gair rhydd - Issue 811

PLUS: MICKELODEON DISSECTS THE ELECTIONS, MYSPACE AND STRIKING LECTURERS

gair rhyddISSUE 811 MARCH 27 2006CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

HEALTH GET LAIRY ABOUT ALCOHOL ABUSE PAGE 17

ELECTIONS 2006

UNION GRANTED EARLYMORNING LICENCE

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NewsEditorial & OpinionLettersMickelodeonPoliticsTaf OdScience/EnvironmentHealthMediaGrab!Dear AmberTelevisionFive Min FunScopesJobs & MoneyListingsSport

March 27 2006

EDITORTom WellinghamDEPUTY EDITOR

Will DeanASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR

Elaine MorganCREATIVE EDITORGraeme Porteous

NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan

Ridler, Perri LewisPOLITICS

Andrew Mickel, Andy RennisonEDITORIAL AND OPINION

Sophie Robehmed, James EmtageSPORT

Ed Jones, Tim LewisLISTINGS

Will Schmit, Alice CuritzTELEVISION

TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TVJane TV Ellen

LETTERSDave Menon

GRABMegan Connor, Lisa Hocken

TAF-ODLois Dafydd

SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENTCeri Morgan

MEDIAHeather Casey

HEALTHVanessa Roche, Laura Murphy

JOBS AND MONEYNicola Menage

PROBLEM PAGEAmber Duval

SCOPESChristina LaneFIVE MIN FUN

The Cookie MonsterHEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY

Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James PerouSUB-EDITORS

Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly MarshallPROOF READERS

Robert Knowles, Sophie Robinson, Kate Ivory,Kieran Harwood, Alana Lewis, Abagail Wise,

Sofie Jenkinson, Alice SouthwoodCONTRIBUTORS

Alana Lewis, Katie Kennedy, Robert Knowles,Lindle Markwell, Ian Craig, Jo Dingle, Tom

lowe, Jess Best, Adam Millward, AlexWitcomb, Tim Hewish, Rosy Smith, Andy

Rennison, Victoria Lawston, Nick Morris, MarkNorman, Liz Stauber, Rosanne White, Gill

Roberts, Paul Hunt, Toan Ravenscroft, CharlieHinder, Billy Hemstock, Paul Hayes, Trim, Philly

Cox ADDRESS

University Union, Park PlaceCardiff, CF10 3QN

ADVERTISING02920 781 474

[email protected]

WEBwww.gairrhydd.com

LOCATION4th Floor Students’ Union

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At

glancea

LOCAL FOCUSA soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents

Name: KellyLocation: Twice As NiceTitle: Masseuse

THE STUDENT caught trespassingon the railway line at CathaysStation, causing a train driver toperform an emergency stop, hasfinally received his verdict.

The Cardiff Magistrates’ Courtheard how Hugh Robert Devonald wasseen lying down on the track as anempty stock train approached CathaysStation at 11.25pm on December 14,last year.

The 20-year-old Sports Science stu-dent, who pleaded guilty to trespass-ing and obstruction of a train, wasgiven a four-month prison sentencesuspended for 12 months.

He was also ordered to carry out150 hours of community service andinstructed to pay £55 in court costs.

The student from Carmarthenshiredenies lying down, claiming that hesimply took a short cut, and thoughtthat he had enough time to cross thetracks.

But the driver thought otherwiseand broke hard, bringing the train to ahalt around 30 metres from the stu-dent.

Devonald has since commented: "Iknow now that it was a stupid thing todo and I regret it."

He has also warned others not torepeat his ‘stupid’ mistake.

Space dust You’vegot mail

STUDENTS HAVE come under firefor bombarding lecturers with over-familiar and banal emails.

UK academics have complainedthat e-mail is erasing the bound-aries that traditionally kept stu-dents at a healthy distance.

An informal Times Higher surveyof UK academics reveals that stu-dents are emailing their lecturers atall times of the day, addressingthem by their first names only andin a style so informal that the mes-sages end in ‘hugs’ and ‘kisses’.

One lecturer received an emailreading: “Hey. Do u have to quotefrom all the plays u r referring 2 inthe drama essay or just para-phrase? Thank.”

The survey also revealed howstudents increasingly perceivethemselves as paying customers,with one student threatening to“take his fees elsewhere” unlesshis tutor gave a prompt response tohis email.

By Caroline FarwellNews Editor

By Alana LewisReporter

TRAIN TRACKS: Not for lying on

ANTI-SEMITISM has positiveeffects for Jewish people, says aleading Lampeter University lec-turer this week.

Rabbi Professor Dan Cohn-Sherbok claims in his book TheParadox of Anti-Semitism that anti-semitism has kept Judaism alive for

thousands of years and without it thefaith would demise.

He said: “There is no solution tothis problem. I don’t want anti- semi-tism to continue, I want it to disappearbut at the moment there is a risk theJewish people will disappear if anti-semitism disappears”.

His beliefs have caused outrageamong some in the Jewish community.

Holocaust survivor Elen Davies,77, from Swansea said: “This man isasking for trouble for Jews. If thatspreads then God help us all, becausethere are not many of us left.

“This man is inviting people to hatehim. He is just being controversial forthe sake of it, there is no sense in thiscomment whatsoever.”

Rabbi Professor Cohn-Sherbok,who has taught for over 30 years, andwritten many books on anti-Semitism,defended his arguments, saying: “Jewshate anti-semitism, we all hate it. Wedon’t believe that racial hatred is agood thing.

“It’s controversial to say what wehate is good for us.

“What’s very controversial aboutthe book is that it is saying withoutanti- Semitism, in the modern world,traditional Judaism has disintergrat-ed.”LAMPETER: Leading?

By Katie KennedyReporter

Positive discrimination Caseclosed

SCIENTISTS AT Cardiff Universityare examining particles whichthey believe may contain alienlife.

The particles, which were initial-ly thought to be sand swept up bywinds in the Middle East, fell overthe Indian state of Kerala in August

2001.Prof. Chandra Wickramasinghe,

head of the Cardiff Centre forAstrobiology, is investigating claimsmade by an Indian researcher thatthe particles may have been causedby a passing comet depositing alienparticles on Earth.

Doctor Godfrey Louis ofMahatma Gandhi University,Kottayam, has found that the parti-cles are made up of ‘red cells’ which

may contain organisms markedlydifferent from those found on Earth.

Prof. Wickramasinghe said “Thisis potentially very important.

“There is a strong theory that lifeon earth in fact originated with thearrival of a comet carrying biologi-cal material from somewhere else.”

There were reports of a sonicboom at the time the rains startedwhich could be evidence of a mete-or.

By Ian Craig Reporter

How long has Twice AsNice been in business?I think about 10-15 years.

What do you think ofstudents?I used to be one andwould like to be oneagain!

What percentage ofyour customers are stu-dents?

About 10 per cent.

What are your mostpopular services?Normal services!

Why did you changeyour name last yearfrom Abygale’s toTwice As Nice?We had received quite alot of negative publicityunder the name

Abygale’s, so changed thename for a fresh start.

What are your openinghours?24 hours. But generallybetween 11 am until 5-6am.

When are your busiesttimes?Weekends between 10pmand 5-6am.

Do you have a messagefor the students ofCardiff?It’s free door entry onMonday and Tuesdaynights for students.

What are your priceslike?£60 for half an hour, £50without the door entrycharge.By Jo Dingle

Wrapped up

March 27 2006 Page [email protected]

A CARDIFF student who pleadedguilty to selling counterfeitsoftware to pay his waythrough university hasbeen forced to sell hisBMW after escalatingeBay debts.

Matthew Phillips, aBusiness Studies stu-dent, had been using theeBay online market-place to make over£3000 by selling counter-feit software and cars, andtricking other eBay customersby selling goods which he neverdelivered.

Phillips appeared in court last weekand admitted six counts of obtainingproperty by fraudulent dealing.

Last May, Phillips was reported tothe police after selling counterfeitsoftware for thousands of pounds to aduped businessman.

At the time he admitted regret, butclaimed that he felt it ‘was

the only option’ tohelp pay tuition to

fund himselfthrough university.

He ‘didn’tthink it was inhis best interestto ask his father’

for help with thefees, and partially

blamed his parents’divorce and ‘problems

with his father’ for hiscrimes.

After previously being bailed bythe police on the understanding that heno longer use eBay, Phillips was sen-

tenced to 150 hours community serv-ice and received a £5,300 fine,alledgedly paid by his company-direc-tor father.

The judge decided: “Phillips didnot use the proceeds of his crimes tolead a lavish lifestyle.”

With his son apparently still addict-ed to the ‘thrill’ of eBay, MatthewPhillips’s father told Cardiff CrownCourt that would be ‘putting his footdown’.

Phillips’s recent court appearancehas resulted in an additional 240 hourscommunity service and a less forgiv-ing message from the judge: “Youhave cynically for your own profit andgreed made money through the eBaysystem.

“You refused to struggle financiallylike other students.

“The fact that you are a universitystudent will not protect you nexttime.”

FIRST-YEAR students have dis-covered a new way to enjoy gairrhydd.

One Talybont South studentreturned home from a birthdayweekend away to find his roomcompletely covered in papers from

gair rhydd. After leaving his door unlocked,

the unsuspecting student arrivedhome last week to find everythingfrom his pens, books, chair and pil-low cases wrapped in copies of thepaper.

FFOOUURRPPLLAAYY

CARDIFF STUDENTS’ Union has secured alicence to serve alcohol until 4am.

This means that students could drink in Solus,the Taf, CF10, the postgraduate bar and the gamesroom for up to 16 hours at a time.

Mike Carson, from Cardiff Police Licensingdeparment said: “If the Union wanted to theycould open until 4am every night.”

However, although the building has beengranted this late licence, the Union have said thatthey will not automatically extend the openingtimes for weekly events such as Come Play andRubber Duck.

Instead, the licence will be used predominate-ly for special events.

General Manager of the Union and LicenseeJason Dunlop said: “It is not our intention to openuntil 4am every day. Not yet anyway.”

Initially there were fears that local residentswould oppose the licence extension, but duringthe 28-day objection period, no complaints weremade.

PC Carson said: “I was quite surprised becauseover the years there have been a number of com-plaints about disturbances outside the Union.”

gair rhydd spoke to a number of residents whowill be affected by the licence, but found thatnone of them objected to it.

Anne Lane of Cathays said: “I’ve got studentsliving all around me and I don’t have any prob-lems.

“It won’t bother me”.Victor Wheeler, also from Cathays,

echoed this sentiment:

“The licence shouldn’t really affect me.“Anyway, there was more trouble around here

four years ago than there is now.”However, Mr Carson has made it clear that if

the police receive complaints in the future, theextended licence could be revoked.

He said: “If there are major problems then thehours the Union can serve alcohol will bereduced.”

He also stressed how important it will be forstudents to behave responsibly around closingtime.

“It is up to the students whether this licence iskept or not.

“They have to minimise any disruption to thesurrounding community.”

Fortunately, the location of the Union hasmade it easier to secure a late licence.

Mr Carson said: “Only half the building is sur-rounding by private housing, and most of the res-idents who live near the Union are students any-way.”

The negative effect that late drinking couldhave on local residents has been taken into con-sideration Cardiff’s licensing authority, who haveput a number of conditions on the licence.

The Union have to ensure that students exit thebuilding onto Park Place rather than ontoSenghenydd Road.

Other conditions include the provision of plas-tic cups after 2am, an agreed ratio of door staff toSolus clubbers, use of digital CCTV and the pro-vision of food.

Union General Manger Jason Dunlop said:“Most of these conditions are being implementedby Union bars already.”

“It willprobablyimprovethe qualityof thenightlifeand it willfit in withother ven-ues in

Cardiff.”Matt Hill, second yearGeography

“Thereare somenightswhenyoudon’twant itto end, especiallyon weekends. But some-

times it’s nice to know that itfinishes at two, and you can stillget up for nine o’clock lectures”Jen Craven and Nic Bateman,

third year Anatomy

“Awesome!That’samazing. Itmeans moretime to getdrunk!”

WillHoworth,second yearAnatomy

“For students itcan only be agood thing. Itmeans moremoney for theUnion. It should-n’t be a problem because most ofthe other residents around hereare students.”

Meg Sharpley and Beth Dixon,first year Ancient History andEnglish Literature.

Word on the street: Is 4am too late?

By Perri LewisNews Editor

Cardiff student in eBay fraudBy Jo DingleReporter


THE PRICE of safe sex is set todrop due to government plansfor a dramatic tax reduction oncontraceptives.

VAT on over-the-counter contra-ceptives will fall from 17.5 per centto just five per cent according to thisyear’s budget, laid out byChancellor Gordon Brown.

The reduction, which will takeeffect from the beginning of July,means that UK condoms will haveone of the lowest tax rates inEurope.

Students, who are classed ashigh-level users of contraceptiveproducts, are expected to be amongthe key beneficiaries of the newmeasures.

The National Union of Studentswelcomed the Chancellor’sannouncement, with NUS Vice-President Welfare Veronica Kingcommenting: “People, especiallyyoung people, should be encouragedto get into the habit of safer sex.

“High contraceptive prices affecteveryone but particularly youngpeople who have less money.

“No one should be in the positionwhere they don't use contraceptivesbecause they can't afford it.”

The reduction in VAT also hasimportant implications for organisa-tions that purchase condoms in bulkin order to supply smaller groups.

This includes Cardiff’s SHAGthat make contraception availablefree of charge to students in theUnion, as they will be able to domore with their existing funding.

A CARDIFF STUDENT has beendriven from her home in Cathaysby a infestation of rats.

Final year English Literature stu-dent Kerry-Lynne Doyle said thatCardiff Council pest control identi-fied the animal as a rat.

The first-floor flat on CatherineStreet has ideal conditions to attractrats - it neighbours a disused build-ing and an unoccupied flat.

Kerry-Lynne’s landlady initiallyrefused assistance – as did propertyagency Barbara Rees – and privatepest control can cost £150 just for acall-out.

Kerry-Lynne has now beenallowed to move out a month earlyrent-free, but landlords are not legal-ly obliged to deal with vermin prob-lems.

If you have rats call the council’sfree pest control unit on 02920872934.

STUDENTS COULD sue universi-ties over recent strike action bylecturers because it could leave asmany as 700,000 students with-out degrees this summer.

The action, taken as a result of along-running pay dispute betweenemployers and lecturing unions, beganwith a one-day strike on March 7 andis continuing with a current assess-ment boycott.

Negotiations between unions andemployers hit a current deadlock afterthe chairman of the employers associ-ation wrote to the unions to say therecould be no more talks until they halt-ed their industrial action.

The Association of UniversityTeachers AUT and Natfhe refused todo so and claimed they had beenbarred from the first official negotiat-ing meeting with employers, sched-uled for March 28.

The National Union of Students,which supported the one-day strike bylecturers, has released new warnings touniversities that students could takelegal action if the boycott affects theirdegrees.

It is feared as many as nine millionexam scripts and essays could gounmarked this summer.

The AUT general secretary SallyHunt said she was ‘extremely sad-dened’ that the dispute had got this farand accused universities of ‘gamblingdisgracefully with students' futures’.

Jocelyn Prudence, chief executiveof the Universities and CollegesEmployers’ Association, said:“Suspending industrial action is a nec-essary gesture of goodwill as far as weare concerned. This will remain theposition.”

Threats to sue universities over lecturer assessment boycott

Students ready to sue universities

THE CHURCH in Wales hasrecalled 500 copies of its maga-zine featuring a cartoon carica-turing the Prophet Muhammad.

The editor the Welsh-languagemagazine Y Llan has resigned afterreprinting the controversial cartoonsthat sparked violent protests acrossEurope earlier this year.

The Archbishop of Wales apolo-gised to the Muslim Council ofWales, which accepted the latestpublication as an ‘unfortunate mis-take’.

Archbishop Dr Barry Morgansaid: “The article was perfectly ok,but for some reason the editor decid-ed to print one of these cartoonswhich was a gross error of judge-ment.

“It no way reflects the policy ofthe church in Wales and when I sawit I was totally horrified.”

Y Llan is the latest in a line ofpublications to feature the controver-sial cartoon, which have caused vio-lent demonstrations afterappearing in European papersearlier this year.

In the United States, theUniversity of SouthAlabama’s student newspa-per Vanguard reprinted oneof the cartoons last monthas part of an editorial titled‘A truly free press mustnot cower down toextremists’.

The paper’s editor-in-chief said they printedthe cartoon in support offreedom of speech and con-firmed they have no intention of

apologising.Elsewhere in the US, more than

20 publications have printed the car-toons, mostly by student journalistsin college newspapers.

An editor at the University ofIllinois’ student-run newspaper

reprinted six of

the 12 images even though he said hefound them ‘bigoted and insensi-tive’.

He has since been fired after aunanimous vote by directors foundhim in violation of the paper’s poli-cies of inflammatory material.

Last week the editor called his fir-ing a blow against free speech on

college campuses and stood byhis opinion that the cartoons were‘newsworthy’.

Shaz Kaiseruddin, President ofthe Muslim Student Association atthe University of Illinois, said pro-ducing any image of Muhammad isconsidered blasphemous by manyMuslims.

She said: "I was in disbelief thatthey would do this, that our own stu-dent-based newspaper would be soignorant and disrespectful.”

“I don’t think I would sueas the action seems more ofa symbolic act than an offi-cial one. The same thinghappened last year.”

Ben Roberts, fourth yearForensic Linguistics

“I can see why peoplewould sue but I personal-ly wouldn’t. I can’t seethe boycott being detri-mental to me.”Harriet Mansell, firstyear History andPolitics

“I probably wouldn’t sue.

I haven’t noticed grades

being affected but I can

understand why final year

students are fretting.”

Katherine Petty, second

year Welsh and French

“I’m in my final year but I

wouldn’t sue as I want to

support academics.

However, the assessment

boycott will delay gradua-

tion and should be put to

the student council whether

to support it or not.”

C J Hyde, third year

Archaeology

Controversy continues asIslam cartoons are reprinted

Cheap sex

By Caroline FarwellNews Editor

By Tom LoweReporter

CONTROVERSIAL: Y Llan

GRADUTES: Uncertainty

INFESTED

Word on the street: Would you sue?

By Robert Knowles Reporter

March 27 2006 Page 5World [email protected]

THE CHINESE and Japanesegovernments have announcedthis week that they are clampingdown on illegal trading of humanorgans between the two countries.

After years of rumours about ablack market for organs in China,reports that rich Japanese citizens arebuying organs such as kidneys andlivers, many of which come fromexecuted Chinese prisoners, over theinternet have prompted action.

In a country where only 40 organshave been donated since 1997, theJapanese have become desperate foran alternative to the waiting lists, andChina has come to be seen as a blackmarket solution to the continuingproblems.

With an estimated 8,000 prisonersexecuted in China each year, itappears that business is booming.

In an attempt to crack down on theillegal trade, the Japanese govern-ment has pledged to work with trans-port authorities to research the fullextent of the problem, and what canbe done to stop it.

The Chinese government has alsoacknowledged that the issue needs tobe dealt with.

Until now, strict governmentcontrol over information aboutChinese prisoners has meant thatthe link between executed prison-

ers and the organ trade hasnever been confirmed.

The trade has flourishedon the internet, withadverts for ‘e-donors’targeting Japanesepatients. But morelow-tech methodshave also been used tomake money, withadverts having beenmade on the walls orin the toilets of

Chinese hospitals. A transplant patient will then

travel to China to undergo the rel-evant operations.

A donated kidney is believedto cost around £37,000, and aliver can cost as much as£88,000.

One Japanese kidney trans-plant patient said: “I wouldhave died before getting adonor and it was cheap.”

Under Chinese law all organdonations, including thosefrom and to close relatives,must be proceeded by proof ofa relationship between the twopeople by marriage or blood, orevidence of a DNA test.

It is hoped that the newmoves announced will stopproblems with patients aftercare, as well as many reportedcases of patients dying within afew years of their return toJapan.

By Jess BestReporter

THE CLASSIC boardgame Monopoly hasreceived a post-9/11 facelift in America.

‘Patriot Act: The Home Version’ might imitatethe well-known game but as opposed to dealingwith property, the players must grapple with USsecurity cards and civil liberties.

The game controversially featuresGuantanamo Bay in place of the tra-ditional jail squares.It has been created by Arab-American graphicartist, MichaelKabbash, whowent on toretail it at his w e b s i t e ,www.graphix4change.com.

Openly mocking American poli-tics, at the centre of the board sitsthe image of John Ashcroft, the for-mer Attorney General who in 2001administrated the controversial USPatriot Act into law, despite considerableopposition which insisted civil rights were beingencroached.

George W Bush himself doesn’t escape lam-pooning, with the ‘Go’ square occupied by thewords ‘Bring it on!’ – echoing the president’sresponse to attacks in 2003.

Kabbash’s ‘symbols of America’ are represented

in the metal playing pieces, including an oil well, acowboy hat, a dollar sign and the constitution.

Each player must start the game by rolling diceto obtain a ‘profile’, which is made up of ethnicity,citizenship, religion, politics and profession. Theplayer who retains their civil rights the longest isthe winner.

It isn’t the first time that Kabbash has alterediconic brands to mockRepublican politicians. In 2005,the graphic artist created mock-

ups of various breakfast cere-als, including

‘Republican’s Neo-Con Krispies’ in the

style of Kellogg’sRice Krispies.

He hasalso made

other politicalstatements with brand names, includingthe misappropriation of the Gap brandto examine American society’s view of

Arab culture.Kabbash’s controversial version of

Monopoly in America follows the gamemaking the headlines here in the UK in

March this year, after an attempted bank raid atHeathrow.

The would-be bank robbers made off with whatthey assumed to be £75 million in real currency,before discovering they had instead stolenMonopoly money intended for promotional use. Sofar, however, the robbers have not been caught.

By Adam MillwardReporter

Japan’s organ black market booms

New version of Monopolylampoons Bush adminstration

World Newsin Brief

Strip Off-ice

A ROMANIAN mayor has been rep-rimanded for spending £10,000 ofpublic money on a party with malestrippers.

The bash was held as a treat for hisfemale employees to mark Women’sDay on March 8.

The mayor had previously told thelocal council that he would be hold-ing: “a special dinner with… flowersfor every woman and a show withprofessional artists."

The professional artists were infact male strippers who were hired forthe whole night.

Bin Laden TV

OSAMA BIN Laden’s niece hassigned a highly paid deal toappear in a reality TV show in theUnited States.

Wafah Dufour, who was broughtup in the US, has already posed forsome sexy shots in the American GQ,and the new show will chart herefforts to succeed as a pop star.

But, members of the September 11Family Association condemn the factthat the family of the international ter-rorist might profit from his notoriety.

Free to chop it

A RUSSIAN woman who cut offher husband’s penis in a jealousrage has been acquitted.

The green-eyed 31-year-old hadbeen thrown out of her marital homeafter accusing her husband of havingan affair, but she snuck back in whilehe was sleeping and chopped off hisvital parts.

The man in question is now under-going surgery to rebuild his genitals,while his wife has been given a three-year suspended sentence.

Bark-ring

A FAMILY in Holland have been hitwith tax bills because of theirbarking doorbell.

Dutch law states that dog-ownersmust pay annual taxes of £55 for theiranimals, and the authorities keep con-fusing the barking bell with a realdog.

The family had previously owned aGerman Shepherd dog, so bought thedoorbell that plays 15 different typesof barking noises as a tribute to him.

By Lindle MarkwellReporter

HEART: Trading

Page 6 March 27 2006Elections [email protected]

Vice-President

How do you feelabout winning?

Totally, utterly,c o m p l e t e l yrelieved andchuffed to bits,mostly for allthe boys andgirls who sacri-

ficed their timeand potentiallytheir degrees for

the cause.

How are you going to celebrate?I’ve got to go back up to the gair

rhydd office for a late night sesh’ fin-ishing the paper. But the weekend isgoing to be huge – looking forwardimmensely to disgracing myself at theAU Awards ball.

What are you most looking for-ward to about the position?

They say girls are attracted topower. Women aside, I put a lot ofthought into my manifesto ideas andcan’t wait to get stuck in.

What’s your most important mani-festo point?

I don’t want to simply preside overan already outstanding organisationbut actively seek to improve people’stime in university with projects likethe online swap-shop and studentforum.

Ed JonesHow do you feel about winning?

It’s definitely a relief, I’m reallyhappy! I want to say well done tothe other candidates, the compe-tition was fierce and the votewas very close. I’m surprised Iwon.

How are you going to cele-brate?

I’m going to The Taf now!I’ll be in there celebrating withmy housemate Kate Dobbswho won the Societiesand InternationalOfficer position.I’m looking for-ward to relax-ing after suchan exhaustingcampaign andlong wait forthe votes to becounted.

What are you most lookingforward to about the posi-tion?

It’ll be great to start imple-menting my ideas and makesome positive changes tostudents’ lives. I’m alsoreally pleased that I’ll beable to live in Cardiff foranother year.

What’s your most impor-tant manifesto point?

Ensuring better repre-sentation for stu-

dents and improv-ing welfareawareness, espe-cially takingcontrol of thehousing prob-lem and sortingout the rubbishwebsite.

UNION ELECTIONS

Education & Welfare Officer

Kate Monaghan

This year’s sabbatical elec-tions have witnessed anunusually large amount of

controversy.The start of the vote count was

delayed following the discovery ofextra unaccountable votes onWednesday morning.

Votes were found in the electionpapers, which did not correspond withthe student numbers recorded bypolling station attendants.

These extra ballot papers had to beidentified and removed before count-ing could commence, as it could not beconfirmed that they were legitimatevotes

The counters were left with the taskof sorting the papers into numericalorder to root out the stray ballotsbefore the election counting couldbegin.

Election officials do not suspectfoul play in this instance but rather amistake.

This delay held up the progress ofthe elections until around 6pm, withmany Union officials worried that thecount might not get underway in timeto avoid having to re-open hustings.

The constitution states that if thecounting is not commenced 24 hoursafter the closing of polls, then thecount is declared void and the process

must re-start.Meanwhile, counting for both the

President and AU President's electionshas been postponed following com-plaints, which were passed to the dis-ciplinary committee.

The votes will be counted pendingthe results of a Union disciplinarycommittee meeting, expected to beheld during this week.

The Union is currently not at libertyto reveal the accusations made or thecandidates involved as it could influ-

ence the committee’s decision.Last year's elections saw two candi-

dates ejected, one for voting twice forhimself and another for attempting toinfluence the vote.

These candidates were faced withan elections board not a disciplinaryboard as their behavior did not contra-vene Union rules, unlike this year’scandidates.

Whether this year's controversieswill lead to similar ejections will bedecided during the week.

Elections controversy

ELECTIONS: Never mind the ballots

What happened to Union and AU President positions?www.gairrhydd.com/elections/

Live BlogBy Dan RidlerNews Editor

08:00 Counting is delayed due to a‘discrepancy’.14:23 There’s bugger all going on. 17:16 The columnist formerly knowas Geordie enters the ‘counting’room. First words: “Piss up, brew-ery.”17:25 Vote for President suspendedpending disciplinary hearing. Moredetails to follow.18:46 Goodman announces pizza.Counters rejoice. Domino’s chingtills. Nutritionists cry. gair rhydddenounce lack of creativity.20:32 Elections blackout horror: “Itwent all dark,” said Union President.Counters were shocked at eight thir-ty today when a stray gair rhyddphotographer, who shall remain un-named but calling himself JamesPerou, backed into the light switchesplunging the room into darkness.Unfortunately, the Returning Officerhas now announced that the countingwill have to restart forthwith.Potentially, if any votes are foundmissing they will be presumedstolen and nominations will have tobe re-opened.20:33 Only joking. Don’t cry.21:42 Goodman has announced that

the count has been postponed untiltomorrow morning 09:08 Kick off on day two. 12:44 The count for Vice Presidentis about to begin. The result for gairrhydd is imminent. 13.00 Counters have begun eyeingup the cling-filmed sandwiches thathave been laid onto the tables.14.11 Cat in job realisation shocker.“Oh yeah, I’m meant to be a writer.”Indeed. Bless.14.57 All further counts have beensuspended till 9pm21.09 We’re back in Aneurin Bevanroom, TV Willy is your host and it’sfreezing21.38 Everyone’s had enough. Iknow I have, I ran into a door beforeand almost gave myself concussion,I have a lump the size of a greenbean.21.57 We now have a male in thesabb team. And it’s Ed. So be scaredgirls. Be very scared.I think that’s libel.Ah well, sue me Jones.22.25 Right, that’s it, we’ve got apaper out and Syd needs to go andtrack down RON for the things hesaid about his mother.

ALL PH

OTO

S: James Perou

gair rhydd covered the elections for the first time on our live blog.Here’s the pick of the best bits from the two days of counting...

How did you find elections?This is the first time I’ve applied

in the elections. While the votes werebeing counted, the atmosphere wasvery tense. I think more studentsshould be getting involved with theStudents’ Union. People can make acontribution.

March 27 2006 Page 7Elections [email protected]

Societies & International Officer

How do you feel aboutwinning?

I’m elated. I wasin the pub when Ifound out and Iwas pretty drunk,

so I was veryvery happy.

How have you been celebrating?I went to the Welsh club and now

I’m going to keep on partying. Thecampaign was incredibly tiring, it wasthe longest 10 days of my life, but itwas great fun and I had a great cam-paign team. Sorry to all those who hadto listen to Dr. Pressure 200 times aday.

What are you most looking for-ward to about the position?

I can’t wait to get the policies in mymanifesto realised, and make a differ-ence to the union.

What’s your most important mani-festo point?

Introducing the Fresher OrientationProgramme for international students.

Kate Dobbsgair rhydd Editor

How do you feel about winning?I’m still in shock and I don’t think

that it has sunk in yet. Being gairrhydd Editor is something that I’vedreamed about since I joined the teamin the first week of my first year. I’mso happy.

What are you going to do to cele-brate?

Go straight back up to the gairrhydd office and edit the news sectionall night. Thursday is a deadline dayfor the newspaper so there’s not reallymuch time for celebrating. But after agood rest on Friday I’ll be going outto buy all my campaign team a drink,because they really deserve it.

What are you most looking for-ward to about your position?

Finding and running some amazingstories, helping to improve Cardiff’sstudent media and spending anotheryear working for gair rhydd.

What is your mostimportant mani-festo point?

All of them. Ispent a lot oftime on my man-ifesto, makingsure that all mypledges were real-istic and I’m reallylooking forward toi m p l e m e n t i n gthem all next year.

Perri Lewis

Ethical and Environmental Officer

Chris Senior

How do you feel about winning?I’m very pleased and relieved.

How are you going to celebrate?I’m going to go and get drunk again at

the Union. I did a minimal campaign soit didn’t tire me out. I probably shouldhave done a bit more, but it was a lastminute decision to run for the post.

Welsh Affairs Officer

Huw Pritchard

How do you feel about winning?I’m enthralled, excited and well

happy! Deep down I knew I wasgoing to win, but RON was a strongcandidate. I’m especially happy that Iwon’t have to give evidence at anelections commitee against RON forslagging off my mum.

Xpress Radio Station Manager

Syd LawrenceHow do you feel about winning?

I’m so happy and excited. Will Dean(current Quench editor) rang to tell methat I had won and I asked if he was jok-ing. Thankfully, he wasn’t and I’ve beentelling myself that ever since.How are you going to celebrate?

Well I made an impromptu trip to theTaf with friends and following that I wel-

comed a state of sleepy drunkennessstretching out on a sofa instead of havingto bother countless people with my poli-cies. Giving out my loaf had become aworrying obsession (thanks for thosewho embraced my loaf and sorry to thosewho felt it was an infliction on their sta-tus as homosapians. I never thought youwere ducks).

Quench Editor & Deputy gair rhydd Editor

Sophie Robehmed

Union election turnout fig-ures hit a recent high, thisyear’s results have

revealed.The amount of people voting in

this year’s sabbatical elections toppedan average of over 4000.

This even beats the average figuresfor the 2005 elections according toUnion Secretary James Twigger,when the then unusually high turnoutwas attributed to the NUS disaffilia-tion vote.

The disaffiliation vote called for areferendum on the issue of CardiffUniversity Students’ Union’s mem-bership of the NUS which costs theUnion £50,000 a year.

That particular ballot saw over4,200 votes, yet votes for other posi-tion dragged the average down toaround 3,700.

This year, there is no such clearreason for the exceptional turnout.

Mark Beacon, Returning Officerfor the elections, speculated that theturnout might be down to the numberof closely fought positions, withhotly contested and difficult to callpositions like Vice-President and gairrhydd Editor encouraging supportersto turnout.

It has also been speculated that the

slight upturn in student numberscould account for the increase, orpossibly the dedication of the cam-paigning teams.

