DedicationHolyshit,does it takeavillage!?Theyarenot fuckingkidding.Thenumberofpeoplewhohelpedmakethisbookpossibleisepic.Thesheernumberofhandsinvolved was extraordinary. And I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean actualhands.

I’dliketodedicatethisbooktoalloftheremarkablepeoplewhohelpedmakeitpossible.

Tomyhandy-dandyparents:WhotaughtmethatIcoulddoalmostanything,especiallyifitinvolvedhomeimprovement.AndforhelpingALOTtomakethisbookareality.

Tomyhusband, John:Who taughtme that I candoevenmore if IGoogle itfirst.Weareareal,livelovestory,plusahammer.Youaretrulythebestpartner,collaborator,andco-conspirator.Ithankmyluckystarseverymorning.UsuallyafterI’vehadacupofcoffee.

Tomyson,Jules,anddog,William:Youguysareacestoo.Thankyoufornotmindingtoomuchwhenwedidn’thaveabathroomfloorandforthinkingitwasfunnywhenourkitchencabinetdoorsweredryingalloverourapartment.

Toourastoundingly supportivegroupof friends:Whoall acted like itmadesensethatIwaswritingahomeimprovementbook,evenifIdidn’tthinkso.

ToJohn’sparents:Forteachingusthatwecouldwritewellandalsobedecentplumbers.

Tomyfavoriteunder-thirtyDIYenthusiast,Caitie:Becauseyou’rekeepingusallalive.

Tothedynamite teamatSkyhorse:Whohelpedmorph thisbook fromstick-figuredrawingsintosomethingthatlooksSOMUCHlikeabook!

Butmostly,Ishouldprobablythankmymom:Because,seriously,shebabysatalot.

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

RulesofThumb:HarshWordsYouNeedtoHear

•ABasicGuidetoLivingLikeaGrown-Up•PutYourShitAway•MakeYourBed•HoningYourAesthetic•GettingMotivated•DiamondintheRough•HowtoHaggle,Bargain,andMakeFriends•StrikingaBalance

Do-It-YourselfProjects(fortheAverageRenterorAmateurHomeowner)

•Fast-TrackHomeDesign•HowtoPaintYourHomeWithoutFearorRegret:ColorDo’sandDoNot’s•PaintLikeaPro

Kitchens:OnaBudget

•ReplacingYourKitchenHardwareHandles•HowtoReplaceYourKitchenFaucet(andWhy)•RevitalizeCabinetsforanInstantFacelift•PersonalizeYourKitchen•AccessorizeandSettheTable

Bathrooms:TempleofDoom

•SprucingUpYourBathroom•HowtoReplaceYourBathroomHardware,HowHighShouldYouHanga

TowelBar,andHowManyHooksIsTooManyHooks?

•MakeYourShowerIntotheSpaYouDeserve•NotFuckingAround:InstallingaNewTileFloor•Fast-TrackBathroomCleanUp!TooMuchtoDo,NotEnoughTime

TheEasyStuff:YourLivingRoom,Bedroom,andifYou’reLivingLarge,YourDiningRoom

•YourSofaIsUgly•HowtoAddAccentColorswithoutTurningtheWholePlaceintoa

Carnival•StreetFinds:HowtoRevitalizeandReupholsterMix-and-MatchDining

Chairs•HowLargeShouldYourRugBe:a.k.a.“HowLargeIsYourBudget?”•HowtoBuildandUpholsteranOttoman•HowtoMakeYourOwnUpholsteredHeadboard•HowtoDressYourBedsoYouFeelLikeYouLiveinaHotel•Fast-TrackBedroom

IcingontheCake:TimetoAccessorize

•HowtoHangYourDrapesLikeaPro(EvenifYou’reTightonFunds)•MakingReallyGreatDrapes,ontheCheap•JustDimIt•HowtoChangeaLightFixturewithoutElectrocutingYourself(an

ImportantDistinction)•What’sinaPillow?•WhattoHang,HowtoHangIt,andWheretoHangYourArtwork(Such

ThatItIs)inGeneral•HowtoHangaGalleryWall•ReplacingYourDoorKnobs•HowtoTrickYourSpaceintoFeelingLargerandBrighter

What’stheTrick?FindingTimeforTheseProjects(withoutLosingYourJob,Friends,orFamily)

ForewordWhenIthinkofChristinaSalway,acoupleofwordscometomind:CreativeandCourageous! ImetChristinawhileworkingasa judgeonaglossy,bigbudget,realitydesigncompetitionshowonNBCcalledAmericanDreamBuilders.AftercompletingoverthreehundredmakeoversonHGTV,IwasthrilledtobeontheothersideofthetableandgiventhechancetosharewiththecontestantswhatIhadlearnedfrombehindthescenesofdesigningforthemasses.Oftentimes,thismeantextremelytightbudgets,nearlyimpossibleproductiondeadlines,sixteen-hourdays,limitedresources,andcamerasrollingtocaptureitall—thegood,thebad,thecreative,andasrealityTVoftengoes, theugly.LuckilywithAmericanDream Builders, I was behind the judges’ table. As passionate as I am aboutdesignandas thick-skinnedas Ihavehad tobecome towork in frontofaTVaudience, I would never, ever, have had the courage that Christina showed toparticipateasacontestant.

On the first day of shooting, the producers allowedme to express in a fewwordswhatIwantedtoseefromthecontestants.Naturally,asado-it-yourselferandself-taughtdesigner,Isaid,“Don’tbeafraidtogetyourhandsdirty!”Whilethisseemslikeasimpleexpectation,forthisgroupofdesigners,itwasnot.Thecontestantsontheshowwereahandpickedmixofhighlytalentedandsuccessfulprofessionaldesigners.Intheirdefense,ifyouhaveeverhadtheluxurytohireadesigneryouwouldknowthatyouhirethemfortheirexperience,resources,andabilitytoexecutetheiroryourowndesignstyledependingonhowaptyouare.In other words,most professional designers do not do your painting, sewing,carpentry, cleaning out, and rearranging of furniture—unless your namehappens to beChristina Salway.Of all the contestants, itwas evident early onthatshehadtheseskillsandmindsetinherbackpocket.

Duringthefirstweekoftouringthe“afters”(TVtalkforredesignedspaces),Iwasstruckbythemostbeautifulchildren’sroomthatwasburstingwithpattern,whimsical details, and an unexpected color palette (like all designers, Iimmediately took note to put this palette into my own designer file forinspiration).WhenIlearnedtheroomwasdesignedbyChristina,Iquietlysaidtomyself, “This ismykindof girl.”Weekafterweekof grueling—and ImeanGRUELING—makeovers,Christina“broughtit.”Notonlywassheabletoturn

trash into treasure (I swear she could probably decorate your space out of anauto parts store), she always delivered spaces with the most beautiful mix ofcolors,pattern,andtexture.Andwhilethewholedesignworld,includingmyself,seems to be designing in restrained neutrals, it was a treat to see the life andpersonalityhercreativedesignsensibilitybroughttoeachspace.

On a personal level, her journey on the show was just as inspiring as herdesigns. I had heard early on from producers that Christina had moved herhusbandandeighteen-month-oldfromtheEastCoasttoLAfortheshow.Asanewmommyselfwithmuchdoubtaboutgoingbacktoworkandtransplantingmyhusband,andseven-week-oldbaby, I feltboth inspiredandcomforted thattherewasanothermomonourset,withasharedpassion.

Nomatter what challenges were thrown at her, week after week, Christinabroughthercourage,creativity,kindness,anddown-to-earthdesignapproachtoone of the toughest design challenges one could face. I learned a lot fromwatchingher,andifyouhaveboughtthisbook,youwilltoo!Yep,Iamafanofthissweet,blonde,skinny-jeans-rockingdesigndynamo!

HappyDecoratingandMakeItBeautiful!

XO,MonicaPedersen,AmericanDreamBuilders,authorofMakeItBeautiful:

DesignsandIdeasforEntertainingatHome

IntroductionAll right. You’ve decided you’re ready to live like a grown-up. This does notmean you have to stop getting embarrassingly drunk on Saturday nights, thisdoes notmean you aren’t allowed to spend yourweekendswatching Back-to-the-Futuremarathonsfortwelvestraighthours,thisdoesnotmeanyouhavetostartmakingbabiesordecidewhatyouwantoutoflife.Thisonlymeansthatyouareno longergoing to live likeanunemployedcollege student, surroundedbyironicOnion articles tacked to yourwalls and neon beer signs humming overyoursofa(we’lltalkaboutyourdisgustingsofalater).

It’s time,guys. It’s time to start living likeanadult.Even ifyouaren’t reallyoneyet.

Inthisbook,we’regoingtotacklesomebigandsmallprojectsthataregoingtomakeitalittlebiteasiertolivelikeanadult.You’regoingtofindsomesimplesolutionstocleanupyouract—justalittle—sothatyourapartmentisactuallyapositive reflectiononwhoyouareasaperson.Tobeclear: I’mnot suggestingyouthroweverythingawayandmakeyourhomelookliketheIKEAversionofthe creepy murder apartment inAmerican Psycho. Your home should not beanonymous. It doesnotneed tobe generic orbarren.Yourhome should looklikeyoulivethere. Itshould justbearepresentationofyourbestself,notyourlaziest,dirtiestself.Giveitashot.

Andifnothingelse,you’llbeabletotellyouraunt,oryourmom,orwhoeverboughtyouthisbookthatyoudidoneofmyprojectsandit’schangedyourlifeforthebetter.Win-win.

RulesofThumb:HarshWordsYouNeedtoHear

ABasicGuidetoLivingLikeaGrown-UpLivinglikeagrown-updoesn’tcomeeasilytoeveryone.Inthesamewaythatyoumight have a friend who is just always immaculately dressed and perfectlyaccessorized, therearepeoplewithfashionstyle;peoplewithan innatemusicalsensibility;peoplewithanintuitivetalentforcooking,andlikewise,peoplewhojust know how to dress their home. Just because these things don’t comenaturallytoyoudoesn’tmeanyoushouldn’ttry.That’slikeresigningyourselftodressing in sweatsuits because you’re not as fashionable as your friend. YoumightnevercompeteonTopChef,butifyoupracticeenough,youmightmastera decent omelet.Don’t quit—just do your best, consult the internet a lot, andwhenitdoubt—thegoldenruleisalways:putitaway.

Yep.Truestory.ThefirstruletolivinglikeagrownupisPUTYOURSHITAWAY.AndI’mserious.Nomorejunk,nomoreclutter,nomore“ButIlovedthisbeaniebabywhenIwasinhighschool.”Idon’tcare.

Take a long hard look at your sentimental tchotchkes. Ask yourself thesequestions:

•Isthereanythingaestheticallyredeemingaboutsaidtchotchke?• Was it made before 1970, owned by someone interesting, designed by

someone fascinating, or in some way unique that merits leaving it out forpeopletosee?

• Does it serve anyusefulpurpose?Does it hold something,hide something,allowyoutositonit?Iftheanswerstothesequestionsisaresounding“No,”it’sgottago.Youdon’t

havetothrowitaway,butitcan’tstayhere.PutitinaRubbermaidboxandstoreitunderyourbed,mailithometoyourparents,ordotherightthinganddonate

itsosomeothersuckercanhaveitclutteruptheirhouse.

GETITOUT.

Thesecondruleofthumbisthesameasthefirstone.Nowthatyou’veputawayall of your clutter and crap, apply the same theory toEVERYTHINGELSE inyourhome.

PutYourShitAwayHangupyourclothes,youbaby.Washyourdisheswhenyoufinishdinner.Putthem away. Take out the recycling and put all that junkmail in it as you go.Seriously folks.WhenIvisitpeople’shomes,oftentimeshalfof theproblemispeopleliterallyaren’tputtingthingsaway.Whenyougethomeafteralongdayof work, spend an additional two-and-a-half-freaking-seconds and put yourshoesbackinyourcloset.Imeanreally.I’mnottryingtobeanag,butthesearethebasics.Yourapartmentwill lookandfeelsomuchbetter ifyou justkeep itorganized.AndI’mnotsayingyoucan’thaveacollectionofbeaniebabies.Butifthat’swhat you’re into, display them together,make thema collection—OWNTHAT—don’t have them scattered all aroundyour apartment like someweirdtrapped-in-time-teenager-in-a-cat-lady’s-body. Once you’ve put away all yourextraneouscrap,itwillallowthethingsyou’veleftouttoactuallyshine.It’shardto tell that you love vintage fiesta-waredishes if they’re scattered all over yourapartmentwithvaryingdegreesofmoldgrowinginthem.HowdoIknowthatyoucollectantiquemedicalequipment ifyou’vegota twelve-inchglasssyringesittingonyourkitchencounterandabrokenstethoscopedanglingoutofyourdrawer,andbetweenthem,milesofdirtyclothesandunopenedmail?Onceyouputeverythingelseaway,youcanstarttomakeaconsciousdecisionaboutwhattoleaveout.

What I’m trying to explain is that everyonehas their ownversionofwhat’sawesome, and yours doesn’t have tomatchmine. But if you apply these samerulestoyourweirdcollectionthatI’veappliedtomine,yourhomewillstarttolookpurposeful.Yourcollectionwillstarttolookpurposeful.Itwillstarttolooklikeyouchosetohaveyourhomethisway,ratherthanitjusthappeningtoyouduetoalackofresistance.

MakeYourBedShit. I’m starting to sound just like yourmom. But seriously, the next step tolivinglikeagrown-upisalsoaninvestmentinyourownhappiness.Idon’tjustmeanmakeyourbed likepull theblanketupandput thepillowsbackon it. Imeanmakeyourbed.Makeitbeautiful.Makeitpurposeful.Makeitahotel-likeoasisthatyoucanreturntoattheendofalongday.Putatonoffuckingpillowsonyourbed so thatwhenyouwalkpast yourbedroom, it calls to you. It says“Readabookhere.Liehere forhours.Skipbrunchandburrow into thepeaceandserenityyouwillfindhere.”Yes.ThatiswhatIwantyourbedtosaytoyou.

Startbybuyingsomenicesheets.Youdonothavetospendamilliondollarsonsheetstohavenicesheets,butgobuyacoupleofsetsofdecentsheets.Gotoyourlocaldiscounthomestoreandbuythem.Andwhenyoudo,openthezipperandfeelthefabric.Doesitfeellikesandpaper?Doesitfeellikeacreepysilkyby-the-hourhotelsheet?Donotbuythat.Yourbedlinensaren’tmeanttobefunnyandshouldn’tbesocheapthatthey’recrappy.They’remeanttobesoft,inviting,andcomfortable.

Andyes,Ididsay,“Buyacoupleofsets.”Becausethat’sthenextsteptolivinglikeagrownup,andagain—it’saninvestmentinyourself.Ifyou’vegottwoorthreesetsofsheets,itmeansthatyoucanrotatethevarioussetssotheywon’tgetwornout and faded as quickly,meaning that they’ll last longer and youwon’tneed tobuy anew setof sheets for a longer time. It alsomeans you canwashyour sheets andhave clean sheetsonyourbedat the same time.Yep.That’s athing.Maybeyouhaven’theard...

Nowwegetintothecontroversialstuff.

Duvetversuscomforter:fighttothedeath.

First,let’sclarifywhatthesetwothingsare,incaseyou’renotfamiliar.

DUVET:

Awhite fluffy blanket that goes inside something called a duvet cover, whichyou’rethenabletoremoveandwashperiodically.

COMFORTER:

Afluffyblanketthathasapermanentcover,soinordertocleanit,youwashthewholething,ortakeittothedrycleaners.

Assumingyousleepwithablanketatall,yourpreferenceforthiswasprobablydeterminedbyhowyouwere raised.As someonewhowas raisedwithaduvetand duvet cover, I find sleepingwith a comforter kind of unpleasant. If Iwasgoingtobestraightwithyou,Ithinkit’salittlegross.Becauseyoucan’tremovethe cover of a comforter, it tends to get washed a lot less frequently, andmymindendsupimagininggrossseedy-hotel-esqueconditionswhereI’mbasicallysleepingunder a blanket of someone else’s hair and skinparticles. So yeah. Inthatscenario,comfortersareprettygross.Ifyouthinkyou’recapableofroutinelywashing your comforter, orwilling to take it to the dry cleaners to bewashedeveryfewweeks,thisistheoptionforyou.Fortherestofus(slovenly,lessproneto professional laundering services), the duvet is the way to go. In my idealworld, you’dalsobuya fewof these, soyoucan swap themoutwheneveryouwash your sheets, but they’re more expensive that regular sheets, so I’llunderstandifyouonlyspringfortwoofthem.

Now onto pillows: Maybe I should have explained earlier that I’m prettyseriousaboutmybed.Wespendahorrifyingamountoftimeinourbeds,andIreallythinkit’soneplacewhereyoushouldn’tcompromise.Ifyouhavecruddypillows,changethem.Ifyou’renotsleepingwell,consideranewmattress.Spendtheextramoney.Getdownpillowsandadowncomforter. Iknowthatsoundsbourgeois, which is pretty much unforgivable these days, but you’re going tohavetofinditinyourheartguys,becausereally,thedifferenceissopronounced.It’swhatseparatesthehotel-like-oasiswe’retryingtocreateand,well,aMotel6.

My point here is that your bed should feel like a serene respite. It shouldalways feel likean inviting,wonderfulplace toend theday, andpartof that ismakingabeautifulbedinthemorningsothatwhenyougethome—it’swaitingforyouthatway.Thepillowsareinplace.Theblanketispulledup.Itlookscleanandsoftandpeaceful.Andthat’sthebestwaytoendyourday.

Soforfuck’ssake.Makeyourbed.

HoningYourAestheticThis one is a real doozy. It’s not easy to explain exactly how one hones theiraesthetic,butoftentimes I’ve found thatwhoweareandwhatourhome lookslikegohandinhand.Ifyousubscribetothatnotion,yourhomeisanextensionofyouridentity.It’sthespacewhereyoucandisplaythemanyfacetsofyourself—whatyoufindbeautiful,whatyoufindsoothing,whatyoufindamusing,whatyou enjoy doing . . . The challenge is figuring out how you’re going toincorporatethosevarious“selves”withoutmakingyourhomefeellikeachaoticclown-house.When Iworkonotherpeoples’homes, I tend to talka lotaboutbalance.WhatIusuallytrytofindisthebalancebetweenthe“calmspaces”andthe “pop spaces.” The idea is that your home should feel specific to you—it

shouldfeellikeyours—butatthesametime,itshouldbemorelikeyouronlinedatingprofile.Itdoesn’tneedtotellmeeverythingallatonce.Savesomeofthegorierdetailsfortheseconddate.

Mypointis,justbecauseyoulovemovies,doesn’tmeanyourapartmentneedsto be plastered with the Clockwork Orange posters you had in college. Justbecauseyou love thecolorpinkdoesn’tmeanyourapartmentneeds tobe thatcolor. I guesswhat I’m trying to say is that your home should be a tempered,more mellowed version of yourself. It doesn’t need to be a literal, physicalmanifestationofallofyourcharacteristicsandpreferences.

It’syoursofa,notyoursoul.

Don’t getmewrong, you also shouldn’t be a stranger in your ownhome, andthat’swheretheword“balance”comesbackintoplay.Ofcourseyouwanttobesurrounded by things you love and enjoy. You just need to find a way tomoderatethosethingssotheydon’ttakeoveryourhomecompletely.

There’skindofaformulatothisbalancethatIliketousewhenI’mworkingwithpeopleontheirspaces,andit’sonethatI’veusedinmyownhomeaswell.Basically, youhave to figure outwhat’s going to “talk.”Talkmight be aweirdword touse,butwhat Imean is thateachspace shouldhaveelements thataresilent,orsubtle,andpiecesthatarevocal,orbold.Findingthatbalancecreatesaspace that is harmonious without being boring, and exciting without beingoverwhelming.

Forinstance—ifyou’vegotacrazyrug,toneitdownonthesofa.Ifyou’vegotazany sofa,maybekeepyourwall colorquiet. Ifyou’re really that crazyaboutpink,getapinkpillow.FrameyourfavoriteClockworkOrangeposterandditchthe rest. In each room, you want places of peace and places of pizazz. Thatcontrastwillallowyourbraintorestinbetweeneachelementofvisualinterestsothat you can actually see and appreciate those exciting embodiments of yourpersonality, rather than getting so over-stimulated that’s your brain basicallysays,“Yeah.Igetit.You’rekooky,”andstopspayingattention.

This isnotaneasyconcept tounderstand,norevidently is itall thateasy toexplain. It’s absolutely something to be mastered over time, and honestly, Icontinue to “edit” my own house to this day. My recommendation: when indoubt, go with less. The less “assorted detritus” you’ve got in your home, themoreoutstandingthoseremainingpieceswillfeel.Ithinkit’sbettertostartwithamoreausterefoundationandgraduallyfillinovertimethantopileallofyour

shelvesandsurfaceswiththememorabiliafromeverylifeexperienceyou’vehadupuntilthismoment.

Thetimehascome.Collegeisover.You’rereadytostartbeingselective.

GettingMotivated

HowtogofromPinteresttoreality.

Thisisgoingtoseemharsh,butbasicallythere’sanunderlyingthemehereinthefirst pages of this book. Have you realized it yet? At its simplest, the thingstandingbetweenyouandyourbeautifulhome—morethanfinanciallimitations,morethan“notenoughtime,”or“notenoughspace”—yourprimaryobstacleisyou.Youhave tomakea commitment to yourbeautiful life.Thinkof it like aNewYear’s resolution.Likemakinganoath togo to thegymmore frequently.Ortostopeatingtatertotsaftermidnight.Ortolearnanewlanguage.

Livinginamorebeautifulhometakesonlyalittlebitofyourtime.Thetimerequiredtowashyourdisheswhenyoufinishdinner.Thetimeneededtomakeyour bed and hang up your towels eachmorning. The time to put away yourshoesandhangupyourclothes.Andmakenomistake,Iamguiltytoo.Sixdaysout of seven (or maybe more like thirteen days out of fourteen) there is agrowingpileofclothing“folded”butessentiallyheapedonmydresser.Andthenon the fourteenth day, I hang it all up and breathe a sigh of relief/pleasure inseeingmy bedroomhow it’s supposed to be—sans clothes pile. But here’s thething: it takes me roughly fourteen times longer to hang up fourteen days ofclothesthanitwouldifIjustdiditwhenIdecidednottowearitthemorningof.LikeEVERYTHINGelse.Ifyouactuallyhangyourtowelsupandputawayyourbathmat,youwon’thavetodevoteyourentireSundaytodoinglaundrybecauseyourbathmatisfilthyandyourtowelssmelllikebogwater.(Refertopage54ifyouneedsomehelpfulhintsonhowtofoldabathtowelnicely...)Ifyou’ddoneyour disheswhen you finished dinner onMonday, youwouldn’t find yourselfspending three times longer chiselingdried, disgusting foodoff yourplates onThursday.

Soit’snotalackoftime.And frankly, even a lack of money is a shitty excuse. Because although it

wouldbeniceifyoucoulddeckyourbedoutwithpilesofgloriouspillowsandluxurious bed linens if you don’t have the money for that, don’t. However,makingyourbedsoitdoesn’tfeellikeaflophousecostsyounothing.Samewithhangingupyourtowels.That’s free.Andinstantly transformsyourhomefromcarelesstothoughtful.Priceless.

Not enough space for your idealizedhome?Another lousy excuse, honestly.

All the more reason to take care of every square inch of your home. Even ifyou’vegotcrappy, filthyroommates—makeyourbedroomanoasis.Hangyourbeautiful towels up IN your room, and tend to your personal space like it’s amagicalfuckinggarden.Becauseyoumightbebrokeandyourroommatemightbe a slovenlybum,butbygod, everyoneneeds respite from theday.Everyonedeservesahaven,goddamnit!

This segues into the next question: How to get motivated? How to stopsalivatingoverPinterestandApartmentTherapyandreallygetinthere.Howdoyoumake thechange? Inmyexperience, this isa snowball effect.That’swhy Iemphasizestartingwiththelittlestuff(makingyourbed,puttingyourjunkaway,gettingridofyourmeaninglessanddatedmemorabilia,hangingupyourtowels)because I genuinely believe that once you start seeing your home for its truepotential,minusthepilesandheapsandjunk,you’llfeelinspiredtokeepgoing,andreallystartimproving.

That’s why starting at Martha Stewart Home is pointless. Because it’s likehavinganout-of-bodyexperiencetoreadaboutsomeonehand-makingdoiliesintheshapeofducklingswhenyou’resurroundedbyinsurmountablepilesofjunk.You’relike“DoilyDucklings?Ican’tevenfindmyshoes!WhatamIgoingtodowithadamndoilyduckling!?”

Butonceyourbedismadeandyourclothesareputawayandyou’vewashedthesevenglassesthatwerenexttoyourbed—maybethenyoucanlookintoyourbedroomandrealisticallythink,“Youknow.Mybedwouldlookalotbetterwithan upholstered headboard.”And then I can teach you how tomake that, andthen,maybeyou’llfeelconfidentenoughtotrysomethingnewlikethat.Becauselookhowfaryou’vealreadycome!

Myadvice:jumpin(totheshallowend).

There’snoeasywaytogetstartedotherthanjustgettingstarted,butit’sgoodtobeginwithsomethingsimple.Don’tbreakintoyourDIYlifestylebyattemptingtobuild a treehouse forgod sake. Start simple.Replaceyourbed linens.Buyanewshowercurtain.Findafunkytableonthestreetandfollowthestep-by-stepinstructions to spray painting it successfully. Start to feel the satisfaction andpleasure ofmaking these smaller home improvements and thatwill emboldenyoutoscaleupalittle.Remindyourselfthatyoudon’thavetogofromzerotomastercarpenter.Byjumpingintoasmallerproject,you’llalsostarttogetmorecomfortable with the basics before you’re confronted by some of the bigger

challenges.

DiamondintheRough

Howtofindareallygooddeal.

Here’sthebadnews:theworldisn’twhatitusedtobe.Forbetterorforworse.Justasourparentsgot tocampunderStonehengewhentheyweretwenty,andrun unsupervised for hours, riding bicycles alone until sunsetwhen theywereonlytenyearsold. . .Thosedaysaregone,andsotooistheunbelievablygooddeal.WhetheryoublamePickersorAntiquesRoadShow, the fact is everybodythinks they’re “sellin’ a gem” these days. In fact, 90 percent of the time, theythinkthey’resellingsomethingmorevaluablethanitactuallyis.Becauseastheoldsayinggoes,“It’sonlyworthwhatsomeonewillpayforit.”Thisisn’ttosayagooddealcan’tbefound—itjustrequiresalittlemoreearnesthunting.Butlet’sbehonest,that’shalfthefun,solet’snottearourhairoutaboutit.

Myfirsthints

• Only buy the truly spectacular—or the exactly perfect—in an antique store(unlessyou’reinahurryorhavealotofexpendableincome.)Whenyoushopinanantiquestore,you’realsopayingforallof thatperson’sexpenses: theirrent, gas, the cost of the hotel roomwhen theywent to that fleamarket inMassachusetts. You aren’t just paying for the thing. You’re paying foreverything.

•Scourgaragesalesandyardsalesthoroughly.Headintosomeone’sbasementandgaragewhenyou’reatestatesales.Digthroughtheboxesandbasketsofjunk!Oftentimesthebestdealsarethepiecesapersonhasforgottenthey’reselling,sodon’tjusttakeacursoryglanceandwriteitoff.You’regoingtofindmuchbetterpricesatayardsalethanyou’lleverfindatafleamarket,antiqueshow,orshop—soit’sworththeduediligence.

• There are a tonof terrificonline resources,manyofwhich require abit ofpatience to reallymake themwork for you. If you spent remotely asmuchtimetrollingCraigslistasyouspendwatchinggifsofdancingcats,yourhomecouldbemagazineworthyatthispoint.

BacktoCraigslist,Chairish,Viyet,1stdibs,andtherestoftheonlinediscount,

second-hand, goldmine websites. There are two ways to troll these sites, andpersonally I recommend a two-pronged approach, though this may be bothunconventional and a little boring.The first is obvious: figureoutwhat you’relooking for andput it into their search engine.Don’t forget thatnot everyoneknows as much as you about what you want, so don’t just look for “WalnutDanish Modern Chair,” for instance. Also try searching under “dark woodvintagechair”and“teakantiquechair,”andsoon.Andobviously,ifyou’vegotaspecificmakerinmind,searchforthat,thoughthat’smorelikelytoensurethatyou find the thing you’re looking for quickly rather than you get a gooddeal.Because let’s be honest—if you both know who Vladimir Kagan is—you’reprobablypayingthegoingrateforVladimirKagan.

Wait.Before I go any further, let’s talk about that for a second.You’renotgoingtolikewhatI’mabouttosayhere,butI’mjustgoingtotaketheplunge.I challenge you to a test: Stopwatching gifs, scrolling throughTumblr andFacebook, and diligently reading about Kardashian-related Hollywooddramasforapredeterminedamountoftime.Let’sstartwithaweekend,andthenmaybeyoucanworkuptoaweekoramonth.BasicallywhatI’msayingisputyourphonedown.Not“stopusingyourphone,”becauseyouknowaswellasIdothat’ssimplyimpossible.I’mnotsayingstoptextingorcheckingInstagram—I’msimplyproposingamoratoriumon“phonedrivel”—thetimeyouspendonyourphonejustoccupyingtime...Seehowmuchyoucangetaccomplished on your home, just by eliminating a little bit of the Internetfrom your life. I’m not saying become a well-appointed, beautiful-house-havinghermit.I’msayingtakeabreakfromthatstuffjustlongenoughtogetyourlivingsituationsortedout,andthenyoucanreturnfulltimetosnapchatandInstagramtoshoweveryonehowfuckingamazingyourapartmentlooksnow.

Anddon’tunderestimateusingreallysimplesearchterms.I’mnotkidding,try“chair.” Somepeople just aren’t as excited aboutmid-century furniture as youmightbe.Ormaybe someoneelse thinks they’re selling“tacky-Asian-take-out-chairs”andyouthink“bamboo=chinoiserie=HollywoodGlamor=A+.”

There’s a reason they say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Theydon’tcomeupwiththesecatchphrasesiftheydon’tapply!

Allright.Sothat’sthefirstpartofourTwo-Prongedapproachtofindingyour

perfect,unexpected,magicallyinexpensivegem.ProngTwoistheslow-but-steadyapproach.Basically,whatI’msuggestingis

thatyoure-focusyourenergy—thetimeyouwerepreviouslydevotingtoTumblrandDumbledoregifs—andnowspendacoupleminuteseacheveningscrollingthrough the latest additions to Craigslist’s “Antiques” page and the “NewFeatures”onViyetorChairish.Literally,youcandothis inabout fiveminuteseach evening, particularly if you do it frequently because then there won’t beloads of new things to sift through, and it will make you first in line whensomeone posts that gorgeous dovetailed walnut mid-century coffee table as a“BrownTableforSale:$25.00.”

Theperkofthesecondmethodisthatyou’llalsoinadvertentlyexposeyourselftoalltheotherstuffthatissellingonthesesites,whichisactuallyaterrificwaytoeducate yourself about what else is out there, who designed what, what’sexpensive,what’snot...Andyou’llencounterallsortsofgemsyoudidn’tevenknowyouneeded.Whichcanbeablessingoracurse.Butit’salsoagreatwaytoend up with a stunning pair of retro bedside lamps when you think you’reshopping for kitchen chairs. There is something lovely about this moreserendipitous style of shopping online—it taps into a more intuitive,authenticallycuratedstyle—sothatyoucanfindyourselfexcitedbyorintriguedbysomethingnotonlyforitspracticalqualities,butitsaestheticvirtuesaswell.Thisspontaneouscollectioncanalsotranslateintoamoreorganicambianceinyourhome so it feels like a representationofYOU,not the folksover atWestElm.

HowtoHaggle,Bargain,andMakeFriendsOkay,here’s the secret tohaggling:don’tbea jerk.Actually, thatmightbe thesecrettolifeingeneral,whichalsohappenstoapplytohaggling.Truly,thebestway to get what you want out of life and flea market stalls alike, is to be agenuinelypleasantperson:sincerelyenthusiastic,polite,considerate, firmwhennecessary,clearaboutwhatyouwantandwhatyou’rewillingtocompromise.Ifyouwanttomakeanoffer,don’toffendthem.Don’teversay,“Idon’tthinkit’sworth that,” unless you’re willing to leave a sour taste in the other person’smouth. And remember, if you insult somebody, chances are equally good(maybelessthanthat)thatthey’llsay,“Gee.You’reright.Thatisapieceofjunk.I’lltakeyourfivedollarsgleefully.”Morelikelythey’llsay,“Yaknowwhat,buddy—expletive-expletive!”Andthenthatguyisinahuffandyou’renoclosertothe

houseofyourdreams.I recommend amore cunning approach,whichwill save everyone’s feelings

fromgettinghurtANDimproveyourchancesofcominghomewithsaidobjectwithoutrenderingyoupennilessintheprocess.Trysomethinglike,“Ay!!That’sreallylovely.Suchaneatpiece.Eek.Abovemybudgetthough.Thisisatotalshotinthedark,butwouldyouconsider_instead?”

