Grandparents R a i s i n g · you cry. Let them know that you feel sad, angry, or lonely. Allow children to share their feelings and cry, but don’t make them feel bad if they don’t

Understanding the Grieving ProcessGrieving is a process of learning to accept the death ofsomeone you love. Although each person handlesdeath a little differently, most people do go throughsome predictable steps in their grief process. The fol-lowing are the common stages of grief:

n Denial. When a person first learns of a death, acommon reaction is to deny it. The first thoughtsmay be “this can’t be happening” or “this is only abad dream.” Many people also feel anger, guilt,or resentment when a loved one dies. The denialstage tends to be fairly short, although feelings ofguilt and resentment can linger into later stagesof grieving.

n Despair. Once a person has gotten over the ini-tial shock of a death, sadness and confusion oftenset in. In this stage, the reality of the death has

been accepted, and the person is starting to real-ize that life will be forever different without theloved one. During this stage, anguish and depres-sion are common reactions.

n Detachment. Depression can lead to feelings ofloneliness, isolation, withdrawal, and indifferencetoward the world. Many people who are grievingtemporarily lose interest in the world around themand want to withdraw from others. This is a nor-mal step in the grief process.

n Recovery. The final stage of the grief processinvolves acceptance of the death. The person mustacknowledge that the death has happened, and lifemust go on. This does not mean forgetting the per-son who has died — in many ways, life will neverbe the same without him or her. But a person whoreaches the stage of recovery begins to take

Handling death is always a difficult process. Dealingwith your grief stretches your emotional resources, and handling details suchas a funeral and burial requires time and planning. For some grandparents, thedeath of an adult child also means that you must accept responsibility for raising grandchildren.

The stress of so many changes at once can be overwhelming for the entirefamily. Adults often do not know how to explain a death to children, and areunprepared to help children handle their own grief over the loss of a parent.But with sensitivity and compassion, you can help your grandchildren learn tocope with the death, move through the stages of grief, and find productiveways to express their emotions.

GrandparentsRaising

GrandchildrenHelping Your Grandchildren Deal with the Death of a Parent

renewed interest in life and to moveforward without the loved one.

Grief affects people in different ways and isdifferent with each loss. Some peoplemove through these stages fairly quicklyand reach recovery and acceptance in afew weeks or months. Others spend a longtime in one stage before continuing thegrief process. Some people may workthrough their grief over one death in a fewweeks or months, but spend months oryears grieving another loss. Certain events,such as the anniversary of the death or aholiday, may prompt some people to returnto an earlier stage of grief.

No matter how painful it is, grieving thedeath of a loved one is an importantprocess. Some people try to avoid theunpleasant emotions of grief by ignoring

their feelings or acting as if nothing haschanged. These people will never fullyrecover until they accept the death andgrieve the loss of the loved one.

How Children Learn to Understand DeathLike adults, children grieve when someonethey love dies. Children who are handlingthe death of someone they love need adultsupport to help them understand andaccept the death. How children under-stand death depends, in part, on their age.Here are some common reactions to deathin children of different ages:

Infants and Toddlers (under 3 years): Very young children cannot understanddeath, but they may recognize that some-one important to them is no longer around.Many infants and toddlers respond to thestress of the adults around them. Theymay also be upset because their regularroutine has changed after the death.

One way to help infants and toddlers is tokeep their lives as normal as possible afterthe death. Have a caring and familiar adult(a neighbor or regular caregiver) take careof them during the first weeks after thedeath. Try to keep meals and bedtime rou-tines as normal as possible. Provide gentle,loving discipline —- toddlers may act outbecause the adults around them are upset.Explain the death in very simple words,such as “Daddy died.” As children getolder, help them to remember the parent.Talk about things the child did with theparent. Show them pictures of the parent.

Helping Your Grandchild Deal with the Death of a Parent

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Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Cooperative Extension, The University of Georgia

Preschoolers(3 - 5 years):Preschoolers have a very basic under-standing of death. They may recognizethat body functions such as breathing stopwhen a person dies, and they may under-stand that a person who has died can’t talkor eat or sleep any more. But mostpreschoolers are not able to understandthat death is permanent. They tend to askquestions like, “When is Mommy comingback?” even after hearing repeatedly thatshe has died.

