FOO and Disease pressures are what I feel the most. Our extended family
members lifestyles and values often conflict with our values and it creates issues that you and I
have to deal with. In the past when we dealt with extended family issues it would make me feel
not safe and needing to defend my family. My Wall would go up and I would get angry and get
involved with you in a direct in-your-face confrontation. Then your Wall would go up and look
like silence, withdrawal.
The difference between then and now is that I no longer feel like I am fighting you in
those extended family situations. It is more like we stand together against those situations or to
help deal with the problem. We are together in them. It is not you against me, or your family
against my family.
Bryan: How do you experience my Wall; what does it look like, how does it make you feel?
Jennifer: I used to perceive your Wall of Protection as a personal slam against me, or a personal
form of rejection. It was as if I owned your Wall and it was a bad reflection on me. Your Wall
reflected my self esteem. Now I realize that your Wall is just that; it is YOUR Wall, it is your
need for safety, and it has nothing to do with me or who I am or how I view life. It is your Wall.
So when your Wall goes up and you need silence, space or time, I am able to give that knowing
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that it is not a rejection of me. It is your need to find safety and I have learned to stop fishing in
the toilet.
Bryan: What do you mean stop fishing in the toilet?
Jennifer: Well, you may not remember, but one time your Wall was up and I thought that I had
done something wrong and started asking all kinds of questions, just to make sure I was not at
fault and you said, Listen, you are okay, but if you keep fishing in my toilet youre going to
catch shit! That statement somehow freed me to let you have your safe place behind your Wall.
Bryan: What does your Wall look like from your perspective?
Jennifer: (Long pause). I think my Wall looks different at different times. Sometimes, like you,
I withdraw emotionally. But it is more of an emotional withdrawal than a physical withdrawal; I
may get quiet, but I dont leave the room. At other times, my Wall is more argumentative, and I
have the need to prove myself right.
As we have come to realize that we have each others back, the Wall of Protection comes
up less often and it does not go up quite as high or quite as thick.
I think that is really important to view the Wall of Protection as a good thing. For me, this
has been a radical shift in my thinking because I always thought that building a Wall was a
negative thing, and that by building a Wall you were pulling away and rejecting me. The focus
has changed for me. Now when somebody is building a Wall, it is not about me, it is about them.
In knowing that, I am able to not make it a me issue, but I can give love and help create safety
more often than I use to.
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Bryan: What does safety look like or feel like to you?
Jennifer: Today I was feeling bombarded and my picture of safety was just being near you. Not
to have you hold me or anything like that, but just standing near you. It is that feeling that Im
not alone in this, there is somebody who has my back, somebody who cares about how I feel and
who empathizes and supports. Not that you make the problems go away, or that you fight the
battle for me, but that you are there in my space in a positive way. That is safety for me.