Andtheymightsay,“Fifteendollars!?Icouldn’tpossibly.Butyouknowwhat,I could do twenty dollars.”And then you say, “Hmm. I really love it, but . . .What about eighteen dollars?”Andhopefully, if all goeswell, you’ve just paideighteendollarsforsomethingthatwastwenty-fivedollars,andeveryonewalksawayhappy.Obviouslythisisatotallyhypotheticalscenario,butthepointistopolitelywhittlethepricedownratherthanoffersuchalownumberthattheyjusttellyoutobuggeroff.Also—andmaybethisisjustme—butpeopleprefertoselltheiroldjunktothosewhoareexcitedtotakeit.Ithinkitgoeswithoutsayingthatit’snicerforthesellertothinkaboutsomeoneelseenjoyingthatthingtheydon’twant than it is to feel like yougothoodwinked into giving it away.Thismightseemlikestupidadvice,butbasicallywhatI’mtellingyoutodowheneveryou’retryingtohagglewithsomebodyistobeyourbestperson.Becharming.Bewitty.Belikable.IsitsoweirdthatI’msayingthat?Essentially,I’mtellingyoutoBEthepersonwhoshouldgetagooddeal.BEthepersonpeoplewanttoseewin.I swear it’s thebestway togetwhatyouwantoutofanybargainingexchange,thoughyoumightconsiderapplyingthatconcepttolifeingeneral.Justsayin’...

Nextsecrettohaggling:nothingventured,nothinggained.Nokidding.Ifyoureallylovesomething,justthrowanofferoutthere.SendsomebodyanemailonCraigslist and say, “Hey there. I’ve fallen utterly in love with your carouselunicorn,but it’s totallyoutofmybudget. Ihopeyouwon’tbeoffendedbymyproposal—butfeltIhadtoreachouttoyou,justincase.Ifyoufindthatyou’vestillgotitmonthsfromnowandyoudecideyoujustwantitoutofyourhair,Iwouldjoyfullycomeandpickitupfor$200,cash.Pleasekeepmyemailaddress,andkeepmeinmind.Thankyou!”Seriously.Becausesometimesyoudofallinlove with a carousel unicorn and it is just out of your price range. But like Imentioned earlier—one man’s treasure is another man’s trash—a.k.a.: Justbecause that guy’s horse is worth $5,000 doesn’t mean he’s ever going to getremotelynearthatonCraigslist.Everyonceinawhile,someonewouldprefertobedonewithitthanhangontoitforyears,hopingtogettherightprice.Sothat’sthegist.IwishIcouldtellyou:•Gotothisspecificstore.

•Buythisspecificthing.•Lookforthesethingsatyardsales.•Youcanbuythisnowanditwillbeworthmoreimmediately.

But that’spretty ridiculous. I can’t tellyouwhere to findgooddeals inyourtown,butIcantellyouhowtogetthebestdealswhenyou’reshoppingandthekindsofplacesyoushouldbelooking.Therestisuptoyou.HappyHunting!

StrikingaBalanceHowtomakeyourhousenotlooklikeaDIYnightmare.

Onceagain,thisisamatterofopinion.ButI’mright.Don’tgetmewrong,Iunderstandthetemptation.You’reonPinterest.You’re

scrolling through Apartment Therapy. You’ve discovered the truly limitlessnumbers ofDIYwebsites and you feel inspired!Which is awesome!And youwant to paint a chevron pattern on your old dresser! And you want toreupholsterthatchairyoufoundonthestreet!Andyouwanttoputchalkboardpaintoneverything!Andmakeornateasymmetricaltablearrangementsandlivewith your dining room styled like there’s a dinner party happening, with thequeen,TONIGHT,everynight.And!And!And!

Whoa.Slowdown.Ordon’t, ifyouprefer,butyourhomewill likelyendupfeeling more like an exploded test kitchen than a harmonious place to live.Personally, I think you’ve got to find some balance in the number of “wow”momentsyouhaveinyourapartment,sothatthosewowmomentsactuallystandout. Otherwise, people won’t realize they are wow moments because they’rebeing assaulted by the unending physical manifestation of all of the projectsyou’vecompleted.Partoffindingthatbalance,thatharmony,isknowingwhenit’sagoodtimetoDIYandwhenit’sjustonepatterntoomany.Knowwhentoputdownthepaintbrush.

I think the best way to explain this theory is a series of do’s and don’t’sdiagrams, because trying towrite out the hypothetical balance of the desirableamountof“zing”inaroomisjustmorethanI’vegotpatiencefor.

In my book, what we’re looking for is a balance of neutral and pop;manifestinginquantitieslargeandsmall.

Example: bold sofa, quiet wall color, bold art work across from bold sofa.Mixtureofquietandboldprintpillows.

Boldfloor,quietwalls,boldart.

Quietfloor,boldwalls,quietfurniture,boldart.Maybethisiseasiestifyouthinkabouteverythingintermsof“planes”inyour

apartment.Thewalls are a large “plane.”The sofa is a large “plane.”The floorcoveringsand floorare largeplanes.Myapartmentmightbea funexample toanalyze...

Our dining room and living room have zany painted floors—a deep beigeycolorcoupledwithacrispwhitetomakeawild,butnottoowild,checkerboardfloor.Thewallspullfromthewhiteinthefloor—aquiet“plane”incontrastwiththe “pop”of thepainted floors.Then, there’s a simpleneutral sisal rugon thefloor,whichaddstexture,tiesintothecolorofthebeigefloorsquares,andaddsalittle calm to the room. Sofa: quiet.Also beigey. Pillows:mixture of quiet and“wow,” drawing from the other patterns, colors, andmaterials in the room toinformabalanceof“wow”onanotherwiseneutralpiece.

Thismightsoundalittlemilquetoastatfirstglance,butthenPOP!We’vealsogotan8’x3’vintagecandystoreadvertisementhangingononewall!Andlookleft, an IKAT-coveredEames chair.Hard to call thatmilquetoast.But the ideahereisthatthoseunexpectedmoments—thethingsthatmakemyspacemine—shine because they’re in contrast to amore serene backdrop. They say “Hey!”fromonecornerand“Hi!”fromoverthere,ratherthanbeingapartofavisualassault, a cacophony ofmoments, all vying for your attention simultaneously.Becausehonestly, thatgetsexhausting.There’sa lovelymagic,arealart, in thesilencebetweenyourmoments.Anditvariesforeveryone,butforme,Ineedaliteralneutralitytobreakupmycharisma.It’salittleying-to-the-yang,ifIdareusethatclichéwithoutfullyunderstandingitsmeaning.LikeIsaidfromtheverybeginning,it’saboutfindingabalance.Abalancethatworksforyou.

So,tocirclebacktotheunderstandabledesiretostencilyourentirehouse,I’mhopingyournewfoundnotionofbalancecanhelpsteer(andmaybemoderate)yourtemptations.Because it ISreally funtotackle thesenewprojects,andyouAREallowedtocontinuouslyreinventyourhome—sowhatyouwanttoaimforisfindingaharmonybetweenyourprojects—findyouraestheticortone,andletthat influence your design.Maybe you installed a gorgeous brass vintage lightfixture (using our directions on page 120) and youmade beautiful pale greeneuro-shams for your bed (using theHow toMake a Pillow tutorial frompage125)andnowyou’relookingatthatuglyolddresserthatusedtobeinyourAuntSilvia’sbasementandyou’retrollingPinterestandthinkingthatblack-and-whitechevron pattern would look awesome on that dresser. STOP. Let’s evaluate.What’s goingonwith your floor?What’s yourheadboardmadeof?We’ve gotgreenpillows,whateveryourflooris,yourwallcolor,yourbedlinens,yourbrassceilingfixture,yourbedsidelamps.Whoa.We’vegotplentyofmaterialstodrawfrom.I’mprettysurethere’snoneedtobringblack-and-whiteintothisequation,unless that’s something that’s alreadyoccurring somewhere else in your room.But that doesn’t mean you can’t paint Aunt Silvia’s dresser with a chevron

pattern. I’m just saying maybe black and white is overdoing it. What if wepainteditwiththesamegreenasyoureuro-shams?Orevenbetter—whatifyoupaintitwithgold-brasspaint,tocallbacktoyourvintagelightfixture?Abrassandwhite chevrondresserwouldbeawesome.And thenmaybewepaintyourwallsavariationonthateuro-shamgreen?Getyourselfasisalrugforyourfloor,whitebedlinensandyou’reonfire!

All right, so you don’t need to adhere to that ratio exactly—the point I’mtryingtomakeisthatsomeoftheseDIYsaddsufficientpizazztoaroomwithoutaddingunrelatedcolors,patterns,andtexturestoboot.Strikingthatharmoniousbalancecanbe thedifferencebetween“crafty”and“designed”andGodknowswe don’t want our end result to look “crafty.” That’s like two steps frombecomingacatlady,andalmostcertainlythedating-world-kiss-of-death.

Do-It-YourselfProjects(fortheAverageRenterorAmateur

Homeowner)

Fast-TrackHomeDesign

Ifyou’renotwillingtoreadthewholebook.

Okay.Someofyou(nottostereotype,butI’mprimarilyreferringtothemeninthe audience)mightwant to skippast allmywitticismsandbrilliant analogiesandmovedirectlytotheendofeachchapterwhenIgiveyoutheASAPguidetohomeimprovement.Bythat,Imean,“Shit.Iforgotmyparentsarevisitingthisweekendandthey’reprettycuriousaboutwhatI’mgettingfor$2,500amonth.With a forty-five-minute commute to work.” Time to fast-track the charm ofyourapartmentsoyourparentsdon’tthinkyou’vetakenuprecyclingasaformofincomeanddragyourasshome.

1.CLEAN.HowmanytimesdoIhavetosaythis?CLEAN,CLEAN,CLEAN.2.Fuckingclean. 3. Andwhileyou’reat it, considerdoinga cursory tidyingofyourcommon

hallwaysaswell.

I don’t know about your parents, but the first timemine visitedmy hovel inBrooklyn, they were almost as unimpressed by the state affairs outside ofmyapartment as they were inside. Graffitied front door, tumbleweed of dust anddeadleaves(wheredothoseevencomefrom?),anancientpileofgrocerystorepamphlets, and of course—the ubiquitous cigarette butts. My parents wereunderwhelmed,tosaytheleast.AndallIreallyneededtodointhatscenariowassweepanditwouldhaveuppedmyresidentialcloutsignificantly.Yes,eventuallyI also painted over the “meatface” tag on my front door, but you don’tnecessarily have to do everything at once. Don’t overwhelm yourself or you’llendupquittingandjoiningtheotherslackersinyourhallforacigarettebreak.

Okay, your apartment is clean. This means you’ve swept, vacuumed, madeyourbed,foldedyourtowels,takenoutthetrash,andhopefullythrownawayallthemolding,horrifyingcontentsofyourrefrigerator.

Next...Let’s talk lighting and just how soon your unexpected/forgotten guests are

arriving. If they’rearriving tomorrowandyourhouse iscleanat thispoint, I’drecommendheading to yournearesthome-goods store.Considerbuying threethrow pillows and four lamps (two pairs of matching lamps). Two of thesepillows are going in your living room, two of these pillows are going on yoursofa.Twooftheselampsaregoinginyourlivingroomandtwoofthesepillowsaregoingonyoursofa.Theothertwolampsandtheremainingpillowaregoinginyourbedroom.

Alternatively, let’ssayit’sSundayandyourguestsarriveonFriday.Andlet’s

say,forargument’ssake,thatyou’dliketomakeagoodimpression...

1. Makesureyouleavetimeforthepillowandlamprun,butlet’saimalittlehigher!

2.Thedimmerswitch.Icannotemphasizeenoughthetransformativequalitiesof the dimmer switch. Seriously. We’re talking public housing to ParkAvenueinlessthantenminutes.Don’tskipthisstep!ConsiderSteps1and2essential measures taken toward long-term home occupation, peacefulrelationswithyourparents,and(possibly,nopromises)avital step towardfindinglove.Becauseit’seasiertoloveanyoneinapleasantlylitapartment,let’sbehonest. Installingadimmerswitchisaneasy1-2-3project,andcanprobably be accomplished no matter how soon your guests are coming—dependingonhoweasyitisforyoutogettoahardwarestore.

Nowwe’removingintotheextra-curricular/extra-creditportionofourfast-trackhomeimprovementsession.I’massumingyourapartmentisstillcleanatthispoint,andyou’restillrememberingtoputyourshitaway.Fromnowuntil your guests arrive, anytime you’re home and you find your mindwandering—thinking“I shouldplaya littleNintendo,”or“Iwonder if Joe’sgotanypot,”—firsttaketallyofyourapartmentandmakesureit’sstillcleanandyou’restillputtingyourshitaway.Ifthat’sthecase,feelfreetogethighandplayNintendountilyourparentsshowup.Ifnot,getbacktowork!

3. Doyouhaveacarpet?Abasiccarpetcangoa longway.Itdoesn’tneedapattern—in fact, rarely does it need a pattern—and it doesn’t have to bewicked expensive to unify your living spaces.Consider picking up a cheapneutral rug foryour livingroom(refer topage87 toseeroughlyhow largeyourrugshouldbeinrelationshiptoyoursofa,room,coffeetable).

4.Let’sreplacesomeofthejunky-genericlightfixturesthatarealmostcertainlyinyourapartment,and install somethinga little jazzier.Head toyour localhome improvement store and you should be able to pick up something alittlemore stylized for about $39.99.Worth every penny. Even if you canonly afford to replace one fixture—choose the one in themost prominentlocationinyourhomeandtaketheplunge.Followtheinstructionsonpage120,besureyoudon’telectrocuteyourself,andvoila!Instantcharm.

In four simple steps (combinedwitha truly ferociouscleaningsession),you’ve

utterlychangedyourhome.Obviouslythere’sstillmoretodoifyou’replanningonimpressinganyonelong-term,butatleastthiswillkeepthemiceatbay,andcomfortyourparentswhileyouactuallygetyourshittogether.

HowtoPaintYourHomeWithoutFearorRegret:ColorDo’sandDoNot’s

The“choosingyourcolors”checklist.

I’d like to say that there are absolute rules about painting your home. Like“Neverpaint your bedroomgreen,” or “Alwayspaint your ceilingswhite,” butthe truth is there are always exceptions to the rules—daring individuals whopainteverysurface in theirkitchenkellygreenwithstunningresults;designerswho love painting bathrooms black and ceilings gray; entire Pinterest pagesdevoted to red lacquered dining rooms. So not only is that inaccurate, butblanketstatementslike“Neverblank-blank-blank”arestupid.However,Imightputanasteriskintherethatsays,*“Whenindoubt,don’t . . .”Andthat’swhatthischapterisallabout.

When it comes to painting, the failure-to-success ratios are visible in firsthomes across theworld, so if I can’t showup in your living room to give youpointersfirsthand,mybestbetistogiveyouareliablelistofquestionsyoucanaskyourselfandtipstoguideyouranswers.ThefactofthematteristhatallIcantell you about the actual paint colors themselves is opinion-based, so we canagreetodisagreeonthisoneifyou’dlike.

Mychecklisttendstolookalittlelikethis...

Areyoupaintingthisyourself?Andifyes,howgoodareyouatpainting?

“Why is this relevant when choosing wall color?” you might ask. Becausecertaincolorsareforgivingandcertaincolorsaremerciless.Andifyousuckatpainting,youshouldprobably stick to theeasyones, just to lessenyour failureratealittle.

Dark, saturatedcolorsare (obviously)morevisible incontrast toyourwhiteceilingandwhitetrim.Soifyou’reamiserablepainter,thelastthingyouwanttodo is choose wall colors that are going to highlight every drip and error youmake. At this point you’re probably saying, “But I was going to use painter’s

tape.”Bullshit.Painter’stapewon’tsaveyou.Thethingpeopledon’tunderstandaboutpainter’stapeisthatitisnotintendedforamateurpainterstouse,blastinghelter-skelteraroundaroomwithnoregardtotrimandmolding.It’sintendedtofunctionasashieldwhenprofessionalpaintersarecuttingoutaroom.Ifyoudon’t knowhow todo that, painter’s tapewill only lessen the leakagebetweenyour wall color and ceiling, but it isn’t a guarantee. And it definitely isn’tfoolproof.

Honestly,inadditiontogivingyouafalsesenseofsecurity,painter’stapealsocomeswithitsownsetofdisadvantages.Asidefromthefrequentleakage/seepageproblems, italsohasatendencytopullpaintoffofthesurfaceit’smeanttobeprotecting. And don’t even get me started on the tedious process of actuallygetting it straight. If you think I swear a lot in this book, you shouldhearmeputtinguppainter’stape(however,ifyouinsistonusingpainter’stape,swingbypage23whereIwalkyouthroughthedo’sanddon’tsofthatnightmare).

Socirclingback,ifyou’renotagiftedpainter,you’vegotacoupleofoptions:1.Hiresomeonetodoit.2.Followtheinstructionsonhowtocutoutaroom,whichyou’llfindonpage23.3.Choosea lighter,moreforgivingcolorscheme,usea lotofpainter’s tape,andspendafairamountoftimegoingbackafterwardtotouchupthepaintwithateeny-tinypaintbrush.

Howmuchnaturallightcomesintoyourhome?

Paint colors vary enormously depending on the light conditions, so it’simportant to considerhow the colors look inyourhome,not just in thepaintstore.Icannotemphasizeenoughhowworthwhileitistoputasizablesampleonyourwallbeforeyoucommittoawholegallonofpaint.Thesedaysyoucanoftenrequestacustomcolorsamplepotatanymajorhardwarestore—Iknowit’sanextrafivetotendollarsinpaint,andIappreciatethatyou’retryingtokeepyouroverheaddown—butthisisaninstancewherebeingcheapdoesn’tpay.

BUYTHESAMPLE.

Paint an 18" x 18" square in a couple of different spaces in the room you’replanningtopaint.Lookatitinthemorningandagainatnight.Daylightversus

artificial light changepaint colordramatically, so youwant tobe sure that the“soothinggray” thatyou love in themorningdoesn’t look like“babypoop”bylamplight.

Doesthiscolorremindyouofaholiday?

EasterisaBIGno—Iprettymuchavoidallsaccharinpastelswithoutexception.Andyes,Istillapplythisrulewhenpaintingbabies’bedroomstoo.Callmedeadinside if youmust, but inmy opinion, there are toomany nuanced, beautifulshades of pink to excuse “cotton candy pink” in any application. Come onpeople!Wecandobetterthanthat!

Otherholidaysyoushouldbeavoiding:Weirdly,anytimeyouputredandgreeninaroomtogether,regardlessofhow

NOTprimarytheshadesare(wecanbetalkingdeepolivegreenandrustycoral)someonewillsay,“ItkindofremindsmeofChristmas.Andnotinagoodway.”It’sthestrangestthing.Ifyoudon’tbelieveme,tryitout.It’sliketheknee-jerkwhen thedoctorhits youwith ahammer.They just can’tnot say it. Sounlessthat’s something you’re into, take Christmas into consideration when pickingpaint.

Anoldiebutagoodie:TheFourthofJuly.Iknow,right?I’mstrict.Evenifyouownahousenear a beach. For some reason, even thoughpeople canpickoutChristmascolorsfromtwohundredyards,timeandagain,theyoverlookthefactthatthey’vedressedtheirhouselikeayear-roundhomagetoBetsyRossandhergloriousflag.Andoddly,thisisespeciallypopularatthebeach.ForPete’ssake!Yourhomeshouldnotbeacliché. Justbecause it’sclosetothebeachdoesnotmean you should equip it like it’s a nautical supply warehouse. Maybe makesomerulesforyourselfwhendecoratingabeachhouse:

•Strictlynored,white,andbluecolorschemesunlessyouplantointroduceafourthcolortothatrecognizable/overusedtrifecta.

•Noflagsofanykindunlessyoureallyarethatpatriotic.•Andforeveryoneanchororfishingnetyouinstall,youmusthavetennon-

boatingtchotchkes.

Allright.Yougetmydrift.

Howdoyourcolorslooktogether?

Thisisreallymoreofanopinionthanarule.Ihappentothinkthatthewayeachroom relates to the next directly influences how you experience a home as awhole.Ifirmlybelieveinacohesive,thoughtfulaestheticthatflowsfluidlyfromoneroomtothenext.Not“matchy-matchy”(whichisconsideredafate-worse-than-deathininteriordesignthesedays)butstillapurposeful,considereddesignthathasconnectionsthroughoutthehouse.Thefirstwaytodothis isobvious:literally, hold your paint chips together. Think about how they relate to oneanother.Doesoneofthemjumpoutofthecolorscheme,seemingincongruouswiththeothers?Here’sacheesymetaphor,butI’mgoingtogowithit—thinkofyourpaintcolorslikemusicalinstruments.Ideally,theyalladduptoabeautifulorchestra,theindividualcolorsworkingtogethertocreateacohesivewholeforyourhome.Ifyouthrowabagpipeintoaclassicalconcert,everyone’sgoingtobelike,“Whoa.Ididn’tseethatcoming.”Youhavetodecideifthat’sthewayyouwantpeopletoexperienceyourhome,andaskyourself,isthis“unexpected-bad”or“unexpected-good”?Becausethey’renotthesame,people,they’rereallynot.

Unless you’re living in a studio apartment, the colors of one room directlyrelatetothecolorsofthenext,andthewayyouexperiencethemisinrelationtoeach other. Even if you don’t actually see them physically together, youremembertheimpactofonewhenyouenterthenextspace.

Tworulesinone:•Justbecauseacolorlooksgoodonyou,doesn’tmeanyoushouldpaintaroom

thatcolor.•Thatsaid...•Ifacolorlooksterribleonyou,definitelydonotpaintaroomthatcolor.Letmeclarifythisalittlebecauseit’sadmittedlyconfusing.Thereareallsortsofcolors that look terrific with my complexion. Navy: awesome. Olive green:fantastic.Butyouknowwhatlooksparticularlysensational?Coral.Andalloftheshadesofcoral.Rust,paprika,pomegranate.Butespeciallylipstick-from-the-’90scoral.Sothat’snice.It’sgreattoknowwhatcolorslookgoodonyou,anditwillenablemetodressmyselfmorelikethecohesive,coordinatedadultIpretendtobe.However,ittakesareallyspecialgal(andprobablyanevenrarerguy)towakeuptowall-to-wallcoraleverymorningandnotcryoutinfear.

What’s the takeawayhere? Justbecauseyou like thecolordoesn’tmean it’sautomaticallysuitableforanentirebedroom,letalonetherecurringthemeofawholehouse.Don’ttakethisthewrongway,but—leavethedaring,nuttyshittoprofessional designers. They paint people’s houses like that because it

photographsfabulously,notbecauseit’spleasanttoliveinsomeloopy,lilac-on-lilac-on-lilacnightmare.Theydon’thavetowakeupthereeveryday,andhalfthetime,theirfancy-pantsclientsonlysleepinthoseroomsacoupleoftimesayeartoo,soit’snotremotelyasexhaustingforthemasitwouldbefortherestofusregularfolk.Threehundredandsixty-fivedaysof“daring”stopsfeelingdaringatsomepoint,andjustfeelsfuckingcrazy.It’snot“interesting”or“provocative”or“intriguing.”Formostofus,itjuststartstofeeloppressive,nothingmore.

Which leads me to my next point, which sounds, at first glance, to be theoppositeofmypreviouspoint.Ifacolorlooksterribleonyou,seriouslyquestionifyouwanttopaintawholeroomthatcolor.Evenifyoureallylikeit.Becausewhenyou’rehavingadinnerpartyorbringinghomeadate,youdon’twantyourglorious,glowingfacetobesurroundedbyabackdropthatmakesyoulooklikeyou’ve just been pulled out of a river. Obviously it’s not the same as actuallywearing that color (for instance, yellow genuinely makes me look like I’m areanimatedzombie,regardlessofhowmuchsleepI’vehad)butifyou’vepaintedyour walls yellow, that color will still reflect a yellowish cast on you andeverythingelseintheroom.

*Disclaimer: At the rate we’re going, it sounds like I’m basically just saying“PaintYourApartmentWhite,”whichmore likely thannot,your landlordhasalreadydoneahalf-assed jobof. I’mnot sayingonlypaint itwhite. I’msimplysayingdon’tpaint it stupidcolorsonawhim.Yourpaintcolors shouldadd tothecharmanddesignofyourhome.Theyshouldhighlightitsassetsanddistractfromitsshortcomings.Itshouldreflectwhoyouareinasubtle,appropriate-for-ahouseway,notjustinascreaming-like-a-bansheeway.

*Butalsodon’tunderestimatethecharmofwhitepaint.

Wait.I’vegotanotherdisclaimer.

Don’tstressthistoomuch.

Afterallthat,there’sonemorethoughttoaddtoallofthis:Don’ttakeanyofthistooseriously.Takesomeriskstoo.Havealittlefun.Don’tcopoutandjustpainteverything “linen white.” In fact, unless you really fucking love linen white orsomehowwe’ve gone back in time and it’s the 1990s and you’re a New Yorkintellectual living on the UpperWest Side, never paint anything linen white.WhatI’mtryingtosay is thatpaintingyourhouse isnot thesameas tattooing

yourface.Youcanchangeyourmind.Youcanhaveachangeofheart.Youcanrealizelaterthatyou’remoreconservativethanyouthoughtyouwere,andtradeup for white after years of aqua.My point is that choosing your paint colorsshouldn’tstressyououtsomuchthat itparalyzesyoufrommakingadecision.Because,attheendoftheday,youcanalwayspaintoverit.

Anoteoncolors:Justbecauseyou’reaboydoesnotmeanyourcolorpaletteis limited exclusively toprimary colors andcolors that remindyouof cigarbars.Noteverythingneedstobemaroonorhuntergreen.Youdon’thavetogravitate to different shades of chocolate brown in order to assert yourmasculinity.AndfortheloveofGod—blackleathershouldbeusedsparingly.No one’s going to think you’re ladylike just because your sofa is beige, Ipromise.

PaintLikeaProI knowwe’ve already talked aboutmy burning, semi-irrational hatred for thebluepainter’stape,solet’snotgetmestartedagain.We’llkeepitshortandsweetby saying that using blue tapemotivatedme to learn how to paintwithout it.Thatprocessiscalled“edging”andit’swhatseparatesthemenfromtheboys.Ormore like the pros from the amateurs. And once you’ve nailed this, you canprettymuchuse yourpaint brush like apencil—you’ll have such solid controloverthewaythepaintcomesoffthebrush.

Therearereallyonlytwokeystopaintinglikeaprofessional.

1.Buyingtherightpaintbrush

2.Gettingalotofpractice.

ThepaintbrushIrecommendmosthighlyisPurdy’s2½"AngleBrush.SomeofthecontractorsIknowpreferthePurdy2"AngleBrush(someoneactuallysaidtome,“Christina!Whatdoyouwantwithsomuchbrush?”)butyouknowwhat?Toeachtheirown.Istandbymy2½"anglebrush.Anddon’toverlookthebrand.Ashittybrushholdsuplikeashittybrushandpaintslikeashittybrush.Spendtheextrafivebucksandgetabrushworthcaringfor,anditwillbepayforitself

overtime,Iswear.Onceyou’vegottherightbrush,it’stimetounderstandhowtouseit.Idon’t recommend startingwith somethingyouwant to succeedat. Instead

startbypracticingonsomethingyoudon’tactuallyneedtoedge.Like,practicepaintingaperfectlinebetweentwoverticalwallsthatwilleventuallybepaintedthesamecolor,becauseifyoufuckup,itwon’tactuallymatteranditwon’tmakemoreworkforyoutofix.

Okay,herewego:Firstoff,dipyourbrush into the cana littleoverhalfway, togetpainton thebristles.Thenusingthesideofthecan,gentlyscrapepaintoffbothsidesofthebrush, so that it is just lightly coated.Thendip thebristles back in a little lessthanhalfwayandgetpaintontheoppositesideofthebrushfromtheedgeyou’llbepainting.So for instance, if youwere trying toedgebetweenawall and theceiling,youwanttogentlyscrapethepaintoffthesideofthebrushthatwillfacetheceiling,sothat thebulkof thepaintstaysonthesideof thebrushthatwillface down toward thewall. Thenusing the longest bristles (the pointiest part)thinkofthatasyourpenciltip.

Startat thecorner,paint facingdowntowardthesurfaceyouwanttogetpainton,with thepointiestpart in the corner, andpull thebrushbackwards, so thelong point is pulling backwards away from the corner. Keep your eye on thepointy tip of the brush and keep it close to your edge and guide it along . . .Dependingonhowmuchpaintyou’veleftontheundersideofyourbrush,youmay notice it goes on heavily on the wall away from the edge. Once you’vecompletedanicestraight line,youcanreturnwithyourbrush(withoutaddingmorepaint) andhold the brushperpendicular to the edge topull excess paintawayfromtheedgeandmoreevenlyacrossthewall.

Holycow.Thisishardtoexplain.

Themostimportantpiecesofinformationarethese:

•Useananglebrush.•Getpaintononesideofyourbrushandtrytosmoothofftheexcesspainton

theotherside.•Thinkaboutthepointofyouranglebrushlikethepointofapencil,anduseit

toguideyourstraightline.•Pullbackwardsonyourpaintbrushtogetthemostcontrolfromyourangled

brush.•Featheroutexcesspaintonceyou’vepaintedasectionofstraightlineinorder

topreventdriedlumpypaintfromforming.• Practicea lotbeforeyouactuallydive intopainting.Youcanpracticeonan

edgebetweentwowallsthatarepaintedthesamecolor(soyouwon’thavetogobackandforthtryingtofixit)orevenpracticeonapieceofcardboardandtrytodrawstraightlineswiththetipofyourbrush.

Whenyouholdyourpaintbrush,holditthesamewayyouholdapencil.Reallytrytothinkaboutthetipofitandthewayyouuseitjustlikeapencil.Therealkeytomasteringthepaintbrushis thinkingabout itdifferently.It isnolongeronlyawaytomakebigwidestrokes,butalsoawaytomakethin,precisestrokes.Iswearyoucandothis.Practicemakesperfect.Andonceyou’vemasteredit,notonlywillyoubeabletopaintaroominaflash,butyou’llneverhavetousethatgoddamnbluetapeeveragain!

Kitchens:OnaBudget

Renovatingyourkitchenisprettymuchthemosttransformativeprojectyoucantackle—butit’salsooneofthemostexpensive.Ifyou’renotinapositiontogowhole-hog, there are a bunch of “little fixes” which will drastically improvethingswithoutmakingyourselfevenmorebrokeintheprocess.

You can consider these stop-gap solutions until you’ve saved up to do itproperly, or you can square yourself with the reality that you’re probably notgoingtogut-renovatethislandlord-ownedkitchenanytimesoon,andmakethemostofit.

ReplacingYourKitchenHardwareHandlesThis is an easy improvement that’s basically a no-brainer. It’s such aninexpensive tweak toyourexistingcabinets—asimpleway towash thestainof“genericcontractor”fromyourkitchenwithoutdoingamajoroverhaul.Andallitrequiresisatapemeasure,ahardwarestore,ascrewdriver,andalittlepatiencescrewingandunscrewing(wink,wink).

Let’s get started: The first thing you want to do is measure your existingcabinet hardware. The easiest way to do this is to remove a handle and thenmeasurethedistancebetweenthedrilledholesinyourcabinetdoors.Refertothelittlesketchbelowtobesureyou’remeasuringthecorrectdistance(thisdistance,FYI, is called center-to-center. The reason you need to know that is not toimpressfriendsorpotentialmates,butbecausewhenyoustartshoppingfornewhandles,thesizeofthehandleisoftenreferredtoas3"cc,or4"cc.Thisisn’tthesize of the whole handle, but the distance from the center of one hole to thecenteroftheother.Center-to-center.).

Once you’vedetermined thatdistance, double check that all of your cabinethardware is thesamesize.Youcaneyeball it,or ifyou’renotsure,measureallthehandlessoyouknowhowmanyofeachsizeyou’regoingtoneed.Anotherthing tonote: if your cabinetshave visiblehinges, you should considerbuyingcabinet hardware in the same finish as the visible hinges. This will make thewholethinglookmuchmoreproandmuchlessschmo.

Atthispoint,youcanheadtothehardwarestoretobuyyournewreplacementhandles.OR you can also shop for hardware online,where you’ll find amuchmore expansive selection than what you’ll find at Home Depot or Lowes. Ifyou’re doing your shopping in person, I highly recommendbringing your oldhandle with you, so you can double check your measurement and remindyourselfwhatyou’regettingridof.Anotherthingtonotewhenyou’restillatthehardwarestore:youmightdiscoveryourcabinetsaretoothinortoothickforthescrewsthataccompanyyournewhardware.Oftentimesyoucanuse thescrewsfrom your old hardware, but if not, you’ll have to buy additional screws toaccommodate your cabinet door size. Definitely ask for help at the hardwarestoreifthisfeelsdauntingandsomeonecanhelpyoufigureoutwhatlengthwillwork.

