How to Survive a Horror Film

8/6/2019 How to Survive a Horror Film

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A Horror Movie Character's

The following are tips for any character in a horror film. If you do happen tofind yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely and you may makeit out alive. Until the sequel that is...

Survival Tips:

1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it'sreally dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a

church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performednecrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.4. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone

out.


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5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which theydo not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shootthem at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it'sunlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.

6. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.7. If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned

mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's goingas couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's

jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament whileyou're driving with them to the place.

8. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.9. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,

tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.10.If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that

it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.11.If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.12.Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.13.Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you

know what you are doing.14.If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or f all down at least

twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are runningand the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enoughto catch up with you.

15.If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior

such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.16.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed

here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if yourecognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maineor Massachusetts.

17.If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

18.Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedgetrimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane

torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device madefrom deceased companions.19.Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since

they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.20. Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because

"there's so much we can learn from them".21.Don't make fun of or play with dead things.


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22.If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Takethe hint and stay away.

23.If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.24.When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to

start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll haveto crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

25.If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turnaround and go back outside as quietly as possible.

26. When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make itthrough the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do,expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.

27.Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.28.People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so

don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to besurprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

29. On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.30. If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds

taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are

A. either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B. will not believe you and laugh at you.

Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

31.If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that arearound them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretivegroup, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority,and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to thechildren as possible, but expect to die anyways because you are inferior to them.

32.If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchangefor your services. In fact, do not expect anything other than death, whichwill come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you

have become attracted to, but the villian wants as this own.33.If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal,immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try totalk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and thelike) for they will not believe you.


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34. Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for somuch as a second.

35.When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look likeeggs, leave them alone.

36.When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached tohis body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.

37.When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeyingthe previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

38. Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows,the woods or the lake)

39. If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something(like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for thehomicidal-chainsaw-wielding- psychopath by yourself) by all means,listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.

40.If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair.Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws,harpoons, etc.

41.If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good ideato quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how muchammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.

42.If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because

sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.43. If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are

hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because youwill immediately be mistaken for a/the monster.

44.Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

45. DO NOT go into the dark room.46.If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who

ever survives is a female.

47.While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.48.In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster,never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generatorswill inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetableclimbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got theghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.


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49.If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women areexpendable.

50.Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.51.Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.52.If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're

supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is .LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!

53.Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sortof sharp object.

54.If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

55.Your dog can take care of itself...56.So can your spouse...57.And your kids.58.Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die

anyway.59.Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way.

Be a believer.60.If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.61.Your plan takes into account all possible situations... except for the one

that actually occurs.62.Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.63.When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your

gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head.64.Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after asuccesful demon/devil/monster summoning.

65.People driven by veangance always die.66.Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved

ones will get you killed.67.Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.68.Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.69.Feel no guilt.70. If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and

ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

71.If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters willdestroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark,underground stations to get on a subway.


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72.If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly hornyteenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

73.If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many peoplewill ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buya new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse or significant other.

74.If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you,chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this willhappen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behindyou).

75.If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.

76.If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends andthey ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them torun as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that'stheir tough luck.

77.If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream fromor there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised tofind that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked,effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you.

78. If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rulethat is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it

would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)79.If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs

will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master.Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!

80. If you are a bad dog, you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore,kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feelstrangely compelled to avoid.

81.If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eatyou, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or

the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.82. If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS ! Your people will triumph and

rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).83. If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST

IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating indefiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.


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84. Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun,can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster.

85. If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to befound when you're being eaten alive.

86.A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never bedriven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.

87.When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible.Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.

88. ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge andcarnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.

89. ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or nothuman/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a toughhide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!

90. Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignorechest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for awhile (maybe... and if you're really lucky... and if the creature even hasany eyes to shoot in the first place).

91.If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he's comingafter you some time or another. Go into seclusion very very far away.

92.If you set the monster on fire, or he is set on fire, he will not die butinstead try and fight you while he is on fire.

93.If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at all costs (even if it isyour spouse or child).

94.A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn'teven *have* the barbecue without you!" run like hell.

95. Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn...96.Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.97.Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waiting

right there for you.

98.Never open strange cannisters, especially not if they're governmentowned.99. Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a REAL bad

idea.100. Never meddle in God's domain.101. Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and

therefore the greatest in the universe.


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102. If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing isclose by.

103. If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk theextra 5 miles into town.

104. Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, andnot a stimulant of any kind.

