: you are turning the pages 0f.a satirical publication. It is possible that the simple act of\reading will cause you t o be

,OeFFEN-DED while you're'sitting there, deciding if you're going t o con- tinue onward and read some of our funniest articles to date, take a look at this advertise- ment.

It was published in the Chevron (UWfs precur- sor t o imprint) on Fri-

No jake. Grck K dub is establishing a campus

manpower center to arrange part

Think anyone could get time work for students this fa#. pkrn

away with printing an to rwisier at our desk at t-e.egis)rat.ion,

advertisement like that these days? USED BOOK STORE

,

- For the uninitiated, Misprint is a chance for us todaugh at ~urselves. No individual or group is safe, especially our own staff, end everything is intended t o be taken in the spirit of humdur.

- -- -- - -- - - - - -- -- ---

Misprint UW's Official ~ t u d d ~ ~ a t i r e misprint,uwaterloo.ca

This Week April 1,2002 Vol. 24 No. 7

The Mail

Overtired

7 The Year That Wasn't Osama bin Laden found at UW; Laurier students found to be shrinking; RIM buys city for $200 milhon.

Housing Approved Sex

1 3 Covers you'll Never See

'12, COVER 12 Misprint Universities MISPRINT UNIVERSITIES RANKING ISSUE Ranking Issue Don't hate us because k e know way more about ranking ufiiversities than you do. The Our annual ranking of the best

honest truth is that you& just jealous that we thought of it first. Maybe if you'd and the worst that Canadlan

beaten us to it, your schodl woulddt be in 12th place for library holdtngs. No whining, universities have to offer. Gener-

just honest (and compieteJy Eablie~ted) reporting. ally that means why we're better than everyone else.

FE&T$IRES 14 Feature: Trading Spaces l "I Covers You'll Never See In what we hope will become a time-honoured 9 Entertainment ~~t~~ tradition, Misprint is proud to present five of our best alternate covers; those head- lines that would be unfit to print in any other medtum. Enjoy. Election Notebook

14 Trading Spaces In what is rapidly becoming a cult-classic, TLC's Trading Spaces ~ Q L U M ~ ~ S made a pit-stop in lowly Waterloo to inflict cheapo design on Imprint and WIRG.

Mark A. Schaan 20 Election Notebook We peer into the mind of a lowly campaign manager as he tries to win the election whde fending off rabid squirrels and candidates. Ryan Matthew Merkley

Misprint 1s @ The contents of thls publication are a satirfcal commentary, meted out leest should be cons~dered as proof positwe that Me IS replete with product of: on behalf of the students of the University of Waterloo, by thp volun- Irony, and most people are dumber than you glve them credit for.

teers at Imprint, the official student newpaper. If you're one of those people that can't take a joke-and there are a ~ n y similarity to ~ndlvlduals or situatfons existing in the past, present lot of you outthere - put thls magazine down right away, before some-

or future are purely a result of some sick cos@c comcidence, or at one gets hurt.

Misprint I April 1, 2002 1

.

I'm a Rhodes schola;and;oufre not

I used to have to prove to people how why you wentphere, just tell them that I smart I am. Ever since I got a Rhodes toId you ta$&nember4 hph-$ w d e s scholarship, though, I don't even have scholar, &d 6 d r e not (md ;leiheris +e

to try. person t a m g toyou)! 7si I've always known that I was pretty Rhodes rhymes with a buqth of:&&&,

smart; now, everyone else thinks that I am like abodes, rodds, toa&ic$<*a,**&$$- too. Like this one girl in my class who, less other examples; l , t $ ~ p 9 2 $ ~ ~ e & ~ t after making some nonsensical argument, makes being a Rhadrs, sqhk& & e l . looked over at me and said, "Right, And I s h o d how, sin&? I' iun a ~ $ & s

.&-'1_+

Mark?' What a dumb broad! scholar. + -.% - t A ,*

Let me tell you, being a Rhodes scholar Now, you might ictually know dme- isn't easy. I get dl these ridmlous e-mails thing about the Rhodes scholarship and from strange students (sort of like when be wondering how an obviously gay dude I was Feds VPEd) asking for fny opinion like myself is a &odes schblar when cri- on all sorts of matters. Such is the price terion for the award used to bemanliness. of being a Rhodes scholar. Don't worry Well that rule was abolished quinque though, since you are not a Rhodes quinquennia ago (that's 25 years ago, for scholar, you won't ever have these prob- the nok-modes scholars), when women lems. were allawed to apply for the scholarship.

When I'm at the opera, the movers and So now you know how I was able to be- shakers of K-%' smile and wave at me. come a Rhodes scholar when I am quite The mayor walks across crowded rooms obviously not a big macho heterosexual. just ,to speak to me. Of course, these Let me summarize for the computer , people are small time. Do you know other geeks: Rhodes scholars? Try former most-pow- me == Rhodes scholar; erful-man-in-the-world Bill Clinton. Or you != Rhodes scholar; former most-reviled-man-in-Ontario Bob My intention with &us article is to con- Rae. That's the kind of company I'm in. vey what it's like to be a Rhodes scholar,

Did you know that I've had meetings which I am, so I know these things.'you, with the Honourable Pad Martin, minis- as a non-Rhodes scholar, couldn't possi- ter of finance, and Izzy Asper, kingpin bly copprehend what it's like without this of GanWest? You get to have these meet- article. Beally, it's all for your benefit. And ings yhen you're a Rhodes scholar. Which that's what Rhodes scholars, k e me, do I am, by the way. A R-H-O+-E-S scholar. d t h ~ time: make selfless sacriCc& for

