How to Survive a Sharknado by Andrew Shaffer - Dinoshark Excerpt

8/12/2019 How to Survive a Sharknado by Andrew Shaffer - Dinoshark Excerpt

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Copyright 2014 by Universal Television Networks. Licensed by Syfy Ventures.

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown

Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House

Company, New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random

House LLC.

Sharknado is a trademark and copyright of The Global Asylum Inc. Syfy is a

trademark of Universal Studios. Licensed by Syfy Ventures 2014. All rights

reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN 978-0-553-41813-2

eBook ISBN 978-0-553-41814-9

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Illustrations by Michael Lee

Book design by Chad Tomlinson

Cover design by Richard Yoo

Back cover illustrations by Michael Lee

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First Edition


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VITALS

ALSO KNOWN AS: Pliosaur

FIRST OBSERVED: Puerto Vallarta, Mexico (2010) EST. MAX.

SPEED: Unknown HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Water-Polo Players,

Cabin Boys LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Saltwater THREAT TO

HUMANITY: RISK OF ENCOUNTER: FINS WTF

FACTOR:

DESPITE THE NAME, THE DINOSHARK ISNT A

shark. It isnt even a fish. This spiked, armored go-

liath is a sea reptile of the phylum Pliosauridae. Ar-

chaeologists believed they went extinct 150 million

years agountil one was killed in Mexico this cen-

tury. Dinosharks have also been sighted in Japan, New Zealand, and

North Carolina.

STUDY n n n IN 2007, A large aquatic animal attacked a boat off

the coast of Alaska The creature swallowed the ships emergency

DINOSHARK


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156 PART TWO: MONSTERS

position-indicating radio beacon (EPIRB). In 2010, authoritiestracked the EPIRB to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, the site of additional

boat attacks. Survivors reported seeing a twenty-foot-long, horned

sea creature. One witness went so far as to call it a dinoshark. Ma-

rine biologist Carol Brubaker didnt believe a prehistoric shark was

terrorizing the Mexican coast.

The mighty megalodon went extinct 1.5 million years ago. It sim-

ply wasnt possible that it had returned, she says. It had to be some-

thing else, like the newly discovered swamp shark (see SWAMP

SHARK). When the dinoshark surfaced long enough for her to get

a good look at it, she was speechless. This was a creature older than

the megalodon by over a hundred million years.

When the dinoshark tore apart one of Brubakers friends, things

became personal. Trace McGraw, a full-time drifter and part-time

tour guide, shared her vendetta. Rita Valdez fed me, McGraw says

of their mutual friend. We were six or seven. I guess I was the poor

kid with no lunch money. So every day, this girl Rita would come to

school with an extra lunch. That was the first time that I ever tasted

food made with love.

Rather than waiting for military reinforcements, Brubaker and

McGraw took the matter into their own hands. After a grueling hunt,

they finally lodged a harpoon through the dinosharks eye and into its

brain. By then, the prehistoric man-eaters death toll was well into

double digits, including half of Mexicos Olympic-bound womens

water-polo teama devastating blow to the world of sport.

AVOID n n n PUERTO VALLARTA WAS once named La ciudad ms

amigable del mundo(the friendliest city in the world, not to be con-

fused with the friendliest city in the galaxy, Mos Eisley). Multitudes

of tourists visit Puerto Vallartas resorts every year, making it one of

the most popular vacation spots in Mexico Unfortunately the more


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DESTRUCTION IF BY SEA 157

people in the water, the more kicking and splashing feet to attract the

attention of predators.

Go somewhere else on vacation, someplace cold. There

are plenty of other places to vacation. Like Alaska. On second

thought, maybe thats not such a great idea eitherthe dinoshark

was originally thawed from an Alaskan glacier.

Make your next vacation a staycation.Order takeout. Catch

up on your Netflix queue. Relax around the house. Unless, ofcourse, you live in Puerto Vallarta.

Dinoshark vs. MegalodonAs stated earlier, dinosharks arent sharks. This is good news. If

a prehistoric shark on the scale of the megalodon were to return

today, it would dwarf the so-called dinoshark by at least ten feet.

American actor and sharkophile Wil Wheaton called the megalodon

one of the coolest megasharks ever . . . This thing was freaking

huge, with teeth the size of an adult humans hand . . . [but] it is

very, very extinct. Or is it, Wil?

Dinoshark Megalodon

Weight 545 tons 100+ tons

Length 1250 feet 60+ feet

Tooth Length

(Diagonal)

45 inches 7+ inches

Bite Strength 1018 tons 20+ tonsDiet Fish, sea dinosaurs,

marine reptiles

Whales, fish,

squids

Lived 199.665.6 million

years ago

281.5 million years

ago


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158 PART TWO: MONSTERS

SURVIVE n n n YOU WENT TO the beach. We dont blame you. It

was a nice day. You just wanted to feel the sand between your toes.

But now theres a dinoshark swimming your way.

Get out of the water.This applies to all water-based threats inthis chapter. Whatever you do . . . GET OUT OF THE WATER!

Especially if someone is yelling at you in all caps, GET OUT OF

THE WATER!

Dont be a hero.If someone is treading water close by while a

dinoshark circles, you may think of jumping in to save him or her.

For some reason, people love jumping in the water when someone

is in need. Altruism? Heroism? Stupidity? When a dinoshark is inthe water, youre not only sacrificing yourselfyoure overfeeding

the monster.

The best defense is a good offensespecifically, a harpoon

gun. If youre on a boat, your options are limited. Dinosharks

can swim as fast as any boat, and strike a hole through the hull as

well. While the Puerto Vallarta dinoshark measured twenty feet,

adults can grow up to fifty feetmeaning it could easily punch ahole in a Regal Islands International cruise ship. Fight back, or

WEIRD SCIENCE

Carol Brubaker believes the dinoshark was woken from a state of

suspended animation when the Alaskan glacier it was in thawed.

Climate change caused the glacier to break, unleashing the

150-million-year-old sea reptile. I study organisms living at below-

normal temperatures, cryptobiologist Dr. Simon Otis says. As

bizarre as it sounds, some arctic species develop antifreeze proteins

that allow them to go into a state of hibernation when tempera-

tures dip too low. Its highly improbable that a prehistoric speciescould survive in ice for millions of years. But is it out of the ques-

tion? No.


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DESTRUCTION IF BY SEA 159

become the next victim. According to McGraw, the creatures ex-terior is resistant to gunfire and grenade blasts. The weak spots

are its mouth and eyes. Possibly its genitals, though we dont rec-

ommend taking the time to look for those. A harpoon through an

eye stopped the Puerto Vallarta dinoshark. Thats a difficult shot

to make, even for an experienced marksman at close range. But

we have faith in you. Well just be waiting right . . . over . . . here . . .


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How to Survive a Sharknado by Andrew Shaffer - Dinoshark Excerpt