Onceyou’vegotyournewhandles,you’llneedthatinvaluabletool:patience.Because it’s slow and boring removing and replacing cabinet hardware. TheHow-Toforthatisprettyself-explanatory:Usingascrewdriverordrill(ifyou’vegotone) remove the screws fromthebackofyouroldcabinethardware.Now,using the same screwdriver or drill, install your new handles. Dull, but wortheverysecond,becauseintheend,yourcabinetswillhaveanewleaseonlife,andyourkitchenwilllookthatmuchlessdismal!

HowtoReplaceYourKitchenFaucet(andWhy)

This isanotheroneof thoseprojects thatseparates theboys fromthemen—ormore specifically, the short-term tenants from the long-term. Because, let’s behonest, if you’re only going to live there for a year before you pack up forsomething better, you might as well not bother replacing the horrible lightfixtures,paintingthewalls,orbuyingagorgeousrug,andsavetherestofyourenergyandbudgetforthenextapartment.But,ifyou’replanningtostickitout—thesechangesarewortheverysecondandeverypenny.

Replacingyourkitchenfaucetisagreatprojecttocompletewhenyou’reinthemidstofyourotherkitchenimprovements,likechangingthecabinethardware,orpaintingthecabinetdoors.It’saperfectopportunitytounifytheaestheticofyourkitchenhardware—swappingout thegrungyold faucet anddateddrawerpullsforamorecleanandcontemporarystyleforeverything.Headtoyourlocalhardwarestore—orbetteryet,IKEA—topickupyournewhardware.Theyhaveanawesomeselectionofmodernhandlesand faucets,on themega-cheap!Thetransformative affect of replacing this hardware will blow you away—it’s likegivingyourselfabrand-newkitchenforabout$150total.WhenIputitthatway,it’stemptingtodoitevenifyouaremovingoutinayear.Because365daysofanicerkitchendefinitelyhasitsperks.

So now that I’ve persuaded you to tackle this project, lemme tell you how:Stuffyou’regoingtoneed:•Basinwrench•Adjustablewrenches•Puttyknife•Abucket•Newfaucet•Siliconecaulk•Plumber’stape

Start by picking your new faucet. As Imentioned, your best bet is to head toIKEAor ahome store, andpickout anew faucet thatwillbe compatiblewithyourexistingplumbingsetup.Ifyoulookunderyourkitchensink,you’llbeabletoseehowmanyholesareinthesink,whichwillindicatethetypeoffaucetyoucanbuy.Whenyou’rechoosingyourfaucet,alsotakenoteofhowtall it isandhow far it reaches into your sink. Different faucets are intended for differentsinks, sodon’toverlook thosedimensionswhileyou’re shopping,oryoucould

endupwithsomethingwildlyinappropriateforyourkitchen.Nowyou’rereadytogettotherealstuff...

Handy hint: I highly recommend sticking your head back under your sinkandtakingaphotoofhoweverythingisconnected.Youwill thankmelaterwhenyou’recrammedinyoursinkcabinet,tryingtofigureoutwhatconnectstowho.

Startbyremovingyouroldfaucet:

• Turnoff thewatervalves,usually locatedunderyour sink, and thenbrieflyturnonthefaucettomakesureallofthepressurehasbeenreleasedfromthelines.

•Positionyourbucketunderthesupplyconnections,andthendisconnectthesupplylinesfromthefaucet,usingawrenchifneeded.

•Nowthatit’sdisconnectedfromthewatersupply,you’regoingtophysicallyremove the old jacked-up faucet from your sink. Using your basin wrench,loosen thenuts thatareholding the faucet inplace.Note:Youmayneedanextrapairofhandstoholdthefaucetinpositionwhileyouloosenthenut,oritwilljustgospinningaround.

•Onceyou’veremovedthenuts,youshouldbeabletoremovetheentirefaucet.Cleanoffthegrimeleftbehindbytheoldsink,andscrapeoffanyoldsiliconeor caulk that might have been left behind. Be prepared—it will almostcertainlybeextremelygrossunderandaroundyouroldfaucet.

Andnowwegettoinstallthenewfaucet(Thishasn’tbeentoodifficultsofar,right?Itoldyouthiswouldbeworththehassle)!

•Toinstallthenewfaucet,takeitoutofthepackaging,andifthereisarubberringorgasketthatismeanttogobetweenthefaucetandthesink,setthatin

position.PLEASEreadtheinstructionsthatcomewithyourfaucetcarefully—not all faucets are identical, and you should make absolutely sure you’reinstalling your faucet the way it is supposed to be installed—rather thanignoring their instructions in favor ofmymore general directions. I do notwant to get a phone call saying your kitchen sink is leaking and it’s allmyfault, just because you chose to ignore a vital step to ensure successfulinstallation.Nodice.

• Okay, now you’re going to set your new faucet in place. Lead the waterconnectionlines(connectedtothebottomsideofthefaucet)throughtheholein the sink, and back under the sink. Then, using your wrench, install thewashers and nuts that comewith the faucet, and tighten into position. Youmightneedthatextrasetofhandsforthisparttoo—oragain,yourfaucetmayjust wiggle around without getting much tighter. Now you’re going toreconnectthewatersupplylinestothefaucethoses.Ihappentobeabigfanofplumber’stape(alsocalledTeflontape)whichisusedtogetanicesecuresealwhenyou’redealingwithplumbing.

•YoucanwraptheTeflontapearoundthefaucethose-end,andthenturnthenutontheendofthesupply lineuntil it is tight.(Whileyouwantthis tobetight,becarefulnottotwistthistoo-toohardoryoucandamagethethreads

onthehose...)• Onceyou’vereconnectedbothsupply lines,putyourbucketbackunderthe

joints,turnthehandlesothesinkis“on”andthengraduallyturnyourvalvesback on.Watch for aminute or two to ensure you’ve got secure joints andabsolutely no water is leaking out. If you’re leak-free, you’re good to go!Congratulations—youjustinstalledyourfirstfaucet!See,Iknewyoucoulddoit!

RevitalizeCabinetsforanInstantFaceliftThis is an awesome way to personalize your generic kitchen, but not for theaverageslacker.Ifyoudon’tthinkyoucankeepyourplatesandglassestidy,andyou’re not willing to make a plan and stick with it, hide your shame behindclosed cabinet doors and go on your merry way. However, if you’re game tomake the minimal effort to keep your shelves and cupboards organized, andyou’ve already taken the “drastic measure” to buy somematching dishes andplates, this is a super simple project that will really pump your kitchen up anotch. It’s also a fun and inexpensive opportunity to incorporate one of youraccentcolorsbypaintingthebackofyourcabinetswithapunchofcolor;whichwill thenallowyoutobuy inexpensivewhitedishesandplates tocontrastwiththebrighter colorbehind.So if you’vegot thewherewithal, thisproject canbeboth a cost-effective and low-labor way to personalize your kitchen (withoutbuyingfunnymugs.)Quickandeasypaintingproject:

More likely than not, the apartment or home you now live in has a kitchen.However,oddsaregoodthataestheticallythatkitchenleavesmuchtobedesired.When I moved into my beloved hovel, the kitchen cabinets were warped,yellowed,grease-infusedIKEAcabinets,beggingforrenewal.(Orreplacement,ifonlymybudgetwasbigger.)SinceIknewIwasn’tgoingtobereplacingallofthecabinetsanytimesoon, Idecided toopt for thequick-and-easy-budget-friendlyalternativeof...PAINTINGTHEM!

This is such an easy projectwithmajor results. You’ve got to put in a little

timetodoitcorrectly,butyourskilllevelcanbereallybasicandyou’llgetterrificresults.

Myplanhere:Removetheuppercabinetdoors,paintthebackinteriorwallofthe upper cabinets with a popping, eye-catching color, and then organizemydishesandglassestocreateanopenandplayfuldisplayspacethatalsoprovidesultra-functionalstorageinthisurbankitchen.

There’sonlyonecatch—andthisiswhatdefinestheamateursfromthepros,folks.

Doingthisprojectonlyaddssomethinggreat toyourkitchen ifyouput thingsback where they belong. Yep. I said it. Put the glasses where the glasses go(shock!). Put the plateswhere the plates go (gasp!). Pick a spot for all of yourplates,bowls,glasses,andmugs,andthenputeverythinginitsplace.Thisisnotrocketscience.This iswhatseparatesusfromanimalswithnothumbs.Iknowyoucandoit.

SUPPLIES:

•Quartself-primingmatteorsemi-glosspaint•2"Angledpaintbrush•4"Rollerbrushandhandle•Painter’stapeasneeded

STEP 1: Start by removing your upper cabinet doors. As you can see in thisrentalkitchen, theexistingcabinetdoorsarediscoloredandold,andalsohave

dreadfuldatedhardware, sorather thanreplacing thedoorsandhandles,we’rejust taking themoff altogether! (Don’t forget: If you’re a renter, your landlordmay want those cabinet doors back one day, so find a stealthy place to stashthem,likeunderyourbedorsofa)STEP2:Takethetimetoprepyourcabinetsbywipingthemdownwithadampclothtomakesureyou’repaintingonacleansurface. Then using painter’s tape, tape off the area you’re planning to paint,tapingallfourssidesofthecabinetthatsurroundtherearinset.Forthisproject,we’rejustdoingtherearoftheinteriorofthecabinet,sowegetabolddefinitionagainstthecolorsofourdishwareandlowercabinetry.

STEP3:Ichoseadeepslategrayformypopcolor,whichtiesinnicelywiththedarkgraycountertopsinmyrentalkitchen.Ialsohavetonsofbrightlycoloredvintagedishes,soIdidn’twanttochooseacolorthatclashedwithordetractedfromthevibrancyofmydishes.Ifyou’vegotmoreneutraldishwaretodisplay,aboldcolorcanenliveneventhemostordinarysetsofdishes!Usingyour4"anglebrush,beginbypaintingthefouredgesofeachinset.(Note:Justbecauseyou’veusedpainter’stape,it’sstillworthwhiletotrytopaintastidilyaspossible,sothat

yourcleanupafterwardisminimal)

STEP4:Onceyou’vefinishedallofyouredging,comebackinwithyour4"paintroller brush and fill in the remaining gaps. Depending on the size of yourcupboards, you may find a roller is unnecessary, but it will give you a moreconsistent,evencoatofpaintthanabrush.

STEP 5: Once you’ve finished all of the painting, let everything dry forapproximately 30–60minutes (or until dry to the touch) before removing thepainter’s tape. And then—the fun part! It’s time to style your dishware andplatterstomakethemostofyourtransformedopencabinets!

*Be aware that the paint is delicate for up to twenty-fourhours, so youmightwanttowaitovernightbeforepositioningallofyourdishesandglasses.

PersonalizeYourKitchenThis isamore labor intensiveproject thanremovingyouruppercabinetdoorsand painting the recesses, but if you do it properly, it can really turn thingsaround in your otherwise grimkitchen.About half the people I know inNewYork are living, against their will, with contractor grade semi-oak lookingcabinets.Youknowtheones—raisedpanel.Reminiscentofasuburbanbasementin1972.Sougly.Socheap.Butitdoesn’thavetobethatway.Ifyouputinthetimetopaintyourcabinetsproperly(andyoumaintainthemthoughtfully),yourlandlordwillthankyoufortransforminghismiserableshitholeintoamagazineworthyhome.Andpaintingthecabinetsisagreatstepinthatdirection.

Ican’temphasizeenoughtheimportanceofproperprepworkforthisproject.Proper prep and proper paintwill basically determine if this projectworks orendsupbeinganightmarishdisasterofepicproportion.

We’regoingtobreakthisprojectintophases,becausethereareafairnumberofsteps,andyoushouldreallydothiscorrectlyoryouANDyour landlordaregonnaregretit.Plantodevoteatleastaweekendtothisproject—notbecauseit’sforty-eight hours of work, but because there’s a lot of drying time requiredbetweensteps.Sodon’tstartthisFridaynightandplanonhavingpeopleoverfordinner on Saturday unless you’re prepared to do your cooking surrounded byhalfpaintedcabinetdoors.

Stuffyou’llneed:•Fine-gritSandpaperorsandingblock•Screwdriver/Drill•Primerandpaint,orpaintwithbuilt-inprimer•Angledpaintbrush/mini4"foamrollerandHandle•Bluetape•Spongeandbasiccleaningsupplies•Patience

PhaseOne:Gettingready

Startbyremovingallofyourcabinethardware.Takeoffeachhandleandeachhinge, and label accordingly, so you know who goes where when it’s time toreassemble.

STEP1:Putbluepainter’stapeontheundersideofyourcountertoptoprotectthecounterfromwhereyou’llbepaintingyourbasecabinets.Likewise,ifyou’repaintingyouruppercabinetstoo,putpainter’stapeonyourbacksplash,whereitintersectswiththeuppercabinets.

STEP2:Nowremove thecabinetdoors.Again,keep trackofwhichdoorgoeswhere—thiswillmake itSOmucheasier toreassembleyourkitchenwhenthisprojectisfinished.Dothesamewiththedrawerfrontsiftheycanberemoved;ifnot, put blue tape around the edges to make sure you end up painting whatyou’re supposed topaint, and leavinga cleanedgearound the rest.Don’tbe aslackerwhenitcomestousingbluepaint.Theideaisthatwewantthistolookprofessional,sosloppyedgesareano-go.

If your cabinets were really greasy or grubby, you might want to take thisopportunitytospraythemdownwithahouseholdcleanerbeforeyousandthem.Thismight seem counterintuitive, considering you’re just about to sand them,but in actual fact, greasewill often smear and spreadwhenyou sand it, so it’s

mucheasiertogetitoffbeforeyoustart.

PhaseTwo:Sanding

STEP3:Onceyou’veremovedallofthehardwareanddoors,it’stimetorough’em up a little. Using your fine-grit sandpaper (or a fine-grit sanding block,whichIhappento love)sandwiththegrainofyourdoors. Ifyourdoorsdon’thave any grain (thank you, IKEA) just give them a gentle buffing to give thepaintsomethingtoholdonto.Thekeyhereisgentle.

STEP 4: After you’ve done your light sanding, use a damp cloth to wipeeverythingdown,soallthedust,etc.isremovedbeforeyoustarttopaint.

PrimeTime(Sorry,couldn’tnotsayit):Sotheprimingpartofthisprojectismildlycontroversial.It’srecommendedthatyouuseaprimerfirst,applytobothsides,allowingeachsidetodrythoroughly(obviously), and then apply your paint after. But, if you ask prettymuch anypaintstoreguy(orme) they’ll tellyouthatyoucanskipastepbyusingaself-primingpaintandyougettwo-stepsinone,whichishardtoresist.I’mgoingtoleavethatdecisiontoyou,soyoucan’tblamemelaterifyou’renothappywithyour results.Foryour information, I’mreallyquite lazy (andyouprobablyaretoo),soIoptedfortheself-primerwhenIcompletedthisproject,andasofthismoment,I’mverypleasedwithmyresults.

STEP5:Forbothprimingandpainting,youcanusejustanangledpaintbrush,oryoucanuseanangledpaintbrushanda4"foamroller.IhappentolikethefinishIgetfromafoamroller—it’saboutascloseasyoucangettoasprayed-onfinishwithouthavingtospraypaintyourdoors(whichisbasicallyanimpossibleundertakingifyouliveinanapartment.It’sonethingtospraypaintachairon

thestreet,butittakesamuchbolderindividualtolugadozencabinetdoorsoutonto the curb to spray paint them.Not worth the effort or the scorn of your

neighborsinmyopinion.)

However, if you’ve got doors with lots of raised or recessed paneling, you’rebetter off using an angled brush and skipping the roller altogether. And it’sdefinitely easier to use a brush than a rollerwhen you’re painting the cabinetboxes anddrawer surrounds, because you’ve got to keep a close eye on excesspaintanddrips.Whenyou’reapplyingpaint,startwiththebacksideofthedoors,goingagainst thegrainof thecabinet,andthenswitchingdirectionsandgoingwiththegrain.Thiswillgetthepaintthoroughlyintothecrevicesofthewood,and get you a nice even finish.While you’re waiting for the first side of thecabinet doors to dry, direct your attention to the cabinet boxes and drawersurrounds,andthenwheneverything isappropriatelydry, flipoveranddotheotherside.

STEP6:Now—ifyou’vedecidedtouseprimerbeforeyoupaint(overachiever)youwill need to do another light sanding in between the primer coat and the

coat of paint. Nothing vicious, just another light buffing with the fine-gritsandingblocktogivethenextlayerofpaintsomethingtoadhereto.

If that’s the case, don’t forget to wipe everything down with a damp clothagain,andthenapplyyourpaint,firsttothebacksideofthecabinetdoors,thenthecabinetboxesanddrawerfronts,andfinally,flipthecabinetsoverandpaintthefrontsidesoncethebacksidehassufficientlydried.

An importantdistinction: If you’reprimingand thenpainting, youcan flipyourprimeddoorsoveroncetheprimerisdrytothetouch.Ifyou’reusingaself-primingpaint,letthemdryforacoupleofhourstomakesureyoudon’tbuggerupthepaintwhenyouflipthemover.

Reassembly!

STEP 7: Now you get to see the fruits of your labor! Once you’ve allowedeverythingtodryreallythoroughly(Irecommendatleastovernight,ifnotforaday or two, depending on the weather/altitude/etc.) you can reassemble yourkitchencabinets. Startby reinstalling thehandles anddrawerpulls, beforeyouputthepiecesbackonthecabinetboxes.Theperkofdoingthatisthatyoucanthenuse thehandles tohold thecabinetswhileyou’rereinstalling them,whichmakesthewholeprocessalittleeasier,andlessensthelikelihoodofyoufuckingupyourdoorsbeforeyouevengettousethem.

Then screwdrawer facesbackonto thedrawerboxes, reattachhinges to thedoors,andthen(aren’tyouSOgladyoulabeledeverything!?)reattachthehingesto the cabinet boxes. And there you have it, folks. You’ve just completelytransformedyourkitchen.

Maintaining your painted cabinets: Now that you’ve got these gorgeouscabinets, you’ll need to maintain them. You can wipe them down with adamptowel to removedustandgrease,but thebest thing is touseamagicerasertogentlyremoveanygunkthatmightbuilduponyourcabinetdoors.Prepareyourself—youmayperiodicallyhavetotouchupthepaintasmidgen—ifyou’vedoneallofthesestepsproperly,youshouldonlyneedtotouchuponce a year or so, at max, but if somebody smacks a cabinet door with asaucepanor something, don’t be surprised if youhave tohit itwith a littlepaint to get it back up to snuff. No one said beauty was easy. Don’t be awhiner.

Putyourshitaway.

IknowI’vealreadydriventhishome,butIthinkthekitchenisaspacewherethismessagecangetmuddled.IncaseIwasn’tbeingtotallyclear,putyourshitaway.If Icome inyourhouseandfindacounter top fullofspices,bottlesofoilandvinegars,andstacksofbowlsandpitcherslitteringyoursurfaces—that’sit.We’redone.I’mbreakingupwithyou.IfI’vetoldyouonce,I’vetoldyouathousandtimes.PutYourShitAWAY!Idon’tcarehowoftenyouusethatoliveoil.Idon’tcare if you use thatmeasuring cup for your smoothies everymorning. I don’tcare. It’s no excuse. Use those wonderful appendages you’ve got (arms) andremovesaidmeasuringcupfromthenearestdrawer.Putyourplateswheretheplatesgo(pickaspotinyourcupboardandrunwithit)andjustalwaysputthembackthere.Decidewhereyourcoffeecupsandglassesbelong,anddothesame.Andyouknowwhat’sgreat?Ifyoujustalwaysputplatesinoneplaceandglassesinanother,whenyou’vegot friendsorguestsover, they’llbeable toputthings

backintheircorrectlocationbecausethere’saclearlocationforeachthing.Samegoesforpantrygoods.Ifallthecannedfoodisinoneplace(notyourcounter!)itwillbeeasy to seewhere itgoesandwhere to find it. If all thecereal is inoneplace,that’swhereyou’llkeepyourcereal.FortheloveofPete,don’tkeepfoodon your counter, unless it’s a beautiful bowl of fruit or vegetables. Google“kitchendesign.”Doanyofthosephotosshownheapsofassorteddishwareandpilesofboxedfoodstackeduponthecounter?NO!Becausethat’snotthewaytouse your kitchen. It consumes your counter top space, makes cooking morefreneticanddisorganized,andfrankly,lookslikeshit.I’mgladyouuseyouroliveoil every day—it’s a wonderful good fat and it’s been said to prevent certainkindsofcancer.Thisdoesnotmeanyoushouldleaveitsittingout.

Okay.Soyou’vedecidedtoleaveyouroliveoilouteventhoughItoldyounotto.Iunderstandthatnoteveryonecanfallinline—sometimesyoujustneedtoassertyourownautonomy.Fine.Leaveitonthecounter.Butifthat’swhatyou’regoingtoinsistondoing,dome(andyourself)afavor,andputitinapretty bottle. Personally, I like to take an empty bottle of wine withsentimentalvalue(fromananniversarydinner,awonderfulvacation,alovelygift)andfillitwitholiveoil.ThenIbuyabarpour-stopper,putthatbabyontop of the wine bottle and now you’ve got a bottle of olive oil worthdisplaying.Andit’salittletokenofmemorabiliatoboot.Doesn’tthatlookalittlenicerthantheshittyGoyabottlesittingnexttoyourstove?Comeon.Upyourgamealittle.

AccessorizeandSettheTable

AndIdon’tjustmeanputtingoutplatesandforks.

Setting the table seems tobe simple enough—plates, forks, ideallyknives sincewe’renotheathens, anddependingonwhatyou’re eating,maybea spoon.Putnapkinsonthetableandyou’reofftotheraces.

But let’s step back and try to get this a littlemore “right” from the get-go,because there is a world of difference between a table set with mismatched,jacked-upplates andmugs of different sizes and the thoughtfully set table I’mtalkingabout.This“thoughtfullysettable”doesn’thavetocostyouafortune—we’restillaiminglowhere,sodon’tgetnervousthatI’msuggestingyousetthetablelikeyou’reafour-starrestaurant—I’mjustsuggestingthatalittlecohesioncanmakeallthedifference.

Let’sstartwithwhattobuyandwhere:

Ifwe’rereallyadheringtoatightbudget:HeadtoIKEAorTarget.YouknowI’m the first person to encourage secondhandor vintage purchases, but this isoneinstancewheresimplerisbetter,andbasicwhitecan’tbebeat.Youcanbuyacomplete dish set from IKEA for twenty-nine dollars, which will give you anutterly uneventful (but also entirely unoffensive!) set of dinner plates, saladplates, andbowls for sixpeople.That’s$1.66perpiece.Undeniably cheap. I’mnotsayinganyoneisgoingtocomeintoyourhouseandsay,“Wow.You’vesetastunning dinner table” with a twenty-nine-dollar dish set from IKEA, but

basicallywhatyou’vedoneisappliedthesame“Cleanitup.Putitaway,”homeimprovementtheorytoyourdiningroomtable.Ifyoucan’taffordanarrestingandpurposeful arrayof strategicallymixed-and-matchedplateware, just erronthe side of simplicity and your table and guests will thank you. And you willthankyourself,becauseevenifyou’reonlyeatingcerealinthemorning,itfeelssomuchbetter to start yourday eating out of an actual bowl rather than thatplasticChinesedeliverycontaineryourinsedoutfromlastnight.Becausethat’sgross,guys.FYI.

Nowlet’sapplythesamelogicfortherestofthetable.

•Setof6,orbetteryet,8waterglasses.• Same number of wine glasses. When in doubt, always buy extra glasses

because:A.Theywillbreak.It’sinevitable.B.Youcanneverhavetoomanyglasses.Sweartogod.

Set of six mugs. I really doubt you’ll need eight. DON’T BUYMUGSWITHSAUCERS.Youwillneverusethem,and90percentofthetime,mugsthatcomewithsaucersareactuallyteacups,whichholdlike8oz.ofliquidratherthanthetypical 12 oz. coffee mug. It’s a ridiculously small, completely unsatisfyingamountofliquid.Don’tbeasucker.Don’tbuycupsandsaucers.

Pleasegetridofyourfunnymugs.

Thiswillnotbeeasytodo,especiallyifyoursignificantotheristhecollectorofthese funny mugs. I still have funny mugs in my house after ten years ofcampaigningagainstthem.Ifyouwinthisbattle,hatsofftoyou.

Silverware: Once again, this doesn’t have to be lavish. It doesn’t need to besilver-plated,engraved,orantique.Justmatching.Enoughforeveryoneatyourtabletohaveafork,aspoon,andaknife.Soifyou’vegotsixoreightplate-sets,getasimilaramountofsilverware.Andjustlikeglasses,youcanneverhavetoomuchmatchingsilverware,soifyou’vegottheoptionofasetoffourorasetofeight,gowitheight.Becauseatsomepoint,youwillaccidentallythrowaspoonaway...Sod’slaw.

Napkins:Therearevariousschoolsofthoughtonthenapkin,andIdon’twantyoutostressthistoomuch.Itwouldbeniceifyou’dbuypapernapkins,sowhenyou’re entertaining you can offer your guests something a little nicer than afolded-uppapertowel.Evenifyouonlyusethesepapernapkinswhenyouhaveguests, splurgea little andkeep themonhand. If youwant toupyourgamealittle, buy some cloth napkins. Again, nothing fancy. Please be sure they’remachine washable and ideally, wrinkle-free. Something that won’t drive younuts,because ifyoubuysomethingthatrequires ironing,you’regoingtocursethe day you read this book, andme alongwith it. Personally, I actually preferusingclothnapkinssomuchthatIboughtacoupleofsetsforoureverydayuse;but if you’re not feeling that fancy, you could just buy enough for specialoccasions (sixoreight)andonlybreak themout forguests. I think thenapkinmightbeadefiningmomentinthejourneytowardnotbeingatotalfuckingslob.Weirdbuttrue.Whenyoudecideyou’rereadyforclothnapkins,it’slikeaddinganotherbadge inyour“moderatelygrownup”sash.Becauseyou’realsosaying“I’m capable of doing laundry regularly” aswell as “I amwilling to fold thesepiecesoffabricsotheylooknice.”Thosearebothdeclarationsthatshouldnotbetakenlightly.You’rereallymovingupintheworld.

Thepointhereistosimplyandinexpensivelyunifythepiecesonyourtable,sothatyourtablelookstidy.Itmayfeelalittlebland,butatleastitdoesn’tfeellikeadorm-roomkitchen.And frankly, you can lay a table setting like this, throwacoupleofwhiteliliesintoavase,andclaimtobeamodernist.Noonewilleventhink you’re being boring. They’ll think you’re being minimalist. Andsophisticated.They’llneverevensuspectyou’rejustbeingcheap.

Ifminimalismreallyisn’tyourstyle,andyourbudgethasalittlewiggleroominit...Youcanalsoaddinacoupleoffuncontrastpiecestojazzthissimplesetup.Considerbuyingsixcontrastingsaladplatessoyoucanlayeryourplainandplayfulpiecestogetherwithoutmakingthewholethinglooklikeanarchy.

Basicformula:WhitePlate/BrightPlate/WhiteBowl.Andifyou’rereadytotakethe plunge: Colorful cloth napkins that speak to your colorful accent plates.Voila.Simple,withalittlepizazzthrownin.

Still keep your coordinatingwine glasses, water glasses, and silverware; andyou’veaddedsomevarietytoyourtablewithoutsacrificingthesimplecohesionofourearlierplacesettings.

IknowI sound likeahaterhere,but try toresist the temptation to layyourdiningtablelikesomeoverzealousMarthaStewartwannabe.Allthegourdsandtinselmakemeuncomfortable,andwillprobablymakeyourfriendsnervoustoo.Whenatableissocoveredincrap,it’shardtoknowwhattodowithyourselforwheretoputanything.Yougetanxiousthatyou’regoingtoelbowoverawineglassorinappropriatelydisrupt(oraccidentlyeat)thedisplay—thewholethingis just too stressful in my opinion. Hosting a dinner for friends should feelwelcoming and warm—not stuffy or contrived—so making everyone dancearounddecorative squash and orbs is down right unnecessary.Keep it simple:leave themise-en-place to theMichelin-starred joints, the silly decorations toMartha,andjustfocusonbeingagoodhost.Becauseattheendoftheday—it’smore likely that your guests will remember if they had fun than they willremember your handmade name tags in the shape of ghosts. And frankly, ifthat’snotthecase:youreallyneedtoworkonyoursocialskills.

Bathrooms:TempleofDoom

SprucingUpYourBathroomLet’sstartsimpleandeventuallywecanworkourwayuptosomeof themoreambitiousbathroomrenovationprojects.

First:stopwhatyou’redoingandgointoyourbathroom.Whatdoyousee?

•Mildew-ytub,moldytilework?•Rumpled,mismatchedtowelsthatsmelllikeadogbed?• Bathmaton the floor,dingy frombeing steppedonwith shoes;damp from

neverbeingallowedtodryproperly?•Hygieneproductssittingoneveryavailablesurface,oftenwiththecapoffand

somethingoozingout?•Don’ttellme:IsyourshowercurtainapictureoftheNewYorkCitysubway

map? Does it have a witticism written on it, or have a funny cartoon ofsomething?

•Areyourshowercurtainringsthoseweirdplasticcirclesfromthe1980sthatliterallycannotbebroken?

It’s time to stepupyourbathroomgame,people.Partof living likeanadult isnot having a revolting cesspool for a bathroom. YOU ARE NOT IN THEDORMSANYMORE.No one is going to show up and clean your communalbathroomonceaweekforfree,soifyoudon’tdoit,itwon’tgetdone.

Let’s start by takingdownyour overly charismatic shower curtain.This is acommonmisconceptionforsomereason.Iguessbecausebathroomsarehardtochange without major renovation, people feel the desire to infuse theirpersonalityintotheroombyaddingafunnyorinterestingshowercurtain.Resistthe temptationtodo this.Really. I swearI’mnotcampaigning tomakeyouallboring,milquetoast lemmings. I’m just trying todiscourageyou fromhavingabathroombettersuitedforatween.

Becauselet’sfacefactsguys,you’renottweensanymore.Toughluck.

So we’ll start by taking down your personality-curtain, along with the datedplasticshowerringsthatprobablycamewithyourapartment.Thenlet’sheadtoyour local home-improvement store where we can pick up all of the supplieswe’regoingtoneedtomakeyourbathroomnotgross.

Here’swhatwe’reshoppingfor:•Heavy-dutyvinylorwashablewhiteclothshowerliner• Simple shower curtain (whatwe’re looking for here is essentiallywhite,

withatmost,amodicumofflourish.Maybewhitewithaneyeletpattern.

Maybewhitewitha colorful embroidered trim.Maybe,maybewhite andone panel of color, if we’re really feeling adventurous. But even better:simplewhitelinen.Ohyeah.

•SoftScrubCommercialGradeCleaner• Dependingonhowgrodyyourbathroomtile is,youmightevenwantto

springforCommercialTileCleaner.“Zep”makesadieselversionthatwillspruceupeventhemostneglectedtilework

•Metalshowercurtainrings.Assimpleaspossible•Rubbergloves•Scrubbysponge

Now that we’ve got our supplies, let’s get started. Basically, you’re going toclean your bathroom.Yep. That’s the gist of this “D-I-Y.”Time to clean yourbathroom and actually get it clean. If you don’t subscribe to using toxicchemicalslikeSoftScruborZep,Itotallysaluteyou.Ijustalsohavenointentionof showering in your bathroom. Bathrooms should be clean. Really fuckingclean.Andforme,thatmeansBLEACH.Ifyoudisagree,gohugatreeandwe’llreconveneafterI’mfinishedsterilizingthisbathroom.

If Iwere you, I’d start from the top andwork yourwaydown.Puton yourrubber gloves and spray down your tile work with the Zep (usually a dilutedsolution—readtheinstructionsonthebottle).Letitsitasinstructed,thenbeginwashingitdown,sprayingthetilewithyourshowerhead,scrubbingallthewhileandworkingyourwaydowntothetub.Youmightneedtodoacoupleofroundsofthis,dependingonhowdisgustingyourtilesare,howmuchbuilt-upmildewisonthereandhowdiscoloredyourgroutis.