So I'm a Rhodes scholar and you're not. the benefit of the herd (oops! I mean Don't debpair. There's ro~p in this world demos). While I'm off at Oxford, I'U think for all sorts of people, Rhodes scholars fondly of .CJ& I hope that, wherever you and non-Rhodes s&lars. Maybe yov'll are that's mo,s';Qxford, you'll $-ink fondly get a scholarship to Trent for yourmas- 1 of me. Adieu, ter's. Really, Trent is a great school, Don't - . belkve anyone who tells you otherwise. Trust me when I say that there are a jot of hot studs there. Hey, if anyone asks you

imsmarterthanyou@misprint.ca to comment on From the Assistaht Editor

2 Misprint I April 1,2002

Yours to carry. m o ex and muscles and en K ance cardiovascular function ...

Southern Darkness GARGANTUA Association of Canada www.aonad.org

Intellectual ho ns. Hired Goons. I just wanted to write a quick letter to Do you have a prof you'd like to "ex- congratulate you on some of the excel- tract" better marks from? Does your land- lent journalism I have found within your lord or landlady need a "reminder" of his paper. In particular, Aaron Lee-Wudrick's or her duties? Would you like that annoy- , column has been right on the mark. His ing, know-~t-all student in your class "si- opinions on the deregulation of tuition, lenced"? on the uselessness of religion and espe- If so, then contact your nearest mem- Ugly Squirrels cially on Greg Macdougall were so true. ber of the Warriors football team. We'd Now I've read a lot of angry letters lately If elected, I promise to take a page from like to "give back" t g the students who on these pages. People bantering back and '

my f5iend Jim Flaherty and have have provided-us with so much support forth, "There are no good looking girls Macdougall and all those silly communists through the years. on campus." Boohoo. "On our first date arrested and jailed for intellectual home- You haw, spendmg all our money on he wanted me to solve his Rubix's Cube." lessness. booze and going on drunken rampages Cry me a river!

So, once again, congratulations to Lee- has its charm. But the problem is, when Try being a young, vigorous, outgoing Wudrick for all his brave and salient opin- we vake up - we have no money! So squirrel looking for action on this cam- ions. (And congratulations also to the we're offering our services to you, the pus. Now I know what you're going to newly-elected Feds executives. I'm look- cowering masses. say. "Hey Chuckles, there's a milliori ing very forward to continbing our rela- For the price of getting us hammered, fucking squirrels on campus, one stole my tionship.) we're open to performing any act of com- damn cookie last night." But take a closer Elizabeth Witmer, K-W MPP mon thuggery you require. look my, friend. They're all practically

, Consider us, the Warriors football team, undateable.

Thanksfo'thaprops f o ~ y o ~ n e x t e v e n t . Everywhere YOU look, there's squirrels M~ and my peeps just wanted to say that "The Smart One", UW Warriors football team dgging in dumpsters (would you want to

Greg Macdougall is the phattest shit to hss that mouth?), delinquent squirrels

hit this paper since ink. He speaks it like Fashion Action Group runrung vans off the road and some with

it is and always represents. Even tho' he in Ttanys was really the last the most horrible tail-do's you'll ever see.

be of the lighta' persuasion we know tha straw. I t is time for action! For too long A squirrel's gotta have a little acorn now

he be opressed 2nd repressed by tha' man the poorly dressed and scruffy looking and again. You know what I'm saying?

just like da rest of us brothers. My agent have been looked down upon by ms Now all I'm asking for is a hot mama with

sez thanks for da free plugs. self-described fashion elite. It's potten to a big bushy tail\ and long luscious whisk-

Peace out. Oubkast, Macdougall's rap idol

MOW 20 R ~ ~ C I P US by e-mail (no e-mail, please) For letters to the editor, press releases, story proposals: please fuck right off. With letters, please supply yourself with the sufficient wherewtthal to realize that we are not a real fucking publication. You're an ass. Your stupid opinions will never appear in this COMPLETELY FICTIONAL publication. For subscriptions or delivery problems: see "what to do with letters and press releases" section above, Same goes for complaints. Address: Misprint Publications, Why are you reading this7 We have no address you stupid moron. This is all make-believe, likc when you kiss your pillow a little too passionately at night. You think nobody knows7 Fuck, we know. Get a life.

4 Misprint I April 1, 2002 - - -

" the point where one can't wear a pair of ers. Is that too much?

grey track pants or a Tazmanian Devil t- Chuckles, the Squirrel.

shtrt withoit get ridiculed by some preppy know-it-all in a Gap sweater and Diesel For s hit's sake, help ! Jeans. We will no longer be oppressed by I don't have much time so I'll be brief. these prideged few Unfortunately, our It's me, Dave Ellis, Feds presidential can- WPIRG action group has met with lim- didate. 17ve been imprisoned for the last ited success. It's time for direct a chn , the two months, preverited from participat- more radical the better. ing in the election.

