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Healthy Information from the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center May/June 2007
Non-Profit Org.U.S. Postage
PAIDPermit No. 644Des Moines, IA
Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life
is a publication of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, an inde-pendent, interfaith, not-for-profit organization. Celebrating 35 years of service to adults, families, adolescents, and children for the purpose of enhancing emotional, spiritual, and relationship health. The Center has satellite offices in Ankeny, Bedford, Lamoni, Lenox, Leon, Mt. Ayr and Osceola. Editor : Kathleen Murrin
Inside this issue: C.O.O.L. - Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life.
Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life ............................................................................................ pages 1-2Cool Corner ......................................................................................................................................................................page 2Cool Choices Club ........................................................................................................................................................page 2 Women Helping Women Annual Luncheon .................................................................................................page 3Pastoral Care Specialist Program – 2007-08 ..................................................................................................page 3Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center Foundation ...............................................................................page 4 Board of Directors .........................................................................................................................................................page 4 Autism and Socializing..................................................................................................................................................page 4
. . . continued on page 2
Children are born with varying degrees of potential for growth – physically, cognitively, emotionally, and relationally. They rely on and look to the adults in their environment to not only keep them safe, but to help in the monumental and awesome task of realizing their potential to understand and integrate the world around them. They are eager to connect and to please. They are eager to develop relationship. It is what they are born to do.
I am on the floor in the children’s waiting room at the Center picking up some toys and I notice an eight-year-old boy several feet away intently building with Lego blocks. His mother sits in the rocker close by slowly rocking, her face set in tired lines. The boy completes his masterpiece and raises his face to his mother. His eyes are shining as he exclaims, “Mom! Look at what I built!” Just then his therapist enters the room and greets the boy and his mother. His mother never looks at the boy or his masterpiece. She says hello to the therapist and says sharply to the boy, “Pick up that mess. Hurry up. You have to go.” The boy’s face falls, his body slumps. He knocks down his masterpiece.
We are much concerned in society today with providing safe physical environments for our children. This can be tricky while trying at the same time to nurture the child’s natural curiosity and sense of independence. If environments are too physically safe, children do not learn their limits very well nor do they learn to trust their bodies or their developing “self.”
Climbing, jumping, balancing result in a child’s feeling grounded and at one with the earth, which increases feelings of “I can-ness,” mastery and self-power. When a toddler begins to climb onto something and checks back with an adult, an encouraging, rather than fearful, response can convey not only a message of support but also of trust, e.g., “I trust that you can manage this.”
It is important to realize that “safety” involves not only management of the physical environment, but also involves psychological and emotional safety. This bigger picture of safety calls upon adults to provide:
• encouragement rather than limits, • praise rather than criticism, • patience rather than sarcasm,• negotiation rather than issuing edicts.
This bigger picture of safety also involves understanding that children do not possess the communication skills or experience to always adequately convey motivations or explanations. It means that adults recognize that children, of every age, are easily frightened and
2929 Westown Parkway, Suite 110 • West Des Moines, Iowa 50266
psychologically wounded.
At the Center, we see the consequences when children are not provided this kind of psychological and emotional safety. We see children who carry their bodies stiffly and shy away from touch. We also see children who are afraid to make a choice of a game
for fear of displeasing the adult or who will not try something new because they might get hurt or fail. We see what happens when the very things intended to protect become obstacles to growth. So, providing a safe environment also means providing time and space for kids to be who they are without fear of judgment, criticism, or too many limits. It means providing environments that are rich and ripe for exploration without fear of getting in trouble for getting dirty or hurt.
It seems that adults are so often concerned with “teaching a lesson” and/or discipline that they forget how it is that kids learn best: • by exploring, • by making mistakes, and • by being in caring, non-punitive relationships.
Kids learn through their relationships with other people and through physical interaction with the environment. Indeed, infants are neurologically “wired” to attunement with other people. They pick up on and respond to the emotional tones around them, as well as other sensory input. A harsh tone, a turning away from, a lack of acknowledgement of the infant or child – all have profound effects on the developing child throughout his/her life. For example, the child who learns that people cannot be relied upon to provide for basic needs may grow into an adult who has trouble with intimacy.
There is also the misbegotten idea that if a child misbehaves, punishment in the form of reprimand or time out or removal of privilege is required or the child will not “learn the lesson.”
