How to Overcome Your Fear of Failure

If you knew you could not fail, what would you do that you haven’t tried before?

Saranga Psychiatry - Vinay Saranga, MD and Reshmi Saranga, MD

Copyright © Limerick Publishing Works. All rights reserved.Midlothian, TX 76065

No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without the express written permission of the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotes for review.

Disclaimer ~ This is a brief discussion on the subject of overcoming fear of failure. Its purpose is to provide stimulation for thought, and resources for the reader who’s interested. It is not, nor is it intended to be, a full therapeutic course of treatment on the subject. If in reading this book you would like to discuss the subject futher, please contact our office for an appointment.

Be well and grow.

Chapter 1

How to Overcome Your Fear of Failure

Have you ever failed? We sure have, and hope you have, too.

Don’t take offense, because we don’t mean that like it sounds. We do actually want to see you succeed and live your dream. We want that for ourselves, as well.

But if you’ve been working along, experiencing one success after another and haven’t had a single real failure yet, you may have a tough fall ahead.

And here’s why:

The reason for that is that we’re all human, and no one gets to do everything perfectly 100% of the time. In fact, none of us actually gets to be 100% perfect ever. But that doesn’t stop us. Because perfection isn’t what we’re after.

Good results in our work and our relationships are what we’re after. And the more we try, and the harder we work, the more often we’ll get to hit a ball out of the park.

And they’ll love us when we do ... Now that’s what we’re after, right? More money, more love, more confidence… right? Of course!

The problem is that when we’re new at any certain skill, we’re afraid we’ll make fools of ourselves when we stick our necks out and try.

And at times we do.

But you know what? That’s not the end of the world …!

Not at all. It’s just another step toward doing better the next time, and learning how to apply our new skill really well.

However, things can get a bit muddy when we’re so terrified about failing, that we stop trying altogether.

There’s a name for that ...atychiphobia … and it really is the fear of failure that’s so overwhelming we become paralyzed to the point we’re unwilling to try at all, unless we have 100% guarantee we’ll succeed.

Do we ever have a 100% guarantee we’ll succeed? No!

So there’s the rub. If you’re afraid to try without that guarantee of success, you’ll never try again. And that, friend, brings your business and relationships to a grinding halt.

Now, most of us have had small failures along the way, and have developed the resilience through our life experiences to get over it and move on.

Sometimes a failure will even slow us down enough that it takes us a little time to get back up, brush ourselves off, and try again. We may have to swallow our pride to do it, right? But that’s all part of being human.

And you know what else? It’s a confirmed part of success.

In the following pages we’re going to talk about how to embrace failure, pat ourselves on the back when it happens, congratulate ourselves for the valiant effort, and wear it as a badge of honor.

Because while it’s true if we don’t try we’ll never fail … but ... if we don’t try we’ll also never fulfill our dreams.

If you’re like us, you’ve decided to build your life on your terms. And that’s all about fulfilling your dreams and living the life you want to live.

So come along, put on your “big girl panties,” and let’s learn together how to embrace failure as the unchallenged element of success it is.

Chapter 2

Uh ... stickee what … ?

We’re not talking about “uh stickee” anything..but rather atychiphobia … or more simply put, the fear of failure.

Who came up with the idea in the first place that we’re not supposed to fail? Did you learn to walk without failure? We sure didn’t. What about riding a bike or learning to spell?

Ever missed even a single word on a spelling test?

In our daughter’s case, spelling came pretty easily most of the time. And she makes lots of 100s. But the more she could spell the more she wanted to challenge herself. And sometimes when she does she misspells something. And the reason…?

Because she keeps trying and pushing herself outside her ability … so she can learn and grow. To become more accomplished.

It’s because of failure that we love success so much. If there wasn’t hot we wouldn’t know what cold is. If the weeks weren’t busy with school or work, we wouldn’t know how to appreciate a weekend.

One of our favorite Peanuts cartoons is the one where Schroeder said, “Weekends lose their significance when you’re unemployed...”

And he’s right! Contrast is the spice of life. And if it weren’t for failure, we couldn’t appreciate the intoxicating thrill of success.