The Fashion Action Group will resist The day before the first election forum, these colonialist clothiers until they release I was just addmg one last quote from Plato us from their Calvin Klein tyranny. No to my speech, when suddenly, hired goons one wearing Prada, Danier or even It: burst Into my room. One man, identify- Chateau will be safe from our terrible ing himself only as "the Reverend of wrath. Be warned. Pain," clubbed me over the head with a

The Fashon Action Group will have its cross and then they stuffed me into a sack. first terror meeting next Wednesday in I don't have much time, I think some- MC 4052. Orange drink will be served. body's coming. For God's sake, help me! The Fashion Action Group Dave Ellis, Feds catpdidate/political prisoner

Overt ired dited by Melon Stupidhead with Flobee Meow

log to decide next Feds election he screw-ups in this year's ' Lawless admits that having a ederation of Students elec- psychic dog choose candi- on have prompted outgoing dates lends about as much eds president Yaacov lland validity to the election proc- >take radical steps to reform ess as having 12 per cent le process "in the hopes of voter turnout. "I've got a paring the fresh meat from magic eight ball you can bor- iis seventh level of hell." row forthe next Misprint elec- Due to budget constraints tions too," he added. nd a lack of applicants for the To lend an air of impartiality make a simple list of current to.this decision, Illand hired tudents" job the Feds posted former Feds president Chris ~ i t h co-op last term, all future Farley as a short-term consult- lections will be decided by a ant to the Feds. While often sychic dog. The change was accused of poor judgement, 3jected by student's council Farley has never been ac- nd will become effective cused of indecisiveness. lay 1,2002. "First I decided ktudents "You think you can do &bet- should get a1 fee increase to ?r job?" quipped Illand. "We ' pay for the dog, then I decided eally didn't have much to take the increase to a refer- hoice. Either we changed endum, then I decided the ie process or UW admin was admin should take care of it; oing to do it for us." then I decided that that bottle Statistics professor Jerry of scotch looked better in me

and rel,iable as the current system, aria less expensive.

than on the shelf." tee decisions - some were lland declined to reveal unperturbed. Amazingly, they

Farley'sfee, but a Feds insider told Misprint, if you don't suggested we contact Feds vote, you won'tfind the proc- accountant Arthur Andersen. ess frustrating at all.

While many students had Newly elected Feds presi- expressed frustration with the dent Brenda Slomka told Mis- electi,on and referendum print she objected to being processes - including the called fresh meat. subjectivity of election com- Robert Mugabe,

mittee and appeals comrnit- Misprint Election Advisor

mathNEWS accidentally publishes news article UW's marhNEWS, a student- other student run publication that mysteri- was equally ously appears every other puzzled. "I week, made waves last Friday just can't understand it. It's when it published an article like my last CS 342 assign- that contained facts and had ment. If I wanted news, I'd a point. The article, written by read Imprint, or some other Peter S. Love,.described prob- boring-ass rag." lems with UW's computer sci- When asked why the article ence program. was published, mathNEWS

' Math students stood stunned in the halls bf the MC after the issue's release. In the comfy lounge, a 20-sided die rotled silently across a table like a tumbleweed. One stu- dent, who requested anonym- ity, said, "I don't know what the hell's gotten into those bastards in the closet." An-

editors were of different opin- ions. "We thought that stu- dents would be concerned about the developments," said Love. "Hey, if I had seen that, I would have deleted it immediately. mathNEWS isn't a damn newspaper," said ad- other editor.

Messy Helmet's brother

Misprint I April 1,2002 5

Leafs retain Great One It's been a long time coming, but Toronto Maple Leafs coach Pat Quinn is optimistic that this season his team will not only make it to the Staniey Cup playoffs, but actually look like they belong tHefe.

So pumped is Quinn thgt he's taken to The road to sell his vision of a winning team and its winning strategy. Last weekend he was in Brantford to announce that the Leafs, a team that hasn't swilled from Lord Stanley's Cup since Lester I? kept Paul Martin Sr. f rom becoming PM, has signed Wayne Gretzky for $20 million.

"We've analyzed the plays . . . we've learned so much,' and we've concluded that the only way to win the Cup is to bury Wayne here at centre ice. If a .loonie can help us whobp redneck Yankee ass - and 5- 2 is an ass-whooping -just think what 20,000 large will do!"

Gretzky was on hand for the announcement. "It's a mo- mentous occasioh for the Leafs," he said, fighting back tears.

"The Olympics were great," said Quinn. "A wider rink, no red line. What a catalyst. What passion!"

anchor Ron Maclean would later claim to have seen him mouth "thirty-seven" while makilig a slurping motion).

When National Post vamp Christie Blatchford told Quinn NHL president Gary Bettman didn't believe burying the Great One at centre ice was allowed - but that he'd allow

it anyway since it probably wouldn't make any difference - Quinn shook his head. "You're fucking wi th m y karma," he told her. -

"We were almost there last year," Quinn insisted, handing the Great One a hanky. "We're so close. Even that monkey- spanker [Hasekl can't get in

our way this time." ' The unevehtfld conclusion of the conference was Gretzky acoepting "2 cheque while stepping into a carbon-freez- ing chamber to demonstrate that he'd be safe. "Don't worry, Janet. I'll be bringing this home in July."