Once you’ve done that, tackle the tub. Bathtubs are funny—the grime therecan bemisleading. I’ve frequently found that I didn’t realize the depth of thegrossuntilIstartedtogetthelayersofsoapscumandmildewoff,atwhichpointI was like, “Ooooh. So that’s what a white bathtub actually looks like.” That’swhere your Soft Scrub Commercial Cleaner comes in. To be clear, DO NOTGET SIDE TRACKED BY SOFT SCRUB ANYTHING ELSE. The “Bleach”version is nice or whatever, but it’s amateur hour in comparison to theCommercialCleaner.Thecommercialcleanerwillgetyourshitnextlevelclean.

I’dliketobelieveIdon’tneedtoexplaintoyouhowtocleanyourbathtub,butontheoffchancethisisyourfirsttime:

1. Putonyourrubberglovesifyoudon’twantoldladyhandsbythetimeyou’rethirty-five.

2.IrecommendusingyourspongetospreadathinlayerofSoftScrubovertheentiresurfaceofyourtub

3. Allow Soft Scrub to sit for about 10–15 minutes for maximumeffectiveness.

4. Turn on your showerhead and point the spray to the far end of theshower. Using your sponge, work from the far end toward the drain,wiping away the excess Soft Scrub and suds until your bath tub iscompletelyclearofcleaner.

5.Useyourshowerheadagaintodirectthesprayaroundyourwholetub,todoasecondrinseofeverything.

Hopefullyatthispointyourbathroomisalreadylookingsignificantlyimproved.Nowlet’sgetyournewshowercurtainhungup.Putupyournewshowerrings,new shower liner, and finally—your gloriouslyunderstated, subtlenew showercurtain.

Take a look around.Do you notice how clean your bathroom feels, just bychangingyour shower curtain and cleaning yourbath tub?How it feels brightand airy, and moderately antiseptic. Kind of like an inviting surgical theater.That’swhatwe’regoingforhere.

Nextsteps:

Onceyou’vefinishedcleaningyourbathtub,applytheskillsyou’vejust learnedto the rest of your bathroom. It’s time to really get this room clean—like see-your-reflection-in-your-sink-faucetclean.Youshouldhityoursink,toilet,floor,and any surfaceswith the sameaggressive cleaning ethos. Seriously clean yourtoilet.Softscrubyoursink.UseWindexorasimilarglasscleanertocleanyourfaucet,showerfaucet,bathroommirror—itwillmakeeverythinggleaminawayithasn’tsinceitleftthefactory.Oncewe’vegoteverythingclean,wecanfocusonthefunpart:Buyingsomenewtowels,gettingabathmat,andfiguringouthowyou’re going to put your shit away so your toothpaste isn’t leaking into yourhairbrush.

Towelsandabathmat:

Do you remember what I said earlier about making your bed? I think I saidsomethingabout therewardsofdoingsomething inadvanceso thatwhenyoucomebacklater,it’salreadydone...Soundfamiliar?Well,thesamedealappliesinyourbathroom.Essentiallymymessagehereis,“Don’tbesuchalazyslob.”I

meanreally.Stepitupabit,guys.You’renotsix.Youarefullycapableofputtingthecapbackonyourtoothpasteandputtingit intothemedicinecabinet.YouCANfindaplacetoputyourtoothbrushsoitisn’tjustlingeringontheedgeofyoursink,makingeverythingwetandswampy.Andyoucandefinitelyhangupyourgoddamntowels.Ican’temphasizethebenefitsofthisenough.Therehaveliterallybeenstudiesdoneaboutthebacteriaandmoldthatgrowsontowelsinpeople’s bathrooms—it’s the perfect storm: it’s damp, it’s warm, it’s sittinguninterrupted on your bathroom floor because you’re gross. And before youknowit—yourtowelsmellslikeawetdogandyoudotoo.

Solet’sagree:you’regoingtohangyourtowelsup.

Samedealwithyourbathmat.Iknowitcostsyoulikeanextra5½secondstopick up your bathmat, but if you pick it up and hang it on the side of yourbathtuborhangituponatowelrodorhook,itwillhavetheopportunitytodryoutproperly that it simplywon’thave layingonyourdampbathroomfloor. Itwillalsopreventitfrombeingsteppedonthroughouttherestoftheday,whenyou’renotshoweringandarewearingshoes.Allofthistranslatestoneedingtowash your towels and bathmats less frequently, and better yet—you’ll need toreplace them lessoftenaswell.And it cost youwhat?Maybea totalof twenty

extrasecondseachmorning.Clearlyworthit.So theother thing I saidaboutmakingyourbedwas thatyou shouldcreate

your own personal notion of an oasis—something calming and soothing, aperfectplaceforrespiteeachevening.Samedealwithyourbathroom.Itshouldbe a refreshing, spa-like experience when you go into your bathroom eachmorning.Investinsomeprettytowels—ideallytwotothreesetsofthemaswellas twomatching bathmats. I don’t know if you prefer your towels plush andfluffy,orthosesupersimple,fast-dryingTurkishjoints,butdecidewhatyoulikeandthenspendalittlemoneytogetacoupleofsets.Makenomistake,youdon’thavetodothisatBloomingdale’sinordertogetsomethingnice—Idon’tthinkI’veeverboughtafull-pricedtowelinmylife.IstronglyrecommendhittingupHomeGoods,TJMaxx,orwhatevertheequivalentdiscounthomestoreisinyourneckof thewoods,andfindingsomethingthatworkswiththecolorschemeofyourbathroom.

Lastly,howyou’regoingtocleanuptherestofyourclutter:

Whileyou’reatTJMaxx,youcanprobablyalsopickuptheremainingthingonyourlist:somethingtogetyouorganized!Obviouslythisitemisverybathroomdependent.Maybe you’ve got extra wall space and can hang up an additionalstoragecabinetor someshelves;maybeyou’realreadyatcapacity,and thebestyoucandoisputalittlebasketonyourtoilet,anotheroneunderyoursink,andgetyourselfalittletoothbrushholder.Noneofthisstuffneedstobeultrafancy—thepoint is just to containyour clutter. It instantaneouslymakes everythingseem more organized, even if you keep every last near-empty cosmetic tubethat’scurrentlymakingyourbathroomamoderatelygrossnightmare—theveryfactthatit’scontainedinsomethingmakesitseempurposeful.Italsogivesyouatangible, literalplace toputsomethingaway,whichmakes it somucheasier tomaintainacleanspace.

Sohere’sthetakeaway,inorderofimpactandimportance:

•Putyourshitaway!•Hardcorecleanyourbathroom!•Foldyourtowelsorifyou’rereallyonaroll,buysomenewtowels!•Changeyourshowercurtain!

How to Replace Your Bathroom Hardware, How HighShouldYouHangaTowelBar,andHowManyHooksIsTooManyHooks?There’sastrongcasetobemadeforreplacingyourexistingbathroomhardware,particularlyifyou’reinitforthelonghaul.Similartochangingthehardwareonyourkitchencabinets, themiscellaneoushardwareinyourbathroomconveysamessage of “accidental” or “purposeful,” depending on what you’ve got. It’sanother fairly simple fix to improve the overall aesthetic of your bathroom,without doing amore expensive total overhaul.You’d be surprisedhowmanybathroomshaveamixed-bagofhardware—a“contractor’s special”ofdifferentfinishes and different styles: polished nickel, stainless steel, a jacked up oldfaucet,awobblytowelbar.It’slikeeverypersonwholivedtherebeforeyoulefttheir stamp: one person installed a new toilet roll holder, some other guyreplaced the broken towel bar . . . And now your bathroom looks like ashowroom for lowquality bathroom supplies: one of everything, no two alike.Time for a facelift! Much like many of my How-To’s, this project starts byremovingtheexistinghardwaretosussouthowit’sattachedandwhatsizeyouneedwhenpurchasingitsreplacement.Unscrewthetowelbars,toiletrollholder,andifyou’refeelingreallybold,considerreplacingyourfaucettoo.*IFYOU’REGOINGTODOTHIS,don’tjustunscrewyourfaucet.Therearedirectionsandstepsforthis!!

Ifyou’regoingtoreplaceyourfaucet,startbyfiguringoutwhatstyleoffaucetyoualreadyhave,becauseyou’regoingshopping for thesamesize fixture, inamorepleasingform.

Optionsare:

-Wideset:3holesrequiredinyoursink,withhandlescompletelyseparatefromthespout.-Centerset:Thisusuallyhas3holes,butthey’resetclosertogetheronthefaucet.Thefaucetandhandlesaretypicallyallmountedontooneunifyingbase.-Singlehole:Oneholerequiredinthesink,withthehandlemountedontothespoutitself.-Vesselfaucet:Thisalsoinstallsintoasingleholeonthesink,butistypicallyatallerfaucet,becausethesinkbowlsitsonthevanityratherthaninthevanity.

Onceyou’venarroweddownthestyleyou’reremoving,you’llbeabletochoosetheoneyouwanttoreplaceitwith.Beforeyouremoveyouroldone,goandbuyyournewone!The last thing youwant is to be fooling aroundwith this stuff,disconnectyouroldfaucet,andthengogetafaucet,leavingyourroommatesoryourselfwithoutafunctioningsinkuntilyou’vemasteredthefickleartofindoorplumbing.

Theobvious thing todo is to follow the instructionsprovidedwith thenewfaucet,butyoumightwanttoswingbypage31togetageneralsenseofwhetheryou’recapableofdoingsuchanambitiousproject.

In the meantime, let’s move onto replacing the other hardware in yourbathroom.Theideahereistofreshenthingsup,whilealsounifyingthevarioushardwarepiecessotheyall feelcut fromthesamecloth.Choosingpieces inallthe same finishwill instantly add cohesion to your bathroom.Aim for all thesamestyle(orcollection)andifyoucan’tswingthat,closecousinsispreferable.Withtheexceptionofthefaucet,installingthesereplacementsshouldbeacinch.It’s a basic “screw in, position, tighten” project—with major results. Thedifferencebetweenafive-dollartowelbarandafifteen-dollartowelbarisnightand day. The cheap one basically feels like stiff aluminum foil and the hollowtowelbarwillprobablylastyouabouteightmonthsbeforesomeonemanagestobendit;whereastheonethatcoststenorfifteendollarsmoreactuallyhassomeweighttoit—itlooksandfeelsnicerwhenyou’reusingit,andwillactuallyholdupafteryearsofuse.

Followtheinstructionsonthepackagingofeachpiecetoseehowtoremovetheoldbracketsandinstallthenewones.Typicallythisisareallysimpleswap-it-out process that won’t require much more than a regular Phillips-headscrewdriver and a tiny flat-head screwdriver (which is essential for installingbathroomhardware).Doublecheck if thenewtowelbarsand toilet rollholderthatyou’rebuyingcomewiththistinyscrewdriver,andif itdoesn’t,makesureyou get oneor you’reup a creek. **Unless you’ve got an eyeglass repair kit athome,becausethatcomeswiththesamelittlescrewdriver.TMI?Maybe.

Installing a new towel bar is a little more of a challenge, but notinsurmountable.You’regoingtoneedaproperdrill,atapemeasure,(ideally)alevel,andyournewtowelbar.Usingthetemplateyou’llfindenclosedwithyournew towel bar, decide where you’re going to position your new towel bar,measurefromthefloorandtheceilingtomakesurebothbracketswillbelevel,and thenmarkwhere each bracket should be installed. Towel bars are usuallyinstalled48"offthefloor,orabout24"aboveatoilet,thoughifthepositioningof

yourtilerequiresthatyouinstall ita littlehigher, it’snottheendoftheworld.The template should show you the correct distance between each bracket—double check themeasurement between the two once you’vemarked them tomakesureyou’vegotthemintherightplace.Thisisabsolutelyasituationwhereyoushouldmeasuretwiceanddrillonce,becauseyoudon’twanttobiffthisandleaveagappingholevisibleonceyou’refinished.

Once you’ve determined where the brackets are going, bust out your drill!Usingtheappropriatebit (itwill saywhatsize isbest for theanchorsprovidedwiththetowelbar),drillaholeforeachanchorintoyourwall.Thenpositionthefirstbracket,screwthescrewthroughthebracket intotheanchor,andthendothesamewiththesecondscrew.Oncebothareinposition,tightenbothscrewsuntil the bracket is firmly in place on thewall. Then using your handy-dandytinyscrewdriver,tightenthetinyscrewontheundersideofthetowelbarholder.Onceyou’vedoneoneside,youfollowthesamestepsfortheotherside(installanchors, installbracket intoanchorsusingscrews.)Afteryou’vegotthesecondbracketfirmlyscrewedin,you’llhavetodoalittlejuggling—becauseyou’vegotto insert one end of the towel bar into the towel bar holder you’ve alreadyinstalledand then fit it into the remaining towelbarholderbeforeyou tightenthetinyscrewontheremainingtowelbarholder,attachingittotheremainingbracket.Didyougetthat?

Thismightbe a little trialby error,but after a coupleof fumblingattempts,you’reboundtogetthetowelbarup...andthenyoucanmoveontothetoiletroll holder.The steps for installing a toilet roll holder are virtually the same—place thebrackets for the toilet rollholderapproximately26"off the floor,andabout10"–12"fromthefrontofthetoilet.

Can you have toomany hooks? Probably. But if the option is leaving yourtowelsonthefloor,orhavingaludicrousmenagerieofhooksadorningeveryflatsurface in your bathroom, I’d take toomany hooks every time. That said, I’dratheryouinstalloneortwohooksonyourbathroomdoor(besuretousetheappropriateanchorsifyouhavehollowdoors,ortheywillripoutafteraweek!)and thenmaybe onemore hook installed on a wall near the shower, for easytowelaccesswhenyou’reshowering.Ifyoucankeepyourhooksituationunderthree, it’s better for all of us, and will hopefully discourage you fromaccumulatingallofyourdirtytowelsinyourbathroom.Becausethat’sgross,andyouknowit.

MakeYourShowerIntotheSpaYouDeserveImeanseriously! I feel like I spenda ridiculousamountof time in the shower(and don’t even get me started on how much time I spend blow-drying mygoddamn hair). And even though it feels like a profound waste of time,showering is alsoprobably the thingkeepingyouemployed, aswell asmakingyouaviablecandidateforloveandeventualpro-creation.So.Ifwe’vegottodoit, the leastwecando isenjoy it.Andchancesare, ifyou’rereading thisbook,yourhomecamewiththeubiquitouscheap-renovation-lousyshowerhead.Let’sfirst take amoment to thank the shoddy contractors and slummy landlordsofthe world for cheaping out on this essential bathroom fixture—which we useeveryday.Cheers for that,buddy!Andnow,bitternesssufficientlyvented, let’stake our fate in our own hands and transform that leaky, junky excuse for ashowerhead into something a littlemore rewarding. This is a profoundly easyproject,andifyou’reshoweringasfrequentlyasIam,itcantrulychangethewayyou start your day! There are tons of different showerheads to choose from—shoparoundonline (besure toread thereviews!)oryoucaneven findagoodoneatyourlocalhardwarestore.Withalittlebitofmoneyandalmostnotime,youcanhavethespa-likeshoweryoudeserve.

Skillsneeded:Almostnone.Timeneeded:Verylittle.

Toolsyou’llneed:•Adjustableheadwrench•Marvelousnewshowerheadofyourdreams!•Plumber’stape(alsoknownasTeflontape)

*Someofyoumightnotbetheproudownersofanadjustableheadwrench,andmanyofyoumaynotwanttobecomeoneeither.Ifyou’reluckyenoughtoliveinanapartmentbuildingwithasuperorahandyman(la-de-dah),I’llbetyoutendollars that they’ll lend you an adjustable headwrench long enough to installyournew showerhead. If you live in a full-blownhouse (la-de-dah)—which inmy experience doesn’t tend to comewith a super—you should really considerbuyinganadjustableheadwrench.Notonlyaretheynotveryexpensive(we’retalking$4.99here),butoddsaregoodthatyou’ll findanotheruseforitduringyour time as ahome-owner. If, likemanyof usunder-forty-folk, you live in amiserablehovelrunbyaslumlord:a.)You’reprobablymyneighbor,andb.)Youmore than anyone will definitely end up needing an adjustable head wrenchagain,soyoushould100percenttaketheplunge.Whenyourkitchenplumbingisgeyser-ingwateralloveryourapartment floorandyou’reable to tightenthepipeandturnoffthewatervalve,you’llsingthepraisesofyouradjustableheadwrench(andhopefullyme).

Okay, enough rambling. Let’s startwith the obvious: Let’s remove the existingcrap-excuse for a showerhead.Use your brandnew adjustable headwrench toget a firmgripon thenut that secures the showerheadonto the shower spout.Turnthewrenchcounter-clockwise to loosenthenut,andonce it’s sufficientlyloosened,removetheoldshowerhead.

*DON’T ACCIDENTLY BREAK THE SHOWER SPOUT OFF OF YOURWALLBYUSINGTOOMUCHBRUTEFORCE.

Please,ifyouhaveadifficulttimegettingthenuttoturn,donotgotookamikazestyleonitoryouriskbendingorbreakingyourshowerspout,whichwillmakeyourlandlordveryangry.ConsiderusingalittleWD-40toloosenupthesealonyouroldshowerhead,sothatyoudon’tendupcreatingamuchbiggerprojectinpursuitofaverysmallproject.

Assumingyou’veremovedyourshowerheadwithoutevent:Useyourfingernailsorbetteryet,arazorbladetoremoveanyleftoverplumber’stapeorgunkontheexistingspout.Youwantthethreadsonyourspouttobecompletelycleanbeforeyouputyournewplumber’s tapeon, to ensure a really tight connectionwhenyouputyournewshowerheadon.Thegoodnewsisthatifyoudon’tgetittightenough,you’llknowimmediatelybecausewaterwillstartshootingout thesideof the nut on your spout.Water shooting anywhere but down is not what a

successfulshowerheadinstallationshouldlooklike.FYI.

Almost finished. Once the spout is completely clean, wrap a new layer ofplumber’s tape around the threads of the spout, starting at the opening andworking yourway back. Plumber’s tape is funny,wispy stuff, but be sure youcarefullywrapthethreadsoftheentireshowerspouttoensureyou’vegotawell-sealedconnectionwhenyoupositionyourshowerhead.

Put it on. Somehow this projectdescriptionhasmade it seem like installing anewshowerheadrequiresadegreeofskill.Thisisnotthecase,andonceyou’redoing it yourself, you’lldiscoverhoweasy it is.Positionyournewshowerheadontothespoutand“finger-tighten”thenutonyournewshowerheadasmuchasyou can, turning toward the right. Then using yourmarvelous new adjustableheadwrench,tightenthenutuntilyoucan’tturnitanyfurtherandit’sformedatightsealontheshowerspout.Ba-da-bing.You’vegotaterrificnewshowerheadthatwillofferyoumorethanapatheticaldribbleeverymorning.Congrats!

NotFuckingAround:InstallingaNewTileFloorLet me be crystal clear about installing a new tile floor: It is not for theundedicated.You shouldprettymuchonly tackle thisproject if youownyourhomeand/oryouREALLYREALLYhateyour tile floor. It is amiserable task.Labor intensive, millions of steps, lots of opportunity for imperfection. Oh—that’s the other thing. You probably shouldn’t tackle this if you’re a hardcoreperfectionistbecauseyou’llgetstartedandyou’llneverbeabletofinish.Ifthat’syou,blowthewhistlenowandcallaprofessional.KNOWYOURSELF.Ifyouareaperfectionist,pleasewalkawaynow.Closethebookhere.

As Iwassaying . . . It isamiserable, timeconsuming,multi-steppedprojectfrom hell. Completing itmademe feel schizophrenic—oneminute I was like,“Whygod,whatthehellinspiredmetodothisagain?”Becausethisisn’tthefirstfloorI’vetiledandI’mconfidentitwon’tbemylast.SowhileI’mhunchedoveronmybathroom floor, cutting tiny1" tiles into tinier little slivers, I’mcursingevery decision I’ve made in life leading up to this moment. And then twosecondslater,Iwaslike,“Iamsoproudofhowgreatthislooks.It’sremarkableI

knowhowtodothismyself.”AndIwasfilledwithaccomplishment.AndthenIwas like, “I can’t believe how close my face is to the toilet seat right now,”because I was cantilevered over the toilet, squeezing tiles into the tiny cornerbehindthetoilet.MyfacewasSOCLOSEtothetoilet,Icanstillsmellit.Butifyou’reupfortheemotionalrollercoasterthatisinstallinganewtilefloor,let’sgetinthere.

Timeneeded:Basicallythreedays,withlargeovernightbreaksfordrytime

Skillsneeded:Medium.Youdoneedtofeelcomfortabledisconnectingandremovingyoursinkand toilet, but the actual installation of the tile requires more endurance andpatiencethanskill.

Toolsyou’regoingtoneed:•Hammer•Chisel•Safetyglasses(andifyou’rewimpy/wise,workgloves)•Ready-to-mixthin-set(thecementthatgoesbelowthetile)•Spackleknives(acoupledifferentsizeswillbehandy.Maybeawideone,like

4",andthena2"anda1"shoulddothetrick.)•BIG-assbucket•Acoupleofreallybigsponges.Think“carwash,”not“wineglass”sponge.•Spacklemixer•Electricdrill•Groutfloat•Level•Compoundnipper• Notched trowel (There are different-sized notches for different-sized tiles.

Look this up to make sure you buy the right-sized notched trowel. This isIMPORTANT.Thereisarightsize.)

•Groutsaw/sander• Tile grout (I recommend sanded grout for floors, but I defer to your local

hardwarestoreguyifhedisagrees.*Buthe’swrong.)•De-hazingagent•Groutsealer• Tile! This is the fun part! When you’re buying tile, make sure you buy

ENOUGH.Lengthxwidth=theinitialnumber.Thenanextra10percenttomakesureyou’vegotenough,becauseyouwillbreaktilesandyouWILLneedextra.Don’t cheap out. Itwill only spell another trip to the tile store if youcheapouthere.

Let’stalkforasecondaboutwhatkindoftilestobuyandwhy:basicallymyargumentconsistsof“buysmallceramicorporcelaintiles.”Here’swhy:1. You can cut them with a tile nipper rather than a wet saw, which is aMUCHlarger,muchmorecomplicated,muchmessiertool.2.Theycomeonsheetssoyoudon’thavetoseparateeachtilewithspacers.3. Because they’re small, they are much more forgiving if your floor isn’tperfectly level. If you use larger tiles, your thin-set layer really has to bePERFECT or your tiles will wobble on the uneven surface over time, andmostlikelycrackeventually.

Prepwork:You’regoingtohavetotackletheobviousshitfirst.You’llneedtoremoveyourexistingsinkanddependingonyourtoiletsituation,possiblyremoveyourtoiletaswell. Ifyoudon’tknowhowtodoeitherof thosethings,butyoufeelhandyandconfident,lookituponlineandgiveitago.MAKESUREYOUTURNTHEWATEROFF.Ifyoufeeldoubtfulandintimidatedbytheprospectofturningoffyour sinkvalves and removingyour sink, it shouldprobably serve as aLOUDSIGNALtoyouthatremovingandinstallingawholefuckingbathroomfloorisnottheprojectforyou.

STEP1:Soifyou’vegotpre-existingtilethatyouneedtoremove,myapologies.Becauseremovingtileinaspacethesizeofawalk-inclosetisapainintheass.Andas faras I’vebeenable toglean—there’snootherway todo it thanbruteforce, patience, and thewillingness to hit yourselfwith a hammer a couple oftimes.(Justbreathethroughit,orhavebetteraimthanIdo.)

STEP2:Startbyputtingonyourgogglesandgloves.Thenusingthechisel,angleit into a grout-line at a 45 degree angle. Smack it hard, probably a couple oftimes,andyou’llstart todigthechisel intothegrout.Eventuallyyou’llgetthatfirstmother-fucker up, and then you’re in business.Make nomistake. This ishard. Andwill be for about 65 percent of the tiles. But every once in a whileyou’llgetoneofthemup1-2-3anditwillgiveyouafalsesenseofhopewhichwill fuelyourwillingnesstocontinue.Ifyoudon’tgetthose,trynottodespair,eventhough100percentofyourtilessucktoremove.I’msorryyour lifesucksslightlymorethanminedidinthisscenario,butjustkeeponplugging.Iswearthisisgoingtobeawesomeattheend!

STEP3: You reallywant to be thoroughhere—everybodyhas to go!No straylittlepiecesoftilegettostickaround,andnoleftovervolcanoesofgrout,whichoriginallystoodbetweentwotiles.Out itcomes! If there’sa littlebitof theoldthin-set (cement looking stuff)whichused to situnderyourold tile left, that’sokay,butyoureallywanttoaimhighhereandgetasmuchupaspossible.

Ifyouaren’tremovingoldtilebeforeyouinstall thisnewtile,bullyforyou,butifyou’reputtingtileoveranexistingwoodfloor,youstillhaveyourownextraworktodo,thoughit’sSIGNIFICANTLYeasier—you’regoingtowanttoinstallasheetof1/2″cementbackerboardoveryourexistingwoodfloor,whichwillreachfromwall-to-wallthroughoutyourbathroom.Ifthisisyoursituation,itwouldn’tbeaterribleideatogoogleinstructionsforspecifics,butthegistis“Cutcementboardtosize.Screwinplace.”

STEP 4: Okay, once you’ve prepped your subfloor (that’s the fancy-pantsprofessionaltermforthefloorthatgoesunderyourtile)you’regoingtolayyourthinset.Thin-setcomes inabagyoubuyat thehardwarestore.You’llneedtomix the recommended amount of thin-set powder with the recommendedamountofwater,usingyourspacklemixerinstalledintoyourelectricdrill.Mixthe thin-setuntil it’s the consistencyof creamypeanutbutter.Consult a jarofcreamypeanutbutterifyouneedtorefreshyourmemoryonthatconsistency.

STEP5:Then,usingyourtrowel,andyourspackleknifeasneeded,scoopabouttwocupsofthin-setintothefarthestcorner,andsmoothingitwithyourspackleknife,workyourwayoutofthecorner.Makesureyougettightlyintothecorner,usingthespackleknifetosqueezeitinthereandwipeawaytheexcess.Youwanttospreaditsothatitcreatesaniceevenlayer,thethicknessisdeterminedlargelybyhowbumpyyoursubfloorendedupbeing.Iamsmoothingmythin-setintoa1/4" thick layer andworkingmywayout from there.The idea is tomake thispreliminarycoatofthin-setassmoothaspossible,souseyourwidespackleknifeand/or thesmoothedgesofyour trowel tomakeanice level surface.Try tobeprettymeticulousonthisstep,as itwillabsolutely impactyourendresults,butdon’tmakeyourselfcompletelynuts,becausethere’sgoingtobetileontopofit,sonoonewillknowifit’snotcompletelysilky-smooth.Keepaneyeonthetimebecause if youdawdle toomuch, the thin-setwilldry inyourbucket and thenyou’llhave to cleanoutyourbucket,mixanotherbatch, and start again.ANDyou’ll end upmessing up the stuff you’ve already done, which will be dryingfasterthanthenewstuff.Pointbeing:Don’tgetsoanalthatyouendupmakingabiggermess.Asyou’reworking,useadamppapertoweltocleananystraythin-setoffyourtilewalls.Ifyoumisssome,it’snottheendoftheworld,butit’s100percenteasiertoremovethin-setbeforeithasdriedthanafter.

IMPORTANTNOTE:Work yourwayoutof thebathroom—starting at thefar corner and making your way toward the door. Please do not thin-setyourself into yourbath tub,or you’llhave to sit there for twelve to twenty-fourhoursbeforeit’sfullycured.

BEFOREWEGOANYFURTHER: Letme emphasize the importance of agameplanforthisaspectoftheproject.Youprettymuchwon’tbeabletouseyour bathroom for about three dayswhile you’re completing this project. Istrongly encourage you to have a plan for that. Where will you shower?Wherewillyoupee?Obviouslyyoucanbrushyourteethinyourkitchen,buttherearesomeotherthingsyoureallyshouldn’tdoinyourkitchensinkifyoucanabsolutelyavoid it. Ifyouhavea secondbathroom,all I cansay is “La-dee-dah.”Fortherestofus,PLANAHEAD.

STEP6:Consult the instructions on your thin-set bag to determine how longyou’vegottowait forStep2.Mineaskstodryovernight,soI finishedmyfirstlayer, washedmy tools inmy kitchen sink, peed atmy neighbor’s house, andwenttobed.

Okay,movingon.Now that your thin-set hasdried, itmayhave cured to alightercolorofgray.Accordingtomythin-set, that’swhat indicates that ithasdried.Time to bust out the chisel and the level. Place your level tomake sureyour thin-set has created a (fairly) level surface, and then use your chisel tosmoothoutanyhugeridgesyouhaveaccidentallycreatedasyouweresmoothingitoutyesterday.Ifit’snotperfect,it’sokaywithme—aslongasitisn’tlikeoneofthosetopographicalgeographymapstheyusedtohaveingradeschool—butitisimportanttoremoveanyofthemoreobviousmoundsandmogulsandfillinthemoreobviouscraters.Wehaveasayinginourhousethatmayormaynotbringyoucomfortinthisprocess:“Ifitlookedtooperfect,itwouldlookoutofplace.”Granted that’s partly because my whole apartment is a sloped, bent,parallelogramofaprewartenement,butifyou’rereplacingyourowntilefloor,I’mbettingyou’renotlivinginaHiltoneither.(Ifyouare,evenwithmystellarinstructionsthey’regonnabePISSEDthatyou’vedecidetoretiletheirbathroom,Icanpromiseyouthat.)

STEP7:Sothethin-setisset.Nextstep:Vacuumthoroughly.Nowit’stimeforadryrun.Layoutyourtilesonyourthin-setsubfloortoseehowyouwantthemtobepositioned;andthencutanyofthepiecesthatneedtobetrimmeddowntofit.Iencourageyoutodomostofthecuttinginadvance,withtheunderstandingthat you’ll almost certainly need to tweak them a little once you’re actuallyputting them down.Now let’s talk about trimming your tiles. First, letme beclear.Ifyou’vedecidedtouselargetilesorsomethinghardlikemarbleorstone,you’reonyourown.Mylittletilenippercan’thelpyou.However,ifyou’reusinga small ceramic tile (like I strongly suggested at the beginning of thisundertaking)Icangiveyousomehints:

1.Startbylayingthetiledownandusingapenciltomarkwhereitneedstobetrimmed.Don’t just eyeball it.Youcanalsomarkmultiple tiles atonce, sothatyoucantrimthemalluniformly—andmakeatidylittleline.

2.DONOTtrytocutthetileinonechop.Itwon’tendwell.Instead,positionthe nipper about 1/4" onto the tile and squeeze. Please refer to the

photographtoseewhatI’mdescribing.Assomeonewhohasinstalledmorethanone1”hexagonaltilefloor,Icanassureyou—thereisarightwaytodothisandawrongway.Bothsuck,butoneendswithapileofshatteredtileswhiletheotherendsinlikean80percentsuccessrate.(Believeitornot,I’veconsultedvarious contractors andprettymuchacross theboard they agreethosestatsarethebestyoucanhopefor.)

3. Once you’ve choppedone sidewith thenipper (if thewhole piece hasn’tchopped off along your cut line, which happens delightfully frequently)reposition the nipper on the other side of the tile and repeat. And then-ifneedbe-clipwhateverremainsinthemiddle.

Tobeclear,I’mnottryingtomakelightofthething.It’samajorpainintheass.It’s so tedious. It’s really so boring. And when for some reason, even thoughyou’vedoneeverythingexactly thesameway, the tileshatters intoadozenun-usable pieces; it reallymakes you question your life choices. But at this point,there’snogoingback, soyou’re justgoing tohave to soldieronward,knowingthat I too have once hated this very same experience with the same burningangeryou’refeelingatthatmoment.Thatsaid,onceyou’velaideverythingoutandcutthevastmajorityofthetiles,it’stimetofixtheminplace,solet’smovealong.

Mixupanotherbatchofthin-set.Followthesameinstructions—mixinguntilyou’vecreatedabatchtheconsistencyofcreamypeanutbutter.

Andnowthestep-by-stepfortheactualinstalling-the-tileprocess:

Lay thin-set: Repeat the steps youdid to lay your first layer of thin-set.Usingyourtrowel,andyourspackleknifeasneeded,scoopabouttwocupsofthin-setinto the farthest corner, and smoothing it with your spackle knife, work yourway out of the corner. Make sure you get tightly into the corner, using thespackleknife to squeeze it in thereandwipeaway theexcess.Onceagain, youwanttospreaditsothatitcreatesaniceevenlayer,thethicknessofwhichwillbedeterminedbythestyleoftileyou’reusing.Formytile(1"glossyhexagonaltiles)Iamsmoothingmythin-setintoa1/8"thicklayerandworkingmywayoutfromthere,butthistimeyou’regoingtowanttoworkinmuchsmallersectionsthanyoudidthefirsttimebecausewhatyou’redoingisliftingupacoupleofsquarefeet of tile at a time, puttingdown the thin-set, and thenputting the tile backdownbeforeyoumoveontothenextsectionofthin-set.