The problems with the use of punishment are that:• the effects are usually temporary,• a whole host of emotional and physiological reactions are engendered that actually interfere with learning, and
• relationships are damaged.
This last issue - damage to relationships - has profound ramifications for future learning. If a child learns to not trust a significant adult, chances are the child is not going to learn from that adult anything other than how power impacts the relationship. For
Board of Directors Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center welcomes five new
members to the board of directors: Rhonda Fingerman, Iowa Inflammatory Bowel Disease Center; Kari Greenfield, Meredith Corporation; Jim Lawson, Wells Fargo Financial; Peter Percival, Wells Fargo Private Client Services; Randy Snider, Regency Homes. We are delighted to expand an already excellent active board with the energy and expertise of these fine individuals.
New board officers for 2007 are: Rev. Tim Diebel, President; Laura Sands, President Elect; Kim Waltman, Secretary; and Cheryl Rigler, Treasurer.
The Center thanks retiring board members Jackie Goettsch, Roger Grefe, Gloria Hoffmann, Bob Mann, and Peter Olson for their years of service and dedication to the work of the Center.
The Center’s board of directors is the Center’s greatest asset for ensuring that the Center is a place for understanding, healing and hope ~ for everyone.
The child who asks , “What do you think of
my building/ar twork/etc?” is really asking,
“What do you think of me?”
Self Portrait “Let me show you who I am.”
Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center FOUNDATION It is time to create your legacy of hope and healing.
◊ Whatever it is that you value in life, use your assets to help ensure your continuing care after your life.
◊ Reading this newsletter, you must know that your gift to our endowment would extend your helping hand and healing presence well into the future.
◊ Consider designating the Center’s Foundation (EIN#42-1449470) as a beneficiary in your will and/or your retirement fund.
“When we do the best we can,
we never know what miracle is wrought in our life,
or in the life of another.”~ Helen Keller
Autism and SocializingGracePercival,pediatricpsychologistattheDesMoinesPastoralCounselingCenter’sC.O.O.L.program,isgatheringcommunitymemberstobeginadialogueaboutsocialopportunitiesforyoungadultswithAutismSpectrumDisorders.Formingfriendshipsorpeerrelationshipsandparticipatinginsocialandrecreationalactivitiescanbeverychallengingforyoungadultswithautism.Thegoalsoftheinitialconversationare:◊ toidentifysocialactivitiesforyoungadultswithAutism/PDD-NOS/AspergerSyndromeand◊ todevelopanetworkingsystemforfamiliesincentralIowathatmightneedaccesstosuchsocialopportunities.Ifyouwouldlikemoreinformation,pleasecallGraceattheCenter(274-4006).
2 3
continued from page 1. . .
example, a child learns that bigger people have power and can use force; little people are not listened to; there are right ways of doing things and wrong ways and nothing in between; what the adult says goes and it does not matter what the child thinks or feels.
Most people reading this may think, “Well, I never act like that.” However, think about the last time you were playing a board game with a kid and the kid changed the rules in the middle of the game; or when the three-year-old decided to climb onto the counter to get something out of the cupboard; or the 12-year-old tried to recreate a science experiment with a plastic pop bottle, tin foil, and matches; or the 16-year-old stayed out past curfew. What was your response? Were you reactive out of fear or anger or were you responsive, pointing out consequences of their behavior?
Children require physical, social, and emotional environments that trust their innate capacity for growing, learning, and relating. Our job as adults in relationship with children is to nurture these bright young spirited beings through the obstacles that life throws at them. Our role is about being a guide on the side, rather than a sage on the stage. It’s about taking the back seat and relinquishing the spotlight. It’s about giving and it’s about giving up – sleep, that new thing, my time, my fears….
I am standing on a stool in the kitchen full of all my four-year-old know-how, trying to separate an egg. My mother’s hands are on either side of the bowl; she must have been standing behind me. Her words in my ear encouraged me to pour the egg from one shell to the other. Her hands never touched mine. She was present but she let me separate the egg, with yoke splitting, yellow mixing with white, and flecks of shell falling.
Grace Percival, M.A.Grace is a licensed pediatric psychologist in the Center’s
C.O.O.L. program.Grace holds a master of arts degree in behavior analysis from Drake University. Grace
provides counseling to children of all ages, with a special interest in developmental disabilities and chronic illness in children.