Milk Harbinger

6 Misprint I April 1, 2002

Year That Wasn't 3sama bin .aden posing is UW math rofessor

r he UW community was rocked to its foundation

i i s week when it was re- ealed that Saudi, expatriate lsama bin Laden, the alleged lastermind behind the Sep- ?mber 11 World Trade Center Racks, is working as a pro- ?ssor in UW's math faculty. "There's a prominent anti- merican living in our midst, nd we didn't know about it?" xclaimed social activist ulian l ch im at a recent EPlRG meeting, "Who spilled le milk heye:people?"

famous math professor sama bin Laden. '

"Warning, warning. Danger, ~nger l " admonished eco- )mics prdfessor Larry Smith lring his weekly briefing. "My God," deelared ex-UW ofessor Vladimir Platonov, 's the one-armed man who tacked my wife!" Despite the brewing contro- !rsy, the dean of mathemat- s stands by'+is decision. Iis C.V. really is outstand- a," Alan George told Mis- int. "He's a proven motiva- r, very organized and a illed orator. . . we decided

to overlook his extracurricu- lar activities."

Officials in human resources confirmed that bin Laden had been on the payroll since last October. closer inspection of a video bin Laden appeared in last November also re- vealed that,the dusty green backdrop is not a desett-cam- ouflage tent as was reported by CNN, but is in fact the CS club couch.

"Yep, that's our couch," ad- mit ted CS Club treasurer Melissa Basinger. "What could we do? You should see his Perl code! And he had his

two dollars." Canada's most powerful

men, in town to press flesh and sign another SuperBuild cheque, also brushed off. the news. ' "We don' let no terroristes in to Canada, hein?" insisted Prime Minister Jean Chrritien. "Dat photo looks like my cousin Raymond - 'e works 'ere now."

Ontario premier Mike Harris was uninterested: "If it's not Osama bin Golfin', I don't fuckin' care."

Hours after the discovery, the FBI released a statement:

"Since learning that bin Laden is holed up west of Toronto, our agents have taken up po- sitions in Vancsuver and at the Vermont-Ontario border, ready to assist the RCMP in putting the squeeze on the world's most wanted man."

Math student Jennifer Lee was both shocked and sur- prised by the revalation. "Come to think of it, he does ask a lot of 'If Jane is in a plane heading east and Ahkmed Abu al-Jaffar is in a plane heading west' questions," said Lee.

Ghost of Pierre Trudeau

Misprint I April 1, 2002 7

Cone Green exhales degrees

S ituated on the cusp of a project Puff 'n' Share will cel- rolling hill overlooking a ebrate its 25th anniversary -

picturesque creek, Cone a quarter century of taking Green College is well-placed. two puffs and then passing. The college is Canada's first The program has been an in- post-secondary institution to spiration for many, and simi- have rolled the study of can- lar projects have sprung up nabis into its curriculum. across the county. '

Cone Green offers courses in This year also marked the packing, rolling, smoking and departure of the project's hempfarming. In addition, the head, Comrade Blunts, who Peace and Marijuana Studies left to share his vision of har- program is widely respected, mony with the world. He's

Rowell Erbup, director of missed by staff and students theprogram,explained:"Alot alike. A graduate student of places have peace and con- painted a portrait of a person flict programs, but It's like, with personality: "Blunts why would we want to study could carry a class without conflict? It's such a downer." even showing up. Sometimes

Visitors to campus are hard- Blunts would leave us a five- pressed to ignore the sweet gram cone with a note read- smells when students rise ing, 'Inhale the sess, exhale from bed at 4:2O pim. With so the stress.' We all learned many young people smoking something on those days." spliffs, and with Cone Green In addition to faculty like being the only college in the Blunts, the ,college's cafeteria country offering ganja stud- is known campus-widefor its ies, demand is high. special brownies.

This year, the college's ope Smoke

City of Cambridge unveils plans for student ghetto

T he city of Cambridge has taken another step to-

wards becoming a university town, unveiling plans for-its own student ghetto.

The city will soon be home to the UW school of architec- ture and city planners have noticed a critical shortage of substandard, ugly and gener- ally shitty housing in the neighbourhoods surrounding the new school, a necessity for proper student accommo- dations.

After a lengthy consultation period with Waterloo slum lords, frat boys and residents of Columbia street, the city has produced detailed plans to create an authentic student living environment. "Our ghetto will be twice as ghetto

8 Misprint I April 1, 2002

as Waterloo's ghetto ever was," boasted Cambridge Mayor Doug Craig.

The plan has a number of components. The new stu- dent district will have its gar- bage service reduced to one collection per month, and sanitation personnel have been directed to kick every second garbage can into the middle of the road to create a realistic student environment. All furniture currently inside student housing will be moved to the lawn, and a strict ban on grass cutting will be introduced.

Under the new plan, cur- tains will be replaced with old stahed Star Wars bed sheets. Any students caught painting or otherwise beautifying their

residences will subsequently fined and evicted.

Local residents have also been encouraged to throw unwanted chesterfields, mi- crowaves and other useless garbage into the student dis- trict instead of the dump. "One generous donor has al- ready left his Dodge Aries upside-down, on one of the lawns," said an excited Craig.

All of the homes selected for degradation have had their heavy appliances modified to meet student's low standards. The ovens have all been pushed up against the refrig- erators to ensure that neither of them will ever operate at the correct temperature. The washing machines have now been equipped with a special

overflow feature to keep basements suitably dank and smelly.

Local merchants have been asked to pitch in by moving novelty items, like newspaper boxes and reaf estate signage, to locations facilitating easy theft. It is expected that it will take six to eight months of dedicated theivery until the ghetto is suitably full of ridicu- lously stupid stolen items.