Whatever the reasons, it seems thatthe sabbatical team are understand-ably happy at the result.

“It’s fantastic to see so many peo-ple turning out” said James Twigger.

Election Turnout

COUNTING: 1,2,3,4,6,7... erm

2006 ROUND-UP

FOUR PLAY

Saturday nights in the Unionare usually a bit of a mess.By two o’clock on a Sunday

morning most attendees can bare-ly tell the time, so the fact thatthey get an extra two hours toswill snakebite around theirmouths will probably be greetedwith cheers amongst the Solus-attending masses.

The benefits are clear: more moneyfor the Union and, er, that’s about itapart from giving a few hundred peo-ple worse hangovers in the morning.

What we must remember though isthat the new licence isn’t carved instone.

Anyone who plays silly buggers athalf four in the morning is likely toprovoke a few angry letters to thecouncil.

So, if the Union decides to make thenew licence apply to regular Unionnights like Come Play remember thatone student antic too far might meaneveryone being lobbed out at twoagain. And we wouldn’t want that.

Does this also mean the new burgerbar is going to be open till four too?

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION

IT’S FAIRLY CLEAR from the vastnumber of complaints and the con-fusion amongst candidates thatthe Union’s election rules need acomplete overhaul.

The power of the election commit-tee is limited to either suggesting acandidate is thrown out or having topass on the issue. As candidates arelikely to get away with multiple minorrule breaks it would make great senseto allow the returning officers and theelection committee means of punish-ing candidates without having to actu-ally dismiss them.

The elections process also needs tobe watertight. Minor clerical errorslike the one we witnessed onWednesday can lead to huge delays insorting the votes.

Secure online voting would save alot of money and time, and it’s notunreasonable to think it might happensoon.

Otherwise, well done to the win-ners, get ready for a year of hard work.

THE FUTURE

LAST WEEK SAW a few milestonesfor this dear organ.

You elected our first ever all-femalegair rhydd/Quench editorial comboand we embraced new technology withour live election blog. So, we’d justlike to put our self-indulgent hat onand say congratulations to Perri andSophie, it’s good to know the goodship gr is in extremely capable hands.

Also, our blogging team who helpedpass the dull hours of non-counting.Hopefully now we know what we’redoing we can bring you some up-to-the-minute coverage of other events.Here’s to the future, cheers.

Page 8 March 27 2006Editorial & [email protected]

gairrhyddFREEWORD

With the release of Orwellianthriller V for Vendetta(complete with a man in a

scary mask and a bald NataliePortman) I got thinking about acertain freedom the government istaking away. Take the future ban on‘fast food’ school dinners. Now, atno point am I championing thebelief that they are at all healthy,but it boils down to choice.

The government has aligned itself tothe notions of ‘choice’ and ‘diversity’but they are now in ‘reverse gear’(remember that quote). Taking a choiceaway from one sphere of control isn’tgoing to help the growing numbers ofobesity cases in Britain.

Nothing stops a child from going outand getting a McDonald’s at lunch orafter school (I did it about twice aweek) but the crux of the blame falls onparents. The focus should be on them toeducate their own children about thehazards of not having a balanced diet,not the government.

I commend the work of Jamie Olivereducating and bringing awareness tochildren, but it should still fall back onthe parents’ and kids’ decisions,whether or not to eat fast food. In short‘choice’.

Parents have a large influence overtheir children, whether both parties likeit or not, therefore healthy packedlunches from home are the best way tocombat the scramble for ‘fast food’. Itis also often cheaper to make yourselffood than to buy it.

Alas, the demise of the ‘real’ schooldinner is somewhat depressing. I recallthe days when we needed a good

school dinner or two Kit Kats from thevending machine to get through theordeal of games or PE - all the sugarand calories actually helped me not col-lapse after the 50 laps around the fieldhaving forgotten my PE shorts

Also, it doesn’t matter what foodyou eat - you still put calories on. This‘cull’ on fast food doesn’t fix the issue.During the blurry messes that are stu-dents’ mornings, I often find myselfreading the back of the Corn Flakespacket only to discover that ‘an activelife full of exercise is essential’ ratherthan a message to simply boycottMcDonald’s.

A real solution could be that parentsare strict with the choice of what theirkids eat, twinned with the introductionof a card system which could be ontheir bus passes, and if parents don’twant a fast food way of life for theirkids they can tell the school this and itcan go on a database.

As a result the child will be refusedfast food if it comes up on the comput-er, hell it would hopefully be cheaperthan ID cards! Another great ploy tocontrol and watch the masses.

Finally as the Vendetta says –‘Governments should be afraid of theirpeople, not people afraid of theirGovernment’. Therefore, in light ofthese events, fatter people shouldn’t beafraid of their government, but the gov-ernment should be afraid of them. Or asour American cousins would say: ‘Giveme McDonald’s, or Give me Death!’

Obese offspring

”“Today I shot fifteen Sunni

rebels in the head. Quite nat-urally, he did not. That would-

n’t be like him. But someonesomewhere probably did. This iswhy it is a most satisfactory andabsorbing opening line.Apparently.

My protagonist will not say this.He doesn’t feel he has to, merelyin order to be shocking, to besocially and politically relevant.

Here is another line with whichhe might open: today I sexuallyabused my sister, before settingher on fire. He shan’t say thiseither. Although, feasibly, he could.He is a contemporary social con-struction after all. But that isn’twhat he did. That wasn’t his wanttoday. Though of course, there’salways tomorrow…

Alternatively, he could haverevealed: today I realigned my ide-ological perspectives to those ofthe wider socio-ethnic collective.Though he didn’t. His lexicon is nota reservoir. More a careful, mean-dering tributary, it never rages orswells.

Other revelations: today I toldmy parents I’m a lesbian. I don’tthink he said that one. Today myfaith was severely tested. And Ihave no doubt it was.

So how to begin. Our protagonisthas an adequate social aware-ness, but it is soft and humble. Helikes to know the results of rebelclashes as much as he likes toknow the results of the football. Heknows perfectly well that bodiesare soiled in blazes of perversion,but he’d rather not discuss it in

prose. Intoxication can certainlylead to nasty ailments such asdeath, but he doesn’t keep suchcompany and likes to think no-onedoes.

Which doesn’t leave him withmuch to say, in a fractured societysuch as his. Or so we’d like tobelieve. He has actually been look-ing out his window today. The skyhas done many things. It has helddarting swallows, threads of dis-solving cloud, machines that winkin the sunlight, and the sun itselfthat now nudges the horizon in ashroud of opulent red.

And all this has led him to openwith a line that no-one in this worldwould have thought a protagonistto say: today I was amazed by theworld. And I think I always havebeen.

W i t c o m b ’ s

WORD

BURGER FUN: Easy option for parents, no complaints from kids

Nothing stops achild going outand getting aMcDonald’s after school

Give meMcDonald’s orgive me death

by a

lex

wal

lisA

l’s W

orld

Fact: 40% of children areobese. It’s time for parents

to wake up and smell thecookies, says Tim Hewish

March 27 2006 Page 9Editorial & [email protected]

Must the medicine go down?

Six young men are seriously illin hospital – two of whomsaid to be fighting for their

lives – following their participationin phase-one tests of new drugTGN1412, proposed by Germandevelopers TeGenero as an anti-rheumatism treatment. As aresult, sensationalist headlinesbaying for blood have been rife thisweek, fuelling reactions of horrorand shock, and asking indignantquestions over how and why thiscould been allowed to happen.

There have been wild accusationsover wrong dosages, contaminations,incorrect formulation, and ‘breaches ofbest practice’, as well as crassly mis-guided outcry that a German drug hadbeen tested on Brits and not Germans.But if we look past this cauldron ofoutrage, there are also some importantquestions.

On the whole, specious blame-throwing aside, it was most likely justa very unfortunate accident. We can alldeeply sympathise with the victimsand their families, but the fact is, this isan isolated case which demonstratesprecisely why a rigorous test protocolfor the development of drugs in theWestern world has evolved.

There are three mandatory phases ofhuman testing before the Committeeon Safety of Medicines (CSM) willlicense a drug for marketing; a fourthpost-marketing surveillance phaseaims to detect any longer-term effects.For all the uproar, the only valid criti-cism of the test process itself, carriedout by US-based company Paraxel, is aminor one: the phase-one ‘best prac-tice’ of administering a test drug to oneor two subjects, waiting a while, andthen continuing to others, was not fol-

lowed. Desperately wrong as this mayseem in hindsight, the procedure is notyet a legal requirement, and is fre-quently skipped over in medical trials.

The point is that rather than blindlyslamming scapegoats, we should beacknowledging the larger issues. Ifthere is blame to be attributed, itshould of course be recognised, butthis should not detract from the lessonswe can learn.

In 1987, drug tests caused the deathof a healthy volunteer in Ireland,prompting similar responses to thosewe have seen in the last week.Subsequent Irish legislation effectivelyoutlawed research on children byimposing strict conditions for consentthat were impossible for a minor togive. Arguably though, this attitude

has done as much to increase drugrisks to children as to reduce them.Across Europe, ethical concerns overtesting on children mean that 50% ofdrugs used on children (90% of drugsused on babies) never undergo propertesting for their paediatric targets.

Clearly, if a drug is not successfullytested on its target, it cannot be giventhe seal of safety approval. This is notto say we should release untesteddrugs into the market of course, butgeneralising all-clears – either frommonkeys to humans or adult women toyoung boys – surely leaves too muchto chance.

A member of BBC2’s Newsnightaudience last week suggested thathumankind was actually due a tragedyof this nature for all our testing on ani-

mals. A touch ill-considered perhaps(what, then, do we test on – carrots?)but she may have been closer to a leadthan it seemed. Although TeGenerohave stated they tested the drug exten-sively on animals before humans (asthe law requires) and Paraxel have saidthey were satisfied the trial processwas carried out to standard, pharma-ceutical expert Dr David Glover hassuggested that animal tests on drugslike TGN1412 could be inadequate, asit stimulates a particular protein foundonly in humans, so animal test successcould have given false reassurance.

Indeed, after all other preliminaryprecautions, drugs designed forhumans can ultimately only be fullytested by humans. In this age of seek-ing the medical quick-fix, if we want

to see progress in the pharmaceuticalindustry, we must be prepared to com-mit to it. Testing new drugs brings withit inherent risks. That’s the point. If wecould somehow be certain there wereno risks, there would be no need fortests in the first place.

Of course, there might also be noneed for financial incentives, whichhave been scrutinised as a distractingfactor. Indeed, the number of medicaltest volunteers has, bizarrely, risensince the fiasco emerged. Both menwho received the placebos say they didit for the money, and it is no secret thatmany volunteers sign up because theyneed quick money to make ends meet(students, for example, are often mak-ing up the numbers).

Can a decision driven by financialhardship really be deemed objectiveand rational? Or is a large monetaryreward actually a greater deterrent(consider the £10 a student gets at theCommon Cold Centre on Park Place tothe £2000 these unfortunate youngmen received for their time)?Whichever the case, the paymentsdished out by drugs companies arescant in comparison to the revenue ifthe drug is successful.

What needs to be done now is toassess whether any mistakes weremade, accept responsibility if neces-sary, and to make a big point ofaddressing public concern. We need tobe sure that information about testingis comprehensive, and not diluted bychunky documents full of legal andmedical jargon, but we also need toacknowledge that risk cannot be eliminated.

Last week's drug trial disaster laid bare the risks of modern med-ical research. Tom Lowe seeks the line between blame and reason

MEDICAL RESEARCH: Currently in the spotlight

90% of drugsused on babieshave neverundergone prop-er testing fortheir paediatric targets

Drugs designedfor humans can ultimatley onlybe fully testedon humans

Yes, everybody, it was thattime again. Election Time.The time when usually ordi-

nary people stripped in the human-ities café, dressed up like commonvegetables, and adorned children’sfancy dress outfits in a bid to winyour vote.

Nowhere was safe from the pledgesand their gang - not the Taf onSaturday night, not the Colum Roadcrossing on the way to lectures, noteven the lecture halls themselves, andno doubt you yourself will have seenno end of gags and gimmicks in thepast week, aimed at securing your

vote. But out of all those you remember,

how many of them actually told youtheir policies? It’s possible that the girlin the Taf on Saturday night did have agenuine concern that my drink shouldnot be left strawless thus resulting inthe rubbing off of my lipstick, but itseems much more likely, from thesmall piece of paper with ‘Vote forme’ written on it that was spikedthrough the straw, that really, she justwanted me to vote for her.

Did she stop and chat? Not really.Did I know what her policies were?Not at all. But: I remember her, so, ifI’m honest, I voted for her. In fact itwould have been a lot easier all roundif instead of names, the ballot papers

just put the candidates slogan and gagnext to the box.

Last year, as a mere fresher, I wasencouraged by the way in which ourunion is run by students, and watchingSuperman free-wheeling in a stolentrolley across the Colum Road junc-tion provided some welcome amuse-ment on the way to a nine o’clockpoetry lecture. However at the end ofthe day, Superman didn’t get my vote,(he had come in to where I worked afew times and been a bit rude. I didn’tlike the cut of his jib, amusing as hewas). Instead, ‘Good Egg’ got it, andin fact I believe I still have the badgeone of his friends willingly pinned onto my cleavage somewhere at home.

Good ol’Gooders. The reason he

got my vote was because he was theone and only candidate who took thetime to come round to mine and myneighbours’ houses in Talybont lastyear to tell us his policies. Far frombeing obnoxious or giggly, he wasapproachable and friendly. He wasalways around the union on a nightout, pint in hand, but he didn’t try toforce his gag too strongly on anybodyeither.

It is a shame to think that the run forCardiff Students’ Union office hasbecame a competition for who cancome up with the best gag. So nextyear, when someone shouts ‘Vote forme’, why not turn around and ask‘Why?’.

Gagging for your vote?By Rosy Smith

anyo

nean

yop

inio

nan

yti

me

[email protected]

[email protected]

Burger KingI WAS very pleased to read in theSouth Wales Echo, news that thepolice force have finally takenaction against the illegal burgervan traders, who supply disgustingburgers to students at the end ofan evening at the bottom of theUnion steps. This action has beencalled for by Union officers foryears.

In my manifesto last year I statedthat I would introduce a burger barinto Solus. Since my term of officebegan, I have worked with my fellowofficers and staff to look at the opera-tion of night time catering in theUnion.

A number of different contractorswere approached and othersapproached us. We also had to identifya suitable venue for catering. Thevenue that was selected has neededextensive work on it to bring it up tohealth and safety standards, as well asto find alternative catering facilitiesfor use by the numerous bands whoplay live music at the Union.

One of the first rules of journalismis to check your sources when writingan article. Disappointingly, DanielRidler failed to contact me regardingthe issue of the burger bar. Had hehave done so he would have had someexciting news. The Union is currentlyin discussions with the manager ofCF10 for Diamond Catering to run aburger bar in Solus.

These discussions are welladvanced, and I’m very pleased toannounce that Diamond Catering willbe having the Burger Bar’s openingnight on 24 March.The burger bar willbe open for an initial trial period – andI’m hoping to be behind the counter onthe opening night!

Pete GoodmanCardiff Students’ Union President

Wood you shut up?DEAR ‘WOODY BARMAID’. I’m ter-ribly sorry to have offended youand your fine establishment.

I do however feel that you com-pletely missed my very simple point; Idon’t like the new colour of theWoodville. Instead you used my criti-cism as an opportunity to shamelesslyplug the recent refurbishments. I didnot comment on the interior as thiswas not the purpose of my letter and iscompletely irrelevant.

I liked the previous ‘playschooly’shade of bright yellow. That is myopinion and I feel the new ‘turd’ shadediminishes the outside appeal of thepub. Also, as the average age of stu-dents will never change, do their sur-roundings really need to ‘grow up’?

Situated at the heart of our studentcommunity, I feel discussing theWoodville does actually matter. If youdon’t then why do you work there?

Yours, Nikki, third year

Losing My ReligionI FEEL QUITE inspired to say some-thing after reading Chris White’seditorial piece ‘Education notCreation’ in last week’s gair rhydd.

I think the answer as to why scien-tists do not defend their ideas is quite asimple one - they’re true.

Religious people (of which I used tobe one, and speak from quite reason-able experience) know that their ideasare founded on something far lessstrong than the scientists’.

The more pragmatic among themlearn to continually reset the ‘Godlevel’ (eg. religion: ‘God made man’;Science: ‘Man evolved from apes’;Religion: ‘Ok, God made the Apes’etc...).

When I abandoned religion, I thinkI was up to ‘God made gravity, thestrong nuclear force and the elec-troweak forces’. Simple. The moredogmatic know, at least on some level,that dogma has to be fought for,because it is, at heart, rubbish.

The scientists know they’ve got itright, so what’s the point in fighting.Let’s make this the non-issue it is(while I entirely agree that it’s non-sense to teach creationism, Darwinismis really only a tiny bit of science -there are a lot more important things tostudy).

Personally, I prefer Miles Kington’s(Independent) notion of ‘unintelligentdesign’, namely that the universe isone of God’s school projects, aban-doned before he started to really get itright.

My other, possibly more importantpoint, was to point out a little bit ofnon-scientific thinking in the piece.The criticism of Wikipedia is entirelywrong. The difference in errorbetween Wikipedia and the Britannicais a MERE 30%.

Let’s look at that scientifically: if,say, 0.1% of all Britannica articlescontain an error, the 0.13% of allWikipedia ones do - which is remark-able when you consider that it is notstrictly regulated like the Britannica -the point that the nature article wasmaking. Keep using Wikipedia, kids!!

James Landon

Election DepressionSTUDENT POLITICS. How utterly,soul destroying and pointless. Thenever-ending parade of brayingstudents thinking, somehow, thattheir tedious unoriginal opinionswill ever matter, gets moredepressing each year.

I’ve been at university long enoughto be thoroughly sick of the annualcharade of Union elections. Seriously,the same campaigns (grants ‘n’ fees,fair trade, more skive time on aWednesday, etc.) It just gets dullerevery year.

I’ve got some serious news for youhere - YOU will not change fees up ordown a single penny, because you area nobody Education and WelfareOfficer whose political clout in theWelsh Assembly/Westminster/StarFleet is marginally less than that of theperson who applies Grecian 2000 toTony Blair’s scalp. And dressing up asfairy as part of your campaign can’tconvince me otherwise. I’m talking

about YOU, Tinkerbell !Think long and hard third years

and postgrads; what have any of theannual selection of self-aggrandizingimbeciles ever achieved for you intheir sinecures. Nothing. Absolutelynothing. The whole point of studentelections is to give students with limit-ed intellect and large mouths some-thing to put on their precious CVs.

It would be nice to walk away ashake of the head, but these electionscost money, and, bugger me, thesepeople get paid good money to swanaround for a year doing sweet FA.Money which comes from the Unionand the profits it makes. I wonderexactly how much of the £2 for a pintof Guinness in the Union goes towardsthe upkeep of a executive whosePresident’s sole tangible achievementseems to have been setting up a burgerbar in the nightclub. And even that’staken all bloody year! Such politicaldynamic. Won’t be a matter of time tillyou’re addressing Congress, will itPete?

To cap it all we get students writ-ing oh-so-earnestly about banningCoke. Why pick the same easy targets,Coke, Nestle, Rolls Royce. Yawn. Itsounds worse than a Guardian editori-al beit one written by Neil from TheYoung Ones.

No-one ever considers banning cig-arettes from sale in the Union, dothey? And surely PhilipMorris/Imperial and Gallagher et al dofar more damage to students’ health,wealth and lifestyle, never mind theirsharp business practices in the thirdworld, than a Yorkie bar ever did.

But that wouldn’t be so easy wouldit? I can’t see the crusties from People‘n’ Planet voting to have to walk toSainsbury’s for their rolling baccy.

Why not revolutionise student pol-itics (and save a few quid) and makethe voting all electronic, and compul-sory (like Australian elections).During a seven-day period when youcheck your email you go to a votingpage and do your democratic duty.Then watch how many people tickR.O.N. / Don’t Give a Shit / AllTossers box. Or when the referendumto ‘Ban Cheesy Wotsits’ is called forby the Pringles Appreciation Societythey would actually have to get major-ity to force their whim through.Perhaps then candidates and single-issue groups would realise how littlepeople care about them and theirgormless opinions.

Vive la revolution!“Election Beaver”

Depression SupportI AM SORRY the student whowrote in last week to complainabout the counselling service feltso angry.

We provide a variety of forms ofsupport and the depression supportgroup is one of them. We provide thecounsellor, the room and provide stu-dents with the information on date andtime.

What we cannot control however, iswhether students will turn up. I thinkthat the student was right to feel disap-pointed. However, that frustration, if itis directed anywhere, should be direct-ed towards the other students who hadsigned up and did not, for what everreason, turn up.

Resources are always very tight forus and any missed appointment is awasted opportunity and waste ofresources.

Perhaps the student concernedwould like to contact me personally.

John Cowley Head of Counselling

Letter CorrectionTwo weeks ago I wrote that one ofPeople and Planet’s membersdescribed gair rhydd as ‘right-wing’.

It turns out that I was in fact mis-taken. I can only apologise to P&P formy libellous remarks. (Because that’swhat libel actually is.)

Yours,

The Geordie formerly known ascolumnist.

Hello, I regret to inform you that this is the last Letters pagebefore Easter. Boo hoo. Oh well, eating Easter eggs can fuel yourdepression. Eggcellent (excuse the pun, it’s just Menon beingMenon. If I don’t include puns, I will have an identity crisis). Movingswiftly ON, (only once), I have no space left. Oh dear. Menon.

gair rhydd letters pages

TTeexxtt:: 0077779911116655883377


CPS burn in hell youuseless fuckwits.

No job, two bankaccounts, parents giveher money = 1735 quidhardship grant soundsfair.

Mike and Laura are acuple. Fact.

Hello who is this?

Whats the point of afemale necrophilliac? Usmen get all the fun!

Metro sellers: fuck offand die, parasites!

Big Breakfast, a littlebit of magic in the morn-ing.

Blair: you and megeorge eh? on broke-back mountain?

“Cardiff Student’s Unionpromotes sensible drink-ing”

La la la fishcakes, mayyour salt and vinegar beblessed.

Dont sit drunk on king-coed flyover. You’ll getcommited under section2. Believe me.

letter of the weekFactory Fact

CAN WE PLEASE stop all thistiresome whinging about FunFactory please?

Granted it can be a heavingsweat-saturated hovel of despair, butat least there’s some vibrancy aboutit. Better that then another dungeonlike Metros.

The Union caters for thousandsof people, with limited few Slayerfans. Like electoral politics, a widermargin of the student populace mustbe catered for. Alienate the majorityand prepare to fail.

Ok, so Fun Factory is supposedto be ‘alternative’, and clearly does-n’t always fulfil this promise. Butthis catch-all ‘alternative’ monikercould be extended to mean virtuallyanything that’s never graced thecharts.

Various styles are covered withinthe boundaries of the Union’s capa-bility. We are played what is popularwithin the alternative, which due toits vast popularity has become a sec-tion of the mainstream in itself.

Spare us the upset about ‘your’precious alternative night beingtaken over by jockstrapped rahs and

medallioned hoi polloi.The most laughable statement of

the lot was saved till last: that ‘rockand alternative nights are not forposeurs’. Hell there’s nothing wrongwith taking care of one’s appearance,or even wearing a uniform to demarkyour allegiances. Most people doone way or another.

But don’t pretend to be immunefrom such vanity: emo and indie kidsare surely some of the most shame-less fashion exhibitionists about.

Finn Scott-Delany

Please email letters [email protected]

Fancy a moan about studentlife? Want to get your pointacross to the Cardiff studentpopulation? Then your in theright place! Email us your let-ters on the above address.

We will endeavour to print any-thing that we think is worth-while, but bear in mind we havespace restrictions and somestandards of decency. Pleasealso note that the viewsexpressed in these letters arenot neccessarily the views ofLetters Desk, Cardiff UniversityStudents’ Union or gair rhydd.

This year’s elections havebeen home to the same myri-ad of half-truths, absurd cam-

paigning and outright lies thatwe’re all pretty darned used to.Unfortunately between the fact wecan’t write about the President orAU President candidates yet,we’re a little short of material.Still, tally ho:

Least Grasp Of How The UnionWorks Award

Several candidates pledged thatthey were going to put sections intothe gair rhydd, with the most notablepledge aiming to get a Societies pageat the expense of one of the televisionpages. If any society have any interest-ing news of something they’ve done,they can talk to our news team; if theywant something advertised they canput it in our excellent listings section.Aside from these two possibilities,and having had to sit through twoyears’ of drivel at Societies Council,they do absolutely nothing else of anyinterest to warrant having a page.

Most importantly - and this is worthnoting for anyone planning on runningnext year - no-one outside of the paperhas the authority to decree what theywant in it. If you want to makechanges then you come up to the officeand put in the hours to earn respectfirst like everyone else here does,whether you’re a fresher or a Sabbofficer. Most Absurd Promise Award

Easily the tightest competition forany award. There’s the pledge to putinto place universal application ofBlackboard (which is quite self-evi-dently at the decision of lecturers, nota Sabb officer), various promises of‘better funding’ (presumably fundedwith a bullshit tax), or everyone’sannual pledge to work more closelywith RAG and SHAG, which willshortly be followed by the annual dis-appointment. Clear winner, however,is Kate Monaghan’s aim of setting upan on-campus GUM clinic, which isprecisely 37,654 miles beyond thecapabilities of the Education andWelfare Officer. Should this ever trulyhappen, I’ll personally attend to everydiseased scrot that comes in.Worst Campaign

Although Doctor Kate comes aclose second with her declaration thatthe Union was sick, Clare Donovantakes an easy first place for havingspent the last week and half screamingthe Jim’ll Fix It theme tune at peopleon the crossroads. Who on Earthdecided that was sound basis forchoosing a candidate shouldn’t have aplace at this university, let alone a votein the elections?Most Pointless Document Award

Me and the Union Constitutionhave history: people have twice threat-

ened to use the nutjob document to tryand suspend me, so this is somethingrather personal. The problem is thatthe damned thing is interpreted so lit-erally by anyone who thinks they havesomething to gain. In the case of theelections, a delay in the start of count-ing could have potentially led to theentire election campaign having to berestarted, because of a technicalityrequiring the counting to start within24 hours of the polls shutting. And, ofcourse, it meant that we couldn’t (andin the case of the President and AUPresident elections, still can’t) pointout the absolute lies in some of themanifestos. Anyone with pyromaniactendencies: please get in contact andI’ll put you in the direction of everycopy of the bleeding thing.Most Obnoxious Candidate Award

Out of the stiff competition, thenew Welsh Affairs Officer stands headand shoulders above everyone else. Incase he didn’t notice, the vast majorityof the Welsh population at theUniversity (let alone the rest of theelectorate) don’t speak Welsh, so hismanifesto and speech at hustings wassomething of a waste of time. A candi-date worthy of a good RONing. Best Blow For Feminism Award

The new all-women editorship ofgair rhydd and Quench haveannounced that the fortnightly maga-zine will be replaced by a differentpiece of make-up every week. A part-work for readers to build their own kit-ten is also on the cards, and editingnight on Thursday will turn into asleepover to talk about boys and prettyclothes and, like, stuff. Mickelodeon,meanwhile, will be replaced by TheBest of Cosmo, Politics will be suc-ceeded by Heat’s Torso of the Week,and the dragon logo will make way fora picture of an amputated penis.

A NIGHT AT THE BALLOT: Returning Officer in dual-tounged shocker


MICKELODEON

Following on from last week’sincisive analysis of the strikeaction (titled Strike One - DO

YOU SEE?), I’ve heard a new,lovely theory about what AUTmembers could do tostop pissing people off.

The problem with lec-turers choosing not to markour coursework is that wearen’t the ones who pay thelecturers. Boycotting ourwork is a bit like train driversgoing on strike by picketing theEducation Department: it’ll pissa lot of people off, but it’s ulti-mately in about the same leagueof effectiveness as chocolate fire-guards.

So, killing about 37 birds with onestone here, why don’t the lecturerskeep marking our work and just stopfilling in the pointless paperworkthey’re sent by the university?

We get to graduate on time, lec-turers get to ditch all their pointlesswork, and the university’s mostpointless departments will bedevoid of work for a while. Soundslike a winning combination to me.

Anyway, elsewhere in the barkingworld of striking, the news has beenchockful of French students blockad-ing themselves into their universitiesover changes to the employmentlaws.

In a way it sounds massively excit-ing. Can you imagine blocking your-self into the Humanities building fordays on end? Sure, there are a lot of

exits to cover, but there are plenty ofvending machines to sustain strikeyaction.

Whilst it may be exciting and willalmost certainly work (the Frenchgovernment cave in the face of thissort of thing faster than a Vegas hook-er under her pimp), they’re ultimate-ly still going to be stuck in what isone of Europe’s most stagnanteconomies.

So here’s a little academic trade:how about we take on some of theGallic lecturers and send ours offto the revolting students? Atleast this way at least one side of

the Channelcan lookforward tograduatingthis year.

ELECTION LATEST: Piss-up in brewery cancelled

Manifesto Massacre

Strike Two

Rupert Murdoch has made atidy little earner out ofalways being one step

ahead of the game. By ‘tidy littleearner’ I do, of course, mean‘huge, terrifying piles of cashthat could topple over and killyou at any moment’.

But like trying to explain mobilephones to your Grandma, the internethas swanned past NewsInternational, prompting a companyreview last year by Murdoch to getonline. One buy-up blowout later andhalf the internet is now in the compa-ny’s hands, with MySpace now thejewel in the crown.

But it looks like Murdoch’s fingerhas fallen well and truly off themedia pulse. Having paid a ridicu-lous £331 million for the site, he’snow taking the truly barking step oflinking it to the Sun.

Our Antipodean chum has decidedthat as The Times readership is toostately to do MySpace then the onlyother option is turning tabloid. But itkind of overlooks the fact that theSun is now largely the preserve ofold men in pubs discussing the finerpoints of pigeon-racing, whilstMySpace is really there pouting inmirrors for ropey photos to the soundof My Chemical Romance. They’reabout as close to polar opposites incultural terms as you could get.

In the meantime we can expect thefinal slow death of MySpace in thehands of a media baron from anotherage. Whilst the idea that the main-stream media belongs to a bygoneage is absurd, a company as massiveas News International can’t evolve asquickly as new media needs it to.

So what does the death ofMySpace mean? Hardly the end of abrave new world of social network-ing. I can count on one hand thenumber of people who don’t getbored of MySpace within the firstthree months, and also see daylighton an at least daily basis.

Instead it’s just the end of bothmedia baron and a massively over-hyped phenomenon. In 20 yearstime, it’s difficult to imagine anyonelamenting either of those.

PHO

TO: Jam

es Perou

Come on,MySun

FOXY: Murdoch gets Myspacey

NOT: A lecturer


Enough sleaze to please

Sleaze, scandal andcorruption – three words towarm the cockles of many a

political commentator. Like mus-keteers, they usually all appear inthe same story and are mildlyentertaining when they do. Andsuch entertainment seems to havebeen everywhere over the past fewmonths, as Labour appear to sinkdeeper into political sin.

The News of the World may have toturn broadsheet just to fit all the sensa-tionalism into one print. Every week,another scandal: Tessa Jowell oneweek, secret party loans the next and,by my watch, Peter Mandelson is duesome controversy any time now. If Ihad to guess, I’d say that some ducttape, a webcam and a goat might beinvolved.

With the amount of column inchestaken up by sleaze this year, anyonewould think that Labour andWestminster in general were achievingnew heights of political depravity. Butthat’s a pile of steaming manure.

A fortnight ago, an old Tory namedJohn Profumo passed away. In 1963 hewas forced to resign having lied to theCommons over an affair with a callgirl. The furore surrounding the storymade worldwide headlines and was

mentioned for years to come.Sir Ian McKellen playedProfumo in the movieabout the incident.

So sleaze is not amodern phenomenon. Itwas simply not as wide-ly uncovered as it istoday. For example, theProfumo affair was notsensational because of thecall girl – dozens of MPswere rumoured to playaway, a fact just glossed over.The scandal erupted becausethe call girl in question had alsogot friendly with Soviet IntelligenceOfficer Yevgeny Ivanov, this beingamidst the height of the Cold War.

And political decadence certainlydidn’t kick off with the swingingSixties. Back when World War One

was big news, PrimeMinister LloydGeorge began sell-

ing honoursand titlesthrougha bro-

ker to anybody whohad the money,

offering every-thing fromViscountciesat £120,000to OBEs ata mere£100 a pop.By the time

of his resignation, George had made acool £150 million in today’s moneyfrom his little hobby.

And now, 80 years later, Labour hasbeen accused of a strikingly similarsideline. How times don’t change.