C.O.O.L. stands for Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life.
C.O.O.L. has five child therapists who create a safe and nurturing environment to facilitate the natural growth and healing potential of children and adolescents. C.O.O.L.
counselors recognize that kids are not miniature adults. C.O.O.L. staff provide a variety of services for children and their families,
including individual counseling, parent training, testing of children, and presentations within the community.
ResourcesHolt, John (1995, revised ed). How Children Learn. NY: Perseus Publishing.Karen, Robert (1994). Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape
Our Capacity to Love. NY: Oxford University Press. Standing, E.M. (1998, New Ed). Maria Montessori: Her Life and Work.
NY: Plume Publishing.
C.O.O.L. Choices Club Childrentodayarefacedwithamyriadofobstaclestogrowthandhealthposedbytheworldinwhichwelive.◊Many foods and beverages are loaded with sugars andtaintedwith additives ~ hormones and antibiotics, dyes,preservatives,andotherchemicals.◊Processedfoodtendstobeverypoorinnutrition.◊The advent of electronic technology has supplanted theenjoyment of both the outdoors and imagination forentertainment.◊Theeconomicsofsurvivalmeanlongerworkhoursandmorechaoticschedulesforfamilies.◊Thereseemstobenotenoughtimefortheactivitiesofdailylivingletalonetimeforattunementandplaywithourchildren.◊Chronicstressdisruptstheamountandqualityofsleep.Thus,thebasicnecessitiesoffood,sleep,exercise,and
human affection are frequently disrupted. This results inphysiologicalproblems,andalsoinproblemsregulatingemotion,inhibitingimpulses,payingattention,andformingrelationships.ThisyeartheCenter’schildandadolescentcounselorsinC.O.O.L.(ChildrenOvercomingtheObstaclesofLife)launchedtheC.O.O.L. Choices Club, ourefforttohelpchildrenandtheirparentslearntomakehealthierchoicesintermsofeating,exercise,sleeping,andrelationship.AnyfamilywhoreceivescounselingservicesatC.O.O.L.canjointheC.O.O.L. Choices Club.
Onceachild/familyexpressesthedesiretojointheClub,thatinterestistranslatedintoconcretegoalswiththehelpoftheirC.O.O.L.therapist.ThesegoalsandtargetcompletiondatesarepostedinC.O.O.L.andrevisitedateachcounselingsession.WiththegeneroussupportofagrantfromVariety ~ The Children’s Charity of Iowa,t-shirtsandbaseballcapswithaC.O.O.L. Choices Clubdesignonthemaretheincentivesearnedwhenkidscompletetheirgoals.Todayfivechildrenareintheprocessofearningtheirrewardsforincreasingtheirlevelofexercise.WeareexcitedaboutwatchingthisprogramgrowatC.O.O.L.!
C.O.O.L.CornerChildrenOvercomingtheObstaclesofLife
Forchildrentoovercometheobstaclesoflife,theymustfeelsafeandnurtured.Asadultsinthelivesofchildren,wemustbevigilantinoureffortstoprovideenvironmentsthat:◊ arephysically,psychologically,andemotionallysafe.◊ areencouragingandreinforcingratherthanlimitingandpunitive.
◊ encouragecreativityratherthanaccuracy(thelatterwillcome!).
◊ understandthattruelearningoccursthroughthemakingofmistakes.
◊ trusttheinnategrowingandgreeningofyounglife.
Pastoral Care Specialist Program – 2007-08The Ministry Resource Center of the Des Moines Pastoral
Counseling Center will again offer this competency-enhancing two-year program. The Pastoral Care Specialist Program is designed for the professional development and renewal of pastors, chaplains, and lay persons involved in ministries of pastoral care. Participants meet monthly to learn about areas critical to effective pastoral care, and to receive support, encouragement, and consultation on their work. Participants can solidify what they already do well and integrate new knowledge and skills into their ministries. Seminar topics vary each year.
The program begins the second Tuesday of September (September 11, 2007) and runs through the second Tuesday of June (June 10, 2008). Participants meet from 8:45 a.m. to 12:00 noon. Tuition for the program
is $500 for each of the two years. The deadline for registrations is September 1, 2007. Registration is limited.
