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High School Informative Prompts

Table of Contents

High School Informative Prompts ............................................................................................................... 2 A Dinner Menu ........................................................................................................................................... 4 A Healthy Change .................................................................................................................................... 15 A Letter to Your Grandchildren: The World Today ................................................................................. 24 A Moment in History ................................................................................................................................ 35 A Revolution’s Effect on Society ............................................................................................................. 44 Acting on the State of the Union Address ................................................................................................ 60 Advice to a Presidential Candidate ........................................................................................................... 77 African Imperialism .................................................................................................................................. 88 American Presidents ............................................................................................................................... 105 An Ethical Dilemma: Job Recommendation........................................................................................... 115 Business Letter to a Restaurant ............................................................................................................... 132 Career Goals ........................................................................................................................................... 148 Cause and Effect in the Revolutionary War ........................................................................................... 156 Change A Historical Event ..................................................................................................................... 174 Character Traits ...................................................................................................................................... 187 Choose a New Genetic Trait ................................................................................................................... 195 Choosing a Speaker for Your School ..................................................................................................... 210 College Admissions: Controversial Social Issues ................................................................................... 219 College Admissions: Financial Planning ................................................................................................ 229 College Admissions: Personal Statement ............................................................................................... 246 Community Service Requirement ........................................................................................................... 265 Creating a Budget ................................................................................................................................... 280 Crossing the Rubicon: A Fateful Decision ............................................................................................. 295 Describing a Meaningful Holiday........................................................................................................... 305 Designing the Ideal School Building ...................................................................................................... 321 Effect of the Black Death in Middle Ages Europe ................................................................................. 329 Effects of Technology ............................................................................................................................ 346 Effects of the Automobile ....................................................................................................................... 354 Failure before Success ............................................................................................................................ 362 Favorite Villain ....................................................................................................................................... 379 Features of a Major World Religion ....................................................................................................... 389 First Day on the Job ................................................................................................................................ 404 Global Warming ..................................................................................................................................... 420 Growing Towards Maturity .................................................................................................................... 436 Handling Disruptive Behavior ................................................................................................................ 451 Healthy Relationships ............................................................................................................................. 469 Helping a Friend in Math Class .............................................................................................................. 486 Historical Periods in Time ...................................................................................................................... 502 Importance of Family ............................................................................................................................. 519 In-School Music ..................................................................................................................................... 533 Making Science Fiction a Reality ........................................................................................................... 541 Memorable Places................................................................................................................................... 558 One-Hundred Years of Change .............................................................................................................. 567 Owning a Business ................................................................................................................................. 575 Perceptions of Prejudice ......................................................................................................................... 590 Power Sources in the Year 2050 ............................................................................................................. 599 Qualities in Adults You Admire ............................................................................................................. 608 Self-Evaluation Reflection...................................................................................................................... 622 The Definition of Integrity...................................................................................................................... 631

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The Future of Your Chosen Career......................................................................................................... 641 The Holocaust: Systems of Persecution .................................................................................................. 649 The Ideal Winter Break .......................................................................................................................... 659 The Person You Most Admire ................................................................................................................ 676 The Sense You Could Live Without ....................................................................................................... 684 What Decade Would You Like to Experience? ...................................................................................... 695 What Makes a Person an American? ...................................................................................................... 711 World War I: A Turning Point ................................................................................................................ 720 Your Goals.............................................................................................................................................. 739 Your Legacy ........................................................................................................................................... 755 Your Unique Name ................................................................................................................................. 772

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A Dinner Menu

You are preparing a dinner menu to celebrate a special occasion and need to decide what food you will

serve to your friends. Describe each of the foods you will include on your menu and explain why you

made the choices you did. Describe how you will present the meal to your friends.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Can you imagine twenty five years of unconditional love to one another? As this coming month is rapidly

approaching, I have been reminded of our good friends, Jane and Bob's 25th wedding anniversary on

November fifth. I feel they deserve an intimate dinner party surrounded by all of you, their very dear and

close friends. Our gathering will be on Wednesday, November 1st, and will begin at five o'clock in the

evening, in my home. This will be a surprise to Jane and Bob because they believe we are just having an

evening out at their favorite restaurant. What a joy it will be to see their faces as they enter our home, and

realize that we have all come together to celebrate the greatness of their twenty five years of marriage.

The celebration will initially get underway with some special hors d'oevres including fresh mushroom caps

stuffed with a lovely blue cheese filling, a warm crab dip served with soft pita chips, and a warm cheddar

cheese fondue served with pieces of French bread. I have chosen these warm hors d'oevres to take the chill

off the cool, crisp November weather. These will be available to everyone upon arrival to the house and up

until the time dinner is served in the formal dinning room. They will be served on warmers around the

living room area. Drinks of all types will be located in the bar area of the living room. I will also be

serving a hot apple cider and a variety of hot herbal teas, knowing your appreciation of these. A special

drink will be served during dinner, if you so choose to imbibe the alcoholic variety.

Soft dinner music will be featured throughout the house, and I've asked our local florist to decorate the

home in shades of yellow, oranges, and reds. Feel free to socialize and stroll through our home while we

await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes

to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal dining room for a meal to remember. Dinner will be

served on my grandmother's beautiful china set which I have inherited and only use for supreme, special

occasions. We will first have a champagne toast and our good friend and minister, John, will lead us in a

dinner prayer.