The last two decades have wit-nessed a flood of exposed corruption,from ‘Cash for Questions’, to the per-jury of Aitkin and Archer, toMandelson, to Blunkett, to now. But itisn’t that politics has got or is gettingincreasingly corrupt; it’s that the pub-lic are getting increasingly curious.

Fifty years ago there was no Sun –being sleazy was not the risky businessit is today, and so, far from someimmaculate era, the past was probablymore abused with political corruptionthan the present.

But the unquestioning reverencegiven to Westminster has vanished,and no politician can now hidebehind an unspoken veil of journal-istic taboo. Every MP is open to theDaily Mirror phone-tapping theirnecktie.

Some say that the public havelost respect for politicians due toall the unearthed scandals ofrecent years. In fact, that so manyscandals have been revealed hasled to public respect for MPs fading.

And so now we have our weeklybulletins of fresh controversy,

bringing our wayward politicians toaccount in the public domain. Yet thisoverkill of sensationalism is doingmatters no good at all.

The high frequency of sleaze storiesin the media deflates their impact. Atthe current rate, nobody will care aboutthe newest scandal because suchreports will feel like old news, a con-stant background noise of sound bitesand statements.

Labour’s current standing illustratesthis clearly. Sleaze one week hardlydents their footing the next – TessaJowell hasn’t even had to leave officeover her and her husband’s affairs.Soon the public may not even care fora denial, let alone a resignation, andcorruption will casually become therule, not the exception.

Tabloids must filter out the trivialstories from the titanic, not sacrificetheir front pages every week to anoth-er mass-produced controversy. If theydon’t, we risk endorsing corruptionrather than exposing it.

Tony Blair has had an eventfulpremiership punctuated withlies, cover-ups, war and ter-

rorism. It is fair to say that thereis a definite lack of faith in himthese days, as with each baddecision or ill-advised quote,another segment of his supportfades away.

One of the chief problems manypeople have with Blair is his contin-ued loyalty to President Bush. Thefeeling against George W is intense,his image as an overtly right-wing,intellectually challenged, hawkish,trigger-happy warmonger is a strangething for any leader to want to be con-nected with, and Tony Blair has beentainted by association.

It appears that there is a definiteanti-Blair bandwagon, largely influ-enced by the media, consisting ofthose who will criticise Blair withoutreally knowing why, just becauseeveryone else does and it will boosttheir popularity.

One of the chief reasons he has lostso much support is through his con-stant deceptions, the biggest of whichcentered on the invasion of Iraq andthe weapons of mass destruction.

In a speech to the Foreign PolicyCentre on Tuesday he tried to answerhis critics, making the point that thepeople of Iraq wanted democracy andfreedom, in which case Saddam hadto go. Yet the point remains that Blairwas not honest about his reasons inthe first place, and now, howeverplausible his arguments may be, theywill always be taken with an enor-mous pinch of salt.

But it seems that through all theBlair-bashing there lies a danger ofpeople becoming so anti-war that theyare almost pro-Saddam - GeorgeGalloway par exemple. All agree thatwar is a bad thing, but justifying con-flict is a different matter.

If the war had not happenedSaddam would still be killing people.However, questions persist over thereasoning behind the war, added tothe fact that it was not endorsed bythe UN. Furthermore, wider issues,such as whether larger states shouldinterfere with smaller nations, contin-ue to be debated.

More recently Blair has lost moreconfidence from the public due tosleaze in the ‘Lordships for loans’fiasco, where it is reported that hegave peerages to three men who hadmade substantial loans to the party.

Yet as serious as these scandals

seem to us, compared to many othercountries Britain is relatively sleaze-free. The scandals overshadow thegood things Blair has done, even if heonly has himself to blame.

There is so much spin surroundingBlair it is difficult to establish thetruth. For all the lies and decption, itis important to note that this is a char-acteristic of pretty much every politi-cian. All I am saying is that maybe he

is not all bad. When he made his comments

about religion and his decision to goto war on Parkinson there was muchbemusement. However, after watch-ing the episode, it did seem more likeBlair was trying to explain a difficultdecision.

The mention of religion was per-haps an ill-advised ploy to remind thepublic that he is only human, but it

was still not really that much of a bigdeal. People are extremely quick tojudge the Prime Minister and the gov-ernment, seeing health advice on obe-sity, or the smoking ban as infringingtheir rights. It has got to the pointwhere Blair cannot win, but is thisactually because he is wrong orbecause we are so used to believinghim to be?

By Victoria LawstonPolitical Correspondent

The News ofthe World mayhave to turnbroadsheet justto fit in all thesensationalism

A PREY OF JUDGEMENT

By Andy RennisonDeputy Political Editor

DON’T MESS WITH TESSA: Jowell fought off her recent scandal

Politics concludes its look at the main poltical parties:this week, a critical eye is cast upon the Labour government

IN THE SHADOWS: Blair is tarred with Bush’s brush

Arian yn Siarad

AR MAWRTH 14 gwersylloddmyfyrwyr sy'n galw am GolegFfederal Cymraeg tu allan i adeiladnewydd y Senedd.

Trefnwyd yr ymgyrch gan UMCA(Undeb Myfyrwyr CymraegAberystwyth), sy'n dadlau nad ywdarpariaeth Prifysgol Aberystwyth ynddigonol ar gyfer y rheini sy'n dymunoastudio trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg.

Cyn mynd i'r brifysgol roedd nifer ofyfyrwyr Aberystwyth dan yr argraff ybyddai canran fawr o'u cwrs yn cael eidysgu trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg, a dimond wrth gyrraedd y sylweddolwydnad oedd hynny'n wir.

’Des i i Aberystwyth i astudioDaearyddiaeth nid Geography,' meddaiun o'r myfyrwyr a gafodd ei siomi, acmae UMCA wedi bod yn ymgyrchudros newid y sefyllfa hon.

‘Mae Prifysgol Aberystwyth yngweithio i gryfhau'r ddarpariaeth cyfr-wng Cymraeg, gan gynnwys yr angenam ddeunydd addas ac, yr un morbwysig, i feithrin diddordeb ymysgmwy o fyfyrwyr i fanteisio ar yddarpariaeth hon,' meddai Osian Rhys,cyn-Lywydd UMCA, yn 2004.

Er gwaethaf cyfres o brotestiadau agalw ar y Llywodraeth leol ac ar yCynulliad, dyw'r sefyllfa heb newid.

Dywedodd Llywydd presennolUMCA, Stephen Hughes, 'Mae'namser tyngedfennol i addysg Gymraegar hyn o bryd - nid yw'r sefyllfa bre-sennol yn dderbyniol. Mae angen str-wythur gadarn a phedant i ddatblyguaddysg Gymraeg, ac rydym o'r farnmai Coleg Ffederal Cymraeg yw'rffordd orau i gyflawni hynny.'

Ond beth yw Coleg FfederalCymraeg?

'Nid adeilad ac nid rhywbethllythrennol fydd y coleg,' meddai RhysLlwyd, un o'r ymgyrchwyr, 'ond str-

wythur amlsefydliadol dros Gymru ermwyn datblygu ac ariannu addysgGymraeg.'

Collodd tua 40 o fyfyrwyr gwsgdros addysg Gymraeg yn oerfel BaeCaerdydd. Roedd y mwyafrif oBrifysgol Aberystwyth, gyda chynry-chiolwyr o Brifysgol Bangor, PrifysgolCaerdydd a Chymru X yno hefyd.Darparodd Cymru X, Plaid Cymru acUndeb Cristnogol Caerdydd fwyd i'rymgyrchwyr.

'Mae Jane Davidson [Gweinidog

dros Addysg yn y Cynulliad] wedi caelhen ddigon o amser i gynllunio strate-gaeth am Goleg Ffederal ers i'r protes-tiadau gychwyn yn 2003,' meddaiJonathan Richards, aelod o BwyllgorGwaith Cymru X, 'ond nid ydyw wediymateb i'r myfyrwyr. Mae hyn ynwarthus.' Ychwanegodd Darren Price,Swyddog Ymgyrchoedd Cymru X, bod'derbyn addysg drwy'r iaith Gymraegyn hawl sylfaenol.'

Ar ôl ychydig oriau o gwsg ymgas-glodd y gwersyllwyr ac ymgyrchwyr

eraill y tu allan i'r Eglwys Norwyeg am11.30 fore Mercher. ArweinioddStephen Hughes orymdaith o amgylchadeiladau'r Cynulliad yn bloeddio am'Addysg Gymraeg yn awr' gan obeithiona fyddai'r gwleidyddion yn troi clustfyddar.

Cyrhaeddodd yr orymdaith ySenedd lle anerchodd Janet Ryder, lle-farydd Plaid Cymru dros Addysg aDysgu Gydol Oes, Catrin Dafydd,cadeirydd grwp Deddf Iaith NewyddCymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg a

Stephen Hughes y protestwyr a'rcyfryngau a oedd wedi ymgynnull yno.

Yr un oedd ergyd y tri: mae'rddarpariaeth bresennol yn annigonolac anghyfiawn o dan lywodraeth Lafursy'n honni ei bod am greu Cymruddwyieithog, gan alw arni i ystyried eipholisïau o ddifrif ynghylch darpari-aeth addysg Gymraeg.

Dywedodd Stephen Hughes ei fodyn gobeithio y byddai sefydlu ColegFfederal yn arwain at sefydlu UndebMyfyrwyr Cymraeg yng Nghaerdydd,a bod gwir angen am hynny. Ydych chierioed wedi ystyried y posibiliad oUndeb Cymraeg yng Nghaerdydd?Byddwn i'n ei chroesawu â breichiauagored.

Mae'n gywilyddus ac yn anner-byniol nad oes gan fyfyrwyr PrifysgolCaerdydd y dewis i dderbyn eu had-dysg trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg. Dairblynedd yn ôl dilëwyd y cwrs HanesCymru, gydag ond un adran yn dysgutrwy'r Gymraeg bellach, sef Ysgol yGymraeg.

Er bod modd sefyll pob arholiad acysgrifennu pob traethawd yn Gymraeg,nid yw hynny'n ddarpariaeth ddigonol,ac ychydig sy'n dewis dilyn y trywyddhwnnw gan mai Saesneg yw cyfrwngpob agwedd arall o'u cwrs. Gall sefyd-lu Coleg Ffederal newid hynny.

Mae'n siwr bod nifer fawr ohonomwedi profi anghyfiawnder ieithyddolyn ystod ein gyrfa yn y brifysgol. Ergwaetha'r cynllun iaith, sy'n dweud ydylai'r Gymraeg gael ei thrin yn gyfar-tal â'r Saesneg, prin y gwelwn hynny'ncael ei weithredu. Anaml y mae'rwybodaeth a'r gwasanaeth sy'n cael eigynnig i'r myfyrwyr yn ddwyieithog.Gall sefydlu Undeb MyfyrwyrCymraeg newid hynny.

Os nad ydym yn galw am wella'rddarpariaeth ar gyfer myfyrwyrCymraeg ni fydd y brifysgol yn gweldyr angen am newid. Felly galwchamdano. Mae eisiau, a'i angen 'nawr.

Tud 14 Mawrth 27 [email protected]

ADDYSG GYMRAEG NAWR!

PROTEST: Galw am Goleg Ffederal Cymraeg

Wyt ti’n awyddus i gyfrannu at Taf-0d?Tyrd i’n gweld ni ar bedwerydd llawr yr Undeb neu

ebostia: [email protected]

Gan Lois DafyddGohebydd Taf-Od

‘BETH YW'R PWYNT?' Gofynnoddllawer o bobl i mi pan ddwedais i'mod i'n dysgu'r Gymraeg. 'Maepawb yn gallu siarad Saesneg.'

Efallai bod chi'n meddwl maidyma broblem y Saeson? Dy'n nhwddim wedi rhoi'r gorau i feddian-nu'r byd. Efallai. Ond faint o boblsy'n fodlon dysgu iaith sy ddim yngallu cael ei hysgrifennu ar euCVs?

Ydych chi wedi mynd ar eichgwyliau i Ffrainc erioed? Bob trodwi'n mynd yno dwi'n gweld pobl(ry'ch chi'n gwybod bod ydyn nhw -Prydeinig o'r siorts sy'n dadlennicoesau gwynion) sy'n pwyntio i'rfwydlen dan weiddi: 'WHAT IS THATIN ENGLISH?' i'r gweinyddionFfrengig dig.

Byddai'n wallgof awgrymu bod yteithwyr eisiau i faner Jac yr Undebchwifio uwchben y Champs Elysees

achos ein bod ni'n gwybod bod yteithwyr sy ddim yn trio siaradFfrangeg yn Ffrainc yn bobl ddiog,nid yn bobl hiliol. Dyma ran o'rbroblem ac mae hi'n anodd newidagweddau fel hyn.

Ond dwi'n credu bod rhywbethmwy yn bygwth y Gymraeg. MaeCymdeithas Yr Iaith Gymraeg acymgyrchwyr eraill yn ymladd brwydrheb obaith am nad ydyn nhw'nceisio gwrthwynebu'r Saesneg.

Ond - 'globalisation' - doesdim gair yn y Gymraeg iddi ond gall-wch chi ei disgrifio gan ei heffaith,sef marwolaeth diwylliant ac amry-wiaeth.

Dyma'r perygl mwyaf i'r iaithGymraeg. Pe na bai budd econo-maidd i bobl, pam fydden nhw eisi-au dysgu'r iaith Gymraeg? Mae ganarian barch at un peth yn unig -mwy o arian. Tra bod arian ynsiarad, bydd pobl yn gwrando - adydy arian ddim yn siaradCymraeg, yn anffodus.

Gan Nick MorrisGohebydd Taf-Od

March 27 2006 Page 15Science & [email protected]

The recent drug trial catastro-phe cannot have escapedanyone’s attention in the last

ten days, dominating headlinesand people’s thoughts.

This is an area that has a greatimpact on students, as many choose toparticipate in trials to earn a quickbuck. So what went so wrong thistime, and should people be put off inthe future?

The investigation by the Medicinesand Healthcare products RegulatoryAgency (MHRA) is still under way soit is important to stress that no-oneknows what happened, and contamina-tion is still a possibility.

However, experts from across theworld have developed a likely and sci-entifically sound scenario. The drug inquestion, TGN 1412, is a monoclonalantibody, a highly specific proteininvolved in the immune response.

It is designed to regulate theimmune response in patients sufferingfrom immune system-related diseases,such as leukaemia and rheumatoidarthritis, by activating immune systemcells called T cells.

Lab trials of the drug showed that itspecifically increased regulatory Tcells, which control the immune sys-tem and prevent it from attacking theperson’s own body (as is the case withauto-immune diseases, such asrheumatoid arthritis).

It was also supposed to increase the

ability of the body to identifyleukaemia cells that must bedestroyed.

What seems to have gone wrong isthat the drug activated all T cells,including natural killer ones, whichactually destroy cells.

Activating all killer T cells wouldcause destruction of any cell they came

into contact with (as another feature ofthe drug is that it removes the need forthese killer cells to be made specific).

This would result in the total organfailure seen in the desperately unfortu-nate trial patients.

Ken Campbell, of LeukaemiaResearch UK, has said this is “the mostplausible explanation”.

So could this have been predicted?Any candidate drug must go through aseries of trials, including two in ani-mals, usually mice and monkeys,before they may be tested on humans.

During this process, there were noproblems with the drug and it had thedesired affect in the animal trials(reports of gland swelling in monkeysare likely to be unrelated to the horrorsseen in the human trial).

However, a year ago an article writ-ten by Peter Linsley and mentioned onTeGenera’s own website, warns of thedangers of super-activating T cells,especially highlighting the possibilityof resulting in indiscriminate killing ofcells.

Some also question the reliability ofanimal testing on antibody therapiessuch as this, as antibodies are so spe-cific they may have different affects indifferent animals, even those as close-

ly related as humans and monkeys. Also, it is common to test cancer

drugs in seriously ill patients. This isparticularly relevant in this case, asboosting the immune response (as wasthe desired effect of this drug) couldhave been predicted to have severeaffects in patients with a fully func-tioning immune system.

Considering all these points togeth-er, it seems that quite a large risk wastaken testing this drug in healthyhumans.

All of this is easy to say with thebenefit of hindsight. But there aresome definite lessons to be learnt fromthis nightmare.

Some have used this episode toquestion using animal testing, but thisis not a realistic option.

That would result in more eventslike this, or just less drugs. Both ofthese are extremely undesirable.

A possible future venture is to cre-ate animals that more closely resemblethe inner workings of humans so (noone is proposing to make a half manhalf rat!) so that tests in animals aremore reliable.

It seems likely that greater precau-tions will be taken before allowingfuture antibody drugs to be tested, andunlikely that a drug aiming to boost theimmune system in this way will betested again, at least in healthy people.

However, such nightmare scenariosare extremely uncommon, and humantrials are absolutely essential in theprocess of bringing a drug onto themarket.

People that volunteer for them notonly make a pretty penny, but give mil-lions of patients hope. Hope that incur-able diseases will one day be curable.Trials are vital, and 99.9% are perfect-ly safe.

All this conjecture may well beproven irrelevant by the investigationfinding a source of contamination;regardless, some important questionshave been raised.

TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONSScience takes a look at the, er, science behind the UK drugs trial fiasco

By Mark Norman Science Correspondent

DRUGS: bad

SCARY: Not for two grand, thanks

No-one yetknows exactlywhat happened

Such nightmarescenarios areextremelyuncommon inhuman trials

Page 17March 27 2006 [email protected]

Drinking is involved in nearlyevery celebration or ritualyou can think of.

Birthdays, weddings, passingexams; but nobody needs an excuse todrink. It can be as simple as goingdown to your local on a Saturday after-noon for ‘a few’ with your friends.

More than 90% of the adult popula-tion drinks alcohol. Drinking isacceptable in today’s society, and evenbeing drunk can cause amusement toothers, as long as you are not sick ontheir shoes.

Alcohol can relax you, reduce anxi-ety, even make you feel happier, betterabout yourself- at least in the shortterm. It is a legal drug. However, thereis a catch. It plays a part in up to33,000 deaths a year, compared withjust 1,500 caused by other drugs.

So to help people keep track of theirdrinking, alcohol is measured in units.One unit is equal to half a pint of anaverage-strength beer (3.5-4 per centalcohol by volume), or a small (125ml) glass of wine, or a single standard

UK pub measure of a spirit. The rec-ommended amount per day for men isthree to four units and for women it istwo to three.

As it is an addictive drug, a toler-ance can be built up by the body, so itneeds an increased amount each timeto gain the desired effect, and with-drawal symptoms can appear. In theshort term, the withdrawal symptomsmanifest themselves with a hangover,stomach aches, headaches, etc.

Long-term, heavy drinking candirectly harm most parts of the body.In particular, it often leads to heart andliver disease and stomach problems.

As long as it is treated in the rightway, alcohol should not be a problemfor the majority of people. The bestway to enjoy it is by sticking to therecommended daily amount as a ruleand having ‘major’ drinking sessionsin moderation. The latter, however, isnot really to be recommended.

MANY VICTIMS OF liver dis-ease are not alcoholics,and even moderate social

drinkers are at risk from liver dam-age.

Alcohol is one cause of liver dis-ease, but just one of many, and the riskdepends on how much you drink andover how long a period.

Some people are more sensitive toalcohol than others, so there is no suchthing as a ‘safe’ amount, although doc-tors recommend no more than twodrinks a day. Even moderate amountsof alcohol can have toxic effects whentaken with ‘over the counter’ drugswhich contain acetaminophen.

Alcoholic hepatitis is frequentlydiscovered in alcoholics, but can alsooccur in non-alcoholics. The way aliver can react to alcohol varies fromperson to person. Alcoholic hepatitis isan inflammation of the liver that lastsone to two weeks. Symptoms includeloss of appetite, nausea, vomiting,abdominal pain and tenderness, fever,jaundice, and occasionally, mental

confusion. It is believed to lead toalcoholic cirrhosis, a permanent dam-age to liver cells, over a period ofyears.

Women appear to be more likely tosuffer liver damage through drinkingalcohol. Even when a man and womanhave the same weight and drink thesame amount, the woman generallyhas a higher concentration of alcoholin the blood as she has more body fatand less water than a man. Her bodytherefore reacts to the alcohol

differently.

DRINK SPIKING can happen any-where, in a bar, in a club, or evenat a private party. Victims areleft vulnerable and at risk of sexattacks.

Spiking somebody’s drink is aserious offence and carries a cus-todial sentence of 10 years if vio-lent intent is proven. The mostcommonly used drugs to put insomebody’s drink are Rohypnol,GHB or ketamine.

Victims may suffer symptomsthat include vomiting, slurredspeech, loss of consciousness,poor balance, muscle spasmsand breathing difficulties.Behaviour can also be affected:Inhibitions become lowered andthe person may lose control act-ing in an overly flirtatious way.

Women aged 15 to 30 are themost likely to be targeted. Thebest advice to follow is to neverleave your drink unattended. Ifyou have to go somewhere with-out it, you should leave it withsomeone you trust. Do not let astranger buy you a drink andalways watch the bar staff whenthey are pouring it. If you aredancing, bottles are easier tokeep safe, as you can simply putyour thumb over the top.

If you think your drink has beenspiked, alert a friend or the policeas soon as possible, especially ifyou want to prosecute the attack-er, as the drugs do not stay in yoursystem for a long time.

There are those who would saythat the ‘typical’ studentlifestyle lives up to every

stereotype in the book.Missing lectures to watch Phil and

Fern discuss the nation’s sex life?Check. Making your way home fromtown in the wee small hours in a shop-ping trolley pushed by your house-mate? Check. Drinking yourself into astupor more than once a term? In mycase, put a big fat tick in that box too.

Alcohol is for some reason inextri-cably linked to studenthood in the col-lective mind of the nation. The major-ity of university anecdotes will startwith the words ‘Well, we were really,really drunk’ and from then onwardsthe sky really is the limit. And for themost part, alcohol-enhanced fun is justthat - harmless fun, with the exceptionof the odd ‘liberated’ traffic cone.

But is it possible to enjoy studentlife without drinking alcohol? Afterthe worst hangover of my life follow-ing a friend’s particularly raucous 21stbirthday celebration, my housemategave me a leaflet for the ‘Thirst ForLife’ campaign. The campaign is achallenge from a collection of healthinitiatives and Christian societies forboth drinkers and non-drinkers to signup and pledge not to consume alcoholfor 40 days, starting March 1.

In the hazy state where never drink-ing again seems like a good idea, thishit me as a good excuse to give thebooze a miss. When I felt better I start-ed to think a bit harder about what notdrinking would mean in terms of mydaily life. Would I be able to go outand have as good a time without theaid of a few vodka and Cokes?

The main issue when deciding

whether to cut out the demon drinkaltogether came when I realised that,after drinking heavily, I was develop-ing a blister-like rash on my shouldersand arms. This was worryingly similarto what an alcohol-intolerant familyfriend had experienced. After muchdeliberation, I signed up to the cam-paign and prepared myself for the nextlong, J20-filled, 40 days.

The first week was fine, my feelingsof smug virtuousness only heightenedby deliberately not going into the con-veniently scheduled beer festival at theunion. However, just like the first fewdays of a new diet, this was not to last.The first hurdle came when I went tosee an old schoolfriend’s band play in

a local bar. My response of “Diet Cokeplease,” didn’t cut it when a friendoffered to buy me a drink, and fromthen on in the fact that I was no longerdrinking became a kind of joke.

Most people seemed to think it wasa strange task to undertake, and I got alot of questions along the lines of‘why would you want to do this?’ and‘I thought you weren’t religious?’ Ithink it was the point at which Irealised I was salivating over thesound of a beer popping on a TVadvert that I realised that alcoholicbeverages had a bigger hold over methan I thought they had.

However, nearly three weeks on, Ihave to say that I am feeling some kind

of benefit. No more hangovers, whichgoes without saying is a major pluspoint. I’m feeling a lot more energetic,which of course has a knock-on effecton most areas of life. More energymeans I need less sleep and can con-centrate a lot better. I’m also shockedat the amount of money I have leftover every week simply from avoidingalcohol.

At the end of the 40-day period, Iwill probably go on to drink again, butthis experience has shown me that it ispossible to have a great time withoutgetting paralytic, and you get toremember a lot more about what wenton too. Which is never a bad thing.

By Laura MurphyDeputy Health Editor

SHOPPING TROLLEY: Cardiff’s alternative student taxi firm

UNITS: The five-a-day plan is not recommended LIVER DISEASE: Not fun

Many of us feel that we drink too much, after all, did any of you try giving up booze for lent? LauraMurphy shares her experiences of staying sober in studentville where a drink or two is often the norm

Are you thirsty for life?

LET YOUR LIVER LIVEBy Liz StauberHealth Correspondent

By Liz StauberHealth Correspondent

Do you already drink too much?

By Liz StauberHealth Correspondent

SPIKED

Blogging buddies?Cyber communication is becomming big business thanks to the popularity of friendship sites such

as FriendsReunited and Myspace, Rosanne White gets networking


Gone are the days of pen-pals,those of the notepaper andstamp variety anyway. In

fact they went out with the prolif-eration of and the coming of age ofone of the world’s favourite netinventions, messenger services.

However, now there’s a new kid intown, taking cyber communications toa whole new level. With an estimated60 million users registered to date,myspace.com provides its users withthe tools to create detailed personalprofiles featuring photos, music,videos and weblogs in addition to afacility aimed at connecting oldfriends.

Although undoubtably a contribu-tion to the size of the internet, do thesesites have an active and useful role toplay or are they just another way ofwasting time online?

In the name of research, I decided toset up my own profile, it couldn’t beeasier. Scrolling through pages ofwallpapers and easily uploading somephotos is about as difficult as it gets,all that remains is a brief questionnaireabout my likes and dislikes and I’mready for business.

Within a few days, I have several‘friends’, along with some requests forfriendship from other users who haveread and commented on my blog. I amsuddenly part of an interactive com-munity, conversing accross the world.

After my exposure to myspacecomes the acknowledgement of themany other similar websites available,the site hardly corners the market,although the ease with which it can benavigated makes it stand out from thecrowd.

Between them, sites such as Bebo,Ringo, Facebook and FriendsReunitedhave all accumulated millions of userswho are flooding the internet with listsof utterly pointless shreds of informa-tion (who is really interested in thecolour of my socks?) I can’t helpthinking that the time spent on thewebsite could be put to better use, suchas going out and meeting people.

Aware of this kind of reactionfriendship websites such as: WhereAre You Now? (WAYN.com) havedevised travel information. When acertain destination is typed in, userscan access travel advice and recom-mendations from other travellers.Belonging to sites like this means thatcatching up with friends across the

globe is as easy as clicking a mousebutton, and doesn’t rely upon a costly-phone call, or the time difference.

Although initially a direct and openprocess of sharing information andmeeting new people, interactivefriendship sites inevitably raise issuesconcerning honesty. By defining our-selves with choices of music, videoand photographs, my fellow users andI can present ourselves exactly as wewant people to see us. Instead of mak-ing the effort to get to know someonein person, I have immediate access topeople who have the same interests asme and can reject the people I don’twant to speak to. There seems to besomething slightly cowardly abouthiding the possible truth behind a com-puter screen.

After a couple of weeks I start toreceive some unwanted attention fromother users. Although they don’t knowwhere I live I feel invaded and slightlyfoolish for publishing details about mylife for millions of strangers to read.As with everything on the web, youcan never be sure that the people con-tacting me are who they say they are.

With reports of employers using thesite to research prospective employees,I realise that these online communitiesare incredibly exposed; I’m not sure Ilike the fact that the people I meet ineveryday life can covertly accessinformation about me afterwards.

Inevitably, friendship sites arebecoming popular with an increasinglyyounger audience. Sites such asBebo.com have reportedly beenbanned from many school servers dueto the number of students using them.Without supervision, teenagers canpublish any level of information andphotographs of themselves for theirfriends to see but as a result areexposed to others who may have amore sinister intent.

On one message board I read, ananxious father describe how his pre-

teen daughters presented themselvesas sixteen and seventeen in order to‘explore their sexuality’, thereforeattracting the sexual interest of otherusers, ‘we were terrified,’ he said.

Nonetheless, there is somethingaddictive about websites such asmyspace. I connect with people I’venot seen for years who in turn put mein touch with more old friends. Inaddition, the website has received agreat level of publicity from celebritiesthat all have their own pages and canbe contacted. There is somethingstrangely exciting to have a celebrityfeature as one of your friends.

With increased exposure comesnotoriety. MySpace was the site thatfamously launched the ArcticMonkeys into the musical stratosphereand many other, as yet unknown,bands have adopted this gameplan;loading biogs and tracks onto theirpages to be accessed potentially bymillions. I begin to receive regular bul-letins from local bands, detailingupcoming gigs and tour-dates. As oneuser states: ‘It’s great for music andhas the record industry running

scared’. A fact that Verizon Wirelessclearly understand, cooperating withmyspace in order to set up Calling AllBands a talent-spotting exercise forunsigned acts.

Never far behind, major multi-national companies are latching on tothe myspace phenomenon, in July lastyear News Corporation boughtmyspacefor $580 million . In a recentspeech, owner Rupert Murdoch coinedthe term the ‘myspace generation’ todescribe the of millions of 16-34 thatare currently registered with the site.With the reported interest in setting upMySun, linking MySpace with aninteractive Sun website, some cyni-cism must accompany the plans ofMurdoch et al, who seek to buy intoand profit from the boundless informa-tion given freely by all users.

Along with the membership of afriendship site comes the opportunityto ‘acquire communities’, clearlyunderstood by ITV, which purchasedFriendsReunited last year for a report-ed £120 million and in doing so,bought into a community of12,000,000.

Along with finding friends, a regis-tered user can use the site as a datingservice, find old work colleagues, newjobs, or trace their family tree throughthe novelty that is GenesReunited.

After a couple of weeks, I decide todelete my profile on myspace.Although at first there is somethingempowering about being able toexpress myself to millions of otherpeople, I begin to realise that I am justanother face in that sea of millions. Asexamples of technological and busi-ness expertise, sites such as MySpaceand FriendsReunited are admirable,offering, as one user puts it, a: ‘kind ofgroup integration and communicationas the way forward for the internet’.But as a way of creating and maintain-ing communities of friends, theprocess will continue to remain artifi-cial and ultimately unfulfilling. Thereis a long way to go before societyfunctions via the internet alone.MYSPACE.COM: Not yourspace.com

“I’m not really into the friendsonline thing as I think you keep intouch with friends by othermeans.”Lames Lawson, fourth year lawand French

“Some sites are really good,especially the ones that help youkeep in touch with people that youmeet travelling. I use them tokeep in contact with people backhome and friends that havemoved away.”Jodie Watts, second year sociology

“I use FriendsReunited but onlybecause everyone from my schoolyear joined up to keep in touch. Idon’t think other sites are a wasteof time, but you keep in touch withyour friends irrespective ofwhether you’re online or not.”Ben Roberts, MA mathmatics

“Although a lot of people usethem, I think these sites are awaste of time. I might useFriendsReunited in the futurethough, but it’s not something I’ddo right this second.”Hayley Murray, second year politics

You say..

ARCTIC MONKEYS: Massive success was partially fuelled by myspace.com

After a coupleof weeks I startto receive someunwantedattention fromother users

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!


Going DottyDOT, THE cheap mobile phone networkgurus, have come up trumps again,offering you kids out there the chanceto win goody bags full of fun and games.

The little bundles of joy contain all sortsof useful bits and pieces - from T-shirts toumbrellas to condoms, you’ll find every-thing you need to equip you for universitylife.

Dot are a mobile network with the likesof skint students in mind. The network notonly prides itself on being fantastic valuefor money, it offers an amazing transparentpricing structure designed specifically forpenny-savers.

Dot also doesn’t dish out discrete num-bers of text and picture messages, or min-utes of calling time. Instead, it works to

bundles of ‘units’, meaning youcan choose to have as much freestuff as you like and take it all outof the same pot.

Monthly bundles start at £20and with the service running fromthe Vodafone network, Dot cus-tomers are guaranteed brilliantcoverage. Handsets are also avail-able for as little as nothing, sowhat are you waiting for? To signup to the Dot service, speak to theDot sales team on campus or go

straight to the website,

www.dot-mobile.co.uk.To win one of our six Dot goodybags, just email us with theanswer to the question below:

What can Dot offer you that noother network can?

A) Pauline Fowler B) Bundles of ‘units’C) A packet of crisps

LADIES, WE’VE worked hard all term, sowhy not treat ourselves to a bit of pro-fessional pampering - or maybe a fancynew ‘do’?

Park Lifestyle is a contemporaryhealth, hair and beauty salon boastingan extensive range of luxury treatmentsat competitive prices. What’s more, it’ssituated just down the road - so nowthere really is no excuse for lookingrough.