To take the thought a step further, let’s look at some truly successful people in their field. Thomas Edison invented the light bulb but not before 10,000 failed tries. Did it paralyze him that he kept failing? Not at all. He just said he was having marvelous success with his research and had discovered 10,000 methods that didn’t work. He kept narrowing down the possibilities, rather than assuming the failures meant his goal was impossible.

And Babe Ruth. Most people know he held the home run record for decades from 1927 until 1961. But did you know he also held the strike out record? He knew that to succeed he had to try. And he tried… a LOT. Did a strike out paralyze him to quit trying?Not on your life.

Every single time you attempt any challenge in your life, you take the risk that you will fail. And yet you do it. Why? Because a risk is also a chance to succeed.

So let’s talk about how to overcome this fear of risk-taking. The first step is to change your mindset. If failure is the enemy, then risk is pretty threatening. However, if failure is a step toward success, like soreness is a step toward a toned body, then it’s much easier to accept it as part of the process.

So how do you change your mind to actually believe that?

“Well, how do you eat an elephant?”

“One bite at a time.”

Let’s look at which bites you should start with:

1. Recognize that your mind operates on a “garbage in - garbage out” system. Your brain will produce for you what you feed it. If you feed your brain stories of failure, despair, and bankruptcy, that’s what your brain will toss back at you when you’re afraid to attempt a big step or project. But if you feed your brain true stories about the success of others and how they got there, your mind will begin to believe them, and support you with the courage you need, when you need it.

2. Read inspiring and motivating books that help you face risk and challenge with courage. Books that show you the odds really are in your favor if you’re determined to win.

Books like: Think and Grow Rich by Napolean Hill, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, and anything by Zig Ziglar, Brene Brown, and so many more will change the way you look at the possibilities in your life.

Wash all that fear and hopelessness out of your head!

3. Take Zig Ziglar’s prescription for success. He says the attitude of gratitude is the healthiest emotion a human can possess. He recommends that you write down every single positive thing about yourself you can think of. Every ability, every trait, every virtue.

Then place that list in prominent places in your house, like the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, and in front of your desk. Read the list every time you see it. And every morning and evening, at least once, read that list to yourself out loud - while looking at yourself in the mirror - with gusto and enthusiastic gratitude for all you have to offer. Your mind will change. Your outlook will change. I did it and it changed mine!

4. Now choose a task you’ve been afraid to try. It doesn’t have to be huge, but something you’ve dreaded or avoided. Break it into small doable bite-size pieces and each day choose one of those small bites ... and just do it. The bite shouldn’t take longer than 15 -20 minutes...maybe 30.

Just do it. When you’re finished, don’t keep going. Stop working, get up, pat yourself on the back, and do something to celebrate your accomplishment. Each day take one more bite and do only that one. Continue this day after day.

You may find in time you want to lengthen the time you spend working on the bite. And after awhile, you may not want to stop at all. Because every little bite helps your confidence build until you actually realize you CAN do it.

Just keep on keeping on, and watch the dread melt away.

Chapter 3

Fail like a Pro

Let’s take this discussion a step further. In fact, let’s dive into the center of that pesky failure manhole and talk about how to not run from failure but instead, actually embrace it.

Can you imagine??

Becky Ryan quipped, “Fail like a pro” in an article she wrote for Forbes, “Five Ways to Conquer Your Fear of Failure,” and pointed out that it’s not failure that holds us back..it’s fear of failure. She says we’re conditioned to avoid failure (as if

lack of failure ensures success?) Silly isn’t it? The truth is that lack of failure signals a lack of risk taking, which is a requirement of success.

In her article she refers to Stanford psychologist, Carol Dweck, who says that to embrace failure we need to change our thinking, and adopt a ‘growth mindset’… a way of looking at life and situations that’s resilient in the face of failure, and recognizes failure as necessary for learning and achievement. She suggests that to change our mind about failure simply requires that we ...change our mind.

Dweck stresses that we’ve got to stop beating ourselves up over mistakes and instead choose to accept that failures aren’t catastrophic but rather provide reference points for that next try.