Waterloo Mayor Lynn Wolstencroft laughed off sug- gestions that Cambridge's ghetto coutd ever rival that of Waterloo: ' I personally threw my old mattress on Columbia Street last night. Let's see if mayor Craig can beat that kind of dedication."

Crass E.T., Ghetto Fool

3ured with-the title- "King of ?IMville:!3Me is to receive a ;ceptrqccmwn jewels and an ~ffice, cd)~nglHe with ;I witer- Bll, live palm tfeesandta pet- ing zoo, td be constructed in ,lace of city hall laterthis year. The city has since budgeted

6500 million to cover the

casts of renaming at! city sew- ices and private companies bearing the name "Waterloo." This money will be taised pri- marily through the sponsored renaming of the city's staff members. "It's a great way to raise funds," commented RIM staffer Hermione Fitzpatrick,

who, for $%PO, sponsored the recteff to apply for city jobs at renaming of city clerk Jim www.fimjbb.~om, but the do- Smith. Jim RIM was n& avail- main.?~r)&&I& @ysteriously able fos:oqmrnent, but Lynne takerrl. k&~&.~ ldns to con- Woolstencroft-RIM said ishe t i n u e ' ~ & . = ~ ~ p ~ r & naming thought the new names were scheme, and w@%e meeting long overdue. with Tim Mbrt~n's senior ex-

Prospective RIMvilke em- '~%otiuhcdlab~ihis week. ployees w u l d have been di- Slagda KdczngrpdnpdgMk

' 1

VVh-a& that - s w I? TW entrepreneurial spirit is alive and Uckinb at UW. A group of studentskin the en- terprise co-op program have come up with a brilliant idea.

he idea is simple: an inno- vative cologhe, bottling the scent from the Math comfy lounge. "It's so easy, how else can \jou recreate memories and bring back the nostalgia, than by using the scent?" asked,one student.

The new scents will appear under the brand name CS-1. The students intend to target nostalgic math alumni and potential CS students.

Fozzie Beat

Misprint I April 1,2002 9

--

10 Misprint l April 1, 2002

All the covers you never saw , , .

Misprint I April 1,2002 11

CAMPUS CONFIDENTIAL Misprint% study puts the University of Waterloo on top . . . forever

fter years of scorn for in adequate mechanisms of ranking universities in Canada, we here at Mi.$wifit A have listened and are proud

to unveil a compIetely new methodology for testing greatness. Not surprisingly, however, little has changed in terms of the winners and losers (it's pretty hard to find a rankmg that codd make a school full of morons look psetty good - our apologies to the University of Manitoba).

Part of the new methodology involve changes to better reflect the real nature of our university divisions. Whde previ- ously grouped as Primarily Undergradu- ate, Comprehensive and Medical Doc- toral, universities will now be featured in the "budget,'! "not quite a real university" and "almost a real university" categories. Not surprisingly, the University of Water-

loo has retained its number one spot in research and teaching. Waterloo retained the "not quite a real university" category. its position largely due to the newly-cre- Pact of their strength once again lies in ated ra&hgcriteria, which included "low- their continuing growth in the "courses est student voter turnout," "least inter- not taught in Enghsh" category. This year, . esting buildings" and "most courses the entire growth was achieved almost sin- taught by a machine." gle-handedly by the faculty of Mathemat- Iii a s h o c h g revelation, the University ics. Miqrint was imprqssed not only with of Guelph slipped five spots due to the sheer't-olurne of these courses, but fraudulent submissions over the past also with the variety of languages offered, number of years. It appears that the uni- including broken English. versity's student awards office had been

UW President Johnston had a different counting the blue ribbons won by each explanation for the success. 'We continue cow and pig as students with scholarships to do great things because our kids con- attending the university. While sttmg by tinue to do nothing but study. I'm so the revelation, the university has begun a happy no one here is getting laid. I think new campaign to have the achievements we would be suffering if students here of its animals recognized in rankings. actually got 8 piece every now and again." "They're just like our students, really,': said

With a greater focus on pure academ- Cletus,,a spokesperson for the university. ics, our new ranking criteria gave extra -Due to a change in methodology, the weight to campuses that do nothing but University of Western Ontario has won

12 Misprint 1 April 1,2002

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BY SHMEESA SHMONSON and political and en6ronmental activists styrofoam newspaper, which will take up would be happiest if they could just go that entire wall, and then deal with the

T rading Spaces is the decorating show back to the safety of the womb," sug- silverfish infq~tion." that has become the latest entertain- gested proofreader Rachel E. Beattie. P

ment craze. Armed with $1,000, a designer "And maybe we could do something The Imprinitss, used ;o late nights lay- and a carpenter, two sets of neighbours about this odour," added sports editorJon ing out the paper, worked until 5:30 a.m swap homes and redecorate one room in Willing. <'I am so glad you said that!" re- while the W I R G team held a drum cir- each other's place. plied Hiida. 'We're going to cover all of cle all night. When Hildsl decided to wan-

those issuq in one foul po,op." "You der in at noon, ~e I .u i '~~t teaq informed OII March U, Tradmg Spaces rolled its mean 'swo@g?" 'Tw'll set: , ." '

hex thatthey werd fkiphed. Surprised, she trucks onto the UW campus. Team No.1: Era& greeted Us team wirh akeidi:bb + " re*ked, "Ohy %U, $me I have a hair Imprint, with the help of pretentious de- and a quaint hdm&pm Tetras maxim: appoinyehuat Ipm, s k 7 B c d i t a day!" signer Hilda an to- om as. Team No.2: "Okay, t?vhat do& this room ~ ~ e d ? ~ Irk "Whese'are'th& co&pter$?" asked WPIRG, aided by the ostentatious Frank asked, ~ c t ~ l o u ~ ~ ~ jssid research co- Frank. "!I didb'r want $ern tp get wet, so Bielec. Both teams were questioned as to ordinatoi Shaton'~~fftenier. 'This pale I left them in th? recy~hng-bins outside what they would like and not like to see in blue has &t tdgo, & &e pink baffdlding the SLC. They're not ke?",asked Peter th& offices. "I w6dd hate to see anydung, is pretp gmss." *