Next, use the notched edge of your trowel to create even grooves and ridgesthroughyour thin-set.Do thisbypositioningyour trowel at a 45degree angleand then pulling itwith uniform pressure through your thin-set. Personally, Ikind of prefer the control I have by using the narrower edge of the notchedtrowel,butI’dbetyoumoneymostcontractorsusethewidesidetogetitdoneexpediently.Don’tforgetyou’renotgoingtoseethesegrooves,soifthey’renotidentical,noonewillknow.Thegroovescreatea suction that eventuallyholdsthetileinplace,soyouwanttobethorough,butyoudon’thavetobenuts.

Onceyou’velaida12"x36"sectionofthin-set,positionthetilesinplace.Startbylayingthesheetswherethey’resupposedtogo,andthendropinthelittlesliversandhalf-tilesonceyou’vesituatedthebigsections.Now,useyourgroutfloatto“tampdown”thetile.“Tampdown”iscontractorfor“gentlybutfirmlypress.”Don’tpushsohard that it squeezesallof the thin-setout fromunder the tiles,butpressfirmlyenoughthatyouseesomethin-setsqueezebetweenthetiles.Justa little. If you lay your first tiles and tamp themdown and a huge amount of

thin-setsqueezesoutbetweenthetiles,you’veeitherputdowntoomuchthin-setoryou’repressingtoohard.Ideallyyouwantthethin-settosqueezeupsothathalf the thicknessof the tile is submerged in thin-set and theotherhalf is stillvisible.

At this point, you just complete and repeat, section after section, until you’vetiled your way out of the bathroom again. Don’t forget to wipe up areas ofobvious excesswith a damp sponge or paper towel, and if you get any on theadjacenttilewalls,wipethatofftoo.Dothisasyougoratherthantryingtocleanitallupbydanglingyourselffromthedoorwayonceallofthetileisinstalled.

Nowyou’regoing tohave towaitovernight again, so rinseyour toolsoff inyourkitchensink,peeatyourneighbor’shouse,andgotobed.

By the timeyouwakeup in themorning, your regular tiledbathroom floorshouldalreadybelookingALOTlikearegulartilesbathroomfloor.Thethin-setwill have dried (lighter thanwet) and if you squint your eyes pretty hard, it’salmosthardtotellthereisnogroutbetweenthetiles.Don’ttakethisopportunity

to quit now. You need the grout to seal the joints between the tiles so waterdoesn’t eat away at the thin-set and you don’t slowly flood your downstairs’neighbor,sopressahead.We’realmostfinished!

Beforeyou install thegrout, takeaquick lookat the jointsbetweenthe tiles. Ifthereareareaswherethethin-sethaspresseduptoohigh,useyour littlegroutsaw to sand it down enough that it’s even with the rest of the joints, and doanotherroundofvacuumingtosuckupanydust,debris,etc.that’ssettledsincelastnight.

Installingthegrout:Thisisaneasystep—muchlesstimeconsumingandMUCHlessirritatingthaninstallingthetile,andit’sreallythefrostingonthecake.

You can buy either pre-mixed or ready-to-mix dry grout.Among contractors,the dry grout is considered preferable—you have more control over theconsistency, awide range of color choices, and it’s less expensive.However, ifyou’reattheendofyourtetherandwanttobuypre-mixedgrout,Iwon’tjudgeyoueither.Eitherway,followtheinstructionsonthegroutofyourchoosing,andprepareenoughtocompletehalfofyourfloor(unlessyou’rereallyquickorhaveasmallbathroom.)Usingyourgroutfloatandmaybethesmallestspackleknife,scoopacouplecupsofgroutontothefloorandthenusethegroutfloattospreadthegroutover the tileand into the recessesbetweeneach tile.Payattention towhat you’re doing here, because you really want this to be fairly even andconsistentfromonetiletothenext.

Again,workinsections—about18"x18"atatime.Useadampsponge(damp,notwet.Sogetitwetandthenseriouslyringitout)towipeawayexcessgrout,withoutwipingoutthegroutyou’veinstalledbetweenthetiles.So,you’repullingitacrossthetileratherthanpushingthespongeintoorontothetile.According

tomy group of polled contractors, they just use a couple of sponges, rinsing,ringing,andrepeating fromone section to thenext,gettingALLsurplusgroutoff the face of the tile. While that’s nice for them, I found that to be wildlyinefficientandextraordinarilyirritating,soIinsteaddidacouplepasseswithmygiant sponges to get themajority of the grout off, and then came backwith adampheavy-dutypapertoweltowipetherestoffclean.Youstillhavetobeverycareful not to wipe away the grout between the tiles, but I found I got theremaininggroutoffazilliontimesfasterwithpapertowelthanwiththesponge.

*Ialsogoogledthistechniqueandaskedmyfavoritecontractoraboutit.Nooneseemstobeabletotellmewhyitshouldn’tbedonewithapapertowel,soIdon’tknow if this is a new-school vs. old-school thing, or what. Ormaybe secretlyeveryone isusingpaper towel andnot admitting it?Myattitude:whatever I’mwasting inpaper towel I’msaving inwaterbynot rinsingoutmyspongesonemillionfrickingtimestogetthisdone.

Yourepeatthissameprocessinmuchthesamewayyouhaveeveryotherstep.

Sectionby section,working yourway toward thedoor, cleaningup as yougo.When you run out of your initial batch of grout, mix up another round andcontinue toworkyourwayout thedoor.Onceyou’re completely finishedandyou’ve thoroughlywiped the surplus grout fromall of the tile joints, youhaveonemorenight ofwaiting. I’m sorry. I know that you’re ready to pee in yourownhouse.Thisisthelasttimeyou’llhavetoaskyourneighbor,Ipromise.(Andyoushouldprobablybuythemabottleofwineorasix-erofbeertothankthemfortheinconvenience,ifIwereyou.)

Thenextmorningyourgroutwillbedry!Youcanuseade-hazingagentoramixture of water and white vinegar to wipe any leftover grout residue (called“haze”) from the tiles, and then apply a grout sealer to protect the grout overtime.Followtheinstructionsonbothofthoseproductsandproceedaccordingly.Mycontractorsaidthebestwaytosealgroutwhenyou’reusingsuchlittletilesisaroll-onapplicator,butseewhatyoucanfindatyourlocalhardwarestore.

The final step: re-install your sink (or like we did, take this opportunity toreplaceyouroldsinkwithsomethingnicer).Inourcase,ourold,decayingsinkvanitywasliterallybeingheldtogetherinplacesbythepaintI’dapplied,soitwastimetogo!Itrackeddownabrand-newfancypantspedestalsink,completewithfaucetonCraigslist,andbob’syouruncle!Initwent!Ifyouhadtoremoveyourtoilet,re-install.Inourcase,somebrightstarhadcementedourtoiletintomanypreviousyearsofthin-set,sowehadtotileuptoourtoiletbaseratherthantilingunder it.This isn’t ideal,but itdidallowus topee in-housebeforestartingthenextstepeachmorning,whichwasalittlebonus.

Theconclusionisthis:Imaybemany(many)yearsawayfrombeingabletopay someone to tilemybathroom,but youknowwhat, I did apretty freakinggoodjobmyself,sotoheckwiththatguy.Andfrankly,ifIcandoit,socanyou.This is not a project requiring a great deal of skill. But it does require a trulyextraordinary amount of patience and perseverance. But if the options areperseverance,partingwith$2,500topaysomebodyelsetodoit,orcontinuingtolivewiththewretchedtileIhad—signmeuptotileanotherfloorinaheartbeat.

Fast-Track BathroomCleanUp! TooMuch toDo, NotEnoughTimeI’m assuming we’re dealing with one to two days advance notice in this“emergencyhomereno”scenario.Sofornow,let’sskipstufflike,“Howtore-tileyour bathroom floor,” (unless you’re reallymotivated) and focus on the quicktransformationstuff.

STEP1:Iknow—I’mabrokenrecord:Clean,clean,clean.AndImeanCLEAN!Ifthere’sscumyoucanremove,REMOVEIT!Ifthere’smildewyoucanbleach,BLEACHIT.Thefirststeptonothorrifyingyourparents,friends,andromanticinterestsistoshowthemthatyou’recapableofbasichumancleanliness.Inthesameway that you (ideally) shower and shave before you see your parents ormeetapotentialdate.Basiccleaninggoesalongwayinthetestimonyof“I’mnotdisgusting”and/or“Iamamoderatelyfunctionaladult.”Afteryou’vethoroughly

cleanedyourbathroom,everythingelseisicingonthecake.

STEP 2: If you’re really broke, don’t evenworry about replacing your showerheadatthispoint.Ifyourshowercurtainisarealatrocity,I’dmakethecaseforaquick swap out. You can buy a white washable cloth shower liner for aboutfifteendollarsatanyhomeimprovementstore,andeventhatispreferabletotheslightlymoldy,highly“dynamic”cartoonshowercurtainyou’vecurrentlygotup.Eventuallyyoucanspringforamatchingwhitelinen/cottonshowercurtain,butinthemeantime,thatwhitelinerwilllookbrightandclean,andwillsayloudandclear“Ishower!Iamnotgross!”toyourfriends/family/possiblefuturespouse.

If fifteen dollars isn’t in the cards (remember—eating still trumps homeimprovementinmybook)justtakeyourshowercurtaintothelaundromatandWASH IT. If it’s white or clear, wash it with detergent and bleach, and thatshouldsortoutyourmoldandgrossproblems.If it’sgotastupidpatternonitbecause you just couldn’t help yourself, wash it with color-safe bleach andconsiderhavingaheart-to-heartwithyourselfwhenyou’reinlessofarushaboutexactlywhyyouthinkit’snecessarytoexpressyourpersonalityintheformofashowercurtain.Areyoureallythatboring?

STEP3:SoundslikeStep1,butisn’t.Onceyou’vecleanedyourbathroomfromtoptobottom,youstillneedtogetyourselfmarginallyorganized.Throwawaytheemptyplasticholstersforyourrazorsthatarelitteringyoursinksurface.Putyourtoiletpaperonthetoiletrollholder.Ifsomeoneyoureallyrespectiscomingover,considerthrowingoutthatrevoltinggobofsoapsittingontheedgeofyoursinkandinvestTWODOLLARSinapumpsoap,fortheloveofPete.Andyes,hangupyourtowelsandfoldyourbathmat.IknowI’vementionedthisbefore,butincaseI’mnotgettingthroughtoyou,letmeexplain.YOURBATHMATISNOTSUPPOSEDTOBEARUG.ItissupposedtobeaCLEANPLACEforyourCLEANfeettodryoffwhenyougetoutoftheshower.Itisnotsupposedtobeahairy, disgusting, dirt-cakedpiece of astro-turf that’s collecting everymoleculefromyourbathroomfloor.Soplease,please,folditup!

That’sitforthefasttracktoahalfwayrespectablebathroom.Whenyou’reready,wecantalkaboutinstallingadditionaltowelbarsandhowhightoinstallthem;addinganextramedicinecabinetorshelftoaccommodateyourtoiletrieshorror-show, currently overflowing onto every available surface; how to provide bothflatteringandfunctional lightinginthesameroom.Butfornow—you’vemade

greatstridesinnotdisgustingyourfamilyandfriends.Kudos!

TheEasyStuff:YourLivingRoom,Bedroom,andifYou’reLivingLarge,

YourDiningRoom

YourSofaIsUglyLet’stalkaboutyoursofa.Youknowwhoyouare.Yourleatherorfaux-leathersectional—withrecliningseatsanda42"seatdepth—thatusedtobeawesomeinyourparents’basement. Iknow.You loveyoursofa.Andsodoyour friends. Idon’tcare.You’reanadultnowandit’stimetoletitgo.Iknowit’slikewatchingTVwhilelayingdown,butifyouwanttodothat,tryyourbed.Yourlivingroomisnoplaceforthatwretched,bulboussuburbanrelic,nomatterhowcomfortableitis.Itlookslikeahideouslandmasssittinginyourhome—andit’stimetosaygood-bye. This doesn’tmean you have to replace it with awrought iron parkbench. I’mnot advocating for anunequivocally uncomfortable alternative. I’madvocatingforcompromise.Formostpeoplelivinginurbansettings,yoursofaisquiteactuallytheLARGESTpieceoffurnitureyouown,soitwouldbeniceifitdidn’tactivelydetract fromthespaceandaestheticofyourhome.Thisdoesn’tmeanithastobeallformandnofunction—thatwouldobviouslybestupid.Youstillneedtofeelcomfortablesittinginit,feelenthusiasticaboutbingewatchingepisodic televisionon it,but itwouldbenice ifwhenyou’renotwatchingTV,yourfriendscouldsitonyoursofaandnotfeelinglikethey’rebeingswallowedwholebyabrownmarshmallowfromhell.So,withthatinmind:Considergoingwithsomethingalittlemoretailored.

How to Add Accent Colors to Your Home withoutTurningtheWholePlaceintoaCarnivalMasteringtheaccentcoloristhesecretsuperpowerofinteriordesigners—ifyoucanfindthedelicatebalanceofaddingaccentcolorstoyourspace,youcanmakethemostbanalpalettecomealive.

Supersecrettips:

1.Don’tjustchooseone.Ifyourhomeispredominatelyneutralandthentherearejust“pops”ofpurpleor“splashes”ofnavythroughout,yourspaceisstillgoingtofeelgenericandbland,aswellasoverlymatchingand,tobefrank,prettycontrived.Instead,choosesomethingtopullfrom—isthereapaintingor a pillow fabric you love? Is there a set of colorful dishes you have ondisplaythatyouraccentcolorscanreferencebackto?Ideally,you’dstartwithyourbasicallyneutralpalette,andthenidentifytwoorthreecolorsyouwanttohavereappearingthroughoutthespace.AndifIhadmyway,thosecolorswouldmanifestthroughoutyourhomeisdifferentways,sothatyoualsogetapleasant,cohesiveflowfromoneroomtothenext.Andmaybethatmeanseggplant throw pillow in the living room, eggplant vase in the kitchen,eggplantcoverletonyourbed.Butthatcan’tbeit.Otherwisesuddenlyyour

home isgoing to feel likeaweirdbeigeandpurple zebra skin. If Ihadmyway,you’dalsohaveaglassygreenpillowonthesofa,paleglassygreenwallsin the bedroom, and maybe a painting or fabric pattern/print somewherethatcallsbacktoallofthesecolors.Hopefullyyou’regettingmydrifthere—the idea isoneI’vetouchedonalready—it’sallaboutbalance.Identifyingacoupleofcolorsyoulikeincombination,andthenfiguringouthowtoapplydifferent quantities of each so they feel pleasantly distributed throughoutyourspace,withoutfeelingoverwhelmingoroverdone.

2.Foryourownsake,putyouraccentcoloronthingsyoucanchange.Thisisalso one of the greatest benefits of keeping your palettemore neutral andunderstated.Itallowsyoutoswapoutyouraccentcolorsifyougettiredofthem,without having to buy a new sofa or repaint your entire apartment.Andifyoustartfeelingreallyambitious,youcanswapoutyouraccentcolorsbasedontheseasons.(Okay,maybethat’salittlemoreMarthaStewartthanweareatthispoint...)

3.Pickyouraccentcolorsbasedonhowtheylookcollectively,notjustbasedonyour preference for the individual colors. Red and green: Christmas—nomatterhowhardyoutry.Redandblue:Nautical,unlessyou’vereallygotagiftwithneutral tones tomellow themout.Thinkaboutunexpectedcolorstoo—rustyoranges,slateyblues,varyingshadesofyelloworgreen. . .Youraccentcolorsdon’thavetobeprimarycolorsinordertobeeffective.

4.Ifyoufeelstronglyabouthavinganaccentwall,Iwon’tfightyouonit,butIwon’t advocate for it either. The application of the accent wall is a trickything—youreallyneedjusttherightspotforit,oritwilljustendupfeelinglike2009inthere,sogiverealconsiderationtoyourpermanentaccentcolors.Caribbean blue feels like a better idea when you’re twenty-five than whenyou’retwenty-eight,letmetellyou!

5.Onceyou’vechosenyouraccentcolors,don’tthinkthismeansyoucanonlyuse those colors. Your accent colors aremeant to be recurring colors thatkeeppoppingupthroughoutyourhome. Itdoesn’tmeantheyhaveastrictmonopolyoncolor—you’reallowedto(andIencourageyou)toaddalittlediversitytoyourpalettewithunexpectedsplashes.Don’tnotbuyavaseyoulove because it isn’t purple and your primary accent color is purple. AndDEFINITELYdon’tbuyavaseorpaintingyoudon’t like, justbecause it ispurple.Asimportantas“balancedmanifestationsofaccentcolorsis”(laughasneeded) it’smore importantyourhome feels collectedandauthentic, soplease,pleasedon’t fillyourhomewithmeaninglesspurple tchotchkes, just

becausethey’repurple.6.Considerpaintingapieceoffurnitureaboldcolor.Breakingawayfromthe

wood-on-woodpaletteofmostcasegoodscanbeaterrificwaytoaddalittlepizazztoyourhome.Takeoneofyourmoreweatheredpieces,andfollowingthe How-To Instructions on page 80, give that piece of furniture a majorfacelift.AboldorbrightcolorcanbeaperfectwaytoaddalittlePOPinanunexpectedway.Theonlydownsidetothis—pillowsarewayeasiertoswitchout thandresser colors, so if youdecide to take theplunge, come to termswiththepossibilitythatyoumightwanttorepaintitagainafewyearsfromnow.

Word of advice: Painting furniture should be done in moderation andinstalled with consideration. Putting one jacked-up spray painted piece offurniturenext toanotherdifferentlyspraypaintedpiecefoolsnoone(okay,maybe a few idiots.) It just makes everything look like an arts and craftsproject gone amuck, so if you’re going to boldly spray paint a piece,makesure you’ve considered how that color will interact with the rest of thefurnitureinyourspace.

Street Finds: How to Revitalize and Reupholster Mix-and-MatchDiningChairsSpraypainting furniture is the fastestwaytorevitalizeanoldpiece,and isalsotheperfectwaytomakeabunchofmismatchedpiecescoordinate!Masteringtheart of basic upholstery means you’ve mastered the skills to make a junkitylookingstreet-findintoarealjewel,butmorethanthat—bygettingcomfortablewithspraypaintingandupholstery, thesky’s the limit!Therearesofewstreet-findsorthriftstorescoresthatcan’tbetransformedwithacoatofpaintand/oracutepieceof fabric; so if you’re livingon a tightbudget—this isworthgettinggoodat.Anddon’tforget—there’sareasontheysay“Practicemakesperfect.”Itmighttakeacoupleofattemptsatupholsterytoreallygetthehangofit,butonceyou’vegotitnailed,there’snothingyoucan’trecover.

Skillsyou’llneed:Veryfew!

Timeyou’llneed:Verylittle!30minutes,max,plusalittleextrafordrytime.

Toolsyou’llneed:• Oldchairs inneedofa facelift. Ihighlyrecommendhunting inyour family

basement,atyardsales,orevenonthestreetfortheperfectcandidate!• Spraypaintinthecolorofyourchoosing.(Estimate1½cansofspraypaint,

persmallchair)I’dliketodiscourageyoufromsprayingallofyourchairslimegreen,butneversay“Never.”Maybethatwouldbeawesome?

•Fine-gritsandpaperorasandingblock(optional)•Damppapertowel•Dropcloth•Staplegunandstaples•Fabric(quantitiesdependonthesizeoftheseatyou’rereupholstering)•Screwdriver•Pinkingsheersorsharpscissors(Ifyou’vegotlong-termDIYaspirations,you

mightaswellspringforpinkingsheersnow.They’llcomeinhandyamilliontimes in the future, are delightfully sharp, and will keep all of your sewingprojects from fraying intoa sorryheap.Worth the expense if you’re in it towinit.)

Prepwork:Startbyremovingtheseatfromeachofyourchairs.Flipeachchairover, and using your brain, figure out how the seat cushion is attached to thechair base. Typically, you use a screwdriver to remove the screws that areattaching the seat cushion to the frameof the chair. Set aside the seat cushionand take a second to put the screws somewherememorable so you don’t losethem. I highly recommend putting them in a little jar or cup so they don’tsneakilyrollaway,butit’sdealer’schoiceonthatone.

Moreprepwork:I’dliketosaythatdependingonthefinishofyourchair,youcouldlightlysandtheframeofthechairtomakesurethepaintadhereswelltothesurface,butthefactisyoureallyshouldgiveitalightsanding,particularlyifthereisanexistinghigh-glossorlacqueredfinish.Thisisgoingtotakeanextra5minutes,tops,andiswell-worththeminisculeextraeffortif itmeansthatyourpaintstayswhereyouwantittoforaslongasyouwantitto.Onceyou’velightlysandedyourchairframeusingyourfine-gritsandpaperorasandingblock,grabadamppapertoweltowipedowntheentireframeofyourchairs.Spraypaintisdecidedlyunforgivingwhenitcomestodustandgrime—Iswearitgobsupandhighlights every freaking dust particle—so it’sworth it to do a thoroughwipedown before you start the spray-painting portion of this project. Sadly, thisproject is like oh-so-many home improvement projects—planning ahead anddoing the necessary prepworkwill define your overall success—so put in thetimenowtoensureawesomeresultsafter.Boo-hoo,Iknow.

Now—getinthere:Onceyou’veremovedyourseatandthoroughlywipeddownyourchair,you’rereadytospraypaint!Positionyourchaironadropclothinawell-ventilatedarea—otherwiseknownasOUTSIDE—andmakesureyouhaveyourpaintingstationsetupawayfromanythingyoudon’twantsprayed.Spraypaint has an uncanny talent for blowing absolutely freaking everywhere, so besurethatyou’rewearingworkclothsandmoreimportantly,thatyou’renowherenear your house, car, or anyone else’s belongings when you’re tackling thisproject.Itis100percentnotworthittospraypainttheseamazingchairsyourselfif you thenhave topay someone else to repaint your car.Youwillnot forgiveyourself,Ipromise.

Anothernote:Regardlessofhowmuchyouwant toget thisprojectdoneonarainy day—DO NOT GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION AND SPRAY PAINTINSIDEYOURHOME.EverythingI’vejustmentionedaboutspraypaintgoingeverywhereisexponentiallymoretrueifyou’reinside—nottomentionthatyourhomewillsmelltohigh-hellfordaysafterward.Don’tdoit.Putadropclothoutinyouryard,ontheroofofyourapartmentbuilding,inthestreetforgodsake—butDONOTSPRAYPAINTINYOURHOUSE.Itwillbeasticky,miserable,stinkymessyou’llregretimmensely.

Okay,nowyoucanreallystart:Giveyourspraycanagoodsolidshakewiththe

capon—foratleast30seconds—beforeyoustartpainting.Then,removethecap,and holding the spray can nozzle about 6" away from your furniture, beginsprayinginconsistent,smoothmotionsfromlefttoright.Trytoevenlycoatthepiece,butdon’tgobuckwildhere.Yourresultswillbefarbetterifyougobackanddoasecondcoatthantheywillifyouendupwithdripping,gunkylookingspraypaintthattakesforeverandadaytodry;soifyouneedtodoathin,evenlayer;andthencircleback—that’sthewaytogo.

Nowthatyou’vedone that . . .Onceyou’ve thoroughly coatedyour furniturewith a layer of paint, allow it to dry completely. Check the spray can for therecommendeddrytimetoensurethatit’sfullydriedbeforestartfoolingaroundwith itagain.Afteryour firstcoathasdried, flipyour furnitureoverandsprayany of the areas on the underside that youmissed on the first round. In myexperience,Ifindthatthebestwaytocatchthesehard-to-see-spotsisbyputtingyourpieceontopofatableorworkbench(coveredinadropcloth,unlessyouwantthattobelimegreentoo),butobviouslythatdependslargelyonthesizeofthefurnitureyou’repaintingandtheamountofspaceyou’vegottoworkin.

Theboringpart:Repeat.Yep.Dependingonhowthoroughlyyouwereabletocovertheoriginalfinishinyourfirstroundofspraying,youmayneedtorepeatallofthosestepsagain.Somebrandsofspraypaintrecommendalightsandingin between coats of paint, and they’ll also tell you how long they think youshouldwaitinbetweencoats—somakesureyouconsultyourspraycantomakesurethatyou’regettingthebestpossibleresultsoutofyourstreetfind.

Whilewewait . . .Whileyour frame isdrying,youcan turnyourattention toreupholstering your seat cushions. This project is seriously a cinch, butaesthetically,itseparatestheboysfromthemen.Bysimplyaddingacustomizedcushion to your junky street chair, you’ve truly transformed it to awholenewpieceoffurniture.Andhonestly,it’ssoeasytodo,youreallydon’thaveagoodexcusenotto.

Startbylayingyourfabricout,patternsidedown,onaclean,flatsurface.Layyourseatcushions(whichyouremovedduringthe“prepworkphase”)ontopofyourfabric,withthecushionsidefacingdownandthewoodenside/undersideoftheseatfacingup.

Nowforthosepinkingsheers!UsingthatwonderfulpairofpinkingsheersyouboughtbecauseItoldyouto(orjustareallysharppairofscissorsbecauseyou’renotreadytocommittoalifeofhomeimprovement),cutoutyourfabric,leavingaroughly3"borderaroundthesizeofyourseatcushion.Whenindoubt,leaveabiggerborderthanasmallerborder,asyoucanalwaystrimtheexcesslater.The

3"I’veestimatedaboveisdeterminedbythedepthofyourseatcushion,soifit’sarelativelyslimseatcushion,3"shouldbeample,but if it’sastoundinglyplush(a.k.a. tall)youmightneedto leavemore.Beforeyoucut, testhowmuchextrayou’ll need by pulling your fabric around the cushion base. Don’t skimp. It’llscrewyouintheendifyouhaven’tcutthefabriclargeenough.

TAKENOTE:Beforeyoucutyourfabric,makesureyoupayattentiontohowthepatternrunsandhowthecushionsattachtoyourchairs.Forexample:ifyouhaveastripedfabricliketheonewe’reusinginthisproject,makesureyoulinethepatternupcorrectlyonallofyour seatcushions, so thatwhenyouput thecushionsbackontheframes,theholeswilllineupwiththeoriginalholesinthebase,andthepatternwill stillgo in thedirectionyouwant it toonALLof thechairs.Thiscantakealittlefinessing,buttakethetimetodoitbeforeyoustaplethefabricinplace,soyoudon’thavetodrillnewholesinthebaselater...

Almost finished . . .Once you’ve cut out your cushion fabric, it’s time touse

yourstapleguntofixthefabricinposition.Pulltheextrafabricborderoffabrictightlyover theedgeof thecushionandonto thewoodenbaseof the cushion.Holdingthefabricfirmlywithonehand,andthenuseyourotherhandtostaplethefabricintoplace,staplingevery2"tomakesureyougetanicetightfitacrossthe seat cushion. If your seat is round like ours, youmay need to overlap thefabricslightlysothat ithugstheseatbasetightly.Channelyourpaper-airplaneskillsfromyearspastandyoucanfigureouthowtofoldthefabricwithouttoomuchdifficulty.Ifyoucan’t,maybeyoushouldreconsideryour lifeasaDIYerandheadtoyourclosestTargetinstead.

TheEnd!Nowthatyourseatcushionsarerecoveredandyourchairframeshavedried completely, you can reassemble your glorious chairs! Put your seatcushions, facedown,onasmooth,cleansurface (ideallya tableorworkbenchthat isn’t covered in spray-paint residue) and then position your chair framesdirectlyontopofyourupside-downcushions,withtheseatbackcomingdownbelow the table top. (That’s kind of a difficult image to describe: Imagine youweregoing tomopunderyour table—howwouldyouput thechairson topofthetablesothatyoucanmop?Ooooo-kay.Nowyougetme.)Makesurethatthescrewholesfromtheframesaredirectlyinlinewiththescrewholesintheseatcushions,andthenre-screweachofyourscrewstightlythroughthechairframeintothecushionbase.(Aren’tyougladyoudidn’tloseanyofyourscrews!?),andnowflipyourchairsbackover.Ta-da!

How Large Should Your Rug Be: a.k.a. “How Large IsYourBudget?”The size of your rug, ideally, would be dictated by a couple of fairly obviousthings.Thefirst:thesizeoftheroom.Thesecond:theplacementofthefurniturein that room(obviously theplacementofyour furniture isgoing tobedirectlyinfluenced by the room it’s in, so it’s kind of chicken-or-the-egg in terms ofwhichcomesfirst).

However,formanyofus,thesizeofourrugismorefrequentlydictatedbyourbudgetthanbyourpreference—soyou’vegottwothingstofigureout:1.)Howbigshouldyourrugbe?2.)Canyoufindsomethingaffordableinthatsize?AndIhatetobeabuzzkill,but100percentofthetime,I’dratherseeanunderstated,unremarkable rug (a.k.a. IKEA SISAL!) that fits the room and the furnitureproperly than see, like, an utterly gorgeous antique Persian rug (worth SOMUCH money) that looks like a sad doily sitting on your living room floorbecauseit’svastlytoosmallfortheroom.I’msorry.Idon’tcareifit’svaluable.Idon’t care if it’s beautiful.Put it somewhere else.Put it in ahallway.Use it inyourbathroom.Turnitintoawall-hangingforallIcare.Seriously,arugthat’stoo small for the room just looks like a sad, small rug—an island in a sea offlooring and furniture—nomatter how beautiful. So, if you’reworkingwith asuper tight budget, the solution is to buy an inexpensive, uneventful area rug

that’sactuallytheappropriatesizeforyourroom.EarlierinthebookIdiscussedfindingabalanceof“pop”and“quiet”planesinyourhome...Lettingyourrugbeoneofthe“subdued”momentsinyourroomprovidesasubtlebackdropforotherjazzyaccents,whilealsosavingyouacoupleofbucks.That’sawin-win,I’dsay.

Nowthen:HowtoDetermineanAppropriatelysizedrug:Whetherornot you’re encumberedby aminiscule budget, you still need to

determinetheappropriatesizeofyourrugforyourfurniturearrangement.Iliketostartbylookingatthesizeofthelargestpieceoffurnitureintheroom,asthatwillhaveahuge influenceonyourrugsize.Forexample: Inyour livingroom,youwanttherugtobeproportionatetoyoursofa.Inyourbedroom,you’llwantittobeinscalewiththesizeofyourbed.Thosearesimplesentences,butactuallyfiguringoutwhat’s“toscale”isalittletrickier.Let’sdelvedeeper...

ForYourLivingRoom

Remarkably therearen’t thatmanyways toarrangeyour living roomfurnitureunless you’re living in some sprawling suburban palace/nightmare. Obviouslythere’sloadsofvariationinthere,bigchairs/smallchairs,loveseat/sectionalbutmoreorless,you’reeitheranchoringyoursofaagainstawall,oryou’refloatingthewholearrangementinthemiddleoftheroom.

Ifyou’reanchoringthesofaagainstawall:This is, from the perspective of buying a rug, a less expensive arrangement,becauseyouneedlessrugtomakethisworkwell.Ideally,you’dbuyenoughrugsothatthefronttwolegsofallofthefurniturelandscomfortablyontherug.Inthisscenario,I’drecommenddecidingwhereyou’dliketoplaceyourfurniture,andthenmeasuringforyourrug,ratherthandoingitinreverse,asyouruntherisk of ending up with furniture much farther apart or much closer togetherbasedonrugsizeratherthancomfort.

Thereasonthisis lessexpensiveisbasicallyyou’rebuyingarugonlyslightlylarger than the width of your sofa, plus whatever chair arrangement you’reworkingwith.

Ifyou’refloatingthefurnitureinthemiddleoftheroom:Mypreferenceforthisconfigurationwouldbethatyouuseyourrugtocreatea“roomwithina room,”basicallyyour rug is an island that containsallof yourfurniture,soallfoursofalegswilllandontherug;allofthechairlegswilllandontherug;everythingthatmakesupyourprimarylivingroomseatingareasitson the rug. So you can see how this arrangement would end up being moreexpensive—you’llneedarugthat’s largertofitcompletelyunderyoursofaandchairs,ratherthanjustperchingunderthefeetofyourfurniture.

Tobe clear, I amnot suggestingyouconfigureyour roombasedon the rugyou can afford. I’m suggesting you configure your room based on how yourfurniturefitsbest,andthenfindarugyoucanaffordthatwillfitappropriately.

ForYourBedroom

Yourbedroomrugshouldbealittlemorestraightforward.Thisisbasedonthesize of the room, but hypothetically, my first preference would be that yourbedroomrug landsabout9" away from thewall at the footofyourbed, andasimilardistancefromthewallsontheleftandrightsidesofyourbed.Ifyou’vegot awide dresser, the rugwould ideally land under the front two feet of thedresser,or(pushcomestoshove),6"–9"infrontofthedresser’sfeet,andyou’restillingreatshape.Ifyou’vegotatallnarrowdresser,we’rebacktoPlanA—withtheruglandingabout9"awayfromthewall.