This means we separate our outcomes from our self-worth. Instead of saying to yourself, “Way to go dufus!” when you make a mistake, try something more like…”ok, well that was interesting. Now let’s see how I can improve on the next go round by keeping this information in mind…”

And that’s failing like a pro.

So I’ll say it again: It’s in mistakes we learn!

Recently Clayton Makepeace, 7-figure copywriter, author, and trainer of other 6- and 7-figure copywriters made the point that when all is going well, and every risk you take turns to gold, you may be reveling in your success and all that money you’re making for your client and yourself, but you aren’t learning much.

It’s not when you’re riding high that you learn and improve your skills. It’s when you fail, when your project doesn’t work, and you feel awful. That’s when you dig down, find what you did wrong, forgot to include, and otherwise did badly. That’s when you learn and resolve to not miss those things again. And you become better at what you’re doing.

In her book, Better by Mistake-The Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong, Alisa Tugend encourages the mind-set where we learn through our mistakes and les faux pas. We know that when we feel bad about ourselves and feel we can’t change, we tend to not go back and look at our errors and learn from them because we’re embarrassed.

So there’s a tendency in human nature to avoid situations that make us look bad, and put others down to make ourselves feel better. But when we feel open to learning from our errors, mistakes aren’t so embarrassing … and here’s why.

Because we know we’re learning, and what we figure out from the experience will just help us improve ourselves and our abilities. We no longer feel the need to

hide our flawed skills behind a curtain, but to reach out for more help and guidance to improve our ability.

We need to embrace our failures, not because the mistakes are inherently great on their own … but it’s that they provide the opportunity to learn more, improve, grow within ourselves and our craft, and get closer to the goals and dreams we’ve set for ourselves.

So if we have so much to gain by failing well, ie. learning from our mistakes and becoming better at what we do, is failure something we need to fear?

If it only makes us stronger and wiser, can we not embrace it as an asset in our quest to succeed? My hypothesis is yes, we can and should embrace failure like we embrace working out to become toned.

Think of a time when you made a humiliating mistake. How did you get through it? Did you learn anything you can use later?

Chapter 4

The Growth Mindset

Now, about the ‘growth mindset.‘ We first learned about Carol Dweck, in our discussion about learning to stop beating ourselves up when we make mistakes, but instead to think about what we’ve learned from the experience and will carry forward.

The experience becomes “interesting” rather than shameful.

Carol Dweck has done extensive research on the concept of ‘mindset’ and has drawn some conclusions. For instance, mindset explains:

• There’s a reason why brains and talent alone don’t bring success• How smart and talented people can stand in the way of their own success• The reason why praising brains and talent doesn’t foster self-esteem, but rather

jeopardizes it• On the other hand, teaching a simple idea about the brain results in higher

grades• It’s the thing that all great CEOs, parents, teachers, athletes know

So let’s look at the two basic mindsets and how they affect our success: Fixed mindset and Growth mindset.

A fixed mindset is the one that says I have all the brains and talent I’ll ever have. I got it at birth. This is it. End of story. The result of this belief is that rather than working to develop abilities, this person believes his talent alone will create success. He’s wrong and will experience terrible disappointment eventually.

A growth mindset believes that life is a developmental journey, each experience building on the last leading to deeper understanding, greater knowledge, refined talent, and a more productive and effective life. The person who holds this belief believes that dedication and hard work can develop his abilities and personality, and he enjoys the rewards of that hard work.

The growth mindset increases motivation and productivity, and enhances relationships of every type.

So what is a mindset? Mindsets are basically beliefs we have about ourselves: our intelligence, learning capacity, talent, and personality. IQ can be measured...but do you believe that number you were told as a child remained the same throughout your life?

Or do you see it as a starting point, and you know it would be far higher if measured again?

For those whose mindset about themselves is set in stone, there’s not a lot of room for growth so they tend to spend their lives feeling they need to prove themselves … to themselves and to others.

But those who get it, that whatever brains and talents they were born with can be enhanced, refined, sharpened, and developed through hard work, dedication, practice, and guidance know they can accomplish great things just because they choose to and are willing to work at it.