The guys at the salon offer packagesto suit any budget - student or not - butluckily for us, they’ll give us a further10% discount with a flash of the oldNUS.

Now exams are looming near and stu-dent loans are starting to run out, a tripdown to Park Lifestyle is the ultimatepick-me-up.

Whether you’re up for a speedy spraytan for that special night, a glitzy make-over for the ball, or just a relaxing after-noon, the team of stylists and beautytherapists will take care of your everyneed - and throw in a glass of wine!

Park Lifestyle even have an area forholistic treatments and offer chiropodyand podiatry for those with aches andpains. And if you’re feeling particularlymingin’, they’ll give you the whole works -there’s even the famous ‘lunch-hourface-lift’ on offer at this gaff.

If you’d like a chance to be pamperedand pruned, head down to Park Lifestyle,located on Park Grove, off MuseumPlace. For more information and to book,

call 029 2023 3271 or log on towww.ParkLifestyle.com.

Park Lifestyle have teamed up with gairrhydd to offer one lucky reader thechance to win a full makeover. For yourchance to win, simply email us at theaddress at the top of the page.

MMIINNGGEERRSS WWAANNTTEEDD

Park Lifestyle are also giving a huge25% off all hair treatments and FREEconsultations until the end of March.Just take a copy of this page with youwhen you visit the salon.

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EVER FEEL like fashion takesitself too seriously? Tired of worry-ing about the ‘new black’ and justwanna have some fun? If youfancy perfecting the hairstyles ofJen Aniston or Gavin Henson onyour own mops, why not try PlayBall? A new range of seriously funhair products brought to you byL’Oreal Professionnel.

Play Ball stands out from thecrowd with a mix of fun packaging,gorgeous touchy-feely textures andtotally delicious smells. In additionto Deviation Paste, a deconstruct-ing putty perfect for men’s hair,L’Oreal Professionnel are launchingMotion Gelee for short and messywet hair, and Beach Paste - the ulti-mate product to give you sexysurfer-style locks.

Whether you’ve got long hair,short hair, thick hair or thin hair,

the range promises to provide asolution for you.

To celebrate the launch of PlayBall, L’Oreal Professionnel are hit-ting Cardiff University on ThursdayMarch 30 for the Play Ball road-show event.

If you fancy getting your mitts ona tub of Play Ball, you’ll need tohead down to Talybont Social wherethe guys at L’Oreal are not only giv-ing away over 300 Play Ball prod-ucts, they’re offering you thechance to win a free cut and colourcourtesy of a top stylist at theirRegis hair salon.

There’ll also be the chance toget your hair styled for free on thenight by a L’Oreal Professionnelstylist, plus drinks, an open mic(TBC) and a funky DJ.

If you can’t make the event thendon’t fret - the Play Ball team will

also be visiting the following ven-ues, where they’ll be offering moreprize give-aways:

Talybont Social, March 27, 8pmUni Hall, March 28, 8pmThe Woodville, March 29, 7.30pm

You can also enter to win £200worth of vouchers for USC whenyou log on to www.iplayball.co.ukand receive 25% discount off PlayBall products (see the website fora list of participating salons).

And as if all this isn’t enough,we lovely ladies at competitionshave managed to get our hands on10 tubs of each of the Play Ballproducts. If you’d like to be one ofour 30 lucky winners, simply emailus at the usual address, statingthe name of the product you’d liketo win.

WHAT WITH the releaseof the new Pink

Panther film, we’vegot all nostalgic forour pink cartoon

friend.Although many of you

will be pleased to hear thatBeyonce will be butt-shakingin the new film hitting ourscreens, we’re pining for dearPinkie in the original.

So, how very fitting thatwe’ve gone all retro and laidour hands on a copy of the

original classic,now out onDVD. The Return of

the Pink Pantherfollows the story of

The Pink Panther - the world's largest andmost famous diamond – as it is swipedfrom its resting place at the LugashNational Museum. The recovery of this pre-cious gem is a matter of internationalimportance, and who better to take on thecase than the man who tracked it down thelast time - Inspector Jacques Clouseau,played by the comic Peter Sellers.

Everyone is convinced that the culprit ismaster jewel thief Sir Charles Litton(Christopher Plummer), a ka the Phantom.Everyone, that is, except the Phantom him-self. He’s the only one who knows for surethat he didn't do it and is determined toclear his name.

With the aid of a big fake nose, a falsebeard, an exploding toilet, an out-of-con-trol vacuum cleaner, a pool-man suit andthe ever-loyal Cato, Clouseau manages tocreate mayhem in every European city hevisits.

With brilliant performances all round,Henry Mancini’s classic theme tune, and ofcourse, those celebrated animated openingand closing titles, never has a return beenmore welcome.

For your chance to win a copy of theDVD, email us at the usual address, withthe answer to this question:

Which bootylicious singer is starring inthe remake of the classic film, The PinkPanther?

A) Mariah CareyB) Kylie MinogueC) Beyonce Knowles

AND THE WINNERS ARE... We’ve been so busy dishing out prizes the past few weeks, we’ve neglected to list the lucky winners’ names on our fair page. Knowingwhat a prestiguous place it is to be, we thought we’d better tap them in. Congratulations to ANNA DAVIES, KAT HARMER, MATT TODD and SAPRA KHAN, who allgot the chance to ogle Clive Owen at the Inside Man premiere (well, perhaps not Matt). Well done also to CHRIS BRETT and friends, who had a highly energetic andadventurous weekend at the Outdoor Show in Birmingham. Look out for the remaining winning names, to be published in the first issue of next semester.



The Panther isback

WHILE 18 years pretty much spans theduration of our existence on this planet,it marks the longevity of just one ofAndrew Lloyd Webber’s hit musicals,Starlight Express.

Simply light years ahead of the rest,Starlight Express is a feel-good musicalthat has been performed by dazzling castsin the West End for 18 years.

Widely known as ‘the fastest musicalon earth’, this would be because theentire show is performed on skates. Prettycool, if you ask us. In fact, we wouldn’tmind having a go ourselves..

So you’ll be pleased to know that, as ofnext month, the award-winning show willbe rolling into Wales Millennium Centre,Cardiff Bay, for 18 days only.

If you haven’t yet been to the venue,then now’s the time to do it. If the theatreitself doesn’t inspire you, or the beautifulsurroundings of the bay at night, thensurely the funky, futuristic cast of StarlightExpress will.

To celebrate the hit musical coming toCardiff, gair rhydd have teamed up withWMC to give one lucky reader the chanceto win 2 tickets to see the show onThursday 27 April. For your chance to win,simply email us with your full name andaddress, and the answer to the followingquestion:

Who wrote the musical, StarlightExpress?

Starlight Express will be appearing atWales Millennium Centre between Tuesday11 and Saturday 29 April 2006. To booktickets simply contact the Ticket andInformation Office on 08700 40 2000 orvisit the website at www.wmc.org.uk.

Get yourskates on

Starlight Express is a futuristic taleof the triumph of love and hope inthe face of adversity and a feel-good musical with something foreveryone. Including over 20 ofAndrew Lloyd Webber's greatestsongs and all the thrills and spillsof roller-racing action, StarlightExpress brings audiences a per-formance with speed, spectacleand turbocharged excitement.

About the show

TERMS AND CONDITIONS: The L’Oreal Professionnel roadshow event on ThursdayMarch 30 is open to residents of Talybont and their guests only. No purchase is neces-sary at any of the Play Ball events.

Seriously fun hair


Dear Amber,THE DAY HAD begun as a case ofthe morning after the night before.

My night in Jaks had comprisedof cat's piss beer, pulling a sus-pected pikey tranny, and spendingthe overwhelming majority of thenight hovering above a sick-riddentoilet whilst attempting to shit arice pudding/custard material

through the eye of a needle. Thesmell was worse than my never-before-washed GAP hoody.

The Talybont trolley trip homewas interrupted only by whatappeared to be Mr Potato Headbutt-naked on his car, singingFlower of Scotland. I passed outaround at three o’clock.

Mid morning: my sight is blurredand my door wide open. And yes,like all men, I am sporting a fatchubb. The flat door creaked openand a hunched figure inched past

my doorway. With a Hoover in onehand and a Jay cloth in the othershe glanced, if only for a second,right at me. Her coathanger glass-es tinted, and her sticky lipsopened up. She was my chewbaccu(sic), I was her Luke Skywalker. Mylight sabre was glowing purple andshe was ready for the force to be inher. Next door I could hear myIndian housemate fingering hisbum over Goodness Gracious Me;at 35 you would have thought he’dgrown up! And in the distance I

could hear what can only bedescribed as badger-fucking. Butnot even my gripping books coulddeter me from my feelings for thecrippled cleaner. If only she wouldsuck my cock with her Hoover lipsand perch on my face with herunkempt haven. But it wasn’t tobe… and now… two years on I stillcannot forget Jac-qui domesti. Ifyou’re reading this Jac-qui, knowthat this ship has sailed and I amnow settling down with Toy MicTrevor’s grandson. I pose only one

more question, a question that Iask myself every passing second ofevery day... oh what for you?

Harry Champion

AMBER SAYS:Dear Harry,I have no idea what you're goingon about, and by the way, Hooveris a coined word from the product,therefore should be capitalised, asshould Indian, as it's a propernoun, you cunt. Please only sendme proofed work in the future. X

Dear Amber,RECENTLY, I HAVE been plaguedby a terrible guilt which gnaws itsway through me like Jade Goodyeating liquorice. I feel like I cannever get my life back after theevents that have left me in amorose and anxious state.

It all happened last week, when Iwas in the new Tesco Express onSalisbury Road (yes, I know I'm evil,I DO support local shops etc., nowplease stop going on about it). Therewere very few people there; a few stu-dents, one or two people on lunchbreaks from work (I guessed this asthey were old, wearing smart clothes

and grabbing sandwiches as if theyonly had one minute to live. I shouldbe studying Detective-ing BA).Anyway, I only needed a few bits, so Iwas trying to be quick, when I decid-ed that I would like a magazine to readwhen I got home as my coursework ispiling up and I need a distraction tech-nique. So I looked at Empire, but itwas all about films I don't like, lookedat NME, but it was full of bands who'lldie on their arses in two months' time,and then, in desperation, I looked at Q,but as I suspected, it was full of arti-cles about U2.

Anyway, this was when the inci-dent happened. As I was decidingwhich poor journal to buy, my handslipped and I touched a copy of Nuts.Oh god, Amber, the shame! I am not arapist, nor am I training to be one; I've

never read Nuts or Zoo before in mylife, I promise, and if I want porn Idownload it; I don't look at scantily-clad, airbrushed scallies then go andsexually assault someone - in short, Iwould not read Nuts in reality if itwere pinned to my eyes which werebeing held open by clamps.

I am soiled from my experience; Idon't want to turn into a chav whosays things like 'can I put my yoghurt-pistol into your hairy purse' to mymother. Please help!

Love from Mick, Roath.

AMBER SAYS:Dear Mick,All you need to do to alleviate theguilt is to work for three week-ends in a fish finger factory; that’llput you off your mother.Love fromAmber xxx

Need help? Email Amber: [email protected]

DISPENSERDISPENSER OFOF FILTHFILTH ANDAND//OROR LIFELIFE ADVICEADVICE

Amber DuvalAmber Duval

Dear Amber,I HAVE A SMALL problem whichdoes not threaten to take over mylife but is annoying all the same.

I am addicted to the library; that’sthe long and the short of it. I spenddays there a week, and I somehowcan’t find it in my heart to stop. It’snot that I’m particularly studious orreally like reading; what I like are thebooks themselves. I like to go to thelibrary in the evening or in the earlymorning, when it’s really quiet, then Igo to the top floor and find a deskright at the end of the room, where noone’s around and you can’t really seeme. Then I’ll get a big pile of books,the older the better, and the funbegins.

I like books that are old and smellbad, with pages falling out and yel-lowing paper - fortunately, ourlibraries have loads like that. I likeones with broken spines that feelslightly damp to the touch - oh,mercy, I have a hard-on just writingthis!

I like to sit with my back to every-thing and place smelly books over mygroin, then have a little tamper whileno one’s looking. (Word of advice - ifyou ever take a book out of the librarywith pages stuck together or ‘Tipp-ex’on them, then I’d put it back and lookfor a newer edition, and wash yourhands.)

I know it’s horrid, Amber. I knowother people need to use the resourcestoo. I just can’t help myself.

Any suggestions?Love from I Read, Cathays.

AMBER SAYS:

Dear I,Well, you say you don’t read andwhatever, but what a lovely letteryou’ve sent me! All the spelling iscorrect, an you have used gram-mar efficiently and correctly; why,you’ve even used a semi-colon!And what wonderful descriptions:I can see and smell those booksnow. You just go to prove whathas been long known: readingdoes indeed make you clever. Asfor the wanking, well, I dunno.Good luck to you, I guess. Love from Amber xxx

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners! With a tear in my lady-eye, I have to tell you that this week sees the end of the highly sucessful erotic fiction series of VestedInterests. I know you’ll be upset, but the ending is a cracker. And don’t worry; when you all get back from playing with the Easterbunny, then I’ll give you a dose of some more erotica. I love erotic fiction, not least because it’s all true! Anyway, if you have an inti-mate problem over the hols, remember I’m always here with smart advice. Email: [email protected], but please rememberthat if you use bad grammar then I will come and kill you.Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx

This week: the final finger of the saucy saga that is Vested Interests...

Proper BroProper Brown!wn!

Nuts!Nuts!Semi-Colon!Semi-Colon!

EROTIC FICTION - PART #4Cut out and keep!

WHAT HAS THE Parson been get-ting up to this week? We left Lucybent over the font, last week, withthe filthy Parson dripping his waxeverywhere as she was chris-tened. Now it’s time for the excit-ing dénouement!

Lucy moved from the font andwiped her legs with the back of herhand. “I feel so wonderful now Ihave been fully christened!” shesaid with glee. The Parson stoodup and brushed the tell-tale whiteblobs off his smock. “Yes Lucy,may the Lord be with you!”

“And also with you,” she said,and smiled. “Thanks, Parson.”

“Don’t thank me; thank theLord,” he said, and looked heaven-ward, though he was actually look-ing at the copy of Razzle he’d lefthidden behind the hymn board.

“Is it home-time now?” askedLucy, beginning to open the churchdoor.

“Yes, Lucy. You’ve been so goodtoday, sorting out the robes andeverything.”

“Oh, thanks. I like helping,” shesaid.

“There is one final thing...” TheParson moved towards her andpulled the door shut. “You need tochange your smock; that one’s alldusty.”

“Oh... OK, I’ll just do it here...don’t look, Parson!”

“Of course not,” he said, cover-ing his eyes with his hands butleaving a little gap. He watched as

she removed the smock; she wasnaked underneath apart fromsmall white knickers. Her breastswere like lovely breasts, and asshe turned round the Parson sawher lovely tight bum, and he beganto spontaneously ejaculate, hismember charged. Lucy put on anew, clean smock and said “Readynow!”

“Right-o,” said the Parson. “Hopin the car.” They left the church.

“OK. What do you reckon Mum’smade for tea tonight, Parson?”asked Lucy.

“I don’t know, Lucy. And doremember that you can call me‘dad’ when we’re outside church.”

“Sorry, Dad,” laughed Lucy. “Youare the best dad in the world!”

© Amber Duval 2006LIBRARIES: Fnnarr!

Page 22 March 27 2006Problem [email protected]

VVested Interestsested Interests

Given Hollywood’s complete obses-sion with death, it’s not hard to picka DVD where kicking the bucket is acentral theme. Just look at the BestPicture nominees: Crash (about acar crash) Capote (author whomakes friends with prisoners onDeath Row) Good Night, and GoodLuck (newsreader tops himself)Munich (killing people after a mas-sacre has already happened)Brokeback Mountain (not a lot of lifein that one).Whilst Saw 2 isn’t in any position tochallenge any of the above in critic’scircles, it does revolve heavilyaround the subject of popping one’sclogs. In a variety of highly implau-sible bordering on ridiculous ways. Abit like a cross between Silence ofthe Lambs and The Crystal Maze,the premise of Saw 2 involves agroup of people in their house tear-

ing out their own eyeballs and cut-ting off their fingers in the vain hopethey might escape with their life.Only it’s all a big game created by asadistic Jeremy Beadle type calledThe Jigsaw Killer. All the fun of thefair, the real game is guessing who’sgonna get the grimiest death. MarkWahlberg’s brother Donnie stars.

How to Have a Good Death(BBC2, Thurs, 9pm) is up therewith I Love Being HIV, Don’t Panic,I’m Islamic, and any doc fromCh4’s Bodyshocks series in therenaissance TV is currently goingthrough in masking fairly ho-humprogrammes with big dumb tabloidred-letter titles. The premise ofHow to Have a Good Death isthus: Esther Rantzen the formerpresenter of That’s Life, and who’sgetting on a bit anyway, hangs outfor a period with people on thecusp of death and talks to themextensively about how they’re allgoing to die. Literally, that’s it. Ibelieve there is a point to all thesemorbid shenanigans, in the formof a high-brow assessments as towhether palliative care can be newand improved, without us having tospend weeks on end in hospitaland our final words being “can youput Deal or No Deal back on?” or“This spaghetti tastes like a bigturd”. Which I’m all for. A relativeof mine died recently, and spentseveral weeks of tedium and/oragony in a hospital in Portsmouth,which didn’t look like much fun.Personally, if I found that deathwas on the cards, I wouldn’t wantto spend weeks staring at a hospi-tal ceiling, but then I wouldn’t wantto spent it either a> surrounded bythe sorted nice-boy pleasantriesthat seem to be the orderof the day so far asthese ‘new andimproved’ death-dealing issuesare con-

cerned, or b> surrounded byEsther Rantzen discussing myimpending doom. Urgh. On the subject of death though,it’s come to my attention the vol-ume of morbidity littering the list-ings this week. It’s like a grave-yard: Not only is Alive! on, but TheGhost (BBC1 Friday 11.35pm)Stairlift to Heaven (Ch4 Thursday9pm) which I’m assuming starsThora Hird, and a film on calledNobody Runs Forever (BBC2Thursday 1.20pm), not evenLassie. Woof. Not only these, butthere’s also: The Last Word

(Morefour Monday 10.55pm),Just Shoot Me (Ch4 Monday8am) with Dick Cheney, Without aTrace (Ch4 Friday 11.10pm)Honey We’re Killing the Kids(BBC3 Thursday 9pm),The GhostSquad (Ch4 Wednesday12.10am) and on BBC2 Wales,Five Days... in Aberdare(Thursday 8.45pm), which is actu-ally worse than death.Moving away from the rather grizzlysubject of our ultimate destiny,there are quite a few reasons thisweek to be cheerful, and I’m nottalking about the shit-soundingshort film Reasons to Be Cheerful(Ch4 Thursday 3.20am) which issome nerd film about a man and arobot. The Simpsons (Ch4Thursday 6pm) is an all-time clas-sic, it’s the one which parodiesAlfred Hitchcock’s inonic RearWindow, and features some neatBusby Berkely dance routines in atravelling swimming pool. Brilliant.And it’s not about death beforeyou say anything, because he onlybreaks his leg, and no-one dies.One last show with sinister appealthis week, and that’s QuestionTime (BBC1 Thursday 11.05)which is in Russia this week, andcarries the unlikely boast of havingvery very dull chess player GaryKasparov on the panel. Is thephrase “The BBC can’t think ofany famous Russians” springingto mind? But you can see the poor

guy die a small deathonstage. Mwah ha ha!

This Weeks UK Living among the Living Dead: March 27th-April 2nd

Sadly there isn’t an afternoon playperformance of Arthur Miller’sDeath of a Salesman to keep thetheme running. Instead, Radio 4have a documentary called LifeAfter Rover (Monday 11pm).Sadly not about a grieving pet-owner’s struggle to regain theirhappiness after their dog croakedout his last woof, this is a*cough* BORING epic documen-tary about the community ofLongbridge, where an epidemic ofMiddle Class Redundancy Poxbroke out in 2005 after some carplant or other closed. Since I wasalso made redundant around thesame time, I found it difficult tocare about this. Maybe now’s thetime I pay these literally poorsouls some sympathy.

There’s usually some killing spreegoing on in Walford, and this weekis no exception. Johnny Allen whohas “gangland murder” written allover him, might be getting hismarching orders this week.Presumably it’s contract negotia-tion time for Billy Murray who playsJohnny. I’m guessing his inordi-nately shite character has run it’stime. But then whats his faceAlfie’s cousin Moon is due a visitfrom the grim reaper soon, somaybe it’s him who’s going to take‘a trip to Manchester’. TheMitchells are at the thick of thingsas usual, and many Shallow Gravestyle meanderings and Blair Witchchase scenes are going to be usedto scare the shit out of us.Incidentally, how do they do deathson The Archers? Anyone know?Email [email protected] with thesubject title “I’m boring” thanks.

D o u b l eDecker TheftT V G a r e t hstole approxi-mately seven-teen of thesefrom a surprise hamper in theoffice earlier today. I didn’trealise you could still buythese, unless they’re all sixyears out of date, in whichcase we’ll all be writing TVDesk from hospital beds.

In keeping with this week’s lifeand death but more particularly,death. We’ve got Alive! (five ,Wednesday 9pm), which is abeautiful and moving biopic star-ring Ethan Hawke, about a groupof air crash disaster victims whoend up having to eat each other inorder to achieve the life statusfeatured in the title.

Good news for all your slogan-sticker owning Tony Hawkes play-ing land-extremists. Rather thanlet it vanquish in the early hoursof Saturday morning like Ch4 do,five (friday 7.30pm) has securedthe rights to The X Games. So ifyou want to watch pillocks calledJackson Swank catching somewicked air and roaming around ona plank on wheels, tune in.

“Lesbians”Not actual les-bians, I’ve gotno particularqualms withthem. Butgroups of rancid young tramps‘lezzing’ up for the explicit pur-pose of tantalising boys inclubs. A quartet of said trollopsattempted to impress me withtheir antics in a club last night.Too bad I’m gay, eh “ladies”?

HOT NOT

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RadioFudge Tunnel 37 DVDS TO RENT/BUY

Deathster RantzenBatty Old Dear Swaps That’s Life For a Good Death

March 27 - April 2nd 2006 Page 23Award-Winning [email protected]

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8:00pm The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron9:00pm Creature Clinic9:30pm The Real Hustle10:00pm Dog Borstal 11:00pmEastEnders 11:30pm LittleBritain 12:00am Snuff Box12:30am Two Pints of Lagerand a Packet of Crisps1:00pmDog Borstal 1:55pm Paparazzi2:55am Spendaholics 3:50amHoney We're Killing the KidsTonight in the office has beenparticularly fun my public. Dueto our Domino’s Pizza vouchersrunning out we called upon PizzaHut and it tasted like actualpizza, as opposed to the normalRUBBISH we get. We aren’tallowed to delete the Domino’ssponsorship we have runningdown the side there <---------, butapparently it is okay for me towrite “Pizza Hut is a milliontimes nicer than Domino’s” andI’ll just say “Cunt” here aswellwhile I can. So yeah, fun times.TV Ellen is settling in nicely andTV Janey turned up a little bittipsy, leaving us unsure if herruddy cheeks were due to windor Red Wine. TV John is asalways delighting us with abuse

8:00pm The Sky at Night8:30pm The Sky at Night9:00pm The World 9:30pm TheFlight of the Shah: Days ThatShook the World 10:00pm A forAndromeda 11:30pm Under theSpotlight 12:10am CharlieBrooker's Screen Wipe12:40am TenCommandments1:40pm Fantasy Sixties 2:20amA for Andromeda 3:50am UndertheSpotlight 4:30am CharlieBrooker's Screen Wipe and mixtapes. TV Grace said she wasleaving at 8 but is still herebecause she doesn’t want to doan essay and I’ve been spread-ing a little joy by redistributingmy Double Decker haul. I feel alittle sick. We’re still after a newTV Ed aswell kids, ‘cause TVGrace is fucking off (Hallelujah).Basically, if you’re reading thisit’s inevitable you’ll end up as aTV Ed so stop resisiting it. Everyyear the sole TV Desk fan endsup joining the team. It used tobe me, then it was Ellen soy’know, come aboard. In othertime saving news party at TVGareth’s house tomorrow. Whichby the time you’re reading thiswill have been three days or so

7:00am Fun Song Factory7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo7:50am Fun Song Factory8:00am Sabrina 8:30amTransformers Energon 9:00amYu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am MummiesAlive 10:00am SonicUnderground 10:25amCoronation Street 10:55amEmmerdale11:25am Emmerdale11:55am Sally Jessy Raphael12:40pm Judge Judy 1:30amTheJeremy Kyle Show 2:30pmCoronation Street 3:00pmEmmerdale 3:30pm Emmerdale4:00pm The Ricki Lake Show4:50pm The Montel WilliamsShow 5:40pm The OprahWinfrey Show 6:35pm JudgeJudy 7:50pm Ask a SillyQuestion 8:00pm Married withChildren 8:30pm Spin City9:00pm Coronation StreetSpecial: Corrie Controversies9:30pm Airline USA 10:00pmNew Homes from Hell 11:00pmBill & Ted's ExcellentAdventure 12:50am CoronationStreet 1:20pm CoronationStreet 1:50pm The Ricki LakeShow 2:35am Dare 5:00amTeleshopping y’know you’vemissed out to be honest.

7:00am E4 Music:Uninterrupted 8:00am E4Music: Uninterrupted 9:00amWake Upwith... Spike Lee10:00am Freshly SqueezedTunes 11:00am Whatever... YouWant12:00pm Whatever... YouWant 1:00am Higher or Lower2:00pm Pink's Ultimate MixTape 3:00pm The OC 4:00pmSmallville: Superman the EarlyYears 5:00pm Switched5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pmFriends 6:35pm Friends 7:05pmSmallville: Superman theEarly Years 8:00pm Hollyoaks8:30pm Switched 9:00pmFriends 9:30pm Friends10:00pm Smallville: Supermanthe Early Years 11:00pm NineMonths 1:00pmGorillaz: Live in Manchester2:10am Smallville: Supermanthe Early Years 3:00amQueer as Folk 4:00am The OC4:40am Switched Up! 5:05amSwitched Up! 5:25amSwitched 5:50am Fool Around...with Spencer from Big BrotherThis is low. And it puts the fearof God in me that soon enoughit will come to be my turn. Well,TV John would be before me.

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am TheHoobs 8:00am B4 8:30amFriends 9:00am Just Shoot Me9:25am Will and Grace 9:50amGrudge Match 10:00am WaterStories 10:10am Schools:AdoptMe - I'm a Teenager 11:00amSchools:Bricking It 11:45amSchools:Bricking It 12:35pmSchools:Tricky Business1:00am News at Noon 1:30amPlaned Plant Bach:Ffi-Ffi A'iFfrindiau 1:45am Planed PlantBach:Gel a FFion 2:00pmPlaned Plant Bach:Rala Rwdins2:15pm Water Stories 2:20pmA Place in the Sun: Home orAway 3:25pm Deal or No Deal4:15pm Countdown 5:00pmPlaned Plant (4.005.00):Medabots 5:25pmStamina 5:50pm Ffeil 6:00pmThe New Paul O'GradyShow 7:00pm The Simpsons7:30pm Rownd a Rownd8:00pm Wedi 7 8:30pmNewyddion 9:00pm Pobol yCwm 9:25pm Ffermio 10:00pmCefn Gwlad 10:30pm Sgorio11:35pm Y Clwb Rygbi12:05am Tony Robinson: Meand My Mum 1:05pm Invasion2:05am Dispatches

7:00am Breakfast 10:15amBritain's Streets of Slavery11:00am Homes under theHammer 12:00pm Mind YourOwn Business 12:30pm BargainHunt 1:15am Cash in theAttic 2:00pm BBC News;Weather 2:30pm Regional Newsand Weather 2:40pmNeighbours 3:05pm Doctors3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBCNews; Weather; Regional News4:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop5:05pm What's New ScoobyDoo? If I was TV Grace I woulduse this as the start to a limer-ick. As it happens, I’m not, and Ithank God for this everyday.Although, Grace has been dis-turbingly nice to me today, prais-ing both my Tunnel Visions(wrongly) and my belt. So inreturn I shall say...she alwayssmells really nice. Thumbs Upfor the TV Family. 5:30pmGrange Hill

5:55pm Blue Peter 6:20pm Newsround Extra 6:35pm Neighbours7:00pm BBC News andWeather 7:30pm Wales Today;Weather 8:00pm Open All Hours8:30pm Real Story withFiona Bruce 9:00pm EastEnders 9:30pm Girl Cops They’d berubbish to be honest,wouldn’t they girls?10:00pm Dalziel andPascoe 11:00pm BBC News;Regional News; Weather

11:35pm Comedy Connections12:15am Film 2006 withJonathan Ross 12:45amRunning Scared 2:35am SignZone:Life on Mars 3:35am SignZone:Antiques Roadshow4:25am SignZone:Accidents Can Happen5:10am Joins BBC News 24

8:05am CBBC:FriendsInternational 8:10am The CrampTwins 8:20am The Cramp Twins8:30am SMart 8:55amNewsround 9:00am Blue PeterFlies the World 9:30amCBeebies:Rubbadubbers 9:40amBob the Builder: Project Build It9:50am Little Red Tractor10:00am CBeebies Birthdays:Big Cook Little Cook 10:25amPostman Pat 10:40am LittleRobots 10:50am Tweenies11:15am Something Special11:30am BBC PrimaryGeography 11:40amRazzledazzle 12:00pm Look andRead 12:20pm Look andRead 12:40pm Look and Read1:00am The Daily Politics1:30am Working Lunch 2:00pmMaths Challenge 2:15pm MathsChallenge 2:35pm Meteorites!4:00pm Through the Keyhole4:30pm Escape to the Country

5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm Weakest Link 7:00pm Flog It! 8:00pm The Schools Lottery 9:00pm Elephants ofSamburu9:30pm UniversityChallenge 10:00pm Never Mind theBuzzcocks Anyone else seeSimon Amstell on this lastweek? Anyone else seriouslyconsider going gay just forhis beautiful face? Oh thejokes we would have. In bed.Together.10:30pm Man StrokeWoman 11:00pm The Office

11:30pm Newsnight 12:20amOn Show 12:30am Bye ByeNine-to-Five 1:00pm Gypsy Wars2:00am BBC Learning Zone:Languages and Travel: MakeGerman Your Business 1 and 24:00am Working with theGermans 4:30am Eurografters:Germany 5:00am Deutsch Plus2 6:00am Cityscapes

7:00am GMTV Newshour7:58am GMTV Today 9:35amLK Today 10:25am The JeremyKyle Show 11:30am ThisMorning 1:30am ITV LunchtimeNews and Weather 2:30pmLoose Women 3:30pm TheAdventures of Sherlock Holmes4:30pm Pocoyo 4:40pm Blips4:50pm Grizzly Tales forGruesome Kids 5:00pm AtomicBetty 5:10pm Bernard 5:25pmMy Parents Are Aliens

6:00pm The Paul O'GradyShow 7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITVEvening News;Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm WalesThis Week 9:30pm Coronation Street10:00pm The Commander11:30pm ITV News

12:00am Supernatural 1:00pmChampions League Weekly1:30pm Tonight with TrevorMcDonald 1:55pm Quizmania4:15am Have I Been HereBefore? 4:40am House PriceChallenge 5:10am I Want ThatHouse 6:00am ITV Nightscreen6:30am ITV EarlyMorning News

total-gridlock

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am TheHoobs 8:00am B4 8:30amFriends 9:00am Just Shoot Me9:25am Will and Grace 9:50amWill and Grace 10:20am Frasier10:45am Frasier 11:15am MissMatch 12:10pm Without aTrace 1:00am News at Noon1:30am 3 MinuteWonder: TheBench 1:35am ER 2:25pm TheChildren's Hour 4:30pmCountdown 5:15pm Deal or NoDeal

6:00pm The New PaulO'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 9:00pm Dispatches 10:00pm Tony Robinson:Me and My Mum 11:00pm ER

12:05am Green Wing The series1 box set makes up part of myEaster survival kit that shallshortly be purchased from ama-zon. If you have any suggestionsof good books or dvds i shouldbuy then lemme know [email protected]. Please don’tassume this suggestion ofsquandering money means I’mrich. I’m not, I’m just genrallythrifty. 1:10pm GhostSquad2:10am In Too Deep3:45am Black and White5:20am Wild Things 6:10amCountdown 6:55am AnimatedTales of the World That leavesthem quite a bit of lee-way toshow pretty much any non-spacethemed cartoon. Just overheardTV John irately screaming “Everyfucking time I ‘ve ever watchedSesame Street Big Bird’s beenRoller Skating, he really pissesme off”. My Latest Novel areonstage at 10.20, I want to bethere in plenty of time ‘causethe support are good andbecause...well I’m at that pointof stagnation. We’ve just hadSum 41 on the mix.