Abigno-no,whichIseesurprisinglyfrequently,isputtingtherugallthewayunderyournightstands.Notonlyisthisunnecessary,butit’salsokindofweirdlooking.Whenyou’redeterminingthesizeofyourrug,measureafewinchesinfrontof the front feetofyournightstands, so,dependingon thedepthofyournightstands,about21"inchesawayfromthewallbehindyourheadboard.

Ifyourbudgetpreventsyoufromgettinganarearugthatlands9"awayfromthewalls,there’saPlanB.Analternativemethodwhichwillalsowork:Measure

yourrugsothatitprotrudesatleast36"oneithersideofyourbedandatleastthesameamountatthefootofthebed.Theideahereisthatyoudon’twantthesizeof thebed tooverwhelm the sizeof the rug, so that the rug looks like adinkylittlefootnoteatthebottomofyourhugebed.Soevenifyoucan’taffordtobuyarugthatwillfillyourroom,youcanstillbuyarugthatwilllookreasonablewithyourbed.

AndIknowit’sannoyingthatsomuchoftherugisunderthebed.Iknowit’sannoyingthatyouarepayingforrugyouaren’tseeingandtothatIsay,“Toughluck.”Thisishowit’sdone,buddy,andthisiswhatwilllookgood,sostopbeingawhinerandgobuyarugthat’stheappropriatesizeforyourbed.

Wait!There’saPlanC:Emergency-Super-Duper-Broke-Rug-Plan:Runners!If you really can’t swing the cost of a proper area rug for your bedroom,

considerbuyingapairofrunners togoonthe leftandrightsidesofyourbed.DONOTBUYONEFORTHEEND.Theyshouldbeclosetothelengthofyourbed,stilllandacoupleofinchesinfrontofthelegsofyournightstands,andfortheloveofPete,investinnon-skidrugmats,oryouandtheywillbeslippingallovertheplace!

HowtoBuildandUpholsteranOttoman

Ottomanvs.coffeetable

It’s an ongoing dispute: an age-old debate of comfort versus practicality.Obviously it’s nicer toput your feet upon anottoman than toput themon atable.Andit’sdefinitelybetter toputyourcoffeecuponacoffee table thananottoman.Especiallywhenyouinevitablyspillcoffeeeverywhere.Soyou’llhavetodecide—are you on the comfort teamor the function team? I can’tmake thatdecisionforyou,butIcanteachyouhowtotransformacrappyoldcoffeetableinto a totally awesome ottoman. Which is great if you want an awesome

ottoman.

Skillsyou’llneed:Virtuallynone.Justbasicproficiencywithastaplegunandthepatience towrap the foamand fabricaround the table.We’re talkingE-A-S-Y,people.

Timeyou’llneed:Maybe30minutes,tops.

Stuffyou’llneed:•Acoffeetableofyourchoosing.Ithinksomethingleggyandwoodenseemsto

workparticularlywell,butIbetacoolsteelbasewouldbegreat lookingtoo.ThisisaperfectprojectforaCraigslist/yardsale/streetfind,thoughifyoufindacoffeetablewithreallyterrificlegs—andwhatyouwantisanottoman,thisisaperfectprojectforthatpiecetoo.

•Radfabric:Ineededonly1yardoffabrictocovermy45"x24"coffeetable.•Foam/batting:Iusedtwolayersofthinmemoryfoam,andalayerofthinfelt

batting,butifyouhitupyourlocalfabric/craftstore,youcouldprobablygetawaywithjustbuying2"foamandyou’dbeinbusiness.I’veevenseen2"foamavailableatHomeDepot,sothat’sanotherresourcetocheck.

•Staplegunandstaples

Getyourselfsetup:I’mafirmbelieverinbeingabletoseemyprojectswhenIwork on them, so I started this bad boy by putting the coffee table up onmydiningroomtable,soIcouldreallyseewhatIwasdoing.Don’tforgettoprotectyour dining table from the feet of the coffee table, or you’ll end up makinganother,considerablymoredifficultprojectforyourself.

ThenIstretchedmyfoamoverthecoffeetable,andfiguredouthowbigofapiecetocut.BasedonthepieceoffoamIhad,Iwasabletodotwolayers—onethesizeofthetabletop,andasecondlayerontop,thatIcuttobeabout3"largeroneachsidethanthesizeofthetabletop.Theamountoffoamyouchoosetouseisuptoyou—Iwantedmyottomantobeplushandcomfy,soIwentwithtwolayers,buttheoretically,youcouldskimponthisalittlewithoutterribleresults.

Up to bat: Yep. I just made that pun. Don’t judge. Once my foam was inposition,Ilaythefeltbattingontopofthelayersoffoam.Thebattingisanextrastepyoucanskipifyou’rereallydoingthisonthecheap.Ithelpskeepthefabricin position, and softens the squeakiness of the foam underneath, but if youroptionsaredinnerorbatting,definitelybuydinner.

Icutmyfeltbattingsothatitdrapedovermyfoambyacoupleofinches,sowhen it was time to staple it, the felt batting was the outside layer—holdingeverythingunderitin.

HANDYHINT:When I started stapling, I put a couple of staples inwithmystaplegun,inordertokeepeverythinginplace,andthenIflippedthewholekit-and-kaboodle over, and stapled it upside down. This made the stapling wayeasier,allowingmetogetabetter,strongerangleforstaplingwithouthavingtorepositioneverythingonceitwasflippedover.

Keepgoing . . .Onceyou’vegot the table flippedover,useyour staplegun tosecurethevariouslayersofbattingandfoaminplaceontotheundersideofthetable. I stapled thehelloutof the foamandbatting tomakesure itdidn’t shiftaround.Dealer’s choiceonhowthoroughlyyou fix this inplace. Ifyou’re sureyourtableisacompletepieceofjunk,youcouldalsoapplygluetothetabletoptokeepthefoaminposition.I’mabigbelieverinversatility,soIdecidednottoglueit,incaseIwantedittoconvertitbackintoacoffeetablesometimedownthepike.

Prettymuchthelaststep:Nowplaceyourpieceoffabricontopoftheottoman,makingsuretopositionitsothatthepatternisstraight,andthentrimdowntheexcesssothereisonly3"overlappingeachside,justthewayIdidwiththefoamand the felt batting. Then repeat the method above—popping in a couple ofstaples and then flipping it over—so it can sit upside down on your worksurface/diningroomtable.

No,really!You’realmostfinished:Nowinsertyourrowofstaples,justthesamewayyoudidwhenyouwere fixing the foam inplace.At thecorners, youmayneedtofoldthefabricslightlytogetthetightestcorner.Don’tgotoofast-and-furious into that section—take a second to figure out which fold gets you theflattest, least visible results—and then staple it in place. Once you’ve stapledeverything,flipthatbabyover,andyou’vegotyourselfaneye-catching,wicked-comfortable ottoman that will function as one of your homemade POW!momentsinyourlivingroom!Andifyou’relikeme,andstillwantaplacetoput

your coffee, pick up a cute tray at your local home-goods shop, and yourottomanwillbeabletofunctionasbothcoffeetableandcomfortablefootrest,allinone!

HowtoMakeYourOwnUpholsteredHeadboardYoucandothis.Andyoushould!

Theupholsteredheadboardistheunsungheroofeverybedroom.Itisthemuch-neededpunctuationthatgivesdefinitiontoboththebedandthewallbehindit,by creating a visible, structured distinction between the two planes, addingtexture and nuance,while also giving a purposeful, “designed” quality to yourbedroom.Alsoit’sreallycomfortabletoleanagainst.Basically,what’snottolike?

Sonowthatwe’veagreedthattheupholsteredheadboardhasalotgoingforit,thequestionis:Howareyougoingtogetone?Tobehonest,thereareatonofsupercheapversionsavailableonline—youcantrollaroundonlineandprobablyfindsomethingofdecentqualityfor$150–$300.Makenomistake,thiswon’tbea glorious piece of high-quality furniture, and definitely not produced in theUnited States—but if the country of origin doesn’t bother you, the qualitydoesn’tneedtobephenomenaltodothejob,soifyou’renotfeelingcrafty,shelloutforaready-madeoneandcallitaday.

Personally,I’dratherspend$150ondinnerthan$150onaheadboard,soI’mgoing tomakemyownheadboard,anduse themoney I saved foranightout.Maybemyprioritiesareskewed,butlet’signorethatforthetimebeing...

The“How-To”ofupholsteredheadboardmaking isprettysimpleandprettycheap,especiallyifyou’vegotsomesparefabriclayingaround.You’llneedabouttwo yards of fabric, and in the interest of keeping this project as simple aspossible,youwanttochooseafabricthatcan“run”ineitherdirection.Basicallythatmeansyouneedtochooseeither:

a.Asolidfabricwithoutapattern.b.Apattern thatwon’t lookweird ifyourun it fromleft right insteadofup

downbecauseotherwiseyou’llhavetosewtwopiecesoffabrictogetherandthisstarts becomingmorework than it’s worth and that cheap-o beige headboardfromVietnamstartslookingalittlemoreappealing.

Skillsyou’llneed:Veryfew!

Timeyou’llneed:Amediumamountoftime,maybeanhourortwo,dependingonhowhandyyouareandhowhelpfulyourlocallumbersupplyis.

Suppliesyou’llneed:

•2yardsoffabric•2yardsof1"thickfoam•2yardsofcottonbatting•1/4"plywoodforheadboard,sizedeterminedbythesizeofyourbed.•Full-size:57"widthx30"height•Queen-size:62"widthx30"height• 4 pieces of 1” x 6" wood cut to size to make a frame within the piece of

plywood,soifyou’remakingafull-sizeheadboard,you’llneed:•Two1"x6"s,cutto57"long•Two1"x6"s,cutto18"long•3Heavy-dutypicture-hangingD-rings(Idoubtyouknowwhatthisis,butif

yougotoahardwarestore,theycanshowyou.)Lookfortheoneswith2or3screwholes,tomakesureitcanbesecurelyconnectedtoyourheadboard.

•Electricdrillw/Phillips-headdrillbit•Heavy-dutystaplegun&staples•Woodscrewsforconnectingthe1"x6"totheplywood,andtheD-ringstothe

1" x 6"s. Once again, if you’re not sure, ask at the hardware store forrecommendationsonsizeandstrength...

Allrighty.It’sanintimidatingsupplylist,butmakingthisbabyisgonnabeabreeze.Let’sgetinthere!

I’mlikeabrokenrecordhere,butIalwaysthinkthisisthemostimportantstep:

figureoutwhereyou’regoingtoputthissuckertogether.Clearaspaceonyourfloororputadropclothoveryourdiningroomtable,andthenyoucanreallygetstarted. Start by laying out your frame, configuring the two 57" pieceshorizontally, and separating them with two 18" pieces, positioned vertically.Basicallyyou’rearrangingaflatboxonyourfloor.Prettystraightforward.

Ideally,you’ll thenbeable to layyourplywoodpanelon topof thisboxand itwilllineuptidilytotheedgeofyourplywoodpanel.Ifthisisthecase,youcangoaheadandscrewthroughyourplywoodpanelintothe1"x6"frameyou’velaidout, using roughly six–eight screwsper side tomake sure that bugger is reallyattachedtoyourframe.Ifnot,straightenupyour“frame”soallofthesidesareparallelandflushwiththesidesoftheplywood,andthenattach.

Onceyou’vegotyourplywoodattachedtoyour1"x6" frame,you’re like75percentfinishedwiththisproject,sowe’removingrightalong...

Nextup:Cutyour2yardsof1"foamsoit’sthesamesizeasyourplywoodpanel

(57"x30"forafull)andthenlayoutthe2yardsofbattingonyourflatsurface.Thenplaceyour1"foamontopofthebatting,andpositionyourplywoodpaneland frame, face down, (a.k.a. frame-side up) on top of the foam. The foamshouldnowbeparallelandflushwiththeedgesoftheplywood,justastheframewasbefore.Nowpull thebattingaround theedges, andusingyour staplegun,affix thebatting to the frame.Be thoroughhere—useplentyofstaples tomakesurethefoamstaysinplace,andtrimtheexcessbattingasneeded.

Sonowyou’vegotareallysoftrectangleofwood.Lay your fabric on your flat surface (iron it if needed before you attach it

permanentlytoapieceofwood!)withthefrontsideof thefabric facingdown.**Makesureifthere’sanypatternyou’reworkingwiththatyou’vegotthefabricpositionedsothepatternwillbestraightonceyou’refinished.**

Pullthefabrictautaroundtheedgeofthefoamandbatting,andthenstaplethatexcessivelytothewoodframeonthebacksideofyourheadboard.Okay,maybe

not excessively, but youwant it tobe really tight so itdoesn’twrinkle and tugovertime,andyoualsowant it tobereallywell-attachedorthe fabricwillpullandfrayintheplaceswheretherearestaples,whichwouldbearealbummer.

Once you’re finished, you’ll attach yourD-rings! Youwant to attach yourD-ringsnexttothefabricandbattingthat’sbeenpulledaroundtheframe,sothatitdoesn’tendupstickingoutfurtherthanthefabric.So—tobeclear—notonthefabric,butnexttothefabric,closertothecenterofyourwoodpanel.PositionthethreeD-ringsequidistant fromeachotheron thebackofyourheadboard,andmake sure all three D-rings are also positioned at the same height on yourheadboard,soyoudon’tdriveyourselfnutshangingitup.

Andfinally...installingyourheadboard!Thisisprobablythehardestpartofthiswholeheadboard-buildingendeavor,becausetheinstallationwillbespecifictothekindofwallsyouhave.Ifyouhavehollowwalls,you’llprobablywanttouseheavy-duty“hammeranchors”tosecurethreescrewsintoyourwall,tohang

yourD-Ringhardware on. Inmy case, I have old brickwalls, sowe are usingthreeleadanchorstosecurethescrewsinplace.Themostessentialsteptothisismakingsurethatyou’reusingtherighthardwareforyourparticularwalls(askatyour localhardwarestore ifyou’renotsure!)andthen—makingsurethatyourscrews are positioned correctly so that your headboard will hang in the rightplace,andlook/belevel.

Thekeytothisisanoldie,butagoodie:Measuretwice,drillonce.Exceptinthisscenario,whereI’drecommendmeasuringsixtimes,anddrillingthrice.

HowtoDressYourBed soYouFeelLikeYouLive inaHotelSo we’ve talked about this a little already. I seriously believe in a beautiful,comfortablebed.Iamamajorsubscribertoduvetinserts,feather-blendpillows,highthreadcounts,fluffyeuroshams,tailoredbedskirts,andlinenduvetcovers.And youmight be a big fan too, if only you had any ideawhat I was talkingabout. Let’s start with some vocabularywords, so you can familiarize yourselfwith the some “bedding terminology” to ensure that we’re on the same pagemovingforward:

Duvet insert:This is a fluffyblanket that goes inside aduvet cover.These aretypicallywashedtwiceayear—whenyougetitoutintheFallandwhenyouputitawayintheSpring(oryoucanuseitallyearround,dependingontheweightandwarmthofyourduvetinsert).

Feather-blend pillows: This refers to the kind of filling that goes inside thepillows.Mypreferenceisabsolutelyforfeatherordownpillows,astheymakemefeel like I’m sleepingonanopiate-filled cloud,butobviously this is apersonaldecision. Be aware that if you have certain allergies, feather pillows and downduvet insertsmightmakeyou itch likecrazy,sobesureyouknowwhatyou’regettingintobeforeyouforkoverthemoneyforthesebadboys.Featherpillowsalsolookgreat—theyhaveaperkyfluffy-nessthat lookspolishedandtidyonawell-madebed,whichisanotherperk.

Poly-fillpillows:Thesearethetypicalalternativetofeatherpillows,andletmeassure you—they are not all created equal. A good quality poly-fill (or “downalternative”)pillowcanfeelsomuchlikeadownpillow,you’dbarelynoticethedifference—abadqualityversionfeelssomuchlikesleepingonastackofbricksthatbynightnumber three, you’ll beburning it in the street.Don’t cheapouthere!

Thread count: Okay, thread count is an important term in the world of bedsheets. Thread count refers to literally the number of horizontal and verticalthreadspersquareinchofyoursheet.Generallyspeaking,thehigherthethreadcount,thesofterthesheets—ormoretothepoint—thelowerthethreadcount,the more your sheets feel like sandpaper. There is something to be said for

aiming in the middle of this range—like a 400–500-thread count, as higherthreadcountusuallyimpliesthatthesheetswillwearbetterovertime,andevensoftenwithuse.Thatsaid,I’vealsoboughtsometerrific300-threadcountsheetsthat I’ve been totally happy with. Don’t get me wrong, you wouldn’t mistakethemfor800-threadsinamillionyears,butthedifferencebetween300-and400-threadcountsheetscanbenegligible, incomparisontotheirdifferenceincost,which can be noticeable. My advice to you is to make the decision based ontouch.Actuallyopen the sheetsand feel them. I’vedone thisbeforeand found500-threadcount sheets that felt like (revolting) slipperynylon,and I’ve found200-threadcountsheetsthatfeltlikeopulent600-threadcount-ers;soyouneverknowuntilyougive’emafeel.

Euroshampillows,morepillows,andotherpillows.I love pillows. All of them. I want as many pillows on my bed as humanlypossible. It’s truly laughable.Vergingon ridiculous.Butwhen I’m laying therefor the seven-and-a-half free minutes I have to read each evening, and I’mleaningagainstmyheadboard, restingagainstapuffyeurosham,ensconced inpillowsineverydirection—Iamutterlyblissedoutandentirelyunfazedbyyourmockery.

So—foryourreference:

Eurosham:26"x26"pillow,usuallyputbehindthestandardpillows,leaningupagainsttheheadboard.

Standard pillow: Ordinary 20" x 26" pillow, which gets a regular pillow case.Thisgoesinfrontoftheeuroshamandbehindthestandardsham.

Standardsham:Ordinary20"x26"pillow,whichgetsamoredecorativepillowcase.(Peopleoftendon’tsleepontheirshampillows.)

Lumbarpillow: Ifyou'refancy,youcanalsohave lumbarpillowsonyourbed.Thesearetypically16"x26"or14"x22",butsometimescanbedoublewidthsothatitrunsthewidthofyourbed.Thesearereallyoptional—butIlikethepopofcolormylumbarpillowsaddtomybedroomsetup.

Throwpillows:Lastone,Iswear.Thethrowpillowisyourlittle“pizzazzpillow.”It’stheoneIaddtomybedtoprovidealittlecontrastandplayinrelationshiptomybedlinens,sothateverythingfeelsalittlemorecollectedandcurated,anda

littleless“matchingsetofeverything.”Thatsaid,I’mclearlygivingmybedlinensmore consideration thanmost people—so you can skip this if it feels like it’soverkill.

Bed skirts:Abed skirt is thepieceof fabric thatdrapesover yourbox spring,between your box spring and your mattress to hide your box spring andwhateveryou’rekeepingunderyourbed.Therearemanydifferentstylesofbedskirt,as farasI’mconcerned—unlessyou’redecoratinganolderhomewithanantiquatedaesthetic,youshouldprettymuchonlyuseatailoredbedskirt.Inmybook, anything else is just unnecessarily frilly and overly-decorative. Andgenerally,I likethemtobeasneutralaspossible,soitdoesn’tcompetewithorlimityourbedlinenchoicesgoingforward.

Duvet covers: The last piece to complete your bed is your duvet cover orcomforter.Personally, I think comforters are totally gross—they remindmeofhalf-clean motel rooms near highways in the Midwest, and I diligently avoidusingthem.Ifyouinsistonusingone,fine,butthere’snowayyou’regettingmystampofapproval.Aduvetcover,ontheotherhand,makesmethinkofbreezy,light-flooded resorts overlooking the Caribbean. A duvet cover is essentially aremovableenvelopeof fabric thatyourduvet insert fits into,whichkeepsyourduvetinsertclean,andallowsforeasywashingofyourduvetcover.Idon’tknowwhat the science is behind this—but I swear duvet covers just feel lighter andmore fresh—literallymore “breezy” than a comforter. Investing in a couple ofduvetcovers is thewaytogo—wortheverypennytocreate that“hotel retreat”experienceinyourveryownbedroom.

Coverlet/quilt/throw:This is really the last thingI’mgoing tosuggestyouputonyourbed,Ipromise.Ihappentoreallyloveacoverlet—it’sessentiallyaverythinquiltorblanketthatsitstowardtheendofyourbed,tobreakupthecolororpatternofyourbedlinens,toaddalittleextrawarmthonacoldnight,tocurlupunderwhenyouwanttoreadabookinbed,butyoudon’twanttoentirelymakeyourbedagain,andforme,it’salsoagreatbufferlayerbetweenmy(smelly)olddogandmylovely(clean)bedlinen.Itisabsolutelyoptional—soifyou’reattheendofyourpatienceoryourbudget,youcangivethisonetheskipandIwon’tthinklessofyou.

So I know that sounds like a lot of pillows, a lot of blankets, and a lot ofmoney,butIwanttobecrystalclearaboutonething:IexclusivelybuymybedlinensfromdiscounthomeshopslikeTJMaxxandHomeGoods,orfromplaceslikeWestElmandMacy’swhenthey’rehavinganextra-sale-on-a-sale-and-free-shipping-sale. Ihavea thirteen-year-olddog,a three-year-oldchild,andaverybusyhusband;which translates toa lotof things that ruin sheets andvery fewthingsthatcareaboutsheets.I’mnotgoingtoforkover$200forafreakingduvetcover.That’sjustbananas.Mydogisgoingtomakeithairy,mykidisgoingtowipestickyhandprintson it,andI’mgoing tobeway toobusy to fastidiouslydry clean everything in order tomake it crisply immaculate again. I just can’tstand the pressure. But whenmy pretty gross old dog lounges around onmy

$20.99sheet set; I just strip itoffand throw it into thewashalongwithall theotherstuffmyfamilyhassullied.Notacareintheworld.

Mypointis,yourbedcanlookandfeellikeahotelbedwithoutcostingyouasmallfortune.Andinmyopinion,unlessyou’rereallyloadedanddon’tplanonowning a dog, it definitely shouldn’t cost a fortune, because there are moreimportantthingstospendyourmoneyon.

Okay, sonow that youknowwhat is goingon yourbed, youneed to knowhowtosetitup.We’regoingtoworkfromthegroundup,andthenyoucanrefertothediagramifthisjustisn’tclearenough.

STEP1:Positionyourbedskirt.Yourbedskirtshouldbeevenlyplacedontopofyourboxspring,belowyourmattress,sothatthethreesidesthatdrapedownhang evenly above the floor. One side won’t have a draping piece—that goestowardyourheadboardsoyoudon’tseeit.

STEP2:Nowtomakeyourbed.Startbypullingonyourfittedsheet.Ifyou’reusingacomforter,youmightalsouseaflatsheet.Ican’tstandthatsheet,butifyou insist,put thatonnext, and tuckabout12"of the sheetunder thebottomendofyourmattresstokeepitinposition.

STEP3:Nowgetyourduvetcoverandduvetsetup.Irecommendgrabbingtheupper two cornersof theduvet cover from the inside andpulling themout tomeetyourduvet.Ifyou’verecentlyboughtaduvetcover,you’llmostlikelyfindlittleribbonsattachedtothoseuppertwocorners.Thosearetheresoyoucantieyourduvet insert to the topcornersofyourduvet cover, and itwillkeepyourduvetinplacewhileyou’reusingit.Thisisaverybasicbutastoundinglyusefuldevelopmentinduvet-covertechnology.Nokidding.It’srevolutionizingthewaybeds look.Onceyou’vegotyourduvet insertpositioned,shaketheduvetcoverdown over it and button up the closure at the bottom. If you need to give itanother shake to get everything evenlydistributed, do it now, because it’swayharderonceyou’vetuckeditunderyourmattress.

STEP4:Allright—nowyou’regoingtotuckyourduvet/duvetcoverunderthemattressthesamewayyoudidyoursheet(ifyouinsistonusingaflatsheet).Soyou’llpulltheduvetdownabout12"pastthefootofthemattressandthentuckittightlyunder themattress.Pull it snuglyupover themattress so it lays crisplyflat.

STEP5:Pillowtime.(I’mgoingtoassumeyou’vedecidedtocommittoasmanypillowsasI’vegot,butobviouslyonlyfollowinstructionsforthepiecesthatapplytoyou).You startbypositioningyour euro shamsupagainst yourheadboard.All of thepillows should sit fairlyupright, at like an 80degree angle from thebed.Onceyoureuroshamsareinplace,positionyourstandardpillows,alsoatan80degreeangle.Thisisanimportantdetail—forsomereasonpeopleputtheirpillowsparalleltotheearthandyourwholebedjustfizzlesout.Don’tdoit.Goforthatcrisp,perkylookbysettingthemupright.Onehundredpercentbetter.Now,placeyourlumbarpillowsinfrontofyourstandardpillows,andifyou’rereallygoingforthegold,casually tossonyourthrowpillow.I’mnotkidding.Idon’twantittolooklikeit’ssalutingme—which,cometothinkofit—iskindofwhat Iwant the restof thepillows to look like. Iwant that throwpillow tobemorelaid-back,alittlemorenonchalant.Iknowit’sannoyingwhenIgivethrowpillowshumancharacteristics,buthumormeandgiveitatry.

STEP5:Coverlet?Ifyoudecidedtogowiththecoverlet,firstletmesay,“Goodcall.”So—where toput the coverlet?Whatyou shoulddo is foldyour coverletintothirds,andthenplaceittowardthefootofyourbed,soitleavesabout9"ofduvetcovershowingattheendofthebed,andthencomesupabout24",leavingtherestofyourbeduncoveredtowardtheheadboard.AsImentionedearlier,thecoverletisalovelywaytoaddanotherlayertoyourbed—itbreaksupthecolororpatternofyourbedlinensandaddsalittleextratexturetoyoursetup.

Veryopulenthotel!

Fast-TrackBedroom

Ifthere’snowayyou’regonnadothatotherstuff...

1. Buynewsheets andduvet, andwash.Wash is a crucial stepherebecausenothingsays,“Ionlyboughtthesesheetstoimpressyou”quitelikethefoldsleftoveronasetofsheetswhenyou’vejusttakenitoutofitspackaging.Thismatters less if yourparents are comingover, but if you’re trying towowapotential love interest, those folds sing “desperate” pretty loud and clear. Imean,it’skindofcutetoo,butthenagain,I’masuckerfortheunderdog—notallromanticprospectswillbesoeasilycharmed.

Okay,sheetsbought,washed,bedmade.

2. While you’re at the home store buying sheets, consider buying a pair ofbedside lamps.Or if that feels too cookie-cutter for you, take a foray ontoCraigslist to see what you can find. However, don’t forget expediency iscrucialinthisscenario.Iknowyou’dwantedtofindbedsidelampsthatwerethe perfect physical manifestation of your remarkable, charismatic, wildlyindividualistic personality, but you screwed the pooch, bud, because nowyou’ve got fourdays to get your apartment sortedout and thoseperfectly-emblematic-just-right-for-you-lampsaren’tlikelytoshowupjustinthenickoftime.Let’sleaveitat“buybedsidelamps”andyoucandecidewhatyou’vegot time for—just as long as you’re able to check that box off before yourvisitorsarrive.

3.Wait.Maybe#3shouldproceed#2—andI’mgivingyoutoomuchcredit.I’m

assuming you already have bedside tables at this point. If you don’t havebedside tables, tackle that first, and then address the absence of lamps.Donotputyourlampsonthefloorunless,miraculously,it’s1980,youliveinaloftinSoho,andyourmattressisalsoonthefloor.

At this point, things should already be improving in your bedroom prettydistinctly.You’vegotnewsheets,bedsidetables,bedsidelamps. . .Nowwhat’shappeningwithyourwindows?Tellmeyoudon’thaveabedsheettapedinyourwindow.Orworse—literallyclosedinyourwindowsothata littlepieceof it isactually dangling OUTSIDE. Tell me that isn’t what’s happening. Hopefullyyou’ve got an uncharacteristically beautiful pair of blinds providing youmarvelous light filtration throughout thedayandnight.But let’sgoaheadandguess that’sprobablynothappening. Ifwe’vegot really limited timeuntilyourfamilygetshere,atleasttakethedecayingsheetdown.Idon’tcareifit’sbrightinyourbedroom,orifyou’vegotacrapviewofabrickwall,orbetteryet—agoodview directly into someone else’s apartment. In my book, there is only ONEexcuseforhangingasheetinyourwindow.Ababy.Yep.Onlywhenyouhaveababyareyouallowedtobesodesperateforroom-darkeningeffectsthatyoucanhangasheetinthewindow.Ifyoudon’thaveababy,toughitoutandlet’sfindapermanentsolutioninstead.

Before you decide on one of the following options: DON’T FORGET TOMEASURE YOURWINDOWS. Not just inside, but also the height from theground.Refertothenextsectionforthespecificthingsyouneedtomeasure.Dothisproperlythefirsttimetosaveyourselftheanguishandannoyanceofmultiplereturntripstoperfectyourwindowtreatments.

Option 1: Go to IKEA. They have an epic and very affordable collection ofwindow treatments anddrapeswhich you canhangupNOW.Don’t forget tobuytherodhardwarewhileyou’rethere,andwhenindoubt,alwaysbuytoolongrather than too short. We’ll talk about why in he next section, but in themeantime,justdoit.Iknowthey’remoreexpensive.Toughluck.

Option2:GotoahomeimprovementstorelikeLowesorHomeDepot.Thereyou can also buy drapes and rod hardware. Their selection can be a little lessreliable/modernthanIKEA’sbutI’vehadsuccessestheretoo,sodon’truleitout.Or—if you really want to cheap out—you can get them to custom cut rollershadesforyou,rightthereonthespot.GettingcustomerserviceatHomeDepotcanbelikepullingteethoutofyourownfacewithtweezers,butitcanbedone,

andattwentydollarsapop,canbeworththeenergytomakeithappen.

Option3:Wait for it,because thisone isa surprise: JCPenney. “What?,”Yousay, “JC Penney is still a thing?” Yep. Surprise! JC Penney is still in business,ANDtheydogreatcustomwindowtreatments.Roller shades, solar shades . . .Thedraperyisalittlelessreliable,butifyou’vegotthetimetowaitfordelivery,JCPenney’s custom roller shades are the deal of the century!You can usuallyfindacouponcodeorsaletocombinewiththeiralreadystaggeringlylowprices,andlickitysplit—you’vegotcompletelycustomizedrollershadescomingatyouthroughthemail,forabouttwelvedollarsawindow.Best.Price.Ever.Makenomistake,they’renoHunterDouglasorTheShadeStoreintermsofquality,butthey’re about one-tenth the price, so that seems like a more-than-faircompromiseasfarasthecosttoqualityratioisconcerned.

Option4:All right, fancypants.You’veactuallygot$120 tospendonwindowtreatments.Andtobehonest,it’swortheverypennyifyou’vegotthepenniestospare.BuyingcustomshadesfromsomewherelikeTheShadeStoreiscompletelyawesome. The quality is great, the options infinite, the turn around is usuallyabouttendaystotwoweeks.Freeshipping.What’snottolove?IknowIsoundlikeanadvertisement,butreally—TheShadeStoreisjustasgoodofadealasJCPenney if we’re looking at their cost to quality ratio.What thatmeans is thatalthough they’re more expensive than JC Penney, they’re also much betterqualityandcomewithmanymorebellsandwhistlesthantheJCPenneyshades.TheyalsocomewithmuchbettercustomerservicethantheJCPenneyshades,soalthoughyou’reinvestingmoreintheshortterm,you’regettingsomethingthatwill lastyou longer in the longterm.So, Iguess thisdependshow“longterm”you’refeeling.Ifyou’redefinitelyheadedforanewneighborhoodnexttimeyourleaseexpires,JCPenneywilldothetrick.Ifyou’resittingprettyasahome-owneroralongtermrenter,itmightbeworthittotaketheplunge.Youdecide.

IcingontheCake:TimetoAccessorize

How to Hang Your Drapes Like a Pro (Even If You’reTightonFunds)If you go online right now and Google “How To Hang Your Drapes,” you’llcomeupwithallsortsof tips tomakeyourwindowtreatments looktheirbest.Andtobefair,it’ssolid,thoughmaybeslightlyelitistadvice:

• Hangyourdrapesashighaspossibletoemphasizetheheightofyourroom.(True.)

• Besureyou’rebuyingdraperythatisfullenoughforyourwindows—ideallytwotimesthewidthofyourwindows.(Alsotrue.)

•Focusonyourhardware.Beautifulhardwareisapartofthecompletepackage.Don’t overlook buying better hardware to complement your beautifuldraperies.(Yeah.Okay.)

Those are all delightful tidbits if you’ve got an amplebudget for yourwindowtreatments,andifthat’sthecase,followthatadvicetotheletter.Butifyou’relikeme,you’reshoppingfordrapesatIKEAforareason—notbecauseyoujustlovetheir Scandinavian inspired bird print collection, but because they’reinexpensive.