- earnestly "Fra&, disple~sed: 'T'eter, you done to our very important computer sys- h v i n g the room for o moment, Hilda are e$&s"ed, C+ sit in ,the c9rPe2 Okay, tem," saidLImpn'nt editsr-in-chief Ryan returwd wi& a wheelkrow of steam- we'rg &iBft, &me cdm@itkr ec@pm~m, Matthew Merkley. "Many of the impor- ing manure. "This," she beamed with but ,it's not a ca~astrophe.~Whde I was tant things Imptint does are contingent pride, "is our wall colour." 'You've got walking through the city dump with my upon our computers. We're really irnpor- to be kidding me," said Lisa, with obvi- Grife' the other night, I found some rela- tant, you know." Iqr int staff agreed on ous exasperation at Hilda's retardation. t i d y ufiused cardboard boxes. I'll just run their importa'nce. Proofreader Lisa Jon piped up9 'Well, it is organic." and get those." After some fancy crayon Johnson said, "It's vital that Imprinters Downstairs, Frank revealed his colour action and the clever use of twine as com-

t have lots of places on whch to sleep and ,pallette: "This is the dark green for the puter cables, the cardboard boxes were have sex. Our main couch is currently first layer of our faux fhish, whch we'll placed on the desks, and the Iqnirters

ADINGSPACES TLC comes to UW campus for the first of

being propped up by a'dictionary, so it roll on. And then 'put on this pea green - ..

would be nice i f Amy Wynn could do with toilet paper. Finally, we dab on ths something about that." "Fuck off," re- lime green using our thumbs and big sponded carpenter Amy Wynn Pastor, toes." After painting, the WPIRGers "I'm not touching that stanky thing!" moved on to slip-covering the couches.

WPIRG projects co-ordinator Daryl Since Amy Wynn refused to touch them, Nov+ offered his only condition for their Frank decided to stick with the oripals. office: "Organic. We want as much of our "There's an old saying in Texas: 'If it ain't decor as possible to come from the envi- broke, don't fix it,"' he said, oblivious to ronrnent." Storage isn't a key requirement the fact &at &e couch is in fact broke. for WPIRG since it doesn't really do any- thing important. "Eht," said Narina Nagra, Day one came to a close with Hilda no- volunteer coordinator, "sometimes the where to be found, but she left her team's person staffing the office during the six homework assignment stuck into the hours a week that we're open gets bored, manure wall paint: "I really hate to do this. so w wo.uld be gratefd for a computer (Ha-ha, no I doh't - I love it because to pl $; solitaire on." Hilda greeted the lm- I'm a bitch, Did I just write that down? print team, "What do you see for this Oh, shit.) First, touch up the wall where I room?" "Something organic," offered as- left this note, then trim the grass we sistant editor Mark Schaan. "They are hip- planted as carpet and paint the windows pies after all." "Dark colours, too. Dark black (two coats)." The WIRGers had a colours are representative of the womb, lighter load: "First finish the big

its Canadian shows would be none the wiser. Now for the revealing.

Togqther in a big bear hug with Paige Davis, the WPIRG team scudded into their new office. "Mmmm, it smells great!" "Is that manure on the walls? How clever!" "It's so organic! I'm never going to wanna leave here to go out and pro- test!" Joy to the WPIRG team.

Now let's see how Inprint fared . . . "I'm not telling you again, woman, let the fuck go of my hand!" yelled Ryan. Paige dragged the Ipn'nt team into their new office, The Lv@rinters gazed in stupendous awe at their office. "Balls!" yelled Melanie. "Fuck me!" contributed Lisa. 'Where are our computers?"How the hell are we going to afford to fm this?" "Easy," an- swered Inpint Board of Directors presi- dent Jesse Helrner, "we'll just increase the Inpint student fee."

14 Misprint 1 April I, 2002 a

Misprillr 1 April I , 2002 15

16 Misprint 1 April I , 2002

Campus Clips March 29,2012 lones run amok on campus Asked why ACCESS bas proved impossible to replace, a

attempt by several math students to liven up the annual CECS representative said, "We think the problem is some th Semi-Formal went horribly wrong y~sterday as their sort of demonic possession. So we're hired the Pope to come

oning experiment ended in Isaster. Math officials had, in and preform an exorcism." ed to clone 1,000 women to back up UY? president For the 15th stright year, computer engineering students ey's promise that "every math student who comes to offered to construct a new online system for absolutely noth-

terloo will get laid in first year." ing, CECS has yet to respond to the offer. When asked if the Late yesterday evening, an unidentified m3th student spilled offer might finally be actepted, a CECS representative said, s Kool-Aidinto the cloningmixture, causing approximately Well, we'd like to try our luck with the Pope first, maybe dozen clones to grow to a height of 10 feet. The math next pear."