7:00am Old Bear Stories7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15amBear in the Big Blue House7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarband Custard Too 8:25am TheAdventures of Bottle TopBill and his Best Friend Corky8:35am Make Way for Noddy8:50am Say It withNoddy 8:55am Fifi and theFlowertots 9:10am Peppa Pig9:15am Bird Bath 9:30amTitch 9:40am MechaNick9:50am Clangers 10:00am TheWright Stuff 11:30am TrishaGoddard 12:30pm five news1:00am Home and Away1:30am BrainTeaser 2:35pmStarTrek: Voyager 3:35pm StarTrek: Voyager 4:30pm Columbo:Swan Song

6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Two and a HalfMen 8:00pm five news 8:15pm TheGadget Show 9:00pm The Best of FifthGear: Supercars 10:00pm The 46 YearPregnancy: ExtraordinaryPeople 11:00pm Prison Break12:00am X-Rated: TheFilms that Shocked BritainPersonally I’d say the fabled‘Taly-shag’ Camera phonevideo...that has sunsequent-ly (after me daring to men-tion it) began to be passedaround the office. SportEd(ward) is now literalllybegging there be a story runon it. 1:05pm The Mafia 2:05amNASCAR NEXTEL Cup: Food

City 500 2:55am USPGA Golf3:45am Boxing Classic 4:30amNBA Action 4:55am MotorsportMundial 5:20am FootballArgentinaChuggachuggachuggachugga,Chuggachuggachuggachugga.

MonkBBC1 2.35pm

Bird Bathfive 9.15am

Pitt And KantropBBC1 4.40pm

Atomic BettyITV1 5.00pm

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Page 24 March 27 - April 2 [email protected]


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8:00pm The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron9:00pm Mindfield 10:00pm Little Britain 10:30pm TwoPints of Lager and a Packet ofCrisps 11:00pm EastEnders11:30pm Ideal 12:00am TouchMe, I'm Karen Taylor 12:30amThe Smoking Room 1:00pmTwisted Tales 1:30pm StickThin in India 2:25am Two Pintsof Lager and a Packet of Crisps2:55am Ideal 3:25am TouchMe, I'm Karen Taylor Yo TVfans, BBC3 is of course thehome of TV’s self obsessed ram-blings so I’ll let you know how Iam. Good actually. Recently Iseem to have turned against allmy principles and developedsomewhat of a social life, andmade some friends and every-thing. Exciting times. Tonight Iam very excited about My LatestNovel playing at Welsh Clubbecause they have released thebest new album I have heard inprobably a year. What’s more isthey are British (read Scottish).So yeh, I have to wrap things uphere swiftly this eve so I cansneak out of the office.3:55amSpendaholics

8:00pm Counter Culture8:30pm Counter Culture9:00pm The World 9:30pmThoroughly Modern Antiques10:00pm Bus 174 11:50pmUnder the Spotlight 12:30amCharlie Brooker's Screen Wipe1:00pm Ten Commandments2:00am Thoroughly ModernAntiques 2:30am CounterCulture 3:00am Counter Culture3:30am Under the Spotlight4:10am Charlie Brooker'sScreen Wipe 4:40amThoroughly Modern AntiquesThe gair rhydd office is quite lit-erally HANGING on TENTER-HOOKS, as the election resultsare announced...slowly. TV Deskwill bring you the stories reallyquite late all things considered,but if this was a live feed my fin-ger would be so on the pulse itwould pretty much BE THEPULSE. So, we’ve just heard theannouncement of the results ofgair rhydd editor and Perri hasemerged victorious. Nevermindthat, in the ensuing melee ofhugs and tears I managed tonab myself another 6 DoubleDeckers, further cementing myposition as ‘alive’ in any

7:00am Fun Song Factory7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Sabrina 8:30amTransformers Energon 9:00amYu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am Mummies Alive 10:00am SonicUnderground 10:25amCoronation Street 10:55amEmmerdale 11:25am SallyJessy Raphael 12:10pm JudgeJudy 1:30am The Jeremy KyleShow 2:30pm Airline 3:00pmCoronation Street 3:30pmEmmerdale 4:00pm The RickiLake Show 4:50pm The MontelWilliams Show 5:40pm TheOprah Winfrey Show 6:35pmJudge Judy 7:50pm Movies Now8:00pm Married with Children8:30pm Spin City 9:00pm Surface 10:00pm There'sSomething about Mary12:15am Harry Hill's TV Burp 12:45am There's Somethingabout Mary 3:05am OrangePlaylist 3:25am Dare 5:00am Teleshopping forthcoming zom-bie attack. Those who we poten-tially entrusted to look after ourstudent media have now gone tothe pub to get horribly drunkwhich has left myself, Elaine and

7:00am E4 Music:Uninterrupted 8:00am E4Music: Uninterrupted 9:00amWake Up with... AnjelicaHuston 10:00am FreshlySqueezed Tunes 11:00amWhatever... You Want 12:00pmWhatever... You Want 1:00amHigher or Lower 2:00pmWigwam's Ultimate Mix Tape3:00pm The OC 4:00pmSmallville: Superman the EarlyYears 5:00pm Switched 5:30pmHollyoaks 6:00pm Friends6:35pm Friends 7:05pm Smallville: Superman the EarlyYears 8:00pm Hollyoaks8:30pm Switched 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends10:00pm The OC 11:00pm WifeSwap 12:00am No Angels1:10pm The OC 2:00am WifeSwap 3:05am The OC 3:50amPoint Pleasant 4:35am Line ofFire 5:15am Switched Up!5:40am Switched Up! 6:00amFool Around... with Catalina Guirado Tom as the only remain-ing people in the office. Oh no,Tom just left and Elaine’s put hercoat on. So that leavesme...alone. TV Desk, alone.Because I care that much.

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am TheHoobs 8:00am B4 8:30amFriends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:25am Will and Grace 9:50am3 Minute Wonder: Time forSchool 10:05am Schools:TheMarket 12:30pm Schools:Rewriting History 12:35pmCampyfan 1:00am News atNoon 1:30am Planed PlantBach:Ffi-Ffi A'i Ffrindiau 1:45amPlaned Plant Bach:Tomos A'iFfrindiau 1:50am Planed PlantBach:Sali Mali 2:00pm PlanedPlant Bach:Pei Pwmpen2:15pm Supporting Acts2:30pm Supernanny US 3:25pmDeal or No Deal 4:15pmCountdown 5:00pm PlanedPlant:Sion Neu Sian 5:15pmPlaned Plant:Ofn O'r Oes a Fu5:30pm Planed Plant:Campyfan5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil6:00pm The New Paul O'GradyShow 7:00pm The Simpsons7:30pm Friends 8:00pm Wedi 78:30pm Newyddion 9:00pmPobol y Cwm 9:25pm Taro 910:00pm David Lloyd George11:00pm Wynebau Newydd:Tom 11:30pm ER 12:30amAdopt-a-Grandad 1:30pm FatPets 2:35am Frasier

7:00am Breakfast 10:15amBritain's Streets of Slavery11:00am Homes under the Hammer 12:00pm Mind YourOwn Business 12:30pm BargainHunt 1:15am Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News;Weather 2:30pm Regional Newsand Weather 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBCNews; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop5:00pm What's New ScoobyDoo? 5:30pm Grange Hill

6:00pm Serious AmazonDiaries 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News andWeather 7:30pm Wales Today;Weather 8:00pm Watchdog 8:30pm EastEnders 9:00pm Holby City I maysoon be in hospital as aresult of over ingestion ofDouble Deckers. As thefarce that is election resultscounting goes on they havea box of said nougatydelight as means of susti-nence. I received a tip off ofthis so headed down andjust grabbed a handful. I’mTV Gareth and I can do whatI want. Plus double deckersare my chocolate bar ofchoice anyway. FATE.10:00pm Dalziel andPascoe

11:00pm BBC News; RegionalNews; Weather 11:35pm Week In, Week Out12:05am Rapists: the Day ofReckoning 12:45am Medium1:25pm The Defenders: Choiceof Evils 3:20am SignZone:Boris Johnson and theDream of Rome 4:20am SignZone:Hairy Bikers' Cookbook

8:05am CBBC:FriendsInternational 8:10am TheCramp Twins 8:20am TheCramp Twins 8:30am SMart8:55am Newsround 9:00amBlue Peter Flies the World9:30am CBeebies:Rubbadubbers 9:40am Bob theBuilder: Project Build It 9:50amLittle Red Tractor 10:00amCBeebies Birthdays:Big CookLittle Cook 10:25am PostmanPat 10:40am Little Robots10:50am Tweenies 11:15amSomething Special 11:30amAround Scotland 11:50amRazzledazzle 12:10pm Horizon1:00am The Daily Politics1:30am Working Lunch Withguest host Mr. James Tennent,Engineer, Rag President, TVDesk fan. 2:00pm Science ClipsInvestigates 2:10pm ScienceClips Investigates 2:20pm ScienceClips Investigates 2:30pm TheGood Life 3:00pm am.pm 4:00pm Through the Keyhole4:30pm Escape to the Country

5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm Weakest Link 7:00pm Flog It! 8:00pm The Apprentice 9:00pm It's Not Easy Being Green 10:00pm Don't Mess withMiss Beckles 11:00pm Thin Ice 11:30pm Newsnight This isthe news...Great DoubleDecker Heist OvershadowsElections, “My Union IsOverrun By The Welsh AndFemales” - News Ridler, WeNeed More Boys, Election OfPerri Spells Hope For GairRhydd Vegetarians.

12:20am On Show 12:30amCongo 1:20pm Joins BBC News24 3:00am BBC Learning Zone:Schools:Key Stage 3 BitesizeRevision English 3 5:00am KeyStage 3 Bitesize RevisionMaths 3

7:00am GMTV Newshour Rightguys, it would appear that alltoday’s listings are an hour outof sync. An hour late sort ofthing. I would change it but Idon’t know how to with minimumeffort and if I did change it itmight be seen as a bit patronis-ing ‘cause I’m sure you braini-acs are capable of working it outfor yourself. Interestingly I thinkit may be due to the fact thatthe clocks went forward lastweekend didn’t they? Didn’tthey? 7:58am GMTV Today9:35am LK Today 10:25am TheJeremy Kyle Show 11:30amThis Morning 1:30am ITVLunchtime News and Weather2:30pm Loose Women 3:30pmThe Adventures of SherlockHolmes 4:30pm Pocoyo 4:40pmBlips 4:50pm Grizzly Tales ForGruesome Kids 5:05pm Prove It5:25pm My Parents Are Aliens

6:00pm The Paul O'GradyShow 7:00pm WalesTonight 7:30pm ITVEvening News; Weather 8:00pmEmmerdale 8:30pmChampions League Live10:45pm Take My Mother-in-Law 11:30pm ITVNews 12:00am ChampionsLeague Highlights 1:05pm Quizmania So next year theQuench/gair rhydd editorialteam is going to be allfemale. All the news eds aregonna be gu-rls and most ofTV Desk will be. At themoment it looks like myself,Ridler and Menon may bethe only boys. And we areboys not men. It is going tobe all pyjama parties and

talking about kittens. So long aswe can still use the word ‘cunt’all will be well. 5:00am Mum'son Strike 5:35am I Want ThatHouse Revisited 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV EarlyMorning News

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am TheHoobs 8:00am B4 8:30amFriends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:25am Will and Grace 9:50amWill and Grace 10:20am Frasier10:50am Frasier 11:15am Miss Match 12:10pmWithout a Trace 1:00am Newsat Noon 1:30am Designers Under Pressure 1:45am ER2:35pm Madame X 4:30pmCountdown 5:15pm Deal or NoDeal

6:00pm The New PaulO'Grady Show It wouldseem this bollocks is onboth ITV and C4 this weekas ITV do the same thing asthey initially did when theylost Trisha. That is try toconvince themselves thatone of their biggest starshasn’t jumped ship by sim-ply replaying old episodes.Could be worse for themthough, they could havecommissioned a secondseries of The RichardHammond Show. Luckily C4where pretty switched ontothis and so strategicallychanged the title ofO’Grady’s show by addingthe word ‘New’. Genius.What are they gonna dowhen it isn’t new anymore?Screwed.7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 9:00pm You Are What YouEat 9:30pm It's Me or the Dog 10:00pm Adopt-a-Grandad

11:00pm No Angels 12:05amGreen Wing 1:15pm 888.com Poker Nations Cup2:45am Kidnap Ronnie Biggs4:45am Foetus Snatcher 5:45am Wild Things theyinevitably make my heart sing.6:30am Countdown

7:00am Old Bear Stories7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15amBear in the Big Blue House 7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarband Custard Too 8:25am TheAdventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky8:35am Make Way for Noddy8:50am Say It With Noddy 8:55am Fifi and theFlowertots 9:10am Peppa Pig9:15am Bird Bath 9:30am Titch 9:40am MechaNick9:50am The Clangers 10:00amThe Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm fivenews 1:00am Home and Away1:30am BrainTeaser 2:30pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:30pm StarTrek: Voyager

4:25pm Stranger in My Bed 6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Two and a HalfMen 8:00pm five news 8:15pm Brian Sewell'sGrand Tour 9:00pm Build a New Life inthe Country 10:00pm CSI: Crime SceneInvestigation 11:00pm CSI: Miami12:00am Prison Break

1:00pm The Best of Fifth Gear: Supercars2:00am NBA Basketball4:30am Football ArgentinaHighlights I’d just like to takethis opportunity to send someabuse in the direction of Karl-Eric Cockhead or whatever hisname is who in his manifestomoaned about there being toomany pages of TV in gair rhydd.Firstly he said there are 7 pages(THERE ARE EIGHT) and any lesswould kind of compromise thesensible page-for-a-day thing wehave going on. Howsabout wejust give you Wednesdays andSundays from now on? Anyway,he lost. You chose well elec-torate. 5:20am Football

The DefendersBBC1 1.25am

Stranger In My Bedfive 4.25pm

Mum’s On StrikeITV2 5am

Science ClipsBBC2 2.00pm

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March 27 - April 2 2006 Page 25Tuesdaygetyourselfelected@thewriting’sonthewall.com


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8:00pm The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron9:00pm You Need a Dog! I hap-pen to be quite partial to catsactually. Dogs have the ability tomake your hand smell even ifyou touch it lightly. Why, oh why,do people choose to live with ananimal that requires you to pickup its faeces with a lttle scoop?9:30pm The Real Hustle10:00pm Trauma Uncut10:30pm Desperate Midwives11:00pm The Apprentice:You're Fired 11:30pm Malice 1:15pm Disabled and Lookingfor Love 2:10am Trauma Uncut 2:40am Desperate Midwives3:10am Spendaholics 4:10am The Trouble with OldPeople Well, they’re old for astart. And they have funny teethand weird marks on their skin.There’s nothing worse than feel-ing the disapproval of an old per-son. I’m sure you know what Imean. It’s the icy mist that sur-rrounds them as you pay foryour penny sweets. Not everyonelies about the number of sweetsin the bag you know.

8:00pm The Life and Times ofEl Nino 9:00pm The World 9:30pm Olympic Architecture:After the Circus Leaves Town10:00pm Backhander: ThePoulson Affair 11:00pm Our Friends in theNorth Ex-TV Willy just told methat this programme featured asex scene complete with “Billand Ben noises”. How very dis-turbing. 12:15am Time Shift:Tyneside12:55am Bollywood Shorts1:30pm Backhander: ThePoulson Affair 2:30am Time Shift:Tyneside3:10am The Life and Times ofEl Nino 4:10am Bollywood ShortsThese are a loose-fitting cullotte-style of short trouser, availablein fine silk with a smooth cash-mere trim. Bollywood Shorts aresold in a wide variety of coloursand usually feature ornate bead-ing and gold quilling. Althoughonce considered rather twee;they have enjoyed a renaissancesince Dame Judy Dench worethem to the premiere of BigMama’s House 2.

7:00am Fun Song Factory7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Sabrina 8:30amTransformers Energon 9:00amYu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am Mummies Alive 10:00am SonicUnderground 10:25amCoronation Street 10:55amEmmerdale 11:25am SallyJessy Raphael 12:10pm JudgeJudy 1:30am The Jeremy KyleShow 2:30pm Airline 3:00pmCoronation Street 3:30pmEmmerdale 4:00pm The RickiLake Show 4:50pm The MontelWilliams Show 5:40pm TheOprah Winfrey Show BREAKINGNEWS: Oprah dosen’t like opera.She does, however, enjoy theodd ballet.6:35pm Judge Judy7:50pm Pop the Question8:00pm Married with Children8:30pm Spin City 9:00pm Nanny 911 9:50pmMovies Now 10:00pm PoorLittle Rich Girls 11:00pm Coronation Street 11:30pmFootballers' Wives 12:35amSupersize Surgery 1:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 1:55pmMarried with Children 2:20amDare 5:00am Teleshopping

7:00am E4 Music:Uninterrupted 8:00am E4Music: Uninterrupted 9:00amWake Up with... Christian Slater10:00am Freshly SqueezedTunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Whatever... YouWant 1:00am Higher or Lower2:00pm Ultimate Mix Tape If this programme doesn’tfeature the mix-tape maestrothat is TV John then I’ll eat myhat and then sick it up all overE4. 3:00pm The OC 4:00pmSmallville: Superman the EarlyYears 5:00pm Switched 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pmFriends 6:30pm Friends 7:05pmSmallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm Hollyoaks8:30pm Switched 9:00pmFriends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm Invasion 11:00pmDerren Brown: Messiah12:00am DesperateHousewives 1:00pm HollyoaksLet Loose 2:05am DerrenBrown: Messiah 3:10am TheOC 3:55am Switched 4:15amSwitched 4:40am The Next JoeMillionaire 5:25am SwitchedUp! 5:45am Fool Around... withCalum Best

7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B48:30am Friends 8:55am JustShoot Me 9:20am Will and Grace 9:50am 3 MinuteWonder: Last Orders 10:05amSchools:Rude Britannia10:35am Schools:Self PortraitUK 10:40am Schools:TheMarket 11:05am Schools:TateModern 11:10am Schools:Bricking It 12:00pm Schools:Tate Modern 12:05pm Schools:Tricky Business 12:30pmSchools:Rewriting History12:35pm Bobinogi 12:45pmBobinogi 1:00am News at Noon1:30am Planed Plant Bach:Ffi-Ffi A'i Ffrindiau 1:50am PlanedPlant Bach:Yoko! Jakamoko!Toto! 2:00pm Planed PlantBach:Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud2:15pm Water Stories 2:20pmTime Team 3:25pm Deal or NoDeal 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm Planed Plant:CodeLyoko 5:25pm Planed Plant:HipNeu Sgip? 5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 6:00pm The NewPaul O'Grady Show 7:00pm TheSimpsons 7:30pm Rownd a Rownd 8:00pm Wedi 7 8:30pmNewyddion 9:00pm Pobol yCwm 9:25pm Cwpwrdd Dillad 10:00pm 04 Wal

7:00am Breakfast 10:15amBritain's Streets of Slavery11:00am Homes under the Hammer 12:00pm Mind YourOwn Business 12:30pm BargainHunt 1:15am Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News;Weather 2:30pm Regional Newsand Weather 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBCNews; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:Chucklevision4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop5:05pm What's New ScoobyDoo? 5:30pm Grange Hill

6:00pm Blue Peter 6:25pm Newsround6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News andWeather 7:30pm Wales Today;Weather 8:00pm Cash in the Attic8:30pm Disaster Masters9:00pm Davina 10:00pm Car Wars11:00pm BBC News;

Regional News; Weather11:35pm The National Lottery:Midweek Draws 11:40pmBelonging 12:10am Would YouBuy a House with a Stranger?1:10pm All the Queen's Men2:55am Sign Zone:Hairy Bikers' Cookbook3:25am Sign Zone:Pets ArePeople 3:55am Sign Zone:Best of Top Gear 4:55amSign Zone:Accidents CanHappen My family are particular-ly prone to accidents. Like thetime my dad hacked into his armwith a chainsaw and hid in thebathroom while he tried to sewtogether his gaping wound incase my mother shouted at himfor being careless with machi-nary. My sister once jumped upand down and split her tongueopen. To top it all off, my leg gotmangled in a gruesome accidentat a top theme park. 5:40amJoins BBC News 24

8:05am CBBC:FriendsInternational 8:10am The CrampTwins 8:20am The Cramp Twins 8:30am SMart 8:55amNewsround 9:00am Blue PeterFlies the World 9:30am CBeebies:Rubbadubbers 9:40amBob the Builder: Project Build It9:50am Little Red Tractor 10:00am CBeebiesBirthdays:Big Cook Little Cook10:25am Postman Pat 10:40am Little Robots 10:50amTweenies 11:15am SomethingSpecial 11:30am ChristopherPlummer: A Man for All Stages12:30pm am.pm 2:00pm Wildlifeon Two 2:30pm Working Lunch3:00pm British Isles: A User'sGuide to Natural History Onceupon a time there were birds withscales and big bitey teeth andeverything. Then, due to someblatent inbreeding, a family ofbirds spawned young with feath-ers instead of scales. Then someplants grew and turned intotrees. Some hairy mammalsbegan to dominate the scene andthe rest is, well, natural history. Ithink.4:00pm Through the Keyhole4:30pm Escape to the Country5:30pm Ready Steady Cook

6:15pm Weakest Link7:00pm Flog It! 7:30pm Match of the DayWales Live 10:00pm The Apprentice11:00pm The Armstrongs

Apparently Neil’s grandchildrentake small steps, not giant leaps.I’m sorry. That was terrible.11:30pm Newsnight 12:20amOn Show 12:30am Desi DNA1:00pm The Apprentice: You'reFired 1:30pm Joins BBC News24 3:00am BBC Learning Zone:Schools:Key Stage 3 BitesizeRevision: Science 3 5:00am Geography: Curriculum BitesYes, that’s right. It bites and ithurts. I prescribe a large dose oftruancy and a pack of 20 L & B.

7:00am GMTV Newshour7:58am GMTV Today 9:35amLK Today 10:25am The JeremyKyle Show 11:30am ThisMorning 1:30am ITV LunchtimeNews and Weather 2:30pmLoose Women 3:30pm TheAdventures of Sherlock Holmes4:30pm Pocoyo 4:40pm Blips4:50pm Grizzly Tales ForGruesome Kids 5:00pm ArtAttack 5:25pm My Parents AreAliens

6:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show There once was a chapnamed O’ Grady,Who was a little bit O’ gay-dee.He had a white dog,I onced kissed a frog,And my dad is the real SlimShady.7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITV Evening News;Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street9:00pm The Bill 10:00pm Taggart

11:30pm ITV News 12:00amDenis Norden's 7th LaughterFile So. Are these locked inITV1’s “Funny Vault” andreleased on strategic dates?1:00pm Sure Fans United1:30pm Quizmania 5:05am TheJeremy Kyle Show There once was a fellow namedKyle,Who hosted a chat show for awhile. His brother did drugs,I like mugs,And in Egypt there’s a rivercalled the Nile. 6:00am ITVNightscreen 6:30am ITV EarlyMorning News On Wednesdays Iwatch the news,It makes me feel all blessed.On Thursdays I watch Britain’sStreets of Booze,It makes me feel like GeorgeBest.

7:15am Making It 7:20amAnimated Tales of the World7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 8:55am JustShoot Me 9:20am Will andGrace 9:50am Will and Grace 10:15am Frasier 10:45amFrasier 11:15am Miss Match12:10pm Without a Trace Thisweek we search for the elusivemojo of TV Grace. She lost it atsome point in the early ninetiesin some disused warehousenear Woking. It was last seenstrolling hand in hand with ahoodlum in a tie-dye shirt.1:00am News at Noon 1:30amSupporting Acts 1:40am ER2:30pm Magnificent Obsession4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal

6:00pm The New PaulO'Grady Show As shit as theold one? 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 9:00pm Selling HousesSpecial 10:00pm Adopt-a-Granny Ihad a granny once. She wasa right slag.

11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:05am GreenWing 1:10pm Ghost Squad2:10am Coming Up: Naked2:35am Studs of Suburbia Myesteemed collegue TV Garethapparently used to visit thehouses of the lonely spinsters ofBath to “fix their digiboxes”. Ithas been said that he charged£4.99 for the, erm, privilege. Imight have to stop saying ridicu-lous things about TV Garethsoon because he gets upset andcries. I’m not a bully or owt. Justdon’t mention his hair. EverAgain. 3:35am Dispatches4:25am Wild Things 5:10amTrans World Sport 6:05amGrudge Match 6:20amCountdowntoomuchsugar=bleug

7:00am Old Bear Stories7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15amBear in the Big Blue House 7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarband Custard Too 8:25am TheAdventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky8:35am Make Way for Noddy8:50am Say It With Noddy8:55am Fifi and the Flowertots9:10am Peppa Pig 9:15am BirdBath 9:30am Titch 9:40amMechaNick 9:50am TheClangers 10:00am The WrightStuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard Oh Trisha Goddard, She’s properwell hard, I once looked at herfunny, and now I have a bagcoming out of my tummy. Don’tmess with this bint, she aintskint. She’ll mess you up atreat, and slap you around like apiece of meat. Oh why am I sopoetic? Some would say it’spathetic. Why can’t I stoprhyming? Oh, the church bellsare chiming. I’m really quite shit,but I just can’t stop it. Pleaserelease me from this torturousphase, I can’t stop this madden-ing craze. Everyone around meis rhyming, they arent actually -I’m lying.12:30pm five news 1:00amHome and Away 1:30amBrainTeaser 2:40pm Star Trek:Voyager 3:40pm Star Trek:Voyager 54:40pm Into Thin Air:Death on Everest Brian Blessedonce went up Everest. He’s gota cool beard.

6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Two and a HalfMen 8:00pm five news 8:15pm Movie Lounge 9:00pm Alive: Back to theAndes 10:00pm Alive: Back fromRubber Duck.

12:30am X-Rated: Inside NakedNews 1:35pm Poker Wednesday3:05am NHL Ice Hockey

The Trouble With Old People

BBC3 4.10amDesperate HousewivesC4 11pm

Disabled & Looking for LoveBBC 3 1.15pm

Adopt-a-GrannyChannel 4 10.00pm

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8:00pm The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron9:00pm Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 10:00pm Honey We're Killingthe Kids Tips and Suggestions11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm The Real Hustle12:00am Kick Ass Miracles Isthis like a trendy christanityshow. 12:30am Dog Borstal1:25pm Fresh: Don't Panic, I'mIslamic. Panic! at the disco spinoff band. With Sitars.2:25amDesperate Midwives 2:55amSpendaholics 3:50am I Love Being HIVKick ass miracles Jesus couldhave performed: Turning waterinto cider whilst beat boxing andbreak dancing. Emo miraclesJesus could perform: Healinglepers whilst listening to TakingBack Sunday and crying blacktears onto their scaly bodies.Goth miracles Jesus could per-from: Feeding 4000 Cradle ofFilth fans moldy fish whilstcrowd surfing to “Coffin Fodder.”Of course im joking, i dont meanto offend. Cradle of Filth couldnever have 4000 fans. You GothFairy.

8:00pm Sounds of the Sixtiesjust the sound of people inhalingand orgasms 8:10pm TheAvengers 9:00pm The World9:30pm Sun and Moon 10:00pm Time Shift:PayAttention Britain! - Public infor-mation Films 10:40pm Hollywood UK11:30pm QI 12:00am The MarkSteel Lecture 12:30am Olympic Architecture: After the CircusLeaves Town 1:00pm Moscow:The Cold War Olympics 1:30pm Time Shift:PayAttention Britain! - Public infor-mation Films 2:10am Olympic Architecture: After theCircus Leaves Town The clowncommits suicide 2:40am TheMark Steel Lecture 3:10am Backhander: ThePoulson Affair 4:10am PayAttention Britain! - Public information Films Music TV Ellen has been listen-ing to this week: The Distillers, (Iwould have a lesbian affair withbrody) Broken Social Scene, TheMystery Jets, Panic! At the discoand the Dresdon Dolls.This page was sponsered byLesbians, Satan and Cat Valium.

7:00am Fun Song Factory7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Sabrina 8:30amTransformers Energon 9:00amYu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am Mummies Alive 10:00am SonicUnderground 10:25amCoronation Street 10:55amEmmerdale 11:25am SallyJessy Raphael 12:10pm JudgeJudy 1:30am The Jeremy KyleShow 2:30pm Airline 3:00pmCoronation Street 3:30pmEmmerdale 4:00pm The RickiLake Show 4:50pm The MontelWilliams Show 5:40pm TheOprah Winfrey Show 6:35pmJudge Judy 7:50pm Ask a SillyQuestion Is Vince Noir Fit?8:00pm Married with Children8:30pm Spin City 9:00pm My Teen's a Nightmare- I'm Moving Out Cheers mum.10:00pm Real Crime 11:00pm Celebrity Surgery: Who's HadWhat Done? 11:30pmFootballers' Wives Extra Time 12:15am Supernatural 1:15pmThe Ricki Lake Show 2:00amDare 5:00am Teleshopping Ifyou watch this you deserve tobuy useless crap. Loser.

7:00am E4 Music:Uninterrupted 8:00am E4Music: Uninterrupted 9:00amWake Up with Felicity Huffman10:00am Freshly SqueezedTunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Whatever... YouWant 1:00am Higher or Lower2:00pm Ultimate Mix Tape 3:00pm The OC 4:00pmSmallville: Superman the EarlyYears 5:00pm Switched 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pmFriends 6:35pm Friends 7:05pmSmallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm Hollyoaks8:30pm Switched 9:00pmFriends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm ER 11:00pm MyName Is Earl 11:30pm DerrenBrown: Trick of the Mind 12:00am 8 Out of 10 Cats12:35am Criss Angel Mindfreak1:05pm Criss Angel Mindfreak 1:35pm ER 2:30amMy Name Is Earl 3:00amDerren Brown: Trick of the Mind 3:30am 8 Out of 10 Cats4:00am Criss Angel Mindfreak4:20am Criss Angel Mindfreak 4:45am The OC5:25am Switched Up! 5:50amFool Around... with Romeo

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am TheHoobs 8:00am B4 8:30amFriends 8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:20am Will and Grace 9:45amSmall Railway Journeys10:00am Schools:Rude Britannia 10:30am Schools:SelfPortrait UK 10:35amSchools:The Market 11:00am Schools:Tate Modern 11:05amSchools:Bricking It 11:55amSchools:Tate Modern 12:00pm Schools:TrickyBusiness 12:25pmSchools:Rewriting History12:30pm Bitesize Cemeg1:00am News at Noon 1:30amPlaned Plant Bach:Ffi-Ffi A'i Ffrindiau 1:45am Planed PlantBach:Mr Men and Little Miss1:50am Planed Plant Bach:Binca 2:00pm PlanedPlant Bach:Amser Stori 2:05pmPlaned Plant Bach:Clwb Cleber 2:15pm A Place in theSun 2:45pm No Going Back: ANew Life in France 3:15pm Deal or No Deal4:15pm Countdown 5:00pmPlaned Plant:Dennis a Dannedd 5:25pm Planed Plant:Mona yFampir 5:35pm PlanedPlant:Crafwr 5:50pm Planed

7:00am Breakfast 10:15amBritain's Streets of Slavery11:00am Homes under the Hammer 12:00pm Mind YourOwn Business 12:30pm BargainHunt 1:15am Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News;Weather 2:30pm Regional Newsand Weather 2:40pm Neighbours Sky summons Ellesdark side. 3:05pm Doctors3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBCNews; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop5:05pm What's New Scooby

Doo? 5:30pm Grange Hill6:00pm Serious Amazon6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News andWeather 7:30pmWales Today; Weather 8:00pm Run for Glory 8:30pm EastEnders 9:00pm Waterloo Road

10:00pm The Family Man11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather11:35pm Belonging 12:05amQuestion Time 1:05pm ThisWeek i have been trying to proveto TV Gareth that red bull doesnot contain actual bulls blood.2:15am Sign Zone:PanoramaFor deaf Insomniacs 2:55amSign Zone:Accidents CanHappen To deaf insomniacswhen they try and operate com-bine harvesters on four hourssleep. 3:40am Joins BBC And now some information from“The Joy of Satan” website.Satan’s favourite day is monday,and his favourite colour is blue.Beelzebub is an aquarius andhis chosen animal is a peacock,but he has a weak spot foremus. He responds to thenames The Great Dragon, TheEvil One and Niki. I personallycall him The Dark Father, butthen he is my dad.I love Satan in the face.