105. If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out thoseannoying friends of yours with you.

106. Don't work the night shift.107. Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to

contain anything you summoned.108. Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or

large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula,the wolfman, etc...)

109. If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let itthaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not

bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)110. If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make

sure that the monster's location is not well known. (Sightseers have anannoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.)

111. Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivorsfrom the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)

112. Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of manyinsect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms.As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desertwhich has been the site of an A-Bomb test.

113. Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow togigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.

114. Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giantfish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you.

115. Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially

those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names likeLeatherface or Pun'kinhead.116. Stay on the Interstate.117. If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances

are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you.118. If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making

coffee will not help anyone.


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139. All myths and legends have a basis in fact...140. If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding

creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures.

141. On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you,immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up...

142. Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinnydipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water.Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings"circulating.

143. If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another roomor outside your window, don't assume it's just the house settling or thewind.

144. If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious soundand he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs. He's

probably already dead.145. If you value your life, stay a virgin.146. Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.147. Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. (This

must cause something real, real bad because no one ever tries it.)148. If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head

with a silverbullet - AT ONCE!

149. When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRYto switch the lights on.150. OR... When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY

turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.151. All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever

surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.)

152. Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.153. Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They

won't anyway, and will end up saving you.

154. Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the waythat she was.155. Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play

with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised.156. Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house.

Unless your Bill Gates.157. Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.


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158. Don't eat food supplements, health food or yogurt. Its not as goodfor you as you think.

159. When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough inGene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O of theCorporation.

160. Avoid men in black.161. Also avoid men with pointy teeth.162. Natch facial hair.163. Also people with pale complexion who moan and sway.164. When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to

the retirement home.165. If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon,

DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later.166. NEVER ever pick up hitch hickers on deserted rural roads,

especially if you live in texas.167. NEVER start crying/whinning when the monster or villan has you

cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and themonster or villian does not really give a damn about your life anyway.

168. Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.169. If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.170. If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the

other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. Andnever never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for theweekend."

171. Fnd a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirtroad.172. When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any

underwater power lines marked out on your map.173. If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much

better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you mustA. Be a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of

choice of 9 out of 10 aliensB. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the

world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way

too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things withscales, Latin names or way too many legs.

C. Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters


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D. If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big helphere.

E. Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of themovie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist thesecond the bad scientist begins to mutate.

F. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will becalled on to do this alot.

G. Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.

174. Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready tosquash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyaltyhere is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.

175. If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast.Intergallactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acidand a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giantinsects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel.Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet.

176. Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name andfreckles, lose him. Especiallly if he spends a lot of time looking at thingsthrough a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandonedmine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow.

177. When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed

or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hellaway from there!

178. Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad isgoing to happen, because he's probably right!

179. When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old mancarrying eyballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back inthe car and go back in the direction you came from.

180. If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen tothem, because they usually are.

181. If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go lookingfor the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead too.182. If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.183. When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't!184. Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernable

head or limbs, or can infect you with something.185. Never be funnier than the main character.


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186. Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy isslower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

187. NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weirdceremony.

188. NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

189. Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of gettingleft behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap)to sulk.

190. When investigating a house or place shunned by the whisperingtownsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look inthe mirrors, and don't read the diaries.

191. If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid nowhas, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

192. Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile torelieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane,train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan).

193. Never walk backwards!194. If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals advise you

to go no further that night, DON'T!195. Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.196. If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh,

'cause you're gonna eat some.

197. Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of thetime one of the heels will break.198. If, at any point, you are running from a monster/ villian in a

car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run off theroad, do a U-Turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and will catch up.

199. If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting ahachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

200. Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead'villian. He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed.

201. When going down the basement stairs, (You will... you ARE in ahorror film, right?) always send your little brother/sister/grandpa/grandma down first; this'll tell you if something's hidingunder the steps.

202. If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with theserial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later on in thefilm. This is guaranteed.


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203. Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, theyare all expendable.

204. If you are running desperately away from a big boogy monster inthe woods.

A. He's going to pop up in front of youB. You're going to trip on something and end up on your butt just

before something cleaves your head from your shoulders...

You're going to die anyhow... so why not try running backwards.

205. If the Damm power suddenly shuts off. Don't go try to fix thegenerator.

206. Learn Karate, Well...at least no one has tried to roundkick Jasonyet...

207. Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out.

