GRRRL ASYLUM

Issue #4

Note From The Editor:

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A note from the Editor:

As many of you can see, we have been on hiatus for

about two months. I am the sole person currently

running this zine and sometimes unfortunately my day

to day life gets a little too full and I don’t always find

time to get to what really makes me happy.

In order to keep this from happening again. I am looking

to build a staff to help run things when I can’t get to

them so quickly. If you are interested in helping keep

this zine running smoothly, please email me at

grrrlssmashpatriarchy@gmail.com.

Thank you to all who were patient with me and have

stuck with us since day one. You have given me the

drive to make time because what we are doing

together is so important. When you share your voice,

your words, your stories, your art with our readers, you

incite change. You build community. You connect with

your fellow woman.

This issue focuses on our bodies. The good, the bad,

rants, raves and recovery.

*Some content in this issue may be triggering to some

due to: diet talk, eating disorders, body shaming, and

self-harm.

Happy reading GRRRLS!

-K

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Maddi Montero Amezaga

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I almost unfollowed all of my thinspo blogs

today.

By Emily

My father once told me that he had high hopes for me

And if I could just lose a little weight,

I wouldn’t end up like my sister.

And I’d find a good man

To love me.

My mother once told me

That she didn’t want me to hug her today

Because she felt too big.

Too much of her existed

To be touched

And to be loved.

And so my body became the monster

That hid under my bed

And in my closet at night.

The road to loving myself is painful and there are days

where there are comments

and there are memories

and there are triggers

and there are looks

and plates of food and family dinners

and nights out with friends

that amplify the voice of the demon that clings to my

back

and sinks its teeth into my neck

and in the worst kinds of whispers say

“because you have more,

you are less.

you will always be less.”

I still look in the mirror and see numbers

and words.

150 today.

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0 tomorrow.

100 the day after.

Problem areas.

Not as small as her.

He will not love me for much longer

unless i get down to 105.

Shame.

Melancholy.

i’ve wasted 10 years of my life

thinking i would start living tomorrow.

but when I look into my eyes now

I see a spirit that understands

and forgives

but doesn’t know how to live life

the way it was intended.

and I have shaved the follicles that sprout from my

beautiful skull

and i’ve wept.

And i see the full scowl my eyebrows hold

and the flesh on my knuckles are white.

I am a something different now.

I must touch my belly

And tell it that it is loved.

I must hold my arms

And say they are mine.

I must cup my breasts

And tell them they are enough.

i must look at my stretch marks

and in my mind,

kiss them.

you are enough.

I must look at myself in the mirror now

and say

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I’m sorry

For taking out my anguish

On you.

the truth spills from my heart.

If I’m ready to fight this world,

If I’m ready to fight for other girls,

I need to fight this.

I need to fight myself.

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“Fun In The Sun” - Cait

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"No Flowers from a Stranger" By: Eliz Ozden Portland, OR

My mother, she was called a whore By every man she tried to touch

With her tiny hands and skin so pale A heartbeat like a ladybug’s

Her mother said, don't be yourself Just wear orange, never black

Be exactly who you're not Then those men will love you back

So she grabbed a stranger’s dying tulips Left her home in Istanbul Set herself next to a ghost

Each year passing, twice as cruel My mother took the saddest bits

and made them have some meaning When everyone said otherwise,

her heart was ever gleaming "Only you can hope endanger

be yourself despite the madness, and take no flowers from a stranger."

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Home Grown

Sarah Byerley

February 26, 2014

My feet have never touched the land

that my grandmother came from

but I helped her work,

learned her lessons,

heard her stories,

and they all flow through my veins,

a part of who I am.

My mother never claimed to know everything

but she knew what was best for us,

how to care for us,

to worry for us,

taught us to be our best,

and her love flows through my veins,

a part of who I am.

I do not yet know who I am

but when I feel alone I close my eyes

and see the rows and rows of crops

growing tall and strong,

beside my grandmother’s house.

Crops to feed the hungry mouths,

crops to feed the hungry heart,

crops to feed the hungry soul,

stationed in the dirt turned by her hands,

turned by my mother’s hands,

turned by my sister’s hands,

and by mine.