Soifyou’reinthesameboatasme,andyou’retryingtostretchyourbudgetasfarashumanlypossible,you’regoingtohavetofollowadifferentsetofrules.FYI.Drapes, curtains, and panels are the same thing.One just sounds fancierthantheothers.

If it’s really not in the cardsmonetarily for you to buy drapes thatwill runfrom floor to ceiling, there are a few “make-the-best of it” solutions that youshouldconsider,dependingonjusthowtightyourbudgetis.

A.Slightlybroke:Soyou’restrappedenoughthatyoudon’twanttoforkover$49.99apanel(andthoseareIKEAprices!)butyou’rewillingtotakeabitofahit inthenameofbeauty.Ratherthanhavingyourdrapesfloata footoffthefloor,whichreallydoeslooklikeyou’reanticipatingfloodwaters,youcanconsiderbuyingthetallestpanelsyoucanaffordthatwillrunfromthefloor

to anywhere above the window. I know it’s “recommended” that theyreachedallthewayuptoyourceilings,butc’estlavie—you’vealsogottopayrent, pay off your school loans, and eat, so if it’s that or “recommendeddrapery,”I’mhappyhangingyourdrapes3"abovethetopofyourwindows(tell yourself you’ll have nicer curtains when you finish paying off yourschool debt). This will not make anyone scream out in horror when theycome toyourhome,andanyreasonable interiordesignerwill confirmthatit’sbettertobe10"fromtheceilingthan10"fromthefloor.

B.Prettyfreakingbroke:Resistthetemptationtohangcurtainsfromthetopofyourwindows to anywhere shorter than thewindow sill. I reallywish youdidn’thavetohangyourdrapesjustINthewindow,butifithascometothat—it’spreferabletostarvation,bankruptcy,orawkwardlyshortcurtains.Butifyoucan’tswinghangingyourdrapesfromthetopofyourwindowdownto

yoursill,turntoathirdoption.

C.Completelybroke:Allright,soyou’rereallytryingtomakethiswork,buttosayyoudon’thavemuchexpendableincomeisanunderstatement.Considerthe charm of “cafe curtains.” The cafe curtain is hung ideally half way upyourwindowonaskinnylittle(inexpensive!)curtainrod,andithangsfromhalfwayupthewindowdowntoyourwindowsill.

D. Penniless: One last option, if you’re desperate for some privacy on yourwindows and you just can’t part with the cash for drapes: consider rollershadesor even adhesivepaper that covers yourwindows.You canpickuprollershadesatyourlocalhardwarestore,andcanoftenhavethemcutdownto fit your windows exactly at the store. If that’s still too costly, considerbuying frosted adhesive paper that affixes directly to the glass of yourwindows.I’mnotsayingit’sgorgeous,andyou’renotlikelytoseeitfeaturedinadesignmagazine,butit’sstillsignificantlybetterthantaping,stapling,orworse—wedging—a flat sheet up in your window. Come on guys. You’rebetterthanthat.

Now,ontotheothertwopiecesof“advice”—AsfarasI’mconcerned,snippet#2(aboutthewidthandfullnessofyourcurtains)isabsolutelytrueandresoundingdifficulttocontrolwhenyou’rebuyingreadymadedrapes.Whoeverdecidedonthe standard lengths of drapes was also in charge of estimating the standardwidthofthewindowstheyhangon,soyou’rekindofstuckwithwhatyouget.Iwouldn’t let this drive you too bonkers unless you’ve got crazywidewindowswhichwilllooklaughablysillywithstringylittledrapeshangingoneachend.Ifthat’s the case, and you really need drapery with greater fullness, you could

considerbuyingthreeorfourpanelsandaskingyourlocaltailororlaundromattosewthemtogether. Ifyourbudget is tight,cutpanel3 inhalfvertically,andsewthecutedgetoanotherfull(uncut)panel.Thiswilladdanother50percentwidth to each side of the window, which isn’t necessarily optimal, but it’sdefinitelybetterthannothing.

And regarding that last word of wisdom: About your hardware . . . Yourdraperyhardwarewillbevisible.It’strue.Andyoudefinitelydon’twantittobesoflimsythatitbendsorbreaks.However,italsodoesn’tneedtobeanemblemof your design prowess, ormore to the point, it shouldn’t be.With a sincereapology to theornatemetalworkersof theworld,yourdraperyhardwaredoesnotneedtohavekook-a-doocurlicuesattheendsofit.Itdoesn’tneedseedglassorbssuspendedinanestofwrought iron.Noflowers.Nofleur-de-lis.Noneofthat gobbledygook is worth the up charge of having it. Put that extra moneytowardhavinglongerdrapesandkeepyourhardwareasunderstatedaspossible.Letyourdrapesdothetalking.

MakingReallyGreatDrapes,ontheCheap

Ambitious,butyoucandoit!

Therearecertain things that justcost somuch inhome improvement. I’mnotsurewhyexactly—buteveryonce inawhile there’s just anoutlier—somethingthat seems to be so much more expensive than it needs to be. And windowtreatmentsarejustsuchananomaly.Truly,assumingyou’vegotanywindowsofreasonable size (worse things can happen, I assure you), it can cost a smallfortune to get window treatments, particularly if they’re custom-made. Thisproject isanaffordablesolutiontothatconundrum:makingyourstore-bought“least expensive-drapes-available” appear custom-made;without the horrifyingprice tag.Whenyouconsider that the realdeal runsoveronehundreddollarsperdrape,andyourscostaboutfortydollarsforasetoftwo,you’llbemorethanmotivatedtomakethemyourself!

Skills you’ll need: A decent amount. Not huge, but you’ll need to be at leastmoderatelycompetentwithasewingmachine,orhavereallyniceparents/friendswhoare...

Time you’ll need: This will be a gradually dwindling number. Initially, you’llprobably need about 30minutes for one drape, but once you get the hang ofwhatyou’redoing,thiswillgetprogressivelyeasiera.k.a.faster.

Additionaladvice:1.Don’tgetdiscouragedbydrape#1 2. Don’t try tomakeawholeapartmentof these inonesittingunlessyou’re

really comfortable with a sewing machine and aren’t prone to furioustantrumswhen you encounter adversity with a sewingmachine (I am notthatperson).

3.Don’tonlymakedrape#1,oryourwindowswilllookworsethantheywouldhaveifyou’djusthungupyourcheapIKEAcurtains.

4. Perseverance folks! It’s usually what separates the triumphant from thequitters(well,thatandskill).

Toolsyou’llneed:•Plaincanvasdrapes(checkyourlocalbigboxstoreorIKEAtofindtheseon

thecheap.RightnowI’mlovingIKEA’sRitvadrapes.They’renotonlyperfectfor this project, but they’re pretty darn nice solo too—made of a mediumweight, slightly coarse cotton-y canvas which provides a decent amount oflightfilteringwithoutlookingtooheavyanddense.)

•Numerousrollsof1"–2"grosgrain(solidcolored,cotton)ribbon,inthecolorofyourchoosing.Inthisproject,Iuseda2"grosgraintoaddaboldpunchtothedrapes, but I’veused a 1" thickness beforewith verypretty,more subtleresults;sodealer’schoicethere.

•Sewingpins.•Measuringtapeorruler.

•Threadtomatchyourgrosgrainribbon.•Accesstoasewingmachine!•Pinkingsheersorsharpscissors.(I’m like abroken recordabout thesepinking sheers,but really—they’regreat!Theydiscouragetheribbonfromfraying,soyourstitchingwilllastmuchlonger,andsowillyourdrapes.)

IMPORTANT:Beforeyouheadtoyourlocalfabric/craftstoretobuytheribbon,figure out howmuch you’ll need.Youneed at least the lengthof each curtaintimestwo,foreachpanel,plusalittleextra,soifyourcurtainsare84"long,you’llneed≈175"foronepanel,or350"foraset.Youmayalsowanttoplanaheadandbuy your ribbon online. You’ll find a far larger selection of colors availableonline,andwillalsohaveaneasiertimefindinglargequantitiesifyou’redoingmultiplewindows.

*PLANNINGAHEAD: I know you’re gung-ho to get started, but first youmust pre-wash your drapes before you sew the ribbon onto them, even ifthey’re brand new and completely clean. Follow the cleaning instructionsexactly,toensurethatyourdrapesdon’tshrinkupinthewash.

Okay.Nowwecanstart:Ihighlyrecommendstartingbyfindingyourselfanice,big work space. If you don’t have a sprawling dining room table, considermovingyourfurnitureasideanddoingthisprojectonthefloorinordertogiveyourself sufficient space to really spread the drapery panels out flat. Begin bymeasuringouttheribbonforthefirstdraperypanel.Measurethelengthofyourpanel,andthenaddanadditional3"–4"inches,soyoucanfoldtheribbonoverthetopandbottomhemofyourdraperypanel.Soforinstance,ifyourpanelsare84",you’llcutan87"lengthofribbon.

Gettinggoing:Positionyour ribbonwhereyou’d like iton thedrape. Iplacedmyribbonabout1"infromeachverticalhem,onboththeleftandrightsidesofeachpanel,butifyou’relookingforaplacetopinchpennies,youcouldjustdoonelineofribbon,ontheinside-sideofbothpanels.Whileit’snotaseffectiveastworibbons,itwillstillgiveyourdrapesa“pop”athalftheprice,sodon’truleitoutifyourbudgetistightoryourtimeislimited.Onceyou’vedecidedonyourpositioning, start pinning your ribbon in place,measuring frequently tomakesure that you’ve actually got a straight line.When you insert your pins, theyshouldrunparallelwiththeribbon(up-downonthecurtainpanel)sothatwhenyoustartsewing,youcansewalong-sidethepinsratherthandrivingoverthem.Make two rowsofpinsoneach ribbon,one fixing the right sideof the ribbonintoposition,onefixingtheleft.

OhGod.Thehardpart:Ihaveacontentiousrelationshipwithsewingmachines.Istartedmysewinglifeusingareallyjackedupoldermachinethatusedtobreakdown,devourmybobbinthread,andsnapmysewingneedlesperpetually,soI’ve

got a little PTSD at this point. However, if you’re using an even moderatelyfunctional sewing machine, this shouldn’t be a soul-wrenching experience, soI’m crossingmy fingers for you.Once the ribbon is pinned in place, you canjump into sewing.Threadyour sewingmachinewith thematching threadyouboughttomatchyourribbon—makingboththebobbinandtheleadthreadthesamecolor.

Andthenjuststart:Usingyoursewingmachine,sewtwoverticallines,runningparalleluptheveryedgeofeachsideoftheribbon,goingfromtheverybottomtotheverytop.Whenyoustart,foldyourribbonoverthebottomhemofeachpanelandsewitinplaceasyougo,andwhenyougettothetop,foldyourexcessribbon over the top hem and sew that into place too.Once you’ve sewn bothsides of the ribbon completely, you can remove the jillions of pins and you’refinishedwithdraperypanel#1!Nottoobad,right?

And then repeat these steps amillion times . . . So the one bummer is that

you’llhave to repeat thisproject two to four times,perwindow,dependingonhowmanyribbonsyouaffixtoeachdrape,butthesilverliningisthatit’sreallymoretimeconsumingthanitisskill-intensive,andonceyou’refinished—ba-da-bing!You’vegottrulyfantastic lookingdrapesforafractionofthetypicalcost.Onelaststeptosealthedeal:flipyourpanelsoverandirontheribbonandpanelfrom the back side. This will give your drapes a nice, crisp look withoutdamagingorstretchingouttheribbon.Nicework,folks!

Thefinalstep:Unfortunately,finalstepisessentially“repeatallprevioussteps”for each additional drapery panel you need. This can be a playful, butinexpensive way to unify multiple rooms in your home (for example, doingcustompanelswithmatchingribboninyourlivingroomanddiningroom...)

JustDimItSeriouslypeople.Thisshouldbeoneof thefirst thingsyoudowhenyoumoveintoanewhome.IfIwasconsideringanewtattoo,“JustDimIt”wouldbeintherunning—it’sthatserious.AsfarasI’mconcerned,surgicaltheatresanddentist’soffices are prettymuch the only places that wouldn’t benefit from a dimmer.Kitchen:Awesome tohave adimmer.Bathroom:Awesome tohave adimmer.Bedroom:Reallyawesometohaveadimmer.

Thereisnoreasonyoushouldn’tbeabletoeasilycreateinstantmoodlightingeverywhereinyourhome.Thinkaboutwhatit’slikewhenyougotoarestaurant.Not McDonald’s—I mean a real restaurant. With nice napkins. What’s thebathroom like in there?Dim, soft, ambient.Youknowwhy?Because that feelsnice.Youdon’twanttogofromadeliciousdinnerwithfriends,baskingintherelaxedambianceofa“dimlylit”diningroomandthengetassaultedbythefullintensityofa100-wattbulbwhenyouneedtopee.It’sjustnotnice.

However,whenmorningrollsaroundandyou’rebackinthatsamebathroomandyouneed topluck your eyebrows, you’re going to be sohappy you’ve gotthatblaring100-wattbulbtohelpyousee.Andthat,myfriends,iswhyyouneedadimmerswitchinthebathroom.Thiswillcostyouroughlyfifteendollarsandwill be an imperceptible pleasure whenever you’ve got guests, or basicallyanytimeafter5:00p.m.Justdimit.

Nowrollupyoursleevesandlet’sgetcracking!First things first,andthis isaseriousstep.Let’snotelectrocuteourselves. I

can’temphasizethatenough.It’snofunandcanpotentiallykillyou,sostartbyturningoff thepower to your light fixturebygoing to the electricalpanel andswitchingoffthepowertothatroom.Doublecheckthatyou’vedisconnectedthe

powerbyusingavoltage tester tomakesure there isnoelectricity traveling totheswitch.

Unscrewtheoriginalswitchfromthewall,doublecheckthatthepowerisoffwith the voltage tester and thenuse a screwdriver to disconnect the twowiresconnectingthewalltotheswitch.

Nowhere’s the tricky bit:Once you’ve removed the twowires from the oldswitch,you’regoingtoconnectthemtothenewdimmerbyinsertingeachwireinto thedimmerbox.Afteryou’ve securely insertedeachwire,wrap the entireaffairinelectricaltape.IfIweregoingtomakealistofthemostimportantrules

of home improvement, “There’s no such thing as too much electrical tape”wouldmakethetopten.Whenindoubt,electricaltape.

Yourdimmerwillobviouslycomewithdirections,sofollowthosetotheletter,butthegistisasitisdepictedabove:“Disconnecttheoldswitch,connectthenewswitch.Wrap inelectrical tape tomakesureyoudon’tburndownyourhouse.Re-installintowall.Turnpowerbackon.”

How to Change a Light Fixture without ElectrocutingYourself(anImportantDistinction)You’llneed:•Wirestripper/cutter•Drilland/orscrewdriver•Wirenuts•Electricaltape•(Voltagetestertobesupersafe)

Skillsneeded:Low-mediumskill(Comfortwithadrillwouldbeideal,butnotrequired)

Timeneeded:Aboutanhour,probablyless,butgiveyourselfabufferincaseit’strickytogetthenewlightfixtureup.

The most important part of “Not Electrocuting Yourself”—turn off thepower. Locate your electrical circuit panel and then determine which circuitbreaker controls the roomwhereyou’llbeworking.Switch that circuitoff andconfirmthatthelightisnolongerfunctioning.Ifthecircuitsinyourpanelaren’tlabeled, turnon theexisting lightyou’replanning toreplace,and then turnoffthepowertoeachcircuituntilthelightinquestiongoesoff.Leavethepoweroff,andlabelthiscircuitbreakerforfuturereference.(Dothis.Itwill takeyoutwoseconds andnext time you’re changing a light fixture, you’ll know it isn’t thatswitch.)Justtobethorough,turnoffthelight’swallswitchaswell.

Ifyoudon’thaveaccesstoyourelectricalpaneloryou’refeelinglessthansureaboutwhetherthepowerisoff,investaboutfifteendollarsinavoltagetester.I’dliketoemphasizeagaintheimportanceofnotelectrocutingyourselfinpursuitofaniceapartment.Itjustdoesn’tseemworthit.

Time to remove the old fixture: Remove the cover of the old fixture byunscrewing the screws or nuts holding it fixed to the ceiling. Once you’veremovedthecover,you’llbeabletoseethewiresattachingittotheceiling.

HELPFULHINT:Snapaphotoofhowtheoldfixtureisconnectedtothewirescoming from the ceiling with your phone so you can refer to it when you’reconnectingthenewfixture.

Remove the old wire connectors, and then untwist the fixture wires from the

installedwiresintheceiling.It’sprobablysomethingsimpleliketheblackwireisconnected to the black wire and the white to the white. But if you live in anapartmentremotelyasglamorousasourBrooklyntenement,yourapartmenthasseen its fair shareof shady contractors, so youmight find something less thantypicalupthere...

Also,youmayhavetoremovethecrossbarthat’sholdingyouroldfixtureup.I know I’m a broken record, but make sure you keep all of the old screwssomeplaceeasytofind,likeacup,sotheydon’trollawaywhileyou’reinstallingthenew fixture.Becauseyou justneverknow if you’regonnaneed ’em.Like Imentioned, your new fixture may not be compatible with whatever dubiousancient electrical box they stuck up there twenty years ago, so having the oldscrewsmightbethedifferencebetweensuccessandfailure.

Now,checkthestabilityoftheexistingelectricalboxintheceiling.Youmayjustneedtotightenascrewortwotomakeitsecureagain,andit’sdefinitelyworthdoing before you put up your new fixture, only to discover it’s hanging cock-eyed.Andobviouslythere’snopointininstallingthatlovelyantiquefixtureyoujustfoundonCraigslist,onlytohaveitfalltothegroundandshatter.

Thenyouconnectthenewfixture.Ifyou’reinstallinganewin-the-boxfixture,itprobablycamewithinstructions.Readthosetomakesureyouinstallyournewlightfixturecorrectly.Butthegistformostfixtureisthis:

• Installthecrossbar,andthenattachthewhitewirefromyourfixturetothewhitewireintheceiling,thentheblacktotheblack(someolderfixturewiresaren’t color coordinated, so just attach one fixture wire to the white in theceilingandonetotheblack).

•Youmayneedtousethewirestrippertocutyourwirestosize,becauseyoudon’twanttoomuchexcesswireupthereortheceilingcapwon’tfitoverit.Once you’ve cut your wires to the correct length, use the wire cutters toremove a little bit of the rubber insulation and expose about a thumbnail’sworthofbarewire.Holdthetwowiresyouwanttoconnectside-by-side,slipthewirenutoverthem,andthentwistuntil tight.Thencutyourselfaboutafinger’s-lengthof electrical tape to secure the connection (start bywrappingaroundthewireandwindyourwayuptothetipofthenut,sothatthewirenutisfirmlyheldontothewire).

Thisistheshittypart:securethenewbaseorcanopy.Atthispoint,yournewlight fixturewill be sortofdangling from itswires, attached to thewire in theceiling, so you need to have your drill or screwdriver handy, ideally in yourpocket or on top of your ladder. Gently fold the connected wires up into theelectricalboxorintoavoidinthebaseorcanopyandusetheincludedhardwaretoattachthefixturebaseorcanopyontothecrossbarintheelectricalbox.Thiscanbeareallyfussy,frustratingprocess,gettingyournewfixturelinedupwithyouroldelectricalbox.Youcandoit,butyou’regoingtohavetobepatient,andifyoucangetsomeoneelsetosupportthefixturewhileyoufinesseattachingthecap,itwillmakeyourlifeconsiderablyeasier.

Once you’ve got it securely attached, you can screw in a light bulb, flip thebreakerbackonattheelectricalpanel,turnthelightswitchbackonintheroom,and you’re finished! Congratulations. You’ve just installed an electrical fixtureandlivedtotellthetale.

*Just to be clear: It really isn’t that perilous to install a light fixture. Odds ofkillingyourselfdoingithavegottobeprettylow,orI’dbetoastbynow.

What’sinaPillow?Sothefirstquestion:whydoyouneedthrowpillowsatall?Thinkofthemasthelipstickofyour livingroom.Yeah,yourface isokaywithout it,but throwonalittlelipstickandyourfacelooks100percentbetter.(Okay,thisanalogymaynotapplytoeveryonereadingthis,butyougetmydrift.Workwithmehere.HaveyouevertriedtocomeupwithanalogiesthatapplytoEVERYONE?)Thepointbeing—pillows function not only tomake your living roommore comfortableand inviting, but also a punctuation mark—an opportunity to add contrast,layers, anddepth to thedesignofeachroom.DesignersLOVEpillows. I’dputpillows in the bathroom if I could find a reasonable way to do it. They areanother way to add dashes of pattern or color into a room, to extend that“curated feeling” without overwhelming the room with an abundance of thatcolororpattern.Basically,they’rethebest.

Let’s be perfectly clear. The actual filling and SIZE of your pillowsmake a

difference.Tinypillows look like sad forgottenblips in theoceanofyour sofa.Theylookuncomfortableandunwelcoming.Pillowsthataretoobig?Theylooklike bedroom euro shams,misplaced in your living room, overwhelming yoursofa and preventing any potential occupant from leaning back or gettingcomfortable.Sizeiseverything.

Next: Filling. As far as I’m concerned, you should only ever use down &featherfilledpillows.I’marealfascistaboutthis.Honestly,Ibarelycareifyou’reallergic to down. Power through it! Don’t be a whiner. What’s a littlerash/blockedbreathingpassageinthenameofinteriordesign?

If scale isn’t a concept you think you’ve mastered at this point—when indoubt: nothing smaller than 18" unless it’s a really dainty settee (that’s thesameasa loveseat);nothinglargerthan20"unless,Idon’tevenknowwhat,unless it’s a massive deconstructed ten foot sectional sofa (Google “LigneRoset”toseeanexampleofthis.)

But I guess if it’s really going to drive you straight to an inhaler, you couldconsiderahighqualitypolyfill insert.Youcantell thedifferencebetweengoodand bad polyfill because when you squish a good polyfill pillow, it still feelsvaguelydowny.Itcompresses, it’scomfortable,anditdoesn’tfeel likesomeonehasshovedapolyestertracksuitinsideapillowcase.Althoughyouwilldefinitelyfind thatdownorgoodqualitypolyfillpillowsarea littlemoreexpensive thanthecruddystuff, try tobediscriminating. Imean,not if itmeansyoucan’teatdinner tonight, but if you can squeeze out the cash for a couple nicer pillowsfromyour local discount home store (probably twelve dollars a pillow?) you’llthankmeinthelonghaul.

So, the lastquestion is,buy ’emormake ’em?Ifyou’re intheearlystagesofhomeimprovement,youcanprobablystandtobuyyourpillowsatalocalhomestore.TherearesomanyotherDIYprojectstotackle—makeyourlifeeasyandjust buy something readymade. You’ll need to be picky—pillows at discountshops are frequentlymade of garish, tacky fabrics with yucky polyester (tracksuit) filling. But a little patience and hunting usually reveals a couple offun/prettyoptionsthatwillsuityouraesthetic.

Ifyou’re feeling likeyou’re reallynailing thishome improvement thing,andyou’re ready to explore the world of sewing, making your own pillows is anawesomeplace to start. It’s a fairly simpleproject so you can learnhow toget

comfortablewithasewingmachinewithouttearingyourhairout,anditopensupahugeworldoffabricoptionsyouwouldn’tnecessarilyfindataHomeGoods.

The other perk of making your own pillows, if you’ve got the emotionalstabilitytogetitdone,isitallowsyoutocoordinateyourvariousfabricstogetapersonalized,customaestheticyou’renotgoingtoseeatanyoneelse’shouse.Ifyou whip up a couple of pillows and then reupholster an ottoman in a funcomplementaryfabric,you’vereallyuppedyourgamesignificantly.

Stuffyou’llneedtomakeyourownpillows:• Fabric (Usuallyone54"width yard is enough tomakeone20"pillow; and

one-and-halfyardsshouldbeenoughtomaketwo20"pillows.)Thisnumberwillvarysomewhatdependingonhowneurotic/preciseyouwanttobeaboutliningupandcenteringyourpatterns.IwishIwasmorededicatedtothis,butI’musuallymoreconcernedwithmybudget.

• Pillow inserts You can get pillow inserts online, from regular home stores(Bed, Bath, and Beyond!) or you can buy ugly pillows from the TJMaxxclearanceshelf,tossthehideouscovers,andpullthepillowinsertsoutforyourgorgeous custom pillowcases. This will allow you to buy the nicest possibleinsertsforthecheapestpossibleprice.IbetyoucanguesswhereIbuymine.

Therearetwominordownsidestomakingyourownpillows:

1. It will cost a little more than buying readymade. Are you thinking,“What?ButI’mmakingit!”Nope.Customfabriccostsmorethanpillowsthatweremass-producedinTaiwan.Sad,buttrue.

2.Dependingonyoursewingmachine,makingpillowsmightbealittlebitaggravating. I’m probably not supposed to confess this, but about 70percent of the time,my sewing projects start withme, fiveminutes in,either raging or crying. I’m the proud owner of a truly-demonic,eternally-bustedsewingmachinefromhell,andIswearthatalmosteverytime I get thebloody thingout Ihave to rebuild it from the insideout.Mostof the time I eventuallyprevail,butnotbefore I’ve swornoff eversewingagain.Hopefully, ifyou’reat thestagewhereyou’re interested insewing your own pillows, you’ve found a sewingmachine that actuallyfuckingworks,andyou’realreadyinbettershapethanme.ThereasonI’mtellingyouaboutthesetempertantrumsisnottoimpressyou,obviously,but to prepare you. Sewinghas a learning curve (evidently one I’m still

ascending) and it can be incredibly frustrating. But, it can also bemarvelously liberating, because once you’ve gotten comfortable sewing,therearea limitlessnumberofprojectsyoucancompleteyourself.Andthat’swhenyou’llstartsavingyourselfsomemoney.

•Accesstoasewingmachine(ideallywiththecorrectcolorofthread.)•Sewingpins•Needleandthread(alsowithmatchingthread,ideally.)•Pinkingshears(Iknow.Ialwaystellyoutousepinkingshears.It’struethat

scissorsalsocut,butletmereiteratethatwhat’sgreataboutpinkingshearsisthat they help prevent fabric from fraying, which is particularly good withsomething that gets a fair amount of use, like sofa pillows. And because itreally suckswhenyou finally finish sewing somethingand then it falls apartbecauseyoudidn’tusefuckingpinkingshears.Ipromise.)

Okay,Ithinkwe’vetalkedthisthingtodeath.Let’sgetcracking.First, you’ve got to measure out your fabric. I recommend taking the

measurementofyourpillowinsert(let’ssayit’sa20"squareinsert)andaddinganadditional3" to the totalwidthand length.Cut two23"squaresoutofyourfabric.Ifyou’refeelingnut-so,youcantrytolineupthepatternsothatit’sthesame on both sides or if you like, you can try to center your pattern. As Imentioned earlier, I don’t really care about this stuff—it tends to wastemorefabric than it’s worth in my opinion. I haven’t really figured out how/why Iwould lookatbothsidesof thepillowat thesametime,soI’mnot totallysurewhy anyone cares about lining up the pattern, but I’m sure a fancier designerwouldinsistthiswasimportantforsomereason.We’vealreadyestablishedI’malittlelaissez-faire,soifyouwanttobeanal,beanal.Nojudgementhere.

Onceyou’vecutyourtwo23"squares,it’stimetopinthepillow.You’regoingtopinthepillowtocreateaborderto followwithyoursewingmachine,so it’simportantthatthelinesyoupinarefairlystraight,andthecorrectmeasurement,oryou’llendupwithsomeweirdtrapezoidalpillowandyou’llbereallybummedout.

What you’re aiming to do ismake your actual pillow about 1" smaller thanyourinsert(thiswillmakeitlookfullandfluffy)soonceyou’vecutyourfabricintotwo23"squares,you’regoingtopinthetwopiecestogether(withthefrontsideofthefabricfacinginonbothsides),tomakea19"squarewithyourpins.Thisshouldleaveyouabout2"oneitheredge.Whenyou’reputtingthepinsin,youshouldputtheminperpendiculartotheedgeofthefabric,sowhenyousewwithyourmachine,you’rerunningthemachineparalleltotheheadofthepins,notoverthem.IforgetthiseverytimewhenI’mpinning,andthenhavetoyankthemoutasIgo.Donotfollowthisexample.

Perpendicular!Perpendicular!Perpendicular!

Nowforthereallyhardpart:Sewing.Or,nowfortheeasy-breezypartbecauseyouownamodernsewingmachine

whichactuallydoeswhatyoutellitto.(Ihateyou.)Ifyou’refamiliarwithsewing,youprobablyknowwhatyou’redoingandyou

cantakeit fromhere.If this isyourfirstdancewithsewing,Irecommendthatyoustartabout4"infromtheleftbottomedge.Positionthefabricinyoursewingmachinesothatyouheadtowardtheleftedge,followingthepins.Dependingonyour school of thought, you should start by running the sewingmachine backand forth a couple of times right at the beginning, so your stitching doesn’tunravel,butthatmightbeatrickmymomtaughtmethatisn’thowtheprosdoit(butitworks).

Now carry on sewing toward the left edge, and when you get past yourperpendicular line of pins, hang a tight right turn (clockwise?) and startfollowingyourpins(paralleltotheedge)towardthenextcornerabove.Ifyou’vedonewhatI’vejustdescribed,youshouldhavesewedacapitalL-shapebasically.Onceyougettothenextcornerofyourpins,makeanotherrightturn,andheadacrossthetopofthelineofpins.Ifallisgoingaccordingtoplan,youshouldbemakingacapitalC-shapeatthispoint.Whenyougettothenextcornerofpins,take another tight right and head down the right side of the pillow. At thebottom,takeafinalrightturnandheadtowardtheshortstitchesyoumadewhenyoustarted.Again,goabout4" infromtheedgeof thefabricandstop.Dotheback-and-forthstitchingagainsothislastlegwon’tunravel.

If you’ve followed my instructions correctly (or more specifically, if I’vewrittenmy instructions correctly) you should have stitched an openO-shape,withabout15"ofun-stitchedfabricbetweenthetwoshortsidesonthebottom.

Nowremoveyourfabricfromthesewingmachine.Usingyourpinkingshears,trimbacktheexcessfabricontheoutsideofyoursewingline.Don’tcutittootooshortoryouruntheriskofitfraying(yes,eventhoughyouusedpinkingshears!)buttrimitbacksothere’sabout½"offabricontheoutsideoftheentire(open)squareyousewed.

Now turn your pillow case right-side out, so the pattern is showing on theoutside.Stickyourfingersintothepocketyou’vemadeandpushthecornersout,soyougetnicesharpcornersonallfoursides.Ifyouneedtotakeanirontoyourpillowcasebecauseit’slookingalittlerumpled,now’sthemoment,becauseonceit’sgotapillowinsertinit,it’llbeaheckofalothardertoiron.

Nowforthemostchallengingpart:You’vegottoramyourpillowinsertintothe15"openingyouleftun-sewn.Irecommendrollingthepillowup,kindoflikeit’sanewspaperoraburrito,andthenfeedingit,skinnyways,intotheopening,butdowhateveryou’vegottodotogetitintherewithoutrippingyouropeninglarger. Try to go gently as you do this because it’s best if you don’t rip yourstitchingopen.

Onceyou’vegot the insert in there, stickyourhand inside thepillowcase tomakesure that thecornersof the insertare tuckedup into thecornersofyour

pillowcase.Andnowit’stimetosealherup.

Take the two remaining flaps of the pillow case and fold them inside thepillowcase so they’re in linewith the seam you stitched. If you need to, use acouple of sewing pins to keep the flaps inside the pillowwhile you’re sewing.Now, using your needle and thread, you’re going to sew this little flap closed.You can use a couple of different stitching methods—you can use tiny littlestitchesthatarehardtoseebutalittlebittedious,orsomethingcalleda“LadderStitch”whichisanothergreatwaytomakeyourseaminvisible.Ifyoudecidetogodownthatroad,I’drecommendgooglingitforspecificinstructions,becausemewritingthemoutforyouisgoingtomakebothofuscrazy.

Andthat’sit!Youjustmadeyourveryownpillow.TohellwithHomeGoods!Yougotthis.

WhattoHang,HowtoHangIt,andWheretoHangYourArtwork(SuchThatItIs)inGeneralOneistheloneliestnumberthatyou’lleverdo...Unlessyou’vegotbigart.

Thereareacoupleofimportantaspectstohangingartwork:•where?•howbig?•howhigh?•howmany?

Andoften,theanswertoallofthosequestionsisfoundbylookingatthesizeofthe piece. Mastering the concept of scale can be the clearest, easiest way todeterminewhere, how high, and howmany. Tiny art over big furniture lookslonely,basicallylikeyouranoutofmoneybythetimeyougotaroundtobuyingartwork. But big furniture with nothing above it looks pretty lonely too, soideally, you’d find a solution in the middle—either grouping a collection ofsmallerart,orshellingoutforsomethingalittlelessdinky—maybeaimfora24"

x36"orevenlargerifyoucanaffordit(andfitit.)