8:05am CBBC:FriendsInternational 8:10am TheCramp Twins 8:20am TheCramp Twins Constantly havetheir period 8:30am SMart8:55am Newsround 9:00amBlue Peter Flies the World9:30amCBeebies:Rubbadubbers9:40am Bob the Builder:Project Build It 9:50am LittleRed Tractor 10:00am CBeebiesBirthdays:Big Cook Little Cook10:25am Postman Pat10:40am Little Robots10:50am Tweenies 11:15amSomething Special 11:30amWatch 11:45am SomethingSpecial A cross dressing albinomidget 12:00pm Razzledazzle12:20pm BBC Primary History12:30pm Aiming for Excellence1:00am The Daily Politics1:30am Working Lunch 2:00pm Small Town Gardens2:10pm Small Town Gardens2:20pm Nobody Runs ForeverExcept the duracell bunny

4:00pm Through theKeyhole 4:30pm Escape tothe Country 5:30pm ReadySteady Cook 6:15pm Weakest Link7:00pm Flog It! 8:00pm On Show 8:40pm Mountain 9:00pm The Curious House

Guest This week the curioushouse guest discovers the cup-board full of dead babies inclown suits9:30pm Mastermind 10:00pm How to Have a GoodDeath Now unless you commitsuicide I heard a rumour thatyou cant plan these things. I’mbeing cryogenically frozen. Withthe body of the guy from the“Jesus of Surburbia video” FIT11:30pm Newsnight 12:20amOn Show 12:30am The CultureShow 1:30pm Joins BBC News24 3:00am BBC Learning Zone:Schools:GCSE Bitesize 5:00amGCSE Bitesize

7:00am GMTV Newshour7:58am GMTV Today 9:35amLK Today 10:25am The JeremyKyle Show 11:30am ThisMorning 1:30am ITV LunchtimeNews and Weather 2:30pmLoose Women 3:30pm TheAdventures of Sherlock Holmes4:30pm Pocoyo 4:40pm Blips4:50pm Grizzly Tales ForGruesome Kids 4:55pm Sonic X5:25pm My Parents Are Aliens

6:00pm The Paul O'GradyShow 7:00pm Wales Tonight7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Great WelshRoads We all know thebest Welsh road is Ellen

road. Named after me when isaved the townspeople frominbred donkeys. 9:00pm The BillThere was no bill because thisweek I cooked a boy dinner forthe first time (tedious link) andhe didn’t die of food poisoning! 10:00pm Footballers' Wives11:00pm Poor Little Rich GirlsSome rich slag works in theghetto and some commonerrides a pony. But they both wearburburry. 11:30pm ITV News12:00am Poor Little Rich Girls12:30am Waterfront 1:00pmFree Ride 1:30pm Quizmania5:10am Britain's Best BackGardens 5:35am Moving Day6:00am ITV Nightscreen6:30am ITV Early MorningNews Calling all dyslexic people,have you heard they are thinkingof firing a dyslexic postmanbecause he gets confused overnumbers. The Sun effectivelyinsinuated he was solely respon-sible for the 14.6 million lettersthat were lost a year. It is a dis-ability so it should be treatedwith confidentionality and sym-pathy, and he may take longerbut surely he will work harder toget it right. Just my opinion.

7:05am Making It 7:10am TheHoobs 7:35am The Hoobs8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:20amWill and Grace 9:45am Will andGrace 10:15am Frasier 10:40am Frasier 11:10am MissMatch Mars Bars and Deep fry-ing machines. Why?12:05pmWithout a Trace 1:00am Newsat Noon 1:30am 3 Minute Wonder: TheBench 1:45am ER 2:30pmWritten on the Wind 4:30pm

Countdown 5:15pm Deal orNo Deal No deal. IN YOURFACE.6:00pm The New PaulO'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder9:00pm A Place in the Sun

9:30pm No Going Back: A NewLife in France 10:00pm Stairlift to Heaven 11:00pm Basic Instinct1:25pm Green Wing 2:35amMiranda 4:10am One Minute Past Midnight 4:20am Reasonsto be Cheerful “Can I have adrag on your hairy blunt” transla-tion: Could i possibly have a puffon your fine spliff. “Can I snort a line of BololivianMarching Powder?” translations:can I act like an arrogant twat bysnorting some coke til my nosefalls off. “Got any Cat valium?”Translation: Got any horse tran-quiliser? If Black Beauty does it,it must be cool. Yes, I am thetype of person who moshes toThe Coral at fun factory. 4:35am The Jamie KennedyExperiment 5:30am Wild ThingsNot the film with Neve Campbelland Denise Richards being les-bians. So don’t stay up late justin case Tom Bromley implodes.6:20am Countdown

7:00am Old Bear Stories7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15amBear in the Big Blue House Ilove this show, I remember oneweek when bear sniffed thescreen and said “hmmm yousmell like babies”7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarband Custard Too 8:25am TheAdventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky8:35am Make Way for NoddyNo, he wasn’t fucking invited.8:50am Say It With Noddy 8:55am Fifi and theFlowertots 9:10am Peppa Pig9:15am Bird Bath 9:30am Titch 9:40am MechaNick9:50am The Clangers 10:00amThe Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five

news 1:00am Home andAway 1:30am BrainTeaser2:35pm Star Trek: Voyager3:35pm Star Trek: Voyager4:30pm five news update4:40pm Danger IslandJesus alone on the islandhas managed 39 days with-out kinder eggs. Then Satanis parachuted in covered in

nestle chocolate. Unlucky.6:35pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away7:30pm Two and a Half Men 8:00pm five news 8:15pm Rogue Raiders:Alligators 9:00pm How Not to Decorate 10:00pm Super Size She11:00pm House 12:00am The46 Year Pregnancy: Extraordinary People Stef fromneighbours. 1:50pm GolazoFootball Show 2:40am DutchFootball 4:10am Portuguese Football 5:40amFootball ArgentinaSpeaking of Lesbians the gairrhydd team are looking at theTalybont Lesbians film. Andwhen I say lesbians i meandrunk girls with camera phones.And Jocks holding them.

Britain’s Youngest Boozers

ITV2 9pmBear in the Big BlueHouse C5 7:15am

Just Shoot MeC4 8.55am

Death By SexC4 11.20pm

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March 27 - April 2 2006 Page [email protected]


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8:00pm The House of TinyTearaways with Tanya Byron9:00pm Trauma 9:30pm TheReal Hustle 10:00pm The UKBirth Map 11:00pm EastEnders11:30pm Two Pints of Lagerand a Packet of Crisps12:00am Guerilla Gig Live1:00pm Ideal 1:30pm The RealHustle 2:00am Kick AssMiracles 2:30am Two Pints ofLager and a Packet of Crisps3:00am Spendaholics 3:55amThe Ferocious Mr Fix It Well Ihope all you readers remem-bered Mother's Day this yearand made pretty little cards tosend home. My mummy got theJack Johnson CD. Well actuallyat the time of writing she hasn'tactually had it yet as it is theThursday before Mother's Daybut I thought I'd write this so itmakes sense to you, aren't Ikind? That's presuming there'sanyone reading this, although Idid see one person reading thelistings in a lecture the otherday which I found quite touchingand quite scary as I've neverthought about people reading myramblings before. But thenagain,.......................................

the lecture wasn't particularlythrilling , in fact it was dire, somaybe that explains it. So any-way my ma got Jack Johnsonbecause mum likes JackJohnson because he's sweetand cheerful and I find he'sgood to clean the bathroom to.8:00pm What is Art? 9:00pmThe World 9:30pm The CinemaShow A 10:00pm SolomonBurke: Everybody NeedsSomebody 11:00pm A forAndromeda 12:30am TheAvengers 1:20pm The MarkSteel Lecture 1:50pm What isArt? 2:50am Solomon Burke:Everybody Needs Somebody Ifyou check out this guy's officialwebsite you're in for a chuckle,he's a cool dude. There's thiscool opening to the website withhim looking massive and cheesywith some crazy song about himneeding love in his life. The web-site calls him King Solomon, theking of rock 'n roll apparentlyand he has this little messagetelling the world that we need todonate more money and time tocharity and to get involved withour communities and govern-ment. 3:50am A for Andromeda

f7:00am Fun Song Factory7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo7:50am Fun Song Factory8:00am Sabrina 8:30amTransformers Energon 9:00amYu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am MummiesAlive 10:00am SonicUnderground 10:25amCoronation Street 10:55amEmmerdale 11:25am SallyJessy Raphael 12:10pm JudgeJudy 1:30am The Jeremy KyleShow 2:30pm Airline 3:00pmCoronation Street 3:30pmEmmerdale 4:00pm The RickiLake Show 4:50pm The MontelWilliams Show 5:40pm TheOprah Winfrey Show 6:35pmJudge Judy 7:50pm Movies Now8:00pm Married with Children8:30pm Spin City 9:00pmPlanet's Funniest Animals9:30pm American Idol 10:20pmAmerican Idol Results 11:50pmTest Drive My Girlfriend Anyonewho trusts that Paul Danan guyto find them a girlfriend must beinsane.....12:20am CoronationStreet 12:50am Footballers'Wives Extra Time 1:35pmMarried with Children 2:00amITV Play: Quizmania 5:00amTeleshopping

7:00am E4 Music:Uninterrupted 8:00am E4Music: Uninterrupted 9:00amWake Up With... 10:00amFreshly Squeezed Tunes11:00am Whatever... You Want12:00pm Whatever... You Wantyou won't find it in the tv list-ings.1:00am Higher or Lower2:00pm Pink's Ultimate MixTape 3:00pm The OC 4:00pmSmallville: Superman the EarlyYears 5:00pm Switched 5:30pmHollyoaks 6:00pm Friends6:30pm Friends 7:05pmSmallville: Superman the EarlyYears 8:00pm Hollyoaks8:30pm Switched 9:00pmFriends 9:30pm Friends10:00pm Supernanny 11:00pmNine Months 1:00pm TheAlbum Chart Show 1:35pmPorn: A Family Business2:10am Porn: A FamilyBusiness 2:50am Supernanny3:50am Jamie Cullum: In Profile4:35am Porn: A FamilyBusiness 5:05am The OC5:45am Fool Around... with achainsaw and you'll see whathappens. You wonnder whytherre's so many typing errors inmy listimgs?

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am TheHoobs 8:00am B4 8:30amFriends 8:55am Just Shoot Me9:25am Will and Grace 9:50am3 Minute Wonder 9:55am WaterStories 10:00am Schools:RudeBritannia 10:30am Schools:TheMarket 10:55amSchools:National Gallery11:00am Schools:Bricking It11:50am Schools:Tate Modern11:55am Schools:TrickyBusiness 12:20pmSchools:Rewriting History12:25pm Schools:RudeBritannia 12:55pm Schools:SelfPortrait UK 1:00am News atNoon 1:30am Planed PlantBach:Ffi-Ffi A'i Ffrindiau 1:45amPlaned Plant Bach:Pingu1:50am Planed PlantBach:Penblwydd Pwy 2:00pmPlaned Plant Bach:Sam Tan2:15pm Water Stories 2:20pmIt's Me or the Dog 2:55pm YouAre What You Eat 3:25pm Dealor No Deal 4:15pm Countdown5:00pm Planed Plant:Beyblade5:25pm Planed Plant:Paparazzi5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil6:00pm The New Paul O'GradyShow 7:00pm The Simpsons7:30pm Uned 5 8:30pm

7:00am Breakfast 10:15amMissing 11:00am Homes underthe Hammer 12:00pm MindYour Own Business 12:30pmBargain Hunt 1:15am Cash inthe Attic 2:00pm BBC News;Weather 2:30pm Regional Newsand Weather 2:40pmNeighbours what's going on?Where are the Neighbours list-ings? Oh dear God. This I cannotcope with. 3:05pm Doctors3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBCNews; Weather; Regional News4:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop5:00pm Zombie Hotel I foundmyself shouting a the TV theother night whilst watchingResident Evil, this is not goodand nothing to be proud of Iknow. Such a load of piss but Icouldn't help getting involved,why oh why don’t they have tokeep wondering around on theirown when there's zombie thingsabout? Don't let me get near thecomputer game, it could be dan-gerous. 5:30pm Living It

6:00pm Blue Peter 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News andWeather 7:30pm Wales Today;Weather 8:00pm A Question ofSport 8:30pm Airport 9:00pm EastEnders9:30pm My Family10:00pm Hustle 11:00pm BBC News;

Regional News; Weather11:35pm Friday Night withJonathan Ross 12:35am JackieChan's First Strike 1:55pm TheGhost 3:20am Joins BBC News24 every year my school reportcomplained about my lack ofextra-curricular sport activities.Why would I want to put myselfvoluntarily through the torture ofthe hockey and netball teams?..

8:05am CBBC:FriendsInternational 8:10am TheCramp Twins 8:20am TheCramp Twins 8:30am SMart8:55am Newsround 9:00amBlue Peter Flies the World I wasvoted most likely to be a BluePeter presenter when I was atschool l9:30amCBeebies:Rubbadubbers9:40am Bob the Builder:Project Build It 9:50am LittleRed Tractor 10:00am CBeebiesBirthdays:Big Cook Little Cook10:25am Postman Pat10:40am Little Robots10:50am Tweenies 11:15amSomething Special 11:30amBBC Primary History 11:50amBBC Primary Geography12:10pm BBC PrimaryGeography 12:30pmRazzledazzle 12:50pm Focus1:00pm The Daily Politics1:30pm Working Lunch 2:30pmBroken Arrow 4:00pm Throughthe Keyhole 4:30pm Escape tothe Country 5:30pm ReadySteady Cook

6:15pm Weakest Link7:00pm Flog It! 8:00pm Scrum V Live10:00pm Gardeners' World11:00pm My AppallingSchool Report...If you playhockey you get smackedaround the ankles withsticks, play netball and inmy case you just get trod-den on. 11:30pm

Newsnight 12:00am NewsnightReview 12:35am Georgie Fame:The Birth of Cool 1:35pm ThePrice of Fame 2:35am JoinsBBC News 24 3:00am BBCLearning Zone: Open Universityand General Interest:From Hereto Modernity 3:30am Musee duLouvre 4:20am Ever Wondered?4:30am The Ageing Files5:00am The Addiction Files5:30am Moral Panics - TheAgony and the Ecstasy 6:00amSex and the Single Gene?

7:00am GMTV Newshour7:58am GMTV Today 9:35amEntertainment Today I was highlyentertained yesterday by myfriend's astonishing collection ofChildren's TV theme tunes onher laptop. I had forgotten whata masterpiece 'Fireman Sam'was….Sam is the hero nextdoor! 10:25am The Jeremy KyleShow 11:30am This Morning1:30am ITV Lunchtime Newsand Weather 2:30pm LooseWomen 3:30pm The Adventuresof Sherlock Holmes 4:30pmPocoyo does the cutest littledance at the beginning, check itout. 4:40pm Blips 4:50pmGrizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids5:00pm Finders Keepers5:30pm Sabrina, the TeenageWitch

6:00pm The Paul O'GradyShow 7:00pm Wales Tonight is fullof tweety birds outside mywindow, fuckin seagulls aresomewhere nearby too,shoot the fuckers. 7:30pm ITV Evening News;Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street9:00pm Tonight with TrevorMcDonald I am going to dis-cuss the importance of tradi-tional Cotswold cider intoday's society. 9:30pm ATouch of Frost 11:30pm ITV

News 12:00am Hair 12:30amOrange Playlist 1:00pm TheMint did anyone else demand anextra strong mint from their par-ents as a child on long car jour-neys, suck it for about 5 sec-onds, then decide it was toostrong, hence the name 'extrastrong' and say 'I don't like it'and give it back? This was a reg-ular occurrence for me as achild, I never seemed to learn.Bless me. 4:30am F1:Australian Grand Prix QualifyingLive 6:30am ITV Early Morning

7:00am The Cubeez 7:10amThe Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs8:00am B4 8:30am Friends8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:25amWill and Grace 9:50am Will andGrace 10:15am Frasier10:45am Frasier 11:15am MissMatch 12:10pm Without aTrace 1:00am News at Noon1:30am My Place in the Sun2:00pm Supporting Acts2:10pm Imitation of Life4:30pm Countdown 5:15pmDeal or No Deal

6:00pm The New PaulO'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder:Me and My Machine Is itthe rampant rabbit we'retalking about here?9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Will and Grace10:00pm Green Wing11:10pm My Name Is Earl11:40pm Beauty and the

Geek 12:40am 4Music:Gorillaz: Live inManchester 1:50pm 888.comPoker Nations Cup 3:20amOzone 3:40am Stairlift toHeaven 4:40am Adopt-a-Grandad That sounds like a real-ly nice idea as all myGrandparents have passed awayand I'd quite like a Grandad. Oris it one of those cons like the'adopt a monkey' where yousend off your money and wait forthe monkey to arrive but it neverdoes because it stays in its 'nat-ural habitat'? Quite possibly youadopt a Grandad and he sendsyou pictures and letters sayingthank you etc. but really its justone big scam to make some oldfella rich. Now that wouldn’t benice would it?5:40am WildThings Tv desk, we’re wildthings, oh yes we are. so verywild. Hell yeah. Yeehah!6:25am Countdown

7:00am Old Bear Stories7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15amBear in the Big Blue House7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarband Custard Too 8:25am TheAdventures of Bottle Top Billand his Best Friend Corky8:35am Make Way for Noddy Orelse he'll cover you in glue andsweet sticky bee attractingpollen and hang you from a treein the middle of a bee farmplace next to all their hives andthey'll swarm around you likecrazy and then they'll get stuckto you and get stressed andsting you and you'll be severlywounded by all your stings,maybe even dead. 8:50am SayIt With Noddy 8:55am Fifi andthe Flowertots 9:10am PeppaPig 9:15am Bird Bath 9:30amTitch 9:40am MechaNick9:50am The Clangers 10:00amThe Wright Stuff 11:30amTrisha Goddard 12:30pm fivenews 1:00am Home and Away1:30am BrainTeaser 2:35pmStar Trek: Voyager 3:30pm StarTrek: Voyager 4:30pm Strangeron My Land

6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away7:30pm Two and a HalfMen 8:00pm five news 8:30pm The X Games 9:00pm The Dark Side ofHippos 10:00pm The 1970s: ThatWas the Decade That Was 11:00pm Law and Order12:00am Law and Order:Special Victims Unit1:50pm John Barnes'

Football Night 2:45am Boxing:Fight of the Week 3:30am NowIs the Time: Night of Combat -Kick Boxing 4:10am Indy CarRacing 5:00am Poker Night:Partypoker.com European Open6:30am World SupercrossGrand Prix as opposed to supercircle, square, triangle, octagonor dodecahedron.

Adopt A GrandadChannel 4 4.40am

The Dark Side of Hipposfive 9pm

Porn-A family BusinessE4 4.35am

The Aging FilesBBC2 4.30am

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8:00pm The Apprentice 9:05pmStrictly Dance Fever on Three9:50pm The Apprentice: You'reFired 10:20pm Three'sOuttakes 10:30pm The Hunt forRed October 12:40am DogBorstal Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr1:40pm Paparazzi 2:35am TheReal Hustle 3:05am Kick AssMiracles 3:35am Dog Borstal4:30am Three's Outtakes I found myself getting strangely

addicted to some stupid quizzeson t'internet the other day, thoseones that tell you what you'relike and stuff, such a load of bol-locks as surely you're the onlyone who really knows whatyou're like so why I decided tolet a computer tell me I reallydon't know. Anyway it turns outthat the crayon colour I am mostlike is bright yellow (which isnice) I am mostly rocker/mosherand 0% chav (phew) and myweird fetish is biting apparently,which is worrying. I'm not sureabout that one, I don’t think ilike biting, in fact I know I don’t.Why am I worrying bout this?It’s not real tv Jane, it’s not real.You daft crazy bean. Get a grip.Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

8:00pm Blue Peter Review ofthe Year 1973 8:30pm TheRock 'n' Roll Years 9:00pm TheCinema Show 9:30pm ThreeDay Week 10:10pmBackhander: The Poulson Affair11:10pm Get Carter 12:55amStoryville 2:05am Backhander:The Poulson Affair 3:05am TheCinema Show 3:35am Cast andCrew 4:15am Three Day WeekToday my darling mother cameto visit and this has resulted inme being rather tipsy for the list-ings tonight. Mothers ay, whatare they like? It was a fun-packed day though, we went tothe bay had a wonder around,got on the boat and came back,wondered around, had lunch,drunk too much alcohol andthen I decided to go to a recruit-ment day thing which may wellhave not been wise as I was alittle bit merry and I’m not quitequite sure what I said. I know Italked a lot and that the inter-viewer laughed a lot. But wasthat a me or with me? Ah well.If I get the job I’ll piss myselflaughing. It was a good daythough all in all though, good oldma, always getting me pissed.

7:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse8:20am MacDonald's Farm8:40am Bag People 9:10amWoodpecker's Tale 9:25amMags and Mo 9:40am Babar10:00am Time to Dance10:10am Teleshopping10:25am Emmerdale Omnibus1:10am Coronation StreetOmnibus 3:30pm EmmerdaleSecrets: Comedy Moments4:30pm Make Me Rich 5:00pmHoliday Showdown 6:00pm WhoWants to Be a Millionaire? Yesplease me please! If not thenmaybe I could have a lasagne ascompensation? Preferably home-made with garlic bread, sidesalad and a glass of red wine,actually a bottle. And maybe araspberry pavlova for desert.7:00pm Airline USA 7:30pmAirline USA 8:00pm Surface9:00pm Nanny 911 9:50pmMovies Now 10:00pmGoldenEye 12:25am Test DriveMy Girlfriend no thank you idrather not. 12:55am LeavingLas Vegas 3:05am ITV Play:Quizmania 4:30am EmmerdaleOmnibus

7:00am E4 Music:Uninterrupted 8:00am E4Music: Uninterrupted 9:00amE4 Music: Uninterrupted10:00am The All Star Wake UpCall 11:00am The All StarWake Up Call 12:00pmWhatever... You Want 1:00amWhatever... You Want 1:55amGorillaz: Live in Manchester3:00pm The Album Chart ShowI was quite excited when I sawthe advert for this as I thought itwas about time we had a showwith some proper live bands andshit. Wasn't so impressed whenI saw it though, piece of poo.3:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends7:00pm Shipwrecked 2006:Battle of the Islands 8:00pmBeauty and the Geek 9:00pmFriends 9:30pm Friends10:00pm 100 Greatest MovieStars 1:45pm Keane: Live inChicago 2:55am Gorillaz: Livein Manchester 4:00amShipwrecked 2006: Battle ofthe Islands 5:00am Beauty andthe Geek 5:40am Switched Up!6:00am Fool Around... with athree legged dinosaur whilstholding a big piece of steak.

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am TheHoobs 8:00am French Football:Le Championnat 8:30amFreesports on 4 9:00am TheMorning Line 9:50amScrapheap Challenge: TheScrappy Races 10:50amShipwrecked 2006: Battle ofthe Islands 11:50amShipwrecked 2006: Battle ofthe Islands 12:50pm Chantelle:Living the Dream 1:15am TheOC 2:00pm Beauty and theGeek 3:00pm Channel 4 Racingfrom Kempton Park andLingfield Park 5:15pmCountdown 6:00pm Newyddion6:10pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed8:35pm Newyddion aChwaraeon 8:50pm NosonLawen 9:50pm David LloydGeorge 10:50pm Y Clwb Rygbi11:50pm Eraser 1:55pmBremner, Bird and Fortune2:55am 888.com Poker NationsCup 4:25am The Hives: Live inConcert 5:20am KOTV

7:00am Breakfast 10:00amWeekend 24 11:00am SaturdayKitchen 12:30pm To BeAnnounced 1:00am BBC News;Weather 1:10am Football Focus2:00pm Grandstand 5:30pmFinal Score

6:20pm BBC News;Regional News; Weather 6:40pm To Be AnnouncedWell this just isn't goodenough. I do apologise toanyone who might be look-ing in the listings to find outwhat's on tv but it appearsnot to have been announcedyet. By the way, if you arelooking to see what's on tvthen why are you looking inhere because that's a verysilly idea and why aren't youout and about anyway, it'sSaturday night. Saddo. Istay in on Saturdays toosometimes because I'm sadso don't be too offended bythis please. 7:40pm To Be Announced8:40pm The NationalLottery Jet Set 9:15pm Casualty 10:05pm To Be Announced11:05pm BBC News;

Weather 11:25pm Match of theDay 12:45am Film To BeAnnounced I think this wouldmake quite a good title for afilm, this isn't the real title bythe way, the BBC obviously ranout of ideas for this Saturday sothey're busy digging up somemore old Only Fools and Horsesto repeat again and again andagain. 2:30am Friday Night withJonathan Ross 3:35am JoinsBBC News 24 aww this is cute,TV Grace is singing along withTV John’s mix tape...and now TvJohn’s singing too, how cute.Except TV John just let out a yellthat sounded painful but I thinkhe’s OK so that’s good. Blessall the lovely people. I think I’vehad too much wine.

7:00am CBeebies:Clifford theBig Red Dog 7:15am ComeOutside 7:30am The Roly MoShow 7:45am The KoalaBrothers 8:00am CBBC:LooneyTunes 8:05am Arthur 8:30amDennis the Menace what hap-pened to the Funday Times thatcame in the Sunday Times? Thatdoesn't exist anymore does it?That's a shame, I used to loveBeril the Peril, she was great.8:55am Watch My Chops9:15am Trollz 9:35am What'sNew Scooby Doo? 10:00amMighty Truck of Stuff 12:45pmSportsround 1:00pm See Hear1:45pm To Be Announced

5:45pm The Marriage ofFigaro well I have no ideawhat’s going on hereasthere appears to be hugegap between 5pm and 8pmbut hey nevermind thereprobably wouldn’t be fuck allon BBC 2 on a Saturdaynight anyway so take it fromme, dont worry, you’re notmissing much. 8:35pmPlanet Earth 9:35pm To Be Announced

10:35pm To Be Announced12:10am Never Mind theBuzzcocks 12:40am Sweet andLowdown 3:00am BBC LearningZone: Open University:RoughScience 3:30am Leg beforeCricket 3:45am What Have the80s Ever Done for Us? 4:00amA Formidable Foe 4:30am WhyDo Peacocks Have ElaborateTrains? I don't know, why dopeacocks have elaborate trains?Is this a joke? Oh it has some-thing to do with wanting toimpress the ladies doesn't it? Iremember now. 5:00am SexualSelection and Speciation5:30am The Lapedo Child Icould have sworn this said libidochild for a second, which didn'tsound too pretty to me. 6:30amEver Wondered? Yes all thetime, why?

7:00am Boohbah 7:10amPocoyo 7:25am Fun SongFireman Sam...and his engine’squite clean, Sam is the heronext door! Yay! Factory7:35am Jo Jo's Circus 8:00amDora the Explorer 8:25amHouse of Mouse 8:55am Davethe Barbarian as all Daves areobviously completely barbaric, isthis a good association to bemade for children between thename Dave and barbarians? Ithink so. (Sorry Dave) 9:25amSpongeBob SquarePants9:50am Avatar 10:25am Hollyand Stephen's SaturdayShowdown 12:30pm cd:uk1:30pm ITV News; Weather1:35pm ITV Wales News andWeather 1:40pm The BoatRace Documentary featuringlots of boats. Racing. Aroundand around. 2:40pm F1:Australian Grand Prix Qualifying4:25pm Planet's FunniestAnimals at the moment seem tobe on this random websire TVGrace has found called ‘stuffon-cats’ or something which fea-tures crazy pictures of poordefenceless cats adorned instrange clothing and withstrange things piled on them.

4:40pm Ice Age 2: BehindThe Scenes 4:50pm Ice Age 6:20pm ITV Wales Newsand Weather 6:35pm ITV News; SportsResults; Weather 6:50pm You've BeenFramed! 7:20pm To BeAnnounced WHY IS EVERY-THING TO BE ANNOUNCEDTODAY? I don't like it, I find

it strangely disconcerting.11:00pm Parkinson 12:00amITV News 12:15am Film To BeAnnounced 2:15am The Mintmy favourite mint is the Trebormint, that was a classic. Youdon’t see them anymore though.It’s a sad thing. 5:00am F1:Australian Grand Prix Live

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am TheHoobs 8:00am French Football:Le Championnat 8:30amFreesports on 4 9:00am TheMorning Line 9:50am T4:TotallyFrank 10:20am T4:Mourinho'sUltimate +10 Team 10:50amT4:Popworld 11:45amT4:Mourinho's Ultimate +10Team 12:00pm T4:Pink: T4Icon 12:30pm T4:Mourinho'sUltimate +10 Team 12:45pmT4:Beauty and the Geek whathas been going on in Hollyoaksat the moment? I really don’tunderstand the blond teacherbonking her spotty student story.It doesn’t make anysense.1:50am T4:Shipwrecked2006: Battle of the Islands3:00pm Channel 4 Racing

5:00pm Countdown 5:45pmA Place in the Sun: Homeor Away 6:50pm To Be Announced7:50pm Channel 4 News8:10pm Deal or No Deal9:10pm Bremner, Bird andFortune 10:10pm Film To BeAnnounced 12:15am GreenWing 1:20pm 4 Music:The

Album Chart Show 2:00am 4Music:Michael Jackson'sMoments 2:05am FranzFerdinand: Live in Edinburgh3:25am To Be Announced5:15am Adopt-a-Granny yesplease I'd love to. Actually Ithink I'd like to adopt a set ofgrandparents, that'd be nice.6:15am Countdown to the endof the world with CarolVorderman. Well you wouldn’twant any old dumb fuckker tocount down would you? If theworld’s going to blow you mightas well go down in style withCarol counting you out. Can’tthink of anyone better. It wouldbe even better if Richard Whitelywas there too. God bless hissoul. What a cherub. Such acutey.

7:00am Sunrise 7:55am Jay Jaythe Jet Plane 8:25am The Save-Ums! 8:40am The Save-Ums!8:55am Harry and his BucketFull of Dinosaurs 9:05am Harryand his Bucket Full ofDinosaurs 9:20am Franklin9:50am George Shrinks10:25am Don't Blame theKoalas it wasn't their fault, theycan't help being fat and lazy.10:55am The Adventures ofSinbad 11:50am Blue WaterHigh 12:20pm The GadgetShow a stupid geeky pro-gramme about technical shitthat no one will ever use yetalone afford. Complete poppy-cock. 1:10am Film To BeAnnounced 3:40pm Stay Tuned5:20pm Charmed

6:05pm To Be AnnouncedI'm finding it difficult tomake any puns on the tvshows listed here today aseverything appears to bewaiting to be announced. Bythe time the listings are putin maybe they will havechanged the programmes toannounced ones. If not I'mvery sorry it is the fault ofsomeone I don't know, butnot of us so please forgivemy boring rambling herethat I put in just to take upspace. 7:05pm The MagnificentSeven Ride! 9:00pm NCIS 9:55pm fivenews and sport 10:10pm CSI:NY 11:10pm Law and Order:

Criminal Intent 12:10am TheGetaway 2:20am Law andOrder: Criminal Intent 3:10amThe Wright Stuff 4:20am TheWright Stuff 5:30am To BeAnnounced no change therethen. Ok this is my last icklesection and I don’t know what tosay and I’m fed up of ‘to beannounced’s so I’m just gping torun away right now.

Don’t Blame the Koalasfive 10.25am

Fun Song

ITV 1 7.25amThe MintITV1 2.15am

Dave the BarbarianITV 1 8.55am

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March 27 - April 2 2006 Page [email protected]


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8:00pm Anthea Turner: thePerfect Housewife 9:00pm Honey We're Killing theKids 10:00pm Wedding Stories I hada dream that my future husbandproposed to me by hiding a ringin a Kinder Surprise. For somereason we immediately had chil-dren called Regine and Evan.This obviously doesn’t relate tothe fact that two of my favouritebands are The Lemonheads andthe Arcade Fire. At all.11:00pm Two Pints of Lagerand a Packet of Crisps11:30pm Ideal 12:00am The Real Hustle12:30am Kick Ass Miracles1:00am Wedding Stories1:55am Honey We're Killing theKids 2:55am Two Pints of Lager anda Packet of Crisps 3:25am Ideal 3:55am Anthea Turner: thePerfect Housewife Tina Turner,Ted Turner, Turner and Hooch,Ike Turner, Tanya Turner, PainterTurner, Stomach Turner, Spinning-Top Turner. I don’t know what thepoint of that list was. At leastI’m honest.