It fuels me and it feeds me,

coursing through my veins,

giving me strength,

giving me comfort

to know that we are all home grown.

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panteha.tumblr.com

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Transgender: The Neuromatrix and the Sense of Self.

Ashley Ryan

One of the most frequent things I hear cisgender

people say when the topic of transgender people enters a

conversation is their refusal and/or inability to

understand how anyone could actually feel out of place

in their own body. Something called the neuromatrix,

which is a configuration of neurons in the brain that

generate patterns and process information and produces

patterns that give you the experience of your entire body,

can explain why this happens (Foley & Matlin, 2010).

Before I relate the neuromatrix to being

transgender, let me first relate this concept to the

phenomena of phantom limbs. People who have a limb

amputated often report still feeling as if they have a limb

there, despite the fact the limb has been removed. The

neuromatrix theory suggests that because neurons in

your brain create a map of your body, your brain will

still feel as though there is a limb there. The brain

continues to represent that missing limb because the

neural connections and patterns in the brain still exist.

The removal of an arm or a leg does not physically affect

the individual’s brain. This phenomenon isn’t limited to

amputees; people who are born without limbs often

experience phantom limbs as well. In addition to

phantom limbs there have also been reports of phantom

organs, phantom breasts and phantom penises. For

example, men who’ve had their penis amputated, usually

due to cancer, often report the existence of a phantom

penis.

This now leads us to being transgender.

Transgender people often report that they feel trapped in

the body of the wrong gender. The concept of the

neuromatrix can explain this. What has essentially

happened is their neuromatrix is inconsistent with their

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entire body. Scientists Ramachanran and McGeoch

tested their idea by hypothesizing that transgender folks

should be less likely than men with penis cancer to

report having a phantom penis after male-to-female

gender reassignment surgery (Foley & Matlin, 2010)..

Their data supported their hypothesis! So basically,

when a cisgender man with cancer has their penis

amputated, they report having a phantom penis because

their neuromatrix matches their body. When a

transgender individual (male-to-female gender

reassignment) has their penis removed, they do NOT

report having a phantom penis because their neuromatrix

doesn’t include male genitalia!

I believe that some cisgender people’s negative

reactions to transgender people are due to their total

ignorance on the topic and their complete lack of

understanding. People often fear what they don’t know

or what they don’t understand. This fear and inability to

understand makes it hard for them to empathize. Fear

and lack of empathy tend to be the primary emotions

behind discriminatory, rude and even hateful feelings,

behaviors, and attitudes toward transgender folks. I

believe if cisgender people were to understand the

science behind being transgender they would gain

empathy, understanding and insight. If you can place

yourself in someone else’s shoes, you’d be more likely

to be open-minded and accepting rather than hateful or

judgmental.

Citation: Foley, H., & Matlin, M. (2010) Sensation and

Perception. Boston: Pearson Education Inc.

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Feminism and Recovery by Eden Robinson

I'm proud to call myself a body-positive feminist.

It took a long time for me to see how the two are related. When I finally saw the connection, feminism became my lifesaver. I clung to it, and slowly began to climb back out of the quicksand pit of anorexia, binge eating disorder, and body hatred. I'm still in the healing process, and maintaining the "body positive" part often feels like a struggle.

As I recently thought about the relationship between feminist values and appreciating one's own body, I realized how much of feminism is essentially about body ownership. A huge part of feminism is believing that a woman always has complete ownership of her own body.

Most of what we fight against as feminists is essentially a belief that a woman's body can become someone else's property. We believe that a woman's ownership of her body cannot be transferred to a boyfriend, husband, or fetus. It cannot be transferred to a culture, society, or other women. It cannot be transferred to someone who finds the woman attractive, including her "nice guy" friend. It cannot be transferred to someone else who sees a panty line, skin blemish, or wrinkle. A woman's ownership of her body is not affected by what she is or isn't wearing. This ownership cannot be transferred to an industry

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that views certain body types as "acceptable" and others as "unacceptable". This helped me realize how body positivity is one of the ultimate acts of feminist defiance. It is feeling pride and love where misogyny expects us to feel shame and hatred. It is truly claiming one's body as one's own. I am still learning how to replace shame with love. I am still letting go of this cannibalistic obsession that devours time and energy. I am still realizing that my body is no one's but my own, and that how I feel in it is all that matters. My ultimate goal is to heal completely and then help other women find more moments of positivity in their own bodies.