Our meal will start with a Caesar salad complete with anchovies and homemade dressing and croutons. I

would like to serve this due to Jane's love of this particular salad. With salads finished, we will move on to

the main course of prime rib, garlic mashed potatoes, and lightly sauteed asparagus tips. I will be getting

the appropriate sized prime rib from the butcher when I have a final attendance count. The butcher is

working with me to ensure that we have the right amount of meat and also, to be able to serve everyone

their desired preference of well, medium, or rare. I'm choosing prime rib, not simply for the simplicity of

the meat, but so that I may also enjoy and socialize with everyone. The wonderful flavor and aroma of the

meat was also a solid reason for this defined choice. The garlic potatoes are just a favorite of mine that are

an easy to-do ahead-of-time potato, which then will be piped onto the plates to make a beautiful

impression. Sauteed asparagus tips are so easy, fast, and tasty; and the added bonus involves the color of

these tips accentuating the fine china plate patterns.

Drinks with the meal will be at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot wine at the

meal if you so choose to accept. I am serving the Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my

favorite wine store, who assures me, it will truly enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and

impressive way. There will also be the usual water goblets filled with water and lemon at every setting.

5



Dessert will be buffet style, back in the living room. There will be a table filled with various desserts from

chocolate mousse to cakes and pies. This way, while everyone is winding down, they may sit back and

enjoy a cup of warm coffee or tea, and a dessert or two.

I hope to make Jane and Bob's twenty-fifth anniversary an affair to remember. I sincerely hope that you can

all attend and join in their happiness as we celebrate their wonderful life together.

Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an

insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience.

Furthermore, the writer completes and goes beyond the limits of the task. Specifically, the writer grabs the

readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction.

(“Can you imagine twenty five years of unconditional love to one another?”) The essay is very effectively

focused on the controlling idea with details about a social gathering and a menu for the occasion. (“I feel

they deserve an intimate dinner party surrounded by all of you, their very dear and close friends. Our

gathering will be on Wednesday, November 1st, and will begin at five o'clock in the evening, in my

home.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea in an effective manner.

(“The celebration will initially get underway with some special hors d'oevres including fresh mushroom

caps stuffed with a lovely blue cheese filling, a warm crab dip served with soft pita chips, and a warm

cheddar cheese fondue served with pieces of French bread.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide

variety of appropriate details to support his/her ideas. In particular, supporting details develop examples

well. (“Our meal will start with a Caesar salad complete with anchovies and homemade dressing and

croutons. I would like to serve this due to Jane's love of this particular salad.”) The content in the body

paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Drinks with the meal will be

at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot wine at the meal if you so choose to accept.

I am serving the Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my favorite wine store, who assures me, it

will truly enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and impressive way.”) Specific information about

food items is developed very effectively. (“I have chosen these warm hors d'oevres to take the chill off the

cool, crisp November weather. These will be available to everyone upon arrival to the house and up until

the time dinner is served in the formal dinning room.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an

engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; also, effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices

is seen throughout. Primarily, the essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. (“Can you imagine

twenty five years of unconditional love to one another? As this coming month is rapidly approaching, I

have been reminded of our good friends, Jane and Bob's 25th wedding anniversary on November fifth. I

feel they deserve an intimate dinner party. . . .”) The introduction also includes very effective background

information about the topic. (“This will be a surprise to Jane and Bob because they believe we are just

having an evening out at their favorite restaurant. What a joy it will be to see their faces as they enter our

home, and realize that we have all come together to celebrate the greatness of their twenty five years of

marriage.”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“I hope to make Jane and Bob's twenty-

fifth anniversary an affair to remember. I sincerely hope that you can all attend and join in their happiness

as we celebrate their wonderful life together.”)

6



Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language

and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured

and varied sentences. Specifically, the language and tone are consistent in the essay. (“I am serving the

Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my favorite wine store, who assures me, it will truly

enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and impressive way. There will also be the usual water

goblets filled with water and lemon at every setting.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly

understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the

controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Soft dinner music will be featured throughout the house,

and I've asked our local florist to decorate the home in shades of yellow, oranges, and reds. Feel free to

socialize and stroll through our home while we await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees

arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal

dining room for a meal to remember.”) Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used

effectively. (“Drinks with the meal will be at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot

wine at the meal if you so choose to accept.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in

grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an

action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and

each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Feel free to socialize and stroll through our home while we

await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes

to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal dining room for a meal to remember. Dinner will be

served on my grandmother's beautiful china set which I have inherited and only use for supreme, special

occasions. We will first have a champagne toast and our good friend and minister, John, will lead us in a

dinner prayer.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me. If I were to prepare a dinner menu for my friends, it

would be food that basically everyone loves. This would not be some super expensive, extremely formal

type dinner either. This would be the kind of dinner that people just come over to eat and just have fun

without feeling they are going to embarrass themselves in the middle of an extremely nice place. Dinner is

the best meal to make an impression on everyone. Because big dinners usually take a long time to prepare

for, my dinner will take just a few moments to get everything in order. I would simply just get the food and

come home, then put the food on the table and wait on the guests. The hardest part would be to make sure

the house is clean and worthy enough for others to lay eyes on it.

