7/31/2019 Government Confident it will get away with it,
Shock
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Government confident that it will get away with it, Shock!
The Daily Dissembler, June 2012Stephen Cook
New raft of compulsory
donations announced
The government announced today that itwill push forward with its
charitable
efforts to provide financial aid for needy
causes, having been inspired by the
global reputation of the British taxpayer
for generosity above and beyond the call
of reason or indeed what he can afford.
Announcing the new initiative, which
has been described as much the same as
the old initiative only a lot newer, First
Secretary of the MDI (the Ministry for
Daft Ideas) Tom Money-Mafia (Con,
Penury, Wilts) said:
We have been considerably encouraged
by the heart-warming success of our
taxes on static caravans and take-out
food. We prefer, however, to use the
word compulsory donations' rather than'
taxes' because they generously diverted
into the coffers of the needy funds the
tax payer would otherwise have frittered
away on shoes, rent and other
frivolities.
He went on to explain that OperationWringer produced other
benefits.
Prominent among those benefits was the
establishment of incontrovertible proof
that Her Majesty's Government can get
away with almost anything provided it
steadfastly ignores troublesome elements
such as voters and other minorities, in
the true spirit of a Constitutional
Democracy.
It demonstrated as well the value both of
timing and the trusted routine of
announcing something nobody wants,
pretending that the purpose is to "consult
the people, gauging public outrage so as
to assess the likelihood of provoking a
popular revolt and then waiting until
everybodys attention is riveted upon
some new catastrophe such as the
Olympic Games before slipping it onto
the statute books.
Once something is on the statute books
of course, and the Ministry of Threats is
successfully intimidating one and all into
compliance, it is notoriously difficult to
get if off the statute books again.
However, the government is at pains to
point out that it is not completely
inconsiderate of the needs of the poor,
hard-up, fed-up and desperate, albeit this
is but a small seventy-five percent of the
population.
As Mr Money-Mafia explained, "It is
this government's firm policy to do all
we can to alleviate the distress caused by
the compulsory donations and all the
other new taxes that hardly anybody
noticed, primarily by introducing new
measures even more unpopular and thus
giving everyone something worse to
think about.
At a press conference later in the day,
the Prime Minister spoke briefly about
the new taxes, saying, "The collapse of
the static caravan and fast food
industries is a small price to pay for the
help weby which I mean youhave
been able to provide for the truly needy,
such as Europe, banks and small
countries crying out to be bombed.
Gratified by the public's evidententhusiasm for handing the
government
all its money, the Treasury has now
announced proposals to extend the
scheme further because the money
raised thus far has unfortunately
vanished into what economists are
describing as a "ruddy great fiscal black
hole, the mechanics of which are too
complicated to explain to ordinary
people, or indeed to anyone.
These new measures are designed to
raise a further hundred billion pounds of
spare cash nobody has a good use for.
The funds will be politely jimmied from
the tax payer's wallet and put to work
for truly humanitarian purposes. The
government hopes that once the public
understands the nature of the help it is
being forced to give, it won't complain
too much.
The new raft of humanitarian projects
the government has in mind include aid
to the shareholders of multinational
corporations, aid to small countries
ruined by idiots (Europe), drug
companies still reeling from the disaster
of being sued for damages by their
customers and re-floating the United
States.
Releasing details of the new fund-
raising measures themselves, the
government is at pains to reassure the
British people they are being announced
purely for the purposes of consultation
and gauging public opinion. No firm
decision about them has yet been made,
except the decision to bring them into
force in 2014 when everyone is
preoccupied with the disaster of the
World Cup.
The proposals include:
Re-introduction of the popular Middle
Ages tax on windows.
A new tax on bricked-up windows.
A new tax on the use of pavements by
pedestrians (to be levied by the
introduction of pavement toll booths).
A new tax on static carsto be levied
by the payment of "on-the-spot fees attraffic lights and by
roving usherettes on
the M25.
A tax on umbrellas, which will require
the introduction of a new Ministry of
Umbrella Licensing and the provision of
twenty thousand jobs for those laid off in
the collapse of the fast food and static
caravan industries.
A so-called "Sock Tax (tax on socks).
A tax on cats (whether static or mobile).
Excludes Fat Cats.
The introduction of a so-called Swear
Box for the entertainment industry
whereby the makers of television and
film will be charged 10 every time
someone uses the "f word. This
measure alone is expected to raise a
hundred billion pounds per annum.
Several other revenue-raising measures
were proposed by the movement
CYNICS (Can You Not Introduce
Common Sense):
The abolition of income tax and
its replacement with a purchase
tax so that people pay a fixed rate
of tax only on what they spend.
A "Political Fib tax, which is
similar to the "Swear Box
mentioned above but which
instead obliges all politicians to
pay a fine every time they tell a
lie or withhold information.
A tax on psychiatry. Under these
proposals, a psychiatrist will
have to pay a fixed fine every
time he fails to make a patient
well within five years or the
patient dies (whichever is the
sooner). The definition of "well
would exclude those on
psychiatric medications because
someone on medication,
including many politicians, can
hardly be described as "well. It
also excludes people who are
dead.
However, a spokesman for the Treasury
dismissed CYNIC's proposals as
"preposterous.
A spokesman for CYNICS dismissed the
Treasury as preposterous.
In tomorrow' s issue of the Dissembler:
National debt to reach 1.4 trillion by
2014. Government denies failure of its
austerity measures as the benefits are
not expected to be felt until 2030 when
most of us will be dead or on
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