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Why it’s Okay NOT to Love Your Body Sometimes

By Maria Hanophy

A friend of mine once told another friend that I

would probably have trouble getting through a recent

breakup because I wasn’t a strong person, and because

I didn’t have a high opinion of myself. I was not angry

because she called me weak, but rather because she

had judged my character based on how I viewed my

body. I did feel like a weak person at the time, but not

for the reasons she thought. Not once in my

relationship had I ever believed the boy when he called

me fat, ugly, or stupid. I knew I was beautiful. I knew I

was smart. My friends would constantly coo over me

and tell me how wrong he was, and how I should never

think less of myself because of him, but I didn’t. I

brushed off the comments about my physical

appearance. I told him to stop when he drummed on

my stomach and nicknamed me “Chubs.” I didn’t let him

get to me. But I sometimes let myself get to me.

My friend isn’t completely wrong. I don’t have a

very high opinion of myself. There are days when I think

I look like a hideous beast, and there are days when I

think I look like a fairytale princess. I don’t take

compliments well, and I never have. I think I could stand

to lose a few pounds. There are parts of my body that I

hate, and there are parts that I really like. But my

personal body image does not determine my strength.

The way I see it, you don’t have to love your body in

order to be a strong person. You are a strong person if

you make it out the door every morning. You are a

strong person if you think you look like a creature from

the bowels of hell without makeup, but you don’t wear

makeup today because you didn’t feel like putting it on.

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You are a strong person if you wear a dress you love

that exposes the thighs you hate. You are a strong

person if you are self-conscious but don’t let that stop

you from living. I have heard so many people, including

my friends, complain about self-conscious people and

how they are depressing and not fun to be around. But I

think there is nothing better than someone who

questions the social repercussions of everything he or

she does and still manages to do things. In my opinion,

the strongest people are those who continue on

although it’s difficult. Having low self-esteem or a poor

body image does not make a person weak; a person’s

strength comes from his or her determination to keep

going.

We live in a world dominated by people telling

us to diet, wear makeup, and do all kinds of things to

change how we look. Loving ourselves is incredibly

important, but it can also be difficult. No one should

ever feel bad for having low self-esteem, because that is

not what defines a person. I believe a person is defined

by what he or she puts out into the world and how he

or she impacts others. People who struggle with body

image issues but continue to get up every morning and

live their lives inspire me to do the same. I have friends

who are incredibly confident and happy even though

they don’t love their bodies, and through their

determination and passion, they remind me that I don’t

have to love what I see in the mirror, because I am

more than just a body.

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ARTIST INFO:

Leslie Borozck – Cover Photo: “ Haruko + Setsuna”, Page 14:

“Faces”, Page 17: “Snapshots”

TUMBLR: http://lb-lb-lb.tumblr.com

Maddi Montero Amezaga – Photo submission, page 2

TUMBLR: http://maddimontero.tumblr.com

Emily –“ I Almost Unfollowed All of My Thinspo Blogs Today”

TUMBLR: http://dumpsterhands.tumblr.com

Cait – Photo Submission : Fun In the Sun Page 6

TUMBLR: http://dare-i-be-free.tumblr.com

Eliz Oden –“No Flowers From A Stranger”

Sarah Byerly –“Homegrown”

TUMBLR: http://fem-for-thought.tumblr.com

Ashley – Trangender: The Neuromatrix and The Sense of Self

Eden Robinson – Feminism And Recovery

Maria Hanophy- Why Its Okay NOT To Love Your Body

Sometimes

TUMBLR: http://stronginsideandout.tumblr.com

NEXT MONTH’S THEMES: ADDICTION, CREATION

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