The first thing every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think about it, is to make sure the place

that is holding the dinner is acceptable in all aspects. This will probably be the longest part of preparation

and the hardest. With this step done, the rest will be easy to get ready for. I will first then get the main

course and make sure there is enough for everyone to stuff their faces. My main course would have to be

stuffed crust, cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. I would get about six large cheese pizzas for everyone to enjoy

because almost everyone loves cheese pizza.

Cheese pizza will have to be my main part of the meal. If people want something a little bit more of

something beside pizza, they will have the option of eating some nachos and a cheese. The chips would

have to be Nacho Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip made out of real cheese. This is the best

kind of the nachos and cheese you can get. I will make enough to fill up the people who possibly didn't eat

7



the pizza. Whatever is leftover and more will not go to waste, I will eat the rest of the nachos until not one

chip is left.

The last part of the meal will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This

special dessert is called her "Death by Chocolate Cake." The cake is made completely of almost any

chocolate food there is including: a double layer devil's chocolate cake, chocolate pudding, chocolate icing,

chocolate sprinkles, chocolate cookies, and chocolate whipped cream. My mom's cake is so fattening and

good that it is hard to finish a single slice of the cake. The cake usually will stay in our refrigerator for a

week. This cake should satisfy anyone's stomach that was a tiny bit hungry. This meal is enough to make

everyone leave the party full and maybe even with a huge stomach ache.

My dinner will leave everyone wanting to come back for another party. They will be have such a good time

that they might not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my house one by one. It would not

bother me so much because I know it was a party not many will soon forget. They might even start talking

about it all over the school. The dinner could even influence others to throw a party just like me.


This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling

idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes all parts

of the task. In particular, the essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement at the

beginning of the introduction. (“Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me. If I were to prepare a

dinner menu for my friends, it would be food that basically everyone loves.”) The essay is focused on the

controlling idea with details about a dinner menu and the respective dinner’s location. (“The first thing

every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think about it, is to make sure the place that is holding

the dinner is acceptable in all aspects.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling

idea. (“My main course would have to be stuffed crust, cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. I would get about six

large cheese pizzas for everyone to enjoy because almost everyone loves cheese pizza.”)


This essay demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using

sufficient, appropriate details. Specifically, there are a variety of details that explain main ideas. (“The

cake is made completely of almost any chocolate food there is including: a double layer devil's chocolate

cake, chocolate pudding, chocolate icing, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate cookies, and chocolate whipped

cream. My mom's cake is so fattening and good that it is hard to finish a single slice of the cake.”) The

details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The last

part of the meal will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This special

dessert is called her ‘Death by Chocolate Cake.’”) Supporting details develop the example well. (“If

people want something a little bit more of something beside pizza, they will have the option of eating some

nachos and a cheese. The chips would have to be Nacho Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip

made out of real cheese.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits good organization. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good

introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

In particular, the essay provides a good introduction. (“Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me.

If I were to prepare a dinner menu for my friends, it would be food that basically everyone loves. This

would not be some super expensive, extremely formal type dinner either.”) The introduction includes

adequate background information about the topic. (“Dinner is the best meal to make an impression on

everyone. Because big dinners usually take a long time to prepare for, my dinner will take just a few

moments to get everything in order.”) The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“My dinner will

leave everyone wanting to come back for another party. They will be have such a good time that they might

not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my house one by one.”)

8




This essay demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and

word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Also, the writer uses well-

structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. (“The last part of the meal

will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This special dessert is called her

‘Death by Chocolate Cake.’”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how main and

supporting points are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“Cheese pizza

will have to be my main part of the meal. If people want something a little bit more of something beside

pizza, they will have the option of eating some nachos and a cheese. The chips would have to be Nacho

Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip made out of real cheese.”) Compound and complex

sentences are used effectively. (“The first thing every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think

about it, is to make sure the place that is holding the dinner is acceptable in all aspects.”)


This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar,

mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, sentences have a

subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and paragraphs are

distinguished with a line break. (“My dinner will leave everyone wanting to come back for another party.

They will be have such a good time that they might not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my

house one by one. It would not bother me so much because I know it was a party not many will soon forget.

They might even start talking about it all over the school. The dinner could even influence others to throw a

party just like me.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wanted a more exotic variety of food? Well, I am making a special menu for my friends

because it is a very special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up

my menu. The menu would have a variety of different food from all over the globe. The following is the

list food that I would be serving to my friends; Spaghetti imported straight from Italy, Adobo directly from

the Philippines, and Sushi from Japan. I would gladly serve all of this food to my friends on this very

special occasion. This would be a very enjoyable occasion.

For one of my dishes, I chose Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste of

Spaghetti and they would really love some imported straight from Italy. The Spaghetti would have extra

sauce and very delicious pasta. I would serve peppers and Parmesan cheese on a separate plate. I would

have my chef cook the Spaghetti in front of my friends and serve it directly to them. This might possibly be

my favorite dish on the menu.

For my Filipino dish, I chose to serve a very famous dish called Adobo. This is a very tastey and delicious

chicken recipe that can be found in the Philippines. The Adobo would be served with rice and would be

cooked and served by my chef. I would present this dish myself and serve all of my friends personally. This

is a dish that comes from my culture and is my familys favorite dish of the menu.

