8/12/2019 How I Got Blown Up

1/3

How I Got Blown Upby M. Quad (C. B. Lewis)

(1868)

I was going up to Maysville, Kentucky, to take a sit on the Bulletin , and of course I

took the steamer Magnolia, after reaching Cincinnati, in preference to all others. She wasa tidy looking oat, and her head clerk wore a diamond pin. !e was the first steam oatclerk I had ever seen fastened to a "#$$ diamond, and I was determined to go on that oatif it killed me.

% runner for a rival oat assured me that the Magnolia would low up, while his oatwould slide up the river like grease, ut the diamond pin decided me.

&ood' ye, my white'haired rural friend( sorrowfully e)claimed the rival runner as heturned away, and I never saw him again. *ur paths diverged right there. Mine wentskyward, and he went off and fell down a hatchway and was killed.

%fter the steamer left the wharf' oat I sat down in the ca in and listened, with others,while a fat man from Illinois read four or five columns of the impeachment trial of %ndy+ohnson. hrowing the paper down he said-

&entlemen, it seems to me

!e stopped right there. !e couldn/t go on. he oilers e)ploded 0ust then, and we had usiness aloft. I don/t e)actly remem er who went up first, or how we got through theroof. I am a little a sent'minded sometimes, and this was one of the times.

he oilers made a great deal more noise than there seemed any occasion for. hee)plosion would have een %'1 with half the whi22ing, grinding and tearing. *ne of themen who came up ehind me seemed to think that something or other was out of order,and he yelled out to me-

Say( 3hat/s all this4

I pointed to the fat man, who was a out five feet ahead of me, and then I egan to practice gymnastics. I went up a few feet right end up, then a few feet more wrong endup, and then I wasn/t particular which way I went up. he golden eagle off the pilot'houssailed around our heads, and it was a fine chance for the fat man to get off a handsomeeulogy on the proud ird of freedom. !e didn/t do it, however. *ne of his ears had eentorn off, a leg roken, and flying tim ers kept pegging him every minute. I wanted to askhim to finish the remark he commenced in the ca in, ut he seemed so cast'down anddiscouraged that I hadn/t the heart to speak.

3e finally arrived there. It was a good ways up, and the route had several littleinconveniences. It was a grand location from which to view the surrounding country, utwe didn/t stop to view it. 3e had usiness elow, and our motto was usiness efore

8/12/2019 How I Got Blown Up

2/3

pleasure.

Somehow, I got mi)ed up with the fat man, and we couldn/t hardly tell which waswhich. !e made no complaints, and I didn/t care, and so we got along very well togetheruntil we struck the water. 3hen we went down to look for ottom we let go of each

other. !e staid down there and I came up. % num er of others also came up a out thattime. *ne man got hold of a door and warned us that he was a mem er of the 5egislature,and must therefore e saved, ut we had a mass convention and decided that theConstitution of the 6nited States guaranteed e7ual rights to all men, and we crowded himalong.

%s the door wouldn/t float over ten or twelve, a half'do2en of us got hold of rooms,foot'stools, dusters, and so forth, and compared notes. % si)'footer from Missouri wasrushing around with a oot'0ack in one hand, a ta lecloth in the other, and a look ofan)iety on his face. %s he floated near me he called out-

8oung man, where are we going4 I called ack that I was a stranger in that locality, and couldn/t say whether we/d ringup in 9ew *rleans or :ort 5eavenworth.

I finally got hold of the dining ta le, to which a red'headed woman from S . 5ouis wasclinging. %s I caught the ta le she e)claimed-

&o away, young man go away(

I replied that the state of her toilet needn/t confuse her in the least. !er dress'skirt had een lown off, her hair singed, and part of her hoop'skirt was over her head, ut Iwarned her that it was a out an even thing. he and of my shirt was still uttonedaround my neck, and I had one oot on, and it was no time to e captious. I remarked toher that her nose was roken and several of her teeth were gone, ut she fired up and saidI/d etter look to home, as I had one eye ruined, a hole in my head, and was cooked ina do2en places.

;efore I could learn much of her history we were drawn to the ank and taken off. Icalled out for a readth of rag carpet to make me a toga of, ut no one would ring it, andI had to faint away to avoid hearing any criticisms from the crowd.

3hen I came to, a do2en of us were piled up together, and the captain of the oat wasmaking a speech. !e said it wasn/t his fault, and that we mustn/t feel hard y him. !ehad lost a fine dog y the accident, and he couldn/t ear any further urden 0ust then. !esaid that oats often lew up without any apparent reason, ut if he could ever ascertainthe reason of this low'up he would send us the particulars. !e seemed like an honest'hearted man, and we felt sorry for the loss of his dog.

3hen we got down to Cincinnati, a policeman asked me if it made any difference to me

8/12/2019 How I Got Blown Up

3/3