Preschoolers also may need to ask thesame questions over and over in order toprocess the death. You can help childrenby answering their questions simply buthonestly every time they ask them. Makesure they have plenty of time for outdoorplay. Physical activity can help young chil-dren release some of the stress over aparent’s death.

School-Agers (6 years and up):During the elementary years, most chil-dren learn to understand four basic factsabout death: death is permanent; it can’tbe reversed; all life functions stop whena person dies; and death happens toevery living thing. School-agers mayexpress fear about their own deathbecause they have suddenly realized thatthey will die too.

Some school-age children may developfears about death after a parent has died.They may worry that they did something tocause their parent to die. They may beafraid that they will die when they go tosleep. Or they may worry that they will dieevery time they get sick. You can helpschool-age children deal with these fearsby encouraging them to share their worriesand reassuring them.


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No matter howpainful it is,grieving the

death of a lovedone is an important process.

How to Help Children Who Are GrievingChildren are sometimes forgotten duringthe immediate hours and days after adeath. Adults who are dealing with theirown grief may not have the emotionalstrength to help children deal with thedeath. Adults outside the family may avoidtalking to the children about the deathbecause they don’t know what to say or areafraid of upsetting them. Some well-mean-ing but misguided adults try to protectchildren from death, either to spare thempain or because “they’re too little to under-stand.” Excluding children, especiallywhen their parent has died, won’t preventthem from feeling grief.

But keep in mind that children’s grief is dif-ferent from yours in some important ways.Young children do not understand thatdeath is permanent. Some children actcasual about a death because they do notreally understand that the parent is not

coming back. Children need support towork through the grieving process. And asthe grandparent who will be raising them,you will be one of the most important sup-ports they have. Here are some ways tohelp children grieve the death of a parent:

n Think about the words you use.Telling children the truth about a par-ent’s death is important, but rememberthat children take what you say liter-ally. Don’t tell children that a deadparent is “sleeping;” children maybecome afraid to go to sleep. Be cau-tious about telling children that Daddydied because he was sick. Stress thathe was very very very sick — other-wise, children may think that routineillnesses could cause them to die.

n Be honest about your feelings. It’sall right for your grandchildren to seeyou cry. Let them know that you feelsad, angry, or lonely. Allow children toshare their feelings and cry, but don’tmake them feel bad if they don’t wantor need to.

n Give children words to explaintheir feelings. Use words like“angry,” “sad,” and “lonely” to describeyour own feelings. These words mayhelp children tell you how they feel.Reading children’s books about deathmay help your grandchildren learn howto explain their feelings. (See“Children’s Books about Death” onpage 7 for suggestions.)

n Give children non-verbal ways toexpress themselves. Music, dance,writing, art, and even physical play can


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be good outlets to express negativefeelings. Some children express them-selves better with actions than withwords.

n Assure them that they will always betaken care of. Let them know that theyhave a safe place to live in your home.

n Share your religious beliefs, butremember that young children takewhat you say literally. Saying “Godloved Mommy so much that He tookher to Heaven” may make young chil-dren believe that they are also going todie, since God loves them.

n Help children memorialize the par-ent. Taking flowers to the cemetery,planting a tree for the parent, talkingabout the parent, or keeping photos ofthe parent in the child’s room are goodways to help children remember.

n Know that children’s grief hascycles. Many children re-experiencegrief as they enter new stages of devel-opment. A preschooler who hasgrieved the death of a parent may expe-rience that grief again as she beginsschool, when she starts middle school,when she graduates from high school,and so on.

Should Children Attend a Parent’s Funeral?Many adults worry that children will befrightened by funerals. Are your grand-children old enough to attend their parent’sfuneral? The answer depends on their ageand maturity. For many children, the ritu-

als of a funeral, memorial service, burialservice and visitation can give them com-fort. They will have chances to hear otherpeople talk about their parent and to sharetheir grief with others. Children also learnhow to handle their grief by watching theadults around them.

Many children actually get a lot out of afuneral or memorial service. If your grand-children are in elementary school or older,they are probably old enough to get com-fort from attending the service. If yourgrandchildren are younger, you will needto decide whether they should attend thefuneral. You might consider having themattend the parts they will understand best,such as the burial. Children should not beforced to attend if they do not want to, andthey should be allowed to leave during theservice if they become frightened.