Now, for the last dish, I chose to serve Sushi imported directly from Japan. Sushi is a very famous dish here

in America, but few people have actually tried Sushi from Japan. This would be served on a wooden board

by my chef and would hand cooked by me, personally. The Sushi would be made from freshly caught

Salmon and freshly cooked rice. It would be wrapped in seaweed and served with Wasabi.

Now that I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy

the food that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu. This menu has a

9



good variety of foreign dishes and is very good, in my opinion. In conclusion, I hope that this will be a very

good menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for them as well.


This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea and

demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience while completing many parts of the task.

Specifically, the essay’s purpose is stated adequately. (“Well, I am making a special menu for my friends

because it is a very special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up

my menu.”) The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“For one of my dishes, I chose

Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste of Spaghetti and they would really love

some imported straight from Italy.”) The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, as there

is little use of slang or contractions. (“I would gladly serve all of this food to my friends on this very

special occasion. This would be a very enjoyable occasion.”)


This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using

sufficient details to support ideas. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the writer’s

thesis. (“For one of my dishes, I chose Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste

of Spaghetti and they would really love some imported straight from Italy.”) The writer uses adequate

details to illustrate main ideas. (“Now, for the last dish, I chose to serve Sushi imported directly from

Japan. Sushi is a very famous dish here in America, but few people have actually tried Sushi from Japan.”)

The essay contains facts and explanations about each of the writer’s main ideas. (“This would be served on

a wooden board by my chef and would hand cooked by me, personally. The Sushi would be made from

freshly caught Salmon and freshly cooked rice. It would be wrapped in seaweed and served with Wasabi.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a

noticeable introduction, conclusion, and use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the

essay begins with a good introduction. (“Have you ever wanted a more exotic variety of food?”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“Now, for the last dish, I chose

to serve Sushi imported directly from Japan.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“In

conclusion, I hope that this will be a very good menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for

them as well.”)


This essay demonstrates adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language

and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, the writer generally

uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied.

(“Now that I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy

the food that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu.”) Words used in

the essay relate to the prompt task. (“Well, I am making a special menu for my friends because it is a very

special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up my menu.”)

However, word choice is sometimes poor. (“This is a dish that comes from my culture and is my familys

favorite dish of the menu.”)


This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in

grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication

of the writer’s message. For example, sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), end with a

10



punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and paragraphs are distinguished by a line break. (“Now that

I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy the food

that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu. This menu has a good

variety of foreign dishes and is very good, in my opinion. In conclusion, I hope that this will be a very good

menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for them as well.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What is the best dinner that you have ever had. Do you think that the perfect meal has ever existed? I know

it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of these days. I know what it will taste like

and what kind of food will be there. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Soon yours will be to.

My favorite food that will be at the party is candy yams. Candy yams have been my favorite food since I

was a little kid. To me any type of yam is good even if it is just a yam with no sugar. Another reason that

candy yams will be there is that it will kind of set the mood that the dinner is going to be sweet. I believe

that something sweet will make everyone relaxed and calm.

The next type of food that will be there is steak. What kind of dinner will it be without steak. Out of all the

special ocasions that I have been to there has always been steak there. One thing that will bring out is A-I

sauce. I love that barb-bque sauce and I think everyone else does to. Steak will be the only meat at the

party.

The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake. I would not have any vegetables because I do not think

anyone will eat them. I would pick ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without them. I

know that I will hate to go to a party with out deserts. The last party that I went to without cake or ice

cream it was a disaster so that is why I am adding it.

Those are the foods that I would pick for my party.


This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea but

demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, thus only completing some parts of the task.

Specifically, the writer presents a limited central idea. (“I know what it will taste like and what kind of

food will be there. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Soon yours will be to.”) In the

introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“Do you think that the perfect meal has

ever existed? I know it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of these days.”) The

writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“The last party that I went to without cake or ice

cream it was a disaster so that is why I am adding it.”)


This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and

inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. In particular, the essay has a limited use of details

to illustrate the main ideas. (“The next type of food that will be there is steak. What kind of dinner will it

be without steak. Out of all the special ocasions that I have been to there has always been steak there.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“Candy yams have been

my favorite food since I was a little kid.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the

body paragraphs are limited. (“I would pick ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without

them. I know that I will hate to go to a party with out deserts.”)

11



Organization

This essay exhibits limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain

introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The

introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Do you think that the

perfect meal has ever existed? I know it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of

these days.”) There is some evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“The next type of food

that will be there is steak . . . The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake.”) The conclusion

attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“Those are the foods that I would pick for my party.”)


This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple language and

word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple

sentences with insufficient sentence variety. In particular, exact words are missing. (“I love that barb-bque

sauce and I think everyone else does to.”) More effective transitions are needed. (“The next type of food

that will be there is steak . . . The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake.”) There are run-on

portions in the essay. (“The last party that I went to without cake or ice cream it was a disaster so that is

why I am adding it.”)


This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains several

noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the

communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a

verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“The last food that I will have is ice

cream and cake. I would not have any vegetables because I do not think anyone will eat them. I would pick

ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without them. I know that I will hate to go to a party

with out deserts. The last party that I went to without cake or ice cream it was a disaster so that is why I am

adding it.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

A dinner is always something special that wil catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that

wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans. This dish is one of my best one and i would like to see what other

people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it always works best. Many people have tried it and

they are familar with it already. I will also present this menu to my guest.

Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If they say I

will tell them whats for dinner. Then we will start a conversation with them ask ask them how was the

food.Hopefully they enjoyed it just like I will. this dish always comes out perfect for dinner and hopefully

it still do. this is how I will present my menu to my guest.


This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but

demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, thus only completing few parts of the

task. Specifically, the essay does not state a clear controlling idea. (“A dinner is always something special

that wil catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and

beans.”) The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include

relevant details to make ideas clear. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they

12



are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”) The writing style is not appropriate

for the audience. (“this dish always comes out perfect for dinner and hopefully it still do. this is how I will

present my menu to my guest.”)


This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and

inadequately, using few details to support ideas, as details are used minimally to explain and illustrate the

evidence. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If

they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main

idea. (“Then we will start a conversation with them ask ask them how was the food.Hopefully they

enjoyed it just like I will.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“I chosed

this menu for the reson that it always works best. Many people have tried it and they are familar with it

already. I will also present this menu to my guest.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor

introduction and conclusion; also, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The

essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“A dinner is always something special that wil

catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans.”) The

introduction does little to include a clear sentence to explain what the essay is about. (“This dish is one of

my best one and i would like to see what other people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it

always works best.”) Transitions between paragraphs are needed. (“Some ways I will present this dish to

them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”)


This essay exhibits minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word

choice with little awareness of audience. There are also basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Specifically, the style is not formal. (“Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and

beans. This dish is one of my best one and i would like to see what other people think of it.”) The essay

uses the same group of words to begin the two sentences in the paragraph. (“this dish always comes out

perfect for dinner and hopefully it still do. this is how I will present my menu to my guest.”) Exact words

are missing. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating.

If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”)


There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of error in

grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the

writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an

action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, or follow

capitalization conventions. (“A dinner is always something special that wil catch peoples atension. Well im

having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans. This dish is one of my best one and i

would like to see what other people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it always works best.

Many people have tried it and they are familar with it already. I will also present this menu to my guest.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

13



Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and

ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free .

menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer,

soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice

cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.


This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish a central controlling

idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience; furthermore, the writer completes few or

no parts of the task. Specifically, the essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does

not include clear details. Supporting ideas for the essay or a main point of view are not clearly stated. (“I

will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends

at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is

hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit

punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake,

and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)


This essay demonstrates inadequate or no content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas,

using no details to support main ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea

of the essay, at least three main ideas are not included as evidence, and there are no main ideas in the body

paragraphs. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at

9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks

are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar.

beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk,

ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay does not exhibit evidence of a unified

structure with an introduction or conclusion; there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

In particular, the essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction, transitional devices are not used to

help connect ideas, and the essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“I will be having a party at 301

main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you

to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked

beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks

are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one

gets a gift.”)


This essay demonstrates inadequate language use and style. The essay exhibits unclear or incoherent

language use and word choice with no awareness of audience. There are also major errors in sentence

structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay, lengths of the sentences are short, and the style

is not formal. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at



14




ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)


This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in

grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of

the writer’s message. In particular, the writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb

(an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent new paragraphs, and follow capitalization

conventions. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at




ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more

ways to improve his/her writing.

15



A Healthy Change

We often fail to realize that the choices we make about our health can be unhealthy ones. Lifestyle choices

affect our long-term health as well as our risk for disease.

Imagine that you could change things about your lifestyle that would make you healthier. Describe what

these changes would be and how they would benefit you and make our society a healthier one.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Having a healthy America should be a top priority for all of us, since the cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to

society, families, and individuals is too great. Americans are, sadly, unhealthy. Why this is so is the topic of

this essay. Changes in my own lifestyle are important as well. Therefore, I will highlight changes that each

of us can make, while suggesting ways in which I will address my own lifestyle and its health.

For instance, the percentage of overweight people in America is very high and growing by the day. The

reason for this is due to the fact that Americans, as a whole, are lazy and the foods we choose to eat are

high in fat and carbohydrates. These high fat foods are usually located in fast food restaurant that happen to

be located everywhere. Fast foods are a cheap form of fuel that is very unhealthy. We eat more of types of

these foods because they satisfy our cravings for salt and fat. Further, I myself eat too many french fries.

These fires dominate my diet. Unfortunately, with the increase in high caloric foods, we are increasing our

chances of many different health risks such as heart disease and diabetes. Foods that are high in

preservatives, carbohydrates, saturated fats will store in your body as unused fuel that then increases the fat

cells to grow and your cholesterol to rise.

The only way to combat this unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life.

A proper diet is the first step to change. The next is a form of consistent exercise. The last is how we view

and think of food. If we can change our view of dining then we will help prevent or avoid certain medical

problems such as diabetes and heart disease that can ruin a life. As for me, my youth protects me for now.

But I know that if I do not make the appropriate changes, my life may one day include insulin dependence

and other chronic complaints.

A prescription for change and a healthy lifestyle are necessary steps. The change that I see being made first

is having a healthier diet. Most people fall into the mode of eating junk food or fast food. Why? It's easy

and inexpensive. We need to educate ourselves about healthier foods. It's okay to eat fast food once in a

while, but to have it on a regular basis makes you unhealthy. It is important to create a diet of protein such

as chicken, beef or fish. I see that we also need to eat fresh vegetables and fruit.. Our bodies need some

carbohydrates because they turn it into fuel so we can be functional.

