WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2020 5www.derbyinformer.com

The cure for everythingBY JIM MULLENjimmullenbooks.com

The only time you see gray-haired people like me on television is in commercials that only run during the evening news. You’ll see an athletic gray-haired guy and his athletic wife running down a beach, playing tennis and dancing on the deck of a cruise ship while

a serious, disembodied voice intones, “You’ll know when it’s time for Splondocaine.”

The voice never tells you what Splondocaine does, or what it’s for, but instead just tells you to ask your doctor about it. It’s like a big secret we can’t let young children know about yet.

“Mom, what’s Splondocaine?”“Watch your mouth! We don’t talk

about that kind of stuff in this house. You’ll know when it’s time!”

During the rest of the commercial, the voice tries to warn you, in frantic speed-whispers, NOT to take Splondocaine, for the love of God!

“In some people, Splondocaine may cause drowsiness, vomiting, stomach upset, mucous discharge, yellowing of the skin, visions, dementia, loss of hearing, warts, curvature of the spine, sleep apnea, loss of feeling in the forehead, smelly feet, bad breath, a deep and abiding sense of impending doom, liver spots, baldness, wrinkles, sciatica, bed-wetting, liver damage, loose teeth and forgetfulness. Did I mention the drowsiness?”

The man and the woman in the commercial were now laughing at a kid flying a kite. That did it: I decided I had to have some. So I went to my doctor. “Doc, don’t you think it’s time I took Splondocaine?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “How long have you been constipated?”

“Is that what it’s for?”“Well, what did you think?”“I thought it was like marijuana for

old people. Have you seen their ads?

Those people are high. I thought that’s what the kite meant.”

The next night, I saw a commercial for Plasothalix. It came between an ad for adult diapers and another for Polident. It showed a gray-haired man blowing a horn, eating corn on the cob and laughing on a big, fancy sailboat. The serious voice said, “Joe used to worry, but he doesn’t anymore. He uses Plasothalix twice a day and is the life of the party. Ask your doctor about Plasothalix today! May cause dry heaves, cold sweats, boils, manic depression, palsy, dry mouth, emotional outbursts, itchy skin, sneezing, runny nose, tennis elbow, psoriasis, foaming of the mouth, fingertip soreness, loss of a sense of time and lower back pain. Do not drink alcohol or eat cashews while taking Plasothalix.”

I called the doctor again. “Doc, I’m sick with worry. Shouldn’t I be taking Plasothalix twice a day?”

“Oh, wouldn’t think so,” he said. “You’ve got plenty of hair.”

“Hair? I thought for sure it was for anxiety. Or maybe motion sickness. Do you have anything for anxiety? Because I’m very anxious. Don’t you ever watch the news? People with gray hair are falling apart! I’m afraid to walk down the street. Pieces of me may drop off the way tailpipes come off old cars.”

“Maybe there is something you should take,” Doc told me. “I’m going to call in a prescription for Evenitol for you.”

“Evenitol? I’ve seen that commercial. Isn’t that the one where the gray-haired guy is out jogging with a gray-haired woman, and after that, they play handball and go rock-climbing? Then he goes swimming while she does tai chi in the park. Then he plays baseball, and finally they go camping and whitewater rafting together that same night. You’d have to give a 20-year-old oxygen and adrenaline to do all that in one day, but these people seem fine. So what’s Evenitol for? Chronic severe rectal itch? Adult diaper rash? Mole hair?”

“No – it softly but gently puts you to sleep during the evening news. You’ll never have to watch those commercials again. Take two and don’t call me in the morning.”

If you don’t have a recipe like this in your winter repertoire, then you should. In our house, we refer to this dish as Pasta Bolognese. Now, before you raise your hand to point out that this is not an authentic Bolognese sauce, I’ll save you the time and announce it right here: This is not an authentic Bolognese sauce.

You might, instead, call this sauce a distant relative, the result of numerous family dinners, and the evolution of a sauce tweaked to ensure ease of prepa-ration, ingredient access and unanimous approval.

Let me explain. Bolognese sauce is a meaty Italian ragu, often containing a combination of beef, pork, pancetta and/or veal. It may also include tomatoes, although they are not typically predom-inant, since meat is the principal com-ponent (which is why Bolognese is often called a ragu). This recipe calls exclusively for ground beef, because that’s the meat I can easily find in my market and likely have stashed in my freezer. And it includes a generous amount of tomatoes, which always lend bright acidity to meat sauce.

