How To Find The Right

Person To Date

A step by step guide to finding the right partner

and detecting an abuser

Celia John

Copyright © 2014 by Celia John

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form

or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or

introduced into any information storage or retrieval system without the written permission of

the author.

Disclaimer

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in

this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby

disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or

omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other

cause.

Also by Celia John

The System Sucks What Victims Of Domestic Violence Want You To Know

Get Out If You Can How To Escape An Abusive Relationship And Be Happy

How To Find The Right Person To Date Workbook

Love Poems

Poems

Poetry

www.overcomebooks.com

www.overcomedomesticviolence.com

Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1: Domestic Violence and Abuse

Experiences of Abused Women

Types of Abuse

Abusive Relationships

Types of Abuse

Characteristics of an Abuser

Myths Concerning Domestic Abuse

How the Abuser Gains Control and Power

The Abusive Partner and Sex

The Abusive Partner and their Children

Consequences of Abuse on Personality Development

Chapter 2: The Role of Relationships

A Good Relationship

The Impact of a Positive Relationship

Family Dynamics

Theories of Domestic Abuser

Characteristics of a Good Partner

Chapter 3: Relationship Diagnosis

Examination of Feelings in the Relationship

Examination of Your Behaviour

Examination of Your Partner’s Behaviour

Examination of Your Relationship

Relationship Checklist

Self Examination

Chapter 4: What To Do If You Are In An Abusive Relationship

Change Your Behaviour

Express Your Anger

Decide What You Want in a Relationship

Make a Decision

Stay or Leave? The Choice is Yours

Barriers to Leaving

Plans for Leaving

After You Leave

Chapter 5: How to Avoid Getting into an Abusive Relationship

The Power of Knowledge

Abuser Checklist

Understanding the Legacy of the Past

Heal the Hurt Child Within

Self-Esteem

How to Develop High Self-Esteem

Avoiding Abuse

Chapter 6: Recovery from Abuse

Healing from Abuse

Feelings about Relationships

Impact of Abuse on Children

The Healing Power of Tears

Improve Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Getting Support

Starting a New Relationship

More Books from Celia John

Resources

Bibliography

Preface

Let's face it. There are people out there who have the potential to turn out to be an abuser.

What's my definition of an abuser? It is someone who intentionally harms you. It could be

physically, emotionally or verbally. My ex-husband was an abuser. He was abusive, rotten,

unkind and a psycho. He stalked me and was just plain obsessed with me. He could not

accept that our marriage was over and even when we separated he could not let go. I wrote

this book for all the women and men out there who do not want to get involved with an

abuser. So for those of you who do not want to end up with an abusive partner you need to

read this book.

I wrote this book for everyone out there who wants a good partner to love and be with. If you

want to know how to find a good relationship and escape dating an abuser read this book.

You will gain the knowledge you need to escape the pain and hurt of being with someone

who does not love you and only wants to hurt you. All of us want to be loved and respected.

Everyone deserves to have love and have a good partner. The goal of this book is to give

everyone the knowledge they need to have a positive relationship and avoid abuse.

Characteristics of a Good Partner

Earlier we discussed the qualities of a positive relationship and now I would like to discuss

the qualities of a good partner. First of all, a good partner will accept you for who you are.

They will not try to change you into what they want you to be. So the first quality of a good

partner is acceptance of your true self.

A good partner will love you, care for you and appreciate you. This love and caring that they

have for you will come out in their actions. They will care about how you feel and about your

life. They will be interested in you. They will not want to hurt your feelings or take pleasure

from doing so. They will be genuinely concerned if you have a problem or something that is

worrying you and will actively try to make you feel better because they care about how you

feel. They will try to make you happy. They will try to find out what makes you happy and

do it. They will ask about your wants and needs and try to fulfil them. They will not take any

pleasure in making you sad or unhappy. Everything they do is for your pleasure and

relaxation. Their purpose is to please you and make you happy.

A partner who is positive will be able to argue with you without being abusive. It is normal

for arguments to occur in a relationship. However, a good partner will be able to disagree

with you and not be offended if you do not share their opinion. They will respect the fact that

you have your own opinion and are a separate person from them. A good partner is not going

to try to control how you think or try to manipulate how you think in any way, shape or form.

During arguments they will look for a peaceful solution and will not criticize you or be

abusive towards you because you had an opinion that differed from theirs.

When you are in a relationship with a good partner they will speak to you using positive

language. They will not criticize you or make you feel worthless. They will always speak to

you with respect and kindness because they care about how you feel. A good partner's

purpose in your life is not to tear you down. It is to build you up to become a better person. A

good partner will enhance your life and make it better than it ever was. They will compliment

you, say positive things to you and build up your self-esteem not tear it down. They will take

pleasure in encouraging you to fulfil your goals and dreams.