With a proper diet comes exercise. As we eat healthier and begin to feel better, we need to begin rasing our

heart rate through aerobic exercise programs. So along with running, biking, or swimming for our aerobic

workout, a person needs to lift weights to build muscle and burn calories. It is also a proven fact that the

only way to reduce our body fat is to build muscle. Muscle is the only tissue in the body that burns energy.

As a person increase their muscle weight, they begin to burn calories and this reduces our body fat. The

benefits that we get from eating right and exercising is that we will feel and look better.

If we continue to do nothing but snack on junk food and sit on the couch watching television instead of

exercising, then our society might possibly begin to see our life-spans decrease instead of increasing as they

have done in every generation. To many food is a self-esteem problem. They find themselves in a vicious

circle where the wrong food acts like an obsessive drug that gives them fake comfort. And so they eat to

bury their feelings and problems. The only way for such people to overcome this form of addiction is to

16



seek proper medical care to change the way they think about food. Without this kind of medical care they

will never lose the weight.

A diet for a new America should result from all of this. I really feel that it is so important for all of us to

begin changing their eating and exercise habits. Without the proper diet and exercise program, our society

is going to see a major increase health related problems and early deaths.


In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully establishes an insightful thesis. (“Having a healthy

America should be a top priority for all of us, since the cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to society, families,

and individuals is too great… Therefore, I will highlight changes that each of us can make, while

suggesting ways in which I will address my own lifestyle and its health.”) Obviously the student has a clear

understanding of the audience and the purpose of the task. The writer remains focused on this controlling

idea, which is expanded and further developed as the essay progresses. The essay certainly completes all

parts of the task very effectively.


This essay effectively develops the author’s arguments using specific and relevant details. For example, in

the first body paragraph the writer goes into an in-depth assessment of the problem of obesity in America

and how it has developed over time. (“The reason for this is due to the fact that Americans, as a whole, are

lazy and the foods we choose to eat are high in fat and carbohydrates. These high fat foods are usually

located in fast food restaurant that happen to be located everywhere.” and “Unfortunately, with the increase

in high caloric foods, we are increasing our chances of many different health risks such as heart disease and

diabetes. Foods that are high in preservatives, carbohydrates, saturated fats will store in your body as

unused fuel that then increases the fat cells to grow and your cholesterol to rise.”) The remainder of the

essay proceeds in this same fashion. This student obviously understands how to support his/her ideas by

artfully incorporating a wide variety of details that support the thesis.

Organization

This response demonstrates an entirely unified organizational structure. The introduction begins by

grabbing the reader’s attention (“Having a healthy America should be a top priority for all of us, since the

cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to society, families, and individuals is too great.”) and proceeds to establish

the controlling idea. The first body paragraph focuses on the weight dilemma Americans currently face,

while the second body paragraph outlines the structure for the remainder of the response. (“The only way to

combat this unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life. A proper diet is

the first step to change. The next is a form of consistent exercise. The last is how we view and think of

food.”) Each subsequent paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“The only way to combat this

unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life. “)The conclusion is also

effective because it gives a strong summary of the author’s argument.


The essay is composed using very effective and cohesive language. The author is able to demonstrate a

defined stylistic voice throughout the essay. (“As for me, my youth protects me for now. But I know that if

I do not make the appropriate changes, my life may one day include insulin dependence and other chronic

complaints.”) This response demonstrates precise and artful language and word choice. (“They find

themselves in a vicious circle where the wrong food acts like an obsessive drug that gives them fake

comfort. “) Additionally, the response is constructed of well-structured and varied sentences.

(“Unfortunately, with the increase in high caloric foods, we are increasing our chances of many different

health risks such as heart disease and diabetes.”)

17




While not completely free of errors in spelling (“lifestryle” and “rasing”), punctuation, and grammar, this

author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions of standard written English.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many young people who think that taking care of their health is not important. Teens often sleep

late, eat whatever they want, watch too much T.V, and almost never exercise. However, I think that

everyone should take care of their health from an early age. Being healthy is important, because when

people grow older it will be harder for them to control their health habits. What I personally can change for

myself to improve my lifestyle are my eating habits, my fitness, and my social health.

To begin with, I think that the most important part of my future change would be changing my eating

habits. Most of my friends including myself usually eat whatever we want. Recently, I found out that it is

not healthy to eat chips, drink coke and eat too many sweets. Some of my friends skip breakfast and lunch

and consume a big portion of dinner. I learned that it is better to eat little portions every three or four hours

than to eat a lot of food at one time. I also used to binge eat, which is not a very healthy choice either. Now

when I am done eating I just get up and walk away from the table. I learned that eating more fruits and

vegetables are more beneficial for our body. Today I am teaching my family to look at food labels when we

go to the grocery store. It is important to consume the food that is good for our health not just the food that

tastes good. According to the American Cancer Society, “The average American eats the equivalent of 24

teaspoons of fat a day”. Eating too much fat increases the chances of developing cancer. Therefore I

decided to cut on eating fast food and increase the consumption of raw vegetables and fruits.

