General Convent-Onion 2

7/31/2019 General Convent-Onion 2

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THE GENERAL CONVENT -ONION

Revolution underway:HOB/HOD quash parliamentary

procedure, adopt consensus process

The Episcopal Church continues the restructure

shuffle, leaving behind its tried and true Provincial

organization and reorganizing itself into Hogwarts

Houses. As an exercise in consensus governance,

members of respective dioceses were invited to tweet

their opinions as to where their dioceses should land.

The results were culled by the EPF-YAI/Convent-

Onion Editorial Staff and the results are as follows:

Gryffindor: North Carolina, Minnesota, The IndyBodybuilding Convention (running concurrently

with GC77), Northwestern Pennsylvania, New

Hampshire, Connecticut, and Texas

Continued on page 3

Outmoded Provincial model scrapped,

TEC opts for Hogwarts Houses

ISSUE 2,77THGENERAL CONVENTIONFor your misinformation:

Page 5

Page 24

Page 11

Page 243

Gregory Straub caught wearingconservative pinstripe suit

Bishop sports bikini, wins 3rdplace in Indy Body-BuildingCompetition

Open Table deliberationscontinue, Eucharist falls to theConvention floor

Keep looking for those articles! Were upping the ante forthe first to find them next GC youll get an all-accesspass to the House of Bishops, with full voting rights!

Page 7

Natl/Intl Concerns Comm:

Bishop stumbles, plunges intomysterious Black Hole

Today, the House of Bishops consensed with the House ofDeputies on resolution D99%, formally abolishingparliamentary procedure and adopting a modifiedConsensus Process used by many in the Occupy Movement,sparked in cities across the US.

The Rev. Stephanie Spellers, Chaplain to the House of

Bishops, has been conducting finger exercises in order toprepare the Bishops for the new method of approvingresolutions.

Instead of saying Aye or Nay the Bishops will now showsupport for a resolution by holding their hands in the air andmoving their fingers, a.k.a Sparkling. [See page 3.] TheBishop Ninetti Percenti of the Diocese of Lesswall Morestreet

Continued on page 3

Scott Gunns closed-toe

acolyte tweet thought fake, butwas real after all


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The General Convent-Onion

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In the Convention Exhibit Hall,

Postulants and prospective seminarianswere wooed by the eleven seminaries of

the Episcopal Church, as well associatedtheological institutes and universitydivinity schools on Seminary Row. Theswag was alluring irresistible actually.

I didnt realize it until it was too late,

admitted Couldnt Makeup-Mymind,Everyone was so nice, the options socompelling. One thing led to another

and the next thing I new I had enrolled in three differentschools. While the Episcopal seminaries tend to be friendlytowards one another and try to work with their students, it isdoubtful that they can allow them to concurrently enroll. TwoMDivs at once? Thats excessive, remarked the Crusty OldDean. Theyll be drawing a pension before they see the insideof a parish!

What can I say? I was roped in, explained another student inthe perplexing situation. It was the lanyards. [See left.]

Postulants, prospective seminarians wooed on Seminary Row;mistakenly enroll in several schools at once

EPF Young Adult breaks

down, bu s Starbucks

Upon the opening of todays session, a crowdgathered around Table 5 in the House of Bishopsto determine the origin of an unclaimed weapon ofmass distraction: an iPhone. Although the devicewas not equipped with Siri technology, expertshave confirmed the portable smart phone wascapable of text messaging, posting on the twitter,and even the facebook.

One bishop commented after leaving thecompromised area where the questionable devicewas found: These devices are the source of the

type of open, transparent communication oh,sorry, just saw on my twitter feed that Q789passed! Another bishop mused, I wouldnt besurprised if this device was planted here by theHouse of Deputies. Yet another added, What?Sorry, I wasnt listening. I was texting pictures ofmy dog. Isnt she cute!?!

HOB on edge: Weapons of Mass

Distraction found on floor

Despite the Episcopal PeaceFellowships ongoing boycottof Starbucks stemming fromthe groups commitment tononviolence and in protest tothe major coffee retailersallowance of guns on itspremises a member of the

Young Adult Initiative was

caught red-

eye-coffee-handed.

I just needed my fix, said theembarrassed, caffeine-buzzed youngin. You canonly resist their wily trappings for so long. I mean,theyre everywhere! No, really. Everywhere. And,oh God, the smell the SMELL!

When the complicit offender was asked if hewould do it again, he replied: Um, probably.