This program is designed to meet some of the requirements for certification by the American Association of Pastoral Counselors as a Pastoral Care Specialist. Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary also offers academic credit for participation in the program for those enrolled in its Doctor of Ministry Program in Theology and Leadership.
For additional information and registration forms, contact J. Jeffrey Means, Ph.D., Director of Professional Education, at the Center (515-274-4006), or check the Center’s website, www.dmpcc.org/classes/classes.html.
We also deeply appreciate the steadfast support of our other underwriting organizations, The Vicky Daniel Real Estate Team, Family Communication Associates, Kemin Industries, The Lagniappe, and West Bank, as well as the in-kind support of Candace Alvestad Graphic Design, Business Publications Corporation, and Pure Paper.
Bouquets to the event volunteer committee: Starr Hinrichs, Meg Joseph, Jackie Goettsch, and Mary Kramer.
And many thanks to the 138 women who to date have made a donation to the Women Helping Women Fund to help other women and girls struggling with their own very personal and painful journeys while “Carrying On” with very limited resources.
You, too, could help the Center in this meaningful work by making your contribution to the Women Helping Women Fund. Your gift ensures access to quality, affordable counseling at critical moments in the lives of women and girls.
Since 1999, the Center has sponsored an annual luncheon to raise awareness of our work with women and to generate funds to help subsidize counseling for moderate- and lower-income women and girls.
PLANS FOR THE 2008 TENTH ANNUAL WOMEN HELPING WOMEN LUNCHEON ARE ALREADY UNDERWAY.
An overflow crowd of 400 enjoyed the inspiring presentation, “Carrying On” (through loss), by this year’s guest speaker at the Women Helping Women luncheon, held March 9, 2007. Rekha Basu spoke eloquently and from the heart about her personal experience of women helping women as she was “Carrying On” with her life after the death of her husband, fellow columnist Rob Borsellino.
We at the Center are incredibly grateful for the generous support given to Women Helping Women by our major underwriter, Meredith Corporation.
Women Helping Women Ninth Annual Luncheon ~ A Huge Success
Kathleen Murrin and Rekha Basu
Jennifer Hermson and Vania Quiroz
Ellen de Lathouder and Michelle Lange
2 3
continued from page 1. . .
example, a child learns that bigger people have power and can use force; little people are not listened to; there are right ways of doing things and wrong ways and nothing in between; what the adult says goes and it does not matter what the child thinks or feels.
Most people reading this may think, “Well, I never act like that.” However, think about the last time you were playing a board game with a kid and the kid changed the rules in the middle of the game; or when the three-year-old decided to climb onto the counter to get something out of the cupboard; or the 12-year-old tried to recreate a science experiment with a plastic pop bottle, tin foil, and matches; or the 16-year-old stayed out past curfew. What was your response? Were you reactive out of fear or anger or were you responsive, pointing out consequences of their behavior?
Children require physical, social, and emotional environments that trust their innate capacity for growing, learning, and relating. Our job as adults in relationship with children is to nurture these bright young spirited beings through the obstacles that life throws at them. Our role is about being a guide on the side, rather than a sage on the stage. It’s about taking the back seat and relinquishing the spotlight. It’s about giving and it’s about giving up – sleep, that new thing, my time, my fears….
I am standing on a stool in the kitchen full of all my four-year-old know-how, trying to separate an egg. My mother’s hands are on either side of the bowl; she must have been standing behind me. Her words in my ear encouraged me to pour the egg from one shell to the other. Her hands never touched mine. She was present but she let me separate the egg, with yoke splitting, yellow mixing with white, and flecks of shell falling.
Grace Percival, M.A.Grace is a licensed pediatric psychologist in the Center’s
C.O.O.L. program.Grace holds a master of arts degree in behavior analysis from Drake University. Grace
provides counseling to children of all ages, with a special interest in developmental disabilities and chronic illness in children.
C.O.O.L. stands for Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life.
C.O.O.L. has five child therapists who create a safe and nurturing environment to facilitate the natural growth and healing potential of children and adolescents. C.O.O.L.
counselors recognize that kids are not miniature adults. C.O.O.L. staff provide a variety of services for children and their families,
including individual counseling, parent training, testing of children, and presentations within the community.
ResourcesHolt, John (1995, revised ed). How Children Learn. NY: Perseus Publishing.Karen, Robert (1994). Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape
Our Capacity to Love. NY: Oxford University Press. Standing, E.M. (1998, New Ed). Maria Montessori: Her Life and Work.