8:00pm The Sting 10:05pm The Year in Chat -1973 “Oi! mate, where did youget those platforms from? I sawDavid Cassidy wearing somereally similar on Top of the Popsjust the other day.” “Got them from C & A last tues-day. They’re groovy aren’t they?”“Well, they’re a bit shit really.”11:05pm Life on Mars DavidBowie. Quite a musical legend,but a cruel bastard when itcomes to naming kids. PoorZowie Bowie.12:05am Time Shift: CreatingLife on Mars 12:25am All in a Day - Sheffieldin 1973 “Ay up.Got any stain-less steel knives?” “Nah, I my boy is starting downt’pit next week. We had to sellall the cutlery to buy him someshoes.”1:15am The Fifty Years War2:05am The Trials of HenryKissinger 3:25am TimeShift:Creating Life on Mars 3:45am The Year in Chat -1973 “Oi! mate, did you hearthat new Slade single? It’s fuck-ing fantastic!”4:45am The Cinema Show

7:00am Fun Song Factory7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Bug Alert! 8:25am TheSunday Programme 10:05amTeleshopping 10:25am Movies Now 10:35am Planet'sFunniest Animals 11:05am WhoWants to Be a Millionaire?12:05pm Airline USA 12:35pmAirline USA 1:05pm Best EverMuppet Time for a quick survey:favourite Muppet/Sesame Streetcharacter TV John: The scientistone with the big nose. TV Garethtold me but I forgot and can’t bearsed to ask again.TV Ellen: Beaker TV Jane: Gonzoand Big BirdTV Me: Count Von Count2:05pm Nanny 911 2:55pmEmmerdale Omnibus 5:40pmCoronation Street Omnibus 8:00pm Movies Now8:10pm Married with Children8:40pm American Idol 9:30pm American Idol Results10:00pm Supernatural 11:00pm Test Drive MyGirlfriend 11:30pm CoronationStreet 12:00am Ali GIndahouse 1:45am Movies Now 2:00am ITV Play: Quizmania

7:00am E4 Music:Uninterrupted 2:40pm Pink: T4 Icon 3:10pm Popworld 4:00pm Young, Sexy and...Spoiled 5:00pm Beauty and the Geek6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm The OC 8:00pm Smallville: Supermanthe Early Years 9:00pm ER 10:00pm Invasion 11:00pm DesperateHousewives 12:00am My Name Is EarlRupert Viscount the thirdOyster Lobster. I live in a largemansion with big windows and atarmac driveway. I can’t remem-ber why I started writing this. Ihave the attention spell of agold, erm something. 12:30amSmallville: Superman the EarlyYears 1:30am The OC 2:30am ER 3:30am My Name IsEarl 4:00am Young, Sexy and...Spoiled 5:00am Beauty and the Geek5:30am Switched Up! 6:00am Fool Around... with MyGran.

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Trans World Sport8:55am Freesports on 4 9:25am Hollyoaks 12:00pm One Tree Hill 1:00pm Maniffesto 1:30pm Yr Wythnos 2:00pm Rownd a Rownd2:25pm Rownd a Rownd2:55pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed5:00pm Y Clwb Rygbi 7:00pm Newyddion 7:05pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws9:00pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9:30pm Cefn Gwlad 10:00pm Pwll Aur David Davies10:30pm Newyddiion BUGA-BOO: This is an uncertain one.Bugaboo, which means 'some-thing, esp. an imaginary thing,that causes fear or worry; gob-lin; bugbear; bogey', has a fewcomplications. The earliest formof the word, found in the middleof the eighteenth century, isbuggy-bow; the form bugaboo isnot found until later in the eigh-teenth century. The second ele-ment is usually assumed to befrom boo!, the interjection usedto frighten.

7:00am Breakfast 8:45amMatch of the Day 10:00amSunday AM 11:00am TheHeaven and Earth Show12:00pm Bargain Hunt12:30pm Countryfile 1:00pmThe Politics Show 2:00pmKeeping Up Appearances3:45pm EastEnders 5:40pmPoints of View

6:00pm Songs of Praise 6:35pm Holiday 10 Best7:15pm Last of theSummer Wine 7:45pm AntiquesRoadshow 8:35pm BBC News;Regional News; Weather9:00pm Mayo 10:00pm Planet Earth 11:00pm BBC News;Weather

11:15pm Panorama 11:55pmFilm: True Identity By day I mas-querade as a mildly flamboyantstudent with a penchant forbrightly coloured eyeshadow,sparkly items of clothing, teaand cats. At night I am trans-formed into a mildly flamboyantTV Editor with a penchant forbrightly coloured eyeshadow,sparkly items of clothing, teaand cats.1:35pm The Sky at Night. Timefor moore facts: 1) PatrickMoore is Rodger Moore’s son. 2) Alicia Moore adopted thename “Pink” because she had apet pink flamingo named “Pink”. 3) Thurston Moore of SonicYouth fame, can’t go on asunbed again after badly burninghis nipples in the late 1990’s.2:00am Sign Zone:Holby City3:00am Sign Zone:A Passion for Churches Charlotte Churchis named after the Church of St.Charlotte of Yemen in SantaMonica.3:30am Sign Zone:Accidents Can Happen 4:15amJoins BBC News 24 is thesecret codename for “OperationPork Scratchings.”

7:00am CBeebies:Clifford theBig Red Dog 7:15am ComeOutside, it’s raining acid rain. Themoon is out and the stars areshooting. There’s a layer of mistacross the landfill site and thesnow has fallen on the moun-tains of gloom. 7:30am The RolyMo Show 7:45am The KoalaBrothers 8:00am CBBC:Batfink8:10am Arthur 8:30am The Cramp Twins 8:45am BB3B9:10am Feather Boy 11:00amSunday Style 12:30pm To Be Announced 1:30pm SundayGrandstand 5:10pm Animal Park

6:10pm Natural World 7:00pm Coast 8:00pm Top of the Pops 8:35pm Malcolm in theMiddle 9:00pm Ray Mears'sExtreme Survival The follow-ing is a list of items thatshould be included in a basicsurvival kit 1.Waterproofmatches or a disposablelighter. 2.Fire starter 3.Rigidblade knife 4.Folding saw5.Compass 6.Live wildfowl ina sack 7.Signal mirror8.Flashlight 9.Plastic tarp10.50 to 100 feet of nyloncord (1/8 inch is adequate)11.First aid kit 12.Coins forpay phones (here again a35mm film container workswell) 13.Full canteen14.Emergency food rations15.Mascara 16.Ray Mears17.Police whistle 18.Toiletpaper 10:00pm Insurgency

11:30pm Match of the Day 211:45pm On Show 12:15amFilm: Fight Club 2:00am JoinsBBC News 24 3:00am MakeYour Mark: Snakes and LaddersLet me tell you a story about myfellow TV-desker, Mr TV John.John is excessively terrified ofsnakes. On a fear scale of one-to-ten, he puts himself as a“ten”, yet he sleeps in a bed fullof toy snakes. 4:00am At Work

8:00am Dora the Explorer8:25am Recess 8:40am WinxClub 9:05am Power RangersSPD 9:35am SpongeBobSquarePants 9:50am AmericanDragon 10:25am TheChampionship 11:40am American Idol12:30pm Jonathan Dimblebyincluding ITV News andWeather 1:30pm American Idol Results2:00pm ITV Wales News andWeather 2:05pm F1: Australian Grand Prix 3:20pmThe Boat Race 5:20pm AnimalsDo the Funniest Things

6:20pm Local News andWeather 6:30pm Celtic Monsters7:00pm Wales SoccerSunday 7:30pm ITV Wales Newsand Weather 7:40pm ITV News; Weather8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street9:00pm The Royal10:00pm Agatha Christie'sPoirot

12:00am ITV News 12:10am ItShouldn't Happen to a SoapStar 1:10am F1: Australian Grand Prix Highlights2:10am The Mint 4:20am FatChance 4:45am Redcoats“Oh, the red coatsPassions uncagedThundering moments of tender-ness rageOh, the red coatsTempered and strong (fearlesslydrawn)Burning the night like the dawn.”Country music rules. I wishGarth Brookes sang at Butlins.Maybe he does? All I rememberabout this song was that thevideo featured a piano explodingwith red liquid. 5:10am BootSale Treasure Hunt 5:35amBoot Sale Treasure Hunt6:00am ITV Nightscreen6:30am ITV Early Morning

8:00am Dora the Explorer8:25am Recess 8:40am WinxClub 9:05am Power RangersSPD 9:35am SpongeBobSquarePants 9:50am AmericanDragon “Gee whizz Rudy, It’shard to find a quiet cave thesedays. Are you going down theMall later? I hear there aresome swell hot dogs downthere. Watch out for an Englishdude called George. He’s liketotally sucky. Laters.”10:25amThe Championship 11:30amThe Crocodile Hunter Diaries12:30pm Jonathan Dimblebyincluding ITV News andWeather 1:30am Planet'sFunniest Animals 2:00pm ITVWales News and Weather3:20pm The Boat Race 2006My prediction: The boat will pre-vail. 5:20pm Animals Do theFunniest Things

6:20pm Local News andWeather 6:30pm Celtic Monsters7:00pm Wales SoccerSunday7:30pm ITV Wales Newsand Weather 7:45pm ITV News; Weather8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street9:00pm The Royal 10:00pm Agatha Christie'sPoirot

12:00am ITV News 12:15am ItShouldn't Happen to a SoapStar A singing career? 1:15amF1: Australian Grand PrixHighlights 2:15am The Mint...Has many useful properties. Ifyou drink too much methylatedspirit, you can mask the smellfrom your parole officer. If you’vehad some marmite you canmask the taste from your lovedone. They taste good too.4:15am Fat Chance 4:40amRedcoats 5:10am Boot SaleTreasure Hunt 5:35am BootSale Treasure Hunt 6:00am ITVNightscreen 6:30am ITV Early

7:00am Old Bear Stories7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15amBear in the Big Blue House 7:40am Jay Jay the Jet Plane8:10am The Save-Ums! 8:25amThe Save-Ums! 8:45am Harry and his Bucket Full ofDinosaurs Forgive me for think-ing practically, but wouldn’t it bedifficult to find a bucket largeenough to house more than onedinosaur? 9:00am Harry and hisBucket Full of Dinosaurs 9:20am Franklin9:50am George Shrinks whenhe eats saltfish.10:25am Snobs10:55am Michaela's Wild Challenge 11:30amHeroes of History 11:55amBlue Water High 12:30pmRound the Twist 1:00pmRooted 1:30pm Easter in Art2:00pm five news update2:10pm To Be Announced2:40pm Three Godfathers4:45pm Lonely Are the Brave

6:45pm five news andsport 7:05pm The Mighty Ducks9:00pm Everybody HatesChris Patten? Reeve?Plummer? Lee? Kross?Akabusi? Walken?Packham? Aguilera? Evans?Hamilton? 9:30pm Everybody HatesChris 10:00pm Charlie's Angels:Full Throttle 12:10am World's

Wildest Police VideosDoughnuts galore in this cop-fest. 1:05am Movie Lounge1:50am 2006 Winter X Games2:20am NBA Action 2:45am Major LeagueBaseball Live 5:05am NCAABasketball I once got hit in theface by a basketball. And a foot-ball. 6:35am MotorsportMundial Oh yeah, I almost for-got. Happy Easter. I hope youhave a shit holiday and fail allyour exams. Not really.

The StingBBC4 8pm

Bug Alert!five 9.05am

American DragonC4 9.50am

Celtic MonstersC4 6.30pm

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Look down... She’s pretty hot. Even withthe moustache.

...magina Special kids party ends in dis-aster as James escapes fromasylum

Student in naked shocker

HALL OF SHAMEWhy oh why would you do some of the things that we get

sent pictures of? Needless to say that, although theycan’t all be printed, it’s good to see you students look-

ing on the brighter side of life.Keep’em coming in.

Text 07791165 837

Page 31 March 27 2006 Five Minute [email protected]

Students in hi-jinx shock

ACROSS

1 Butter substitute(9)

8 Brief turbulentstorm (6)

9 Disparagingremark (6)

10 Peak (8)13 Stun, stupefy (4)15 Cut, detach (5)17 Foe (5)19 Work for, merit (4)20 Put off, delay (8)23 Female garment

(6)24 Observe steadily

(6)25 Oblong (9)

DOWN

2 Obtain (7)3 Particle of sand

(5)4 Historical object

(5)5 Ingenuous (5)6 Bravery (7)7 Portable power

source (7)11 Distinctive person-

al air (4)12 Lariat (5)14 Chair (4)15 Fizzy powder (7)16 Diverse (7)18 Cur (7)20 Bit (5)21 Walk pompously

(5)22 Heathen (5)

CROSSWORD1 2 3 4 5 6 7

8 9

10 11 12 13

14

15 16 17 18

19 20 21 22

23 24

25

SUDOKU8 6 5

6 8 2 4

4 9

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4 9 6 7

6 5 3

7

1 7 8 9

9 4 3

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Page 32 March 27 2006‘Scopes & [email protected]

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! Earn up to £9.00 per hour! Flexible working hours! And Free Pizza!Call Andrew on 02920 229977for more information.

Car Owner Drivers Required

ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20Once again Meningitis is this sea-sons must have accessory. Stylishon every occasion, you can dressit up or dress is down. Try wearingyours will some polka dots achunky gold bracelet and finish offwith some leg warmers that youfound in a skip. Really ties thelook together. Well done on suc-cessfully distracting that rat longenough to get the left one out ofhis arse (Us neither - Ed.) He mayhave felt some discomfort but I’msure the sherbet dip dab youbribed him with was worth it. Lucky horse colour: Piebald TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21Hi! Im Barry Scott, do you sufferwith genital warts? Just one squirtwith new Clitit Bang and the itchingis gone! In fact you can treat anySTI with our new formula (externaluse only) this old muff…. Good asnew! You love that don’t you Barry,you dirty fucker. Probably how yougot the clap in the first place. Lucky book: The Life of PiGEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22I can see your stars this week arefilled with panic attacks, heartpalpitations and a sore broughthrough a bought of haemorrhoids.Beware the muffins from yourneighbour as they are filled with adeadly draft designed to turn youinto a ninja. You will use your newfound ninja status to fight crime.You will become the love child ofInspector Gadget and the KarateKid. Lucky tinned good: Fray BentosPieCANCER - June 23 - July 23Once upon a time there were fourbunnies. Flopsy, mopsy, cotton tailand goat sniffer. And they were deli-cious. The End.Lucky bird: Magpie LEO - July 24 - Aug 23Ideally we would all like to beinspired by our work, but as youwill end up in a slaughter house,this may be a little difficult. Trynot to take your work home withyou as it will most likely make amess on your sofa. Blood is a bug-ger to get out, even Cillit Bangisn’t up to the job. I recommendcomplaining directly to BarryScott about the poor cleaningpower of this product. It may workon ‘this old penny, good as new’but it falls far from the mark whereentrails are concerned. Lucky pie pastry: PuffVIRGO - Aug 24 - Sept 23When someone goes back on whatthey promised you this week feelfree to twat them in the face with aglazed ham. That’ll teach ‘em. Tryto make your work environmentmore stimulating with as muchporn, brightly coloured streamersand piñatas of your boss as youcan. You will come into money thisweek by fighting a tramp for his bigissue earnings. You will win butonly with the power of the ham. Lucky bacteria from a pie: Ecoli LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23Your mission this week, should youchoose to accept it is to snort andentire bag of sherbet lemonsthrough your nose. You will thenproceed to spend your entire life

savings on your craving for thesugary goodness. Prove yourmother right by becoming the bestaddict you can be. By Friday how-ever you will be forced to sell yourbody on the street for loosechange and dib dabs. Beware thenine fingered man. Lucky Food: PieSCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22I saw your future today and it was-n’t pretty, then I realised I was look-ing at Uncle Ben’s arsehole. I saw atramp wanking in a park andthought it was you. And sadly, itwas. Next time you want toincrease your carnal knowledge ofyourself try and be more discreet.Otherwise it’ll be exactly like thattime in primary school when yourteacher caught you and Sarahbehind the bike sheds. I’ll show youmine if you show me yours. Mindyou, if it works for Uncle Ben…Lucky music based televisual show:The Pieface Showcase. SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.You killed my father. Prepare todie! Or you could prepare someinstant brownie mix or your sur-face. I recommend a good sand-ing. Nothing else will get rid ofthat grease. Nothing, except NEWCILILT BANG with added lime(homeowners only).Lucky food under two inches high:Pie in a can CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20If you were a tree you’d be a saplingand I would be a mighty oak. Oneday if you’re lucky you will havesquirrels in your trunk hiding theirnuts. Only time will tell if you willbecome a giant redwood or getstricken down with Dutch elm dis-ease. My advice to you this week isto avoid any sort of dog and chain-saw Jack as they will both feel theyurge to piss on your leg. Watch outone of them has a chainsaw. Lucky power tool: Nail gun (freewith pie – collect 7 lids.AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19In 1972, a crack commando unitwas sent to prison by a militarycourt for a crime they didn't com-mit. These men promptly escapeda maximum security stockade tothe Los Angeles underground.Today, still wanted by the govern-ment, they survive as soldiers offortune. If you have a problem, ifno one else can help, and if youcan find them, maybe you canhire... the A-Team. (Insert randomshooting noises here) duh duh duhduh duh duh duh…. You get whereI’m going with this. Lucky A-Teammember: Face – he like de piesPISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20This week you will take overfrom Derek Acorah as the resi-dent Geordie psychic. Yes peo-ple will laugh and rip this pissout of you as you struggle toprove your gift for contacting theunknown. But let me assure youthat they will be laughing on theother side of their faces comeSunday when you finally man-age to get in touch with yourAunt Urma using your littleblack book. Pervert. Lucky pie: Fray Bentos Steakand Kidney.

‘A grain of truth in every slice’

Page 33 March 27 2006Jobs & [email protected]

It’s been drummed into us eversince we embarked on ourdegree course: that academic

work alone simply won’t cut themustard anymore.

Instead of employers favouringgraduates with a first class degree anda smattering of work experience on theside, an impressive academic recordnow seems increasingly less importantto employers than a demonstration ofskills gained outside your degree.

In a recent KPMG report, for exam-ple, 56% of employers said that workexperience was the most importantquality a candidate could possess; only9 percent voted for a relevant degree.

This week Jobs and Money talks toKathryn Foot, Cardiff University’scareers service manager, to ask howstudents should best go about gainingthis experience, where to look and howto make the most of the experience.

She begins by highlighting theproblems that graduates are now fac-ing:

“Last year over 300,000 studentsgraduated from universities around thecountry. Yet there were just 20,000graduate jobs available. This is a hugeshort fall. Even a degree from a topuniversity like Cardiff is just not goingto be good enough any more.”

She adds: “There is a lot of pressureon students now to live up the increas-ing expectations of employers. This iswhy time management is key while atuniversity, in order to juggle academicwork with extra activities.

“It is for this reason why gaining

work experience in the first year canbe so useful. It is the one year where,generally, students have the most timeto spare.”

She then explains what kinds ofthings count as work experience,emphasising how students can bestmake use of the skills they alreadyhave from activities they may not con-sider is of any relevance:

“Even having a part-time job isvaluable experience, as long as yousell it in the right way on your C.V.Don’t just say “I only worked as a

waitress,” but identify the skills thatwere gained from the job such as nego-tiation, communication or team-work-ing skills. It is all relevant.

“Work shadowing is also so usefulto do whilst at university. You may notget paid but just doing a couple of daysgives you the chance to meet impor-tant people and make contacts. Often,it can be just as much about who youknow as what you know. Making agood impression and making yourselfknown gives you a better chance of thepossibility of returning to the company

on a placement or after you graduate.Gaining this work-shadowing

experience shouldn’t be too difficultbut will require a bit of effort. Be sureto research companies you are interest-ed in via the careers service or on theinternet, for example, and send out aspeculative application. This is a C.V.plus a covering letter, explaining whyyou are interested in their company. Infact, with the Go Wales Work TastersScheme, we will do a lot of the leg-work for you.”

She stresses that there is always

support at the careers service to helpstudents with many aspects of gainingwork-experience, plus schemes suchas the Yomping and SIFE scheme forstudents interested in gaining skills inbusiness.

They also give help with practicalissues such as putting together animpressive C.V. to help sell your skills. “When applying for work experienceplacements for specific areas withinlaw, psychology or journalism, forexample, a generic C.V. is no good. Itis important to use the resources avail-able to find out as much about thefirms you are applying to in order totailor your speculative application tosuit them. For these subjects especial-ly, work experience is vital. Without itit just looks as if you have no interestin that field. Employers just won’t beinterested.

“Every subject field also has theirvarious preferences. For example,many subjects within the media sectorprefer you to send a C.V. on one pageonly. It is important to do yourresearch, be persistent and tough-skinned.”

She sums up by saying that even inthe third year it is not too late to gainwork experience.

“Doing four sets of work tasters fortwo days at a time will not take up agreat deal of students’ time but willgive them something to put on theirC.V. Work tasters can really compli-ment an application.

Most importantly, employers arelooking for someone who can showthat they have made the most of theirtime at university, are interesting andgenerally well-rounded people.”

IT IS NOT enough today for stu-dents to simply gain a gooddegree and think this is enoughto impress at interview.

Demonstration of work-experi-ence placements, skills and a realinvolvement at university arebecoming more and more impor-tant to employers.

Jobs and money spoke to JulieHepburn from the universitycareers service to gain some valu-able interview tips.

“Before going into the interviewmake sure that you know aboutyour employer and have a clearidea about why you want the jobwith the particular organisation orcompany and not another. Whatwe are finding are that graduatesare leaving it until the last minute.Students should not rush applica-tions and must make prepara-tions,” she advises.

Yet she also stresses that it isimportant to not plan answers

fully, as this may distract you, andwill not look as natural. She alsomentions that employers may tryto catch interviewees out by com-menting on something studentshave done at university that couldpotentially portray them in a badlight. Interviewers may, for exam-ple, ask why you had to re-takeyour first year. Try and turn thisaround and demonstrate the posi-tive aspects that have emerged,and things you have learned fromany experience.

When asked what students cando to make a good impression,Julie Hepburn comments: “It isnot just about what you say, butthe whole package. The interviewis just the tip of the iceberg. Youhave to show by application and inthe interview that you are well-pre-pared, enthusiastic and are willingto give something to the job.”

The careers service is open allsummer and welcomes studentsand graduates to use theirresources and ask for help. Theycan be found atwww.cf.ac.uk/careers.

By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor

Are you experienced?

HENDRIX: “It pays to be experienced” (not official quote)

Interview skills

Work experience: we all know we should have it, but how and where canwe get it? Jobs & Money speak to Cardiff’s Career guru, Kathryn Foot

By Gill RobertsJobs Reporter

CARDIFF’S STUDENTMEDIA ONLINE -READ IT FIRST

gairrhydd.com

quench.gairrhydd.comQuench Online > Arts > Bastian Springs > Blind Date > Books > Cult Classics > Debate >Digital > Fashion > Features > Film > Food > Gay > Going Out > Interviews > Mr Chuffy >Music > One Trick Pony > Reviews > Travel > Tunnel Vision

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The only gair rhydd listings with

Whether it’s becauseyou’ve laughed yourselfinto a minor spasm, eaten

yourself into a state of morbidobesity, or becuase of thatO’Neills sandwich bar that younever ate at, you’ll be familiar withCardiff University’s latest musicvenue, CF10.

Yes CF10. Seems hard tobelieve that hundreds of sweatyfans could be squeezed into thissmall room, but to be honest theprospect should do nothing otherthan excite you.

What should excite you furtheris that Ok Go (remember they had

that hit Get Over It) will be one ofthe first bands to grace it withtheir infectiously jerky indie.

Things may have been ratherquiet on the Ok Go front recently,but this may be about to change.

After releasing their secondalbum Oh No in August of lastyear, they are ready to once againhit Britain (and more relevantlyCardiff University), and again sendus into fits of excitement andhype about this band who over thelast few years have taken some-what of a backseat in the rise topopularity of indie music inBritain.

Interestingly their video for lat-est track A Million Ways, was

filmed for the oh so rock n’ rollprice of ten dollars. All it took wasa choreographed dance, a backgarden and a video camerabelonging to a friend.

I have to say I’m absolutelybaffled that this hasn’t sold out,with this venue being seeminglyeven smaller than Listings’favourite, the Barfly,and the bandcausing quitea lot of hypeas little astwo yearsa g o .

U n s u r e ?Trust me. Just(Ok) go.

Patrick McGuinness appearsto be a man on a mission.McGuiness’s tour (now on

its second leg) is called Dark Sideand you know what, there mightbe something in that.

Stepping out of the loomingshadow cast by his comedy partnerand best mate Peter Kay,McGuinness finally gets his chanceto shine. Yet this is going to be verydifferent to the current golden boyof British comedy Kay, but more onthat later.

Obviously he is now a wellknown star for his show stealingturns in That Peter Kay Thing,Phoenix Nights and of course Max& Paddy, but these were not his firstcomedy outings.

Before he got his big break star-

ring in the aforementioned shows,McGuinness had been performingstand-up for many years. His won-derful performances on screen andstage have now made him a house-hold name and this current tourwill be his biggest to date.

However for those of you assum-ing that the family-friendly obser-vational styles of Peter Kay wouldhave rubbed off on Paddy, you maybe in for a surprise. This is whereMcGuinness lets his dark side looseon the public.

In the words of McGuinnesshimself, don't expect tales of littleboys sliding across their knees atweddings, it's less about the wed-ding party and more about the wed-ding night. Obviously this mightnot be for everyone but his blokeydemeanour and distinct Boltonstyle of humour will undoubtedlygive him huge appeal and there's noreason why he cannot echo the suc-cess of his good friend Kay.

McGuinness's comedy may notbe particularly big and clever but itis confident, assured, and of courseincredibly funny. He is joinedtonight by Rod Woodward, buttonight’s show will be all aboutMcGuinness.

Book yourself a ticket and makesure not to miss this eagerly antici-pated performance. Welcome to theDark Side.

Monday sees the first dateof an 11-day run of WillyRussell’s acclaimed musi-

cal Blood Brothers. The produc-tion has endured a record break-ing Broadway run, spent 18 yearsin the West End and been nomi-nated for seven Tony Awards.

The Liverpool-set story followstwin brothers who are separated atbirth but reunited by a twist of fateand a secret held by their mother.

Originally commissioned for sec-ondary school children in 1981,Blood Brothers was rewritten in1982 by Russell into a musical andthen staged for the first time the fol-lowing year. It was later transferredto Shaftesbury Avenue, Londonwhere, starring Barbara Dickinson,it became a big hit.

With the part of Mrs Johnstone

then played by a variety of othertheatre actresses, and strangely,singers Kiki Dee and Carole King,the musical, by then an internation-al hit, also saw a young RussellCrowe playing the part of Mickey.

It deals with the issues ofinequality and unemployment, setat the time of the Thatcher-era min-ers’ strikes. A destitute single moth-er (Mrs Johnstone) has to give awayone of her baby sons as she cannotafford to keep them both, so one(Eddie) goes to the rich Mrs Lyons,for whom Johnstone works as acleaner, and her other son Mickeystays to grow up in her Liverpoolcouncil house.

Despite the boys’ economic dif-ferences, they form a childhoodfriendship, not knowing they arebrothers, but later life has tragicconsequences, as they are bothtrapped by their respective classrestrictions.

While predominantly tragic, theproduction has many comedicmoments, and is a rare part ofBritish theatre in that it has aninternational appeal despite itsdealing with poverty, superstitionand class in a uniquely British way,making it one of those plays thateveryone must see.

Panic! At The Disco - Weds 19 April @ Great Hall ... Arctic Monkeys - Fri 21 April @ Newport Centre ... OrdinaryBoys - Sun 30 April @ Students’ Union ... Snow Patrol - Weds 3 May @ Students’ Union ... Dylan Moran - Sun 6 May @ St. David’s Hall ... BoyKill Boy / The Automatic / iForward, Russia! - Mon 7 May @ Great Hall ... The Zutons - Mon 21 May @ Great Hall

@ CF10

Mon March 27

7.30pm / £7.50

@ St. David s Hall

Sun. April 2

8pm/£15

@ New Theatre

Tues. March 287.30pm/£Contact

venue.

Harris recommends

Schmit recommends

Brookes recommends

This Week: Ok Go, Blood Brothers, new sabbaticalLLiissttiinnggssPage 34 March 27th 2006Recommended

[email protected]

Pick

of the

Week

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OOkk GGoo

PPaaddddyyMMccGGuuiinnnneessss

Arctic Monkeys

BBlloooodd BBrrootthheerrss

Thursday30/03Bar FTSE @ TafCardiff Students’ new favourite night, with agair rhydd social in attendance? What morecould you want? 7pm.Livewire @ BarflyFiring up every metal cylinder, punk piston, andhardcore harddrive. Good music, no dresscode, and idiot free... FREECheapskates @ MetrosNow on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese.Does exactly what it say on the tin. Double anda mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.Aperture @ MolokoResident DJs / High Contrast / True Meaning /Specific / DJ Focus / DJ Haze / DJ Cujo /Carnage / Fresco / West One. 8pm. FREEbefore 11pm.Clubnight @ La TropicanaHip-hop and R &B student night. 10pm.Cookie Puss @ Buffalo BarThe real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soulmelodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz.9pm. £2/3.Loco @ La TantraOpen until 4am.Raise the Roof @ Journeys Local live music - different genres each week.

Live @ Coal ExchangeIn Flames / Sepultura. In their role as pur-veyors of thrash Swedish death metal, InFlames do not disappoint, having beenaround since 1990. Brazilian thrash metalband Sepuiltra give able support, goingbeyond the usual metal fare with lyrics thatdeal with political and environmental issues,though death, gloom and blackness are ofcourse not forgotten. £15. 7pm.

Sunday02/04Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide theanswers. In my case, the wrong ones.MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath SiteThe same. 8pm.Pub Quiz @ WoodvilleYet another Sunday night quiz to ponderover. 7pm.Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1.Open Mic @ Buffalo BarLive acoustic acts, songwriters, bands andperformers every week. 8pm. £2.

Live @ BarflyController Controller / Dead! Dead! Dead! /Victorian English Gentlemen’s Club. Sogood they named them twice and thrice! Anight of exciting and innovative guitar rock.7.30pm. £5Comedy @ St David’s HallPaddy McGuinness / Rod Woodward. Thestar of Phoenix Nights and Max & Paddy(not Peter Kay I’m afraid) comes to Cardiff.See opposite page for furtherdetails. 8pm.£15.Live @ Clwb Ifor BachI Am The Door / Corona Jones / El Sid /Stiridion. A great selection of bands to easeyou into a new week. 7.30pm. £6The Fourth Chair @ The SocialSome great improvised comedy. 7.30pm.FREE.

Friday 31/03Fat Friday @ Solus, SUIf you go you will drink, and drinking makesyou fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs)10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4.Mad4It! @ BarflyJoin Mike TV for the Greatest Indie &Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3.Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesdaysaps. £2.50 before 10pm.Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skoolclassics, and jump up party breaks. Freeentry before 11pm.Audio Velvet @ Buffalo BarWeekly party action of new music mixed withbeat driven mayhem from the past, presentand future. 8pm. £2/3.Casino Black @ MolokosDJ Jaffa & Paul B / DJ Moneyshot & Saul / DJJawa & Optimas Prime / DJ Parker & Spud.A massive night featuring the best hip-hop anddrum’n’bass that Cardiff has to offer. 8pm. £3.Free entry before 11pm Live @ BarflyThe Organ / Strange Idols / Juliet. A five pieceoutfit from Canada playing exciting Hammondorgan fuelled indie rock. Inner City Pirates @ Clwb Ifor Bach, Formerly the local gods of foul-mouthedblues My Red Cell. Now back as Inner CityPirates this is a chance to catch this cultband of Welsh rock nutters playing in theirown backyard. 8pm. £5

Tuesday28/03Comedy Club @ CF10, SU The weekly comedy night in CF10. See theposters around the Union for this weeks lineup. 8-11pm £4 NUSSoul Motion@ Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazzdance and boogaloo. Boasts a decentdancefloor surface too, which is a must forall that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.7pm-2am. Free. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor BachMany years ago (somewhere in the 80s),Cardiff University Rock Society started asmall rock disco... 9pm. £2.50Live @ Clwb Ifor BachOceansize / Pure Reason RevolutionOceansize write songs about things like loveand having one arm, with an aural range ofmelancholy to a ridiculously loud guitarnoise. Pure Reason Revolution are an ethe-real, epic indie rock band that calls on thespirits of rock gods past. Pink Floyd, LedZeppelin and the Beach Boys are all wor-shipped at their altar. £7.50. 7.30pm.

Comedy @ St David’s HallLaughing Matters presents: PoliticalComedy Night:John Oliver/ Andy Zaltzman.John Oliver is a former writer for Smack ThePony and the 11 O'Clock Show, AndyZaltzman is a rising star with a deadpandelivery and a wit drier than a very dry mar-tini. He was a finalist in the Open Mic Awards2000 in Edinburgh. 8pm. £7.