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Issue 2, 77th General Convention

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OCCUPYAUSTIN

HAND SIGNALS

SPARKLING/ SPARKLY HANDS

( We respect your idea butget to the point )

POINT OF PROCESS

(holdyourarmscrossedagainstchest)

WRAP IT UP HARD BLOCK

(both handsraised withngerspointing upand being wiggled)

( I like what Im hearing, ( I dont like what im hearingwith what's being said )

(make a"V" with(a single handformed

( A question, eliciting a short

answer, that claries a proposal )

CLARIFYING QUESTION

( Used to bring attention to facilitators

that GA is o-topic/out of process )

thumband forenger)

I consent to this )

NEUTRAL

( I dont know how I feel

about what im hearing )

in the shape of aC)

CONCERNPOINT OF INFORMATION

DISAGREE

( A short brief, fact that

relates directly to what is being

announced or proposed )

( Dissent with a proposal, based

on the principles of the group )

( Used to block consensus

if a proposal violates the

values of the group. )

FRIENDLY AMENDMENT

( A suggested modication to

a proposal to resolve a concern )

(both handsloweredwith ngerspointing down andbeing wiggled)

Hogwarts Houses Contd

Ravenclaw: Massachusetts, Virginia, ArizonaHufflepuff: Central Gulf Coast, Central New

York, Fort Worth

Slytherin: Ohio (apparently the bishop has oneSlughorn

-

like mustache)

We hope the move will put the, uh, magic backinto TECs organizational life, said HarryPotterfan of the Diocese of Little Whinging.

Others saw an opportunity to build newrelationships across the church that transcendedgeographical boundaries.

The Sorting will be very important, noted

Deputy Housemistress MinervaMcGonagall, as the Houses willbe something like your familywithin the new Hogwartsstructure. DeputyMcGonagall will be chargedwith overseeing the communal

life of dioceses in the newstructure.

Bishops seem especially excited about the new Room

of Requirement that will accompany the newstructural arrangement. Finally, Ill have

somewhere to hide when the Death Eaters come

around, said one bishop anonymously, adding:Im ready to get on the Hogwarts Express!

Consensus Process Contd

said I never knew how easy and useful thesehand signals were. I think Ill occupy our nextDiocesan Convention, use these hand signals, andmove Convention to a nearby park where we willerect tents for each constituent parish. Hopefullyno one will be arrested, but we will respect adiversity of tactics as we discuss diocesan affairs

and move resolutions. The President of the HOD,

Bonnie Anderson, added: I am tremendouslyexcited that I will no longer have to ask deputies forwhat reason they rise to the microphone. I will beable tojust look at their hands and know if they havea question, a point of process,etc.It is unclear how the Deputies and Bishops will betrained in the intricacies of this process as theresolution was not funded. There is speculation thatthey will apply for a grant from Trinity Wall Street.

D99% also proposes that the House of Deputies willbegin using the human microphone. Finally thisresolution opened up speaking and voting privilegesto all who show up at General Convention in aneffort to be more horizontal in the Church

structure. A member of Occupy Wall Streetcommented, under condition being Anonymous: Ithink it is great that the Church is finally embracingthe structure of the 99%. However, I wont be there

as Im an atheist.

Other Convention attendees were more reticent to

accept the proposed resolution. Said an exasperatedLikesit Theoldway of Whychange, ID: You thoughtthe parliamentary stuff took forever Were in for itnow.

Watch my words, warned another, after GC78well be begging for a pope to just tell us what to do!To which a stander by promptly responded with ablock.


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The General Convent-Onion

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YOUNG ADULT INITIATIVE Blame for this publication is attributable to:Episcopal Peace Fellowship YoungAdult Initiative.

LibraGood thing you brought that extra bag. You are goingto need it to hold all of the swag you pick up in theexhibition hall.

ScorpioBe extra careful while helping with communion. Wedont want any Body of Christ, Cup of Salvation.

SagittariusAvoid the awkward moment! Be sure to review

Roberts Rules of Order, you dont want to call thequestion when you meant to discuss.

CapricornYou know that they say the early bird catches theworm but imagine how many more worms the birdwho stays up all night catches! Think about that thenext time you have a hearing or reception late at night.

AquariusDont be scared to speak up today! Let your voice beheard. Unless, of course, discussion has closed.

PiscesSometimes it feels like things in our lives are missing.If you feel this is the case, please see a legislative aid.

We predict more horoscopes will appearin your future.

Episco- ashionsWho said you cant serve God and look freakin awesome doingit!?! While this periodical is lightheartedly satirical, here wesincerely highlight some of our favorite fashions at GC77

The Last IssueThanks so much forthe overwhelminglypositive response toour first issue. Wehad a blast writing it;very glad it was wellreceived.

This will be our last

issuefor now, but beon the lookout formore at GC78!

Laugh responsibly,

EPF-YAI

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General Convent-Onion 2