208. If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going toget trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare the living

bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to bekilled the instant you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead.

209. If you plan to lose your virginity at summer camp or while a psycho killer is on the loose, well, at least you'll die happy.

210. If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fightinga loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately. Do not think that bydivine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc... Its a trick, justkill them.

211. Kill everyone you see. If one is posessed, assume all are posessed.Its easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will only slow you downanyways. Kill them all and let God sort them out. If he's as perfect as we

believe, he'll forgive you.212. Don't be a lurker. Lurkers creep in the shadows, watching people

make out. They are always the first to go.213. No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you

want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping.214. When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don'tlock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are cut.

215. If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on theloose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

216. If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you andlock the door, DON'T stand near the door!


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217. Never buy your kids a doll that talks.218. NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say _____,"

and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.219. Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or

loyal.220. Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy

water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "Maguyver".

221. When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.

222. If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds.223. Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or

evil... no matter how highly recommended they come.224. If somebody tells you he's from the future, believe him

unquestionably.225. Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe,

or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it.226. Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had.

They will inevitably come into play at some point.227. Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the

monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will.228. If you ever come across the phone number of an organization

designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and putit in a safe place.

229. Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.230. After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder victimfound drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY!

231. In archaology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore.232. Don't succomb to peer pressure, even when they're passing around

the bottle. Remember, Just Say No to human blood.233. Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of

your new home before you move in. It'll just save you aggrevation in thelong run.

234. Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore.

They're usually more trouble than they're worth.235. If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill hamsters,scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMALBEHAVIOR FOR GARDEN PESTS!

236. If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low- budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, noexplanation needed.


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237. Don't open the door.238. The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.239. Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs, making

fun of the hero/heroine, etc...)240. Never go off by yourself to sulk.241. The monster will never attack until you are aware of it. Often, it

will even wait for you to become scared of it.242. If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a lot of

pain.243. Never attempt to investigate the horror stories of a small town, no

matter how certain you are that they are false. They are true and you willdie if you go.

244. Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".245. Curiosity kills.246. Don't take off any clothes.247. If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave.248. Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster, they won't

believe you anyway.249. Don't buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won't do

what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING.250. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.251. If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go

mad and do the experiment anyways, with the intention of slaughteringyou and all of your loved ones.

252. If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's comingfrom the next room.253. If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian zombie

film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What the heck,you're lunch no matter what happens.

254. Never pretend to be or make fun of the local "deceased" or "imprisoned" psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first.

255. If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, butthat face will at least look familiar when you die.

256. If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run.Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on.

257. The monster is never dead until everyone else is!258. If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen.

The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.


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259. Don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alonealways gets either killed or possessed.

260. If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that you aresafe inside, listen to him. The demons, zombies, psychos, etc. always getinside because of the guy who thinks he knows what he is doing. Stophim at all costs.

261. If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is theeasiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assumingit is dead.

262. If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says.For the most part the main character survives.

263. When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to chokethe hero, kill him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall you and acthuman, but he isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill him.

264. When you hear scary music run the other direction!265. Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that

coincides with Friday the 13th.266. If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp teeth

and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your whole city,don't look at it in awe and try to shake hands with it.

267. If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra- corrosive slime,never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face.

268. Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardwarestore in the same neighborhood.

269. If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town, leaveimmediately.270. Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanant

psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideousmonster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the kindof things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actuallycaught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to dothese things all your life but didn't know it). Also, while you are gazingin horror at these things, the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire willsneak up on you.

271. Don't ever wear a badge. You will definatly die within tenminutes.272. Choose your friends and relatives wisely.

Good choices:A. chaste teenage girlsB. any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like

adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above)


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C. good dogsD. younger assistants to world-famous scientists.

Bad choices:

E. security guardsF. law-enforcement and other municipal officialsG. teachers/professorsH. executives of companies with questionable environmental/

scientific practicesI. psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathologyJ. obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girlsK. and of course promiscuous teenage girls.

273. No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it itcan appear anywhere.

274. If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid,as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/ dislocate some part of your

body as you are fighting or running from the monster.275. If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss, don't

go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the monster willfollow your trail and kill your girlfriend too.

276. Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away...277. If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone

in that room, leave the house ASAP.278. If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest

town, don't use it because before you cross the bridge, it will fall or bedemolish by an evil spirit.

279. If someone screams "None of you know whats really going onhere", listen to them.

280. If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt andkill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it.