Obviousplacesyoushouldbehangingartwork:•aboveyoursofa•aboveyourbed•overyoursideboardordiningroomcredenza•aboveyourdresser

Ifyou’vegotalimitedamountofart,focusyourresourcesontheplacesthatarethemostglaringlyempty.Ratherthanspreadyourcollectionoftinyartworkthroughout your apartment, which basically makes each piece feel like a tinyislandinaseaofwall,clusteryoursmallpiecestogether—thesumofthepieceswill read likeone largerpieceandwilloccupy thewallmorecomfortably thandribbling them around your apartment, like tragic little splashes. This justhighlightsyourshortageofartwork.(Flipaheadtopage133formorehints.)

Placesyoushouldn’thangartwork:•aboveyourTV• generallyaroundyourTVunlessyou’vegota strongplan foragallerywall

whichwill incorporate yourTV, or if thewall is large enough that you canhangsomethingsubstantialnearit.

HowHigh?I liketohangmyartworka littlehigh,probablybecauseI’ma littletallerthantheaveragelass.Itendtoplacethecenteroftheframeabout12"belowmyeyelevel,soforme,that’sabout4'6"forthecenter.Obviouslythisisdictatedlargelybythesizeoftheframe,butifwe’retalkingmediumsized(say24"x36"),Iwouldhang it so the topwillbe5'6"off theground.This is also influencedbywhat’sbelow it, so don’t quote me as saying there is one “right height” for art—it’sdictatedbysomanyotherfactors—thesize,what’sbelowitandaroundit,whatroomit’sin.

It’snotassimpleas“alwayshangsomethingthishigh”—that’srubbish.That’slike saying “Only ever buy an 84" sofa.”Without knowing your art and yourspace,Icanonlygiverecommendations.I“recommend”thatyoudon’thangasingularpieceoftinyartaboveyoursofa.I“recommend”youdon’tspreadyourartwork likeminiscule forgotten islands all over your home if you don’t havemuch of a collection. If you haven’t yet collected much artwork, try

concentratingyourartcollectioninonespace—ideallythemostpublicspaceinyourhome.I’dratherseeyourlivingroomfeelcompleteandletyourbedroomfeelalittlesparseforthetimebeing,becauseA)Yourbedroomshouldbeamoreserene,restful,zen(a.k.a.empty)placeanyway.AndB)Yourvisitorsshouldn’tbe nosing around your bedroom anyway. Unless you want them in yourbedroom.Inwhichcase,theyshouldn’tbelookingattheart!

Whattohang?Okay,thisisatrickyone,becauseI’vealreadyspentpagescampaigningagainsthangingjustanyol’crapuponyourwalls.AndobviouslyyouknowhowIfeelabouttackingshitupwithpushpins(DONOTDOIT).Butatthesametime,Idon’twant you to psych yourself outwhen I use theword “artwork.” I’mnottalkingaboutvaluable,ormuseumquality,I’mtalking“stuffyoulike,inframesyouputonwalls.”Oddsaregoodifyou’rereadingthisbook,you’reasolidfive-ten years fromowning truly valuable artwork, but for the loveofPete, pleasedon’t wait until then to hang anything up. The kind of artwork we’re talkingabout here can be found anywhere—scour flea markets and yard sales, trollCraigslist and Etsy, visit holiday art markets and burgeoning coffee shopgalleries.Askfriendstomakeyoupieces,framethingsthataren’ttraditionallyart—street signs or your grandfather’s army cap. Put ’em in a deeper frame, andhangitup!Youshouldbelookingfor/shoppingforpiecesthatresonatewithyou—piecesthatfillyouwithsomethingwhenyoulookatthem,becauseyou’retheone who is going to be looking at them most. If there’s one thing I woulddiscourageyoufrombuying—itwouldbemuseumposters.Iknow.I’msorry,it’sdisappointing. They’re cheap, they’re big. But take it from someone who hasprofessionallyhungup SOMANYpeoples’ artwork—they just don’t holdup.Theyyellow,theydate.Andsuddenlyyou’vejustgotthiscrappyoldposter—andIdon’tmean“crappyold=vintage,”Ijustmeanpoorquality/obsolete.Andit’snot like anyone looks at those posters when they’re hanging in someone’sapartmentandthinks,“Wow.That’ssoexotic.HesawVanGoghattheMetlastyear.”Alongwiththousandsuponthousandsofotherpeople...Comeon.Youcandobetterthanthat.

HowtoHangaGalleryWall

TakeadvantageofIKEAframestomakeitthebestthatitcanbe.

If youalreadyknowyouwant tohangagallerywall, youcan skipover all thechit-chat,andgostraighttothepartwhereItalkabouthowtoframeit,howtohangit,andwhattoframe.However—youmightnotevenknowwhyyou’dwanttohangagallerywall.Basicallytheideabehindthegallerywallisitallowsyoutodisplayawidevarietyof“art”(a looseterm)inawaythat feelspurposefulandcurated.

Thisisnotgoingtobeapoliticallycorrectsegment,soifyou’reeasilyruffled,and/orfirmlybelievemenandwomenarecreatedequalonallthings,youshouldprobablyskipforwardtothenextsection.You’renotgoingto likewhatyou’reabout to readhere.Your sensibilitieswillbeoffended.Andyep,we’re still justtalking about hanging a gallerywall.Nothingmore ideologically charged thanthat.Withnofurtherintroduction,let’sjumpin:

WhenImetmynow-husband,hewasjustayoungbuck.Hisbedwasunmade,his surfaceswere litteredwith40oz.bottles,andhiswallswerecoveredwithawidearrayofposters,articleshe’dcutout,andwittythingshe’daccrued:aMetssnowhat, apieceof a taxi sign, a tollbag from the subway in thenineties . . .Clearlyhewasacatch.

If,atthatmoment,IhadsuggestedheheadtothenearestIKEAtoframeallofhisassorted“artwork,”inordertocreateaunified,aestheticallypleasing(whilestill intellectually stimulating) gallerywall, I probablywould have been shownthe door. And to be honest, I left him to his own devices when it came todesigninghispersonal space formanyyears.Butwhenwedecided tomove intogether,Iputmyfootdown.Gently,butfirmly.BecausewhileIwasunwillingto live in aworld surroundedbybeer bottles, I alsowasn’t trying to crushhisautonomyorforcehimtoliveinaworldofpalepinksandseafoamgreens.Ijustwantedtotakehisstyleandfindawaytomelditwithmystyle.SoIheadedtothe local craft store and bought a dozen black frames, all different sizes, someslightly different than others, and I framed all of his witty tchotchkes and“hilarious”articles.Histaxisigngotaframe,histollbaggotaframe,thephotoof himwith “his boys” got a frame . . . And then I hung them all up kind ofhelter-skelter along onewall, and ba-da-bing! Future-husband–friendly gallerywall.Hiscontents+mystyle=harmonyathome.

I’msorryifI’munderestimatingthemalepopulation,andworse—Iapologizetomy husband if I’m underestimating him—but I just don’t thinkmostmenunder forty give a shit about how their stuff is framed, or if it’s framed at all.Hopefully they feel a littlemore invested in their surroundings if they’ve beenreading this book. Maybe they really will realize the transformative power of

putting everything in a frame, but odds are good, ladies, this responsibility isgoing to fall to you.Andnot just for your romantic interests—you’ll probablyneedtostepinforyourbrothersandsinglefriendstoo.I’msorryifyoudon’tlikeit,butthecoldhardtruthisthevastmajorityofmenjustdon’tcareaboutthiskind of home decorating minutia, but it can make the difference betweendesignedanddormroom,soitshouldn’tbeoverlooked.You’lljusthavetotakecharge.Orgivegoodinstructions.*

There are a couple ofways todo a gallerywall.Okay, there a couplehundredwaystodoagallerywall,butifyou’relookingforasurething,it’sbettertolimitittoafew:

Option1:Unifyingmodernframeswithawidevarietyofcontents.Thiscanbetheperfectsolutionforacaseof“BoyWall.”Option 2: Assorted, related eclectic frames with a common element (manydifferent styles and textures, all make in gold guild, or all green, or all blackcarvedwood,orwhatever).Ifyourframesarevaried,Irecommendunifyingthe

contentswithatheme:maps,fruit,horses,vintageadvertisements.Option 3: Combination of option one or two, with the addition of unframedtextural/sculpturalpieces—likedecorativeplates,jewelry,collectedfabric,etc.

To be clear, option three is definitely the most challenging version of thegallerywall,becauseitrequiresacarefulbalanceofframesandtchotchkes,hung“just so,” so that ithasacuratedairabout it, rather thana“randomshithungtogetheronawall”airaboutit.

Andnowtodiscusscontents:WithOption 1, you have an opportunity to really play around. By framing

everythingwiththesameorsimilarframes,itallowsyoutoexploreavarietyofmediums and textures without sacrificing a purposeful “designed” aesthetic.Consider incorporating photographs, sketches, paintings of all varieties (oils,watercolors, abstract and realism, youname it).You can even frameobjects—braceletsorbadgesorwhateverelseyoufindmeaningfulorinteresting—andthevery presence of the unifying frame will elevate your situation drastically.Basicallyit’stakingthesamecrapyourboyfriendpinnedonthewallusingtapeandpushpins,andreorganizing it so that itcreatesacuratedwall, rather thanlookinglikeawallwheretrashhasblownandgottenstuck.Whichisprettymuchwhatitlookedlikebefore,tobehonest.

Ifyou’repursuingamoreeclecticgallerywall,it’sidealifyoucanfindpiecesofvaryingsizesandorientationstoreallymakeyourgallerywallsing.Startwithafocalpoint—aprimarylargerpiece,andthenfillinwithadditionalpiecesthatrunhorizontally,vertically, small-medium-weirdshaped.Allof thisvarietycanaddcharismatoyourgallerywall.

If you’re aiming for something a littlemoremodern, consider stream-linedframes in just a few sizes, all the same finish. This will help quiet the variedcontents so that your gallery wall feels contemporary and clean, but alsopersonalized.

Forhanging:Let’sbeclear.Hangingagallerywall isabitch.Itwillrequireagood amount of forethought, a significant amount of measuring, and/or alaissez-faireattitudeandalittlespackleinthecaseofemergencies.

Ihighly recommend layingoutyourgallerywallon the floor first, and thentaking detailed photographs of your layout before you start hanging. Aim tomakethespacingbetweeneachrelativelyequal.Dependingonhowanalyouare,youcandriveyourselfbonkerswiththis,oreye-ballit,asyouwish.

The size of your pieces will likely dictate the spacing between each of yourpieces.Ifyourcollectionispredominantlylargeformat,you’llprobablywantat

least3"–4"betweeneachpiece.Ifit’sarangeofsizes,Iwouldn’tdomuchmorethan that between each piece. The idea is to give each piece a little space tobreathe,withoutleavingitsofarfromtheotherpiecesthatitseemslikeyou:

A.Didn’thaveenougharttofillyourwall.B.Arereallybadathangingart.C.Forgotaboutthatpieceandthenaddeditatthelastminute.

Aboutorientation:Again, this is slightly specific to the style of gallery wall you’re designing. Ifyou’regoingwithamorecontemporary,tidygallerywall,yourframesmayallberelativelysimilar,andthatwilllimityourplaywithorientation.

However,ifyou’regoingforamoreeclecticaesthetic(that’swhatwe’recallingyour boyfriend’s collection of bar coasters from every state and the onionhoroscopeshe’scutoutforthelastdecade)thenyou’vegotalittlemorewiggleroomwiththedirectionandlayoutofyourgallerywall.I’dstillstartbychoosinga primary piece, and hanging that fairly off-center from the middle of yourgallery space. This is because you don’t want thatmain piece to look like thecenterof thesun,withall thesmallerpieces radiatingoffof it likecheery littlesunbeams(Godforbid).Sobyplacingyourlargestpieceoffcenter,youcanthenstacktwomediumsizedpiecestotheleftorrightofthatpiece,andcollectively,thosethreepiecesbecomeyour“center.”Fromthere,buildout.Ideally,I’dplaceapiecerunningverticallytotherightofthestackedhorizontals,probablyalittlehigherorlowerthanthem,andthencontinuebuildingout,addingvaryingsizesofbig,mediumandsmall; thoughnoother“big”piecewillbe larger than thatfirstbigpieceyouhung,oryourwholeoutfitwillstarttofeeloff-kilter.

Like I said, hanging a gallerywall is a bitch.And now that you’ve read the“HowTo,”I’msureyoucanseethebenefitsoflayingitonthefloorratherthanjustgoingfull-speedintohangingwithoutaplan.

*oryoucouldtrythe“Don’tbeacliché”tactic,andhandthischaptertothemaninyourlifeandtellhimtoseizetheday.Iguessit’saquestionofprinciplevs.thepathofleastresistance.AndnowyouknowwhatschoolIbelongto.

Howtomakethemostofyourart:framinglikeapro,payinglikeanamateur.

IKEA, IKEA, IKEA. I can’t stress this enough. Target has some good options,yourlocalartsandcraftsstorewilllikelyhaveasolidselection,butifyou’vegot

anIKEAanywherenearyou,that’syourjoint!

First:They’vegotamilliondifferentsizesofthesamestyleframe,whichmakesunifyingyourgallerywallsignificantlyeasier.

Second:Alloftheirframescomeswithadecentlookingmatting.Doyouknowtheprimarydifferencebetweenthatcrapplasticframeyouusedtohaveforyourposters and something that looks professionally framed? Okay, quality is anobviousfactor,butthebiggestdifference inmybookis thematting.Amattingmakes your otherwise cheap art look like the frame actually fits the art workproperly.Professional,even.

Third: Their frames are cheap. Like so cheap.And if you go there and think,“Thisisexpensive,”gogetaquoteforaprofessionally-madecustomframeandthenwecantalkaboutexpensive.Youdon’tknowfromexpensiveuntilyougetacustomframe.

Fourth: They will continue to carry this same line of frames until long afteryou’redead,whichisgreatbecauseyou’llbeabletocontinuetoaddtoyourartcollectionandgallerywallandnothavetoreframeeverythingwhenyouwanttoswapout that f-ingonion article for an actual pieceof artwork.Granted, youwon’t be able to take advantage of this once you’re dead, but until then, it’s amajorplus.

ReplacingYourDoorKnobsBelieveitornot,thiscanbeatrulytransformative(thoughmoderatelyboring),fairlyeasyhomeimprovementproject.I’mnotsuggestingyouchangethedoorknobsinyourrental-hovelifyou’vegothighhopesthatyou’llbemovingontocleanerpasturestwelvemonthsfromnow.Butifyou’reinitforthelonghaul—crapapartmentinagreatlocation;longtermlease;firsttimehomeownership... then this is absolutely aprojectworthdoing.Youmaynothavenoticedhowcruddy your door hardware is up until now, but now that you’re looking—chancesaregoodyou’lldiscoverthoseplastic-y,flimsybrightgoldbuggersareallover your apartment. For reasons unknown (most likely because they’re thecheapestversion)thisfeeblehardwareisafavoriteamongslumlordsandshittyreal estate developers alike, and unlike cheap paint or hideously-shiny woodfloors,thedoorhandlesdon’tgetreplacedeverytimeanewtenantmovesin,sonotonlyaretheypoorlymadeandlousyquality,they’realsoprobablyfromtheearly nineties, and have been handled by hundreds of people since they wereinstalled. Themechanisms are loose, the screws holding it in place are looser,andthere’sprobablytenyearsofstraypaintaroundtheedge.

For about tendollars adoor, you can easily swap theseout for something alittle more . . . purposeful. I’m not saying install ninety-five-dollar glass-ball-brass-rosette handles that will knock your socks off. I’m like forty years frombeingable toaffordaninety-five-dollardoorhandle.But,youcanbuyasubtleimprovement—anunderstatedbrushedsteelthatsays“Nothing.”Itdoesn’tsing“I’minthemoney,”butitalsodoesn’tannounce,“Thisisabug-infestedmotel!”and that’s just the kind of message (or lack thereof) that we’re after for thisproject.

So—nowyouknow“why,”let’sdiscuss“how:”Startbyremovingoneofyourexistingdoorhandles.Youshouldfindthatone

sidehasapairofscrewswhicharekeepingitattachedtothedoor.Removethosescrews, and thenpulloff thehandles.Usuallyonceyou remove those first twoscrews, everything else comes off fairly easily. Now, presumably, you’ve got afairlytypicaldoorhandlesituation,whichmeansthatonceyou’veremovedthe

handle, you’ll be left with a hole going right the way through your door, andanotherholethatbisectsthefirstone-goingleft-to-righttowardthedoorframe.

My recommendationwould be to take your removed door hardware to thehardware store, tomake sure you’re buying a replacement handle that will fitwithout requiring additionalmodification.Count the number of door handlesyouneedbeforeyouleave,andmakesureyoutakenoteofwhichhandlesshouldbelockingandwhichoneswillbe“passagehandles,”whichmeansturning,butnotlocking.

Onewordofadvice:Beforeyoubuydozensofdoorhandles,takeamomenttothinkback to thedoorhandles you’venoticed in thepast.Hard to remember,right? That’s because a “good door handle” doesn’t need to make a strongimpression. So when you’re shopping for your new handles, I discourage youfromgravitatingtosomethingthat’s“quirky”or“exciting.”Unlessyou’rereadyto throw down some real money on this hardware, your best bet is choosingsomethingunderstatedandarchitecturalratherthansomethingthatstandsout.Thinkaboutitlikethis:ifsomeoneputthehandleinyourhandle,wouldyousay,“This feels sturdy andwellmade” orwould you say, “Wow! I’ve never seen ahandle like this.”Save thekookyhandle for theextravagant renovationyoudoonyourtownhousewhenyou’reanidiosyncratic,butlovablemillionaireinyourfifties.

Now that you’ve picked your handle hardware, follow the instructionsprovidedwiththehardwareandba-da-bing!RepeatinstallationstepsonALLofyour doors (closets included) tomake a cohesive, modernized transformationthroughoutyourhome.Thispart is tedious,but if you thinkabouthowmanytimesyou’regoingtousethosehandlesoverthenextyear,orfiveyears,orten—suddenlyitseemsworthit.

How to Trick Your Space into Feeling Larger andBrighterIknowI’mabrokenrecordonthisone,butthenumberonemosteffectivewaytomakeyourspacefeelbrighterandlarger is . . .Say itwithme:Putyourshitaway!Nothingdiminishesasenseofspaciousnesslikedisorder.Nothingdetractsfromnaturallightandbrightnesslikepilesofjunk,needlesslyinterruptingeverysight line in your space. I can’t emphasize this enough—PUT YOUR SHITAWAY.

Okay.Nowlet’s imaginethateverythingisshipshape.Everythingin itsplaceand a place for everything. You are the pinnacle of organization, but yourapartmentstillfeelsdrearyandairless.Whattodo?

First,let’sfocusonyourlighting.Andspecificallyyourlightbulbs.Assumingwe’reworkingwithgenericoverheadlightfixtures(seepage120forinstructionsonhow to swapout thosemonstrosities),mypersonalbulbpreference is for adimmable 100-watt “warmwhite” bulb.Dimmable so thatwhenwe’re seekingambiancewe can lower it to a flattering 40watts, but bright enough that youdon’tfeellikeyoureyesaremalfunctioningduringtheday.Let’scouplethis100-wattlightbulboverheadwithapairofaccentlamps—youknowbestifyouneedtable lamps(tobepositionedonyourend tablesordiningroomconsole)or ifyouneedastandingfloorlampbecauseyoujustdon’thaveanappropriateplacetoputatablelamp.Theideahereisthatyouwanttobeablemakeyourroomasbrightaspossibleforthosedayswhenyouwantcrispclearlighting,buthavetheversatilitytomakethespacefeelmoreromanticwhenthat’spreferable.Havingadimmable overhead fixture and a couple of supplementary lights is a sure-firewaytomakeyourspacefeeldesirablybrightwhenneeded,withoutmakingitfeellikeaninterrogationroomwhenit’snot.

Now that our lighting is doing its best to improve the situation, let’s talkabout a couple of other handy tricks to create a false sense of spaciousnessandbrightness:•Bigart•Bigmirrors•Neutralspacesandneutralcolors•Scale-appropriatelightfixtures•Well-positionedwindowtreatments

•Bigartcanbeaterrificwaytomakeyourspacefeellargerandmoreairy.Itattractstheeyetoitbymakingabold,excitingstatement,anddistractsfromthelesswonderfulattributesofyour space (a.k.a. a lackofnatural light).Combinelargeartworkwithwideexpansesofopenwallspacetoallowthebigarttoreallypopandgrabyour attention. If youhave lowceilings,don’t try to rambig artover your sofa—instead let it occupy a wall where it can hang uninterruptedfromfloortoceilingtogiveitthemostdramaticeffect.Anddon’tthinkthatjustbecause art is bigmeans ithas tobe expensive.You canpickupa largeblank

canvas at your local art store and for about fifty dollars for the canvas andsupplies, you can whip out some of your very own “Abstract Art.” I’m notkidding.Justdoanimagesearchfor“AbstractArt”onGoogleandtakeacrackatchanneling your inner Rothko. I’m not saying it’s going to end up beingmuseum-worthy,but it’sdefinitelygoing tobebetter than thatdog-earedPulpFictionposteryouhadincollege.Andyoudon’thavetotellanyoneyoupaintedit.Justsayyoufounditatanantiquestoreandthatwillgiveitinstantcredibility.

But ifhomemadeart isn’t in the cards, consider searchingonlineor at yourlocalarchitecturalsalvageyardforabigpieceofarchitecturalmolding—evenacoupleofbigwindowsmakeabold,brightstatement—andareanotherfunwaytotrickyourspaceintofeelingmoreairythanitreallyis.Artdoesn’thavetobeart in the traditional senseof “painting ina frame.” It canbe sculptural, likeapieceofarchitecturalsalvage;oraclusteringofsimilarobjects,likeacollectionofsilver trays—heck!Youcanevenhanga textileorasmallarearugandcall ita“wallhanging.”Theideaistomakeaboldimpact,andthenallowtheadjoiningspacestobealittlemorequiet.

•Bigmirrors.Gottolovethem.Theyreflectthenaturallightyoudohave,theydoublethesenseofspaceintheroom—there’sreallynothingnottolike,unlessyou really hate your own reflection. The same notes on Big Art apply to BigMirrors. Basically there’s no such thing as too big when it comes tomirrors.Absolutelyputahugeover-scalemirroraboveaconsoleoroveryoursofa,andyoucanevenbemoredaringwithmirrors thanyouwouldwithartwork.Oneexample:runmirrorsfromfloortoceilingandwalltowall—andthenputyoursofainfrontofitifyouwant.I’mnotsayingthatthisisaninexpensiveORsubtleidea,butmypointisthatifyoudecoratethoughtfullywithandaroundmirrors,prettymuchanythinggoes.Andjustsowe’reclear:Don’tthinkyou’vegottobuya nine-hundred-dollar mirror from Restoration Hardware to make this work.One of my favorite mirrors is a heavily framed mirror from IKEA, which Ipaintedtolooklikeitwaspartofthearchitectureofourapartment.Thewholethingcostabouteightydollarsandpeoplecommentoniteverytimetheycomeinmyhome.Craigslistandyourlocalarchitecturalsalvagesupplycanalsobeaterrific place to hunt for less expensive, more spectacular mirrors—and don’tunderestimatetheimpactofrepaintingtheframetomakeitmoreeffective.

•Neutralsurfacesandneutralcolors:Thegeneralpoweroftheneutralsurfacehasalreadybeendiscussedindepth,butwhentalkingaboutimprovingasenseof

light and spaciousness, the impact ofneutral surfaces is resounding.There aretworeasonsforthis.Thefirstisobvious—thatalesscrowded,lessclutteredspacewillfeelmoreopen—whichIknowI’vealreadycovered.Butthesecondaffectisthatthoseneutralopenspacesalsoallowyourmoredramaticmomentstoreallypop!YourBigArtwon’tlookasboldorspectacularifit’ssurroundedbydozensof other little pictures. Let it hang on a wall alone so it can really dazzle theviewer.Likewise,employingacoupleofneutralsurfaces(neutralcarpet,neutralwallcolor)canhavethesameimpact—it’slikethePilatesofhomedesign—itwilllengthenandstrengthenyourspaceandallowyourstrategicallychosenaccentstoshineratherthancrouch.Whenyou’redesigningforasmallerspace,tryandthinkabouthoweachsurfaceisgoingtoflowintothenext.Ideally,themajorityofyoursurfaceswillblendsubtlyfromonematerialintothenext,withmomentsofexcitementtoenlivenratherthanoverwhelmthespace.Iknowthatmightfeela little bland, and I know you hate it when I say stuff like this, but try torememberthat“bare isbrighterthanbusy.”Iknow.It’ssoboring.But it’salsoundeniablytrue,sosuckitup.

Thesameapplieswhenwe’retalkingaboutacolorpaletteforsmallerspaces.Iknow it’s fun to paint wild, daring colors, but if what you’re trying to do isimproveasenseofbrightnessandairinessinasmall,dimapartment,darkboldcolors are not your friend. Consider lights and whites, and if you’ve got thestamina(andpermissionfromyourlandlord)youcouldevenconsiderpaintingyour floorswhite,oranotherbright, lightcolor thatcomplementsyourwalls. Iknowthisalsofeelsboring,butitaccomplishesthesamethingyouachievewhenyouleavesomeofyourwallsbare—yourwalls,ceiling,andfloorsflowintoeachotherandthedefinitionofceilingheightandspaciousnessbecomesmuchmorevague.

•Choosing appropriate light fixtures tomake your space feel brighter: I’vealreadytalkedaboutbetterlightbulbs,andinadifferentchapterwetalkedaboutreplacing those generic soulless light fixtures that look like boringnipples, butwhatI’mtalkingabouthereischoosinglightfixturesthatareappropriateinscaleto the space—with the goal of maximizing your sense of brightness andspaciousnesswithoutmakingthespacefeeloverwhelmedbythefixture.Thekeyhereisnothangingalightfixturetoolow.Havingtoduckanotheralightfixture,orworse,aceilingfan,isaguaranteedwaytodecimatethesenseofspaciousnessinyourhome.Iknowit’sdisappointingbecausetherearesomanyawesomeandinexpensive pendant lights available (IKEA and Lowes both have awesome

selectionsthesedays!)butreservethosetohangoveryourdiningtableorifyoumust, over your bed, but not dangling in themiddle of your living room foreveryone to walk around. That’s awkward and ugly. And even if it doesn’tactuallypreventsomeonefromwalkingunderneathit,ifitlookslikeit’stoolowfromadistance,it’sstilltoolow.Hangingafixturethat’stoobigforyourspacewillonlyemphasizethelackofheightyou’vegotinyourapartment,soifyou’vegottoresignyourselftoflush-mountfixtures,doit,butdon’ttrytotrickyourselfintobelievingsomethingisworkingwhenit’sclearlynot.

•Well-positionedwindowtreatments:Howyouhangyourwindowtreatmentscanalsohaveahugeimpactonthesenseoflightandspaceinyourhome.Ifyouhang drapes or shadeswithin thewindowopening, you’re inherently blockingalmost a third of yourwindowwith the drapes themselves, evenwhen they’repulledopen.Ifyoucanaffordto,theoptimalwaytohangyourdrapeswouldbeasclosetotheceilingaspossible,approximately6"totheleftandrightsidesofthewindowmolding, so that yourdrapes,when they’repulledback, cover thesidemoldingsofyourwindows,alongwith6"ofwalltotheleftandrightofthewindow,butdon’tactuallyblockanyofthewindowitself.Hangingthedrapessoclosetotheceilingwilldrawtheeyeupwardandelongateeachofthewindowssotheylookmoregraciousandgrand.Ifyoucan’tspendthatmuchmoneyonyourwindowtreatments,considerinstallingthehardwareintothefaceofthewindowmoldingsinsteadofinsidethewindowrecess,andtheninstalltiebackhardwareinto the left and right window moldings to keep your drapes pulled back,allowingasmuchnaturallightinaspossible,withoutbreakingthebank.

Okay, now that we’ve covered these tricks, can you identify the commonthemehere?At theheartof all of these tips, I’mbasically just sayingover andover, “Open. Open. Open.” Bright colors = open. No clutter = open. Neutralspaces=open.Windowtreatmentshighandwide=open.Wellpositionedlightfixtures=open.Bigmirrorsandbigart,surroundedbyemptywalls=open.

So yeah. The best way to maximize your space is to improve the sense ofopennessineverypossibleway.

What’stheTrick?FindingTimeforTheseProjects(withoutLosingYour

Job,Friends,orFamily)

Seriously, how does one find time to work all day, pursue meaningful (ormeaningless) sexual and platonic relationships, stay current with Game ofThrones,andstillhave timeforhomeimprovement?Whenyouwrite itout, itseems almost impossible.And yet . . . I assure you it can be done.Don’t be awhiner.I’vegotathree-year-old,afull-timejob,aseeminglyendlessfamily-tree,ahusbandwho’stryingtoopenarestaurant,andareallyolddog.IfIcansqueezeitin,youcantoo.

Balance isvital.Anddon’tunderestimate thepowerofmulti-tasking.You’reright. You can not be in a bar and repainting your kitchen cabinetssimultaneously. But you can listen to a pod-cast while you’re painting yourcabinetsandthenhavesomethingmildlyinterestingtotalkaboutthenexttimeyou’reinabar.Also,onceyou’vepaintedyourcabinets,that’sdone.It’snotlikegoingtothegym.Youdon’thavetokeepgoinginordertoseetheresults.Youjustpaint them, let themdry,andthenmoveonwithyour life.Thatapplies tolike, three-quarters of these projects.Once they’re done, they’re done.Yes, I’dreallylikeitifyoumadeyourbedeverymorning,buthonestly,ittakesliketwominutes. I’m pretty sure those two minutes aren’t standing between you andyourdreamcareer/dreampartner/dreambody.AndlikeImentionedearlier,thesooneryouputthesesystemsinplace,thesooneryoudecidewhereyourdishesaregoing,thefasteritwillbetokeepyourcabinetsorganized.Ifyouwashyourdisheswhenyouuse them, itactually takesyou less time towash themthan itdoesifyouletthempileupintoafetid,food-cakedheapforaweek.Ifyou’djustwashed that eggoff onSunday, youwouldn’t beusing a chisel to get it off onWednesday.Ifyou justhungupyourclothesorput theminthehamperwhenyou took them off, you wouldn’t need to devote twenty minutes to sortingthroughthemandhangingthemallupatonce.

Mypoint is theseprojectsaren’tabout sacrificing somethingelse in favorofdoing them. In the long term, it’s much more about time management thancompromise. Granted, when youmake that initial push,maybe you’ll have togive thebar the skip, and spenda little less time fuckingaroundonFacebook,butonceit’sdone,thentheworld’syouroysteragain,andyoucanleanagainstyour beautifully upholstered headboard, basking in the luxury of your well-appointedbedwithallitseuroshamsandthrowpillows,andtrollPinterestuntilyou’veforgottenwhetheryouloveorloatheeverything.

WhatI’mtryingtosayisyoucanprioritizetheseprojects.Youdon’thavetodo them all, and you definitely don’t have to do them all back-to-back. Youshouldstillseeyourfriendsandgotowork.Youshouldstillwatchyourfavoriteshowsandmakeittoyourbestfriend’sbirthdayparty.Buteveryonceinawhile,youcansay,“Insteadofdoingthat,I’mfinallygoingtopaintoverthathideouscolor in thekitchen.”And feel empoweredknowing that youknowhow todothat.YouCANdothat.Andifyouencounteragorgeouspendantlightatastoopsale,you’ll feelconfidentknowingthatyouCANreplacethehorriblefixture inyourbathroom.YouCANdothat.Thepointistotacklethethingsthatarereallystandingbetweenyouandamoreserenelife,andkeeptheotherprojectsinyourback pocket until you’re ready. Put your shit away.Hang up your clothes, doyourdishes,getframesforallyourshittypush-pinnedposters...Andthenseehow you’re feeling. You may feel motivated by your overwhelming sense ofprogress.Those firstcoupleof stepswill transformyourhome.But theymightalso light a fire under your ass to keep improving. Theymight inspire you topaintthatroomorbuybedsidelampsforyourbedroom.Andfromthere,theskyisthelimit.WhatI’mtryingtoexplainis—don’tpsychyourselfintoimmobility.Takethisshitonedayatatime,onestepatatime,andyoucantransformyourspace into thekindofhomeyou’re relieved tocomeback to,not thekindyouhavetowadethroughtogettoyourbed.BecauseGodknows,wepayalotfortheplacewesleep—wemightaswellenjoyit.