Another change I should make is to exercise more often. Statistics show that many people do not exercise

enough. According to National Geographic Magazine, “one out of four Americans doesn’t get any exercise

at all. Less than a third get the recommended minimum of a day of exercise.” This is why most Americans

are overweight. To change my fitness I signed up at the gym. There I try to do more cardio work outs like

running, walking, and jumping rope. Another activity that keeps me fit is my dance class. At dance class

not only do we dance but we do 150 sit-ups a day and 200 squats.

Lastly, I think that I have to improve my social health as well. My friends and I didn’t care about our social

habits. Most of the time we interacted through the internet and the phone. We decided that it would be

much healthier for us if we meet at the park and play some sports instead of staying home watching T.V.

and chatting on the internet.

Another thing I would personally change is going to sleep earlier, because I learned that not getting enough

sleep causes the brain to slow down and the body to look older. The insufficient amount of sleep also

causes stress.

In conclusion, I think that being healthy is very important. In order for me to stay healthy I will eat right

exercising more, and get together with my friends. I hope that everything that I do will be healthier and fit.

I also hope that whoever reads this essay will change their mind about being fit. I think that this society

really needs to be healthy and if everyone reads my essay I think that they will change their mind about

being healthy and making healthier choices.


This author establishes a clear thesis that demonstrates an understanding of the purpose of the task. (“What

I personally can change for myself to improve my lifestyle are my eating habits, my fitness, and my social

18



health.”) The author remains focused on delivering the controlling idea to the intended audience throughout

the course of the essay. The author understands the assignment and successfully completes the task.


This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. For example, in the third

paragraph, the author does not simply state people do not get enough exercise. Rather, he/she cites various

sources to support the argument. (“Statistics show that many people do not exercise enough. According to

National Geographic Magazine, ‘one out of four Americans doesn’t get any exercise at all. Less than a third

get the recommended minimum of a day of exercise.’ This is why most Americans are overweight.“) By

using sufficient supporting information such as this, the author is able to effectively complete the assigned

task.

Organization

This essay constructs a mostly unified organizational structure. The introduction begins with an attention-

getter (“There are many young people who think that taking care of their health is not important. Teens

often sleep late, eat whatever they want, watch too much T.V, and almost never exercise.”) and develops

the author’s thesis. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and transitional device.

(“Lastly, I think that I have to improve my social health as well.”) The concluding paragraph effectively

sums up the author’s points. (“In conclusion, I think that being healthy is very important. In order for me to

stay healthy I will eat right exercising more, and get together with my friends.”)


In this response, the language use and style are appropriate and effective. The author demonstrates good

word choice and sentence variety. (“However, I think that everyone should take care of their health from an

early age. Being healthy is important, because when people grow older it will be harder for them to control

their health habits.”) There is some evidence of voice in the student’s response as well. (“I think that this

society really needs to be healthy and if everyone reads my essay I think that they will change their mind

about being healthy and making healthier choices.”)


This response is not without errors. However, the few mistakes in spelling, punctuation, and grammar (“In

order for me to stay healthy I will eat right exercising more, and get together with my friends.“) do not

interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many choices in our lives affect our health everyday. Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a

crucial decision. Establishing certain eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also

affect your health. Each of these factors can really affect how you live. Society will also improve along

with better control of these factors.

Choosing to not smoke is very important. Smoking affects alot about your health. The risk of cancer in

many different parts of your body increases. Emphysema can also be a danger. Besides many health

hazards smoking changes your life. You must depend on the drug. It is an awful feeling to have that you

cannot live without smoking. Money is also decreasing each time you purchase cigarets and this can affect

how well you live, wether you are financially stable or not.

19



Many people don't eat healthy. Its very important to get all the vitamins and minerals that you need. If you

consume the nutrients necessary to your body, you will be stronger and able to thrive. Without certain

vitamins growth can be affected. Certain diets are needed depending on how much exercises you receive.

Exercise is very important to your body. Its important to keep your body fit and strong. Exercise can lower

your risk of many diseases along with proper diets.

Unfortunately many people drink and are unaware of what can happen to them. Liver damage is very

common. When people drink they preform risky-behaviors. Drinking and driving can result in death of

yourself or another human being. Some people become violent when they drink which can cause harm to

others. Sometimes people even become very depressed when they are dependant on drinking.

So yes many factors affect your health. Drinking can cause you to preform risky-behaviors and harm

others. Smoking can cause many health hazards which can eventually kill you. Diet and exresize are

extremely important to be fit and healthy. So if you would like to become more healthy, start today its

important for survival.


This essay can best be viewed as an adequate completion of the task. The author establishes a focused

controlling idea (“Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial decision. Establishing certain

eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also affect your health. Each of these

factors can really affect how you live.”), which is maintained throughout this essay. The response

demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the assignment and completes many parts of the task.


The author uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her ideas. For example, in the second

paragraph, the author explicitly states various dangers involved with smoking. (“The risk of cancer in many

different parts of your body increases. Emphysema can also be a danger. Besides many health hazards

smoking changes your life. You must depend on the drug. It is an awful feeling to have that you cannot live

without smoking.”) The remaining body paragraphs proceed in the same fashion. The essay could have

been improved with further development of the author’s ideas. However, overall, the response does contain

adequate content and development.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introduction provides a controlling idea that acts

as an outline for the body of the essay. (“Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial decision.