Other traits of traditional Bolognese sauce are the minimal use of spices (salt, pepper, nutmeg), no garlic (gasp!), and the inclusion of white wine and milk. For the record, you can be sure there will be garlic in the following recipe, as well as oregano and thyme. And there will be no trace of milk; otherwise, one young family

member would have rebelled years ago due to a mystifying bias against dairy. And, in place of white wine, I always add red, because I prefer how it deepens flavor and adds fruity acidity to meaty sauces.

Finally, Bolognese is hearty, traditionally served with equally hearty pasta, such as pappardelle. We love these thick, ribbon-y noodles, but there’s rarely pappardelle on hand in our house, so spaghetti is the go-to staple of choice.

The point here is that this is a flexible pasta sauce that tastes great no matter its name or origin.

Lynda Balslev is the co-author of “Almonds: Recipes, History, Culture” (Gibbs Smith, 2014). Read her blog at tastefoodblog.com.

A sauce Bolognese-ish

Pasta BologneseActive Time: 50 min. • Total Time: 50 min. • Serves 4 to 6

Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in a large pot over medium-high heat. Add the onion, carrot and celery and cook until softened, 5 to 7 minutes, stirring frequently. Transfer to a bowl.

Add remaining 1 tablespoon oil to the same pot. Add beef and cook until colored and beginning to brown, about 8 minutes, stirring frequently. Add garlic and red pepper flakes and cook until fragrant, about 1 minute.

Pour in the wine and simmer until reduced by about half, stirring up any brown bits in the pan,

and then add the tomato paste and stir to blend.Add tomatoes, bay leaf, thyme, oregano, salt

and black pepper. Bring sauce to a boil and then reduce heat to medium-low. Partially cover the pot and simmer sauce for at least 30 minutes, stirring occasionally and breaking up any tomatoes with a wooden spoon. Taste for seasoning. If desired add 1 to 2 teaspoons sugar, to taste.

Serve ladled over cooked pasta. Garnish with fresh parsley and serve with grated Parmesan cheese.

2 T extra-virgin olive oil, divided1 medium onion, finely diced1 small carrot, finely diced1 small celery stalk, finely diced1 lb ground beef2 large garlic cloves, minced1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes

1 cup full-bodied red wine1/4 cup tomato paste1 can (28 oz) crushed or whole

Italian plum tomatoes with juice1 bay leaf1 tsp dried thyme1 tsp dried oregano

1 tsp salt1/2 tsp freshly ground black

pepper1 to 2 tsp sugar (optional)Spaghetti or other pastaFresh parsleyGrated Parmesan cheese

by Lynda Balslev • tastefoodblog.com • The Derby Informer

LYNDA BALSLEV FOR TASTEFOOD

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TasteFood by Lynda Balslev

Kansas governor turns to pensions for budget breathing roomBY JOHN HANNAAP Political Writer

TOPEKA, Kan. (AP) – Democratic Gov. Laura Kelly proposed Monday that Kansas give itself more breathing room in its budget by slashing annual payments to its pension system for teachers and government workers, offering a new version of a plan that the Republican-controlled

Legislature spiked last year.

Kelly’s proposal would give the state an extra 10 years longer to close a long-term gap in funding for the state pension system. The move would free up tens of millions of dollars each year for more than a decade, money that could be used for schools and social services.

But it’s not clear if her new plan will fare any

better than last year’s proposal – which was dead from almost the moment she presented it to lawmakers. The Kansas Public Employee Retirement System projects Kelly’s proposal would increase the cost of closing the gap by a total of $4.4 billion – comparing it to extending the length of a home mortgage.

“It is kind of like

refinancing the mortgage on your house – you know, lower payments, but you’ve got to pay them longer,” said Alan Conroy, the pension system’s executive director.

Kelly contends giving the state more time to close the funding gap stabilizes the pension system by making the state’s annual payments more affordable. The state skipped payments when

it faced budget shortfalls in recent years and still is trying to make up $268 million in missed payments, plus interest.

The governor’s office provided few details in announcing her proposal. Its statement emphasized that current retirees’ benefits are not in danger and said the plan would “restore fiscal responsibility.”

“I look forward to

working across the aisle in pursuit of our common goal to get Kansas’ fiscal house in order,” Kelly said in her statement.

Conroy said Kelly’s plan would lower the regular annual payments to KPERS by nearly 27% during the 2021 budget year that begins July 1, saving $187 million. The annual dollar savings would grow after that.

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