They understand their gifts are just the starting point. And if they don’t feel gifted they know they can still accomplish wonderful things by working even harder.

One more little tidbit about IQ. The guy who created the IQ test in the first place, Alfred Binet, was a Frenchman who never intended it to be a measure of a person’s capacity.

His purpose in finding a way to measure it in a child was to see how much it could be changed through changed education programs. He believed strongly in the growth mindset.

So what does all this growth mindset stuff have to do with you and me? It’s wonderful news...and here it is:

::::drum roll please::::

It means you can be as successful in your life and relationships

as you’re willing to work to be.

It means that there are not a privileged few who can succeed. But rather, if you’re willing to work as hard as those successful icons we admire worked, dig as deep as they dug, read and learn as extensively as they did, you can be as successful as you choose to be.

It means that Michael Jordan would never have been the star he became if he hadn’t worked hard to train. Tiger Woods mastered golf because he worked hard from early childhood straight through to adulthood. Their natural talent would not have taken them very far if they hadn’t worked hard to develop it.

And you can, too. With work and practice and great instruction and guidance you can accomplish your dreams.

So what is your dream? Do you feel passionate about it? Are you willing to channel that passion into hard, consistent work and practice?

If you are, you will succeed.

Chapter 5

Embracing Myself Allows Me to Give My Best

Let’s take a step back and exhale. Look what we’ve accomplished! We’ve looked failure in the face, and realized it’s not failure that’s the problem, it’s the fear of it.

We’ve learned that failure is an integral part of success and, as such, we actually need it in our lives to improve our skills and grow. So we have to get past the fear of risk, and fill our minds with ‘can-do’ thinking.

We also talked about having a growth mindset that empowers us to accomplish whatever we really want to accomplish, as long as we’re willing to work for it.

If we know we can’t be perfect with no failures, then what’s our best conclusion?

Brené Brown is a researcher at University of Houston, and she says it’s realizing that while we’re not perfect we’re wonderful just like we are. Her book, The Gift of Imperfection, is all about learning to accept ourselves as we are, to be authentic, and to give that authentic person to others and to our work.

She explains that perfectionism isn’t trying to do our best, it’s the fear of failing. Fear of letting our imperfections show. Because honestly, when it gets right down to it, we’re all in the same boat. Here in this world, we’re all human.

And we know what it’s like to study our profession, study about relationships, to reach out to build our businesses and our families, to swallow our fears, to try ever so hard on a project only to watch it flop. We know. And we just don’t need to pretend or hide the fact that we’re all in the same boat and there’s nothing to fear in being who we are.

When I was younger, I had a mentor who supported me through a difficult crisis. I had had a huge opportunity to display my expertise, but when push came to shove I choked. I couldn’t say what I needed to say, and my presentation flopped. My audience was an esteemed professor, and I felt my career was over.

I was devastated. But, my mentor patted me on the back and treated me like I was still human, talked me through the terror of it all, then gave me books to read

and painstakingly went over my efforts with me. My confidence was so bruised I could hardly put sentences together for awhile.

But this mentor made me realize I just messed up. So what? So I’ll study harder and practice more. And I’ll do a better job next time.

And I did.

It was a hard road to recovery, accepting my humanness, but his support smoothed it out for me. And I’m now reaching those goals and loving what I do.

Brené says, “How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that’s even more essential … : loving ourselves.”

She quotes Anna Quindlen, “The thing that is really hard and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginnning the work of becoming yourself.”

Now picture yourself with all your strengths, talent, intelligence, discipline, determination, courage, good intentions, and desire ... plus … all your prejudices, fears, mistakes, flaws, and quirks ... It’s from that well you draw who you are, what you have to draw from in your work and your relationships. There’s a lot of creativity and wisdom in all that.

Can you imagine if you can draw from that well, without fear of failure, and fully embracing the whole of who you are, what amazing things you can accomplish?

You’re not ordinary. You’re amazing. And your ideas and efforts are uniquely yours. Make sure you don’t cheat the world of all that you have to contribute.

So don’t just sit there, go ahead and fail. Fail like a pro and in a big way. Only then will you succeed in a big way, too.