Establishing certain eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also affect your

health.”) Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence (“Unfortunately many people drink and

are unaware of what can happen to them.”). However, the paragraphs could have been improved with more

transitional devices. The conclusion is effective because it summarizes the author’s main points. (“Drinking

can cause you to preform risky-behaviors and harm others. Smoking can cause many health hazards which

can eventually kill you.”)


The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task and expresses an awareness of the

audience. The sentences are generally well-structured and show some variety. (“Drinking and driving can

result in death of yourself or another human being. Some people become violent when they drink which

can cause harm to others.”) This student’s word choice is also appropriate for the assigned task. (“Many

choices in our lives affect our health everyday. Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial

decision.”)

20




The student obviously demonstrates adequate control of the conventions of standard written English. There

are some errors in punctuation (“Its very important”), grammar, and spelling (“cigarets” and “exresize”),

but these mistakes do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

We often fail to to realize that the choices we make about our health can be unhealthy ones. Well im going

to tell you three good reasons of why I think you should not drink,smoke,and over eat.

The first thing Im going to talk to you about is drinking.First of all there are a lot of drinkers in my family

and some of them have bin drinking since thay were my age which is 12 and I think that is really sad to

know some of them are my uncles and one of them is my dad he has done things that really embarrass me ,

my sisters ,my brothers ,and my mom I think that since we are never embarresing him like he embarreses

us I think that we dont deserve to get embarrast that way.

The second thing im going to talk to you about is smokers.About 50% of my family members smoke and

that I know of none of them have died from it YET! But thay probebly dont even know what will happen if

thay dont stop smoking they will die slowly of lungh cancer when I tell them to stop thay tell me to shut up

that Im to yonge to understad or sometimes thay say im stupid but I dont listen to them but im shure that

thay will pay attention to my grandma I will try to talk to her and tell her about my situation.

The third thing Im going to talk to you about is people over whait. some people in my family are over wait

and that is really sad because when they go to the docter they tell them they have to go on a diet and it is

really hard for the chidren and the perents because they get hungry but whet can they do to stop them from

eat.

All and all thats all I have to talk to you about today becaus .


The author of this essay attempts to establish a controlling idea. (“Well im going to tell you three good

reasons of why I think you should not drink,smoke,and over eat.”) However, since the essay does not fully

develop or maintain this thesis, the author shows little understanding of the purpose of the task. This

response demonstrates only limited focus and meaning.


Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his/her position, the ideas are

insufficiently developed. For example, in the second paragraph the author endeavors to discuss the dangers

involved with drinking alcohol. However, the supporting arguments aren’t specific, and the author seems to

lose track halfway through the paragraph. (“First of all there are a lot of drinkers in my family and some of

them have bin drinking since thay were my age which is 12 and I think that is really sad to know some of

them are my uncles and one of them is my dad he has done things that really embarrass me , my sisters ,my

brothers ,and my mom I think that since we are never embarresing him like he embarreses us I think that

we dont deserve to get embarrast that way.“) This example and others in this response require further

clarification and elaboration.

21



Organization

In this response, the author constructs a limited organizational structure. Although the introduction is

noticeable, it is short and insufficiently developed. Each body paragraph does begin with a focused topic

sentence and transitional device. However, the author seems to lose his/her focus midway through each

body paragraph. Additionally, the conclusion is too short and inadequate to be appropriate. (“All and all

thats all I have to talk to you about today becaus .”)


The author’s language is mediocre, marked by confusing run-on sentences. (“some people in my family are

over wait and that is really sad because when they go to the docter they tell them they have to go on a diet

and it is really hard for the chidren and the perents because they get hungry but whet can they do to stop

them from eat.“) The student’s word choice is quite limited. (‘But thay probebly dont even know what will

happen if thay dont stop smoking they will die slowly of lungh cancer when I tell them to stop thay tell me

to shut up that Im to yonge to understad or sometimes thay say im stupid”) The essay does attempt to

address an audience, although the language use is insufficient.


It is obvious that the conventions and mechanics of standard written English are difficult for this student to

grasp. There are many spelling (“embarresing” and “over whait”), punctuation (“im”), and grammar errors,

which interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

(“Today after I get out of school im going to start changing my habit im going to do my homework first

thing then Im going to play video games but make sure to turn it off before 9 o clock.“)

Sleeping habits when it comes to sleeping I nearly sleep. So as a healthy thing im going to start sleeping

more. It is video games, family over , and homework that makes me fall asleep late around 12 to 3 o clock.

Since im growing right now my body need 8 to 10 hours of sleep to grow and be healthy.

Today after I get out of school im going to start changing my habit im going to do my homework first thing

then Im going to play video games but make sure to turn it off before 9 o clock.


This response suggests a controlling idea (“So as a healthy thing im going to start sleeping more.”), but it is

unclear and underdeveloped. The author does not maintain or support the idea with meaningful details and,

therefore, completes few parts of the task. This essay demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the

purpose of the assignment.


This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The attempt to explain the positive aspects of

getting more sleep is weakened by the brevity of the response. One statement is used to explain why the

student goes to bed late (“It is video games, family over , and homework that makes me fall asleep late

around 12 to 3 o clock.”), but it is not developed or elaborated. The author fails to develop ideas which

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