Irish musical shenanigans, and Peter Kay’s friend

Monday27/03Live @ CF10Ok Go. Dumb but catchy American rockersresponsible for Get Over It pull up their tour-bus in Cardiff. 7.30pm. Contact venue forprice. See facing page for details.Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.Free entry with NUS. £3 otherwise.X Factory @ The TafLegendary Xpress DJs. 9pm-1am FREENew Noise @ MetrosAlternative therapy for the musicallydepressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. Andmore afterwards, presumably.Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin,broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasionalchocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. FreeStereogum @ The UnionRock, metal, punk and electro. The Union intown that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger5 rooms, 5 bars, 2 dancing rooms, privatebooths. Rooms galore and lots of dancing.£3/4 NUS.Monday Live @ Buffalo BarThe latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am.£2/3.Parked @ The Social (Salsbury Rd)New weekly live indie music night. Check itout, could be good. 8pm. £2 before 9pm.

Wednesday29/03Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU You can come here to have the odd drink. Byodd I mean something like snakebites, or turboshandies. Mixing is good.10pm. £3.Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splatteringof guile, style and the best new music: aucous'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3. Traffic @ PhilharmonicCardiff’s DJ and club bing society takes overthe decks, playing house music until 1 in themorning. 9pm.Panic @ Barfly The very latest and greatest Indie hits. A brandspanking new FREE ENTRY clubnight.10.30pm.Eay the DJ @ Buffalo BarResident DJs. FREE.Roots Hall @ MolokoResident DJs / Phoenix Emily / DJ Truth. 8pm.FREE.

Live @ Coal ExchangeThe Levellers / Damien Dempsey. Irishmusical shenanigans. 7.30pm. £16.

with Schmit, Harris & Brookes

Students’ Union, Park Place02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.comMed Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park02920 744948Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club),11 Womanby Street02920 232199 www.clwb.netBarfly, KingswayTickets: 08709070999www.barflyclub.com/cardiffMetros, Bakers Row02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.comDempseys, Castle Street02920 252024Moloko, 7 Mill Lane02920 225592Incognito, Park Place02920 412190Liquid, St. Mary Street02920645464The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street02920 230678Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.comThe Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Streetwww.riverbankjazz.co.ukSt. David’s Hall, The Hayes02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.ukChapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton02920 304400 www.chapter.orgWales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.ukThe New Theatre, Park Place02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.ukThe Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.ukThe Glee Club, Mermaid Quay0870 2415093 www.glee.co.ukCardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street02920 224488The Millennium StadiumCan’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.comThe Point, Cardiff Bay029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

PickOf The DayLive @ Barfly Club Good Shoes/ Rumble Strips. Good Shoesare a London-based rock and pop band,who apparently play very fun, very catchyand great to dance to. They’ve toured withthe Young Knives and are heavily inspiredby the Futureheads and Maxïmo Park.Support Rumble Strips are said to soundlike Dexy’s Midnight Runners, which isalways good. Bring those dungerees. £5.7.30pm.

Pick Of The DayJazz @ Café JazzCardiff Student Jazz Society presents…The Dolan Nash Jazz Project. CardiffStudent Jazz Society continues to bringCardiff’s brightest young jazz talent to theCafé with this excellent quartet whichcounts the Glastonbury Festival’s JazzLounge amongst their recent engage-ments. Expect interpretations of old stan-dards alongside modern classics by thelikes of Kenny Wheeler and Tom Harrell,with a few originals thrown in for goodmeasure, courtesy of Dolan Jones (trum-pet), Rebecca Nash (piano), Will Harris(bass) and Ben Kalbfkopf (drums). 8.30pmstart £3 (£2 Cardiff Student Jazz Society)

Pick Of The DayLive @ Tafod (Riverbank Hotel)Zabrinski. Toured with Super Furry Animalson their UK tour last year, and this gig will betheir first since touring with them and GoldieLookin’ Chain.There will be DJ sets from TomBon Jovi and Guto from SFA. 9pm. £5.

PickOf The DayLive @ BarflyMendeed / Four Ways To Fall / Ill SystemFor all you rockers out there, Mendeed area Glaswegian band playing intense metal-lic hardcore with industrial strength guitarriffage, and have already supportedAnthrax and My Ruin. Catch them whilethey’re still up and coming £5. 7:30pm.

Pick Of The DayMogwai @ Coal ExchangeTumultuous indie rock with the emphasison epic, Mogwai's music has an almostorchestral feel to it, thanks to its hugescale. Rich and luscious in its atmosphereand texture, here's a group that really willtake you on a trip to somewhere very spe-cial. This will be an unmissable show.8pm. £12.50.

Pick Of The DayLive @ BarflyLadyfuzz. Rocking and rolling trio fromLondon, sounding like female-frontedartrock bands such as Sleater Kinney, Lushand Elastica. Rock and Roll! £5. 7.30pm.

Saturday01/04Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. TRAFFIC (DJand clubbing socitey) playing house music inthe other. 10pm. £3.50.Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ BarflyAll the best alternative music from yesteryearlined up with current dance floor fillers to makeyour weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm.£3 NUS.Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay StreetThe only city centre rock night on a Saturday.9pm - 2am.Delinquent @ MetrosAlternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Freewith flyer before 10pm/£4.Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor BachContemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs)£4/3 10pm – 2.30am.Live @ BarflyThe Answer / Zenyth / The Teeth. TheAnswer are a four-piece rock band fromNorthern Ireland. Described as a mix of LedZeppelin, Free, The Who and Black Crowes,The Answer's bluesy, riff heavy hard rock isstarting to turn heads. 7.30pm. £6Cardiff University Choir and Orchestra @St. David’s HallCzech night at the Hall with solo violinistCerys Jones, winner of the 2004 KennethLoveland Gift award. That’s good apparently7.30pm. £5-£15

Pick Of The DayChambers & Nettleton / Gavin Webster /Joe Rooney @ Jongleurs Comedy ClubA mammoth show featuring something foreverybody. Expect weirdness, improvisa-tion aplenty and a Geordie. Great stuff. 7pm. £10

VVEENNUUEESS

March 27 2006 Page 35Day By [email protected]

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST DELOITTE IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 3

IMG Football FixturesWed 29 Mar

Carbs v EconomicsLocomotive v Chem SocCardiff Uni v Arse’Alona

Law A v Pharm AC

History v Gym GymLaw B v Dragons

Zoology v Ab. FantasticAutomotive v Hurricanes

English Soc v Real HavanaJOMEC v Myg Myg

AFC Euros v Dynamo Cen.Psycho Ath. v AFC Momed

Euros Lang v AFC CathaysDental Utd v Inter Me-Nan

Japsoc v ArchitectureReal Madras v Plan’kos

3Carbs

Arse’Alona

Law A

Locomotive

Cardiff Uni

Chem Soc

Economics

Pharm AC

3 0 0 3 9

3 2 1 0 4 7

3 1 1 1 3 4

3 1 1 1 1 4

3 1 1 1 0 4

3 1 0 2 -3 3

3 1 0 2 -5 3

3 0 0 3 -3 0

IMG Football Premiership

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

P W D L Diff Pts

3History

Ab. Fantastic

Gym Gym

Zoology

Law B

Dragons

Automotive

Hurricanes

3 0 0 10 9

3 3 0 0 9 9

3 2 0 1 11 6

3 2 0 1 1 6

3 1 0 2 -3 3

3 1 0 2 -10 3

3 0 0 3 -9 0

3 0 0 3 -9 0

IMG Football Division One

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

P W D L Diff Pts

3AFC Momed

English Soc

Dynamo Cen.

AFC Euros

Psycho Ath.

Real Havana

JOMEC

Myg Myg

3 0 0 8 9

3 2 0 1 3 6

3 2 0 1 1 6

3 1 1 1 2 4

3 1 1 1 -1 4

3 1 0 2 -1 3

3 0 1 2 -2 1

3 0 1 2 -8 1

IMG Football Division Two

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

P W D L Diff Pts

3Euros Lang

Japsoc

Real Madras

Architecture

Plan’kos

AFC Cathays

Dental Utd

Inter Me-Nan

3 0 0 5 9

3 2 0 1 6 6

3 2 0 1 1 6

3 1 2 0 1 5

3 1 0 2 2 3

3 0 2 1 -2 2

3 0 1 2 -5 1

3 0 1 2 -8 1

IMG Football Division Three

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

P W D L Diff Pts

March 27 2006 Page 37Deloitte [email protected]

AHEAD OF THE GAMEFOOTBALL: On Sunday, Carbs v Law A could be the game to watch.Carbs, the current Premiership leaders, will be tested against a Law Aside who must win to stand any chance of retaining their title.Elsewhere, on Wednesday, Automotive and Hurricanes will attempt torecord their first Phase 2 points in Division One.

RUGBY: Engine v Masts should be the game to watch. There is onlyone point between the teams in the table, and it should be a hard-fought affair. A win for either side will put them in a better position tofinish in 3rd place. Furthermore, the winners of this game could addsome pressure on 2nd placed Stoma.

ANY QUERIES, ANY PROBLEMSEMAIL [email protected]

7Carbs A

Stoma

Masts

Engine

Carbs B

Medics

Pharmacy

SAWSA

7 0 0 207 21

9 6 0 3 98 18

7 5 1 1 121 16

7 5 0 2 52 15

7 4 1 2 -59 13

8 3 0 5 -161 9

7 2 1 4 -4 7

9 2 1 6 -19 7

IMG Rugby (23/3/06)

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Gym Gym

Law

7 2 0 5 -79 6

7 0 0 7 -135 0

9

10

P W D L Diff Pts

IMG RUGBY TABLE

IMG Rugby Fixtures

Wed 29 Mar

Carbs A v PharmacyEngine v Masts

Carbs B v Gym Gym

IMG Rugby ResultsFri 17 Mar

Carbs A 15 - 13 Law

Sun 19 Mar

Carbs B 5 - 0 MastsLaw 8 - 21 Medics

Wed 22 Mar

Gym Gym 5 - 33 StomaMasts 22 - 7 PharmacyEngine 29 - 16 SAWSA

IMG Football FixturesSun 26 Mar

(Pontcanna, 11am kick-off)

Carbs v Law A (7) Locomotive v Cardiff Uni (8)

(Pontcanna, 2pm kick-off)

Economics v Pharm AC (7)Chem Soc v Arse’Alona (8)

(Llanrumney, 2pm kick-off)

English Soc v Psycho Ath.JOMEC v AFC Euros

Real Havana v AFC MomedMyg Myg v Dynamo Cen.

(7) denotes Pitch 7, (8) = Pitch 8

URGENT NOTICE:

IMG Football Fixtures havebeen rearrranged yet again.

See below:

Week 3- Prem and Div 2 (Sun 26 March)

Week 4 (Wed 29 March)

Week 3- Div 1 and Div 3(Sun 30 April)

Week 5 (Wed 26 April)

Week 6 (Wed 3 May)

IMG Football ResultsWed 22 Mar

Carbs 2 - 1 Pharm ACLocomotive 0 - 0 Arse’Alona Cardiff Uni 1 - 0 Chem Soc

Law A 5 - 0 Economics

History 4 - 0 HurricanesLaw B 0 - 4 Ab. Fantastic

Zoology 4 - 1 DragonsAutomotive 2 - 6 Gym Gym

English Soc 2 - 3 AFC MomedJOMEC 0 - 1 Dynamo Cen.

AFC Euros 3 - 3 Myg MygPsycho Ath. 2 - 0 Real Havana

Euros Lang 3 - 2 Plan’kosDental Utd 1 - 1 Architecture

Japsoc 5 - 1 Inter Me-NanReal Madras 2 - 0 AFC Cathays

MOMED MOVE AHEAD

ON THE HEAD: English try to clear the ball

IN A PULSATING game thatlived up to all expectations,Momed secured a vital 3-2 vic-tory over title-rivals Englishand opened up a three-pointlead at the top of Division Two.

Momed made a dream start toproceedings by taking the lead inthe first minute. The English,defence were caught napping asJames Woodroof slotted homefrom close range.

However, English respondedwell to this early setback and fash-ioned an equaliser twelve minuteslater. Midfielder Kris La-Bordeneatly controlled a lofted ball,before finding the top corner in acrowded penalty area.

A game of chess in the midfieldsoon developed as both sides

scrapped to gain the upper hand.In the 40th minute, English

centre-back Dean Simmonds sawa header crash against the bar fol-lowing an Adam Chapman free-kick.

A minute later, the Englishdefence switched off again asMomed restored their lead. Theball should have been clearedbefore Chris Allen drilled it homefrom 16 yards.

English rallied after the breakand the introduction of top-scorerVince Bailey gave them a newdimension in attack.

Bailey blazed over in the 50thminute, and Ned Riley shot nar-rowly wide in the 61st minute.

However, English scoredmoments later thanks to the awardof a debatable penalty. Momeddefender Anthony Corradi waspenalised for a handball whenblocking a shot from Chris Smith.

Bailey dispatched the resultingspot-kick with aplomb and set upa tense finish.

In the latter stages, Corradi andAllen went close for Momed withheaders, whilst Bailey missed twochances at the other end.

But it was Momed who struckthe crucial blow with five minutesleft. Top-scorer Asher Pirri sentthe Momed faithful into raptureswith a low shot into the bottomcorner.

English frantically pushed bod-ies forward but a third equaliserproved to be elusive.

However, they almost found abreakthrough when the ever-pres-ent La-Borde saw a crackingpiledriver ruled out deep intostoppage time.

By Dave MenonIMG Editor

menon onthe match

FOOTBALL

NUMBER OF GOALS:59 Goals, 3.6875 goals per gameWHIPPING BOYS:Economics, a 5-0 defeat to Law A.SURPRISE PACKAGE:Locomotive for derailing Arse’Alona’s100% record this season. Well done.EPIC GAMES:English v Momed, AFC Euros v MygMyg and Euros Lang v Plan’kos.CONSISTENT PERFORMERS:Carbs, History, Ab. Fan, Momed, EurosLang for taking 9 points in Phase 2.TEAM OF THE WEEK:A tough one. Dental get the gong forrecording their first IMG point this sea-son. Keep up the good work lads.

CARDIFF BATTLED their way tothe final of the BUSA Shield, fol-lowing a tight encounter atLlanrumney in which neither sidedominated.

Worcester, playing into the wind,had more of the ball as Cardiff failedto get into their stride on a firm sur-face. It remained much the same forthe rest of the first half, with neitherside creating clear cut chances or con-ceding any goals, leaving the score-board untroubled after 45 minutes.

Cardiff’s defence of Herrick,Bowker, Wylde and Clifford remainedresolute throughout the first periodand continued this form throughoutthe rest of this charged encounter.

After 55 minutes the deadlock wasfinally broken as Worcester convertedfrom a classy free kick to the left ofthe Cardiff penalty area, which leftCole Stacey helpless in the Cardiffgoal.

However, Cardiff respondedinstantly through Eifion Roberts’ shortrange effort after good play fromAlberto Gonzalez.

The game then descended into thesort of encounter you would expectfrom a semi-final, with neither sidegiving an inch resulting in a one allstalemate after the full time whistle.

Cardiff regrouped as the gameopened up in extra time in an attemptto play on their home advantage.However, late into the first half of

extra time a Worcester centre-backlost his man at the back post from acorner and headed what looked like acertain winner until the agile ColeStacey pulled off a match-winningsave to tip it onto the bar.

This spurred Cardiff on and then,with only minutes to go and the gameheading to penalties, captain MarkLucas, produced a ball which slicedthrough the Worcester defence puttingEifion “Angles” Roberts through ongoal. He duly passed the ball throughthe keeper’s legs to ensure a place inthe final.

After the crowd had bundled ontothe pitch to celebrate with the players,and the final whistle had gone, FirstTeam Coach Simon Yates commented,“all the boys should be extremelypleased with their performances bothindividually and as a team, and I lookforward to watching them win thefinal.”

Mark Lucas said: “We battledsuperbly throughout and showed thatwe are more than capable of going onto bring home the title. Once again,I’m very proud of my players.”


Cardiff Men’s football.........2Worcester Men’s football... 1

LAST WEEKEND saw the 2006National Student MountainBiking Championships takeplace in Shropshire. 450 riderscompeted for the various acco-lades in student mountain bik-ing.

The nationals test the twomajor disciplines in mountain bik-ing. Cross-country is anendurance event involving climb-ing and descending through thewoods for 10-20 miles. The down-hill involves a timed run down arocky, steep and twisting course.

Friday’s practice gave the 250competitors a chance to famil-iarise themselves with thecourse. The Cardiff riders agreedthat the track suited the teamconsidering their training on themore challenging South Wales ter-rain. After the first set of runs,Cardiff were setting the standardwith three riders in the top 20.Tristan Goodley (17th) and TudorJones (6th) followed the com-manding fastest run time set byPhil Shucksmith.

Nerves frayed as the team wait-ed for the final runs. Goodleyfailed to improve on his first time,crashing close to the finish.

Jones however, took an astonish-ing seven seconds out of his firstrun, displacing riders still on thehill. Shucksmith was the last rideron the hill, unaware that he hadalready won the title with hisimpressive first run. Neverthelessthat didn’t stop him taking a fur-ther two seconds off his openingtime.

With the combined times of thefastest three riders from each uni-versity deciding the fastest teamin the country, Cardiff comfortablybeat off rivals Manchester andSwansea to take the title.

Sunday’s riding consisted ofthe ‘sport’ and the ‘champs’cross-country races. Shucksmithwas again on top form, crushingthe ‘sport’ field around three lapsof the demanding track for anunprecedented win in both disci-plines. In the four-lap ‘champs’race Pete MacSorley, delayed by abroken chain on the first lap, bat-tled back into the top-10 before ahelmet splitting crash left himunconscious and ended his after-noon.

Club president Dave Jonesmade up for the broken wrist hesuffered at last year’s event witha solid top-30 spot. as all theCardiff riders finished despite thegruelling conditions.

CHAMPSBy TrimMountain Biking Reporter

BIKERS: Dirty Helmets

EMMA JONES, Cardiff Women’sfirsts Captain, Chemistry student,and the only international foot-baller ever to play in IMG (as faras I know), will be winning her18th and 19th caps this week forWales as they bid to reach theWorld Cup finals.

Wales have to win their Tier Bgroup to have the chance to a play-offagainst Tier A teams to qualify for theWorld Cup, but Wales haven’t playeda competitive match for 4 years afterbeing withdrawn from qualifying forthe European championship by theWelsh FA who cited the expense oftravelling to Russia and Kazakhstan isthe reason and were subsequently hitwith a £23,000 fine. “We weren’t eventold that we had been withdrawn, Iread about it in the newspaper”, Jonestold me, clearly angry at the lack ofsupport afforded the Welsh Women’steam.

Emma Jones was scathing in hercriticism of the committees in chargeof Welsh football, “They are all oldmen who think women shouldn’t playfootball, our friendly against

Switzerland was our first for two andhalf years we don’t even get a shirt tokeep after the game”.

The Welsh FA have failed again toproperly support the team in theupcoming matches the game onSunday against Moldova is beingplayed in Newtown, hardly a venuefor international football. The game onThursday, against Israel is beingplayed at Ninian Park, which youwould expect to attract a crowd if itweren’t being played at 2pm, “MyMum can’t even come to the game,she has to work” said Jones.

Despite the busy internationalschedule Jones is still captaining theCardiff firsts every week, and after the6-0 win in the Welsh Cup this week,they have 2 semi-finals to look for-ward to in the coming weeks, theBUSA one being on Wednesday.“Being the day before the internation-al I will have to be a bit careful.” Thegame on Thursday will be Jones’sfourth game in eight days.

Jones has played for Wales at allage groups, and having started playingwith boys, she had to move to

Newport girls’ team at the age oftwelve according to the current regula-tions, “I was lucky that Newport girlswas only 20 minutes away, girls livingin North Wales that don’t have a teamnearby aren’t so lucky”.

I asked Emma about her aspirationsfor her career and Wales chances in theWorld Cup qualifiers, “I am alreadysemi-professional (for Bristol Rovers)and there aren’t the opportunities to beprofessional in this country. As forWales, we should win our group as wehave a good team and then we can getin Tier A for qualification for the nexttournament”. As for IMG, “I onlyplayed one game, I scored in a 1-1draw, and I enjoyed it apart from thepitch”.

Paul Hunt talks to Cardiff Ladies’ Captainand Wales International Emma Jones

Final Countdown

IMGenius

CUP RUN: Road to glory

PHO

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Ada

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asso

n

By Toan RavenscroftFootball Reporter

PHO

TO:

Trim

CARDIFF’S WATERPOLO sidesreturned disappointed from theBUSA Championship Finals inNottingham.

The men began their weekendagainst local rivals Bristol. Cardifftook an early two-goal lead throughJames Hadlow and Charlie Hinder,only for their Westcountry rivals toproduce a spirited response.

The game was evenly matched withboth teams trading goals, until the finalquarter, when Bristol’s experienceenabled them to claim a 10-7 victory.

Cardiff then faced the much-fanciedLondon in their second match. Cardiffopened the scoring, but were never incontention, as they chose to rest play-ers for the game with Manchester thatwould decide the bronze medal, asLondon cruised to a 24-9 victory.

A very experienced Manchesterside was next. Clever attacking playand resolute defending enabled Cardiffto claim a 7-3 lead, through goals frominfluential fresher Dan Laxton(3),Hadlow(2) and Hinder(2), while NickCornish and Dave Hinder worked tire-lessly in defence.

Cardiff started to show the effectsof playing their second game of theday, against the side for whom this wastheir only appearance. Manchesterclaimed a 10-8 victory, leaving the

Cardiff players empty handed. The ladies’ team began their cam-

paign against Manchester in a tightgame. Both teams exchanged goalsthroughout, and there was rarely morethan a goal difference between the twoof them.

Manchester ran out 14-12 victors,despite the efforts of the outstandingLaura Smith, ‘keeper Jess Bernfeldand defender Helen Cooke.

A favourable result betweenManchester and Loughborough meantthat Cardiff were still in with a chanceof the title despite their defeat againstManchester. London was the nextopposition for Cardiff Ladies.

Cardiff was able to ground out a 10-8 victory with influential performanc-es from captain Vikki Binks andMiriam Ridha. That left everything toplay for in their final match-up of theweekend in their clash withLoughborough.

A win by five goals would giveCardiff the championship on goal dif-ference. Cardiff raced into a 5-2 leadand seemed on their way to the cham-pionship.

However, they were unable tomaintain the early high pace and suf-fered as Loughborough regained theinitiative. Cardiff had no response asthey fell to a 7-6 defeat.

WATERBOYSMarch 27 2006 Page 39Sport

[email protected]

Golfers gutted

CARDIFF: Big splash

PHO

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Clh

arlie

Hin

der

GOLF 1STS NARROWLY lost in theQuarter Finals of the BUSAChampionship last Wednesday toa reputable Birmingham side.

The match which included four-somes and singles matches was thefirst fixture the Cardiff team has lostsince November last year.

To play a match of such importanceat Little Aston Golf Club, a million-aires playground, was a excellentopportunity for the travelling team.

Such was the Little Aston’s exclu-sivity only two groups ahead of thematch, Juan Pablo Angel of AstonVilla F.C. fame, played the course.

Like all matches in the QuarterFinals the fixture consisted of threefoursome matches played in the morn-ing, where players team up in pairsand hit alternate shots.

While in the afternoon, the formatwas the usual six singles matches.

Therefore a possible nine pointswas on offer meaning Cardiff neededfive points to book a place in the finalsweekend at the prestigious WoodhallSpa.

Out first in the morning, ElliotShaw and Billy Hemstock teamed upand stole Cardiff half a point whenafter being four down after nine holes

they recorded four birdies on theinward nine and drew the game level.

Dave Thomas and Chris Orr playedsome immaculate golf and won 5/4.

Unfortunately Birmingham drewlevel with a 4/3 victory over Cardiff’sRyan Greaney and James Millard.

In the afternoon, things startedbrightly again for Cardiff with ElliotShaw thumping his opponent 5/4.

Hemstock failed to maintain themomentum and lost 1 down after aspirited fight back from four downafter 13 holes.

Ryan Greaney recovered superblyfrom a disappointing morning andwon his afternoon match on the lasthole, 1 up. Birmingham again drewlevel with a 5/4 win over James

Millard. With hardly anything to separate

the team’s fifth and sixth players, bothgames went down the 18th hole.

Chris Orr gained half a point whileDave Thomas unfortunately lost 1down. The match thus went 5-4 inBirmingham’s favour.

While Cardiff were only one pointform victory, the team will barelyeven see the fixture as a defeat.

To compete at such a high level isreward enough for the team.

Cardiff will also bear in mindBirmingham’s players study aProfessional Golfer’s Associationaffiliated degree on which they playalmost every day.

By Billy HemstockGolf Reporter

Birmingham Golf 1sts.........5 Cardiff Golf 1sts.................4

By Charlie HinderWaterpolo Reporter

Manchester men’s w’polo.10Cardiff men’s waterpolo......8 IT’S BEEN A historical and emo-

tional week for Cardiff UniversityHockey. It started with a 12-1 hid-ing of Minehead, securing a sec-ond consecutive promotion put-ting Cardiff University into SouthPremier 2, just two divisions offthe National league.

The following day the University1st XI defeated rivals Cardiff City inthe Welsh Cup Semi Final. Goals byTony Gough and Martin Freshmangave Cardiff University a 2-0 lead athalf time. City came back in thesecond half and reduced the leadto a solitary goal.

With 5 minutes remaining cap-tain Duncan Courtney scored athird with a trademark ‘dangerpush’ at a short corner. Victory overCity puts Cardiff University into theWelsh Cup Final, just one win awayfrom the European Cup WinnersCup.

Cardiff went into the playoff asunderdogs, but started the gameas if favourites. The Cardiff midfielddominated possession but theexcellent Kent defence restrictedthe attack merely to half chances.Cardiff’s defence were exceptional,keeping their first clean sheet ofthe BUSA season.

Man of the Match, Tom Moore,was typically consistent and addedto the attack on the left hand side.Chris Rhodes was Cardiff’s mainplaymaker and midway through thefirst half threaded an exquisite ballthrough to the far post.Unfortunately striker Paul Hayeswas unable to make a connectionand the best chance of the halfwent begging.

The travelling team then wentdown to ten men, as MartynFreshman was given a controversialyellow card for deliberately breakingdown play.

But even with an extra man, Kentfailed to find frequent possessionand the first half ended tied at 0-0.

The second half started in simi-lar fashion. But the umpires soonbegan to become more influentialas several Kent players were giventheir marching orders for foul play.They finally found a way through thesolid Cardiff defence with a deflect-ed goal, only for it to be disallowed.

Cardiff hit back in brilliant fash-ion, creating their best chance ofthe game. Nick Gough won a shortcorner after some impressive playdown the right. With Kent so strongat the back, Cardiff needed to capi-talise with their variety and consis-tency in their penalty corners.

A well practiced routine saw TomMoore deflect the ball goal boundonly for the Kent ‘keeper to parrythe ball over the crossbar.

With the score still goal-less, thematch would be decided by a 7minute silver goal extra time. It wasto be a dramatic ending to anenthralling game.

Cardiff showed signs of nervesas a penalty flick shootout loomed.Kent pressed forward and won sev-eral short corners. Kent foundthemselves celebrating once againas the ball crossed the line, only forthe goal to be ruled once again foran infringement.

Just seconds later Cardiff wereto be victorious. An incredible longaerial ball from David Hannah setup a short corner for the awayteam. Former Captain Tony Goughwas to be the hero as he swept inDuncan Courtney’s pass past thekeeper and into the Kent goal withjust 4 minutes remaining. Cardiffheld on to be the only team to winin Canterbury all season and seethemselves promoted into the topflight next season.

Skipper Courtney saluted histeam in such a brilliant team per-formance. "It’s been an incredibleweek. First victory over Cardiff City,and now promotion into the BUSAPremier league.

“It will be a tough season nextyear playing regularly against inter-national opposition but we will beready for the challenge. The teamspirit has been first class all sea-son."

Cardiff are still in three NationalCup competitions and are lookingforward to the prospect of playing inEurope next year if they win theWelsh Cup in April.

GOLF: Great season

Kent men’s hockey...........0Cardiff men’s hockey........1

By Paul HayesHockey Reporter

“Cardiff showedsigns of nervesas a penaltyshootout loomed”

HOCKEY: Possible treble

PHO

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Bill

y H

emst

ock

PHO

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Paul

Hay

es

Top Hockey

Sportgair rhydd

INTERVIEW:Cardiff’s IMG legendEmma Jones

GOLF: Narrow loss

PLUS:This week’s IMGroundupPage 38 Page 39 Page 37

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ! REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ! GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CON-TRIBUTIONS ! THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ! THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ! TV WILLY + DOOR = BAD IDEA !

ED TOM IN ‘SNAKES IN A ROOM’ NIGHTMARE ! PETE GOODMAN = ANAGRAM OF MEGATON DOPE ! ED: “WHEN I’M IN CHARGE, I’LL FUCK UP THE ELECTIONS. I’LL BE ON MY WAY OUT THEN ANYWAY” ! RIDLER: “IT’S ABOUT TIMESOMEONE GAVE THE EDITOR ONE” ! G-UNIT: “ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS COCK SUCKING INVOLVED” ! DOBBS OR MONAGHAN? ! MONAGHAN OR DOBBS? ! SOPHIE ‘THE LOAF’ PASQUALE ! BLOGGING RULES THE ELECTION ! FNARR

By Dave MenonIMG Sport Editor

IMG FOOTBALL Fixtures havebeen rearranged once again,after the Council denied therecent AU application to playsixteen matches on Sunday.

The reason for the Council’slate decision is unknown, as thepressure to complete this IMGFootball season mounts.

Games were played lastWednesday, but there are still fourrounds of matches to fit in as timeruns out.

Fortunately, IMG Chair ClareDonovan has booked Pitches 7and 8 on Pontcanna, and fourpitches on Llanrumney thisSunday (26th March).

All eight Premiership sides willplay their Week 3 fixtures atPontcanna this Sunday, whereasall eight Division Two teams willplay their Week 3 fixtures atLlanrumney.

The remaining Division Oneand Division Three Week 3 fix-tures will be played on SundayApril 30, with details of kick-offtimes to be emailed to all affectedteam captains after Easter.

Meanwhile, all Week 4 Fixtureswill proceed as normal atPontcanna this Wednesday (29thMarch). Further details of the fix-tures to be played this Sunday canbe found in this week’s Full IMGBreakfast.

In addition, Clare would like tomake everybody aware of thisyear’s IMG Ball. This will replacethe end of year IMG awards nightthat has taken place over the lastfew years

The event will take place onWednesday May 3 at HollandHouse Hotel.

The ticket price has not beenfinalised as yet. Contact Clare forfurther details about the IMG Ball.

All final IMG Netball, Rugbyand Football tables will be printedin the next edition.

For more action and reactionfrom the world of IMG, see page37.

CARDIFF LADIES’ 1ST XI finishedrunners up to Loughborough 2ndsin the BUSA Trophy after a capti-vating final in Nottingham.

Last to play in a day full ofLoughborough victories, Cardiff wereslightly intimidated by the huge andvery vocal gang of Loughborough sup-porters.

Playing on a surface that the opposi-

tion thrived on and Cardiff have rarelyplayed on, the disadvantage was obvi-ous as Loughborough took an earlylead with a deflection from a brokendown short corner. Cardiff spent muchof the first half defending ferociously.

At half time Cardiff went back outwith a much more positive attitude butwere deflated when, within the first tenminutes of the second half,Loughborough had increased their leadto 3-0.

However, complacent with a three-goal lead, Loughborough sat back andCardiff began to take control. After

consistent pressure on theLoughborough defence, Cardiff won amuch-deserved short corner. Aftermany deflections, Emily Pattersonfound the back of the net. Cardiffattacked straight away and wererewarded with a penalty flick asCaptain Becky Wheeler’s shot wasstopped on the line by a Loughboroughfoot. Amelia Williams stepped upcalmly and slotted the ball into the bot-tom left-hand corner. Cardiff wereheading for a silver medal with onlytwo minutes to go, before a ball passedthrough by Tamara Fateh found Sophie

Blair at the top of the D. Blair was vio-lently upended by an irateLoughborough defender. A yellow cardand a penalty flick later, taken again byAmelia Williams, Cardiff had drawnlevel and the final was going into extratime. Despite having all the possessionin the fourteen minutes of extra timeCardiff couldn’t find the net and thegold was to be decided by penaltyflicks. Donna McCormack and LauraFerguson found the net for Cardiff but,despite goalkeeper Lizzie Hawes’attempts, Loughborough went on towin on penalties 3-2.

Photo: Luke Pavey

IMGNEWS

By Philly CoxHockey Reporter

Loughborough 1st XI..........4Cardiff 1st XI.....................3

Documents

gair rhydd - Issue 811