NY: Plume Publishing.
C.O.O.L. Choices Club Childrentodayarefacedwithamyriadofobstaclestogrowthandhealthposedbytheworldinwhichwelive.◊Many foods and beverages are loaded with sugars andtaintedwith additives ~ hormones and antibiotics, dyes,preservatives,andotherchemicals.◊Processedfoodtendstobeverypoorinnutrition.◊The advent of electronic technology has supplanted theenjoyment of both the outdoors and imagination forentertainment.◊Theeconomicsofsurvivalmeanlongerworkhoursandmorechaoticschedulesforfamilies.◊Thereseemstobenotenoughtimefortheactivitiesofdailylivingletalonetimeforattunementandplaywithourchildren.◊Chronicstressdisruptstheamountandqualityofsleep.Thus,thebasicnecessitiesoffood,sleep,exercise,and
human affection are frequently disrupted. This results inphysiologicalproblems,andalsoinproblemsregulatingemotion,inhibitingimpulses,payingattention,andformingrelationships.ThisyeartheCenter’schildandadolescentcounselorsinC.O.O.L.(ChildrenOvercomingtheObstaclesofLife)launchedtheC.O.O.L. Choices Club, ourefforttohelpchildrenandtheirparentslearntomakehealthierchoicesintermsofeating,exercise,sleeping,andrelationship.AnyfamilywhoreceivescounselingservicesatC.O.O.L.canjointheC.O.O.L. Choices Club.
Onceachild/familyexpressesthedesiretojointheClub,thatinterestistranslatedintoconcretegoalswiththehelpoftheirC.O.O.L.therapist.ThesegoalsandtargetcompletiondatesarepostedinC.O.O.L.andrevisitedateachcounselingsession.WiththegeneroussupportofagrantfromVariety ~ The Children’s Charity of Iowa,t-shirtsandbaseballcapswithaC.O.O.L. Choices Clubdesignonthemaretheincentivesearnedwhenkidscompletetheirgoals.Todayfivechildrenareintheprocessofearningtheirrewardsforincreasingtheirlevelofexercise.WeareexcitedaboutwatchingthisprogramgrowatC.O.O.L.!
C.O.O.L.CornerChildrenOvercomingtheObstaclesofLife
Forchildrentoovercometheobstaclesoflife,theymustfeelsafeandnurtured.Asadultsinthelivesofchildren,wemustbevigilantinoureffortstoprovideenvironmentsthat:◊ arephysically,psychologically,andemotionallysafe.◊ areencouragingandreinforcingratherthanlimitingandpunitive.
◊ encouragecreativityratherthanaccuracy(thelatterwillcome!).
◊ understandthattruelearningoccursthroughthemakingofmistakes.
◊ trusttheinnategrowingandgreeningofyounglife.
Pastoral Care Specialist Program – 2007-08The Ministry Resource Center of the Des Moines Pastoral
Counseling Center will again offer this competency-enhancing two-year program. The Pastoral Care Specialist Program is designed for the professional development and renewal of pastors, chaplains, and lay persons involved in ministries of pastoral care. Participants meet monthly to learn about areas critical to effective pastoral care, and to receive support, encouragement, and consultation on their work. Participants can solidify what they already do well and integrate new knowledge and skills into their ministries. Seminar topics vary each year.
The program begins the second Tuesday of September (September 11, 2007) and runs through the second Tuesday of June (June 10, 2008). Participants meet from 8:45 a.m. to 12:00 noon. Tuition for the program
is $500 for each of the two years. The deadline for registrations is September 1, 2007. Registration is limited.
This program is designed to meet some of the requirements for certification by the American Association of Pastoral Counselors as a Pastoral Care Specialist. Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary also offers academic credit for participation in the program for those enrolled in its Doctor of Ministry Program in Theology and Leadership.
For additional information and registration forms, contact J. Jeffrey Means, Ph.D., Director of Professional Education, at the Center (515-274-4006), or check the Center’s website, www.dmpcc.org/classes/classes.html.
We also deeply appreciate the steadfast support of our other underwriting organizations, The Vicky Daniel Real Estate Team, Family Communication Associates, Kemin Industries, The Lagniappe, and West Bank, as well as the in-kind support of Candace Alvestad Graphic Design, Business Publications Corporation, and Pure Paper.