tudents, initially excited at h s new development, were hor- Triple cohort to arrive next fall ified when their prospective dates broke up their Dungeons Waterloo wtll receive thliee times as many first-year students nd Dragons game and administered wedgies all around. this fall due to Ontario Premier Ryan O'Connor's decision 'Now I'D have to brmg my mom to the prom, again," said to compact all of high school into one year. me disappointed student. UW has a well-planned approach to deal The clones were last seen duct taping sev-

eral engineering students to trees before c\caphg off campus. UW Police have ad- \ ised students to throw rocks at any sus- pcious looking tall women. Degree in burgerology introduced UW academics broadened again today with the announcement that a bachelors in burgerology will now be available. This new program will fit nicely into UW's fac- ulty of diminshed expectations and. real life slulls, formerly know as Arts. Needes Hall is getting into the act as well, as co-op placements have been arranged at McDonald's, Burger King and Fast Eddie's. Nazareth to run again Albert Nazareth will make h s 12th bid for the Feds presi- dency this year and has promised a campaign of fear, intimi- dation and thuggery Asked about his new approach to cam- paigmng, Nazareth said, "Hey, if I'm going to get fined, I might as well make it worth it." He added that the elections procedure mandates heavy fmes for placing your posters too close to that of a another candidate, but "you can have your goons hit your rivals over the head with a chair for practically no thing!" It's ACCESS until 2022 Co-op students will have to make do with Access for an- other decade as the trained monkey that CECS hired to de- sign new co-op software choked on a banana and died. The problem is compounded by the fact that nobody either work- ing for the university or going to school here was actually alive when ACCESS was programmed. It turns out that no- body actually knows how or why ACCESS works. "It's one of those questions you just don't ask," said a CECS employee.

with this impending space crisis. Tent cit- ies will be established around all major aca- demic bduldings, new slums will be built on the playing fields, and homeless stu- dents W111 be encouraged to squat in the RIM buildings. UW president Farley sounded upbeat, saymg, "Similar measures have effectively dealt with space crises in Afghanistan, Bosnia and Rwanda."

There was less support for Farley's "UW Future Housing Plan," when it was re- vealed that his entire presentation con- sisted of nothing but old reruns of the Jetsons. Killer bees now on cambus

After years of patient waiting, UW students can now meet and greet the latest addition to our campus' bi~diversity, &r bees. Global warming has allowed the yellow and black critters to take up residence along Laurel creek. Swarms of thou- sands of bees are known to be drawn to strong body odour and their stings are quite fatal. President Farley dismissed the threat to student safety, saying, "Oh well, stinky mathies get lulled by killer bees all the time." . New rules for frosh hour Catherine Scott has introduced sweeping new regulations for UWS frosh hour after last fall's messy incident in which a first-year student drank his milkshake too fast and got an ice cream headache. Frosh hour 2012 will feature a complete ban on sugar and running with scissors. Bedtime has been moved up to 8 p.m.

Luckily, Sharon, Lois and Brahrn have been signed to re- prise last year's wonderful concert. Scott's elite PAC0 SS w d be on hand to ensure that absolutely nobod; has any fun whatsoever. m

Misprint 1 April I , 2002 17

Art found on campus

T he UW fine arts department has al- ways had a stunning reputation for

thought-provokmg art, but they have truly &done themselves this time. One stands in mardment at the sheer audacity of this new exhibit. UW fine arts is truly reach- ing out to the people, and instead of hold- ing a show at the traditional hbme of East Campus Hall, they have sprinkled instal- lations hither and thither around campus for those who are too ignorant or lazy to stumble to the art gallery. One has to ap- preciate this attempt to include the plebnns In great art.

It is rare that one can connect with art on such a visceral and intellectual level. But connect tndeed one does! The cen- trepiece of the exhibit is a stunning in- stallation with the emgrnauc title, "Vomit in Back Stairs of SLC." This piece im- proves on work by abstract artists of the 1970s, Pollock in particular. The arrange- ment of the chunks of matter is orches- trated with excellent precision. It almost brmgs tears to one's eyes and the scent of envy to one's nose.

"Brubaker Special" is another piece of pure art genius. It craftily mixes mediums such as pasta and ground beef. This work is almost impressionistic in its harsh lines. Da Vinci would have been proud. Ele-

ments blur together in a thrilling souffli., quite literally.

"Crushed Coke Can" is a powerful take on the sterility of post-modern existence. There is a definite Warhol influence in this piece, whch also reminds one of the ten- tative nature of life. Though powerful, the installa~on has a vulnerability - its 16 *utes of fame could quickly draw to a close. I think we can all identify with the emptiness invoked by tlus powerful piece. Because really, aren't we all just unwanted pop cans left out to be stepped on by the harsh realities of the world?

Several other works, including "Melting Slush," "Nike Fooqnint," "Torn Poster" and "Abandoned Cigarette," challenge

conceptions of beauty and meaning in almost Lichenstienian ways. These pieces deconstruct modern tropes of meaning, while presenting them in a completely realisuc context. One is drawn to their innocence, wanting to protect them like a small bird.

This exh~bit will leave one pensive but not sad, anxious but not afraid and alone but not unloved. Once agam LW fine arts has mounted a thrilling showcase of ex- citmg works by UW student artists. The use of campus space is a feat of artistic genius that Albert Einstan hunself would be proud of. These artists are defmtely ones to watch in the future.