Your significant other should be secure in who they are and confident in themselves. There is

no room for insecurity and jealousy from a good partner. A good partner is mature. They

have reached a high level of self-development and know what they want out of life. They

know their purposes and goals in life. They are not aimless or dependent on other people for

their survival. They are independent and do not feel threatened or intimidated by their

partner's strength of character or confidence. Because a good partner feels good about

themselves there is no need for them to criticize their partner or be threatened by their

partner's success.

A good partner will be considerate of your needs and wants. It will be important to them to

know how to please you. They will not be deliberately inconsiderate of your needs. Your

needs and wants will be at the forefront of their minds. They are not controlling, obsessive or

jealous. A good partner will not have any problems with you having friends of the opposite

sex and will encourage you to have a social life of your own.

A good spouse will trust you and therefore will not forbid you to have friends of the opposite

sex. They will trust that you will be faithful to them and their behaviour will reflect this. A

good partner will not suffer from the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. They will display only one

personality. They will not have mood shifts from cruelty to kindness in the same moment.

Their personality will be consistent with who they presented themselves to be on the first

date. Their personality will be stable.

A good partner will not try to dominate or control their partner. Both people in the

relationship will be equals and will discuss their problems and try to solve them together.

There will be a lack of monitoring over their partner's behaviour because they accept that

their spouse has the right to their own life and that they have the ability to control their own

behaviour because they are adults. Also, a good partner is authentic. They are not pretending

to be someone they are not in order to be with you. They will be real and genuine. They will

be open about their life, their family, friends and activities.

There will be no desire to seek to isolate their partner from other people. A good partner will

involve their partner in their activities and pursuits. They will introduce their partner to their

friends and family. They will enjoy being with their partner but will also accept that their

partner will have other activities and pursuits apart from them and this will not be a problem

or issue in the relationship.

A partner who is genuine will take responsibility for what they do and how they behave.

They will never blame the other person for their behaviour. If they behave inappropriately

they will be able to recognize this and will hold themselves accountable for their actions. If

they have done something to hurt their partner they will be genuinely remorseful and

apologize and will seek to make it up to their partner for whatever they did to hurt them. This

is not to be confused with the cycle of abuse. In a positive relationship there will be times

when each partner may have done something to offend the other one. However, they will be

genuinely sorry and will try not to repeat the offending behaviour because they do not want to

hurt their partner.

There will not be any threatening behaviour or threats if you are involved with a good person.

A good partner will not try to manipulate your behaviour by using physical intimidation or

even the threat of violence. They will also not attempt to hit you. They will not issue verbal

threats which can be seen as emotional blackmail such as “if you don't do what I say I will

leave you.” There will respect and consideration your feelings.

During sex a good partner will be open to meeting their partner's needs and will try to

pleasure them during sex. They will never abuse their partner during sex by forcing them to

do something against their will. They will always seek consent from their partner for sex and

if they want to try something new they will discuss it with their partner before doing it. They

will not try to coerce their partner into doing something that they do not enjoy or find

degrading because they will respect that each partner has their free will and right to consent

to sex and not to be forced into doing anything that they do not want to do. A good partner

will make love to you. They will show you through love making how much they love you and

after having sex you should feel loved, valued and appreciated.

If you liked this sample chapter of How To Find The Right Person To Date it is available to

buy at http://www.overcomebooks.com/ebook-healthy-relationships/

The following books by Celia John are also available at www.overcomebooks.com and

Amazon.

More Books From Celia John

How To Find The Right Person To Date Workbook

This book has worksheets with various activities and exercises to help you assess your

relationship in order for you to decide whether your relationship is beneficial to you or not. It

also has various questionnaires to help you explore how your family environment and

previous relationships have influenced your choice of partners. You will also be able to

develop your own criteria in order to find a fulfilling relationship.

Get Out If You Can How To Escape An Abusive Relationship And Be Happy

This book is a summary of the concepts that have been discussed in the book How To Find

The Right Person To Date. It is a short guide to help you identify the characteristics of an

abusive partner so that you will have the knowledge you need in order to leave an abusive

relationship.

The System Sucks What Victims Of Domestic Violence Want You To Know

This book explores the experiences that victims of domestic violence have had with social

workers. If you would like to know how victims of domestic abuse feel about social workers

read this book.

Poems

This is a selection of poems about life, womanhood, nature, love and relationships.

Poetry

This is a selection of spiritual poetry about how we can use faith to overcome our problems.

Love Poems

This is a selection of poems about the beauty of love from the first kiss to burning passion.