Bouquets to the event volunteer committee: Starr Hinrichs, Meg Joseph, Jackie Goettsch, and Mary Kramer.
And many thanks to the 138 women who to date have made a donation to the Women Helping Women Fund to help other women and girls struggling with their own very personal and painful journeys while “Carrying On” with very limited resources.
You, too, could help the Center in this meaningful work by making your contribution to the Women Helping Women Fund. Your gift ensures access to quality, affordable counseling at critical moments in the lives of women and girls.
Since 1999, the Center has sponsored an annual luncheon to raise awareness of our work with women and to generate funds to help subsidize counseling for moderate- and lower-income women and girls.
PLANS FOR THE 2008 TENTH ANNUAL WOMEN HELPING WOMEN LUNCHEON ARE ALREADY UNDERWAY.
An overflow crowd of 400 enjoyed the inspiring presentation, “Carrying On” (through loss), by this year’s guest speaker at the Women Helping Women luncheon, held March 9, 2007. Rekha Basu spoke eloquently and from the heart about her personal experience of women helping women as she was “Carrying On” with her life after the death of her husband, fellow columnist Rob Borsellino.
We at the Center are incredibly grateful for the generous support given to Women Helping Women by our major underwriter, Meredith Corporation.
Women Helping Women Ninth Annual Luncheon ~ A Huge Success
Kathleen Murrin and Rekha Basu
Jennifer Hermson and Vania Quiroz
Ellen de Lathouder and Michelle Lange
Healthy Information from the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center May/June 2007
Non-Profit Org.U.S. Postage
PAIDPermit No. 644Des Moines, IA
Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life
is a publication of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, an inde-pendent, interfaith, not-for-profit organization. Celebrating 35 years of service to adults, families, adolescents, and children for the purpose of enhancing emotional, spiritual, and relationship health. The Center has satellite offices in Ankeny, Bedford, Lamoni, Lenox, Leon, Mt. Ayr and Osceola. Editor : Kathleen Murrin
Inside this issue: C.O.O.L. - Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life.
Children Overcoming the Obstacles of Life ............................................................................................ pages 1-2Cool Corner ......................................................................................................................................................................page 2Cool Choices Club ........................................................................................................................................................page 2 Women Helping Women Annual Luncheon .................................................................................................page 3Pastoral Care Specialist Program – 2007-08 ..................................................................................................page 3Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center Foundation ...............................................................................page 4 Board of Directors .........................................................................................................................................................page 4 Autism and Socializing..................................................................................................................................................page 4
. . . continued on page 2
Children are born with varying degrees of potential for growth – physically, cognitively, emotionally, and relationally. They rely on and look to the adults in their environment to not only keep them safe, but to help in the monumental and awesome task of realizing their potential to understand and integrate the world around them. They are eager to connect and to please. They are eager to develop relationship. It is what they are born to do.
I am on the floor in the children’s waiting room at the Center picking up some toys and I notice an eight-year-old boy several feet away intently building with Lego blocks. His mother sits in the rocker close by slowly rocking, her face set in tired lines. The boy completes his masterpiece and raises his face to his mother. His eyes are shining as he exclaims, “Mom! Look at what I built!” Just then his therapist enters the room and greets the boy and his mother. His mother never looks at the boy or his masterpiece. She says hello to the therapist and says sharply to the boy, “Pick up that mess. Hurry up. You have to go.” The boy’s face falls, his body slumps. He knocks down his masterpiece.
We are much concerned in society today with providing safe physical environments for our children. This can be tricky while trying at the same time to nurture the child’s natural curiosity and sense of independence. If environments are too physically safe, children do not learn their limits very well nor do they learn to trust their bodies or their developing “self.”
Climbing, jumping, balancing result in a child’s feeling grounded and at one with the earth, which increases feelings of “I can-ness,” mastery and self-power. When a toddler begins to climb onto something and checks back with an adult, an encouraging, rather than fearful, response can convey not only a message of support but also of trust, e.g., “I trust that you can manage this.”
It is important to realize that “safety” involves not only management of the physical environment, but also involves psychological and emotional safety. This bigger picture of safety calls upon adults to provide:
• encouragement rather than limits, • praise rather than criticism, • patience rather than sarcasm,• negotiation rather than issuing edicts.