Retchel I. Beatnik

18 Misprint 1 April I , 2002

o Smaller Laurier students change the rules sons, the Hawks have only won five games, and then only by forfeit.

The OUA decision evens the field, ac- cording to Laurier centre Predrag Veira, who towers above his tern-mates, meas- uring an even 4'. "For years Laurier ath- letes have been jeered on and off the court. We have beeh playing at a signifi- cant disadvantage and the other teams have simpjy stepped over us on thek path to vicroiy."

Waterloo men's head coach Tom Nickel was disappointed by the decision: 'All this means is that our players are going t ~ h a v e to watch where they step to avoid crush- ing members of the opposing team. Why Laurier has to whine to the OUA, I don't know. Does this mean that we can now complain because all of their urinals are too low in the change rooms?"

'Whether they have more players or not, the fact remains that the Laurier Hawks can't play basketball," said Warrior centre Joshua Munkley. "Why? Because Wilf men can't jump. Instead of being able to watch five players stumble and scramble all over the court, we will now be treated to twice the fun."

Knee! Moogalagook

ce How things work: Really small Laurier students eneticists and anthropologists have descended upon Wilfrid Laurier G -

University to study a remarkable evolu- tionary anomidly. Preliminary statistics show that Laurier students are head and shoulders below the rest: students lose between one and two feet in height over their first two terms at Laurier, before sta- bilizing at an average height of 3'5".

Miqtinthad a chance to discuss the situ- atiofi with anthropologist Mervin St. John-Smythe of the Harvard Medical School. "There are historical examples where a species adapts to its surround- ings over thousands of years. The Unga Pu people of the African equatorial for- est are a prime example. They have evolved into' a sub-species of h m a n that has an average height of 4'. This height allows them to qavel through th~~dense jungle withd;ut having to duck under fallen tree trunks. /

"The situation with the Laurier students

is the saine, but the change has been much more rapid. Normally, height diminishes in subsequent 'generations before stabi- lizing to beneficial height. With the Laurier students, the height loss occurs within one individual. We can only con- clude that the Laurier environment has a detrimental effect on the physiological state of the human body."

These evolutionary changes ave been +, accelerated by "the Laurier diet. ' On its own, Laurier cafeteria food has a dem- mental effect on the human body. Com- bined with the Turret house beer, the ef- fects can be quite damaging. ,

When test subjects were faced with this noxious combination, the digestive sys- tem refused to break down the food and flushed it out as quickly as possible. As an alternative, the digestive system turned to the test subject's own body mass for favourable digestible material resulting in a loss of bone, muscle and tissue.

This process is fascinating, according to St. John Smythe: "Rather th& simply con- sume the body from the inside out, a Laurier student's body has developed the ability to selectively digest the body. Each body part is thus sduced by approxi- . mately 25 to 50 per cent of its size. It ap- pears to be a survival tactic to try and outlive the Laurier experience."

Long-accustomed to swooping in on attention-starved UW women, male Laurier students have now found up self-respecting women more d~fficult with their eyes sitting permanently at breast level.

After graduation, Laurier students even- tually regain their size and are able to in- teract with normal society, The psycho- logical effects of being subjected to the Laurier atmosphere, which are the sub- ject of a follow-up study, appear to be longer lasting.

Kneel Moogalagook

Misprint 1 April 1, 2002 19

upcoming book: "Sir, you'll have put your pants back on if jrdu want lunc by Crass E.T.

dential canhdate. Luckilly enough, my last them to come

political arts.

All that aside, here5 how I took my man Day 6: Bitten by s se tetanus shots. towards the top in 2002.

Day 15: Election results mght. T h s is tak- Day 1: Campaign launch at the Network! Day 7: I h k the mg too long and I'm really dying for a I made sure to hire their top tgent, the Tibor complained drink. What do you mean the voting was

o d n e ? Nobody told me that. Things

Rob Robson's.

Network promotion, so I mported cheap quired a tetanus shot. a toilet and my pants had gone mssmg. Mexican migrant farm workers to help Rob Robson threatened to bite me, but with the campaign. I've got them putting Day 9: Slomka Man B. It's crunch ume he smiled when he said it. So what if we up posters, cra&ng out buttons, push- here, We're lunng her to a bridal show, ddn't win this time around, Nazareth has ing people around, the usual. Plus they're then we're gonna stuff her in a burlap sack already slgned up my man to be on his farming my backyard for me. I'm paying for a few weeks. Tlbor is gomg to put on team next time around. Strangely enough them with monopoly money. They'll never a wig and impersonate her for the remam- he didn't aak if I was available. know the difference. der of the carnpagn.

Day 17: Someone left a s ~ r e l in my bed. Day I; Immigrauon Canada called, who Day 10: Brenda Slomka bit me. Reqm-ed Required a t e t a n u o knew there were laws about this sort of two tetanus shots. ,thing? I didn't see anythmg about it in the

2 S T d 2 I The author zs curt-e tb re nng in hospial

Feds election bylaws. I get to keep the Day 11: My b ~ g day m court, hopefully Heplans to begtn a book tour soon, lookfor hts Mexicans for now, but my trial starts next they ceunt my work on the election as earlier works "Bztch, z t ain 'tgonna stlck itseg " week. commu~llty service. T~bor and Carlos have and %Glass ceihng, asass ceiling. "

20 Misprint 1 April 1,2002

Misprint I April 1,2002 21