Children who are prepared beforehand areless likely to be frightened by a visitation,


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Excluding children,especially whentheir parent has

died, won’t preventthem from feeling

grief.

funeral, or burial because they know whatto expect. Children need to know what acasket is and need to realize that it will beburied in the ground. It is especially impor-tant to prepare them ahead if there is aviewing of the body. Let them know thatthe parent will be lying in the casket. Theywill be able to look at and touch the par-ent, but he or she will not be breathing andwill not be able to respond to them.

Family members who are dealing withtheir own grief may not be able to focus onthe child’s needs during the visitation,funeral, and burial. It may be helpful toenlist someone outside the family whomthe child trusts to be with the child, answerquestions, and offer support during theservices.

In SummaryHelping grandchildren deal with their griefover the death of a parent is not easy. Thechildren need to know that you are therefor them, that they are safe, and that theycan express their feelings. As a grandpar-ent, you play an important role in helpingthem through the grieving process, even asyou are dealing with your own grief.Remember that you are not alone. You cancall on others to support you and yourgrandchildren during this difficult process.


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Bosak, S. (1997). Something toremember me by. Toronto: TheCommunications Project.

Brown, K., & Brown, M. (1996).When dinosaurs die: A guide tounderstanding death. Boston: LittleBrown.

Brown, M. (1958). The dead bird.New York: Young Scott Books.

Buscaglia, L. (1982). The fall ofFreddie the leaf. Thorofare, NJ:Charles B. Slack.

Greenlee, S. (1992). When someonedies. Atlanta: Peachtree Publishers.

Hesse, K. (1997). Out of the dust.New York: Scholastic Press.

Mellonie, B., & Ingpen, R. (1983).Lifetimes: A beautiful way to explaindeath to children. New York: Bantam.

Rawls, W. (1961). Where the red ferngrows. New York: Bantam.

Rogers, F. (1988). When a pet dies.New York: Putnam’s.

Sandord, D. (1985). It must hurt alot. Portland, OR: Multnomah Press.

Viorst, J. (1987). The tenth goodthing about Barney. New York:Macmillan.

White, E. B. (1952). Charlotte’s web.New York: Harper & Row.

Zolotow, C. (1974). My grandsonLew. New York: Harper & Row.

Children’s Books about Death

ReferencesAmerican Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (2008). Children and grief. Retrieved

December 15, 2008 from http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Children+and+Grief&sec-tion=Facts+for+Families.

Christian, L. G. (1997). Children and death. Young Children, 54(4), 76 - 80.

Essa, E. L., & Murray, C. I. (1994). Research in review: Young children’s understanding andexperience with death. Young Children, 49(4), 74 - 80.

Goldman, L. E. (1996). We can help children grieve: A child-oriented model for memorial-izing. Young Children, 51(6), 69 - 73.

Thomason, N. D. (1999). “Our guinea pig is dead! Young children cope with death.”Dimensions of Early Childhood, 27(2), 26 - 29.



The University of Georgia and Ft. Valley State University, the U.S. Department of Agriculture andcounties of the state cooperating. Cooperative Extension, the University of Georgia College ofAgricultural and Environmental Sciences, offers educational programs, assistance and materialsto all people without regard to race, color, national origin, age, gender or disability.

An EqUAl OppOrTUniTy EmplOyEr/AFFirmATiVE ACTiOn OrGAnizATiOnCOmmiTTED TO A DiVErSE WOrk FOrCE

publication # CHFD-E 59-4 revised July, 2009

Developed and released by Dr. Diane Bales, Human Development Specialist,

Cooperative Extension, The University of Georgia. The Grandparents Raising

Grandchildren series was adapted, with permission, from the Grandparents as

Parents series originally developed by the University of Kentucky Cooperative

Extension and released by Sam Quick. For more information, go to

http://www.gafamilies.org or call 1-800-ASK-UGA1.

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Grandparents R a i s i n g · you cry. Let them know that you feel sad, angry, or lonely. Allow children to share their feelings and cry, but don’t make them feel bad if they don’t