This bigger picture of safety also involves understanding that children do not possess the communication skills or experience to always adequately convey motivations or explanations. It means that adults recognize that children, of every age, are easily frightened and
2929 Westown Parkway, Suite 110 • West Des Moines, Iowa 50266
psychologically wounded.
At the Center, we see the consequences when children are not provided this kind of psychological and emotional safety. We see children who carry their bodies stiffly and shy away from touch. We also see children who are afraid to make a choice of a game
for fear of displeasing the adult or who will not try something new because they might get hurt or fail. We see what happens when the very things intended to protect become obstacles to growth. So, providing a safe environment also means providing time and space for kids to be who they are without fear of judgment, criticism, or too many limits. It means providing environments that are rich and ripe for exploration without fear of getting in trouble for getting dirty or hurt.
It seems that adults are so often concerned with “teaching a lesson” and/or discipline that they forget how it is that kids learn best: • by exploring, • by making mistakes, and • by being in caring, non-punitive relationships.
Kids learn through their relationships with other people and through physical interaction with the environment. Indeed, infants are neurologically “wired” to attunement with other people. They pick up on and respond to the emotional tones around them, as well as other sensory input. A harsh tone, a turning away from, a lack of acknowledgement of the infant or child – all have profound effects on the developing child throughout his/her life. For example, the child who learns that people cannot be relied upon to provide for basic needs may grow into an adult who has trouble with intimacy.
There is also the misbegotten idea that if a child misbehaves, punishment in the form of reprimand or time out or removal of privilege is required or the child will not “learn the lesson.”
The problems with the use of punishment are that:• the effects are usually temporary,• a whole host of emotional and physiological reactions are engendered that actually interfere with learning, and
• relationships are damaged.
This last issue - damage to relationships - has profound ramifications for future learning. If a child learns to not trust a significant adult, chances are the child is not going to learn from that adult anything other than how power impacts the relationship. For
Board of Directors Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center welcomes five new
members to the board of directors: Rhonda Fingerman, Iowa Inflammatory Bowel Disease Center; Kari Greenfield, Meredith Corporation; Jim Lawson, Wells Fargo Financial; Peter Percival, Wells Fargo Private Client Services; Randy Snider, Regency Homes. We are delighted to expand an already excellent active board with the energy and expertise of these fine individuals.
New board officers for 2007 are: Rev. Tim Diebel, President; Laura Sands, President Elect; Kim Waltman, Secretary; and Cheryl Rigler, Treasurer.
The Center thanks retiring board members Jackie Goettsch, Roger Grefe, Gloria Hoffmann, Bob Mann, and Peter Olson for their years of service and dedication to the work of the Center.
The Center’s board of directors is the Center’s greatest asset for ensuring that the Center is a place for understanding, healing and hope ~ for everyone.
The child who asks , “What do you think of
my building/ar twork/etc?” is really asking,
“What do you think of me?”
Self Portrait “Let me show you who I am.”
Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center FOUNDATION It is time to create your legacy of hope and healing.
◊ Whatever it is that you value in life, use your assets to help ensure your continuing care after your life.
◊ Reading this newsletter, you must know that your gift to our endowment would extend your helping hand and healing presence well into the future.
◊ Consider designating the Center’s Foundation (EIN#42-1449470) as a beneficiary in your will and/or your retirement fund.
“When we do the best we can,
we never know what miracle is wrought in our life,
or in the life of another.”~ Helen Keller
Autism and SocializingGracePercival,pediatricpsychologistattheDesMoinesPastoralCounselingCenter’sC.O.O.L.program,isgatheringcommunitymemberstobeginadialogueaboutsocialopportunitiesforyoungadultswithAutismSpectrumDisorders.Formingfriendshipsorpeerrelationshipsandparticipatinginsocialandrecreationalactivitiescanbeverychallengingforyoungadultswithautism.Thegoalsoftheinitialconversationare:◊ toidentifysocialactivitiesforyoungadultswithAutism/PDD-NOS/AspergerSyndromeand◊ todevelopanetworkingsystemforfamiliesincentralIowathatmightneedaccesstosuchsocialopportunities.Ifyouwouldlikemoreinformation,pleasecallGraceattheCenter(274-4006).