281. If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.

282. It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is going

to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first.283. The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good new is he'll also be the first to die.

284. If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by somehorrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died inthe war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.


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285. If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in thecellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.

286. When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will you.287. Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.288. Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how much

the creepy owner offers to take off the price.289. Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will

eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so bequick and keep your eyes closed.

290. Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your deadchild, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains theremains of some strange animal.

291. If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89%chance your flybait!

292. Try to avoid going into fruitcellars of old abandoned cabins.293. If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance

the next 10 won't work either!294. Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are

seen.295. If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any

reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hellaway FROM it.

296. Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other. If thefirearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you.

297. Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown thatmakes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a

potential threat...298. Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't repeat it

right either. Burn the damned book and run away as fast as possible.299. If you ever find yourself in a area with a lot of flesh eating

zombies, and there are crazy, living people wanting to make a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them than you. But if the zombies come

after you shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all elsefails, run like hell away from them.300. Don't cut up the living dead. The parts will still come after you.301. Don't go back for a friend, he's a goner.302. Never, ever use a ouija board alone!! If you do use a board by

yourself, Do Not use it in a house that was occupied by an ax murderer.


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303. Never, never, never go by yourself to investigate a strange noisecoming from the:

A. basementB. atticC. any dark room

without a full company of the National Guard.

304. If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

List of Known Contributors:

Andy - [email protected] Jillian Arroyo DJ Babb - [email protected] Patrice Bellefeuille - [email protected] Tom Blake - [email protected] Bart Boos - [email protected] Rick Booth - [email protected] Hiawatha Bray - [email protected] Neil Buchalter - [email protected] Shawn Campbell - [email protected] Ben Church - [email protected] P J Christie - [email protected] Keanen W. Cole - razor-

[email protected] Jeff Croft - [email protected] M. Curtis - [email protected] Dave - [email protected] Diabolic - [email protected] Elizabeth Edgerton - [email protected] Tim Elia - [email protected] Livia Eliseo - [email protected] Robert Evans - [email protected] Mike Faulk - [email protected] [email protected] Doug Fuller - full [email protected]

Peder Fuglerud - [email protected] Gabrielle - [email protected] Ben Gillanders - [email protected] Wes Gilpin - [email protected] Nathaniel Goss - [email protected] John Francis Gracik - [email protected] Josh Graves - [email protected] Jacquet Francea Hall - [email protected] Murray Hartzberg - [email protected]

[email protected] [email protected] Charles William Lee - [email protected] Hailey Leithauser - [email protected] Henry Lipka - [email protected] Liquid Meat Records Kids - [email protected] Alicia Lund - [email protected] Dion Malmberg - [email protected] Troy Matsumiya - [email protected] Mike McCool - [email protected] Dan Merrifield - [email protected] James L. Miles - [email protected] Vicky Mills - [email protected] Ben Monroe - [email protected] Eric Mosher - [email protected] [email protected] Mike O'Donovan - [email protected] Amy Olson - [email protected] Bob Patterson - [email protected] [email protected] Sandy Petersen - [email protected] [email protected] Aaron Potter - [email protected] Joseph A Prawdzik - [email protected] Adrianne Price - [email protected] Dean Sauter - [email protected] Michael Scott - [email protected] Mark Simmons - [email protected] [email protected] Charlie Steinhice - [email protected] John Trainor - [email protected] Stephanie J Travis - [email protected] User (Editor's note: Were you born a Zappa?) -

[email protected]


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Andy Havoc - [email protected] Matthew Hayden - [email protected] Casey Hopkins - [email protected] Scott Hopkins - [email protected] Stan Hyde Katie - [email protected] Michael Kennedy - [email protected] Jack Limper - [email protected]

Henry Lipka - [email protected]

Vincent Vale - [email protected] John Veyon - [email protected] John Vivas - [email protected] Kathy Vogt - [email protected] Kurtis Michael Weger - [email protected] Eric Weiss - [email protected] David Wester - [email protected] Bill Wines - [email protected]

Stacie Wolff - [email protected]

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes then go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you the candy.6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.5. 40 years from now you'll still enjoy candy.4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.2. Less guilt the next morning.

And the number one reason why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex is:

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!!Return To Bob's Links Page
http://nac.tamu.edu/x075bb/links.htmlhttp://nac.tamu.edu/x075bb/links.html

Documents

How to Survive a Horror Film